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Good morning!
Morning.
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Good morning. You're both up very
early.
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Oh, yes. Jacqueline and I are both
early risers, aren't we?
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You certainly are!
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Mm-hm!
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What you do in the privacy of your
own room...
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Oh, we're expecting quite a large
package today.
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As I say, what you do
in the privacy -
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Oh. I'm sorry.
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You mean a delivery?
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00:00:48,781 --> 00:00:51,621
Yes. Do you know if it's arrived?
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Sorry, I'm not working today.
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You'll have to ask one of my
extremely efficient members of staff.
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Don't worry, I'll ask this one.
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We're expecting a rather large
package.
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I wonder if you could keep an eye
open?
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Oh, I always do. It's Mr and Mrs
Stewart, isn't it?
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It is. Nee bother, I'll let you know
when it's here.
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We think it's gonna be
an absolute whopper.
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So we may need a hand with it,
if you know what I mean?
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Leave it to me.
Many thanks.
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Is it just me or does everything
those two say
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sound like absolute filth?
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Your car should be here
in 15 minutes,
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Mrs Temple-Savage.
Thank you, Les.
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Now you're sure you're going to cope
without me?
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Being the manager of this place,
even for three days,
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is quite a responsibility, you know.
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Manageress, you mean.
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I just have to pick up my best wig
from Blow And Go,
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do my make-up, and people won't
realise it's not you.
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How lovely that -
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I beg your pardon?
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I mean, the level of service
and that.
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Oh, right.
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Now don't forget, I've been told by
head office
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to start looking for
an assistant manager.
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Now is the time to impress.
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Assistant manager?
Go on, get your skates on.
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00:02:03,981 --> 00:02:05,981
Right. Erm...
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I was thinking about probably not
using the roller skates,
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to be honest. It's quite difficult
to give someone a ticking off
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when you're falling arse over tit.
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No, I meant hurry up.
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Oh, right! Yes, right, on my way.
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And Mrs Temple-Savage, I don't know
where you're going
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on your little break,
but whoever he is,
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he's a very lucky man.
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You look stunning.
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Well... one occasionally tries to
make an effort.
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Sorry!
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Are you getting up or what?
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I just want another half hour.
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I'm on holiday, for God's sake.
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It just seems a complete waste of
time lying in bed
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when there's gorgeous sunshine out
there. Tonya -
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It's not as if this is the last word
in luxury in here.
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That bed could be used
as Medieval torture.
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Tonya - I realise you had a lot to
drink last night,
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but why you want to lie festering in
that pit any longer than you have to
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is a complete mystery -
Tonya!
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Turn out the light and close the
door on your way out.
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The bulb's gone.
Good.
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Shall I tell the front desk?
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Clive.
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Clive.
For God's sake!
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Will you leave me alone?
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Miss Temple-Savage, your taxi has
been waiting.
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Yes, I know.
I've had to change again
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thanks to Tweedle-Dum and
Tweedle-Dee out there.
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Who?
Never mind.
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Mrs Temple-Savage, do you know your
car's waiting for you?
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What on earth are you wearing?
I had Kenneth refresh my best wig
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for Lesley, but I can't get into
Blow And Go till it's open.
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In the meantime, someone should try
and refresh that suit.
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Looks like something they gave my
father after the war.
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Oh, don't you worry.
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As soon as it's open, I'll be
looking a million dollars.
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All in loose change.
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Right, I'm off.
Have a wonderful time.
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Oh, don't forget, Les.
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This time next month, who knows?
You could be assistant manager.
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You really think so? This is your
chance to shine.
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And with great office comes great
responsibility.
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Here are the keys for the vending
machines.
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I don't know what to say.
Hasta luego.
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Er, any problems, call me.
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Just go.
Luego.
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I'm coming...
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Right, I want this reception area
tidied up.
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It's an absolute disgrace.
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There's nothing wrong with it.
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I want to be able to eat my dinner
off this counter.
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Why don't you just use a plate?
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Or are they also in Blow And Go?
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Now let's get one thing straight,
Mateo.
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You and me might be mates, but
there's a new boss in town.
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Yes. And he's being an arsehole.
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Les, what is wrong with you?
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Is wearing men's clothes
making you upset?
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Now let's get one thing clear.
While Joyce is away,
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what I say, goes. It's either my way
or the highway.
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What do you think you're doing? You
know there's no smoking inside.
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It's not lit.
Don't split hairs with me!
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How's that splitting hairs?
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Are you gonna have a go at him for
having 20 unlit cigs in his pocket?
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I assume that's a packet of 20 or
are you just pleased to see me?
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That's enough!
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Right, you get this whole reception
area cleaned,
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and you get that salon opened.
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Hang on a minute. Who's died and
left you a personality in their will?
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They also left him that suit.
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Shut up! While Joyce is away, I am
acting assistant manager.
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There's only one thing you're
acting, love.
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And that's a complete dickhead.
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Now kindly excuse me while I stroll
into Benidorm
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and enjoy my ciggie.
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Don't worry, I'll make sure I'm at least
the Poniente Beach before I spark up.
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What time are you gonna open this
salon? Shove it!
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"My way or the highway."
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I think he chose the highway.
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Where's my mam?
Gone to get your nana.
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Didn't get any asleep again last
night with her coughing.
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I'm sure she appreciates your
concern (!)
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You're not hanging about with your
mate today?
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Nah, he's not really my mate.
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You're joking? You've been stuck to
him like shit to a blanket
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since you got here.
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And what does that mean?
Doesn't mean anything.
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And watch that tone of voice
of yours.
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You might think you're a tough guy
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but your wrists still go all
the way up your arms.
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And you think that's a reason to pick
on me?
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Who's picking on you?
You.
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You're always picking on me.
Oh, Michael.
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Do us all a favour, go back to bed
and get up again
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when you've stopped behaving like a
dickhead.
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Sick to death of you talking to me
like I'm a little kid.
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Stop acting like one.
And if you think
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00:07:06,661 --> 00:07:09,221
I'm ever coming on holiday with you
again, you're wrong.
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Oh no, what am I gonna do with all
that spare money (?)
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Buy some clothes that suit your age?
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Morning. Fab t-shirt!
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Come on, Mam. Half the day's gone
already.
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You sleep all right?
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Not really.
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I know what you mean.
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If it gets any hotter, I'll have to
set my alarm to wring my knickers out.
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Is it the first today?
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Yeah. Pinch, punch,
the first of the month.
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First of August.
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Yeah. Are you ready?
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That cough's no better, is it?
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Oh God, Mother.
What is it you want?
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Water? Cough sweets?
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I don't know what it is you're
pointing at.
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Do you want me to get the doctor?
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Cigs. I want my cigs.
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Oh, that's better.
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Right. Let's get you outside.
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Bit of fresh air won't do you any
harm, either.
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Mother!
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Yeah... I'm on my way out.
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Urgh!
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00:09:12,882 --> 00:09:15,802
Excuse me. Erm, do you have another
table?
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00:09:18,562 --> 00:09:20,482
Table... non bien...
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Si. Come.
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Oh! Muchas gracias.
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Thank you.
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Oh, right.
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Thank you.
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00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:35,120
Er, no, there's a...
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Urgh...
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Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry.
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Hey!
What do you think you're doing?
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00:10:02,280 --> 00:10:04,680
It's your father -
I mean, your mother.
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Whatever he is, he told me to find
the key.
