1 00:00:25,800 --> 00:00:28,952 (IT'S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR PLAYING) 2 00:00:39,240 --> 00:00:40,878 Oh, flipping heck! 3 00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:49,269 Ah, you got your scarf stuck, pet. 4 00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:51,836 - There you are. - Oh, thank you. 5 00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:55,351 - Oh, that's lovely. - Oh, they're gorgeous shoes. Gorgeous. 6 00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:56,470 Thank you. 7 00:00:56,600 --> 00:00:58,511 Do you know if they do them in a wide fitting? 8 00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:02,676 Oh, God! I've left me other bag. 9 00:01:08,960 --> 00:01:10,280 MICK: Right, where's the complaints desk? 10 00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:13,199 Oh, for God's sake! Can't we just forget it and get on with our holiday! 11 00:01:13,320 --> 00:01:16,438 A pound to have a shit on the plane and you want me to forget it? 12 00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:18,073 No way. I'm taking this to the top. 13 00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:20,760 - Just leave it. - No, I won't leave it. 14 00:01:21,120 --> 00:01:22,793 Me bacon bap was only 90 pence this morning. 15 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:24,433 It's cost me 10 pence more to get rid of it! 16 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:26,198 - Do you mind? - Yeah, I do mind. 17 00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:27,640 That's why I'm making a complaint. 18 00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:29,912 Now, where's the desk? She said it was here. 19 00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:32,600 The flights were only cheap, they've got to make money somehow. 20 00:01:32,720 --> 00:01:34,518 You're joking, aren't you? They're raking it in! 21 00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:37,109 Did you not see that drinks menu? Four pound for a gin and tonic! 22 00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:39,351 - When do you drink gin and tonic? - I don't. 23 00:01:39,480 --> 00:01:40,470 But I do go to the bog 24 00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:43,274 and it's cost me the grand total of one pound for the pleasure! 25 00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:45,516 What were you doing? You were in there about half an hour. 26 00:01:45,640 --> 00:01:48,758 What was I doing? I was getting me moneys worth. 27 00:01:49,240 --> 00:01:51,151 Can't we just get on the coach? 28 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:53,999 We're not getting a coach. Mel's sending someone to pick us up. 29 00:01:54,120 --> 00:01:56,509 See if you can see a sign with our name on it. 30 00:01:56,640 --> 00:01:58,551 Oh, my God, I wonder if he's sent a limo. 31 00:01:58,680 --> 00:02:00,159 Come on, then. 32 00:02:02,720 --> 00:02:04,313 Budget airways? They're taking the piss! 33 00:02:04,440 --> 00:02:06,829 Who budgets to spend a pound to have a tomtit on the plane? 34 00:02:06,960 --> 00:02:09,429 Oh, will you give over? You've paid it and it's done with now. 35 00:02:09,560 --> 00:02:11,312 Yeah, I know I've paid it but it's annoyed me. 36 00:02:11,440 --> 00:02:13,750 Well, don't worry, you can't tell. 37 00:02:13,880 --> 00:02:15,757 what if we'd all wanted to go for one, eh? 38 00:02:16,040 --> 00:02:18,270 What if I'd wanted two? That's four quid. 39 00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:21,199 What would you want two for? It's only a two and a half hour flight. 40 00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:23,391 No, sorry, they’ve gone too far this time. 41 00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:25,352 There's no way I'm letting this one go. 42 00:02:25,480 --> 00:02:28,836 Shame you didn't say that on the plane, you'd have saved yourself a pound. 43 00:02:29,600 --> 00:02:30,590 (CHUCKLING) 44 00:02:30,920 --> 00:02:32,115 Right, come on. 45 00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:33,913 (MARY'S LITTLE BOY CHILD PLAYING) 46 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:50,353 (TELEPHONE RINGING) 47 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:07,991 Casa Blanca. Mrs Mel Harvey speaking. 48 00:03:08,120 --> 00:03:09,315 Mrs Harvey, I'm at the airport. 49 00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:11,590 I can't find your daughter and your son-in-law. 50 00:03:11,720 --> 00:03:13,472 Hello? Who is it? 51 00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:16,157 - What do you want? - It's Les. 52 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:18,078 - Mel's driver. - Oh, it's you. 53 00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:20,476 I've told you I can hardly understand a word you're saying. 54 00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:24,480 You'll have to speak slowly. You're not in Wales now. 55 00:03:25,560 --> 00:03:29,554 (ENUNCIATING) I am at the airport and there's nay... 56 00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:31,832 There's no sign of Mick and Janice. 57 00:03:31,960 --> 00:03:34,076 What do you mean there's no sign of them? 58 00:03:34,200 --> 00:03:37,511 They sent a text saying they landed half an hour ago. 59 00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:40,919 English couple in their early 40s with a little blonde lad. 60 00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:45,356 - You made a sign, didn't you? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got a sign... 61 00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:47,312 - ...Budget Airways. - Oh! 62 00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:50,080 I think I've got them. just stay there. 63 00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:56,069 - Well, that was a waste of time. - No, it wasn't. 64 00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:58,396 I've got me complaint form. I'm taking this to the top. 65 00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:00,511 - Mick? Janice? - Yeah? 66 00:04:00,640 --> 00:04:03,314 Ah! You're all right, Mrs Harvey, I've got them. 67 00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:04,874 You should have said they were a mixed race couple. 68 00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:08,231 I would have spotted them straight away. I'll see you in a bit. 69 00:04:08,360 --> 00:04:09,350 Mixed race? 70 00:04:09,480 --> 00:04:11,391 I'm Les. Mel's driver. 71 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:12,840 Welcome to paradise. 72 00:04:12,960 --> 00:04:14,234 - You all right, son? - Yeah. 73 00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:15,998 You know that Mel's not back from Marrakech yet. 74 00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:17,554 Yeah, I know. we heard. 75 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:19,557 Business trip, my arse. He'll be sitting in a tent 76 00:04:19,680 --> 00:04:22,399 with a dozen belly dancers ripping up his return ticket. 77 00:04:29,880 --> 00:04:34,113 Okay, everyone, bus station is through here and to the left. 78 00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:36,231 (LITTLE GREEN BAG PLAYING} 79 00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:48,350 Thank you. Thank you. 80 00:04:49,480 --> 00:04:51,312 Any spare euros for the Nuns of Altea? 81 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:53,950 Ah, sorry. Church of Scotland. 82 00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:03,675 Oh, sorry about that, they had to scan me luggage three times. 83 00:05:03,800 --> 00:05:05,677 Honestly, have people never seen a handbag 84 00:05:05,800 --> 00:05:07,632 in the shape of a dachshund before? 85 00:05:08,040 --> 00:05:09,235 (LAUGHS) 86 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:11,511 (CLEARS THROAT) Car? Outside? 87 00:05:11,640 --> 00:05:13,278 (SPEAKING SPANISH) 88 00:05:13,960 --> 00:05:15,234 Thank you. 89 00:05:16,680 --> 00:05:18,557 - Please, can I have your autograph? - Oh, certainly. 90 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:20,000 - Who's it for? - Me. 91 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,316 - Oh, is that a Spanish name? - (CHUCKLING) 92 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:33,755 Salutations. 93 00:05:36,200 --> 00:05:38,874 Richard of York gained battle in vain. 94 00:05:41,720 --> 00:05:44,712 - Are you talking to me? - There was a rainbow this morning. 95 00:05:46,080 --> 00:05:47,798 Richard of York 96 00:05:48,280 --> 00:05:50,191 gained battle in vain. 97 00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:53,838 Red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet. 98 00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:56,671 Have you lost the person looking after you? 99 00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:58,916 Now, a small libation if you please. 