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Good morning, senor.
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Might I have the tiniest drop
of milk in my tea, please?
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When. When!
5
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What do you mean, when? I do it now.
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Crazy man.
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Excuse me, miss.
8
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Miss!
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Great party last night!
10
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Oh, it's been ages
since I had a good boogie.
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Yes, your naked conga
was certainly an ice-breaker.
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The human centipede.
Works every time.
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It's a shame the Costa Blanca
Citizen doesn't share
your enthusiasm.
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Oh, dear.
15
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Under the new management
of Joyce - Thimble - Savage...
16
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I ask you!
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The Solana is fast developing a
reputation as the Fawlty Towers
of the Costa Blanca.
18
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Injured guests, broken rooms,
and sordid pool parties
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are showing Benidorm
in the worst possible light.
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Well, we've been coming
for over 20 years
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and we've always been fully
satisfied, haven't we, darling?
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Oh, yes. At least once a day.
23
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:04,639
This is a disaster. One more
foul-up and I could lose my job.
24
00:02:04,640 --> 00:02:10,839
If there's anything we can do
to... release the pressure a little,
just let us know.
25
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:13,519
It's Mr and Mrs Stewart, isn't it?
26
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Donald and Jacqueline, please.
27
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Can I rely on your discretion?
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Absolutely. We never kiss and tell.
29
00:02:21,440 --> 00:02:25,039
Would you mind coming to my
personal quarters after breakfast?
30
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I've got something in mind
that... I'd quite like to try out.
31
00:02:28,960 --> 00:02:32,239
I think we'd find that
most agreeable.
32
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:36,000
We did have you pegged as someone
who was... curious.
33
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:37,920
I'm more than curious.
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Make sure you're not followed.
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Walls have ears.
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See? I told you she was one of us!
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At last it's worthy of the name
'all-inclusive'!
38
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Si.
Excuse me.
39
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Rude pig!
40
00:03:06,560 --> 00:03:09,199
Have you decided what you're going
to wear today, Mam?
41
00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:11,679
I'm not wearing a bloody burka!
42
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It's not like a proper wedding,
is it?
43
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What do you mean?
44
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You're just going through
the motions.
45
00:03:21,560 --> 00:03:24,239
You're only doing it for the money,
aren't you?
46
00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:27,999
Does that mean I don't have to come?
I've warned you about that cheek!
47
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,119
Whatever.
48
00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:32,479
Mr Mohammed is doing this
out of the kindness of his heart.
49
00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:37,559
So that I can inherit Mel's money
without months of court appearances
and legal fees.
50
00:03:37,560 --> 00:03:41,319
The least we can do is respect
his culture and his religion.
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There you go, son.
52
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,040
Just like that! Uh huh huh huh!
53
00:03:45,040 --> 00:03:47,000
Where did you get them?
Chinese shop.
54
00:03:47,001 --> 00:03:49,039
We've got to make Mohammed
feel at home.
55
00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:51,559
If he's going to take the piss,
I'd rather he didn't come.
56
00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:53,879
It's traditional Moroccan dress!
57
00:03:53,880 --> 00:03:56,919
My wife and I
were married in a toilet.
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It was a marriage of convenience!
59
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Take it off.
60
00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:03,319
We just want a nice, simple ceremony.
61
00:04:03,320 --> 00:04:10,279
Get the marriage certificate
and then transfer the money
as quick as possible.
62
00:04:10,280 --> 00:04:13,039
It's a lot to take in.
Let her go on the honeymoon.
63
00:04:13,040 --> 00:04:15,599
Get to know the other wives.
What other wives?
64
00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:20,039
He's allowed eight. He's got Monday,
Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,
Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.
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Where does that leave me?
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00:04:21,840 --> 00:04:23,959
Halloween?
67
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:28,159
Right. If that's your attitude,
you can frig off.
68
00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:30,440
I don't want any of you
at the ceremony.
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00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:32,560
I can sort out my own affairs,
thank you.
70
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:37,880
And don't come crawling to me
for a handout once I've got
my inheritance.
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00:04:37,880 --> 00:04:40,200
Because you'll be rubbing on
an empty lamp.
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00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:44,759
Oh, well done.
I was trying to lighten the mood.
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Just stay out of her way today, Mick.
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I don't think she wants you
at this wedding.
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We were going to be witnesses.
I'll go by myself.
76
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But I've got...
Forget it!
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You two amuse yourselves
for the day and I will deal with
the crap, as usual.
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00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:04,119
Well, I think that went
according to plan.
79
00:05:04,120 --> 00:05:06,279
Does that mean
we can watch the footie?
80
00:05:06,280 --> 00:05:10,319
Looks like it, son.
Barca versus Real Madrid,
two o'clock at the Heartbreak Bar.
81
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:12,399
Our work here is done!
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00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:14,479
I told you the hats was a good idea.
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Two aerials meet on a roof,
fall in love and get married.
84
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The ceremony was rubbish but the
reception was brilliant. Uh huh huh!
85
00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:27,840
Have you nearly finished
in t'bathroom, Trudy?
86
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I think I'm going to vom.
87
00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:37,160
Oh, I had a visit from the beer
badger last night.
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You know, the one that nicks all
your money then craps in your mouth.
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00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:44,519
God, I feel rough.
90
00:05:44,520 --> 00:05:47,999
Ugh! What the hell
happened last night?
91
00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:51,240
I remember snogging Liam
and then jumping in t'pool.
92
00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:53,160
What time did we get to bed?
93
00:05:54,680 --> 00:05:56,680
About half-past two.
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00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:58,600
Jesus!
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00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:02,920
Morning, lover. Got any mouthwash?
96
00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:19,719
That's showing intensh!
What did you hear?
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00:06:19,720 --> 00:06:23,079
Nothing. I just mean your tone
of voice, your body language.
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00:06:23,080 --> 00:06:25,479
You keep your eyes off my body.
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00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:27,559
All right, pal. None of my beeswax.
100
00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:31,079
But remember, a problem shared
is a problem halved.
101
00:06:31,080 --> 00:06:32,999
What do you mean?
102
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If you let me in,
maybe I can halve your problem.
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00:06:35,720 --> 00:06:39,679
You have my problem?
No, no, I HALVE your problem.
104
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Why do you want to have my problem?
You have enough problems
of your own.
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I know. Have you never heard the
phrase 'a shoulder to cry on'?
106
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No.
It means I can help you.
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I can give you succour.
Ugh!
108
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Hey, what is this?
No sexy in the workplace.
109
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No, no, man. I don't mean...
110
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I mean, if you open up to me...
111
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Oh, that's enough!
Excuse me!
112
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I can help you, man!
No!
113
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But I can!
Hey!
114
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Oh, shove it up your arse!
115
00:07:05,320 --> 00:07:08,159
Ai ai ai! Womens!
116
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Leche?
117
00:07:09,880 --> 00:07:13,520
Yeah, she is! But working with me,
who can blame him?
118
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:25,279
I'm glad we spruced up
for the occasion. She's obviously
got high standards.
119
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She's a classy lady, all right.
120
00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:31,559
You don't get to serve in First Class
without a certain amount of grooming.
121
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Do you think she'll mind poking back
through the curtains into Economy?!
122
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Only one way to find out!
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Come in.
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Please take a seat.
125
00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:53,840
Oh, have we come at a bad time?
126
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What do you mean?
Well, all the mess.
127
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What mess?
128
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Agh!
129
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Oh!
130
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Shall we get straight down
to business?
131
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Good idea.
Oh, yes!
132
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Do you want to start with Donald and
I'll join in when I see an opening?
133
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:21,799
No, no, I'd like to involve
you both from the off.
134
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If you're amenable.
Absolutely.
