1 00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.SubtitleDB.org today 2 00:00:42,320 --> 00:00:46,120 Funny things, toes, when you think about it, aren't they? 3 00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:49,200 And the moment is ruined. 4 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:53,520 I mean, you've got ten of them, like little fingers, 5 00:00:53,560 --> 00:00:56,000 but you can't do anything with them, can you? 6 00:00:56,040 --> 00:00:57,720 Mmm. 7 00:00:57,760 --> 00:01:00,760 There was a fella in Ireland did paintings with his. 8 00:01:00,800 --> 00:01:03,360 He won an Oscar for it. 9 00:01:03,400 --> 00:01:07,200 I don't think I could paint a picture with my feet. Do you, Mick? 10 00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:09,640 Mmm. Like ten little sausages. 11 00:01:10,640 --> 00:01:14,560 Imagine if they were all joined together. They'd be like two big chops. 12 00:01:16,000 --> 00:01:18,400 Is that why they call them 'plates of meat'? 13 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:22,080 Is it, Mick? It's rhyming slang. 14 00:01:22,120 --> 00:01:24,960 What? Plates of meat... feet. 15 00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:27,440 Oh, yeah. Rhyming slang. 16 00:01:28,280 --> 00:01:30,840 Do you know any more? Yeah. 'Shut the book up.' 17 00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:33,440 Shut the book...? 18 00:01:34,720 --> 00:01:36,840 Oh, that's nice! 19 00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:39,480 Well, we can sit in silence, if that's what you want. 20 00:01:39,520 --> 00:01:41,520 Oh, finally! 21 00:01:48,240 --> 00:01:50,240 Jan... 22 00:01:52,240 --> 00:01:54,240 Janice, I'm sorry. All right? 23 00:01:55,520 --> 00:02:00,000 It's just, I've had a lot of stress with the sun-bed shop burning down and everything... 24 00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:03,520 and this is my one chance to relax before it all kicks off again. 25 00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:07,400 Janice... 26 00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:10,600 Come on. Tell me about your toes. 27 00:02:14,320 --> 00:02:19,680 Well, I was just saying: imagine if all your toes were fused together... 28 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:22,320 Oh, for Christ's sake! You asked me to tell... 29 00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:27,080 Oh, god, Mother! What's she playing at? 30 00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:30,000 I thought Borat was going home today. He was. 31 00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:33,560 I think my mother's taken a shine to him. 32 00:02:33,600 --> 00:02:38,160 She's like one of them older women who go out with younger men... a cougar. 33 00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,800 Cougar? 34 00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:41,840 More like Freddie Krueger. 35 00:02:57,440 --> 00:03:00,160 Oh, my god! I think I've come to the wrong place. 36 00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:03,320 Oh, excuse me, love. Could you tell me where the Solana is, please? 37 00:03:03,360 --> 00:03:07,880 Oh, Kenneth, you're so funny. You're in a good mood. What's the occasion? 38 00:03:07,920 --> 00:03:10,960 Are Boots doing a three-for-two on frosted-peach lipstick? 39 00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:13,520 We've had the most fabulous bit of news. 40 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:16,160 You're being transferred to Faliraki? No, cheeky. 41 00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:20,880 A contact of mine now works for the British Olympic Association. 42 00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:34,200 So exciting! The great and the good of Benidorm high society 43 00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:38,000 are attending the gala tonight, including the deputy mayor. 44 00:03:38,040 --> 00:03:40,960 Synchronised swimming? Boring. 45 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:44,640 A load of teens with pegs on their noses splashing around? No, thanks. 46 00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:49,280 Hey, there's a lot of work goes into them routines, Kenneth. You mark my words. 47 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:52,040 I mean, from the waist up it's all grace and elegance, 48 00:03:52,080 --> 00:03:56,080 but down below they're thrashing about like a bag of cats in a canal, man! 49 00:04:01,560 --> 00:04:06,200 I say, that's a nifty-looking set of wheels, Madge! 50 00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:10,040 The Tandoori Tandem... only one in Benidorm. 51 00:04:10,520 --> 00:04:15,200 We wanted to have a stroll on the promenade, so I hired it for the day. 52 00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:20,000 This is Mr Mohammed... he was a friend of Mel's from Morocco. 53 00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:23,320 Donald and Jacqueline Stewart. Good to know you. 54 00:04:25,920 --> 00:04:27,840 Ah, you speak Arabic? 55 00:04:27,880 --> 00:04:32,160 Donald spent a bit of time in Tangiers last year... 56 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:35,720 well, let's say on a canoeing expedition. 57 00:04:36,240 --> 00:04:38,240 You picked it up there, didn't you? 58 00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:43,200 From your accent, I'd say you come from the southwest of the country. 59 00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:46,320 I live in Marrakesh, but my family's from Casablanca. 60 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:49,040 Ah. 'Who loves ya, baby?' 61 00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:52,400 Er... here's looking at you, kid. 62 00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:55,240 Donald, stop it! 63 00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:58,040 Honestly, he'll flirt with anyone! 64 00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:02,120 I'll see you later. Bye! 65 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:10,680 What did he say? It translates as, 'I feel like chicken tonight.' 66 00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:12,720 I bet he does, the mucky Arab. 67 00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:15,880 No offence. 68 00:05:18,680 --> 00:05:22,000 Pack your stuff up, Queen, cos we are going on a trip. 69 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:24,560 How do you mean? I've booked us on a booze cruise. 70 00:05:24,600 --> 00:05:26,600 Booze cruise? 71 00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:31,760 'We drop the anchor. You get wankered.' Hmm, subtle. 