1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.SubtitleDB.org today 2 00:00:35,367 --> 00:00:37,801 Good afternoon. Enjoy your holiday. -Thank you. 3 00:00:37,887 --> 00:00:41,357 Next please. -Buenas, you have your paper work? 4 00:00:41,567 --> 00:00:47,085 No, it's under the name Noreen Maltby and Pauline Mahmoud. 5 00:00:47,567 --> 00:00:51,446 Ah, yes. I remember you, the crazy lady and the fat, crazy son. 6 00:00:51,527 --> 00:00:54,041 That's right, now I... 7 00:00:55,127 --> 00:00:56,765 I beg your pardon? 8 00:00:56,847 --> 00:00:59,998 Excuse, excuse, pardon me, do you mind? 9 00:01:00,087 --> 00:01:04,080 Now, what seems to be the hold up? -Please, one crazy lady at a time. 10 00:01:04,167 --> 00:01:06,806 It's all right. We're together, 11 00:01:06,887 --> 00:01:11,802 one twin room under the names Maltby and Mahmoud. 12 00:01:12,167 --> 00:01:16,365 I've told him once. -Where is your confirmation? 13 00:01:16,447 --> 00:01:19,280 Look, young man, let's start as we mean to go on. 14 00:01:19,367 --> 00:01:22,564 Each minute you're wasting here is coming out of our holiday. 15 00:01:22,647 --> 00:01:23,636 Where's the manager? 16 00:01:24,927 --> 00:01:29,682 That's right, we want the organ donor, not the monkey. 17 00:01:29,807 --> 00:01:32,958 Eh, who are you calling a monkey? -You know what she meant, 18 00:01:33,047 --> 00:01:35,561 don't be playing the racist card with me, my friend. 19 00:01:35,647 --> 00:01:37,877 I've just spent four years married to a Saudi, 20 00:01:37,967 --> 00:01:41,164 this is the first time I've been in the sun without a blanket on my head. 21 00:01:41,247 --> 00:01:44,637 What's going on here? Mateo, get that pool bar opened. 22 00:01:44,727 --> 00:01:45,955 Right, who's next? 23 00:01:46,047 --> 00:01:50,484 Yes, my mother and I wish to check in, here are our passports. 24 00:01:50,567 --> 00:01:53,718 We do not have our confirmation. -Oh, don't worry about that. 25 00:01:53,807 --> 00:01:57,402 Half the people staying here can't even spell their own surname. 26 00:01:58,087 --> 00:02:01,921 Why do I get the impression this holiday was not a good idea? 27 00:02:17,007 --> 00:02:20,966 Oh, my God. This place doesn't change much does it? 28 00:02:21,047 --> 00:02:23,197 It's like a Hammer House of Horror film. 29 00:02:23,287 --> 00:02:26,040 Says Madge Barron, the Bride of Frankenstein. 30 00:02:26,127 --> 00:02:27,958 My surname is Harvey. 31 00:02:31,247 --> 00:02:33,920 I'm sure I've seen that woman somewhere before. 32 00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:35,156 That was it, 33 00:02:35,247 --> 00:02:38,922 she was in that programme where they all had embarrassing illnesses. 34 00:02:39,007 --> 00:02:40,998 Everything downstairs had collapsed. 35 00:02:41,167 --> 00:02:42,600 She had to wear five pair of knickers 36 00:02:42,687 --> 00:02:45,520 to get out the house without leaving a trail. 37 00:02:45,727 --> 00:02:47,479 I think I'm gonna be sick. 38 00:02:47,567 --> 00:02:50,604 Looks like she's only got a couple of pairs on today. 39 00:02:50,767 --> 00:02:53,042 I saw that one, that isn't her. 40 00:02:53,127 --> 00:02:56,119 That woman had blotchy legs, as well, hers look all right. 41 00:02:56,207 --> 00:02:57,879 Oh, do we have to? 42 00:03:02,247 --> 00:03:04,715 I might have a salad today. 43 00:03:04,807 --> 00:03:07,480 You don't want to have heavy when it's hot, do you? 44 00:03:12,247 --> 00:03:16,320 I must have had this cozzie five years, it washes really well. 45 00:03:20,087 --> 00:03:22,647 Isn't that pool a lovely blue. -Oh, for Christ's sake! 46 00:03:22,727 --> 00:03:23,716 What's wrong with you? 47 00:03:23,807 --> 00:03:26,037 Do we have to sit here and listen to this drivel 48 00:03:26,167 --> 00:03:29,159 just 'cause none of us are allowed to mention that Lady Muck's in shit street? 49 00:03:29,247 --> 00:03:31,203 Here we go! -Here we go what? 50 00:03:31,367 --> 00:03:33,597 We sat all night not mentioning it, now all morning. 51 00:03:33,727 --> 00:03:35,126 Not mentioning what? 52 00:03:35,207 --> 00:03:38,404 You're penniless, homeless, and in debt up to your eyeballs. 53 00:03:38,487 --> 00:03:41,285 Your problems aren't gonna go away just 'cause we don't talk about them! 54 00:03:41,487 --> 00:03:45,082 Yes, my late husband may have made a few mistakes, 55 00:03:45,287 --> 00:03:47,642 but don't you forget as you sit there with a beer in one hand 56 00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:50,525 and a cig in the other, just how much he gave you 57 00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:53,445 while never asking for a penny in return. 58 00:03:57,207 --> 00:04:00,085 Now look what you've done! -Oh, for crying out loud! 59 00:04:00,527 --> 00:04:02,279 Where are you going? -Getting a coffee. 60 00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:04,278 Two sugars please. -Get it yourself. 61 00:04:05,327 --> 00:04:10,640 Now there's a surprise, Mick Garvey, public enemy number one. 62 00:04:10,727 --> 00:04:12,638 You all right, Michael? Do you want anything? 63 00:04:12,727 --> 00:04:14,046 No, what's going on? 64 00:04:14,127 --> 00:04:16,925 Your father's being a dickhead, as usual. 65 00:04:17,767 --> 00:04:19,041 Oh, right. 66 00:04:50,727 --> 00:04:52,638 We meet again. 67 00:04:52,727 --> 00:04:55,719 Yeah, funny that. What were the odds of that happening? 68 00:04:55,807 --> 00:04:56,922 What do you mean? 69 00:04:57,007 --> 00:04:59,567 I mean we're both staying in the same hotel, 70 00:04:59,647 --> 00:05:02,366 who'd have thought we'd run into each other again so soon. 71 00:05:02,447 --> 00:05:06,201 Well, it's not that big and there's only one pool. 72 00:05:06,327 --> 00:05:09,444 Yeah. That was kind of my point. 73 00:05:10,687 --> 00:05:12,837 Anyway, I better go and count my flip flops. 74 00:05:12,927 --> 00:05:14,918 No, wait a minute. 75 00:05:15,007 --> 00:05:19,717 I was wondering if you wanted to do something tonight. 76 00:05:20,167 --> 00:05:21,964 Depends what you had in mind. 77 00:05:22,047 --> 00:05:25,801 Oh, you're so beautiful, I just want to grab you. 78 00:05:27,247 --> 00:05:29,920 You do realise you just said that out loud. 79 00:05:30,007 --> 00:05:32,362 Sorry, sometimes things just come out me mouth. 80 00:05:33,287 --> 00:05:36,518 I meant, like, I once had this puppy, 81 00:05:36,607 --> 00:05:40,077 I called it Keith, and I just wanted to squeeze it and squeeze it, 82 00:05:40,167 --> 00:05:42,203 you know, 'cause it was so cute. 83 00:05:42,287 --> 00:05:44,357 And I'm assuming Keith is no longer with us. 84 00:05:44,447 --> 00:05:47,723 No, he died. -There's a surprise. 85 00:05:47,887 --> 00:05:52,278 No! I didn't kill him. No, no, no, Keith died of old age. 86 00:05:52,367 --> 00:05:54,676 Well, at least the story's got a happy ending. 87 00:05:56,327 --> 00:05:58,477 So, do you fancy going on a date? 88 00:05:58,567 --> 00:06:00,444 I promise not to squeeze you to death! 