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00:10:06,720 --> 00:10:09,080
Liam! There you are, I've been
trying to phone you.
180
00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:11,280
I need my best wig for Lesley.
181
00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:13,680
It's gonna be so nice.
You're gonna look amazing.
182
00:10:13,720 --> 00:10:16,240
I need it now so I can get changed
and get on with my job.
183
00:10:16,280 --> 00:10:18,560
Oh, well, it won't be here till this
afternoon.
184
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:21,040
I sent it to Alicante to get it done
professionally.
185
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:23,080
You're supposed to be professionals.
186
00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:26,360
You said it was important. It's
important that I have that wig now!
187
00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:28,920
I can't believe... right!
188
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:31,880
I want all HODs in my office
in 15 minutes.
189
00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:34,000
What are HODs?
190
00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:35,320
You haven't got an office.
191
00:10:35,360 --> 00:10:36,520
Heads of department!
192
00:10:36,560 --> 00:10:40,120
In the manager's office. My office,
whilst Joyce is away.
193
00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:42,720
Oh, now it is "Joyce"?
194
00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:44,800
What happened to
"Miss Temple-Savage"?
195
00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:47,280
I'll have none of your lip
or you're for the high jump.
196
00:10:47,320 --> 00:10:49,440
My office, 15 minutes.
197
00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:53,040
Oh my God...
198
00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:55,560
When did my dad turn into Goebbels?
199
00:10:55,600 --> 00:10:59,200
His face does not look like a gerbil.
It's more like an angry pig.
200
00:11:03,960 --> 00:11:07,360
Can you make this quick? I've got
a corkscrew perm to relax at 1:00.
201
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,920
I was hoping to get a couple of
hours sun in before then.
202
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:12,760
Close your clapper. I'll be having
words with you at the end.
203
00:11:12,800 --> 00:11:14,640
Don't you threaten me
with a good time!
204
00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:17,400
Since my recent promotion
it has come to my notice
205
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:21,200
that everyone at The Solana needs to
up their game.
206
00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:22,840
You have not been promoted.
207
00:11:22,880 --> 00:11:25,120
You're just covering
for Miss Temple-Savage
208
00:11:25,160 --> 00:11:27,760
while she's on holiday. Exactly. And
you only got that
209
00:11:27,800 --> 00:11:30,800
cos you've been brown-nosing her so
much over the past fortnight.
210
00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:33,280
The end of your nose looks like a
Werther's Original.
211
00:11:33,320 --> 00:11:36,680
One more word out of you and I'll
cut off your electric.
212
00:11:36,720 --> 00:11:38,720
You wouldn't dare!
Try me.
213
00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:47,880
Right. Now we all understand each
other, let it be known -
214
00:11:47,920 --> 00:11:50,480
"Let it be known"? Who do you think
are? Jesus?
215
00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:54,320
Come on, out of all of them
I thought you'd be on my side.
216
00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:56,400
But I'm just saying -
Leave it, Liam.
217
00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,800
He's like a woman possessed.
Let it be known
218
00:11:58,840 --> 00:12:01,000
that I will be making
detailed inspections
219
00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:03,760
on all departments
as the day goes on.
220
00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:07,680
Starting with housekeeping,
moving onto bar areas,
221
00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:11,760
pool areas and The Solana's hair and
beauty salon Blow And Go.
222
00:12:11,800 --> 00:12:14,080
That's if I'm lucky enough to find
it open!
223
00:12:15,280 --> 00:12:17,480
Mr Les, please may I ask one
question?
224
00:12:17,520 --> 00:12:20,680
You may. We have had a call from a
Mr Norman Wisdom.
225
00:12:20,720 --> 00:12:23,360
Apparently he wants his suit back.
226
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:26,560
Oh my God! How do you know about
Norman Wisdom?
227
00:12:26,600 --> 00:12:28,840
I used to love all his movies when I
was a bambino.
228
00:12:28,880 --> 00:12:31,200
My favourite one -
All right, that's enough.
229
00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:33,600
Mr Castellanos, you're on a final
warning.
230
00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:35,320
Mr Du Beke, stay here.
231
00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:37,360
The rest of you, move it.
232
00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:48,240
I've got my eye on you.
233
00:12:48,280 --> 00:12:51,840
And I've got your £400 wig on its
way from Alicante.
234
00:12:51,880 --> 00:12:55,600
So just calm yourself down or I
might have to ring them couriers
235
00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:57,800
and get them to send it
on a little diversion.
236
00:12:57,840 --> 00:12:59,800
You wouldn't dare.
Try me.
237
00:12:59,840 --> 00:13:01,760
Don't mess with a queen, Les.
238
00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:04,120
You might just end up
with a royal shafting.
239
00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:22,560
How are you feeling now, Mam?
Better now you're in the sun.
240
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:25,720
Yeah.
241
00:13:25,760 --> 00:13:27,560
Much better.
242
00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:30,120
Where's our Michael?
He went off in a sulk.
243
00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:33,840
I bet your mother's got an opinion
about what caused that.
244
00:13:33,880 --> 00:13:36,680
I've not seen our Michael today.
I'm sure he'll be all right.
245
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:40,680
Any sign of your missing scooter,
Madge?
246
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:44,400
You had the perpetrators hunted down
and burnt at the stake yet?
247
00:13:44,440 --> 00:13:47,080
It'll only be kids messing. I'm sure
they'll bring it back
248
00:13:47,120 --> 00:13:49,120
when they're finished with it.
249
00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:51,440
Anybody want a drink?
I'm off to the bar.
250
00:13:51,480 --> 00:13:53,800
I'll get them, Mam.
No, don't worry.
251
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:56,480
It'll be nice to stretch my legs.
Back in a minute.
252
00:13:59,360 --> 00:14:02,280
It looks like Madge.
It sounds like Madge.
253
00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:05,160
It even smells like Madge, but...
254
00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:08,240
..what the hell's going on?
255
00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:10,280
I don't know.
256
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:31,680
Oh, Beverley. Should we go somewhere
else?
257
00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:33,760
We're sitting right next to -
Don't move.
258
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:35,800
Sit down.
259
00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:37,280
Is everything all right?
260
00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:40,720
Don't speak. Just stay exactly as you
are.
261
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:46,640
I've never seen the sunlight
dancing in someone's eyes
262
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:48,680
quite that way before.
263
00:14:48,720 --> 00:14:52,120
I think they're a bit glassy. Had
quite a late night last night.
264
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:53,920
Don't say a word.
265
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,960
What a fool I've been to wait this
long before meeting up again.
266
00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:59,560
Well, I know you're a busy -
Ssh.
267
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:02,560
No words. Just let me drink you in.
268
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:05,880
Such poise. Such elegance.
269
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,880
Such - What is that smell?
270
00:15:07,920 --> 00:15:09,720
That's what I've been trying to say.
271
00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:12,600
I think we should move away from
that bin.
272
00:15:12,640 --> 00:15:14,600
Beverley Westwood.
273
00:15:14,640 --> 00:15:16,640
Hello? Speak!
274
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:19,640
No. How many times have I told you?
275
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:21,840
The hotel offers no discounts
whatsoever.
276
00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:25,280
So what if they've been married 50
years.
277
00:15:25,320 --> 00:15:27,840
Stick an umbrella in their Ovaltine.
278
00:15:27,880 --> 00:15:30,840
I'm sorry, Joyce.
Where was I?
279
00:15:30,880 --> 00:15:34,120
Erm... something about
poise and elegance.
