1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 -= www.SubtitleDB.org =- 2 00:00:55,434 --> 00:00:57,153 Right. Now, Dad! 3 00:00:57,154 --> 00:01:02,394 Ah, now come on, son, play the game, you know better than that! What? 4 00:01:04,874 --> 00:01:06,994 I'll get out of the way and then you can turn it... 5 00:01:13,234 --> 00:01:15,674 Oops! What you playing at, man? 6 00:01:18,474 --> 00:01:21,074 Don't worry son, just stay where you are. I'm coming! 7 00:01:34,114 --> 00:01:37,273 Sorry, I don't work here. But you just said you did. 8 00:01:37,274 --> 00:01:39,393 No, I said I work here. 9 00:01:39,394 --> 00:01:41,953 Well, if you work in there, what are you doing out here? 10 00:01:41,954 --> 00:01:43,953 Well, I am allowed to move about, you know. 11 00:01:43,954 --> 00:01:47,673 When a customer comes in, I don't just appear in the corner of the shop like Mr Ben! 12 00:01:47,674 --> 00:01:49,713 Who's Mr Ben? Is that the manager? 13 00:01:49,714 --> 00:01:52,753 No, he's... Look, I have nothing to do with them, 14 00:01:52,754 --> 00:01:54,913 I pay them to be here. 15 00:01:54,914 --> 00:01:59,633 Oh, you mean you're here on holiday? Well, why didn't you say? 16 00:01:59,634 --> 00:02:04,674 Listen I'm here on my own, if you fancy a game of dominoes later. Gavin! 17 00:02:05,954 --> 00:02:08,393 They've lost the luggage! Oh, come here! 18 00:02:08,394 --> 00:02:11,473 Welcome back to paradise! How have they lost the luggage? 19 00:02:11,474 --> 00:02:13,914 They put the cases in the coach as we were getting on. 20 00:02:13,915 --> 00:02:18,554 It's no good telling him, he doesn't work here. We need to find Mr Ben. 21 00:02:19,634 --> 00:02:21,633 Where's Troy? I'm here on my own. 22 00:02:21,634 --> 00:02:23,913 What?! So am I! 23 00:02:23,914 --> 00:02:26,033 Why don't we have a threesome? 24 00:02:26,034 --> 00:02:28,673 I beg your pardon? Dominoes. 25 00:02:28,674 --> 00:02:31,553 Oh no, I've just remembered, 26 00:02:31,554 --> 00:02:33,793 they were in my case as well! 27 00:02:33,794 --> 00:02:36,674 Oh, blood and sand! 28 00:02:37,914 --> 00:02:39,594 Excuse me! 29 00:02:40,754 --> 00:02:44,833 So this is the empire. No wonder Vidal Sassoon has retired. 30 00:02:44,834 --> 00:02:47,153 What do you mean, you're here on your own? 31 00:02:47,154 --> 00:02:50,113 Can we talk about this later? I need to see them about my luggage. 32 00:02:50,114 --> 00:02:53,473 Oh, there's no manager here. I want to know why you're here on your own. 33 00:02:53,474 --> 00:02:55,394 Aren't you going to give me the grand tour? 34 00:02:55,395 --> 00:02:57,593 It's just two sinks and a set of heated rollers. 35 00:02:57,594 --> 00:03:00,193 Come on, I think me and you need to have a little talk! 36 00:03:00,194 --> 00:03:05,553 Well, have you got any dominoes I can borrow until the cases turn up? 37 00:03:05,554 --> 00:03:10,033 I'm here on me own and they were going to be my ice breaker. 38 00:03:10,034 --> 00:03:11,833 I think you should explain to us 39 00:03:11,834 --> 00:03:14,953 why not only have all our cases disappeared into thin air, 40 00:03:14,954 --> 00:03:18,313 but why no one was there to meet and greet when we got off the bus? 41 00:03:18,314 --> 00:03:21,673 Meet and greet? Where do you think you are, Disneyland? 42 00:03:27,674 --> 00:03:29,594 You should watch what you say, young man, 43 00:03:29,595 --> 00:03:31,833 I've a lot of experience in the travel industry. 44 00:03:31,834 --> 00:03:34,673 I spent three years under Richard Branson. 45 00:03:34,674 --> 00:03:38,833 Oooh, is he the fella in the balloon? 46 00:03:38,834 --> 00:03:42,953 I always thought he was one of the Bee Gees. 47 00:03:42,954 --> 00:03:45,953 And that coach driver was positively possessed. 48 00:03:45,954 --> 00:03:49,833 There's a 60-year-old woman, with angina, sitting outside 49 00:03:49,834 --> 00:03:51,593 breathing into a paper bag. 50 00:03:51,594 --> 00:03:53,554 I've never had a journey like it in my life! 51 00:03:53,555 --> 00:03:56,313 Look, the company who drive the coach are the responsibles. 52 00:03:56,314 --> 00:03:58,833 You need to talk to your travel company rep, not me, OK? 53 00:03:58,834 --> 00:04:01,274 No, no, no, no, it isn't OK! And I want your name. 54 00:04:03,394 --> 00:04:06,393 Mateo, my name is Mateo. 55 00:04:06,394 --> 00:04:08,673 Are you blind as well as stupid? 56 00:04:08,674 --> 00:04:13,833 Blind man's buff! You only need an head scarf for that! 57 00:04:13,834 --> 00:04:17,074 Mind you, that's in my case as well. 58 00:04:18,314 --> 00:04:21,953 Please excuse my associate, he's still learning the language. 59 00:04:21,954 --> 00:04:25,113 Get out to the pool bar, this place is falling apart. 60 00:04:25,114 --> 00:04:27,753 All the cases are missing. 61 00:04:27,754 --> 00:04:30,393 How do you expect people to start their holidays 62 00:04:30,394 --> 00:04:32,754 when they haven't got any clothes to change into? 63 00:04:32,755 --> 00:04:35,473 Well, I'm sure we can liaise with the coach company 64 00:04:35,474 --> 00:04:37,832 and track down your cases before the end of the day. 65 00:04:37,833 --> 00:04:39,674 Right, in the meantime we will be happy 66 00:04:39,675 --> 00:04:44,313 to temporarily lift the no swimming in underpants restriction for the gents 67 00:04:44,314 --> 00:04:50,193 and ladies can have full access to my personal wardrobe of bikinis and summer dresses. 68 00:04:50,194 --> 00:04:52,393 Well, I suppose that's a... 69 00:04:52,394 --> 00:04:54,474 I beg your pardon? 70 00:05:05,754 --> 00:05:09,674 Oh! Yoo-hoo! Hello! Who the hell's that? 71 00:05:10,674 --> 00:05:13,873 Oh, it's what's-her-name, i'n't it, Noreen. Maureen who? 72 00:05:13,874 --> 00:05:16,593 Noreen, Geoff's mother. 73 00:05:16,594 --> 00:05:18,553 Who the frig's 'Geoff'? 74 00:05:18,554 --> 00:05:22,393 The soon-to-be father of your great-grandchild! Ooh. 75 00:05:22,394 --> 00:05:25,393 Oh, I am glad to see you here! 76 00:05:25,394 --> 00:05:28,313 I was coming up to your bar later today. 77 00:05:28,314 --> 00:05:31,833 Oh, we've lost the bar, love. We're here on holiday. 78 00:05:31,834 --> 00:05:34,193 You're not running that lovely bar? 79 00:05:34,194 --> 00:05:36,953 Are you deaf? She told you we lost it. 80 00:05:36,954 --> 00:05:41,673 How can you lose a thing like that? It's right on the seafront. 81 00:05:41,674 --> 00:05:44,753 Are you sure you were on the right beach? 82 00:05:44,754 --> 00:05:47,113 You know, there's another one further up, 83 00:05:47,114 --> 00:05:49,113 but that's mainly Germans. 84 00:05:49,114 --> 00:05:51,033 No, we ran the bar for the summer, 85 00:05:51,034 --> 00:05:53,913 and then, well, things didn't really work out. 86 00:05:53,914 --> 00:05:55,594 What's it got to do with you anyway? 87 00:05:55,595 --> 00:05:57,833 You here with that pisshead daughter of yours? 88 00:05:57,834 --> 00:06:01,393 Pauline? No, no, I'm here on my own. 89 00:06:01,394 --> 00:06:04,473 You've come here on your own? What sort of holiday is that? 90 00:06:04,474 --> 00:06:08,673 Well, it always seems to be the same faces here. 91 00:06:08,674 --> 00:06:13,874 I thought it was odds on I'd chum up with somebody. 