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Good afternoon. Enjoy your holiday. -Thank you.
Next please. -Buenas, you have your paper work?
No, it's under the name Noreen Maltby and Pauline Mahmoud.
Ah, yes. I remember you, the crazy lady and the fat, crazy son.
That's right, now I...
I beg your pardon?
Excuse, excuse, pardon me, do you mind?
Now, what seems to be the hold up? -Please, one crazy lady at a time.
It's all right. We're together,
one twin room under the names Maltby and Mahmoud.
I've told him once. -Where is your confirmation?
Look, young man, let's start as we mean to go on.
Each minute you're wasting here is coming out of our holiday.
Where's the manager?
That's right, we want the organ donor, not the monkey.
Eh, who are you calling a monkey? -You know what she meant,
don't be playing the racist card with me, my friend.
I've just spent four years married to a Saudi,
this is the first time I've been in the sun without a blanket on my head.
What's going on here? Mateo, get that pool bar opened.
Right, who's next?
Yes, my mother and I wish to check in, here are our passports.
We do not have our confirmation. -Oh, don't worry about that.
Half the people staying here can't even spell their own surname.
Why do I get the impression this holiday was not a good idea?
Oh, my God. This place doesn't change much does it?
It's like a Hammer House of Horror film.
Says Madge Barron, the Bride of Frankenstein.
My surname is Harvey.
I'm sure I've seen that woman somewhere before.
That was it,
she was in that programme where they all had embarrassing illnesses.
Everything downstairs had collapsed.
She had to wear five pair of knickers
to get out the house without leaving a trail.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
Looks like she's only got a couple of pairs on today.
I saw that one, that isn't her.
That woman had blotchy legs, as well, hers look all right.
Oh, do we have to?
I might have a salad today.
You don't want to have heavy when it's hot, do you?
I must have had this cozzie five years, it washes really well.
Isn't that pool a lovely blue. -Oh, for Christ's sake!
What's wrong with you?
Do we have to sit here and listen to this drivel
just 'cause none of us are allowed to mention that Lady Muck's in shit street?
Here we go! -Here we go what?
We sat all night not mentioning it, now all morning.
Not mentioning what?
You're penniless, homeless, and in debt up to your eyeballs.
Your problems aren't gonna go away just 'cause we don't talk about them!
Yes, my late husband may have made a few mistakes,
but don't you forget as you sit there with a beer in one hand
and a cig in the other, just how much he gave you
while never asking for a penny in return.
Now look what you've done! -Oh, for crying out loud!
Where are you going? -Getting a coffee.
Two sugars please. -Get it yourself.
Now there's a surprise, Mick Garvey, public enemy number one.
You all right, Michael? Do you want anything?
No, what's going on?
Your father's being a dickhead, as usual.
Oh, right.
We meet again.
Yeah, funny that. What were the odds of that happening?
What do you mean?
I mean we're both staying in the same hotel,
who'd have thought we'd run into each other again so soon.
Well, it's not that big and there's only one pool.
Yeah. That was kind of my point.
Anyway, I better go and count my flip flops.
No, wait a minute.
I was wondering if you wanted to do something tonight.
Depends what you had in mind.
Oh, you're so beautiful, I just want to grab you.
You do realise you just said that out loud.
Sorry, sometimes things just come out me mouth.
I meant, like, I once had this puppy,
I called it Keith, and I just wanted to squeeze it and squeeze it,
you know, 'cause it was so cute.
And I'm assuming Keith is no longer with us.
No, he died. -There's a surprise.
No! I didn't kill him. No, no, no, Keith died of old age.
Well, at least the story's got a happy ending.
So, do you fancy going on a date?
I promise not to squeeze you to death!
Ah, that's really sweet, Liam,
but I'm not 1 00%%% available.
Well, that's all right, I'll take the bit that is available.
That's a joke. I would prefer all of you.
She's shagging barman.
That's not true. -Which one?
I'm not... I'm not seeing anyone,
I used to go out with the barman, but I don't any more. I'm single.
The one she nearly married,
but he accidently forgot about her when she finished her holiday.
Funny that.
Sorry, I have to go and stand on my friend's neck for a bit.
So you're single then? - Yeah, I'm single.
Cool! Cool.
You really are genuinely hilarious.
