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- Beautiful night.
- Oh, yes.
3
00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:44,395
(FARTS)
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00:00:47,280 --> 00:00:49,032
The drains can catch
the back of your throat,
5
00:00:49,160 --> 00:00:52,471
but if you're not downwind of them,
it's very pleasant.
6
00:00:54,760 --> 00:00:57,752
Just think, this time tomorrow,
you'll be Mrs Mel Harvey.
7
00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:00,269
I'm not changing me first name.
8
00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:02,789
No, no, that's just the way
we'll be invited to functions.
9
00:01:02,920 --> 00:01:04,319
Mr and Mrs Mel Harvey.
10
00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:08,274
Ooh!
What functions will we be invited to?
11
00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:10,674
Just you wait, Madge.
12
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Just you wait.
13
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,435
(MICK SIGHING)
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Those are me knees.
15
00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:43,989
Hmm. Well, thank God for that.
16
00:01:46,040 --> 00:01:48,634
- You all right?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
17
00:01:51,080 --> 00:01:53,356
You're not still worried
about your mam, are you?
18
00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:55,835
She's 68
and she's getting married tomorrow.
19
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:59,635
Yeah, well, she's old enough
to know what she's doing.
20
00:01:59,760 --> 00:02:00,830
Hmm.
21
00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:06,395
I hope so.
22
00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:09,880
Talking about being old enough
to know what you're doing, come here.
23
00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:11,991
JANICE: Eh, eh, eh! Don't wake the kids.
24
00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:13,554
MICK: Oh, it's all right. Come on.
25
00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:21,235
Madge, would you mind
if I put my arm round you?
26
00:02:21,360 --> 00:02:24,159
No. Of course not.
27
00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:31,553
You're a very handsome woman.
You do know that, don't you?
28
00:02:31,680 --> 00:02:34,911
Well, I've managed to keep me figure,
I suppose.
29
00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:36,519
You've done more than that.
30
00:02:37,800 --> 00:02:39,996
MAN: Yeah, that's it.
31
00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:42,270
- What the bloody hell?
- Who's there?
32
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:45,392
Come on, get on with it.
I've only got a bit of tape left.
33
00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:46,669
What the hell
do you think you're playing at?
34
00:02:46,800 --> 00:02:48,074
What am I playing at?
35
00:02:48,920 --> 00:02:51,673
What about you?
You're the ones on Dogger's Beach.
36
00:02:51,800 --> 00:02:52,995
Doggers what?
37
00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:55,555
People having sex in public.
38
00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:57,193
Don't tell me you didn't know!
39
00:02:57,320 --> 00:02:58,435
(SHUDDERS)
40
00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:01,560
Madge! Mel!
41
00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:04,877
What a lovely surprise seeing you here.
42
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:07,310
Jesus Christ!
I might have known you'd be here.
43
00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:08,555
Hello.
44
00:03:08,680 --> 00:03:11,240
Oh, we've not missed any action,
have we?
45
00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:13,954
No, I think the one in
the wheelchair is a bit shy.
46
00:03:14,080 --> 00:03:17,118
Oh, you did know
this was a dogging beach, didn't ya?
47
00:03:17,240 --> 00:03:19,231
We don't even know what "dogging” is.
48
00:03:19,360 --> 00:03:21,317
It's happening all around you.
49
00:03:21,960 --> 00:03:23,678
(GRUNTING)
50
00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:26,079
(MOANING)
51
00:03:28,640 --> 00:03:29,789
Oh, my God.
52
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:32,309
Well, what am I looking at?
I can't see anything.
53
00:03:32,440 --> 00:03:35,398
Thank God for that. Your stomach's
a bit dicky at the best of times.
54
00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:38,717
Come on, princess. Bloody perverts.
55
00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:41,878
I can hear a squelching noise.
56
00:03:42,000 --> 00:03:45,072
Come on, we're off.
Animals, the lot of you.
57
00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:46,998
Oh, dear.
58
00:03:47,120 --> 00:03:49,839
Oh, well! Up for a threesome?
59
00:03:49,960 --> 00:03:50,995
Absolutely!