135
00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:27,479
May as well grasp the nettle
with both hands.
136
00:08:27,480 --> 00:08:31,320
The fact is, since I arrived here,
I've had nothing but bad publicity
137
00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:33,680
from the local press
to the internet forums.
138
00:08:35,440 --> 00:08:40,959
Articles such as these have been
impairing my plan to turn
the complex around.
139
00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:43,840
The point is, I am being
deliberately undermined.
140
00:08:43,840 --> 00:08:48,960
And I am determined to crack down
on the culprit with all my might.
141
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:52,799
Do you think this is a role play?
142
00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,559
I'm not sure.
143
00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:59,799
As you'll see from the cuttings,
the Citizen seems very well
informed about our misfortune.
144
00:08:59,800 --> 00:09:05,199
And they all quote 'a Solana
insider' as being the source.
145
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:07,839
You think you have a mole.
Exactly!
146
00:09:07,840 --> 00:09:11,039
And I want you to help me
smoke them all out.
147
00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:13,040
I wouldn't use smoke.
148
00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:14,960
They do laser removal nowadays.
149
00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:20,720
I've had a flick through
the personnel files.
150
00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:22,720
And I've come up
with these suspects.
151
00:09:26,160 --> 00:09:28,279
Mateo Castellanos.
152
00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:30,519
Works mainly in...
Well, I say works.
153
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:34,839
He's typically Spanish.
If it isn't siesta or fiesta,
he's not interested.
154
00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:38,479
We're familiar with him from previous
visits. Nasty piece of work.
155
00:09:38,480 --> 00:09:40,519
Les Conroy.
156
00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:42,680
AKA Lesley.
157
00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:44,600
Possibly in league
with his son Liam.
158
00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:48,759
Go on.
Kenneth Du Beke.
159
00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:53,639
Runs the Solana salon. Now
unfortunately known as Blow And Go.
160
00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:57,199
We've clashed from day one and
I suspect it's personal with him.
161
00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:59,359
I normally get on with the gays.
162
00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:01,960
It's more or less compulsory
on the airlines.
163
00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:03,960
But he seems immune
to my many charms.
164
00:10:05,640 --> 00:10:08,120
I wouldn't trust him
as far as I could throw him.
165
00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:12,160
Which, needless to say,
wouldn't be very far.
166
00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:14,320
Is she ever going to take
her clothes off?
167
00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:17,680
I'm losing the will to live.
168
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:22,599
Your mission, should you choose
to accept it,
169
00:10:22,600 --> 00:10:25,199
is to gather intelligence
on the four of them.
170
00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:27,279
Shouldn't take long in his case.
171
00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:30,599
And help me to finger the mole
once and for all.
172
00:10:30,600 --> 00:10:33,639
We don't really approve
of using animals.
173
00:10:33,640 --> 00:10:38,359
Ever since that incident
with Big Donna's guinea pig
and the clingfilm.
174
00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:40,799
I'll handle this, Jacqueline,
thank you.
175
00:10:40,800 --> 00:10:43,559
I can tell you now
we're not interested.
176
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:46,319
Kenneth is a close,
personal friend of ours.
177
00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:48,999
If you think we're about to go
snooping around...
178
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:51,999
I can offer you a free week's
holiday next year.
179
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,400
Plus 200 Euros spending money.
180
00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:55,400
We're in.
181
00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:14,399
You're looking very pleased with
yourself. Like the cat who got the
cream. What have you been up to?
182
00:11:14,400 --> 00:11:16,679
I spoke to Troy
first thing this morning.
183
00:11:16,680 --> 00:11:18,479
We made up.
184
00:11:18,480 --> 00:11:22,759
There's no sweeter moment than when
an argument finally dissipates
into the ether.
185
00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:25,319
You've obviously led
a very sheltered life.
186
00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:28,160
Did you tell him about your
shenanigans on the beach?
187
00:11:28,160 --> 00:11:30,120
Yes. I made a clean breast of it.
188
00:11:31,480 --> 00:11:34,920
He just chuckled and said,
'I guess that makes us even, then.
189
00:11:34,920 --> 00:11:36,840
We both snogged a Spanish waiter.'
190
00:11:37,720 --> 00:11:39,879
Troy's been at it as well?
191
00:11:39,880 --> 00:11:43,479
Bloody hell! You're worse than
Donald and Jacqueline, you two.
192
00:11:43,480 --> 00:11:45,640
That was the first time
we were here.
193
00:11:45,640 --> 00:11:48,800
I caught him in a drunken clinch
with Wolverine over there.
194
00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:53,960
What, Mateo?
195
00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:56,760
Yes.
He's a secret whoopsie?!
196
00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:01,319
I can't get my head round that.
197
00:12:01,320 --> 00:12:04,159
I think that's what Troy said.
Weren't you angry?
198
00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:07,039
I was furious! He knew
I had a thing for Hugh Jackman.
199
00:12:07,040 --> 00:12:10,719
But Troy made me laugh about it so
much, I couldn't stay mad at him.
200
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:14,399
When you've been with someone so
long, the way Troy and I have been,
201
00:12:14,400 --> 00:12:16,760
you can overcome
these petty arguments.
202
00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:20,280
There's a real foundation
keeping things strong.
203
00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:24,680
It's not like some men
who just rush into...
204
00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:35,520
You're absolutely sure
nothing happened?
205
00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:37,920
She just fell through the door
and onto her couch.
206
00:12:37,921 --> 00:12:40,039
Then rolled onto her coffee table.
207
00:12:40,040 --> 00:12:43,519
Then she went into the kitchen five
times before finding the bedroom,
208
00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:46,439
where she fell between the two beds
and into her suitcase.
209
00:12:46,440 --> 00:12:49,079
It was like watching a Norman
Wisdom film in slow motion.
210
00:12:49,080 --> 00:12:51,319
What were you doing all this time?
211
00:12:51,320 --> 00:12:53,359
Laughing. Mainly.
212
00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:55,399
We had a snog.
213
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,439
But I'd never go out with Sam.
214
00:12:57,440 --> 00:12:59,599
We're more like brother and sister.
215
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:02,719
She's coming. We're going to play
a little trick on her.
216
00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:04,679
Go along with whatever I say.
217
00:13:04,680 --> 00:13:06,759
It seems a bit cruel.
218
00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:08,999
How dare you do that to my friend?!
What?!
219
00:13:09,000 --> 00:13:11,119
You know what, you little toe rag!
220
00:13:11,120 --> 00:13:13,999
You can get yourself down
to the shops and get one!
221
00:13:14,000 --> 00:13:15,879
Do you hear me?
What's going on?
222
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:18,079
Tell her.
223
00:13:18,080 --> 00:13:20,800
I don't want to!
Tell her what you did last night!
224
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,640
No, you tell her!
All right.
225
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:25,959
He slept with you
without protection.
226
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:28,039
What?!
227
00:13:28,040 --> 00:13:30,479
I've told him
he is a dirty little scumbag!
228
00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:32,479
No, I never!
What?
229
00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:34,639
You never needed it?!
230
00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:37,999
Typical man.
Wham bam, wipe it on the curtains.
231
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:40,759
And then leave it to the woman
to pick up all the pieces.
232
00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:43,959
Is this true, Liam?
You've got Venetian blinds!
233
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:46,360
God. I don't remember any of this.
234
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:48,280
I need to sit down.
235
00:13:49,760 --> 00:13:54,879
I've told him to get his arse
down the chemist and pick you up
a pregnancy test.
236
00:13:54,880 --> 00:13:57,120
They don't show up this early.
Do they?
237
00:13:57,120 --> 00:13:59,720
The Spanish ones do.
They're extra sensitive.
238
00:14:00,880 --> 00:14:03,280
Go ahead, soft lad!
