1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.SubtitleDB.org today 2 00:00:36,393 --> 00:00:39,432 You're making cocktails? It's not happy hour. 3 00:00:39,433 --> 00:00:44,232 No, I'm thinking about breasts. Ah, yes. I do this most of the time. 4 00:00:44,233 --> 00:00:46,192 No, I mean for me. 5 00:00:46,193 --> 00:00:50,192 Sometimes, my football socks make me look a bit lop-sided. 6 00:00:50,193 --> 00:00:53,232 So, I've decided to upgrade to a pair of silicone boobs. 7 00:00:53,233 --> 00:00:57,112 I'm just deciding on the size. You're having the operation? 8 00:00:57,113 --> 00:00:59,753 No, man, I've never wanted to go full-time. 9 00:01:00,073 --> 00:01:02,312 Plus, I do my own car servicing. 10 00:01:02,313 --> 00:01:06,272 It's not easy shimmying under a Hillman Imp with a big pair of bazookas in the way. 11 00:01:06,273 --> 00:01:08,353 You know what I mean? 12 00:01:08,673 --> 00:01:12,072 No. Oh, the thing is, look, do I go... 13 00:01:12,073 --> 00:01:13,992 small and demure? 14 00:01:13,993 --> 00:01:16,992 Or, er... 15 00:01:16,993 --> 00:01:18,993 big, brassy? 16 00:01:19,113 --> 00:01:21,513 What about the melon? Melons! 17 00:01:23,193 --> 00:01:25,192 No, man, they're too big. 18 00:01:25,193 --> 00:01:27,712 Wait, you are talking about boobies, yes? 19 00:01:27,713 --> 00:01:31,712 Believe me, take advice from someone who knows, they can never be too big. 20 00:01:31,713 --> 00:01:34,552 Oh, the problem is, if I go this big, 21 00:01:34,553 --> 00:01:36,513 nobody's gonna be looking at my face. 22 00:01:37,273 --> 00:01:39,513 Perfect, so you kill one bird with two stones. 23 00:01:39,953 --> 00:01:41,993 Aye. 24 00:01:57,793 --> 00:02:01,632 Whatever that is in my back, get it out now. 25 00:02:01,633 --> 00:02:05,073 Oh, God, it's buzzing! Get if off me! 26 00:02:05,393 --> 00:02:09,112 It's my phone. I must have fallen asleep playing Snake. 27 00:02:09,113 --> 00:02:11,152 Now you know how I feel. 28 00:02:11,153 --> 00:02:14,393 It's from my brother. Oh, does he not know we're on holiday? 29 00:02:15,313 --> 00:02:17,633 Oh, God. What? 30 00:02:18,473 --> 00:02:20,713 Shit. What? 31 00:02:22,313 --> 00:02:24,353 It's not your dad, is it? 32 00:02:26,753 --> 00:02:29,193 Oh, God, Mick, I'm so sorry. 33 00:02:29,713 --> 00:02:31,713 You will be. 34 00:02:32,513 --> 00:02:34,553 They're coming to Benidorm. 35 00:02:40,553 --> 00:02:42,792 Your dad can mix a mean cocktail, 36 00:02:42,793 --> 00:02:45,553 but he's rubbish at nicking stuff from work. 37 00:02:46,633 --> 00:02:50,272 No. He's-he's choosing a new pair of breasts. 38 00:02:50,273 --> 00:02:52,833 Oh, of course. Silly me. 39 00:02:53,393 --> 00:02:55,393 I hope he doesn't go too big. 40 00:02:55,713 --> 00:02:57,992 I wouldn't want my dad to look ridiculous. 41 00:02:57,993 --> 00:03:00,112 No, you wouldn't want that. 42 00:03:08,713 --> 00:03:12,513 Knock yourself out. That's the beauty of an all-inclusive. 43 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:16,993 You don't have to move. You even get free entertainment. 44 00:03:17,313 --> 00:03:20,272 I might drag myself in the pool a bit later though. 45 00:03:20,273 --> 00:03:23,032 I could do with working off a few pounds. 46 00:03:23,033 --> 00:03:25,672 Rubbish! You look really good. 47 00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:28,273 We're not exactly the Fat Slags, are we? 48 00:03:30,353 --> 00:03:32,353 Well, at least we're not fat. 49 00:03:40,993 --> 00:03:42,913 She's lost loads of weight, you know. 50 00:03:43,753 --> 00:03:46,032 That woman with a face like a dog's chew-toy. 51 00:03:46,033 --> 00:03:48,073 She's really thin now. 52 00:03:49,113 --> 00:03:52,953 So would I be if I'd had him rolling on top of me for 30 years. 53 00:03:55,513 --> 00:03:58,192 I'm thinking of going on the Atkins Diet. 54 00:03:58,193 --> 00:04:00,432 Oh, God. I want to be thin, 55 00:04:00,433 --> 00:04:03,073 but there is no way you'd get me eating pet-food. 56 00:04:04,113 --> 00:04:06,273 You're thinking of Katkins. 57 00:04:06,473 --> 00:04:09,273 Oh, yeah. What's the Atkins? 58 00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:12,312 Meat for breakfast, meat for dinner, 59 00:04:12,313 --> 00:04:15,432 meat for your tea, and meat for you midnight snack. 60 00:04:15,433 --> 00:04:17,993 You won't get any meat here after midnight. 61 00:04:18,593 --> 00:04:20,633 You wanna bet? 62 00:04:31,313 --> 00:04:33,352 Is Uncle Pete really coming to Spain, Dad? 63 00:04:33,353 --> 00:04:35,192 Apparently. And Grandad Garvey? 64 00:04:35,193 --> 00:04:37,872 They're here for Uncle Pete's stag do. Cool! Can I go? 65 00:04:37,873 --> 00:04:39,632 No, you bloody can't! 66 00:04:39,633 --> 00:04:42,552 What's got into you, mard-arse? You should be happy for him. 67 00:04:42,553 --> 00:04:45,512 I've got enough on my plate without having to organise a stag do 68 00:04:45,513 --> 00:04:48,473 for him and his idiot mates. He might have organised his own. 69 00:04:49,913 --> 00:04:51,952 Why does my dad not like Uncle Pete? 70 00:04:51,953 --> 00:04:54,432 He's a bone-idle, lazy, tight arse, that's why. 71 00:04:54,433 --> 00:04:57,432 I'm saying nothing. Where the frigging hell have you been? 72 00:04:57,433 --> 00:04:59,352 You've missed breakfast, you know. 73 00:04:59,353 --> 00:05:02,352 They tried to give us all peppermint tea. 74 00:05:02,353 --> 00:05:04,592 Peppermint tea, in a glass! 75 00:05:04,593 --> 00:05:06,672 I said I'd rather drink my own piss. 76 00:05:06,673 --> 00:05:09,753 Mother! Well, what are they thinking giving us muck like that? 77 00:05:09,913 --> 00:05:12,592 It's good for your digestion. Bollocks. 78 00:05:12,593 --> 00:05:15,033 A fag and a couple of Rennies keep me regular. 79 00:05:15,313 --> 00:05:17,312 Hey, Mam, we're having visitors. 80 00:05:17,313 --> 00:05:19,432 Pete and his mates are coming for his stag. 81 00:05:19,433 --> 00:05:21,752 Not gormless Pete, your brother? 82 00:05:21,753 --> 00:05:25,032 Yeah. Oh, Christ. Who'd marry that big, useless lump? 83 00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:27,792 Some of us love our big, useless lumps, don't we, darling? 84 00:05:27,793 --> 00:05:29,793 I'm not in the mood. 85 00:05:30,073 --> 00:05:32,033 I'm off to reception to wait for them. 86 00:05:32,313 --> 00:05:34,193 Well, you want to keep your eye on him. 87 00:05:34,194 --> 00:05:36,713 I know what these stag nights are like. 88 00:05:37,073 --> 00:05:40,312 They'll be tottering round from one sex bar to the next, 89 00:05:40,313 --> 00:05:42,592 drinking tequila slappers... 