1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
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2
00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:32,595
(WOMAN SPEAKING SPANISH OVER PA SYSTEM)
3
00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:37,033
Do you know,
I could just stay like this all day.
4
00:00:37,160 --> 00:00:38,594
What do you mean, you could?
5
00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:41,678
It's all you have done
for the last three days.
6
00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:45,113
Mind you, it is cracking.
I'll give you that.
7
00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:47,477
How come we've never gone abroad before?
8
00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:50,558
Because me mother
never offered to pay before.
9
00:00:51,400 --> 00:00:54,074
Cheap now
with all these low-cost airlines.
10
00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:59,069
Cheaper to fly to Spain
than it is to fly to Newcastle.
11
00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:01,840
What do you want to go to Newcastle for?
12
00:01:01,960 --> 00:01:04,395
- I don't.
- What are you talking about, then?
13
00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:08,673
I'm just saying, aren't I? It's cheaper
to fly to Spain than it is to Newcastle.
14
00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:10,359
Who do you know in Newcastle?
15
00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:14,394
I don't know anybody in Newcastle.
Bloody hell! I'm only saying.
16
00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:18,799
- Why Newcastle?
- Oh, Christ on a bike!
17
00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:21,036
That woman were from Newcastle,
weren't she?
18
00:01:21,160 --> 00:01:22,514
- Eh?
- That slag!
19
00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:24,950
- What slag?
- The one in the bar the other night!
20
00:01:25,080 --> 00:01:27,594
The one you'd not met before,
but mysteriously knew your name.
21
00:01:27,720 --> 00:01:29,199
Oh, will you give it a rest?
22
00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:31,038
We're supposed to be relaxing.
We're on hollday!
23
00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:32,559
Yeah, I know we are.
24
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:35,832
Just don't relax too much.
I've got my eye on you.
25
00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:43,753
Eh, excuse me, el hombre.
Un poco breakfast, por favor.
26
00:01:44,720 --> 00:01:46,074
- Oh.
- Chill out.
27
00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:48,669
It's ridiculous.
Most of the people here are English.
28
00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:50,916
You'd think they'd have a go
at the language.
29
00:01:51,040 --> 00:01:53,509
But if you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.
30
00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:56,871
I'm from Birkenhead, mate.
Plus this is a self-service buffet,
31
00:01:57,000 --> 00:01:59,913
so tomorrow, if you get here before
10:30 when breakfast finishes,
32
00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:03,112
you won't have to rely
on the monkeys, will you?
33
00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:08,559
Good job it is self-service,
34
00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:10,318
you wouldn't want him
gobbing on your meat.
35
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:12,078
Oh, I don't know.
36
00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:19,475
Hello, love. Sorry to bother you.
37
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,995
- Hello there.
- Well, hello. How are you?
38
00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:24,350
I've been meaning to come over
and apologise at some point.
39
00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:25,709
Apologise?
40
00:02:25,840 --> 00:02:27,990
Yes, I do believe
I spat on you at breakfast.
41
00:02:28,120 --> 00:02:29,155
Did you?
42
00:02:29,280 --> 00:02:31,317
Yes. Totally unintentional,
you understand.
43
00:02:31,440 --> 00:02:34,114
I was at the buffet
and I turned my head slightly
44
00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:36,675
to split out a tiny bit of eggshell,
45
00:02:36,800 --> 00:02:40,111
and, well, you were
just outside my peripheral vision
46
00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:44,871
- and I believe it landed in your hair.
- Oh, well, we're on holiday, aren't we?
47
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:50,120
My philosophy exactly.
I'm Donald and this is Jacqueline.
48
00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:53,437
- I'm Madge.
- Madge, lovely name.
49
00:02:53,880 --> 00:02:55,553
Enjoying your holiday, Madge?
50
00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:58,877
Oh, yes, lovely bit of sun.
You don't get this in Manchester.
51
00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:00,832
Is that where you're from, Manchester?
52
00:03:00,960 --> 00:03:03,429
Well, not originally,
but it's where we live now.
