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00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
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00:00:31,480 --> 00:00:35,160
Morning, team. Everything ship-shape
and Bristol fashion?
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00:00:36,800 --> 00:00:39,640
Never mind.
Everything's running like clockwork.
4
00:00:39,680 --> 00:00:43,400
We're not gonna let you down today,
Mrs Temple-Savage, don't you worry.
5
00:00:43,440 --> 00:00:45,120
Of course she's going to worry,
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00:00:45,160 --> 00:00:47,160
the big boss is coming
to leave her the sack.
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00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:49,920
Give her the sack,
not leave her the sack.
8
00:00:49,960 --> 00:00:53,760
Yeah, hopefully not but -
Don't worry, Lesley, it's fine.
9
00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:57,960
Whatever the CEO of Solana Europe
decided to do with me
10
00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:01,480
after yesterday's events,
well... that's up to her.
11
00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:04,120
Que sera, sera.
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00:01:04,160 --> 00:01:06,800
What time does Miss Sara Sara
get here?
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I will make sure she's looked after,
yes?
14
00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:13,760
No, que sera sera isn't a name,
that's just a saying.
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Her name is Crystal Hennessy-Vass.
Make of that what you will.
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00:01:18,880 --> 00:01:21,400
I think I prefer Kay Sara Sara.
17
00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:23,200
Lesley, you haven't forgotten
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00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:25,560
about the Dutch dignitaries arriving,
have you?
19
00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:28,600
What are the Dutch dingleberries?
Dignitaries.
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It means very important people.
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00:01:30,920 --> 00:01:33,920
Ah, VPLs.
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00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:36,680
No, Mrs Temple-Savage,
I haven't forgotten about them.
23
00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:38,880
Everything is in hand.
Very good.
24
00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:41,680
One of them is the mayor of Lilliput
or something.
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00:01:41,720 --> 00:01:44,480
Try and get a photo of them enjoying
our facilities,
26
00:01:44,520 --> 00:01:47,360
it might increase bookings
from the Netherlands.
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00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:53,720
Erm... neither of you have seen Cyril,
have you?
28
00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:56,280
Mrs Temple-Savage,
29
00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:58,520
I had his breakfast
taken up to his room
30
00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:01,800
and well, he didn't sleep there
last night.
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00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:04,080
Right.
32
00:02:04,120 --> 00:02:08,280
Well... he's probably trying
to make himself scarce.
33
00:02:08,320 --> 00:02:12,160
He will no doubt grace us
with his presence later.
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00:02:13,880 --> 00:02:15,880
Carry on.
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00:02:17,640 --> 00:02:20,640
Squirrel will not be bringing
Joyce's presents later,
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00:02:20,680 --> 00:02:23,560
will he, Lesley?
No, Mateo, I don't think he will.
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So he's going to be OK, isn't he?
38
00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:50,040
What?
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00:02:50,080 --> 00:02:53,560
Oh, where?
40
00:02:53,600 --> 00:02:56,040
Guy?
It's only me.
41
00:02:57,480 --> 00:02:59,480
Don't worry, it's only me.
42
00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:04,080
Oh, Liam, you came.
Of course I came.
43
00:03:04,120 --> 00:03:07,200
You text me four times already
telling me not to be late.
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00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:10,640
All the people in here,
they've been so kind.
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Is that for me?
Yeah.
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00:03:15,160 --> 00:03:17,480
Really?
47
00:03:17,520 --> 00:03:19,520
Oh, you shouldn't have.
48
00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:22,880
I don't wanna be a burden to anyone.
49
00:03:25,480 --> 00:03:28,000
What's this? Oranges?
50
00:03:28,040 --> 00:03:30,280
You taking the piss?
51
00:03:30,320 --> 00:03:32,960
I've got a heart complaint,
not frigging scurvy.
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00:03:33,000 --> 00:03:35,400
There's grapes in there, as well.
53
00:03:35,440 --> 00:03:37,840
Where's the zinger burger and fries
I asked you for?
54
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:40,920
They're not open yet. The doctor
said you're not to get excited.
55
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Excited? About what?
A bloody fruit salad?
56
00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:46,680
I'm wasting away in here
and you bring me this bag of shite.
57
00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:48,840
And what's this? A lemon?
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00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:51,280
What am I supposed to do
with a bloody lemon?
59
00:03:51,320 --> 00:03:53,120
Oh, sod this for a game of soldiers.
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00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:55,680
I'm off to John and Joseph's
for a fry-up. Stay there!
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00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:58,320
Stay there, stay in bed!
What are you playing at?
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00:03:58,360 --> 00:04:00,240
Nurse! Nurse!
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00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:02,160
Get me out of this bed right now!
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00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,000
Get off me!
65
00:04:04,040 --> 00:04:06,400
You can't do this to me! Get off me!
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00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:17,880
Morning, love. I'm so glad
to get off that coach,
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00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:20,800
I've never known such a bumpy ride.
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00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:27,680
I'm just finishing
these two young men off.
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00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:31,560
Can I put you in the capable hands
of my colleague Mateo?
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00:04:31,600 --> 00:04:35,000
I don't mind who sorts me out,
I'm just glad to be in the sun.
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00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:40,960
Thank you.
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00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:43,720
Your name is Mina Love Allen?
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00:04:43,760 --> 00:04:48,000
Mina Love's my real name but
everyone calls me Queenie.
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OK, Queenie, you have a double room
booked for one week.
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00:04:53,640 --> 00:04:56,400
There is just you? Nobody else?
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00:04:56,440 --> 00:05:00,920
Well, for the moment but hope
springs eternal in the human breast.
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00:05:06,120 --> 00:05:09,600
What does this mean? I've no idea.
Just get her booked in,
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00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:11,680
she's frightening the other guests.
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00:05:13,200 --> 00:05:17,640
OK, Queenie, here's your
all-inclusive wristband
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00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:20,360
and your room key.
You are on the 11th floor.
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00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:23,200
Please, have a happy holiday.
82
00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:26,200
It's a good job I've got a head
for heights.
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00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:31,040
These stairs, yes? It will be
quicker to take the elevator.
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00:05:31,080 --> 00:05:33,880
Oh, no, I never go in elevators,
they make me nervous
85
00:05:33,920 --> 00:05:38,680
and I break out into
uncontrollable laughter.
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00:05:38,720 --> 00:05:41,320
Did you want me to find
you a room on a lower floor?
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00:05:41,360 --> 00:05:44,560
Oh, no, don't bother yourself.
It's all good fun, isn't it?
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00:05:44,600 --> 00:05:47,760
11th floor.
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00:05:51,720 --> 00:05:54,440
I bet we can still hear her laughing
from up there.
