1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.SubtitleDB.org today 2 00:00:28,280 --> 00:00:30,635 Oh, I think it's lovely. 3 00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:34,272 Did you ever think you'd be a father at your age? 4 00:00:34,720 --> 00:00:37,473 It's not me who's the father, it's Troy. 5 00:00:37,680 --> 00:00:39,990 I've heard of this gay adoption. 6 00:00:40,840 --> 00:00:44,276 But what I can't work out is, when you get the baby, 7 00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:46,596 how do you know it's gay? 8 00:00:47,120 --> 00:00:50,670 I've not adopted a baby. I've got a grown-up son. He's 21. 9 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:56,557 Oh, heck! Oh, it's amazing what they can do these days, isn't it? 10 00:00:57,560 --> 00:01:00,473 She thinks you made him out of sticky back plastic. 11 00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:02,716 Sorry about that. Had to nip across the road. 12 00:01:02,840 --> 00:01:05,514 A celebration like this calls for champagne. 13 00:01:05,640 --> 00:01:06,630 (ALL EXCLAIMING) 14 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:09,400 Oh, come on, now. You shouldn't have done... 15 00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:10,510 that. 16 00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:12,597 Oh, I love champagne. 17 00:01:12,720 --> 00:01:14,916 Be careful, now, we don't want it to go everywhere. 18 00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:17,759 Don't think there's much chance of that. 19 00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:19,316 Oh! 20 00:01:21,960 --> 00:01:23,234 There we are. 21 00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:26,792 Oh, thank you, Donald. 22 00:01:29,920 --> 00:01:31,274 ALL: Cheers! 23 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,359 JACQUELINE: Congratulations. 24 00:01:36,600 --> 00:01:38,716 - They're having champagne. - Are they? 25 00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:40,831 That Donald's just brought it in. 26 00:01:40,960 --> 00:01:42,280 (YAWNING) Oh, right? 27 00:01:42,400 --> 00:01:44,550 What's he got champagne for? 28 00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:46,629 No idea. 29 00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:48,678 Do you think he's won something? 30 00:01:48,800 --> 00:01:51,155 Wouldn't be surprised, jammy sod. 31 00:01:51,720 --> 00:01:53,836 I can't see properly. What do you think he's won? 32 00:01:53,960 --> 00:01:55,917 Nosey parker of the year. 33 00:01:56,520 --> 00:01:59,399 I think you should go over there and tell him he should have come second. 34 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:02,114 I'm not being nosey. I'm just curious. 35 00:02:03,280 --> 00:02:04,998 Aye, what are you two doing? 36 00:02:05,120 --> 00:02:08,829 Bloody hell! I don't remember calling Ghostbusters, do you? 37 00:02:09,320 --> 00:02:10,719 Very amusing. 38 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:13,272 Madge and I need a word. 39 00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:14,515 What about? 40 00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:16,836 We need to tell you something. 41 00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:24,710 Janey, please, give me one more chance. 42 00:02:24,840 --> 00:02:26,956 No, I told you, you're sacked. 43 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:30,152 Please, I have explained. I was in bed all night with a fever. 44 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:32,191 Oh, I'm sure you were in bed all night. 45 00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:33,640 But not how you think. 46 00:02:33,760 --> 00:02:36,354 I swear to you, the reason I didn't go to work last night 47 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:40,155 was because I was not well. Janey, please, I need this job. 48 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:43,113 Oh, shit. I'll get changed. 49 00:02:43,240 --> 00:02:45,197 Eh? I didn't say yes yet! 50 00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:52,269 Thanks so much for coming, Kate. Shame we can't fly back together. 51 00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:54,118 Well, you have your return ticket paid for. 52 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:55,560 It would be insane to buy another one. 53 00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:58,957 I can't buy another one 'cause I don't have that kind of money. 54 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:01,117 Well, that's sorted, then. 55 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:03,675 Oh, God, I almost forgot. I got you something. 56 00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:06,792 - Martin, I have to go. - Wait there, one minute. 57 00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:11,070 - You ordered a taxi for the airport? - Yes. 58 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:13,157 - It's outside. - Thank you. 59 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:45,111 Right, what's going on? 60 00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:47,954 Well, as you both know, I came back to Benidorm 61 00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:50,230 with the idea of setting up some kind of business. 62 00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:52,397 Now, I'm sure you'll be the first to point out 63 00:03:52,520 --> 00:03:56,400 that, so far, none of my efforts has been a complete success. 64 00:03:56,520 --> 00:03:58,272 Well, apart from the bacon factory in Israel, 65 00:03:58,400 --> 00:03:59,834 there's not a lot left for you to do. 66 00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:01,553 So I've decided to think big. 67 00:04:01,680 --> 00:04:03,990 Very brave, for a man 4" 8" in Cuban heels. 68 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:05,952 Can we just listen to what he's got to say? 69 00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:07,718 Instead of setting up my own venture, 70 00:04:07,840 --> 00:04:11,549 I've decided to buy an established business here in Benidorm. 71 00:04:11,680 --> 00:04:14,832 Can't tell you what it is yet before I've sealed the deal, 72 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:18,430 but we want you to know that Madge and I are relocating. 73 00:04:19,600 --> 00:04:20,920 Relocating where? 74 00:04:21,040 --> 00:04:22,997 We're buying a business in Benidorm. 75 00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:25,794 Where do you think we're relocating to? Skegness? 76 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:26,955 I don't understand. 77 00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:29,549 For crying out loud, what's there to understand? 78 00:04:29,680 --> 00:04:32,911 Me and Mel are buying a business and we're staying in Benidorm. 79 00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:35,111 - For how long? - Permanently. 80 00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:43,071 You can't just not come home. We need to discuss it. 81 00:04:43,200 --> 00:04:46,830 Why do we need to discuss it? What's it got to do with you? 82 00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:57,590 Oh, hello, son, have you had any breakfast? 83 00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:00,599 - What do you think you're doing? - What do you mean? 84 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:02,996 I've only just been let out of the police station. 85 00:05:03,120 --> 00:05:05,839 I know. I was going to pop by this morning 86 00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:09,590 but I thought it'd make more sense to get us two sunbeds. 