Aren't I? -No.
You still haven't spoken to him, have you?
No, I haven't. And I'm not going to.
Listen, I was thinking of checking out a few clubs tonight.
Let us know how you get on.
Wondered if you fancied it?
No, 'cause it's actually us that are together, me and Natalie.
Do you know what I mean?
Oh...
Ahhh... It all makes sense now.
She's winding you up.
I thought you looked a bit dykey, but I didn't wanna say anything.
Well, you know... Listen, I'm totally cool with it,
'cause, I mean, my Dad's a transvestite, so...
So let's all have a big lesbian transvestite party.
Cool! -We're not lesbians,
I don't even like her very much.
Yeah, we'll come out with you tonight.
Er, excuse me? -What else are we gonna do?
Oh, it was a joke!
I knew you were too hot to be a rug muncher.
I'll see youse both tonight!
Seriously, you don't fancy that, do you?
Of course I don't. But he is quite funny.
''I knew you were too hot to be a rug muncher.''
It's going to be such a lovely evening.
Now, what I tend to do is get a little spot just over there,
not too far away from the bar, but...
No, no, no, the sun is too direct there.
Do you want to die of skin cancer? Is that what you want to do?
Well, not really. I tend to use a high factor cream,
plus I don't really... -No, no. This way. Come on, this way.
Oh, hello! Your other friend not with you?
No, he's had to go... -Come on!
Ooh, you know all the movers and shakers, don't you?
That's Noreen, she usually comes on holiday with her son
but he's obviously grown out of all that.
How old was he? -About 46.
Well, it looks like Noreen's
found herself a rather forceful young lady friend.
It must be her daughter.
Yeah, right. Have you never seen The Killing of Sister George?
By the end of this holiday them two
will be dressing like Laurel and Hardy and smoking cigars.
You texting Troy? -Yes.
Funny isn't it, he's sitting by his father's deathbed
and you're on holiday slapping on the factor 20
and knocking back the sangrias.
And what do you mean by that? -I don't mean anything by it.
The only reason I agreed to proceed with this holiday
is because I don't know Troy's father. I would just be in the way.
Yeah, absolutely. -Troy hardly knows his father.
It's a very difficult situation. -I hear you, sister.
And if I may remind you, the only reason you are on this holiday
is because Troy was generous enough to let you take his place.
Oh, he was.
Hola. New menus.
Oh, ta. Just about due a nose bag. -Thank you.
What is ''nose bag''?
It's what they put on a horse when he has his dinner.
Ah, like bag with food for the horse. -That's right.
A ''nose bag''.
I like this. See anything you like?
Oh, yes. -He means on the menu.
Oh, right. Em, I'll have the steak, please.
Very rare. Just a faint pulse.
And for you? -There's absolutely nothing I can have.
He's on a diet.
Green salad with the dressing on the side.
So, that's a rare steak for one hungry horse
and dry salad for one starving cow.
Gracias. -De nada.
Ooh!
I think he needs one of my special back rubs.
You're probably the only breathing thing here he hasn't been with.
What, even you? -Certainly not!
Just about everyone else, though.
Oh, I'm not bothered.
When it comes to sloppy seconds, I don't mind bringing up the rear.
Oh, sorry, love, these sunbeds belong to someone.
I think we've got somebody's sunbeds.
Hello, love. I'm sorry are these yours?
There are no towels here. These are free.
I've just told you they're not free.
Oi, what do you think you're doing? I've just said these are our sunbeds.
Come on, let's have you. -Did you just touch me?
Did you just touch me? -What's wrong with her?
No, I never went near you, I just want our sunbeds back.
Come on. Right.
No, I'm not giving it you!
I'm not giving it to you. -What's going on?
I'm not giving it to her.
So, this Lesley - Les thing, why do you do it?
I've never really thought about it.
Are you two different people? -Well, kind of.
It's hard to explain. -I mean,
you are not like a vampire or werewolf?
When you change you still have your pee-pee, yes?
All right, Dumb and Dumber, let's get the bar cleaned up.
I've done all the mixers this morning, I've cleaned out the drinks machine
and I've topped up all the spirits. -And what have you done?
Don't worry, I know. Buffed your nails, done your hair,
flicked through a copy of American Vogue.
Yeah.
