1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.SubtitleDB.org today 2 00:00:37,100 --> 00:00:40,300 Eva Braun's got them all hard at it this morning, eh? Yeah. 3 00:00:42,260 --> 00:00:44,740 That reminds me. 4 00:00:44,740 --> 00:00:48,140 I might get the ladyshave out and do my bikini line later. 5 00:00:55,540 --> 00:00:58,740 Second thoughts, I might leave it. 6 00:01:05,860 --> 00:01:09,339 Good morning, everybody! Joyce Temple Savage here, 7 00:01:09,340 --> 00:01:11,899 saying Buenas Dias, Senors and Senores. 8 00:01:11,900 --> 00:01:15,179 She don't let up with them bloody announcements, does she? 9 00:01:15,180 --> 00:01:19,499 The woman's got no class. Not got a clue how to run a business. 10 00:01:19,500 --> 00:01:22,819 As my Mel used to say, you've either got it or you've not. 11 00:01:22,820 --> 00:01:25,779 Isn't that what he used to say to the bailiffs an' all? 12 00:01:25,780 --> 00:01:28,419 I shall choose to ignore that. 13 00:01:28,420 --> 00:01:30,859 Have you seen this? What? 14 00:01:30,860 --> 00:01:33,539 Apparently there's a gang going round Benidorm 15 00:01:33,540 --> 00:01:36,539 and kidnapping people off the streets. Don't talk rot. 16 00:01:36,540 --> 00:01:40,100 It'll be young slappers coming here drinking themselves silly 17 00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:42,020 and climbing into cars with fellas. 18 00:01:42,021 --> 00:01:45,579 No, it says here, they're stealing people's organs. 19 00:01:45,580 --> 00:01:50,899 'A young woman from Chorley went missing for three days, 20 00:01:50,900 --> 00:01:56,579 then turned up dazed and confused in the car park behind the KFC.' 21 00:01:56,580 --> 00:01:59,259 This is Benidorm, that's a good night out, is that. 22 00:01:59,260 --> 00:02:01,299 Claimed she'd been drugged 23 00:02:01,300 --> 00:02:05,219 and had a big scar where her kidney used to be. Bloody hell! 24 00:02:05,220 --> 00:02:07,259 Oi, young man. Language! 25 00:02:07,260 --> 00:02:09,899 You're not too old for smack on the arse, you know. 26 00:02:09,900 --> 00:02:13,020 It's big business! Kidneys, lungs! 27 00:02:13,020 --> 00:02:17,540 It says here, 'Benidorm is becoming the organ theft capital of Spain.' 28 00:02:18,580 --> 00:02:23,459 Morning. Only me. I'm sorry to be late. 29 00:02:23,460 --> 00:02:26,299 I was half way down in the lift 30 00:02:26,300 --> 00:02:30,140 and I realised I'd left my tiddlywinks in the room. 31 00:02:30,140 --> 00:02:34,780 Not to worry, I've got them now. Is that one free? 32 00:02:36,180 --> 00:02:39,819 Excuse me. Thank you. 33 00:02:39,820 --> 00:02:44,779 Flaming heck, that gang didn't leave a number, did they? 34 00:02:44,780 --> 00:02:47,659 Staff announcement, staff announcement, 35 00:02:47,660 --> 00:02:50,819 would all members of the poolside team please report to my office? 36 00:02:50,820 --> 00:02:54,859 All poolside staff to la officina por favor. 37 00:02:54,860 --> 00:02:56,779 Gracias! 38 00:02:56,780 --> 00:02:59,579 I don't know what you see in that drip! 39 00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:01,819 I don't see anything. Just cos I smiled, 40 00:03:01,820 --> 00:03:04,739 it doesn't mean I'll be tugging at his budgie smugglers! 41 00:03:04,740 --> 00:03:08,579 There's no harm in a smile. I smile. No, you snarl. 42 00:03:16,140 --> 00:03:18,059 Call me old fashioned, 43 00:03:18,060 --> 00:03:21,019 but I think a man likes a woman to be feminine, lady like. 44 00:03:21,020 --> 00:03:23,100 He doesn't want his date to cup a fart, 45 00:03:23,100 --> 00:03:26,340 and shout, 'Have a bite of that'! Excuse me, I have never... 46 00:03:27,700 --> 00:03:29,739 Oh, yeah. I bet you ten Euros 47 00:03:29,740 --> 00:03:35,339 you can't go the whole day and night being ladylike and polite. 48 00:03:35,340 --> 00:03:37,939 20 Euros and you're on! 49 00:03:37,940 --> 00:03:42,059 Right! 20 Euros it is! No being rude, swearing, 50 00:03:42,060 --> 00:03:45,499 clearing your nasal passages, farting, 51 00:03:45,500 --> 00:03:47,499 burping the theme tune to The Simpsons 52 00:03:47,500 --> 00:03:49,899 or showing violence or threatening behaviour. 53 00:03:49,900 --> 00:03:51,939 Violence? Like karaoke the other night 54 00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:54,380 when you grabbed that bloke's knackers 55 00:03:54,380 --> 00:03:56,660 and made him sing the Communards? 56 00:03:58,380 --> 00:04:02,260 How long have I got to keep this up? Til midnight tonight! 57 00:04:03,020 --> 00:04:05,780 Hang on, give us a sec. 58 00:04:05,780 --> 00:04:08,220 Oh. 59 00:04:13,060 --> 00:04:16,940 You're on. Easy money. 60 00:04:23,540 --> 00:04:26,379 The Solana can be a four star hotel. 61 00:04:26,380 --> 00:04:28,900 And in the words of Susan Boyle... 62 00:04:28,900 --> 00:04:30,900 'I have a dream.' 63 00:04:32,300 --> 00:04:34,459 This is about standards, 64 00:04:34,460 --> 00:04:40,099 and I have invited the editor of Costa Class, Victor St James, 65 00:04:40,100 --> 00:04:42,139 to review The Solana. 66 00:04:42,140 --> 00:04:44,379 Costa Class? I have never heard of this. 67 00:04:44,380 --> 00:04:48,019 Well, it's a Which Hotel magazine for Spain. 68 00:04:48,020 --> 00:04:49,979 A magazine for witches? 69 00:04:49,980 --> 00:04:52,019 You English people are crazy. 70 00:04:52,020 --> 00:04:55,299 This gentleman deals in top end accommodation, 71 00:04:55,300 --> 00:04:59,939 so we have to show him how classy and professional we are. 72 00:04:59,940 --> 00:05:02,219 Well, I think I can speak on behalf of all of us 73 00:05:02,220 --> 00:05:04,539 when I say we've been working our bollocks off, 74 00:05:04,540 --> 00:05:08,059 so it's only a matter of time til we are shitting class! 75 00:05:08,060 --> 00:05:11,499 Yes, but we don't have any time, because he's coming tonight! 76 00:05:11,500 --> 00:05:13,579 Tonight? Hostia! It was my night off! 77 00:05:13,580 --> 00:05:16,219 I know it's very short notice, 78 00:05:16,220 --> 00:05:20,139 but Mr St James expects the best, so I've sent the chef home, 79 00:05:20,140 --> 00:05:23,019 and Mateo I want you in the kitchen. 80 00:05:23,020 --> 00:05:25,059 Sounds lovely, 81 00:05:25,060 --> 00:05:28,259 but I think we'll stick to paella, traditional Spanish. 82 00:05:28,260 --> 00:05:32,979 Leslie, although Victor probably did go to public school 83 00:05:32,980 --> 00:05:36,179 and has seen it all, I think you should take the night off 84 00:05:36,180 --> 00:05:40,139 and allow Les to handle this. Aw, god bless you, Mrs Savage. 85 00:05:40,140 --> 00:05:42,139 I haven't had a night off for... 86 00:05:42,140 --> 00:05:44,179 Oh, bollocks. 87 00:05:44,180 --> 00:05:47,339 Liam, I am very impressed by how calm you've been. 88 00:05:47,340 --> 00:05:49,219 I thought you'd panic for sure. 89 00:05:49,220 --> 00:05:51,979 Oh uh... Sorry. 