87 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:13,630 I just spent the night in the Spanish cells 88 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:16,832 and the best thing you can do to help me is reserve me a sunbed? 89 00:05:16,960 --> 00:05:19,474 Well, I didn't think they'd be keeping you much longer. 90 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:22,831 I mean, you didn't really do anything, did you? 91 00:05:23,440 --> 00:05:27,479 I spent 36 hours banged up for wasting police time, thanks to you. 92 00:05:29,920 --> 00:05:31,433 Do you want a Cornetto? 93 00:05:31,560 --> 00:05:34,439 I know it's only early, but I've just had one. 94 00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:36,358 (MIMICKING) Do I want a Cornetto? 95 00:05:36,720 --> 00:05:39,280 No, I don't want! I don't want anything from you! 96 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:42,358 That's me and you finished. Do you understand? 97 00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:47,556 What about a Strawberry Mivvi? You like them. 98 00:05:47,880 --> 00:05:51,635 That's like an ice-cream and an ice lolly in one, ain't it? 99 00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:53,910 Are you not listening to me? 100 00:05:54,360 --> 00:05:57,159 It's over. I'm moving out when we get back. 101 00:05:57,520 --> 00:06:00,399 Moving out? Where to? Where will you go? 102 00:06:00,520 --> 00:06:02,875 As far away from you as possible. 103 00:06:06,200 --> 00:06:11,274 What about an Ice pop? There's no calories in an Ice... pop. 104 00:06:15,000 --> 00:06:17,674 All I'm saying is, it's just a bit sudden. 105 00:06:17,800 --> 00:06:21,111 Maybe you should come home for a couple of weeks and think about it. 106 00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:23,516 Can I live in Spain with you, nana? 107 00:06:23,640 --> 00:06:25,597 What's the UK got to offer us? 108 00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:28,951 Bad weather, the credit crunch and miserable people. 109 00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:30,195 Why didn't you talk to us? 110 00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:32,277 Hey, look on the bright side. 111 00:06:32,400 --> 00:06:35,836 If they do stay here, that's two less miserable people in the UK. 112 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,030 What business have you bought? 113 00:06:37,160 --> 00:06:40,790 I'm sorry, Janice, we can't discuss that before the papers have been signed. 114 00:06:40,920 --> 00:06:42,752 In fact, we're just off to do that now. 115 00:06:42,880 --> 00:06:44,439 I'll tell you what, Mick'll go with you 116 00:06:44,560 --> 00:06:46,312 and I'll stay here and talk to me mother. 117 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:48,511 I'm not staying here. I'm going with Mel. 118 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:51,837 Well, we'll all go. It'll be a nice day out. 119 00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:53,473 If you think I'm spending the last days of me holiday 120 00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:56,513 chasing round after Donald and Ivana Trump, you can piss off. 121 00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:58,233 In fact, I do need you to come with us, Mick. 122 00:06:58,360 --> 00:07:00,078 There are a few things I need to discuss with you. 123 00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:03,830 Forget it. There's a pool through there with my name on it. 124 00:07:05,360 --> 00:07:08,830 Well, I do have to hand over the UK sunbed shops to someone. 125 00:07:08,960 --> 00:07:13,352 Come on, you lot. These papers aren't going to sign themselves, are they? 126 00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:24,677 Hi, there. How's it going? 127 00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:26,673 Hola. 128 00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:28,279 Wink McAndrew. 129 00:07:28,960 --> 00:07:29,916 What? 130 00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:31,519 Wink McAndrew. 131 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:33,430 I don't know what that means. 132 00:07:33,560 --> 00:07:37,235 (IN SCOTTISH ACCENT) No, man. That's my name. Wink McAndrew. 133 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:38,990 Are you speaking English? 134 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:41,077 'Course I'm speaking English, you numpty! 135 00:07:41,200 --> 00:07:45,159 I should have arrived on the coach but there was a problem with my flight. 136 00:07:45,280 --> 00:07:48,432 I'm sorry, this just sounds like a noise to me. 137 00:07:48,560 --> 00:07:50,233 You've got to be joking me. 138 00:07:50,360 --> 00:07:52,112 You've never had a Glaswegian booked in? 139 00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:53,878 Still just a noise. 140 00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:55,593 (GRUNTING) 141 00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:57,789 You all right, pal? 142 00:07:58,080 --> 00:07:59,070 (GRUNTING) 143 00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:00,270 What's... 144 00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:02,676 You're a wee bit jumpy, lad. 145 00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,552 You sure you're okay? 146 00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:08,553 Look, I'll tell you what. I'll check in later, eh? 147 00:08:08,680 --> 00:08:12,275 I could do with a drink now, anyway. No hard feelings, eh? 148 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:14,035 MATEO: Mmm. 149 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:15,434 (BUZZING) 150 00:08:16,560 --> 00:08:18,471 Gets 'em every time! I love it! 151 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:20,398 (EXCLAIMS IN PAIN) 152 00:08:24,840 --> 00:08:30,119 So, Troy having a son must have come as a bit of a shock to you, Gavin? 153 00:08:30,240 --> 00:08:33,710 Yes, you could safely say my gob has never been more smacked. 154 00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:36,229 So, has your son got a boyfriend? 155 00:08:36,360 --> 00:08:38,590 He's got a girlfriend. He's straight. 156 00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:40,631 Oh, I am sorry. 157 00:08:41,320 --> 00:08:45,075 Still, it's a free country. I say, live and let live. 158 00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:48,959 Donald Stewart! 159 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:51,152 As I live and breathe! 160 00:08:51,560 --> 00:08:53,676 I don't believe it. 161 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:57,716 Wink McAndrew! What on earth are you doing here? 162 00:08:57,840 --> 00:09:01,799 Sun, sea, sangria and... Oh, hello there... 163 00:09:02,480 --> 00:09:04,869 You must be Donald's better half. 164 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:07,196 Wink, this is my wife Jacqueline. 165 00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:10,312 Jacqueline, this is an old friend of mine, Wink McAndrew. 166 00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:12,078 Delighted, I'm sure. 167 00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:16,751 My God, Stewpot, you always did get the stunners. 168 00:09:16,880 --> 00:09:19,110 And these are our friends, Gavin and Troy. 169 00:09:19,240 --> 00:09:20,230 Good to know you, boy! 170 00:09:20,360 --> 00:09:23,193 (BUZZING) 171 00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:25,834 Gets 'em every time! It's homemade. 172 00:09:25,960 --> 00:09:28,952 150 volts, cannae buy them in the shops. 173 00:09:29,600 --> 00:09:32,160 God, it must be, what, 20 years? 174 00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:35,750 And the rest. Still, you don't look a day over 70. 