90 00:05:42,593 --> 00:05:46,153 licking cream off a stripper. Oh, don't be ridiculous. 91 00:05:46,233 --> 00:05:49,512 Anyway, my Mick doesn't like squirty cream, do you? 92 00:05:49,513 --> 00:05:53,632 Oh, you mark my words, Janice, if he goes out on this stag, 93 00:05:53,633 --> 00:05:56,113 you'll not see him till 6 o'clock tomorrow morning 94 00:05:56,114 --> 00:05:59,473 when he'll be coming in prophylactic. All right, we've heard you. 95 00:06:00,433 --> 00:06:03,633 Why are they coming to Benidorm? Why's he texting me? 96 00:06:04,033 --> 00:06:06,072 He's your brother. 97 00:06:06,073 --> 00:06:08,073 Oh! 98 00:06:08,713 --> 00:06:10,713 It'll be all right. 99 00:06:14,753 --> 00:06:20,633 Er, no running by the pool. That's how claims get to happen. Child! 100 00:06:20,873 --> 00:06:23,032 No, it's a bit big. A bit big. 101 00:06:23,033 --> 00:06:24,992 What's going on here? 102 00:06:24,993 --> 00:06:27,433 Oh, we are just deciding on the size of Les's boobies. 103 00:06:28,353 --> 00:06:31,112 Oh, I wouldn't go too big, or you could come a cropper. 104 00:06:31,113 --> 00:06:34,552 I've got a sister who went up to 32JJ. 105 00:06:34,553 --> 00:06:36,313 Now she can't get around Sainsbury's 106 00:06:36,314 --> 00:06:38,353 if the trolley hasn't got a baby seat. 107 00:06:39,673 --> 00:06:42,072 Could you do this on your own time, please? 108 00:06:42,073 --> 00:06:43,952 Oh, yeah, yeah. Sorry. Sorry. 109 00:06:43,953 --> 00:06:46,752 I've just been doing the payroll, and I've realised 110 00:06:46,753 --> 00:06:49,712 that we don't have any lifeguards on duty. 111 00:06:49,713 --> 00:06:51,473 You know what that means, don't you? 112 00:06:51,474 --> 00:06:54,272 Aye. It means if there's an accident, we might lose a guest. 113 00:06:54,273 --> 00:06:56,632 Worse than that, we could lose a star. 114 00:06:56,633 --> 00:06:59,632 Well, I did a first aid course with the St. John's Ambulance 115 00:06:59,633 --> 00:07:02,513 a few years back, like. Very good. Mateo? 116 00:07:02,953 --> 00:07:04,673 Hmm? Do you know CPR? 117 00:07:05,513 --> 00:07:07,592 Ah, yes... from Star Wars. 118 00:07:07,593 --> 00:07:11,233 Come, my little friend. We must save Master Luke.' 119 00:07:11,753 --> 00:07:13,672 No, that's... something else. 120 00:07:13,673 --> 00:07:18,072 I want one of you poolside at all times on one of those high chairs. 121 00:07:18,073 --> 00:07:21,192 You'll have to use a step ladder because I'm not made of money. 122 00:07:21,193 --> 00:07:24,712 We'll have to change into more appropriate clothing to do that. 123 00:07:24,713 --> 00:07:28,393 Yes, well, it's just ticking a box. Right, I'll go and get my gear. 124 00:07:29,793 --> 00:07:32,233 And wash that fruit. Right. 125 00:07:38,153 --> 00:07:44,392 "I don't like BLANK... a hit for the Boomtown Rats in 1979." 126 00:07:44,393 --> 00:07:49,513 Any clues? Seven letters, M something N. 127 00:07:50,033 --> 00:07:53,353 Monkeys. Oh, yeah. It fits. 128 00:07:53,913 --> 00:07:57,472 Oh! He wanted to shoot them all down, didn't he? 129 00:07:57,473 --> 00:08:00,873 Yes, a very troubled soul, that Bob Gandalf. 130 00:08:01,313 --> 00:08:05,552 Didn't his wife have an affair with Rolf Harris? 131 00:08:05,553 --> 00:08:07,553 Well, indeed. 132 00:08:07,953 --> 00:08:09,953 Pssst! 133 00:08:10,993 --> 00:08:13,032 Pssst! 134 00:08:13,033 --> 00:08:15,472 Hello? Oh, excuse me. 135 00:08:15,473 --> 00:08:21,392 Is the Hotel Solano? Yes! Are you looking for someone? 136 00:08:21,393 --> 00:08:25,232 Yeah, I'm looking for my brother... Mick Garvey. Do you know him? 137 00:08:25,233 --> 00:08:28,752 Know him? He's a close, personal friend of ours. 138 00:08:28,753 --> 00:08:31,353 Donald Stewart. Good to know you. 139 00:08:31,793 --> 00:08:33,712 Pete. Pete Garvey. 140 00:08:33,713 --> 00:08:38,032 And this is my wife Jacqueline. 141 00:08:38,033 --> 00:08:39,912 Hello. Hello. 142 00:08:39,913 --> 00:08:42,512 Oh, stop pissing about, and get us in, will you? 143 00:08:42,513 --> 00:08:44,513 All right. Keep your wig on, Dad. 144 00:08:44,713 --> 00:08:47,432 The thing is, Don, we haven't got any wristbands. 145 00:08:47,433 --> 00:08:50,073 So, we were wondering if there was a gap in the hedge 146 00:08:50,313 --> 00:08:53,072 so that we could sneak in. Yes, leave it to me. 147 00:08:53,073 --> 00:08:57,152 I'm a dab hand at tunnelling my way through dense foliage. 148 00:08:57,153 --> 00:08:59,953 Isn't that right, Jacqueline? Oh, yeah. 149 00:09:00,433 --> 00:09:03,873 Joyce Temple-Savage here, your Solana manageress. 150 00:09:04,353 --> 00:09:09,392 All patrons kindly note that running, bombing and diving 151 00:09:09,393 --> 00:09:13,873 are henceforth outlawed in and around the pool area. 152 00:09:14,273 --> 00:09:16,272 Gracias for your indulgence. 153 00:09:16,273 --> 00:09:19,793 Frig off back to Easy Jet, you dried up, old sow. 154 00:09:25,753 --> 00:09:28,233 What the frig's going on over there? 155 00:09:34,433 --> 00:09:36,753 Come on, deep breaths. 156 00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:45,113 Here they are, back together at last... Les Garvos! Hi, Pete. 157 00:09:45,753 --> 00:09:47,792 Are you all right, Stan? 158 00:09:47,793 --> 00:09:51,272 I'm jiggered. He's had me walking up and down like a knob all morning. 159 00:09:51,273 --> 00:09:54,713 There's no point shelling out in taxis, is there? Jan! 160 00:09:56,353 --> 00:09:59,752 Hiya, love. Are you all right, Dad? 161 00:09:59,753 --> 00:10:02,713 I will be, when you get me a bloody drink, and let me sit down. 162 00:10:02,993 --> 00:10:06,072 Madge! I didn't see you sat there. 163 00:10:06,073 --> 00:10:09,512 Don't get up. I've no intention of getting up, thank you very much. 164 00:10:09,513 --> 00:10:12,152 So, where's everybody else? How do you mean? 165 00:10:12,153 --> 00:10:14,792 For your stag do? Oh, it's just me and Dad. Didn't I say? 166 00:10:14,793 --> 00:10:18,512 Keep it in the family. So, er... where are you staying? 167 00:10:18,513 --> 00:10:21,992 I thought we could kip at yours. It's only for one night. Oh, yeah? 168 00:10:21,993 --> 00:10:24,953 And we'll sort you out with all your drinks, all your meals. 169 00:10:26,753 --> 00:10:29,552 Come on, Mam, why don't we go to the bar and get the beers in? 170 00:10:29,553 --> 00:10:31,553 Get a frigging tray! Mam. 171 00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:35,273 We'll leave you to settle in. See you in a bit. 172 00:10:36,873 --> 00:10:38,873 Out the way. 173 00:10:41,113 --> 00:10:44,993 Now... is there any decent quim worth nosing out? 174 00:10:45,593 --> 00:10:48,552 And I don't mean Spanish girls with hair all up to their navels. 