1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
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2
00:00:35,527 --> 00:00:36,642
No.

3
00:00:40,047 --> 00:00:41,036
No.

4
00:00:45,727 --> 00:00:47,046
No.
-Oh, for crying out loud.

5
00:00:47,127 --> 00:00:49,766
Michael, go back to the desk
and ask them which car it is.

6
00:00:49,847 --> 00:00:51,360
He doesn't have to go back.

7
00:00:51,447 --> 00:00:53,403
One of these numbers is
definitely a six.

8
00:00:53,487 --> 00:00:55,364
All the number plates
have got a six in them!

9
00:00:55,487 --> 00:00:56,761
No, they haven't.

10
00:01:03,087 --> 00:01:06,045
Do you think that little light should
be coming on when I press it?

11
00:01:06,127 --> 00:01:09,676
Oh, come on! We're wasting time,
we've been here too long!

12
00:01:09,767 --> 00:01:13,123
Hey, hey, calm down, you, where
do you think you are, The Crystal Maze?

13
00:01:13,207 --> 00:01:15,163
Push that trolley for your mother,
she's getting a sweat on.

14
00:01:15,247 --> 00:01:18,125
You push the trolley!
-I'm doing this.

15
00:01:18,207 --> 00:01:20,926
Just give me the key and I'll go back.
-Give him the key!

16
00:01:21,007 --> 00:01:22,679
There's no point giving him the key

17
00:01:22,767 --> 00:01:23,916
'cause you can't read
all of the numbers on it.

18
00:01:24,007 --> 00:01:27,158
I know you can't read all the numbers
but they might know which one it is!

19
00:01:28,367 --> 00:01:29,846
No.
-And while he's there

20
00:01:29,927 --> 00:01:32,157
he can pick up the contract
that you left on the desk.

21
00:01:32,367 --> 00:01:34,927
I never left it on the desk, she didn't
give it me in the first place.

22
00:01:35,007 --> 00:01:37,396
She did give it to you
and you put it on the desk.

23
00:01:37,487 --> 00:01:40,126
Well, if you saw me put it on the desk
why didn't you pick it up?

24
00:01:40,207 --> 00:01:41,686
Just give him the key!

25
00:01:44,127 --> 00:01:46,277
We weren't even in the right bloody row!

26
00:01:46,367 --> 00:01:49,404
Hey, chill out, we're on holiday!

27
00:02:21,447 --> 00:02:22,846
What's he doing?

28
00:02:31,967 --> 00:02:33,639
Choking, mainly.

29
00:02:39,567 --> 00:02:40,966
It's a bit like watching
one of them rats

30
00:02:41,047 --> 00:02:43,515
that can't get out of a maze
but keeps trying.

31
00:02:45,127 --> 00:02:48,961
That's not a very nice thing to say.
Rats are intelligent.

32
00:02:50,447 --> 00:02:53,120
It's a bit like
that film isn't it?

33
00:02:53,207 --> 00:02:55,038
What? When Harry Met Sally?

34
00:02:55,127 --> 00:02:56,480
No, Forrest Gump.

35
00:02:57,407 --> 00:02:58,556
Sorry!

36
00:02:59,207 --> 00:03:02,597
Excuse me, could I have my ball back?

37
00:03:04,647 --> 00:03:06,603
Can you pass me my ball, please?

38
00:03:07,167 --> 00:03:08,725
We ain't got your ball.

39
00:03:08,807 --> 00:03:11,116
I wasn't really talking to you.

40
00:03:11,207 --> 00:03:12,322
You what?

41
00:03:12,407 --> 00:03:15,126
Excuse me, excuse me.

42
00:03:15,207 --> 00:03:17,675
Nat, Forrest wants a word.

43
00:03:18,047 --> 00:03:21,517
Hiya. I was wondering if you could
pass me my ball, please?

44
00:03:21,887 --> 00:03:23,605
I can't hear you.

45
00:03:23,687 --> 00:03:25,086
I'll get out!

46
00:03:25,167 --> 00:03:26,156
Huh?

47
00:03:28,527 --> 00:03:30,358
Run, Forrest, run!

48
00:03:46,167 --> 00:03:47,202
Hiya.

49
00:03:47,287 --> 00:03:49,198
Oh, I couldn't hear
what you were saying.

50
00:03:49,527 --> 00:03:51,995
I was just wondering if you could
pass me my beach ball.

51
00:03:52,727 --> 00:03:53,716
Oh, I see.

52
00:03:53,807 --> 00:03:55,604
But it's all right. I've got it now.

53
00:03:56,247 --> 00:03:58,283
Have you?
-Yeah, it's here.

54
00:03:59,127 --> 00:04:00,242
Oh, yeah?

55
00:04:00,327 --> 00:04:01,316
I'm Liam.

56
00:04:01,687 --> 00:04:03,598
Hello, Liam. I'm Natalie.

57
00:04:04,247 --> 00:04:05,760
Oh, that's a beautiful name.

58
00:04:08,167 --> 00:04:09,156
This is Sam.

59
00:04:09,247 --> 00:04:11,238
Ah, we used to have a dog called Sam.

60
00:04:11,687 --> 00:04:13,962
Me mum got rid of it
'cause it used to chew its bum.

61
00:04:15,607 --> 00:04:17,643
You here on your own, Liam?

62
00:04:17,727 --> 00:04:20,958
No. Be a bit sad if I was here
on me own. I'm with me dad.

63
00:04:21,607 --> 00:04:23,040
Oh, you do surprise me.

64
00:04:23,127 --> 00:04:26,039
He's over here working.
Got me a cheap holiday.

65
00:04:26,127 --> 00:04:28,197
Thought I'd catch a few rays,

66
00:04:28,287 --> 00:04:31,484
get a nice tan to show off to
the lads back home.

67
00:04:31,567 --> 00:04:35,526
I did ask if some of them wanted to come
but they all seemed a bit busy.

68
00:04:35,887 --> 00:04:37,286
Mmm. Funny that, isn't it?

69
00:04:37,367 --> 00:04:40,086
Well, I say all of them,
my cousin Kendal wanted to come

70
00:04:40,167 --> 00:04:42,840
but he's a bit skint at the moment
'cause he's paying off a moped

71
00:04:42,927 --> 00:04:44,883
what he bought on
the internet by mistake.

72
00:04:44,967 --> 00:04:48,004
Plus, he's been having
a lot of asthma attacks recently.

73
00:04:48,087 --> 00:04:49,440
Liam, Liam, Liam.

74
00:04:50,527 --> 00:04:51,516
Shh.

75
00:04:52,207 --> 00:04:53,640
Well, I'll see youse around.

76
00:04:54,087 --> 00:04:55,759
Yeah, look after your ball.

77
00:04:57,207 --> 00:04:58,526
See ya.

78
00:05:03,527 --> 00:05:06,678
What? He's cute in a...

79
00:05:07,887 --> 00:05:09,684
funny sort of way.

80
00:05:09,767 --> 00:05:11,359
Lord have mercy.

81
00:05:19,967 --> 00:05:22,845
Mmm. That's the trouble with buffets,
they're very moreish, aren't they?

82
00:05:22,927 --> 00:05:24,565
This is an absolute outrage.

83
00:05:24,647 --> 00:05:28,276
Oh, there must be something you can eat.
Have a slice of toast, no butter

84
00:05:28,367 --> 00:05:30,835
I can't have toast, it's a carbohydrate.

85
00:05:30,967 --> 00:05:32,400
You had toast at work the other morning.

86
00:05:32,487 --> 00:05:34,398
Yes, hello? That was wholemeal bread.

87
00:05:34,647 --> 00:05:36,717
It's till carbohydrate, isn't it?

88
00:05:37,447 --> 00:05:39,358
''Low fat options for all meals

89
00:05:39,447 --> 00:05:41,199
''plus fresh fruit available
throughout the day.''

90
00:05:41,287 --> 00:05:42,515
Look, it's there in black and white.

91
00:05:42,807 --> 00:05:46,766
Do you know? You can buy a pack
of eight sausages now for 1 6 pence.

92
00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:48,439
That's 2p each.

93
00:05:48,527 --> 00:05:50,279
Makes you wonder
what's in them, don't it?

94
00:05:51,607 --> 00:05:55,600
Excuse me,
you don't seem to have any brown bread.

95
00:05:55,687 --> 00:05:57,484
Yeah, I know.
-Well, why not?

96
00:05:57,567 --> 00:05:58,556
'Cause nobody eats it.

97
00:05:58,647 --> 00:06:00,160
Well, how can they eat it
if you don't have any?

98
00:06:00,247 --> 00:06:02,044
I can't argue with that.

99
00:06:02,127 --> 00:06:03,765
Excuse me, excuse me.

100
00:06:04,807 --> 00:06:06,763
Yeah?
-Where is the fruit?

101
00:06:06,847 --> 00:06:07,836
Fruit?

102
00:06:07,927 --> 00:06:10,760
Yes. Eccentric, colourful food.
It grows on trees.

103
00:06:11,207 --> 00:06:13,118
We don't give you pudding at breakfast.

104
00:06:13,207 --> 00:06:16,040
I'm not being funny
but if there's not enough on that table

105
00:06:16,127 --> 00:06:18,561
to feed you in the morning,
you must have worms.

106
00:06:18,727 --> 00:06:20,718
It says fresh fruit at all times!