72 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:35,360 Oh, come on, Sam. It'll be fun. 73 00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:38,880 I woke up this morning wondering if the bric-a-brac market was on. 74 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,440 So? I'm starting to think like an old person! 75 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,480 No, you're right... we should get out for a bit. 76 00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:50,320 I've been playing Shag, Marry, Kill round the pool, and I'm currently serving 27 life sentences for murder. 77 00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:51,760 Exactly. 78 00:05:51,800 --> 00:05:56,720 It comes to something when the nearest thing to eye candy is Brylcreem Billy over there. 79 00:05:57,280 --> 00:06:00,160 I think he fancies you. Oh, behave. 80 00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:02,200 He's like a shaved polar bear. 81 00:06:04,840 --> 00:06:06,480 What about Liam? He's young. 82 00:06:06,520 --> 00:06:08,520 What, little Ron Weasley? 83 00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:13,440 You fancy him, don't you? Get lost! 84 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:17,320 Natalie thought he was cute in a Some Mothers Do Have 'Em way, 85 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:20,360 but nah, he's not my type at all. 86 00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:24,560 Come on, then. You can help me pick out a thong-and-sarong combo. 87 00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:36,480 You know the Olympic games? Aye. 88 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:38,160 What do all the rings stand for? 89 00:06:38,200 --> 00:06:41,560 Oh, it's the five different continents, like. 90 00:06:41,600 --> 00:06:44,640 Yellow's for Australia, cos they get a lot of sun. 91 00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:47,440 Blue's for the Antarctic, cos it's so cold. 92 00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:50,840 Black's Africa... for obvious reasons. 93 00:06:50,880 --> 00:06:55,920 Asia's red, cos it's full of Communists, and green's America. 94 00:06:55,960 --> 00:06:57,920 Something to do with the dollar. 95 00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:02,040 You missed Europe out. Oh, I think Europe might have joined quite late. 96 00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:06,680 Kenneth, what do the five different coloured rings represent? 97 00:07:07,640 --> 00:07:12,080 Mykonos, 1989. Ooh, what a holiday that was! 98 00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:15,760 The Olympic rings were designed in 1912 by Pierre de Coubertin, 99 00:07:15,800 --> 00:07:17,560 father of the modern Olympiad. 100 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:22,600 De Coubertin also coined the Olympic motto, 'Citius, altius, fortius.' 101 00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:24,760 Faster, higher, stronger! 102 00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:27,320 Thank you, girls. Rest easy. 103 00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:29,000 Bloody hell. It's the Hitler Youth. 104 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:31,520 Stand up, boy, when your elders enter a room. 105 00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:36,160 Hazel McCafferty. Could you tell the manager I wish to speak with him? 106 00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:38,120 Oh, it's a 'she'. 107 00:07:38,160 --> 00:07:41,480 Would you tell the manager I wish to speak with him, please, madam? 108 00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:44,960 No, no, I meant the manager is a 'she'. It's a lady. 109 00:07:45,000 --> 00:07:49,840 I am so sorry. Joyce Temple-Savage, Solana manageress. You must be Hazel. 110 00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:53,200 That is correct. I won't touch you. I'm hapnophobic. 111 00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:56,520 What starrage is this hotel? 112 00:07:57,360 --> 00:08:00,200 I beg your pardon? How many stars do you have? 113 00:08:00,840 --> 00:08:05,520 We are what is known in the hotel industry as four-star-pending. 114 00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:08,800 So, three stars. Girls, we are leaving. 115 00:08:08,840 --> 00:08:10,640 Is there a problem? 116 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:14,160 We are preparing for the London Olympic Games. 117 00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:16,920 We are not a school trip or a hen party. 118 00:08:16,960 --> 00:08:21,080 It is paramount that my girls have first-class accommodation and facilities, 119 00:08:21,120 --> 00:08:23,200 and I don't see that in your establishment. 120 00:08:23,240 --> 00:08:25,480 Put the leaflet down, Hermione. 121 00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:27,600 We are here in Spain to compete, 122 00:08:27,640 --> 00:08:32,440 not to throw ourselves down a rusty metal chute into a pool of hepatitis-filled slime. 123 00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:34,440 I'm sorry. We shan't be staying. 124 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:38,920 Let's not get off on the wrong foot, Miss McCafferty. 125 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:43,880 I have allocated your girls Executive Twin rooms. 126 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:49,160 I have also upgraded you to the luxurious El Presidente suite. 127 00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:51,400 There's a honeymoon couple just checked in. 128 00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:53,440 They've just cancelled. 129 00:08:53,960 --> 00:08:58,960 I can also offer you a free beauty treatment at our in-house salon, 130 00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:02,560 where you'll be attended to by our very own Kenneth. 131 00:09:02,600 --> 00:09:06,440 Excuse me... I'll need exclusive use of the pool for training purposes. 132 00:09:06,480 --> 00:09:08,760 I'm sure we can come to some arrangement. 133 00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:11,000 Very well. Girls, check in and go to your rooms. 134 00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:14,000 Practice will begin at 1100 hours sharp. 135 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:15,800 We'll see how we get on. 136 00:09:15,840 --> 00:09:19,880 Excuse me... I can assure you you'll have an excellent stay here, 137 00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:23,360 and your girls will be perfectly safe with us at all times. 138 00:09:23,400 --> 00:09:26,800 I wish to report an abduction and an attempted sexual assault. 