280
00:15:34,160 --> 00:15:37,640
Oh, yeah. Such poise. Such elegance.
281
00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:40,520
I knew when we first met -
282
00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:43,720
Oh for crying out loud.
Speak!
283
00:15:44,920 --> 00:15:47,080
No, she can't have tomorrow morning
off.
284
00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:49,880
I don't care if her father has died.
285
00:15:49,920 --> 00:15:51,920
If she calls in sick, fire her.
286
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:55,000
I'm sorry about that.
287
00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:58,560
Running a hotel can really get in the
way of one's social life.
288
00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:00,760
But I don't need to tell you that.
289
00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:02,840
Well, Beverley, is there anywhere -
290
00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:04,880
Can I ask you a question, Joyce?
291
00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:08,960
Yes. I know we've only been speaking
on the phone for a few days,
292
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:11,880
but I feel a real connection.
293
00:16:11,920 --> 00:16:14,240
Do you?
I do.
294
00:16:14,280 --> 00:16:18,680
And I was wondering if you'd like to
come over to my hotel?
295
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:22,200
Well, as I said on the phone, I'd be
very interested to see -
296
00:16:22,240 --> 00:16:24,400
What is it now?
297
00:16:26,120 --> 00:16:28,560
No! What is wrong with you people?
298
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:30,800
I've been away for less than an hour!
299
00:16:31,880 --> 00:16:33,560
Hello? Hello?
300
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:36,880
Bloody battery. Have you got a phone?
301
00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:38,920
Erm, yes.
302
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:41,160
Somewhere. Load of rubbish in
here...
303
00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:45,240
Diego, can I use your phone?
304
00:16:50,920 --> 00:16:52,920
Senor? Senor.
305
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:54,960
Here.
306
00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:59,040
Cyril.
Joyce!
307
00:17:06,920 --> 00:17:09,320
Mikey! What's going on?
308
00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:11,160
Nothing.
Fancy coming for a wander?
309
00:17:11,200 --> 00:17:13,000
- No, I don't.
- "No, I don't."
310
00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:16,240
Just leave me alone. Everytime I hang
around with you, I get in trouble.
311
00:17:16,280 --> 00:17:18,680
I could say the same thing about
you. Just go away.
312
00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:21,760
Listen, Mikey, you don't seem to
have too many friends around here.
313
00:17:21,800 --> 00:17:23,920
You should be thankful you've got me
as a mate.
314
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:27,400
Thankful? Thanks to you I've got a
tattoo, my nan's scooter got trashed,
315
00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:30,520
nearly got caught selling drugs and
lost all my holiday money.
316
00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:32,760
They weren't drugs,
they were tanning pills.
317
00:17:32,800 --> 00:17:35,760
I got your money back for you, you
ungrateful - You lads all right?
318
00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:37,960
Yeah. Yes, sweet, Mrs G.
319
00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:40,160
I was just gonna nip out and get a
newspaper.
320
00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:42,960
Oh. I didn't think reading was your
strong point.
321
00:17:44,320 --> 00:17:45,760
Off you pop, then.
322
00:17:45,800 --> 00:17:47,520
You stand there gawping much longer
323
00:17:47,560 --> 00:17:50,200
and that haircut's in danger of
coming back into fashion.
324
00:17:50,240 --> 00:17:52,920
Yeah. Yeah, cool...
325
00:17:52,960 --> 00:17:54,960
Erm...
326
00:17:56,080 --> 00:17:58,080
..see you later, Mikey.
327
00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:04,080
You know, I've not really noticed
before,
328
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:06,200
but he's a bit of a dick that lad,
in't he?
329
00:18:06,240 --> 00:18:08,240
Yeah, just a bit.
330
00:18:08,280 --> 00:18:09,880
Do you fancy a swim?
331
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:11,920
Yeah, all right.
Come on.
332
00:18:17,320 --> 00:18:19,320
Housekeeping.
333
00:18:29,840 --> 00:18:32,440
Disgusting.
334
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,000
Oh dear.
335
00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:51,920
What are you doing?!
336
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:53,960
What do you want?
Get off me!
337
00:18:58,360 --> 00:19:02,320
Let me go! What are you doing?
I'm trying to get off you!
338
00:19:02,360 --> 00:19:04,080
What the hell's going on here?
339
00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:06,120
Don't just stand there!
340
00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:10,440
I'm sorry, but I have no intention of
finishing off whatever he started.
341
00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:12,520
Tonya. Where are you going?
342
00:19:13,240 --> 00:19:15,240
Don't be ridiculous!
343
00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:25,720
Oh! She's arrived!
344
00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:31,200
Here she is. The last remains of Big
Donna. May she rest in pieces.
345
00:19:31,240 --> 00:19:36,840
When I think of how full of life
she was, what a way to end up.
346
00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:39,240
Well, every cloud
has a silver lining.
347
00:19:39,280 --> 00:19:41,840
The last time she sat on someone's
knee,
348
00:19:41,880 --> 00:19:43,880
they ended up with a
fractured thigh bone.
349
00:19:43,920 --> 00:19:48,000
So we're taking Donna
on one last day out.
350
00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:50,880
Absolutely. She always said she'd
get to Benidorm.
351
00:19:50,920 --> 00:19:53,240
We're gonna send her off in style!
352
00:19:55,920 --> 00:19:58,560
Mateo, you can't sneak us a big
bottle of water, can you?
353
00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:01,040
We're off to the beach.
You cannot go to the beach
354
00:20:01,080 --> 00:20:02,800
with your father being this crazy.
355
00:20:02,840 --> 00:20:04,960
It is like the cats leaving the
sinking ship.
356
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:06,120
I think you mean mice.
357
00:20:06,160 --> 00:20:08,560
OK, the cats leaving
the sinking mice. Whatever.
358
00:20:08,600 --> 00:20:10,360
I'm still going to be left alone.
359
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:12,120
Come on, what are you waiting for?
360
00:20:12,160 --> 00:20:13,920
Mateo won't give us
a bottle of water.
361
00:20:13,960 --> 00:20:17,360
You can have the water. I'm just
jealous you're going to the beach.
362
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:19,760
Come with us, then.
I cannot.
363
00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:21,840
I'm on a final warning.
364
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:23,880
From who?
From Les.
365
00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:27,480
I think you're mad. He's got
absolutely no power over us.
366
00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:29,840
If this was the '70s, someone would
blow a whistle
367
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,120
and be, "Everybody out!"
368
00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:32,840
What does this mean?
I don't know.
369
00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:34,680
It means we need a union.
370
00:20:34,720 --> 00:20:37,400
And then when we're treated unfairly
all the staff walk out
371
00:20:37,440 --> 00:20:39,440
until the management
meets our demands.
372
00:20:39,480 --> 00:20:42,240
Are you giving us a bottle of water
or am I gonna have to drink
373
00:20:42,280 --> 00:20:45,560
from that shower thing the kids wash
their feet with? Enjoy the beach.
374
00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:47,960
Ssh.
Cheers, gorgeous. See you later.
375
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,080
Bye.
Luego.
376
00:20:50,680 --> 00:20:54,760
I think one quick cocktail
before we head off, n'est ce pas?
377
00:20:54,800 --> 00:20:56,800
Oh, yes.
378
00:20:57,760 --> 00:21:00,280
Pink Pussies all round, please.
379
00:21:00,320 --> 00:21:02,040
Two Pink Pussies, no problem.
380
00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:04,080
Three, actually.