What are you waiting for?
239
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:08,399
This is a joke, isn't it?
Are you kidding?!
240
00:14:08,400 --> 00:14:10,679
It's the best laugh I've had
all holiday!
241
00:14:10,680 --> 00:14:12,759
Only it seems a bit mean...
242
00:14:12,760 --> 00:14:14,799
Agh!
How dare you?!
243
00:14:14,800 --> 00:14:16,919
No, I will not pretend
it's all a joke!
244
00:14:16,920 --> 00:14:19,639
Sam is a friend of mine!
245
00:14:19,640 --> 00:14:21,680
Do you have to keep doing that?!
246
00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:25,080
Yeah, it's funny. It makes
it more believable. Go on!
247
00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:30,400
Girls from Liverpool
have a strange sense of humour.
248
00:14:40,480 --> 00:14:42,680
I don't know what to do
with myself today.
249
00:14:42,680 --> 00:14:45,520
Go and cut some hairs.
No, Carmen's got that covered.
250
00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:49,560
But I haven't got any appointments
until this afternoon.
251
00:14:51,480 --> 00:14:56,000
Oh, I was thinking about taking
a stroll in the old town tonight,
if you fancy it.
252
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:58,440
No, is not possible.
There's a new bar opening up.
253
00:14:58,441 --> 00:15:01,439
Eat, Drink, And Be Mary. I could
blag us a couple of tickets.
254
00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:04,639
I've got a very good contact
at the Costa Blanca Citizen.
255
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:06,680
We have an arrangement.
256
00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:09,200
I cannot do this.
I have to see a man about a dog.
257
00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:12,360
Now bar is closed.
258
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,839
Stop it.
259
00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:20,679
You book an appointment with Kenneth.
I'll put a tail on the... donkey.
260
00:15:20,680 --> 00:15:23,319
OK. Shall I follow him
to the gay bar?
261
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:26,400
If you need to. Roger and out.
262
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:29,160
No, I don't think
it was called that.
263
00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:36,279
Come on, Mam. I told Maureen
we'd be downstairs by half-past.
264
00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:38,279
What's it to do with her?
265
00:15:38,280 --> 00:15:40,359
I've asked her to be a witness.
266
00:15:40,360 --> 00:15:42,359
Mick's gone walkabout, has he?
267
00:15:42,360 --> 00:15:44,439
Bloody typical!
268
00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:46,519
I asked him not to come.
269
00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:49,800
I'm not being horrible, I just
want this over and done with.
270
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:51,800
How do I look?
271
00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:57,000
Oh, Mam.
272
00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:01,039
You look like a princess.
273
00:16:01,040 --> 00:16:03,879
Good. That's exactly
what Mel would have wanted.
274
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:06,439
You are only doing this for effect,
aren't you?
275
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:08,599
Of course I am.
276
00:16:08,600 --> 00:16:11,759
If I turned up on my wedding day
in a swimsuit and wedges,
277
00:16:11,760 --> 00:16:13,919
they'd all smell a rat
straight away.
278
00:16:13,920 --> 00:16:17,600
You go on down. Stop mithering.
I want to get my top-knot straight.
279
00:16:17,600 --> 00:16:19,920
All right. Your wish is my command.
280
00:16:25,920 --> 00:16:27,879
Here we go.
281
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:30,000
Husband number three.
282
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:32,440
Madge Delilah...
283
00:16:33,560 --> 00:16:35,480
Mohammed.
284
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:43,119
I am doing the right thing,
aren't I?
285
00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:45,800
I know you'd have wanted me
to have that money.
286
00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:49,840
And whatever I spend it on,
it will be something in memory
of you, my angel.
287
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:57,160
Now enough of that.
288
00:16:57,160 --> 00:17:00,800
I'm not going to do this bloody
make-up again. Not for you
or any man.
289
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:03,680
Wish me luck.
290
00:17:07,640 --> 00:17:09,759
Why are we supporting Barcelona?
291
00:17:09,760 --> 00:17:14,439
They stuffed United twice
for the Champions' League final.
What more do you want?
292
00:17:14,440 --> 00:17:16,399
I like Ronaldo.
Michael!
293
00:17:16,400 --> 00:17:18,399
We brought you up better than that.
294
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:20,519
It's Garvey on the ball!
295
00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:22,640
Garvey takes it on!
Dad!
296
00:17:22,640 --> 00:17:25,440
He tricks him and he shoots
and he scores for England!
297
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:30,439
Have you still got that spending
money your mam gave you?
298
00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:32,719
Yeah.
Right. Get yourself a can of pop.
299
00:17:32,720 --> 00:17:37,520
Oh, and while you're there, get your
dad a cold pint of lager. Good lad.
300
00:17:37,520 --> 00:17:40,920
You're such a tight-wad.
And some nuts!
301
00:17:44,520 --> 00:17:46,480
Heee-eey! Hey!
302
00:17:51,440 --> 00:17:53,440
Gotcha!
303
00:17:54,880 --> 00:17:56,879
Mick! What are you doing here?
304
00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:58,999
Watching the footie, same as you.
305
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:00,959
What's this, Dutch courage?
No.
306
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:02,999
It's non-alcoholic.
307
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:05,160
I won't say anything if you don't.
308
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:07,920
If I was marrying Madge,
I'd want to be half-pissed!
309
00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:11,319
What's this, pork scratchings?
310
00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:14,200
Not very kosher, is it?
That belongs to my friends.
311
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:16,160
They don't speak English.
312
00:18:18,320 --> 00:18:21,279
I thought you'd hardly been here
before.
313
00:18:21,280 --> 00:18:23,279
Make friends quick, don't you?
314
00:18:23,280 --> 00:18:25,359
Yes. Benidorm is a friendly place.
315
00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:27,360
It certainly is.
316
00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:29,360
Cheers.
317
00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:32,479
I thought you were on bar duty.
318
00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:34,639
I have business.
319
00:18:34,640 --> 00:18:37,639
This is your business!
You're supposed to work here.
320
00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:40,319
If I was running this place...
Luckily, you are not.
321
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:42,319
What if somebody wants a drink?
322
00:18:42,320 --> 00:18:44,479
You open the bar.
323
00:18:44,480 --> 00:18:47,319
I can't open the bar, man.
I'm manning Reception.
324
00:18:47,320 --> 00:18:49,959
I don't think you could man
anything, Lady Gagas.
325
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:52,119
Cheeky sod.
326
00:18:52,120 --> 00:18:54,119
All right, Liam?
Yeah.
327
00:18:54,120 --> 00:18:57,400
Have a good night last night?
Why are you interrogating me?
328
00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:59,400
I'm not a nancy war criminal!
329
00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:21,520
Uh-oh. My nan is not going to like
this.
330
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:29,279
You'd better get going soon,
hadn't you?
331
00:19:29,280 --> 00:19:31,479
Yes. Must not keep the bride waiting.
332
00:19:31,480 --> 00:19:34,159
You've dug us out of a hole, mate,
I promise you.
333
00:19:34,160 --> 00:19:36,279
If it weren't for that money,
334
00:19:36,280 --> 00:19:38,799
dread to think what would have
happened to us.
335
00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:42,560
Mel used to own the Benidorm Palace.
A very successful businessman.
336
00:19:42,560 --> 00:19:44,480
Yeah. WAS being the operative word.
337
00:19:45,720 --> 00:19:48,720
When he died, he was in debt
up to his little yellow eyeballs.
338
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:50,560
Dad.
Oh, cheers, son.
339
00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:53,799
So Madge is penniless too?
340
00:19:53,800 --> 00:19:55,920
Mm. More or less.
341
00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:57,800
Well, she was till she met you.
342
00:20:00,040 --> 00:20:02,120
Now I understand.