89 00:06:00,527 --> 00:06:03,485 Ah, that's really sweet, Liam, 90 00:06:04,127 --> 00:06:06,595 but I'm not 1 00%%% available. 91 00:06:06,687 --> 00:06:09,520 Well, that's all right, I'll take the bit that is available. 92 00:06:11,287 --> 00:06:14,165 That's a joke. I would prefer all of you. 93 00:06:14,247 --> 00:06:16,158 She's shagging barman. 94 00:06:16,687 --> 00:06:18,962 That's not true. -Which one? 95 00:06:19,087 --> 00:06:21,920 I'm not... I'm not seeing anyone, 96 00:06:22,447 --> 00:06:26,884 I used to go out with the barman, but I don't any more. I'm single. 97 00:06:27,407 --> 00:06:28,965 The one she nearly married, 98 00:06:29,047 --> 00:06:32,119 but he accidently forgot about her when she finished her holiday. 99 00:06:32,207 --> 00:06:33,481 Funny that. 100 00:06:33,567 --> 00:06:36,479 Sorry, I have to go and stand on my friend's neck for a bit. 101 00:06:36,567 --> 00:06:40,879 So you're single then? - Yeah, I'm single. 102 00:06:41,167 --> 00:06:43,237 Cool! Cool. 103 00:06:51,887 --> 00:06:55,118 You really are genuinely hilarious. 104 00:06:55,207 --> 00:06:56,925 Aren't I? -No. 105 00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:01,163 You still haven't spoken to him, have you? 106 00:07:01,247 --> 00:07:03,807 No, I haven't. And I'm not going to. 107 00:07:09,327 --> 00:07:12,763 Listen, I was thinking of checking out a few clubs tonight. 108 00:07:13,407 --> 00:07:15,557 Let us know how you get on. 109 00:07:15,647 --> 00:07:17,444 Wondered if you fancied it? 110 00:07:17,527 --> 00:07:22,442 No, 'cause it's actually us that are together, me and Natalie. 111 00:07:22,527 --> 00:07:23,801 Do you know what I mean? 112 00:07:25,527 --> 00:07:26,676 Oh... 113 00:07:28,047 --> 00:07:30,277 Ahhh... It all makes sense now. 114 00:07:31,047 --> 00:07:32,765 She's winding you up. 115 00:07:32,847 --> 00:07:35,919 I thought you looked a bit dykey, but I didn't wanna say anything. 116 00:07:36,007 --> 00:07:37,998 Well, you know... Listen, I'm totally cool with it, 117 00:07:38,087 --> 00:07:40,476 'cause, I mean, my Dad's a transvestite, so... 118 00:07:40,567 --> 00:07:44,276 So let's all have a big lesbian transvestite party. 119 00:07:44,607 --> 00:07:46,962 Cool! -We're not lesbians, 120 00:07:47,047 --> 00:07:49,003 I don't even like her very much. 121 00:07:50,607 --> 00:07:53,360 Yeah, we'll come out with you tonight. 122 00:07:53,527 --> 00:07:55,995 Er, excuse me? -What else are we gonna do? 123 00:07:56,167 --> 00:07:58,806 Oh, it was a joke! 124 00:08:00,327 --> 00:08:02,397 I knew you were too hot to be a rug muncher. 125 00:08:02,487 --> 00:08:03,920 I'll see youse both tonight! 126 00:08:07,487 --> 00:08:10,047 Seriously, you don't fancy that, do you? 127 00:08:10,127 --> 00:08:13,324 Of course I don't. But he is quite funny. 128 00:08:13,407 --> 00:08:16,365 ''I knew you were too hot to be a rug muncher.'' 129 00:08:16,447 --> 00:08:19,120 It's going to be such a lovely evening. 130 00:08:26,847 --> 00:08:31,284 Now, what I tend to do is get a little spot just over there, 131 00:08:31,367 --> 00:08:34,200 not too far away from the bar, but... 132 00:08:34,287 --> 00:08:36,357 No, no, no, the sun is too direct there. 133 00:08:36,447 --> 00:08:38,881 Do you want to die of skin cancer? Is that what you want to do? 134 00:08:39,207 --> 00:08:43,723 Well, not really. I tend to use a high factor cream, 135 00:08:43,807 --> 00:08:47,482 plus I don't really... -No, no. This way. Come on, this way. 136 00:08:48,447 --> 00:08:51,837 Oh, hello! Your other friend not with you? 137 00:08:51,927 --> 00:08:53,724 No, he's had to go... -Come on! 138 00:08:56,407 --> 00:08:58,477 Ooh, you know all the movers and shakers, don't you? 139 00:08:58,567 --> 00:09:01,559 That's Noreen, she usually comes on holiday with her son 140 00:09:01,647 --> 00:09:03,603 but he's obviously grown out of all that. 141 00:09:03,687 --> 00:09:06,201 How old was he? -About 46. 142 00:09:06,447 --> 00:09:07,880 Well, it looks like Noreen's 143 00:09:07,967 --> 00:09:10,640 found herself a rather forceful young lady friend. 144 00:09:10,727 --> 00:09:12,399 It must be her daughter. 145 00:09:12,487 --> 00:09:15,604 Yeah, right. Have you never seen The Killing of Sister George? 146 00:09:16,087 --> 00:09:17,679 By the end of this holiday them two 147 00:09:17,767 --> 00:09:20,156 will be dressing like Laurel and Hardy and smoking cigars. 148 00:09:22,127 --> 00:09:23,958 You texting Troy? -Yes. 149 00:09:24,567 --> 00:09:27,001 Funny isn't it, he's sitting by his father's deathbed 150 00:09:27,087 --> 00:09:29,157 and you're on holiday slapping on the factor 20 151 00:09:29,247 --> 00:09:30,965 and knocking back the sangrias. 152 00:09:31,287 --> 00:09:33,517 And what do you mean by that? -I don't mean anything by it. 153 00:09:33,607 --> 00:09:35,199 The only reason I agreed to proceed with this holiday 154 00:09:35,287 --> 00:09:38,165 is because I don't know Troy's father. I would just be in the way. 155 00:09:38,247 --> 00:09:40,966 Yeah, absolutely. -Troy hardly knows his father. 156 00:09:41,087 --> 00:09:43,476 It's a very difficult situation. -I hear you, sister. 157 00:09:43,607 --> 00:09:45,996 And if I may remind you, the only reason you are on this holiday 158 00:09:46,127 --> 00:09:48,687 is because Troy was generous enough to let you take his place. 159 00:09:48,767 --> 00:09:49,802 Oh, he was. 160 00:09:51,167 --> 00:09:52,520 Hola. New menus. 161 00:09:52,607 --> 00:09:56,236 Oh, ta. Just about due a nose bag. -Thank you. 162 00:09:56,647 --> 00:09:57,966 What is ''nose bag''? 163 00:09:59,047 --> 00:10:01,641 It's what they put on a horse when he has his dinner. 164 00:10:01,727 --> 00:10:05,322 Ah, like bag with food for the horse. -That's right. 165 00:10:05,407 --> 00:10:06,396 A ''nose bag''. 166 00:10:08,447 --> 00:10:11,883 I like this. See anything you like? 167 00:10:12,647 --> 00:10:15,366 Oh, yes. -He means on the menu. 168 00:10:15,847 --> 00:10:19,601 Oh, right. Em, I'll have the steak, please. 169 00:10:20,167 --> 00:10:22,840 Very rare. Just a faint pulse. 170 00:10:23,887 --> 00:10:26,765 And for you? -There's absolutely nothing I can have. 171 00:10:26,847 --> 00:10:28,678 He's on a diet. 172 00:10:28,767 --> 00:10:31,042 Green salad with the dressing on the side. 173 00:10:31,127 --> 00:10:33,516 So, that's a rare steak for one hungry horse 174 00:10:33,607 --> 00:10:35,802 and dry salad for one starving cow. 175 00:10:37,447 --> 00:10:39,915 Gracias. -De nada. 176 00:10:40,407 --> 00:10:41,681 Ooh! 177 00:10:42,287 --> 00:10:44,960 I think he needs one of my special back rubs. 178 00:10:45,607 --> 00:10:48,883 You're probably the only breathing thing here he hasn't been with. 179 00:10:48,967 --> 00:10:51,925 What, even you? -Certainly not! 180 00:10:52,887 --> 00:10:54,684 Just about everyone else, though. 