Honestly, sometimes it's difficult to tell which one's on the change.
Why do you do all these things and make me look bad?
If a pattern emerges, look to yourself.
I don't know what that means.
Look, if I look after my side of things and you look after yours,
everybody will get on champion, young 'un.
Really...
That's what you think.
One large Honky Tonk and one regular Witch's Tit.
Lovely! -Thank you, Lesley.
How are the new cocktails going down? -Oh, champion, man, champion.
The kids can't get enough of them.
I think it's the funny names they like, you know.
I'll see you later.
Oh, hello, are these seats free?
Absolutely, grab some plastic!
It's Don, isn't it? -Donald and Jacqueline.
You remember Noreen?
Hello again. -Hello!
This is my daughter, Pauline. -Great to meet you!
It's very hot. -Oh, you've hit high season, all right.
Do what we do. Drink plenty of liquids and sleep in the nude.
I don't think I shall be sleeping in the nude.
I've seen the bedding.
Ooh, you sound foreign.
Pauline lived in South Africa for 1 0 years,
now she's in Dubai. We're having this holiday
to catch up before she moves back properly to the UK.
Oh, lovely. Do you like it here?
Not really, what I've seen of it so far.
We asked for a low-level apartment, they've put us on the 1 1 th floor.
We're the same, we're on the top floor and I have no head for heights.
Plus Donald sleepwalks, as well.
We had a siesta yesterday afternoon
and he stumbled out onto the balcony, still asleep,
climbed over it and sat right on the edge.
He was swinging backwards and forwards
and you could see people down below
terrified he was going to toss himself off.
We could have a walk into Benidorm if you wanted.
I think that's a good idea.
We'll see you later, bye-bye.
Handsome woman. -Oh, yeah.
Right, we've got work to do. -Oh, yeah!
What are they doing?
It doesn't bear thinking about. And make sure you don't ask them, either.
If you show the remotest interest in them, next thing you know
you'll be dangling upside down from a crucifix wearing a rubber corset.
Wouldn't be the first time.
Right. Who's the Virgin Mary? -That'll be me.
Then you must be the Angry Dwarf.
I ordered it for you. It's supposed to be quite nice.
So, are you boys enjoying your holiday?
I've been before, so it's not so much enjoying, more tolerating.
Hey, you'll not get a better all-inclusive than this, you know,
plus we've got the best pool in Benidorm.
He's only joking. This is his fourth time.
You must be doing something right. -But you're new here.
Oh, aye, aye, it's me first week.
They decided it was time for a bit of fresh meat.
Any cheesy nibbles for you? -Not for me thanks.
Gavin, would you like to try Lesley's cheesy nibbles?
Oddly enough, no. -Gavin's on a diet.
Ah, I know what you mean, I used to struggle with my weight.
Used to?
But for some reason, when I hit 40 last year,
the weight just fell off, and ever since then,
I've been lucky enough to maintain me schoolgirl figure.
Aye.
I'll see youse later.
Isn't that one of those schoolgirl figures
Jamie Oliver keeps campaigning against?
Ooh, top form.
Right, Mam, let's be having you.
What do I want to go to a water park for?
Ah, you know you want to,
I can just see you coming down one of them big slides on your scooter.
I thought we agreed we were all going? -Well, I've changed me mind.
Oh. Well, all right, we'll go later in the week.
Oh, Nana! Please, please, please, I really wanted to go today.
To be honest, I just want to spend a bit of time on me own.
A bit of time on your own?
You've been here on your tod for the last six months.
And that's how I like it. You go.
It'll give me chance to get a few bits from the indoor market.
Well, we'll only be a couple of hours. See you later, Mam.
Nana, I've got the money I saved up for me holiday,
but it's all inclusive so I don't really need it.
I don't want your money, darling, you go and enjoy yourself, you...
Jesus! How much is there? -About 200 euros.
Tell you what, you give me that to look after
and if I see anything nice, I'll get it for you.
All right. See you later.
Another coffee, Mrs H? -No, I'm off to get me hair done.
Hurry up, come on. I want to get in the water.
Hold your horses, your mother wants a lolly.
Do you not want an ice cream, Michael?
I'm not bothered, I just want to get in.
Yeah, well you can only go in with a responsible adult.
Ah, don't say that, I wanted to go in with me dad.
