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00:00:28,449 --> 00:00:32,249
Ah, good morning, sunshine.
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Another day in paradise.
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Oh, I think we've missed breakfast.
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But, ooh-hoo,
it was certainly worth it.
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Oh.
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Oh... It's gay Derek.
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Oh, lovely.
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00:00:46,869 --> 00:00:51,069
'Hi, Donald and Jacqueline, have you
heard the news about Big Donna?'
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Is she all right?
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No.
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No, she most certainly
is not all right.
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What's wrong?
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Jacqueline, I think
you may be in need of a stiff one
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before I tell you what's happened.
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Ooh.
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Where are you going?
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You said...
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Oh, sorry! You meant a drink.
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I'll get them in,
you go and get the sun-beds.
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No, I'm not apologising to no-one.
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It wasn't Clive's fault
our Michael got a tattoo.
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He wasn't there!
Then why was he so defensive?
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You punched him in the face!
I didn't punch him in the face.
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He pushed me and I pushed him back.
It amounts to the same thing.
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All right.
Well, if I do that to you,
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is that the same
as punching you in the face?
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Did you just push me? No...
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I was just showing you.
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Did you just push ME?!
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All right, Jan. Calm down.
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Excuse me.
Do you need any assistance?
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What, defending myself against him?
You must be joking.
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It's, Mr Gravy. Isn't it? Garvey.
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I feel it only fair to inform you,
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that your behaviour last night
did not go unnoticed.
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What? In fact, far from it.
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Under the new Solana Group directive
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we are now required to log all
activities of KNOWN troublemakers.
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Known troublemakers,
you're taking the piss, aren't you?
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10:38, threatening behaviour
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and using obscene language
towards Solana staff.
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You've gotta be joking!
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We apologise.
I'll keep my eye on him.
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Whoa, whoa, hang on a minute.
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I'm not apologising to nobody.
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You're telling me, you're gonna write down
the name of every person who swears?
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Cos you're gonna need
a damn sight bigger book than that.
49
00:02:36,789 --> 00:02:41,749
10:39, more swearing and shouting.
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'Damn' isn't swearing
and that wasn't shouting!
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I'd keep my head down if I were you.
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Being arrested at an airport isn't
the best start to anybody's holiday.
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No need to make things worse.
What did you know about that?
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You're a guest in my hotel,
Mr Gravy.
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It's my business to know.
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And it's Garvey.
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Come on.
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The man's an animal.
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I regret the day
I let my daughter marry him.
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Well, it's all water
under the bridge. Is it?
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You said you were gonna
rip his head off this morning.
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Shut up, you.
Oh, and you'd be right to.
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It's the only language
people like that understand.
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And after the things
he said he was going to do to you.
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Oh, yeah. What things?
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Oh, I'm not one for telling tales.
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I just mind my own business.
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All though, some of the things he was
saying about you'd make your hair curl.
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Well, like you,
we're not ones for telling tales.
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Go on.
Oh, no.
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I'm not getting involved.
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But I do think he had a cheek
going on about how short you are.
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He's not exactly
the Jolly Green Giant himself.
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And who's he to call you ugly?
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As I said to my daughter last night,
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I'm sure you make up for it
in personality.
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Right.
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Enjoy your morning.
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Morning.
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OK, team. I won't keep you very
long.
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Just to say that we have now,
more or less,
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weeded out the last of the
bogus wrist bands.
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All genuine Solana residents
have now been issued
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with the new pink style band.
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But if anybody's acting suspicious,
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please ask them
for their room number
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and check against the database.
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How do we do that? Sorry?
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Well, if we're serving
behind the pool bar,
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we want to find out
if someone is genuine resident,
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and they haven't just bought
their wrist band in a pub,
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how do I check the database?
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Erm... Ah, we ask them
to describe their room.
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Very good, Mateo.
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I'm glad to see someone's
thinking on their feet.
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And if they say
it is nice and comfortable
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we know we are smelling the rats.
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Just send them to the front desk,
I'll check their identity.
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Morning. What's that?
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What's it got to do with you?
You're bringing it into my hotel,
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that's what it's got to do with me.
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And now it's going into my salon,
so keep your fat nose out.
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I think you've got a lovely nose.
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Class dismissed!
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Do you really think you can get away
with speaking to me like that?!
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Yes!
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Right. I'll put the coffees on,
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you keep an eye out for Grotbags.
And when the coast is clear,
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we get this shifted
round to the pool bar.
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I don't think we're gonna get away
with this.
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That's what the Chuckle Brothers
said and look at them now.
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I still can't believe it.
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I thought Big Donna
would live forever.
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It's certainly a lot to take in.
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When did it happen? Last Friday.
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At the Bognor Regis over 60s
Bisexual Alliance.
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Oh, heck. That's a mouthful.
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Apparently those were Big Donna's
last words.
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Really? Is that how she died?
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I'm afraid so.
Well, that does surprise me.
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People always used to say
she could breath through her ears.
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Yes, I think that
was just a figure of speech.
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Oh, I suppose we've missed
the funeral?
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It's today.
Apparently Jackson's Pie Shop
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are having a late night opening
as a mark of respect.
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Oh, lovely.
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Well. they've realised
now that Donna's dead
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they'll probably be out of business
by the end of the month.
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Oh, Donna.
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Why don't we have another drink?
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Toast a life well lived.
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Oh, yes.
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Two triple chocolate fudge martinis
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with butterscotch sauce
and whipped cream.
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00:07:01,029 --> 00:07:02,749
It's what she would've wanted.
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00:07:02,789 --> 00:07:04,469
Sugared rim?
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00:07:04,509 --> 00:07:06,989
No, let's just have the drinks.
138
00:07:11,869 --> 00:07:13,549
He's not happy with you, that Clive.
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Mother, just leave it.
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Should've heard the things he was
saying about you this morning.
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He was turning the air blue.
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I'm surprised you've got time
for a holiday, Madge.
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What with shit-stirring being
a full-time job for you these days.
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00:07:25,549 --> 00:07:27,269
No need for language like that.
145
00:07:27,309 --> 00:07:29,229
I know you've had no education,
146
00:07:29,269 --> 00:07:34,189
but there's no reason to drag
everybody down to your level.
147
00:07:34,229 --> 00:07:36,229
Who are you texting? Our Michael.
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00:07:36,269 --> 00:07:38,109
Oh, you won't see him again today.
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00:07:38,149 --> 00:07:40,429
Not after the battering
you gave him last night.
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Never laid a finger on that lad.
Never mind Childline,
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00:07:43,509 --> 00:07:46,469
I'm surprised he hasn't had
Esther Rantzen's mobile number
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00:07:46,509 --> 00:07:48,189
tattooed on his other arm.
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00:07:48,229 --> 00:07:50,589
Oh, when's this ever gonna stop?!
You what?
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The lies, the nastiness.
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00:07:52,949 --> 00:07:56,229
The constant embarrassment
of a bony, venom-spitting carcass,
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who has no consideration
for anyone but herself!
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Who are you talking about? You!
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I'm talking about you!
Who did you think?
159
00:08:02,389 --> 00:08:04,229
Well, I knew it wasn't our Janice.
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00:08:04,269 --> 00:08:07,749
She's never been what you could call
bony! Look, there you go again.
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00:08:07,789 --> 00:08:10,549
Right, that's enough.
Honest to God, you're like kids.
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00:08:10,589 --> 00:08:12,909
Is there any chance at all
we could just sit here
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00:08:12,949 --> 00:08:14,869
and have one peaceful morning?
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Just a few hours without screaming,
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shouting, arguing,
or causing a fuss!
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Ah-ha-ha!
167
00:08:22,229 --> 00:08:23,909
What the frigging hell is this?!
168
00:08:33,829 --> 00:08:35,669
Hello again.
169
00:08:35,709 --> 00:08:37,629
Fancy seeing you here.
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00:08:37,669 --> 00:08:39,669
Woo-hoo-hoo!
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00:08:50,245 --> 00:08:52,970
Never, in all my years
in the travel industry,
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00:08:52,980 --> 00:08:55,492
and that includes four years
under Richard Branson,
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00:08:55,496 --> 00:08:57,676
have I witnessed
such appalling behaviour.
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00:08:57,719 --> 00:08:59,719
I know. They just sat there.
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00:08:59,759 --> 00:09:01,439
Open mouthed, just looking at us.
176
00:09:01,479 --> 00:09:05,399
Not one of the miserable bastards
joined in. Ha-ha!
177
00:09:05,439 --> 00:09:07,319
Very amusing! Thank you.
178
00:09:07,359 --> 00:09:09,039
I mean, it's not as if you're kids
179
00:09:09,079 --> 00:09:12,319
that can be put across somebody's
knee, grown men the lot of you.
