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00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
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00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:26,348
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
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00:00:45,360 --> 00:00:47,360
Stand by. I will need your help.
4
00:00:47,400 --> 00:00:49,400
This one is crazy.
5
00:00:57,800 --> 00:00:59,800
Hola. Hello, love.
6
00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:02,000
Do you know you are too early for
breakfast?
7
00:01:02,040 --> 00:01:05,080
You are going to have to wait at
least another half hour.
8
00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:07,240
It's all right, love.
9
00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:09,280
I was just enjoying the view.
10
00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:14,360
Oh, I can move if I'm in your way.
11
00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:18,280
No, no, you can stay here.
The view's all-inclusive.
12
00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:20,960
Have you ever thought
why we're here?
13
00:01:22,680 --> 00:01:25,960
I am at work, you are on holiday.
14
00:01:26,000 --> 00:01:30,560
No, I mean, why we're put on the
earth in the first place -
15
00:01:30,600 --> 00:01:32,600
what's it all about?
16
00:01:32,640 --> 00:01:35,560
I am sorry, I am not qualified to
answer these questions.
17
00:01:35,600 --> 00:01:39,240
I suggest you try business centre.
They have the inter-web there.
18
00:01:39,280 --> 00:01:41,920
What's going on? Where's the
breakfast?
19
00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:43,760
You are too early.
20
00:01:43,800 --> 00:01:46,560
Oh! I'll kill that DJ from Cafe B.
21
00:01:46,600 --> 00:01:49,280
He always plays Islands In The
Stream at a quarter to eight
22
00:01:49,320 --> 00:01:52,160
so I know I've got 15 minutes
to get here, to get my breakfast.
23
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:54,680
Idiot. Oh, my head is banging.
24
00:01:55,840 --> 00:01:57,760
You haven't got a light have you,
love?
25
00:01:57,800 --> 00:02:00,360
Yes, love. Cheers.
26
00:02:03,920 --> 00:02:06,360
You can keep that.
27
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:08,960
Oh, nice one. Are you sure? Yeah.
28
00:02:10,320 --> 00:02:12,560
You may as well have these as well.
29
00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:17,920
You're not stopping, are you?
30
00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,600
The doctors gave me
six months to live.
31
00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:22,280
Really?
32
00:02:22,320 --> 00:02:24,320
That was five months ago.
33
00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:28,440
Believe me, son, if you know what's
good for you,
34
00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:30,560
you'll start looking after yourself.
35
00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:32,600
Right.
36
00:02:32,640 --> 00:02:35,880
If you'll excuse me, I'm off to sit
in the shade.
37
00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:42,320
Think about what I said, son.
# I think to myself
38
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:50,000
Bloody hell.
39
00:02:50,040 --> 00:02:52,960
You certainly know how to put
someone off their bacon butty.
40
00:02:56,920 --> 00:02:58,680
Come on. Come on!
41
00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:00,840
What are you doing? You know what
I'm doing.
42
00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:02,960
I'm trying to get through to Doctor
Kundu.
43
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:05,360
It's a quarter to eight.
44
00:03:05,400 --> 00:03:07,800
I know. They open at eight.
Somebody might be there.
45
00:03:07,840 --> 00:03:10,720
It's a quarter to eight here, so
it's a quarter to seven at home.
46
00:03:10,760 --> 00:03:13,040
I know Dr Kundu's
receptionist looks keen..
47
00:03:13,080 --> 00:03:15,840
Hello, this is Janice Garvey,
again,
48
00:03:15,880 --> 00:03:18,920
calling about my mother
Madge Harvey.
49
00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:22,680
We need Dr Kundu to ring us back on
the mobile number I left last night
50
00:03:22,720 --> 00:03:24,720
as soon as possible, please.
51
00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:27,320
What did you say?
We're an hour in front.
52
00:03:27,360 --> 00:03:29,080
It's a quarter to seven there.
53
00:03:29,120 --> 00:03:31,320
Oh, I'd forgotten about the time
difference.
54
00:03:31,360 --> 00:03:33,320
Look, why don't we just -
55
00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:36,160
Sssh! What can you hear?
56
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:38,800
Nowt much.
57
00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:41,480
Bit of drilling, but that might be
Donald and Jacqueline,
58
00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:44,280
they're only a couple of floors
away. She's not coughing.
59
00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:48,200
My mother's not coughing. You know
she can't breathe in the mornings.
60
00:03:48,240 --> 00:03:50,640
Mam! MAM!
61
00:03:50,680 --> 00:03:54,040
It'll be me that can't breathe when
this bloody phone bill comes in.
62
00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:59,080
My mother isn't in her room. Where
is she? How the frig should I know?
63
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:01,280
Calm down. My mother's got four
weeks to live.
64
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:03,720
Don't you tell me to calm down!
Janice.
65
00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:05,760
Janice!
66
00:04:05,800 --> 00:04:08,160
I swear to God, Madge,
67
00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:10,720
if this whole thing is your idea of
a joke,
68
00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:13,880
you won't have four hours to live,
never mind four weeks.
69
00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:20,400
I'm sorry, I don't even know what a
vajazzle is,
70
00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:23,440
but I'll ask Kenneth our head
stylist to call you back.
71
00:04:23,480 --> 00:04:25,480
It's what?
72
00:04:25,520 --> 00:04:28,560
Oh, I'm not sure Kenneth will be up
for that, to be honest,
73
00:04:28,600 --> 00:04:30,600
but you can always ask...
74
00:04:30,640 --> 00:04:35,040
That's right. Pensioner's 50% off
day is Wednesday.
75
00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:37,640
All right. Take care.
76
00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:42,080
Oh! Ho-oh!
77
00:04:42,120 --> 00:04:43,880
Hey, have you seen Squirrel?
78
00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:45,920
Who? Squirrel. Squirrel Bigcock.
79
00:04:45,960 --> 00:04:48,520
Oh, Cyril, he was sniffing about
earlier.
80
00:04:48,560 --> 00:04:53,520
Do you know, I heard when Miss
Temple-Savage found Squirrel in
Benidorm, he was a vagabundo.
81
00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:55,840
I think you say tramp. You're
joking.
82
00:04:55,880 --> 00:04:58,360
No wonder he looks like the cat who
got the cream.
83
00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:00,040
Squirrel has a cat?
84
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:04,360
No, man, I just mean getting the
job here, he's landed on his feet.
85
00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:08,080
Ah, yes, a cat will always land on
his feet. You didn't know this?
86
00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:10,280
Well, now, gentlemen...
87
00:05:10,320 --> 00:05:13,800
Oh, apologies, lady and gentleman.
88
00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:17,040
Mm. It would appear we have a
staff/work ratio imbalance.
89
00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:23,760
Meaning you obviously have nothing
to do. Well, not to worry.
90
00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:28,600
Help is at hand. Lesley, I'd like
you to put up these posters and
distribute these leaflets.
91
00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:31,880
I'm supposed to be on reception.
Have you never heard of delegation?
92
00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:35,280
That's what Roy Castle had, wasn't
it? That was dedication.
93
00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:38,200
Roy and I were very close,
actually.
94
00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:41,240
I once doubled for his feet in a
cornflake commercial.
95
00:05:41,280 --> 00:05:44,160
No, I was talking about... Look,
just get those out.
96
00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:52,520
Excuse me, have you seen my mother?
Madam, do you mind?
97
00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:54,160
We happen to have a dress code.
98
00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:57,320
These may be known as the common
areas, but they're not that common.
99
00:05:57,360 --> 00:05:59,560
Have you seen Madge?
I'm sorry, pet, I haven't.
100
00:05:59,600 --> 00:06:01,680
Madam, I must ask you to -
Oh, shut up!
101
00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:04,440
Have you seen my mother? I think
she's by the pool.
102
00:06:04,480 --> 00:06:07,880
Appropriate clothing must be worn
at all times in the communal - Ooh!
103
00:06:07,920 --> 00:06:10,880
You haven't seen my wife, have you?
She went that way. Thanks.
104
00:06:10,920 --> 00:06:14,720
Dad, what's going on? Is this place
always like this? Yes. Oh.
105
00:06:14,760 --> 00:06:16,760
What is going on?
106
00:06:16,800 --> 00:06:20,040
Just a minor disturbance.
I've read them the riot act,
107
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:23,080
vis-a-vis appropriate clothing in
the hotel.
108
00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:26,000
Oh. I don't think we'll have
any more trouble there.
109
00:06:27,040 --> 00:06:29,400
Now... cigarette break, I think.
110
00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:33,480
You see, Lesley, that's a manager.
111
00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:35,520
Someone on his feet.
112
00:06:35,560 --> 00:06:39,760
Has a natural authority over others.
Someone who has a history of -
113
00:06:39,800 --> 00:06:42,200
Being a tramp. A history of being a
tramp.
114
00:06:43,520 --> 00:06:45,760
I beg your pardon? Nothing.
115
00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:48,720
Just go easy on the tittle-tattle,
Lesley.
116
00:06:49,760 --> 00:06:53,200
Loose lips sink ships.
117
00:06:55,200 --> 00:06:57,720
I cannot understand a word anyone
says today.