107
00:06:21,647 --> 00:06:23,524
There you go, got you a yoghurt.

108
00:06:25,807 --> 00:06:27,604
''Toffee and banana.''

109
00:06:27,727 --> 00:06:29,877
Perfect, just eat the banana bit.

110
00:07:10,487 --> 00:07:14,605
Hello, Inland Revenue. Hello?

111
00:07:14,767 --> 00:07:16,439
She'll be outside.

112
00:07:28,327 --> 00:07:30,079
Look at this!

113
00:07:30,167 --> 00:07:31,885
Whoa! This is cool!

114
00:07:31,967 --> 00:07:34,925
Bloody hell! This has cost a bob or two.

115
00:07:35,007 --> 00:07:36,759
Right, I'm going in the pool.
You coming in, Dad?

116
00:07:36,847 --> 00:07:38,963
Yeah, in a minute.

117
00:07:39,047 --> 00:07:42,801
Hey, look at that!
What's me mam doing with a gold disc?

118
00:07:42,887 --> 00:07:45,196
Maybe it was one of Mel's?

119
00:07:45,287 --> 00:07:48,085
Well it won't be for his rendition of
Lonely Girl, I can tell you that.

120
00:07:48,167 --> 00:07:49,566
Oh, no, it's...

121
00:07:49,647 --> 00:07:51,160
Can I help you?

122
00:07:53,567 --> 00:07:56,161
I said, can I help you?

123
00:07:58,087 --> 00:07:59,281
You're Cilla Black.

124
00:07:59,687 --> 00:08:02,076
I know. How did you get in?

125
00:08:02,767 --> 00:08:04,598
It's Cilla Black.

126
00:08:04,727 --> 00:08:05,762
I know.

127
00:08:07,207 --> 00:08:08,765
Consuela!

128
00:08:24,767 --> 00:08:26,598
Consuela!

129
00:08:27,767 --> 00:08:29,962
Um... Where's Madge?

130
00:08:30,047 --> 00:08:32,481
Who's Madge?
-Madge Harvey.

131
00:08:33,047 --> 00:08:35,163
It's Cilla Black.

132
00:08:37,247 --> 00:08:38,965
Who let these people in?

133
00:08:48,527 --> 00:08:51,724
Oh, I know what it is!
Surprise, Surprise.

134
00:08:51,807 --> 00:08:54,002
Oh, bloody hell! Of course!

135
00:08:54,127 --> 00:08:56,197
♪ Surprise, surprise

136
00:08:56,287 --> 00:08:59,962
♪ The unexpected slaps you
between the thighs ♪

137
00:09:00,047 --> 00:09:02,720
You've done her house up for
Surprise, Surprise, haven't you?

138
00:09:02,807 --> 00:09:04,604
Oh, you've done a lovely job.

139
00:09:04,687 --> 00:09:07,565
Hey, let's hope your mother hasn't got
any long lost relatives in Australia,

140
00:09:07,647 --> 00:09:10,207
we'll never get a look-in, in that pool.

141
00:09:10,287 --> 00:09:12,118
You coming in, Dad? It's beautiful.

142
00:09:14,847 --> 00:09:15,916
Hiya.

143
00:09:16,007 --> 00:09:21,365
Look, if all you people have not left
my house within the next 30 seconds,

144
00:09:21,447 --> 00:09:25,042
I'm going to call the police. Consuela!

145
00:09:25,167 --> 00:09:26,156
Your house?

146
00:09:26,367 --> 00:09:30,042
Oh, my God, she's moved
and forgot to tell us.

147
00:09:30,527 --> 00:09:31,846
Is everything okay?

148
00:09:32,567 --> 00:09:36,560
Mick! Janice!
-What are you doing here?

149
00:09:36,767 --> 00:09:38,883
Do you know these people, Donald?

150
00:09:38,967 --> 00:09:41,879
Yes, Janice's mother and her husband,
Mel and Madge Harvey,

151
00:09:41,967 --> 00:09:44,481
were the previous owners of this house.

152
00:09:44,567 --> 00:09:48,037
We called by on Madge, too,
to see how she was coping on her own

153
00:09:48,127 --> 00:09:51,324
but we met Cilla and ended up, um,

154
00:09:51,407 --> 00:09:53,443
staying for a cocktail.

155
00:09:54,047 --> 00:09:55,719
Are you coming back?

156
00:09:55,807 --> 00:09:59,004
I can't hold this position much longer.

157
00:10:03,607 --> 00:10:04,926
We'd best be off.

158
00:10:05,687 --> 00:10:07,598
Michael, get out that pool.

159
00:10:07,847 --> 00:10:12,523
We're really sorry to have bothered you.
- Come on.

160
00:10:15,127 --> 00:10:16,799
It's not your nana's house.

161
00:10:22,447 --> 00:10:25,439
Oh, sorry, Jacqueline.
Here, let me help you with that.

162
00:10:26,087 --> 00:10:30,558
Yes, that fits nicely. Very kind of you.

163
00:10:30,687 --> 00:10:31,915
Well, you're very welcome.

164
00:10:32,007 --> 00:10:36,239
All that stuff was in the wardrobe
back there when I got here,

165
00:10:36,327 --> 00:10:38,522
so, help yourself.
-Oh, lovely!

166
00:10:39,727 --> 00:10:43,606
Look, I'm just about to go
for a jacuzzi outside.

167
00:10:44,127 --> 00:10:45,845
Now, I don't know what your plans are,

168
00:10:46,207 --> 00:10:48,004
but you're very welcome to join me.

169
00:10:48,087 --> 00:10:51,636
I'm afraid we haven't got
anything appropriate to wear.

170
00:10:51,727 --> 00:10:55,606
Oh, not a problem, I don't
usually bother with a swimsuit meself.

171
00:10:56,607 --> 00:11:00,759
And you both seem very... broad-minded.

172
00:11:00,847 --> 00:11:02,326
Absolutely!

173
00:11:02,927 --> 00:11:05,282
Oh, yes!

174
00:11:05,447 --> 00:11:06,766
Consuela!

175
00:11:18,607 --> 00:11:20,757
Where do you think she's gone?
-I don't know.

176
00:11:21,087 --> 00:11:24,238
I think there's maybe just been
a bit of a mix-up, hasn't there?

177
00:11:24,327 --> 00:11:26,887
Well, if me nana's moved out of
her house,

178
00:11:27,247 --> 00:11:28,999
she's not answering her mobile,

179
00:11:29,127 --> 00:11:32,597
and she's not here,
that's quite a big mix-up, isn't it?

180
00:11:33,047 --> 00:11:34,605
Yeah. I suppose it is.

181
00:11:45,247 --> 00:11:46,600
Well?

182
00:11:47,847 --> 00:11:49,963
Madge sold the Benidorm Palace
three months ago.

183
00:11:50,167 --> 00:11:52,727
Three months ago?
She can't have done, she'd have told us.

184
00:11:53,847 --> 00:11:55,997
This is a right mix-up.

185
00:11:57,047 --> 00:11:59,242
Well, where do we go from here?

186
00:12:04,407 --> 00:12:07,399
Come on, you can do us a better rate
than that, we've stayed here before.

187
00:12:07,607 --> 00:12:10,883
We're regulars.
-Oh, for God's sake, just pay it.

188
00:12:11,327 --> 00:12:13,795
I need a shower right now,
I smell like meat and potato pie.

189
00:12:13,887 --> 00:12:16,401
Well, where the flaming hell
has she gone? She can't just disappear.

190
00:12:16,847 --> 00:12:17,962
Thank you.

191
00:12:18,167 --> 00:12:20,442
I don't suppose you remember
me mother, do you?

192
00:12:20,527 --> 00:12:22,597
We've been here
a few times all together.

193
00:12:23,007 --> 00:12:23,996
No.

194
00:12:24,087 --> 00:12:26,999
Little woman, very tanned, about 70,
chain-smoker.

195
00:12:27,087 --> 00:12:28,964
Rides one of them mobility scooters.

196
00:12:29,207 --> 00:12:32,005
You have just described 90%
of the people in Benidorm.

197
00:12:32,127 --> 00:12:34,083
Her and me granddad bought
the Benidorm Palace.

198
00:12:34,447 --> 00:12:37,803
Ah, Señora Harvey,
the wedding on the beach?

199
00:12:37,887 --> 00:12:39,764
Yeah, that's the one. Harvey, yeah.

200
00:12:39,847 --> 00:12:41,200
You don't know what happened to her,
do you?

201
00:12:41,287 --> 00:12:43,005
Of course.
-Oh, thank God for that.

202
00:12:43,087 --> 00:12:44,520
They bought the Benidorm Palace.

203
00:12:45,887 --> 00:12:47,081
We know that.

204
00:12:47,247 --> 00:12:51,035
Very sad about Señor Harvey.
You know, he die.

205
00:12:51,927 --> 00:12:53,838
Yeah, we know that as well.

206
00:12:53,927 --> 00:12:56,600
Apparently, me mother sold the
Benidorm Palace a few months ago.

207
00:12:56,687 --> 00:12:57,961
Do you know where she is now?

208
00:12:59,047 --> 00:13:03,006
Eh... Um...

209
00:13:03,087 --> 00:13:04,725
No.