53
00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:05,392
We used to travel down to Manchester.
54
00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:09,878
We had a couple of musician friends,
Keith and Eunice Piggott.
55
00:03:10,000 --> 00:03:12,196
You might have heard of them,
the Bluenotes?
56
00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:14,834
No. Do you mean the Ink Spots?
57
00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:19,238
No, no, the Bluenotes.
Very big on the Belgian Jazz scene.
58
00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:21,920
They were a lovely broad-minded couple,
weren't they?
59
00:03:22,040 --> 00:03:26,159
Oh, yes. We did a Lot of very good
home movies with them.
60
00:03:26,280 --> 00:03:31,480
Yes, very versatile couple.
Now, that would be when, late '60s?
61
00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:34,956
Oh, I was in my prime then,
the Swinging Sixties.
62
00:03:35,080 --> 00:03:38,198
Oh, right. Bit of a swinger, were you?
63
00:03:38,320 --> 00:03:42,075
Oh, yes, 40 year ago.
Mind you, I've not lost it.
64
00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:45,352
I reckon once a swinger,
always a swinger, don't you?
65
00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:47,471
- Oh, yes.
- Absolutely.
66
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:50,240
Oh, aye. I could kick me legs up
with the best of them.
67
00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:52,670
Don't think 'cause I'm in a chair
I'm passed it.
68
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:53,995
No, I'm sure you're not.
69
00:03:54,120 --> 00:03:56,396
We had a lovely couple
from the Black Country
70
00:03:56,520 --> 00:04:00,559
staying with us before we came away.
She was 58, had a plastic hip,
71
00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:03,479
but that didn't stop her
going like the clappers, did it?
72
00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:04,715
Oh, no.
73
00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:08,356
Oh, well, you've got plenty to read.
That's good here, isn't it?
74
00:04:08,480 --> 00:04:10,073
I brought three magazines with me
75
00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:11,759
and I've gone through them
like a dose of salts.
76
00:04:11,880 --> 00:04:13,553
Oh, here, take a couple.
77
00:04:13,680 --> 00:04:15,318
I've got a stack of them
in the apartment.
78
00:04:15,440 --> 00:04:16,794
Oh, thanks, love.
79
00:04:16,920 --> 00:04:19,116
I don't want you to think
that's all I come over for.
80
00:04:19,240 --> 00:04:21,914
Not at all.
Plenty more where they came from.
81
00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:24,270
Nancy Friday, Women on Top.
82
00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:27,429
It's not one of them feminist jobs,
is it?
83
00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:28,914
I can't be doing with that.
84
00:04:29,040 --> 00:04:31,680
Load of hairy lesbians
trying to do their own plumbing.
85
00:04:31,800 --> 00:04:35,998
No, it's more, um, well, a fantasy.
86
00:04:36,120 --> 00:04:40,910
Oh, not that Lord of Your Rings rubbish.
Someone in the pub give us that on DVD,
87
00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:43,919
all you could see were people
getting up to go to the toilet.
88
00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:46,111
What is your mother doing
talking to them?
89
00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:49,119
I think she's gone to borrow a magazine.
90
00:04:49,240 --> 00:04:51,356
What's wrong with the magazines
she's got?
91
00:04:51,480 --> 00:04:53,153
They're in Chinese.
92
00:04:53,320 --> 00:04:55,391
What do you think is wrong with them?
She's read them.
93
00:04:55,520 --> 00:04:57,431
All right, I only asked.
94
00:04:57,560 --> 00:05:03,431
Here we are, Alan Titmarch.
It's a gardener, isn't it? I like him.
95
00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:05,832
I'll have a look at this one
if that's all right?
96
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:09,237
Yeah, go ahead.
Oh, he's lovely, ain't he?
97
00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:12,793
I'd let him dig my garden any day.
98
00:05:12,920 --> 00:05:16,038
Perhaps you'd like to come up
and have a good old rummage
99
00:05:16,160 --> 00:05:19,551
through Jacqueline's Jilly Coopers?