175 00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:37,439 Are you still in ladies underwear? 176 00:09:37,560 --> 00:09:40,837 No, no, I haven't had the market stall for a few years now. 177 00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:45,033 I run an online joke shop now. Never a dull moment! 178 00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:46,839 That's a matter of opinion. 179 00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:48,792 Right, same again, I assume? 180 00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:52,515 Uh, before that, though, it's been a long flight, 181 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:56,551 so I'd better give Mr Squawk some air. 182 00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:59,957 (SQUAWKING) 183 00:10:00,800 --> 00:10:02,711 What's that, Mr Squawk? 184 00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:07,079 You've had a long flight and you're feeling a wee bit peckish? 185 00:10:10,160 --> 00:10:12,117 (SCREAMING) 186 00:10:12,640 --> 00:10:14,313 (LAUGHING) 187 00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:33,913 I think you got more than a mouthful there, Mr Squawk, eh? 188 00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:35,997 You're a naughty bird! A naughty bird! 189 00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:37,269 (LAUGHING) 190 00:10:37,400 --> 00:10:40,392 Right, drinks! You're a naughty bird, Mr Squawk. 191 00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:43,792 I'll give you a hand! 192 00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:49,592 Fasten your seatbelts, boys. It's gonna be a bumpy ride. 193 00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:06,392 Mother, you look ridiculous sitting back there. 194 00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:08,318 Anybody would think you couldn't walk. 195 00:11:08,440 --> 00:11:10,829 I couldn't care less what people think. 196 00:11:10,960 --> 00:11:12,598 MICK: Could've at least blacked out the windows. 197 00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:14,950 MEL: It's a mobile showroom. 198 00:11:15,280 --> 00:11:18,272 MICK: what's the point of a mobile showroom when you haven't got a shop? 199 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:19,720 Honestly! 200 00:11:19,840 --> 00:11:22,992 This is embarrassing. We should have rented a car. 201 00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:26,149 I've had it made, so we're using it. 202 00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:28,232 (SIGHS) Where are we going, anyway? 203 00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:30,749 I've told you, to sign the papers for a new business. 204 00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:32,234 Which is what? 205 00:11:32,360 --> 00:11:35,830 All right, so long as you keep it under your sombrero till we get there. 206 00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:37,792 I don't think there's going to be many rival entrepreneurs 207 00:11:37,920 --> 00:11:40,434 hanging around at the traffic lights. 208 00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:43,632 Come on, Inch High, Private Eye, spill the beans. 209 00:11:46,200 --> 00:11:47,270 See that there? 210 00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:50,119 MICK: Yeah, the Benidorm Palace. What about it? 211 00:11:51,440 --> 00:11:52,874 I'm buying it. 212 00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:56,638 - You're buying that? - Certainly am. 213 00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:58,558 Holy moley! 214 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:23,949 JANICE: Tell you what, why don't we both come back home for a week, 215 00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:27,436 we'll weigh up the pros and cons and we'll really make sure 216 00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:29,551 staying in Spain is the right thing for you. 217 00:12:29,680 --> 00:12:32,638 How many times do you need telling? We're staying here. 218 00:12:32,760 --> 00:12:35,593 But what about your house? You've got two cats. 219 00:12:35,720 --> 00:12:37,677 Mary next door said she'd feed them. 220 00:12:37,800 --> 00:12:39,916 She said she'd feed them for a week. 221 00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:42,077 You can get rid of cats easy. 222 00:12:42,200 --> 00:12:45,511 Your father was forever down the canal with a bag of kittens. 223 00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:48,439 Do you know, I do regret not spending more time with your dad before he died. 224 00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:50,153 He sounds lovely. 225 00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:53,476 Can you lot all pick your feet up? 226 00:12:53,600 --> 00:12:54,874 This fella ia a mayor, not the kind of man 227 00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:57,389 who likes to be kept waiting, I imagine. 228 00:12:57,520 --> 00:12:59,955 Now, according to this, we're only a few streets away. 229 00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:04,472 Mel, what if we find a bar or a café and just have a chat about all this? 230 00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,349 You're joking. It's a bloody ghost town. 231 00:13:07,480 --> 00:13:09,517 I don't think they have people here, never mind a café. 232 00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:11,472 Well, lucky we weren't here on Friday. 233 00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:14,399 They were having a re-enactment of the battle of the Moors and the Christians. 234 00:13:14,520 --> 00:13:17,478 You wouldn't have been able to get down these streets. 235 00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:19,477 (DRUMS BEATING) 236 00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:24,992 What day is it today? 237 00:13:57,280 --> 00:14:00,432 I sometimes wonder if life really is worth living. 238 00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:04,954 Right. I don't mean to be rude, but I'm pretty depressed as it is. 239 00:14:05,080 --> 00:14:06,798 I'm not sure I want this conversation. 240 00:14:06,920 --> 00:14:08,877 - Oh, did I... 241 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:11,640 - say that out loud? - Yes. 242 00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:20,873 Do you know, I've never had a girlfriend? 243 00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:23,755 - Really? - Yeah. 244 00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:26,278 Not a proper one. 245 00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:29,158 Richard Burton said, 246 00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:33,471 "Unless you love someone, nothing much makes sense." 247 00:14:34,440 --> 00:14:36,636 I suppose he would have known. 248 00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:42,558 - What happened with your missus? - Sorry? 249 00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:45,873 She was here yesterday. Has she gone home again? 250 00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:50,119 Yeah. Just came to lend me some money and help me get a new passport. 251 00:14:50,240 --> 00:14:52,117 She came all the way out here to do that? 252 00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:53,674 Yeah, she did. 253 00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,873 Bloody hell, you don't get many like that. 254 00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:58,991 No, you don't. 255 00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:08,634 Are you going to the bar? I'll come with you. 256 00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:10,910 No. I'm going to the airport. 