381
00:21:04,120 --> 00:21:06,160
One for our friend Donna.
382
00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:10,400
She's never been to Benidorm before.
383
00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:20,800
While I was in Thailand
I set up a dance company
384
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:22,640
with some of the people I met in
prison.
385
00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:26,280
Prison?
A complete misunderstanding.
386
00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:29,560
I was taking a short cut across a
field
387
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:31,760
when an old groin strain flared up.
388
00:21:31,800 --> 00:21:35,400
I was giving it a good rub
when next thing I knew,
389
00:21:35,440 --> 00:21:39,960
I've got two months in a Thai prison
for worrying a farmer's cattle.
390
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:45,360
Anyway, I set up this dance group.
They were mainly pensioners.
391
00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:51,400
It combined elements of traditional
Thai dance and circus acrobatics.
392
00:21:51,440 --> 00:21:54,560
Our finale was the human pyramid.
393
00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:57,360
The idea being to get over the
prison wall.
394
00:21:57,400 --> 00:22:02,000
Well, I got over the wall, but the
pyramid collapsed,
395
00:22:02,040 --> 00:22:04,400
killing five pensioners
and Chairman Mao.
396
00:22:04,440 --> 00:22:06,400
Chairman Mao?
397
00:22:06,440 --> 00:22:08,120
The prison cat.
398
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:11,160
I went from Thailand's
premier choreographer
399
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:15,160
to public enemy number one
in one admittedly graceful leap.
400
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:17,080
You don't have much luck, do you?
401
00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:21,440
So I came to Spain to look for a
job, but, well, as you can see,
402
00:22:21,480 --> 00:22:24,560
things haven't worked out.
Why didn't you come to me?
403
00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:27,880
So many reasons.
Pride. Dignity.
404
00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,480
Not being able to scrape together
enough money
405
00:22:30,520 --> 00:22:32,520
for a can of Right Guard.
406
00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:35,400
But listen to me rattling on.
You were waiting for someone.
407
00:22:35,440 --> 00:22:37,200
No, I wasn't.
408
00:22:37,240 --> 00:22:42,520
Well... I was, but... let's go for a
walk.
409
00:22:42,560 --> 00:22:44,560
Are you sure?
410
00:22:45,360 --> 00:22:47,360
I think you'll be doing me a favour.
411
00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:01,640
Sorry about that. A barrel of monkeys
could do a better job...
412
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:05,800
Joyce?
413
00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:08,480
Joyce?
414
00:23:15,640 --> 00:23:19,200
These are very grave accusations
you're making, Mr Dyke.
415
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:20,960
Are you sure it was
a member of staff?
416
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:23,200
How else would he have got into my
room?
417
00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:25,240
You might have left the door open.
418
00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:28,480
He came into the room and launched
himself onto me.
419
00:23:28,520 --> 00:23:30,520
Now I don't think that was the case.
420
00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:32,360
How do you know?
421
00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:36,560
Well... you don't look like someone
who's been launched upon.
422
00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:38,920
Don't worry, I soon pulled him off.
423
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:41,120
Well, that would certainly send him
running.
424
00:23:42,360 --> 00:23:45,080
OK, I've got all the details.
Young lad, in his 30's.
425
00:23:45,120 --> 00:23:47,440
"Young lad"?
I didn't say that.
426
00:23:47,480 --> 00:23:49,560
He was a right old ugly bastard.
427
00:23:49,600 --> 00:23:51,400
Really?
428
00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:54,880
Oh, yeah. He was like a fat goblin
bearing down on me.
429
00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:56,800
Can you imagine that?
430
00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:58,200
Not really.
431
00:23:58,240 --> 00:24:00,240
And he had this weird accent.
432
00:24:00,280 --> 00:24:04,920
Actually, now I come to think of it,
he sounded a bit like you.
433
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:06,640
Where are you from?
434
00:24:06,680 --> 00:24:08,680
Me?
435
00:24:08,720 --> 00:24:11,080
I'm originally from
Tunbridge Wells
436
00:24:11,120 --> 00:24:14,440
although I did spend quite a lot of
time on the Costas.
437
00:24:14,480 --> 00:24:18,000
Right, well, I'll certainly file
this complaint
438
00:24:18,040 --> 00:24:21,280
and if we hear any more,
we'll let you know.
439
00:24:21,320 --> 00:24:24,520
Wasn't your hair a different colour
yesterday?
440
00:24:24,560 --> 00:24:27,160
I do believe that's a lady's
prerogative.
441
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:37,160
Bloody nylon rubbish!
442
00:25:00,363 --> 00:25:03,583
What's going on? I thought we came
on holiday to get some sun.
443
00:25:03,589 --> 00:25:06,629
What are we doing sitting in here?
It's a family meeting, Michael.
444
00:25:06,669 --> 00:25:08,349
It's nice in here, in't it?
445
00:25:08,389 --> 00:25:11,269
Didn't know they had somebody
playing the piano during the day.
446
00:25:12,709 --> 00:25:15,429
Right, let's get this sorted out.
447
00:25:15,469 --> 00:25:18,389
What have you done with Madge?
What are you talking about?
448
00:25:18,429 --> 00:25:20,829
Mick - You're one of them
dopplegangers, aren't you?
449
00:25:20,869 --> 00:25:23,109
I once saw a Hammer House Of Horror
film like this.
450
00:25:23,149 --> 00:25:26,589
In a minute, we're all gonna wake up
in the back of an ambulance in the 1970s.
451
00:25:26,629 --> 00:25:29,669
I haven't a clue what you're talking
about. None of us have, Mother.
452
00:25:29,709 --> 00:25:31,829
We just wanted to check that...
453
00:25:32,829 --> 00:25:34,989
..well, that you're feeling OK.
454
00:25:35,029 --> 00:25:37,029
I'm OK.
455
00:25:38,509 --> 00:25:40,309
It's just that...
What?
456
00:25:40,349 --> 00:25:43,069
What they want to know is why are you
being so nice?
457
00:25:43,109 --> 00:25:45,789
Nice?
Yeah, it's freaking everybody out.
458
00:25:45,829 --> 00:25:47,669
I don't know what you're talking
about.
459
00:25:47,709 --> 00:25:50,469
I'm just enjoying being on holiday
with my family.
460
00:25:50,509 --> 00:25:53,749
Look what I found!
461
00:25:53,789 --> 00:25:56,269
You got it!
You got it back!
462
00:25:56,309 --> 00:25:58,629
Where was it?
It was just left outside.
463
00:25:58,669 --> 00:26:02,309
I knew they'd bring it back. It was
just some kids having a bit of fun.
464
00:26:03,509 --> 00:26:05,509
Here you are, son.
465
00:26:07,589 --> 00:26:10,869
Are you sure you can remember the
combination of the lock on that purse?
466
00:26:10,909 --> 00:26:14,269
No, please, Mrs G. I wouldn't dream
of taking money from you.
467
00:26:14,309 --> 00:26:16,189
I'm just happy
you got your scooter back.
468
00:26:16,229 --> 00:26:19,469
Actually, it's Mrs H.
469
00:26:20,509 --> 00:26:22,509
Thank you very much.
No problem.
470
00:26:23,629 --> 00:26:25,629
Mikey.
471
00:26:29,869 --> 00:26:31,869
What a lovely lad.
472
00:26:31,909 --> 00:26:35,269
Restores your faith in human
kindness, doesn't it?