100 00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:01,711 - What? - A quaff of mead. 101 00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:04,636 A flagon of grog, a sneaky snifter. 102 00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:08,798 - I'd like a drink. - I think you've had enough already. 103 00:06:08,920 --> 00:06:12,709 Oh, the sun is not yet over the yardarm, so don't let's go mad. 104 00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:14,793 What about a tomato juice? 105 00:06:15,640 --> 00:06:17,597 - What about it? - Can I have one? 106 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:20,271 - No. - What do you mean "no"? 107 00:06:20,800 --> 00:06:22,473 "No" is the opposite of "yes." 108 00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:25,559 Now, don't try and get smart with me, young man. 109 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:27,717 My father was on nodding terms with Franco, 110 00:06:27,840 --> 00:06:29,513 so don't talk to me like I'm a tourist. 111 00:06:29,840 --> 00:06:31,717 NOREEN: Oh, there you are. 112 00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:34,480 I've been waiting outside the loo for you, 113 00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:36,193 I thought you'd fallen in. 114 00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:37,958 This is your wife? 115 00:06:38,720 --> 00:06:40,233 You married this crazy man? 116 00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:43,239 He's not me husband. We're just friends. 117 00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:46,796 Hey, listen to me, sonny. 118 00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:49,751 I've had my eye on you. 119 00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:51,791 For the last 15 minutes you've contravened 120 00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:55,390 at least half a dozen level three European hygiene laws. 121 00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:58,200 One word to the powers that be, 122 00:06:58,320 --> 00:07:00,550 you'll be mopping floors at Alicante airport. 123 00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:02,956 So, two tomato juices, please. 124 00:07:04,120 --> 00:07:07,750 - Is everything all right? - (CHUCKLES) Yes. Oh, it is now. 125 00:07:08,320 --> 00:07:10,755 Oh, I don't believe this. 126 00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:14,517 I think I've left me glasses on the cistern. 127 00:07:14,640 --> 00:07:17,075 Can you take this? I won't be long. 128 00:07:17,440 --> 00:07:20,034 Oh, get us a couple of sunbeds. 129 00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:21,675 Will do. 130 00:07:33,040 --> 00:07:34,075 (CLEARS THROAT) 131 00:07:34,200 --> 00:07:36,589 Um, just checking for the glasses. 132 00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:38,875 Right. 133 00:07:42,720 --> 00:07:44,074 As you were. 134 00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:54,797 No, there's no booking for six couples under the name of Stewart. 135 00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:57,116 You must be able to find us somewhere on the system, 136 00:07:57,240 --> 00:07:59,436 there can't be many parties of 12 booked in. 137 00:07:59,840 --> 00:08:00,910 You're joking, aren't you? 138 00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:03,600 There's that many stag parties booked in here over Christmas 139 00:08:03,720 --> 00:08:05,950 it's beginning to look like an episode of It's-A Knockout. 140 00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:07,070 (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) 141 00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:10,909 Is it all right if we get a drink? I'm starting to gag, 142 00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:14,954 - and I don't do that very often. - You can say that again. 143 00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:18,075 Oh, hang on, you're not the jazz band, are you? 144 00:08:18,600 --> 00:08:21,479 - Jazz band? - Middlesbrough Swing Association? 145 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:25,112 It's actually Middlesbrough Swingers Association. 146 00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:29,029 Thank you, Marvin. Yes, you're quite right, that's us. 147 00:08:29,160 --> 00:08:31,276 I knew there had to be some kind of mistake. 148 00:08:31,400 --> 00:08:34,153 (INHALES) Right, we've got four triple rooms booked. 149 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:35,634 That's correct. 150 00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:38,479 Hang on, four triples. I thought you were six couples? 151 00:08:38,600 --> 00:08:41,069 - Yes. - Well, how come you've got four triples? 152 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:44,158 Uh, hello, we're a swingers association. 153 00:08:44,280 --> 00:08:45,918 Thank you, Marvin. 154 00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:48,914 - (CLEARS THROAT) We're on a budget. - Budget. 155 00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:51,554 Oh, right. Well, you all need to fill a form in 156 00:08:51,680 --> 00:08:54,035 and then it's one wristband each. 157 00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:56,438 What instrument do you play! 158 00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:58,915 Anything they put in front of me. 159 00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:23,158 (TYRES SCREECHING) 160 00:09:26,240 --> 00:09:27,639 Oi, Lewis Hamilton. 161 00:09:27,760 --> 00:09:30,400 That sign on the motorway, 120 kilometres an hour? 162 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:32,716 You do realise that's the limit, not a target. 163 00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:34,593 That was brilliant. 164 00:09:34,720 --> 00:09:37,439 There you go. The residence of Mr and Mrs Mel Harvey, 165 00:09:37,720 --> 00:09:40,678 - Casa Blanca. - Oh, my God, look at it! 166 00:09:40,800 --> 00:09:42,632 MICHAEL: No way! MICK: Casa Blanca? 167 00:09:43,040 --> 00:09:44,474 How come it's painted orange? 168 00:09:44,600 --> 00:09:46,876 - What do you mean? - Well, what does Casa Blanca mean? 169 00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:51,109 Oh, it's no use asking me, I've never bothered with the lingo. 170 00:09:56,680 --> 00:09:59,115 Here we go. Home sweet home. 171 00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:03,150 MICK: Bloody hell! JANICE: Oh, my God! 172 00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:06,397 Right, I'll go get the rest of the cases. 173 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:08,397 MICHAEL: Is this really where me nana and Mel live? 174 00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:12,070 Oh, yeah, unless what's-his-face has got the wrong house. 175 00:10:12,720 --> 00:10:14,631 Right, come on then, let's go and have a look. 176 00:10:16,080 --> 00:10:19,960 (LAUGHING) Well, it's definitely Mel's house. 177 00:10:20,320 --> 00:10:23,790 You can tell by the understated elegance, just like his car. 178 00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:25,479 How come Mel's got so much money! 179 00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:27,113 He's a successful businessman. 180 00:10:27,240 --> 00:10:30,915 (SCOFFS) Yeah, that, and he's got long pockets and short arms. 181 00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:32,838 You couldn't get a drink out of him if your gob was on fire. 182 00:10:32,960 --> 00:10:34,030 (ELEVATOR DINGS) 183 00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:37,474 That's my husband you're talking about. 184 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:41,559 (CHUCKLING) Bloody hell! It's the creature from the Black Lagoon. 185 00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:45,117 - MICHAEL: Nana! - Hey, watch me mask! 186 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:47,670 - So what took you so long? - Hiya, mam. 187 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:49,120 - (EXCLAIMING) - JANICE: Ooh! 188 00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:51,073 Oh, isn't this lovely! 189 00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:54,916 Les brought us in the Benidorm car, it's a convertible. It's brilliant! 190 00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:56,678 You know, Mel's not back yet. 191 00:10:56,800 --> 00:10:59,235 I'm running the whole place single-handed. 192 00:10:59,360 --> 00:11:02,591 Oh, well, at least you managed to drag yourself out of bed by 10:50. 193 00:11:02,720 --> 00:11:04,677 I've been up since 7:00. 194 00:11:04,800 --> 00:11:07,474 I've just been in the outdoor jacuzzi. 195 00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:11,150 - Oh, my God, you've got a jacuzzi! - With the compliments of Mr Mel Harvey. 196 00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:15,069 Well, bring it over here then instead of standing there like a tit in a trance. 