257 00:15:21,080 --> 00:15:22,639 (SCREAMING) 258 00:15:23,520 --> 00:15:27,195 He might have Asperger's. Jo at work, she thinks her son's got it. 259 00:15:27,320 --> 00:15:28,435 (GROANS) 260 00:15:28,560 --> 00:15:30,915 It's so ridiculous, these elaborate names 261 00:15:31,040 --> 00:15:33,714 they give for so-called "illnesses" these days. 262 00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:35,592 He is an annoying twat. 263 00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:37,040 (WINK LAUGHING) 264 00:15:37,840 --> 00:15:40,036 Jo's son is an annoying twat. 265 00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:42,833 Winker Watson, or whatever his name is, 266 00:15:42,960 --> 00:15:44,951 is a slightly larger annoying twat. 267 00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:47,720 Diagnosis complete. Who are you texting? 268 00:15:47,840 --> 00:15:50,070 Jamie. He's got some time off work. 269 00:15:50,200 --> 00:15:52,919 Him and the girlfriend are thinking of having a couple of days away somewhere. 270 00:15:53,040 --> 00:15:55,509 I'm just giving him some suggestions. 271 00:15:55,640 --> 00:15:57,392 - What about... - What? 272 00:15:58,200 --> 00:16:00,316 Well, this holiday was free. 273 00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:01,995 Yeah? 274 00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:03,872 No, it's a bad idea. 275 00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:06,434 What, to come here? 276 00:16:06,560 --> 00:16:08,039 Well, not exactly. 277 00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:10,629 I've always wanted us to spend a few days in Alicante. 278 00:16:10,760 --> 00:16:12,319 Can't afford it. 279 00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:15,274 No, you're right. We can't afford it. 280 00:16:25,760 --> 00:16:27,831 Hi, is Jamie there, please? 281 00:16:28,480 --> 00:16:29,629 It's... 282 00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:32,799 It's his dad. 283 00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:36,678 So, are you here on your own? 284 00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:40,509 Aye, my wife died in 2001. 285 00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:42,837 Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. 286 00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:47,478 You'd think rewiring a satellite dish would be a straightforward job. 287 00:16:48,200 --> 00:16:49,190 No. 288 00:16:49,320 --> 00:16:50,549 Oh, dear. 289 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:53,435 And the worst part about it was all the accusations. 290 00:16:53,560 --> 00:16:54,994 What accusations? 291 00:16:55,120 --> 00:16:58,875 Oh, you know, "You forced her up there. You never liked her. 292 00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:04,590 "You must have realised she was still on the roof when you took away the ladder.” 293 00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:08,634 So, Wink, that's an unusual name. 294 00:17:08,960 --> 00:17:10,234 (LAUGHING) 295 00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:12,954 It's not my real name. No, no, it's a nickname. 296 00:17:13,080 --> 00:17:17,472 See, when I was a wee boy, I had a rather unfortunate facial tic. 297 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:20,071 People thought I was winking at them. 298 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:22,191 But it was only a slight spasm round the eye, 299 00:17:22,320 --> 00:17:23,799 which disappeared when I got older. 300 00:17:23,920 --> 00:17:26,434 But for some reason, the name stuck. 301 00:17:26,920 --> 00:17:27,910 (GRUNTING) 302 00:17:28,040 --> 00:17:30,031 Oh, I see. Like that. 303 00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:31,840 Like what? 304 00:17:32,520 --> 00:17:34,113 You just did it. 305 00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:36,070 Did what? 306 00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:37,156 (GRUNTING) 307 00:17:37,280 --> 00:17:38,759 You just did it again. 308 00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:40,359 Did what again? 309 00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:43,033 - Hiya, love. - Hiya. 310 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:46,597 Here we go. This should keep us going till this evening. 311 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:48,870 Ah, that's the stuff, big man. 312 00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:52,356 I'll get torn into one of them, then I'd better go and check in... 313 00:17:52,480 --> 00:17:53,436 No mustard, no? 314 00:17:53,560 --> 00:17:56,518 Absolutely. I'll just get it. Back in a tick. 315 00:17:58,000 --> 00:17:59,559 (GRUNTING) 316 00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:16,398 - Just seen your mam outside. - Have you? 317 00:18:16,520 --> 00:18:18,477 Yeah. She said you've had an argument. 318 00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:19,920 If you've come here to have a go at me, then... 319 00:18:20,040 --> 00:18:23,431 I haven't come to have a go at you. Chill out. 320 00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:31,071 Your mam's nice enough, but I can see how she'd do your head in after a bit. 321 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,077 You can say that again. 322 00:18:34,320 --> 00:18:36,709 You probably just need a bit of space. 323 00:18:36,840 --> 00:18:39,832 Yeah, well, she can have all the space she likes. 324 00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:42,190 I'm moving out when I get back. 325 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:44,517 Hmm. Wish I could move out. 326 00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:47,270 No chance of me getting a place on me own, though. 327 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:50,870 And I wouldn't want to share with someone I didn't know. 328 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,116 Who would you want to share with? 329 00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:58,436 I don't know. Not that fussed. 330 00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:01,953 Somebody I get on with, somebody I can trust. 331 00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:04,231 Somebody who likes kids. 332 00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:09,634 - What are you grinning at? - Nothing. 333 00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:14,391 I'm gonna go get a drink. Do you want one? 334 00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:15,840 Yeah, I'd love one. 335 00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:17,439 Will you keep an eye on me son? 336 00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:18,914 Definitely. 337 00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:21,633 I love kids, me. 338 00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:23,870 What? 339 00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:25,555 Nothing. 340 00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:34,993 What do you reckon? 341 00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:37,597 Do you think it'd work out? 342 00:19:49,200 --> 00:19:50,873 Keep moving forward. 343 00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:52,513 How are we supposed to manage that? 344 00:19:52,640 --> 00:19:54,438 Mother, where are yer? 345 00:19:54,720 --> 00:19:57,030 - MADGE: I'm over here! - Where? 