181 00:10:54,767 --> 00:10:56,166 Oh, I'm not bothered. 182 00:10:56,247 --> 00:10:59,239 When it comes to sloppy seconds, I don't mind bringing up the rear. 183 00:11:10,567 --> 00:11:13,559 Oh, sorry, love, these sunbeds belong to someone. 184 00:11:13,647 --> 00:11:16,639 I think we've got somebody's sunbeds. 185 00:11:16,727 --> 00:11:19,639 Hello, love. I'm sorry are these yours? 186 00:11:19,727 --> 00:11:22,287 There are no towels here. These are free. 187 00:11:22,367 --> 00:11:24,597 I've just told you they're not free. 188 00:11:25,967 --> 00:11:30,085 Oi, what do you think you're doing? I've just said these are our sunbeds. 189 00:11:33,047 --> 00:11:35,356 Come on, let's have you. -Did you just touch me? 190 00:11:35,447 --> 00:11:38,519 Did you just touch me? -What's wrong with her? 191 00:11:38,687 --> 00:11:41,997 No, I never went near you, I just want our sunbeds back. 192 00:11:43,527 --> 00:11:45,279 Come on. Right. 193 00:11:48,047 --> 00:11:51,119 No, I'm not giving it you! 194 00:11:51,967 --> 00:11:55,243 I'm not giving it to you. -What's going on? 195 00:12:00,327 --> 00:12:01,726 I'm not giving it to her. 196 00:12:07,447 --> 00:12:11,235 So, this Lesley - Les thing, why do you do it? 197 00:12:11,367 --> 00:12:13,562 I've never really thought about it. 198 00:12:13,647 --> 00:12:17,242 Are you two different people? -Well, kind of. 199 00:12:17,887 --> 00:12:19,525 It's hard to explain. -I mean, 200 00:12:20,327 --> 00:12:23,603 you are not like a vampire or werewolf? 201 00:12:23,687 --> 00:12:28,044 When you change you still have your pee-pee, yes? 202 00:12:28,567 --> 00:12:31,035 All right, Dumb and Dumber, let's get the bar cleaned up. 203 00:12:31,127 --> 00:12:33,960 I've done all the mixers this morning, I've cleaned out the drinks machine 204 00:12:34,047 --> 00:12:37,119 and I've topped up all the spirits. -And what have you done? 205 00:12:38,447 --> 00:12:42,042 Don't worry, I know. Buffed your nails, done your hair, 206 00:12:42,127 --> 00:12:44,277 flicked through a copy of American Vogue. 207 00:12:44,367 --> 00:12:45,356 Yeah. 208 00:12:45,447 --> 00:12:48,996 Honestly, sometimes it's difficult to tell which one's on the change. 209 00:12:51,087 --> 00:12:53,476 Why do you do all these things and make me look bad? 210 00:12:53,567 --> 00:12:56,127 If a pattern emerges, look to yourself. 211 00:12:56,487 --> 00:12:57,840 I don't know what that means. 212 00:12:57,927 --> 00:13:02,478 Look, if I look after my side of things and you look after yours, 213 00:13:02,567 --> 00:13:04,842 everybody will get on champion, young 'un. 214 00:13:05,487 --> 00:13:06,476 Really... 215 00:13:08,807 --> 00:13:10,001 That's what you think. 216 00:13:15,727 --> 00:13:18,878 One large Honky Tonk and one regular Witch's Tit. 217 00:13:18,967 --> 00:13:20,844 Lovely! -Thank you, Lesley. 218 00:13:20,927 --> 00:13:24,203 How are the new cocktails going down? -Oh, champion, man, champion. 219 00:13:24,287 --> 00:13:26,005 The kids can't get enough of them. 220 00:13:26,087 --> 00:13:29,796 I think it's the funny names they like, you know. 221 00:13:29,887 --> 00:13:30,956 I'll see you later. 222 00:13:31,687 --> 00:13:34,679 Oh, hello, are these seats free? 223 00:13:34,767 --> 00:13:37,600 Absolutely, grab some plastic! 224 00:13:37,687 --> 00:13:41,202 It's Don, isn't it? -Donald and Jacqueline. 225 00:13:41,287 --> 00:13:42,766 You remember Noreen? 226 00:13:42,847 --> 00:13:44,758 Hello again. -Hello! 227 00:13:44,847 --> 00:13:48,123 This is my daughter, Pauline. -Great to meet you! 228 00:13:49,567 --> 00:13:52,445 It's very hot. -Oh, you've hit high season, all right. 229 00:13:52,527 --> 00:13:56,122 Do what we do. Drink plenty of liquids and sleep in the nude. 230 00:13:57,407 --> 00:13:59,557 I don't think I shall be sleeping in the nude. 231 00:13:59,647 --> 00:14:00,966 I've seen the bedding. 232 00:14:01,047 --> 00:14:03,481 Ooh, you sound foreign. 233 00:14:04,287 --> 00:14:07,484 Pauline lived in South Africa for 1 0 years, 234 00:14:07,567 --> 00:14:10,957 now she's in Dubai. We're having this holiday 235 00:14:11,047 --> 00:14:15,484 to catch up before she moves back properly to the UK. 236 00:14:15,567 --> 00:14:18,479 Oh, lovely. Do you like it here? 237 00:14:18,567 --> 00:14:21,081 Not really, what I've seen of it so far. 238 00:14:21,167 --> 00:14:24,716 We asked for a low-level apartment, they've put us on the 1 1 th floor. 239 00:14:25,207 --> 00:14:29,200 We're the same, we're on the top floor and I have no head for heights. 240 00:14:29,287 --> 00:14:32,279 Plus Donald sleepwalks, as well. 241 00:14:32,687 --> 00:14:35,360 We had a siesta yesterday afternoon 242 00:14:35,447 --> 00:14:39,884 and he stumbled out onto the balcony, still asleep, 243 00:14:39,967 --> 00:14:44,006 climbed over it and sat right on the edge. 244 00:14:44,247 --> 00:14:46,397 He was swinging backwards and forwards 245 00:14:46,487 --> 00:14:48,955 and you could see people down below 246 00:14:49,047 --> 00:14:51,959 terrified he was going to toss himself off. 247 00:15:00,207 --> 00:15:03,005 We could have a walk into Benidorm if you wanted. 248 00:15:03,487 --> 00:15:05,557 I think that's a good idea. 249 00:15:06,087 --> 00:15:08,282 We'll see you later, bye-bye. 250 00:15:12,087 --> 00:15:14,362 Handsome woman. -Oh, yeah. 251 00:15:14,447 --> 00:15:18,998 Right, we've got work to do. -Oh, yeah! 252 00:15:23,927 --> 00:15:25,804 What are they doing? 253 00:15:28,007 --> 00:15:31,044 It doesn't bear thinking about. And make sure you don't ask them, either. 254 00:15:31,127 --> 00:15:33,482 If you show the remotest interest in them, next thing you know 255 00:15:33,567 --> 00:15:36,240 you'll be dangling upside down from a crucifix wearing a rubber corset. 256 00:15:36,327 --> 00:15:37,396 Wouldn't be the first time. 257 00:15:37,487 --> 00:15:40,763 Right. Who's the Virgin Mary? -That'll be me. 258 00:15:40,847 --> 00:15:43,236 Then you must be the Angry Dwarf. 259 00:15:43,447 --> 00:15:45,642 I ordered it for you. It's supposed to be quite nice. 260 00:15:45,727 --> 00:15:47,080 So, are you boys enjoying your holiday? 261 00:15:47,167 --> 00:15:49,920 I've been before, so it's not so much enjoying, more tolerating. 262 00:15:50,007 --> 00:15:53,317 Hey, you'll not get a better all-inclusive than this, you know, 263 00:15:53,407 --> 00:15:55,637 plus we've got the best pool in Benidorm. 264 00:15:55,727 --> 00:15:57,399 He's only joking. This is his fourth time. 265 00:15:57,487 --> 00:16:00,081 You must be doing something right. -But you're new here. 266 00:16:00,167 --> 00:16:02,123 Oh, aye, aye, it's me first week. 267 00:16:02,207 --> 00:16:04,437 They decided it was time for a bit of fresh meat. 268 00:16:04,967 --> 00:16:07,401 Any cheesy nibbles for you? -Not for me thanks. 269 00:16:07,887 --> 00:16:10,845 Gavin, would you like to try Lesley's cheesy nibbles? 