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- Where's Mick? He was here a minute ago. - Well, where do you think?
He'll have his hands up the skirt of some mucky Spaniard.
Oh, you watch. He'll come back, his pockets empty, stinking of garlic.
- Oh, shut up. I'll go and find him. - Oh, good morning.
- Morning. - Hello.
And congratulations. You'll be celebrating your win?
Well, we were supposed to be going to the beach,
but my daughter's husband's done a bunk with the money.
- Oh, no. - Really?
Yeah, it's a shame. You could have come with us.
Oh, no. We never bring any spending money with us.
That's the beauty of the all-inclusive holiday, you see.
We've got everything we need right here.
You wouldn't have needed any money.
We won 100 euros. We were going to pay for everything.
Oh, well, never mind.
Oh, dear. Did you see which way he went?
Oh, here they are. I'll get my hat.
- Mother?
- So, last day. - Yeah.
Do you want to do anything special?
Not really. One more day basking by the pool will do for me.
I thought you might like to have a walk into Benidorm.
Well, I would,
but it tends to negate the whole ethos of staying somewhere all-inclusive.
Do you know, I'm that proud of you, son.
I don't know what half the words you use mean.
Well, what can I say?
Vowels, consonants, syllables,
they're all just like colours on an artist's palette to me.
I paint with integrity, from the heart.
I know of no other way.
I'm a wordsmith. It's what I do.
We should have come for two weeks this year.
Don't be stupid! You know I've got to sign on on Tuesday.
Oh, yeah.
- Are we at the beach yet? - Yeah, we passed it ages ago,
but I thought we'd keep walking for the fun of it.
Mam, we've passed the beach!
No, we haven't, darling. Your dad's just being stupid.
CHANTELLE: Can we stop for a drink?
Where's that bottle of water I bought?
Oh, I'm sorry. I think I had the last of that.
We're stopping here. In case you forgot, your daughter's six months pregnant.
Oh, she's all right. It's like a camel's hump, that.
She can go for days without water.
I'm the one who needs a drink. I've got a gob like Gandhi's flip-flop.
We're going here.
You're even tight when it's not your own money.
- This all right for you? - Oh, yes, perfect.
- Are you okay? - Oh, yes.
I'm just not used to being on me feet so much.
Right, come on. Get them in, Garvey.
Hang on a minute, that's the joke shop. This is it, we're here!
The beach is just through that alley round the corner!
- MICHAEL: Brilliant! - Come on.
JANICE: God's sake!
What did I tell you? Blackpool with sun. Hey, hey. Come on.
I can see a spot over there just right for the Garveys.
JANICE: Not next to that woman with her bust out, though.
Nice bit of sun, that.
Dad, please can I have a bucket and spade?
They don't have buckets and spades in Spain, son. They just use their hands.
- Oh, okay. - You tight bastard.
Morning. It's just the five, is it?
- What, love? - The five sun beds?
- Yeah, why? - Well, it's 25 euros.
Eh?
- Are you taking the piss? - Well, it's five euros for each sun bed.
Five euro to use a sun bed? These should be free.
Oh, I know. They did used to be free,
but that's going back a good few years now.
Right, come on. We've been to the beach, now we're off back.
You're joking? I'm not going home yet, I'm knackered.
Oh, I want to stay at the beach. Please can we stay at the beach?
- Pay the woman. - But five euros a piece?
- They're free... - I said pay her.
God, unbelievable. Three, please.
Um, we don't actually have any money. Madge invited us as her guests.
MICK: Bloody hell!
Tell you what. Just give us a 20, but don't tell anyone or I'll get shot.
- All right. Cheers, nice one. - You have a lovely day.
Now, while you've got your wallet out,
you can get yourself up to one of them shops, get another big bottle of water
and one, two, three, four, five, six, seven ice creams.
- Oh, we don't want to be any trouble. - Five ice creams.
Although, if they're mint choc chip...
Seven ice creams and hurry up, it's hot.
If they're double ones, we'll have coffee cream as well.
No, they won't be.
That's the last you'll see of him today.
Shut it!
So, last day of our holidays. Back to the grind tomorrow.
I think you've done enough grinding while we've been here.
I thought we'd agreed to forget that.
No, Troy, we agreed to leave it, not forget it.
Although, if you can tell me how I can forget that my partner of 15 years
shagged the barman on our first holiday in God knows when,
I'd be fascinated to learn!
It was a kiss, I was drunk. I don't even fancy him.
What do you mean, you don't fancy him? He's gorgeous.
Yeah, well, he's not bad-looking, but he's not exactly marrying material.
What's that supposed to mean?
It's supposed to mean, will you marry me?
What?
A civil partnership, this weekend, when we get home.
I arranged it before we came away.
Believe it or not, Gavin, I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
Gavin Ramsbottom, will you marry me?
- I've got nothing to wear. - I'll take that as a yes.
- MICK: Here we go, fill your boots. - Ice cream!
Right, there's no arguing 'cause they're all the same.
NANA: Where's mine? Oh, come on, they're going to melt.
- Lovely. - Mam, can I have some of that water?