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00:06:08,840 --> 00:06:12,240
A message from Queenie.
Oh, has she got here OK?
91
00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:15,440
'Arrived safe and sound.
Just heading to my room,
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00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:19,920
probably need a shower after that
but see you guys shortly.
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00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:24,640
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha.'
Lovely.
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00:06:27,480 --> 00:06:30,640
She could have saved on the text.
Oh, yeah.
95
00:06:30,680 --> 00:06:33,640
You can always hear Queenie coming.
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00:06:33,680 --> 00:06:35,840
Quite.
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00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:41,560
Ooh, go on, she's there.
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00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:45,560
I can see she's there. Well, go and
talk to her about the discount.
99
00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:48,080
They'll probably just refund it
to our card.
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00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:53,200
Where are you going? If you're
too spineless to ask for it,
101
00:06:53,240 --> 00:06:55,240
I'll have to do it myself.
Tonya.
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00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:58,440
Tonya!
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00:06:58,480 --> 00:07:04,440
Este servicio necesita substituir.
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00:07:04,480 --> 00:07:07,640
Demasiados calcen...
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00:07:08,240 --> 00:07:10,840
Keep going, I think he's getting
the gist of it.
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It's a very difficult language.
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You owe us money.
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Good morning to you, as well.
You gave us an 80% discount
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on our holiday and I'd like to sort
that out, if that's OK with you?
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00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:26,600
How did you get 80% off?
It's a long story.
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00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:29,120
I've got all day.
I think you'll find
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00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:32,560
I offered you 20% discount
on your next holiday.
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Our next holiday?
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Yes.
Our next holiday here?
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00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:40,840
Yes.
You have got to be joking.
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We come every year,
I'll have the discount.
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00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:46,600
Right, who's your superior?
And I don't mean intelligence.
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00:07:46,640 --> 00:07:48,720
I haven't got time to see
that many people.
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I haven't got one. I find that
very difficult to believe.
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I imagine you find most things
difficult,
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especially in those ludicrous heels.
122
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What did you just say?
Don't get me wrong,
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00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:03,240
I think your look is very brave.
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00:08:03,280 --> 00:08:05,760
I was a huge fan
of George and Mildred.
125
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:10,000
Now, you listen to me - Whoa, whoa,
all right, ladies, calm down.
126
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Come on, we've all had a lot
to drink.
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00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:14,960
Your voucher will be sent on to you,
should your grubby
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and rather strange family wish to
grace us with their presence again.
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What?! Do let me know if I can
be of further assistance.
130
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Come here. Come here and say that!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, leave it.
131
00:08:27,440 --> 00:08:29,480
What the hell is going on
over there?
132
00:08:29,520 --> 00:08:32,760
It's your husband with his dirty,
wandering hands.
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00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:35,560
My husband is obviously
trying to keep the peace.
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00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:37,600
Trying to get a piece, more like.
135
00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:40,520
He's had his eye on that one
since day one.
136
00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:04,000
Oh, my God. Do you reckon
it's a film star?
137
00:09:04,040 --> 00:09:06,560
What? Staying here? Yeah, right.
138
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:16,040
Oh. Park up, Elvis.
This could take some time.
139
00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:17,880
Uh-huh.
140
00:09:36,171 --> 00:09:39,171
When you have a minute.
Oh, I beg your pardon.
141
00:09:39,211 --> 00:09:42,331
I put all my bras on a boil wash
by mistake
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00:09:42,371 --> 00:09:45,531
and this one's cutting through me
like a knife through butter.
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00:09:45,571 --> 00:09:48,611
Welcome to the Solana,
how can I help you?
144
00:09:48,651 --> 00:09:52,451
You can start by telling me
you're not Joyce Temple-Savage.
145
00:09:52,491 --> 00:09:55,171
Oh, no, no. Joyce is just
the manageress.
146
00:09:55,211 --> 00:09:58,291
I'm Lesley, chief dogsbody
and bottle washer.
147
00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:02,011
Oh, thank God for that.
You'll have to put that out, pet.
148
00:10:02,051 --> 00:10:03,891
It's a non-smoking hotel.
149
00:10:03,931 --> 00:10:06,771
Lesley, I have looked everywhere
in the hotel for Squirrel.
150
00:10:06,811 --> 00:10:10,051
I'm sure he has gone.
You have squirrels in the hotel?
151
00:10:10,091 --> 00:10:13,651
No, are you deaf?
I just said he has gone.
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00:10:13,691 --> 00:10:17,011
What Mateo means is -
All right, I've heard enough.
153
00:10:17,051 --> 00:10:19,931
Now, listen to me.
I'm going to take a seat over there
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00:10:19,971 --> 00:10:23,091
and you, young man, are going to
bring me a large gin slimline tonic
155
00:10:23,131 --> 00:10:28,771
and an ashtray and you... madam, are
going to get Joyce Temple-Savage
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00:10:28,811 --> 00:10:31,771
on the telephone and tell her
to get her sorry arse down here
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00:10:31,811 --> 00:10:33,611
within the next five minutes.
158
00:10:33,651 --> 00:10:36,211
And who, if you don't mind
me asking,
159
00:10:36,251 --> 00:10:38,651
shall I tell her is waiting for her?
160
00:10:38,691 --> 00:10:42,931
Crystal Hennessy-Vass,
chairman and CEO
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00:10:42,971 --> 00:10:44,971
of the Solana Leisure Group Europe.
162
00:10:45,011 --> 00:10:48,251
In other words, top dog, kiddo.
163
00:10:48,291 --> 00:10:50,291
Top dog.
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00:10:52,491 --> 00:10:54,491
What kind of dog?
165
00:11:01,891 --> 00:11:03,611
Cheers.
Cheers.
166
00:11:03,651 --> 00:11:07,211
Cheers. Oh, it's so lovely
to see you, Queenie.
167
00:11:07,251 --> 00:11:10,411
It's just such a shame
we go home tomorrow.
168
00:11:10,451 --> 00:11:13,331
You go home tomorrow?
Yes, we've been here a week.
169
00:11:13,371 --> 00:11:15,851
Oh, your timing's terrible.
170
00:11:15,891 --> 00:11:19,171
You know it's the CBSA's
silver jubilee next week?
171
00:11:19,211 --> 00:11:23,451
CBSA? Costa Blanca
Swingers Association
172
00:11:23,491 --> 00:11:25,371
There's a swingers association
173
00:11:25,411 --> 00:11:27,491
covering the whole
of the Costa Blanca?
174
00:11:27,531 --> 00:11:31,211
Gracious, that sounds like
quite a bean feast.
175
00:11:31,251 --> 00:11:33,211
I thought that's why you were here.