139 00:09:46,697 --> 00:09:51,937 Yes, my love? Just a coffee, son. Strong and black. 140 00:09:51,977 --> 00:09:55,497 Ah, someone has been burning the candle in both ends! 141 00:09:55,537 --> 00:09:58,457 I was in town last night with Gavin, 142 00:09:58,497 --> 00:10:01,137 the gentleman who's here on his own, 143 00:10:01,177 --> 00:10:06,897 and we must have had the friendliest taxi driver in all of Benidorm. 144 00:10:06,937 --> 00:10:11,217 He invited us to a party with some of his friends, 145 00:10:11,257 --> 00:10:16,377 and we played the funniest game of Blind Man's Buff. 146 00:10:16,417 --> 00:10:18,377 What is Blind Man Buff? 147 00:10:18,417 --> 00:10:23,897 Well, you tie somebody up, and then you try to feel one another. 148 00:10:24,617 --> 00:10:30,177 But in Spain they play it with a full leather mask on. 149 00:10:30,817 --> 00:10:35,297 And then to make it harder, everybody took their clothes off. 150 00:10:39,217 --> 00:10:41,657 Oh, what a scream! 151 00:10:43,057 --> 00:10:45,057 Ta-ta! Ta-ta. 152 00:10:46,057 --> 00:10:49,297 Mateo, I want you to help me get everyone out of the pool. 153 00:10:49,337 --> 00:10:52,817 Is there a problem? The swimmers want to practise for tonight. 154 00:10:54,137 --> 00:10:57,537 Wow-wow-wow-wow! 155 00:10:59,177 --> 00:11:01,257 Are you sure these girls are English? 156 00:11:01,297 --> 00:11:03,137 Well, they're British. Why? 157 00:11:03,177 --> 00:11:05,177 They do not have ass like jelly. 158 00:11:06,297 --> 00:11:10,617 Mateo, they're athletes, and if you can stop slavering like a dog at a barbecue, 159 00:11:10,657 --> 00:11:13,577 you might have the honour of seeing them in action. 160 00:11:13,617 --> 00:11:15,617 I empty pool. 161 00:11:16,257 --> 00:11:18,897 Excuse me! Everybody, get out of the pool! 162 00:11:18,937 --> 00:11:21,417 Quick... you need to get out. Choppy-choppy. 163 00:11:22,897 --> 00:11:24,497 Vite, vite. Yalla-yalla. 164 00:11:24,537 --> 00:11:28,337 Our Olympic sportswomen need the pool for training purposes. 165 00:11:28,377 --> 00:11:31,657 I'm sure you won't mind vacating the pool for just a moment. 166 00:11:32,697 --> 00:11:38,177 Thanking you for your indulgence, this is Joyce Temple-Savage signing out. 167 00:11:38,217 --> 00:11:42,497 Bloody cheek! You pay for all-inclusive, then they turf you out the pool, 168 00:11:42,537 --> 00:11:46,577 so a load of hairy lesbians can swill their sweaty gussets! 169 00:11:46,617 --> 00:11:48,617 They're very graceful athletes. 170 00:11:48,657 --> 00:11:51,137 Oh, beautiful. 171 00:11:51,177 --> 00:11:53,177 I could watch it all day long. 172 00:12:00,497 --> 00:12:04,577 So, Mel was in business with your old man, was he, Mohammed? 173 00:12:04,617 --> 00:12:07,657 He means your father. Ah, that is correct, yes. 174 00:12:07,697 --> 00:12:10,097 And it's Mr Mohammed to you. Eh? 175 00:12:10,137 --> 00:12:13,217 His Christian name's the same as his second name. 176 00:12:13,257 --> 00:12:15,497 That's what they do in Morocco, isn't it? 177 00:12:15,537 --> 00:12:17,417 Yes, but not Christian name. 178 00:12:17,457 --> 00:12:19,577 So, what is your Christian name, then? 179 00:12:19,617 --> 00:12:22,217 I do not have one. So, your middle name's Mohammed? 180 00:12:22,257 --> 00:12:24,777 It is my given name and my family name. 181 00:12:24,817 --> 00:12:27,137 Mohammed Mohammed? Mohammed Mohammed. 182 00:12:27,177 --> 00:12:29,697 It is my father's name, and his father before that. 183 00:12:29,737 --> 00:12:34,017 Bloody hell! I bet it's fun handing out the presents round your house on Christmas Day! 184 00:12:34,057 --> 00:12:37,737 They don't have Christmas, do they? They have whatsit. Passover. 185 00:12:37,777 --> 00:12:40,777 Ramadan. That's it. How do you celebrate that? 186 00:12:40,817 --> 00:12:47,577 From dawn to sunset for one month, we must refrain from eating, drinking and sexual relations. 187 00:12:47,617 --> 00:12:51,257 Jesus! I couldn't go without food for a month. 188 00:12:51,297 --> 00:12:54,817 I've always said we could learn a thing or two from the Muslims. 189 00:12:55,697 --> 00:12:57,457 When have you ever said that? 190 00:12:57,497 --> 00:12:59,817 They look after their old people. 191 00:12:59,857 --> 00:13:03,337 You'd never see a Muslim grandmother left to fend for herself. 192 00:13:03,377 --> 00:13:04,897 They get included. 193 00:13:04,937 --> 00:13:08,577 You get included, Mam! You're always coming on holiday with us. 194 00:13:08,617 --> 00:13:13,657 Oh, a week in Benidorm, and that's your duty done for the year... is that what you think? 195 00:13:13,697 --> 00:13:16,377 I didn't say that. If we were Muslamic, 196 00:13:16,417 --> 00:13:18,737 you'd have me living with you in your house. 197 00:13:18,777 --> 00:13:23,137 Where's all this come from? You were perfectly happy last night. What's got into you? 198 00:13:23,177 --> 00:13:26,857 Oh, don't worry. I'll be out of your hair soon enough. 199 00:13:27,577 --> 00:13:31,497 Come along, Mohammed. I'd like to show you the Benidorm Palace. 200 00:13:31,537 --> 00:13:34,097 And I can see we're not wanted here. 201 00:13:34,137 --> 00:13:36,457 Thank you, but first I must pray. 202 00:13:37,617 --> 00:13:39,377 Do you know which way is Mecca? 203 00:13:39,417 --> 00:13:43,617 Oh, don't worry about that... they have bingo on here later. 204 00:13:43,657 --> 00:13:45,657 Come on. Follow me. 205 00:13:49,737 --> 00:13:51,737 What was all that about? God knows. 206 00:14:10,217 --> 00:14:12,737 Is everything to your satisfaction, Hazel? 207 00:14:12,777 --> 00:14:15,297 Just as I thought... 21 degrees. 208 00:14:15,337 --> 00:14:20,057 An Olympic pool must be heated to a minimum of 25 to 28 degrees, 209 00:14:20,097 --> 00:14:22,577 and it'll be even colder tonight. 210 00:14:22,617 --> 00:14:25,897 Well, it'll just make them kick a bit harder, won't it? 211 00:14:25,937 --> 00:14:27,937 Watch your splits, Madeleine! 212 00:14:29,497 --> 00:14:33,337 You need a cleaner entry, Evie. I can still see ripples. 213 00:14:33,377 --> 00:14:36,217 Ah, yes. That is because the water is cold. 214 00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:38,977 Hazel, I've been thinking. 215 00:14:39,017 --> 00:14:43,937 While we pamper you this afternoon, the girls might like to do a bit of sightseeing. 216 00:14:43,977 --> 00:14:47,577 They must be sick of being stuck in a pool for hours and hours. 217 00:14:47,617 --> 00:14:51,457 Out of the question. I couldn't possibly let them go out in Benidorm. 218 00:14:51,497 --> 00:14:53,177 God knows what they might pick up. 219 00:14:53,217 --> 00:14:57,897 No, no. I was thinking of Calpe or Altea... nice little Spanish towns, 220 00:14:57,937 --> 00:15:00,017 where they won't see any trouble. 221 00:15:00,057 --> 00:15:02,337 Well, anything to get them out of this slum. 222 00:15:02,377 --> 00:15:04,897 But I shall need to accompany them at all times. 