175 00:10:48,553 --> 00:10:51,753 A couple of nice English lasses will do. Isn't that right, Pete? 176 00:10:52,233 --> 00:10:54,233 Well, we are on holiday. 177 00:10:56,353 --> 00:10:58,353 So was I. 178 00:11:06,692 --> 00:11:09,732 'You spot a hot guy across the room at a party. 179 00:11:10,212 --> 00:11:14,012 Do you... A) Accidentally brush against him to start a conversation? 180 00:11:14,452 --> 00:11:17,571 B) Stay where you are until he notices you? 181 00:11:17,572 --> 00:11:20,251 Or C) Drag him to the bedroom whispering, 182 00:11:20,252 --> 00:11:22,292 "This thong isn't gonna peel itself off"?' 183 00:11:24,212 --> 00:11:27,411 You're playing hard to get, aren't you? I think I'd go for D. 184 00:11:27,412 --> 00:11:31,052 Hand him my glass and say, "Does this drink taste of Rohypnol to you?" 185 00:11:31,732 --> 00:11:34,491 Oh, good morning, twinkle toes. Come and do this quiz. 186 00:11:34,492 --> 00:11:39,211 It tells you where you are on the slut-o-meter from Sister Wendy to Christina Aguilera. 187 00:11:39,212 --> 00:11:42,372 Troy's breaking up with me. What? 188 00:11:43,212 --> 00:11:45,451 I just got a text from him this morning. 189 00:11:45,452 --> 00:11:49,491 It seems 48 hours out of his company has convinced him he's better off without me. 190 00:11:49,492 --> 00:11:51,812 You can't be serious. Let's have a look. 191 00:11:53,892 --> 00:11:57,932 "I think we both know that this situation has become unworkable. 192 00:11:58,572 --> 00:12:02,491 After careful consideration, I've decided to ask you to move out." 193 00:12:02,492 --> 00:12:04,331 Don't read it all... Ah-ah-ah! 194 00:12:04,332 --> 00:12:06,931 "If your bags aren't packed by the end of the month, 195 00:12:06,932 --> 00:12:10,411 I'll have no option but to take legal action." This is outrageous! 196 00:12:10,412 --> 00:12:13,651 He sent several messages. I couldn't read them. I felt sick. 197 00:12:13,652 --> 00:12:15,691 Hmm. He always did have a temper, that one. 198 00:12:15,692 --> 00:12:18,891 I remember when he caught me smuggling bog rolls out of the salon. 199 00:12:18,892 --> 00:12:23,331 He went ballistic! We were married for four years! 200 00:12:23,332 --> 00:12:26,531 There's more to a relationship than a couple of fistfuls of Andrex! 201 00:12:26,532 --> 00:12:30,571 Not in my experience. I've got to go back. I can't deal with this over the telephone. 202 00:12:30,572 --> 00:12:33,651 Oh, no you don't. Come here. He's made his big statement, 203 00:12:33,652 --> 00:12:37,771 now let him stew for a while. The best policy is total radio silence. 204 00:12:37,772 --> 00:12:39,772 Isn't that right, Carmen? 205 00:12:40,692 --> 00:12:43,051 See. I can't just... No, no, no. 206 00:12:43,052 --> 00:12:45,971 Trust your Auntie Kenneth. Look, give it 24 hours. 207 00:12:45,972 --> 00:12:48,212 No calls, no texts and no e-mails. 208 00:12:49,052 --> 00:12:51,491 Oh for... Come out on the razz tonight. 209 00:12:51,492 --> 00:12:54,731 Snog a total stranger, and put yourself on that slut-o-meter. 210 00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:59,291 Cos you are beautiful no matter what they say... 211 00:12:59,292 --> 00:13:02,371 Words... Please. Don't sing. 212 00:13:02,372 --> 00:13:04,372 I'm depressed enough as it is. 213 00:13:04,452 --> 00:13:08,611 And no, I won't be joining you on your little jaunt around the back-streets of Benidorm. 214 00:13:08,612 --> 00:13:11,332 I have far too much self-respect for that. All right. 215 00:13:12,252 --> 00:13:15,332 But you will stay the night, won't you? Play a bit of hard-to-get. 216 00:13:15,932 --> 00:13:19,411 When it comes to moody silences, I practically wrote the book. 217 00:13:19,412 --> 00:13:23,612 If that's not an oxymoron. He's not a moron. He just overreacted a bit. 218 00:13:31,612 --> 00:13:33,651 So, Pete, who's the lucky girl? 219 00:13:33,652 --> 00:13:35,731 Oh, you'd love her, Janice. 220 00:13:35,732 --> 00:13:38,212 Her name's Kathy. She's a real babe, isn't she, Dad? 221 00:13:38,213 --> 00:13:40,412 Aye, just like in the film. 222 00:13:41,012 --> 00:13:44,611 You've never mentioned her before. No, it's been a whirlwind romance. 223 00:13:44,612 --> 00:13:47,531 We only met six weeks ago. Where did you meet her? 224 00:13:47,532 --> 00:13:49,931 Louis Tussaud's in Blackpool. 225 00:13:49,932 --> 00:13:53,491 I was staring at her for ages cos I thought she was Myra Hindley. 226 00:13:53,492 --> 00:13:56,531 I couldn't understand what she was doing with the royal family. 227 00:13:56,532 --> 00:13:59,612 Then she moved, and I jumped out of my skin. 228 00:14:01,612 --> 00:14:03,531 She laughed when I told her, like. 229 00:14:03,532 --> 00:14:06,211 You told her you thought she was Myra Hindley? 230 00:14:06,212 --> 00:14:09,252 Oh, aye. And they say romance is dead. 231 00:14:10,852 --> 00:14:13,332 Must be costing a bit then, organising a wedding? 232 00:14:13,333 --> 00:14:15,451 Oh, it's not too bad really. 233 00:14:15,452 --> 00:14:17,491 Her parents are paying for the venue, 234 00:14:17,492 --> 00:14:19,491 I'm putting in for the night-do. 235 00:14:19,492 --> 00:14:21,731 You know... the buffet, the disco, and all that. 236 00:14:21,732 --> 00:14:24,652 You will come, won't you? We haven't done invitations yet. 237 00:14:27,412 --> 00:14:29,732 So, the rabbit farm never worked out then? 238 00:14:29,892 --> 00:14:34,531 No, no. We had to wind that one up, didn't we, Dad? Aye. 239 00:14:34,532 --> 00:14:36,771 Rabbit farm? Yeah. 240 00:14:36,772 --> 00:14:41,491 I lent him 1,500 quid 6 months ago. You were meant to be paying me back about now, weren't you? 241 00:14:41,492 --> 00:14:44,131 Well, you see, I had to lay out on the hutch, 242 00:14:44,132 --> 00:14:46,851 and the hutch was key to the operation, and the fencing. 243 00:14:46,852 --> 00:14:50,291 And we bought two Californian Whites from that car boot sale in Wigan, 244 00:14:50,292 --> 00:14:53,331 but, to be honest with you, Mick, I think we were conned. 245 00:14:53,332 --> 00:14:55,451 They were both bucks. You what? 246 00:14:55,452 --> 00:14:59,691 I swear I saw them cuddling up and copulating and all that, 247 00:14:59,692 --> 00:15:02,691 but... maybe they were just trying to keep warm. 248 00:15:02,692 --> 00:15:05,411 This was in February. Hang on a minute... 249 00:15:05,412 --> 00:15:09,172 You spent my 1,500 quid on a hutch and two gay rabbits? 250 00:15:09,732 --> 00:15:12,091 Where did you get 1,500 quid from? 251 00:15:12,092 --> 00:15:15,171 I took it out the business. You did what? Oh, don't you start. 