473
00:28:00,829 --> 00:28:02,869
Ola. Can I help you?
474
00:28:02,909 --> 00:28:05,149
Yeah. Do you know why this place is
never open?
475
00:28:05,189 --> 00:28:07,509
Yes. The owner, he has a problem.
476
00:28:07,549 --> 00:28:11,029
What's the problem?
He is... how you say?
477
00:28:11,069 --> 00:28:13,109
Fat and lazy.
Brilliant!
478
00:28:13,149 --> 00:28:15,629
But maybe I can help you.
How do you mean?
479
00:28:15,669 --> 00:28:20,669
Well, I am a barman but I also work
part-time as a... hair stylist.
480
00:28:20,709 --> 00:28:23,349
Really?
Yes. Just not today.
481
00:28:24,349 --> 00:28:26,349
May I?
482
00:28:29,189 --> 00:28:33,349
Ah, yes, yes. Beautiful hair.
483
00:28:33,389 --> 00:28:36,469
Yes. I think you would suit a...
484
00:28:38,189 --> 00:28:40,269
..'chopitos.'
What's that?
485
00:28:41,069 --> 00:28:45,149
It's a very fashionable style
that goes around your ears
486
00:28:45,189 --> 00:28:47,549
and your neck...
487
00:28:49,029 --> 00:28:51,029
What the hell do you think
you're doing?
488
00:28:51,069 --> 00:28:53,269
Nothing.
Is this man bothering you?
489
00:28:53,309 --> 00:28:55,549
He said he was a hairdresser?
That one?
490
00:28:55,589 --> 00:28:57,429
A hairdresser?
491
00:28:57,469 --> 00:29:00,069
He thinks a finger wave is something
you do for foreplay.
492
00:29:00,109 --> 00:29:01,989
OK, I'm not a hairdresser,
493
00:29:02,029 --> 00:29:04,789
but you don't have to be a farmer to
stroke a cow.
494
00:29:04,829 --> 00:29:06,829
What?
495
00:29:08,909 --> 00:29:11,549
Oh, right. Well, I'm afraid our
award-winning salon
496
00:29:11,589 --> 00:29:15,029
isn't open at the moment, but if
you'd like to come back later...
497
00:29:15,069 --> 00:29:17,229
Is that it?
I'm sorry?
498
00:29:17,269 --> 00:29:18,589
You're not gonna sack him?
499
00:29:18,629 --> 00:29:20,669
Well, it's just -
I want to see the manager.
500
00:29:20,709 --> 00:29:22,669
He is the manager.
I mean, she is.
501
00:29:22,709 --> 00:29:26,149
I have just been intimidated and
harassed and humiliated
502
00:29:26,189 --> 00:29:29,229
by a member of your staff, and you
ain't gonna do nothing about it?
503
00:29:29,269 --> 00:29:31,309
I could have a field day with this,
you know.
504
00:29:31,349 --> 00:29:33,069
Now I don't think that's necessary.
505
00:29:33,109 --> 00:29:34,869
"No win, no fee", and all that.
506
00:29:34,909 --> 00:29:36,989
Look, I'm sure we can sort this out.
507
00:29:37,029 --> 00:29:39,029
So sort it.
508
00:29:43,509 --> 00:29:46,069
Mateo... you're sacked.
509
00:29:47,909 --> 00:29:49,709
What?
I'm sorry, Mateo.
510
00:29:49,749 --> 00:29:52,029
She's right. You'll have to collect
your things.
511
00:29:52,069 --> 00:29:54,069
You're sacked.
512
00:29:54,109 --> 00:29:56,109
You cannot sack me.
513
00:29:56,149 --> 00:29:58,869
I am the manageress
and you're sacked.
514
00:30:03,269 --> 00:30:07,749
Fine. I go. I do not need to work for
no crazy drag queen.
515
00:30:07,789 --> 00:30:09,429
I'll tell Joyce you said that.
516
00:30:09,469 --> 00:30:11,469
I was talking about you.
517
00:30:14,029 --> 00:30:16,029
We're running a very tight ship
here.
518
00:30:31,869 --> 00:30:34,589
Oh, that was a bit of a climb!
519
00:30:34,629 --> 00:30:38,709
And one worth every step.
Just look at that view.
520
00:30:38,749 --> 00:30:40,749
Oh, yes.
521
00:30:42,229 --> 00:30:43,749
Shall I say a few words?
522
00:30:43,789 --> 00:30:45,789
That'll be lovely.
523
00:30:52,429 --> 00:30:57,949
Dearest Donna, you were more than a
friend. More than a woman.
524
00:30:57,989 --> 00:31:01,949
In fact, as in the words of the
great Lionel Ritchie,
525
00:31:01,989 --> 00:31:05,989
you were quite literally
three times a lady.
526
00:31:06,029 --> 00:31:10,189
Incredibly popular.
Amazingly talented.
527
00:31:10,229 --> 00:31:14,149
One of the few women I knew who
could open a bottle of ketchup
528
00:31:14,189 --> 00:31:16,189
without the use of her hands.
529
00:31:16,229 --> 00:31:20,189
Till we meet again, dear Donna.
530
00:31:20,229 --> 00:31:22,229
Rest in peace.
531
00:31:23,269 --> 00:31:25,229
Rest in peace.
532
00:31:27,309 --> 00:31:28,949
What on earth's wrong?
533
00:31:28,989 --> 00:31:32,229
Her head!
They didn't cremate her head!
534
00:31:42,509 --> 00:31:44,509
You know what this reminds me of?
535
00:31:44,549 --> 00:31:46,549
As if I could forget.
536
00:31:46,589 --> 00:31:50,829
Stolen moments together.
Faliraki, '91, '92.
537
00:31:50,869 --> 00:31:53,229
Your wife wasn't stupid.
538
00:31:53,269 --> 00:31:55,269
She knew I had feelings for you.
539
00:31:55,309 --> 00:31:59,309
When Genevieve was on her deathbed,
she said she had a confession.
540
00:31:59,349 --> 00:32:01,349
I said I did, too.
541
00:32:01,389 --> 00:32:04,869
And I told her how much time you and
I had spent together
542
00:32:04,909 --> 00:32:09,989
during that season and those
afternoons of ice cream and kisses.
543
00:32:10,029 --> 00:32:13,709
Oh my goodness.
What was her confession?
544
00:32:15,389 --> 00:32:17,189
For the last ten years of our
marriage,
545
00:32:17,229 --> 00:32:19,869
she'd bought Happy Shopper
instant coffee
546
00:32:19,909 --> 00:32:22,109
and put it in a Nescafe jar.
547
00:32:23,229 --> 00:32:26,949
I think being honest with each other
brought us closer together
548
00:32:26,989 --> 00:32:28,989
for her last few hours.
549
00:32:31,509 --> 00:32:35,069
Strange how fate keeps throwing us
together, Joyce.
550
00:32:37,469 --> 00:32:39,469
Maybe it's a sign.
551
00:32:39,509 --> 00:32:42,029
A sign we shouldn't ignore.
552
00:32:46,789 --> 00:32:48,789
You're dribbling.
553
00:32:48,829 --> 00:32:51,869
I can't really help it.
It's been some time.
554
00:32:51,909 --> 00:32:53,909
No, I mean your ice cream.
555
00:32:53,949 --> 00:32:55,949
Oh, oh!
556
00:33:00,509 --> 00:33:03,349
Now this is what
I call a day off.
557
00:33:03,389 --> 00:33:05,389
Definitely.