197 00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:20,751 What the bloody hell's happened to you? 198 00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:24,749 - What do you mean? - What do I mean? You look fire damaged. 199 00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:26,439 It's the new spray tans at work. 200 00:11:26,560 --> 00:11:28,870 Mick tried one out without reading the instructions. 201 00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:31,719 It was you what sprayed me, I kept asking you if I looked all right. 202 00:11:31,840 --> 00:11:33,433 JANICE: Well, I didn't think it would dry like that. 203 00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:35,756 No, and it didn't. It got bloody darker. 204 00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:38,872 I went from Gary Wilmot to Sammy Davis junior in under half an hour. 205 00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:42,391 If you two have come here to argue you can all piss off back home. 206 00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:44,876 I want a nice quiet Christmas. 207 00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:48,072 It's a time for peace. Good will to all men. 208 00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:53,513 Oi! Where the frig do you think you're going? 209 00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,632 I want another drink. 210 00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:00,870 So when's Mel back then? 211 00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:03,071 Oh, he should have been back two days ago. 212 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:04,918 It's been murder getting a flight. 213 00:12:05,040 --> 00:12:07,953 There's a baggage handlers' strike in Marrakech. 214 00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:09,673 Lazy bastards! 215 00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:13,511 Give them a flute and a snake in a basket and they'll beg all day long. 216 00:12:14,560 --> 00:12:16,551 He should be ringing soon. 217 00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:18,190 Oh. 218 00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:20,870 Eh! 219 00:12:21,360 --> 00:12:23,112 - That's better. - MICK: Bloody hell! 220 00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:25,676 Thought it was gonna be Arnold Schwarzenegger underneath. 221 00:12:27,360 --> 00:12:29,431 I didn't expect the weather to be like this, mam. 222 00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:32,234 Who'd have thought we'd be outside a couple of days before Christmas? 223 00:12:32,360 --> 00:12:34,556 Oh, well, it's unpredictable. If you get a cold day 224 00:12:34,680 --> 00:12:37,718 and the wind changes direction, you know about it. 225 00:12:37,840 --> 00:12:39,990 Yeah, and your face stays like that. 226 00:12:40,120 --> 00:12:42,316 - (MICK CHUCKLING) - It's freezing in there! 227 00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:45,831 Oh, well, you won't want to go in again then, will ya? 228 00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:49,074 - Can I have a go in the jacuzzi? - No, you can't. 229 00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:51,316 Where do you think you are? Alton Towers? 230 00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:53,954 Right, your bags are all in and I've unpacked for ya. 231 00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:56,799 I hope you don't mind me saying, Janice. 232 00:12:57,560 --> 00:13:01,599 That cream floral print skirt is absolutely gorgeous. 233 00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:03,315 Oh, thanks. 234 00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:07,320 Aye, I bet it goes lovely with that plain, scoop necked blouse. 235 00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:10,360 Right, I'll see you later. 236 00:13:11,400 --> 00:13:12,515 MICK: Oh, aye. 237 00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:14,513 What's with the Geordie knicker sniffer? 238 00:13:14,800 --> 00:13:18,316 - He's our odd job man. - Yeah, odd's the right word. 239 00:13:19,360 --> 00:13:20,714 You want to keep your eye on that skirt. 240 00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:23,354 If he borrows it, it'll all be stretched to buggery. 241 00:13:23,640 --> 00:13:24,960 Borrows it? 242 00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:26,759 MADGE: Oh, Les! 243 00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:29,473 - Mrs Harvey. - Was that singer all right 244 00:13:29,600 --> 00:13:30,590 in the Solana? 245 00:13:30,960 --> 00:13:33,395 - JANICE: What singer's this? - I don't know, somebody Mel's booked 246 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:37,036 for the Benidorm Palace Christmas Show. I've never heard of her. 247 00:13:37,560 --> 00:13:39,039 You did pick her up, didn't ya? 248 00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:52,398 SU: Hello, Nick. Yes, everything's great. 249 00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:54,955 Turn your mobile off, have a lovely Christmas 250 00:13:55,080 --> 00:13:56,957 and I'll speak to you in the New Year. 251 00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:59,356 Okay, then, lots of love. Adios. 252 00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:03,796 - Solana. - (THANKING IN SPANISH) 253 00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:12,395 (MOUTHING) 254 00:14:20,720 --> 00:14:23,997 That's one of them there. I want you to keep your eye on them. 255 00:14:24,120 --> 00:14:25,918 MATEO: But what are they doing? JANEY: I don't know. 256 00:14:26,040 --> 00:14:29,078 But as soon as I find out what it is I'll have them all out. 257 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:33,069 - Excuse me, there's nobody on reception. - Yeah, I'm on me way over now. 258 00:14:33,280 --> 00:14:35,669 - Are you checking in? - Oh, no. I work for Mel Harvey, 259 00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:39,509 - proprietor of the Benidorm Palace. - Oh, yeah. How are they doing up there? 260 00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:43,190 Not bad, thanks, but it seems we've lost the star of our Christmas show. 261 00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:44,879 We've got her booked in here for three nights, 262 00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:47,037 single room, Su Pollard. 263 00:14:47,160 --> 00:14:49,231 Oh, yeah, she's fantastic her. 264 00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:51,431 Hi-de-Hi, Ho-de-Ho! 265 00:14:51,560 --> 00:14:55,838 - Aye, champion. Has she checked in? - I saw her in a musical once as well, 266 00:14:55,960 --> 00:14:58,998 - brilliant singing voice. - Yeah, I know. Is she here? 267 00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:01,869 Now, what was it? Something about ships... 268 00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:05,316 - Not Captain Pugwash. - I just need to know.. 269 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:06,953 Pirates of the Penzance! 270 00:15:07,080 --> 00:15:08,479 - Has she arrived yet? - Who? 271 00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:11,194 - Su Pollard! - Oh, no, I've not seen her. 272 00:15:11,320 --> 00:15:13,072 Oh, bollocks! 273 00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:15,470 Hey, hey! 274 00:15:15,600 --> 00:15:17,637 - You're from the Benidorm Palace? - Yeah. 275 00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:19,637 You're having talent competition, no? 276 00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:22,513 - That's right. - Maybe I can dance for you. 277 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:23,990 Flamenco. 278 00:15:24,120 --> 00:15:25,758 No, we've got enough singers and dancers, 279 00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:28,713 it's novelty acts that we're after, to be honest. 280 00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:31,593 Wait, wait, wait. 281 00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:34,277 (MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO) 282 00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:43,634 Yes? Yes? wait, I have more. 283 00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:06,959 Yeah, we'll let you know. 284 00:16:09,840 --> 00:16:10,830 - Excuse me. - Hello. 285 00:16:10,960 --> 00:16:12,359 - Merry Christmas. - Merry Christmas. 286 00:16:12,480 --> 00:16:15,711 Sorry, did I overhear you saying you worked at the Benidorm Palace? 287 00:16:15,840 --> 00:16:18,275 - Correct. - Then you know Mel, Mel Harvey. 288 00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:19,390 Oh, aye, he's me boss, 289 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:21,272 although he's away on business at the moment. 290 00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:23,516 Yeah, I'm Les. I'm more or less in charge. 