176
00:11:33,251 --> 00:11:36,411
No, when you texted us and said
you were coming to Benidorm,
177
00:11:36,451 --> 00:11:38,571
we just thought it was
a happy coincidence.
178
00:11:38,611 --> 00:11:41,331
Oh, Donald, can't we stay on
another week?
179
00:11:41,371 --> 00:11:44,291
I'm sorry, Jacqueline,
it's out of the question.
180
00:11:44,331 --> 00:11:48,811
Yesterday I spent two euros
on a newspaper we didn't need.
181
00:11:48,851 --> 00:11:52,051
I feel as though the handbrake
on our finances
182
00:11:52,091 --> 00:11:54,211
has been totally disengaged.
183
00:11:54,251 --> 00:11:58,891
My mate Pepe De La Cruz is making
a personal appearance this year.
184
00:11:58,931 --> 00:12:05,171
Not the Pepe De La Cruz?
Yeah, we go back years.
185
00:12:05,211 --> 00:12:07,611
Who is Pepe De La Cruz?
186
00:12:07,651 --> 00:12:10,291
Oh, it's not that skunk
in them cartoons, is it?
187
00:12:10,331 --> 00:12:14,131
That's Pepe Le Pew.
188
00:12:14,171 --> 00:12:17,651
Pepe De La Cruz
is an international legend.
189
00:12:17,691 --> 00:12:21,051
He had quite an adult film career
in his day.
190
00:12:21,091 --> 00:12:24,251
He was known as the king
of the swingers.
191
00:12:24,291 --> 00:12:27,691
Pepe's basically retired
from the swinging scene now
192
00:12:27,731 --> 00:12:31,211
but he does make a few personal
appearances now and again.
193
00:12:32,051 --> 00:12:34,211
You don't want to meet him, do you?
194
00:12:34,251 --> 00:12:40,371
You could actually get us an
audience with Pepe De La Cruz?
195
00:12:40,411 --> 00:12:43,331
Well, security around him
and his wife's tight,
196
00:12:43,371 --> 00:12:47,411
as you can well imagine, but there's
a party in his honour tonight.
197
00:12:47,451 --> 00:12:49,691
I could pull a few strings.
198
00:12:49,731 --> 00:12:52,091
Oh.
Same again?
199
00:12:52,131 --> 00:12:54,131
Lovely!
200
00:12:55,531 --> 00:12:59,331
You know, my uncle Cameron once cried
201
00:12:59,371 --> 00:13:02,371
after kissing the Pope's ring on the
visit to the Vatican
202
00:13:02,411 --> 00:13:07,291
in the early '60s. He said one day
I'd understand how he felt.
203
00:13:08,651 --> 00:13:10,651
How right he was.
204
00:13:14,131 --> 00:13:17,011
So did they get their refund or not?
I told you, I don't know.
205
00:13:17,051 --> 00:13:19,491
What was the refund for?
I don't know.
206
00:13:19,531 --> 00:13:21,531
Why are you bothered about that?
207
00:13:21,571 --> 00:13:25,171
Why don't you get the money
she owes you from going to that spa?
208
00:13:25,211 --> 00:13:27,451
You still haven't told me
how much it was.
209
00:13:27,491 --> 00:13:30,251
Well, how much was it?
210
00:13:32,611 --> 00:13:34,851
20 euro?
211
00:13:34,891 --> 00:13:38,331
50? It can't have been more than 50.
212
00:13:41,171 --> 00:13:43,691
- 400.
- 400?!
213
00:13:43,731 --> 00:13:46,811
And 60.
460 euros?
214
00:13:46,851 --> 00:13:49,691
I thought you went to a spa,
not frigging bought one!
215
00:13:49,731 --> 00:13:52,651
Right, I'll sort this out.
Sit down.
216
00:13:53,331 --> 00:13:56,411
You've got to be joking! You might
have taken leave of your senses
217
00:13:56,451 --> 00:13:58,291
but I haven't.
Sit down.
218
00:13:58,331 --> 00:14:00,491
I don't want the money back,
I'll pay for it.
219
00:14:00,531 --> 00:14:03,251
Oh, you don't want the money back.
Well, I bloody well do.
220
00:14:03,291 --> 00:14:05,731
Here we go.
An afternoon of extravagance
221
00:14:05,771 --> 00:14:09,211
with The Attack of the 50ft Woman
and she thinks she's Zsa Zsa Gabor.
222
00:14:09,251 --> 00:14:11,731
I don't want the money back
because I don't want her
223
00:14:11,771 --> 00:14:14,251
thinking we can't afford it.
We can't afford it.
224
00:14:14,291 --> 00:14:18,611
460 euros. The bloody holiday
didn't cost that much.
225
00:14:18,651 --> 00:14:20,651
Shut up, shut up, the pair of you.
226
00:14:20,691 --> 00:14:24,051
It's my problem
and I'll sort it out. 460!
227
00:14:24,091 --> 00:14:26,411
Mother, I said shut up.
I'll sort it.
228
00:14:28,011 --> 00:14:30,371
Mam, can I have some money
to go to the beach?
229
00:14:33,171 --> 00:14:35,211
Well...?
230
00:14:40,331 --> 00:14:42,411
May I just say, before you begin,
231
00:14:42,451 --> 00:14:45,411
that I take full responsibility
for all recent events.
232
00:14:45,451 --> 00:14:47,451
Well, that goes without saying.
233
00:14:47,491 --> 00:14:49,851
As far as the Solana Benidorm
is concerned,
234
00:14:49,891 --> 00:14:52,051
you are at the top of the tree.
235
00:14:52,091 --> 00:14:55,571
But when the monkey
gets to the top of the tree,
236
00:14:55,611 --> 00:14:57,611
everybody can see its arse.
237
00:14:58,491 --> 00:15:01,691
Well, yes, quite.
238
00:15:01,731 --> 00:15:05,531
Anyway, what I was going to say was -
Hang on a minute, hang on a minute.
239
00:15:11,131 --> 00:15:14,451
You see, Savage, my problem
is that you've gone over my head.
240
00:15:14,491 --> 00:15:17,851
Right. We're not still talking
about the monkey, are we?
241
00:15:17,891 --> 00:15:20,411
You've made major decisions
regarding this hotel
242
00:15:20,451 --> 00:15:23,851
without consulting your superiors,
which have resulted in what can
243
00:15:23,891 --> 00:15:27,411
only be described as a complete
contravention of Solana standards.
244
00:15:27,451 --> 00:15:31,851
But can I say, in our defence, we
bought the pig with all good faith
245
00:15:31,891 --> 00:15:34,171
and all hygiene standards
were adhered to
246
00:15:34,211 --> 00:15:36,571
in line with the European
health regulations.