558
00:33:09,549 --> 00:33:12,949
Oh my God.
Look at that.
559
00:33:12,989 --> 00:33:15,349
Unless it's a six-foot
Brazilian gymnast
560
00:33:15,389 --> 00:33:18,269
emerging from the sea in nothing but
a see-through thong,
561
00:33:18,309 --> 00:33:20,309
I am not opening my eyes.
562
00:33:20,349 --> 00:33:22,749
It's Joyce Temple-Savage
snogging a tramp.
563
00:33:22,789 --> 00:33:24,789
There are, however, exceptions.
564
00:33:29,429 --> 00:33:31,429
Oh, God!
565
00:33:33,269 --> 00:33:36,229
Where do we go from here,
Joyce?
566
00:33:36,269 --> 00:33:38,269
I'm not sure.
567
00:33:38,309 --> 00:33:41,909
We could always have a quick paddle.
No, I mean in our relationship.
568
00:33:41,949 --> 00:33:45,789
In the talent show of life it feels
as if we're about to go through
569
00:33:45,829 --> 00:33:47,829
to the judge's houses.
570
00:33:47,869 --> 00:33:49,869
I beg your pardon?
571
00:33:49,909 --> 00:33:53,309
Marry me, Joyce.
Let's own the stage together.
572
00:33:53,349 --> 00:33:55,429
Let's make the song our own.
573
00:33:55,469 --> 00:33:57,789
It's a "yes" from me!
574
00:34:02,549 --> 00:34:04,869
What have I done?
It's a head!
575
00:34:04,909 --> 00:34:07,069
Oh my God, it's somebody's head!
576
00:34:20,189 --> 00:34:22,109
What is it?
It's my dad's wig.
577
00:34:22,149 --> 00:34:24,269
What on earth is going on?
578
00:34:24,309 --> 00:34:27,949
It's my dad's wig. These courier
companies are getting very slapdash.
579
00:34:27,989 --> 00:34:29,989
Why isn't your salon open?
580
00:34:30,029 --> 00:34:31,989
We've just been waiting for our
delivery.
581
00:34:32,029 --> 00:34:34,789
Come on, Liam. Where the bloody hell
did that come from?
582
00:34:34,829 --> 00:34:36,829
I have no idea.
583
00:34:36,869 --> 00:34:38,869
It wasn't a head?
584
00:34:38,909 --> 00:34:40,909
No, it was a wig.
585
00:34:40,949 --> 00:34:42,949
I think it's time I went back to
work.
586
00:34:42,989 --> 00:34:45,669
Come on, you could have a bath.
587
00:34:48,629 --> 00:34:51,429
Inocente! Inocente!
588
00:34:51,469 --> 00:34:54,149
Mateo, this has all got out of hand.
589
00:34:54,189 --> 00:34:56,309
Did you not see me winking?
590
00:34:56,349 --> 00:34:58,149
You sacked me.
I have witnesses.
591
00:34:58,189 --> 00:35:01,229
Oh for God's sake.
592
00:35:03,309 --> 00:35:07,069
Mr Castellanos, is it true you deny
all the allegations of harassment
593
00:35:07,109 --> 00:35:09,349
against you? I have spoken to my
solicitor
594
00:35:09,389 --> 00:35:12,589
and the one thing I can say to you is
these 'allegrations'
595
00:35:12,629 --> 00:35:14,629
put inside me are a huge phallus.
596
00:35:14,669 --> 00:35:16,669
Don't you mean 'fallacy'?
597
00:35:16,709 --> 00:35:18,709
Whatever.
598
00:35:18,749 --> 00:35:20,629
It's five Euros an hour.
599
00:35:21,229 --> 00:35:23,349
And as much fizzy pop and crisps as
you can eat.
600
00:35:23,389 --> 00:35:25,989
I'm not seven. It's all inclusive,
anyway.
601
00:35:26,029 --> 00:35:28,469
Look, are you in or are you out?
602
00:35:28,509 --> 00:35:30,509
Yeah, I'm in.
603
00:35:30,549 --> 00:35:33,069
Where do you want these?
Behind that bar.
604
00:35:33,109 --> 00:35:35,949
Then I need you to go on reception
with young Michael.
605
00:35:37,909 --> 00:35:39,909
No problem.
606
00:35:39,949 --> 00:35:41,589
Come on then, get your finger out.
607
00:35:41,629 --> 00:35:44,229
Isn't that what you said to the bloke
you've just sacked?
608
00:35:46,109 --> 00:35:48,029
I love a demonstration.
609
00:35:48,069 --> 00:35:50,109
I for one think it's disgusting.
610
00:35:50,149 --> 00:35:51,989
Up the workers, I say.
611
00:35:52,029 --> 00:35:55,469
Especially that cute one at the end.
What's your stance on the situation?
612
00:35:55,509 --> 00:35:57,509
It's an absolute farce, innit?
I mean...
613
00:35:57,549 --> 00:35:59,469
What are we demonstrating about?
614
00:35:59,509 --> 00:36:02,069
I have been sacked by Lesley.
What? You're joking?
615
00:36:02,109 --> 00:36:04,109
It was bound to happen, wasn't it?
616
00:36:04,149 --> 00:36:07,069
She was a five foot hormonal dam
waiting to burst, that one.
617
00:36:08,629 --> 00:36:11,029
Meanwhile, despite this ongoing
dispute,
618
00:36:11,069 --> 00:36:14,869
Kenneth Du Beke's world-famous hair
and beauty emporium, Blow And Go,
619
00:36:14,909 --> 00:36:16,629
will be open for business
throughout.
620
00:36:16,669 --> 00:36:19,349
Come to Blow And Go just inside the
Hotel Solana.
621
00:36:19,389 --> 00:36:21,389
You'll be glad you did.
622
00:36:22,629 --> 00:36:24,589
Mateo, what on earth is going on?
623
00:36:24,629 --> 00:36:26,629
Ask Lesley. She's the one who sacked
me.
624
00:36:26,669 --> 00:36:29,549
Hey, Squirrel.
Long time, no see.
625
00:36:29,589 --> 00:36:32,309
Are you OK?
Mrs Temple-Savage,
626
00:36:32,349 --> 00:36:36,429
do you have any comment?
Oh! Oh my God!
627
00:36:36,469 --> 00:36:38,229
She most certainly does not!
628
00:36:38,269 --> 00:36:41,269
Give the lady some space, please.
629
00:36:42,509 --> 00:36:44,909
Listen, Mikey, I don't know why
you're scared of me.
630
00:36:44,949 --> 00:36:47,669
I'm not scared of you. I'm just sick
of getting into trouble.
631
00:36:47,709 --> 00:36:49,589
Just having a bit of fun, mate.
632
00:36:49,629 --> 00:36:52,389
But I know what you mean. Things did
start to get a bit hairy.
633
00:36:53,549 --> 00:36:55,549
Truce?
634
00:36:55,589 --> 00:36:57,509
Truce.
Nice one.
635
00:36:58,629 --> 00:37:00,789
Oh. And I know that's not my nana's
scooter.
636
00:37:00,829 --> 00:37:03,829
It's one you've just stolen. Yeah,
well, as long as she's happy.
637
00:37:06,789 --> 00:37:08,789
Yeah, Solana. What do you want?
638
00:37:08,829 --> 00:37:11,309
Mrs Temple-Savage. What are you
doing here?