180
00:09:12,359 --> 00:09:14,639
Oh, yeah.
You can put me across your knee.
181
00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:17,319
You know, there's only one thing
I like better than a MILF
182
00:09:17,359 --> 00:09:19,559
and that's a GMILF with attitude.
183
00:09:21,319 --> 00:09:24,159
What on Earth is a GMILF?
You're ridiculous!
184
00:09:24,199 --> 00:09:26,599
I mean, how old are you? 42?!
185
00:09:26,639 --> 00:09:30,679
A GMILF stands for a Grandmother
I'd like to... 42?!
186
00:09:30,719 --> 00:09:33,039
I'm sorry, is that a joke? I'm 36.
187
00:09:33,079 --> 00:09:36,719
Look, I know this isn't exactly
St Tropez, it's Benidorm.
188
00:09:36,759 --> 00:09:38,439
But we must have standards.
189
00:09:38,479 --> 00:09:42,559
Therefore, I'm going to have to ask
you to pack your bags and leave.
190
00:09:42,599 --> 00:09:44,679
A partial refund will be sent to you
191
00:09:44,719 --> 00:09:46,919
via your travel agent
within 28 days.
192
00:09:46,959 --> 00:09:48,639
Look, look, look, Joyce.
193
00:09:48,679 --> 00:09:50,759
I'm getting married.
194
00:09:50,799 --> 00:09:53,119
My commiserations to the bride.
195
00:09:53,159 --> 00:09:55,919
Oh, thank you. And, well, look,
I asked my best man Martin
196
00:09:55,959 --> 00:09:59,479
where in the world should I go
and spend my last few days as a free man?
197
00:09:59,519 --> 00:10:01,199
And can you guess
what he said to me?
198
00:10:01,239 --> 00:10:03,799
Something like,
"Please take a step back,
199
00:10:03,839 --> 00:10:06,119
your breath is beginning
to affect my vision"?
200
00:10:06,159 --> 00:10:09,239
No, he said Benidorm.
201
00:10:09,279 --> 00:10:11,519
And as Martin is in charge
of my stag weekend,
202
00:10:11,559 --> 00:10:15,199
Benidorm is where we came.
And Benidorm is where you can stay.
203
00:10:15,239 --> 00:10:16,999
Just not in my hotel.
204
00:10:17,039 --> 00:10:19,719
Look, I don't mean to be vulgar.
205
00:10:19,759 --> 00:10:21,639
But my friend
is mind-numbingly rich...
206
00:10:21,679 --> 00:10:23,359
He's right.
207
00:10:23,399 --> 00:10:25,199
And I'm sure we can, you know,
208
00:10:25,239 --> 00:10:32,759
sort out any problems with a large
donation to, you know, you.
209
00:10:32,799 --> 00:10:36,199
My decision is final.
This is a four-star establishment,
210
00:10:36,239 --> 00:10:38,559
we do not cater for
over-privileged idiots.
211
00:10:38,599 --> 00:10:41,839
So, you can take yourselves and
your inherited money elsewhere.
212
00:10:41,879 --> 00:10:46,199
Look. There's about 400 Euros there.
213
00:10:46,239 --> 00:10:50,919
Is there any chance of getting
some breakfast by the pool?
214
00:10:50,959 --> 00:10:53,479
I'll have it sent over
straight away.
215
00:10:53,519 --> 00:10:55,519
Boys. We're in!
216
00:11:02,919 --> 00:11:05,599
So, you've definitely
got a spare plug socket?
217
00:11:05,639 --> 00:11:07,759
Do you mean for electric-tricity?
218
00:11:07,799 --> 00:11:10,919
Of course. What is it for?
I'm afraid I can't tell you that.
219
00:11:10,959 --> 00:11:13,479
Suffice to say, there won't be
one person at the Solana
220
00:11:13,519 --> 00:11:16,479
that doesn't know that the grand
re-opening of Blow & Go is -
221
00:11:16,519 --> 00:11:18,199
Stop talking.
222
00:11:25,119 --> 00:11:29,839
Hiya, can I have three beers
and an orange juice please?
223
00:11:29,879 --> 00:11:32,199
Hiya.
224
00:11:32,239 --> 00:11:34,639
I'm Liam. Go away.
225
00:11:34,679 --> 00:11:36,799
No, I won't go away.
Don't be so rude.
226
00:11:36,839 --> 00:11:38,519
Look, I have work to do.
227
00:11:38,559 --> 00:11:41,279
How many times I have to tell you
to stop with your interfere?
228
00:11:41,319 --> 00:11:43,279
Just because I haven't got muscles
or a tan
229
00:11:43,319 --> 00:11:45,399
doesn't make me any less
of a man than you are.
230
00:11:45,439 --> 00:11:48,199
Just go. I said you can put
your plug in my socket later.
231
00:11:48,239 --> 00:11:50,079
Just make sure nobody find out.
232
00:11:50,119 --> 00:11:52,119
Go.
233
00:11:54,399 --> 00:11:57,719
Your friend all right?
Of course. He can be a little,
234
00:11:57,759 --> 00:12:00,159
how do you say, sensitive.
235
00:12:00,199 --> 00:12:01,879
Yeah, he looks it. Listen.
236
00:12:01,919 --> 00:12:06,479
There was a barman here yesterday,
blonde hair, blue eyes...
237
00:12:06,519 --> 00:12:09,079
Yes, we have big trouble
with this one. He has gone.
238
00:12:09,119 --> 00:12:11,999
What do you mean gone?
Gone, finished, goodbye.
239
00:12:12,039 --> 00:12:14,439
He leave town.
We were supposed to have a date.
240
00:12:14,479 --> 00:12:16,919
Really? With this one who was here?
241
00:12:16,959 --> 00:12:19,479
Oh, no. Yeah, whatever. It's fine.
242
00:12:19,519 --> 00:12:22,479
Listen. This one.
He was no good for you.
243
00:12:22,519 --> 00:12:24,719
You need a nice guy.
244
00:12:24,759 --> 00:12:26,839
A man who will take care of you.
245
00:12:26,879 --> 00:12:28,639
A man who appreciate your style,
246
00:12:28,679 --> 00:12:30,479
your beauty.
247
00:12:30,519 --> 00:12:33,759
Thanks. I'll keep looking.
248
00:12:33,799 --> 00:12:37,039
I hope everything works out
with your boyfriend.
249
00:12:37,079 --> 00:12:39,239
What? Hey, come back.
250
00:12:39,279 --> 00:12:40,959
I am not a moofalata!
251
00:12:44,159 --> 00:12:46,959
Well, look who's still here.
252
00:12:46,999 --> 00:12:49,879
Eight pints and Jaegerbomb chasers
if you please.
253
00:12:49,919 --> 00:12:53,559
- Get them in!
- Get them in! Get them in!
254
00:12:53,599 --> 00:12:55,599
Get them in! Get them in!
255
00:13:09,879 --> 00:13:12,079
You still haven't told me
exactly what this is.
256
00:13:12,119 --> 00:13:15,879
Shh! I said
it's our new advertising campaign.
257
00:13:15,919 --> 00:13:18,919
Which, incidentally,
is going to make us so much money
258
00:13:18,959 --> 00:13:22,039
your little russet gusset is going
to be a damp as an otter's pocket.
259
00:13:22,079 --> 00:13:25,959
Now, as the Catholic priest said
to the altar boy, get your end up.
260
00:13:36,119 --> 00:13:37,959
Undiluted scum.
261
00:13:37,999 --> 00:13:40,839
They are a bit rowdy.
262
00:13:40,879 --> 00:13:42,839
Oh, and here comes our Michael.
263
00:13:42,879 --> 00:13:46,199
That's another screaming match
to add to the madness.
264
00:13:46,239 --> 00:13:49,279
No, it's not. What's done is done.
265
00:13:49,319 --> 00:13:51,639
Wasn't exactly your attitude
last night.
266
00:13:51,679 --> 00:13:53,679
Thought you were gonna
skin the lad alive.
267
00:13:53,719 --> 00:13:55,959
Don't start that rubbish again.
268
00:13:55,999 --> 00:13:59,039
We'll get the tattoo removed when
we get home and while we're here
269
00:13:59,079 --> 00:14:01,999
we'll keep it covered up
and say no more about it. Agreed?
270
00:14:02,039 --> 00:14:03,479
Yeah.
271
00:14:03,519 --> 00:14:06,159
Madge, agreed?
It's nothing to do with me.
272
00:14:08,199 --> 00:14:10,159
Hiya, son.
Did you have a nice sleep in?
273
00:14:10,199 --> 00:14:12,279
Yeah, a bit.
But then I went to the shops.
274
00:14:12,319 --> 00:14:13,999
Did you get owt good?