92 00:06:19,314 --> 00:06:22,753 Michael, go and get your auntie Noreen a sunbed. She's not my auntie! 93 00:06:22,754 --> 00:06:25,593 A chair's fine for me. Go get her a chair! 94 00:06:25,594 --> 00:06:27,314 I've just sat down! 95 00:06:29,754 --> 00:06:34,474 Oh, thank you, Michael. Hasn't he grown? 96 00:06:39,034 --> 00:06:43,473 Right, now three teas. I'm supposed to be on holiday! 97 00:06:43,474 --> 00:06:45,953 I'll get the teas. No, you won't! 98 00:06:45,954 --> 00:06:47,673 Lazy bugger! 99 00:06:47,674 --> 00:06:49,753 And I wonder where he gets that from? 100 00:06:49,754 --> 00:06:53,193 Cup of tea, Noreen? Oh, lovely! 101 00:06:53,194 --> 00:06:55,714 Brandy in mine! 102 00:06:56,594 --> 00:07:00,074 We could have a game of 'I Spy' if you like, Michael. 103 00:07:01,314 --> 00:07:03,594 I'm 13. 104 00:07:07,874 --> 00:07:10,113 I've been meaning to ring you. 105 00:07:10,114 --> 00:07:12,113 I mean, we're practically family 106 00:07:12,114 --> 00:07:16,753 what with my Geoff and your Chantelle having a baby together! 107 00:07:16,754 --> 00:07:21,314 Let's see what colour it is first before we get the streamers out. 108 00:07:29,234 --> 00:07:32,393 So come on then, spill the beans, what's going on? 109 00:07:32,394 --> 00:07:34,673 Nothing's going on. 110 00:07:34,674 --> 00:07:37,673 Where's Troy? He didn't want to come. 111 00:07:37,674 --> 00:07:40,194 So you come all the way out here on your own? Yes. 112 00:07:42,394 --> 00:07:44,473 What? Have you two split up? 113 00:07:44,474 --> 00:07:47,033 No, of course not. So what's going on? 114 00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:49,673 Nothing is going on! How many times do I have to say that? 115 00:07:49,674 --> 00:07:51,673 You've always been an unconvincing actor. 116 00:07:51,674 --> 00:07:55,313 What was that play you were in - Midsummer Night's Dream? You were rubbish! 117 00:07:55,314 --> 00:07:58,513 I'll have you know my Bottom was the talk of Derby for weeks after that. 118 00:07:58,514 --> 00:08:01,193 Charming, most people are happy with a round of applause! 119 00:08:01,194 --> 00:08:04,313 Look, Troy's not here because we were too busy for both of us to come 120 00:08:04,314 --> 00:08:06,594 and I didn't want to miss the opening of your salon 121 00:08:06,595 --> 00:08:09,154 so I thought I'd come out myself for a few days. Oh aye? 122 00:08:10,114 --> 00:08:13,953 Now, what about you giving me a trim while I'm waiting for these cases to turn up? 123 00:08:13,954 --> 00:08:16,033 You don't fool me, Gavin Ramsbottom. 124 00:08:16,034 --> 00:08:19,233 I've seen that guilty look before at work when you squeeze one out 125 00:08:19,234 --> 00:08:22,473 and try and blame it on one of the Chihuahuas. For goodness sake! 126 00:08:22,474 --> 00:08:25,433 Come on. Grab that drink and look on the bright side. 127 00:08:25,434 --> 00:08:28,673 If you have been chucked, you're in the alcoholic capital of Europe. 128 00:08:28,674 --> 00:08:30,754 Even you could get a shag in Benidorm. 129 00:08:37,034 --> 00:08:39,394 I hope you don't think I'm being rude... 130 00:08:39,754 --> 00:08:44,113 but you've got really beautiful eyes. You think so? 131 00:08:44,114 --> 00:08:47,673 Yeah, I love the way they sparkle in the sunlight. 132 00:08:47,674 --> 00:08:49,794 A lot of guys say this to me. 133 00:08:51,234 --> 00:08:56,953 I tend to sweat a lot in the sun, but... but you smell gorgeous. 134 00:08:56,954 --> 00:08:59,473 OK, I am quickly losing interest. 135 00:08:59,474 --> 00:09:04,034 And if I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me? 136 00:09:05,194 --> 00:09:07,953 It's not fair, you're not in the slightest bit interested! 137 00:09:07,954 --> 00:09:09,752 There is no point us going any further. 138 00:09:09,753 --> 00:09:12,114 You promised I could have a turn at being the girl! 139 00:09:12,115 --> 00:09:14,513 'I tend to sweat a lot in the sun.' 140 00:09:14,514 --> 00:09:17,033 And then you wonder why girls do not like you? 141 00:09:17,034 --> 00:09:19,354 Well, come on then, show me how it's done. 142 00:09:21,674 --> 00:09:23,673 There is no use in trying to fight 143 00:09:23,674 --> 00:09:26,233 what we both know is a forgotten conclusion. 144 00:09:26,234 --> 00:09:29,473 Forgone. Sh, do not speak. 145 00:09:29,474 --> 00:09:31,953 Just look into Mateo's eyes 146 00:09:31,954 --> 00:09:35,113 and tell me your breast does not thump like a beating drum. 147 00:09:35,114 --> 00:09:37,113 Ba-boom, ba-boom. 148 00:09:37,114 --> 00:09:42,113 Come to my room tonight and we will make sweet music together. 149 00:09:42,114 --> 00:09:46,434 Te amo, te necesito, te deseo. 150 00:09:48,034 --> 00:09:49,953 Can I help you? 151 00:09:49,954 --> 00:09:53,874 Er, no, you're all right mate. I think I'm at the wrong bar. 152 00:09:54,794 --> 00:09:59,233 You can't just grab a girl's face like that, she'd be horrified. 153 00:09:59,234 --> 00:10:01,114 Don't you know about personal space? 154 00:10:01,115 --> 00:10:05,113 You... You are everything that is wrong with English men. 155 00:10:05,114 --> 00:10:09,033 Pale, weak, pathetic, like a tiny ginger mouse. 156 00:10:09,034 --> 00:10:12,753 When was the last time you saw the matador running away from el toro? 157 00:10:12,754 --> 00:10:16,314 Sometimes you just have to take the bull by the horns. 158 00:10:17,394 --> 00:10:21,554 Hiya, can I have, erm... Let me see... 159 00:10:23,954 --> 00:10:26,074 There's no use trying to fight it, don't even... 160 00:10:29,594 --> 00:10:32,634 That's what you think, you ginger dick! 161 00:10:33,034 --> 00:10:36,673 Now, it's only 10:30. 162 00:10:36,674 --> 00:10:39,673 Bit rude to start on the Jagerbombs already. 163 00:10:39,674 --> 00:10:43,953 I'll have a bacardi, large, straight, no ice. 164 00:10:43,954 --> 00:10:47,354 Make that two, will you? We'll be sat over there. 165 00:10:52,114 --> 00:10:54,394 Oi, drinks! 166 00:11:18,757 --> 00:11:24,397 I spy with my little eye something beginning with... 167 00:11:25,419 --> 00:11:28,018 Beginning with... 168 00:11:28,019 --> 00:11:30,738 Something beginning with 'C'. 169 00:11:30,739 --> 00:11:32,778 Cardigan. My turn. 170 00:11:32,779 --> 00:11:37,378 I spy with my little eye something beginning with 'AB'. 171 00:11:37,379 --> 00:11:40,818 Hang on a minute! 'Absolute bollocks'. 172 00:11:40,819 --> 00:11:44,338 Which is what we've been listening to for the past hour. Mother! 173 00:11:44,339 --> 00:11:47,539 You didn't even give us a chance to guess! 174 00:11:48,699 --> 00:11:52,058 Anyway, it wasn't cardigan, it was camel. 175 00:11:52,059 --> 00:11:54,458 Camel? That's right. 176 00:11:54,459 --> 00:11:56,578 Is she on drugs? 177 00:11:56,579 --> 00:11:58,978 Where can you see a camel here, Noreen? 178 00:11:58,979 --> 00:12:03,298 Well, not an actual camel. Camel hair. 179 00:12:03,299 --> 00:12:09,058 Camel hair? Yeah, apparently that's what this cardie's made of. 180 00:12:09,059 --> 00:12:11,098 That would explain the hump then! 181 00:12:11,099 --> 00:12:13,338 I think you mean mohair. 