210
00:13:05,847 --> 00:13:08,805
Janey, do you know what happened
to the little lady in the wheelchair?

211
00:13:08,887 --> 00:13:10,878
She and her husband,
they bought the Palace.

212
00:13:10,967 --> 00:13:12,923
Oh, yeah, she sold it a few months ago.

213
00:13:13,247 --> 00:13:14,646
Yes, they know that.

214
00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:16,319
Her husband passed away.

215
00:13:16,407 --> 00:13:17,726
Yeah, we know all this!

216
00:13:17,807 --> 00:13:20,275
We just want to try and find out
if you know where she is now?

217
00:13:21,287 --> 00:13:24,882
Erm... No.

218
00:13:25,007 --> 00:13:27,680
Oh! Right, come on, let's freshen up.

219
00:13:28,967 --> 00:13:32,039
Oh, hang on, have you
tried the El Cisne?

220
00:13:32,127 --> 00:13:33,162
The what?

221
00:13:33,247 --> 00:13:36,444
Second-hand market, she had
a stall there a couple of weeks ago.

222
00:13:36,527 --> 00:13:37,755
You could always try there

223
00:13:48,807 --> 00:13:51,640
Oh, I think I've had too much breakfast.
I can't move.

224
00:13:52,607 --> 00:13:55,519
I think it was
that fried bread that did it.

225
00:13:57,167 --> 00:14:01,126
Isn't it funny? You feel like a bit of
a pig when you make fried bread at home.

226
00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:02,879
But on holiday you just
shovel it in, don't you?

227
00:14:02,967 --> 00:14:04,320
Yes, you did.

228
00:14:04,407 --> 00:14:05,886
Mind you, I say I'm full,

229
00:14:05,967 --> 00:14:09,277
but I could always eat something sweet,
you know, after a big meal.

230
00:14:09,367 --> 00:14:11,642
Oh, yeah. Seriously.

231
00:14:11,727 --> 00:14:13,080
I could be fit to bust,

232
00:14:13,167 --> 00:14:15,237
doesn't matter if I can feel
the food sitting in me neck,

233
00:14:15,487 --> 00:14:16,476
if someone says to me,

234
00:14:16,567 --> 00:14:18,558
''Do you want to go halves on
a pineapple fritter?'' I'm there.

235
00:14:24,527 --> 00:14:26,324
Is that Troy?
-Yes.

236
00:14:27,127 --> 00:14:28,116
Aw...

237
00:14:29,447 --> 00:14:31,438
Isn't it funny how
history repeats itself.

238
00:14:32,207 --> 00:14:35,040
He finds out his son wants
to get in touch with him,

239
00:14:35,127 --> 00:14:37,561
then Troy's dad gets in touch with him.

240
00:14:38,047 --> 00:14:39,196
Ooh!

241
00:14:39,287 --> 00:14:42,006
Talking of things repeating,
I'm regretting that third sausage.

242
00:14:45,847 --> 00:14:47,041
Everything all right?

243
00:14:47,127 --> 00:14:49,516
Yes, apparently his
condition is stable now.

244
00:14:50,167 --> 00:14:52,522
Troy says he's going to stay
a couple of more days

245
00:14:52,607 --> 00:14:55,326
and if he's improved further
he'll get a flight here.

246
00:14:55,407 --> 00:14:57,716
Well, just let me know
when you want to get rid of me.

247
00:14:57,807 --> 00:15:01,163
Nothing worse than someone
outstaying their welcome.

248
00:15:03,367 --> 00:15:05,244
Ooh, ooh.

249
00:15:07,127 --> 00:15:08,879
Ooh, that's better.

250
00:15:10,167 --> 00:15:12,362
Fancy a lolly?

251
00:15:13,647 --> 00:15:14,636
No?

252
00:15:33,847 --> 00:15:35,678
Oh, come on, let's go, she's not here.

253
00:15:35,767 --> 00:15:37,166
Why would she have a stall here?

254
00:15:37,247 --> 00:15:39,636
Why didn't she tell us about
the Benidorm Palace?

255
00:15:39,727 --> 00:15:42,525
Mick, something's happened to her,
I know it has.

256
00:15:42,607 --> 00:15:46,395
Hey, come on, don't upset yourself.
You know what your mother's like.

257
00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:50,196
It's my fault, I shouldn't have let her
stay out here on her own after Mel died.

258
00:15:50,527 --> 00:15:52,961
Mum! Dad! Come and look at this!

259
00:16:00,047 --> 00:16:01,162
Oh, my God.

260
00:16:01,247 --> 00:16:03,886
Different number.
-Why would she sell this?

261
00:16:06,167 --> 00:16:08,442
It's ringing.
-Give us it here.

262
00:16:39,327 --> 00:16:42,364
I've told you, I'll have the money by
the end of the month.

263
00:16:43,447 --> 00:16:45,915
What money? Mother, are you all right?

264
00:16:46,967 --> 00:16:47,956
Who is this?

265
00:16:48,047 --> 00:16:50,197
Who do you think it is? It's Janice.

266
00:16:50,287 --> 00:16:53,643
What's going on? Why didn't you
tell us you had another phone?

267
00:16:54,007 --> 00:16:54,996
Where are you?

268
00:16:55,527 --> 00:16:58,963
Oh, uh, just at the villa, you know...

269
00:16:59,447 --> 00:17:01,039
Day off today.

270
00:17:01,127 --> 00:17:03,038
Palace is very quiet.

271
00:17:03,127 --> 00:17:05,277
Just having a soak in the Jacuzzi.

272
00:17:05,367 --> 00:17:07,164
Mam, we're in Spain.

273
00:17:08,087 --> 00:17:09,156
Whereabouts in Spain?

274
00:17:09,527 --> 00:17:11,802
Where do you think we are?
We're in Benidorm!

275
00:17:12,367 --> 00:17:13,641
You're in Benidorm?

276
00:17:14,407 --> 00:17:15,965
What? Now?

277
00:17:16,327 --> 00:17:19,842
It was meant to be a surprise
but obviously it hasn't worked out.

278
00:17:20,087 --> 00:17:22,840
We've been to the villa.
We know you've moved.

279
00:17:23,127 --> 00:17:26,164
We've been to the Benidorm Palace,
we know you've sold it.

280
00:17:26,247 --> 00:17:27,885
Mother, are you all right?

281
00:17:27,967 --> 00:17:29,480
Where are you?

282
00:17:31,287 --> 00:17:33,517
We've hired a car,
just tell us where you are.

283
00:17:33,607 --> 00:17:34,596
No!

284
00:17:34,927 --> 00:17:38,078
No, don't come here.
Go back to the Solana.

285
00:17:38,167 --> 00:17:39,646
I'll see you there in half an hour.

286
00:17:43,687 --> 00:17:45,040
What did she say?

287
00:17:45,127 --> 00:17:47,402
She's meeting us at the Solana
in half an hour.

288
00:17:48,767 --> 00:17:50,917
Excuse me, love,
how much is the scooter?

289
00:17:51,007 --> 00:17:52,360
It's not for sale.

290
00:17:54,087 --> 00:17:57,397
So, if me nana is all right,

291
00:17:57,487 --> 00:17:59,318
does that mean you don't get
the insurance money?

292
00:18:04,767 --> 00:18:05,802
It was a joke!

293
00:18:10,607 --> 00:18:12,006
There you go, love.

294
00:18:12,087 --> 00:18:14,555
Right, Mateo, I'll be back in1 0 minutes.

295
00:18:15,207 --> 00:18:17,243
Where are you going?
We are too busy for one person.

296
00:18:17,327 --> 00:18:19,841
Funny you should say that.
That's where I'm going, to get Les.

297
00:18:19,967 --> 00:18:21,400
Who is Les?
-New barman.

298
00:18:22,007 --> 00:18:27,127
No, you did not give the job to
the little old guy with no hair, please.

299
00:18:27,207 --> 00:18:28,925
We said the best one was the young girl.

300
00:18:29,007 --> 00:18:31,601
No, I think you'll find it was you
who said that.

301
00:18:31,967 --> 00:18:35,880
I know it seems strange, but I thought
I'd go for a more experienced barman

302
00:18:35,967 --> 00:18:40,404
with references, as opposed to a dizzy,
1 7-year-old girl who can't add up.

303
00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:41,840
Oh, here he is.

304
00:18:41,927 --> 00:18:43,883
Why does she need to add up?
The drinks are free!

305
00:18:43,967 --> 00:18:47,084
Morning, Janey. Ah, thanks for letting
us come in a bit early, you know.

306
00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:50,284
I just thought it would be good to
hit the ground running, so to speak.

307
00:18:50,727 --> 00:18:51,876
You must be Potato.

308
00:18:52,647 --> 00:18:56,117
Janey, please, you don't understand.
I can't work with this guy,

309
00:18:56,207 --> 00:18:57,242
it's not good for my image.

310
00:18:57,327 --> 00:18:59,557
Not good for your image?
Who do you think you are?

311
00:18:59,647 --> 00:19:01,239
Bono?
-Shall I get started now?

312
00:19:01,327 --> 00:19:04,637
No! Janey, he can work inside, please,

313
00:19:04,727 --> 00:19:06,604
come on, this is my bar.

314
00:19:07,487 --> 00:19:10,559
Hey, did you have any thoughts about
my idea, you know, of waiter service

315
00:19:10,647 --> 00:19:13,115
to people on their sunbeds
during the quieter parts of the day?