118
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:01,000
Morning. Morning, son.
119
00:07:11,520 --> 00:07:13,960
Oh, what's going on? Where am I?
120
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:17,480
I'm sorry! I'm sorry. That was my
fault. I thought you were dead.
121
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:21,800
Why did you think I was dead? You
were lying with your head in the
sink at eight in the morning.
122
00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:23,880
I must have fallen asleep.
123
00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:26,800
You've been out all night again,
haven't you? Yeah.
124
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:32,480
Are you still getting them twinges?
Yeah.
125
00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:35,880
I think it's time for a major
lifestyle change, don't you?
126
00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:37,720
Yeah, just what I was thinking.
127
00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:41,480
Do you know if they've started
breakfast yet? I could murder some
black pudding.
128
00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:50,760
What's all the racket?
129
00:07:50,800 --> 00:07:53,600
What, all the slamming doors,
arguing and shouting?
130
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:56,280
Just another morning at the Solana
lunatic asylum.
131
00:07:56,320 --> 00:07:59,600
Such a lovely place to bring your
family on holiday!
132
00:07:59,640 --> 00:08:01,640
What are you doing out here?
133
00:08:01,680 --> 00:08:05,480
I was having trouble hearing the
slamming doors above your snoring.
134
00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:07,520
I'm getting in the shower.
135
00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:12,760
Ooh, I have found a lovely health
spa, 10 minutes away - five-star.
136
00:08:12,800 --> 00:08:14,600
I thought we could spend the day
there.
137
00:08:14,640 --> 00:08:17,200
What, all of us? How much is it?
138
00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:20,280
What's that got to do with
anything? It's a nice day, today.
139
00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:22,320
It'd be a crime to stuck indoors.
140
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,600
Nowhere near the crime I will
commit,
141
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:30,240
if I don't get out of this pigsty!
142
00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:38,880
Mother, what are you doing here?
I've been sick with worry.
143
00:08:38,920 --> 00:08:41,760
What is there to worry about?
Janice, go up and get changed.
144
00:08:41,800 --> 00:08:44,840
I'll sit with your mother. Why does
anybody need to sit with me?
145
00:08:44,880 --> 00:08:46,760
Right, we're going home. What?
146
00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:49,320
Your grandmother has got four weeks
to...
147
00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:52,280
We're going home. Mick, get the
flights changed.
148
00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:55,200
We're only here for another few
days. Mick's right.
149
00:08:55,240 --> 00:08:57,480
We may as well finish our holiday.
150
00:08:57,520 --> 00:09:00,760
What did you just say? I said
we may as well finish our holiday.
151
00:09:00,800 --> 00:09:03,680
No, no, before that. I said you're
right.
152
00:09:03,720 --> 00:09:06,720
Michael, how do you do the voice
recorder thing on this phone?
153
00:09:08,520 --> 00:09:12,200
Madam, I must insist you change into
something more appropriate.
154
00:09:12,240 --> 00:09:14,920
Go up and get changed. Come on,
Mum, I'll go with you.
155
00:09:14,960 --> 00:09:17,320
Keep trying the doctor.
All right, I will.
156
00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:21,440
We're not here to spoil anybody's
fun,
157
00:09:21,480 --> 00:09:23,520
but standards must be maintained.
158
00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:25,200
Aye, all right.
159
00:09:25,240 --> 00:09:27,960
I'll go and get us a coffee. Oh,
thanks, love.
160
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:34,000
We've had trouble from you before.
161
00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:39,320
One more incident and you'll get a
lifetime ban from all Solana hotels.
162
00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:41,760
That won't make much difference to
me, love.
163
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:44,160
I've only got four weeks to live.
164
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:46,200
Mm-hm.
165
00:10:01,004 --> 00:10:03,404
Are you black?
166
00:10:03,444 --> 00:10:05,164
No.
167
00:10:06,364 --> 00:10:08,364
Are you white? Yes.
168
00:10:08,404 --> 00:10:11,724
Are you in the entertainment
industry? Yes.
169
00:10:11,764 --> 00:10:13,764
Are you a singer?
170
00:10:13,804 --> 00:10:16,004
Er, yes.
171
00:10:16,044 --> 00:10:18,764
Are you Cheryl Cole? No.
172
00:10:19,804 --> 00:10:21,804
Are you over 50? Yes.
173
00:10:21,844 --> 00:10:23,844
Su Pollard. No.
174
00:10:23,884 --> 00:10:26,084
Do you want a clue? Go on.
175
00:10:26,124 --> 00:10:29,684
We once shared a Jacuzzi with this
celebrity,
176
00:10:29,724 --> 00:10:34,804
which resulted in it having to be
drained and industrially cleaned.
177
00:10:34,844 --> 00:10:36,844
Could you narrow it down a bit?
178
00:10:36,884 --> 00:10:41,444
♪ What's it all about, Alfie? ♪
179
00:10:41,484 --> 00:10:44,244
Alfie? You said you were a woman.
180
00:10:44,284 --> 00:10:46,284
I'm Cilla Black.
181
00:10:46,324 --> 00:10:49,804
Of course. I knew I should have
asked,
182
00:10:49,844 --> 00:10:54,004
'Did this celebrity's collar not
match her cuffs?'
183
00:10:54,044 --> 00:10:55,764
Oh, yeah.
184
00:10:55,804 --> 00:10:57,924
Competition this afternoon. Free
entry.
185
00:10:57,964 --> 00:11:00,444
We're gonna have a spit roast.
186
00:11:00,484 --> 00:11:03,124
Sounds like our kind
of competition. Mm.
187
00:11:04,164 --> 00:11:06,164
Mmm.
188
00:11:08,804 --> 00:11:10,804
Anyone fancy going to the beach?
189
00:11:10,844 --> 00:11:12,844
No?
190
00:11:12,884 --> 00:11:16,284
Nobody fancy going to the beach? I'm
not keen on beaches.
191
00:11:16,324 --> 00:11:20,324
I've ended up with sand in some
very strange places over the years.
192
00:11:20,364 --> 00:11:21,964
Oh.
193
00:11:22,004 --> 00:11:25,444
B, do you fancy going to the beach?
The beach sounds nice.
194
00:11:25,484 --> 00:11:27,564
Going with who? With me.
195
00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:31,164
Oh. How can I put this, without
hurting your feelings? No.
196
00:11:31,204 --> 00:11:34,084
You're coming to the spa with me,
aren't you, bubs? What spa?
197
00:11:34,124 --> 00:11:36,124
I sent you a text about it.
198
00:11:36,164 --> 00:11:38,444
What are we doing, texting each
other,
199
00:11:38,484 --> 00:11:40,484
when we're in adjoining rooms?
200
00:11:40,524 --> 00:11:43,404
The world's gone mad. I don't want
to go to a spa.
201
00:11:43,444 --> 00:11:46,924
I've been groped by enough dirty
Spaniards this week, thank you.
202
00:11:46,964 --> 00:11:48,964
There is nothing to do here.
203
00:11:50,044 --> 00:11:53,524
Hombre versus Food competition,
this afternoon, free entry.
204
00:11:53,564 --> 00:11:56,724
Eat a whole pig and win a T-shirt.
205
00:11:56,764 --> 00:11:58,884
That sounds disgusting.
206
00:11:58,924 --> 00:12:01,084
I don't mind a bit of pig, as it
goes.
207
00:12:01,124 --> 00:12:03,124
You wanna be careful.
208
00:12:03,164 --> 00:12:05,724
For you, that's practically
cannibalism.
209
00:12:05,764 --> 00:12:09,044
Oh, what have I done now?
210
00:12:20,924 --> 00:12:22,724
Come on, feel the burn!
211
00:12:22,764 --> 00:12:24,564
The only burn I'm getting is
heartburn.
212
00:12:24,604 --> 00:12:26,764
I knew I shouldn't have had that
black pudding.
213
00:12:26,804 --> 00:12:29,004
Come on! Stronger! Faster! Harder!
214
00:12:29,044 --> 00:12:31,604
Well, if I had a Euro for
every time I've shouted that...
215
00:12:31,644 --> 00:12:33,524
Stop talking, keep going.
216
00:12:33,564 --> 00:12:35,564
I'm gonna die.
217
00:12:35,604 --> 00:12:37,764
I'm gonna die.
218
00:12:37,804 --> 00:12:39,804
Come on, Kenneth!
219
00:12:42,084 --> 00:12:44,684
You've only gone up three
steps.
220
00:12:44,724 --> 00:12:47,764
Three steps? I feel like I've run a
marathon.
221
00:12:47,804 --> 00:12:49,924
Oh! Ooh!
222
00:12:49,964 --> 00:12:52,724
Oh, my God, what was in that
powdered drink you gave me?
223
00:12:52,764 --> 00:12:55,204
It was a protein shake.
224
00:12:55,244 --> 00:12:58,324
Ooh! I've got enough gas in me to
get to Alicante!
225
00:12:58,364 --> 00:13:01,484
Protein's good for you, you should
drink as much of it as possible.
226
00:13:01,524 --> 00:13:04,004
Believe me, love, you're preaching
to the converted.