252 00:15:15,172 --> 00:15:18,531 Them sun-bed shops were in my name. What do you mean WERE? 253 00:15:18,532 --> 00:15:21,051 I mean... are in my name. We've been through this. 254 00:15:21,052 --> 00:15:23,692 What happened to the rabbits? Hotpot. 255 00:15:24,452 --> 00:15:27,411 I turned the paws into keyrings, but nobody would buy them. 256 00:15:27,412 --> 00:15:29,211 Cos they bloody stank! 257 00:15:29,212 --> 00:15:31,052 At least you wouldn't lose your keys! 258 00:15:31,053 --> 00:15:34,051 Are you gonna stand by and let him piss my inheritance away 259 00:15:34,052 --> 00:15:37,091 on a frigging petting zoo? What do you mean, YOUR inheritance? 260 00:15:37,092 --> 00:15:39,651 I want that money paying back. Do you hear me? 261 00:15:39,652 --> 00:15:43,211 To be fair, Madge, this was a valid business preposition. 262 00:15:43,212 --> 00:15:46,931 Someone did it on Dragon's Den. Not with queer bloody rabbits they didn't. 263 00:15:46,932 --> 00:15:48,852 I've had enough. I need that money back. 264 00:15:48,853 --> 00:15:51,771 I'm gonna pay you, but I've got the wedding. Frig the wedding. 265 00:15:51,772 --> 00:15:55,172 Oh, don't tell him to frig his wedding, Mick. That's not nice. 266 00:15:55,452 --> 00:15:57,932 We called them Elton and Dale. 267 00:15:58,812 --> 00:16:00,812 Bummy rabbits! 268 00:16:05,812 --> 00:16:10,211 Oh, I love big family reunions, don't you? 269 00:16:10,212 --> 00:16:14,131 Yes, though Mick's not as big as he used to be. No. 270 00:16:14,132 --> 00:16:17,691 Shame Noreen isn't here to join in the celebrations. 271 00:16:17,692 --> 00:16:20,171 Is she related to them as well? 272 00:16:20,172 --> 00:16:22,732 Yes! Do you remember Noreen's son Geoff? 273 00:16:23,292 --> 00:16:25,691 The fat one with a wispy beard? 274 00:16:25,692 --> 00:16:28,971 Yes. And you remember the Garveys' daughter Chantelle? 275 00:16:28,972 --> 00:16:31,451 The fat one with the wispy beard? 276 00:16:31,452 --> 00:16:35,131 Yes. Well, they're living together now in Chorlton-cum-Hardy, 277 00:16:35,132 --> 00:16:36,891 with a baby on the way. 278 00:16:36,892 --> 00:16:40,172 Oh, I bet they make a bonny baby together. 279 00:16:40,892 --> 00:16:42,892 Hmm. 280 00:16:49,452 --> 00:16:51,452 Everything all right? 281 00:16:52,012 --> 00:16:54,012 Yes. 282 00:16:54,492 --> 00:16:56,932 Do you need a hand? No. 283 00:16:59,652 --> 00:17:03,611 Are you going to be doing any DIY, cos that should be my responsibility? 284 00:17:03,612 --> 00:17:06,012 I am sitting here as lifeguard. 285 00:17:10,092 --> 00:17:12,011 You're a lifeguard? 286 00:17:12,012 --> 00:17:15,292 Yes. To make people feel safe. 287 00:17:16,052 --> 00:17:18,052 Cool. 288 00:17:18,492 --> 00:17:20,492 Do you think I could have a go? 289 00:17:21,412 --> 00:17:25,371 I did that thing where you had to swim underwater, and pick up a brick in your pyjamas 290 00:17:25,372 --> 00:17:29,051 but I didn't get my certificate cos I got caught peeing in the pool. 291 00:17:29,052 --> 00:17:32,212 How could they tell? I was standing on the diving board. 292 00:17:34,172 --> 00:17:36,532 Liam... Go away? Thank you. 293 00:17:43,972 --> 00:17:47,971 Aye, aye. Spanish chorizo at 2 o'clock. 294 00:17:47,972 --> 00:17:50,091 It's quite greasy that, isn't it? 295 00:17:50,092 --> 00:17:53,571 It doesn't bother me. Are you sure you can have that on the Atkins? 296 00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:56,211 Oh, yeah. Three portions a day. 297 00:17:56,212 --> 00:17:58,532 And you wouldn't have a vegetable with it? 298 00:17:58,772 --> 00:18:01,412 Nah. He'd have to watch. 299 00:18:02,292 --> 00:18:04,292 What? 300 00:18:06,532 --> 00:18:09,011 Oh, you're not still lusting after him, are you? 301 00:18:09,012 --> 00:18:10,771 I told you he's married with kids. 302 00:18:10,772 --> 00:18:12,851 Have you never heard of a holiday romance? 303 00:18:12,852 --> 00:18:15,932 He's not on holiday, is he? No, but I am. 304 00:18:17,052 --> 00:18:19,451 And I intend to get a bit of mouth-to-mouth 305 00:18:19,452 --> 00:18:21,211 off Mr Has-em-off over there. 306 00:18:21,212 --> 00:18:24,251 Well, I'm just advising you against it, Trudy, that's all. 307 00:18:24,252 --> 00:18:26,971 Thanks. But if I'd have wanted a conscience, 308 00:18:26,972 --> 00:18:29,811 I'd have come on holiday with Jiminy Cricket. OK. 309 00:18:29,812 --> 00:18:31,771 Fine, it's not skin off my minge, 310 00:18:31,772 --> 00:18:35,292 but if he had been interested in you, he'd have tried it on by now. 311 00:18:35,532 --> 00:18:37,571 Oh, yeah? 312 00:18:37,572 --> 00:18:39,572 Help! 313 00:18:40,692 --> 00:18:43,491 Help! Help! 314 00:18:43,492 --> 00:18:46,412 Mateo! Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! 315 00:18:46,692 --> 00:18:48,531 Oh! 316 00:18:48,532 --> 00:18:51,091 Joyce Temple-Savage here... a staff announcement. 317 00:18:51,092 --> 00:18:54,131 Mateo, there's somebody drowning in the pool! 318 00:18:54,132 --> 00:18:56,052 What? Help! 319 00:18:56,412 --> 00:18:58,412 Hostia! Hold my ladder, please. 320 00:18:59,692 --> 00:19:01,692 Help! Help! 321 00:19:02,652 --> 00:19:05,091 Help! Sam, your friend's drowning! 322 00:19:05,092 --> 00:19:08,411 Oh, dear. What a shame. Aren't you gonna dive in and help her? 323 00:19:08,412 --> 00:19:10,372 I've just put a load of fake tan on. 324 00:19:10,373 --> 00:19:13,892 I would... but I left my pyjamas at home. 325 00:19:14,572 --> 00:19:16,772 Help! Muchas gracias. 326 00:19:20,532 --> 00:19:22,532 Help! 327 00:19:23,492 --> 00:19:25,851 Are you OK? I'm drowning. 328 00:19:25,852 --> 00:19:27,852 I make you safe. 329 00:19:29,172 --> 00:19:33,731 Come on, come on. Steady. Oh, come on. Argh! 330 00:19:33,732 --> 00:19:35,732 Ow! 331 00:19:39,852 --> 00:19:42,811 We need to keep her alive till she gets in the ambulance. 332 00:19:42,812 --> 00:19:44,651 Mateo, do your CPR. 333 00:19:44,652 --> 00:19:47,211 This is no time to make impressions! Quick! 334 00:19:47,212 --> 00:19:50,091 I don't know what to do. I think you're meant to straddle her. 335 00:19:50,092 --> 00:19:52,052 Oh, I don't think that's right, is it? 336 00:19:52,053 --> 00:19:54,251 Oh, she's saying yes, look. She's saying yes. 337 00:19:54,252 --> 00:19:57,091 Unbelievable. Give her the kiss of life. 338 00:19:57,092 --> 00:19:59,931 I don't know what this is. What is it? Lean her head back, 339 00:19:59,932 --> 00:20:02,012 open her mouth, and breath. 