60
00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:52,554
(ALL LAUGHING)
61
00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:07,473
- Martin...
- No, don't say anything.
62
00:04:09,120 --> 00:04:11,236
- Could I...
- No. Seriously.
63
00:04:12,160 --> 00:04:14,959
I know why you left me.
It was to get some space.
64
00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:17,477
That's exactly what
I'm going to give you.
65
00:04:17,960 --> 00:04:19,234
I'll be by the pool.
66
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:21,833
- But I..
- No!
67
00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:24,270
- Would it... Could I...
- Ah! Ah!
68
00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:29,474
...have a cup of tea?
69
00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:38,233
How are you feeling?
70
00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:41,472
Rough as a dog's arse.
71
00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:43,557
Yeah. You looked a bit worse for wear
72
00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:47,150
when Chantelle
brought you home last night.
73
00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:50,193
- What time did I get in?
- Oh, I can't remember.
74
00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:56,475
It was late. I think she said
you'd both been watching telly
75
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:59,399
in her apartment
while her family were out.
76
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:01,879
I don't remember that bit.
77
00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:06,358
I think watching telly was...
78
00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:10,195
- What do you call it?
- A euphemism.
79
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:12,197
80
00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:16,917
What do you call it when you want to
use another word for having sex?
81
00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:21,149
I'm going for a lie down.
82
00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:22,918
All right, son.
83
00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:34,599
Here you are.
Get your laughing gear round that.
84
00:05:36,560 --> 00:05:38,153
- What's that?
- Bacardi and coke.
85
00:05:38,280 --> 00:05:39,634
It's 10:00 in the morning.
86
00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:42,434
I know, exactly.
Only 15 hours of free drinking left.
87
00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:43,880
Morning, boys.
88
00:05:44,000 --> 00:05:48,551
Oh! Morning, Gavin. How are you feeling?
89
00:05:48,680 --> 00:05:50,557
Have you heard from your mum?
90
00:05:50,680 --> 00:05:53,274
- Not yet, no.
- Oh!
91
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:54,390
You off to the wedding today?
92
00:05:54,520 --> 00:05:57,080
We hardly had a chance
to say hello to her.
93
00:05:57,200 --> 00:05:58,429
Nice day for a wedding, isn't it?
94
00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:01,791
I mean, one minute she's there,
next minute, she disappeared.
95
00:06:01,920 --> 00:06:03,354
Not a cloud in the sky.
96
00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:07,314
If it were me, I'd be worried
I'd said something to offend her.
97
00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:09,829
You know, marching off without even...
98
00:06:09,960 --> 00:06:11,917
Sorry, Jacqueline, can I stop you there?
99
00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:14,474
Thank you.
100
00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:16,435
We had a bit of a run-in
101
00:06:16,560 --> 00:06:19,313
with Madge and her gentleman friend
on the beach last night.
102
00:06:19,440 --> 00:06:20,839
What? You went on
the beach after Neptune's?
103
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:23,713
Oh, yes.
It's quite a tradition in Benidorm.
104
00:06:23,840 --> 00:06:25,353
It's not everybody's cup of tea.
105
00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:27,994
But we always take
our video camera down there.
106
00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:32,079
Always something interesting to film,
if you know what I mean.
107
00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:33,190
Are you serious?
108
00:06:33,320 --> 00:06:36,631
Oh, yes! One year, Jacqueline and I
got someone to film us
109
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recreating the famous love scene from
that movie...
110
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:43,831
- Oh, what is it called?
- Free Willy?
111
00:06:43,960 --> 00:06:45,997
No. What was it?
112
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- From Here To Eternity.
- Hmm.
113
00:06:48,520 --> 00:06:51,956
Bloody hell! And you say Madge and her
boyfriend were down there last night?
114
00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:54,310
Yes. They didn't last long.
115
00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:58,070
Although we did meet a very nice
Welsh chap, didn't we?
116
00:06:58,200 --> 00:07:01,636
Oh, yes! He lasted a lot longer.