291 00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:25,517 - How can I help you? - Nice to know you, Les. 292 00:16:25,640 --> 00:16:28,712 Well, I'm here with a party of what you might call 293 00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:30,035 very close friends, 294 00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:32,595 and we were wondering if you did any special deals 295 00:16:32,720 --> 00:16:34,677 for your Christmas show tomorrow night. You know, 296 00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:37,440 bring 10 people, get two tickets free, that kind of thing? 297 00:16:37,560 --> 00:16:38,914 Yeah, just come up to the box office, 298 00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,439 I'm sure I can sort something out for ya. 299 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:41,630 Smashing, yeah. 300 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:44,115 So Mel and Madge are enjoying living in Benidorm? 301 00:16:44,240 --> 00:16:46,595 - We're personal friends of theirs. - Well, you're obviously 302 00:16:46,720 --> 00:16:48,950 not that friendly or you'd know that they don't live in Benidorm, 303 00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:50,070 they live in Altea. 304 00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:53,830 - Oh, that's right, Altea. Nice place? - Oh, aye, cracking villa. 305 00:16:53,960 --> 00:16:56,759 Five bedrooms, outdoor jacuzzi, swimming pool. 306 00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:59,793 I expect they'll be having a big Christmas lunch? 307 00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:01,672 Oh, aye, they're getting the caterers in. 308 00:17:01,800 --> 00:17:05,873 Really! They do a Christmas dinner here but they don't do all the trimmings, 309 00:17:06,000 --> 00:17:10,039 and my wife, Jacqueline, loves a good stuffing. 310 00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:13,117 LES: Don't we all, mate? (LAUGHING) 311 00:17:13,760 --> 00:17:15,876 - Yeah, I best be off. - Thanks, Les. 312 00:17:16,000 --> 00:17:19,277 - I'll get that group booking made. - Yeah, you're welcome anytime. 313 00:17:27,120 --> 00:17:31,159 Well, that was fascinating, wasn't it? 314 00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:33,478 Let's have a sit down. 315 00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:37,550 I've seen 'em demonstrate a juicer before, 316 00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:39,393 but it wasn't a patch on this. 317 00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:42,876 Oh, who would have thought there were so many ways to fold a blanket. 318 00:17:43,000 --> 00:17:44,593 My point exactly. 319 00:17:45,080 --> 00:17:48,198 I once went on a cruise around the Med with my son 320 00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:50,470 before we started coming here. 321 00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:54,231 There was a woman doing a talk on folding napkins. 322 00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:57,639 Do you know I can now make a swan 323 00:17:57,760 --> 00:18:02,675 giving birth to three cygnets out of one 12-inch hanky! 324 00:18:02,800 --> 00:18:05,519 (CHUCKLING) You're an amazing woman, Noreen. 325 00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:06,630 (CELL PHONE BEEPING) 326 00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:08,273 That'll be me. 327 00:18:11,640 --> 00:18:13,358 Oh, it's from Geoff. 328 00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:17,635 Hope weather is good. Raining here. 329 00:18:18,400 --> 00:18:21,392 Telle and Coolio send love. 330 00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:25,112 Hope that shifty money-grabbing get 331 00:18:25,520 --> 00:18:28,717 has not tried to jump your bones yet. 332 00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:30,554 (LAUGHING) 333 00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:33,156 - He has got a good sense of humour. - (SCOFFS) 334 00:18:33,840 --> 00:18:35,751 Your son doesn't like me, does he? 335 00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:40,397 Well, he's very protective, especially since the lottery win. 336 00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:43,433 All sorts of people came out of the woodwork. 337 00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:47,112 And he didn't want you going on holiday with a slippery old charmer 338 00:18:47,240 --> 00:18:49,311 you've only known for five minutes. 339 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:51,192 Oh, no. 340 00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:54,196 He didn't say you were charming. 341 00:18:54,520 --> 00:18:58,718 I told him you were an old Navy pal of his dad's, 342 00:18:58,880 --> 00:19:01,793 - but he didn't seem to believe it. - Ah, well. 343 00:19:02,560 --> 00:19:05,074 Me and Don, we got into some real scrapes. 344 00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:06,713 It's a shame we lost touch. 345 00:19:06,920 --> 00:19:10,436 I couldn't believe it when I bumped into you after all these years. 346 00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:12,119 Do you mean Ron? 347 00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:13,630 Sorry? 348 00:19:13,760 --> 00:19:17,594 You said me and Don got into some real scrapes. 349 00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:19,275 Did I? 350 00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:23,233 Must be the heat. 351 00:19:24,560 --> 00:19:26,437 And there's us buying blankets. 352 00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:28,119 (BOTH LAUGHING) 353 00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:32,713 Right. Time for a siesta, I think. 354 00:19:35,360 --> 00:19:38,000 Are we still on for that show tonight? 355 00:19:38,120 --> 00:19:39,758 Uh... Um... 356 00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:43,511 - My treat. - Absolutely. 357 00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:52,674 (SCATTING) 358 00:19:58,000 --> 00:19:59,115 (GREETS IN SPANISH) 359 00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:00,833 Oh, hello. Oh. 360 00:20:01,440 --> 00:20:02,510 Merry Christmas. 361 00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:04,836 - I'm booked in for two nights. - Certainly. 362 00:20:04,960 --> 00:20:07,918 - Could I have your passport, please? - Oh, yes. 363 00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:14,075 (THANKING IN SPANISH) 364 00:20:14,360 --> 00:20:16,192 Miss Pollop. 365 00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:18,235 Pollard. 366 00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:21,637 Check in is not until 2:00, 367 00:20:21,760 --> 00:20:24,229 but in the meantime we have a room where you can leave your clothes. 368 00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:26,158 Oh, brilliant! It's only a small case. 369 00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:28,669 I cannot seem to find you on the system. 370 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:31,679 Do not worry. I'm sure that you're hidden in one of my files. 371 00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:36,433 Excuse me, hello. 372 00:20:36,560 --> 00:20:38,995 There's a woman over there with no clothes on. 373 00:20:39,120 --> 00:20:41,714 - Yes. - She's taken all her clothes off. 374 00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:45,077 She's completely nude. 375 00:20:47,120 --> 00:20:50,750 There's a fella as well. It's all hanging out. 376 00:20:56,320 --> 00:20:58,755 (WHISPERING) I see naked people. 377 00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:01,472 (WHISPERING) So do I. 378 00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:07,037 You've got no trousers on! 379 00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:10,039 This is usually what you would expect from a naturist hotel. 380 00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:12,431 (SPEAKING SPANISH) 381 00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:15,200 Oh, God, he's not going to take his clothes off as well, is he? 382 00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:18,392 No, no, no, he seems to think that you have not paid your taxi fare. 383 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:21,911 What do you mean? Everything's supposed to be paid for. 384 00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:25,112 I have been booked to sing at the Benidorm Palace tomorrow night. 385 00:21:25,240 --> 00:21:26,913 - The Benidorm Palace. - Yes. 386 00:21:27,040 --> 00:21:29,429 You do know that you're in the Solana Hotel in Murcia. 387 00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:31,836 - You're not in Benidorm. - What's the difference? 388 00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:34,839 About 120 kilometres. 389 00:21:35,600 --> 00:21:37,079 (SPEAKING SPANISH) 390 00:21:37,200 --> 00:21:38,190 Pardon? 391 00:21:50,160 --> 00:21:51,639 (TYRES SCREECHING) 392 00:21:52,680 --> 00:21:55,672 There you go, I'll catch you all later. I'm off to track down Su Pollard. 393 00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:59,555 Right. But don't forget, you're taking us into the old town tonight. 