Loosen up.
100
00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:23,078
Oh, aye. I might take you up on that.
101
00:05:23,200 --> 00:05:26,636
Be nice to have
a civilised conversation for a change.
102
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,639
I'm a widower,
so I don't get much these days.
103
00:05:29,760 --> 00:05:32,991
Oh, we can soon put that right,
can't we?
104
00:05:33,120 --> 00:05:34,713
Oh, yes.
105
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:43,435
Howdy. What are you playing?
106
00:05:45,440 --> 00:05:48,796
- Scrabble.
- Nice one. I like your style.
107
00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:52,878
No, I mean, what are you playing,
American rules, English?
108
00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:55,389
- Spanish.
- Cool, cool.
109
00:05:56,720 --> 00:06:01,794
Yeah, there is a roll to it,
but it's playable. Do you fancy a game?
110
00:06:04,040 --> 00:06:05,394
If you like.
111
00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:11,514
So, are you here with your family?
112
00:06:11,640 --> 00:06:13,995
Yeah, I was gonna come on holiday
by myself,
113
00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:17,192
but then I remembered,
I'm 16 and I've no money.
114
00:06:21,920 --> 00:06:23,877
Do you want me to break?
115
00:06:24,880 --> 00:06:27,793
Yeah. I remember when I had
to go on holiday with my parents
116
00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:29,399
when I was 16.
117
00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:36,279
It's a bitch, innit? Stripes.
118
00:06:40,040 --> 00:06:43,237
Who's that woman you've been sat with
for the past three days?
119
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:44,839
Oh, that woman?
120
00:06:46,520 --> 00:06:50,036
- She's me PA.
- Your PA?
121
00:06:51,040 --> 00:06:55,477
You know, personal assistant.
She deals with all me day-to-day shit.
122
00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:59,274
What? She wipes your arse?
123
00:06:59,760 --> 00:07:04,834
No. You know, she takes care
of all me day-to-day admin shit.
124
00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:08,473
Phone calls and whatever.
125
00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:14,999
I'm a professional pub quiz champion.
Just breaking into television.
126
00:07:17,960 --> 00:07:20,349
- Do you know what I mean?
- No.
127
00:07:21,760 --> 00:07:24,673
I'm avoiding William G Stewart
at the moment.
128
00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:29,629
Yeah. He's trying to get
Fifteen to One back off the ground.
129
00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:32,835
He wants me to set the questions.
130
00:07:34,240 --> 00:07:36,629
I thought that woman was your mam.
131
00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:42,594
My mam? That's funny.
I'll tell her that, make her laugh.
132
00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:45,590
Geoff, Geoff,
I found some of those batteries
133
00:07:45,720 --> 00:07:47,836
you were after for your headset.
134
00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:50,631
I left them with your mum.
135
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,479
(CHANTELLE LAUGHING)
136
00:07:57,160 --> 00:07:58,559
Ah, the wanderer returns.
137
00:07:58,680 --> 00:08:03,436
Well, that's something I didn't expect.
A civilised conversation in this place.
138
00:08:03,560 --> 00:08:05,915
- Very nice couple.
- What did you get, mam?
139
00:08:06,040 --> 00:08:08,839
It's that Titmarch fella,
the one who does the gardening.
140
00:08:08,960 --> 00:08:10,598
- It's Titchmarsh.
- Yeah.
141
00:08:10,720 --> 00:08:11,835
Oh, lovely.
142
00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:14,713
We'll have to get you strapped
into your chair to read that one, Madge.
143
00:08:14,840 --> 00:08:16,513
Apparently, Alan likes
to give his money's worth
144
00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:18,233
in the old sex, sex scenes.
145
00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:23,275
Oh, don't be disgusting!
It's Alan Titmarch off the telly.
146
00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:26,313
Not everybody's like you, you know.
Mind like a sewer.
147
00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:27,874
I'll have to look at that
after you, mam.
148
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:30,196
There's some Jllly Coopers
in their apartment.