117
00:07:03,080 --> 00:07:05,356
Toto, I don't think
we're in Kansas any more.
118
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(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
119
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,350
- Who is it?
- It's Mick.
120
00:07:16,480 --> 00:07:17,515
What do you want?
121
00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:21,520
# Here comes the bride, 60 inches wide
122
00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:24,837
# Here comes the vicar
wearing women's knick... #
123
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Do you mind?
124
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,712
Here you are, bit of Dutch courage.
125
00:07:29,600 --> 00:07:32,592
- What are you doing here?
- Well, I just came to say hello.
126
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:35,394
See if you need any help. Where's Madge?
127
00:07:36,240 --> 00:07:38,277
Downstairs,
getting a last-minute suntan.
128
00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:39,435
(MICK LAUGHS)
129
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:41,198
And I'll have no wisecracks from you,
thank you very much.
130
00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:44,995
No, no. It'll do her good
to get a bit of colour.
131
00:07:45,160 --> 00:07:47,674
I'm not sure what colour there is
left for her to go, but...
132
00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:52,438
Sorry. Sorry, just a...just a joke.
133
00:07:53,320 --> 00:07:57,439
Well, here we are then.
The day of the wedding.
134
00:07:57,560 --> 00:07:58,630
(MICK CHUCKLES)
135
00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:00,353
Have you just come up here
to state the obvious?
136
00:08:00,480 --> 00:08:02,039
Personally,
I've got better things to do.
137
00:08:02,160 --> 00:08:05,630
No, no, I just wanted to say,
you know, um,
138
00:08:05,760 --> 00:08:08,400
it's not too late for you to back out.
139
00:08:08,520 --> 00:08:09,999
You got ten seconds to leave this room.
140
00:08:10,120 --> 00:08:14,193
No, don't get me wrong. I don't mean
cancel the wedding, just postpone it.
141
00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:15,640
Why would we do that?
142
00:08:15,760 --> 00:08:17,592
Well, Madge has only
known you four weeks.
143
00:08:17,720 --> 00:08:19,677
We only met you just over a week ago.
144
00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,996
I think, we should just spend a bit
more time to get to know you,
145
00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:23,235
that's all.
146
00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:26,229
Sit down.
147
00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:32,509
What do you want to know?
148
00:08:32,640 --> 00:08:36,679
Well, we know you've got a couple of
sunbed shops, but, apart from that...
149
00:08:37,880 --> 00:08:40,599
My full name is Melvin Churchill Harvey.
150
00:08:40,720 --> 00:08:44,634
I was born an only child in Leeds,
on Christmas Day, 1939.
151
00:08:44,760 --> 00:08:48,196
Opened me first bakery in Kirkstall
in 1962.
152
00:08:48,320 --> 00:08:51,950
My only wife died in 1979. No children.
153
00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:54,993
By 1992, I had 14 sandwich shops,
154
00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:59,796
which I sold for 1.8 million
when I retired in 2005.
155
00:08:59,920 --> 00:09:03,311
I opened a sunbed shop
in 2006 for something to do.
156
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,317
Six months later, I had five shops.
157
00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:06,953
And I'm currently considering an offer
158
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,799
from a multi-national fitness club
to buy me out.
159
00:09:11,560 --> 00:09:13,153
What else do you want to know?
160
00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:18,840
(GULPS)
161
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:23,438
What are we doing sitting here, eh?
162
00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:26,916
Nattering on like a pair of old women
when you,
163
00:09:27,040 --> 00:09:29,759
you should be getting ready
for the happiest day of your life.
164
00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:31,393
Which is what I was doing
before I was interrupted.
165
00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:33,557
I'm going to leave you now to get on,
166
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:37,517
but if you need anything,
anything at all,
167
00:09:37,640 --> 00:09:39,597
you just give
your old son-in-law a shout, yeah?
168
00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:42,315
Very kind, I'm sure.
169
00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:45,432
-3:00, on the beach.
- That's right.
170
00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:47,995
Don't bother coming to get me.
I'll make me own way down there.
171
00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:51,238
All right. I'll see you later, then,
172
00:09:54,280 --> 00:09:55,429
Dad.