90 00:05:51,980 --> 00:05:54,980 The hedge trimmer was giving me a migraine! 91 00:05:54,980 --> 00:05:56,980 Have we started yet? 92 00:06:02,860 --> 00:06:06,659 Ok, here's another one. 93 00:06:06,660 --> 00:06:12,499 I spy with my little eye something beginning with "h". 94 00:06:12,500 --> 00:06:14,659 Hotel? No. 95 00:06:14,660 --> 00:06:18,779 Hand. Hands? No. Handbag? No. 96 00:06:18,780 --> 00:06:21,419 Oh, I've got you all guessing now! 97 00:06:21,420 --> 00:06:24,059 Are you having a guess, Mother? Am I shite! 98 00:06:24,060 --> 00:06:27,099 Come on. Leave her. She's miserable! OK then... 99 00:06:27,100 --> 00:06:30,139 How about "h" for how come I've been sitting here 40 minutes 100 00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:32,059 without you getting a drink in! 101 00:06:32,060 --> 00:06:34,099 Bone idle you, Mick. 102 00:06:34,100 --> 00:06:37,939 Can't even supply your own loved ones with a round of drinks. 103 00:06:37,940 --> 00:06:39,979 Of course I can. 104 00:06:39,980 --> 00:06:42,659 Michael, go and get a round in, there's a good lad. 105 00:06:42,660 --> 00:06:45,659 Lazy bugger. How about you getting me a drink for a change? 106 00:06:45,660 --> 00:06:48,979 Ladies don't get the drinks in, a gentleman does that. 107 00:06:48,980 --> 00:06:51,339 My Mel was a gentleman, 108 00:06:51,340 --> 00:06:53,979 never left me sitting without a drink in my hand. 109 00:06:53,980 --> 00:06:57,739 No, left you sitting without a pot to piss in, though, didn't he? 110 00:06:57,740 --> 00:07:00,419 Right. I'm not sticking around here to be insulted. 111 00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:03,300 Mother, he's only winding you up, Mick, tell her. 112 00:07:03,300 --> 00:07:05,740 She's winding me up. Right, I'm off to shops. 113 00:07:09,340 --> 00:07:11,700 H was for holiday. 114 00:07:13,500 --> 00:07:17,180 We're all on holiday! 115 00:07:23,900 --> 00:07:25,900 Morning, Madge! 116 00:07:27,900 --> 00:07:31,299 What's that you're reading? It's the newsletter from the MSA. 117 00:07:31,300 --> 00:07:34,259 Oh, that's nice. Duck faced Dennis is hosting 118 00:07:34,260 --> 00:07:36,779 but now the finger buffet is at the end of the night 119 00:07:36,780 --> 00:07:38,619 rather than the start. 120 00:07:38,620 --> 00:07:41,139 Aww, makes sense I suppose. 121 00:07:41,140 --> 00:07:44,259 There's been a whip round for a gum shield for big Donna 122 00:07:44,260 --> 00:07:46,939 since she had her braces fitted. Ooooh, lovely. 123 00:07:46,940 --> 00:07:51,179 And the police have asked Fiona and Mandy to drain their hot tub. 124 00:07:51,180 --> 00:07:53,739 Awwww! 125 00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:57,659 There's also a wee article for a phone application 126 00:07:57,660 --> 00:08:01,779 that locates swingers in your local area. Oooooh, really. 127 00:08:01,780 --> 00:08:03,819 Can we use it here? 128 00:08:03,820 --> 00:08:05,859 Anywhere in the world apparently. 129 00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:09,660 You just download it, it does a search, 130 00:08:09,660 --> 00:08:14,700 and Bob's your uncle, before you know it, it's grab flab and stab! 131 00:08:17,300 --> 00:08:20,819 Not too rough with Mr Dixon, Carmen, 132 00:08:20,820 --> 00:08:23,179 and I'd skip the head massage if I were you. 133 00:08:23,180 --> 00:08:25,220 Last time it looked like somebody 134 00:08:25,220 --> 00:08:27,660 had emptied a box of Special K over the floor. 135 00:08:28,980 --> 00:08:32,019 How do you get your hair like that, Madge? My hair? 136 00:08:32,020 --> 00:08:35,620 Oh, it's a mess today. I know. Just wondered how you got it like that. 137 00:08:35,620 --> 00:08:38,340 Piss off! Oh, I was only joking. 138 00:08:40,100 --> 00:08:42,100 Maddy old cow. 139 00:08:56,500 --> 00:08:58,660 Excuse me! 140 00:08:58,660 --> 00:09:01,500 Sorry. Yeah, you will be! 141 00:09:06,420 --> 00:09:08,340 Excuse me. 142 00:09:08,340 --> 00:09:10,340 Do you have a light? 143 00:09:11,580 --> 00:09:14,860 Get off me! Who are you?! Get your hands off me! 144 00:09:14,860 --> 00:09:17,140 Get off me! I don't wanna get in. 145 00:09:18,060 --> 00:09:20,260 Nana! 146 00:09:37,799 --> 00:09:40,638 Morning, Gavin. Go away! 147 00:09:40,639 --> 00:09:42,758 That's not very polite. 148 00:09:42,759 --> 00:09:45,278 Go away... please? 149 00:09:45,279 --> 00:09:48,678 Are we feeling a little tender? 150 00:09:48,679 --> 00:09:51,958 I beg your pardon. Too much sex on the beach? 151 00:09:51,959 --> 00:09:53,998 Have you been speaking to Kenneth? 152 00:09:53,999 --> 00:09:56,038 Whatever he has said, it's all lies. 153 00:09:56,039 --> 00:09:58,078 I meant your head. 154 00:09:58,079 --> 00:10:00,158 Cocktail hangover, is it? 155 00:10:00,159 --> 00:10:02,198 Look, Noreen, I don't mean to be rude 156 00:10:02,199 --> 00:10:04,958 but I'm not in a very good place right now. 157 00:10:04,959 --> 00:10:07,838 Well, we can move into the sun if you like? 158 00:10:07,839 --> 00:10:10,398 What I mean is that I'm not good company right now. 159 00:10:10,399 --> 00:10:14,198 That's still better than no company at all. 160 00:10:14,199 --> 00:10:18,638 Now, why don't I go and order a nice coffee 161 00:10:18,639 --> 00:10:21,078 and you just sit there and relax. 162 00:10:21,079 --> 00:10:23,518 That sounds like bliss. Thank you, Noreen. 163 00:10:23,519 --> 00:10:26,239 And when I come back... 164 00:10:26,239 --> 00:10:28,879 we can have a lovely game of Scrabble. 165 00:10:37,119 --> 00:10:40,958 Right, the bladder is empty and the drinks are ordered. 166 00:10:40,959 --> 00:10:45,599 Good, cos I feel like getting absolutely twa-twa-twa... Twanged! 167 00:10:45,599 --> 00:10:48,799 Totally twanged! 168 00:10:48,879 --> 00:10:50,799 This being a lady lark is a piece of pi... 169 00:10:51,959 --> 00:10:55,838 cake! You're gonna be 20 Euros lighter come midnight! 170 00:10:55,839 --> 00:10:57,878 Don't get too cocky. 171 00:10:57,879 --> 00:10:59,959 I've got a feeling it may get tougher. 172 00:10:59,959 --> 00:11:02,959 Jesus! What the f...! 173 00:11:04,519 --> 00:11:07,439 Sorry. Sorry? So it was you, you little... 174 00:11:08,479 --> 00:11:10,358 sweetheart! 175 00:11:10,359 --> 00:11:13,358 You nearly gave me a heart attack. 176 00:11:13,359 --> 00:11:15,799 Old people talk funny. 177 00:11:15,799 --> 00:11:17,799 Old? 178 00:11:18,959 --> 00:11:20,959 Right. Run along, sonny. 179 00:11:22,639 --> 00:11:24,758 Can you believe him? 180 00:11:24,759 --> 00:11:27,719 Cheeky little ba... Ah ah! 181 00:11:27,719 --> 00:11:29,719 The clock is still running! 182 00:11:33,839 --> 00:11:36,679 I'm sorry, Joyce. I'm absolutely choc a bloc. 183 00:11:36,679 --> 00:11:39,839 You must be joking, I've never see anybody in here. 184 00:11:40,039 --> 00:11:43,518 Excuse me, excuse me. We need to speak to you. It's my mother. 