227
00:13:04,044 --> 00:13:06,244
I was talking about the shake.
228
00:13:06,284 --> 00:13:08,284
Oh, no. No, it's no good.
229
00:13:08,324 --> 00:13:11,524
I'm gonna have to change these
shorts for something more heavy-duty.
230
00:13:11,564 --> 00:13:13,204
I see trouble on the horizon.
231
00:13:13,244 --> 00:13:15,884
Why don't we start with something
more gentle?
232
00:13:15,924 --> 00:13:18,044
How about a jog on the beach?
Perfect.
233
00:13:20,924 --> 00:13:22,564
What are you doing?
234
00:13:22,604 --> 00:13:25,484
Just ringing for a taxi. How else
are we gonna get to the beach?
235
00:13:33,004 --> 00:13:36,284
It's a shame
we can't stay a few more weeks.
236
00:13:36,324 --> 00:13:39,804
It would've been nice to spend my
last few days in the summer.
237
00:13:39,844 --> 00:13:42,084
Do we have to talk about it, Nana?
238
00:13:42,124 --> 00:13:45,044
Sorry, son, I didn't mean to upset
you.
239
00:13:45,084 --> 00:13:48,324
Oh, they're still engaged. Right, I
need to stretch my legs.
240
00:13:48,364 --> 00:13:50,444
Who wants a drink? Keep ringing
them!
241
00:13:50,484 --> 00:13:52,484
Same again, everyone? Lovely.
242
00:13:52,524 --> 00:13:54,884
The doctor might have made a
mistake, Nana.
243
00:13:54,924 --> 00:13:57,044
Oh, I don't think so, son.
244
00:13:57,084 --> 00:13:58,884
They're very clever men.
245
00:13:58,924 --> 00:14:02,004
I've had a good life. I've no
complaints.
246
00:14:03,764 --> 00:14:06,044
Hello?
247
00:14:07,924 --> 00:14:09,924
This is her husband, Mick Garvey.
248
00:14:09,964 --> 00:14:13,084
Yeah, she has been ringing you, but
you've been engaged.
249
00:14:14,364 --> 00:14:17,284
You've been trying to call us back
and we've been engaged.
250
00:14:17,324 --> 00:14:19,324
Right, sorry about that.
251
00:14:19,364 --> 00:14:22,164
Yeah, yeah, I'm free to speak now,
thank you.
252
00:14:23,204 --> 00:14:25,204
They're putting me through to the
doctor.
253
00:14:25,244 --> 00:14:27,244
Do you wanna speak to him?
254
00:14:27,284 --> 00:14:29,284
Hello, Dr Kundu.
255
00:14:29,324 --> 00:14:31,324
Mick Garvey.
256
00:14:31,364 --> 00:14:33,684
Yeah. Thanks for ringing back.
257
00:14:33,724 --> 00:14:36,124
My wife was just wanting
to speak to you...
258
00:14:36,164 --> 00:14:39,444
It sounds lovely, but I don't think
I will today, thank you.
259
00:14:39,484 --> 00:14:42,484
Facial, massage, hot steam.
260
00:14:42,524 --> 00:14:44,524
Maybe a body wrap.
261
00:14:45,764 --> 00:14:48,724
No. You should take a little bit
more care of yourself.
262
00:14:48,764 --> 00:14:51,284
I'm sorry? This isn't pampering.
263
00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:53,324
It's maintenance.
264
00:14:53,364 --> 00:14:55,964
People see facials and massage as a
luxury,
265
00:14:56,004 --> 00:14:59,124
but they need to be part of every
woman's weekly routine.
266
00:14:59,164 --> 00:15:01,164
I'm a beauty therapist.
267
00:15:01,204 --> 00:15:02,884
Yeah, you've said.
268
00:15:02,924 --> 00:15:05,604
Here you go, pet, that's your
drinks. Thanks, love.
269
00:15:05,644 --> 00:15:07,404
Hey, Cyril's looking for you.
270
00:15:07,444 --> 00:15:10,524
Aren't you supposed to be going up
the Old Town with him? Ostia!
271
00:15:10,564 --> 00:15:12,564
Let me know if
you change your mind.
272
00:15:12,604 --> 00:15:15,484
I would love to get
my hands on your T-zone.
273
00:15:15,524 --> 00:15:16,924
Aye.
274
00:15:16,964 --> 00:15:18,964
I bet you would.
275
00:15:19,004 --> 00:15:21,924
So, you're a beauty therapist.
That's right.
276
00:15:21,964 --> 00:15:25,604
Oh, I've often thought I should try
and break into the beauty industry.
277
00:15:25,644 --> 00:15:28,164
Yeah, well,
I recommend you do it at night,
278
00:15:28,204 --> 00:15:30,204
when nobody can see you.
279
00:15:38,884 --> 00:15:41,924
Has he got through? They rang us.
280
00:15:43,084 --> 00:15:47,084
All right, Mikey? Don't fancy
a walk to the beach, do you?
281
00:15:47,124 --> 00:15:49,604
I don't think he will, love, not
today.
282
00:15:50,844 --> 00:15:52,844
Oh. OK.
283
00:15:52,884 --> 00:15:54,884
Sorry to bother you.
284
00:15:54,924 --> 00:15:56,924
Right, thanks very much.
285
00:15:56,964 --> 00:15:58,964
Thank you, Doctor.
286
00:16:01,684 --> 00:16:05,884
Madge, what can you remember about
the conversation with Dr Kundu,
287
00:16:05,924 --> 00:16:08,124
when he told you
you had six months to live?
288
00:16:08,164 --> 00:16:12,124
What do you mean? I mean, can you
remember anything unusual
289
00:16:12,164 --> 00:16:15,204
about the manner in which he gave
you this devastating news?
290
00:16:15,244 --> 00:16:18,364
I don't know what you're talking
about. Well, let's put it this way.
291
00:16:18,404 --> 00:16:21,044
If a doctor was telling me
I had six months to live,
292
00:16:21,084 --> 00:16:24,844
I assume he'd be diplomatic,
well-mannered, friendly even...
293
00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:27,484
Oh, no. He was an absolute bastard,
294
00:16:27,524 --> 00:16:29,884
shouting and screaming at me.
295
00:16:29,924 --> 00:16:32,284
He couldn't get me out of his office
soon enough.
296
00:16:32,324 --> 00:16:33,924
And you've no idea why?
297
00:16:33,964 --> 00:16:37,404
I've stopped trying to understand
people like that a long time ago.
298
00:16:37,444 --> 00:16:40,164
Well, I've just spoken to Dr Kundu
and,
299
00:16:40,204 --> 00:16:42,004
even though it was over five months
ago,
300
00:16:42,044 --> 00:16:44,524
he had no trouble remembering when
you went to see him.
301
00:16:44,564 --> 00:16:48,444
Mick, get to the point. The point is
your mother has been banned
302
00:16:48,484 --> 00:16:51,644
from seeing every doctor in the
health centre for various reasons,
303
00:16:51,684 --> 00:16:53,884
ranging from racism to threatening
behaviour.
304
00:16:53,924 --> 00:16:55,724
I'm not a racialist.
305
00:16:55,764 --> 00:16:58,604
I've got everything Winifred Atwell
ever recorded.
306
00:16:58,644 --> 00:17:00,804
Dr Kundu was the only one who'd see
you.
307
00:17:00,844 --> 00:17:04,124
When he found out you'd written to
the Manchester Evening News,
308
00:17:04,164 --> 00:17:06,604
just because you suspected he had a
drink problem,
309
00:17:06,644 --> 00:17:08,404
he banned you from the health
centre.
310
00:17:08,444 --> 00:17:13,204
Yes and, after all that, he then
told me I had six months to live.
311
00:17:13,244 --> 00:17:17,884
Ha! He even said he wished I'd be
dead sooner.
312
00:17:17,924 --> 00:17:20,564
He told you,
you had six months to LEAVE!
313
00:17:20,604 --> 00:17:22,764
When people are banned from the
health centre,
314
00:17:22,804 --> 00:17:24,804
they're given time to find another
doctor.
315
00:17:24,844 --> 00:17:29,724
He said he wished he could get rid
of you sooner, but he had to give
you six months to LEAVE.
316
00:17:31,124 --> 00:17:33,604
Six months to leave?
317
00:17:34,724 --> 00:17:36,724
Not six months to live?
318
00:17:36,764 --> 00:17:38,364
Yes.
319
00:17:40,484 --> 00:17:42,964
Well, how am I supposed
to understand him,
320
00:17:43,004 --> 00:17:45,004
with that bloody accent?
321
00:17:45,044 --> 00:17:47,044
I'm off to the beach.
322
00:17:47,084 --> 00:17:49,764
Take your phone.
323
00:17:49,804 --> 00:17:53,484
Mother, did you not think
to ask for a few more details?
324
00:17:53,524 --> 00:17:58,164
He's not a real doctor, his wife
used to be married to a vicar.
325
00:17:58,204 --> 00:18:00,084
What's that got to do
with anything?
326
00:18:00,124 --> 00:18:05,404
Ha! So, I've been sitting here, not
smoking, keeping out of the sun,
327
00:18:05,444 --> 00:18:09,084
because my doctor can hardly
string a sentence together.