Well, hey! He's learning!
Oh, come on, what's the hold up?
All the lollies will be out of date by the time we get to the front.
No, look at the one I'm pointing to, that is not mint choc chip.
What you are showing me is mint choc chip.
Why don't you have another one of them slush drinks?
I don't want another slush drink, the last one gave me brain freeze.
Oh, like Walt Disney? -What?
Didn't he have his brain frozen
in case they found out how to bring people back to life?
I don't know what you're talking about.
Excuse me, there are people back here spitting feathers.
Oh, it's you, I might have guessed. -She's just choosing an ice cream.
This is a queue, I'm at the front of it, you're at the back of it, deal with it.
Bloody hell, did she keep the receipt from the charm school?
The more you're breathing down my neck
the longer it's going to take me to decide,
you do understand that, don't you?
She doesn't want a slush because it freezes her brain.
Can't you get one that freezes her gob?
Oh, come on, I'm not bothered about a lolly, we'll get one later.
Oh, hello.
Why don't we get you a lolly when we get ours?
Because the park shuts at 7:00,
and the way she's pissing about, we'll still be stood here.
Do you mind? I don't take kindly to that kind of language.
Here you are, Mum. -Hey, where did you get them?
There's another shop round the corner. There's no queue.
Wait, what are you doing? You can't...
See you later!
Hola. -Hello, love.
I'm all right for a drink, thank you.
I am sorry to hear about your husband.
He was a good man. -Yes. He was a good man.
I remember your wedding on the beach.
Beautiful day. -Yeah...
When the fat man drop-kicked him from the parachute,
I thought it was all over for Senor Harvey then.
No, he was made of stern stuff.
Do you remember the morning he nearly drowned in the pool?
I think this was the day before he was almost killed by an electric juicer.
He had his scrapes, I'll give you that.
And that time he was nearly barbequed
when his mobility shop burnt to the ground.
All right, just fuck off now.
I was just, how do you say, reminiscing.
Really, well,
if you don't frig off, people around here will be reminiscing
about that waiter who got run over by an electric scooter.
So you're finding your feet, then?
Oh, yeah, certainly beats being on my hands and knees all day.
What did you do before you started here?
Actually, I don't want to know.
Right, there's a time to chat and a time to work.
Now's the time to work!
You could do with taking a leaf out of his book.
Whatever book he has, I do not want to read it.
It means you should be more like him.
You want me to come to work dressed like this?
You know what I mean.
So you have not been hearing the complaints?
What complaints?
Some of the parents of the children, they are concerned.
Concerned? About a fella dressed up as a woman?
Have they never taken their kids to a pantomime?
Oh, I tell you what, it's all go today!
Are you sure this just isn't you trying to have a go at him?
Why would I do this?
He does all the work, I look after the bar, we are a good team.
It's just, the scary look is making little children cry.
This cannot be a good thing.
Okay, leave it with me. Can't have people complaining.
I'll tell him he can't come dressed as Lesley no more.
I think this is the best. -Yeah, right.
Anyway, get this bar cleaned up. -Yes, Janey.
Adiós, Lesley.
Okay, balls are in short supply, so you'll have to go gentle with me.
Oh, that sounds like fun. Can we watch?
Why don't you join in? -Absolutely. How about mixed doubles?
What do you think, Gavin?
I think it's safe to say with us four at the table,
doubles have never been so mixed.
Smashing, I'll go get the other two bats.
And I'll get the drinks. -Perfect!
I'm afraid you'll have to go easy on me. I'm not a natural sportsman.
I've always been good at sports, I don't know why.
Anything with balls and you can't keep me off it.
You don't say. -Any word on Troy's dad?
I spoke to Troy this morning. He's stable.
I think if his condition doesn't deteriorate,
Troy will come out for the second week of our holiday.
Oh, lovely, then it'll be the three of you!
Makes it a bit more exciting, doesn't it?
Well, no, Kenneth works for us in our salon, so he'll be going back.
Oh, I see. I had a Saturday job in a hair salon when I was at school.
Oh, really? -Yeah.
Well, I say hair salon, it was more of a beauty parlour.
Well, I say beauty parlour, it was more of a massage parlour.
Well, I say massage parlour, it was more of a...
Yes, I think I understand.