185 00:11:43,519 --> 00:11:47,198 Certainly. Can I be of assistance? We think she's been kidnapped. 186 00:11:47,199 --> 00:11:49,919 My son saw her getting dragged in to the back of a car. 187 00:11:49,919 --> 00:11:51,879 They're very keen, these taxi drivers. 188 00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:56,118 You've only got to hang by the bus stop for a few moments, they think you're fair game. 189 00:11:56,119 --> 00:11:58,278 For God's sake. It's Madge, isn't it? Yeah. 190 00:11:58,279 --> 00:12:01,238 Yeah, I saw her earlier on. I think she was going to the shops. 191 00:12:01,239 --> 00:12:04,718 There you are. She's probably bumped in to old friends and got chatting. 192 00:12:04,719 --> 00:12:07,878 Friends? You obviously don't know her that well, do you? 193 00:12:07,879 --> 00:12:09,958 Michael, tell the woman what you saw. 194 00:12:09,959 --> 00:12:13,278 Well, I saw a bloke follow her out of here, 195 00:12:13,279 --> 00:12:17,478 and I went outside and he was dragging her in to a car. Car. Car. 196 00:12:17,479 --> 00:12:19,958 Well, can you describe this gentleman? 197 00:12:19,959 --> 00:12:23,518 He was quite tall, he had a beard. Didn't look English. 198 00:12:23,519 --> 00:12:26,238 Oh, him! He was absolutely gorgeous. 199 00:12:26,239 --> 00:12:28,918 I asked if he wanted a hot shave but didn't get anywhere. 200 00:12:28,919 --> 00:12:31,278 You said you hadn't got any appointments. 201 00:12:31,279 --> 00:12:33,958 I can always find an opening for some people, Joyce. 202 00:12:33,959 --> 00:12:37,318 Oh, come on, let's go to the police. No, let's not be hasty. 203 00:12:37,319 --> 00:12:39,079 You'll get nowhere with them 204 00:12:39,079 --> 00:12:41,039 if she's been missing less than 48 hours. 205 00:12:41,040 --> 00:12:44,478 Now, I've got contacts there. 206 00:12:44,479 --> 00:12:46,319 Why don't I speak to them 207 00:12:46,319 --> 00:12:48,519 and you go and look for her? Right. Come on. 208 00:12:50,599 --> 00:12:53,078 Very nice of you to offer to help. 209 00:12:53,079 --> 00:12:56,238 So there is a soft side to La Savage after all. 210 00:12:56,239 --> 00:12:58,799 We don't want police swarming round the place 211 00:12:58,799 --> 00:13:01,039 when our friend arrives later now, do we? 212 00:13:02,439 --> 00:13:05,158 You're not busy, are you? What about a French Plait? 213 00:13:05,159 --> 00:13:08,879 Oh, you're joking, aren't you? I had a Chinese buffet for lunch. 214 00:13:08,879 --> 00:13:12,479 I couldn't eat another thing. Gonna help them look for Madge. 215 00:13:15,279 --> 00:13:17,239 Oh, come on, son! 216 00:13:18,719 --> 00:13:20,758 Have you heard anything? 217 00:13:20,759 --> 00:13:24,278 Not yet. He's gone far too long. It's nearly siesta. 218 00:13:24,279 --> 00:13:26,838 The supermarkets will be closed. Have faith! 219 00:13:26,839 --> 00:13:28,879 This is him now. 220 00:13:28,879 --> 00:13:31,839 Liam, son, are you OK? 221 00:13:32,879 --> 00:13:37,279 OK, son, just calm down. Speak very slowly. 222 00:13:38,679 --> 00:13:40,879 Which police station are you in? 223 00:13:40,879 --> 00:13:42,759 Gotcha! 224 00:13:46,039 --> 00:13:48,958 Now, it wasn't easy. Some of them were quite tricky. 225 00:13:48,959 --> 00:13:51,439 I thought Saffron was a posh girl's name, 226 00:13:51,439 --> 00:13:53,679 but turns out it's a spice as well. 227 00:13:55,799 --> 00:13:58,159 And don't get me started on cummin! 228 00:13:58,159 --> 00:14:00,679 Wait! There is something missing! 229 00:14:01,519 --> 00:14:03,838 The chicken! 230 00:14:03,839 --> 00:14:07,158 Tell me you got the chicken! 231 00:14:07,159 --> 00:14:09,198 You got the chicken, didn't you, son? 232 00:14:09,199 --> 00:14:11,358 I told you we could not rely on him. 233 00:14:11,359 --> 00:14:14,598 Shhh shhh shhhh! Relax. Of course I did. 234 00:14:14,599 --> 00:14:16,639 What do you think I am, stupid? 235 00:14:16,639 --> 00:14:19,039 So, where is it? 236 00:14:26,319 --> 00:14:28,639 You asked for fresh! 237 00:14:34,679 --> 00:14:38,159 Oh, Jacqueline, that's another one come through. 238 00:14:38,159 --> 00:14:40,159 Oh, let's have a look. 239 00:14:41,679 --> 00:14:47,758 Oh, my goodness, reminds me of the old Amsterdam days. 240 00:14:47,759 --> 00:14:50,278 Are them her legs? It would appear so. 241 00:14:50,279 --> 00:14:53,798 Hello, they're coming thick and fast now. 242 00:14:53,799 --> 00:14:56,838 It must be that picture of Condoleeza Rice 243 00:14:56,839 --> 00:14:59,519 that I put on my profile. 244 00:14:59,519 --> 00:15:02,439 Hmmm, you've a very good likeness in the right light. 245 00:15:25,759 --> 00:15:30,918 It's no good, it's still switched off. Mick, what are we going to do? 246 00:15:30,919 --> 00:15:35,198 Calm down, we'll find her. What if we don't? What if the gang's got her 247 00:15:35,199 --> 00:15:40,278 and they're cutting her up? They're not going to be chopping Nana up. 248 00:15:40,279 --> 00:15:43,758 They're just going to make an incision across her chest. Mick! 249 00:15:43,759 --> 00:15:47,558 Here you are, I've got these, these should help. What are they? 250 00:15:47,559 --> 00:15:50,318 Here we go, we'll find her in no time with these! 251 00:15:50,319 --> 00:15:52,798 You reckon? I think I got the scooter wrong. 252 00:15:52,799 --> 00:15:56,038 No, I don't flamin' reckon. She isn't even on her scooter. 253 00:15:56,039 --> 00:15:58,958 'Answers to the name of'... Christ. She's not a poodle! 254 00:15:58,959 --> 00:16:00,718 I was only trying to help. 255 00:16:00,719 --> 00:16:02,718 Over there! 256 00:16:02,719 --> 00:16:05,838 Madge! Nanna! Stop! 257 00:16:05,839 --> 00:16:09,078 Come on, down here! Stop! Madge! 258 00:16:09,079 --> 00:16:11,119 Stop! Madge! Stop! 259 00:16:11,119 --> 00:16:13,119 Nana! 260 00:16:14,399 --> 00:16:16,599 Quick, quick. Here, here! 261 00:16:17,439 --> 00:16:19,679 Follow that car. 262 00:16:19,679 --> 00:16:23,719 What's Spanish for 'follow that car'? Senor, follow that car! 263 00:16:37,039 --> 00:16:39,398 Hiya. You all right? 264 00:16:39,399 --> 00:16:42,838 Your friend promised me an ice cream but didn't pay up. 265 00:16:42,839 --> 00:16:45,478 How do you mean? She said if I threw my ball at you 266 00:16:45,479 --> 00:16:47,478 she'd buy me an ice cream. 267 00:16:47,479 --> 00:16:50,158 Did she now! 268 00:16:50,159 --> 00:16:53,638 Well, how's about I treat you to one? 269 00:16:53,639 --> 00:16:55,999 Yeah, go on. But first... 270 00:16:55,999 --> 00:16:58,199 I need you to do me a little favour. 271 00:17:04,999 --> 00:17:07,039 Aw, she looks dead sad. Yeah. 272 00:17:07,039 --> 00:17:09,359 Puts me in mind of somebody... 273 00:17:10,759 --> 00:17:14,878 Meryl Streep! What are you two going on about now? 274 00:17:14,879 --> 00:17:18,438 You know, man, that film, what was it called? Um... 275 00:17:18,439 --> 00:17:23,358 Sophie's Choice. Aw, no. Poor Meryl. Do not get too attached. 