316
00:19:13,207 --> 00:19:14,356
What?

317
00:19:14,447 --> 00:19:16,517
We can talk about it later. Here you go.

318
00:19:16,607 --> 00:19:18,438
You've told Potato about
Lesley, haven't you?

319
00:19:18,527 --> 00:19:20,165
My name is Mateo.

320
00:19:20,487 --> 00:19:21,681
Oh, yeah,

321
00:19:22,527 --> 00:19:24,358
Les is a transvestite.

322
00:19:24,447 --> 00:19:26,802
I said he can come to work dressed
as Lesley any time he wants.

323
00:19:26,887 --> 00:19:28,957
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Very funny.

324
00:19:32,807 --> 00:19:34,843
Janey, please tell me this is a joke.

325
00:19:34,927 --> 00:19:37,805
It's no joke.
We're an equal opportunities employer.

326
00:19:37,887 --> 00:19:39,479
How do you think you got the job?

327
00:19:40,127 --> 00:19:42,038
Right, sorry to keep you waiting.
What can I get you?

328
00:19:51,127 --> 00:19:53,561
What time is it?
She said she'd be half an hour.

329
00:19:53,647 --> 00:19:55,399
Maybe I should wait in Reception.

330
00:19:55,487 --> 00:19:57,796
She'll be here soon, don't panic.

331
00:19:57,887 --> 00:20:00,117
I knew it was a bad idea
her staying on out here.

332
00:20:00,207 --> 00:20:01,845
God knows what's happened to her.

333
00:20:01,927 --> 00:20:03,485
Calm down.

334
00:20:03,567 --> 00:20:06,479
She obviously just decided running the
Benidorm Palace was too much for her.

335
00:20:06,767 --> 00:20:08,086
Which is hardly surprising for someone

336
00:20:08,167 --> 00:20:11,000
whose idea of hard work
is having to light her own fags.

337
00:20:11,087 --> 00:20:13,442
Hello again!
-Hola!

338
00:20:13,567 --> 00:20:15,683
Mmm, have you two come up for air?

339
00:20:15,767 --> 00:20:17,439
Is this sunbed free?

340
00:20:17,567 --> 00:20:19,956
No, no, it's... It's ours.

341
00:20:20,047 --> 00:20:22,766
Oh, you managed to track
Madge down, did you?

342
00:20:22,847 --> 00:20:26,635
Donald thought it was a bit strange
you didn't know she'd moved,

343
00:20:26,727 --> 00:20:28,479
but I said to him,

344
00:20:28,567 --> 00:20:33,800
''When I was 1 2, I went back
to the wrong school by accident.''

345
00:20:33,887 --> 00:20:35,878
You know, after the summer break.

346
00:20:36,367 --> 00:20:39,598
Yeah. I ended up staying there,
actually,

347
00:20:39,687 --> 00:20:41,882
the dinners were much nicer.

348
00:20:43,447 --> 00:20:46,484
Yeah, it's all sorted,
it was just a misunderstanding.

349
00:20:46,567 --> 00:20:49,365
Oh, that's good. We were speaking
to Duck Face Dennis

350
00:20:49,447 --> 00:20:51,199
in the unisex hairdressers.

351
00:20:51,287 --> 00:20:53,084
He said that when Mel died,

352
00:20:53,167 --> 00:20:57,206
Madge was left with a huge amount
of debt, didn't have a penny to her name

353
00:20:57,287 --> 00:21:00,359
and was living on benefits in
a two-berth caravan.

354
00:21:00,447 --> 00:21:04,918
But I told him, that doesn't sound like
the Madge Harvey we know!

355
00:21:15,127 --> 00:21:16,242
Jan.

356
00:21:27,207 --> 00:21:28,686
Oh, my God!

357
00:21:28,767 --> 00:21:29,995
You said some of these
people here were rough.

358
00:21:30,087 --> 00:21:31,315
I didn't know you
meant ''sleeping rough''.

359
00:21:31,407 --> 00:21:33,682
Oh, my God! It's Madge!
-Who's Madge?

360
00:21:34,167 --> 00:21:36,044
Madge, you all right?

361
00:21:36,767 --> 00:21:39,201
Course I'm all right,
what do you mean by that?

362
00:21:39,327 --> 00:21:40,885
Well, nothing, I just meant...

363
00:21:42,327 --> 00:21:43,646
Where's Mel?

364
00:21:43,727 --> 00:21:46,241
I have to say the sight of him
in his leopardskin thong

365
00:21:46,327 --> 00:21:49,000
is one of the few things that keeps
bringing me back to this place!

366
00:21:50,567 --> 00:21:52,717
He died on Christmas Day.

367
00:21:53,687 --> 00:21:55,166
Oh, my God!

368
00:21:57,567 --> 00:22:00,035
Gavin, your Slim a Soup's getting cold.

369
00:22:01,407 --> 00:22:03,159
Madge, I'm so sorry.

370
00:22:07,927 --> 00:22:09,997
That went well.
You should get a job here,

371
00:22:10,087 --> 00:22:11,998
meet and greet, you'd go down a storm.

372
00:22:12,087 --> 00:22:15,397
Madge! We were just talking about you!

373
00:22:15,487 --> 00:22:17,842
Are you all right? You look terrible.

374
00:22:17,927 --> 00:22:19,679
That's rich coming from you, isn't it?

375
00:22:19,767 --> 00:22:20,961
What do you mean?

376
00:22:21,047 --> 00:22:23,686
Well, look at the pair of you,
you're hardly the ''fit family''.

377
00:22:23,767 --> 00:22:26,235
You look like you're about to explode.

378
00:22:26,327 --> 00:22:30,957
Donald always carries a bit of
excess water in the summer, don't you?

379
00:22:31,047 --> 00:22:32,036
Oh, yes.

380
00:22:32,127 --> 00:22:35,563
Carrying that amount of water.
I'm surprised the pool's not empty.

381
00:22:35,647 --> 00:22:37,399
Get out of me way.

382
00:22:37,487 --> 00:22:39,478
Maybe see you later?

383
00:22:49,967 --> 00:22:50,956
Oh, God, Mick.

384
00:22:51,887 --> 00:22:55,766
Oh, Mam, we've been worried sick
about you. Come here.

385
00:22:55,847 --> 00:22:57,166
What's been going on?

386
00:22:57,247 --> 00:23:00,125
Let me sit down,
I'm buggered after that walk.

387
00:23:00,207 --> 00:23:01,356
Come on.

388
00:23:09,647 --> 00:23:12,844
So it's Matato, not Potato.

389
00:23:13,327 --> 00:23:14,885
Mateo.

390
00:23:14,967 --> 00:23:17,959
Oh, it's a great name. Is it Spanish?

391
00:23:19,287 --> 00:23:20,402
This is my bar.

392
00:23:20,487 --> 00:23:24,639
Listen, I don't wanna be stuck behind
a bar in the shade in weather like this.

393
00:23:24,727 --> 00:23:27,764
And I don't want to tread on
anybody's toes on me first day.

394
00:23:27,847 --> 00:23:28,916
So?

395
00:23:29,007 --> 00:23:31,157
So why don't you stay here
behind the bar.

396
00:23:31,247 --> 00:23:34,000
I'll slip into something a bit more
comfortable and just do what I do best.

397
00:23:34,927 --> 00:23:36,804
You're going to slip into what?

398
00:23:36,887 --> 00:23:37,876
Back in a few minutes.

399
00:23:39,047 --> 00:23:40,036
Okay.

400
00:23:42,127 --> 00:23:43,879
Why do I think I am
going to regret this?

401
00:23:43,967 --> 00:23:48,085
When I got back after Mel's funeral,
I tried to sort out all his affairs but,

402
00:23:48,167 --> 00:23:50,886
well, it was all one big mess.

403
00:23:51,407 --> 00:23:53,477
I thought the Benidorm Palace
was going well.

404
00:23:53,567 --> 00:23:57,958
It was, but Mel had made a few more
investments that turned sour.

405
00:23:58,047 --> 00:24:00,083
I think he'd just got a bit too...

406
00:24:00,207 --> 00:24:01,276
Greedy?

407
00:24:01,367 --> 00:24:02,436
Ambitious.

408
00:24:02,527 --> 00:24:04,722
It was the credit crunch, Mam,
you can't blame yourself.

409
00:24:04,807 --> 00:24:08,004
Property in Dubai lost money overnight.

410
00:24:08,087 --> 00:24:11,602
Helicopter rides over Benidorm
never really got off the ground.

411
00:24:11,847 --> 00:24:14,236
And just when I thought things couldn't
get any worse,

412
00:24:14,327 --> 00:24:16,966
the racehorse Mel bought me
committed suicide.

413
00:24:19,527 --> 00:24:21,722
I got rid of the Benidorm Palace,

414
00:24:21,847 --> 00:24:24,919
then the villa, that was
just rented, thank God.

415
00:24:25,007 --> 00:24:27,601
I didn't lose any money
but I didn't make any either.

416
00:24:27,687 --> 00:24:28,961
Oh, can we talk about this later?

417
00:24:29,047 --> 00:24:31,607
Why didn't you tell us?
We could have helped.