Here you are, a pre-match warm-up and oranges for half-time,
albeit with a double vodka in them. -Oooh, I love shots!
What is this? -Dunno, but it was free.
Oh!
It's like that game they had when we were kids.
Hungry Hippos?
No, that long bird who used to dip her head into the glass.
I don't think we need to bring your mother into this.
Right! Game on!
Gavin was saying you work for him at the hair salon.
Well, I like to think I work with him.
He likes to think that, but he actually works for me.
Shall we serve? -Why not.
Ow! -Oh, sorry, are you all right?
Apart from ping pong ball embedded in me stomach, yeah, fine.
Right, Bob Marley. One Love. - Very good!
Who is it? -Bob Marley, One Love.
Oh, is it winner stays on? -What you talking about?
This Bob fella, is he on next?
No, Bob Marley sang a song called One Love.
Did he? Oh, lovely.
Right, so what's the score then?
One-love!
Oh, yeah. Right,
my serve again, here we go.
Look, we may go and sit down, catch the last couple hours of sun.
All right, no problem!
We'll see you later. -Oh, yes, see you later!
No way, absolutely no way. -Oh, come on.
Remember when you used that bidet in the hotel at your Cheryl's wedding.
Well, it's just like, that except you're moving instead of the water!
Get lost! -Come on, Mum, it'll be brilliant!
I tell you what, you and your dad go down it
and I'll take your picture at the bottom.
They take your picture anyway.
There you go, they take your picture anyway.
You have to pay for it, but it's a big one in a frame.
No, your mother's right, she should stay here.
Well, we need someone to look after our stuff, anyway.
Go on, hurry up.
Hello, again. -Oh, hiya.
Did you manage to get an ice cream? -Oh, yes.
finished up queuing for half an hour, but it's all part of the fun, isn't it?
Yeah, I suppose so.
You haven't seen me daughter, have you? We seem to have got separated.
Oh, no, I haven't.
I know I shouldn't worry, she's not a kiddie anymore,
she was 40 last week.
Have you not thought about getting them to make an announcement?
No, she doesn't like to make a fuss. She didn't even want a party.
I don't mean about her being 40,
I meant an announcement about her being lost.
I'll give her another 1 0 minutes. You know what kids are like.
Yeah.
Have you heard from Geoff and Chantelle?
Oh, yes, I speak to Geoff every day.
Well, I don't actually speak to him,
I send him messages on his mobile phone. He's got all the gadgets.
Oh, yeah. I spoke to Telle yesterday... -Are you on Twitter?
Am I on what? -Twitter?
It's like e-mail only a bit more hit and miss.
Oh, no, not really.
I tried texting but me phone keeps trying to finish me sentences for me.
Well, on Twitter,
if you follow someone, you can send them a message and they usually answer,
unless they're famous, then they don't usually bother.
Mind you, I was following Bill Oddie for weeks
but it turned out it wasn't him.
It were a psychiatric patient in Eastbourne pretending to be Bill Oddie.
He certainly had me fooled.
All right, we're not pushing in, just having a look.
Oh, come on, what's going on?
Oh, bloody hell, not you again.
Vamos, vamos, que hay gente esperando, rapido.
Tell her I'll do it in my own time.
How can I tell her? I don't speak the bloody lingo.
I'm not ready to do it yet. -Well, stand over there, then.
But then I might not do it at all.
Oh, for Christ sake you're going down a bloody slide,
not being pushed out a 74 7.
A what? -74 7, it's an aeroplane.
Oh, great, now you're making me even more nervous talking about aeroplanes.
There's nothing to be nervous about, just get out of the way!
No. -Yes. Yes. No, get off...
If you don't...
Well, they're taking their time.
Are you waiting for someone to come down the slide?
Yeah. -Oh, anybody I know?
Me son and me husband. -Oh, lovely!
Somebody's making a right carry on at the top. Can you hear them?
That would have been me shouting like that if they'd got me up there.
Not that they would. I don't like heights.
Or water. I'm not that keen on the sun, to be honest.
Oh, heck, that doesn't sound too good!
What's going on? -It was her!
She wouldn't come down on her own!
What? So you thought you'd get in it with her?
No! She rammed it over me head and pushed me down.
Will you shut up!
My knickers! I lost my knickers on the way down!