223 00:15:04,937 --> 00:15:07,017 Oh, nonsense. You stay here and relax. 224 00:15:07,057 --> 00:15:11,537 I have got a member of staff who's a very able chaperone. Mateo... 225 00:15:11,577 --> 00:15:13,537 Si? Go and fetch Liam. 226 00:15:13,577 --> 00:15:15,577 I've got a job for him. Go on. 227 00:15:16,577 --> 00:15:18,577 They're very good, aren't they? 228 00:15:24,217 --> 00:15:25,937 'My dearest Troy. 229 00:15:25,977 --> 00:15:29,457 I don't think I could bear to see your face when I tell you this, 230 00:15:29,497 --> 00:15:32,497 so I'm taking the coward's way out and writing it down. 231 00:15:33,617 --> 00:15:36,337 I've been a fool and can only beg that you will... 232 00:15:39,177 --> 00:15:44,177 one day forgive me.' 233 00:15:47,137 --> 00:15:48,977 Yoo-hoo! 234 00:15:49,017 --> 00:15:51,017 Anybody home? 235 00:15:55,297 --> 00:15:57,177 Hello, love! 236 00:15:58,337 --> 00:16:00,577 Look... I found this... Oooh! 237 00:16:05,057 --> 00:16:09,577 I'm sorry. I just wanted to return this fan to you. 238 00:16:09,617 --> 00:16:12,297 I'll have you know that notepaper was laid ivory. 239 00:16:12,337 --> 00:16:14,537 It's almost one pound a sheet! 240 00:16:14,577 --> 00:16:16,737 Oh, 'eck. 241 00:16:17,497 --> 00:16:19,697 Now, please, just leave me alone. 242 00:16:19,737 --> 00:16:21,737 All right. 243 00:16:22,537 --> 00:16:24,537 I am sorry. 244 00:16:29,977 --> 00:16:32,097 'Eck! 245 00:16:32,137 --> 00:16:34,137 It's stuck. 246 00:16:50,497 --> 00:16:53,257 There you go... what did I tell you? 247 00:16:53,297 --> 00:16:56,217 Wow! I'd almost forgotten what real men look like. 248 00:16:56,257 --> 00:17:00,057 Looks like there's ten times more guys than girls, an' all. 249 00:17:03,777 --> 00:17:06,457 Thank you, darling. 250 00:17:06,497 --> 00:17:09,897 I'll just stick this wristband on you. All your drinks are included. 251 00:17:09,937 --> 00:17:11,777 Nice one. Are they named spirits? 252 00:17:11,817 --> 00:17:13,377 Well, they've got names. 253 00:17:13,417 --> 00:17:15,977 Got any Grey Goose vodka? I've got Grey Squirrel. 254 00:17:16,017 --> 00:17:18,337 Or you could have a Quack Daniels and Coke. 255 00:17:20,097 --> 00:17:23,737 You get what you pay for. Oh, yeah? What's your gin... Pork Eater? 256 00:17:23,777 --> 00:17:26,617 No, but you might be, after a few glasses of it. 257 00:17:29,897 --> 00:17:32,257 Sorry, darling. 18 to 30s only. 258 00:17:32,297 --> 00:17:35,697 You what? I can't let you on if you're over 30. Company policy. 259 00:17:35,737 --> 00:17:39,377 Cheeky sod! I've got a ticket. Well, your rep should have told you. 260 00:17:39,417 --> 00:17:42,617 She is 30, anyway. Yeah, right! 261 00:17:42,657 --> 00:17:45,657 I am. I've just had a hard life. 262 00:17:45,697 --> 00:17:49,537 What year were you born, then? 1989. 263 00:17:49,577 --> 00:17:52,777 Making you, what, 23? Life's not that hard, sweetheart. 264 00:17:52,857 --> 00:17:56,257 Look... just because I'm slightly older 265 00:17:56,297 --> 00:17:59,897 doesn't mean I can't party down with the rest of the kids. 266 00:18:00,657 --> 00:18:02,897 What was the last tune you downloaded? 267 00:18:02,937 --> 00:18:04,937 It was... Spandau Ballet. 268 00:18:04,977 --> 00:18:07,337 You're not helping yourself, sweetheart! 269 00:18:07,377 --> 00:18:11,017 Oh, let her on. She's always looked ten years older than she is. 270 00:18:11,057 --> 00:18:12,537 Thanks, Queen! 271 00:18:12,577 --> 00:18:14,577 All right. Fine. We won't go. 272 00:18:15,217 --> 00:18:17,657 Thanks, mate! And if we don't get a refund, 273 00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:21,497 I won't be the only one in Benidorm with a broken arm. Ignorant tosser! 274 00:18:21,537 --> 00:18:24,257 It's all right, Sam. You go and have a good time. 275 00:18:24,297 --> 00:18:26,297 I'll catch up with you later. 276 00:18:27,977 --> 00:18:29,977 Are you sure? Yeah. I'm sure. 277 00:18:30,817 --> 00:18:32,817 See you. 278 00:18:52,257 --> 00:18:57,177 Oh, look! There's Gavin, waving! Whooo! 279 00:18:57,217 --> 00:19:01,417 Come down! You're missing the synchronised swimming! 280 00:19:01,457 --> 00:19:04,617 Ah, he's not bothered. Bless him. 281 00:19:05,257 --> 00:19:09,457 I never had him down as the sporty type, to be honest. Did you? 282 00:19:09,497 --> 00:19:13,657 Well, we can't all be blessed with an athlete's physique. 283 00:19:13,697 --> 00:19:15,537 You do a lot of sport, do you? Yes. 284 00:19:15,577 --> 00:19:20,777 We can often be found in the weightlifting suite at the Tees Valley Gym and Sauna, can't we? 285 00:19:20,817 --> 00:19:25,697 Oh, yes. Donald wipes the floor at the over-50s clean and jerk. 286 00:19:25,737 --> 00:19:28,817 And Jacqueline's snatch has to be seen to be believed. 287 00:19:28,857 --> 00:19:31,457 I don't doubt it! 288 00:19:41,337 --> 00:19:44,737 Sit down, love. You'll do yourself a mischief. 289 00:19:45,297 --> 00:19:49,057 Why is everybody ignoring me? Am I invisible or something? 290 00:19:49,097 --> 00:19:51,137 Who said that? 291 00:19:51,177 --> 00:19:52,897 Ah, got you! 292 00:19:52,937 --> 00:19:55,577 This is ridiculous. There must be something we can do. 293 00:19:55,617 --> 00:19:57,617 Just a minute. 294 00:20:01,337 --> 00:20:03,377 Ta-da! 295 00:20:03,417 --> 00:20:06,537 What was it Jean-Paul Sartre said? 'Hell is other people.' 296 00:20:06,577 --> 00:20:10,137 Oh, I know. Good job it's just the two of us. 297 00:20:12,577 --> 00:20:14,577 Come on. Rack up. 298 00:20:24,357 --> 00:20:27,477 So, this is the lovely town of Calpe. 299 00:20:27,517 --> 00:20:30,397 This is where the local fishermen come with their fish, 300 00:20:30,437 --> 00:20:35,917 to sell to the local restaurants here, so that they can sell it to us as food. 301 00:20:37,677 --> 00:20:40,197 I don't know whether any of you have ever had crabs, 302 00:20:40,237 --> 00:20:45,197 but these are meant to be some of the nicest ones what people have ever tasted. 303 00:20:47,437 --> 00:20:52,317 Michael... There are other types of seafood here... 304 00:20:52,357 --> 00:20:57,957 in-in-including prawns, erm... little baby octopuses... 305 00:20:58,997 --> 00:21:01,077 Hey, look... they do boat trips. 306 00:21:06,877 --> 00:21:09,877 It's no good... I can't think of anything to say. 307 00:21:09,917 --> 00:21:12,077 Ah, you're doing really well. Am I? 308 00:21:12,117 --> 00:21:18,717 Yeah. Well, they haven't paid, so what are they gonna do... ask for their money back? 309 00:21:18,757 --> 00:21:21,477 Girls? No, girls! 310 00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:27,237 This isn't on the itinerary. 311 00:21:27,277 --> 00:21:29,797 Yeah, I know. We're going off piste. 312 00:21:29,837 --> 00:21:31,597 Come on... it'll be a laugh. 313 00:21:31,637 --> 00:21:35,877 I don't know. Excuse me. Do you actually go out to sea? 314 00:21:35,917 --> 00:21:39,637 No. No, we go inland from here, up the hills, near Altea! 