275
00:14:14,039 --> 00:14:16,759
Dad, I know you're real mad at me
about getting this tattoo.
276
00:14:16,799 --> 00:14:18,559
No. I was just saying, son.
277
00:14:18,599 --> 00:14:20,559
I'm sorry for shouting
at you last night.
278
00:14:20,599 --> 00:14:23,119
Let's just forget all about it
till we get home, eh?
279
00:14:23,159 --> 00:14:26,239
I just wanted to say though,
it weren't the other lad's fault.
280
00:14:26,279 --> 00:14:28,319
It weren't Tiger's fault,
it was mine.
281
00:14:28,359 --> 00:14:30,039
I got drunk and I wanted the tattoo.
282
00:14:30,079 --> 00:14:31,999
Don't stop me hanging round
with him.
283
00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:34,239
I mean, he's the only person
here who's my age.
284
00:14:34,279 --> 00:14:36,959
You can hang around with me.
285
00:14:36,999 --> 00:14:39,119
Please.
286
00:14:39,159 --> 00:14:41,119
We'll see.
287
00:14:41,159 --> 00:14:43,159
Hey. Shall we go for a swim? No.
288
00:14:43,199 --> 00:14:45,559
I bought you all presents
to say I'm sorry.
289
00:14:45,599 --> 00:14:48,159
Oh, Michael.
You didn't have to do that.
290
00:14:48,199 --> 00:14:49,199
Mum.
291
00:14:52,039 --> 00:14:53,039
Dad.
292
00:14:53,079 --> 00:14:54,839
And, Nana. I got you some cigs.
293
00:14:56,839 --> 00:14:58,599
Oh, Michael. It's beautiful.
294
00:15:02,559 --> 00:15:05,719
Do you not like yours, Dad?
295
00:15:05,759 --> 00:15:07,559
I'm sorry I shouted at you, son.
296
00:15:07,599 --> 00:15:09,599
I'm sorry for being an idiot.
297
00:15:09,639 --> 00:15:11,879
Come here.
298
00:15:11,919 --> 00:15:13,999
Oh. I love you, son.
299
00:15:14,039 --> 00:15:16,039
Never forget that, yeah? Yeah.
300
00:15:19,719 --> 00:15:23,519
And I wonder where the money
came from to buy all these presents.
301
00:15:23,559 --> 00:15:26,399
Don't be so bloody ungrateful.
He's got his spending money.
302
00:15:26,439 --> 00:15:28,119
Not that sort of money.
303
00:15:28,159 --> 00:15:30,999
Them watches aren't market rubbish,
they're the real thing.
304
00:15:31,039 --> 00:15:32,719
I should know.
305
00:15:32,759 --> 00:15:35,599
Yeah, cos you're dripping
in designer jewellery aren't you?
306
00:15:35,639 --> 00:15:37,519
He's been on the rob.
307
00:15:37,559 --> 00:15:39,279
I know that guilty embarrassed face.
308
00:15:39,319 --> 00:15:42,359
I've seen it often enough. What,
every time you look in the mirror?
309
00:15:42,399 --> 00:15:44,319
Me? What have I got
to look guilty about?
310
00:15:44,359 --> 00:15:46,039
Oh, I don't know. Maybe because
311
00:15:46,079 --> 00:15:48,519
you're a nasty, complaining,
ungrateful old woman,
312
00:15:48,559 --> 00:15:50,919
who can't open her mouth
without either being rude
313
00:15:50,959 --> 00:15:53,519
or hurting someone's feelings!
314
00:15:53,559 --> 00:15:55,239
Oh, for God's sake. Michael!
315
00:15:55,279 --> 00:15:57,319
I'll go.
316
00:15:59,439 --> 00:16:01,559
Trust him to get the cheap ones.
317
00:16:05,039 --> 00:16:10,039
Chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug, chug!
318
00:16:13,479 --> 00:16:16,319
This is crazy, it's not even midday.
319
00:16:16,359 --> 00:16:18,159
Here you are, love.
Plug that in for us.
320
00:16:18,199 --> 00:16:20,599
You can't leave all this wire
trailing everywhere,
321
00:16:20,639 --> 00:16:22,559
it's a health and safety
hazard, man.
322
00:16:22,599 --> 00:16:25,439
That's rich coming from a
chain-smoking tranny in a nylon wig.
323
00:16:30,279 --> 00:16:32,079
Right, that's it.
I'm off to get Joyce.
324
00:16:32,119 --> 00:16:35,639
OK, OK. I think this calls for some
slightly more organised drinking games.
325
00:16:35,679 --> 00:16:38,919
Barman, bring us two tables, a broom
326
00:16:38,959 --> 00:16:41,959
and 50 shots
over to that far corner.
327
00:16:41,999 --> 00:16:46,119
Hey, hey. I am not your slave
and we have no games for drinking.
328
00:16:46,159 --> 00:16:49,079
This is against the rules.
Sorry, where are my manners?
329
00:16:49,119 --> 00:16:52,239
I forgot to give you a tip.
I do not need your money.
330
00:16:52,279 --> 00:16:54,319
I suggest you little boys
go down to the beach
331
00:16:54,359 --> 00:16:56,559
and play your stupid games there.
332
00:16:56,599 --> 00:16:58,359
What size broom did you want?
333
00:17:02,919 --> 00:17:04,959
Bit to the left. Bit more.
334
00:17:06,519 --> 00:17:10,039
Oh, my goodness.
She's quite impressive, isn't she?
335
00:17:10,079 --> 00:17:13,639
She's incredible. I've never seen
anything so amazing in my life.
336
00:17:13,679 --> 00:17:15,759
She only cost me 50 Euros
for the week.
337
00:17:15,799 --> 00:17:18,719
What? Mind you, I did
have to provide my own lettering.
338
00:17:18,759 --> 00:17:20,839
What the hell's going on!
339
00:17:20,879 --> 00:17:24,039
Just a bit of advertising
for the salon. Get that shifted now!
340
00:17:24,079 --> 00:17:25,759
Oh, what is your problem?
341
00:17:25,799 --> 00:17:28,239
I'm bringing a free attraction
to the hotel.
342
00:17:28,279 --> 00:17:30,279
Kids love inflatables. See!
343
00:17:31,799 --> 00:17:33,799
I think he's stuck.
344
00:17:37,439 --> 00:17:39,439
No, no.
345
00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:55,239
Look away!
346
00:18:01,879 --> 00:18:04,799
No, I'm sorry.
It just doesn't say Solana.
347
00:18:04,839 --> 00:18:06,519
Yes, it does. Along the bottom.
348
00:18:06,559 --> 00:18:08,959
No, I mean it doesn't fit in
with our brand. It's big,
349
00:18:08,999 --> 00:18:10,679
loud, tacky, and too noisy.
350
00:18:10,719 --> 00:18:14,359
Talking of which. Can't you do something
about Prince Harry and his squadron?
351
00:18:14,399 --> 00:18:17,559
I don't see what the problem is,
we've had stag parties here before.
352
00:18:17,599 --> 00:18:20,159
Yes, and you always come down
on them like a ton of bricks
353
00:18:20,199 --> 00:18:22,039
when they start getting rowdy.
354
00:18:22,079 --> 00:18:24,719
Which one are you shagging?
355
00:18:24,759 --> 00:18:26,439
I beg your pardon?!
356
00:18:26,479 --> 00:18:30,319
Oi! If you don't get those idiots
shifted from out that pool
357
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:32,079
I'll shift 'em for you.
358
00:18:32,119 --> 00:18:34,199
And believe me, you don't want that!
359
00:18:34,239 --> 00:18:36,359
For goodness sake.
What's wrong with you all?
360
00:18:36,399 --> 00:18:38,519
It's not as if
they're hurting anyone.
361
00:18:42,199 --> 00:18:44,199
Get that shifted.
362
00:18:53,919 --> 00:18:56,439
Come on. Let's go outside.
It's daft to be stuck in here
363
00:18:56,479 --> 00:18:58,479
when it's lovely
and sunny out there.
364
00:18:58,519 --> 00:19:00,719
I've really messed up
this time, ain't I?
365
00:19:00,759 --> 00:19:03,039
No, not really.
366
00:19:03,079 --> 00:19:05,079
Least they spelt it right.
367
00:19:07,599 --> 00:19:09,919
You didn't pinch them watches,
did you? No.
368
00:19:09,959 --> 00:19:11,959
I've got the receipt here.
369
00:19:19,599 --> 00:19:21,519
190 Euros for two watches.
370
00:19:21,559 --> 00:19:23,679
Where did you get
that sort of money?
371
00:19:23,719 --> 00:19:25,439
Busking.
372
00:19:25,479 --> 00:19:26,879
Busking?