276 00:17:23,359 --> 00:17:26,598 Soon you have to decide which one of you will be the... 277 00:17:26,599 --> 00:17:29,599 No, we can't do that. Look at her little face. 278 00:17:29,599 --> 00:17:33,079 You have any better ideas? Mateo! 279 00:17:34,679 --> 00:17:37,118 Quick, hide it! 280 00:17:37,119 --> 00:17:39,358 Ah, there you are! How's it coming along? 281 00:17:39,359 --> 00:17:42,758 Good. It is all good! You seem a bit edgy. 282 00:17:42,759 --> 00:17:46,118 Oh, I have a lot to do. This recipe has to be perfect for you. 283 00:17:46,119 --> 00:17:49,278 What was that? What was what? 284 00:17:49,279 --> 00:17:52,758 That! It sounded just like... 285 00:17:52,759 --> 00:17:55,118 There again! 286 00:17:55,119 --> 00:17:59,558 No, no. Ah, that was probably me, I've got this um... 287 00:17:59,559 --> 00:18:02,518 gag reflex to the smell of rice cooking. 288 00:18:02,519 --> 00:18:06,159 Well, it didn't sound like you that time. 289 00:18:06,159 --> 00:18:08,439 No, it was me. Family trait. 290 00:18:15,439 --> 00:18:17,398 Les, it is time. 291 00:18:17,399 --> 00:18:19,598 Liam, it's time. 292 00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:24,158 I'm gonna take her somewhere quiet and then... 293 00:18:24,159 --> 00:18:26,319 No, I... I don't want to know. 294 00:18:26,319 --> 00:18:28,519 Just do it quickly. 295 00:18:36,559 --> 00:18:40,998 Won't that ice cream melt while you're eating your burger? 296 00:18:40,999 --> 00:18:43,479 No, it's not my ice cream. It's Scot's. 297 00:18:43,479 --> 00:18:45,439 Who's Scot? 298 00:18:48,199 --> 00:18:50,919 There you go, Scot. 299 00:18:55,119 --> 00:18:57,599 I know your tricks. You won't break me. 300 00:18:58,639 --> 00:19:00,799 Oh, shit! 301 00:19:02,039 --> 00:19:05,479 Now now! That's not very ladylike is it? 302 00:19:17,319 --> 00:19:19,319 Stop! It's there! 303 00:19:23,559 --> 00:19:26,199 Are you sure that's the same car? Yeah. 304 00:19:28,679 --> 00:19:31,319 Bloody rubbish. We could have walked faster. 305 00:19:35,999 --> 00:19:38,718 What are you doing? Seeing if it's still warm? 306 00:19:38,719 --> 00:19:41,478 I was wondering if this silver goes with my colouring. 307 00:19:41,479 --> 00:19:43,638 This is definitely the car! 308 00:19:43,639 --> 00:19:46,598 Oh! There's still no answer. 309 00:19:46,599 --> 00:19:48,438 Maybe she's all right. 310 00:19:48,439 --> 00:19:52,078 I mean, she didn't exactly look terrified when we saw her. 311 00:19:52,079 --> 00:19:55,238 Hmm, you have to watch these Arabs. I did a week in Sharm el Sheikh. 312 00:19:55,239 --> 00:19:57,558 It's please and thank you getting into the taxi 313 00:19:57,559 --> 00:20:00,158 then the other end the fare's triple what they asked, 314 00:20:00,159 --> 00:20:02,478 and you've got to nosh them off to the bargain. 315 00:20:02,479 --> 00:20:04,879 Oooh, anybody else hungry? 316 00:20:04,879 --> 00:20:07,119 Shh! 317 00:20:13,639 --> 00:20:15,639 Mick! 318 00:20:18,519 --> 00:20:20,678 Oh, hello. Oh my God, Jacqueline. 319 00:20:20,679 --> 00:20:24,758 Are you all right? What are you doing here? 320 00:20:24,759 --> 00:20:27,758 What's going on? Have you seen Madge? Is she sterilised? 321 00:20:27,759 --> 00:20:29,798 Kenneth! 322 00:20:29,799 --> 00:20:32,598 What a lovely surprise. 323 00:20:32,599 --> 00:20:35,638 Mick. Janice. What the hell's going on? 324 00:20:35,639 --> 00:20:37,919 Perhaps we should step outside. 325 00:20:37,919 --> 00:20:40,559 Come on Michael, out. Out! 326 00:20:45,359 --> 00:20:48,838 So, what? Are you involved in all this organ transplant stuff. 327 00:20:48,839 --> 00:20:52,958 Organ transplant? No no no. This is all very consenting. 328 00:20:52,959 --> 00:20:56,958 So, what were you doing in there? Oh, just a bit of role play. 329 00:20:56,959 --> 00:20:59,758 We were supposed to join a session this evening 330 00:20:59,759 --> 00:21:02,799 but we couldn't find an astronaut costume to fit Jacqueline. 331 00:21:02,799 --> 00:21:07,519 Did you say you were looking for Madge? Last time we saw her... Nana! 332 00:21:08,719 --> 00:21:11,918 Oh, Mother, thank God you're all right. Course I'm all right. 333 00:21:11,919 --> 00:21:14,398 We thought you'd been kidnapped. 334 00:21:14,399 --> 00:21:17,318 Kidnapped? What the frig you talking about? 335 00:21:17,319 --> 00:21:19,758 Oh, it don't matter. As long as you're safe. 336 00:21:19,759 --> 00:21:22,038 But I saw that fella drag you into that car. 337 00:21:22,039 --> 00:21:24,678 Oh... There he is! 338 00:21:24,679 --> 00:21:27,999 Madge, is everything all right? 339 00:21:27,999 --> 00:21:32,639 Everybody, I'd like you to meet Mohammed... 340 00:21:46,763 --> 00:21:49,399 Hello. Is everything all right? 341 00:21:49,399 --> 00:21:52,058 Yes, yes. Bit of a heavy afternoon. 342 00:21:52,317 --> 00:21:54,876 My wife has lost most of the feeling in her legs 343 00:21:54,877 --> 00:21:57,676 but we're hoping she'll be all right by this evening. 344 00:21:57,677 --> 00:22:00,836 I hope the accident didn't occur on Solana premises. 345 00:22:00,837 --> 00:22:04,036 Oh, don't worry, there was no accident. Just over did it slightly. 346 00:22:04,037 --> 00:22:05,956 Didn't we? Oh, yeah. 347 00:22:05,957 --> 00:22:07,756 Yes, I see. 348 00:22:07,757 --> 00:22:10,276 Well, plenty of time to relax now. 349 00:22:10,277 --> 00:22:14,556 No, no, we've got another session lined up for this evening. Session? 350 00:22:14,557 --> 00:22:17,036 All credit to this wee gizmo here. 351 00:22:17,037 --> 00:22:19,596 Are you familiar with swing finder? 352 00:22:19,597 --> 00:22:21,676 Swing finder? 353 00:22:21,677 --> 00:22:24,396 Oh yes, the must-have app for the modern day swinger. 354 00:22:24,397 --> 00:22:28,076 Oh, no. It's not another one, is it? 355 00:22:28,077 --> 00:22:30,716 No, it's just confirmation for tonight's session. 356 00:22:30,717 --> 00:22:33,796 Oh, I say, they're sending a car for us. 357 00:22:33,797 --> 00:22:36,997 Now, that's stylish. Oh, lovely. 358 00:22:36,997 --> 00:22:40,637 I'm sure there's room for another if you're at a loose end this evening? 359 00:22:50,437 --> 00:22:52,636 Thank you, Mohammed. You are most welcome. 360 00:22:52,637 --> 00:22:54,756 So, let's get this straight. 361 00:22:54,757 --> 00:22:57,676 You know my mother through Mel. Is that right? 362 00:22:57,677 --> 00:23:00,276 Mel did a bit of business with Mohammed's Dad. 363 00:23:00,277 --> 00:23:03,756 Did he now? I met Madge's husband several times with my father. 364 00:23:03,757 --> 00:23:06,876 Mel told us all about his beautiful wife. 365 00:23:06,877 --> 00:23:09,956 Yeah, he was married before Madge. Mick! 366 00:23:09,957 --> 00:23:13,356 So you just came to Benidorm to see my mother? 