149
00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:33,233
I'm off up there later
to have a drink with them.
150
00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:36,079
With a bit of luck they'll give me one.
151
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:38,951
There's no answer to that.
152
00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:54,551
There we go.
153
00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:58,719
- Martin, I can't drink a cocktail.
- It's okay. It's non-alcoholic.
154
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:01,669
I really enjoyed last night.
155
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:06,112
- I had a little too much to drink.
- You were fine.
156
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:09,110
Well, when I say you were fine,
157
00:09:09,920 --> 00:09:13,356
you were pretty insatiable
when we got back to the apartment.
158
00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:15,915
Yes, I know. You said this morning.
159
00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:18,871
You really can't remember?
160
00:09:19,000 --> 00:09:23,073
No, I'm sorry, I can't.
I'm not used to drinking that amount.
161
00:09:23,200 --> 00:09:26,591
And I'm not used to you making that
kind of noise in the bedroom, either!
162
00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:28,597
(WHISPERING) Oh, my God.
163
00:09:29,640 --> 00:09:30,914
I must admit,
164
00:09:31,040 --> 00:09:34,920
the old soldier had nearly forgotten
how to stand to attention.
165
00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:39,589
- Martin, please!
- Hey, relax. We're on holiday.
166
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:43,476
We're allowed to do things
that are a little bit crazy.
167
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:44,954
Here I come!
168
00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:49,873
Are you not having a burger, mam?
169
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:52,640
I've got one in my bag from yesterday.
Waste not, want not.
170
00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:53,875
Oh, mother!
171
00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:55,718
Just pass us me T-shirt,
will you, Michael?
172
00:09:55,840 --> 00:09:57,956
What do you want your T-shirt for?
It's bloody boiling.
173
00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:00,913
Sweat keeps running down
the crack of me arse.
174
00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:03,680
Do you know, it's like being
on a dream holiday with Hugh Grant.
175
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:05,552
Aye, and we all know what he got up to.
176
00:10:05,680 --> 00:10:08,991
Got caught in his car
with his trousers down, dirty bastard!
177
00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:12,351
- Me dad looks nowt like Hugh Grant.
- Thank you, my darling.
178
00:10:12,480 --> 00:10:14,073
More like Russell Grant.
179
00:10:14,200 --> 00:10:15,952
(ALL LAUGHING)
180
00:10:16,680 --> 00:10:18,432
MICHAEL: Who's Russell Grant?
181
00:10:18,560 --> 00:10:22,235
He's that guy off Celebrity Fit Club
that looks like a gay toad.
182
00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:25,751
That's it. Come here, you. Hey!
Come here. Ah, you're going in.
183
00:10:25,880 --> 00:10:27,518
- You going in?
- Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?
184
00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:30,393
Oh, no, no! Ah, no, no!
185
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:36,838
Okay, beautiful wine
for two beautiful girls.
186
00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:38,634
Hi there.
187
00:10:40,000 --> 00:10:44,551
Do you like my nuts? Big beautiful nuts.
188
00:10:44,680 --> 00:10:47,479
Hello? Hi, sorry to bother you.
189
00:10:47,600 --> 00:10:49,796
I was just wondering
if I could get another cocktail?
190
00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:55,074
- Now, what do you recommend?
- Hiya. Two Tequila Sunrises, please.
191
00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:56,554
Oh, right.
192
00:10:56,680 --> 00:10:58,671
Sorry, were you next?
I thought you were being served.
193
00:10:58,800 --> 00:11:00,120
No problem.
194
00:11:02,680 --> 00:11:06,514
- How are you enjoying your holiday?
- Yeah, it's okay. The sun's nice.
195
00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:09,075
Absolutely. It's not exactly The Ritz,
196
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:11,191
but as you say,
you can't fault the weather.
197
00:11:11,320 --> 00:11:14,278
- Oh, yeah.
- Martin Weedon.
198
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:15,913
- Sorry?
- I'm Martin.
199
00:11:16,040 --> 00:11:18,077
Oh, hi, I'm Troy. Nice to meet you.