340 00:20:04,532 --> 00:20:06,692 Wait! Wait! 341 00:20:17,372 --> 00:20:20,012 Right, out the way, Mateo. Get out of the way. 342 00:20:21,532 --> 00:20:23,490 I'm sorry I haven't had a shave, pet, 343 00:20:23,491 --> 00:20:25,452 and I've just been smoking a rollie, 344 00:20:25,453 --> 00:20:29,051 so it might not taste that great, but it will save your life. 345 00:20:29,052 --> 00:20:31,052 OK? Here goes. 346 00:20:42,677 --> 00:20:45,396 So, she's all right now then? I think so, aye. 347 00:20:45,397 --> 00:20:48,276 The doctor gave her a sedative, and told her to take it easy. 348 00:20:48,277 --> 00:20:50,237 It's a good job you were on hand, Les. Aye. 349 00:20:50,238 --> 00:20:52,316 She went into spasm a few times like. 350 00:20:52,317 --> 00:20:54,556 I just knelt on her arms and kept pumping. 351 00:20:54,557 --> 00:20:56,557 Well, we've all been there, love. 352 00:20:58,957 --> 00:21:01,996 Oh, I hate being stuck in here. I miss all the fun. 353 00:21:01,997 --> 00:21:03,997 A girl nearly drowned, Kenneth. 354 00:21:04,237 --> 00:21:06,716 It's hardly the final of Jeus Sans Frontiers. 355 00:21:06,717 --> 00:21:10,516 Speaking of which, there's a stag do tonight, and it's fancy dress. No. 356 00:21:10,517 --> 00:21:12,556 Well, I was just going to say... No. 357 00:21:12,557 --> 00:21:17,636 I do not wish to wear a hat shaped like a penis, and stagger around singing 'Tits Out for the Lads.' 358 00:21:17,637 --> 00:21:21,116 You'll be with me. I'll make sure nobody bothers you. Very droll. 359 00:21:21,117 --> 00:21:24,676 Did you or did you not agree you were going to come out and have some fun? 360 00:21:24,677 --> 00:21:26,596 Yes, but I... Good. 361 00:21:26,597 --> 00:21:28,597 Cos you're going on a date. A date? 362 00:21:28,837 --> 00:21:31,196 Am I suddenly in the middle of Dawson's Creek? 363 00:21:31,197 --> 00:21:35,036 You might be if you play your cards right, but his name's not Dawson. Whose name? 364 00:21:35,037 --> 00:21:36,836 Do you remember Emilio, 365 00:21:36,837 --> 00:21:39,636 that cute little waiter who worked in the Pink Trombone.? 366 00:21:39,637 --> 00:21:42,476 The one that tried to poke me on Facebook? The same. 367 00:21:42,477 --> 00:21:45,676 Well, you have just arranged to meet him in the old town tonight. 368 00:21:45,677 --> 00:21:47,476 Give me that! Ah-ah-ah! 369 00:21:47,477 --> 00:21:49,396 No phone till tomorrow, remember? 370 00:21:49,397 --> 00:21:52,637 I don't need you playing match-maker, thank you very much. 371 00:21:52,717 --> 00:21:56,356 I'm married to Troy, and until I've seen him and discussed this situation, 372 00:21:56,357 --> 00:22:00,077 I remain his partner... civil or otherwise. I'm just winding you up. 373 00:22:00,477 --> 00:22:02,516 It's not a date, OK? 374 00:22:02,517 --> 00:22:07,356 Emilio's a really nice guy, you get on, and I thought you'd have loads to talk about. 375 00:22:07,357 --> 00:22:10,796 He's into museums, and galleries, and crap like that. 376 00:22:10,797 --> 00:22:13,237 You know me, I don't know good art from a good fart. 377 00:22:13,238 --> 00:22:16,516 Quite. I seem to remember a rather heated debate about Botticelli. 378 00:22:16,517 --> 00:22:19,237 Exactly. Honestly, I thought it was a haemorrhoid cream. 379 00:22:20,437 --> 00:22:22,556 Oh, please, Gavin. 380 00:22:22,557 --> 00:22:26,877 Please see Emilio tonight. You'll enjoy some good, civilised conversation. 381 00:22:27,277 --> 00:22:29,277 It's for my sake as much as yours. 382 00:22:29,837 --> 00:22:32,356 I'm sorry. It wouldn't feel right. Oh, fair enough. 383 00:22:32,357 --> 00:22:36,077 I'll give him a ring, and tell him you're coming on the stag do. Wait! 384 00:22:36,517 --> 00:22:39,796 Hang on. This is DEFINITELY not a date? 385 00:22:39,797 --> 00:22:42,157 How many times? OK. 386 00:22:44,077 --> 00:22:46,116 OK. 387 00:22:46,117 --> 00:22:48,716 I didn't really bring anything smart with me. 388 00:22:48,717 --> 00:22:51,237 And that's why God invented shopping. 389 00:23:00,117 --> 00:23:02,596 Right, I've filled out the accident book, 390 00:23:02,597 --> 00:23:06,156 and I've made it sound like a bit of hi-jinks that got out of hand. 391 00:23:06,157 --> 00:23:09,196 I don't want a stain on my record so soon after arriving. 392 00:23:09,197 --> 00:23:12,036 Now, I want you to go to the printers, 393 00:23:12,037 --> 00:23:14,276 and get posters made up with these rules 394 00:23:14,277 --> 00:23:16,316 for people using the pool. 395 00:23:16,317 --> 00:23:19,596 We can't be too careful now. Sure, no problem. 396 00:23:19,597 --> 00:23:22,836 Oh, and I want them putting up throughout the resort. 397 00:23:22,837 --> 00:23:26,917 I'm going to impose discipline on this place if it kills me. 398 00:23:28,317 --> 00:23:30,317 We should be so lucky. 399 00:23:31,637 --> 00:23:34,436 There you go, my friend. One little blue pill, 400 00:23:34,437 --> 00:23:37,397 but you don't tell nobody where you get it, yes? Cheers. 401 00:23:37,877 --> 00:23:42,436 Appreciate it. So... you hope to get lucky tonight? 402 00:23:42,437 --> 00:23:45,436 Fingers crossed. I've no problem catching the fish, 403 00:23:45,437 --> 00:23:47,277 but I can't always, erm... 404 00:23:48,517 --> 00:23:53,116 Erm... Ah, well. In Benidorm, there are many types of sea creature, 405 00:23:53,117 --> 00:23:56,317 but if you are going to the English square, take a harpoon. 406 00:23:56,437 --> 00:24:00,196 Thanks, Son. Charge it to my room... Garvey. 407 00:24:00,197 --> 00:24:04,437 Charge it to your room? Where do you think you are, The Ritz? Ten euros. 408 00:24:04,757 --> 00:24:07,597 I've got no cash on me. I'll give it you later. 409 00:24:08,397 --> 00:24:12,117 Tonight in Neptunes. You owe me ten euros. I do not forget. 410 00:24:13,357 --> 00:24:15,597 Ten euros for what? 411 00:24:17,517 --> 00:24:19,517 What are you up to? 412 00:24:20,877 --> 00:24:23,796 Nothing. I've just got a bit of a headache. 413 00:24:23,797 --> 00:24:27,037 Fella's got me an aspirin. He charged you ten euros for it? 414 00:24:27,637 --> 00:24:29,797 Robbing Spanish bastards. 415 00:24:30,437 --> 00:24:33,877 Anyway, you're to come up to the apartment, and get changed. 416 00:24:34,277 --> 00:24:36,316 Your costumes have arrived. 417 00:24:36,317 --> 00:24:38,317 All right. I'll be up in a minute. 418 00:24:40,117 --> 00:24:42,117 Grandad! 419 00:24:43,077 --> 00:24:46,597 I've just seen Uncle Pete. He said I can come out tonight. 420 00:24:46,757 --> 00:24:49,637 Oh, grand. Are you coming or what? 421 00:24:50,677 --> 00:24:52,837 Yeah... I think I might be. 422 00:25:01,757 --> 00:25:04,676 Dad says he's running late. He's gonna catch up with us later. 