247
00:15:36,611 --> 00:15:42,451
I am convinced the pig
had a jippy tummy when it was alive.
248
00:15:42,491 --> 00:15:45,211
What the hell are you talking about?
249
00:15:45,251 --> 00:15:48,011
The pig... for the eating
competition...
250
00:15:48,051 --> 00:15:50,051
that gave all our guests
food poisoning.
251
00:15:50,091 --> 00:15:54,011
You're telling me that your guests
got food poisoning? So what?
252
00:15:54,051 --> 00:15:57,931
Welcome to Benidorm. I'm talking
about something far more serious.
253
00:15:57,971 --> 00:16:00,651
You mean employing Mr Babcock
as assistant manager?
254
00:16:00,691 --> 00:16:03,971
I can assure you that despite
his brief prison sentence
255
00:16:04,011 --> 00:16:06,171
in Thailand for worrying cows,
256
00:16:06,211 --> 00:16:08,771
his character and references are
second to none.
257
00:16:08,811 --> 00:16:10,891
Savage!
Yes?
258
00:16:10,931 --> 00:16:15,211
You did something to this hotel
that opposes every principle,
259
00:16:15,251 --> 00:16:18,891
every criteria, every specification
that I set down
260
00:16:18,931 --> 00:16:22,251
when I founded
the Solana Leisure Group in 1983.
261
00:16:22,291 --> 00:16:24,691
What did I do?
You had the temerity
262
00:16:24,731 --> 00:16:27,411
to have the hotel
upgraded to a four-star.
263
00:16:28,651 --> 00:16:31,091
I don't understand.
Surely that's a good thing?
264
00:16:31,131 --> 00:16:33,611
When people book the three-star
Solana Benidorm,
265
00:16:33,651 --> 00:16:36,171
they expect a certain
level of service -
266
00:16:36,211 --> 00:16:38,211
absolute crap.
267
00:16:38,251 --> 00:16:40,971
So when they get here,
and they get more than that,
268
00:16:41,011 --> 00:16:43,691
they're pleasantly surprised.
I see.
269
00:16:43,731 --> 00:16:47,611
Tell them it's a three-star
and they expect sticky carpets,
270
00:16:47,651 --> 00:16:49,811
egg and chips, karaoke.
271
00:16:49,851 --> 00:16:51,851
Tell them it's a four-star
272
00:16:51,891 --> 00:16:55,171
and you are opening a whole new
can of worms for yourself.
273
00:16:55,211 --> 00:16:58,131
I didn't think.
No, you didn't.
274
00:16:58,171 --> 00:17:00,331
We are budget and we're proud.
275
00:17:00,371 --> 00:17:04,531
And the last thing we need
is some toffee-nosed social climber
276
00:17:04,571 --> 00:17:06,971
trying to drag us
into the 21st century.
277
00:17:07,011 --> 00:17:09,251
Toffee-nosed social climber?
278
00:17:09,291 --> 00:17:13,411
I'm talking about you, Savage.
Oh, yes, of course, I'm sorry.
279
00:17:13,451 --> 00:17:16,091
Does this mean that we're not
in trouble about the pig?
280
00:17:16,131 --> 00:17:18,331
I mean, the food poisoning?
All I care about
281
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:21,691
is that you've not given this hotel
ideas above its station.
282
00:17:21,731 --> 00:17:24,331
I want to see good, honest
working class people
283
00:17:24,371 --> 00:17:27,611
enjoying a basic,
three-star holiday.
284
00:17:27,651 --> 00:17:30,971
So we'll start with the rooms
and we'll work our way outside.
285
00:17:31,011 --> 00:17:33,051
Do I make myself clear?
286
00:17:33,091 --> 00:17:36,531
Well, apart from the word 'temerity',
yes, absolutely.
287
00:17:37,131 --> 00:17:38,931
Oh, and one more thing.
Yes?
288
00:17:38,971 --> 00:17:41,531
Large gin and slimline tonic.
289
00:17:41,571 --> 00:17:43,571
If you'd like to follow me.
290
00:18:01,691 --> 00:18:04,611
What happened?
You fell asleep again.
291
00:18:06,891 --> 00:18:10,251
I need your help.
I'm not getting you a zinger burger.
292
00:18:10,291 --> 00:18:12,211
I need you to help me
get out of here.
293
00:18:12,251 --> 00:18:14,651
Kenneth, you've had a heart attack.
294
00:18:14,691 --> 00:18:17,531
I haven't had a heart attack,
don't be so dramatic.
295
00:18:17,571 --> 00:18:20,011
I had a few chest pains
and I was a bit short of breath.
296
00:18:20,051 --> 00:18:22,931
You get out of that bed
and I'm calling for the doctor.
297
00:18:28,971 --> 00:18:31,411
You've got to stop
playing this down.
298
00:18:31,451 --> 00:18:33,251
I've told everyone at the Solana
299
00:18:33,291 --> 00:18:36,051
that they didn't keep you
in hospital like you asked me to
300
00:18:36,091 --> 00:18:38,171
but at some point,
you've got to face facts.
301
00:18:38,211 --> 00:18:41,571
You're not a well man. I don't
want people worrying about me.
302
00:18:41,611 --> 00:18:44,731
I don't want all this fuss,
I just wanna go home. No.
303
00:18:47,011 --> 00:18:49,291
I'll be back later this afternoon.
304
00:18:49,331 --> 00:18:52,851
If I hear you've been out of that
bed, that's me and you finished.
305
00:18:54,011 --> 00:18:56,051
You can be quite
the Little Miss Bossy Pants
306
00:18:56,091 --> 00:18:57,971
when you put your mind to it,
can't you?
307
00:18:58,011 --> 00:19:02,051
You're my best friend
and I don't want to lose you.
308
00:19:08,571 --> 00:19:12,451
I'll be back. Ooh, you're
like Arnold Schwarzenegger
309
00:19:12,491 --> 00:19:14,451
with a tangerine rinse.
310
00:19:15,691 --> 00:19:17,691
I'll see you later.
311
00:19:19,811 --> 00:19:21,731
See you later, love.
312
00:19:44,331 --> 00:19:47,251
I-I-I trust the rooms
were to your satisfaction?
313
00:19:47,291 --> 00:19:50,731
Not bad.
The blinds are a little modern.
314
00:19:50,771 --> 00:19:54,811
Why don't you see if you can get
some cheap net curtains? Absolutely.
315
00:19:54,851 --> 00:19:58,331
You know, although we did manage
to scrape a four-star rating,
316
00:19:58,371 --> 00:20:02,651
I'm pretty sure the accreditation
board would have no problem
317
00:20:02,691 --> 00:20:04,611
putting us back down to a three.