182 00:12:13,339 --> 00:12:15,698 Oh, is that what it is, mohair? 183 00:12:15,699 --> 00:12:19,458 Well, what on earth is a 'mo'? 184 00:12:19,459 --> 00:12:22,418 Oh, for Christ's sake! I'm off to get some cigs. 185 00:12:22,419 --> 00:12:24,139 It's all right, Nana. I'll go for you. 186 00:12:24,140 --> 00:12:27,058 Oh aye, and when did you suddenly become Santa's little helper? 187 00:12:27,059 --> 00:12:29,618 When Mrs Doubtfire started giving us all brain damage. 188 00:12:29,619 --> 00:12:32,699 Oh, nice one, Michael! Come on, we'll go together. 189 00:12:35,459 --> 00:12:38,338 Sorry about that, he's at a difficult age. 190 00:12:38,339 --> 00:12:41,338 I'm used to it. 191 00:12:41,339 --> 00:12:43,378 They tend to get a bit giddy 192 00:12:43,379 --> 00:12:46,418 when there's no father figure to keep them in check. 193 00:12:46,419 --> 00:12:48,458 Is he unpacking? Who? 194 00:12:48,459 --> 00:12:50,218 Your husband? 195 00:12:50,219 --> 00:12:52,698 Oh, no, he's coming out in a couple of days. 196 00:12:52,699 --> 00:12:54,858 We've got a few sunbed shops at home 197 00:12:54,859 --> 00:12:58,538 and there was a bit of a crisis just before we left. 198 00:12:58,539 --> 00:13:01,818 Topping up his tan before he gets here, is he? 199 00:13:01,819 --> 00:13:04,899 No, we've got some staff problems. 200 00:13:05,699 --> 00:13:07,858 He'll be here tomorrow or the day after. 201 00:13:07,859 --> 00:13:13,098 My daughter Pauline had staff when she lived in South Africa. 202 00:13:13,099 --> 00:13:18,538 She once told me her butler used to wake her every morning 203 00:13:18,539 --> 00:13:20,819 with a soft boiled egg. 204 00:13:22,179 --> 00:13:26,659 I think he must have just tapped it on her head. 205 00:13:28,499 --> 00:13:31,138 Did you live in South Africa when you had Pauline? 206 00:13:31,139 --> 00:13:36,418 Oh, no fear! I've never been to South Africa. 207 00:13:36,419 --> 00:13:39,138 Very racist country. 208 00:13:39,139 --> 00:13:41,018 Is it? 209 00:13:41,019 --> 00:13:44,458 Oh yeah. And when they're not being racist, 210 00:13:44,459 --> 00:13:46,858 they're running around in a loin cloth 211 00:13:46,859 --> 00:13:49,218 with a bone through their nose. 212 00:13:49,219 --> 00:13:51,179 According to our Pauline. 213 00:13:58,179 --> 00:14:02,898 So that's it. Not exactly Tony & Guy, more Kenneth & Co. 214 00:14:02,899 --> 00:14:04,818 Well, from tiny acorns... 215 00:14:04,819 --> 00:14:07,458 Do you mind not looking at my hotpants when you say that? 216 00:14:07,459 --> 00:14:11,018 Talking of Kenneth and company, it's not just you working here, is it? 217 00:14:11,019 --> 00:14:13,578 Oh no, God forbid, I'd never get any sunbathing done. 218 00:14:13,579 --> 00:14:16,738 No, I've got interviews this afternoon for a new assistant. 219 00:14:16,739 --> 00:14:19,099 I'm looking for someone very local and very cheap. 220 00:14:19,100 --> 00:14:21,738 No change there then. Oi! 221 00:14:21,739 --> 00:14:24,298 Hello, sorry to interrupt. 222 00:14:24,299 --> 00:14:27,898 Can you do me a wash and blow dry sometime this afternoon? No. 223 00:14:27,899 --> 00:14:30,858 So what is going on with Troy then? You can't squeeze me in? 224 00:14:30,859 --> 00:14:33,538 I don't want a cut, I just want a wash and blow dry. 225 00:14:33,539 --> 00:14:36,258 No, I'm sorry love, we're completely rushed off our feet. 226 00:14:36,259 --> 00:14:38,098 Go on. 227 00:14:38,099 --> 00:14:39,818 Well... This evening? 228 00:14:39,819 --> 00:14:43,698 You what? Do you have an appointment early evening? 229 00:14:43,699 --> 00:14:45,938 No. 230 00:14:45,939 --> 00:14:49,458 I bet you I know what's going on. All that money's gone to his head. 231 00:14:49,459 --> 00:14:51,859 I had this mate once who won Ј300 on a scratch card, 232 00:14:51,860 --> 00:14:54,898 started shopping in Waitrose and buying loose leaf tea. 233 00:14:54,899 --> 00:14:58,458 When is your next appointment? Oh, will you go away? 234 00:14:58,459 --> 00:15:00,738 Look, believe me love, with split ends like that 235 00:15:00,739 --> 00:15:03,859 it's not an hairdresser you need, it's a crash helmet. 236 00:15:04,139 --> 00:15:06,298 No, it's nothing like that. 237 00:15:06,299 --> 00:15:08,898 We had a bit of argument a few days ago. 238 00:15:08,899 --> 00:15:11,018 Can't remember what it was about now. 239 00:15:11,019 --> 00:15:13,218 Then he started getting a bit distant. 240 00:15:13,219 --> 00:15:15,778 He's set up a management company for all these houses 241 00:15:15,779 --> 00:15:18,578 his father left him in his will and works all day and night. 242 00:15:18,579 --> 00:15:21,698 Anyway, I said, 'You're obviously too busy to come on this holiday, 243 00:15:21,699 --> 00:15:23,898 maybe I should go and see Kenneth on my own'. 244 00:15:23,899 --> 00:15:27,618 I only said it to get a reaction and he said, 'great idea'. 245 00:15:27,619 --> 00:15:30,378 And here I am. 246 00:15:30,379 --> 00:15:32,259 Do you think they do 'wonder pants'? 247 00:15:32,260 --> 00:15:34,818 You know, like a wonder bra, but for men? 248 00:15:34,819 --> 00:15:37,179 I think I need a bit of lift and separation. 249 00:15:38,819 --> 00:15:43,138 Any chance of a quick head massage? No! How many times?! 250 00:15:43,139 --> 00:15:46,618 Jacqueline! Oh my God! Hola! 251 00:15:46,619 --> 00:15:49,459 Oh, come here! You look wonderful! 252 00:15:50,499 --> 00:15:52,778 Thank you! I can't believe you're here! 253 00:15:52,779 --> 00:15:56,298 I tried ringing you on that number you gave me last year but it just went dead. 254 00:15:56,299 --> 00:15:59,778 I thought it was maybe Donald's number you gave by mistake! Kenneth! 255 00:15:59,779 --> 00:16:03,098 How insensitive! Jacqueline, how are you? 256 00:16:03,099 --> 00:16:08,738 Oh, you know, bearing up. A lot's happened since last time I saw you. 257 00:16:08,739 --> 00:16:12,858 Well, of course, it must be almost a year to the week of Donald's death. 258 00:16:12,859 --> 00:16:15,658 It's so brave of you to come back to Benidorm. 259 00:16:15,659 --> 00:16:18,738 I imagine being here you feel much closer to him. 260 00:16:18,739 --> 00:16:21,139 You could say that. 261 00:16:22,499 --> 00:16:24,818 Kenneth? My God! 262 00:16:24,819 --> 00:16:26,578 Kenneth? Kenneth? 263 00:16:26,579 --> 00:16:28,419 Oh! Oh God! 264 00:16:29,659 --> 00:16:32,418 Ghost by the door! What on earth are you talking about? 265 00:16:32,419 --> 00:16:34,139 No, I just saw him walk past... 266 00:16:37,059 --> 00:16:40,778 I've come to take you with me! 267 00:16:40,779 --> 00:16:43,778 Pack it in, will you? Sorry about that. 268 00:16:43,779 --> 00:16:46,898 How many times have I told you not to do that? 269 00:16:46,899 --> 00:16:50,018 Sorry, the temptation is sometimes just too great. 