270 00:16:11,167 --> 00:16:13,556 Oddly enough, no. -Gavin's on a diet. 271 00:16:13,647 --> 00:16:16,081 Ah, I know what you mean, I used to struggle with my weight. 272 00:16:16,167 --> 00:16:17,156 Used to? 273 00:16:17,247 --> 00:16:19,966 But for some reason, when I hit 40 last year, 274 00:16:20,047 --> 00:16:22,436 the weight just fell off, and ever since then, 275 00:16:22,527 --> 00:16:24,995 I've been lucky enough to maintain me schoolgirl figure. 276 00:16:25,807 --> 00:16:26,796 Aye. 277 00:16:27,767 --> 00:16:29,246 I'll see youse later. 278 00:16:29,367 --> 00:16:30,720 Isn't that one of those schoolgirl figures 279 00:16:30,807 --> 00:16:32,399 Jamie Oliver keeps campaigning against? 280 00:16:32,487 --> 00:16:34,478 Ooh, top form. 281 00:16:37,447 --> 00:16:39,722 Right, Mam, let's be having you. 282 00:16:39,807 --> 00:16:42,275 What do I want to go to a water park for? 283 00:16:42,367 --> 00:16:44,039 Ah, you know you want to, 284 00:16:44,127 --> 00:16:46,561 I can just see you coming down one of them big slides on your scooter. 285 00:16:46,647 --> 00:16:50,401 I thought we agreed we were all going? -Well, I've changed me mind. 286 00:16:50,567 --> 00:16:54,116 Oh. Well, all right, we'll go later in the week. 287 00:16:54,207 --> 00:16:57,040 Oh, Nana! Please, please, please, I really wanted to go today. 288 00:16:57,127 --> 00:17:00,278 To be honest, I just want to spend a bit of time on me own. 289 00:17:00,367 --> 00:17:01,561 A bit of time on your own? 290 00:17:01,647 --> 00:17:03,558 You've been here on your tod for the last six months. 291 00:17:03,647 --> 00:17:06,719 And that's how I like it. You go. 292 00:17:06,807 --> 00:17:09,799 It'll give me chance to get a few bits from the indoor market. 293 00:17:09,887 --> 00:17:13,243 Well, we'll only be a couple of hours. See you later, Mam. 294 00:17:15,967 --> 00:17:18,800 Nana, I've got the money I saved up for me holiday, 295 00:17:18,887 --> 00:17:21,276 but it's all inclusive so I don't really need it. 296 00:17:21,367 --> 00:17:25,883 I don't want your money, darling, you go and enjoy yourself, you... 297 00:17:26,967 --> 00:17:31,119 Jesus! How much is there? -About 200 euros. 298 00:17:32,567 --> 00:17:35,081 Tell you what, you give me that to look after 299 00:17:35,167 --> 00:17:37,635 and if I see anything nice, I'll get it for you. 300 00:17:37,727 --> 00:17:39,718 All right. See you later. 301 00:17:42,287 --> 00:17:47,407 Another coffee, Mrs H? -No, I'm off to get me hair done. 302 00:18:09,447 --> 00:18:11,722 Hurry up, come on. I want to get in the water. 303 00:18:11,807 --> 00:18:13,798 Hold your horses, your mother wants a lolly. 304 00:18:13,887 --> 00:18:15,479 Do you not want an ice cream, Michael? 305 00:18:15,567 --> 00:18:17,364 I'm not bothered, I just want to get in. 306 00:18:17,447 --> 00:18:19,677 Yeah, well you can only go in with a responsible adult. 307 00:18:19,767 --> 00:18:22,201 Ah, don't say that, I wanted to go in with me dad. 308 00:18:22,287 --> 00:18:25,006 Well, hey! He's learning! 309 00:18:26,087 --> 00:18:27,884 Oh, come on, what's the hold up? 310 00:18:28,087 --> 00:18:30,442 All the lollies will be out of date by the time we get to the front. 311 00:18:30,527 --> 00:18:34,998 No, look at the one I'm pointing to, that is not mint choc chip. 312 00:18:35,087 --> 00:18:37,555 What you are showing me is mint choc chip. 313 00:18:38,127 --> 00:18:41,676 Why don't you have another one of them slush drinks? 314 00:18:41,767 --> 00:18:45,362 I don't want another slush drink, the last one gave me brain freeze. 315 00:18:45,447 --> 00:18:48,644 Oh, like Walt Disney? -What? 316 00:18:48,727 --> 00:18:51,195 Didn't he have his brain frozen 317 00:18:51,287 --> 00:18:55,439 in case they found out how to bring people back to life? 318 00:18:56,567 --> 00:18:58,285 I don't know what you're talking about. 319 00:18:58,367 --> 00:19:01,200 Excuse me, there are people back here spitting feathers. 320 00:19:01,287 --> 00:19:05,758 Oh, it's you, I might have guessed. -She's just choosing an ice cream. 321 00:19:05,847 --> 00:19:10,523 This is a queue, I'm at the front of it, you're at the back of it, deal with it. 322 00:19:10,607 --> 00:19:12,598 Bloody hell, did she keep the receipt from the charm school? 323 00:19:12,687 --> 00:19:14,086 The more you're breathing down my neck 324 00:19:14,167 --> 00:19:15,600 the longer it's going to take me to decide, 325 00:19:15,687 --> 00:19:16,915 you do understand that, don't you? 326 00:19:17,007 --> 00:19:20,044 She doesn't want a slush because it freezes her brain. 327 00:19:20,127 --> 00:19:21,845 Can't you get one that freezes her gob? 328 00:19:21,927 --> 00:19:25,681 Oh, come on, I'm not bothered about a lolly, we'll get one later. 329 00:19:26,087 --> 00:19:27,122 Oh, hello. 330 00:19:27,207 --> 00:19:30,882 Why don't we get you a lolly when we get ours? 331 00:19:30,967 --> 00:19:32,605 Because the park shuts at 7:00, 332 00:19:32,687 --> 00:19:34,484 and the way she's pissing about, we'll still be stood here. 333 00:19:34,567 --> 00:19:38,082 Do you mind? I don't take kindly to that kind of language. 334 00:19:38,487 --> 00:19:40,842 Here you are, Mum. -Hey, where did you get them? 335 00:19:40,927 --> 00:19:43,680 There's another shop round the corner. There's no queue. 336 00:19:51,047 --> 00:19:54,244 Wait, what are you doing? You can't... 337 00:19:55,407 --> 00:19:56,886 See you later! 338 00:20:14,367 --> 00:20:16,835 Hola. -Hello, love. 339 00:20:23,127 --> 00:20:25,243 I'm all right for a drink, thank you. 340 00:20:25,767 --> 00:20:27,962 I am sorry to hear about your husband. 341 00:20:28,887 --> 00:20:32,721 He was a good man. -Yes. He was a good man. 342 00:20:35,687 --> 00:20:37,917 I remember your wedding on the beach. 343 00:20:38,327 --> 00:20:40,522 Beautiful day. -Yeah... 344 00:20:42,167 --> 00:20:44,806 When the fat man drop-kicked him from the parachute, 345 00:20:45,407 --> 00:20:47,477 I thought it was all over for Senor Harvey then. 346 00:20:47,567 --> 00:20:51,003 No, he was made of stern stuff. 347 00:20:53,047 --> 00:20:56,039 Do you remember the morning he nearly drowned in the pool? 348 00:20:56,127 --> 00:21:00,643 I think this was the day before he was almost killed by an electric juicer. 349 00:21:00,727 --> 00:21:02,604 He had his scrapes, I'll give you that. 350 00:21:03,887 --> 00:21:05,798 And that time he was nearly barbequed 351 00:21:05,887 --> 00:21:07,923 when his mobility shop burnt to the ground. 352 00:21:08,007 --> 00:21:10,680 All right, just fuck off now. 353 00:21:14,007 --> 00:21:17,841 I was just, how do you say, reminiscing. 354 00:21:17,927 --> 00:21:20,282 Really, well, 355 00:21:20,927 --> 00:21:23,805 if you don't frig off, people around here will be reminiscing 356 00:21:23,887 --> 00:21:27,482 about that waiter who got run over by an electric scooter. 