423 00:25:04,677 --> 00:25:07,316 How come? I don't know. He said something had popped up. 424 00:25:07,317 --> 00:25:10,196 Listen, Mick, I've got plenty of cash down here in my bum bag. 425 00:25:10,197 --> 00:25:13,316 I don't want you paying. I don't want any arguments about money. 426 00:25:13,317 --> 00:25:15,596 Dad, can I have a shandy? No. 427 00:25:15,597 --> 00:25:17,597 Why? Uncle Pete said I could. 428 00:25:17,717 --> 00:25:21,236 Maybe just a rum cocktail, help him get in the party mood. 429 00:25:21,237 --> 00:25:23,796 Let's go. The sooner we start, the sooner we finish. 430 00:25:23,797 --> 00:25:27,396 Hello, boys! Hey! 431 00:25:27,397 --> 00:25:30,396 Well, aren't we in for a fun-filled night? 432 00:25:30,397 --> 00:25:34,076 Sorry, are you... I invited Don along when he helped us through the hedge. 433 00:25:34,077 --> 00:25:37,676 Fancy dress was his idea. When you're with a stag party in fancy dress, 434 00:25:37,677 --> 00:25:41,196 you often get the first drink for free. Free! 435 00:25:41,197 --> 00:25:43,636 Yeah, well, that figures. Great costume. 436 00:25:43,637 --> 00:25:46,156 Thank you. I've never really been into drag before, 437 00:25:46,157 --> 00:25:49,396 but recently I served some time at Her Majesty's pleasure, 438 00:25:49,397 --> 00:25:52,836 and I was dismayed at the meagre amounts of food we were given. 439 00:25:52,837 --> 00:25:56,236 Luckily, I became Mr Big's prison bitch, 440 00:25:56,237 --> 00:25:59,797 and watched my portions practically double over night. 441 00:26:03,797 --> 00:26:05,797 Had me going there for a minute. 442 00:26:07,277 --> 00:26:09,157 Are you here for the fancy dress party? 443 00:26:09,158 --> 00:26:11,476 It's not a fancy dress party, it's a stag night. 444 00:26:11,477 --> 00:26:14,956 Michael said it would be all right if I came along. It's my night off. 445 00:26:14,957 --> 00:26:18,196 Can he, Dad, please? I want someone more my age. 446 00:26:18,197 --> 00:26:20,436 Of course he can. The more, the merrier. 447 00:26:20,437 --> 00:26:22,516 Costume not arrive? This is it. 448 00:26:22,517 --> 00:26:26,557 My dad said to say I'm a premature ejaculation. I've just come in my pants. 449 00:26:27,837 --> 00:26:29,837 I don't get it. 450 00:26:29,997 --> 00:26:32,716 Neither do I. Can we just go now, please? 451 00:26:32,717 --> 00:26:36,957 You bitch! This town isn't big enough for the both of us, Donald. 452 00:26:37,317 --> 00:26:40,436 I think you'll find only one of us here has the figure for this. 453 00:26:40,437 --> 00:26:43,756 Kenneth, you look wonderful. 454 00:26:43,757 --> 00:26:47,276 I'm Pete. Pleased to meet you. Rita Hayworth, Miss. 455 00:26:47,277 --> 00:26:49,636 I heard you were hitting the town tonight, 456 00:26:49,637 --> 00:26:52,556 and you know what they say... every stag needs a bit of drag! 457 00:26:52,557 --> 00:26:55,676 I'll second that. I said drag, not slag. 458 00:26:55,677 --> 00:26:58,117 Right, let's go and paint this town scarlet. 459 00:29:12,917 --> 00:29:16,196 Jan, can I come in? 460 00:29:16,197 --> 00:29:18,197 Yeah. 461 00:29:23,317 --> 00:29:25,916 Are you all right, Stan? Er... 462 00:29:25,917 --> 00:29:28,596 Yeah, I've locked myself out. Can I use your bathroom? 463 00:29:28,597 --> 00:29:32,436 Oh, he's got the squits. Everybody gets is first time they come here. 464 00:29:32,437 --> 00:29:36,196 Just avoid the curries, and turn the mattress over when you leave. 465 00:29:36,197 --> 00:29:38,517 No, it's not that. What is it? 466 00:29:39,197 --> 00:29:41,917 Cramp? Er-er-er... not exactly. 467 00:29:42,317 --> 00:29:45,796 Stan, what's wrong with you? I've, er... got a bit of stiffness. 468 00:29:45,797 --> 00:29:49,037 Oh, is it your back? Them beds are shocking. 469 00:29:49,317 --> 00:29:51,477 Or maybe you've pulled something. 470 00:29:51,797 --> 00:29:54,436 Not yet, but I think that might get rid of it. 471 00:29:54,437 --> 00:29:57,397 Come here, let's have a look at you. No, no. I'm all right. 472 00:29:58,317 --> 00:30:02,316 You might want to turn that telly up. Don't worry. You're among friends. 473 00:30:02,317 --> 00:30:05,076 My Mel suffered something terrible with his bowels. 474 00:30:05,077 --> 00:30:08,596 Some nights it was light listening to a dog howling at the moon. 475 00:30:08,597 --> 00:30:11,877 Mother! Right, I'll be back in a couple of shakes. 476 00:30:12,997 --> 00:30:14,997 Oh... 477 00:30:15,477 --> 00:30:17,916 Stan, we've got no paper. 478 00:30:17,917 --> 00:30:19,996 It's all right. I'll use a towel. 479 00:30:19,997 --> 00:30:21,997 No, you bloody won't! 480 00:30:33,357 --> 00:30:35,957 Er... excuse me, por favour... 481 00:30:36,317 --> 00:30:39,117 Gavin! Oh, Emilio. Hello. Hi. 482 00:30:40,037 --> 00:30:42,117 I thought maybe we could have a walk. 483 00:30:42,477 --> 00:30:45,677 It's very dark in there, but out here it's nice. 484 00:30:45,957 --> 00:30:48,277 Well, that sounds lovely. Yes. 485 00:30:49,677 --> 00:30:52,917 This is for you. Oh, thank you. 486 00:30:56,237 --> 00:30:58,237 O-OK. 487 00:31:05,237 --> 00:31:07,357 It was a nice surprise to hear from you. 488 00:31:07,597 --> 00:31:10,717 Well, it wasn't actually... never mind. 489 00:31:11,197 --> 00:31:13,757 I'm sorry Troy has done the splits on you. 490 00:31:14,517 --> 00:31:16,637 I think you must be sad. Yes. 491 00:31:17,317 --> 00:31:20,756 It seems he was more like his father than he ever dared to admit. 492 00:31:20,757 --> 00:31:22,796 He's a fool. 493 00:31:22,797 --> 00:31:24,676 No. 494 00:31:24,677 --> 00:31:26,677 I'm a fool. 495 00:31:27,037 --> 00:31:30,076 Listen, Emilio, it was so nice of you to meet me like this, 496 00:31:30,077 --> 00:31:33,596 but I'm still very raw at the moment and I don't... No. 497 00:31:33,597 --> 00:31:35,636 I'm sorry. 498 00:31:35,637 --> 00:31:38,996 I'm old enough to be your father. Or ar least a rather seedy uncle. 499 00:31:38,997 --> 00:31:41,796 But Gavin, you is what I like. You ARE what I like. 500 00:31:41,797 --> 00:31:45,836 There you go. It's perfect. I like chubby guys. 501 00:31:45,837 --> 00:31:48,876 How dare you? I've been dieting like a mad-woman for over a year. 502 00:31:48,877 --> 00:31:51,397 I'm the dictionary definition of svelte. 503 00:31:52,277 --> 00:31:56,037 You're funny. Oh, I haven't laughed for so long. 504 00:31:56,597 --> 00:32:00,517 First Troy's father died, then the responsibility of the houses. 505 00:32:01,197 --> 00:32:03,837 I'm... sorry, Emilio. I'm wittering. 506 00:32:05,277 --> 00:32:08,356 There's something about the sea brings out my melancholy side. 507 00:32:08,357 --> 00:32:11,197 Maybe you should, er... dip your toes in. 508 00:32:12,237 --> 00:32:14,477 See how it feels. Maybe. 