200
00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:21,477
I think I saw you the other day.
You were with your friend.
201
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,596
Yeah. I'm here with my friend.
202
00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:28,394
Sorry.
That sounded slightly patronising.
203
00:11:28,520 --> 00:11:30,193
No, not really. I think it's important
204
00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:32,755
that someone's lover
should be their friend.
205
00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:34,791
Best friend, preferably.
206
00:11:36,640 --> 00:11:40,554
- Yes. Yes, you're right.
- Anything to eat?
207
00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:44,039
- Hang on, I'll check. Gavin!
- Hmm?
208
00:11:44,160 --> 00:11:47,551
The barman says has he got anything
you'd like to eat?
209
00:11:47,680 --> 00:11:50,274
Stop being vile and bring me my drink.
210
00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:54,674
-I guess he's not hungry. See you later.
- Yeah, have a good one.
211
00:11:55,280 --> 00:11:58,159
Right, can I have a Virgin...
212
00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:00,237
TROY: What? I was just asking.
213
00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:18,110
JANICE: Your friends are going.
214
00:12:19,760 --> 00:12:21,956
I'll be up a bit later.
215
00:12:22,080 --> 00:12:24,833
Hey, you've your feet right
under the table with them, haven't you?
216
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:26,951
Very nice couple.
217
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:30,118
Mind you,
you were right about this book.
218
00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:32,914
- It's absolutely filthy.
- Oh.
219
00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:37,439
Stop it.
220
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:42,360
Why didn't you tell us
you were gonna have a baby?
221
00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:44,915
'Cause it's none of your business.
222
00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:48,439
Nana said you're too fat to have a baby.
223
00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:54,314
You know there's a monster
in that pool, don't you?
224
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:55,999
Don't be a twat.
225
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:59,713
Well, it's not a monster.
226
00:13:00,760 --> 00:13:06,233
They call it the fish baby
and it lives in the bottom of the pool.
227
00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:10,079
It's got scales and big teeth.
228
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:13,757
See, they tried to drown him
in the pool when he was born
229
00:13:13,880 --> 00:13:18,078
'cause they didn't want him,
but he learned to live under the water.
230
00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:20,759
Shut up.
231
00:13:20,880 --> 00:13:22,791
Did you not feel him
trying to pull you under
232
00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:26,914
- when you were drowning in the pool?
- Shut up! Mam, tell her to shut up, mam.
233
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,554
- What, what's she doing?
- Tell her to shut upl
234
00:13:29,680 --> 00:13:31,432
Can I have the key?
I'm off back upstairs.
235
00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:33,915
Well, we're all going in now.
Come on. Mam.
236
00:13:34,040 --> 00:13:35,838
All right, I'm coming.
237
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,429
JANICE: Oi, hold your horses, lady.
Wait for us.
238
00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:40,153
Dad, are you gay?
239
00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:42,954
No, son. I just help them out
on weekends when they're busy.
240
00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:52,115
-I need you to send a fax to Channel 4.
- A what?
241
00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:56,916
And cancel that conference call
with Television Centre.
242
00:13:59,440 --> 00:14:02,432
- We haven't got a phone.
-(WHISPERING) Shut up.
243
00:14:10,720 --> 00:14:14,839
# Sexbomb, sexbomb
You're my sexbomb #
244
00:14:16,800 --> 00:14:18,837
I thought we were having food
in our room.
245
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:21,793
- They've got a hypnotist on tonight.
- Martin, no.
246
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:24,560
It's okay.
I won't let them get you up on stage.
247
00:14:24,680 --> 00:14:27,798
I'm not just your partner, you know.
I'm your best friend as well.
248
00:14:27,920 --> 00:14:30,116
# Gonna do you no harm
249
00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:39,113
# Sexbomb, sexbomb
You're my sexbomb
250
00:14:39,240 --> 00:14:42,551
# You can give it to me
when I need to come along
251
00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:45,035
# Sexbomb, sexbomb #
252
00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:47,754
Hey, I love that dress on you, Jan.