328
00:18:09,124 --> 00:18:14,044
They should all be put up
against a wall and shot!
329
00:18:16,244 --> 00:18:19,124
Where are you off to now? To get
some bloody cigs!
330
00:18:22,244 --> 00:18:24,244
I don't believe it.
331
00:18:24,284 --> 00:18:26,684
Well, one good thing
has come out of all of this.
332
00:18:26,724 --> 00:18:29,324
What's that? Out the way! Move!
333
00:18:29,364 --> 00:18:31,364
Madge is back.
334
00:18:45,627 --> 00:18:47,527
Why am I here?
335
00:18:47,564 --> 00:18:50,244
You, my friend, are here to carry
the pig?
336
00:18:50,284 --> 00:18:53,084
So why are you here? I am here to
pay for the pig.
337
00:18:53,124 --> 00:18:55,884
Why did you not just give me
the 200 Euros for the pig?
338
00:18:55,924 --> 00:18:59,164
Because, young man, armed with the
negotiating skills of
339
00:18:59,204 --> 00:19:02,124
a blind, drunken goat, you would've
paid 200 Euros.
340
00:19:03,204 --> 00:19:05,204
I thought you wanted the pig, not a
goat.
341
00:19:05,244 --> 00:19:07,004
I'm about to come out of that shop,
342
00:19:07,044 --> 00:19:09,684
having paid only 50 Euros for said
pig.
343
00:19:09,724 --> 00:19:12,284
The price is 200. How you pay 50?
344
00:19:12,324 --> 00:19:14,724
Stand back, my friend, watch and
learn,
345
00:19:14,764 --> 00:19:17,484
as the master goes to work.
346
00:19:20,084 --> 00:19:22,884
Excuse me, you see that pig in the
window?
347
00:19:22,924 --> 00:19:26,044
Well, I'll give you 20 Euros. No?
All right, 30?
348
00:19:27,124 --> 00:19:29,284
I'll give you the... Thank you.
349
00:19:29,324 --> 00:19:32,404
He won't move on
the price of the pig.
350
00:19:32,444 --> 00:19:34,444
Come on, I've got another idea.
351
00:19:41,084 --> 00:19:43,444
What are we doing here? This is
disgusting.
352
00:19:43,484 --> 00:19:45,164
Take it from someone who knows:
353
00:19:45,204 --> 00:19:48,284
fresh meat guidelines are
ludicrously stringent.
354
00:19:48,324 --> 00:19:52,924
If this meat was thrown away today,
there is nothing wrong with it,
so long as it's cooked today.
355
00:19:52,964 --> 00:19:55,284
You want us to cook meat that has
been thrown away?
356
00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:59,484
Bingo!
357
00:20:07,044 --> 00:20:09,484
Looks just the job, that.
358
00:20:10,684 --> 00:20:13,444
Yes. You don't eat pig?
359
00:20:13,484 --> 00:20:17,004
I will not be eating this one,
I saw where it came from.
360
00:20:17,044 --> 00:20:19,884
Yeah, you can get emotionally
attached to 'em,
361
00:20:19,924 --> 00:20:22,044
if you've seen 'em running about,
and that.
362
00:20:22,084 --> 00:20:25,044
I was the same when I went to see
the film Winnie The Pooh.
363
00:20:25,084 --> 00:20:27,404
You never ate pooh again?
364
00:20:28,524 --> 00:20:32,644
Piglet. Piglet was one of the
characters in Winnie The Pooh.
365
00:20:32,684 --> 00:20:35,924
Honestly, you try and have a decent
conversation...
366
00:20:45,084 --> 00:20:48,884
Hiya. I've changed my mind, if you
still fancy going.
367
00:20:50,044 --> 00:20:53,564
To the spa, that is. Ooh! You don't
need to ask me twice.
368
00:20:53,604 --> 00:20:56,084
Ooh, are you coming, bubs? Girls'
day out?
369
00:20:56,124 --> 00:20:58,124
No, I'm sunbathing.
370
00:20:58,164 --> 00:21:00,564
Oh, OK, my sweet pea.
371
00:21:00,604 --> 00:21:02,684
Mwah!
372
00:21:07,924 --> 00:21:09,924
You don't know how much it is, do
you?
373
00:21:09,964 --> 00:21:12,124
My treat, Jan. Come on.
374
00:21:12,164 --> 00:21:15,604
Here, do you know what that barman
just said to me?
375
00:21:15,644 --> 00:21:17,244
No.
376
00:21:17,284 --> 00:21:19,964
What's going on, am I invisible or
what?
377
00:21:20,004 --> 00:21:22,244
Sorry, pal, I didn't see you there.
378
00:21:40,364 --> 00:21:43,324
Come on, Kenneth, no pain, no gain.
379
00:21:43,364 --> 00:21:45,364
Oh, I can't breathe.
380
00:21:45,404 --> 00:21:47,404
Work through the pain.
381
00:21:47,444 --> 00:21:49,444
Sorry, I...
382
00:21:57,924 --> 00:21:59,924
That's better.
383
00:22:04,884 --> 00:22:06,684
This is more like it.
384
00:22:08,564 --> 00:22:11,964
No, my friend, THAT is more like it.
385
00:22:14,724 --> 00:22:17,324
Hola. Pedalo for you today?
386
00:22:17,364 --> 00:22:20,484
Any freebies, going? No, sorry?
387
00:22:20,524 --> 00:22:22,524
And what about the pedalos?
388
00:22:26,244 --> 00:22:30,524
Listen, we'd love to hire a pedalo,
but my mate, he's scared of water.
389
00:22:30,564 --> 00:22:32,164
He can't swim - I can swim.
390
00:22:32,204 --> 00:22:33,804
Argh!
391
00:22:33,844 --> 00:22:35,844
And, well, he's a bit nervous.
392
00:22:35,884 --> 00:22:39,164
Maybe, if you could join us, you
know, safety in numbers.
393
00:22:39,204 --> 00:22:41,204
I'm not nervous.
394
00:22:43,284 --> 00:22:46,444
He always says that when he's
nervous. Wait here.
395
00:22:46,484 --> 00:22:49,404
What did you say that for? Don't
screw this up, Mikey.
396
00:22:49,444 --> 00:22:51,244
I know what I'm doing.
397
00:22:53,404 --> 00:22:57,364
Well, if you have someone who
cannot swim, I shall come with you.
398
00:23:00,604 --> 00:23:02,604
What did I tell you?
399
00:23:18,969 --> 00:23:21,804
I bet you could get used to this,
couldn't you, Jan?
400
00:23:21,884 --> 00:23:24,204
That massage was nice.
401
00:23:24,244 --> 00:23:26,524
Mm. Mine was built like
Schwarzenegger.
402
00:23:26,564 --> 00:23:30,644
His hands were going everywhere.
Really? Mm.
403
00:23:30,684 --> 00:23:34,884
I had this massive German woman called
Ingrid who smelled like window putty.
404
00:23:34,924 --> 00:23:36,684
Mine was very masculine.
405
00:23:36,724 --> 00:23:39,724
Big muscles, huge moustache.
406
00:23:39,764 --> 00:23:41,764
Sounds a bit like Ingrid.
407
00:23:41,804 --> 00:23:44,724
But it's important to look after
ourselves at our age.
408
00:23:44,764 --> 00:23:48,804
I say our age, I bet
you're not that much older than me.
409
00:23:49,924 --> 00:23:51,324
No.
410
00:23:51,364 --> 00:23:53,364
It's difficult though.
411
00:23:53,404 --> 00:23:55,004
I have a PT at home.
412
00:23:55,044 --> 00:23:57,044
Oh, mine's getting worse.
413
00:23:57,084 --> 00:23:59,284
I'm forever snapping at the kids.
414
00:23:59,324 --> 00:24:02,724
And, two weeks out of every month,
I can't get my jeans on.
415
00:24:03,844 --> 00:24:06,244
What? Pre-menstrual tension.
416
00:24:07,404 --> 00:24:09,404
Is that not what you meant?
417
00:24:09,444 --> 00:24:13,084
PT - personal trainer, for the gym.
418
00:24:13,124 --> 00:24:14,804
Oh, sorry.
419
00:24:14,844 --> 00:24:17,964
His name's Chad. He's an American
and 32.
420
00:24:18,004 --> 00:24:21,484
£70 an hour but, my God,
he is worth every penny.
421
00:24:21,524 --> 00:24:23,524
£70 an hour?
422
00:24:23,564 --> 00:24:25,164
Jesus!
423
00:24:25,204 --> 00:24:29,204
I'd want him to be building me an extension
at the same time for that kind of money.
424
00:24:29,244 --> 00:24:32,484
Believe me, I have tried to budget,
but I don't know how you do it.
425
00:24:32,524 --> 00:24:35,404
But I see you've got that lovely
thing my mother had.
426
00:24:35,444 --> 00:24:39,204
You don't care how you look as long
as your kids are turned out nice.
427
00:24:39,244 --> 00:24:41,244
I respect you for that.