318
00:20:04,651 --> 00:20:08,691
So this new assistant manager
you're talking about, where is he?
319
00:20:08,731 --> 00:20:11,451
Cyril? He, erm...
320
00:20:11,491 --> 00:20:13,731
I believe it's
Mr Babcock's day off today.
321
00:20:13,771 --> 00:20:18,571
Joyce, do you see the word 'idiot'
written across my forehead?
322
00:20:19,811 --> 00:20:21,851
No.
Good.
323
00:20:21,891 --> 00:20:24,931
There's a reason for that.
Now, let's start again.
324
00:20:24,971 --> 00:20:28,291
Mr Babcock...
325
00:20:28,331 --> 00:20:30,411
I'm not sure where he is.
326
00:20:30,451 --> 00:20:33,211
Cyril... Mr Babcock
is an old friend of mine.
327
00:20:33,251 --> 00:20:35,171
He has made a few mistakes
328
00:20:35,211 --> 00:20:37,611
but I do believe he's the right man
for the job.
329
00:20:37,651 --> 00:20:41,171
He's not just a friend, is he?
I can assure you
330
00:20:41,211 --> 00:20:44,731
mine and Mr Babcock's relationship
is absolutely professional.
331
00:20:44,771 --> 00:20:47,171
Oh, bollocks to that.
332
00:20:47,211 --> 00:20:50,011
Come on, I've seen that look
in a woman's eye before.
333
00:20:50,051 --> 00:20:54,211
I met all four of my husbands
on the job, so to speak.
334
00:20:55,811 --> 00:20:58,651
Have you had an argument?
Just a misunderstanding.
335
00:20:58,691 --> 00:21:00,851
I think he's licking his wounds
somewhere.
336
00:21:00,891 --> 00:21:04,771
Slightly too much information
but I know what you mean.
337
00:21:04,811 --> 00:21:08,371
Excuse me, you were incredibly rude
to my wife earlier.
338
00:21:08,411 --> 00:21:12,011
Piss off, short arse, can't you see
we're having a conversation here?
339
00:21:12,051 --> 00:21:14,291
Go on, shoo, shoo, shoo,
get off, get off.
340
00:21:16,331 --> 00:21:19,491
Never forget the Solana's
two golden rules.
341
00:21:19,531 --> 00:21:22,051
Number one, the customer
is always right.
342
00:21:22,091 --> 00:21:25,811
And number two?
If the customer happens to be a man,
343
00:21:25,851 --> 00:21:28,251
forget rule number one.
344
00:21:32,931 --> 00:21:35,371
You're doing a great job here,
Savage.
345
00:21:35,411 --> 00:21:37,971
Just remember to get
one of those stars taken down
346
00:21:38,011 --> 00:21:41,091
from the front of the hotel and we
won't say any more about it, OK?
347
00:21:41,131 --> 00:21:44,291
I understand. Elvis, I'm about
to leave the building.
348
00:21:45,931 --> 00:21:49,771
Oh, and Joyce,
if your man doesn't come back,
349
00:21:49,811 --> 00:21:52,451
maybe he wasn't right for you
in the first place.
350
00:21:58,051 --> 00:22:00,051
Que sera sera.
351
00:22:03,371 --> 00:22:05,371
Oh, Cyril.
352
00:22:25,464 --> 00:22:28,344
I said to him, I don't care
how long it's been in the fryer,
353
00:22:28,384 --> 00:22:31,464
I'm telling you that fish
just winked at me.
354
00:22:31,504 --> 00:22:33,504
Good day to you.
355
00:22:33,544 --> 00:22:36,024
My colleagues and I
have a reservation
356
00:22:36,064 --> 00:22:38,904
in the name of De Groot.
I'll be with you in a second.
357
00:22:38,944 --> 00:22:41,144
And then he says...
358
00:22:41,184 --> 00:22:44,504
What did you say your name was?
Jan De Groot.
359
00:22:44,544 --> 00:22:46,344
Are you the party from Neverland?
360
00:22:46,384 --> 00:22:51,304
Neverland? We are from the
Netherlands. We are Dutch.
361
00:22:52,424 --> 00:22:54,704
We are from Amsterdam.
362
00:22:57,864 --> 00:23:00,304
Back, back.
363
00:23:00,344 --> 00:23:03,664
Back, back.
Mateo, pass me that carpet. What?
364
00:23:03,704 --> 00:23:06,944
The red carpet.
Really, this is not necessary.
365
00:23:06,984 --> 00:23:08,984
Once second, just one second.
366
00:23:23,384 --> 00:23:26,224
Gentlemen, it is of our greatest
of pleasure
367
00:23:26,264 --> 00:23:30,984
to welcome you to the beautiful
sleepy fishing town of Benidorm
368
00:23:31,024 --> 00:23:34,904
and the luxurious tranquility
that is the Solana.
369
00:23:38,024 --> 00:23:41,864
We are booking in for one night.
Our passports.
370
00:23:41,904 --> 00:23:44,424
But of course,
may I say how handsome
371
00:23:44,464 --> 00:23:46,424
you fine gentlemen
are looking today?
372
00:23:46,464 --> 00:23:48,464
Er... thank you.
373
00:23:49,104 --> 00:23:51,144
I like your hair.
374
00:23:52,184 --> 00:23:53,864
Thank you.
375
00:23:53,904 --> 00:23:56,824
Right, just a small amount
of paperwork to be done.
376
00:23:56,864 --> 00:24:00,384
We'll have you in the lap of luxury
in two shakes of a duck's tail.
377
00:24:03,104 --> 00:24:06,104
Look, mate, I'm not being funny
but it's me she fancies.
378
00:24:06,144 --> 00:24:09,304
Why do you think that? Just cos
she asked you to meet her today?
379
00:24:09,344 --> 00:24:13,344
Er... yeah. And because in Neptunes
last night she totally blanked you.
380
00:24:13,384 --> 00:24:15,824
Mikey, no offence
but how stupid are you?
381
00:24:15,864 --> 00:24:18,264
She's trying to get to me
through you.
382
00:24:18,304 --> 00:24:21,024
Why would she do that?
Because she's a girl!
383
00:24:21,064 --> 00:24:24,264
Girls don't go up to the guy
they fancy and ask them out,
384
00:24:24,304 --> 00:24:26,544
they get friendly
with their best mate.
385
00:24:26,584 --> 00:24:30,504
I'm telling you, if you would
have come here today without me,
386
00:24:30,544 --> 00:24:32,624
she'd have been absolutely gutted.
387
00:24:36,624 --> 00:24:39,024
Cerrado. What does that mean?
388
00:24:39,984 --> 00:24:41,944
I remember seeing a sign
like that before
389
00:24:41,984 --> 00:24:43,824
when I took a dump
in the Solana pool.