Talk about sexbomb!
253
00:14:47,880 --> 00:14:50,349
- Where's me nana gone?
- She's gone to borrow a book.
254
00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:53,279
Oh, so that's what the young kids
are calling it these days.
255
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:54,879
Will you pack it in?
256
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:56,479
You know they're into all that,
don't you?
257
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:57,999
Know that who's into what?
258
00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:00,714
That Scotch bloke and his wife,
they're a pair of swingers.
259
00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:04,196
They think your mother's gone up for a
bit of a fumble with the curtains shut.
260
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:08,200
What part of your sick brain
does all this rubbish come out of?
261
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:11,959
- I feel really ill.
- Are you okay?
262
00:15:12,080 --> 00:15:15,789
Yeah. I've got a sneaking suspicion
that drinking nonstop for seven hours
263
00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:17,638
might have summat to do with it.
264
00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:19,398
I'm just gonna go up to the room
for a minute.
265
00:15:19,520 --> 00:15:22,558
- Do you want me to come with you?
- No, you stay here. I won't be long.
266
00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:24,990
I'm gonna get something appropriate
from the medicine bag.
267
00:15:25,120 --> 00:15:27,873
I didn't know
we'd brought a stomach pump.
268
00:15:34,760 --> 00:15:36,433
(DOORBELL RINGING)
269
00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:43,440
Madge, so glad you made it.
270
00:15:43,560 --> 00:15:45,551
Thought for a minute
you'd had cold feet.
271
00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:47,273
Cold feet? No.
272
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:51,473
One of me daughters has got flat feet.
She's been off work a year with them.
273
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:54,911
- What would you like to drink?
- Oh, whatever's going.
274
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:58,670
Go through, go through.
I think Jacqueline's started without us.
275
00:15:58,800 --> 00:16:00,950
Well, where do you want me
to put this book?
276
00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:05,517
- Go through, go through.
- Oh, right.
277
00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:12,239
(BUZZING)
278
00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:13,794
(MOANING)
279
00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:19,829
- Jesus Christ!
- Everything okay?
280
00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:22,270
Let me out! Let me out of here!
281
00:16:22,400 --> 00:16:25,233
Oh, dear. I think there's been
a slight misunderstanding.
282
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:27,192
A slight misunderstanding?
I should have known
283
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,472
when I read that mucky garden book.
Bloody perverts!
284
00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:32,876
- Oh, I'm so sorry, Madge.
- Let me out!
285
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:37,039
JACQUELINE: I think we've been talking
at cross-purposes. Oh, dear.
286
00:16:37,160 --> 00:16:38,673
DONALD: So sorry, Madge.
287
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:40,711
You should be locked up,
the pair of you!
288
00:16:40,840 --> 00:16:43,559
I've never, never seen anything like it!
289
00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:48,879
You can't knock a coconut down
every time. Tea?
290
00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:50,873
Oh, yes.
291
00:16:55,480 --> 00:17:00,680
All the way from Newcastle,
an old friend of Neptune's, Susy!
292
00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:04,312
(MAN WHISTLING)
293
00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:11,120
# I believe in miracles
294
00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:14,311
# Where you from?
295
00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:16,795
# You sexy thing
296
00:17:17,520 --> 00:17:20,672
- It's that woman.
- What woman?
297
00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:23,956
- The one from Newcastle.
- Oh, yeah.
298
00:17:24,080 --> 00:17:26,196
# You sexy thing
299
00:17:26,320 --> 00:17:29,756
You sexy thing? Is she taking the piss?
300
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:31,998
- What?
- Come on.
301
00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:33,918
She's singing at you.
302
00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:35,758
- She isn't.
- She is.
303
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:39,396
# Where did you come from, angel? #
304
00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:40,919
She isn't!
305
00:17:42,320 --> 00:17:45,915
Oi, you. Do something useful for once
and get me a drink.
306
00:17:46,040 --> 00:17:47,917
Large vodka and orange.