357 00:21:45,407 --> 00:21:46,999 So you're finding your feet, then? 358 00:21:47,087 --> 00:21:50,204 Oh, yeah, certainly beats being on my hands and knees all day. 359 00:21:51,807 --> 00:21:53,957 What did you do before you started here? 360 00:21:55,207 --> 00:21:56,435 Actually, I don't want to know. 361 00:21:56,527 --> 00:21:58,597 Right, there's a time to chat and a time to work. 362 00:21:58,687 --> 00:22:00,040 Now's the time to work! 363 00:22:05,567 --> 00:22:07,876 You could do with taking a leaf out of his book. 364 00:22:08,207 --> 00:22:10,926 Whatever book he has, I do not want to read it. 365 00:22:11,007 --> 00:22:13,316 It means you should be more like him. 366 00:22:14,007 --> 00:22:16,077 You want me to come to work dressed like this? 367 00:22:16,167 --> 00:22:17,156 You know what I mean. 368 00:22:18,727 --> 00:22:20,683 So you have not been hearing the complaints? 369 00:22:21,047 --> 00:22:22,639 What complaints? 370 00:22:22,727 --> 00:22:26,606 Some of the parents of the children, they are concerned. 371 00:22:26,687 --> 00:22:28,882 Concerned? About a fella dressed up as a woman? 372 00:22:29,687 --> 00:22:31,643 Have they never taken their kids to a pantomime? 373 00:22:31,727 --> 00:22:34,116 Oh, I tell you what, it's all go today! 374 00:22:36,607 --> 00:22:39,838 Are you sure this just isn't you trying to have a go at him? 375 00:22:40,007 --> 00:22:41,042 Why would I do this? 376 00:22:41,127 --> 00:22:45,200 He does all the work, I look after the bar, we are a good team. 377 00:22:45,567 --> 00:22:48,843 It's just, the scary look is making little children cry. 378 00:22:49,807 --> 00:22:51,718 This cannot be a good thing. 379 00:22:53,567 --> 00:22:57,924 Okay, leave it with me. Can't have people complaining. 380 00:22:58,887 --> 00:23:01,037 I'll tell him he can't come dressed as Lesley no more. 381 00:23:01,527 --> 00:23:04,883 I think this is the best. -Yeah, right. 382 00:23:05,607 --> 00:23:08,326 Anyway, get this bar cleaned up. -Yes, Janey. 383 00:23:11,847 --> 00:23:13,485 Adiós, Lesley. 384 00:23:17,687 --> 00:23:22,602 Okay, balls are in short supply, so you'll have to go gentle with me. 385 00:23:22,687 --> 00:23:24,678 Oh, that sounds like fun. Can we watch? 386 00:23:24,767 --> 00:23:29,079 Why don't you join in? -Absolutely. How about mixed doubles? 387 00:23:29,567 --> 00:23:30,795 What do you think, Gavin? 388 00:23:30,887 --> 00:23:32,559 I think it's safe to say with us four at the table, 389 00:23:32,647 --> 00:23:34,399 doubles have never been so mixed. 390 00:23:34,487 --> 00:23:36,478 Smashing, I'll go get the other two bats. 391 00:23:36,567 --> 00:23:38,797 And I'll get the drinks. -Perfect! 392 00:23:40,047 --> 00:23:43,960 I'm afraid you'll have to go easy on me. I'm not a natural sportsman. 393 00:23:44,087 --> 00:23:47,636 I've always been good at sports, I don't know why. 394 00:23:47,727 --> 00:23:50,844 Anything with balls and you can't keep me off it. 395 00:23:50,927 --> 00:23:54,363 You don't say. -Any word on Troy's dad? 396 00:23:54,447 --> 00:23:56,642 I spoke to Troy this morning. He's stable. 397 00:23:56,727 --> 00:23:58,877 I think if his condition doesn't deteriorate, 398 00:23:59,007 --> 00:24:01,077 Troy will come out for the second week of our holiday. 399 00:24:01,167 --> 00:24:04,318 Oh, lovely, then it'll be the three of you! 400 00:24:04,407 --> 00:24:07,080 Makes it a bit more exciting, doesn't it? 401 00:24:07,247 --> 00:24:11,160 Well, no, Kenneth works for us in our salon, so he'll be going back. 402 00:24:11,247 --> 00:24:16,162 Oh, I see. I had a Saturday job in a hair salon when I was at school. 403 00:24:16,247 --> 00:24:18,044 Oh, really? -Yeah. 404 00:24:18,647 --> 00:24:23,038 Well, I say hair salon, it was more of a beauty parlour. 405 00:24:24,007 --> 00:24:28,956 Well, I say beauty parlour, it was more of a massage parlour. 406 00:24:30,047 --> 00:24:33,039 Well, I say massage parlour, it was more of a... 407 00:24:33,127 --> 00:24:35,163 Yes, I think I understand. 408 00:24:35,767 --> 00:24:40,522 Here you are, a pre-match warm-up and oranges for half-time, 409 00:24:40,647 --> 00:24:44,083 albeit with a double vodka in them. -Oooh, I love shots! 410 00:24:44,687 --> 00:24:47,520 What is this? -Dunno, but it was free. 411 00:24:48,647 --> 00:24:50,126 Oh! 412 00:24:55,247 --> 00:24:57,761 It's like that game they had when we were kids. 413 00:24:57,847 --> 00:24:59,166 Hungry Hippos? 414 00:24:59,247 --> 00:25:01,841 No, that long bird who used to dip her head into the glass. 415 00:25:01,927 --> 00:25:03,724 I don't think we need to bring your mother into this. 416 00:25:06,487 --> 00:25:09,160 Right! Game on! 417 00:25:09,247 --> 00:25:12,842 Gavin was saying you work for him at the hair salon. 418 00:25:13,287 --> 00:25:15,164 Well, I like to think I work with him. 419 00:25:15,247 --> 00:25:18,239 He likes to think that, but he actually works for me. 420 00:25:18,527 --> 00:25:21,166 Shall we serve? -Why not. 421 00:25:23,127 --> 00:25:26,563 Ow! -Oh, sorry, are you all right? 422 00:25:26,847 --> 00:25:30,123 Apart from ping pong ball embedded in me stomach, yeah, fine. 423 00:25:30,687 --> 00:25:35,477 Right, Bob Marley. One Love. - Very good! 424 00:25:35,767 --> 00:25:38,076 Who is it? -Bob Marley, One Love. 425 00:25:38,167 --> 00:25:41,239 Oh, is it winner stays on? -What you talking about? 426 00:25:41,367 --> 00:25:44,040 This Bob fella, is he on next? 427 00:25:44,407 --> 00:25:47,080 No, Bob Marley sang a song called One Love. 428 00:25:47,207 --> 00:25:49,402 Did he? Oh, lovely. 429 00:25:49,847 --> 00:25:52,566 Right, so what's the score then? 430 00:25:52,647 --> 00:25:53,921 One-love! 431 00:25:54,247 --> 00:25:56,681 Oh, yeah. Right, 432 00:25:56,767 --> 00:25:59,918 my serve again, here we go. 433 00:26:13,407 --> 00:26:16,558 Look, we may go and sit down, catch the last couple hours of sun. 434 00:26:16,647 --> 00:26:18,683 All right, no problem! 435 00:26:18,767 --> 00:26:21,884 We'll see you later. -Oh, yes, see you later! 436 00:26:31,127 --> 00:26:35,006 No way, absolutely no way. -Oh, come on. 437 00:26:35,087 --> 00:26:38,159 Remember when you used that bidet in the hotel at your Cheryl's wedding. 438 00:26:38,247 --> 00:26:41,557 Well, it's just like, that except you're moving instead of the water! 439 00:26:43,047 --> 00:26:45,607 Get lost! -Come on, Mum, it'll be brilliant! 440 00:26:45,687 --> 00:26:47,643 I tell you what, you and your dad go down it 441 00:26:47,727 --> 00:26:49,080 and I'll take your picture at the bottom. 442 00:26:49,167 --> 00:26:50,316 They take your picture anyway. 443 00:26:50,407 --> 00:26:52,716 There you go, they take your picture anyway. 444 00:26:53,487 --> 00:26:56,206 You have to pay for it, but it's a big one in a frame. 445 00:26:56,767 --> 00:26:59,076 No, your mother's right, she should stay here. 446 00:26:59,687 --> 00:27:01,882 Well, we need someone to look after our stuff, anyway. 