390
00:24:43,864 --> 00:24:45,864
I think it means they're closed.
391
00:24:45,904 --> 00:24:47,984
Come on, I knew
she wouldn't be here.
392
00:25:04,624 --> 00:25:06,464
What have you done?
393
00:25:06,504 --> 00:25:09,344
What's wrong with you?
Lighten up, man, it's a joke.
394
00:25:10,064 --> 00:25:12,304
Don't hang around,
you'll get caught.
395
00:25:22,224 --> 00:25:25,664
As well as a list of Benidorm's
finest sex shops,
396
00:25:25,704 --> 00:25:28,424
you will also find,
at the bottom of the page,
397
00:25:28,464 --> 00:25:32,064
the number of Lucky Kev,
a small-time local drug dealer
398
00:25:32,104 --> 00:25:36,304
who will keep you supplied
with all varieties of weed and puff
399
00:25:36,344 --> 00:25:38,344
during your stay here at the Solana.
400
00:25:40,424 --> 00:25:44,744
Ah, yes, we also have a small
afternoon snack for you all,
401
00:25:44,784 --> 00:25:48,184
a 'horses doovrey'
to make you feel at home.
402
00:25:49,744 --> 00:25:51,744
Enjoy.
403
00:25:58,144 --> 00:26:01,144
The first shop on the list
is less than 1km away.
404
00:26:01,184 --> 00:26:03,104
Give me that!
405
00:26:24,784 --> 00:26:26,784
Get out the way.
406
00:26:31,944 --> 00:26:34,624
Hello?
Don't you 'hello' me.
407
00:26:34,664 --> 00:26:37,024
I beg your pardon?
What's going on?
408
00:26:37,064 --> 00:26:40,264
What's going on?
Oh, you've got some front.
409
00:26:40,304 --> 00:26:42,344
What is it that you want?
410
00:26:42,384 --> 00:26:46,024
You practically mugged my daughter
in broad daylight.
411
00:26:46,064 --> 00:26:49,384
I should call the police.
Why don't I get us all a drink?
412
00:26:49,424 --> 00:26:53,384
Yeah, offer to get a round of drinks
in an all-inclusive hotel.
413
00:26:53,424 --> 00:26:56,344
That's about as far
as your generosity stretches.
414
00:26:56,384 --> 00:27:00,504
I've met you people before,
short arms and long pockets.
415
00:27:00,544 --> 00:27:03,704
I haven't got short arms.
You're tight as a duck's arse
416
00:27:03,744 --> 00:27:07,504
and you've got a face to match.
That's my wife you're talking to.
417
00:27:07,544 --> 00:27:09,824
Ooh, you knew which one I meant,
then.
418
00:27:09,864 --> 00:27:12,464
I think you should come back
when you're sober.
419
00:27:13,824 --> 00:27:15,824
Oh, shit.
420
00:27:15,864 --> 00:27:18,264
Mick, Mick, wake up.
421
00:27:18,304 --> 00:27:22,144
I haven't touched a drop,
unlike your freeloading family,
422
00:27:22,184 --> 00:27:25,144
I've seen you,
guzzling down the free booze
423
00:27:25,184 --> 00:27:27,224
like someone's
gonna take it away from you.
424
00:27:27,264 --> 00:27:29,064
Mother, what are you doing?
425
00:27:29,104 --> 00:27:33,424
What do you mean, freeloading? We've
paid for our holiday just like you.
426
00:27:33,464 --> 00:27:36,424
Oh, yeah, and you're trying
to wriggle out of that, as well.
427
00:27:36,464 --> 00:27:39,864
For God's sake, Mother.
Tell her you want your money back.
428
00:27:39,904 --> 00:27:42,664
I don't want any money back.
Why don't we all have a drink?
429
00:27:42,704 --> 00:27:44,464
That's what I said.
430
00:27:44,504 --> 00:27:47,704
They should be locked up and their
ugly kids should be in care.
431
00:27:47,744 --> 00:27:52,664
What?! I have no idea what
the maximum sentence in Spain is
432
00:27:52,704 --> 00:27:56,664
for breaking a pensioner's neck but
I am more than willing to find out.
433
00:27:56,704 --> 00:27:58,464
What are you doing?
434
00:27:58,504 --> 00:28:00,504
I'm not doing anything!
435
00:28:00,544 --> 00:28:02,424
Mick, get her out of it!
436
00:28:12,584 --> 00:28:14,904
You'll have to pay for that,
as well.
437
00:28:16,224 --> 00:28:18,384
Mam, come on.
438
00:28:18,424 --> 00:28:20,224
I've got you.
439
00:28:21,624 --> 00:28:25,224
Check again. Donald and Jacqueline
Stewart. We're friends of -
440
00:28:25,264 --> 00:28:27,184
Donald, where have you been?
441
00:28:27,224 --> 00:28:31,184
Sorry, we had a nap this afternoon
after our drinks at the Solana.
442
00:28:31,224 --> 00:28:35,224
You know what they say,
siesta before fiesta.
443
00:28:35,264 --> 00:28:37,744
It's OK, they're with me.
444
00:28:41,344 --> 00:28:44,944
My goodness,
this looks quite a party.
445
00:28:44,984 --> 00:28:49,864
Oh, yes. There's a big movie
being made in Alicante.
446
00:28:49,904 --> 00:28:52,784
There's quite a few faces in town
447
00:28:52,824 --> 00:28:57,264
and of course, they all want
to meet Pepe, he's a bit of a cult.
448
00:28:57,304 --> 00:29:01,984
Oh, that's a shame, a lot
of famous people can be a -
449
00:29:02,024 --> 00:29:04,784
No, cult.
450
00:29:04,824 --> 00:29:06,704
Oh!
451
00:29:06,744 --> 00:29:11,584
Right, let's get some drinks,
have a mingle,
452
00:29:11,624 --> 00:29:14,184
then we can go through
and meet Pepe.
453
00:29:14,224 --> 00:29:16,224
Wonderful.
454
00:29:26,864 --> 00:29:28,864
Elena.
455
00:29:28,904 --> 00:29:31,504
What are you doing here?
Tiger, how are you?
456
00:29:31,544 --> 00:29:35,264
Yeah, I'm good. What's going on?
I was looking for Michael.
457
00:29:35,304 --> 00:29:38,104
He's, erm... gone.
458
00:29:38,144 --> 00:29:43,264
Gone? Yeah, his family
went out... into Benidorm...
459
00:29:43,304 --> 00:29:45,104
for dinner.
Oh.
460
00:29:45,144 --> 00:29:48,144
You don't know where?
No, sorry, they didn't say.
461
00:29:48,184 --> 00:29:50,744
Then he flies home tomorrow.