270 00:16:50,019 --> 00:16:53,899 I think we've got a bit of explaining to do. 271 00:17:01,659 --> 00:17:04,178 So you're trying to tell me you came here last year 272 00:17:04,179 --> 00:17:07,218 and you didn't cop off with one single bloke? Yeah. 273 00:17:07,219 --> 00:17:11,818 You, in Benidorm for a whole week, and you didn't cop off? 274 00:17:11,819 --> 00:17:15,138 That is not the truth, pure and simple. 275 00:17:15,139 --> 00:17:16,978 You know what Oscar Wilde said, 276 00:17:16,979 --> 00:17:19,658 'The truth is rarely pure and never simple'. 277 00:17:19,659 --> 00:17:23,138 Yeah and you know what else he said? 'You can't shit a shitter'. 278 00:17:23,139 --> 00:17:28,138 Oh yeah, that were in Lady Windermere's Fan, weren't it? Dunno. 279 00:17:28,139 --> 00:17:30,738 Anyway, it wasn't my fault I didn't get a shag last year. 280 00:17:30,739 --> 00:17:34,058 I broke me leg, didn't I? I could have both my arms in plaster 281 00:17:34,059 --> 00:17:36,698 and I'd still find a way to unbutton the mutton. 282 00:17:36,699 --> 00:17:40,379 In saying that, there's not much talent here. 283 00:17:41,859 --> 00:17:44,458 Apart from Dirty Diego, of course. 284 00:17:44,459 --> 00:17:46,738 That's the one I were telling you about! 285 00:17:46,739 --> 00:17:50,418 The one that shagged Natalie? Yeah, they were engaged at one point. 286 00:17:50,419 --> 00:17:53,298 What? 287 00:17:53,299 --> 00:17:55,698 You have got to be joking! 288 00:17:55,699 --> 00:18:00,418 She wanted to marry a dirty, clap-infested Spanish barman 289 00:18:00,419 --> 00:18:02,218 at a Benidorm all-inclusive? 290 00:18:02,219 --> 00:18:04,458 Turns out he was married with kids. 291 00:18:04,459 --> 00:18:07,658 Of course he is, that type always are. 292 00:18:07,659 --> 00:18:11,658 Which means when he's tired of riding an old Spanish donkey at home, 293 00:18:11,659 --> 00:18:14,819 he comes to work for an English saucy mare. 294 00:18:18,579 --> 00:18:20,698 You just said he were clap-infested? 295 00:18:20,699 --> 00:18:23,618 We're in Benidorm! Get real, Sam. 296 00:18:23,619 --> 00:18:26,819 You can't fight the bull without picking up a few fleas. 297 00:18:29,059 --> 00:18:34,618 Anyway, sorry to say it, but I think he goes for something a bit more... 298 00:18:34,619 --> 00:18:37,338 A bit more what? Feminine. 299 00:18:37,339 --> 00:18:39,818 Are you saying that I'm not feminine? 300 00:18:39,819 --> 00:18:41,818 Well, you can be a bit - A bit what? 301 00:18:41,819 --> 00:18:44,658 A bit blokeish. Blokeish?! 302 00:18:44,659 --> 00:18:47,338 You are joking, aren't you? 303 00:18:47,339 --> 00:18:50,978 Yeah, I'm a strong woman, and I'm proud of that, 304 00:18:50,979 --> 00:18:55,139 but at the end of the day they don't come more girly than me. 305 00:18:57,019 --> 00:19:00,179 Hey, Liam! I didn't know you worked here. 306 00:19:03,619 --> 00:19:06,178 That's weird. That's the lad we met last year. 307 00:19:06,179 --> 00:19:08,499 Oh yeah, I nutted him in the face earlier. 308 00:19:17,459 --> 00:19:21,178 So, it was all a big insurance scam? I don't like to use the word 'scam'. 309 00:19:21,179 --> 00:19:24,698 Well, then what was it? Oh no, it was a scam. I just don't like to use the word. 310 00:19:24,699 --> 00:19:26,658 What happened then? 311 00:19:26,659 --> 00:19:29,058 Well, you know the fella with the white beard, 312 00:19:29,059 --> 00:19:31,698 that we saw at the British Consulate? Yeah. 313 00:19:31,699 --> 00:19:34,418 Well, he followed us. What, all the way to Marrakech? 314 00:19:34,419 --> 00:19:37,458 Oh yes. Honestly, why don't people just mind their own business? 315 00:19:37,459 --> 00:19:40,778 They were trying to defraud an insurance company out of half a million! 316 00:19:40,779 --> 00:19:42,498 Exactly, an insurance company. 317 00:19:42,499 --> 00:19:45,378 So no need for captain Birdseye to be poking his sticky beak in. 318 00:19:45,379 --> 00:19:48,458 Anyway, things got rather messy after that. 319 00:19:48,459 --> 00:19:50,258 We got home, charges were pressed, 320 00:19:50,259 --> 00:19:54,138 and I'm afraid a custodial sentence was passed. Oh no! 321 00:19:54,139 --> 00:19:57,658 Well, it could have been worse. Some people go to prison for stuff like that. 322 00:19:57,659 --> 00:20:00,698 That's what a custodial sentence means, you idiot! Oh. 323 00:20:00,699 --> 00:20:03,578 Surely the company hadn't paid out by then? It didn't matter, 324 00:20:03,579 --> 00:20:07,058 it was still a fraudulent claim. I managed to pull a few strings 325 00:20:07,059 --> 00:20:09,618 with a friend of mine who's a high court judge 326 00:20:09,619 --> 00:20:13,338 who happens to be the president of the DSA. 327 00:20:13,339 --> 00:20:15,938 Darlington Swingers Association. 328 00:20:15,939 --> 00:20:18,498 But he only managed to help Jacqueline. 329 00:20:18,499 --> 00:20:20,778 I'm afraid somebody had to take the rap, 330 00:20:20,779 --> 00:20:23,498 and I went down for eight months. Eight months?! 331 00:20:23,499 --> 00:20:27,178 I'm afraid so. 8 months confined, 23 hours a day 332 00:20:27,179 --> 00:20:31,778 in a cell with a 19-year-old body building arsonist. 333 00:20:31,779 --> 00:20:33,858 Woo-hoo! Now we're talking turkey! 334 00:20:33,859 --> 00:20:36,778 'Arsonist' means he sets fire to things. Oh. 335 00:20:36,779 --> 00:20:40,538 It must have been absolute hell. It had its ups and downs. 336 00:20:40,539 --> 00:20:45,138 I did my best to make sure Donald had his home comforts. 337 00:20:45,139 --> 00:20:47,178 Every visiting day, 338 00:20:47,179 --> 00:20:50,218 I used to smuggle something in for you, didn't I? 339 00:20:50,219 --> 00:20:52,338 Every Friday without fail. 340 00:20:52,339 --> 00:20:54,938 They used to frisk you as you went in, 341 00:20:54,939 --> 00:20:58,298 but I got quite good at hiding things, 342 00:20:58,299 --> 00:21:02,818 well, let's say, 'about my person', 343 00:21:02,819 --> 00:21:05,618 if you know what I mean. Right. 344 00:21:05,619 --> 00:21:09,378 Oh yes. I started with easy things... 345 00:21:09,379 --> 00:21:11,938 you know, pens, money, 346 00:21:11,939 --> 00:21:16,578 magazines - rolled up, of course. Yeah, well, they'd have to be. 347 00:21:16,579 --> 00:21:18,618 But after a few months practice, 348 00:21:18,619 --> 00:21:21,858 I was smuggling in all sorts, wasn't I? 349 00:21:21,859 --> 00:21:24,538 Oh yes, I can safely say I was the only man on D-Wing 350 00:21:24,539 --> 00:21:26,259 with a George Foreman Grill. 351 00:21:28,299 --> 00:21:31,058 Right, another round, I think. I'll go. 352 00:21:31,059 --> 00:21:34,378 I'll go. I don't think you should risk siting on one of them bar stools. 353 00:21:34,379 --> 00:21:36,059 We might never see it again. 354 00:22:37,213 --> 00:22:39,373 This place is falling apart! 355 00:22:47,493 --> 00:22:51,692 And then he wanted him to be called Clint, after Clint Eastwood. 356 00:22:51,693 --> 00:22:56,012 Can you imagine our Geoff being called Clint? 357 00:22:56,013 --> 00:22:59,172 So I had to put my foot down and say no. 358 00:22:59,173 --> 00:23:03,653 'You chose Pauline's name so it's my turn now.' 359 00:23:07,573 --> 00:23:09,772 Sorry Noreen, were you saying something? 