367 00:23:13,357 --> 00:23:17,356 Well, I had something to return to Madge. Mel left this behind 368 00:23:17,357 --> 00:23:21,076 in Mohammed's Dad's office, the day before he passed away. 369 00:23:21,077 --> 00:23:24,076 Thankfully this young man had the good grace 370 00:23:24,077 --> 00:23:27,036 to come here to return it to me. 371 00:23:27,037 --> 00:23:29,596 All this way to return a cigarette case and a picture? 372 00:23:29,597 --> 00:23:33,117 I'm sorry. I just don't believe you. What is wrong with you? 373 00:23:33,117 --> 00:23:35,197 Please... Janice? 374 00:23:36,237 --> 00:23:38,797 Beautiful name. 375 00:23:38,797 --> 00:23:40,757 This is my third time here this year. 376 00:23:40,758 --> 00:23:43,596 And every time I have business in Spain at the end of my trip, 377 00:23:43,597 --> 00:23:45,516 I spend a couple of days here 378 00:23:45,517 --> 00:23:48,356 and wonder if I will find the wonderful woman 379 00:23:48,357 --> 00:23:52,556 Mel spoke of with so much passion and respect. 380 00:23:52,557 --> 00:23:54,597 We have a saying in my country... 381 00:23:54,597 --> 00:23:59,797 You must look in many fields before you find the missing cow. 382 00:24:01,077 --> 00:24:02,997 Yeah, we have a saying in my country... 383 00:24:02,998 --> 00:24:05,076 You're talking absolute bollocks. 384 00:24:05,077 --> 00:24:07,716 Nobody spends a year looking for someone they never met 385 00:24:07,717 --> 00:24:10,316 to give them a crappy old cig case and a worn out photo. 386 00:24:10,317 --> 00:24:12,477 He brought his lighter as well. 387 00:24:12,477 --> 00:24:14,677 Well, at five for a pound that's saved you 20p. 388 00:24:15,757 --> 00:24:19,316 Mr Garvey, I understand your scepticism. 389 00:24:19,317 --> 00:24:22,836 As a son in law, you obviously have a love and respect for Madge 390 00:24:22,837 --> 00:24:26,716 that knows no bounds. But when I discovered Mel died in Marrakech, 391 00:24:26,717 --> 00:24:30,676 and that I had been one of the last people he spoke to, 392 00:24:30,677 --> 00:24:33,316 I felt passing on his possessions, however small, 393 00:24:33,317 --> 00:24:36,956 was the right thing to do. The honourable thing to do. 394 00:24:36,957 --> 00:24:40,796 We thought you were gonna cut my nana up and sell her organs. 395 00:24:40,797 --> 00:24:43,916 Apparently there's a gang in Benidorm 396 00:24:43,917 --> 00:24:46,236 kidnapping people and selling their organs. 397 00:24:46,237 --> 00:24:49,316 On the telly, it said they even sell their skin. 398 00:24:49,317 --> 00:24:52,036 Yeah, when we heard our Michael had seen you grab Madge 399 00:24:52,037 --> 00:24:55,836 we thought you were a hitman for World of Leather. This makes sense. 400 00:24:55,837 --> 00:24:59,276 So the woman with the red hair, perhaps she was from this gang. 401 00:24:59,277 --> 00:25:01,796 Yeah, this woman with red hair tried to grab me. 402 00:25:01,797 --> 00:25:05,876 She was with two fellas and a white van. A white van! 403 00:25:05,877 --> 00:25:08,876 That's them! Oh, my God, Mother! 404 00:25:08,877 --> 00:25:12,076 But Mohammed grabbed me off her and put me in his car. 405 00:25:12,077 --> 00:25:15,236 What are you doing?! Get your hands off her! 406 00:25:15,237 --> 00:25:18,036 What are you doing? Get off me! 407 00:25:18,037 --> 00:25:20,436 Get off me! 408 00:25:20,437 --> 00:25:22,436 Who are you?! 409 00:25:22,437 --> 00:25:25,557 You saved my nana's life! 410 00:25:25,557 --> 00:25:28,797 Oh. Please, I only did what anyone else would do. 411 00:25:31,037 --> 00:25:34,636 I would like you to be my guests for dinner this evening at my hotel, 412 00:25:34,637 --> 00:25:36,996 The Asia Gardens. Oooh, that sounds nice. 413 00:25:36,997 --> 00:25:40,637 No, you've saved my mother's life. 414 00:25:40,637 --> 00:25:42,757 We'll be buying you dinner tonight. 415 00:25:44,157 --> 00:25:46,357 Mick? 416 00:25:46,357 --> 00:25:49,117 Well... He's just said he wants to buy us dinner. 417 00:25:51,157 --> 00:25:53,436 All right... 418 00:25:53,437 --> 00:25:57,517 Yeah, we'll take you to a little place we know, not far from here. 419 00:25:57,517 --> 00:26:00,997 It's very exclusive. It's called Neptunes. 420 00:26:15,677 --> 00:26:17,716 Have you seen my dad? No. Why? 421 00:26:17,717 --> 00:26:21,196 Well, between me and you, he's gone to choke the chicken. 422 00:26:21,197 --> 00:26:23,236 Only... 423 00:26:23,237 --> 00:26:26,916 He's been gone 20 minutes so I think he might be struggling. 424 00:26:26,917 --> 00:26:30,436 It's an age thing. He likes to think he's hard, but... 425 00:26:30,437 --> 00:26:32,876 Right. Maybe I should go and give him a hand. 426 00:26:32,877 --> 00:26:37,036 OK... I tried earlier but I couldn't finish it off 427 00:26:37,037 --> 00:26:40,676 so he went out the back to try and finish it himself. Poor Meryl... 428 00:26:40,677 --> 00:26:42,717 Meryl? 429 00:26:42,717 --> 00:26:45,077 That's his little pet name for it. 430 00:26:48,277 --> 00:26:50,236 Well, helloooo. 431 00:26:50,237 --> 00:26:54,196 Joyce Temple Savage, welcome to The Solana. 432 00:26:54,197 --> 00:26:56,236 You must be Victor. 433 00:26:56,237 --> 00:26:58,436 Victor St James. Costa Class magazine. 434 00:26:58,437 --> 00:27:01,676 Thank you for coming, we're delighted... I'll tell you something. 435 00:27:01,677 --> 00:27:05,356 I am absolutely busting for the bog. 436 00:27:05,357 --> 00:27:09,716 Well, we have full toilet facilities on all levels. 437 00:27:09,717 --> 00:27:13,076 This drinking pints is no use for me. 438 00:27:13,077 --> 00:27:16,277 I'll siphon the python and meet you for a cheeky half in the bar? 439 00:27:16,277 --> 00:27:18,517 Over here, yeah? 440 00:27:20,917 --> 00:27:25,396 I'm telling you, man, she's got this way of looking at you. 441 00:27:25,397 --> 00:27:28,196 It is a he, not a she! What? 442 00:27:28,197 --> 00:27:32,117 It is a cock. I know a cock when I see one. 443 00:27:32,117 --> 00:27:34,877 Well, it's as if he's looking right into your soul. 444 00:27:35,997 --> 00:27:38,036 I couldn't do it, man. 445 00:27:38,037 --> 00:27:41,556 Ah, you will not hurt a chicken but you will see my family starve. 446 00:27:41,557 --> 00:27:45,436 Because if I don't get this paella right, I will get fired! 447 00:27:45,437 --> 00:27:47,876 Can we not make a vegetarian paella? 448 00:27:47,877 --> 00:27:49,916 Vegetarian? 449 00:27:49,917 --> 00:27:52,397 This is Spain, we eat meat! 450 00:27:52,397 --> 00:27:56,197 Hostia! I will have to take care of this myself. 451 00:27:57,597 --> 00:27:59,637 It takes a real man to do a man's job. 452 00:27:59,637 --> 00:28:01,637 I will be back shortly. 453 00:28:11,757 --> 00:28:13,717 Room for a little one? 454 00:28:13,717 --> 00:28:15,717 Oh, of course. 455 00:28:18,997 --> 00:28:23,397 I say... Isn't it a lovely colour of blue, the water in Spain. 