343
00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:04,080
I am relieved you told me this.
344
00:20:05,720 --> 00:20:07,640
I must be going.
345
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:12,840
Ma'a as-salaama.
Yep. Same to you with knobs on!
346
00:20:15,960 --> 00:20:18,040
Dad!
What?
347
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:21,120
Mohammed is not who he says he is.
He's a hotdog in disguise.
348
00:20:24,480 --> 00:20:26,519
Excuse me.
349
00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:28,639
Yes, can I help you?
350
00:20:28,640 --> 00:20:31,599
I wish to put my name forward
for the karaoke tonight.
351
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:33,679
Fine. You'll have your usual table.
352
00:20:33,680 --> 00:20:36,999
No, I mean to sing.
I wish to sing a song in karaoke.
353
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:40,639
Well, it's normally
first come first served.
354
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:43,479
It's not like having
a hip replacement.
355
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:45,839
There isn't a nine months
waiting list.
356
00:20:45,840 --> 00:20:48,039
I just wanted to make sure
I was chosen.
357
00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:50,279
I haven't done this sort of thing
before.
358
00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:52,399
I'm surprised you want to now.
359
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:55,639
If I had it my way, it would be
trained cabaret artists only.
360
00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:57,679
But when in Benidorm...
361
00:20:57,680 --> 00:20:59,799
Precisely.
362
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:02,599
I've written out the lyrics,
if that's any help.
363
00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:05,199
No need. Just have a word
with the karaoke host.
364
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:07,240
He'll sort you out.
365
00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:09,240
Thank you.
366
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:14,719
There you go. Ooh, you make
Jackie Onassis look like SuBo.
367
00:21:14,720 --> 00:21:16,879
Thanks.
368
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:19,199
You should do some advertising,
you know.
369
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:21,319
Reach out to more customers.
370
00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:23,119
Funny you should say that.
371
00:21:23,120 --> 00:21:27,719
I've been promised a quarter-page
in the Costa Blanca Citizen for,
shall we say, services rendered.
372
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:29,480
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
373
00:21:29,480 --> 00:21:33,920
It's amazing what some people
will do for free lowlights
and a Dutch braid! See you!
374
00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:40,879
Want me to take one of you, pet?
375
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:42,959
Oh, yes, please.
376
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:46,800
It's just to show Donald
where I've had my hair done.
377
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:48,720
Say vodka!
Vodka!
378
00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:51,799
There you go.
379
00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:54,519
I'd better get back to work
before the Iron Lady spots me.
380
00:21:54,520 --> 00:21:56,519
Bit of a slave-driver, is she?
381
00:21:56,520 --> 00:21:58,599
She's firm but fair.
382
00:21:58,600 --> 00:22:00,679
Like the Japanese.
383
00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:02,839
I bet you could do her job
just as easy.
384
00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:05,479
Maybe, but who needs
that amount of stress?
385
00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:09,640
Besides, there's a lot of men don't
like taking orders from a woman,
you know.
386
00:22:09,640 --> 00:22:11,560
See you later.
387
00:22:19,920 --> 00:22:23,719
♪ Nice girls, not one with a defect
388
00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:27,240
♪ Cellophane shrink-wrapped,
so correct
389
00:22:27,240 --> 00:22:29,160
♪ Red dogs under illegal legs
390
00:22:34,560 --> 00:22:36,560
♪ She looks so good
391
00:22:36,560 --> 00:22:38,480
All right!
392
00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:41,999
Quick, Michael!
393
00:22:42,000 --> 00:22:44,000
♪ She's watching the detectives
394
00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:45,920
♪ Ooh, he's so cute
395
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:49,920
♪ She's watching the detectives
396
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:53,200
♪ When they shoot
397
00:22:53,200 --> 00:22:55,120
♪ Shoot, shoot, shoot
398
00:22:56,640 --> 00:22:59,080
♪ They beat him up
till the teardrops start
399
00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:01,520
♪ But he can't be wounded
cos he's got no heart
400
00:23:09,880 --> 00:23:11,880
♪ Long shot of that jumping sign
401
00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:15,840
♪ Visible shivers
running down my spine
402
00:23:17,120 --> 00:23:19,040
♪ Cut the baby taking off her clothes
403
00:23:20,640 --> 00:23:24,120
♪ Close-up of the sign
that says 'we never close'
404
00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:26,360
♪ You snatch a tune,
you match a cigarette
405
00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:30,160
♪ She pulls the eyes out
with a face like a magnet
406
00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:33,760
♪ I don't know how much
more of this I can take
407
00:23:38,480 --> 00:23:41,480
♪ She's filing her nails
while they're dragging the lake
408
00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:46,360
♪ She's watching the detectives
409
00:23:48,120 --> 00:23:50,080
♪ Oh, he's so cute
410
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:53,560
♪ She's watching the detectives ♪
411
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:56,120
Oh! You all right?
412
00:24:01,040 --> 00:24:03,120
There!
413
00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:05,480
♪ But he can't be wounded
cos he's got no heart
414
00:24:13,720 --> 00:24:16,759
♪ You think you're alone
until you realise you're in it
415
00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:18,799
♪ Now fear is here to stay
416
00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:20,959
♪ Love is here for a visit
417
00:24:20,960 --> 00:24:24,279
♪ They call it instant justice
when it's past the legal limit
418
00:24:24,280 --> 00:24:26,439
♪ Someone's scratching at the window
419
00:24:26,440 --> 00:24:28,080
♪ I wonder, who is it? ♪
420
00:24:28,080 --> 00:24:30,000
Town hall, please.
421
00:24:32,520 --> 00:24:34,920
You all right, Sam?
I can't go!
422
00:24:36,040 --> 00:24:40,999
Put the taps on! Imagine a waterfall
gushing down into a trickling stream.
423
00:24:41,000 --> 00:24:45,079
You're making me want to go.
424
00:24:45,080 --> 00:24:47,159
This is the funniest thing ever.
425
00:24:47,160 --> 00:24:49,239
She really believes it!
426
00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:52,639
Can we not just tell her
it's a wind-up? I feel rotten.
427
00:24:52,640 --> 00:24:54,680
Wait until she does the test first.
428
00:24:54,680 --> 00:24:57,280
Eh, I can't wait to see her face!
429
00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:05,880
Did you wash your hands?
Yeah.
430
00:25:07,080 --> 00:25:09,159
Good.
431
00:25:09,160 --> 00:25:11,239
Look, Sam...
He's going to stick by you.
432
00:25:11,240 --> 00:25:13,399
Whatever happens. Aren't you?
433
00:25:13,400 --> 00:25:15,399
Aren't you?
Yes!
434
00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:17,400
Yeah.
Good.
435
00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:19,320
Because it's positive.
436
00:25:42,880 --> 00:25:45,359
Do you want to wait inside?
You can sit down.
437
00:25:45,360 --> 00:25:47,439
I'm fine where I am, thank you.
438
00:25:47,440 --> 00:25:50,999
Let them laugh. I'm the one who's
going to be fifty grand richer.
439
00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:57,000
You look like the woman in that
American comedy in the 1960s.
440
00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:59,840
I Dream Of Jeannie.
The Addams Family.
441
00:26:00,920 --> 00:26:02,999
Give us a ciggie, Mam.
442
00:26:03,000 --> 00:26:06,959
Now that's one bad habit
I never did take up.
443
00:26:06,960 --> 00:26:08,999
Thank goodness.
444
00:26:09,000 --> 00:26:11,039
It makes your clothes stink,
445
00:26:11,040 --> 00:26:13,199
your fingers yellow.
446
00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:16,319
And it fills your lungs up
with guitar.
447
00:26:16,320 --> 00:26:18,559
It's two minutes of pleasure, Noreen.