360 00:23:09,773 --> 00:23:13,012 I was just saying, 11 names our Geoff had 361 00:23:13,013 --> 00:23:16,532 in the week before he was actually christened. 362 00:23:16,533 --> 00:23:22,452 Michael. No, not Michael. He was Melvin at one point. 363 00:23:22,453 --> 00:23:25,052 No. Where's our Michael? 364 00:23:25,053 --> 00:23:27,652 He went for cigarettes with Madge. 365 00:23:27,653 --> 00:23:30,332 That was ages ago. 366 00:23:30,333 --> 00:23:33,372 That were brilliant. My dad never lets us go to the beach. 367 00:23:33,373 --> 00:23:35,812 Live for today, son, that's what I say. 368 00:23:35,813 --> 00:23:39,012 Plus hopefully that wittering old bag will have buggered off by now. 369 00:23:39,013 --> 00:23:42,692 The only thing is though, I've spent all my holiday money. 370 00:23:42,693 --> 00:23:47,172 All of it? I knew you shouldn't have bought that inflatable. 371 00:23:47,173 --> 00:23:49,572 The inflatable was only 6 euros. 372 00:23:49,573 --> 00:23:54,092 Your cigs was 35 euros, your hat was 15 and your nails were 20. 373 00:23:54,093 --> 00:23:56,853 Yeah, but don't I look good? 374 00:23:58,013 --> 00:24:01,693 Oh, come on, game of ping pong? Yeah, all right. 375 00:24:08,253 --> 00:24:09,933 There you go. Cheers. 376 00:24:10,573 --> 00:24:13,412 That must be for you. Weren't you dressed as a man earlier? 377 00:24:13,413 --> 00:24:16,412 Yes, pet. Thank you. Excuse me! Yes, love? What's this? 378 00:24:16,413 --> 00:24:19,692 Er, it's the salad you ordered. No, I ordered a pepper salad. 379 00:24:19,693 --> 00:24:21,573 Oh aye, there's plenty of pepper on it. 380 00:24:21,574 --> 00:24:25,092 I watched the chef make it. He was sneezing like an asthmatic cat! 381 00:24:25,093 --> 00:24:27,332 Hey, I'd hold your nose if I was you! 382 00:24:27,333 --> 00:24:31,372 No, no. I ordered a pepper salad - a salad with peppers on it. 383 00:24:31,373 --> 00:24:34,652 Oh! You mean salad peppers, not shaky pepper. 384 00:24:34,653 --> 00:24:37,332 What's shaky pepper? You know, salt and pepper. 385 00:24:37,333 --> 00:24:40,092 Where's the man who took the order? Oh, that would be Mateo. 386 00:24:40,093 --> 00:24:44,172 He's sloped off for a fag break. Between you and me, this place is in chaos at the moment. 387 00:24:44,173 --> 00:24:47,372 Oi, Tranny Annie! Are you trying to kill me? 388 00:24:47,373 --> 00:24:49,772 My salad is covered in pepper! 389 00:24:49,773 --> 00:24:54,252 Out the way, mind your backs! Where are you going with that? 390 00:24:54,253 --> 00:24:56,332 What the frig's it got to do with you? 391 00:24:56,333 --> 00:25:00,412 Excuse me, excuse me. You're not allowed to move the ping pong table. 392 00:25:00,413 --> 00:25:04,012 Do you think I'm going to be playing indoors when it's 85 degrees out here? 393 00:25:04,013 --> 00:25:05,733 Piss off! 394 00:25:08,013 --> 00:25:11,493 Dad, it's all going wrong today. Don't worry, son. I'll handle this. 395 00:25:13,573 --> 00:25:16,212 Where have you been? You said you were off for a fag break. 396 00:25:16,213 --> 00:25:19,332 I did, then I went for a swim. Oh! 397 00:25:19,333 --> 00:25:22,772 Lesley, relax, there is no person in charge. 398 00:25:22,773 --> 00:25:25,692 When the cat is away the mices will play. 399 00:25:25,693 --> 00:25:28,772 I think it's about time the mices were put back in their cage. 400 00:25:28,773 --> 00:25:31,492 All right pet, just calm down, I'll get you another salad. 401 00:25:31,493 --> 00:25:33,212 Listen, get changed, right? 402 00:25:33,213 --> 00:25:35,573 And it's not a cat who's away, it's the new manager. 403 00:25:35,574 --> 00:25:38,332 If he sees you like this he'll have your guts for garters. 404 00:25:38,333 --> 00:25:41,132 What can he do? Every manager we have the same. 405 00:25:41,133 --> 00:25:43,772 They come here and they think they are very important, 406 00:25:43,773 --> 00:25:47,652 but he will be just another English asshole. I beg your pardon?! 407 00:25:47,653 --> 00:25:50,893 He wasn't talking about you, he was talking about the new manager. 408 00:25:51,733 --> 00:25:53,533 I AM the new manager. 409 00:25:55,813 --> 00:25:57,532 I beg your pardon, love? 410 00:25:57,533 --> 00:26:01,692 Joyce Temple Savage, the new manager of the Solana. 411 00:26:01,693 --> 00:26:05,372 Well, if you're the new manager, what are you doing here on holiday? 412 00:26:05,373 --> 00:26:07,092 You were supposed to start today. 413 00:26:07,093 --> 00:26:09,652 She's not on holiday young 'un, she's been spying on us. 414 00:26:09,653 --> 00:26:11,732 Spying? I don't think so! 415 00:26:11,733 --> 00:26:15,532 When you spy, you look through a fence or over a wall. 416 00:26:15,533 --> 00:26:19,092 I've been here, in the eye of the storm. 417 00:26:19,093 --> 00:26:22,172 Oh come on now, you might be having a crap holiday, 418 00:26:22,173 --> 00:26:23,892 but you can't fault the weather. 419 00:26:23,893 --> 00:26:29,612 I want you three idiots and all the members of staff on this list 420 00:26:29,613 --> 00:26:33,413 in the Hawaiian function room in 15 minutes. 421 00:26:37,573 --> 00:26:41,253 Pathetic! Do you hear me? Pathetic! 422 00:26:42,293 --> 00:26:46,212 And believe me, after 25 years in tourism, I have seen the lot. 423 00:26:46,213 --> 00:26:51,212 I have seen... staff paralytic in Portugal, 424 00:26:51,213 --> 00:26:56,012 stagnant swimming pools in Salou, food poisoning in Faliraki... 425 00:26:56,013 --> 00:26:58,293 So, in fairness this isn't your worst holiday. 426 00:26:59,413 --> 00:27:02,492 I am not on holiday! 427 00:27:02,493 --> 00:27:05,212 Listen pet, I know things might have looked bad, 428 00:27:05,213 --> 00:27:07,532 but we had no idea you were the new manager. 429 00:27:07,533 --> 00:27:09,692 We were told it was going to be a bloke. 430 00:27:09,693 --> 00:27:11,652 I think they were right. 431 00:27:11,653 --> 00:27:13,532 What did you just say? 432 00:27:13,533 --> 00:27:15,492 I did not say anything. 433 00:27:15,493 --> 00:27:19,893 You, my friend, are standing on very thin ice! 434 00:27:21,773 --> 00:27:23,692 You, what's your name? 435 00:27:23,693 --> 00:27:25,412 He does not speak English. 436 00:27:25,413 --> 00:27:27,773 He doesn't speak English? His name's on his badge. 437 00:27:27,774 --> 00:27:29,453 I wasn't asking you! 438 00:27:35,013 --> 00:27:37,813 What did he just say? He said he likes your hair. 439 00:27:41,333 --> 00:27:45,732 A transvestite waiter, a moronic caretaker 440 00:27:45,733 --> 00:27:50,812 and a hotel worker in Benidorm who doesn't speak a word of English. 441 00:27:50,813 --> 00:27:52,532 Well, I've heard the lot now! 442 00:27:52,533 --> 00:27:55,013 Well, I suppose it's a bit like there being a manager 443 00:27:55,014 --> 00:27:58,812 of a holiday resort in Spain who doesn't speak Spanish. 444 00:27:58,813 --> 00:28:01,012 Watch it, you. I'm in charge here. 445 00:28:01,013 --> 00:28:05,012 I do not, repeat, do not tolerate any form of back chat! 446 00:28:05,013 --> 00:28:07,252 You, get in this line! 447 00:28:07,253 --> 00:28:09,092 Piss off! 448 00:28:09,093 --> 00:28:12,493 That's Kenneth, he's not actually Solana staff. 