509 00:32:15,077 --> 00:32:17,276 And what if I venture out too far? 510 00:32:17,277 --> 00:32:19,957 Hang onto a boy. That will save you. 511 00:32:21,517 --> 00:32:23,517 Filth. 512 00:32:31,915 --> 00:32:33,954 Smile! 513 00:32:33,955 --> 00:32:37,274 Oh, that's a good one! I'm gonna e-mail these to Kathy. 514 00:32:37,275 --> 00:32:39,954 You've got wifi in the hotel, haven't you? Yes, Pete. 515 00:32:39,955 --> 00:32:43,395 Wahey! It's Captain Caveman! Nice one, Dad! 516 00:32:43,795 --> 00:32:45,755 Get us a beer, Michael. I'm jiggered. 517 00:32:45,756 --> 00:32:48,755 Get his a chaser as well. He's got some catching up to do. 518 00:32:49,395 --> 00:32:51,395 Give over. Daft pratt. 519 00:32:51,955 --> 00:32:54,634 Do you think you'll ever want to get married? 520 00:32:54,635 --> 00:32:59,195 I don't know. I came close last year, but it didn't work out. 521 00:32:59,555 --> 00:33:01,555 Was that with Natalie? 522 00:33:01,715 --> 00:33:03,715 She was well fit. 523 00:33:04,475 --> 00:33:09,195 I nearly had a girlfriend last year. Yeah? What happened? 524 00:33:09,515 --> 00:33:11,515 Well, she was only here for a night. 525 00:33:12,035 --> 00:33:14,035 Her name was Paige. 526 00:33:14,475 --> 00:33:16,795 We had a couple of dates, but then she left. 527 00:33:18,675 --> 00:33:22,994 The page was turned, the chapter was closed. 528 00:33:22,995 --> 00:33:24,995 Yeah. 529 00:33:25,275 --> 00:33:27,394 I don't think I'll ever understand women. 530 00:33:27,395 --> 00:33:29,994 Me neither. It's like my Nana. 531 00:33:29,995 --> 00:33:33,554 When you go to kiss her, she pushes you off and pulls a face, 532 00:33:33,555 --> 00:33:36,674 but on a night, when she's listening to her Johnny Mathis tape, 533 00:33:36,675 --> 00:33:39,755 I can hear her talking to Mel and crying. 534 00:33:40,355 --> 00:33:43,835 She's lonely, but she doesn't like people. It's weird. 535 00:33:51,275 --> 00:33:55,834 So, they're getting divorced via text message? 536 00:33:55,835 --> 00:33:59,114 I must say, that doesn't sound like the Troy I know. 537 00:33:59,115 --> 00:34:02,595 Me neither, but Gavin showed me himself. Look. 538 00:34:03,315 --> 00:34:06,635 I think this new-found wealth has gone straight to his head. 539 00:34:08,755 --> 00:34:11,874 "If your bags aren't packed by the end of the month, 540 00:34:11,875 --> 00:34:15,114 I'll have no option but to take legal action." 541 00:34:15,115 --> 00:34:19,794 There you go. Heartless. It's like he's talking to one of his tenants. 542 00:34:19,795 --> 00:34:22,275 Hey, there's another message straight after. 543 00:34:22,475 --> 00:34:25,275 "Hey, darling. Hope the weather's good." 544 00:34:25,875 --> 00:34:31,234 You what? "I've just forwarded the text I sent to the squatter in Woodland Terrace. 545 00:34:31,235 --> 00:34:34,434 Let me know if you think it's a bit too strong." 546 00:34:34,435 --> 00:34:37,474 Oh, God. "Sorry about our little tiff earlier. 547 00:34:37,475 --> 00:34:42,754 I'll be joining you as soon as I can. Love you always, Troy." 548 00:34:42,755 --> 00:34:45,555 Aw! Three kisses. Oh, shit. 549 00:35:02,475 --> 00:35:07,515 Well, it's buzzing in here tonight. 550 00:35:07,875 --> 00:35:10,195 The doctor did tell you to take it easy. 551 00:35:10,475 --> 00:35:13,475 How's your stubble rash? Piss off, Sam. 552 00:35:13,755 --> 00:35:15,915 It was funny. You've got to admit. 553 00:35:16,195 --> 00:35:19,195 He was a proper BobFoc. A what? 554 00:35:19,515 --> 00:35:21,795 Body off Baywatch, face off Crimewatch. 555 00:35:22,915 --> 00:35:24,915 Hah! Hah! 556 00:35:25,835 --> 00:35:28,755 You should do a bit of karaoke. You've not been up yet. 557 00:35:29,195 --> 00:35:31,195 I could do with a laugh. 558 00:35:32,755 --> 00:35:34,835 Go on then. Give us the book. 559 00:35:35,435 --> 00:35:39,035 Anything's got to be better than this maudlin shite! 560 00:35:43,915 --> 00:35:45,834 I hope our Michael's all right. 561 00:35:45,835 --> 00:35:49,394 They better not have taken him to see Sticky Vicky, or there'll be hell to pay. 562 00:35:49,395 --> 00:35:52,875 I always said them Garveys were a thoroughly bad lot. 563 00:35:53,115 --> 00:35:55,194 Rough as guts, the lot of them. 564 00:35:55,195 --> 00:35:58,994 They'll be wanting to get their bony fingers onto the sun-bed shops, 565 00:35:58,995 --> 00:36:01,235 you mark my words. No, they won't, Mam. 566 00:36:01,795 --> 00:36:04,155 Mick's taken care of all that. Good. 567 00:36:04,395 --> 00:36:06,955 Cos that's all we've got left of Mel's legacy. 568 00:36:07,235 --> 00:36:10,674 And I'll go to my grave before I let anyone mess with that. 569 00:36:10,675 --> 00:36:12,914 You'd better hurry up then. Eh? 570 00:36:12,915 --> 00:36:15,834 Hello. Do you mind if I join you? 571 00:36:15,835 --> 00:36:19,114 I'm worried if she sees me sitting on my own, 572 00:36:19,115 --> 00:36:22,554 she'll force me to join the singles' table. 573 00:36:22,555 --> 00:36:26,035 And I prefer couples to singles, don't you? 574 00:36:26,835 --> 00:36:29,115 Erm, yeah. Help yourself. 575 00:36:29,995 --> 00:36:34,154 I've just seen the boys on their stag do. 576 00:36:34,155 --> 00:36:37,955 They looked in high spirits. Oh. Was Mick all right? 577 00:36:38,155 --> 00:36:41,475 I think so. He wouldn't look me in they eye. 578 00:36:41,675 --> 00:36:46,274 Donald arranged for me to perform my erotic dance 579 00:36:46,275 --> 00:36:48,314 at The Yawning Donkey. 580 00:36:48,315 --> 00:36:53,275 He thought it would be nice for the boys, you know, as a one-off. 581 00:36:53,635 --> 00:36:58,114 Right... and is it suitable for a 13-year-old boy? 582 00:36:58,115 --> 00:37:01,554 Oh, yes. It's very tasteful. 583 00:37:01,555 --> 00:37:04,314 It's based on Swan Lake, 584 00:37:04,315 --> 00:37:09,554 but sadly there wasn't time for them to see my box splits. 585 00:37:09,555 --> 00:37:11,555 Thank frig for that. 586 00:37:13,755 --> 00:37:17,634 Excuse me, love, is Emilio working tonight? 587 00:37:17,635 --> 00:37:20,034 He with man. An English man? 588 00:37:20,035 --> 00:37:24,034 Bald spot? Face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle? 589 00:37:24,035 --> 00:37:26,475 Si. That way. Oh, God. 590 00:37:31,715 --> 00:37:35,435 Don't go away. I'm Rita Hayworth... Miss. 591 00:38:09,995 --> 00:38:11,995 Gavin! 592 00:38:12,195 --> 00:38:14,234 Gavin! 593 00:38:14,235 --> 00:38:18,115 Gavin! Oh! Kenneth, what on earth are you doing? 594 00:38:18,475 --> 00:38:22,234 I hope you've not been following me. Never mind that. Are you still with Emilio? 595 00:38:22,235 --> 00:38:25,474 No, he had to go back to work. I got caught short. 