373
00:19:26,919 --> 00:19:30,039
Yeah, Michael's an amazing singer.
374
00:19:30,079 --> 00:19:31,799
Break dancer. Er... Dancer.
375
00:19:31,839 --> 00:19:33,559
I meant to say break dancer.
376
00:19:33,599 --> 00:19:37,159
So, you two were break dancing
in Benidorm and got all that money?
377
00:19:37,199 --> 00:19:42,239
Yeah, this time next year
we'll be millionaires.
378
00:19:42,279 --> 00:19:44,119
Maybe I should
get your dad a role of lino
379
00:19:44,159 --> 00:19:46,559
so he can go out
and spin on his head.
380
00:19:46,599 --> 00:19:49,719
We could do with the money.
381
00:19:49,759 --> 00:19:53,159
Right. You kids stay out of trouble.
382
00:19:53,199 --> 00:19:55,199
See you later.
383
00:19:59,319 --> 00:20:01,359
You been flashing the cash, Mikey?
384
00:20:01,399 --> 00:20:05,199
Well, don't worry. I'm sure we can
find ourselves another little scam.
385
00:20:05,239 --> 00:20:07,679
It's just a question
of looking hard enough.
386
00:20:11,239 --> 00:20:13,599
Gentleman and lady.
387
00:20:13,639 --> 00:20:16,519
As much as it pains me
to interrupt your celebrations,
388
00:20:16,559 --> 00:20:19,599
I'm afraid we have a slight problem.
389
00:20:19,639 --> 00:20:21,719
Aye, you could say that.
390
00:20:21,759 --> 00:20:23,439
It has been brought to my attention
391
00:20:23,479 --> 00:20:27,999
that you are all positioned
nowhere near the bar.
392
00:20:28,039 --> 00:20:30,519
So, I have appointed Lesley,
our head barmaid,
393
00:20:30,559 --> 00:20:34,199
to be your personal cocktail
waitress for the rest of the day.
394
00:20:34,239 --> 00:20:37,199
That's right.
And if we hear another peep... What?
395
00:20:37,239 --> 00:20:40,679
Am I to take it that you two
are now members of this stag party?
396
00:20:40,719 --> 00:20:43,279
Jacqueline and I
have a relationship with Martin
397
00:20:43,319 --> 00:20:45,439
that goes back years.
Don't we, Martin?
398
00:20:45,479 --> 00:20:47,479
Erm, kind of.
399
00:20:47,519 --> 00:20:51,079
We've had some very sad news
about a dear friend
400
00:20:51,119 --> 00:20:53,839
and the boys are helping us
get over her.
401
00:20:53,879 --> 00:20:57,359
I remember the first time I needed
help getting over Big Donna.
402
00:20:57,399 --> 00:21:00,719
Took 25 minutes
and an indoor trampoline.
403
00:21:03,079 --> 00:21:05,679
I have prepared
the indoor reception bar
404
00:21:05,719 --> 00:21:08,559
with premium vodkas
and high-quality nuts.
405
00:21:08,599 --> 00:21:10,999
So, if you'd all like
to follow Lesley
406
00:21:11,039 --> 00:21:13,719
I'm sure you'll be safe
in her very capable,
407
00:21:13,759 --> 00:21:16,279
if slightly oversized, hands.
408
00:21:20,999 --> 00:21:22,679
Well, I think she's mad.
409
00:21:22,719 --> 00:21:24,759
This place could be like Disneyland,
but no.
410
00:21:24,799 --> 00:21:28,879
She's dead set on it being like
Tenko but without the glamour.
411
00:21:28,919 --> 00:21:30,599
What is Tenko?
412
00:21:30,639 --> 00:21:33,319
Don't you blaspheme in this salon.
What is Tenko?!
413
00:21:33,359 --> 00:21:35,479
Only Stephanie Beecham's
finest hour.
414
00:21:35,519 --> 00:21:37,319
It's a TV show from the 1980s.
415
00:21:37,359 --> 00:21:39,119
I've got all the DVDs.
416
00:21:39,159 --> 00:21:42,519
You can't compare the Solana
to a Japanese prisoner of war camp!
417
00:21:42,559 --> 00:21:45,639
You what? A bunch of sweaty Brits,
spending endless days
418
00:21:45,679 --> 00:21:48,919
trapped abroad in blistering heat
and appalling conditions.
419
00:21:48,959 --> 00:21:52,199
Not only that, Temple Savage bears
more than a passing resemblance
420
00:21:52,239 --> 00:21:54,199
to Burt Kwok when she's
looking at the sun.
421
00:21:54,239 --> 00:21:56,159
Oh, I cannot listen to more of this.
422
00:21:56,199 --> 00:21:58,199
Ah. Cheers, Mateo love. Thank you.
423
00:22:02,999 --> 00:22:05,319
Did you see her?
424
00:22:05,359 --> 00:22:08,879
Who? The girl in the white bikini.
425
00:22:08,919 --> 00:22:09,919
No.
426
00:22:09,959 --> 00:22:12,559
What about her? I think I'm in love.
427
00:22:12,599 --> 00:22:14,359
Oh, Liam love. For goodness sake.
428
00:22:14,399 --> 00:22:16,199
When are you gonna stop
kidding yourself?
429
00:22:16,239 --> 00:22:19,439
About what? You know what. You're
camper than a Brighton bus queue.
430
00:22:19,479 --> 00:22:22,079
How many times do I have to tell you
I'm not gay?!
431
00:22:22,119 --> 00:22:24,479
Oh, the lady doth protest too much.
432
00:22:24,519 --> 00:22:26,679
I'm not gay.
I just don't like football.
433
00:22:26,719 --> 00:22:29,119
Last week, when we went to Idols,
you ended up on stage
434
00:22:29,159 --> 00:22:31,119
singing Over the Rainbow
in a feather boa.
435
00:22:31,159 --> 00:22:33,999
And then on the last note
you went into full splits.
436
00:22:34,039 --> 00:22:36,279
Karaoke's not gay. All right then.
437
00:22:36,319 --> 00:22:39,279
What is your all-time favourite
TV programme?
438
00:22:39,319 --> 00:22:41,999
Oh, Dynasty but only
cos I like the fashion.
439
00:22:42,039 --> 00:22:45,999
We all know fashion's not gay.
What's your favourite song?
440
00:22:46,039 --> 00:22:48,039
I'm not playing this game!
441
00:22:48,079 --> 00:22:49,879
Oh, Liam love.
442
00:22:49,919 --> 00:22:51,759
I'm just thinking about you.
443
00:22:51,799 --> 00:22:54,279
In ten years' time
when you're happily married.
444
00:22:54,319 --> 00:22:56,839
I don't want to see you sloping off
down to the Old Town,
445
00:22:56,879 --> 00:22:59,599
and queuing up for the noshing
bench in some dingy gay bar
446
00:22:59,639 --> 00:23:01,919
when you should be
putting your kids to bed.
447
00:23:01,959 --> 00:23:04,759
You should learn to accept people
for who they are.
448
00:23:07,599 --> 00:23:10,639
Just because I don't fit into your
stereotype of how a man should be
449
00:23:10,679 --> 00:23:13,199
doesn't give you permission
to call me names.
450
00:23:15,919 --> 00:23:18,839
I am what I am.
And what I am needs no excuses!
451
00:23:21,239 --> 00:23:22,959
That wasn't gay at all.
452
00:23:28,724 --> 00:23:32,844
So, if you're only here
for the weekend what are your plans?
453
00:23:33,076 --> 00:23:35,756
Well, drinking mainly, obviously.
454
00:23:35,796 --> 00:23:39,436
And of course checking out
the infamous Benidorm nightlife.
455
00:23:39,476 --> 00:23:41,596
Jonty wants to see Sticky Vicky.
456
00:23:41,636 --> 00:23:42,636
Ow!
457
00:23:45,356 --> 00:23:47,436
What is wrong with you guys?
458
00:23:47,476 --> 00:23:49,796
Look, I've seen
the Great Wall of China,
459
00:23:49,836 --> 00:23:53,516
the Pyramids of Giza,
I've flown over the Grand Canyon,
460
00:23:53,556 --> 00:23:55,436
I swam through
the Great Barrier Reef.
461
00:23:55,476 --> 00:23:57,516
But there gets to a point
in every man's life
462
00:23:57,556 --> 00:24:00,276
when he just has to see
a 70-year-old stripper
463
00:24:00,316 --> 00:24:03,476
pulling the flags of all nations
out of her front bottom.
464
00:24:05,236 --> 00:24:07,996
Oh, we're very good friends
with Vicky.
465
00:24:08,036 --> 00:24:11,356
Really? Is all the stuff Martin's
been telling me true?