173
00:10:08,840 --> 00:10:11,434
Telle, does this look all right
for during the day?
174
00:10:11,560 --> 00:10:12,550
Yeah.
175
00:10:12,680 --> 00:10:14,034
You're not even looking.
176
00:10:14,160 --> 00:10:15,878
Trust your nana to get married
with ten minutes notice
177
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:19,072
when nobody's got
anything decent to wear.
178
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:21,794
Come on, Telle, you need to get changed.
179
00:10:21,920 --> 00:10:24,673
I've told you twice,
I'm not wearing that dress.
180
00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:26,393
It's your nana's wedding day.
181
00:10:26,520 --> 00:10:28,238
Her and Mel
have bought it for you to wear.
182
00:10:28,360 --> 00:10:30,351
Yeah, well, there's two reasons
why I'm not wearing it.
183
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:31,800
(SIGHS)
184
00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:33,838
Look who I found outside,
185
00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:37,271
tanning her beautiful, golden skin
in the Mediterranean sun,
186
00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:39,391
the blushing bride herself.
187
00:10:39,520 --> 00:10:41,113
I think he's drunk!
188
00:10:41,840 --> 00:10:44,150
Come on, mam, what are you playing at?
It's 2:00.
189
00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:46,032
We had to come the long way round.
190
00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:47,594
Didn't want to bump into Mel.
191
00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:50,075
It's bad luck for him to see me
before the wedding.
192
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:52,714
He's marrying you.
How much bad luck can one man have?
193
00:10:52,840 --> 00:10:57,391
Oy! That's enough cheek from you.
I've never seen a better suited couple.
194
00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:59,238
I'll be through in a minute, mam.
195
00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:01,829
- Are you pissed?
- Oh, what makes you say that?
196
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:05,430
Well, you've spent the last 16 years
winding me mother up.
197
00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:07,631
Now, you're all over her.
198
00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:13,790
I have just found out that our future
father-in-law is a multi-millionaire.
199
00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:15,797
- You're taking the piss?
- Oh, no.
200
00:11:15,920 --> 00:11:17,069
Oh, no.
201
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:18,270
So, you can tell your mother
202
00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:21,870
that I'll wear the frigging bridesmaid's
dress, if it'll make her happy.
203
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:23,479
Are you going to help me
with this dress?
204
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:25,591
I'm coming, mam.
205
00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:27,438
- Oh, my God!
- Yes!
206
00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:31,757
# We're in the money
Don't call me honey #
207
00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:34,235
(SCATTING)
208
00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:40,235
(SIGHS)
209
00:11:50,920 --> 00:11:52,718
Nobody gets in
if they haven't got a wristband.
210
00:11:52,840 --> 00:11:54,353
I don't want any riff-raff.
211
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:56,232
No problem, boss, I take care of it.
212
00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:59,557
Haven't seen the vicar, have you?
I asked him to get here early.
213
00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:02,240
It was Reverend Tim you booked?
214
00:12:02,360 --> 00:12:04,715
He works in a gay bar
in the old town on the weekend.
215
00:12:04,840 --> 00:12:07,753
The local vicar works
behind a bar in a queer club?
216
00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:12,636
Oh, no, no. He no work behind the bar.
He is the drag act.
217
00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:14,080
Very good.
218
00:12:17,720 --> 00:12:22,476
Mel! Hey, what a spread!
I knew you wouldn't let us down, dad.
219
00:12:22,600 --> 00:12:23,874
Wristband.
220
00:12:26,520 --> 00:12:27,794
Wristband.
221
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:32,550
Are you taking the piss?
You know who I am.
222
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:34,478
I took it off 'cause it was annoying me.
223
00:12:34,600 --> 00:12:37,160
No wristband, no entry.
224
00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:42,757
- Come on, sod the lot of 'em.
- Right.
225
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:49,518
Uh, I might just go in for one glass
of champagne. Would you mind, son?
226
00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:51,916
I do love a good wedding.
227
00:12:52,920 --> 00:12:54,593
GEOFF'S MUM: Oh, thank you.