428
00:24:42,604 --> 00:24:45,204
I think I'm gonna have a shower and
get dressed.
429
00:24:45,244 --> 00:24:49,244
OK, Jan. I might have a cheeky five
minutes in the steam room,
430
00:24:49,284 --> 00:24:51,284
but I will see you
in the reception.
431
00:24:51,324 --> 00:24:53,684
Yeah. These floors are dead slippy.
432
00:24:53,724 --> 00:24:55,684
Mind you don't fall and break your
neck.
433
00:24:55,724 --> 00:24:57,724
Cheers, Jan.
434
00:24:57,764 --> 00:24:59,564
And it's Janice.
435
00:25:00,684 --> 00:25:04,484
I cannot close your account until
your friend has finished her treatments.
436
00:25:04,524 --> 00:25:07,684
Would you just like to pay for your
treatments, Mrs Gravy?
437
00:25:07,724 --> 00:25:09,724
It's Garvey.
438
00:25:09,764 --> 00:25:11,764
How much is it?
439
00:25:11,804 --> 00:25:16,204
Your personal invoice comes to 210
Euros.
440
00:25:18,924 --> 00:25:21,324
I think I'll wait for my friend.
441
00:25:21,364 --> 00:25:23,764
No problem. Please, take a seat.
442
00:25:36,124 --> 00:25:38,604
Come on now, ladies and gentlemen.
443
00:25:38,644 --> 00:25:41,044
We have space for one more
competitor.
444
00:25:41,084 --> 00:25:42,884
The rules are very simple.
445
00:25:42,924 --> 00:25:44,724
All you have to do is eat.
446
00:25:44,764 --> 00:25:46,684
No takers?
447
00:25:46,724 --> 00:25:48,324
There.
448
00:25:48,364 --> 00:25:51,084
Oh, thank you, sir. Step right this
way.
449
00:25:51,124 --> 00:25:53,724
Bloody hell, I think
we should have got a bigger pig.
450
00:25:53,764 --> 00:25:57,524
We may as well all forget it. Jimmy
Five Bellies has got it in the bag.
451
00:25:58,764 --> 00:26:00,404
Hiya.
452
00:26:00,444 --> 00:26:02,204
Look at the state of you two.
453
00:26:02,244 --> 00:26:05,124
You look as if you couldn't manage a
mouthful each. I'm sorry?
454
00:26:05,164 --> 00:26:09,124
That pig is going down. Down my
throat.
455
00:26:09,164 --> 00:26:11,324
You know-hopers
haven't got a chance.
456
00:26:11,364 --> 00:26:13,884
All right, Donald, calm down, it's
only a bit of fun.
457
00:26:13,924 --> 00:26:17,164
Oh, I don't mean to be rude, this is
just jive talk.
458
00:26:17,204 --> 00:26:19,004
All big fighters do it before a
match.
459
00:26:19,044 --> 00:26:22,124
You're eating a plate of pork, not
going 12 rounds with Mike Tyson.
460
00:26:22,164 --> 00:26:24,164
Bring on the meat!
461
00:26:24,204 --> 00:26:26,804
Are you sure you wanna do this, B?
462
00:26:26,844 --> 00:26:29,524
I can drink or eat
any man under the table.
463
00:26:29,564 --> 00:26:31,844
There you go. She's got the idea.
464
00:26:31,884 --> 00:26:35,484
Your mother wouldn't know a plate of
pork if it hit her in the face.
465
00:26:35,524 --> 00:26:37,724
Are you talking about my family?
Sorry.
466
00:26:37,764 --> 00:26:40,044
The rules are very simple.
467
00:26:40,084 --> 00:26:42,164
Eat as much pig as you can.
468
00:26:42,204 --> 00:26:43,964
Mind the crackling.
469
00:26:44,004 --> 00:26:47,444
There's no runners up, it's winner
takes all.
470
00:26:47,484 --> 00:26:51,324
OK, we are now full to capacity.
471
00:26:51,364 --> 00:26:53,164
Very full.
472
00:26:54,364 --> 00:26:57,604
Gentlemen, and lady, raise your
forks.
473
00:26:58,964 --> 00:27:01,884
Three, two, one, eat!
474
00:27:20,284 --> 00:27:22,404
Tiger, you need to wear your life
vest.
475
00:27:22,444 --> 00:27:25,324
Come on, let's get this bitch
steaming.
476
00:27:25,364 --> 00:27:27,964
Oh, I don't mean you, I mean the
pedalo.
477
00:27:28,004 --> 00:27:31,004
If Elena says you should wear your
life vest, you should wear it.
478
00:27:31,044 --> 00:27:33,044
Aw, listen to him.
479
00:27:33,084 --> 00:27:35,004
I told you he gets nervous around
water.
480
00:27:35,044 --> 00:27:37,764
I'm not nervous, I'm just saying if
we're going far out,
481
00:27:37,804 --> 00:27:39,804
then I think you should put it on.
482
00:27:40,924 --> 00:27:42,524
Just keep pedalling, mate.
483
00:27:42,564 --> 00:27:46,684
The only thing to worry about is
what to do with yourself when me and
Elena go for a swim.
484
00:27:58,484 --> 00:28:01,484
Where have you been? You said you
were gonna be five minutes.
485
00:28:01,524 --> 00:28:04,484
Sorry, Jan, I nodded off in the
steam room.
486
00:28:04,524 --> 00:28:06,644
Mind you, look at the results.
487
00:28:06,684 --> 00:28:10,404
I know I shouldn't say it myself,
but my skin looks amazing.
488
00:28:11,724 --> 00:28:13,844
I'd like to settle our bill, thank
you.
489
00:28:13,884 --> 00:28:16,924
The total for both of you is 460
Euros.
490
00:28:16,964 --> 00:28:19,564
Worth every penny. Janice.
491
00:28:19,604 --> 00:28:21,484
My name's Janice.
492
00:28:21,524 --> 00:28:23,244
If I can get your name right,
Tonya,
493
00:28:23,284 --> 00:28:24,964
I'm sure you can manage 'Janice'.
494
00:28:25,004 --> 00:28:28,684
Oh, dear. I think someone should
have spent a few more minutes
495
00:28:28,724 --> 00:28:30,804
in the hydrotherapy
relaxation tank.
496
00:28:30,844 --> 00:28:33,924
Erm... Everything all right?
497
00:28:33,964 --> 00:28:35,964
Sorry, your card has broken.
498
00:28:36,004 --> 00:28:38,924
Broken? Oh, my God! Look at that.
499
00:28:38,964 --> 00:28:41,804
Well, I did give it quite a
hammering before I came out here.
500
00:28:41,844 --> 00:28:44,124
You haven't got a card on you, have
you, Jan?
501
00:28:44,164 --> 00:28:47,164
Sorry, Janice? That's the only one
I brought with me.
502
00:28:47,204 --> 00:28:49,244
Can't we just come back
with another card?
503
00:28:49,284 --> 00:28:51,804
Sorry. I don't know if this card's
gonna work.
504
00:28:51,844 --> 00:28:53,924
I don't know what the overdraught
is.
505
00:28:53,964 --> 00:28:55,724
We can settle up later, can't we?
506
00:28:55,764 --> 00:28:57,364
Your secret number, please.
507
00:28:58,724 --> 00:29:01,124
I tell you what,
I'll get next time.
508
00:29:01,164 --> 00:29:03,804
I can't wait for
another deep-tissue massage.
509
00:29:03,844 --> 00:29:06,564
I'll see you outside.
It's getting a bit warm in here.
510
00:29:06,604 --> 00:29:08,284
Thank you, Mrs Gravy.
511
00:29:08,324 --> 00:29:10,324
That has gone through just fine.
512
00:29:17,964 --> 00:29:20,564
17, 18,
513
00:29:20,604 --> 00:29:22,604
19...
514
00:29:23,684 --> 00:29:28,004
You've not been doing 'em! Liam,
love, I'm absolutely shagged out.
515
00:29:28,044 --> 00:29:29,844
Can we go back now? No!
516
00:29:29,884 --> 00:29:33,604
You wanted to get fit and the only way to do
that is to push through the pain barrier.
517
00:29:33,644 --> 00:29:36,364
I've already nearly pushed through
once, in these shorts.
518
00:29:36,404 --> 00:29:38,884
That protein drink should carry a
health warning,
519
00:29:38,924 --> 00:29:41,004
and washing instructions, at least.
520
00:29:41,044 --> 00:29:44,444
Kenneth, you drink too much, you
smoke too much, you eat too much.
521
00:29:44,484 --> 00:29:47,284
How do you think you can go on like
this? Who said I eat too much?
522
00:29:47,324 --> 00:29:51,644
We have to go to Albir to the all-you-can-eat
restaurant, as you've been banned from Benidorm.
523
00:29:51,684 --> 00:29:53,764
That is not true. I'm not banned
from Mr Wu's.
524
00:29:53,804 --> 00:29:56,844
They just ask that I bring my own
reinforced chair to sit on.
525
00:29:56,884 --> 00:30:01,564
You're asked to bring a chair to an
all-you-can-eat restaurant because
you break their furniture.