466
00:24:11,396 --> 00:24:16,396
Absolutely. But those Benidorm pubs
can get quite rowdy,
467
00:24:16,436 --> 00:24:19,276
I would have thought men of your
breeding would prefer a...
468
00:24:19,316 --> 00:24:23,436
..private performance?
469
00:24:23,476 --> 00:24:25,436
She does private gigs? Oh, my God.
470
00:24:25,476 --> 00:24:27,436
This just gets more hilarious.
471
00:24:27,476 --> 00:24:30,356
Well, no. But everyone has a price.
472
00:24:30,396 --> 00:24:34,316
With the right budget
I'm sure we could arrange something.
473
00:24:34,356 --> 00:24:37,036
Couldn't we, Jacqueline? Oh, yes.
474
00:24:45,836 --> 00:24:47,516
What you doing in here?
475
00:24:47,556 --> 00:24:50,796
I could ask you the same question.
476
00:24:50,836 --> 00:24:53,116
I just needed some space.
477
00:24:53,156 --> 00:24:55,276
What can I get you, son?
Well, it's a bit early
478
00:24:55,316 --> 00:24:58,316
but I'll have a Campari and...
479
00:24:58,356 --> 00:25:00,196
..a lager.
480
00:25:00,236 --> 00:25:02,276
I'll have a pint of lager.
481
00:25:02,316 --> 00:25:04,996
Since when did you
start drinking lager?
482
00:25:05,036 --> 00:25:07,036
Since now.
483
00:25:07,076 --> 00:25:09,596
Aren't you supposed
to be working downstairs?
484
00:25:09,636 --> 00:25:13,116
I've been told I have to wait
hand and foot on that stag party.
485
00:25:13,156 --> 00:25:16,676
But there's no way. Hey, don't get
me wrong, I love my job.
486
00:25:16,716 --> 00:25:20,596
But I'm not skivvying around
after a load of posh knobs.
487
00:25:20,636 --> 00:25:22,836
I've got some pride.
488
00:25:22,876 --> 00:25:24,876
There you go young 'un.
489
00:25:28,396 --> 00:25:32,596
Dad... erm. Do you ever worry
490
00:25:32,636 --> 00:25:35,556
about what people think about you?
491
00:25:35,596 --> 00:25:38,396
Come on, son. Take a look at me.
492
00:25:38,436 --> 00:25:40,156
What do you think?
493
00:25:40,196 --> 00:25:43,516
I just... sometimes worry
I don't really fit in.
494
00:25:43,556 --> 00:25:47,916
Where exactly is it
you want to fit in? Good point.
495
00:25:47,956 --> 00:25:49,996
Can you remember
what I used to tell you to do
496
00:25:50,036 --> 00:25:52,916
when the kids at school
called you ginger nuts.
497
00:25:52,956 --> 00:25:56,516
Oh, yeah. You said erm,
"Stamp on the bridge of their nose
498
00:25:56,556 --> 00:25:58,716
until they choke
on their own blood".
499
00:25:58,756 --> 00:26:01,676
I think you'll find it was your
mother who said that.
500
00:26:01,716 --> 00:26:05,116
Oh, yeah. I said, "Rise above it.
501
00:26:05,156 --> 00:26:09,756
They're just jealous, because they
wish they stood out from the crowd".
502
00:26:09,796 --> 00:26:14,076
Can you imagine how boring the world
would be if we were all the same?
503
00:26:14,116 --> 00:26:16,596
Yeah, I know all that. I just...
504
00:26:16,636 --> 00:26:20,076
I sometimes think, the way that I am
505
00:26:20,116 --> 00:26:23,116
is preventing me
from meeting the right girl.
506
00:26:23,996 --> 00:26:25,956
Or any girl.
507
00:26:25,996 --> 00:26:29,316
You don't need to change
who you are for anyone.
508
00:26:29,356 --> 00:26:31,676
The right girl is out there
somewhere young 'un,
509
00:26:31,716 --> 00:26:34,156
and it won't be long
till she finds you.
510
00:26:34,196 --> 00:26:36,276
And you know why? Why?
511
00:26:36,316 --> 00:26:39,796
Because your star shines brighter
than anyone else's.
512
00:26:42,076 --> 00:26:44,076
Thanks, Dad.
513
00:26:46,076 --> 00:26:49,396
Liam, do you want this pint?
514
00:26:49,436 --> 00:26:52,116
No thanks, Dad. I'm all right.
515
00:27:06,836 --> 00:27:09,836
Where did your Dad
put the tanning pills?
516
00:27:09,876 --> 00:27:12,756
I don't think they're here.
I think they've been chucked away.
517
00:27:12,796 --> 00:27:15,476
They must be in your Gran's room.
Have you got a key?
518
00:27:15,516 --> 00:27:18,036
Can't we just get
some headache tablets and sell them?
519
00:27:18,076 --> 00:27:20,116
Headache tablets cost money, Mikey.
520
00:27:20,156 --> 00:27:23,676
As my old man says,
it's all about profit margins.
521
00:27:23,716 --> 00:27:26,156
Oh, don't go in there
that's my Mum and Dad's bedroom.
522
00:27:26,196 --> 00:27:27,876
You worried about what I might find?
523
00:27:29,036 --> 00:27:32,516
Hello, hello. What have we here?
524
00:27:32,556 --> 00:27:34,476
It's payday, Mikey boy.
525
00:27:34,516 --> 00:27:37,276
You little beauties.
526
00:27:37,316 --> 00:27:40,236
Put 'em back, put 'em back!
527
00:27:40,276 --> 00:27:42,116
There is no problem.
There is a problem.
528
00:27:42,156 --> 00:27:45,436
Cos I don't want to have to fanny
about like that every time I want a sh...
529
00:27:45,476 --> 00:27:47,876
All right, son. What you doing?
530
00:27:47,916 --> 00:27:50,716
I was just showing Tiger
round the apartment.
531
00:27:50,756 --> 00:27:52,756
Lovely place you got here, Mr G.
532
00:27:52,796 --> 00:27:55,116
Well, better than the
crappy rooms we're in.
533
00:27:55,156 --> 00:27:57,116
Yeah, well. We're regulars.
534
00:27:57,156 --> 00:27:58,956
Michael, why didn't you
open the door?
535
00:27:58,996 --> 00:28:01,756
You could hear us trying to get in.
I didn't know it was you.
536
00:28:01,796 --> 00:28:05,636
I'll get you another key.
Yeah, four of 'em.
537
00:28:05,676 --> 00:28:08,796
Right, I think we'll get out
in the sun.
538
00:28:08,836 --> 00:28:11,356
All right. See you later.
539
00:28:11,396 --> 00:28:15,396
Catch you later, Mr G.
540
00:28:15,436 --> 00:28:17,436
Enjoy your sh... ower.
541
00:28:31,956 --> 00:28:34,876
Listen, Clive. I just wanted to say,
about last night.
542
00:28:34,916 --> 00:28:38,156
You know, it's been a stressful
few days for all of us,
543
00:28:38,196 --> 00:28:44,876
and I think it's probably
best all round if we just...
544
00:28:44,916 --> 00:28:47,436
What I mean is. You know,
we're all here on holiday
545
00:28:47,476 --> 00:28:52,036
supposed to be enjoying ourselves.
So, what is the point of...
546
00:28:52,076 --> 00:28:57,236
You know, what is the point of...
547
00:28:57,276 --> 00:28:59,516
Forgot what I was gonna say now.
548
00:28:59,556 --> 00:29:01,356
Beer?
549
00:29:01,396 --> 00:29:02,756
Absolutely.
550
00:29:02,796 --> 00:29:05,596
Another one of them, pal?
Two more, please.
551
00:29:05,636 --> 00:29:07,636
Coming right up.
552
00:29:23,196 --> 00:29:25,156
Hello, can I help you?
553
00:29:25,196 --> 00:29:28,196
Are you part of the stag party?
No, I always dress like this.
554
00:29:28,236 --> 00:29:30,596
Oh, right.
OK, I'll knock on the door.
555
00:29:30,636 --> 00:29:33,596
I'm pretty sure the guy in here
is the one who's getting married -
556
00:29:33,636 --> 00:29:36,636
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Yes, I'm part of the stag party.
557
00:29:36,676 --> 00:29:39,676
Can I help you?
You said you weren't.
558
00:29:39,716 --> 00:29:41,396
It was a joke.
559
00:29:41,436 --> 00:29:43,116
How can I help you?
560
00:29:43,156 --> 00:29:46,436
We were wondering if you're
in the market for some shit?
561
00:29:46,476 --> 00:29:48,636
Some shit? Yeah.
562
00:29:48,676 --> 00:29:50,956
What do you mean?
Like for the garden?