449 00:28:13,773 --> 00:28:16,932 I knew the reputation of this place before I took on the position, 450 00:28:16,933 --> 00:28:21,652 but nothing... nothing had prepared me for the undiluted incompetence 451 00:28:21,653 --> 00:28:24,932 I have witnessed here this morning. 452 00:28:24,933 --> 00:28:28,172 But, luckily for you, 453 00:28:28,173 --> 00:28:31,172 I enjoy a challenge. 454 00:28:31,173 --> 00:28:35,812 And I am going to turn this standing joke into the pride of Benidorm 455 00:28:35,813 --> 00:28:39,492 or my name is not Joyce Temple Savage. 456 00:28:39,493 --> 00:28:42,332 You said your name was Joyce Temple Savage. 457 00:28:42,333 --> 00:28:45,532 What? Outside, you said your name was Joyce Temple Savage 458 00:28:45,533 --> 00:28:47,973 and now you're saying it's not Joyce Temple Savage. 459 00:28:47,974 --> 00:28:51,652 There's a time to talk and a time to keep quiet. Now is a time to keep quiet. 460 00:28:51,653 --> 00:28:55,813 Sorry, Dad. Dad? That explains a lot. 461 00:28:56,573 --> 00:28:59,452 And I assume you're the long-lost cousin. 462 00:28:59,453 --> 00:29:02,973 Hey, I have no relations with these people whichsoever. 463 00:29:05,173 --> 00:29:06,853 Class dismissed. 464 00:29:11,413 --> 00:29:13,372 Welcome to the Solana. 465 00:29:13,373 --> 00:29:16,332 You seem to be a little stressed. 466 00:29:16,333 --> 00:29:21,812 If you need to relax, just let me know, I am very good with my hands. 467 00:29:21,813 --> 00:29:24,453 Get back to work! 468 00:29:32,293 --> 00:29:34,532 Well, it was very nice to meet you... 469 00:29:34,533 --> 00:29:37,132 Destiny. 470 00:29:37,133 --> 00:29:40,252 And if we do get any vacancies for a 16-year-old lap dancer 471 00:29:40,253 --> 00:29:43,372 with no qualifications in hairdressing, 472 00:29:43,373 --> 00:29:47,893 then you'll certainly be in the top ten people we'll call back to the second round. 473 00:29:49,093 --> 00:29:50,893 Thank you very much. 474 00:29:57,613 --> 00:30:00,892 Oh, it's you. 475 00:30:00,893 --> 00:30:03,172 I'd like a word with you. 476 00:30:03,173 --> 00:30:05,892 Well, you've just had six, so one more won't hurt. 477 00:30:05,893 --> 00:30:09,292 I appreciate that you are not Solana staff, 478 00:30:09,293 --> 00:30:11,652 so I can't sack you straight away. 479 00:30:11,653 --> 00:30:13,972 But one word from me to head office, 480 00:30:13,973 --> 00:30:16,532 and you'll be out of this salon so fast 481 00:30:16,533 --> 00:30:19,893 your feet won't touch the ground. 482 00:30:22,453 --> 00:30:24,212 And one word from me 483 00:30:24,213 --> 00:30:27,492 saying how your first morning was spent watching this place fall apart 484 00:30:27,493 --> 00:30:31,172 while you were sat on your arse in the sun sipping cocktails and eyeing up waiters 485 00:30:31,173 --> 00:30:34,692 and you'll be on your broomstick faster than you can say Margaret Hamilton! 486 00:30:34,693 --> 00:30:36,413 Next! 487 00:30:43,333 --> 00:30:47,132 Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, madame et monsieur, 488 00:30:47,133 --> 00:30:50,692 my name is Joyce Temple Savage and I am your Solana manageress. 489 00:30:50,693 --> 00:30:54,772 And it my great pleasure to welcome you to this Solana Resorts holiday 490 00:30:54,773 --> 00:30:56,612 here in sunny Benidorm. 491 00:30:56,613 --> 00:31:00,092 The weather is a warm yet not uncomfortable 24 degrees, 492 00:31:00,093 --> 00:31:02,732 but for those of you who are not sun worshippers, 493 00:31:02,733 --> 00:31:06,772 we have our afternoon kiddie's movie in the Hawaiian Function Room. 494 00:31:06,773 --> 00:31:11,052 So this is Joyce Temple Savage, your Solana manageress, 495 00:31:11,053 --> 00:31:16,973 saying gracias for your indulgence and wishing you a very happy holiday. 496 00:31:25,093 --> 00:31:27,172 What the frig is this they've got on? 497 00:31:27,173 --> 00:31:31,412 Oh, I love this, it's, erm... 498 00:31:31,413 --> 00:31:36,332 Oh, what do they call him, it begins with a 'B'. 499 00:31:36,333 --> 00:31:39,732 Beethoven? Bobby Crush. 500 00:31:39,733 --> 00:31:42,692 Do you not like classical music, Madge? 501 00:31:42,693 --> 00:31:45,932 Sorry to interrupt you again, 502 00:31:45,933 --> 00:31:48,373 Joyce Temple Savage here, your Solana manageress. 503 00:31:48,374 --> 00:31:50,132 Just a slight amendment for you. 504 00:31:50,133 --> 00:31:53,092 The kiddie's film now being shown in the Hawaiian Function Room 505 00:31:53,093 --> 00:31:55,492 is not 'Dumbo' as previously advertised 506 00:31:55,493 --> 00:31:57,852 but 'The Elephant Man' starring John Hurt. 507 00:31:57,853 --> 00:32:00,932 Very similar to 'Dumbo' except this one is in black and white 508 00:32:00,933 --> 00:32:03,052 and he has a bag over his head. 509 00:32:03,053 --> 00:32:07,012 Those of you who have yet to be reunited with your luggage, 510 00:32:07,013 --> 00:32:11,012 will find a full range of complimentary under-arm deodorants 511 00:32:11,013 --> 00:32:14,612 and intimate feminine moist wipes available gratis... 512 00:32:14,613 --> 00:32:18,052 that's free of charge, in the front reception. 513 00:32:18,053 --> 00:32:20,173 Thank you for your indulgence. 514 00:32:23,093 --> 00:32:25,732 That's all we need, a load of fat, sweating pigs 515 00:32:25,733 --> 00:32:27,492 stinking the place to high heaven! 516 00:32:27,493 --> 00:32:31,132 I hope she's not going to be making these announcements every five minutes. 517 00:32:31,133 --> 00:32:33,372 And why is that music this loud? 518 00:32:33,373 --> 00:32:36,812 Michael, go and ask them to turn it down. You go and ask them. 519 00:32:36,813 --> 00:32:39,652 I'm getting a bit tired of your back-chat, my lad. 520 00:32:39,653 --> 00:32:41,411 Just because your father's not here. 521 00:32:41,412 --> 00:32:43,253 You're not too old to go across my knee. 522 00:32:43,254 --> 00:32:46,293 I don't know why you had a son, you obviously just wanted a skivvy! 523 00:32:50,453 --> 00:32:52,253 Drag him out of that pool by his hair 524 00:32:52,254 --> 00:32:54,412 and batter him within an inch of his life! 525 00:32:54,413 --> 00:32:57,612 Oooh, battered cod, that's what I should have had. 526 00:32:57,613 --> 00:33:00,772 This burger is dry as a bone! 527 00:33:00,773 --> 00:33:02,973 He's just missing his dad. 528 00:33:04,693 --> 00:33:08,292 Joyce Temple Savage, your Solana manageress again, 529 00:33:08,293 --> 00:33:11,052 just letting you know that due to hygiene reasons, 530 00:33:11,053 --> 00:33:13,852 Solana guests who are still waiting on their lost luggage 531 00:33:13,853 --> 00:33:17,812 and consequently have had no change of clothes since the early hours of this morning 532 00:33:17,813 --> 00:33:20,133 are not permitted to use the pool. 533 00:33:21,653 --> 00:33:27,492 Also, the large lady with the blotchy arms and long, dark, greasy hair, 534 00:33:27,493 --> 00:33:30,172 please keep to swimming with her head out of the water. 