448
00:26:18,560 --> 00:26:21,679
Believe me, I'll take it
where I can get it at the moment.
449
00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:23,879
Look what the cat's dragged in!
450
00:26:23,880 --> 00:26:26,039
I thought you weren't coming.
451
00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:29,080
I've got some bad news.
What have you done now?!
452
00:26:29,080 --> 00:26:31,880
I haven't done anything!
Give me a chance to explain!
453
00:26:33,480 --> 00:26:35,440
We ran into Mohammed
at a bar in town.
454
00:26:35,441 --> 00:26:37,520
Where is he, then?
455
00:26:37,520 --> 00:26:39,400
Madge...
456
00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:42,679
He's not coming.
457
00:26:42,680 --> 00:26:44,679
What do you mean, he's not coming?
458
00:26:44,680 --> 00:26:46,839
What have you said to him?
459
00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:49,559
He's a conman. I doubt
his name's even Mohammed.
460
00:26:49,560 --> 00:26:51,719
I saw him on the telly.
He's an actor.
461
00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:55,319
He was playing a part with us.
He was just after your money.
462
00:26:55,320 --> 00:26:57,439
I haven't got any friggin' money!
463
00:26:57,440 --> 00:27:00,479
He didn't know that.
He thought you were a rich widow.
464
00:27:00,480 --> 00:27:02,639
You'd have to pay him off
to get divorced.
465
00:27:02,640 --> 00:27:05,639
I never trusted him from the moment
we set eyes on him.
466
00:27:05,640 --> 00:27:08,359
You kept that quiet!
No, I said it about 50 times.
467
00:27:08,360 --> 00:27:11,919
You couldn't bear it that I had a
nice young lad wanted to marry me
468
00:27:11,920 --> 00:27:14,599
while you're stuck with
that useless streak of piss.
469
00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:17,119
Hang on a minute!
You poisoned him against me.
470
00:27:17,120 --> 00:27:19,279
Made up all those wicked lies.
471
00:27:19,280 --> 00:27:21,720
Shall we just go back home?
No!
472
00:27:21,720 --> 00:27:26,320
I'm going to find Mohammed
and he can tell me what's going on
once and for all!
473
00:27:28,240 --> 00:27:30,999
We followed him.
Come on!
474
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:33,200
No point going down there.
He got a taxi.
475
00:27:33,200 --> 00:27:35,120
Where did you see him?
476
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:42,480
Do you know, I've been holding
this rice for so long
I think it's cooked!
477
00:27:42,480 --> 00:27:45,320
Oh, well, waste not want not.
478
00:27:57,000 --> 00:27:59,119
I've been through all the evidence
479
00:27:59,120 --> 00:28:02,519
and I can honestly say
I'm none the wiser.
480
00:28:02,520 --> 00:28:04,599
They all look to be up to no good.
481
00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:09,479
Maybe they're all doing it together,
like in that film.
482
00:28:09,480 --> 00:28:11,559
Murder On The Orient Express.
483
00:28:11,560 --> 00:28:14,079
I was thinking of Grimsby Gang Bang.
484
00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:18,319
No, my little grey cells tell me
this is the work of an individual.
485
00:28:18,320 --> 00:28:20,519
We've got to go over
everything again.
486
00:28:20,520 --> 00:28:22,599
There must be something we missed.
487
00:28:22,600 --> 00:28:25,599
Do we have to?
I'm sweating cobs in here.
488
00:28:25,600 --> 00:28:29,879
No solid leads.
What we need is a Deep Throat.
489
00:28:29,880 --> 00:28:32,119
I thought you wanted
to get on with this?!
490
00:28:32,120 --> 00:28:34,200
I mean an informant.
491
00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:36,080
A whistle-blower.
492
00:28:39,400 --> 00:28:41,880
I say, that's a bit queer.
493
00:28:43,240 --> 00:28:45,279
Take a look at this.
494
00:28:45,280 --> 00:28:48,679
Something here doesn't add up.
495
00:28:48,680 --> 00:28:51,679
Oh, yeah! Eh, you don't think...
496
00:28:51,680 --> 00:28:53,759
Looks that way.
497
00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:57,119
You go and jump in the bath.
I'll make a couple of phone calls.
498
00:28:57,120 --> 00:28:59,159
I'll join you presently.
499
00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:01,240
Oh, Donald, you are clever!
500
00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:03,120
Elementary, my dear Jacqueline.
501
00:29:09,200 --> 00:29:12,159
Then there was Kevin.
Worked at Stalybridge Argos.
502
00:29:12,160 --> 00:29:14,479
Lousy in bed
but wonderful breakfasts.
503
00:29:14,480 --> 00:29:16,759
And then...
Ah, two birds with one stone.
504
00:29:16,760 --> 00:29:20,079
Could you join me in my private
quarters for a staff meeting?
505
00:29:20,080 --> 00:29:23,920
Sorry, we're not staff. Blow And Go
is an independent retail outlet.
506
00:29:23,920 --> 00:29:26,480
What I have to say
does concern you all the same.
507
00:29:28,120 --> 00:29:32,559
There'll be a glass of Tio Pepe and
some pass their sell-by
dry-roasted peanuts.
508
00:29:32,560 --> 00:29:34,559
Ooh, she knows my Achilles heel.
509
00:29:34,560 --> 00:29:36,640
Come on, then.
510
00:29:36,640 --> 00:29:38,560
Come on, Carmen.
511
00:29:43,600 --> 00:29:45,719
Are you sure the test was positive?
512
00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:48,679
You saw it.
It was definitely a line.
513
00:29:48,680 --> 00:29:50,839
♪ I'll Stand By You
514
00:29:50,840 --> 00:29:52,999
Hiya. Can I sit down?
515
00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:55,519
Yeah. I want to go through
a few names with you.
516
00:29:55,520 --> 00:29:58,559
How do you feel about Brioche?
517
00:29:58,560 --> 00:30:00,639
You know, like the cake.
518
00:30:00,640 --> 00:30:02,719
I think it's lovely.
519
00:30:02,720 --> 00:30:05,679
Listen, Sam. I've been thinking
about the situation.
520
00:30:05,680 --> 00:30:07,799
And...
521
00:30:07,800 --> 00:30:11,359
I'm going to stick by you. Whatever
you need, I'll support you.
522
00:30:11,360 --> 00:30:14,400
Thanks, Liam.
But I won't live in sin.
523
00:30:14,400 --> 00:30:16,560
You know that, don't you?
What?
524
00:30:18,240 --> 00:30:20,359
Y-You want to get married?
525
00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:22,319
Oh...
I wouldn't rush into things.
526
00:30:22,320 --> 00:30:24,439
Why not?
527
00:30:24,440 --> 00:30:26,679
How does he even know
if the baby's his?
528
00:30:26,680 --> 00:30:28,639
Are you calling me a slag?
No.
529
00:30:28,640 --> 00:30:30,759
But if it was Liam's,
530
00:30:30,760 --> 00:30:33,759
it wouldn't show up on a test
the day after.
531
00:30:33,760 --> 00:30:35,879
You said it would.
532
00:30:35,880 --> 00:30:38,679
I was joking.
He didn't even sleep with you.
533
00:30:38,680 --> 00:30:40,799
We were having you on!
534
00:30:40,800 --> 00:30:43,000
Is this true?
She made me do it.
535
00:30:43,000 --> 00:30:44,920
I thought it would be funny.
536
00:30:45,800 --> 00:30:47,840
Sam, I'm so sorry.
537
00:30:47,840 --> 00:30:49,760
I'm really gutted for you.
538
00:30:51,400 --> 00:30:53,280
But that baby is not Liam's.
539
00:30:56,280 --> 00:30:58,279
It must be Charlie's, then.