462
00:29:50,784 --> 00:29:54,384
Are you busy tonight?
I wrote down my number, my Facebook.
463
00:29:54,424 --> 00:29:57,224
Could you get these to Michael?
I can try.
464
00:29:58,264 --> 00:30:01,264
So about tonight... you
doing anything?
465
00:30:01,304 --> 00:30:04,544
I have to be with my family.
Our pedalos were stolen today,
466
00:30:04,584 --> 00:30:07,064
it has brought us many problems.
467
00:30:07,104 --> 00:30:10,584
OK, well... I'll see what I can do.
468
00:30:12,864 --> 00:30:14,824
Oops.
469
00:30:17,504 --> 00:30:20,704
What's going on?
Nothing. Mind your own business.
470
00:30:20,744 --> 00:30:23,184
Your mate's been asking
where you are. What mate?
471
00:30:23,224 --> 00:30:25,464
Oh, no, that's right,
you haven't got any.
472
00:30:25,504 --> 00:30:27,384
Michael.
Oh, yeah.
473
00:30:27,424 --> 00:30:31,104
Tell him I'm coming for food,
then I've got a date.
474
00:30:31,144 --> 00:30:33,104
Tell him yourself.
475
00:30:45,944 --> 00:30:49,064
That's the scooter deposit money
they owe us for, as well.
476
00:30:49,104 --> 00:30:52,104
Don't look at them. I'm trying
not to, I'm just about to eat.
477
00:30:52,144 --> 00:30:54,824
Look, just leave them alone
and they won't bother us.
478
00:30:54,864 --> 00:30:57,384
We're off home tomorrow,
we'll never see them again.
479
00:30:57,424 --> 00:31:00,104
Are you trying to say that
I can't stay in touch with Tiger?
480
00:31:00,144 --> 00:31:02,664
Over my dead body.
There's an offer you can't refuse.
481
00:31:02,704 --> 00:31:06,064
'Pargo rojo frito o en salsa.'
Bloody hell,
482
00:31:06,104 --> 00:31:08,464
they've given us the menu
written in Spanish.
483
00:31:08,504 --> 00:31:10,504
This place is going right down hill.
484
00:31:21,744 --> 00:31:24,544
Nosey.
You found a friend at last?
485
00:31:24,584 --> 00:31:26,624
Yeah, I have, as it goes.
486
00:31:27,824 --> 00:31:30,104
Look at them... staring at us.
487
00:31:30,824 --> 00:31:34,784
They've got absolutely no shame.
Just ignore them.
488
00:31:34,824 --> 00:31:36,824
This is all your fault.
Of course it is.
489
00:31:36,864 --> 00:31:39,384
I'm serious. I know you are,
I'm agreeing with you.
490
00:31:39,424 --> 00:31:43,384
Everything's my fault.
Don't be smart, Clive.
491
00:31:43,424 --> 00:31:47,544
Well, what do you want me to say?
Just tell me and I'll say it.
492
00:31:56,944 --> 00:31:59,984
♪ Blue moon
493
00:32:00,024 --> 00:32:03,584
♪ You saw me standing alone ♪
494
00:32:04,824 --> 00:32:08,304
Why didn't Kenneth want anyone to
know he's been taken into hospital?
495
00:32:08,344 --> 00:32:10,944
He just doens't want everybody
knowing his business.
496
00:32:10,984 --> 00:32:12,784
Oh, aye, I understand that.
497
00:32:12,824 --> 00:32:16,344
If gossip was gold, everyone
in this town would be a millionaire.
498
00:32:18,944 --> 00:32:21,944
Right, line up the shots, Lesley,
I am back in business.
499
00:32:21,984 --> 00:32:23,744
What are you doing?
What?
500
00:32:23,784 --> 00:32:25,624
Kenneth, you promised
to stay in bed.
501
00:32:25,664 --> 00:32:28,864
I'm fine, just leave it, Liam. No,
I'm sorry if you think I'm nagging
502
00:32:28,904 --> 00:32:31,584
but the doctor said you need
two weeks complete bed rest.
503
00:32:31,624 --> 00:32:33,944
It may have escaped your notice
but I am a grown man
504
00:32:33,984 --> 00:32:36,064
who is capable of making
his own decisions.
505
00:32:36,104 --> 00:32:39,144
You are a grown man and you'll do
whatever you want, you usually do,
506
00:32:39,184 --> 00:32:41,104
but you're also my friend.
507
00:32:41,144 --> 00:32:43,504
You absolutely do my head in
sometimes...
508
00:32:44,544 --> 00:32:47,704
..but I love you. I love you
like the brother I never had
509
00:32:47,744 --> 00:32:51,864
and... I don't know what I'd do...
510
00:32:51,904 --> 00:32:54,184
I don't know what I'd do
if I ever lost you.
511
00:32:54,224 --> 00:32:58,104
All right, enough.
I'm going before you set me off.
512
00:33:04,144 --> 00:33:06,224
Come here.
513
00:33:08,344 --> 00:33:10,344
Straight to bed, please?
514
00:33:10,384 --> 00:33:12,344
I've got to get some numbers
out the salon
515
00:33:12,384 --> 00:33:14,544
to cancel some appointments
but after that,
516
00:33:14,584 --> 00:33:16,464
I promise, straight to bed.
517
00:33:21,184 --> 00:33:23,104
Are you all right, son?
518
00:33:23,144 --> 00:33:25,304
As long as Kenneth's OK, I'll be OK.
519
00:33:25,344 --> 00:33:27,344
I don't know what
you're worried about.
520
00:33:27,384 --> 00:33:29,984
By Benidorm standards,
he's practically an athlete.
521
00:33:30,024 --> 00:33:34,104
So you see, it was simply
a huge misunderstanding.
522
00:33:34,144 --> 00:33:39,104
I mean, actually it's quite funny
when one stops and thinks about it.
523
00:33:39,144 --> 00:33:42,384
He gave us a list
of local sex shops.
524
00:33:42,424 --> 00:33:44,264
A list? How many are there?
525
00:33:44,304 --> 00:33:46,544
The one in the old town
looks very good.
526
00:33:47,264 --> 00:33:50,504
It was not my fault. I looked up
Amsterdam on the interweb.
527
00:33:50,544 --> 00:33:53,464
I think this is a case
of you shooting on the messenger.
528
00:33:53,504 --> 00:33:57,384
I would like to stress that we
are not without a sense of humour
529
00:33:57,424 --> 00:34:00,944
but this was a case
of mass stereotyping
530
00:34:00,984 --> 00:34:03,224
and blatant xenophobia.