I should go first. I paid for the holiday.
No, you should go last because you've got breath like a pit bull!
Right, that's enough, thank you.
- Where else have you been? - I haven't been anywhere else!
Me mam said she saw you disappearing up that alley.
Oh, Christ alive!
Does your head swivel round like that lass off Exorcist?
He's been on manoeuvres. You mark my words.
I went to the joke shop to buy prezzies if you must know.
God knows, we could do with a laugh on this holiday,
with Crippen sat there watching our every move.
(GRUNTING)
We've got a friend in Leeds who runs a joke shop.
He's got a wooden leg. The kids all call him Peg Leg Pete.
But the thing is, his name's not Pete, it's Trevor!
He takes it all in good humour, doesn't he?
Oh, yes, smashing fella.
He's got a niece in Bradford with a glass eye.
Am I dreaming this?
- Five sun beds, yes? - We've paid already.
- So, I see your tickets? - What tickets? We paid the woman.
He did pay. We saw him.
It was the blonde lady that was here before.
Well, my friend, I don't know who you gave your money to,
but I am the only person who collects money for the sun beds.
We have paid, love.
- Did this woman give you a ticket? - No.
- Did she have a badge like this? - No.
So, that's three euros each. Fifteen euros, please.
Fifteen! She charged us twenty!
By hell, doesn't take much to pull the wool over your eyes, does it?
I could tell she was on the fiddle.
She'd never be that size if her job was walking up and down this beach all day.
Right, that's it. Come on, you lot, off them sun beds.
Come on, we're going now. I've had enough of this.
MICHAEL: I want to stay at the beach!
Get your T-shirt on, Michael We're going. I'm sorry.
Right, come on. Do as your dad said, get your stuff together.
- I want to stay on the beach. - We can't stay here, can we?
Get your stuff together, come on.
There's your wristband and it's room 302.
Cheers, love.
(YELLING)
Well, that were a waste of bloody time, the beach, weren't it?
No, actually, mother. I thought it was a nice walk out.
And now I've got a nice cold beer in one hand,
a ciggie in the other and the sun is shining.
Please excuse me while I enjoy the last day of me holiday.
I see somebody's enjoying himself a bit too much, as usual.
Just like your father. He couldn't get enough of it either.
Dirty bastard he was.
Sixty-eight and exposing himself in the cold meat section of Marks & Spencer.
I mean, once you can put down to an accident, but not three times in a week.
(FARTING)
Mother, do you mind!
- I've got terrible wind. - Really? I'd never have guessed.
Right, come on, you. You're going in.
- No. - Why not?
Because you said there was a monster in the pool.
I was only joking.
MICK: Come on, you two, get in this pool it's your last chance.
I'm not getting in. There's a monster under the water.
Don't be daft. The monster's over there in her wheelchair.
Come here. Give me your hand.
(FARTING)
- Mother, what have you eaten? - Nothing today.
I'm saving meself for me dinner.
Oh, have you finished flirting with your fancy woman?
Oh, a bit of harmless flirting, makes the world go round.
I've seen you chatting to that greasy barman.
Yeah, talking to him. He didn't start taking pictures of me.
Hmm, there's probably a reason for that.
(FARTING)
Bloody hell, we've picked the right time to go home, haven't we?
Them drains are getting worse.
Right, come on, you, get out of that. I need to take it back.
It doesn't have to be back till tomorrow. I hired it for the week.
Yeah, but we're leaving early and they won't be open in the morning.
Come on, let's have you.
Hey, hey. Right, I've been waiting all week to have a go on this.
Exterminate, exterminate, exterminate.
We will destroy you. Look out, we will destroy you. Exterminate!
Well, it's been quite a week.
- You could say that. - Kate, it's okay.
This might sound strange, but in some ways
- I'm glad you slept with the barman. - What?
Let's face it, we were just coasting along.
It's been a ruddy kick up the backside for me.
I don't understand. Last night you punched him in the face.
Yeah, well, that was last night. I'd had one too many.
(SIGHING)
I think we should just chill out, you know, just chill out.
God's sake, shit happens.
Kate, don't look so worried. I said it's okay.
Martin.
Oh, my God!
(ALL SCREAMING)
What is it? What's going on?
Someone's done a shit in the pool
Oh, where's your father?
MARTIN: Just splash it out of the way.
- It's getting closer! - I know, swim underneath it.
I'm not putting my head in this water.
- It's joke poo. - I think I'm going to be sick.
Can you hear me? I said it's not real.
- What? - It's joke poo.
I'm sorry, love. It's my husband's idea of a joke.
- Just pick it up and throw it over here. - Pick it up?
It's not real. It's made of plastic. He got it today from the joke shop.
Darling, it's made of plastic. Just pick it up and throw it over to me.
- What's going on? - Oh, very funny.
You think you're the comedian with your joke shop dog poo.
Well, I'm not laughing.
I didn't buy dog poo from the joke shop. I bought farting powder.
It's fine. Just pick it up and throw it onto the side.
(SQUELCHING)
Oh, my God!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Ugh!
(LAUGHING) Not joke poo, eh?