540
00:30:58,280 --> 00:31:00,360
Who's Charlie?
541
00:31:00,360 --> 00:31:02,280
Her.
542
00:31:03,720 --> 00:31:05,839
Did you think I were born yesterday?
543
00:31:05,840 --> 00:31:07,999
I heard you whispering
all afternoon.
544
00:31:08,000 --> 00:31:09,999
Some friends you turned out to be.
545
00:31:10,000 --> 00:31:12,159
I met Charlie by the pool.
546
00:31:12,160 --> 00:31:15,480
She gave me a cup of her pee
to do the test with.
547
00:31:15,480 --> 00:31:17,400
The joke's on you, dickheads!
548
00:31:19,480 --> 00:31:22,599
So you don't want to marry me, then.
Not in a million years.
549
00:31:22,600 --> 00:31:24,680
Cheers!
550
00:31:24,680 --> 00:31:26,560
You were double-bluffing us!
551
00:31:27,680 --> 00:31:29,600
That's class, girl.
552
00:31:30,800 --> 00:31:33,679
What about her? She were the one
that thought of it.
553
00:31:33,680 --> 00:31:35,680
Who got you that drink?
You did.
554
00:31:35,680 --> 00:31:38,760
Yeah. I brought the glass down
with me from our bathroom.
555
00:31:40,520 --> 00:31:43,559
Guess what was in that glass
earlier this afternoon.
556
00:31:43,560 --> 00:31:45,960
I thought you liked taking the piss,
Trudy.
557
00:31:45,960 --> 00:31:47,840
Another round?
558
00:32:05,960 --> 00:32:08,079
Where the bloody hell are we?
559
00:32:08,080 --> 00:32:10,399
It's like Disneyland
in the olden days.
560
00:32:10,400 --> 00:32:13,120
Travel back in time
to a medieval court.
561
00:32:13,120 --> 00:32:16,160
Watch brave knights fight
for the honour of their queen.
562
00:32:17,360 --> 00:32:20,079
They've got a torture chamber disco
downstairs.
563
00:32:20,080 --> 00:32:22,359
Does that mean
you're doing the karaoke?
564
00:32:22,360 --> 00:32:24,399
Ha bloody ha.
565
00:32:24,400 --> 00:32:26,440
Four, please. Cheers, cock.
566
00:32:26,440 --> 00:32:28,400
Come on. Let's go in.
567
00:32:58,960 --> 00:33:00,960
Keep your eyes peeled for Mohammed.
568
00:33:00,960 --> 00:33:02,880
He's probably a waiter.
569
00:33:05,120 --> 00:33:08,080
Could be a knight.
More like one of the bloody horses.
570
00:33:08,080 --> 00:33:10,000
Keep looking.
571
00:33:14,280 --> 00:33:16,200
Have you seen him, Mam?
572
00:33:19,840 --> 00:33:22,559
So do you think there is
any inheritance money?
573
00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:25,759
Or did he make it all up?
How the bloody hell should I know?
574
00:33:25,760 --> 00:33:27,760
Do I look like Doris Stokes?
575
00:33:27,760 --> 00:33:29,680
Don't.
576
00:33:34,120 --> 00:33:36,839
He had Mel's cigarette case,
that's all I know.
577
00:33:36,840 --> 00:33:39,120
He didn't find that in the street,
did he?!
578
00:33:39,120 --> 00:33:41,040
How do you know?
579
00:33:42,560 --> 00:33:44,400
Dad.
What?
580
00:33:50,640 --> 00:33:53,640
He was working here all along?!
581
00:33:56,280 --> 00:33:58,319
The cheating bastard!
582
00:33:58,320 --> 00:34:00,399
Here, you!
583
00:34:00,400 --> 00:34:02,399
Where's my Mel's money?
584
00:34:02,400 --> 00:34:04,480
Aaghh!
585
00:34:04,480 --> 00:34:06,360
Come back here!
586
00:34:08,880 --> 00:34:11,480
Where's my Mel's money?
Where is my Mel's money?
587
00:34:14,320 --> 00:34:16,240
Aaaghh!
588
00:34:18,080 --> 00:34:20,040
Where are you?
Madge!
589
00:34:20,040 --> 00:34:21,920
Liar! You bastard!
590
00:34:26,080 --> 00:34:28,000
You can't get away from me!
591
00:34:32,080 --> 00:34:34,040
Madge!
I'm coming after you!
592
00:34:34,040 --> 00:34:36,000
I'll get you!
593
00:34:38,840 --> 00:34:40,839
I'll get you!
594
00:34:40,840 --> 00:34:42,920
I'm coming!
595
00:34:42,920 --> 00:34:44,800
I'm after you!
596
00:34:46,760 --> 00:34:48,640
Mam!
597
00:34:50,120 --> 00:34:52,199
I'll get you!
598
00:34:52,200 --> 00:34:54,199
Come on!
599
00:34:54,200 --> 00:34:56,280
Where is he?
600
00:34:56,280 --> 00:34:58,160
Come back here!
601
00:35:00,440 --> 00:35:02,519
So this is how the other half live.
602
00:35:02,520 --> 00:35:04,599
Very nice.
603
00:35:04,600 --> 00:35:08,439
Mind you, a quick blast around with
a Dyson wouldn't have gone amiss.
604
00:35:08,440 --> 00:35:10,719
Are you coveting my apartment,
Lesley?
605
00:35:10,720 --> 00:35:12,959
Or are you coveting my position
perhaps?
606
00:35:12,960 --> 00:35:14,879
Sherry?
Thank you.
607
00:35:14,880 --> 00:35:17,039
Why you have photos of us?
608
00:35:17,040 --> 00:35:20,319
It's employee of the month.
One of us is in line for a bonus.
609
00:35:20,320 --> 00:35:22,279
Not quite.
610
00:35:22,280 --> 00:35:24,479
Oh! More guests.
611
00:35:24,480 --> 00:35:26,559
Sorry we're late.
612
00:35:26,560 --> 00:35:28,559
Just tying up a few loose ends.
613
00:35:28,560 --> 00:35:30,679
What are they doing here?
614
00:35:30,680 --> 00:35:33,199
I thought this was a meeting
for staff only.
615
00:35:33,200 --> 00:35:35,559
They are staff,
in a manner of speaking.
616
00:35:35,560 --> 00:35:38,679
I've become aware, during my brief
spell in charge here,
617
00:35:38,680 --> 00:35:42,239
that somebody in this room is
trying to undermine my position.
618
00:35:42,240 --> 00:35:44,879
So Joyce asked us to carry out
an investigation
619
00:35:44,880 --> 00:35:47,039
as to who the mole might be.
620
00:35:47,040 --> 00:35:51,279
And we've made a few surprising
discoveries along the way.
621
00:35:51,280 --> 00:35:55,079
Oh, this is crazy talk. I don't have
to stay here and listen to this.
622
00:35:55,080 --> 00:36:00,159
That's a shame because
we've got some really good
photographs to show everyone.
623
00:36:00,160 --> 00:36:02,359
What photographs?
624
00:36:02,360 --> 00:36:07,599
The ones you paid Officer Martinez
250 Euros to keep out
of the public domain.
625
00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:10,999
But sadly, you are closing
the stable door
626
00:36:11,000 --> 00:36:14,439
once the horse, he has shot his bolt.
627
00:36:14,440 --> 00:36:16,999
My wife, she must never see
these pictures.
628
00:36:17,000 --> 00:36:19,239
We were quite surprised
when we saw them.
629
00:36:19,240 --> 00:36:21,399
And we're broad-minded.
630
00:36:21,400 --> 00:36:23,879
Oh, what have you been up to,
you mucky mare?