228
00:12:55,360 --> 00:12:56,555
Unbelievable!
229
00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:58,557
(THE WEDDING SAMBA PLAYING)
230
00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:07,838
Well, you've got to hand it to them.
They've done it in style.
231
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:10,349
Oh, and lovely, isn't it?
232
00:13:10,480 --> 00:13:12,437
What was your wedding like?
233
00:13:12,560 --> 00:13:15,029
Oddly enough,
nowhere near as camp as this.
234
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:17,638
Excuse me, darlings.
235
00:13:19,280 --> 00:13:22,159
My, God. I think
I might actually love Benidorm.
236
00:13:24,920 --> 00:13:27,355
Telle! Telle!
237
00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:30,750
Pass us your wristband. I can't get in.
238
00:13:30,880 --> 00:13:33,554
What? So that you can get pissed
and fall asleep again?
239
00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:37,116
Yeah, I'm sorry about that.
I think I must have had me drink spiked.
240
00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:40,153
I'm actually East Lancashire's
Real Ale Drinking Champion.
241
00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:44,035
Do you know, it's funny
how you're champion at all sorts,
242
00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:46,231
but you can't actually do anything.
243
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:50,558
You're an expert on most subjects,
but you don't really know anything.
244
00:13:52,080 --> 00:13:55,038
I know I was probably crap in bed,
245
00:13:55,160 --> 00:13:57,436
but I don't remember anything.
246
00:13:57,560 --> 00:13:59,517
Which is odd, 'cause you're probably
247
00:13:59,640 --> 00:14:01,517
East Lancashire's
Memory Champion as well.
248
00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:03,677
I can memorlse 60 random objects!
249
00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:06,440
Really? Well, that's fascinating!
250
00:14:06,560 --> 00:14:09,200
And I'll tell you
something else interesting, Geoff.
251
00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:12,755
We didn't sleep together.
252
00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:15,793
Just 'cause I'm a teenage single mom,
don't mean I'm a slag!
253
00:14:15,920 --> 00:14:18,673
A bit like, even though you know
all the capitals of the world,
254
00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:20,950
it don't make you an interesting person.
255
00:14:27,520 --> 00:14:30,399
- Quarter past three.
- Don't worry, she'll be here.
256
00:14:30,520 --> 00:14:34,195
- Hope she's not had second thoughts.
- You're not the only one.
257
00:14:35,080 --> 00:14:37,356
(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)
258
00:14:59,480 --> 00:15:00,834
(ALL APPLAUDING)
259
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:03,918
I'm confused. Can she walk or can't she?
260
00:15:04,040 --> 00:15:06,839
Why walk down the aisle
when you can glide?
261
00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:29,709
Dearly beloved...
262
00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:32,354
Jesus!
The vicar's got more make-up on than me.
263
00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:35,632
...here on this wonderful,
sunny afternoon...
264
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:38,149
- I'm between shows.
- Oh.
265
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:41,796
To witness the marriage
of Mel and Madge.
266
00:15:43,440 --> 00:15:47,513
It is at this time that I would
like to say a few words on behalf of...
267
00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:51,156
Shall we sit together?
I'm on me own as well.
268
00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:54,238
Oh, yes, okay.
269
00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:58,035
...during this gay musical
that we call life.
270
00:15:58,160 --> 00:16:01,039
I heard your wife left you.
271
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:02,275
I am sorry.
272
00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:05,950
Well, she didn't exactly leave me.
She just needed some space.
273
00:16:06,080 --> 00:16:08,390
Oh, I see. Well, I suppose...
274
00:16:08,520 --> 00:16:09,669
Hello.
275
00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:17,190
Mel and Madge have been lucky enough
276
00:16:17,320 --> 00:16:20,597
to find each other
during life's closing number.
277
00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:24,509
Jesus! He's pushed the boat out here,
this must have cost him a fortune!
278
00:16:24,640 --> 00:16:28,031
Don't worry. There's plenty more
where that came from.