Her knickers? -No. No!
I think she means her bikini bottoms.
Get out of that rubber ring now! -I'm trying to!
I can't see! Mum, I can't see!
Oh, I don't know, they're into everything at that age, aren't they?
Why are we walking on the beach? I'm getting sand in my camel toe.
Shut up moaning, we're nearly there.
Why are we walking on the sand?
I thought it would be romantic. -Oh, right.
Listen, why don't we go back to my apartment,
it'll be empty for another couple of hours.
Listen, Liam, I think you're a really nice guy but...
But what? I thought you said you liked me.
Well, I think you're really funny.
Yeah, a lot of me mates say that.
Oh!
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, careful. Oh!
Aw, it was just a matter of time until you two crazy kids got together.
You look so sweet.
It reminds me of my cousin, Lee-Anne.
She's got a son with learning difficulties, as well.
Come on! I need a vodka!
♪ Here you come again
♪ Lookin' better than a body has a right to ♪
All I'm saying is, it was a genuine misunderstanding.
Yeah, all right, no problem.
Now will you just sit down and leave us alone?
I feel I owe some sort of apology to your wife.
You don't wanna do that.
Seriously, I'll feel terrible if I don't come over and speak to her.
Believe me, you'll feel a hell of a lot worse if you do.
♪ Here I go
♪ Here I go ♪
Mick!
♪ Here you come again Here I go ♪
Come on, let's get sat down
or else we won't get a table.
You're a good-looking man. -Oh, for Christ's sake.
Come on!
Thank was our lovely Janice Garvey there,
with the Dolly Parton number, Here You Come Again.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to have a 1 0-minute interval.
Hey! That were brilliant! -What did she want?
She came over to apologise. Funnily enough she didn't say what for.
Like she said, just a misunderstanding.
Said something about Mick being a good-looking fellow.
You what? -No, she didn't.
By God, I don't know how you manage with just a knife and fork.
What do you mean?
You'd think you'd need a spoon with all the shit-stirring you do.
Do you mind not talking about S-H-I-T? You're putting me off my curry.
We met that woman at the water park,
me dad got stuck in her ring
and I ended up with her knickers on me head.
It wasn't as bad as it sounds.
Are you gonna eat that or just play with it?
It's pasta, I'm not doing carbohydrates.
So why did you order it?
Because I thought I could pick out the chicken.
So why aren't you picking out the chicken?
Because it's in a cream sauce!
You should have had this curry, it's gorgeous.
Mind you, I have to be careful. -What do you mean?
Let's just say I'll be putting an extra valence on that pull out bed tonight.
The last thing you want to do is follow through after a lamb bhuna.
Hello, boys, we forgot to ask you earlier,
I don't suppose you've got any spare change, have you?
Not really, why? -Oh, it's for a very good cause.
Looks like Sam's got her hands full.
I think it's the other way round.
Listen, what about an ice cream on the beach?
I don't think Sam's going anywhere.
I didn't mean Sam, I meant me and you.
I'm sorry, I'm not leaving my best friend here with Uncle Fester.
It's her uncle? That's a bit weird, isn't it?
Listen, I've been asking around about what you said.
About what I said?
Yeah, about Lesley frightening the kiddies and that.
I didn't say they were frightened, I just said they were confused.
Is it a man, a woman? Then they ask their parents strange questions.
I say live and let live, but it's not fair on the little children.
You're right, it's too confusing,
that's why we're giving the poolside bar a proper theme.
What is a theme?
We're making it into a drag bar,
you know, with all the men dressed as women.
You are not bringing more like him?
No, just you and Lesley.
What? Janey, no! You can't do this, I will leave.
Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that, it's been lovely working with you.
Janey, please, I need this job.
Then you'd better be in an hour early tomorrow.
Why? -To practise walking in your heels.
Janey, please, no! Janey, you can't do this, please!
♪ I wanna hold 'em like they do in Texas, please
♪ Fold 'em, let 'em hit me' raise it Baby, stay with me
♪ Love game intuition play the cards with Spades to start
♪ And after he's been hooked I'll play the one that's on his heart
♪ Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-e-oh-oh-oh
♪ I'll get him hot Show him what I've got
♪ Oh oh oh oh oh oh-oh-e-oh-oh-oh
♪ I'll get him hot Show him what I've got
♪ Can't read my Can't read my
♪ No, he can't read my poker face
♪ Can't read my Can't read my
♪ No, he can't read my poker face ♪
Listen, Natalie, I like you a lot.