563
00:29:50,996 --> 00:29:54,196
A garden? Yes, like manure.
564
00:29:54,236 --> 00:29:56,596
Manure? What's that?
565
00:29:56,636 --> 00:29:57,636
French?
566
00:29:57,676 --> 00:30:01,956
Manure? No, it comes out of a
horse's bottom.
567
00:30:01,996 --> 00:30:04,156
Look, man. We got most things.
568
00:30:04,196 --> 00:30:06,756
We got leapers, moggies,
snappers, dust, dollies,
569
00:30:06,796 --> 00:30:08,476
eggs, jellies, dings, and turkeys.
570
00:30:08,516 --> 00:30:10,196
Just let us know what you want,
571
00:30:10,236 --> 00:30:13,756
and if you've got the lettuce
we got the candy.
572
00:30:13,796 --> 00:30:16,276
But we ain't got no manure.
573
00:30:16,316 --> 00:30:20,556
Wayhey! It's Pimp Diddy Martin!
574
00:30:20,596 --> 00:30:22,356
I see you've brought your bitches.
575
00:30:22,396 --> 00:30:24,796
They aren't my bitches.
I think it's bob-a-job week.
576
00:30:24,836 --> 00:30:27,676
Are you ready? Everybody's
downstairs waiting - Drugs!
577
00:30:27,716 --> 00:30:29,876
He wants to know
if you want to buy some drugs.
578
00:30:29,916 --> 00:30:32,396
Mikey! For God's sake, man.
579
00:30:32,436 --> 00:30:34,396
Walls have ears. Drugs?
580
00:30:34,436 --> 00:30:36,196
You're selling drugs?
581
00:30:36,236 --> 00:30:39,116
How old are you, 12? I'm 16.
582
00:30:39,156 --> 00:30:40,996
And you! You should know better.
583
00:30:41,036 --> 00:30:44,716
Your father found out you were doing
this he'd ruddy well skin you alive.
584
00:30:44,756 --> 00:30:47,676
So, is that a no then?
Course it's a no!
585
00:30:47,716 --> 00:30:50,756
Do we look like the kind of people
who take drugs?
586
00:30:50,796 --> 00:30:53,356
Yeah. Yeah, you do.
587
00:30:53,396 --> 00:30:55,916
Martin, go downstairs
get the shots lined up.
588
00:30:55,956 --> 00:30:58,476
I'll be down in ten. Come in, boys.
589
00:30:58,516 --> 00:31:01,436
Oh, my God. I didn't see this.
590
00:31:01,476 --> 00:31:03,476
Wow. He's blind as well as stupid -
591
00:31:03,516 --> 00:31:06,156
Now, come on, boys.
Don't be like that.
592
00:31:15,116 --> 00:31:17,476
I mean. They're not bad kids.
593
00:31:17,876 --> 00:31:20,476
No. They're not, they're not.
594
00:31:20,516 --> 00:31:22,476
They're good kids.
595
00:31:22,516 --> 00:31:27,196
But what we gotta remember
is that we were teenagers.
596
00:31:27,236 --> 00:31:30,116
But we weren't teenagers
in this day and age.
597
00:31:30,156 --> 00:31:31,836
We didn't have the internet.
598
00:31:31,876 --> 00:31:35,356
Didn't have the internet,
didn't have computer games.
599
00:31:35,396 --> 00:31:37,956
Television!
You didn't have television?
600
00:31:37,996 --> 00:31:42,076
How old are you? We didn't have the
hundreds of channels they got now.
601
00:31:42,116 --> 00:31:45,236
Three channels we had. Aye,
and still twice as much to watch
602
00:31:45,276 --> 00:31:47,916
than the shite they've got
on 300 channels now.
603
00:31:47,956 --> 00:31:49,956
Hear, hear.
604
00:31:53,556 --> 00:31:57,756
So, what line of business
are you in then?
605
00:31:57,796 --> 00:32:01,156
I was in the tanning stroke sun-bed
trade. But, well...
606
00:32:01,196 --> 00:32:04,956
bottom fell out of it, really.
607
00:32:04,996 --> 00:32:07,836
How about you? I'm in construction.
608
00:32:07,876 --> 00:32:10,476
The bottom hasn't fallen out
of that. I'm sure.
609
00:32:10,516 --> 00:32:12,636
It's had a complete prolapse.
610
00:32:12,676 --> 00:32:15,636
Seriously?
I'm trying to ride it out.
611
00:32:15,676 --> 00:32:19,876
Between you and me.
Things ain't looking good.
612
00:32:19,916 --> 00:32:22,276
Still, you managed
to come on holiday.
613
00:32:22,316 --> 00:32:25,316
How bad can things be?
614
00:32:25,356 --> 00:32:27,356
Yeah.
615
00:32:36,356 --> 00:32:38,076
Ole!
616
00:32:38,116 --> 00:32:41,876
What's going on here then? I'm
taking the boys out on a stag night.
617
00:32:41,916 --> 00:32:44,796
Don't worry, we'll be out
of your hair momentarily.
618
00:32:44,836 --> 00:32:47,276
I don't suppose you've got room
for one more, have you?
619
00:32:47,316 --> 00:32:51,436
I'm sorry, Lesley.
It's a stag night. No women allowed.
620
00:32:51,476 --> 00:32:54,236
No, I don't mean for me.
I mean for our Liam.
621
00:32:54,516 --> 00:32:56,196
Needs to broaden his horizons.
622
00:32:56,236 --> 00:32:59,036
I think a night out with the lads
will do him the world of good.
623
00:32:59,076 --> 00:33:01,436
Absolutely. The more the merrier.
624
00:33:01,476 --> 00:33:03,516
So, you're doing
the full stag tour then?
625
00:33:03,556 --> 00:33:07,756
The Shamrock, Loch Ness,
Jokers, The Red Dog.
626
00:33:07,796 --> 00:33:11,636
With the added bonus
of a once in a lifetime live show.
627
00:33:11,676 --> 00:33:13,356
Tacky Jacqui.
628
00:33:13,396 --> 00:33:16,676
The show you can afford to see,
but can't afford to miss!
629
00:33:16,716 --> 00:33:19,436
Tacky Jacqui? As in your Jacqueline?
630
00:33:19,476 --> 00:33:22,436
Yes. We tried to book Sticky Vicky
but she's out of the country.
631
00:33:22,716 --> 00:33:26,276
And your missus
is gonna do the act instead? Yes.
632
00:33:26,316 --> 00:33:28,596
Do you know what time
your lad'll be coming down?
633
00:33:28,636 --> 00:33:32,076
Oh, it's all right. I think he'll
probably sit this one out.
634
00:33:32,116 --> 00:33:34,636
But you said he wanted
to broaden his horizons?
635
00:33:34,676 --> 00:33:37,596
No offence. But with your missus
doing Sticky Vicky's act
636
00:33:37,636 --> 00:33:40,756
there's a fine line between
having your horizons broadened
637
00:33:40,796 --> 00:33:42,796
and being scarred for life.
638
00:33:44,756 --> 00:33:48,916
Ladies and gentlemen.
I give you Mr Jonty Carmichael.
639
00:33:50,996 --> 00:33:53,396
Single man, reveal yourself.
640
00:33:56,996 --> 00:33:59,196
OK, bitches.
Let's get this show on the road!
641
00:33:59,236 --> 00:34:01,596
Donald, let the toad see the hole.
642
00:34:08,356 --> 00:34:10,356
Onward!
643
00:34:14,796 --> 00:34:17,436
I'll probably be back
before the end of the shift anyway,
644
00:34:17,476 --> 00:34:19,556
but any problems
just call my mobile.
645
00:34:19,596 --> 00:34:22,196
You have a good night. Hasta manana.
646
00:34:25,196 --> 00:34:27,476
OK, she has gone. You can go now.
647
00:34:27,516 --> 00:34:29,276
Oh, thanks, Mateo.
648
00:34:29,316 --> 00:34:32,716
You gonna manage without me?
Course. Where are you going?
649
00:34:32,756 --> 00:34:35,756
I'm taking off all this slap and
I'm going to be a father to my son.
650
00:34:36,236 --> 00:34:37,956
You are going to slap your son?
651
00:34:37,996 --> 00:34:39,716
I have felt this way many times.
652
00:34:39,756 --> 00:34:43,836
No, man. I'm taking
our Liam out for a pint.
653
00:34:43,876 --> 00:34:45,876
See you later. Bye bye.
654
00:34:53,076 --> 00:34:54,916
Er table for eight please.
655
00:34:54,956 --> 00:34:57,476
Eight? You have made friends
with people?
656
00:34:57,516 --> 00:35:00,716
Yeah, why? What's it got
to do with you? One moment.
657
00:35:00,756 --> 00:35:03,876
You've changed your tune.