447 00:27:01,967 --> 00:27:03,559 Go on, hurry up. 448 00:27:04,807 --> 00:27:07,640 Hello, again. -Oh, hiya. 449 00:27:07,727 --> 00:27:10,082 Did you manage to get an ice cream? -Oh, yes. 450 00:27:10,167 --> 00:27:14,558 finished up queuing for half an hour, but it's all part of the fun, isn't it? 451 00:27:14,647 --> 00:27:16,126 Yeah, I suppose so. 452 00:27:16,207 --> 00:27:20,837 You haven't seen me daughter, have you? We seem to have got separated. 453 00:27:20,927 --> 00:27:22,076 Oh, no, I haven't. 454 00:27:22,167 --> 00:27:26,240 I know I shouldn't worry, she's not a kiddie anymore, 455 00:27:26,327 --> 00:27:28,522 she was 40 last week. 456 00:27:28,847 --> 00:27:31,680 Have you not thought about getting them to make an announcement? 457 00:27:31,807 --> 00:27:35,766 No, she doesn't like to make a fuss. She didn't even want a party. 458 00:27:36,487 --> 00:27:38,284 I don't mean about her being 40, 459 00:27:38,367 --> 00:27:40,278 I meant an announcement about her being lost. 460 00:27:40,367 --> 00:27:43,837 I'll give her another 1 0 minutes. You know what kids are like. 461 00:27:43,927 --> 00:27:44,996 Yeah. 462 00:27:46,807 --> 00:27:48,035 Have you heard from Geoff and Chantelle? 463 00:27:48,487 --> 00:27:50,842 Oh, yes, I speak to Geoff every day. 464 00:27:50,927 --> 00:27:54,158 Well, I don't actually speak to him, 465 00:27:54,247 --> 00:27:59,241 I send him messages on his mobile phone. He's got all the gadgets. 466 00:27:59,327 --> 00:28:04,003 Oh, yeah. I spoke to Telle yesterday... -Are you on Twitter? 467 00:28:04,287 --> 00:28:05,925 Am I on what? -Twitter? 468 00:28:06,487 --> 00:28:10,321 It's like e-mail only a bit more hit and miss. 469 00:28:10,847 --> 00:28:12,917 Oh, no, not really. 470 00:28:13,007 --> 00:28:16,841 I tried texting but me phone keeps trying to finish me sentences for me. 471 00:28:17,807 --> 00:28:20,275 Well, on Twitter, 472 00:28:20,367 --> 00:28:25,805 if you follow someone, you can send them a message and they usually answer, 473 00:28:25,887 --> 00:28:29,084 unless they're famous, then they don't usually bother. 474 00:28:29,367 --> 00:28:33,963 Mind you, I was following Bill Oddie for weeks 475 00:28:34,047 --> 00:28:36,561 but it turned out it wasn't him. 476 00:28:37,087 --> 00:28:42,400 It were a psychiatric patient in Eastbourne pretending to be Bill Oddie. 477 00:28:42,487 --> 00:28:44,318 He certainly had me fooled. 478 00:28:50,087 --> 00:28:52,965 All right, we're not pushing in, just having a look. 479 00:28:54,007 --> 00:28:56,316 Oh, come on, what's going on? 480 00:28:56,407 --> 00:28:58,637 Oh, bloody hell, not you again. 481 00:28:59,887 --> 00:29:02,276 Vamos, vamos, que hay gente esperando, rapido. 482 00:29:02,367 --> 00:29:04,164 Tell her I'll do it in my own time. 483 00:29:04,247 --> 00:29:06,636 How can I tell her? I don't speak the bloody lingo. 484 00:29:06,807 --> 00:29:09,605 I'm not ready to do it yet. -Well, stand over there, then. 485 00:29:09,967 --> 00:29:11,241 But then I might not do it at all. 486 00:29:11,327 --> 00:29:13,841 Oh, for Christ sake you're going down a bloody slide, 487 00:29:13,927 --> 00:29:15,838 not being pushed out a 74 7. 488 00:29:16,447 --> 00:29:19,007 A what? -74 7, it's an aeroplane. 489 00:29:19,087 --> 00:29:22,841 Oh, great, now you're making me even more nervous talking about aeroplanes. 490 00:29:22,927 --> 00:29:25,999 There's nothing to be nervous about, just get out of the way! 491 00:29:26,087 --> 00:29:27,998 No. -Yes. Yes. No, get off... 492 00:29:28,087 --> 00:29:29,998 If you don't... 493 00:29:32,127 --> 00:29:34,163 Well, they're taking their time. 494 00:29:34,287 --> 00:29:37,245 Are you waiting for someone to come down the slide? 495 00:29:37,967 --> 00:29:40,720 Yeah. -Oh, anybody I know? 496 00:29:41,687 --> 00:29:44,838 Me son and me husband. -Oh, lovely! 497 00:29:46,807 --> 00:29:52,723 Somebody's making a right carry on at the top. Can you hear them? 498 00:29:53,887 --> 00:29:57,880 That would have been me shouting like that if they'd got me up there. 499 00:29:58,967 --> 00:30:03,085 Not that they would. I don't like heights. 500 00:30:03,287 --> 00:30:08,156 Or water. I'm not that keen on the sun, to be honest. 501 00:30:12,407 --> 00:30:15,717 Oh, heck, that doesn't sound too good! 502 00:30:27,087 --> 00:30:29,681 What's going on? -It was her! 503 00:30:29,767 --> 00:30:31,598 She wouldn't come down on her own! 504 00:30:31,687 --> 00:30:33,359 What? So you thought you'd get in it with her? 505 00:30:33,487 --> 00:30:36,240 No! She rammed it over me head and pushed me down. 506 00:30:36,367 --> 00:30:37,925 Will you shut up! 507 00:30:38,007 --> 00:30:41,283 My knickers! I lost my knickers on the way down! 508 00:30:41,367 --> 00:30:43,801 Her knickers? -No. No! 509 00:30:44,127 --> 00:30:46,846 I think she means her bikini bottoms. 510 00:30:46,927 --> 00:30:50,522 Get out of that rubber ring now! -I'm trying to! 511 00:30:56,967 --> 00:30:59,242 I can't see! Mum, I can't see! 512 00:31:04,087 --> 00:31:09,798 Oh, I don't know, they're into everything at that age, aren't they? 513 00:31:22,727 --> 00:31:25,878 Why are we walking on the beach? I'm getting sand in my camel toe. 514 00:31:25,967 --> 00:31:28,162 Shut up moaning, we're nearly there. 515 00:31:28,887 --> 00:31:30,878 Why are we walking on the sand? 516 00:31:31,007 --> 00:31:34,886 I thought it would be romantic. -Oh, right. 517 00:31:36,167 --> 00:31:40,445 Listen, why don't we go back to my apartment, 518 00:31:40,527 --> 00:31:42,597 it'll be empty for another couple of hours. 519 00:31:42,687 --> 00:31:46,726 Listen, Liam, I think you're a really nice guy but... 520 00:31:46,807 --> 00:31:49,844 But what? I thought you said you liked me. 521 00:31:49,927 --> 00:31:52,077 Well, I think you're really funny. 522 00:31:52,167 --> 00:31:55,125 Yeah, a lot of me mates say that. 523 00:31:55,927 --> 00:31:56,916 Oh! 524 00:31:57,047 --> 00:32:01,723 Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, careful. Oh! 525 00:32:01,807 --> 00:32:05,686 Aw, it was just a matter of time until you two crazy kids got together. 526 00:32:06,607 --> 00:32:08,165 You look so sweet. 527 00:32:08,247 --> 00:32:10,078 It reminds me of my cousin, Lee-Anne. 528 00:32:10,167 --> 00:32:12,761 She's got a son with learning difficulties, as well. 529 00:32:13,647 --> 00:32:15,603 Come on! I need a vodka! 530 00:32:32,207 --> 00:32:34,926 ♪ Here you come again 531 00:32:36,207 --> 00:32:40,086 ♪ Lookin' better than a body has a right to ♪ 532 00:32:40,647 --> 00:32:44,037 All I'm saying is, it was a genuine misunderstanding. 533 00:32:44,167 --> 00:32:45,316 Yeah, all right, no problem. 534 00:32:45,407 --> 00:32:47,079 Now will you just sit down and leave us alone? 