346 00:19:57,160 --> 00:20:00,471 Put your foot down, princess. We'll soon scatter 'em. 347 00:20:00,840 --> 00:20:05,391 (SCREAMING) Will you get out of me frigging way? 348 00:20:06,960 --> 00:20:08,314 (INAUDIBLE) 349 00:20:10,040 --> 00:20:12,680 That's it. That's the building, at the top. 350 00:20:12,800 --> 00:20:14,393 (GRUNTING IN PAIN) 351 00:20:14,520 --> 00:20:16,716 Come on, hurry up. We're late as it is. 352 00:20:16,840 --> 00:20:21,311 I can't get forward! Hang on! Wait for me! 353 00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:23,797 Help! 354 00:20:24,520 --> 00:20:27,433 - Are you serious? - Why not? 355 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:29,358 - Dunno. - What don't you know? 356 00:20:29,480 --> 00:20:32,916 Well, if it'd work. We hardly know each other. 357 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:35,590 There's one way to find out. 358 00:20:35,720 --> 00:20:37,916 Well, it might be a bit weird. 359 00:20:38,640 --> 00:20:39,710 Why? 360 00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:42,038 -'Cause. -'Cause what? 361 00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:44,358 Just flatmates, yeah? 362 00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:46,149 Whatever you want. 363 00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:48,749 You'll probably change your mind when we get back home. 364 00:20:48,880 --> 00:20:50,234 I doubt it. 365 00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:54,949 I know a good thing when I see it. 366 00:20:55,800 --> 00:20:57,677 Oh, there you are. 367 00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,552 I won't disturb you. 368 00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:02,513 I just wanted to make sure you're all right. 369 00:21:05,080 --> 00:21:06,559 Think it's time we got some dinner, isn't it? 370 00:21:06,680 --> 00:21:08,671 You two get something. 371 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:12,953 I don't want to get on your nerves any more than I have done, son. 372 00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:16,789 Come on, let's all go. We can tell you about an idea we've had. 373 00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:20,993 Oh, I do hope you two have decided to have another go. 374 00:21:21,120 --> 00:21:26,194 I can't tell you how disappointed he was when the last girl he went out with 375 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:28,311 turned out to be a fella. 376 00:21:42,880 --> 00:21:46,236 Oh, sorry, sorry! I'm going to squeeze by, sorry. 377 00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:49,389 Sorry. Sorry, love. 378 00:21:59,400 --> 00:22:02,711 - Who are we waiting to see? - We're in the mayor's office. 379 00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:05,832 Who do you think we're waiting to see, Father bloody Christmas? 380 00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:07,678 Well, I don't know. 381 00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:11,233 Is the mayor the owner of the Benidorm Palace? 382 00:22:11,360 --> 00:22:13,749 No, I went to see them this morning. 383 00:22:13,880 --> 00:22:15,598 I have to have some papers signed by the mayor 384 00:22:15,720 --> 00:22:17,757 to say the deal can go through. 385 00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:19,200 Oh, right. 386 00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:22,911 Well, thanks for bloody waiting for me. 387 00:22:23,040 --> 00:22:24,110 (SHUSHING) 388 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:30,314 Sit down, will you? Don't need you to mess this up. 389 00:22:30,440 --> 00:22:32,317 No, I'm sure you'll do that very well on your own. 390 00:22:32,440 --> 00:22:35,034 Were you okay, Dad? Did you have to fight the soldiers? 391 00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:37,117 - Yeah, it were right exciting. - Whoa. 392 00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:40,358 Who have you been fighting? You couldn't fight for breath. 393 00:22:40,480 --> 00:22:42,357 Listen, I've had just about enough of you for one day. 394 00:22:42,480 --> 00:22:43,436 (SHUSHING) 395 00:22:43,560 --> 00:22:44,516 Sorry! 396 00:22:44,640 --> 00:22:48,235 Knew I should have come on me own. If you balls this up for me... 397 00:22:48,360 --> 00:22:50,749 Smell Hardly? 398 00:22:54,080 --> 00:22:55,434 Mel Harvey. 399 00:22:56,640 --> 00:22:59,917 Ah, yes. The deputy mayor will see you now. 400 00:23:00,680 --> 00:23:03,274 Deputy mayor? Thought you had to see the mayor. 401 00:23:03,400 --> 00:23:04,879 Oh, they're fobbing you off already. 402 00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:06,320 Shut up. 403 00:23:06,440 --> 00:23:08,397 Right, you lot stay here. 404 00:23:11,360 --> 00:23:13,749 Where do you think you're going? 405 00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:15,837 You might need backup. 406 00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:17,109 Backup? 407 00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:20,319 What do you think it is, Starsky and Hutch? 408 00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:23,758 (MICHAEL LAUGHING) 409 00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:27,152 Sí, sí, sí.. 410 00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:29,833 Sí, sí. 411 00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:32,036 Right, leave this to me. 412 00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:34,913 They can be very temperamental, them Mediterraneans. 413 00:23:35,040 --> 00:23:37,190 His English is probably very bad. 414 00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:39,436 It'll only confuse him if more than one of us speaks. 415 00:23:39,560 --> 00:23:42,598 Sí, sí, sí.. Vale. 416 00:23:43,680 --> 00:23:45,478 Adiós. 417 00:23:45,600 --> 00:23:46,556 (SIGHING) 418 00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:47,829 I'm sorry about that. 419 00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:53,114 Some dickhead has dumped a 20-foot high motorbike outside my caravan 420 00:23:53,240 --> 00:23:54,275 almost a week ago. 421 00:23:54,400 --> 00:23:56,437 And the council are refusing to shift it. 422 00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:59,154 Honestly, if you try and get anything done round here, 423 00:23:59,280 --> 00:24:01,954 it's like waiting for bloody Godot. 424 00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:08,439 Right, how can I help you? 425 00:24:20,320 --> 00:24:21,390 Kate! 426 00:24:22,120 --> 00:24:23,190 (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) 427 00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:26,039 Sorry. Sorry, I wasn't expecting that. 428 00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:28,913 I mean, I thought you were somebody else. 429 00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:34,592 Kate! Kate. 430 00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:39,112 - What are you doing here? - I need to speak to you. 431 00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:40,799 My plane leaves in 20 minutes. 432 00:24:40,920 --> 00:24:42,672 Please, this won't take long. 433 00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:44,916 I really have to go. I can't miss this flight. 434 00:24:45,040 --> 00:24:46,997 Please, just hear me out. 435 00:24:50,480 --> 00:24:52,630 Kate, I want us to try again. 436 00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:55,116 - Martin... - No, let me finish. 437 00:24:55,760 --> 00:24:57,637 I know it won't be easy 438 00:24:57,760 --> 00:24:59,512 and I'm not suggesting I should move back in straight away. 439 00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:02,632 I just think if we give each other some space 440 00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:04,433 and take it one day at a time... 441 00:25:04,560 --> 00:25:07,996 Martin, I'm seeing somebody. 442 00:25:10,080 --> 00:25:11,832 What, a psychiatrist? 