526
00:30:01,604 --> 00:30:04,364
You can't be happy with that.
Happy? I'm livid.
527
00:30:04,404 --> 00:30:06,364
Do you know how much that chair
weighs?
528
00:30:06,404 --> 00:30:09,604
I can't carry that all round town
with me. Listen to yourself.
529
00:30:09,644 --> 00:30:11,844
Is this the person you want to be?
530
00:30:11,884 --> 00:30:13,884
No, of course it's not,
531
00:30:13,924 --> 00:30:16,684
but I've not done this exercise
thing before.
532
00:30:16,724 --> 00:30:18,324
I'm finding it really difficult.
533
00:30:18,364 --> 00:30:21,244
A journey of 1,000 miles starts
with one step.
534
00:30:21,284 --> 00:30:23,124
1,000 miles? Are you taking the
piss?
535
00:30:23,164 --> 00:30:25,964
I'm supposed to meet Derek and Mark
in the Old Town at eight.
536
00:30:26,004 --> 00:30:29,044
It's just a saying. It means things
might be difficult now
537
00:30:29,084 --> 00:30:31,164
but, if we do a little bit every
day...
538
00:30:32,444 --> 00:30:34,444
Come on, then. What's next?
539
00:30:34,484 --> 00:30:36,484
Power-walk up to the cross.
540
00:30:36,524 --> 00:30:39,684
Up to the cross? Are you joking?
That'll kill me!
541
00:30:39,724 --> 00:30:42,764
There's a great view down onto the
nudist beach from there.
542
00:30:42,804 --> 00:30:44,444
Ooh, you little swine.
543
00:30:44,484 --> 00:30:46,484
You know me far too well.
544
00:30:46,524 --> 00:30:48,524
Come on, then.
545
00:30:52,124 --> 00:30:54,524
I'm coming.
546
00:31:03,844 --> 00:31:05,844
Oh, come on, shovel it in.
547
00:31:05,884 --> 00:31:08,604
I've seen you eat more at breakfast.
Will you shut up?
548
00:31:08,644 --> 00:31:10,724
Right, that's me done.
549
00:31:10,764 --> 00:31:15,804
I've got pig fatigue. Don't eat it
if you can't face it, B.
550
00:31:15,844 --> 00:31:17,724
I'm on my second plate,
lightweight.
551
00:31:17,764 --> 00:31:19,484
Go on, girl.
552
00:31:19,524 --> 00:31:23,164
Watch that one. Watch her.
She's shoving it down her socks.
553
00:31:23,204 --> 00:31:26,004
I know all the tricks.
You can't fool me.
554
00:31:26,044 --> 00:31:27,924
I'm not wearing socks, you silly
cow.
555
00:31:27,964 --> 00:31:30,004
That's my mother-in-law you're
talking to.
556
00:31:30,044 --> 00:31:32,924
You're saying she's not a silly
cow?! Fair point well made.
557
00:31:32,964 --> 00:31:36,564
So we're one down and seven
remaining.
558
00:31:36,604 --> 00:31:38,804
Ooh, you're back. Fancy a bit of
pork?
559
00:31:38,844 --> 00:31:40,444
No, I don't.
560
00:31:40,484 --> 00:31:42,484
I thought you went to a health spa?
561
00:31:42,524 --> 00:31:44,164
You look shocking. Thanks!
562
00:31:44,204 --> 00:31:46,964
You should ask for your money back.
Don't worry.
563
00:31:48,044 --> 00:31:49,764
I intend to.
564
00:32:05,924 --> 00:32:09,044
I think we should turn back.
We are passed the safety marker.
565
00:32:09,084 --> 00:32:12,124
We need to turn back. But, first, I
need to cool off.
566
00:32:12,164 --> 00:32:15,604
Tiger, the water is too deep here.
You must put on your life vest.
567
00:32:15,644 --> 00:32:19,284
I could lose my job if my uncle comes back
and sees how far we are out here.
568
00:32:19,324 --> 00:32:21,324
Wooo!
569
00:32:21,364 --> 00:32:23,964
Mate, stop messing around.
570
00:32:24,004 --> 00:32:27,204
We're too far out. Come on, Elena,
it's beautiful.
571
00:32:27,244 --> 00:32:28,924
Why is your friend such an asshole?
572
00:32:28,964 --> 00:32:31,604
I've been trying to figure that one
out for the last week.
573
00:32:35,364 --> 00:32:37,604
Oh, my God. Michael, what is wrong?
574
00:32:37,644 --> 00:32:39,364
I think I just saw something.
575
00:32:39,404 --> 00:32:41,404
What? What did you see, Michael?
576
00:32:41,444 --> 00:32:43,644
I think I saw a shark. A shark?!
577
00:32:43,684 --> 00:32:46,684
There are no sharks in the
Mediterranean.
578
00:32:46,724 --> 00:32:49,004
Well, not in this part, it'll be a
dolphin.
579
00:32:49,044 --> 00:32:51,044
I don't think it was.
580
00:32:51,084 --> 00:32:54,684
Mate, I think you should come back,
there's something in the water!
581
00:32:54,724 --> 00:32:57,764
What? I can't hear you. There's
something in the water.
582
00:32:57,804 --> 00:33:00,284
There's something in the water!
583
00:33:00,324 --> 00:33:02,924
You can't get me with that
one, mate.
584
00:33:05,404 --> 00:33:08,204
Oh! Oh, my God!
585
00:33:08,244 --> 00:33:10,724
Oh, my God! Help me! I'm gonna die!
586
00:33:10,764 --> 00:33:14,004
Don't panic, it's only a dolphin.
Oh, my goodness.
587
00:33:14,044 --> 00:33:16,444
What's wrong? Help me! That is not
a dolphin!
588
00:33:16,484 --> 00:33:18,804
I'm gonna die! Help me! Help!
589
00:33:22,844 --> 00:33:24,844
What are you doing, Michael?
590
00:33:24,884 --> 00:33:26,484
Michael!
591
00:33:26,524 --> 00:33:28,364
Stop thrashing about, you dick!
592
00:33:28,404 --> 00:33:30,404
Michael, hurry!
593
00:33:33,884 --> 00:33:35,884
Quickly!
594
00:33:40,044 --> 00:33:42,044
Get hold of him!
595
00:33:50,044 --> 00:33:52,844
What is wrong with you? Oh, my God!
596
00:33:52,884 --> 00:33:54,644
You ought to see your faces!
597
00:33:54,684 --> 00:33:56,604
Oh, man, that was class!
598
00:33:56,644 --> 00:33:58,444
My mate nearly had a heart attack.
599
00:34:01,564 --> 00:34:03,564
Oh, please, stop.
600
00:34:05,644 --> 00:34:07,404
I can't breathe.
601
00:34:08,444 --> 00:34:10,284
Come on, let's get back.
602
00:34:10,324 --> 00:34:14,084
Here, mate, I don't suppose I can
get a lift back, can I? No.
603
00:34:14,124 --> 00:34:16,764
I'm knackered. You're joking,
aren't you? You can swim.
604
00:34:16,804 --> 00:34:18,804
Oi, mate! Mate!
605
00:34:21,324 --> 00:34:23,324
Here, mate!
606
00:34:25,484 --> 00:34:27,484
Here, mate! Oi!
607
00:34:31,804 --> 00:34:33,884
Come on, Donald.
608
00:34:33,924 --> 00:34:37,524
If your arms are tiring, put your
face in your plate.
609
00:34:40,204 --> 00:34:42,204
How's it all going?
610
00:34:42,244 --> 00:34:45,324
So far, so good. No fatalities yet.
611
00:34:45,364 --> 00:34:48,884
Although, if our friend in
the pink keeps this up,
612
00:34:48,924 --> 00:34:52,124
we may have to cover the pool, to
get the Air Ambulance in.
613
00:34:53,604 --> 00:34:55,604
OK, people time is up.
614
00:34:55,644 --> 00:35:00,404
That is the end of the Solana's
annual Hombre Vs Food competition.
615
00:35:00,444 --> 00:35:04,084
And we have a winner. Oh!
616
00:35:04,124 --> 00:35:06,124
Mateo, get the prize!
617
00:35:08,004 --> 00:35:12,684
That's not fair. He's obviously a
professional competitive eater.
618
00:35:12,724 --> 00:35:15,524
There you go. Ah!
619
00:35:15,564 --> 00:35:18,404
Don't worry, they're quite stretchy
once you get them on.
620
00:35:18,444 --> 00:35:24,204
Thank you. May I remind you that
Solana T-shirts are available to
purchase in reception,
621
00:35:24,244 --> 00:35:26,244
between the hours...
622
00:35:26,284 --> 00:35:29,844
Oh, dear. I think someone might need
a little siesta.
623
00:35:30,924 --> 00:35:35,124
As I was saying, T-shirts of the
Solana or Neptune are available -
624
00:35:35,164 --> 00:35:37,164
Ooh!
625
00:35:37,204 --> 00:35:39,764
Stand back, everyone!
626
00:35:39,804 --> 00:35:41,524
He's gonna blow!
627
00:35:41,564 --> 00:35:43,164
Oh, dear.