631
00:36:23,880 --> 00:36:26,879
I tell you already, do not poke
around in my business!
632
00:36:26,880 --> 00:36:29,080
It is all your fault anyway.
What is?
633
00:36:29,080 --> 00:36:31,000
This.
634
00:36:33,680 --> 00:36:36,759
I haven't got my glasses.
Is it Barbra Streisand?
635
00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:40,760
This is a different kind
of funny girl.
I'd heard he was 50% Colwyn Bay.
636
00:36:40,760 --> 00:36:43,680
Our friend here was arrested
last year for soliciting.
637
00:36:44,880 --> 00:36:47,840
It was a misunderstanding.
I think you look lovely.
638
00:36:47,840 --> 00:36:50,520
Yes, and at least you can't get her
in the family way.
639
00:36:52,200 --> 00:36:54,400
No, it wasn't me.
640
00:36:54,400 --> 00:37:00,320
It wasn't you who bought the
pregnancy testing kit from the
pharmacia at 13:46 today?
641
00:37:01,480 --> 00:37:03,679
You dropped the receipt in Reception.
642
00:37:03,680 --> 00:37:05,719
Yeah, that was me.
But it was a joke.
643
00:37:05,720 --> 00:37:08,519
We were winding Sam up.
It was nothing sinister.
644
00:37:08,520 --> 00:37:11,280
What other jokes have you been
playing, I wonder.
645
00:37:11,280 --> 00:37:13,200
You leave my son out of this
or else.
646
00:37:13,201 --> 00:37:15,359
Or else what? You'll go to the press?
647
00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:17,879
Perhaps you should have a word
with Kenneth.
648
00:37:17,880 --> 00:37:22,759
He's very chummy with the advertising
director of the Costa Blanca Citizen.
649
00:37:22,760 --> 00:37:24,799
N'est-ce pas?
What?
650
00:37:24,800 --> 00:37:27,079
We just talk about our job,
that's all.
651
00:37:27,080 --> 00:37:30,560
Right, you've proved your point.
We've all got an axe to grind.
652
00:37:30,560 --> 00:37:35,200
Yes, but only one of you
was caught holding a smoking gun.
653
00:37:45,680 --> 00:37:48,759
We've scared him off. Can we go back
to the hotel and call the police?
654
00:37:48,760 --> 00:37:50,799
No, I want some answers.
655
00:37:50,800 --> 00:37:52,959
I don't think there are any, Mam.
656
00:37:52,960 --> 00:37:55,920
He was just a conman
playing on a rich widow.
657
00:37:55,920 --> 00:37:57,840
I'll skin him alive if I find him.
658
00:37:59,080 --> 00:38:01,199
You're in the right place for it.
659
00:38:01,200 --> 00:38:04,759
Look at all this. It's like Donald
and Jacqueline's spare room.
660
00:38:04,760 --> 00:38:08,640
How many times, Mam?! You can't smoke
inside. They've changed the law.
661
00:38:08,640 --> 00:38:10,600
Aaagh!
662
00:38:16,840 --> 00:38:19,160
You've got some explaining to do,
sunshine!
663
00:38:20,680 --> 00:38:23,280
Please, I am sorry.
What were you playing at?
664
00:38:23,280 --> 00:38:26,080
Have you got Mel's money
or haven't you? No more lies!
665
00:38:29,520 --> 00:38:31,679
There is no money.
666
00:38:31,680 --> 00:38:33,999
My cousin used to work
in Benidorm Palace.
667
00:38:34,000 --> 00:38:36,120
He told me all about Mel.
668
00:38:36,120 --> 00:38:38,080
That he was a very generous man.
Hey!
669
00:38:38,081 --> 00:38:40,199
We said no more lies.
670
00:38:40,200 --> 00:38:42,719
Then I hear that Madge
is back in Benidorm.
671
00:38:42,720 --> 00:38:46,999
I start to think if we get married
that maybe we can share
some of Mel's fortune.
672
00:38:47,000 --> 00:38:49,039
I didn't realise he died a porpoise.
673
00:38:49,040 --> 00:38:51,079
Paup-er.
674
00:38:51,080 --> 00:38:52,799
You used me!
675
00:38:52,800 --> 00:38:55,399
The wages here are very poor.
The English do not tip.
676
00:38:55,400 --> 00:38:58,159
I'll give you a tip.
Don't mess with the Garveys.
677
00:38:58,160 --> 00:39:01,040
This woman's been through enough
past couple of years.
678
00:39:01,040 --> 00:39:03,240
It's all right, Mick.
I'll deal with him.
679
00:39:05,080 --> 00:39:07,200
What are you going to do?
680
00:39:07,200 --> 00:39:09,320
I am going to get medieval
on your arse.
681
00:39:11,880 --> 00:39:13,959
Aaagh!
682
00:39:13,960 --> 00:39:15,959
Ohhhh!
683
00:39:15,960 --> 00:39:18,119
Aghhh!
684
00:39:18,120 --> 00:39:21,799
One of the most annoying things
about a hairdresser's, Kenneth,
685
00:39:21,800 --> 00:39:23,999
is how out of date
the magazines can be.
686
00:39:24,000 --> 00:39:27,879
This copy of Take A Break magazine
687
00:39:27,880 --> 00:39:31,239
is from September 2005.
688
00:39:31,240 --> 00:39:36,599
Yet I can see Carmen was enjoying
reading it this afternoon.
689
00:39:36,600 --> 00:39:38,599
In English!
690
00:39:38,600 --> 00:39:40,199
No, no Englis.
691
00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:42,399
She's probably looking
at the pictures.
692
00:39:42,400 --> 00:39:44,839
She managed to have a go
at the crossword too.
693
00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:46,919
So I did a background check.
694
00:39:46,920 --> 00:39:48,999
Carmen's father is indeed Spanish.
695
00:39:49,000 --> 00:39:52,160
But we were quite surprised
to find out who her mother is.
696
00:39:52,160 --> 00:39:54,320
Would you like to tell everybody?
697
00:39:55,680 --> 00:39:58,120
Don't just sit there! Get after her!
698
00:40:03,320 --> 00:40:05,960
♪ Sweet Caroline
699
00:40:07,840 --> 00:40:12,119
♪ Good times never seemed so good ♪
700
00:40:12,120 --> 00:40:14,199
Hello, Noreen. How are you?
701
00:40:14,200 --> 00:40:16,279
I'm wiped out.
702
00:40:16,280 --> 00:40:19,319
I've been a witness at six weddings
today.
703
00:40:19,320 --> 00:40:21,319
Six?!
Yes.
704
00:40:21,320 --> 00:40:24,599
Janice asked me to Madge's wedding.
705
00:40:24,600 --> 00:40:27,199
But the groom never showed up.
706
00:40:27,200 --> 00:40:31,559
So I just hung around
and got roped in for the next one.
707
00:40:31,560 --> 00:40:33,599
And the one after that.
708
00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:36,319
There were five proper weddings
709
00:40:36,320 --> 00:40:38,319
and one lesbian one.
710
00:40:38,320 --> 00:40:41,399
Margarita and Natalia.
711
00:40:41,400 --> 00:40:43,519
You probably know them.
712
00:40:43,520 --> 00:40:47,519
Yes, because all gay people live in
one big happy international utopia.
713
00:40:47,520 --> 00:40:49,599
That's what I thought.
714
00:40:49,600 --> 00:40:52,839
Listen, I wonder if you could do me
a favour.
715
00:40:52,840 --> 00:40:56,599
When I get onstage, I'd like you
to dial Troy's number.
716
00:40:56,600 --> 00:40:59,239
And hold the phone up
so he can hear me.
717
00:40:59,240 --> 00:41:01,280
Could you not get a signal?