443 00:25:12,520 --> 00:25:13,794 Beg your pardon? 444 00:25:13,920 --> 00:25:15,672 Sorry, what... What do you mean? 445 00:25:15,800 --> 00:25:18,792 I mean, I'm seeing somebody else. 446 00:25:20,040 --> 00:25:23,431 - What, you mean a man? - Yes. A man. 447 00:25:23,560 --> 00:25:25,039 You didn't think I'm into women, did you? 448 00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:28,551 No, no, I'm... You're seeing a man? 449 00:25:28,680 --> 00:25:31,433 Yes. I tried to tell you yesterday, but... 450 00:25:32,680 --> 00:25:35,274 Well, I didn't seem to find the right moment. 451 00:25:35,400 --> 00:25:37,835 But I don't understand. Why did you come all the way out here? 452 00:25:37,960 --> 00:25:39,997 Because you needed my help. 453 00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:42,234 And I still care for you. 454 00:25:42,360 --> 00:25:44,749 - You care for me? - Of course. 455 00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:48,639 That's where it ends? 456 00:25:48,760 --> 00:25:50,558 That's where it ends. 457 00:25:54,640 --> 00:25:56,358 Wish it had been a woman. 458 00:25:56,480 --> 00:26:00,075 At least then it would have been a bit... sexy. 459 00:26:01,760 --> 00:26:03,558 Martin, I have to go. 460 00:26:08,360 --> 00:26:10,397 - Martin? - I love you, Kate. 461 00:26:12,040 --> 00:26:13,314 I'm sorry. 462 00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:28,753 I suppose we could always move out here. 463 00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:32,558 Be a shame for you not to see Michael grow up. 464 00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:33,996 (BLOWS) 465 00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:36,911 I could get a little job out here. 466 00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:38,394 What could you do out here? 467 00:26:38,520 --> 00:26:39,749 I'm not sure. 468 00:26:39,880 --> 00:26:43,794 Maybe I could get a little job working for somebody I know. 469 00:26:43,920 --> 00:26:47,629 How on earth would you do that? You don't know anybody here. 470 00:26:50,880 --> 00:26:54,271 Well, I'm sorry about this, fellas. I know it's here somewhere. 471 00:26:54,400 --> 00:26:55,754 I mean, you can't hear yourself think 472 00:26:55,880 --> 00:26:58,872 with all that silly bollocks going on! 473 00:26:59,120 --> 00:27:00,713 (CROWD CHANTING) 474 00:27:00,840 --> 00:27:01,875 It's a re-enactment of the battle 475 00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:03,434 between the Moors and the Christians, isn't it? 476 00:27:03,560 --> 00:27:04,755 Oh, I haven't a clue. 477 00:27:04,880 --> 00:27:07,759 They have festivals for looking left and looking right here. 478 00:27:07,880 --> 00:27:09,393 It's my brother-in-law who's the mayor. 479 00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:12,273 I'm just filling in while he's out there with them silly buggers, 480 00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:15,472 knocking seven bells of shite out of each other. 481 00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:19,471 Now, let's have a look at this. Yes! Now, this is the one. 482 00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:24,952 Now, if I sign this, I need you to do a favour for me. 483 00:27:25,120 --> 00:27:28,272 No problem. My father used to hold a position in local government. 484 00:27:28,400 --> 00:27:30,437 I know how things work. Name me a price. 485 00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:32,676 Oh, put your money away, you silly bugger. 486 00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:37,158 I need you to help me get rid of this bloody bike from outside my house. 487 00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:38,954 Oh, right. 488 00:27:39,840 --> 00:27:43,435 Now, you won't believe this but they drove up on this ridiculous bike 489 00:27:43,560 --> 00:27:47,713 outside my caravan. Jumped off it, went straight through the roof. 490 00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:51,631 - Get away. - I'm serious. 491 00:27:51,760 --> 00:27:54,718 Then they busted the lock on me front door to get out. 492 00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:59,232 It's gonna cost me about, oh, 800 euros to get everything fixed. 493 00:28:00,360 --> 00:28:02,317 What are people like these days? 494 00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:03,874 Probably kids. 495 00:28:04,320 --> 00:28:07,756 No, I don't think it's kids. There was a sign on the bike. 496 00:28:07,880 --> 00:28:09,393 Probably just random advertising. 497 00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:11,397 I doubt it had anything to do with the owners of the bike. 498 00:28:11,520 --> 00:28:15,718 Oh, it was from one of those mobility scooter shops on the beach. 499 00:28:15,840 --> 00:28:18,229 There was a picture of a little gnome on it. 500 00:28:18,360 --> 00:28:19,316 A gnome? 501 00:28:19,440 --> 00:28:20,760 (SNICKERING) 502 00:28:21,360 --> 00:28:23,590 I mean, uh... A gnome? Oh. 503 00:28:24,760 --> 00:28:25,716 That's unusual 504 00:28:25,840 --> 00:28:28,673 I went down to the shop. It was all burnt out. 505 00:28:28,800 --> 00:28:33,237 Honestly, the number of clowns who come over here trying to set up businesses, 506 00:28:33,360 --> 00:28:36,193 they don't know their arse from their elbow. 507 00:28:37,960 --> 00:28:39,394 There we are. 508 00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:41,718 Now, that's for you. 509 00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:44,029 Let's go. 510 00:28:45,720 --> 00:28:47,199 (HORN HONKING) 511 00:28:51,720 --> 00:28:52,710 (CONTINUES HONKING) 512 00:28:52,840 --> 00:28:54,672 (CROWD CHEERING) 513 00:28:57,040 --> 00:28:58,758 MICK: Careful, you nearly knocked that one over. 514 00:28:58,880 --> 00:29:01,349 MEL: Shut up. I know what I'm doing. 515 00:29:05,560 --> 00:29:06,880 (CHANTING) 516 00:29:34,960 --> 00:29:37,429 Hmm, that's a big bugger, ain't it? 517 00:29:38,640 --> 00:29:40,278 We might have to come back later in the week 518 00:29:40,400 --> 00:29:41,629 with a tow rope, if that's all right? 519 00:29:41,760 --> 00:29:43,558 Oh, yeah. No problem. 520 00:29:44,080 --> 00:29:45,514 You know where I am now. 521 00:29:45,640 --> 00:29:47,631 All right, see you later. 522 00:29:49,080 --> 00:29:51,799 - And don't forget. - We won't. 523 00:29:52,760 --> 00:29:54,159 All the best. 524 00:29:56,600 --> 00:29:58,511 (MICK CHATTERING) 525 00:30:14,160 --> 00:30:15,798 (SPEAKING SPANISH) 526 00:30:25,000 --> 00:30:27,276 (CUANDO, CUANDO, CUANDO PLAYING) 527 00:30:28,200 --> 00:30:31,591 # Tell me, when will you be mine? 528 00:30:33,800 --> 00:30:37,430 # Tell me, cuando, cuando, cuando 529 00:30:38,400 --> 00:30:40,755 I wouldn't have been able to sleep tonight 530 00:30:40,880 --> 00:30:44,032 if I'd left you moping around on your own. 531 00:30:44,160 --> 00:30:45,878 I'm really okay. 532 00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:48,196 I told her to leave you alone but she were having none of it. 533 00:30:48,320 --> 00:30:53,349 My husband always said, a trouble halved is a problem shelved. 534 00:30:54,320 --> 00:30:57,756 I mean, a trouble shelved is a problem halved. 535 00:30:58,640 --> 00:31:00,438 No, that's not right. 536 00:31:01,160 --> 00:31:04,357 Well, anyway, he also said 537 00:31:04,480 --> 00:31:09,190 a bird with one hand is worth two in your bush. 538 00:31:10,240 --> 00:31:15,189 And I think it's at times like this, it's worth keeping that in mind. 539 00:31:17,080 --> 00:31:20,391 # Every day seems a lifetime # 540 00:31:20,520 --> 00:31:23,672 So, is there any chance you might sort it out when you get back home? 541 00:31:23,800 --> 00:31:25,950 No, I think it's pretty much beyond that. 542 00:31:26,080 --> 00:31:29,516 Well, you say that, but you never know. 543 00:31:29,920 --> 00:31:33,151 I mean, look at Charles and Diana. 