418
00:24:31,807 --> 00:24:33,035
Uh, the solicitor said to me,

419
00:24:33,127 --> 00:24:37,086
''Madge, you've still got the sunbed
shops in the UK.'' But I told him

420
00:24:37,607 --> 00:24:39,484
Mel signed them over to Mick.

421
00:24:39,567 --> 00:24:42,001
I'll dig meself out this mess.

422
00:24:42,087 --> 00:24:44,885
Look, he did, but that was when
you had everything here.

423
00:24:44,967 --> 00:24:46,605
Mick can sign the shops over to you.

424
00:24:49,327 --> 00:24:50,840
Can't you, Mick?

425
00:24:53,487 --> 00:24:54,920
Well...

426
00:24:56,447 --> 00:24:58,961
What would be the point of that?
She lives in Spain now.

427
00:24:59,047 --> 00:25:01,515
I don't want the shops back.

428
00:25:01,607 --> 00:25:03,723
I can't believe I'm hearing this.

429
00:25:03,807 --> 00:25:06,162
She doesn't want the shops back!

430
00:25:06,247 --> 00:25:07,839
Are you checking in?

431
00:25:07,967 --> 00:25:10,003
If you're not, you're going
to have to pay for coffee.

432
00:25:10,087 --> 00:25:11,315
Yeah, we're booking her in.

433
00:25:11,407 --> 00:25:13,238
No, you are not, I'm going home.

434
00:25:13,327 --> 00:25:14,680
Look, just calm down.

435
00:25:14,807 --> 00:25:16,604
Calm down? This is all your fault.

436
00:25:16,687 --> 00:25:18,279
Hang on a minute,

437
00:25:18,367 --> 00:25:21,040
Mel pissed all his money away on
helicopters and suicidal horses

438
00:25:21,127 --> 00:25:22,480
and all of a sudden it's all my fault?

439
00:25:22,567 --> 00:25:24,125
Are you going to pay for that coffee?

440
00:25:24,207 --> 00:25:26,198
Oh, will you just shut up
about the coffee.

441
00:25:26,287 --> 00:25:27,925
Mrs Harvey, how are you going?

442
00:25:28,007 --> 00:25:29,326
Haven't seen you for months.

443
00:25:29,407 --> 00:25:31,284
Bloody hell, you're looking rough.

444
00:25:31,367 --> 00:25:32,880
What can I get you to drink, pet?

445
00:25:32,967 --> 00:25:35,003
Right, that's it, I'm off!

446
00:25:35,087 --> 00:25:36,236
Oh, come on.

447
00:25:36,327 --> 00:25:38,841
Oh, well done, Lesley. Congratulations!

448
00:25:38,927 --> 00:25:40,519
Get your arses up.
-Mam. Mam!

449
00:25:40,607 --> 00:25:42,757
Was it something I said?
- ...talk about it, all right?

450
00:25:53,407 --> 00:25:55,238
Such a shame about Mel,

451
00:25:55,367 --> 00:25:56,766
dying on Christmas Day.

452
00:25:56,847 --> 00:25:58,963
Oh, it's terrible.
And now she's lost everything?

453
00:25:59,047 --> 00:26:02,960
That's what we heard. Her husband
dies leaving her thousands in debt

454
00:26:03,047 --> 00:26:06,722
while she lives on benefits
in a squalid, two-berth caravan.

455
00:26:08,007 --> 00:26:11,602
In saying all that,
she does have a lovely figure.

456
00:26:12,087 --> 00:26:15,796
So, Kenneth, first time in Benidorm,
how are you finding it?

457
00:26:16,487 --> 00:26:19,445
I think, um, beguiling's the word
that springs to mind.

458
00:26:19,527 --> 00:26:21,757
So, let me get this right,

459
00:26:21,847 --> 00:26:26,637
you work with Gavin and Troy
and you've come on holiday with Gavin

460
00:26:26,727 --> 00:26:29,560
while Troy spends some time
with his dad?

461
00:26:29,647 --> 00:26:30,682
That's right.

462
00:26:30,767 --> 00:26:33,076
But Troy didn't know he had a dad.

463
00:26:33,247 --> 00:26:35,317
He did. He just never really knew him.

464
00:26:35,407 --> 00:26:38,365
Oh, and now he's dying in hospital.

465
00:26:38,887 --> 00:26:40,923
Oh, I don't know,

466
00:26:41,087 --> 00:26:44,124
they're dropping like flies,
aren't they?

467
00:26:44,207 --> 00:26:47,165
How's Troy's son? Um, Jamie?

468
00:26:47,247 --> 00:26:48,919
Yes, Jamie, he's wonderful.

469
00:26:49,007 --> 00:26:54,035
Oh, 'cause you're more or less
his mum now, aren't you?

470
00:26:54,127 --> 00:26:55,276
More or less.

471
00:26:55,367 --> 00:27:00,043
Does that feel strange? Sitting here
thinking you're somebody's mother?

472
00:27:00,167 --> 00:27:02,283
Not really, the one thing Benidorm
isn't short of is

473
00:27:02,367 --> 00:27:06,155
large women with receding hairlines
and five o'clock shadows.

474
00:27:06,287 --> 00:27:07,481
Have you got kids?

475
00:27:07,567 --> 00:27:10,081
Oh, no, we never bothered.

476
00:27:10,167 --> 00:27:12,840
Well, they make so much mess,
don't they?

477
00:27:12,927 --> 00:27:15,566
Very house-proud, my Jacqueline.

478
00:27:15,647 --> 00:27:20,243
Mind you, Donald must have dozens
knocking around somewhere.

479
00:27:20,327 --> 00:27:22,636
Oh, no, more in the hundreds.

480
00:27:22,807 --> 00:27:25,879
Donald was made redundant
in the late '70s

481
00:27:25,967 --> 00:27:30,882
and to make ends meet he started
contributing to a local sperm bank.

482
00:27:30,967 --> 00:27:32,559
But you can't make a living doing that.

483
00:27:32,647 --> 00:27:34,160
Depends how often you go.

484
00:27:34,247 --> 00:27:39,401
At my height I was contributing
20 or 30 times a week.

485
00:27:39,487 --> 00:27:40,476
A week?

486
00:27:40,567 --> 00:27:42,603
What was it they used to call you?

487
00:27:42,687 --> 00:27:45,247
The One-Armed Bandit.

488
00:27:45,327 --> 00:27:48,000
And I always paid out.

489
00:27:55,447 --> 00:27:57,199
Straight on.

490
00:28:01,287 --> 00:28:04,199
Not that bad in here.

491
00:28:04,287 --> 00:28:05,640
Be all right once they've finished it.

492
00:28:05,767 --> 00:28:06,756
Mick.

493
00:28:09,487 --> 00:28:10,806
Now where?

494
00:28:11,127 --> 00:28:12,116
Oh, my God!

495
00:28:13,007 --> 00:28:14,235
What's wrong?

496
00:28:14,327 --> 00:28:15,316
Oh, my God!

497
00:28:15,607 --> 00:28:17,325
Mother, what's wrong?

498
00:28:34,687 --> 00:28:36,405
Mother, are you all right?

499
00:28:36,487 --> 00:28:38,717
It's gone. They've taken it.

500
00:28:38,967 --> 00:28:40,116
Madge!

501
00:28:40,967 --> 00:28:41,956
Madge.

502
00:28:42,047 --> 00:28:43,878
I've been trying to ring you
all morning.

503
00:28:43,967 --> 00:28:46,003
Oh, God, it's been mental here.

504
00:28:46,287 --> 00:28:48,118
Oh. You all right?

505
00:28:48,207 --> 00:28:50,846
Madge, I don't want you to panic.

506
00:28:51,687 --> 00:28:53,040
I've got some bad news.

507
00:28:53,127 --> 00:28:54,560
What is it?

508
00:28:54,647 --> 00:28:56,763
Madge... I've been trying to ring you.

509
00:28:58,087 --> 00:28:59,520
They've taken your caravan.

510
00:28:59,607 --> 00:29:02,838
I know they've taken me caravan!
Do you think I'm blind?

511
00:29:03,007 --> 00:29:04,725
Oh, right, yeah.

512
00:29:04,807 --> 00:29:06,843
Well, here's all the stuff
they took out of it.

513
00:29:07,247 --> 00:29:10,125
I told Reg, I said Madge is good for
the rent, but he's just gone mental,

514
00:29:10,207 --> 00:29:12,846
anyone more than three months in arrears
and they're impounding the van.

515
00:29:12,927 --> 00:29:15,043
Black Nigel and Fat Pat are in bits.

516
00:29:15,127 --> 00:29:17,243
Well, first they found out their
daughter in Wigan's a lesbian

517
00:29:17,327 --> 00:29:18,680
and now they've got nowhere to live.

518
00:29:18,767 --> 00:29:21,235
Oh, it's all wrong.

519
00:29:21,327 --> 00:29:22,840
Who's impounded the caravans?

520
00:29:22,927 --> 00:29:27,079
Reg the Veg, site manager.
Oh, he's an absolute bastard.

521
00:29:27,207 --> 00:29:28,799
Pardon my French.

522
00:29:28,887 --> 00:29:30,798
Sorry, I'm Lucky Kev.

523
00:29:31,127 --> 00:29:33,516
I've got a double plot on the corner
of Glasgow and Newcastle Street.

524
00:29:33,607 --> 00:29:34,835
You must be Mick and Janice.