Wanting to eat with that Clive.
658
00:35:03,916 --> 00:35:07,156
Last night you tried to kill him.
Oh, don't exaggerate.
659
00:35:07,196 --> 00:35:09,236
OK. Somebody will be back
to take your order.
660
00:35:09,276 --> 00:35:11,716
Thanks, love.
Hey. I tell you what, Madge.
661
00:35:11,756 --> 00:35:13,796
Why don't you go and sit
with your friends?
662
00:35:13,836 --> 00:35:16,356
I'm sure we can find
a single chair somewhere.
663
00:35:20,476 --> 00:35:23,596
She was in agony because she had
a crushing pain on her left nipple.
664
00:35:23,636 --> 00:35:25,836
So, we're all panicking.
Rung the ambulance up
665
00:35:25,876 --> 00:35:28,516
and we've all got round there
and it turns out...
666
00:35:28,556 --> 00:35:30,276
..she was stood on it.
667
00:35:30,316 --> 00:35:33,116
Come on, boys. In we go!
668
00:35:33,156 --> 00:35:35,036
One more for the road.
669
00:35:35,076 --> 00:35:37,276
Excuse me, fellas.
Have you lost your luggage?
670
00:35:38,436 --> 00:35:40,156
Oh, it's Donald.
How are you, Donald?
671
00:35:40,196 --> 00:35:44,796
Wahey. Bloody hell, can't believe
you're still above ground.
672
00:35:44,836 --> 00:35:47,756
You've put a bit of beef on, Donald.
Have you eaten my air bed?
673
00:35:47,796 --> 00:35:49,636
Yes, yes. Very good.
674
00:35:49,676 --> 00:35:52,796
Step away from the comedian boys.
675
00:35:52,836 --> 00:35:55,476
By the way she died
after Christmas dinner.
676
00:35:55,516 --> 00:35:59,356
I once got button holed
by Larry Grayson in the late 70's,
677
00:35:59,396 --> 00:36:01,476
these things can get quite messy.
678
00:36:01,516 --> 00:36:04,476
Guess how she died?
Heart attack playing charades.
679
00:36:12,916 --> 00:36:14,916
There you go, son.
680
00:36:16,996 --> 00:36:19,276
What you drinking?
681
00:36:19,316 --> 00:36:21,236
Drop of Guiness. Did you want one?
682
00:36:21,276 --> 00:36:23,276
No, thanks.
683
00:36:26,436 --> 00:36:28,516
Why you drinking that?
684
00:36:28,556 --> 00:36:31,596
I don't know.
Change is as good as a rest.
685
00:36:31,636 --> 00:36:34,996
Puts hairs on your chest. Ha-ha.
686
00:36:35,036 --> 00:36:37,836
Hey, I thought I might go
down the Red Dog later.
687
00:36:37,876 --> 00:36:39,636
Why do you want
to go down the Red Dog?
688
00:36:39,676 --> 00:36:43,036
Well, you know? Have a few drinks.
689
00:36:43,076 --> 00:36:45,116
Maybe chat up a few lasses.
690
00:36:45,156 --> 00:36:47,556
Why would you want to do that.
Cos I'm out with my son.
691
00:36:47,596 --> 00:36:49,516
I'm just being a father.
692
00:36:49,556 --> 00:36:51,556
Dad, what's going on?
693
00:36:51,596 --> 00:36:54,636
After all you said to me, why are
you trying to be something you're not?
694
00:36:54,676 --> 00:36:57,356
What are you talking about?
Of course I'm your father. No.
695
00:36:57,396 --> 00:37:00,796
I don't mean that. I mean sitting
in a noisy, smelly sports bar.
696
00:37:00,836 --> 00:37:03,636
Watching two men knock seven bags
of shite out of each other.
697
00:37:03,676 --> 00:37:05,676
Wearing beige and drinking Guiness.
698
00:37:05,716 --> 00:37:08,276
Why would you want a drink
that puts hairs on your chest?
699
00:37:08,316 --> 00:37:10,316
You're a transvestite.
700
00:37:10,356 --> 00:37:13,316
Well, I'm just trying to help you
find a nice girl, son.
701
00:37:13,356 --> 00:37:16,076
But I thought
I'm not exactly helping.
702
00:37:16,116 --> 00:37:18,276
Taking you to drag bars
in the old town.
703
00:37:18,316 --> 00:37:21,556
I will find a nice girl, Dad.
But in my own time.
704
00:37:21,596 --> 00:37:25,596
And I'll find her
because she likes me for who I am.
705
00:37:25,636 --> 00:37:30,236
Wise words.
They should be. They're yours.
706
00:37:30,276 --> 00:37:33,436
So, if I'm gonna be myself.
I want you to be yourself too.
707
00:37:33,476 --> 00:37:36,116
Fair enough?
Aye, fair enough. Ha-ha.
708
00:37:36,156 --> 00:37:38,596
Mwah. Right, let's get you
back down the Solana
709
00:37:38,636 --> 00:37:40,516
and into something
a bit more glamorous.
710
00:37:40,556 --> 00:37:43,396
Honestly, you are really
embarrassing me dressed like that.
711
00:37:43,436 --> 00:37:45,116
Thank God you said that.
712
00:37:45,156 --> 00:37:47,876
My feet have been killing us
walking in these flat shoes.
713
00:38:01,004 --> 00:38:03,524
So, how have you been keeping,
Martin?
714
00:38:03,564 --> 00:38:05,244
Not bad, thanks.
715
00:38:05,284 --> 00:38:07,364
Keeping my head above water.
Yourself?
716
00:38:07,404 --> 00:38:10,844
Oh, you know me.
I have my fingers in many pies.
717
00:38:10,884 --> 00:38:14,444
Yes, actually I'm writing
my memoirs at the moment.
718
00:38:14,484 --> 00:38:16,284
Really? How fascinating.
719
00:38:16,324 --> 00:38:21,324
Yes, well. Since we last met
I was arrested on a charge of fraud
720
00:38:21,364 --> 00:38:23,684
as the result
of faking my own death.
721
00:38:24,004 --> 00:38:25,964
Good Lord. Oh, yes.
722
00:38:26,004 --> 00:38:28,524
The book is based
on the diaries I kept
723
00:38:28,564 --> 00:38:31,084
during my six months in prison.
724
00:38:31,124 --> 00:38:36,804
It's not so much a memoir,
more of a "kiss-and-tell".
725
00:38:36,844 --> 00:38:38,884
Here you go, boys.
726
00:38:38,924 --> 00:38:41,644
Time to step it up a gear.
727
00:38:41,684 --> 00:38:44,084
These aren't from those kids
at the Solana are they?
728
00:38:44,124 --> 00:38:47,644
Oh. Do be quiet, Martin. Donald?
Not for me thanks.
729
00:38:47,684 --> 00:38:50,364
My wife and I went through
our recreational drug phase
730
00:38:50,404 --> 00:38:52,084
many years ago.
731
00:38:52,124 --> 00:38:56,084
Jacqueline once spent four days
on magic mushrooms
732
00:38:56,124 --> 00:38:58,404
thinking she was a barn owl.
733
00:38:58,444 --> 00:39:00,444
Took myself and the Fire Brigade
six hours
734
00:39:00,484 --> 00:39:02,684
to coax her down
out of next door's tree.
735
00:39:02,724 --> 00:39:05,084
Amazing! That was the easy bit.
736
00:39:05,124 --> 00:39:08,564
Apologising to the neighbours
for her defecating heavily
737
00:39:08,604 --> 00:39:11,684
on their Ford Cortina
was the sticky end of the wicket.
738
00:39:11,724 --> 00:39:13,564
Ha ha!
739
00:39:13,604 --> 00:39:15,164
Psst!
740
00:39:15,204 --> 00:39:16,884
Oh, speak of the devil.
741
00:39:16,924 --> 00:39:20,764
I think someone might need
a bit of help loading her props,
742
00:39:20,804 --> 00:39:23,364
if you know what I mean?
Back in a short while.
743
00:39:27,244 --> 00:39:29,524
Having fun, Jonty?
744
00:39:29,564 --> 00:39:32,484
Kidding, aren't you?
I'm having an amazing time.
745
00:39:32,524 --> 00:39:34,964
Here - get another one
of these down your neck.
746
00:39:40,124 --> 00:39:42,844
When you asked me
to organise your stag party.
747
00:39:42,884 --> 00:39:46,564
Well, I chose Benidorm
as a bit of a joke, but...
748
00:39:46,604 --> 00:39:49,684
I think the joke
may have backfired.
749
00:39:49,724 --> 00:39:52,404
I mean, I'm not being vulgar,
but you've got so much money.