315 00:21:39,677 --> 00:21:42,277 Oh, well, I don't think that... I'm taking the piss, mate. 316 00:21:42,317 --> 00:21:45,277 We go out by the rock, four hours, all-inclusive. 317 00:21:45,317 --> 00:21:47,277 Do you actually provide refreshments? 318 00:21:47,317 --> 00:21:50,477 45 euros, all in. You'll not leave thirsty... I'll promise you that. 319 00:21:50,517 --> 00:21:52,997 There's eight of us... is that all right? 320 00:21:53,037 --> 00:21:55,917 Oh, that's the best kind of party! Welcome aboard. 321 00:21:56,997 --> 00:21:58,957 In you go, sweetheart. 322 00:21:58,997 --> 00:22:01,757 Whoa! 18 to 30s, son. 323 00:22:01,797 --> 00:22:03,717 I am 18. 324 00:22:03,757 --> 00:22:09,597 Date of birth? 13th of May, 19...72. 325 00:22:10,797 --> 00:22:13,037 I bet your maths teacher's a bit shit, isn't she? 326 00:22:13,077 --> 00:22:17,637 Ah, yeah, she's proper strict... she makes us do fractions and... 327 00:22:17,677 --> 00:22:19,237 Oh, er... 328 00:22:19,277 --> 00:22:21,237 Sorry, son. 329 00:22:23,237 --> 00:22:26,637 I can't really leave the girls on their own, so... 330 00:22:26,677 --> 00:22:29,757 Will you be all right here for four hours, or do you want to go back? 331 00:22:29,797 --> 00:22:32,077 Pssst! Eh? 332 00:22:32,557 --> 00:22:36,677 I'll get him on the boat... don't you worry. I've got a plan. 333 00:22:36,717 --> 00:22:39,197 I'm not sure... Come on. 334 00:22:39,957 --> 00:22:42,837 Michael? I forbid you, Michael... 335 00:22:44,597 --> 00:22:46,597 Well, be careful! 336 00:22:49,517 --> 00:22:51,757 Wristband! Yeah, OK. 337 00:22:51,797 --> 00:22:53,797 Take it. OK! 338 00:22:54,437 --> 00:22:56,797 Where are those cleaners when you need them? 339 00:22:56,837 --> 00:22:59,237 They poke their noses in when it's not convenient, 340 00:22:59,277 --> 00:23:03,557 but when they could finally be of some use, they're harder to get hold of than a greased pig. 341 00:23:03,597 --> 00:23:06,677 Oh, that reminds me. I could ring our Geoff. 342 00:23:06,717 --> 00:23:09,637 But... if you've had a phone all this time, 343 00:23:09,677 --> 00:23:12,797 why didn't you call the hotel and get them to send somebody up? 344 00:23:12,837 --> 00:23:16,277 I haven't got very much battery left, 345 00:23:16,317 --> 00:23:21,797 and besides, it costs a fortune to ring Spain on an English mobile. 346 00:23:21,837 --> 00:23:23,877 But you're... you're...! 347 00:23:23,917 --> 00:23:27,757 Hello, Geoff. It's me, your mother. 348 00:23:28,997 --> 00:23:31,557 I'm very good. How are you, son? 349 00:23:32,477 --> 00:23:37,157 Oh, congratulations! 350 00:23:37,197 --> 00:23:39,917 He's guessed the Countdown Conundrum. 351 00:23:40,357 --> 00:23:44,797 Now, listen. I'm going to say this very quickly, 352 00:23:44,837 --> 00:23:48,077 because I haven't got much time. 353 00:23:48,117 --> 00:23:52,637 I'm sitting here on a balcony with Gavin. 354 00:23:52,677 --> 00:24:00,597 He's one of that nice couple that helped me do YMCA at your coming-out party. 355 00:24:00,637 --> 00:24:02,877 Remember? 356 00:24:02,917 --> 00:24:06,157 Oh, I don't know. I'll ask him. 357 00:24:06,197 --> 00:24:08,877 Are you the fat one or the thin one? 358 00:24:08,917 --> 00:24:11,077 I was formerly the fat one, but as you can see... 359 00:24:11,117 --> 00:24:13,957 Yes, the fat one. 360 00:24:13,997 --> 00:24:19,797 Well, anyway, you'll never believe what happened to us last night. 361 00:24:19,837 --> 00:24:26,677 We sent for a taxi, we got in and we fastened our seatbelts... 362 00:24:27,917 --> 00:24:31,757 I can't go any faster... he'll think I'm having a stroke. 363 00:24:31,797 --> 00:24:33,797 Just give me that. 364 00:24:35,077 --> 00:24:36,957 Hello? 365 00:24:36,997 --> 00:24:39,197 Could you please... Hello? 366 00:24:41,797 --> 00:24:43,677 The battery's gone dead. 367 00:24:43,717 --> 00:24:45,037 Oh, blither. 368 00:24:45,077 --> 00:24:49,237 I wanted to know if Deirdre had had her highlights done. 369 00:24:51,877 --> 00:24:54,797 What did you do that for? 370 00:24:54,837 --> 00:24:57,557 I was just going to charge it up. 371 00:25:18,357 --> 00:25:20,117 Where's our Michael got to? 372 00:25:20,157 --> 00:25:22,477 Dunno. He said he was going out with that Liam. 373 00:25:22,517 --> 00:25:24,717 I don't like not knowing where he is. 374 00:25:24,757 --> 00:25:27,837 Text him and tell him we're going up. He's not even had his dinner. 375 00:25:27,877 --> 00:25:30,877 Oh, Jan, you've got to give him a bit of space. 376 00:25:30,917 --> 00:25:33,877 He's a teenager now... he won't want to be with us all the time. 377 00:25:33,917 --> 00:25:35,837 It was exactly the same with Chantelle. 378 00:25:35,877 --> 00:25:37,837 One minute it was, 'Can you plait my hair?' 379 00:25:37,877 --> 00:25:41,757 The next it's, 'Can I get a tattoo? Oh, and by the way, I'm pregnant.' 380 00:25:42,837 --> 00:25:46,037 I wish I could get a tattoo. No, you'll regret it when you're older. 381 00:25:46,077 --> 00:25:48,837 I am older! You never let me do anything. 382 00:25:48,877 --> 00:25:50,877 Oh, shut up. 383 00:25:52,157 --> 00:25:54,157 Come on! 384 00:25:56,077 --> 00:25:57,997 What's the matter? It never comes. 385 00:25:58,037 --> 00:26:00,557 What's the matter with you? Nothing! 386 00:26:06,957 --> 00:26:10,397 A couple of years ago there were seven of us on this holiday. 387 00:26:10,437 --> 00:26:15,117 Now Chantelle and Coolio have moved out, Mel's gone, Michael's growing up... 388 00:26:15,157 --> 00:26:19,997 Well, that's just life. It's not a personal vendetta against you. 389 00:26:20,037 --> 00:26:24,517 I know, but I just don't know what there's left for me to do. 390 00:26:25,157 --> 00:26:26,877 I'm scared I'll turn into my mother. 391 00:26:26,917 --> 00:26:29,237 You're scared? I'm bloody petrified. 392 00:26:29,277 --> 00:26:31,437 Just text him for me. Tell him to come home. 393 00:26:31,477 --> 00:26:34,157 I've already done it. 394 00:26:34,197 --> 00:26:37,277 I do love you, Mick Garvey. Yeah, yeah, come on. 395 00:26:37,317 --> 00:26:38,837 Let's get up to the room. 396 00:26:38,877 --> 00:26:41,637 I'll give you some tips on how you can spend the next 25 years. 397 00:26:41,677 --> 00:26:44,557 The next 25 minutes, you mean. 25 minutes? 398 00:26:44,597 --> 00:26:46,597 It's not your bloody birthday. 399 00:27:13,077 --> 00:27:15,797 Is it possible for the refreshments to be served soon? 400 00:27:15,837 --> 00:27:18,397 All right. Steady on. We've only just set off. 401 00:27:18,437 --> 00:27:21,877 It's just that my girls are getting dehydrated. 402 00:27:21,917 --> 00:27:26,197 Your girls, eh? What are you... the pimp out of Taxi Driver? 403 00:27:26,237 --> 00:27:28,837 Am I gonna have to go all Robert de Niro on you? 404 00:27:28,877 --> 00:27:30,877 Sorry? Are you talking to me? 405 00:27:32,277 --> 00:27:34,437 Yeah. Very funny. 