394 00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:02,035 Aye, nay bother, Mrs H, you know you can rely on me. 395 00:22:02,160 --> 00:22:06,074 Oh, it might be Leslie picking you up, but I know you're fine with that. 396 00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:08,955 - Who's Leslie? - Believe me, you don't want to know. 397 00:22:09,840 --> 00:22:11,114 (TYRES SCREECHING) 398 00:22:11,240 --> 00:22:12,594 (HORNS HONKING) 399 00:22:12,720 --> 00:22:13,790 (MAN SHOUTS) 400 00:22:18,200 --> 00:22:20,874 # If I were a tower of strength 401 00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:22,638 # I'd walk away 402 00:22:22,760 --> 00:22:25,752 # I'd look in your eyes and here's what I'd say 403 00:22:25,880 --> 00:22:27,518 # I don't want you 404 00:22:27,640 --> 00:22:32,157 # I don't need you I don't love you any more 405 00:22:32,280 --> 00:22:34,794 # And I walk out the door # 406 00:22:34,920 --> 00:22:37,799 No, no, no. Stop the music. 407 00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:39,639 What's your name? 408 00:22:39,760 --> 00:22:41,398 Asa. Asa Elliot. 409 00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:43,875 Can you take some constructive criticism? 410 00:22:44,440 --> 00:22:45,430 Sure. 411 00:22:45,560 --> 00:22:46,880 You were shite. 412 00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:48,513 What're you talking about? He was good. 413 00:22:48,640 --> 00:22:51,439 I'm not talking about the singing. I'm talking about the act. 414 00:22:51,560 --> 00:22:53,995 Why are you singing old, outdated songs? 415 00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:56,670 - Well, that's kind of my act. - Well, we don't want it here. 416 00:22:56,800 --> 00:22:59,633 This is Mel Harvey's Benidorm Palace. 417 00:23:00,080 --> 00:23:02,594 We're at the cutting edge of show business. 418 00:23:02,840 --> 00:23:05,116 We need something fresh and vital. 419 00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:07,880 Something the kids today are listening to. 420 00:23:09,800 --> 00:23:11,074 Number 14. 421 00:23:14,560 --> 00:23:17,757 # Yeah, I should have known it from the very start 422 00:23:17,880 --> 00:23:20,793 # This girl will leave me with a broken heart 423 00:23:20,920 --> 00:23:23,833 # Now listen people what I'm telling you 424 00:23:23,960 --> 00:23:26,156 # I keep away from Runaround Sue 425 00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:29,591 # Yeah, I miss her lips and the smile on her face 426 00:23:29,720 --> 00:23:32,838 # The touch on my hand and this girl's warm embrace 427 00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:35,270 # So if you don't wanna cry like I do... # 428 00:23:35,400 --> 00:23:37,516 Yeah, yeah, that's better! 429 00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:40,110 You're through to the next round. 430 00:23:40,240 --> 00:23:41,275 Yes! 431 00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:43,996 - Is there another round? - Oh, frigged if I know. 432 00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:45,679 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 433 00:23:47,560 --> 00:23:49,756 Finally, he bloody rings! 434 00:23:50,120 --> 00:23:52,839 I'm here doing all the donkey work while he's probably sitting somewhere 435 00:23:52,960 --> 00:23:55,236 being fanned by a punkah-wallah. 436 00:23:56,640 --> 00:23:59,280 Hello, my angel. 437 00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:01,950 We were just talking about you. 438 00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:04,435 - How's it all going? - What's a punkah-wallah? 439 00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:05,550 Haven't a clue. 440 00:24:05,680 --> 00:24:08,354 Oh, it's all going really well. We've got some cracking acts. 441 00:24:08,480 --> 00:24:10,232 Have you managed to get a flight? 442 00:24:12,640 --> 00:24:13,630 Oh. 443 00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:17,672 Oh, sorry about that, I were just rinsing through a pair of tights. 444 00:24:17,800 --> 00:24:19,711 I've popped them on the radiator for tonight. 445 00:24:19,840 --> 00:24:21,478 Nowt worse than a damp gussett. 446 00:24:21,600 --> 00:24:22,715 (LAUGHING) 447 00:24:22,840 --> 00:24:24,035 MADGE: I'll pass you over. 448 00:24:24,400 --> 00:24:27,438 It's Mel. Wants to talk about Su Pollard. 449 00:24:27,920 --> 00:24:29,558 Yeah. Hello, boss. 450 00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:32,675 Well, her manager phoned me this morning to say that she got 451 00:24:32,800 --> 00:24:34,871 on the plane all right, but we've heard nowt since. 452 00:24:35,200 --> 00:24:36,952 She wasn't at arrivals. 453 00:24:37,760 --> 00:24:39,159 We've checked the Solana. 454 00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:41,794 But don't worry, Mr Harvey, I'll track her down. 455 00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:43,797 (MEL SHOUTING ON PHONE) 456 00:24:45,200 --> 00:24:46,599 Give it here. 457 00:24:47,520 --> 00:24:49,750 So, this Su Pollard, where is she then? 458 00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:51,354 Your guess is as good as mine. 459 00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:58,357 # Tomorrow, tomorrow I love you tomorrow 460 00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:05,193 # You're only a day away # 461 00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:07,673 (PEOPLE APPLAUDING) 462 00:25:25,680 --> 00:25:27,751 Enough money. Is that all right? 463 00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:33,390 (PEOPLE EXCLAIMING) 464 00:25:36,560 --> 00:25:38,119 (PEOPLE MOANING) 465 00:25:40,160 --> 00:25:42,390 I think they cannot hear because they are making too much noise. 466 00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:43,510 Well done, Einstein. 467 00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:45,836 What do you do for an encore? Count to 10? 468 00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:47,633 (PEOPLE GRUNTING) 469 00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:49,314 (BANGING) 470 00:25:52,000 --> 00:25:53,718 Open this door. Now! 471 00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:00,149 (PANTING) 472 00:26:00,640 --> 00:26:02,756 Yes? Can I help you? 473 00:26:02,880 --> 00:26:05,190 Can you help us? Are you taking the piss? 474 00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:07,231 - I'm sorry! - What are you doing in there? 475 00:26:07,360 --> 00:26:09,954 I fail to see what concern that is of yours. 476 00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:12,515 I'll tell you what concern it is of mine. 477 00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:14,790 I've got a pensioner on a karaoke downstairs 478 00:26:14,920 --> 00:26:17,230 been singing Do They Know it's Christmas? 479 00:26:17,360 --> 00:26:18,714 for the last 45 minutes. 480 00:26:18,840 --> 00:26:22,037 'Cause every time the light dims, the machine resets itself. 481 00:26:22,480 --> 00:26:23,879 (PEOPLE MOANING LOUDLY) 482 00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:25,229 (HANGING) 483 00:26:28,160 --> 00:26:29,798 (PEOPLE APPLAUDING) 484 00:26:29,920 --> 00:26:32,070 How many people have you got in there? 485 00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:35,670 Donald, somebody else will have to have a go. 486 00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:37,992 I can't see properly. 487 00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:43,354 NOREEN: That were a smashing night out. 488 00:26:43,920 --> 00:26:48,676 Who'd have thought there was sophisticated cabaret in every bar. 489 00:26:48,800 --> 00:26:50,598 Sophisticated cabaret? 490 00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:54,156 (SCOFFS) That last place had an inflatable Pavarotti 491 00:26:54,280 --> 00:26:56,715 singing Nessun Dorma with a 10-foot penis. 492 00:26:56,840 --> 00:26:59,514 Reminded me of my Ron. 493 00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:02,675 He had a good pair of lungs on him. 494 00:27:04,120 --> 00:27:05,269 Noreen. 495 00:27:07,080 --> 00:27:09,071 Do you believe in destiny! 496 00:27:09,320 --> 00:27:10,879 How do you mean? 497 00:27:11,320 --> 00:27:14,119 Do you believe we all end up with the right person? 498 00:27:14,240 --> 00:27:15,958 Oh, I don't know. 499 00:27:17,480 --> 00:27:19,391 I never had much choice. 500 00:27:19,840 --> 00:27:22,559 There was only Ron who asked to marry me. 501 00:27:24,320 --> 00:27:27,312 Actually, I tell a lie, there was another. 502 00:27:28,280 --> 00:27:30,715 It were 1959, 503 00:27:31,240 --> 00:27:32,992 and me and my twin sister, Doreen, 504 00:27:33,120 --> 00:27:36,476 used to go to a dance every Friday night. 505 00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:41,232 Funny little fella in a bow tie 506 00:27:41,480 --> 00:27:44,632 used to come up to me every week and say, 507 00:27:44,760 --> 00:27:49,436 "You are the most beautiful woman I've ever clapped eyes on." 508 00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:53,233 Four weeks on the trot he did that. 509 00:27:53,360 --> 00:27:56,239 Just came up to me and said the same thing. 