279
00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:32,199
If any one person here present
knows of any lawful impediment
280
00:16:32,320 --> 00:16:36,439
to this marriage,
then he or she should declare it now.
281
00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:42,715
JACK: Janice!
282
00:16:44,760 --> 00:16:46,034
MAN: Hey, who's that?
283
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:51,191
It's your last chance. I got the car
with me, we can go anywhere you want.
284
00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:53,391
Did someone order a taxi?
285
00:16:53,520 --> 00:16:55,431
- Jesus Christ!
- It's that lad from last night.
286
00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:57,915
If you won't come with me,
just give me one more kiss.
287
00:16:58,040 --> 00:16:59,269
I can't stop thinking about ya.
288
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:01,676
- Get rid of him.
- MATEO: Okay.
289
00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:04,235
Janice! Janice!
290
00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:07,273
- One more?
- I don't think he's all there.
291
00:17:07,400 --> 00:17:10,279
I think he might have
learning difficulties.
292
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:13,438
He'll have fucking walking difficulties
if he comes anywhere near me!
293
00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:16,431
JACK: Janice!
294
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:19,313
- Shall we continue?
- Yes, let's.
295
00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:25,679
Do you, Madge Delilah Barron,
take Melvin Churchill Harvey
296
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:27,029
as your lawful wedded husband...
297
00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:29,959
- What was all that about?
- I don't know.
298
00:17:30,080 --> 00:17:33,232
- What did he mean, another kiss?
- I honestly have no idea.
299
00:17:33,360 --> 00:17:39,231
...or in health, to love and to cherish
till death do you part.
300
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:40,839
I do.
301
00:17:40,960 --> 00:17:44,351
Do you, Melvin Churchill Harvey...
302
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:49,919
Kate, I know I've handled this situation
badly, but people make mistakes.
303
00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:52,839
Martin, I've been to see someone
this morning.
304
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:55,395
- A lawyer?
- A doctor.
305
00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:57,636
Oh, my God,
I knew there was something wrong.
306
00:17:57,760 --> 00:17:59,159
I'm pregnant.
307
00:18:01,200 --> 00:18:04,397
- But when did we...
- The night of the arm wrestling match.
308
00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:07,034
But we were told
I couldn't give you a baby.
309
00:18:07,160 --> 00:18:08,912
People make mistakes.
310
00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:11,435
(KATE LAUGHS)
311
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:19,552
To love and to cherish
till death do you part?
312
00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:21,754
- I..
- MARTIN: Yes!
313
00:18:21,880 --> 00:18:22,950
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
314
00:18:28,360 --> 00:18:29,475
Sorry.
315
00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:38,514
To love and to cherish
till death do us part?
316
00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:41,795
317
00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:43,433
(MAN SCREAMING)
318
00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:48,389
Fucking hell!
319
00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:49,909
(MEL EXCLAIMS)
320
00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:52,879
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
321
00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:00,392
I'm sorry. Are you all right?
322
00:19:00,520 --> 00:19:01,954
(MAN SCREAMING)
323
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:05,470
No! Get me down!l
324
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:06,954
Oh!
325
00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:08,753
GEOFF: Mother! Mother!
326
00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:11,517
MADGE: Oh, Mel! Mel!
327
00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:12,994
He said "I do" I heard him.
328
00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:15,157
- Hey, that was lucky wasn't it?
- Get out of the way, you idiot.
329
00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:17,157
Mel! Mel! Can you hear me?
330
00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:19,317
Oh, my God. That's it.
331
00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:23,559
I've lost him. That big, fat lump
tried to kill him the last time.
332
00:19:23,680 --> 00:19:25,318
He's done it now.
333
00:19:25,440 --> 00:19:28,831
(SOBBING) What am I going to do?
334
00:19:28,960 --> 00:19:30,519
His feet are moving!
335
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:33,358
They are. His feet are moving.
336
00:19:33,480 --> 00:19:37,439
- He's not dead!
- Come on, dad, you can make it.
337
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:43,559
Don't go towards the light. Whatever
you do, don't go towards the light!
338
00:19:43,680 --> 00:19:45,079
(GROANING)
339
00:19:45,200 --> 00:19:46,554
Come on, Mel, you can do it.