544 00:31:38,080 --> 00:31:39,434 Have you got him settled? 545 00:31:39,560 --> 00:31:40,709 Yeah, he was off before we got there. 546 00:31:40,840 --> 00:31:43,593 Aw, you're gonna miss that créche, aren't you? 547 00:31:43,720 --> 00:31:47,076 Well, don't worry. Baby Coolio's always got his grandma to look after him. 548 00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:48,315 Yeah. 549 00:31:49,160 --> 00:31:53,119 Um, I wanted to talk to you about something. 550 00:31:55,680 --> 00:31:57,751 I'm thinking of moving out. 551 00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:00,434 You what? 552 00:32:00,560 --> 00:32:01,959 Where are you going? 553 00:32:02,080 --> 00:32:03,275 I'm just thinking about it. 554 00:32:03,400 --> 00:32:06,677 That's right, bugger off and leave your mother, right when she needs you. 555 00:32:06,800 --> 00:32:07,835 You're one to talk. 556 00:32:07,960 --> 00:32:09,678 When did all this come about, sweetheart? 557 00:32:09,800 --> 00:32:14,476 Oh, no. I know what she's up to. She wants to come here and live with us. 558 00:32:14,600 --> 00:32:16,910 - As if! - Well, you can frig off. 559 00:32:17,040 --> 00:32:20,829 Two's company, three's a crowd, not to mention that child of yours. 560 00:32:20,960 --> 00:32:23,554 I can probably sort you out with a little flat somewhere, darling. 561 00:32:23,680 --> 00:32:25,318 Where do you want to go? 562 00:32:25,440 --> 00:32:27,192 Mam, are you all right? 563 00:32:27,320 --> 00:32:29,197 Bloody hell, Janice, what's wrong? 564 00:32:29,320 --> 00:32:32,119 Why is everybody leaving me? What have I done to you all? 565 00:32:32,240 --> 00:32:35,278 Hey, nobody's leaving you. Don't be daft. 566 00:32:35,400 --> 00:32:36,515 I want you to be happy, mother, 567 00:32:36,640 --> 00:32:39,393 but it's just ridiculous, you not coming home again. 568 00:32:39,520 --> 00:32:42,876 What about all the things in your house? You haven't thought it through. 569 00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:46,038 I've told you, you can take what you want from the house. 570 00:32:46,160 --> 00:32:48,515 The Council will dump the rest when they get the house back. 571 00:32:48,640 --> 00:32:52,110 I don't want anything from your house. I just want you. 572 00:32:52,600 --> 00:32:54,113 Christ knows why. 573 00:32:54,240 --> 00:32:58,029 Don't ask me to explain it but I just don't want you to go. 574 00:32:58,360 --> 00:33:00,431 Well, it's not my fault you've got no friends. 575 00:33:00,560 --> 00:33:02,312 All right, that's enough. 576 00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:03,874 Come on, Jan, we'll go for a drink in the other bar. 577 00:33:04,000 --> 00:33:05,832 I don't want to go for a drink in the other bar. 578 00:33:05,960 --> 00:33:06,916 I'll be all right. 579 00:33:07,040 --> 00:33:10,795 I'm not going right away. I was just thinking about it. 580 00:33:11,200 --> 00:33:14,750 You should do what you want, sweetheart. You're a grown woman now. 581 00:33:14,880 --> 00:33:16,234 I sometimes forget. 582 00:33:16,360 --> 00:33:17,839 I didn't mean to upset you. 583 00:33:17,960 --> 00:33:20,156 You didn't upset me, darling. 584 00:33:20,840 --> 00:33:22,990 You've got your own life now. 585 00:33:23,600 --> 00:33:24,749 I was just being selfish. 586 00:33:24,880 --> 00:33:26,598 Oh, the penny drops. 587 00:33:26,720 --> 00:33:27,869 Madge! 588 00:33:29,960 --> 00:33:32,634 You know I'll help you any way I can, sweetheart. 589 00:33:32,760 --> 00:33:37,311 But believe me, there's nobody can look after a daughter like a mother can. 590 00:33:37,800 --> 00:33:39,791 (SCOFFS) Is that right? 591 00:33:46,280 --> 00:33:47,918 Back in a minute. 592 00:33:50,080 --> 00:33:52,549 - Can I have a word? - Yeah, sure. 593 00:33:56,600 --> 00:33:58,079 What was it all about? 594 00:33:58,200 --> 00:33:59,349 I don't know. I couldn't hear. 595 00:33:59,480 --> 00:34:01,357 Well, you're closer than me. 596 00:34:01,480 --> 00:34:03,471 I know, but it's difficult to eavesdrop on a conversation 597 00:34:03,600 --> 00:34:05,910 when the person next to you keeps saying, "What are they saying? 598 00:34:06,040 --> 00:34:08,600 "What are they saying? What are they saying?" 599 00:34:08,720 --> 00:34:10,996 - How are you, boys? - How are you? You all right? 600 00:34:11,120 --> 00:34:14,112 Never better. You ready for a fun-filled evening? 601 00:34:14,240 --> 00:34:16,709 It's gonna be a hilarious night tonight, I can tell you that. 602 00:34:16,840 --> 00:34:18,353 Oh, really? why's that? Are you leaving? 603 00:34:18,480 --> 00:34:19,879 - Eh? - Nothing. 604 00:34:20,120 --> 00:34:21,554 Oh, I think someone's waving at you. 605 00:34:21,680 --> 00:34:24,035 Ah! Come over and join us later. 606 00:34:24,160 --> 00:34:25,673 I'd rather die! 607 00:34:26,400 --> 00:34:27,629 T-T-F-N! 608 00:34:27,760 --> 00:34:29,114 F-U-C-K-U! 609 00:34:33,160 --> 00:34:35,595 Hey! I've been looking everywhere for you. 610 00:34:35,720 --> 00:34:39,270 Oh, I'm awfully flattered, but you're not really my type. 611 00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:43,837 I have many complaints about you. 612 00:34:43,960 --> 00:34:46,634 About me? You must have the wrong chap. 613 00:34:46,760 --> 00:34:48,910 - Can you understand him? - I can. 614 00:34:49,040 --> 00:34:51,077 Tell him I have complaints about the man in the dress 615 00:34:51,200 --> 00:34:52,634 who keeps showing his pee-pee to other guests. 616 00:34:52,760 --> 00:34:55,195 I beg your pardon? How dare you? 617 00:34:55,320 --> 00:34:58,472 You know, that kind of accusation can land you in a lot of trouble. 618 00:34:58,600 --> 00:34:59,556 No, he's quite right. 619 00:34:59,680 --> 00:35:02,035 There you are, you see? You've got the wrong... 620 00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:03,275 I beg your pardon? 621 00:35:03,400 --> 00:35:05,277 It's only a bit of fun. 622 00:35:05,400 --> 00:35:06,799 Right, um... 623 00:35:07,760 --> 00:35:11,435 I think maybe you should be careful, Wink, my old pal. 624 00:35:11,560 --> 00:35:14,074 As you know, Jacqueline and I are very broad-minded. 625 00:35:14,200 --> 00:35:17,875 But these Latin types are not as free and easy as you might think. 626 00:35:18,000 --> 00:35:21,880 They can get quite hot under the collar about this kind of thing. 627 00:35:22,000 --> 00:35:24,435 Is, uh, this the offending article? 628 00:35:24,880 --> 00:35:25,870 (ALL EXCLAIMING) 629 00:35:26,000 --> 00:35:27,957 Put it away! Put it away! 630 00:35:29,440 --> 00:35:30,669 Did you see that? 631 00:35:30,800 --> 00:35:34,031 Very funny. But one more complaint, and I'll have to remove you. 632 00:35:34,160 --> 00:35:36,231 Oh, it's very easily removed. 633 00:35:36,360 --> 00:35:37,714 (EXCLAIMING) 634 00:35:38,520 --> 00:35:39,635 (EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) 635 00:35:41,320 --> 00:35:42,594 I have my eye on you. 636 00:35:42,720 --> 00:35:45,997 Oh, come on! It's only a joke, pal, eh? 637 00:35:46,160 --> 00:35:48,595 No hard feelings, eh? Please. 638 00:35:49,160 --> 00:35:50,514 Oh, come on. 639 00:35:53,800 --> 00:35:55,473 (BUZZING) 640 00:35:56,840 --> 00:35:58,069 (MATEO SHOUTS) 641 00:35:59,240 --> 00:36:02,073 I can't remember when I had so much fun. 642 00:36:02,880 --> 00:36:04,314 Right, drinks! 643 00:36:04,680 --> 00:36:06,193 (GRUNTING) 644 00:36:08,680 --> 00:36:10,876 Jacqueline, is something wrong? 645 00:36:11,000 --> 00:36:12,718 - It's him. - Who, Wink? 646 00:36:12,840 --> 00:36:14,558 - Yeah. - What about him? 647 00:36:14,680 --> 00:36:16,353 He's been giving me the willies. 