456 00:28:23,397 --> 00:28:25,397 Yes. 457 00:28:27,037 --> 00:28:31,236 Noreen, I just wanted to say sorry about earlier. 458 00:28:31,237 --> 00:28:33,276 I was a bit off. 459 00:28:33,277 --> 00:28:35,556 Oh, don't worry about it. 460 00:28:35,557 --> 00:28:39,996 What do you say I take you out for a nice meal tonight? 461 00:28:39,997 --> 00:28:42,036 My way of saying sorry. 462 00:28:42,037 --> 00:28:44,637 We could eat at Neptune's. 463 00:28:44,637 --> 00:28:46,637 I said, 'A NICE meal'. 464 00:28:49,077 --> 00:28:51,476 Oh, why the heck not? 465 00:28:51,477 --> 00:28:54,837 We're on holiday. It's nice to do something a bit different. 466 00:28:54,837 --> 00:28:56,797 Yes. 467 00:29:04,357 --> 00:29:06,996 Oh, I'm really sorry, Victor, 468 00:29:06,997 --> 00:29:08,956 I didn't realise you were here. 469 00:29:08,957 --> 00:29:12,117 I've been waiting for you outside the loo. 470 00:29:12,117 --> 00:29:14,117 Careful. That's how I got started. 471 00:29:15,917 --> 00:29:17,716 Oh, Kenneth. 472 00:29:17,717 --> 00:29:21,876 Shouldn't you be manning the international beauty salon? 473 00:29:21,877 --> 00:29:27,116 We're very lucky to have Kenneth. He's very big all over the Costas. 474 00:29:27,117 --> 00:29:29,156 Chance would be a fine thing. 475 00:29:29,157 --> 00:29:33,636 He was just telling me about his celebrity client list. Celebrity? 476 00:29:33,637 --> 00:29:35,877 Apparently he's done them all. 477 00:29:35,877 --> 00:29:37,837 Yeah, and I've cut their hair. 478 00:29:40,117 --> 00:29:42,236 So, how do you style Elton John's hair? 479 00:29:42,237 --> 00:29:44,236 Between me and you, Victor, 480 00:29:44,237 --> 00:29:47,116 I just pop it on an eco wash and tumble dry it for half an hour. 481 00:29:47,117 --> 00:29:50,037 He's none the wiser. 482 00:29:50,037 --> 00:29:53,197 Kenneth, could I have a little word with one? Do excuse us. 483 00:29:56,997 --> 00:29:58,756 What are you playing at? 484 00:29:58,757 --> 00:30:01,637 Have you been sniffing the perming solution again? 485 00:30:01,637 --> 00:30:03,757 No, I'm trying to inject a bit of excitement. 486 00:30:03,837 --> 00:30:05,596 He was in Loret De Mar last week, 487 00:30:05,597 --> 00:30:08,556 and he gave this place five stars cos it had quilted bog roll. 488 00:30:08,557 --> 00:30:11,596 He knows his onions, this one. I'm sure I can handle it. 489 00:30:11,597 --> 00:30:15,156 I've had a lot of experience dealing with high class clientele. 490 00:30:15,157 --> 00:30:18,436 High class? You've got to be joking! He's rough as a badger's arse. 491 00:30:18,437 --> 00:30:21,476 Victor may be presenting himself as an uncouth Northerner 492 00:30:21,477 --> 00:30:24,077 with low standards and a coarse turn of phrase, 493 00:30:24,077 --> 00:30:25,877 but it's a ploy to catch us off guard. 494 00:30:30,317 --> 00:30:33,236 Victor. Could I offer you one of our signature cocktails? 495 00:30:33,237 --> 00:30:36,797 Any brown ale'll do for me, Jill. Joyce. 496 00:30:36,797 --> 00:30:40,797 And fetch us some more of them nuts, will you? 497 00:30:46,957 --> 00:30:49,557 Shh, I think that's them. What's he doing, man? 498 00:30:50,637 --> 00:30:53,597 Aw, what have you let it out the cage for? 499 00:30:53,597 --> 00:30:57,197 He's got this way of looking at you. 500 00:30:59,477 --> 00:31:02,597 It's OK, Meryl. It's OK. 501 00:31:03,957 --> 00:31:06,076 Be very quiet. 502 00:31:06,077 --> 00:31:08,116 Stay very still. 503 00:31:08,117 --> 00:31:10,317 When he does not expect it, I will pounce. 504 00:31:10,317 --> 00:31:14,517 One, two, three... 505 00:31:25,397 --> 00:31:27,797 You grab the legs. The legs! 506 00:32:01,133 --> 00:32:05,572 Here at Neptunes, we offer live entertainment seven nights a week. 507 00:32:05,651 --> 00:32:08,570 Right. You'll notice a nautical theme throughout, 508 00:32:08,930 --> 00:32:11,049 reflecting the name, Neptunes, 509 00:32:11,050 --> 00:32:13,689 coming from the Latin for sea, 510 00:32:13,690 --> 00:32:18,490 as in Nep, and tunes... as inmusic. 511 00:32:18,490 --> 00:32:21,330 So, Victor, what do you think so far? 512 00:32:22,130 --> 00:32:25,969 To be honest with you, it's all right. 513 00:32:25,970 --> 00:32:30,289 All right? Place like this, there's only so much you can do with it. 514 00:32:30,290 --> 00:32:33,689 This is bargain bucket stuff this, ain't it, love, hey? 515 00:32:33,690 --> 00:32:37,329 Don't get me wrong, I'm all for giving the punters what they want, 516 00:32:37,330 --> 00:32:40,489 but this lot here, egg and chips, dose of prickly heat, 517 00:32:40,490 --> 00:32:43,009 they're like pigs in shit. Well, I wouldn't say... 518 00:32:43,010 --> 00:32:46,289 But the crowd that run it aren't daft. That's why they've got you in. 519 00:32:46,290 --> 00:32:50,009 Well, exactly. Any more crisps? 520 00:32:50,010 --> 00:32:53,649 Oh, this is Mateo Castellanos. He's our head barman. 521 00:32:53,650 --> 00:32:56,089 He's very experienced 522 00:32:56,090 --> 00:33:00,169 and always goes that extra mile with the customers. 523 00:33:00,170 --> 00:33:03,569 Mateo, could you please get Mr St James a selection of nibbles? 524 00:33:03,570 --> 00:33:09,169 Mateo! A selection of nibbles for Mr St James, please. 525 00:33:09,170 --> 00:33:13,650 What is "nibbles"? And some dips and crudites if you please. 526 00:33:13,650 --> 00:33:17,610 I do not know what any of these things are. 527 00:33:20,850 --> 00:33:24,449 Very conscientious member of staff. 528 00:33:24,450 --> 00:33:29,050 He must be looking for some broken glass or sundry items. 529 00:33:29,050 --> 00:33:32,450 I'll get you some more crisps. 530 00:33:35,050 --> 00:33:37,089 I cannot find it anywhere. 531 00:33:37,090 --> 00:33:39,129 Leave it to our Liam, he'll find it. 532 00:33:39,130 --> 00:33:41,929 Right, vegetarian paella coming up! 533 00:33:41,930 --> 00:33:45,009 Oh, no! Liam son! 534 00:33:45,010 --> 00:33:48,969 What has he done now? He's left the heat on, man, it's ruined! 535 00:33:48,970 --> 00:33:51,009 Oh, no. 536 00:33:51,010 --> 00:33:53,289 That's it! It's all over. 537 00:33:53,290 --> 00:33:56,849 Ah, well, as my old dad used to say... 'You can't polish a turd, 538 00:33:56,850 --> 00:33:59,410 but you can spray it with air freshener.' 539 00:33:59,410 --> 00:34:02,650 What does it mean? It means we go to plan B! 540 00:34:04,210 --> 00:34:06,249 But you cannot cook. 541 00:34:06,250 --> 00:34:10,890 You want a bet? I was a chef on the oil rigs before our Liam was born. 542 00:34:10,890 --> 00:34:15,330 What I can't do with a couple of gas rings and a wooden spoon is nobody's business. 543 00:34:21,130 --> 00:34:24,169 Well, that was lovely. 544 00:34:24,170 --> 00:34:26,449 I've never had seal before. 545 00:34:26,450 --> 00:34:28,769 I think you'll find that was veal, Noreen. 546 00:34:28,770 --> 00:34:32,090 Was it? Better not tell our Geoff. 