406 00:27:34,477 --> 00:27:37,517 Nah, don't worry, Snoop Dogg. I'll have your girls hydrated. 407 00:27:37,557 --> 00:27:39,437 Oh, thanks. What are they? 408 00:27:39,477 --> 00:27:41,117 These are called Leg Openers. 409 00:27:41,157 --> 00:27:45,957 Couple of these, and they'll be on the deck, ankles in the air, faster than you can say 'man the lifeboats.' 410 00:27:45,997 --> 00:27:50,397 Well, that's perfect, cos they need to keep their legs up... that's their job. 411 00:27:50,437 --> 00:27:53,197 Course it is, sunshine. Course it is. 412 00:27:55,277 --> 00:27:57,277 Lovely, Carmen. 413 00:27:59,677 --> 00:28:02,397 I thought she had a touch phobia. 414 00:28:03,117 --> 00:28:05,437 Depends who's touching her, obviously. 415 00:28:06,517 --> 00:28:11,677 If this event goes well tonight, we'll be one step closer to that fourth star. 416 00:28:11,717 --> 00:28:13,717 That'll be my gold medal, 417 00:28:13,757 --> 00:28:17,117 and I'll be able to pass this torch on to somebody else. 418 00:28:17,157 --> 00:28:19,477 Fingers crossed, then. 419 00:28:19,517 --> 00:28:23,997 Mateo, is that the Prosecco for tonight? 420 00:28:24,037 --> 00:28:26,357 Si. I take outside. 421 00:28:26,397 --> 00:28:28,517 You're not still sulking, are you? 422 00:28:28,557 --> 00:28:30,477 Yes. Is unfair. 423 00:28:30,517 --> 00:28:34,717 I am senior to Liam, yet he gets to go out with the chicas, while I am here humping boxes. 424 00:28:34,757 --> 00:28:36,597 I can hardly let you go with them. 425 00:28:36,637 --> 00:28:40,117 It'd be like putting a mongoose in charge of a whole load of chickens. 426 00:28:40,157 --> 00:28:43,237 At least with Liam, I know they'll stay out of trouble. 427 00:29:08,877 --> 00:29:13,117 Here. This one's called a Smurf's Cock... I think cos it's blue. 428 00:29:13,157 --> 00:29:16,757 Well, it's the best offer I've had since I've been here. Cheers. 429 00:29:19,717 --> 00:29:22,357 Funny we should bump into each other out here, isn't it? 430 00:29:22,397 --> 00:29:28,237 'Of all the parties on all the boats in all the world, you happened to walk into this one.' 431 00:29:28,277 --> 00:29:30,277 I used to love Crackerjack. 432 00:29:32,037 --> 00:29:36,357 Oh, yeah, and thanks for bringing a load of teenage Olympic athletes with you an' all. 433 00:29:36,397 --> 00:29:37,997 That's really helped me out! 434 00:29:43,637 --> 00:29:46,197 So, you've not pulled, then? Nah. 435 00:29:46,237 --> 00:29:48,717 They're all self-indulgent tossers. 436 00:29:48,757 --> 00:29:54,317 Besides, it's quite hard selling yourself as a sexy playmate when your arm's encased in plaster. 437 00:29:54,357 --> 00:29:58,717 It marks you out as being different, and most men don't want 'different'. 438 00:29:58,757 --> 00:30:00,517 They want clones. 439 00:30:00,557 --> 00:30:03,477 And what about you? What do you want? 440 00:30:03,517 --> 00:30:07,717 I want a Nintendo 3DS, but my dad keeps telling me to look at my old Nintendo and squint. 441 00:30:07,757 --> 00:30:09,917 I mean, what do you want in a girl? 442 00:30:09,957 --> 00:30:13,117 Dunno. Someone funny... 443 00:30:14,357 --> 00:30:17,317 and vivacious. 444 00:30:17,357 --> 00:30:19,357 Someone different. 445 00:30:23,717 --> 00:30:26,877 I hope Michael's all right. I wonder where he is. 446 00:30:26,917 --> 00:30:29,397 Don't fret. Trudy'll look after him. 447 00:30:29,437 --> 00:30:31,837 I can smell something fishy. 448 00:30:31,877 --> 00:30:35,117 That might be me... it's dead hot under here. 449 00:30:35,157 --> 00:30:38,077 Let's go and have a look... I'm gasping for a bevvy. 450 00:30:38,117 --> 00:30:42,757 Come on, Benidorm... let's get this party started! 451 00:30:50,877 --> 00:30:53,997 Do you think we may have got on the wrong boat? 452 00:30:54,037 --> 00:30:56,037 Is this a party? 453 00:30:58,397 --> 00:31:02,277 Yeah, I think it's safe to say we got on the wrong boat. 454 00:31:03,957 --> 00:31:05,957 When do you go back? 455 00:31:06,597 --> 00:31:08,997 How many hours? 456 00:31:09,037 --> 00:31:10,717 Ah, dos. 457 00:31:10,757 --> 00:31:12,637 Oh, we'll be back in a couple of hours. 458 00:31:12,677 --> 00:31:15,757 No, dos dias. Dias. 459 00:31:16,357 --> 00:31:18,357 Two days! 460 00:31:18,397 --> 00:31:20,397 My mam's gonna kill me. 461 00:31:21,317 --> 00:31:24,917 Is there no other way to get back to Benidorm? 462 00:31:29,637 --> 00:31:31,517 Oh, crap. 463 00:31:31,557 --> 00:31:34,477 Michael... row the boat ashore. 464 00:31:45,477 --> 00:31:47,437 There... I've just had a text off Michael. 465 00:31:47,477 --> 00:31:49,637 What does it say? 'Gone fishing.' 466 00:31:49,677 --> 00:31:52,997 Fishing? I'm having words with that Liam when they get back. 467 00:31:53,037 --> 00:31:56,157 And where's my mother? She's been gone all afternoon an' all. 468 00:31:56,197 --> 00:31:58,517 Probably gone with Mohammed to join the Taliban. 469 00:31:58,557 --> 00:32:01,677 Don't be ridiculous! There's no way my mother would... 470 00:32:03,957 --> 00:32:07,277 Oh, my god! Oh, Janice, is that you? 471 00:32:07,317 --> 00:32:11,357 Do us a favour and light my ciggy, will you? I can't see a bloody thing. 472 00:32:12,677 --> 00:32:14,677 Mother, what are you playing at? 473 00:32:15,957 --> 00:32:17,877 Mohammed bought it for me. 474 00:32:17,917 --> 00:32:20,037 It's a traditional Muslim dress. 475 00:32:20,077 --> 00:32:23,317 I know that, but what do you want to wear it for? 476 00:32:23,357 --> 00:32:25,357 Cos we're getting married. 477 00:32:39,037 --> 00:32:42,037 Oh, Donald, doesn't it look fabulous? 478 00:32:42,077 --> 00:32:43,677 Absolutely. 479 00:32:43,717 --> 00:32:46,757 The management have certainly pulled out all the stops. 480 00:32:46,797 --> 00:32:48,797 And what a spread! Look. 481 00:32:48,837 --> 00:32:55,157 Chinese, Indian, Spanish. I don't know what to go for first! 482 00:32:55,197 --> 00:32:57,957 Mmm, and the food's not bad, either. 483 00:33:04,677 --> 00:33:07,117 We should be paid extra for this. Tell me about it! 484 00:33:07,157 --> 00:33:09,557 I feel a right prat, dressed like this. 485 00:33:09,597 --> 00:33:14,877 You're all right... you look a bobby dazzler. Look at me... I look like a flippin' snooker referee. 486 00:33:16,797 --> 00:33:20,277 Are these alcoholic? Yeah, that's a mixture of creme de cassis... 487 00:33:24,237 --> 00:33:27,717 Bloody hell! She's on a mission. I know. She's had a difficult day. 488 00:33:27,757 --> 00:33:30,757 Ah, well, you just make sure she doesn't get into any mischief. 489 00:33:30,797 --> 00:33:32,797 I will. 490 00:33:35,997 --> 00:33:40,197 Oi, you! Where's our Michael? I thought you were looking after him. 491 00:33:40,237 --> 00:33:42,717 Oh, he's here. He's just gone up to get changed. 492 00:33:42,757 --> 00:33:44,517 We got separated. 