596 00:38:25,475 --> 00:38:29,034 Oh, thank God for that. I had another look at that text from Troy, 597 00:38:29,035 --> 00:38:31,955 and it's all been a big misunderstanding... 598 00:38:34,235 --> 00:38:36,475 We were just discussing Botticelli. 599 00:38:45,115 --> 00:38:47,595 Hey, I've just shown him how to do a suicide tequila. 600 00:38:47,596 --> 00:38:50,874 You snort the salt, down the shot, then squeeze the lemon in your eye. 601 00:38:50,875 --> 00:38:54,194 Do you want one? It stings! No, let's split this bill, 602 00:38:54,195 --> 00:38:56,994 and get back before Michael needs his stomach pumped. 603 00:38:56,995 --> 00:39:02,554 Janice is gonna kill me. I didn't bring any cash with me, I'm afraid. 604 00:39:02,555 --> 00:39:08,034 If you remember, I got the rounds... When they came for free, yeah. 605 00:39:08,035 --> 00:39:11,675 Did the hairdresser leave any money? No, he had to leave in a hurry. 606 00:39:11,875 --> 00:39:15,514 Oh, great. Here, Mick... I'll get this. 607 00:39:15,515 --> 00:39:18,915 You've done enough, letting us stay and everything. 608 00:39:19,395 --> 00:39:22,435 I've had this saved up since last time I came on holiday. 609 00:39:26,155 --> 00:39:29,914 Pete, this is pesetas. You can still spend it, can't you? 610 00:39:29,915 --> 00:39:33,594 They'll change it. They won't! It's been defunct for ten years! 611 00:39:33,595 --> 00:39:36,075 Hey, hey, hey! Don't talk to your brother like that. 612 00:39:36,076 --> 00:39:39,715 He's useless, Dad. He couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery. 613 00:39:39,955 --> 00:39:41,834 Who are you? Alan bloody Sugar? 614 00:39:41,835 --> 00:39:44,874 I've been running five sun-bed shops for the past two years. 615 00:39:44,875 --> 00:39:47,674 What do you want us to do, roll over and shit Mars Bars? 616 00:39:47,675 --> 00:39:49,955 Leave it, Dad. No, I shan't leave it. 617 00:39:50,515 --> 00:39:53,994 You've become a snob, Michael. Ashamed of your own flesh and blood. 618 00:39:53,995 --> 00:39:55,914 He's a piss-taker, Dad. 619 00:39:55,915 --> 00:39:58,874 He's using my money to come on holiday, and pay for his wedding... 620 00:39:58,875 --> 00:40:00,875 There is no wedding. 621 00:40:02,675 --> 00:40:04,675 What? There is no wedding. 622 00:40:05,795 --> 00:40:07,795 He made it all up. 623 00:40:09,355 --> 00:40:12,075 He just wanted to come out and see you, that's all. 624 00:40:23,515 --> 00:40:26,634 I've had a lovely time, but can we all go home now, please. 625 00:40:26,635 --> 00:40:29,635 It-it-it-it's just I think I might actually be blind. 626 00:40:52,915 --> 00:40:54,835 Kathy is his dog. 627 00:40:55,355 --> 00:40:59,835 Greyhound, which you would have known if you'd have come near him these last five years. 628 00:41:00,395 --> 00:41:03,714 Your brother spends all his time looking after me. 629 00:41:03,715 --> 00:41:05,715 He hasn't got time for a girlfriend. 630 00:41:08,195 --> 00:41:10,194 Oh! 631 00:41:10,195 --> 00:41:14,554 Look, every penny he borrows off you goes to my rent, food... 632 00:41:14,555 --> 00:41:16,994 ferrying me back and forth to the hospital. 633 00:41:16,995 --> 00:41:18,995 You didn't know that, did you? 634 00:41:20,555 --> 00:41:23,514 Coming here was an excuse for him to have a break. 635 00:41:23,515 --> 00:41:25,994 A couple of beers in the sun. 636 00:41:25,995 --> 00:41:29,595 I'd have come out with you. You didn't have to make up a stag night. 637 00:41:30,795 --> 00:41:34,915 Didn't he? When was the last time you returned one of his calls? 638 00:41:36,635 --> 00:41:41,234 I mean, you've got Janice, Michael, Chantelle... 639 00:41:41,235 --> 00:41:43,354 even Madge, for God's sake. 640 00:41:43,355 --> 00:41:45,355 Who's he got? Me and you. 641 00:41:46,315 --> 00:41:48,315 And I'm fit for nothing. 642 00:41:49,795 --> 00:41:52,635 You know this will be my last holiday, don't you? 643 00:41:54,475 --> 00:41:56,475 What do you mean, Dad? 644 00:41:58,595 --> 00:42:00,835 He's your brother, Michael. 645 00:42:01,395 --> 00:42:03,395 Never forget that. 646 00:42:04,675 --> 00:42:06,874 Oh... 647 00:42:06,875 --> 00:42:10,195 you're gonna have to order a taxi. I can't walk much further. 648 00:42:10,875 --> 00:42:14,514 What have you been doing that's made you so knackered? Believe me, Son... 649 00:42:14,515 --> 00:42:16,675 you don't want to know. 650 00:42:29,235 --> 00:42:31,275 Whoooo! 651 00:42:37,795 --> 00:42:39,994 Has your friend got an agent? No. 652 00:42:39,995 --> 00:42:42,074 Why, do you think she needs one? Yeah. 653 00:42:42,075 --> 00:42:44,755 A travel agent. Book her on the next flight home. 654 00:42:47,755 --> 00:42:51,874 Goodnight, Benidorm! 655 00:42:51,875 --> 00:42:54,474 Yes, thank you, Trudy. 656 00:42:54,475 --> 00:42:57,754 So glad you've got so much energy after this morning's excitement. 657 00:42:57,755 --> 00:43:00,754 Anyway, next, a classic Rolf Harris number 658 00:43:00,755 --> 00:43:03,875 from our very own Les. Thank you, Les. 659 00:43:06,595 --> 00:43:09,115 Thank you. 660 00:43:19,155 --> 00:43:22,714 Oh, good. Put one behind the bar, Mateo. 661 00:43:22,715 --> 00:43:25,315 I want everyone to know we mean business. 662 00:43:32,515 --> 00:43:35,514 Here, come and sit down. I'll get you a brandy. 663 00:43:35,515 --> 00:43:37,515 It will help take the edge off. 664 00:43:39,795 --> 00:43:43,074 Oh, look. What happens in Benidorm stays in Benidorm. 665 00:43:43,075 --> 00:43:45,074 Troy need never know. 666 00:43:45,075 --> 00:43:48,314 And besides, it was only a kiss and a cuddle, wasn't it? Oh! 667 00:43:48,315 --> 00:43:50,315 There's no law against it. 668 00:43:54,155 --> 00:43:56,155 Oh, better make that a double. 669 00:44:04,995 --> 00:44:09,074 Here we go! One slightly seasick pirate 670 00:44:09,075 --> 00:44:11,714 delivered safe and sound to the captain's table. 671 00:44:11,715 --> 00:44:14,955 Thank God, Michael, you're back. Have you had a good time? 672 00:44:17,035 --> 00:44:19,035 Oh! 673 00:44:27,435 --> 00:44:29,715 Dad? Dad? 674 00:44:30,155 --> 00:44:33,434 I'm serious. I think you might need to take me to hospital. 675 00:44:33,435 --> 00:44:36,995 All I can see is lemon. Dad! 676 00:44:37,795 --> 00:44:41,074 Dad! 677 00:44:41,075 --> 00:44:46,354 Daddy! 678 00:45:00,795 --> 00:45:02,835 Pete... 679 00:45:06,595 --> 00:45:08,595 can I buy you a pint? 680 00:45:13,315 --> 00:45:15,315 Only if they take pesetas. 681 00:45:37,545 --> 00:45:42,845 Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells 682 00:45:43,305 --> 00:45:49,536 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.SubtitleDB.org