639
00:37:14,869 --> 00:37:16,909
What the hell's going on?
640
00:37:16,949 --> 00:37:19,869
We're just experiencing a minor
staff malfunction,
641
00:37:19,909 --> 00:37:22,629
but I've got everything under
control. Under control?
642
00:37:22,669 --> 00:37:24,909
It's like a scene from Oliver!!
643
00:37:24,949 --> 00:37:27,309
Get Mateo and those workers back in
here
644
00:37:27,349 --> 00:37:29,349
and get rid of these children now!
645
00:37:29,389 --> 00:37:31,629
But, Mrs Temple-Savage -
Now!
646
00:37:31,669 --> 00:37:33,949
There you go.
Special delivery.
647
00:37:33,989 --> 00:37:35,989
What have you done to it?
648
00:37:36,029 --> 00:37:39,069
Come on, let's get to a telly. I
hope they don't make me look fat.
649
00:37:40,469 --> 00:37:42,469
Lesley!
650
00:37:44,909 --> 00:37:47,829
Hello, I'd like to book a single
room for a -
651
00:37:47,869 --> 00:37:50,429
For goodness sake, get away from
that desk!
652
00:37:50,469 --> 00:37:52,469
Go on, get away.
653
00:37:53,549 --> 00:37:56,629
Joyce, this is absolute chaos.
I know.
654
00:37:56,669 --> 00:37:59,149
I leave the place for half a day and
look at it.
655
00:37:59,189 --> 00:38:03,229
It's ridiculous, you trying to run
this whole place single-handed.
656
00:38:03,269 --> 00:38:06,869
I know. I had my eye on Lesley as
assistant manager
657
00:38:06,909 --> 00:38:10,269
but after this she'll be lucky if I
keep her on mopping floors.
658
00:38:12,229 --> 00:38:13,869
What? What is it?
659
00:38:13,909 --> 00:38:17,509
Of course.
You could do it!
660
00:38:17,549 --> 00:38:21,829
I appreciate the offer, but mopping
floors isn't exactly my -
661
00:38:21,869 --> 00:38:25,029
Cyril, I wouldn't ask you to mop a
floor.
662
00:38:26,029 --> 00:38:29,109
I'm talking about assistant manager.
663
00:38:29,149 --> 00:38:31,869
Joyce, I... I don't know what to say.
664
00:38:31,909 --> 00:38:33,909
Let's get you cleaned up.
665
00:38:35,149 --> 00:38:37,429
I'm going to put you
in the bridal suite.
666
00:38:37,469 --> 00:38:40,869
It's got a four-speed jacuzzi and I
could always come in and...
667
00:38:41,869 --> 00:38:43,869
..wash your back for you.
668
00:38:43,909 --> 00:38:45,909
Let's not rush into things, Joyce.
669
00:38:45,949 --> 00:38:50,029
It's been a while since I've
been... intimate with anyone.
670
00:38:50,069 --> 00:38:53,229
I need a while to, well... get my
bearings.
671
00:38:56,589 --> 00:39:00,229
Get your bearings? I think I'll need
a map and compass.
672
00:39:02,897 --> 00:39:05,097
♪ What a day this has been
673
00:39:05,249 --> 00:39:08,009
♪ What a rare mood I'm in
674
00:39:08,049 --> 00:39:12,569
♪ Why, it's almost like being in
love... ♪
675
00:39:13,529 --> 00:39:15,969
What a day.
I know.
676
00:39:16,009 --> 00:39:19,569
Drink up, I've ordered another two.
Purely medicinal, of course.
677
00:39:19,609 --> 00:39:22,489
It didn't even look like Donna.
678
00:39:22,529 --> 00:39:26,289
You don't think they sent the wrong
person, do you?
679
00:39:26,329 --> 00:39:28,569
How many times do I
have to tell you?
680
00:39:28,609 --> 00:39:31,409
That was a representation of Donna.
681
00:39:31,449 --> 00:39:35,489
It's very Egyptian including a bust
of yourself
682
00:39:35,529 --> 00:39:37,569
along with your last worldly goods.
683
00:39:37,609 --> 00:39:40,569
How do you know so much about all
this?
684
00:39:40,609 --> 00:39:42,689
Old Necro Norris the undertaker
685
00:39:42,729 --> 00:39:45,089
was very knowledgeable
about these matters.
686
00:39:45,129 --> 00:39:48,649
♪ And from the way that I feel... ♪
687
00:39:48,689 --> 00:39:51,729
Mr and Mrs Stewart?
Yes?
688
00:39:51,769 --> 00:39:54,369
This box came for you today,
but nobody could find you.
689
00:39:57,129 --> 00:39:59,489
Hello? Did you hear me?
690
00:39:59,529 --> 00:40:03,689
Yes, yes. Er, sorry, erm...
691
00:40:03,729 --> 00:40:05,729
Thank you.
No problem.
692
00:40:12,489 --> 00:40:14,769
Thank you! See you all again after
the break.
693
00:40:14,809 --> 00:40:16,609
Take it, Dave.
694
00:40:16,649 --> 00:40:20,009
I'm sorry, Mrs Temple-Savage.
I don't know what came over me.
695
00:40:20,049 --> 00:40:23,489
People being assaulted in their
rooms, child labour,
696
00:40:23,529 --> 00:40:24,609
a staff walkout.
697
00:40:24,649 --> 00:40:28,369
Holiday makers being propositioned
in communal areas!
698
00:40:28,409 --> 00:40:30,609
Now that was Mateo -
No, Lesley.
699
00:40:30,649 --> 00:40:33,209
It was your responsibility under
YOUR watch.
700
00:40:33,249 --> 00:40:35,729
That's what working in management is
all about.
701
00:40:35,769 --> 00:40:39,569
When I was under Richard Branson and
things got hard,
702
00:40:39,609 --> 00:40:41,809
I never tried to wriggle out of it.
703
00:40:43,889 --> 00:40:47,369
The thing is, Lesley,
some were born to lead
704
00:40:47,409 --> 00:40:51,889
while others merely to follow.
I'll get us a table.
705
00:40:53,169 --> 00:40:55,049
I'm sorry, Mrs Temple-Savage.
706
00:40:55,089 --> 00:40:57,929
I suppose that assistant manager
job's out the window.
707
00:40:57,969 --> 00:41:00,129
I'm sorry, Lesley.
You've more chance
708
00:41:00,169 --> 00:41:02,809
of becoming Miss Benidorm 2013.
709
00:41:07,729 --> 00:41:10,489
I think I'd better get pressing a
bit of flesh.
710
00:41:10,529 --> 00:41:13,249
Aren't you and Mr Babcock going to
have dinner first?
711
00:41:16,929 --> 00:41:19,929
I'm talking about appeasing our
clientele.
712
00:41:19,969 --> 00:41:21,969
I'm sorry.
713
00:41:23,169 --> 00:41:25,169
That was absolutely lovely.
714
00:41:25,209 --> 00:41:27,409
I thought that chicken
was a bit dry.
715
00:41:27,449 --> 00:41:30,889
Yeah, it was horrible. They're
catering for a lot of people.
716
00:41:30,929 --> 00:41:32,969
I think they do a smashing job.
717
00:41:34,169 --> 00:41:35,769
Do you want to go out for a cig,
Mam?
718
00:41:35,809 --> 00:41:38,409
- No, I'm stopping.
- What?!
719
00:41:38,449 --> 00:41:41,249
What do you mean, stopping?
I'm stopping smoking.