535 00:32:47,167 --> 00:32:50,603 I feel I owe some sort of apology to your wife. 536 00:32:50,687 --> 00:32:51,722 You don't wanna do that. 537 00:32:52,247 --> 00:32:55,842 Seriously, I'll feel terrible if I don't come over and speak to her. 538 00:32:55,967 --> 00:32:58,117 Believe me, you'll feel a hell of a lot worse if you do. 539 00:32:58,207 --> 00:32:59,845 ♪ Here I go 540 00:33:01,887 --> 00:33:03,525 ♪ Here I go ♪ 541 00:33:03,927 --> 00:33:05,042 Mick! 542 00:33:07,487 --> 00:33:12,959 ♪ Here you come again Here I go ♪ 543 00:33:16,687 --> 00:33:19,918 Come on, let's get sat down 544 00:33:20,007 --> 00:33:22,646 or else we won't get a table. 545 00:33:23,647 --> 00:33:26,639 You're a good-looking man. -Oh, for Christ's sake. 546 00:33:27,127 --> 00:33:28,526 Come on! 547 00:33:29,327 --> 00:33:31,761 Thank was our lovely Janice Garvey there, 548 00:33:31,847 --> 00:33:34,600 with the Dolly Parton number, Here You Come Again. 549 00:33:34,727 --> 00:33:36,922 Now, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to have a 1 0-minute interval. 550 00:33:37,007 --> 00:33:39,043 Hey! That were brilliant! -What did she want? 551 00:33:39,127 --> 00:33:43,643 She came over to apologise. Funnily enough she didn't say what for. 552 00:33:44,087 --> 00:33:46,806 Like she said, just a misunderstanding. 553 00:33:56,207 --> 00:33:58,675 Said something about Mick being a good-looking fellow. 554 00:33:58,767 --> 00:34:00,519 You what? -No, she didn't. 555 00:34:01,487 --> 00:34:03,603 By God, I don't know how you manage with just a knife and fork. 556 00:34:03,887 --> 00:34:04,876 What do you mean? 557 00:34:04,967 --> 00:34:07,356 You'd think you'd need a spoon with all the shit-stirring you do. 558 00:34:07,807 --> 00:34:12,358 Do you mind not talking about S-H-I-T? You're putting me off my curry. 559 00:34:12,807 --> 00:34:15,037 We met that woman at the water park, 560 00:34:15,127 --> 00:34:16,526 me dad got stuck in her ring 561 00:34:18,647 --> 00:34:20,205 and I ended up with her knickers on me head. 562 00:34:23,527 --> 00:34:25,199 It wasn't as bad as it sounds. 563 00:34:26,647 --> 00:34:27,966 Are you gonna eat that or just play with it? 564 00:34:28,047 --> 00:34:30,117 It's pasta, I'm not doing carbohydrates. 565 00:34:30,207 --> 00:34:31,322 So why did you order it? 566 00:34:31,407 --> 00:34:33,159 Because I thought I could pick out the chicken. 567 00:34:33,247 --> 00:34:34,475 So why aren't you picking out the chicken? 568 00:34:34,567 --> 00:34:36,637 Because it's in a cream sauce! 569 00:34:37,127 --> 00:34:38,924 You should have had this curry, it's gorgeous. 570 00:34:40,447 --> 00:34:43,405 Mind you, I have to be careful. -What do you mean? 571 00:34:43,967 --> 00:34:46,686 Let's just say I'll be putting an extra valence on that pull out bed tonight. 572 00:34:46,767 --> 00:34:49,565 The last thing you want to do is follow through after a lamb bhuna. 573 00:34:49,647 --> 00:34:52,798 Hello, boys, we forgot to ask you earlier, 574 00:34:52,887 --> 00:34:56,562 I don't suppose you've got any spare change, have you? 575 00:34:56,687 --> 00:35:00,236 Not really, why? -Oh, it's for a very good cause. 576 00:35:25,367 --> 00:35:27,597 Looks like Sam's got her hands full. 577 00:35:28,487 --> 00:35:30,318 I think it's the other way round. 578 00:35:33,407 --> 00:35:36,524 Listen, what about an ice cream on the beach? 579 00:35:36,887 --> 00:35:39,242 I don't think Sam's going anywhere. 580 00:35:42,527 --> 00:35:45,917 I didn't mean Sam, I meant me and you. 581 00:35:46,287 --> 00:35:49,677 I'm sorry, I'm not leaving my best friend here with Uncle Fester. 582 00:35:52,767 --> 00:35:56,646 It's her uncle? That's a bit weird, isn't it? 583 00:36:11,767 --> 00:36:15,282 Listen, I've been asking around about what you said. 584 00:36:15,367 --> 00:36:16,436 About what I said? 585 00:36:16,527 --> 00:36:19,087 Yeah, about Lesley frightening the kiddies and that. 586 00:36:19,807 --> 00:36:23,117 I didn't say they were frightened, I just said they were confused. 587 00:36:23,207 --> 00:36:27,246 Is it a man, a woman? Then they ask their parents strange questions. 588 00:36:27,847 --> 00:36:32,443 I say live and let live, but it's not fair on the little children. 589 00:36:32,527 --> 00:36:34,882 You're right, it's too confusing, 590 00:36:34,967 --> 00:36:37,845 that's why we're giving the poolside bar a proper theme. 591 00:36:37,927 --> 00:36:39,076 What is a theme? 592 00:36:39,207 --> 00:36:41,038 We're making it into a drag bar, 593 00:36:41,127 --> 00:36:43,322 you know, with all the men dressed as women. 594 00:36:43,407 --> 00:36:45,079 You are not bringing more like him? 595 00:36:45,167 --> 00:36:48,204 No, just you and Lesley. 596 00:36:48,647 --> 00:36:53,482 What? Janey, no! You can't do this, I will leave. 597 00:36:53,807 --> 00:36:56,560 Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that, it's been lovely working with you. 598 00:36:56,647 --> 00:36:58,000 Janey, please, I need this job. 599 00:36:58,087 --> 00:36:59,839 Then you'd better be in an hour early tomorrow. 600 00:37:00,127 --> 00:37:02,595 Why? -To practise walking in your heels. 601 00:37:04,607 --> 00:37:08,566 Janey, please, no! Janey, you can't do this, please! 602 00:37:10,327 --> 00:37:14,115 ♪ I wanna hold 'em like they do in Texas, please 603 00:37:14,207 --> 00:37:17,643 ♪ Fold 'em, let 'em hit me' raise it Baby, stay with me 604 00:37:17,727 --> 00:37:21,800 ♪ Love game intuition play the cards with Spades to start 605 00:37:21,967 --> 00:37:25,755 ♪ And after he's been hooked I'll play the one that's on his heart 606 00:37:26,287 --> 00:37:30,439 ♪ Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-e-oh-oh-oh 607 00:37:30,527 --> 00:37:33,883 ♪ I'll get him hot Show him what I've got 608 00:37:34,367 --> 00:37:38,519 ♪ Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-e-oh-oh-oh 609 00:37:38,607 --> 00:37:42,316 ♪ I'll get him hot Show him what I've got 610 00:37:42,607 --> 00:37:44,598 ♪ Can't read my Can't read my 611 00:37:44,687 --> 00:37:47,963 ♪ No, he can't read my poker face 612 00:37:50,567 --> 00:37:52,637 ♪ Can't read my Can't read my 613 00:37:52,727 --> 00:37:56,163 ♪ No, he can't read my poker face ♪ 614 00:38:12,287 --> 00:38:17,361 Listen, Natalie, I like you a lot. 615 00:38:17,687 --> 00:38:19,882 I know, you said. 616 00:38:20,367 --> 00:38:22,562 But I don't wanna pressure you, 617 00:38:23,087 --> 00:38:26,716 I mean, I've got an apartment to meself, 618 00:38:29,087 --> 00:38:31,476 but I'm just happy being in your company. 619 00:38:32,127 --> 00:38:33,321 Thank God for that. 620 00:38:33,407 --> 00:38:36,524 What? -I said, ''Okay.'' 621 00:38:44,567 --> 00:38:48,037 Time for bed. -Fantastic! 622 00:38:48,127 --> 00:38:50,482 No, I mean on my own. 623 00:38:50,567 --> 00:38:55,402 Oh, yeah, yeah, no pressure. I'll walk you back. 624 00:39:01,487 --> 00:39:04,638 Listen, I think we might go back to the Solana. 625 00:39:04,767 --> 00:39:07,520 Well, hey! I see you've found your beer goggles. 