510 00:27:57,520 --> 00:27:59,955 I suppose nowadays 511 00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:03,630 you'd get a restraining order on someone like that. 512 00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:07,477 But in them days, we lead a more simple life. 513 00:28:08,440 --> 00:28:12,035 I just got a friend of me dad's to break his legs. 514 00:28:14,800 --> 00:28:16,393 (BOTH EXCLAIMING) 515 00:28:19,120 --> 00:28:21,031 (BOTH GRUNTING) 516 00:28:21,160 --> 00:28:25,074 Well, don't just lie there. Get off me! 517 00:28:25,400 --> 00:28:28,711 I can't, me back's locked, I can't move. 518 00:28:30,240 --> 00:28:32,072 (GRUNTING) 519 00:28:35,640 --> 00:28:36,630 Oh. 520 00:28:38,560 --> 00:28:41,552 This is not what you think. 521 00:28:44,000 --> 00:28:44,990 Oh. 522 00:28:48,480 --> 00:28:49,709 Oh, dear. 523 00:28:57,240 --> 00:29:01,552 (IN SPANISH AGENT) You are Mr Michelle Clive and Mrs Norman Maltby. 524 00:29:02,120 --> 00:29:05,715 No, the surname is Mitchell. First name, Cliive. 525 00:29:06,360 --> 00:29:08,920 And I'm Noreen, not Norman. 526 00:29:10,120 --> 00:29:12,589 Please, Michele, Norman, 527 00:29:13,400 --> 00:29:15,152 you are seriously charged, 528 00:29:15,280 --> 00:29:18,193 and I nominate you to only spoke when you are speaken to. 529 00:29:18,880 --> 00:29:20,518 (SPEAKING SPANISH) 530 00:29:25,320 --> 00:29:27,231 You're charged with entering on the beach, 531 00:29:27,360 --> 00:29:29,954 which has a fine of 750 euros. 532 00:29:30,280 --> 00:29:34,751 750 euros? We haven't got that kind of money. 533 00:29:34,880 --> 00:29:37,190 As you are both senior service, 534 00:29:37,320 --> 00:29:39,630 we're willing to look up you both with clementine 535 00:29:39,760 --> 00:29:43,833 and we'll charge you 150 euros for the miniature offence 536 00:29:43,960 --> 00:29:46,600 of playing ball games outside the desecrated areas. 537 00:29:46,720 --> 00:29:48,631 Now, just a minute... 538 00:29:50,640 --> 00:29:53,109 This is our final price. You can leave it or take it. 539 00:29:53,240 --> 00:29:54,674 We'll take it. 540 00:30:07,720 --> 00:30:10,519 (ROCKIN' AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE PLAYING) 541 00:30:22,040 --> 00:30:23,155 (INAUDIBLE) 542 00:31:09,880 --> 00:31:13,430 We'll put Mel's presents under the tree, he can have them when he gets back. 543 00:31:13,560 --> 00:31:14,834 What time is his flight? 544 00:31:14,960 --> 00:31:16,678 He said he'd be back for his Christmas dinner 545 00:31:16,800 --> 00:31:18,711 and Mel Harvey's word is his bond. 546 00:31:18,840 --> 00:31:20,717 There can't be that many flights on Christmas Day. 547 00:31:20,840 --> 00:31:23,400 Right. Let's get this lot cleared up. 548 00:31:24,080 --> 00:31:26,469 We don't want the place a mess when he does get back. 549 00:31:26,600 --> 00:31:28,511 Michael, you going to help me start on the veg? 550 00:31:28,640 --> 00:31:29,914 I don't like vegetables. 551 00:31:30,040 --> 00:31:32,156 I'm not asking you to eat them, I'm asking you to peel them. 552 00:31:32,280 --> 00:31:35,238 No need for that, we've got the caterers coming in half an hour. 553 00:31:35,360 --> 00:31:36,714 The caterers on Christmas Day! 554 00:31:36,840 --> 00:31:39,559 Of course, Mel doesn't like me doing too much. 555 00:31:39,680 --> 00:31:41,114 Hey, you want to be careful, 556 00:31:41,240 --> 00:31:42,594 I heard you had to squeeze your own toothpaste 557 00:31:42,720 --> 00:31:43,710 out of your tube this morning. 558 00:31:43,840 --> 00:31:46,639 Hey, we're having no arguing, not on Christmas Day. 559 00:31:46,760 --> 00:31:48,637 Mrs Harvey, if you'd like to step outside, 560 00:31:48,760 --> 00:31:50,956 your present from Mr Harvey's arrived. 561 00:31:51,080 --> 00:31:52,479 What present? 562 00:31:52,960 --> 00:31:54,997 What are you talking about? 563 00:31:57,880 --> 00:31:59,279 Shall I do the honours, Mrs H? 564 00:32:01,720 --> 00:32:03,711 - Ta-da! - (ALL EXCLAIM) 565 00:32:03,840 --> 00:32:05,478 What's he bought her an invalid car for? 566 00:32:05,600 --> 00:32:07,511 It's not an invalid car. 567 00:32:10,080 --> 00:32:13,038 - It's brilliant, dad! Can I have one? - No, you can't. 568 00:32:15,640 --> 00:32:17,995 - Don't you like it, mam? - It's lovely. 569 00:32:18,120 --> 00:32:20,350 Just thought Mel was going to be sitting in it. 570 00:32:20,480 --> 00:32:22,756 Thought that was going to be the surprise. 571 00:32:22,880 --> 00:32:24,359 It's an electric vehicle. 572 00:32:24,480 --> 00:32:27,677 Too small to be classed as a car, so you don't need a license. 573 00:32:28,240 --> 00:32:30,277 What, so she drives all around the house in a wheelchair 574 00:32:30,400 --> 00:32:32,710 then comes out here and gets into this. Brilliant. 575 00:32:32,840 --> 00:32:34,911 What's he going to do for her birthday, get her legs chopped off? 576 00:32:35,040 --> 00:32:36,519 - Oh. - (LAUGHING) 577 00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:40,152 Right, then. I'll be off, Mrs H. 578 00:32:40,280 --> 00:32:41,873 Yeah. Merry Christmas. 579 00:32:42,000 --> 00:32:44,389 Are you going anywhere nice for your Christmas dinner? 580 00:32:44,520 --> 00:32:45,669 Well... 581 00:32:46,480 --> 00:32:49,916 No, no. I was going to see what was open in Benidorm like. 582 00:32:51,080 --> 00:32:53,435 I haven't got any family here in Spain. 583 00:32:53,560 --> 00:32:54,914 Oh, why don't you stay here? 584 00:32:55,040 --> 00:32:56,235 - Well... - Mam? 585 00:32:56,360 --> 00:32:57,350 What? 586 00:32:57,480 --> 00:32:59,073 Les hasn't got anywhere to have Christmas dinner. 587 00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:02,750 - Yeah, I heard him. - Well, he can have it here, can't he? 588 00:33:06,000 --> 00:33:07,320 - Mam? - What? 589 00:33:07,440 --> 00:33:09,078 Oh, for God's sake! 590 00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:12,352 Les, do you want to stay here and have your Christmas dinner with us? 591 00:33:12,480 --> 00:33:13,709 Well, I don't want to impose... 592 00:33:13,840 --> 00:33:15,911 There you go, he doesn't want to impose. 593 00:33:16,040 --> 00:33:18,429 - But if you're offering. - Yeah, we are. Aren't we, mam? 594 00:33:18,560 --> 00:33:20,949 - Are we? - Yes! It's Christmas! 595 00:33:21,440 --> 00:33:23,670 - The more the merrier. - (LAUGHS) 596 00:33:24,200 --> 00:33:25,315 (Car horn HONKING) 597 00:33:26,120 --> 00:33:27,599 That'll be Mel! 598 00:33:28,120 --> 00:33:29,872 (GREETING IN SPANISH) 599 00:33:30,640 --> 00:33:32,153 What the frig do you want? 600 00:33:32,280 --> 00:33:34,874 Hello, there! Merry Christmas. 601 00:33:35,280 --> 00:33:37,317 Madge, how are you? 602 00:33:37,800 --> 00:33:39,837 It's Mick, isn't it? 603 00:33:40,080 --> 00:33:42,071 You all right? What you doing here? 604 00:33:42,200 --> 00:33:43,793 We're guests of Les! 605 00:33:43,920 --> 00:33:46,389 Bumped into him in the Solana, didn't we? 606 00:33:46,520 --> 00:33:49,160 He said to drop by anytime. 607 00:33:49,280 --> 00:33:50,793 I think there might have been a bit of confusion, 608 00:33:50,920 --> 00:33:52,911 I was actually talking about the Benidorm Palace... 609 00:33:53,040 --> 00:33:56,351 Oh, that's all right. We're coming there tonight as well. 610 00:33:56,480 --> 00:33:59,074 What a fabulous place! 611 00:34:04,120 --> 00:34:07,670 Ah, well, as Janice said, the more the merrier! 612 00:34:13,080 --> 00:34:14,718 Oh, he's won it again! 613 00:34:14,840 --> 00:34:16,399 (ALL CHATTERING) 614 00:34:31,080 --> 00:34:33,037 Oh! That were a good one. 615 00:34:35,120 --> 00:34:36,519 Try ringing him again, mam. 616 00:34:36,640 --> 00:34:39,154 He said he'd be back for his Christmas dinner, 617 00:34:39,280 --> 00:34:40,873 I don't know what's going on. 618 00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:43,116 Well, can't we just start without him? I'm bloody starving! 619 00:34:43,240 --> 00:34:44,469 - Stop it! - What? 620 00:34:48,200 --> 00:34:49,599 Right, right! 621 00:34:50,320 --> 00:34:51,310 (GLASS CLINKING) 622 00:34:51,440 --> 00:34:53,716 If I could have your attention, please. 623 00:34:55,160 --> 00:34:57,197 I think we should say grace. 624 00:34:57,320 --> 00:34:59,675 Grace? Bloody hell, watch out for the bolt of lightning. 625 00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:01,279 And what's that supposed to mean? 626 00:35:01,400 --> 00:35:02,799 Well, it's a bit hypocritical. 627 00:35:02,920 --> 00:35:04,194 When was the last time you went to church? 628 00:35:04,320 --> 00:35:05,390 What's that got to do with it? 629 00:35:05,520 --> 00:35:10,230 Oh, Donald used to be a lay preacher in the '70s, if you'd like him to do it. 630 00:35:10,360 --> 00:35:12,670 (LAUGHS) Oh, Jesus Christ, I've heard it all now. 631 00:35:12,800 --> 00:35:15,314 Oh, do you mind, blaspheming at the table? 632 00:35:15,440 --> 00:35:17,317 When did you turn into the Archbishop of Canterbury! 633 00:35:17,440 --> 00:35:18,430 Don't listen to him, mam. 634 00:35:18,560 --> 00:35:20,710 If you want to say a prayer before we eat you go ahead. 