547 00:34:32,090 --> 00:34:35,130 He's very funny about that sort of thing. 548 00:34:37,770 --> 00:34:39,809 Are you missing your fella? 549 00:34:39,810 --> 00:34:42,649 I'm managing. 550 00:34:42,650 --> 00:34:47,449 What about that nice chap that has the hairdressers? 551 00:34:47,450 --> 00:34:49,569 What about him? 552 00:34:49,570 --> 00:34:51,969 Well, would you and him not make a nice couple? 553 00:34:51,970 --> 00:34:55,009 Troy and I haven't actually split up. 554 00:34:55,010 --> 00:34:58,569 And besides, I don't think he'd really be my type. 555 00:34:58,570 --> 00:35:00,609 No, true. 556 00:35:00,610 --> 00:35:03,849 I mean, he's quite butch, isn't he? 557 00:35:03,850 --> 00:35:10,769 Everything's so out in the open these days. 558 00:35:10,770 --> 00:35:14,129 In my day, it was all hush hush. 559 00:35:14,130 --> 00:35:20,009 I remember a lovely young lass called Georgie Smith. 560 00:35:20,010 --> 00:35:22,649 She ran the mobile shop. 561 00:35:22,650 --> 00:35:27,889 Everybody said they thought she was a bit... You know? 562 00:35:27,890 --> 00:35:31,089 Really? 563 00:35:31,090 --> 00:35:33,529 Just because she wore steel cap boots 564 00:35:33,530 --> 00:35:36,570 and made me lift up my skirt and show her my knees 565 00:35:36,570 --> 00:35:39,850 before she'd give me my change. 566 00:35:41,010 --> 00:35:42,849 I don't know. 567 00:35:42,850 --> 00:35:44,889 Would you like a dessert? 568 00:35:44,890 --> 00:35:48,089 I don't think so, thank you. 569 00:35:48,090 --> 00:35:51,249 It's always best not to go on a full stomach. 570 00:35:51,250 --> 00:35:55,690 Remember that night with the lovely couple from Hemel Hempstead? 571 00:35:55,690 --> 00:35:59,410 How could I forget? Scotch egg and Guinness is a heady mix indeed. 572 00:36:00,770 --> 00:36:02,610 Still no sign of the driver. 573 00:36:02,610 --> 00:36:06,210 I'm sure it'll all be fine, though. It seems very well organised. 574 00:36:07,890 --> 00:36:13,169 Seeing as we're celebrating my nana not being kidnapped and chopped up 575 00:36:13,170 --> 00:36:16,089 can I have a proper drink? How many times? No! 576 00:36:16,090 --> 00:36:18,289 But, Mam... I know. 577 00:36:18,290 --> 00:36:20,849 You're 13. You can have a ginger beer. 578 00:36:20,850 --> 00:36:23,089 What's that? It's as good as it gets, son. 579 00:36:23,090 --> 00:36:26,569 At least it's got the word beer in it. Nice one. 580 00:36:26,570 --> 00:36:30,009 This food is very interesting. 581 00:36:30,010 --> 00:36:33,369 I don't think I have tasted anything like this before. 582 00:36:33,370 --> 00:36:36,289 No, you won't have done. What's the food like in Marrakech? 583 00:36:36,290 --> 00:36:39,089 I bet it's not like this. No, not at all. 584 00:36:39,090 --> 00:36:43,009 It is... How do you say? Fresh. 585 00:36:43,010 --> 00:36:47,530 So um... What kind of business are you in, Mohammed? 586 00:36:47,530 --> 00:36:50,010 You've obviously got a lot of time on your hands. 587 00:36:50,011 --> 00:36:52,369 Have you got absolutely no manners whatsoever? 588 00:36:52,370 --> 00:36:55,649 I work for my father. He has many business interests. 589 00:36:55,650 --> 00:36:57,569 He first started many years ago 590 00:36:57,570 --> 00:37:00,209 making rugs for three hotel chains in Marrakech. 591 00:37:00,210 --> 00:37:02,089 In fact, the first time I met Mel, 592 00:37:02,090 --> 00:37:04,089 he was admiring a rug in my father's shop. 593 00:37:04,090 --> 00:37:06,729 Don't tell us. He bought one and never paid for it? 594 00:37:06,730 --> 00:37:08,729 How much do we owe you? 595 00:37:08,730 --> 00:37:11,929 My father now owns all three of those hotel chains. 596 00:37:11,930 --> 00:37:16,089 He still has his rug shop. He kept it out of sentimental reasons. 597 00:37:16,090 --> 00:37:20,929 But there is a small matter of Mel's business dealings in Marrakech. 598 00:37:20,930 --> 00:37:22,849 I wondered how long it would take. 599 00:37:22,850 --> 00:37:27,089 Mel had invested a considerable amount of money in Marrakech. 600 00:37:27,090 --> 00:37:29,369 I would like to help you to retrieve it. 601 00:37:29,370 --> 00:37:31,449 You what? 602 00:37:31,450 --> 00:37:35,089 We can discuss that tomorrow. This is not a time for business. 603 00:37:35,090 --> 00:37:38,089 This is a time for remembrance and celebration. 604 00:37:38,090 --> 00:37:41,209 Celebration of the life of a good man. 605 00:37:41,210 --> 00:37:44,649 Here here. Well, we don't mind talking about business now, do we? 606 00:37:44,650 --> 00:37:47,289 Here's to Mel Harvey. 607 00:37:47,290 --> 00:37:51,370 What are we talking about, Mohammed, like a property? A bar? What? 608 00:37:51,370 --> 00:37:54,970 Tomorrow. Mel Harvey! 609 00:37:57,170 --> 00:37:59,490 Dad, are you all right? You're sweating. 610 00:38:05,210 --> 00:38:08,010 Yeah, it's the first time I've ever worn a kilt. 611 00:38:08,010 --> 00:38:12,010 Quite nice in this heat, because it lets all the air into your bits. 612 00:38:13,850 --> 00:38:15,890 What's up with your face? 613 00:38:15,890 --> 00:38:20,530 I think I know exactly what game Mr St James is playing. 614 00:38:20,610 --> 00:38:23,169 He is trying to lure me into dropping my guard, 615 00:38:23,170 --> 00:38:25,809 but I'm afraid he's picking on the wrong character. 616 00:38:25,810 --> 00:38:27,849 Can I have a quiet word, Mrs Savage? 617 00:38:27,850 --> 00:38:30,209 Where's Mateo, where's this paella? 618 00:38:30,210 --> 00:38:33,649 It's just coming. Mateo says he's very sorry about the delay, 619 00:38:33,650 --> 00:38:36,729 but he had to make a few minor adjustments to the recipe. 620 00:38:36,730 --> 00:38:38,729 Ah, I needed that. 621 00:38:38,730 --> 00:38:41,009 Victor, this is Les. 622 00:38:41,010 --> 00:38:45,529 He is one of several Michelin star chefs who work at our Solana. 623 00:38:45,530 --> 00:38:47,489 Nice to meet you. Michelin star? 624 00:38:47,490 --> 00:38:51,450 Do you know Francoise Chelley? Name rings a bell. 625 00:38:51,450 --> 00:38:53,370 Did he play for Carlisle? 626 00:38:55,570 --> 00:38:59,529 Ah, here we are. I asked the kitchen staff to make you something special. 627 00:38:59,530 --> 00:39:02,570 Come on. I'm sure Mr St James is bound to be hungry. 628 00:39:02,570 --> 00:39:05,290 He's only had... Eight. Eight bags of crisps. 629 00:39:14,890 --> 00:39:17,289 Ta da! 630 00:39:17,290 --> 00:39:20,009 Bangers and mash?! 631 00:39:20,010 --> 00:39:23,729 Ah, but with proper English bangers. None of your Spanish shite! 632 00:39:23,730 --> 00:39:26,209 Oh, my God. Victor, I'm so sorry. 633 00:39:26,210 --> 00:39:30,169 I specifically asked the kitchen to make you a traditional Spanish dish. 634 00:39:30,170 --> 00:39:33,290 You what? Traditional Spanish? 