720
00:41:44,249 --> 00:41:47,529
Ooh, look.
Sponge and custard!
721
00:41:51,969 --> 00:41:53,969
It's like an old people's home in
here.
722
00:41:54,009 --> 00:41:56,809
This is officially the worst holiday
I've ever had.
723
00:41:56,849 --> 00:41:58,129
Think yourself lucky.
724
00:41:58,169 --> 00:42:01,129
At least you didn't get groped by a
dirty old man today.
725
00:42:01,169 --> 00:42:04,209
Didn't I? Who in their right mind
would grope you?
726
00:42:04,249 --> 00:42:06,129
Shut up. What are you talking about,
baby?
727
00:42:06,169 --> 00:42:08,569
I knew they wouldn't sack him.
Wouldn't sack who?
728
00:42:10,929 --> 00:42:13,569
Bianca!
What's been going on?
729
00:42:13,609 --> 00:42:15,289
I said I don't want
to talk about it!
730
00:42:15,329 --> 00:42:17,329
Now look what you've done.
731
00:42:22,729 --> 00:42:25,289
"Dear Donald and Jacqueline.
732
00:42:25,329 --> 00:42:31,049
Please find enclosed the last
remains of dear departed Donna.
733
00:42:31,089 --> 00:42:34,929
Give her a good send off, guys."
734
00:42:34,969 --> 00:42:38,689
So, if these are Donna's ashes,
735
00:42:38,729 --> 00:42:42,089
what was that we tipped into the sea
today?
736
00:42:42,129 --> 00:42:45,969
I don't know. But I'm not sure I can
go through all that again.
737
00:42:46,009 --> 00:42:48,089
Me neither.
738
00:42:48,129 --> 00:42:51,249
Let's finish our dinner,
sleep on it,
739
00:42:51,289 --> 00:42:53,489
and decide what to do with her in
the morning.
740
00:42:53,529 --> 00:42:55,529
Yeah.
741
00:42:59,889 --> 00:43:03,049
It's no good, I can't get a minute
to myself in here.
742
00:43:03,089 --> 00:43:07,249
I'd say let's go somewhere else, but
as you know, I'm absolutely broke.
743
00:43:07,289 --> 00:43:10,609
Cyril?
Yes, Joyce?
744
00:43:10,649 --> 00:43:14,209
Would you like to have your pudding
in my room?
745
00:43:14,249 --> 00:43:16,809
I haven't seen what's on offer yet.
746
00:43:16,849 --> 00:43:19,009
I think you know exactly what's on
offer.
747
00:43:19,049 --> 00:43:22,249
Joyce. I've been calling you all
afternoon.
748
00:43:22,289 --> 00:43:24,769
Oh. I don't have my phone with me.
749
00:43:24,809 --> 00:43:29,129
Cyril, this is Beverley Westwood.
He manages the Hotel Alberta.
750
00:43:30,689 --> 00:43:33,129
Look, I'm sorry about this lunchtime.
751
00:43:33,169 --> 00:43:36,009
I came out of the restaurant and you
must have gone to the loo.
752
00:43:36,049 --> 00:43:38,769
Unfortunately, I had to head back to
the hotel.
753
00:43:38,809 --> 00:43:42,729
But I've completely cleared my diary
for this evening.
754
00:43:43,929 --> 00:43:46,969
I'm sorry, Beverley. This evening
isn't convenient.
755
00:43:47,009 --> 00:43:49,009
I've booked a table at The Belroy.
756
00:43:49,049 --> 00:43:52,329
I'm sorry, Beverley. I don't think
you quite understand.
757
00:43:52,369 --> 00:43:55,729
Do you know how difficult it is to
get a table at The Belroy?
758
00:43:55,769 --> 00:43:57,769
No, my friend.
759
00:43:57,809 --> 00:43:59,929
I don't think YOU understand.
760
00:43:59,969 --> 00:44:03,489
Who's he? Now please, Beverley.
Don't make a scene.
761
00:44:03,529 --> 00:44:06,329
Hang on a minute, I recognise you.
762
00:44:06,369 --> 00:44:10,049
Didn't I have you thrown out of the
grounds of my hotel last week
763
00:44:10,089 --> 00:44:11,969
for going through the bins?
764
00:44:12,009 --> 00:44:14,169
I very much doubt it.
765
00:44:14,209 --> 00:44:16,489
So this is what you're turning me
down for, Joyce?
766
00:44:16,529 --> 00:44:18,329
A dirty old tramp?
767
00:44:18,369 --> 00:44:20,129
Say that again.
Gladly.
768
00:44:20,169 --> 00:44:24,209
A dirty old desperate
embarrassing tramp!
769
00:44:24,249 --> 00:44:27,609
You have ten seconds to leave,
770
00:44:27,649 --> 00:44:30,249
before you get a bloody good
pasting.
771
00:44:30,289 --> 00:44:33,449
You what? You couldn't paste a roll
of wallpaper!
772
00:44:35,209 --> 00:44:37,729
Boys, boys, please...
773
00:44:37,769 --> 00:44:40,689
Where do you think you're going?
I didn't do anything, I swear.
774
00:44:40,729 --> 00:44:44,609
Didn't do anything? My daughter is
absolutely inconsolable!
775
00:44:44,649 --> 00:44:46,009
Mum, just leave it!
776
00:44:46,049 --> 00:44:48,409
Is he the one that touched you?
777
00:44:48,449 --> 00:44:50,889
OK, so maybe I touched her hair, but
this was all -
778
00:44:50,929 --> 00:44:54,769
You touched my daughter's hair?
What kind of a pervert are you?
779
00:44:54,809 --> 00:44:58,329
Excuse me! We can't see the stage!
780
00:44:58,369 --> 00:44:59,649
Come on, just calm it down.
781
00:44:59,689 --> 00:45:01,249
Get out of my way!
782
00:45:01,289 --> 00:45:03,569
You, me, outside, now!
783
00:45:03,609 --> 00:45:06,249
Don't worry. I'll look
after this one. Ow!
784
00:45:06,289 --> 00:45:08,289
Come here, you!
785
00:45:08,329 --> 00:45:12,609
Well, I suppose I should let you
know what's going on.
786
00:45:12,649 --> 00:45:16,049
What? You're right. I have had what
you might call
787
00:45:16,089 --> 00:45:18,209
a different outlook on life
recently.
788
00:45:18,249 --> 00:45:20,249
And for good reason.
789
00:45:20,289 --> 00:45:21,729
Go on.
790
00:45:21,769 --> 00:45:24,329
Well, I've kept it to myself, but...
791
00:45:25,369 --> 00:45:29,929
..five months ago to the day,
I went to see Dr Kundu.
792
00:45:30,929 --> 00:45:32,929
And... well...
793
00:45:34,249 --> 00:45:36,249
..he gave me six months to live.
794
00:45:44,689 --> 00:45:46,689
I probably should have told you.
795
00:45:50,449 --> 00:45:52,529
You! It was you in my room!
796
00:45:52,569 --> 00:45:55,609
This place is full of perverts!
797
00:46:04,969 --> 00:46:07,609
♪ Don't give us none of your
aggravation
798
00:46:07,649 --> 00:46:10,289
♪ We've had it with your discipline
799
00:46:10,329 --> 00:46:13,870
♪ Saturday night's all right for
fighting... ♪
800
00:46:13,894 --> 00:46:45,880
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
801
00:46:46,305 --> 00:46:52,583
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