635 00:35:20,840 --> 00:35:22,592 Yeah, come on, Mrs H. 636 00:35:22,720 --> 00:35:24,313 Want me to turn the music off for you? 637 00:35:24,440 --> 00:35:26,397 Oh, no, no, no. Forget it, 638 00:35:26,520 --> 00:35:28,989 he's spoilt the moment now. Frig the lot of you. 639 00:35:29,120 --> 00:35:31,270 There you go. Spoken like a true Christian. 640 00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:34,677 I would like to say how lovely it is to have wonderful family 641 00:35:34,800 --> 00:35:37,553 and friends here on such a special day. 642 00:35:37,680 --> 00:35:41,150 Friends? Two of them weren't invited, the other one works for your mother. 643 00:35:41,280 --> 00:35:44,477 I think you'll find we've cleared up that little misunderstanding. 644 00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:45,954 Oh, misunderstanding? 645 00:35:46,080 --> 00:35:47,957 You just want a Christmas dinner, I know you two. 646 00:35:48,080 --> 00:35:49,673 You'd have a poke in the eye if you thought it were free. 647 00:35:49,800 --> 00:35:51,518 All right, that's enough! What's wrong with you? 648 00:35:51,640 --> 00:35:53,551 - Well, she started it. - No, I didn't. 649 00:35:53,680 --> 00:35:55,671 It's Christmas Day! Peace on Earth. 650 00:35:55,800 --> 00:35:57,393 You don't have to be Christian to want a bit of that. 651 00:35:57,520 --> 00:35:59,318 - Hear hear. - (DOORBELL RINGING) 652 00:35:59,440 --> 00:36:01,431 - (KNOCKING ON DOOR) - Who the bloody hell is that? 653 00:36:01,560 --> 00:36:03,198 - I'll go. - (CELL PHONE RINGING) 654 00:36:03,320 --> 00:36:04,310 It's Mel. 655 00:36:04,440 --> 00:36:05,839 - Well, give it here. - Hang on. 656 00:36:06,200 --> 00:36:07,634 - Hiya, Mel, what's going on? - LES: It's you. 657 00:36:07,760 --> 00:36:10,718 I don't even care if they've got a champagne reception. 658 00:36:10,840 --> 00:36:14,231 The way they've treated me is totally unacceptable. I'm fed up! 659 00:36:14,360 --> 00:36:17,830 Right. which one of you is Mel Harvey! 660 00:36:18,600 --> 00:36:19,920 Oh, Christ! 661 00:36:20,240 --> 00:36:22,436 No, no, no. Everything's all right, Mel. 662 00:36:22,560 --> 00:36:24,551 I'm just moving to another room so you can hear me. 663 00:36:24,680 --> 00:36:26,637 He's not here. He's away on business. 664 00:36:26,760 --> 00:36:29,274 Su, we've been looking everywhere for you. Where have you been? 665 00:36:29,400 --> 00:36:33,519 Where have I been? I have been stuck in a nudist colony, 666 00:36:33,640 --> 00:36:36,553 singing show tunes to saggy 60 year olds, 667 00:36:36,680 --> 00:36:38,637 trying to raise the money to get back here! 668 00:36:38,760 --> 00:36:41,957 Well, look who it is, we meet again. 669 00:36:42,080 --> 00:36:45,038 - I beg your pardon? - You've got some cheek coming in here. 670 00:36:45,160 --> 00:36:48,994 I might sometimes forgive, but by God I never forget. 671 00:36:49,120 --> 00:36:51,919 - Why didn't you just phone us? - I didn't have your number. 672 00:36:52,040 --> 00:36:53,360 Anyway, I wouldn't have needed it 673 00:36:53,480 --> 00:36:56,279 if I'd been taken to the right place from the airport! 674 00:36:56,400 --> 00:36:58,710 Oh, yes, it's just one excuse after another, isn't it? 675 00:36:58,840 --> 00:37:00,592 Mother, keep out of it. 676 00:37:00,720 --> 00:37:03,075 Mel sent Les to collect you from the airport, 677 00:37:03,200 --> 00:37:05,350 but you didn't turn up. Did she? 678 00:37:05,480 --> 00:37:09,110 You? You were at the airport! I even spoke to you! 679 00:37:09,560 --> 00:37:11,790 I had a sign. I kept turning it around. 680 00:37:11,920 --> 00:37:14,560 A sign? What do you mean a sign? It's Su Pollard. 681 00:37:14,680 --> 00:37:16,079 I do a lot of dressmaking at home, 682 00:37:16,200 --> 00:37:18,111 so I don't get a chance to see much telly. 683 00:37:18,240 --> 00:37:20,550 You don't watch much telly! You're taking the piss, aren't you? 684 00:37:20,680 --> 00:37:22,318 It's Su Pollard. Hi-de-Hi! 685 00:37:22,440 --> 00:37:25,273 - Ho-di-Ho! - (LAUGHING) Sorry. 686 00:37:25,400 --> 00:37:27,835 Oh, believe me, if I'd known it was you coming 687 00:37:27,960 --> 00:37:29,758 I'd have met you at the airport myself, 688 00:37:29,880 --> 00:37:32,838 to kick you up the arse and send you packing. 689 00:37:32,960 --> 00:37:34,359 Sorry, have we met? 690 00:37:34,480 --> 00:37:37,791 Let's just calm down. She's here now, so there's no problem. 691 00:37:37,920 --> 00:37:39,035 Have we met? 692 00:37:39,160 --> 00:37:42,278 (EXCLAIMING) That is a good one! 693 00:37:42,480 --> 00:37:43,709 Do you know what she's on about? 694 00:37:43,840 --> 00:37:45,911 Not got a clue, love, but that's nothing new to be honest. 695 00:37:46,040 --> 00:37:48,509 Bradford Alhambra, 1986. 696 00:37:48,640 --> 00:37:52,395 I asked you for your autograph and you completely ignored me! 697 00:37:52,520 --> 00:37:55,672 1986? You've got to be joking! 698 00:37:55,800 --> 00:37:58,758 Oh, don't try and wriggle out of it, I'd know you anywhere! 699 00:37:58,880 --> 00:38:01,349 You might act the clown, but I know what you are. 700 00:38:01,480 --> 00:38:02,993 Pig ignorant! 701 00:38:03,120 --> 00:38:04,394 I beg your pardon? 702 00:38:04,520 --> 00:38:06,557 Well, you can piss off! 703 00:38:06,680 --> 00:38:08,956 You're about as funny as earache. 704 00:38:09,080 --> 00:38:13,119 We wouldn't have you on our show if you were the last act in Benidorm. 705 00:38:13,240 --> 00:38:14,310 Good! 706 00:38:15,840 --> 00:38:19,231 Because after the flipping nightmare you've given me 707 00:38:19,360 --> 00:38:21,715 I'll be getting you Equity blacklisted! 708 00:38:21,840 --> 00:38:24,229 You won't even be able to book a pub singer. 709 00:38:24,360 --> 00:38:26,715 You'll be out of business before the new year! 710 00:38:26,840 --> 00:38:28,956 You can't just leave. Without you, we haven't got a show. 711 00:38:29,080 --> 00:38:31,435 You should have thought of that before Nelly the Elephant 712 00:38:31,560 --> 00:38:35,554 remembered something that didn't happen 25 years ago! 713 00:38:35,680 --> 00:38:39,469 (GROWLS) Get out of my house now! 714 00:38:39,920 --> 00:38:41,194 (CRASHING) 715 00:38:43,480 --> 00:38:45,118 With pleasure! 716 00:38:45,240 --> 00:38:46,514 (EXCLAIMS) 717 00:38:47,880 --> 00:38:50,315 I hope you choke on your mixed veg! 718 00:38:50,920 --> 00:38:52,752 For God's sake, mother, what's come over you? 719 00:38:52,880 --> 00:38:54,837 I knew she wouldn't remember me. 720 00:38:54,960 --> 00:38:56,837 Mother, it was 25 years ago! 721 00:38:56,960 --> 00:38:58,439 Rude, vile pig. 722 00:38:58,840 --> 00:39:00,717 And a bloody menace to society. 723 00:39:00,840 --> 00:39:03,832 - That's a bit over the top, isn't it? - Oh, you think so, do you? 724 00:39:03,960 --> 00:39:07,157 You want to thank God she didn't bring that bloody emu with her as well! 725 00:39:07,280 --> 00:39:08,270 Emu? 726 00:39:08,400 --> 00:39:11,677 I'll never forgive her for what she did to that Michael Parkinson. 727 00:39:11,800 --> 00:39:14,553 He didn't see the funny side of it either. 728 00:39:15,120 --> 00:39:16,554 Mother, that was Rod Hull. 729 00:39:17,280 --> 00:39:18,270 You what? 730 00:39:18,400 --> 00:39:20,118 Oh, dear! 731 00:39:20,240 --> 00:39:23,949 The one with the emu, it was Rod Hull. He's a fella. 732 00:39:24,600 --> 00:39:26,273 - That one with the puppet? - JANICE: Yeah. 733 00:39:26,520 --> 00:39:28,272 Rod Hull and Emu. 734 00:39:31,200 --> 00:39:33,237 Oh, yeah. Of course it was. 735 00:39:34,680 --> 00:39:36,079 So who was that then? 736 00:39:36,200 --> 00:39:38,316 That was the star of our Christmas show. 737 00:39:39,000 --> 00:39:41,389 Mr Harvey isn't going to be very happy. 738 00:39:41,520 --> 00:39:43,750 Where's Mel? I want to speak to him. 739 00:39:43,880 --> 00:39:46,076 He had to go, he'll call later. 740 00:39:46,200 --> 00:39:48,840 What's going on? Is he coming home? 741 00:39:48,960 --> 00:39:50,712 He's gonna call back! 742 00:39:52,560 --> 00:39:55,120 - What's going on? - I'll tell you later. 743 00:39:55,240 --> 00:39:57,390 May we make a suggestion? 744 00:39:57,520 --> 00:40:01,115 We have a friend who has a holiday home in nearby Murcia. 745 00:40:01,240 --> 00:40:04,437 He tends to shy away from publicity when he's not working. 746 00:40:04,560 --> 00:40:07,598 But I could check and see if he's here for Christmas. 747 00:40:07,720 --> 00:40:12,590 We know all about your friends. This is sophisticated cabaret. 748 00:40:12,720 --> 00:40:16,509 We don't want some bollock naked nutter singing Ding Dong Merrily on High. 749 00:40:16,640 --> 00:40:18,119 Oh, no, he's very good. 750 00:40:18,240 --> 00:40:20,629 He's even been on Top of the Pops. 751 00:40:22,080 --> 00:40:23,275 Top of the Pops, you say? 752 00:40:23,400 --> 00:40:24,754 Oh, yes! 753 00:40:30,880 --> 00:40:37,752 # Everybody loves somebody sometime 754 00:40:38,360 --> 00:40:44,072 # Everybody falls in love somehow 755 00:40:44,200 --> 00:40:49,832 # Something in your kiss just told me 756 00:40:49,960 --> 00:40:54,511 # My sometime is now... # 757 00:40:54,640 --> 00:40:57,473 Why didn't he just tell her he'd been taken into hospital there? 