628
00:35:43,204 --> 00:35:46,924
It seems there's a fine line
between prize winning and piggery.
629
00:35:46,964 --> 00:35:49,244
A little lesson for us all there, I
think.
630
00:35:51,324 --> 00:35:53,324
Are you all right?
631
00:35:55,404 --> 00:35:57,404
Oh, God.
632
00:36:06,444 --> 00:36:09,524
It's the pig, you've not cooked it
for long enough.
633
00:36:09,564 --> 00:36:11,684
Hey, I know how to cook a pig.
634
00:36:11,724 --> 00:36:14,964
If Squirrel hadn't taken it for
free out of the rubbish bin,
635
00:36:15,004 --> 00:36:17,004
they would be OK.
636
00:36:17,044 --> 00:36:19,684
Cyril, is this true?
637
00:36:19,724 --> 00:36:21,524
It should be fine.
638
00:36:21,564 --> 00:36:24,324
I've been eating food out of bins
for weeks in Benidorm.
639
00:36:24,364 --> 00:36:26,364
There's nothing wrong with me.
640
00:36:26,404 --> 00:36:28,484
Lesley, ring a doctor.
641
00:36:28,524 --> 00:36:30,564
Mateo, move that pig.
642
00:36:30,604 --> 00:36:34,844
And anyone who's eaten that pork,
keep out of the pool.
643
00:36:43,164 --> 00:36:45,164
I'm all right. I'm all right.
644
00:36:46,244 --> 00:36:48,884
I knew it wasn't a real shark. We
must get you to a doctor.
645
00:36:48,924 --> 00:36:51,204
I think you are in shock.
I said I'm fine.
646
00:36:52,324 --> 00:36:54,324
Where's that dick?
647
00:36:54,364 --> 00:36:56,364
I'm gonna knock him out!
648
00:36:56,404 --> 00:36:58,404
Let's just go. Come here, you!
649
00:36:58,444 --> 00:37:00,964
Calm down, big fella, it was just a
joke.
650
00:37:01,004 --> 00:37:03,524
Just a joke? You know what your
problem is, don't you?
651
00:37:03,564 --> 00:37:05,564
You've got no sense of humour.
652
00:37:05,604 --> 00:37:09,004
You'll have no sense of smell, when
I spread your nose across your face.
653
00:37:12,724 --> 00:37:15,204
Michael, are you OK?
654
00:37:16,564 --> 00:37:19,204
Come on, let's go. I said let's go.
655
00:37:23,804 --> 00:37:26,324
What's wrong with you? Why are we
going?
656
00:37:27,564 --> 00:37:29,564
She was fit.
657
00:37:46,393 --> 00:37:50,093
Right. Well,
I can't track down Cyril anywhere.
658
00:37:50,133 --> 00:37:54,653
I suppose it's understandable, if
he's lying low. Lying low?
659
00:37:54,693 --> 00:37:57,893
He should be strung up from the
nearest palm tree for what he's done.
660
00:37:57,933 --> 00:38:00,413
Please, Lesley, let's not get
hysterical.
661
00:38:00,453 --> 00:38:03,733
What if it was me who got the
smelly pig, and not Squirrel, huh?
662
00:38:03,773 --> 00:38:06,853
Would I be OK to lie on the low for
a while? No.
663
00:38:06,893 --> 00:38:08,613
I would be carrying the sack.
664
00:38:08,653 --> 00:38:10,453
I couldn't have put it better
myself.
665
00:38:11,813 --> 00:38:13,813
I could've done,
but I know what you mean.
666
00:38:13,853 --> 00:38:17,933
Look, I agree, Mr Babcock has put us
in a very tricky situation.
667
00:38:17,973 --> 00:38:22,733
And, when head office find out... my
job will be on the line.
668
00:38:23,853 --> 00:38:26,973
Somebody has to take responsibility
for this.
669
00:38:28,013 --> 00:38:31,093
But, I'm sorry, that person is not
going to be Squirrel -
670
00:38:31,133 --> 00:38:32,733
I mean Cyril.
671
00:38:32,773 --> 00:38:35,613
I make no apologies, I'm going to be
straight with you.
672
00:38:35,653 --> 00:38:38,533
I don't normally talk about my
personal life,
673
00:38:38,573 --> 00:38:41,773
but I've let that man walk out of my
life twice now,
674
00:38:41,813 --> 00:38:45,053
and I'm not going to let it happen a
third time.
675
00:38:46,093 --> 00:38:48,453
Maybe we could blame it on Jesus.
676
00:38:48,493 --> 00:38:50,493
What, you mean, like an act of God?
677
00:38:50,533 --> 00:38:54,133
No, man, Jesus, the soft lad that
works in maintenance.
678
00:38:54,173 --> 00:38:56,173
Khay-zoos. Bless you.
679
00:38:57,293 --> 00:39:00,413
I will be taking full responsibility
for this incident.
680
00:39:00,453 --> 00:39:04,493
I'll make out a full report and
E-mail it to head office now.
681
00:39:06,493 --> 00:39:08,853
If they get rid of me, I'll go...
682
00:39:11,053 --> 00:39:13,053
but at least I won't go alone.
683
00:39:24,493 --> 00:39:27,493
♪ Love letters straight
684
00:39:27,533 --> 00:39:31,613
♪ From your heart
685
00:39:35,973 --> 00:39:39,173
♪ Keep us so near
686
00:39:39,213 --> 00:39:43,213
♪ While apart ♪
687
00:39:45,573 --> 00:39:48,973
♪ Cos I'm having a good time,
having a good time
688
00:39:49,013 --> 00:39:52,733
♪ I'm a shooting star, leaping
through the sky like a tiger
689
00:39:52,773 --> 00:39:56,093
♪ Defying the laws of gravity...
690
00:39:56,133 --> 00:39:58,133
Just tell me how much it was.
691
00:39:58,173 --> 00:40:00,773
I'm gonna find out when the
statement comes in.
692
00:40:00,813 --> 00:40:03,853
It doesn't matter because I'm going
to get the money back anyway.
693
00:40:03,893 --> 00:40:07,333
If you're gonna get the money back,
why don't you just...?
694
00:40:07,373 --> 00:40:08,973
Oh, God, here we go again.
695
00:40:09,013 --> 00:40:13,293
♪ 200 degrees, that's why
they call me Mr Fahrenheit
696
00:40:13,333 --> 00:40:15,693
♪ I'm travelling at
the speed of light
697
00:40:15,733 --> 00:40:19,013
♪ I wanna make a supersonic man
out of you...
698
00:40:19,053 --> 00:40:21,653
It's a good job you didn't have any
of that pork, Mam.
699
00:40:21,693 --> 00:40:24,093
You'd have been crippled, with your
funny stomach.
700
00:40:24,133 --> 00:40:28,093
I never go near pork. Disgusting
animals. You have bacon.
701
00:40:28,133 --> 00:40:31,893
Bacon doesn't count. You've got to
have bacon with your breakfast.
702
00:40:31,933 --> 00:40:34,773
And you like gammon. Aye, I like a
bit of gammon.
703
00:40:34,813 --> 00:40:37,293
And what about pork sausages?
704
00:40:37,333 --> 00:40:38,933
Well, yeah.
705
00:40:38,973 --> 00:40:42,293
Apart from bacon, gammon and
sausages.
706
00:40:42,333 --> 00:40:45,533
Apart from those, I wouldn't go
anywhere near pork.
707
00:40:48,173 --> 00:40:50,373
You've been quiet. How was the
beach?
708
00:40:50,413 --> 00:40:52,413
Yeah, it was all right.
709
00:40:52,453 --> 00:40:56,333
Is that it? Well, what do you want
me to say? It's just a beach.
710
00:40:56,373 --> 00:40:59,253
All right, misery.
# ..oh, explode!
711
00:40:59,293 --> 00:41:04,293
♪ I'm burning through the sky, yeah,
200 degrees, that's why
712
00:41:04,333 --> 00:41:07,173
Oh, Jesus.
♪ They call me Mr Fahrenheit... ♪
713
00:41:07,213 --> 00:41:10,293
♪ I don't know why he doesn't spend
the night in there.
714
00:41:10,333 --> 00:41:12,773
He more or less has.
# ..supersonic woman of you
715
00:41:14,933 --> 00:41:17,053
♪ Don't stop me, don't stop me,
Don't stop me
716
00:41:17,093 --> 00:41:19,613
♪ Hey, hey, hey!
♪ Don't stop me, don't stop me... ♪
717
00:41:19,653 --> 00:41:23,213
Well, I would love to know
what went on down at that beach.
718
00:41:23,253 --> 00:41:25,333
You've not said a word since you've
come back.
719
00:41:25,373 --> 00:41:28,253
You look like your dad, when I
backed his Porsche into the pool.
720
00:41:28,293 --> 00:41:30,773
Don't ever, ever say I look like my
dad!
721
00:41:30,813 --> 00:41:33,373
No, you take after your Mama
722
00:41:33,413 --> 00:41:36,453
when it comes to your beautiful
face, don't you? Shut up!
723
00:41:38,133 --> 00:41:40,573
How has that pork not affected you?
I'm fine.