718
00:41:01,280 --> 00:41:03,240
I want to surprise him.
719
00:41:04,720 --> 00:41:08,880
Thank you, Derek. Next up,
we have Gavin. Where is Gavin?
720
00:41:15,400 --> 00:41:18,760
I've never done this before
so I hope you'll all bear with me.
721
00:41:20,880 --> 00:41:24,680
I just wanted to sing a song for
my husband who's back in the UK.
722
00:41:29,880 --> 00:41:31,839
♪ For once in my life
723
00:41:31,840 --> 00:41:35,040
♪ I've got someone who needs me
724
00:41:35,040 --> 00:41:37,880
♪ Someone I've needed so long
725
00:41:39,880 --> 00:41:44,560
♪ For once unafraid, I can go
where life leads me
726
00:41:45,600 --> 00:41:48,840
♪ And somehow I know I'll be strong
727
00:41:50,000 --> 00:41:52,080
♪ For once I can touch
728
00:41:52,080 --> 00:41:54,000
♪ What my heart used to dream of
729
00:41:55,680 --> 00:41:57,560
♪ Long before I knew
730
00:42:00,680 --> 00:42:03,000
♪ Someone warm like you
731
00:42:05,240 --> 00:42:07,120
♪ Could make my dreams come true
732
00:42:10,400 --> 00:42:12,400
♪ For once in my life
733
00:42:12,400 --> 00:42:14,320
♪ I won't let sorrow hurt me
734
00:42:15,440 --> 00:42:17,960
♪ Not like it's hurt me before ♪
735
00:42:21,160 --> 00:42:23,240
No!
736
00:42:23,240 --> 00:42:25,120
♪ I know won't desert me
737
00:42:26,360 --> 00:42:28,320
♪ I'm not alone any more
738
00:42:30,600 --> 00:42:32,600
♪ For once I can say
739
00:42:32,600 --> 00:42:34,520
♪ This is mine, you can't take it
740
00:42:35,840 --> 00:42:40,080
♪ As long as I know I've got love,
I can take it ♪
741
00:42:41,320 --> 00:42:43,439
Oh, no, you don't.
742
00:42:43,440 --> 00:42:46,360
Are you going to tell us
who you've been working for?
743
00:42:46,360 --> 00:42:48,280
Come on, missy.
744
00:43:00,200 --> 00:43:02,919
Carmen! Where the friggin' hell
have you been?
745
00:43:02,920 --> 00:43:07,559
I've been skulking round this back
alley like some Ponienti prostitute.
746
00:43:07,560 --> 00:43:09,599
Not Carmen, I'm afraid.
747
00:43:09,600 --> 00:43:11,640
Joyce Temple-Savage.
748
00:43:11,640 --> 00:43:13,960
And I'm the Solana manageress.
749
00:43:15,560 --> 00:43:19,880
And there's me thinking they just
brought out some life-size
menopause Barbie.
750
00:43:21,040 --> 00:43:23,279
I see you got the Fritzls
with you as well.
751
00:43:23,280 --> 00:43:25,519
Hello! Enjoying your holiday?
752
00:43:25,520 --> 00:43:27,239
Oh, yes.
753
00:43:27,240 --> 00:43:29,279
Sorry.
Game's up, Janey.
754
00:43:29,280 --> 00:43:31,439
We all know about
your little scheme.
755
00:43:31,440 --> 00:43:34,799
Your daughter has been passing
on privileged information
756
00:43:34,800 --> 00:43:37,999
and you have been using it to
besmirch my good character.
757
00:43:38,000 --> 00:43:41,399
You what? She only works
in a hairdresser's!
758
00:43:41,400 --> 00:43:43,999
She hasn't signed
the Official Secrets Act!
759
00:43:44,000 --> 00:43:47,439
And it's not my fault if fat Jedward
couldn't keep his gob shut!
760
00:43:47,440 --> 00:43:50,679
It's industrial espionage, Janey.
761
00:43:50,680 --> 00:43:54,759
You wanted the hotel to lose
business so that Headquarters
would fire me,
762
00:43:54,760 --> 00:43:58,320
come to you on bended knees,
begging to reinstate you!
763
00:43:58,320 --> 00:44:03,040
And you'd have gotten away with it
too if it wasn't for us
pesky swingers.
764
00:44:06,200 --> 00:44:08,319
Carmen didn't want to do it.
765
00:44:08,320 --> 00:44:11,120
So she shouldn't get into trouble
because of me.
766
00:44:11,120 --> 00:44:15,240
Why, Janey? I thought you'd had
a transfer to a nice three-star
in Marbella.
767
00:44:16,680 --> 00:44:18,839
Because I hated it.
768
00:44:18,840 --> 00:44:22,159
It was all tit-jobs and designer
sunglasses. All for show.
769
00:44:22,160 --> 00:44:25,879
I never thought I'd say this,
but I missed Benidorm.
770
00:44:25,880 --> 00:44:29,079
I missed the hairy tattooed arms.
771
00:44:29,080 --> 00:44:31,519
And the beer bellies
with operation scars.
772
00:44:31,520 --> 00:44:33,719
And that's just the women.
773
00:44:33,720 --> 00:44:38,279
Families sitting outside with a mug
of Tetley's watching Corrie
in their vests.
774
00:44:38,280 --> 00:44:41,920
I know it's cheap and tacky and
sometimes it makes you cringe a bit.
775
00:44:41,920 --> 00:44:43,880
But at least it's real!
776
00:44:45,320 --> 00:44:47,400
I'm sorry.
777
00:44:47,400 --> 00:44:49,520
I didn't mean to cause you
any problems.
778
00:44:51,200 --> 00:44:53,479
I just wanted to come back,
that was all.
779
00:44:53,480 --> 00:44:55,999
You can come back. We do.
780
00:44:56,000 --> 00:44:58,519
Every year for over 20 years.
781
00:44:58,520 --> 00:45:00,599
It's called a holiday.
782
00:45:00,600 --> 00:45:02,599
You're joking, aren't you?
783
00:45:02,600 --> 00:45:04,719
I wouldn't come here on holiday!
784
00:45:04,720 --> 00:45:07,399
Have you seen the state
of some of the people?!
785
00:45:07,400 --> 00:45:09,639
I'm not going to take this
any further.
786
00:45:09,640 --> 00:45:13,600
On condition that your contact
at the Costa Blanca Citizen
787
00:45:13,600 --> 00:45:16,080
gives us a glowing report
in the next edition.
788
00:45:18,520 --> 00:45:20,440
I'll see what I can do.
789
00:45:22,560 --> 00:45:24,600
♪ For once I can say
790
00:45:24,600 --> 00:45:27,360
♪ This is mine, you can't take it
791
00:45:28,320 --> 00:45:32,599
♪ As long as I know I've got love,
I can make it
792
00:45:32,600 --> 00:45:34,719
♪ For once in my life ♪
793
00:45:34,720 --> 00:45:36,679
Aah!
Aaah!
794
00:45:36,680 --> 00:45:38,760
Mateo!
795
00:45:38,760 --> 00:45:40,640
Ooh, you got heavy!
796
00:45:43,480 --> 00:45:45,559
Liam!
797
00:45:45,560 --> 00:45:46,880
♪ For once in my life
798
00:45:46,880 --> 00:45:51,240
♪ I've got someone who needs me ♪
799
00:46:00,240 --> 00:46:02,160
Troy? Troy, did you get that?
800
00:46:04,880 --> 00:46:06,879
Oh.
801
00:46:06,880 --> 00:46:08,960
I'm sorry.
802
00:46:08,960 --> 00:46:10,360
Wrong number.
803
00:46:10,789 --> 00:46:45,056
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
804
00:46:46,305 --> 00:46:52,583
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