493 00:33:44,557 --> 00:33:49,037 Well, he'd better not be pissed again, or I'll separate you from your balls. 494 00:33:52,877 --> 00:33:54,477 Mateo... 495 00:33:54,517 --> 00:33:57,237 Oh, yes, we're hoping to have regular functions, 496 00:33:57,277 --> 00:34:01,117 where we can attract a higher calibre of clientele. 497 00:34:01,797 --> 00:34:05,077 Of course, being three-star doesn't help, 498 00:34:05,117 --> 00:34:10,197 but as tonight demonstrates, we are amply able to deliver a four-star service. 499 00:34:20,717 --> 00:34:24,197 Come on, Carmen. Grab a couple of melon balls and do as I do. 500 00:34:27,877 --> 00:34:29,877 Lovely, Carmen. 501 00:34:33,957 --> 00:34:38,157 Here you are. I don't know what they are, but they're free. 502 00:34:38,197 --> 00:34:40,917 Oh, there's all leaves in mine! 503 00:34:40,957 --> 00:34:43,557 You see, that's why I hate drinking outside. 504 00:34:43,597 --> 00:34:46,797 You end up swallowing all sorts of muck. 505 00:34:46,837 --> 00:34:49,077 That won't be a problem once you've converted. 506 00:34:49,117 --> 00:34:53,477 One sip of any booze and they'll chop your hands off faster than you can say 'simsalabim'. 507 00:34:53,517 --> 00:34:55,837 Mick! 508 00:34:55,877 --> 00:34:59,917 Right, then, Mother. Come on. You promised us an explanation, so let's hear it. 509 00:34:59,957 --> 00:35:03,037 All right. Don't get your knickers in a twist. 510 00:35:03,077 --> 00:35:07,477 You've known him less than 48 hours. How can you have agreed to marry him? 511 00:35:08,197 --> 00:35:10,997 It's a marriage of convenience. 512 00:35:11,037 --> 00:35:14,637 As you know, Mel was doing a bit of business with Mohammed's dad. 513 00:35:14,677 --> 00:35:17,277 Mohammed Mohammed. What? Never mind. 514 00:35:17,317 --> 00:35:21,037 Well, apparently, Mel was speaking to him just before he died, 515 00:35:21,077 --> 00:35:25,437 about buying a hacienda just outside Marrakesh. 516 00:35:25,477 --> 00:35:28,277 What would Mel want with a nightclub in Morocco? 517 00:35:28,317 --> 00:35:31,357 It's not a nightclub. A hacienda's like a big estate. 518 00:35:31,397 --> 00:35:33,397 12 acres. 519 00:35:33,437 --> 00:35:40,717 They agreed on a price, and Mel arranged to pay a deposit of 650,000 dirhams. 520 00:35:40,757 --> 00:35:43,597 Oh, aye, and what's that in proper money? A tenner? 521 00:35:43,637 --> 00:35:45,837 It's about 50 grand. 522 00:35:46,517 --> 00:35:52,197 And the money has been sitting in a high-interest account in Rabat ever since. 523 00:35:52,237 --> 00:35:53,917 Bloody hell! 524 00:35:53,957 --> 00:35:59,117 Mel didn't want to put it in his own name, because, otherwise, the bailiffs would have been after it, 525 00:35:59,157 --> 00:36:03,557 so Mr Mohammed suggested putting it into his son's name. 526 00:36:03,597 --> 00:36:06,317 Mohammed. Mohammed Mohammed. 527 00:36:06,357 --> 00:36:10,717 He wants to give me the money back. Only, there's so many legal loopholes, 528 00:36:10,757 --> 00:36:14,077 we could be waiting years for them to sort it out. 529 00:36:14,117 --> 00:36:16,037 So he offered to marry you. 530 00:36:16,077 --> 00:36:18,157 Once we have the same name, 531 00:36:18,197 --> 00:36:21,757 he can move the money over, no questions asked. 532 00:36:21,797 --> 00:36:25,037 Quick divorce, and we're back in business. 533 00:36:25,997 --> 00:36:28,397 It's a miracle! It's a bloody miracle! 534 00:36:28,437 --> 00:36:30,957 I told you something would turn up, didn't I? 535 00:36:30,997 --> 00:36:34,237 I dunno. It all sounds too good to be true to me. 536 00:36:34,277 --> 00:36:36,197 What's he talking about? 537 00:36:36,237 --> 00:36:39,957 That's my money, you know. It's not a frigging free-for-all! 538 00:36:41,877 --> 00:36:44,917 Hello? Hello? Oh, thank you, thank you. 539 00:36:44,957 --> 00:36:50,077 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Buenas noches. 540 00:36:50,117 --> 00:36:55,757 This is Joyce Temple-Savage welcoming you to the Gala Olympic Celebration. 541 00:36:55,797 --> 00:36:58,877 Now, we do have for entertainment 542 00:36:58,917 --> 00:37:04,037 the British Olympic Synchronised Swimming team. Yes! 543 00:37:04,797 --> 00:37:10,837 But before that, because we always go for Gold here at the Solana, 544 00:37:10,877 --> 00:37:14,357 please welcome our very own Asa Elliot! 545 00:37:22,837 --> 00:37:27,637 ♪ Gold... always believe in your soul ♪ 546 00:37:27,677 --> 00:37:30,277 ♪ You've got the power to know ♪ 547 00:37:30,317 --> 00:37:32,637 ♪ You're indestructible ♪ 548 00:37:32,677 --> 00:37:35,077 ♪ Always believing ♪ 549 00:37:35,117 --> 00:37:37,597 ♪ Cos you are gold ♪ 550 00:37:37,637 --> 00:37:40,837 So... I'm a woman. 551 00:37:40,877 --> 00:37:44,077 I'm British. I'm a public figure. 552 00:37:45,077 --> 00:37:48,557 I'm not a singer. I'm not an actress. 553 00:37:49,397 --> 00:37:53,757 I'm not a newsreader. I'm not a dancer. 554 00:37:55,317 --> 00:37:58,557 But I am a former Prime Minister? 555 00:37:59,877 --> 00:38:05,797 I believe we've established that over the past...90 minutes, yes. 556 00:38:05,837 --> 00:38:07,837 Erm... 557 00:38:10,557 --> 00:38:13,677 It's no use... you're going to have to give me a clue. 558 00:38:14,797 --> 00:38:16,797 Er... 559 00:38:17,397 --> 00:38:20,317 'You turn if you want to. 560 00:38:20,357 --> 00:38:23,517 The lady's not for turning.' 561 00:38:24,237 --> 00:38:26,797 Martina Ratnavalova! 562 00:38:26,837 --> 00:38:29,637 No! You're Margaret Thatcher! 563 00:38:30,517 --> 00:38:33,477 All right? Margaret Thatcher! 564 00:38:33,517 --> 00:38:35,557 Of course! 565 00:38:35,597 --> 00:38:40,317 I should have asked: did I ever wear a fuchsia two-piece with pearls 566 00:38:40,357 --> 00:38:43,237 and a Ferragamo court shoe? 567 00:38:43,277 --> 00:38:46,757 Wait a minute. My second question was: 568 00:38:46,797 --> 00:38:49,237 'Do I work in the music industry?' 569 00:38:49,277 --> 00:38:51,117 And you said 'no'. 570 00:38:51,157 --> 00:38:53,517 Well, she doesn't. 571 00:38:53,557 --> 00:38:57,757 Oh, you're thinking of the other Tina Turner. 572 00:38:57,797 --> 00:39:00,117 The other Tina Turner? 573 00:39:00,157 --> 00:39:05,157 Yes. I was thinking of the one that works in the Co-Op at Wythenshawe. 574 00:39:06,117 --> 00:39:12,277 She's a real character, is Tina. You should meet her. 575 00:39:12,797 --> 00:39:16,357 Yes, I should, and then perhaps I'd have a chance of guessing who she is 576 00:39:16,397 --> 00:39:18,917 in this stupid bloody game! 577 00:39:21,197 --> 00:39:24,437 I think you're a little bit upset, aren't you? 578 00:39:25,277 --> 00:39:29,557 Have you fallen out with your friend? A lover's tiff? 579 00:39:29,597 --> 00:39:31,677 None of your business. 580 00:39:31,717 --> 00:39:35,397 Well, we all do daft things from time to time. 581 00:39:36,717 --> 00:39:41,797 I remember when our Pauline rang me while I was doing the ironing. 