750
00:39:52,444 --> 00:39:54,884
We could've gone anywhere
in the world. And, well -
751
00:39:54,924 --> 00:39:57,804
I've BEEN everywhere in the world.
This place is incredible.
752
00:39:57,844 --> 00:40:02,044
In three bars we've seen Elvis,
Amy Winehouse and Michael Jackson.
753
00:40:02,084 --> 00:40:05,804
It's like an amazing,
alcohol-fuelled singing graveyard.
754
00:40:05,844 --> 00:40:07,524
I'm sure the Benidorm Tourist Board
755
00:40:07,564 --> 00:40:09,284
will be begging you
to use that quote.
756
00:40:09,324 --> 00:40:12,124
And now Sticky Vicky,
all in the same night!
757
00:40:12,164 --> 00:40:13,844
No, you did the right thing, amigo.
758
00:40:13,884 --> 00:40:16,444
They don't call you
the Best Man for nothing.
759
00:40:16,484 --> 00:40:18,644
Did Donald not tell you
about Sticky Vicky?
760
00:40:18,684 --> 00:40:21,804
What? She's on holiday.
He's getting his wife to do the act.
761
00:40:21,844 --> 00:40:23,844
Tacky Jacqui.
762
00:40:25,684 --> 00:40:28,804
Listen, pal.
You know I've always had a penchant
763
00:40:28,844 --> 00:40:33,644
for the more mature woman.
Sticky Vicky, Tacky Jacqui,
764
00:40:33,684 --> 00:40:35,404
as long as I get to see
a sexy pensioner
765
00:40:35,444 --> 00:40:38,004
pulling the flags of all nations
from her Auntie Mary,
766
00:40:38,044 --> 00:40:40,044
I'm gonna sleep a happy boy tonight.
767
00:40:51,084 --> 00:40:53,084
What do you mean you can't do it?
768
00:40:53,124 --> 00:40:57,004
I've tried.
But I think it's stage fright.
769
00:40:57,044 --> 00:40:59,524
Everything's seized up.
770
00:40:59,564 --> 00:41:01,364
Are you sure? Positive.
771
00:41:01,404 --> 00:41:04,524
I'll be lucky
if I can get a Rizla paper up there.
772
00:41:04,564 --> 00:41:06,284
What are we gonna do?
773
00:41:06,324 --> 00:41:08,804
Remember the first rule
of show business?
774
00:41:08,844 --> 00:41:11,164
The show must go on. No.
775
00:41:11,204 --> 00:41:14,204
Never give them their money back.
776
00:41:14,244 --> 00:41:17,004
I have had an idea. Yes?
777
00:41:17,044 --> 00:41:18,964
There's an old trick I remember
778
00:41:19,004 --> 00:41:22,284
from when my mother
was a magician's assistant.
779
00:41:22,324 --> 00:41:28,524
It could work but you'll have
to give me a hand, so to speak.
780
00:41:30,844 --> 00:41:33,084
♪ Whether I'm right
781
00:41:33,124 --> 00:41:37,684
♪ Or whether I'm wrong
782
00:41:37,724 --> 00:41:44,844
♪ Whether I find a place
in this world or never belong
783
00:41:44,884 --> 00:41:48,764
♪ I gotta be me
784
00:41:48,804 --> 00:41:52,804
♪ I gotta be me
785
00:41:52,844 --> 00:41:59,324
♪ What else can I be but what I am?
786
00:41:59,364 --> 00:42:03,604
♪ I wanna live... ♪
787
00:42:03,644 --> 00:42:06,724
Well, I must say
this is very pleasant.
788
00:42:06,764 --> 00:42:08,964
What, the food?
789
00:42:09,004 --> 00:42:12,044
No, making friends on holiday.
790
00:42:12,084 --> 00:42:14,404
Where's Burke and Hare gone?
791
00:42:14,444 --> 00:42:17,804
Who? Michael! And the other one.
792
00:42:17,844 --> 00:42:21,204
I gave Michael and Tiger ten Euros
each to spend on the machines.
793
00:42:21,244 --> 00:42:22,924
That was very good of you.
794
00:42:22,964 --> 00:42:26,204
Ten Euros each!
Are you right in the head?
795
00:42:26,244 --> 00:42:28,284
That's the last you'll see
of them tonight.
796
00:42:28,324 --> 00:42:31,844
They'll be high as a kite,
sniffing glue 'round the bins.
797
00:42:31,884 --> 00:42:34,404
Excuse me,
Tiger does not sniff glue.
798
00:42:34,444 --> 00:42:36,124
All right, calm down.
799
00:42:36,164 --> 00:42:38,204
When did you
start defending your brother?
800
00:42:38,244 --> 00:42:40,244
When she started to disrespect him.
801
00:42:40,284 --> 00:42:43,044
Respect! Ha, that's a joke.
802
00:42:43,084 --> 00:42:45,724
What do you know about respect?
803
00:42:45,764 --> 00:42:49,364
Trotting round the pool with
your tits out in your high heels.
804
00:42:49,404 --> 00:42:52,044
Look. I think it's probably best
if you don't judge my son
805
00:42:52,084 --> 00:42:55,404
or my daughter by your own very
low standards, Madge.
806
00:42:55,444 --> 00:42:58,844
And who do you think you're talking
to, you piss-faced old cow?!
807
00:42:58,884 --> 00:43:02,604
Do you know, I felt sorry for you
when we first met.
808
00:43:02,644 --> 00:43:05,444
Married to him with a face
like a ruptured arse.
809
00:43:05,484 --> 00:43:09,404
But it's him that deserves the
sympathy for putting up with you.
810
00:43:11,884 --> 00:43:14,564
More drinks?
Yes, and we'll have 'em over there.
811
00:43:14,604 --> 00:43:16,364
Come on. That's right.
812
00:43:16,404 --> 00:43:19,724
Piss off! Sit with your own kind.
813
00:43:19,764 --> 00:43:23,164
Animals, the lot of you.
814
00:43:23,204 --> 00:43:25,564
That's it.
815
00:43:25,604 --> 00:43:27,724
Much more room.
816
00:43:27,764 --> 00:43:31,164
♪ Gotta be me
817
00:43:31,204 --> 00:43:34,444
♪ I'll go it alone ♪
818
00:44:02,004 --> 00:44:04,724
My, God. She'd be amazing
to go shoplifting with.
819
00:44:09,604 --> 00:44:11,604
I need a big finish, Donald.
820
00:44:11,644 --> 00:44:15,844
Can you hear me? The big finish.
821
00:44:15,884 --> 00:44:17,604
Hang on!
822
00:44:18,804 --> 00:44:22,604
I've never seen anything
like this in my entire life.
823
00:44:22,644 --> 00:44:25,484
Well, I must say,
I've seen the real Sticky Vicky
824
00:44:25,524 --> 00:44:29,124
and this comes pretty... Oh, my God!
825
00:44:55,764 --> 00:44:57,644
Hey. Taxis outside are for you?
826
00:44:57,684 --> 00:44:59,884
Oh, yeah. Thanks, mate.
These are our door keys.
827
00:44:59,924 --> 00:45:01,604
There might be some missing.
828
00:45:01,644 --> 00:45:04,164
I think one or two of them
slept in the hallways.
829
00:45:04,204 --> 00:45:06,404
We had quite a heavy night
last night.
830
00:45:06,884 --> 00:45:09,724
And you forgot to take off
your fancy dress make-up?
831
00:45:09,764 --> 00:45:13,844
No, we got sold some dodgy pills.
832
00:45:13,884 --> 00:45:16,444
We had a pretty wild time.
But they erm...
833
00:45:16,484 --> 00:45:20,844
Well, they turned us orange.
I can see this.
834
00:45:20,884 --> 00:45:23,404
Oh, and there's also
quite a lot of damage in the rooms,
835
00:45:23,444 --> 00:45:25,524
but just bill it to my card, OK?
836
00:45:25,564 --> 00:45:27,284
What card?
837
00:45:27,324 --> 00:45:29,044
Hey! Hey, where are you going?
838
00:45:29,084 --> 00:45:32,284
You cannot leave. You have to pay
for your damage. Ostia!
839
00:45:32,324 --> 00:45:36,484
Miss Temple-Savage!
Miss Temple-Savage!
840
00:45:36,524 --> 00:45:40,004
Miss Temple Savage.
There are guests trying to leave
841
00:45:40,044 --> 00:45:41,924
but they have destroyed their rooms.
842
00:45:41,964 --> 00:45:44,844
Miss Temple-Savage?
Where are my glasses?
843
00:45:44,884 --> 00:45:47,604
I'm sorry. I had a bit
of a late night last night.
844
00:45:52,684 --> 00:45:53,804
What?
845
00:45:53,829 --> 00:46:27,120
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