635 00:39:33,290 --> 00:39:35,450 I can't be buggered with any of that muck. 636 00:39:36,010 --> 00:39:38,090 No, this is proper grub, this is. 637 00:39:38,090 --> 00:39:41,090 Like I told you, Jill, give the punters what they want. 638 00:39:42,490 --> 00:39:45,850 Well, don't just stand there. Get us a knife and fork. 639 00:39:56,930 --> 00:39:59,010 Well, I must say, Eliza Doolittle, 640 00:39:59,010 --> 00:40:01,490 your transformation to a lady is almost complete. 641 00:40:02,570 --> 00:40:05,649 And so is my 20 Euro reward. Don't remind me. 642 00:40:05,650 --> 00:40:08,729 I hope you're gonna put it towards getting wasted tonight. 643 00:40:08,730 --> 00:40:12,009 Maybe. I might just take it easy though. 644 00:40:12,010 --> 00:40:15,290 There's a sightseeing tour of a local church tomorrow morning. 645 00:40:15,290 --> 00:40:17,090 I want to be up for that. 646 00:40:18,090 --> 00:40:20,569 You're not serious, are you? 647 00:40:20,570 --> 00:40:24,369 Why not?! I've been missing out on culture and polite society. 648 00:40:24,370 --> 00:40:27,009 I might just give it a shot. 649 00:40:27,010 --> 00:40:30,449 Better than lying in bed nursing a hangover? 650 00:40:30,450 --> 00:40:33,569 I've created a bleedin' monster! I want my best mate back, 651 00:40:33,570 --> 00:40:36,849 the one that farts and swears and arm wrestles for drinks! 652 00:40:36,850 --> 00:40:41,130 She's a thing of the past, Sam. This is the new and improved me. 653 00:40:41,130 --> 00:40:44,770 Right, one more, then an early night, I think. 654 00:40:49,290 --> 00:40:52,569 Are you sure I can't tempt you to a cafe con leche by the pool? 655 00:40:52,570 --> 00:40:55,289 Nah. Victor... 656 00:40:55,290 --> 00:40:58,129 Let's cut to the chase. 657 00:40:58,130 --> 00:41:01,209 You what? We both know what's been going on. 658 00:41:01,210 --> 00:41:04,089 I've had 25 years in the service industry. 659 00:41:04,090 --> 00:41:07,209 It takes a lot to pull the wool over my eyes. 660 00:41:07,210 --> 00:41:09,569 Oh... right. OK then. 661 00:41:09,570 --> 00:41:12,129 How does 400 sound? 662 00:41:12,130 --> 00:41:14,289 What? 663 00:41:14,290 --> 00:41:16,569 OK. 350, provided you make it British money. 664 00:41:16,570 --> 00:41:19,009 Exchange rate's crap at the minute. 665 00:41:19,010 --> 00:41:22,449 I don't know what you're talking about. Ah, I see what you're doing. 666 00:41:22,450 --> 00:41:24,489 Bit exposed here, is it? 667 00:41:24,490 --> 00:41:28,289 We can always go through somewhere a bit more private and discuss it. 668 00:41:28,290 --> 00:41:30,009 Hang on. 669 00:41:30,010 --> 00:41:33,289 You want me to pay for this review? Of course I do! 670 00:41:33,290 --> 00:41:36,729 How else is a dump like this going to get a decent write up? 671 00:41:36,730 --> 00:41:39,489 350? Yeah. 672 00:41:39,490 --> 00:41:42,569 I can't afford that. It's deal or no deal? 673 00:41:42,570 --> 00:41:45,450 You have a think about it. I'll just nip off to the... 674 00:41:45,450 --> 00:41:47,370 The bog. I know. 675 00:41:54,570 --> 00:41:56,649 All right, gorgeous. 676 00:41:56,650 --> 00:41:58,489 Hiya. 677 00:41:58,490 --> 00:42:01,489 I was just uh... admiring the view. 678 00:42:01,490 --> 00:42:03,489 Of what? 679 00:42:03,490 --> 00:42:05,569 Oh, I see. 680 00:42:05,570 --> 00:42:08,929 If I'd known that, I would have charged you. 681 00:42:08,930 --> 00:42:12,289 Oh, I'm sorry. 682 00:42:12,290 --> 00:42:14,729 Um... 683 00:42:14,730 --> 00:42:16,649 How does 20 Euros sound? 684 00:42:16,650 --> 00:42:18,369 I beg your pardon. 685 00:42:18,370 --> 00:42:20,209 All right. 25. 686 00:42:20,210 --> 00:42:22,369 They don't half push their luck around here. 687 00:42:22,370 --> 00:42:26,449 You really need to move your hand! 688 00:42:26,450 --> 00:42:28,930 I think it's fine where it is. Do you? 689 00:42:28,930 --> 00:42:31,330 Excuse me one minute! 690 00:42:38,410 --> 00:42:40,450 What's that for? 691 00:42:48,650 --> 00:42:51,570 20 Euros? Dickhead. 692 00:42:51,570 --> 00:42:53,530 50... and I might have thought about it. 693 00:42:56,290 --> 00:43:00,330 Eliza has left the building! 694 00:43:04,770 --> 00:43:06,850 Still no sign. I don't understand it. 695 00:43:06,850 --> 00:43:10,090 I'll pop to the ladies and freshen up. 696 00:43:21,930 --> 00:43:23,930 Mmm? 697 00:43:26,730 --> 00:43:28,769 Party... Party. 698 00:43:28,770 --> 00:43:31,849 Ah, yes! Party of two. I got the manager to call us a taxi. 699 00:43:31,850 --> 00:43:36,289 I don't trust the ones on the street! Yes, that's us. 700 00:43:36,290 --> 00:43:39,209 Rose. Ah, yes, she's an English rose. 701 00:43:39,210 --> 00:43:41,289 Come on, Noreen. Let's head back! 702 00:43:41,290 --> 00:43:43,289 Wait. 703 00:43:43,290 --> 00:43:46,129 Before we go, a toast! 704 00:43:46,130 --> 00:43:49,210 Here's to making mistakes! 705 00:43:49,210 --> 00:43:51,210 Mistakes! 706 00:43:58,730 --> 00:44:01,089 Donald, I've just figured out what's wrong. 707 00:44:01,090 --> 00:44:03,850 I'm not wearing my secret signal. 708 00:44:03,850 --> 00:44:07,090 Of course. They'll be able to spot us now. 709 00:44:11,410 --> 00:44:14,770 Did they tell you where we are going at the restaurant? The Solana. 710 00:44:14,770 --> 00:44:16,890 Si. Si. 711 00:44:21,050 --> 00:44:24,730 I always get the ones that don't speak any English. Oh, sod it. 712 00:44:24,730 --> 00:44:28,770 I'm not going to worry any more. Que Sara Sara! Que Sara Sara! 713 00:44:33,690 --> 00:44:35,730 Just nod. It's easier. 714 00:44:35,730 --> 00:44:38,610 Si, senor! 715 00:44:46,090 --> 00:44:48,569 Oh. Ah! 716 00:44:48,570 --> 00:44:52,289 I am so sorry, Victor! I hope you won't hold this against us. 717 00:44:52,290 --> 00:44:54,849 Because, I wouldn't want... If you don't mind... 718 00:44:54,850 --> 00:44:58,049 I think I'll just step outside for a spot of air. Oh! 719 00:44:58,050 --> 00:45:00,650 I'm feeling a little bit... Yes. Just a minute. Um... 720 00:45:00,650 --> 00:45:02,650 There. 721 00:45:13,370 --> 00:45:17,009 Everything all right, Mrs Savage? Les, it's a disaster. 722 00:45:17,010 --> 00:45:19,289 I wouldn't worry. He seemed to enjoy himself. 723 00:45:19,290 --> 00:45:22,130 What sort of stuff is he going to print about us now? 724 00:45:22,130 --> 00:45:25,290 It'll take a miracle to get us out of this. 725 00:45:30,050 --> 00:45:32,489 Excuse me. Do you have a light? 726 00:45:32,490 --> 00:45:34,330 I don't smoke, darling. 727 00:45:34,330 --> 00:45:36,890 You must have healthy lungs then? 728 00:45:38,690 --> 00:45:41,290 Not as healthy as yours, love, hey? 729 00:45:42,850 --> 00:45:45,090 Hey, what's going on?! Hey, what's this?! 730 00:45:45,090 --> 00:45:47,930 What's happening? What are you doing? 731 00:45:52,534 --> 00:46:24,734 Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells 732 00:46:25,305 --> 00:46:31,707 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.SubtitleDB.org