I know, you said.
But I don't wanna pressure you,
I mean, I've got an apartment to meself,
but I'm just happy being in your company.
Thank God for that.
What? -I said, ''Okay.''
Time for bed. -Fantastic!
No, I mean on my own.
Oh, yeah, yeah, no pressure. I'll walk you back.
Listen, I think we might go back to the Solana.
Well, hey! I see you've found your beer goggles.
What? -I don't blame you.
He's thick as two short planks, but he's worth a squirt.
No, I'm not getting off with Liam, we're just going back to the Solana!
Are you coming? -I'm fine!
Sam, are you sure? We can stay out with you if you want.
Listen, I wasn't going to say owt,
but I was going to try and lose you two at some point.
I mean, don't get me wrong, you're lovely people,
but you're both so fucking dull.
Okay, well, we'll see you back there, then.
Yeah, see you later. Whoo!
You ready? -Absolutely.
Hang on, I don't know if she's got a key to get in.
Oh, she can get another one at the hotel.
You're joking aren't you?
She doesn't know her own name right now, let alone what room number she's in.
One second.
Have you got a key? -Yeah, I know!
No, have you got a key? -Huh?
A key, for the room! -Oh, yeah, just leave it there.
I'm not leaving it on there, you'll forget it.
Oh, for God's sake, I don't know why you're treating me
like some sort of idiot!
Oh, my God my leg, my leg. I think I've broken my leg.
Well, don't just stand there, you fat dick, get an ambulance!
♪ P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face ♪
Thank you, I love you. I love you. I love you. Thank you.
There you go, that was our very own Lesley
with Lady Gaga's Poker Face, apparently.
Now we have a real Benidorm favourite,
the one and only Shaun Foster Conley!
♪ Love is like candy on a shelf
♪ You want to taste and help yourself ♪
Madge, have you got a moment? -What do you want?
First of all, let me just say I can't imagine what you've been going through.
What are you talking about?
Well, you know, all your problems.
The world at your feet and then suddenly lose your husband,
find out he's up to his eyeballs in debt
and be left destitute with not so much as a euro to your name.
Are you taking the piss?
And so, in the spirit of all that is Benidorm,
Jacqueline and I have been taking a collection
from the residents of the Solana throughout the day
and raised 33 euros and 40 cents.
And, furthermore...
First of all, let me tell you, I am not destitute,
I am merely between residences.
♪ ...that exists in the world
♪ Could never buy what I can give ♪
I don't need your pity and I certainly don't need charity.
I'll admit, my Mel had his problems in business,
but he taught me one valuable lesson, there's more to life than money.
What do you think, having a cliffside villa made me happy?
Do you think having a jacuzzi made me happy?
Do you think being able to go shopping whenever I want
and not worry about the cost made me happy?
Mum.
What was I saying?
Oh, yeah, none of those things made me happy.
They were nice, but they didn't make me happy.
The one thing that made me happy was the love of a good man.
And a piss poor collection is not going to bring him back.
So you can stick your 33 euros where the monkey keeps his nuts.
Well, it's not only the... -Oh, just go away!
Why don't you give it to charity?
Do you have a favourite charity, Madge?
Frig the charity! You keep the money.
Looking at the state of the pair of you,
you obviously need it much more than I do.
Oh, no, we couldn't do that.
Did you hear what I said? Keep the bloody money!
Okay, well, that's very kind of you.
I'll get the name changed on the cheque in the morning.
Hey, hey, hang on a minute, what cheque?
The cash was from the collection, but I was trying to tell you,
the Solana have also given a cheque for 500 euros.
It's very kind of you, Madge. This is our second holiday this year
and we're certainly feeling the pinch.
I'll get the name changed in the morning. Enjoy the rest of your evening.
Oh, my God.
The pair of fat, twisting bastards, they've got my money!
Come here, you! Come here! Come back. Come back!
♪ Just help yourself to my lips
♪ To my arms just say the word and they are yours
♪ Just help yourself to the love
♪ In my heart your smile has opened up the door ♪
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