525
00:29:34,927 --> 00:29:36,076
Oh, God!

526
00:29:36,167 --> 00:29:37,759
Come on, Mam, don't get upset.

527
00:29:37,847 --> 00:29:40,077
Come on, back to the Solana,
we'll get something to eat

528
00:29:40,167 --> 00:29:42,522
and think all this through.
-Good idea, I'm starving.

529
00:29:42,687 --> 00:29:44,166
Not you, dickhead.

530
00:29:56,127 --> 00:29:59,085
Listen, Madge, that 5 euro you owe me,

531
00:29:59,167 --> 00:30:01,158
don't sweat about it, yeah?

532
00:30:01,247 --> 00:30:02,236
Let's talk about it next week.

533
00:30:02,327 --> 00:30:04,283
I know you've got a lot on
your plate right now.

534
00:30:04,367 --> 00:30:05,356
Piss off.

535
00:30:16,287 --> 00:30:17,276
Hey.

536
00:30:22,447 --> 00:30:26,520
Hey. I need to speak to you.

537
00:30:26,607 --> 00:30:29,519
Make it quick.
Although I heard you always do.

538
00:30:30,287 --> 00:30:33,882
I need you to give a message to Natalie.

539
00:30:33,967 --> 00:30:36,276
Forget it, she told you
when we got here,

540
00:30:36,407 --> 00:30:38,477
what happened in the past,
stays in the past.

541
00:30:38,567 --> 00:30:42,116
She's not interested in going over
very old ground.

542
00:30:42,247 --> 00:30:46,240
Look, I just...
I just want to be friends, okay?

543
00:30:46,447 --> 00:30:49,007
I am not trying to
get back with Natalie.

544
00:30:49,087 --> 00:30:52,363
I have, how do you say, moved on.

545
00:30:52,447 --> 00:30:55,883
Right, well, I need you to move on
just a little bit further,

546
00:30:55,967 --> 00:30:57,082
about a metre to your left,

547
00:30:57,167 --> 00:30:59,727
before I whack you in the knackers
with me boombox.

548
00:31:00,207 --> 00:31:01,686
Gracias.

549
00:31:03,007 --> 00:31:05,316
Hey, you are not going to play
that here, this is not an...

550
00:31:05,447 --> 00:31:06,436
Shove it!

551
00:31:07,407 --> 00:31:09,125
There you go, son.

552
00:31:09,207 --> 00:31:11,482
Oh. Oh, thanks, Dad.

553
00:31:12,087 --> 00:31:13,122
Is that the one you fancy?

554
00:31:13,207 --> 00:31:16,165
No, no, it's her mate I like.

555
00:31:16,287 --> 00:31:17,686
Oh, I was gonna say

556
00:31:17,767 --> 00:31:20,679
she'd eat you for breakfast and
shit you out before lunch, that one.

557
00:31:24,447 --> 00:31:26,119
The other one's amazing.

558
00:31:26,527 --> 00:31:27,846
Her name's Natalie.

559
00:31:27,927 --> 00:31:29,883
You really like her?
-Yeah.

560
00:31:31,527 --> 00:31:32,960
Okay, son, leave this to me.

561
00:31:33,047 --> 00:31:35,003
Oh, Dad, don't do anything embarrassing.

562
00:31:35,127 --> 00:31:37,800
Ah, now come on, son, play the game.

563
00:31:37,887 --> 00:31:40,037
When have I ever done anything to
embarrass you?

564
00:31:50,967 --> 00:31:54,596
Gonzo over there wanted to talk to you.
I told him to shove it.

565
00:31:54,687 --> 00:31:56,040
Who's Gonzo?

566
00:31:56,167 --> 00:31:57,486
Uh, big nose.

567
00:31:57,567 --> 00:32:00,161
Oh, Natalie, I just want to be friends.

568
00:32:00,247 --> 00:32:01,521
Do you mind taking off your clothes

569
00:32:01,607 --> 00:32:03,325
and lying down while I
give you a friendly...

570
00:32:03,407 --> 00:32:05,045
He hasn't got a big nose.

571
00:32:05,127 --> 00:32:07,118
God, you still fancy him.

572
00:32:07,207 --> 00:32:10,040
No, I don't fancy him,
he just doesn't have a big nose.

573
00:32:10,127 --> 00:32:11,845
Anyway, the way he was leering after you

574
00:32:11,927 --> 00:32:13,724
I don't think I'm the one
who has to worry.

575
00:32:13,807 --> 00:32:16,685
I'd rather shag Benny Hill over there
while his wife watched.

576
00:32:16,767 --> 00:32:19,964
From what I've heard
she wouldn't just wanna watch.

577
00:32:30,367 --> 00:32:33,439
Two delicious cocktails
for two delicious young ladies.

578
00:32:33,527 --> 00:32:35,438
Oh, we didn't order any cocktails.

579
00:32:35,527 --> 00:32:36,721
No, you didn't,

580
00:32:36,807 --> 00:32:40,243
but that lovely young man over there
sent these over with his compliments.

581
00:32:43,007 --> 00:32:45,840
Anything else you need,
you just let me know.

582
00:32:46,687 --> 00:32:48,962
Ah, that was nice.

583
00:32:49,047 --> 00:32:53,518
Yeah, sending over free drinks
in an all-inclusive resort.

584
00:32:53,607 --> 00:32:54,596
Generous.

585
00:32:54,687 --> 00:32:56,598
Oh, I wonder what
he'll spoil us with next.

586
00:32:56,687 --> 00:32:59,485
Toilet paper in our room?
Unlimited use of the pool?

587
00:33:11,847 --> 00:33:15,840
Hey. Hey, hey, I told you about this.

588
00:33:16,127 --> 00:33:18,687
Yeah, and I thought I told you
what to do and all, didn't I?

589
00:33:18,767 --> 00:33:20,758
Just turn it off, Sam.
-No, I won't.

590
00:33:20,847 --> 00:33:23,884
Oh, what's wrong? Are you worried
some of the pensioners wake up

591
00:33:23,967 --> 00:33:27,084
and spoil the open air mortuary look
you've been cultivating?

592
00:33:27,167 --> 00:33:32,161
You put your greasy digit on that
machine and you, my friend, will die.

593
00:33:34,047 --> 00:33:36,845
Um, she means your finger.

594
00:33:37,887 --> 00:33:39,684
It's against the rules.

595
00:33:50,567 --> 00:33:52,046
Is that Rihanna?
-Yeah.

596
00:33:52,127 --> 00:33:54,641
I like her. Can you turn it up a bit
so I can hear it over there.

597
00:33:54,727 --> 00:33:56,285
Yeah, course I can.

598
00:33:59,247 --> 00:34:01,636
Where did your mum and dad go?

599
00:34:01,727 --> 00:34:03,399
Do you want to sit with us
till they get back?

600
00:34:03,487 --> 00:34:06,684
They said they was going to be
20 minutes, but that was ages ago.

601
00:34:07,007 --> 00:34:09,123
Pull up a chair.
-All right, thanks.

602
00:34:09,207 --> 00:34:11,038
What's your name?
-Michael.

603
00:34:11,127 --> 00:34:13,766
I'm Sam, this is Natalie.
-Hiya.

604
00:34:14,007 --> 00:34:15,406
Can you dance, Michael?

605
00:34:15,487 --> 00:34:18,559
Not really. Well, a bit of street stuff.

606
00:34:18,647 --> 00:34:19,966
Seriously?

607
00:34:20,447 --> 00:34:22,119
Do you want to throw some moves?

608
00:34:22,887 --> 00:34:23,876
No.

609
00:34:23,967 --> 00:34:26,765
Oh, come on, let's liven this dump up.

610
00:34:31,287 --> 00:34:34,085
Are you sure you don't
wanna dance, Michael?

611
00:34:34,167 --> 00:34:36,442
No, I'm all right, thanks.

612
00:34:39,287 --> 00:34:42,404
Sam, I think you're making
Michael feel uncomfortable.

613
00:34:42,487 --> 00:34:43,715
No, I'm okay.

614
00:34:43,807 --> 00:34:47,800
Right then, you... You're making me
feel uncomfortable.

615
00:34:51,367 --> 00:34:53,881
Er, excuse me, what's going on?

616
00:34:53,967 --> 00:34:57,277
Er, I'm enjoying myself,
it's called being on holiday.

617
00:34:57,367 --> 00:34:58,880
Whose CD player's that?

618
00:34:58,967 --> 00:35:00,525
Really?
-Ow!

619
00:35:00,607 --> 00:35:03,724
Well, unfortunately, when your holiday
involves giving my 1 1 -year-old son

620
00:35:03,807 --> 00:35:06,082
a lap dance, it's time to
stop enjoying yourself.

621
00:35:06,167 --> 00:35:07,885
Get off, you're hurting me!

622
00:35:10,847 --> 00:35:13,839
I hope you drown, you dirty slag!

623
00:35:14,047 --> 00:35:18,802
And you, turn that music off now
or else that goes in as well.

624
00:35:22,407 --> 00:35:24,363
Right, shall we sit down?

625
00:35:25,407 --> 00:35:26,840
Excuse me.
-Yeah?

626
00:35:26,967 --> 00:35:28,559
You don't want a job here, do you?

627
00:35:28,647 --> 00:35:30,080
Come on, you, move it.