535 00:33:30,173 --> 00:33:32,813 We have enough drainage problems as it is. 536 00:33:33,373 --> 00:33:35,573 Gracias for your indulgence. 537 00:33:45,573 --> 00:33:50,372 Right, I'm not standing for this. Where are you going? 538 00:33:50,373 --> 00:33:52,652 I'm off to shove this plinky plonky music 539 00:33:52,653 --> 00:33:55,333 right up Joyce Temple Savage's arse! 540 00:33:59,653 --> 00:34:01,813 Oh 'eck! 541 00:34:03,813 --> 00:34:09,372 Three down, 'highest male singing voice', twelve letters. 542 00:34:09,373 --> 00:34:11,332 Dale Winton? 543 00:34:11,333 --> 00:34:13,372 Not enough letters. 544 00:34:13,373 --> 00:34:15,892 Chris Biggins! 545 00:34:15,893 --> 00:34:17,813 Oh yes! 546 00:34:19,493 --> 00:34:21,812 What the frig is this you've got playing? 547 00:34:21,813 --> 00:34:24,652 This is Liebestraum. Not for me, thank you love. 548 00:34:24,653 --> 00:34:27,332 I'm just trying to get this shite music turned off! 549 00:34:27,333 --> 00:34:29,172 Oi! 550 00:34:29,173 --> 00:34:33,452 I'm sorry, do you have a problem? Yeah, but not as much of a problem as you 551 00:34:33,453 --> 00:34:35,612 if you don't turn this bloody racket off! 552 00:34:35,613 --> 00:34:40,412 Classical music has been clinically proven to de-stress, minimise crime 553 00:34:40,413 --> 00:34:44,012 and reduce staff assaults by up to 25%. 554 00:34:44,013 --> 00:34:48,892 Reduce staff assaults? Where was your last job, bloody Alcatraz? 555 00:34:48,893 --> 00:34:53,252 I'm sure if you go and lie on your sun bed, and soak up the atmosphere 556 00:34:53,253 --> 00:34:55,732 you'll realise just how relaxed and comfortable 557 00:34:55,733 --> 00:34:57,812 classical music can make you feel. 558 00:34:57,813 --> 00:35:01,252 And I'm sure if you don't turn this music off, 559 00:35:01,253 --> 00:35:05,292 you'll realise how uncomfortable a fat lip can make you feel. 560 00:35:05,293 --> 00:35:08,652 What's this music you're playing? It's doing everybody's head in! 561 00:35:08,653 --> 00:35:10,653 Well, I think it's rather fine. 562 00:35:12,293 --> 00:35:15,452 Well, I mean, it does start to grate after a while. 563 00:35:15,453 --> 00:35:18,452 Well, there's only one way to decide this. 564 00:35:18,453 --> 00:35:23,013 Good afternoon, ladies and gen- Oh, and pack it in with them bloody announcements! 565 00:35:42,173 --> 00:35:44,212 Oh my God! 566 00:35:44,213 --> 00:35:46,933 Jacqueline, are you all right? 567 00:35:49,213 --> 00:35:51,613 Oh, yes. 568 00:36:17,053 --> 00:36:20,012 I wonder if they're all right. They've been through such a lot. 569 00:36:20,013 --> 00:36:22,612 You're joking, aren't you? When they got out of the pool, 570 00:36:22,613 --> 00:36:25,892 Donald spent 15 minutes asking the make and model of that microphone! 571 00:36:25,893 --> 00:36:29,132 Hello boys, all right if we join you? 572 00:36:29,133 --> 00:36:30,933 Of course, we were saving your seats. 573 00:36:30,934 --> 00:36:34,172 How are you, Jacqueline? You look... better. 574 00:36:34,173 --> 00:36:37,172 Not that bad, actually. 575 00:36:37,173 --> 00:36:39,452 I had a similar jolt 576 00:36:39,453 --> 00:36:43,972 when I smuggled a transistor radio into prison for Donald. 577 00:36:43,973 --> 00:36:46,052 Yes, that was a close shave. 578 00:36:46,053 --> 00:36:49,212 We were sitting in the visiting room, Jacqueline crossed her legs 579 00:36:49,213 --> 00:36:52,053 and we had Pick Of The Week blaring through her pleated skirt! 580 00:36:53,293 --> 00:36:56,652 How did your interviews for a salon assistant go? 581 00:36:56,653 --> 00:36:59,852 Oh, brilliant thanks. I've got someone starting tomorrow morning. 582 00:36:59,853 --> 00:37:02,772 Her name's Carmen, you know, like the rollers. Spanish girl? 583 00:37:02,773 --> 00:37:04,492 Can't speak a word of English. 584 00:37:04,493 --> 00:37:06,453 I've told him, it'll all end in tears. 585 00:37:06,454 --> 00:37:10,252 I've told you, she's on a month's unpaid trial and after that four euros an hour. 586 00:37:10,253 --> 00:37:12,492 Like Del Boy used to say, this time next year... 587 00:37:12,493 --> 00:37:15,852 you'll be at a European tribunal. Oh, I don't remember that episode. 588 00:37:15,853 --> 00:37:17,973 Was that the one where he fell through the bar? 589 00:37:20,333 --> 00:37:22,093 Look, they're here, they're not dead! 590 00:37:22,813 --> 00:37:25,572 You knew they weren't dead. You saw them get out of the pool. 591 00:37:25,573 --> 00:37:27,973 If they had died would you have gone to prison, Nana? 592 00:37:27,974 --> 00:37:31,013 What are you talking about? It was nothing to do with me. 593 00:37:32,173 --> 00:37:34,813 You texting Mick? Yeah. 594 00:37:35,773 --> 00:37:38,293 You honestly think he's going to be coming out here? 595 00:37:39,453 --> 00:37:44,853 Nothing wrong with them shops. He's on manoeuvres, mark my words. 596 00:37:45,893 --> 00:37:49,933 Very pretty young lass he's just taken on in the Claremont Road shop. 597 00:37:51,613 --> 00:37:53,853 Very pretty lass indeed. 598 00:37:55,293 --> 00:37:57,533 My dad always said you'd do well in prison, Nana. 599 00:37:57,534 --> 00:38:02,252 That's because I'm single minded, I'm independent and I won't be beaten. 600 00:38:02,253 --> 00:38:06,213 No, he said it's because you look like someone called 'Vinegar Tits'. 601 00:38:09,653 --> 00:38:13,492 The scran in here isn't much better than that salad I had today. 602 00:38:13,493 --> 00:38:15,612 It's not the food we want to be bothered about. 603 00:38:15,613 --> 00:38:17,493 Come on, get that drink down your neck. 604 00:38:17,494 --> 00:38:21,372 I'll get us another couple and we can get this party started. 605 00:38:21,373 --> 00:38:23,372 What, in here? 606 00:38:23,373 --> 00:38:26,772 No, we use this place for as many free drinks as possible, 607 00:38:26,773 --> 00:38:30,252 sing a couple of karaoke songs to warm up, then hit the town. 608 00:38:30,253 --> 00:38:33,492 It's like a pensioner's day trip. What are we going to sing, 609 00:38:33,493 --> 00:38:35,212 'We'll Meet Again'? 610 00:38:35,213 --> 00:38:37,612 Excuse me, four more vodka cokes here. 611 00:38:37,613 --> 00:38:40,772 You can only have two drinks at one time. Two drinks, two people. 612 00:38:40,773 --> 00:38:44,452 Bring us the drinks that we've paid for on this all-inclusive holiday, 613 00:38:44,453 --> 00:38:47,572 or you'll have me to answer to. 614 00:38:47,573 --> 00:38:51,853 I get you four drinks now, but this is the first and last time. 615 00:38:53,053 --> 00:38:55,093 You do not scare me. 616 00:38:57,533 --> 00:39:00,732 I think you might be playing a little bit too hard to get with that one. 617 00:39:00,733 --> 00:39:03,212 Believe me, I know what I'm doing. 618 00:39:03,213 --> 00:39:05,572 Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen. 619 00:39:05,573 --> 00:39:08,173 What do you do for foreplay, kick 'em in t' balls? 620 00:39:10,693 --> 00:39:13,132 See, what you've got to understand Lesley, 621 00:39:13,133 --> 00:39:14,932 is these are not holiday-makers. 