626 00:39:08,007 --> 00:39:09,440 What? -I don't blame you. 627 00:39:09,527 --> 00:39:12,803 He's thick as two short planks, but he's worth a squirt. 628 00:39:12,887 --> 00:39:16,766 No, I'm not getting off with Liam, we're just going back to the Solana! 629 00:39:17,247 --> 00:39:19,397 Are you coming? -I'm fine! 630 00:39:19,527 --> 00:39:22,883 Sam, are you sure? We can stay out with you if you want. 631 00:39:24,847 --> 00:39:26,644 Listen, I wasn't going to say owt, 632 00:39:26,727 --> 00:39:29,287 but I was going to try and lose you two at some point. 633 00:39:29,367 --> 00:39:32,439 I mean, don't get me wrong, you're lovely people, 634 00:39:32,527 --> 00:39:35,121 but you're both so fucking dull. 635 00:39:36,127 --> 00:39:39,358 Okay, well, we'll see you back there, then. 636 00:39:39,447 --> 00:39:42,359 Yeah, see you later. Whoo! 637 00:39:44,047 --> 00:39:46,845 You ready? -Absolutely. 638 00:39:50,447 --> 00:39:53,120 Hang on, I don't know if she's got a key to get in. 639 00:39:53,207 --> 00:39:55,641 Oh, she can get another one at the hotel. 640 00:39:55,727 --> 00:39:57,206 You're joking aren't you? 641 00:39:57,287 --> 00:40:00,677 She doesn't know her own name right now, let alone what room number she's in. 642 00:40:00,767 --> 00:40:01,756 One second. 643 00:40:11,527 --> 00:40:13,722 Have you got a key? -Yeah, I know! 644 00:40:14,087 --> 00:40:17,716 No, have you got a key? -Huh? 645 00:40:17,807 --> 00:40:22,039 A key, for the room! -Oh, yeah, just leave it there. 646 00:40:22,287 --> 00:40:24,482 I'm not leaving it on there, you'll forget it. 647 00:40:24,567 --> 00:40:26,125 Oh, for God's sake, I don't know why you're treating me 648 00:40:26,207 --> 00:40:27,560 like some sort of idiot! 649 00:40:37,527 --> 00:40:42,362 Oh, my God my leg, my leg. I think I've broken my leg. 650 00:40:42,887 --> 00:40:45,959 Well, don't just stand there, you fat dick, get an ambulance! 651 00:40:49,607 --> 00:40:52,917 ♪ P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face ♪ 652 00:41:00,887 --> 00:41:03,924 Thank you, I love you. I love you. I love you. Thank you. 653 00:41:05,887 --> 00:41:08,447 There you go, that was our very own Lesley 654 00:41:08,527 --> 00:41:11,485 with Lady Gaga's Poker Face, apparently. 655 00:41:11,567 --> 00:41:14,035 Now we have a real Benidorm favourite, 656 00:41:14,127 --> 00:41:18,325 the one and only Shaun Foster Conley! 657 00:41:24,447 --> 00:41:27,598 ♪ Love is like candy on a shelf 658 00:41:29,887 --> 00:41:33,402 ♪ You want to taste and help yourself ♪ 659 00:41:35,127 --> 00:41:40,042 Madge, have you got a moment? -What do you want? 660 00:41:40,127 --> 00:41:44,245 First of all, let me just say I can't imagine what you've been going through. 661 00:41:44,327 --> 00:41:45,442 What are you talking about? 662 00:41:45,527 --> 00:41:49,042 Well, you know, all your problems. 663 00:41:49,127 --> 00:41:52,358 The world at your feet and then suddenly lose your husband, 664 00:41:52,447 --> 00:41:54,403 find out he's up to his eyeballs in debt 665 00:41:54,487 --> 00:41:57,763 and be left destitute with not so much as a euro to your name. 666 00:41:57,847 --> 00:41:59,439 Are you taking the piss? 667 00:41:59,527 --> 00:42:03,361 And so, in the spirit of all that is Benidorm, 668 00:42:03,447 --> 00:42:06,041 Jacqueline and I have been taking a collection 669 00:42:06,127 --> 00:42:08,960 from the residents of the Solana throughout the day 670 00:42:09,047 --> 00:42:13,165 and raised 33 euros and 40 cents. 671 00:42:13,247 --> 00:42:16,000 And, furthermore... 672 00:42:16,087 --> 00:42:19,841 First of all, let me tell you, I am not destitute, 673 00:42:19,927 --> 00:42:22,395 I am merely between residences. 674 00:42:22,767 --> 00:42:25,122 ♪ ...that exists in the world 675 00:42:25,207 --> 00:42:28,756 ♪ Could never buy what I can give ♪ 676 00:42:29,367 --> 00:42:33,121 I don't need your pity and I certainly don't need charity. 677 00:42:33,207 --> 00:42:36,563 I'll admit, my Mel had his problems in business, 678 00:42:36,647 --> 00:42:41,038 but he taught me one valuable lesson, there's more to life than money. 679 00:42:42,087 --> 00:42:45,124 What do you think, having a cliffside villa made me happy? 680 00:42:45,207 --> 00:42:47,675 Do you think having a jacuzzi made me happy? 681 00:42:47,767 --> 00:42:50,600 Do you think being able to go shopping whenever I want 682 00:42:50,687 --> 00:42:53,520 and not worry about the cost made me happy? 683 00:42:57,287 --> 00:42:58,515 Mum. 684 00:43:00,527 --> 00:43:01,516 What was I saying? 685 00:43:03,287 --> 00:43:07,280 Oh, yeah, none of those things made me happy. 686 00:43:07,367 --> 00:43:09,722 They were nice, but they didn't make me happy. 687 00:43:11,407 --> 00:43:16,083 The one thing that made me happy was the love of a good man. 688 00:43:16,567 --> 00:43:20,446 And a piss poor collection is not going to bring him back. 689 00:43:21,087 --> 00:43:24,841 So you can stick your 33 euros where the monkey keeps his nuts. 690 00:43:25,287 --> 00:43:29,166 Well, it's not only the... -Oh, just go away! 691 00:43:29,327 --> 00:43:30,999 Why don't you give it to charity? 692 00:43:31,647 --> 00:43:34,115 Do you have a favourite charity, Madge? 693 00:43:34,647 --> 00:43:37,719 Frig the charity! You keep the money. 694 00:43:37,847 --> 00:43:39,121 Looking at the state of the pair of you, 695 00:43:39,207 --> 00:43:41,482 you obviously need it much more than I do. 696 00:43:41,607 --> 00:43:44,121 Oh, no, we couldn't do that. 697 00:43:44,207 --> 00:43:46,960 Did you hear what I said? Keep the bloody money! 698 00:43:47,047 --> 00:43:49,959 Okay, well, that's very kind of you. 699 00:43:50,247 --> 00:43:52,920 I'll get the name changed on the cheque in the morning. 700 00:43:53,007 --> 00:43:55,760 Hey, hey, hang on a minute, what cheque? 701 00:43:55,847 --> 00:43:58,566 The cash was from the collection, but I was trying to tell you, 702 00:43:58,647 --> 00:44:03,084 the Solana have also given a cheque for 500 euros. 703 00:44:03,967 --> 00:44:07,039 It's very kind of you, Madge. This is our second holiday this year 704 00:44:07,167 --> 00:44:09,237 and we're certainly feeling the pinch. 705 00:44:09,847 --> 00:44:13,123 I'll get the name changed in the morning. Enjoy the rest of your evening. 706 00:44:13,367 --> 00:44:15,005 Oh, my God. 707 00:44:15,127 --> 00:44:19,006 The pair of fat, twisting bastards, they've got my money! 708 00:44:19,487 --> 00:44:23,116 Come here, you! Come here! Come back. Come back! 709 00:44:23,447 --> 00:44:27,326 ♪ Just help yourself to my lips 710 00:44:27,407 --> 00:44:32,162 ♪ To my arms just say the word and they are yours 711 00:44:32,407 --> 00:44:35,399 ♪ Just help yourself to the love 712 00:44:35,487 --> 00:44:39,480 ♪ In my heart your smile has opened up the door ♪ 713 00:44:40,305 --> 00:44:46,860 Please rate this subtitle at %url% Help other users to choose the best subtitles