628
00:35:30,567 --> 00:35:31,636
Get there!

629
00:35:41,847 --> 00:35:44,805
Well, there's certainly never
a dull moment here.

630
00:35:44,887 --> 00:35:47,685
I wouldn't mind doing
a bit of lap dancing.

631
00:35:47,767 --> 00:35:49,962
Well, we definitely could do
with the money.

632
00:35:50,047 --> 00:35:53,642
Two holidays in the last six months has
left us pretty broke.

633
00:35:53,807 --> 00:35:58,358
Apparently you need a strong back,
that's the key to it.

634
00:35:58,447 --> 00:36:01,439
Well, you pass in that department
with flying colours.

635
00:36:01,527 --> 00:36:04,644
You've certainly had a lot of weight
on your back in your time.

636
00:36:04,727 --> 00:36:06,206
That's true.

637
00:36:06,847 --> 00:36:12,319
Eighteen down, American slang
for courage or determination.

638
00:36:12,767 --> 00:36:16,885
Five letters, ends in U-N-K.

639
00:36:17,767 --> 00:36:18,916
Spunk.

640
00:36:19,687 --> 00:36:21,279
Really?
-Oh, yes.

641
00:36:21,567 --> 00:36:23,444
Spunk?
-Yep.

642
00:36:24,607 --> 00:36:30,796
Oh, isn't it terrible, I mean, kiddies
could be reading this or anybody.

643
00:36:35,407 --> 00:36:37,682
Right, first of all, how much do you owe
on the ground rent?

644
00:36:37,767 --> 00:36:40,076
I don't want my caravan back,
it's worth nothing.

645
00:36:40,287 --> 00:36:41,959
What about all the stuff inside it?

646
00:36:42,087 --> 00:36:43,281
There's just clothes in them bags.

647
00:36:43,367 --> 00:36:44,595
What about all your possessions?

648
00:36:44,687 --> 00:36:48,726
Possessions? What possessions?
I've got nothing.

649
00:36:48,807 --> 00:36:50,365
Do you hear me? Nothing!

650
00:36:50,447 --> 00:36:52,756
All right, all right, calm down.

651
00:36:52,927 --> 00:36:55,919
Oh, you're loving this, aren't you?
Just look at his face.

652
00:36:56,007 --> 00:36:57,679
What are you talking about?
I'm trying to help you!

653
00:36:57,767 --> 00:37:00,042
Yeah, well, it's too little, too late.

654
00:37:00,207 --> 00:37:01,925
Nana, what's happened?

655
00:37:02,007 --> 00:37:05,443
I'll tell you what's happened,
that father of yours has bled me dry.

656
00:37:05,527 --> 00:37:06,676
Whoa, hang on a minute!

657
00:37:06,767 --> 00:37:09,042
She doesn't mean it, she's in shock.

658
00:37:09,127 --> 00:37:10,879
Mick's trying to help you, Mam.

659
00:37:10,967 --> 00:37:13,083
I just need a couple of days to get
me thoughts together,

660
00:37:13,167 --> 00:37:14,998
work out what to do next.

661
00:37:16,007 --> 00:37:18,475
I've buried two husbands,
raised seven kids.

662
00:37:18,567 --> 00:37:20,159
I don't need anyone's help.

663
00:37:20,247 --> 00:37:22,238
Right, I'm gonna sort this out.

664
00:37:22,327 --> 00:37:23,316
Where are you going?

665
00:37:23,447 --> 00:37:26,484
I'm off back up to the caravan park and
I'm gonna have a word with this fella.

666
00:37:26,567 --> 00:37:28,205
Oh, he's a nasty piece of work.

667
00:37:28,447 --> 00:37:30,677
Yeah? Well, he hasn't met me.

668
00:37:30,767 --> 00:37:33,804
Fellow in the caravan up from me
wouldn't take his satellite dish down

669
00:37:33,887 --> 00:37:35,445
so he broke his legs.

670
00:37:37,647 --> 00:37:38,966
See you when you get back.

671
00:37:43,407 --> 00:37:44,999
Well, are you going or not?

672
00:37:46,127 --> 00:37:48,118
Tell you what,
why don't we leave it until tomorrow

673
00:37:48,207 --> 00:37:49,560
give him chance to cool down a bit.

674
00:37:49,647 --> 00:37:52,036
He'll be annoyed about the money
I borrowed off him an' all.

675
00:37:52,167 --> 00:37:53,566
How much money?

676
00:37:53,647 --> 00:37:54,966
Never you mind how much.

677
00:37:55,047 --> 00:37:57,117
I've told you,
I can sort this out on me own.

678
00:37:57,207 --> 00:37:59,880
The last thing I need is
you poking your nose in.

679
00:37:59,967 --> 00:38:01,480
Madge! Madge!

680
00:38:01,567 --> 00:38:03,125
What the bloody hell does he want?

681
00:38:03,207 --> 00:38:04,560
Oh, Madge, thank God I've found you...

682
00:38:04,647 --> 00:38:05,966
I take it Reg hasn't been here?

683
00:38:06,047 --> 00:38:07,082
What's it got to do with you?

684
00:38:07,167 --> 00:38:10,443
Well, I saw him earlier on
and he were going absolutely mental.

685
00:38:10,567 --> 00:38:11,761
What do you want?

686
00:38:11,847 --> 00:38:16,363
This is an exclusive resort, now
piss off before I get you thrown out.

687
00:38:16,447 --> 00:38:18,642
No, listen, Madge,
under no circumstances

688
00:38:18,727 --> 00:38:19,921
come back to the park, yeah?

689
00:38:20,887 --> 00:38:22,445
I spoke to Reg this morning and well,

690
00:38:23,047 --> 00:38:25,436
I had no idea you'd
borrowed two grand off him.

691
00:38:25,527 --> 00:38:27,040
Not that it's got anything
to do with me, but,

692
00:38:27,127 --> 00:38:29,277
two grand plus the money you
owed him in ground rent...

693
00:38:29,967 --> 00:38:31,798
Ay caramba.

694
00:38:31,967 --> 00:38:33,685
He asked me where you were
but I said no,

695
00:38:33,967 --> 00:38:37,277
no, no way. I'm not grassing Madge up,
not a chance.

696
00:38:37,367 --> 00:38:39,881
Yeah, well, very good,
you've done your bit, now off you pop.

697
00:38:39,967 --> 00:38:41,923
I mean he even offered me money,
you know,

698
00:38:42,007 --> 00:38:44,077
to tell him where you are but I said no.

699
00:38:44,967 --> 00:38:46,685
20 euros, but I said no.

700
00:38:46,807 --> 00:38:48,877
No siree, Bob. No way, no how.

701
00:38:48,967 --> 00:38:50,559
My loyalty cannot be bought.

702
00:38:50,687 --> 00:38:52,279
Oh, thanks, love.

703
00:38:52,647 --> 00:38:54,683
I mean, technically I'm out
of pocket now, you know,

704
00:38:54,927 --> 00:38:56,804
20 euros, but erm...

705
00:38:56,887 --> 00:38:58,605
You're not asking us
for 20 euros, are you?

706
00:38:58,687 --> 00:39:00,518
Oh, my God, no, no, no!

707
00:39:00,767 --> 00:39:01,756
Good.

708
00:39:02,087 --> 00:39:03,600
I mean, it would have been easy money,

709
00:39:03,687 --> 00:39:05,006
you know, very easy money, if I'd...

710
00:39:05,087 --> 00:39:07,123
If I had told him where you are,
but I didn't.

711
00:39:07,207 --> 00:39:08,276
Cheers.

712
00:39:08,367 --> 00:39:09,766
Reg isn't in Benidorm this afternoon,

713
00:39:09,847 --> 00:39:11,917
he's on an anger management
course in Alicante.

714
00:39:12,007 --> 00:39:15,682
But look, I will do my very best to make
sure he doesn't know where you are.

715
00:39:15,767 --> 00:39:17,485
Here, 20 euros. Now piss off.

716
00:39:17,567 --> 00:39:18,556
I don't want your money!

717
00:39:18,647 --> 00:39:20,797
All right.
-But if you're gonna insist...

718
00:39:22,207 --> 00:39:23,879
Thank you very much.

719
00:39:25,287 --> 00:39:26,276
Right, then I'll be off.

720
00:39:26,367 --> 00:39:29,040
But rest assured as long as
there is breath in my body

721
00:39:29,407 --> 00:39:32,001
Reg and his boys have got no chance
of finding you here.

722
00:39:34,087 --> 00:39:35,486
Oh, shit, they've found you.

723
00:39:35,567 --> 00:39:36,716
What? Who's found us?

724
00:39:36,807 --> 00:39:38,877
I thought you said Reg was in Alicante?
-He is.

725
00:39:38,967 --> 00:39:41,686
But this isn't Reg the Veg.
It's much worse than that.

726
00:39:41,767 --> 00:39:44,042
It's his wife, Scary Mary.

727
00:39:52,127 --> 00:39:56,484
Well, well, well, the mole
has come out of her hole.

728
00:39:59,167 --> 00:40:00,725
Come on, boys.

729
00:40:03,927 --> 00:40:06,157
All right, Janice, get your mother
and Michael inside.

730
00:40:06,247 --> 00:40:09,637
She's a black belt in fu yung.
No, not fu yung, what's it called?