340
00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:47,670
(MEL GROANS)
341
00:19:47,800 --> 00:19:49,473
- He's allve!
- Yes!
342
00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:51,830
(ALL CHEERING)
343
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:54,791
Now, come on, someone get the vicar.
Let's get this wrapped up.
344
00:19:54,920 --> 00:19:56,672
What do you think you're doing?
He needs to go to hospital!
345
00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:57,835
Look...
346
00:19:57,960 --> 00:19:58,995
I really think
he should go to a hospital.
347
00:19:59,120 --> 00:20:01,634
This man has waited all his life
to meet the woman of his dreams!
348
00:20:01,760 --> 00:20:03,956
Get that vicar here now!
349
00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:07,595
(MEL MOANING)
350
00:20:09,840 --> 00:20:11,274
Read, fast.
351
00:20:12,040 --> 00:20:14,316
Do you, Melvin Churchill Harvey...
352
00:20:14,440 --> 00:20:15,510
Who are you?
353
00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:18,314
That's the vicar, Mel.
You've had a bump on the head.
354
00:20:18,440 --> 00:20:19,430
Who are you?
355
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:22,712
Oh, shit! Mel, Mel, don't panic,
it'll all come back to you.
356
00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:24,831
You remember Madge, don't you?
357
00:20:24,960 --> 00:20:26,234
(MEL EXCLAIMS)
358
00:20:26,360 --> 00:20:29,239
What's happening? Where am I?
This isn't Lytham St Annes!
359
00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:32,079
He's lost his memory
from the bash on the head.
360
00:20:32,200 --> 00:20:33,599
I've seen this happen before.
361
00:20:33,720 --> 00:20:36,838
Oh, yes. A friend of ours, gay Derek,
362
00:20:36,960 --> 00:20:39,952
once got concussed
by the buckle of a leather harness.
363
00:20:40,080 --> 00:20:42,469
That's right. Didn't know
his own name for over a month.
364
00:20:42,600 --> 00:20:45,240
And then, in a freak accident
during an advanced step class,
365
00:20:45,360 --> 00:20:47,670
he managed to kick himself
in his own head.
366
00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:50,519
Memory came back, just like that.
367
00:20:50,640 --> 00:20:52,517
Mel, come and sit down for a minute.
368
00:20:52,640 --> 00:20:53,710
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
369
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:55,114
JANICE: Jesus!
370
00:20:57,760 --> 00:20:59,080
MICHAEL: Dad!
371
00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:01,032
Jesus Christ!
372
00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:03,993
What do you think you're playing at?
373
00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:06,270
I was trying to get his memory back!
374
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:07,629
(MADGE CRYING)
375
00:21:10,760 --> 00:21:13,991
Lock him up
and throw away the bloody key.
376
00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:17,511
What are you doing?
I was trying to help him!
377
00:21:17,640 --> 00:21:19,392
We're the only family he's got.
378
00:21:23,920 --> 00:21:25,831
Sorry, I didn't mean to cause a scene.
379
00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,549
Get that little shit away from my wife!
380
00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:31,194
Janice! Janice!
381
00:21:32,880 --> 00:21:36,077
Janice, I love you!
382
00:21:37,480 --> 00:21:38,879
Janice!
383
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,992
MADGE: I'll get you! I will!
384
00:21:42,120 --> 00:21:44,680
(SOBBING)
385
00:21:45,600 --> 00:21:48,638
Oh, I do love a good wedding.
386
00:21:51,640 --> 00:21:54,598
# Down in the land of the Rlo Grande
387
00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:58,554
# When people are married,
they always have a dance
388
00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:02,597
# The music is grand, to a samba band
389
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:06,634
# And people are carried away
with such romance
390
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:10,515
# Ole, ole, the wedding samba
391
00:22:10,640 --> 00:22:14,520
# Will bring
a timid señorita to her feet
392
00:22:14,640 --> 00:22:17,871
# And when they play the wedding samba #
392
00:22:18,305 --> 00:22:24,552
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