307
00:17:49,680 --> 00:17:51,956
What's the matter, mam?
Did they give you another book?
308
00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:55,277
- I've never been so disgusted.
- Well, what's wrong?
309
00:17:55,400 --> 00:17:58,199
Perverts. Bloody perverts, both of them.
310
00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:05,755
Sorry. We haven't even ordered yet.
311
00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:09,913
But can we...
312
00:18:11,520 --> 00:18:13,830
- I'm going out to get some aspirin.
- I'll come with you.
313
00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:17,555
No, you stay here. I'll be fine.
Order me a baked potato.
314
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:20,035
Okay, baked potato. What filling?
315
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:22,393
- Anything.
- Right.
316
00:18:26,440 --> 00:18:27,510
Anything.
317
00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:35,510
# Giving it to me, yeah
318
00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:39,873
# I believe in miracles
Where you from? #
319
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:41,195
Is it the same woman?
320
00:18:41,320 --> 00:18:44,199
Yes, it frigging well is
and she's singing that song to Mick.
321
00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:46,960
Well, I'd kick her arse into
the middle of next week if it were me.
322
00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:51,199
- Don't worry, I intend to.
- Madge, I just wanted to say
323
00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:54,233
I'm really terribly sorry
about what happened.
324
00:18:54,360 --> 00:18:57,000
We must have got
our wires crossed at some point.
325
00:18:57,120 --> 00:18:59,111
Wires crossed? I should sue.
326
00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:01,675
I'm scarred for life
after what I've seen.
327
00:19:01,800 --> 00:19:05,430
Oh, we're terribly sorry.
We misjudged the situation.
328
00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:09,076
Disgusting perverts, the pair of you.
You should be locked up.
329
00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:10,952
We hope you won't be offended,
330
00:19:11,080 --> 00:19:14,960
but we've bought you these cigarettes
by way of an apology.
331
00:19:15,080 --> 00:19:17,720
Would you accept them?
332
00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:25,151
Oh, well well, I suppose
it's a mistake anybody could make.
333
00:19:25,280 --> 00:19:28,989
- Absolutely. No hard feelings?
- No. No hard feelings.
334
00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:30,918
Have a lovely evening.
335
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:34,273
What's going on?
336
00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:37,040
Well, you weren't disgusted
for very long, were you?
337
00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:38,878
Very genuine people.
338
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:42,391
Oh, aye. Nothing to do
with the 200 cigs, obviously.
339
00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:45,638
# I love the way you touch me, baby #
340
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:47,353
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
341
00:19:47,480 --> 00:19:50,199
- Thank you!
- There we go!
342
00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:57,630
Where's me dad gone?
I thought he were getting some drinks.
343
00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:00,195
I know where he's bloody well gone.
344
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:23,673
# One can have a dream, baby
345
00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:27,031
# Two can make that dream so real
346
00:20:27,440 --> 00:20:30,114
# One can talk about being in love
347
00:20:30,240 --> 00:20:33,710
# Two can say how it really feels #
348
00:20:40,800 --> 00:20:42,359
(BOTTLE TINKLING)
349
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:50,234
(SHUSHING)
350
00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:52,916
I'll give you fucking shush!
351
00:20:56,720 --> 00:20:58,916
(MAN GIGGLING)
352
00:21:00,440 --> 00:21:02,716
Get out here, you dirty bastard!
353
00:21:08,360 --> 00:21:09,794
Oh, I'm sorry.
354
00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:17,030
This is not what it looks like.
355
00:21:21,240 --> 00:21:22,913
You forgot the key.
356
00:21:26,040 --> 00:21:27,189
Oh.
357
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:30,312
# It takes two, baby
358
00:21:30,440 --> 00:21:35,150
# To make a dream come true
Just takes two
359
00:21:37,320 --> 00:21:39,550
- Where's your mum?
-I don't know.
360
00:21:39,680 --> 00:21:41,159
About time.
361
00:21:42,800 --> 00:21:44,473
# It just takes two #
361
00:21:45,305 --> 00:21:51,387
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