731
00:40:09,727 --> 00:40:11,683
Kung fu. Or is it karate?

732
00:40:11,767 --> 00:40:13,837
What's the one where they
do wax on, wax off?

733
00:40:13,927 --> 00:40:16,361
Oh, Jesus, I'm with youse.
-Uh, stay here, you!

734
00:40:16,447 --> 00:40:17,960
Come on, Mam, let's go.

735
00:40:18,047 --> 00:40:20,481
I'm going nowhere.

736
00:40:20,567 --> 00:40:23,479
So this is where you're hiding.

737
00:40:23,567 --> 00:40:25,523
I'm not hiding anywhere.

738
00:40:25,607 --> 00:40:27,996
Can we help you?
I'm assuming you've got a problem,

739
00:40:28,087 --> 00:40:30,601
or does your face always look like that?

740
00:40:31,047 --> 00:40:33,402
I've come to get something
which is well overdue.

741
00:40:33,487 --> 00:40:36,206
I'm sorry, love, we don't do Botox here.

742
00:40:36,287 --> 00:40:39,120
You, lady, owe me money.

743
00:40:39,207 --> 00:40:42,802
No. Correction.
I owe your husband money.

744
00:40:42,887 --> 00:40:44,878
Well, in my book that amounts
to the same thing.

745
00:40:44,967 --> 00:40:47,606
You're not wrong there,
you certainly look like him.

746
00:40:48,127 --> 00:40:49,242
What's going on?

747
00:40:49,327 --> 00:40:51,602
Oh, go away and wipe some tables,
will you, love?

748
00:40:51,687 --> 00:40:55,441
Wipes some tables? I'll wipe your
bleeding face with the back of me hand.

749
00:40:55,527 --> 00:40:56,596
Hey.

750
00:40:59,007 --> 00:40:59,996
Right.

751
00:41:00,367 --> 00:41:02,801
Listen, love. It's Mary, isn't it?

752
00:41:02,887 --> 00:41:04,036
And you are?

753
00:41:04,127 --> 00:41:06,038
I'm Madge's son-in-law.

754
00:41:06,127 --> 00:41:08,243
Listen, love, can we go
somewhere else and talk?

755
00:41:08,327 --> 00:41:10,841
Lucky Kev here told me
all about your little plan.

756
00:41:11,287 --> 00:41:12,561
Now, hang on a minute.

757
00:41:12,647 --> 00:41:15,115
A few quiet days by the pool, eh, Madge?

758
00:41:15,207 --> 00:41:17,482
Before your family whisk
you back to the UK,

759
00:41:17,567 --> 00:41:19,398
leaving all your debts in sunny Spain?

760
00:41:19,487 --> 00:41:21,125
Now, that's not completely true.

761
00:41:21,207 --> 00:41:22,242
I didn't say ''whisk''.

762
00:41:22,327 --> 00:41:24,238
You snivelling little squealer.

763
00:41:24,327 --> 00:41:25,726
It's nothing to do with me!

764
00:41:25,807 --> 00:41:26,842
Look, we'll get your money.

765
00:41:26,927 --> 00:41:27,962
I've heard it all before.

766
00:41:28,047 --> 00:41:29,082
We'll pay you by the end of the week.

767
00:41:29,167 --> 00:41:32,637
This isn't about money any more.
This is about reputations.

768
00:41:32,727 --> 00:41:36,163
Oh, yeah. And I've heard
all about yours.

769
00:41:36,247 --> 00:41:37,362
What's that supposed to mean?

770
00:41:37,447 --> 00:41:39,881
Scary Mary the Benidorm Bike.

771
00:41:39,967 --> 00:41:43,596
I've heard you've given more rides than
a donkey on Blackpool Pleasure Beach,

772
00:41:43,687 --> 00:41:45,757
only you don't charge quite as much.

773
00:41:48,847 --> 00:41:50,121
Listen, lady,

774
00:41:50,687 --> 00:41:52,882
just because you're old
and in a wheelchair,

775
00:41:52,967 --> 00:41:56,516
don't think that'll stop me from
giving you a bloody good pasting.

776
00:41:56,607 --> 00:41:58,518
I'll have you know
I'm a black belt in karate.

777
00:41:59,007 --> 00:42:00,804
Oh yes, third Dan.

778
00:42:00,887 --> 00:42:03,879
Third Dan?
You look more like Desperate Dan.

779
00:42:03,967 --> 00:42:06,640
She's not joking, Madge, I've seen her
do all the spinning around stuff,

780
00:42:06,727 --> 00:42:08,718
she can run up trees.

781
00:42:08,807 --> 00:42:11,605
Oh, bollocks, she couldn't
run up a phone bill.

782
00:42:11,687 --> 00:42:15,885
Right, I've tried to be polite,
now you, sling your hook.

783
00:42:15,967 --> 00:42:19,198
Or what?
You'll set Renée and Renato onto us?

784
00:42:19,287 --> 00:42:21,403
Ah! Don't make me laugh!

785
00:42:21,487 --> 00:42:23,717
Listen, darling, you've been told to go.

786
00:42:23,807 --> 00:42:25,923
So do yourself and
the Chuckle Brothers a favour

787
00:42:26,007 --> 00:42:28,760
and leave now before somebody gets hurt.

788
00:42:30,087 --> 00:42:32,885
Piss off back to your
Pink Windmill, Grotbags,

789
00:42:32,967 --> 00:42:36,004
and make sure you
don't ladder your tights.

790
00:42:39,527 --> 00:42:42,564
Right.

791
00:42:45,247 --> 00:42:47,522
Ooh, Mother, what do you
think you're doing? You're 71 .

792
00:42:47,607 --> 00:42:48,801
Mick, do something.

793
00:42:48,887 --> 00:42:50,605
What do you want me to do?
-I don't know, stop them.

794
00:42:51,327 --> 00:42:52,680
If you think I'm getting
in between your mother

795
00:42:52,767 --> 00:42:55,122
and Mad Mary, you've got to be joking.

796
00:42:55,207 --> 00:42:57,004
Scary Mary.
-Oh, shut up.

797
00:42:59,287 --> 00:43:00,276
What's this?

798
00:43:00,367 --> 00:43:02,437
I don't know, it came off your head.

799
00:43:05,047 --> 00:43:06,719
Right, that's it.

800
00:43:07,607 --> 00:43:09,996
Come on!

801
00:43:29,447 --> 00:43:32,200
No, don't! No, no, no, no!

802
00:43:35,607 --> 00:43:38,917
Get off, you bloody weirdo,
I can't breathe.

803
00:43:39,007 --> 00:43:40,645
Oi, you, come here!

804
00:43:42,167 --> 00:43:44,317
Why don't you come here?

805
00:43:57,207 --> 00:43:59,437
Right. That does it.

806
00:43:59,527 --> 00:44:02,280
You, lady, are history.

807
00:44:10,607 --> 00:44:14,361
Nobody, nobody, threatens my mother.

808
00:44:16,647 --> 00:44:18,285
Fucking hell, that hurt!

809
00:44:18,527 --> 00:44:22,406
I can't swim! I can't swim!

810
00:44:22,487 --> 00:44:26,162
Get that big ugly
hairy git out of my pool.

811
00:44:28,567 --> 00:44:30,956
Not him! That one!

812
00:44:36,167 --> 00:44:38,476
And what the frig am I
supposed to do with her?

813
00:44:38,567 --> 00:44:41,798
You can stuff her and
stick her on the bar, for all I care.

814
00:44:45,927 --> 00:44:48,077
Are you all right, Janice?
-Yeah, I'm all right.

815
00:44:48,167 --> 00:44:49,361
Where's our Michael?

816
00:44:49,447 --> 00:44:51,438
He's here, he's here, don't worry.

817
00:44:51,527 --> 00:44:53,358
Come on, let's get you sat down.

818
00:44:53,607 --> 00:44:54,881
Are you all right, Mam?

819
00:44:54,967 --> 00:44:57,481
You were brilliant! She's out cold.

820
00:44:57,847 --> 00:45:01,556
I'm sorry, Janice, this should have
been my problem, not yours.

821
00:45:01,647 --> 00:45:02,762
We're a family, Mam.

822
00:45:02,847 --> 00:45:05,884
If you've got a problem,
we've all got a problem.

823
00:45:06,007 --> 00:45:07,725
Now come on, let's have a look at you.

824
00:45:08,087 --> 00:45:10,920
Bloody hell, that were a close one,
wasn't it?

825
00:45:11,247 --> 00:45:15,399
Actually, good job I was here
'cause that could have got out of hand.

826
00:45:17,887 --> 00:45:19,878
Right, I'll probably just get off.

827
00:45:20,887 --> 00:45:22,002
I expect you've got a lot of stuff

828
00:45:22,087 --> 00:45:24,885
you need to talk about.
You know, family stuff.

829
00:45:28,647 --> 00:45:31,639
Don't suppose I could get a lift back
to the caravan park, could I?

830
00:45:32,567 --> 00:45:35,479
Come here! Come here, you!

831
00:45:36,327 --> 00:45:37,999
Stop him! Stop him!

832
00:45:38,087 --> 00:45:40,476
Hang on, Madge...
-Stop him!

833
00:45:40,607 --> 00:45:44,839
I'll string him up by his balls!

834
00:45:45,305 --> 00:45:51,360
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