622 00:39:14,933 --> 00:39:19,572 I thought they were. Oh no. These are all dogs. 623 00:39:19,573 --> 00:39:22,132 Well, there's a fair few munters, I'll give you that, 624 00:39:22,133 --> 00:39:23,853 but one or two of them aren't so bad! 625 00:39:23,854 --> 00:39:26,532 I don't mean like that. I mean they've got to be trained. 626 00:39:26,533 --> 00:39:29,572 They have a pack mentality. 627 00:39:29,573 --> 00:39:32,772 Without sophisticated touches such as classical music, 628 00:39:32,773 --> 00:39:35,332 this place is in grave danger 629 00:39:35,333 --> 00:39:39,412 of being downgraded to a two star resort. 630 00:39:39,413 --> 00:39:41,772 Take this afternoon, for example. 631 00:39:41,773 --> 00:39:44,692 One person said they didn't like the music, what happened? 632 00:39:44,693 --> 00:39:46,972 Two people got electrocuted in the pool. 633 00:39:46,973 --> 00:39:50,172 No, the pack mentality kicked in. 634 00:39:50,173 --> 00:39:54,052 Do you not just think the majority of the people here prefer other types of music? 635 00:39:54,053 --> 00:39:57,492 What about Pablo's dogs? His name's Mateo and he hasn't got a dog. 636 00:39:57,493 --> 00:40:02,132 You ring a bell enough times and a dog will start slavering. 637 00:40:02,133 --> 00:40:04,893 I'm not sure. I think you're just saying random words now. 638 00:40:05,893 --> 00:40:10,853 Watch and learn, my friends. Joyce Temple Savage will not be beaten. 639 00:40:11,933 --> 00:40:14,492 Something tells me she will be beaten, young 'un. 640 00:40:14,493 --> 00:40:16,692 About the face and upper body with a chair leg 641 00:40:16,693 --> 00:40:18,733 if she pisses this lot off any more! 642 00:40:22,893 --> 00:40:28,132 Bonsoir tout le monde, my name as many of you now know is Joyce... 643 00:40:28,133 --> 00:40:30,532 Temple Savage. 644 00:40:30,533 --> 00:40:34,972 Yes, that's correct and it is my profound pleasure to introduce tonight's entertainment. 645 00:40:34,973 --> 00:40:37,493 There will be no karaoke this evening... 646 00:40:40,493 --> 00:40:45,732 but instead we have a singer who is described in Opera Today magazine 647 00:40:45,733 --> 00:40:47,772 as 'a wonderfully gifted young man 648 00:40:47,773 --> 00:40:51,172 with a winning smile and a golden voice'. 649 00:40:51,173 --> 00:40:56,412 Please welcome, all the way from Milan, Arturo! 650 00:40:56,413 --> 00:41:00,693 Boo! 651 00:41:10,013 --> 00:41:15,132 ♪ Dalla sua pace... ♪ 652 00:41:15,133 --> 00:41:17,812 What are they frigging about at? 653 00:41:17,813 --> 00:41:20,852 People on holiday don't want to be listening to this! 654 00:41:20,853 --> 00:41:22,732 Well, it's all right, 655 00:41:22,733 --> 00:41:25,332 but I don't think I'd want to listen to it all night. 656 00:41:25,333 --> 00:41:32,493 ♪ Piace vita mi rende... ♪ 657 00:41:33,533 --> 00:41:36,732 I've seen enough. Come on, we're hitting the town. 658 00:41:36,733 --> 00:41:41,012 Hang on, I think I've just developed a love of opera. 659 00:41:41,013 --> 00:41:44,052 ♪ Morte... ♪ 660 00:41:44,053 --> 00:41:47,172 Crap music, but he's as fit as they come. 661 00:41:47,173 --> 00:41:50,732 Oh, I could sit and let it wash over me all night. 662 00:41:50,733 --> 00:41:53,133 Hey, you dirty git, I saw him first! 663 00:41:54,333 --> 00:41:57,013 I was talking about the music. Yeah, right! 664 00:41:57,693 --> 00:41:59,571 You see, the peasants aren't revolting. 665 00:41:59,572 --> 00:42:01,533 Far from it, can you see what's happening? 666 00:42:01,534 --> 00:42:03,892 Yeah, the poor lad's dying on his arse! 667 00:42:03,893 --> 00:42:08,212 The odd nod of appreciation, the gentle swaying of the head. 668 00:42:08,213 --> 00:42:10,772 You see, people don't have to be screaming and shouting 669 00:42:10,773 --> 00:42:14,452 and throwing themselves about the place to enjoy themselves. 670 00:42:14,453 --> 00:42:20,532 ♪ E mia quell'ira... ♪ 671 00:42:20,533 --> 00:42:22,293 I am not so sure. 672 00:42:26,933 --> 00:42:31,653 This is boring. Aw, poor lad's getting all flustered. 673 00:42:32,453 --> 00:42:35,093 Mind you, it is absolute shite. 674 00:42:35,453 --> 00:42:38,252 What did they say this lad's name was? 675 00:42:38,253 --> 00:42:40,052 Dunno. 676 00:42:40,053 --> 00:42:43,212 I know who that is, that's Asa. 677 00:42:43,213 --> 00:42:45,092 Who is it? 678 00:42:45,093 --> 00:42:49,333 Asa Elliott, he used to sing for us at The Benidorm Palace. 679 00:42:50,413 --> 00:42:55,532 Hey, Asa! Give us a song we know! 680 00:42:55,533 --> 00:42:57,852 All right Madge. How you doing? 681 00:42:57,853 --> 00:43:00,132 It's all gone a bit Pete Tong up here. 682 00:43:00,133 --> 00:43:02,773 Well, try number 27. 683 00:43:03,893 --> 00:43:05,893 Number 27, Darren! 684 00:43:14,373 --> 00:43:18,652 ♪ I seen her in a smoky room ♪ 685 00:43:18,653 --> 00:43:22,012 ♪ The smell of wine and cheap perfume ♪ 686 00:43:22,013 --> 00:43:25,212 ♪ For a smile they can share the night ♪ 687 00:43:25,213 --> 00:43:29,652 ♪ It goes on and on and on and on ♪ 688 00:43:29,653 --> 00:43:33,573 ♪ Strangers waiting ♪ 689 00:43:34,533 --> 00:43:37,532 ♪ Up and down the boulevard♪ 690 00:43:37,533 --> 00:43:41,372 ♪ There's shadows searching...♪ 691 00:43:41,373 --> 00:43:43,412 It's Mick. 692 00:43:43,413 --> 00:43:45,492 He's got everything sorted, 693 00:43:45,493 --> 00:43:48,532 and he's flying out tomorrow! Oh, my dad's coming on holiday! 694 00:43:48,533 --> 00:43:53,892 ♪ People living just to find emotion ♪ 695 00:43:53,893 --> 00:43:59,812 ♪ Hiding somewhere in the night... ♪ 696 00:43:59,813 --> 00:44:02,372 This guy is good. He's brilliant! 697 00:44:02,373 --> 00:44:04,053 Course he is! 698 00:44:05,253 --> 00:44:07,573 I had you all going there, didn't I? 699 00:44:10,293 --> 00:44:14,293 Well, the pack mentality's working - even you've joined them. 700 00:44:16,853 --> 00:44:18,892 Go on, son! 701 00:44:18,893 --> 00:44:21,933 ♪ Don't stop believing ♪ 702 00:44:23,013 --> 00:44:26,292 ♪ Hold on to the end ♪ 703 00:44:26,293 --> 00:44:31,533 ♪ Streetlights, people ♪ 704 00:44:34,053 --> 00:44:37,853 ♪ Don't stop believing ♪ 705 00:44:39,093 --> 00:44:41,972 ♪ Hold on to the end... ♪ 706 00:44:41,973 --> 00:44:43,853 I don't believe it, I think I'm in there. 707 00:44:43,854 --> 00:44:47,652 Of course you are, queen, he's gagging for you. 708 00:44:47,653 --> 00:44:50,013 You've no idea what it was like being here last year 709 00:44:50,014 --> 00:44:52,132 with my leg in plaster, I couldn't get a sniff! 710 00:44:52,133 --> 00:44:56,172 That was then, this is now, girl. You go for it! 711 00:44:56,173 --> 00:44:58,172 Whoo! 712 00:44:58,173 --> 00:45:04,453 ♪ Streetlights, people ♪ 713 00:45:12,133 --> 00:45:14,412 Are you all right, queen? 714 00:45:14,413 --> 00:45:16,573 I think I've broken my arm. 715 00:45:19,053 --> 00:45:21,373 I don't believe it! 716 00:45:21,498 --> 00:45:26,798 Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells 717 00:45:27,305 --> 00:45:33,392 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.SubtitleDB.org