724
00:41:40,613 --> 00:41:42,493
I know. I was asking how.
725
00:41:42,533 --> 00:41:44,813
You've always had a strong
constitution, bubs.
726
00:41:44,853 --> 00:41:46,733
I suppose so, whatever that is.
727
00:41:47,933 --> 00:41:51,173
I feel like I've been flushed out
by Dyno-Rod. Charming!
728
00:41:51,213 --> 00:41:52,813
What was that thing you had,
729
00:41:52,853 --> 00:41:55,053
when they shoved that hosepipe up
your jacksy?
730
00:41:55,093 --> 00:41:57,213
All right, some of us are trying to
eat.
731
00:41:57,253 --> 00:42:00,733
Colonic hydrotherapy.
Absolutely horrendous.
732
00:42:00,773 --> 00:42:02,573
All right, I give up.
733
00:42:02,613 --> 00:42:05,613
That white sofa in our conservatory's
never looked right since.
734
00:42:05,653 --> 00:42:09,053
How was the spa, today?
A bit over-priced, to be honest.
735
00:42:09,093 --> 00:42:11,933
Mind you, I didn't have to -
Hold that thought.
736
00:42:11,973 --> 00:42:13,853
♪ ..through the sky, yeah
737
00:42:13,893 --> 00:42:16,853
♪ 200 degrees, that's why
they call me Mr Fahrenheit
738
00:42:16,893 --> 00:42:18,893
Anyone for pudding?
739
00:42:18,933 --> 00:42:20,853
♪ I'm travelling at
the speed of light
740
00:42:20,893 --> 00:42:23,813
♪ I wanna make a supersonic woman of
you
741
00:42:25,893 --> 00:42:27,653
♪ Don't stop me, don't stop me
742
00:42:27,693 --> 00:42:29,413
♪ Don't stop me
♪ Hey, hey, hey!
743
00:42:29,453 --> 00:42:32,093
♪ Don't stop me, don't stop me,
Ooh, ooh, ooh
744
00:42:32,133 --> 00:42:34,053
♪ I like it!
♪ Don't stop me, don't stop me
745
00:42:34,093 --> 00:42:35,733
♪ Have a good time, good time
746
00:42:35,773 --> 00:42:37,773
♪ Don't stop me, don't stop me
747
00:42:37,813 --> 00:42:39,493
♪ Whoa, yeah!
748
00:42:43,933 --> 00:42:45,933
Amazing. I feel like a new man.
749
00:42:45,973 --> 00:42:49,653
I told you. The high after a good training
session is like nothing else on earth.
750
00:42:49,693 --> 00:42:53,013
Well, nearly. I'd go easy on them
spuds, though.
751
00:42:53,053 --> 00:42:56,293
Best to avoid carbs, until you lose
a bit of weight.
752
00:42:56,333 --> 00:42:59,133
You're joking? My body is a
highly-tuned machine.
753
00:42:59,173 --> 00:43:01,093
I need to fuel the furnace.
754
00:43:01,133 --> 00:43:02,733
Ooh!
755
00:43:02,773 --> 00:43:05,013
Are you all right? Yeah, I'm fine.
756
00:43:05,053 --> 00:43:07,573
It's just a food stitch. I'll work
through it.
757
00:43:07,613 --> 00:43:09,613
♪ ..supersonic man out of you
758
00:43:09,653 --> 00:43:11,493
♪ Don't stop me now
759
00:43:11,533 --> 00:43:13,533
♪ I'm having such a good time... ♪
760
00:43:13,573 --> 00:43:16,253
Miss Temple-Savage, you are OK?
I'm fine.
761
00:43:16,293 --> 00:43:18,253
You will not lose your job.
762
00:43:18,293 --> 00:43:20,093
We will make sure of this.
763
00:43:20,133 --> 00:43:22,133
It's not that, it...
764
00:43:25,973 --> 00:43:27,573
Yes?
765
00:43:27,613 --> 00:43:30,133
Nothing. You have not heard from
Squirrel?
766
00:43:30,173 --> 00:43:33,173
No, Mateo, I have not heard from
Squirrel.
767
00:43:33,213 --> 00:43:36,813
He is just, as you say,
lying on the low.
768
00:43:36,853 --> 00:43:39,493
He will come back. I hope so.
769
00:43:39,533 --> 00:43:42,013
I really do hope so.
770
00:43:50,613 --> 00:43:53,013
♪ That's life... ♪
771
00:43:53,053 --> 00:43:56,333
I see we've not heard anything more
from that Dr Kundu.
772
00:43:56,373 --> 00:43:58,373
He knows he's in the wrong.
773
00:43:58,413 --> 00:44:01,573
He's lucky I'm not suing him from
arsehole to breakfast time.
774
00:44:01,613 --> 00:44:04,693
I'm just glad we're all together,
and that you're in good health.
775
00:44:04,733 --> 00:44:07,053
Good health?
I'll outlive the lot of you.
776
00:44:07,093 --> 00:44:09,093
Why do I not doubt that?
777
00:44:10,133 --> 00:44:12,133
♪ When I'm back on top
778
00:44:12,173 --> 00:44:14,173
♪ Back on top in June?
779
00:44:14,213 --> 00:44:16,453
Excuse me, I think I'm wanted.
780
00:44:17,773 --> 00:44:19,773
♪ That's life
781
00:44:19,813 --> 00:44:21,613
♪ And, as funny as it may seem...
782
00:44:21,653 --> 00:44:24,213
Yeah, by who we haven't found out,
yet.
783
00:44:24,253 --> 00:44:26,053
♪ Get their kicks... ♪
784
00:44:26,093 --> 00:44:28,213
Excuse me, Michael.
785
00:44:28,253 --> 00:44:29,853
Elena.
786
00:44:29,893 --> 00:44:31,893
You er, you left your shirt.
787
00:44:31,933 --> 00:44:34,133
Ah, right. Erm...
788
00:44:34,173 --> 00:44:36,813
Do you want a drink? Oh, no, I have
to go.
789
00:44:36,853 --> 00:44:38,653
My uncle, he is waiting for me,
790
00:44:38,693 --> 00:44:42,293
but maybe you'll come by the beach
again, tomorrow?
791
00:44:42,333 --> 00:44:44,333
Yeah, yeah, that sounds cool.
792
00:44:44,373 --> 00:44:46,373
Cool.
793
00:44:46,413 --> 00:44:47,973
♪ ..a pawn and a king
794
00:44:48,013 --> 00:44:50,293
♪ I've been up and down
795
00:44:50,333 --> 00:44:52,173
♪ And over and out... ♪
796
00:44:52,213 --> 00:44:54,213
Just don't say anything.
797
00:44:54,253 --> 00:44:56,253
Oh, God.
798
00:44:57,813 --> 00:45:00,093
I feel absolutely wiped out.
799
00:45:00,133 --> 00:45:02,133
Slag.
800
00:45:02,173 --> 00:45:03,973
I beg your pardon.
801
00:45:04,013 --> 00:45:06,013
Have I missed something?
802
00:45:08,093 --> 00:45:10,733
♪ And then I'd fly
803
00:45:10,773 --> 00:45:13,293
♪ I've been a puppet, a pauper... ♪
804
00:45:13,333 --> 00:45:17,653
There you go, you deserve these
drinks after all your hard work.
805
00:45:17,693 --> 00:45:19,693
Oh, thanks, Lesley, I feel like a
new man.
806
00:45:19,733 --> 00:45:22,053
So do I, but where do you find one
round here, eh?
807
00:45:22,093 --> 00:45:24,093
Ah, dear.
808
00:45:24,133 --> 00:45:26,733
♪ Laying flat on my face
809
00:45:26,773 --> 00:45:29,733
♪ I just pick myself up
810
00:45:29,773 --> 00:45:32,253
♪ And get back in the race
811
00:45:32,293 --> 00:45:34,653
Oh, it's my dad's favourite song,
this is.
812
00:45:34,693 --> 00:45:37,053
I never heard it before. You're
joking?
813
00:45:37,093 --> 00:45:39,213
It's Frank Sinatra. Oh, yeah.
814
00:45:39,253 --> 00:45:41,053
It was his favourite.
815
00:45:42,173 --> 00:45:45,813
I remember, my dad had this signed
album of his and on it was written,
816
00:45:45,853 --> 00:45:49,693
'May you live to be 100 and may the
last voice you hear, be mine.'
817
00:45:49,733 --> 00:45:52,533
What was that other one he did?
818
00:45:52,573 --> 00:45:54,573
Was it Kinky Boots?
819
00:45:54,613 --> 00:45:57,453
No, hang on a minute, that was his
daughter Nancy.
820
00:45:57,493 --> 00:46:00,173
Kenneth? I can't breathe.
# I'm gonna roll myself up
821
00:46:00,213 --> 00:46:02,973
Are you all right? I can't breathe.
# In a big ball
822
00:46:03,013 --> 00:46:07,333
What's up, love? What's up?
# And die
823
00:46:11,293 --> 00:46:15,853
♪ My, my! ♪
824
00:46:16,534 --> 00:46:49,640
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824
00:46:50,305 --> 00:46:56,621
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