648 00:36:16,480 --> 00:36:19,677 Oh, you kept that quiet. Where was I? 649 00:36:20,040 --> 00:36:23,556 No, I mean, he frightens me. 650 00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:25,193 Why on earth would he do that? 651 00:36:25,320 --> 00:36:28,756 Oh, I don't know. It's just something about him. 652 00:36:29,440 --> 00:36:31,511 Did you know about his wife? 653 00:36:31,640 --> 00:36:33,870 Carol? Yes, of course. 654 00:36:34,400 --> 00:36:36,755 There's nothing sinister about her death. 655 00:36:36,880 --> 00:36:39,156 It was proven in court, there's no way he could have known 656 00:36:39,280 --> 00:36:41,351 that those mushrooms were poisonous. 657 00:36:41,480 --> 00:36:44,711 This was the '70s. People didn't know about these things. 658 00:36:44,840 --> 00:36:48,151 But he said his wife died in 2001 659 00:36:48,280 --> 00:36:52,353 from falling off the roof after he'd moved the ladders. 660 00:36:52,920 --> 00:36:55,196 Oh, it must be a different wife. 661 00:36:58,880 --> 00:37:00,518 There you go, big man. 662 00:37:00,640 --> 00:37:05,077 Same again, with an added wee kick from your old pal Wink. 663 00:37:05,880 --> 00:37:07,553 Don't be asking me what it is, though. 664 00:37:07,680 --> 00:37:10,752 I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you. 665 00:37:11,800 --> 00:37:13,120 (WINK LAUGHING) 666 00:37:22,720 --> 00:37:24,074 I'm not backing out. 667 00:37:24,200 --> 00:37:25,634 I just think I'd better wait a bit 668 00:37:25,760 --> 00:37:27,956 while me nana and her husband settle over here. 669 00:37:28,080 --> 00:37:29,912 Well, I'm in no rush. 670 00:37:30,040 --> 00:37:32,475 It's probably better to give me mam a bit more notice, as well. 671 00:37:32,600 --> 00:37:33,795 Hmm. 672 00:37:34,640 --> 00:37:35,755 So... 673 00:37:36,800 --> 00:37:41,431 Maybe, I don't know, a couple of months? Maybe three? 674 00:37:41,920 --> 00:37:44,355 Three months, six months, whatever. 675 00:37:45,240 --> 00:37:47,151 Some good things are worth waiting for. 676 00:37:47,280 --> 00:37:49,635 What do you mean, sharing a flat? 677 00:37:50,520 --> 00:37:51,840 I mean you. 678 00:38:07,920 --> 00:38:09,638 I'd better get back. 679 00:38:10,720 --> 00:38:12,074 You coming? 680 00:38:12,600 --> 00:38:14,637 I'll be there in a minute. 681 00:38:15,320 --> 00:38:17,516 Okay. You all right? 682 00:38:17,640 --> 00:38:19,153 Yeah, I'm fine. 683 00:38:19,680 --> 00:38:21,830 All right. See you later. 684 00:38:21,960 --> 00:38:23,792 Yep. See you in a bit. 685 00:38:44,840 --> 00:38:48,390 Let's give him a big hand, ladies and gentlemen. 686 00:38:48,520 --> 00:38:51,717 The boy from nowhere, Shaun Foster-Conley. 687 00:38:56,320 --> 00:38:58,436 Okay, cracking straight on with the karaoke, 688 00:38:58,560 --> 00:39:01,996 first cab off the rank is Wank McAndrews. 689 00:39:02,360 --> 00:39:04,476 That can't be right Terrible handwriting. 690 00:39:04,600 --> 00:39:08,434 Singing The Proclaimers, I Would Walk 500 Miles, 691 00:39:08,560 --> 00:39:10,198 let's hear it for him. 692 00:39:16,520 --> 00:39:17,874 (LAUGHING) 693 00:39:19,880 --> 00:39:20,950 Who's this knobhead? 694 00:39:21,080 --> 00:39:23,151 That's the bloke I complained about earlier, 695 00:39:23,280 --> 00:39:25,715 waving his bits around in reception. 696 00:39:25,840 --> 00:39:27,956 Thought it looked too big to be real. 697 00:39:28,080 --> 00:39:29,753 Looks about average. 698 00:39:29,880 --> 00:39:32,156 (I'M GONNA BE (500 MILES) PLAYING) 699 00:39:33,360 --> 00:39:34,475 # When I wake up... # 700 00:39:34,600 --> 00:39:35,920 (SCREAMING) 701 00:39:47,760 --> 00:39:50,991 Cut the music! Cut the music! Mateo, get up here! 702 00:39:51,240 --> 00:39:52,196 (JANEY GASPING) 703 00:39:52,320 --> 00:39:53,754 Cover him up. 704 00:39:56,960 --> 00:39:58,678 Hey, hey, crazy man. 705 00:40:01,200 --> 00:40:02,838 Esta muerto. 706 00:40:03,320 --> 00:40:04,958 - He's dead. - Dead? 707 00:40:05,400 --> 00:40:08,791 He can't be dead. He only touched the mike stand. 708 00:40:10,360 --> 00:40:12,795 Maybe he isn't dead, but he definitely is not allve. 709 00:40:12,920 --> 00:40:15,196 It's probably for the best. 710 00:40:18,720 --> 00:40:20,199 Get him out of here. 711 00:40:26,040 --> 00:40:30,637 Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen. Slight technical hitch there. 712 00:40:30,760 --> 00:40:33,752 He's, uh... He's perfectly all right. 713 00:40:33,880 --> 00:40:37,669 Just a minor problem, static electricity, 714 00:40:37,800 --> 00:40:41,998 his nylon penis brushed against the mike stand, 715 00:40:42,120 --> 00:40:44,509 and gave him a bit of a belt. 716 00:40:44,880 --> 00:40:46,359 (JANEY STAMMERING) 717 00:40:46,480 --> 00:40:47,914 Right, um... What's up... 718 00:40:48,040 --> 00:40:52,432 Oh, yes, we have our old friends, Madge and Mel Harvey. 719 00:40:52,560 --> 00:40:54,631 Let's give them a big hand. 720 00:41:05,440 --> 00:41:09,513 Uh, just before we sing, there's a small announcement I'd like to make. 721 00:41:09,640 --> 00:41:14,157 I want to thank all who attended the opening of Mel's Mobility Shop. 722 00:41:14,800 --> 00:41:17,269 It was a memorable occasion. I'm sure you'll all agree. 723 00:41:17,400 --> 00:41:19,516 But I'm a great believer in signs 724 00:41:19,640 --> 00:41:22,154 and I think that place burning to the ground was a sign 725 00:41:22,280 --> 00:41:24,999 that the mobility business wasn't for me. 726 00:41:25,280 --> 00:41:28,716 But I'm pleased to announce my latest business venture. 727 00:41:29,280 --> 00:41:31,669 Every princess deserves a palace 728 00:41:32,640 --> 00:41:35,359 and that's why I bought Madge her very own. 729 00:41:35,480 --> 00:41:37,073 The Benidorm Palace. 730 00:41:37,200 --> 00:41:38,315 (ALL EXCLAIMING) 731 00:41:38,440 --> 00:41:39,510 Yes, that's right, folks. 732 00:41:39,640 --> 00:41:40,994 Madge and I are the new proprietors of 733 00:41:41,120 --> 00:41:44,397 the number-one entertainment venue on the Costa Blanca, 734 00:41:44,520 --> 00:41:46,431 some would say the whole of Europe. 735 00:41:46,560 --> 00:41:49,200 By the time we're finished with it, probably the world. 736 00:41:49,320 --> 00:41:51,994 It'll take me a few weeks to lick the dancing girls into shape 737 00:41:52,120 --> 00:41:54,589 and grab a few tits on... Er... 738 00:41:56,160 --> 00:41:57,992 Tips on being in show business. 739 00:41:58,120 --> 00:42:00,589 I'm sorry, that didn't exactly come out as I meant it. 740 00:42:00,800 --> 00:42:06,796 But for now we'd like to sing this song for Mick, Janice, Michael and Telle. 741 00:42:06,920 --> 00:42:08,752 (SPANISH EYES PLAYING) 742 00:42:16,040 --> 00:42:23,720 # Blue Spanish eyes 743 00:42:24,800 --> 00:42:32,878 # Teardrops are falling from your Spanish eyes 744 00:42:33,560 --> 00:42:41,115 # Please, please don't cry 745 00:42:42,640 --> 00:42:50,673 # This is just adiós and not goodbye 746 00:42:51,400 --> 00:42:59,433 # Soon I'll return 747 00:43:00,160 --> 00:43:07,715 # Bringing you all the love your heart can hold 748 00:43:07,920 --> 00:43:09,274 (INAUDIBLE) 749 00:43:09,600 --> 00:43:16,950 # Please say sí, sí 750 00:43:18,280 --> 00:43:26,518 # Say you and your Spanish eyes will wait for me 751 00:43:32,320 --> 00:43:39,829 # Blue Spanish eyes 752 00:43:41,320 --> 00:43:49,876 # Prettiest eyes in all of Mexico 753 00:43:50,000 --> 00:43:57,714 # True Spanish eyes 754 00:43:59,200 --> 00:44:07,870 # Please smile for me once more before I go 755 00:44:08,320 --> 00:44:16,398 # Soon, I'll return 756 00:44:17,040 --> 00:44:25,790 # Bringing you all the love your heart can hold 757 00:44:26,360 --> 00:44:34,393 # Please say sí, sí 758 00:44:35,040 --> 00:44:42,959 # Say you and your Spanish eyes will wait for me 759 00:44:44,200 --> 00:44:52,631 # You and your Spanish eyes will wait for me # 760 00:44:54,160 --> 00:44:55,480 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 760 00:44:56,305 --> 00:45:02,538 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.SubtitleDB.org