MAN OVER PA: Guests are informed that the pool will be closed
until further notice. Thank you.
I mean, how much damage can one turd do?
(LAUGHING) They should give them kids pull-ups like yours.
- Hey, people in glasshouses... - Shame we can't have one last dip.
Still, never mind. There's always next year.
Yeah, well, I've been wanting to talk to you about that.
I don't think I should be going on holiday with me mother any more.
- I'm 36. - Oh, I see.
I think it's time for me to move on.
- If it's what you want. - Yeah.
- I think it's for the best. - Okay.
I mean, I can look at brochures with you, but that's about it.
All right.
Yeah.
- Nice clean break, I think. - Okay.
I mean, where were you thinking of going?
I don't know. I like it here.
(SLURPING)
Oh, God! All right, then, I'll come with you.
Honestly, the things I have to do for a bit of peace and quiet.
- Well, I need the toilet. - I told you,
pool's closed.
(LAUGHING)
# Golden brown texture like sun
# Never a frown
# With golden brown
Shall I get you another brandy?
# Never a frown #
Well, I don't think it's Michael's fault.
There's no sign saying what you can or can't do in the pool.
(FARTING)
Yeah, all right. Can we not talk about it right now?
It's your fault. Fancy giving an 8-year-old boy farting powder.
(FARTING)
Excuse me.
Mam, can I go back up to the apartment? It stinks in here.
No, you can't. You can stay there where I can see you all.
(FARTING)
Oh, any more of this farting,
you won't be able to see your hand in front of your face.
(FARTING)
Daniel, can you open that window, please, love?
Right, first up tonight singing Chas & Dave, There's No Pleasing You,
let's hear it for Mick Gravy.
Come on, Mick. Where are you?
Oh, my God, mam. Don't let him do it.
It's Garvey, not Gravy.
Thank you. Good evening, everybody.
I'd like to sing this song for my beautiful wife, Janice.
And how has he got his name down already? I wanted to sing something.
- You're not singing. - Why not?
I paid for the holiday, I'm entitled to sing one.
I thought it was supposed to be all-inclusive.
# All along
# Oh, darling
# There ain't no pleasing you
# Well, I built my life around you
# Did what I thought was right
# You never cared about me #
I mean, I hate to ask, but I can send you the money when I get home
if you just give me your address.
I'm sorry. We just haven't got 50 euros.
I've been in the hospital all day with my little boy.
Did I mention he was ill?
- That's her. - You what?
That's her from the beach. She's got our money.
Well, I've seen some bare-faced cheek in my life.
CHANTELLE: Go knock her out, mam.
- I'm sorry, love. That's all we've got. - Oh, you're so kind.
- Excuse me. - Yes, my love?
- Do you remember me? - No.
Sun bed con on the beach?
- Shit! - Come here, you!
- Twenty euros now! - I've got ten.
- I think you'll find that's ours. - What...
- What are you doing? Get off me! - Thirty euros.
Twenty that you owe us and ten for the inconvenience.
- You can't just do that! - Really?
And I suppose I can't do this, either?
# But now you can go and do
# Just what you wanna do I'm telling you
# 'Cause I ain't gonna be made to look a fool no more #
- Did you get our money back? - Of course, with interest.
Now, can we all try and enjoy the rest of our holiday in peace?
# There ain't no pleasing you
# And you seem to think that everything I ever did was wrong
# I should have known it all along
# Oh, darling
# There ain't no pleasing you
# You only had to say the word
# And you knew I'd do it #
Excuse me.
- Yes, love? - Mrs Garvey?
Hang on a minute. It's you from the pool, isn't it?
You've got a fucking cheek, haven't you?
You know that bloke up there, the one you were all over in the pool?
Well, that's my husband, and you picked the wrong day to piss me off, lady!
My name's Miss Mahey and this is Mr Willis.
We're from the Department of Health, Social Services and Public Safety.
You what?
We've been monitoring the movements of Mr Michael Garvey
with regards to his ongoing claim for incapacity benefit.
Are you taking the piss?
As these photographs that we took earlier today will prove in court,
there is nothing wrong with Mr Garvey's back.
His claim for benefit will be terminated
and he'll be prosecuted for a false claim lasting over two years.
Fuck off. We're on holiday!
Are you seriously telling me you've come all the way to Spain
to spy on my husband?
Believe me, love, the cost of two flights to Spain is nothing
compared to the amount of money
your husband has defrauded the government out of.
I'll leave these copies with you.
MICK: Thank you very much, ladles and gentlemen of Benidorm!
- Bye-bye. - Enjoy the rest of your holiday.
See you next year. God bless, good night.
Thank you.
HOST: Nice one there, Mick. Mick Gravy there.
From everybody here at Neptune's, it's adiós.
And don't forget to come back and see us next year.
# There was a one who whispered Oh, hasta la vista
# Each time I kissed him behind his castanets
# He rattled his maracas close to me
What?
# In no time I was trembling at knee
ALL: # Oh, this year I'm off to sunny Spain
What?
# Y Viva España
# I'm taking the Costa Brava plane
# Y Viva España #
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