758 00:40:57,600 --> 00:40:59,238 At least she'd know where he was. 759 00:40:59,360 --> 00:41:02,557 He didn't want to panic her and he still doesn't. 760 00:41:03,600 --> 00:41:05,352 How long has he been there? 761 00:41:06,120 --> 00:41:08,396 - Three days. - Oh, my God! 762 00:41:08,520 --> 00:41:11,831 Look, Mel says it's not as bad as the doctors are making out. 763 00:41:11,960 --> 00:41:13,917 Reckons he's gonna be home this time tomorrow. 764 00:41:14,040 --> 00:41:15,474 And what if he's not? 765 00:41:18,040 --> 00:41:19,792 Then we'll go to him. 766 00:41:23,680 --> 00:41:24,829 Mother? 767 00:41:25,920 --> 00:41:27,797 How do you think the show is going? 768 00:41:27,920 --> 00:41:29,558 It's brilliant! 769 00:41:29,680 --> 00:41:31,557 - Just relax. - Relax? 770 00:41:32,200 --> 00:41:34,032 How can I relax? 771 00:41:34,160 --> 00:41:35,878 Mel should be here. 772 00:41:36,000 --> 00:41:40,597 Oh, I tell you, if I find out he's been able to get a flight back all this time 773 00:41:40,720 --> 00:41:42,791 and he's just been out there gallivanting, 774 00:41:42,920 --> 00:41:44,319 I'll swing for him. 775 00:41:44,440 --> 00:41:46,795 Don't be daft. Why would he do that? 776 00:41:47,160 --> 00:41:49,913 Your Scottish clown never brought his mate, 777 00:41:50,040 --> 00:41:52,156 so that's the end of the show ruined. 778 00:41:52,280 --> 00:41:54,157 Some bloody Christmas this is. 779 00:41:55,640 --> 00:41:57,039 Enjoying the show, son? 780 00:41:57,160 --> 00:41:58,480 Yeah, it's good. 781 00:41:58,600 --> 00:42:00,989 Gents are spotless, Mrs H. 782 00:42:01,120 --> 00:42:03,475 Hey, you could eat your dinner off that floor. 783 00:42:03,600 --> 00:42:05,238 Eh, we were just... 784 00:42:08,840 --> 00:42:10,274 Just saying... 785 00:42:11,720 --> 00:42:13,199 Brilliant show! 786 00:42:13,320 --> 00:42:14,993 It's not very Christmassy. 787 00:42:15,120 --> 00:42:16,190 Ah, well, you see, 788 00:42:16,320 --> 00:42:19,836 Su Pollard was going to do a whole Christmas medley at the end. 789 00:42:19,960 --> 00:42:22,759 - I'll grab the mic and do a few numbers? - No, you're all right. 790 00:42:22,880 --> 00:42:25,679 We need someone to stop the show, not just slow it down a bit. 791 00:42:25,800 --> 00:42:28,599 Just spoke to our friend, he's on his way. 792 00:42:29,120 --> 00:42:32,238 Oh, aye, my husband said that three days ago. 793 00:42:32,360 --> 00:42:34,829 If you want someone to fill in till he gets here, 794 00:42:34,960 --> 00:42:37,031 I do the odd impression. 795 00:42:39,240 --> 00:42:41,311 No, I don't think Hitler's right for this type of crowd. 796 00:42:41,440 --> 00:42:44,319 - It's too many memories. - Freddie Starr used to get away with it. 797 00:42:44,440 --> 00:42:47,796 Oliver Hardy. Jacqueline and I used to do 798 00:42:47,920 --> 00:42:51,072 on the Trail of the Lonesome Pine at parties. 799 00:42:51,200 --> 00:42:52,520 (CHUCKLING) 800 00:42:53,240 --> 00:42:56,073 If you could find a pair of bowler hats. 801 00:42:56,200 --> 00:42:58,714 Yeah, I think I've got a couple in me car. 802 00:42:58,840 --> 00:43:00,069 Dickhead! 803 00:43:02,200 --> 00:43:03,759 (ALL APPLAUDING) 804 00:43:12,440 --> 00:43:13,714 Thank you. 805 00:43:15,400 --> 00:43:16,549 Noreen... 806 00:43:17,880 --> 00:43:20,349 I have a rather large confession to make. 807 00:43:20,880 --> 00:43:22,075 Oh yes? 808 00:43:23,160 --> 00:43:25,310 I'm not sure how to say this, 809 00:43:26,240 --> 00:43:29,710 but I wasn't a friend of your late husband. 810 00:43:30,960 --> 00:43:35,079 Well, you'll pardon me if I don't fall off me chair in amazement. 811 00:43:35,200 --> 00:43:38,158 I realise it will come as a bit of a shock... You what? 812 00:43:39,000 --> 00:43:42,311 Of course I know you didn't know me husband. 813 00:43:42,440 --> 00:43:45,193 You didn't even get his name right. 814 00:43:46,160 --> 00:43:50,996 The thing is Clive, I've had a lot of male attention since my lottery win. 815 00:43:52,440 --> 00:43:55,637 But, really, I'm as guilty as you. 816 00:43:57,280 --> 00:44:00,193 You see, what I didn't tell people was... 817 00:44:01,560 --> 00:44:05,679 well, it were only £4,000. 818 00:44:06,600 --> 00:44:09,274 I haven't really got any money at all. 819 00:44:09,400 --> 00:44:11,311 What are you talking about? 820 00:44:11,440 --> 00:44:13,397 I'm not after your money. 821 00:44:15,480 --> 00:44:16,675 It's me. 822 00:44:17,960 --> 00:44:19,997 The funny little bloke with the bow tie? 823 00:44:20,560 --> 00:44:22,312 Rivington Dance Hall? 824 00:44:22,440 --> 00:44:23,794 You what? 825 00:44:24,240 --> 00:44:27,232 I don't want your money. I want you. 826 00:44:28,440 --> 00:44:32,559 Noreen, I waited 50 years to say this again. 827 00:44:33,800 --> 00:44:38,033 I think you are the most beautiful woman I have ever clapped eyes on. 828 00:44:40,440 --> 00:44:41,669 Marry me? 829 00:44:54,840 --> 00:44:55,830 (EXCLAIMS) 830 00:44:57,160 --> 00:44:58,753 - Oh! - (ALL APPLAUDING) 831 00:44:59,800 --> 00:45:02,440 Rubbish! Try it again! Try it again! 832 00:45:17,040 --> 00:45:19,031 Mother, that was amazing! 833 00:45:19,160 --> 00:45:21,117 I didn't feel a thing! 834 00:45:21,960 --> 00:45:24,156 ANNOUNCED; And now, ladies and gentlemen, 835 00:45:24,280 --> 00:45:26,476 senors and senoritas, 836 00:45:26,600 --> 00:45:29,831 Mel Harvey's Benidorm Palace is proud to present 837 00:45:29,960 --> 00:45:32,474 the star of our show! 838 00:45:36,240 --> 00:45:37,275 MADGE: Brilliant. 839 00:45:39,240 --> 00:45:40,594 We're finished. 840 00:45:40,720 --> 00:45:42,552 Looks like we're going to need them bowler hats after all. 841 00:45:42,680 --> 00:45:44,000 Oh, sod the bowler hats. 842 00:45:44,720 --> 00:45:47,314 This is supposed to be a Christmas show! 843 00:45:47,440 --> 00:45:49,158 (BAND MUSIC PLAYING) 844 00:45:52,040 --> 00:45:53,360 (AUDIENCE CHEERING) 845 00:45:54,560 --> 00:45:56,995 Oh, my God! Look who it is! 846 00:45:58,760 --> 00:46:00,353 It's Catweazle! 847 00:46:01,960 --> 00:46:03,359 It's Gandalf! 848 00:46:04,760 --> 00:46:06,194 It's Roy Wood! 849 00:46:07,720 --> 00:46:08,949 Roy Wood! 850 00:46:10,560 --> 00:46:13,791 # If you jump into your bed 851 00:46:13,920 --> 00:46:17,197 # Quickly cover up your head 852 00:46:17,320 --> 00:46:18,754 # Don't you lock the doors 853 00:46:18,880 --> 00:46:23,317 # You know that sweet Santa Claus is on the way 854 00:46:23,440 --> 00:46:28,992 # Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day 855 00:46:30,120 --> 00:46:31,110 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 856 00:46:31,240 --> 00:46:34,039 # When the kids start singing and the band begins to play 857 00:46:34,160 --> 00:46:35,275 Hello? 858 00:46:36,080 --> 00:46:37,150 Yeah? 859 00:46:38,280 --> 00:46:42,035 Yeah, what did you say again? I just... Yeah, speak up a bit louder. 860 00:46:43,880 --> 00:46:46,474 Yeah, I'm his son-in-law, Mick Garvey. 861 00:46:48,200 --> 00:46:49,838 Yeah, Mick Garvey. 862 00:46:54,680 --> 00:46:55,954 Oh, Jesus. 863 00:46:58,800 --> 00:46:59,870 Yeah. 864 00:47:02,160 --> 00:47:03,230 Yeah. 865 00:47:06,320 --> 00:47:07,515 Uh, yes. 866 00:47:08,200 --> 00:47:10,111 Yeah, I'm with her now. 867 00:47:10,240 --> 00:47:12,959 Yeah, I can't really speak at the moment. 868 00:47:16,760 --> 00:47:19,320 All right. What do you want us to do? 869 00:47:21,480 --> 00:47:22,550 OK! 870 00:47:26,800 --> 00:47:27,870 Yeah. 871 00:47:30,320 --> 00:47:31,879 Okay. Thank you. 872 00:47:33,160 --> 00:47:39,156 # I wish it could be Christmas every day 873 00:47:39,280 --> 00:47:44,832 # Let the bells ring out for Christmas 874 00:47:46,480 --> 00:47:51,554 # I wish it could be Christmas every day 875 00:47:51,680 --> 00:47:52,795 (INAUDIBLE) 876 00:47:52,920 --> 00:47:57,994 # When the kids start singing and the band begins to play 877 00:47:58,120 --> 00:47:59,679 (SCATTING) 878 00:47:59,800 --> 00:48:05,830 # I wish it could be Christmas every day 879 00:48:05,960 --> 00:48:11,558 # Let the bells ring out for Christmas 880 00:48:13,560 --> 00:48:15,710 Okay, you lot, take it! 881 00:48:15,840 --> 00:48:21,472 # Well, I wish it could be Christmas every day 882 00:48:21,600 --> 00:48:22,670 # Christmas time 883 00:48:22,800 --> 00:48:27,920 # Oh, when the kids start singing and the band begins to play 884 00:48:29,680 --> 00:48:34,709 # I wish it could be Christmas every day 885 00:48:35,720 --> 00:48:41,591 # Let the bells ring out for Christmas 886 00:48:43,080 --> 00:48:49,952 # Why don't you give your love 887 00:48:50,080 --> 00:48:55,951 # for Christmas? # 888 00:48:57,480 --> 00:48:58,834 (VOCALISING) 889 00:48:58,960 --> 00:49:00,519 (ALL APPLAUDING) 890 00:49:17,760 --> 00:49:18,955 Oh, Mel. 891 00:49:27,640 --> 00:49:28,755 (CRYING) 892 00:49:28,880 --> 00:49:30,678 Go on, Michael, get a present. 893 00:49:30,800 --> 00:49:32,393 I don't want one. 894 00:49:39,320 --> 00:49:42,153 Granddad said it would snow on Christmas Day. 895 00:49:43,000 --> 00:49:44,479 Come here, son. 896 00:49:45,640 --> 00:49:48,109 (SOMEWHERE OVER THE RAINBOW PLAYING) 897 00:50:00,800 --> 00:50:01,790 Oh! 898 00:50:05,720 --> 00:50:07,757 You have got to be kidding.