582 00:39:42,437 --> 00:39:46,597 Oh, I nearly took my ear off. 583 00:39:47,517 --> 00:39:50,917 But whenever I got myself into a state, 584 00:39:50,957 --> 00:39:54,037 Ron would say to me, 'Noggin...' 585 00:39:54,077 --> 00:39:56,397 cos that's what he called me. 586 00:39:56,437 --> 00:40:01,437 'Noggin, there's no point you saying sorry to me, 587 00:40:01,477 --> 00:40:04,037 until you've forgiven yourself. 588 00:40:05,037 --> 00:40:09,477 Remember: to err is human, to forgive divine.' 589 00:40:10,477 --> 00:40:17,077 To err is human, to forgive... divine. 590 00:40:19,197 --> 00:40:21,197 Thank you. 591 00:40:22,517 --> 00:40:26,837 Of course, I didn't know who this Divine woman was, 592 00:40:26,877 --> 00:40:28,877 but I forgave her, anyway. 593 00:40:32,757 --> 00:40:35,557 Ah, Hazel. Asa's just got a couple of numbers, 594 00:40:35,597 --> 00:40:38,477 and we'll be ready for your girls in 15 minutes... all right? 595 00:40:38,517 --> 00:40:41,517 No, it is most certainly not all right. Look! 596 00:40:45,597 --> 00:40:50,317 What's wrong with them? They are inebriated... that's what. 597 00:40:50,357 --> 00:40:53,117 It seems the oafish handyman you sent them out with 598 00:40:53,157 --> 00:40:57,357 saw fit to coerce them onto a party boat and ply them with alcohol. 599 00:40:57,397 --> 00:40:59,757 Can they still do their aerobics, though? 600 00:40:59,797 --> 00:41:03,397 I beg your pardon? I mean that water-dancing thingy. 601 00:41:03,437 --> 00:41:05,437 We've got fireworks and everything! 602 00:41:05,477 --> 00:41:07,557 I arrived with six Olympic athletes 603 00:41:07,597 --> 00:41:11,877 and I'm leaving with a gaggle of drunkards reeking of vomit and tequila. 604 00:41:11,917 --> 00:41:13,557 Welcome to Benidorm. 605 00:41:13,597 --> 00:41:17,077 Why don't they just get in the water and have a splash about? 606 00:41:17,117 --> 00:41:21,437 We can announce it as a paralympic team... this lot'll not even know the difference. 607 00:41:21,477 --> 00:41:24,717 How dare you? That is deeply, deeply insulting! 608 00:41:24,757 --> 00:41:28,037 Well, I mean... 609 00:41:28,077 --> 00:41:30,277 Girls, out now! 610 00:41:30,317 --> 00:41:35,717 Get out of the pool! You're not fit to be in the water! 611 00:41:35,757 --> 00:41:38,197 Oh, no! It's a disaster! 612 00:41:38,237 --> 00:41:40,597 I'm going to be a laughing stock. 613 00:41:40,637 --> 00:41:43,597 Leave this to me, pet. Mateo, follow me. 614 00:41:45,197 --> 00:41:47,197 Kenneth! 615 00:41:56,117 --> 00:41:58,357 Sam? What's going on? 616 00:41:58,397 --> 00:42:00,757 What the hell are you doing? 617 00:42:00,797 --> 00:42:04,717 I'm drunk. I'm desperate. He was standing in front of me. OK? 618 00:42:04,757 --> 00:42:07,357 This could be the start of a beautiful friendship. 619 00:42:07,397 --> 00:42:10,277 What happened to you, anyway? Been on t'pull? 620 00:42:10,317 --> 00:42:13,317 Yeah, I pulled this. 621 00:42:14,077 --> 00:42:16,677 Is that a red snapper? 'Ey! 622 00:42:16,717 --> 00:42:18,397 Her name's Trudy. 623 00:42:22,917 --> 00:42:26,877 So, are these what they call the chains of office? 624 00:42:26,917 --> 00:42:29,597 Only, we've got some chains in our room, 625 00:42:29,637 --> 00:42:32,277 but they're not quite as fancy as that. 626 00:42:32,317 --> 00:42:34,397 I think I see Troy in the bushes. 627 00:42:34,437 --> 00:42:38,197 Ooh, having a bit of a secret tryst, are they? 628 00:42:38,237 --> 00:42:42,477 That's what I love about the gays... they'll do it anywhere! 629 00:42:42,517 --> 00:42:44,397 No, it's a photo... look. 630 00:42:44,437 --> 00:42:47,717 Probably blew down off Gavin's balcony. 631 00:42:47,757 --> 00:42:52,437 Let's go up and return it to him. See if we can't entice him down to join in the fun. 632 00:42:52,477 --> 00:42:54,237 Yes, good idea. 633 00:42:54,277 --> 00:42:58,197 Don't go away, cos I'll be back in a jiffy. 634 00:42:58,237 --> 00:43:02,197 Here... have some of this and loosen up a bit. 635 00:43:04,917 --> 00:43:06,917 ♪ Gold ♪ 636 00:43:09,157 --> 00:43:14,717 Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, that was Asa Elliot singing Gold. 637 00:43:14,757 --> 00:43:20,237 Erm... I'm afraid there's been a slight change to the published schedule, 638 00:43:20,277 --> 00:43:25,517 in that the synchronised-swimming display has had to be cancelled. 639 00:43:25,557 --> 00:43:29,157 I'm sorry. So, if you'd like to make your way to the exits, 640 00:43:29,197 --> 00:43:31,277 which you'll find located here... 641 00:43:31,317 --> 00:43:32,997 Hang on! Hang on! 642 00:43:33,037 --> 00:43:35,037 What? 643 00:43:44,037 --> 00:43:49,357 It might not be Esther Williams, but we're gonna try and put a show on for you. 644 00:43:55,717 --> 00:43:59,557 Stop fiddling with your bits and dive in. It's uncomfortable. 645 00:43:59,597 --> 00:44:02,037 Oh, I see you tucked yours between your legs. 646 00:44:02,077 --> 00:44:04,077 No, I haven't, you cheeky bastard! 647 00:44:06,277 --> 00:44:08,277 Tom Daley, eat your heart out! 648 00:44:19,117 --> 00:44:21,117 Oh, my God! That's my dad! 649 00:44:22,357 --> 00:44:24,357 Hey! Pool party! What? 650 00:44:27,597 --> 00:44:29,317 Sam! What are you... 651 00:44:29,357 --> 00:44:32,757 Oh, sod it. You're only young once. 652 00:44:53,797 --> 00:44:56,757 There you are! Where have you been all this time? 653 00:44:56,797 --> 00:44:58,957 I've been out. I sent you a text. 654 00:44:58,997 --> 00:45:01,957 A text? I'm your mother, not one of your friends. 655 00:45:01,997 --> 00:45:04,077 Tell me about it. 656 00:45:04,117 --> 00:45:06,157 Did you have a good time, son? Yeah. 657 00:45:06,197 --> 00:45:07,797 Why the long face, then? 658 00:45:07,837 --> 00:45:11,077 Well, I want to jump in the pool, but my mam's not gonna let me. 659 00:45:11,117 --> 00:45:13,117 No, she's not. 660 00:45:14,517 --> 00:45:16,757 I'm gonna throw you in! 661 00:45:18,037 --> 00:45:20,877 Come on, then. One, two, three! 662 00:45:34,157 --> 00:45:36,237 Hermione, Madeleine... out now! 663 00:45:36,277 --> 00:45:40,037 You're a disgrace to your sport and a disgrace to your country! 664 00:45:41,877 --> 00:45:43,877 Oh, I'm so sorry. 665 00:46:23,397 --> 00:46:26,517 Hello, Gavin! It's just us. 666 00:46:26,557 --> 00:46:28,557 We've found something of yours... 667 00:46:29,797 --> 00:46:32,797 Oh, he's with Noreen... look. 668 00:46:34,437 --> 00:46:38,277 Shall we join them? No, best leave them to it and get back downstairs. 669 00:46:38,317 --> 00:46:42,077 I think what this pool party needs is a bit of skinny dipping! 670 00:46:42,117 --> 00:46:44,197 Oh, yes! 671 00:47:00,861 --> 00:47:34,000 Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells 672 00:47:35,305 --> 00:47:41,562 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from SubtitleDB.org