531
00:34:03,264 --> 00:34:05,904
Not all people from Amsterdam
532
00:34:05,944 --> 00:34:09,344
are Edam cheese eating,
sex mad drug takers.
533
00:34:09,384 --> 00:34:13,504
The tulips in the room
were a nice touch. Shut up!
534
00:34:13,544 --> 00:34:18,224
You have my personal guarantee that
you will all be treated with dignity
535
00:34:18,264 --> 00:34:21,344
and respect for the remainder
of your stay.
536
00:34:21,384 --> 00:34:23,584
Well, we are leaving in the morning.
537
00:34:24,264 --> 00:34:26,624
I appreciate your words.
538
00:34:26,664 --> 00:34:30,464
Now, as you know, we've been trying
our best to attract more customers
539
00:34:30,504 --> 00:34:33,944
from the Netherlands.
I'm sure a staff photograph
540
00:34:33,984 --> 00:34:37,344
with such high profile dignitaries
as yourselves
541
00:34:37,384 --> 00:34:39,424
would give us a helping hand.
542
00:34:39,464 --> 00:34:41,704
Yeah, yeah, that will be fine.
543
00:34:52,464 --> 00:34:55,184
And now especially
for Mr Jan De Grope,
544
00:34:55,224 --> 00:34:58,144
there's a name for you,
and our visitors from Amsterdam,
545
00:34:58,184 --> 00:35:00,144
we have the Dutch National Anthem.
546
00:35:00,784 --> 00:35:02,944
And what better time than now?
Lesley!
547
00:35:06,784 --> 00:35:10,704
♪ A mouse lived in a windmill
in old Amsterdam
548
00:35:10,744 --> 00:35:12,984
Say Edam.
Edam!
549
00:35:13,024 --> 00:35:16,944
♪ He wasn't grousing,
he sang every morning
550
00:35:16,984 --> 00:35:19,104
♪ How lucky I am
551
00:35:19,144 --> 00:35:22,704
♪ Living in a windmill
in old Amsterdam
552
00:35:22,744 --> 00:35:26,224
♪ I saw a mouse
Where?!
553
00:35:26,264 --> 00:35:28,264
♪ There on the stair
554
00:35:28,304 --> 00:35:31,064
♪ Where on the stair?
♪ Right there ♪
555
00:35:36,353 --> 00:35:39,753
It will probably be just
a quick hello with Pepe,
556
00:35:39,793 --> 00:35:43,993
I hope you don't mind. Just to meet
him is a dream come true.
557
00:35:44,033 --> 00:35:47,673
He doesn't speak any English
but his wife's British
558
00:35:47,713 --> 00:35:49,833
so it won't be awkward.
559
00:35:49,873 --> 00:35:54,353
Actually, she's Scottish,
you might even know her.
560
00:35:54,393 --> 00:35:58,553
Like when Americans think if you
live in the UK, you know the Queen.
561
00:35:58,593 --> 00:36:00,993
We know loads of queens.
562
00:36:07,393 --> 00:36:10,033
Donald Stewart, oh, my God.
563
00:36:10,073 --> 00:36:13,553
Aggie Campbell, I don't believe it!
564
00:36:14,233 --> 00:36:18,113
Oh, memories. What on earth
are you doing here?
565
00:36:18,153 --> 00:36:22,073
We're friends of Queenie but
we holiday in Benidorm every year.
566
00:36:22,113 --> 00:36:24,753
I'm so sorry,
this is my wife Jacqueline.
567
00:36:24,793 --> 00:36:28,193
Jacqueline, this is an old flame
of mine Aggie Campbell.
568
00:36:28,233 --> 00:36:31,913
Aggie. Nobody's called me
that for 30 years.
569
00:36:31,953 --> 00:36:36,033
You look amazing. You look
not too bad, yourself.
570
00:36:36,073 --> 00:36:39,793
Oh, I'm sorry,
this is my husband Pepe.
571
00:36:39,833 --> 00:36:45,553
It's an absolute honour and
a pleasure to meet you, Mr Le Pew.
572
00:36:45,593 --> 00:36:50,433
I mean Mr De La Cruz.
Sorry, I'm a bit nervous.
573
00:36:50,473 --> 00:36:52,433
Buenos Noches.
574
00:36:52,473 --> 00:36:54,913
Nervous about meeting him?
You've got to be joking.
575
00:36:54,953 --> 00:36:57,393
How long have you been married?
Where did you meet?
576
00:36:57,433 --> 00:37:00,793
What have you been doing these past,
goodness knows how many years?
577
00:37:00,833 --> 00:37:03,713
So many questions, Donald,
so little time.
578
00:37:03,753 --> 00:37:07,353
I'll tell you what, why don't the
five of us split from this place?
579
00:37:07,393 --> 00:37:09,193
We could go and have dinner
somewhere.
580
00:37:09,233 --> 00:37:12,753
Old Pepe's tired of pop stars
kissing his arse, anyway.
581
00:37:12,793 --> 00:37:17,313
Is that OK with you, Queenie? You
know me, Donald, I'm easy!
582
00:37:17,353 --> 00:37:20,513
Fan-bloody-tastic.
583
00:37:40,393 --> 00:37:42,393
We're closed. Come back tomorrow.
584
00:37:44,073 --> 00:37:46,033
Who is it?
585
00:37:46,073 --> 00:37:47,953
Who's there?
586
00:37:54,113 --> 00:37:57,193
All right, Kenneth? How's it going?
587
00:37:57,233 --> 00:37:59,193
What do you want?
588
00:38:02,953 --> 00:38:07,073
I'm Norman the doorman
from Herbert's club.
589
00:38:07,113 --> 00:38:09,113
I know who you are.
What do you want?
590
00:38:09,153 --> 00:38:11,113
That's not very friendly.
591
00:38:15,473 --> 00:38:19,113
What's that? Your uncle Herbert was
dead chuffed to see you last week
592
00:38:19,153 --> 00:38:21,873
but he's also a businessman.
What does that mean?
593
00:38:24,233 --> 00:38:26,673
The fact is...
594
00:38:27,193 --> 00:38:28,953
..he was actually a bit pissed off
595
00:38:28,993 --> 00:38:32,353
that there's a hairdressers in
Benidorm that didn't belong to him...
596
00:38:32,393 --> 00:38:35,753
so he bought it.
Herbert bought Blow and Go?
597
00:38:36,913 --> 00:38:40,993
But it's not for sale. Everything's
for sale if you've got enough money.
598
00:38:42,193 --> 00:38:44,273
Anyway, that's your rent demand.
599
00:38:44,313 --> 00:38:47,113
Herbert always takes
his first year's rent up front.
600
00:38:47,153 --> 00:38:50,153
A year's rent?
You've got to be joking.
601
00:38:50,193 --> 00:38:54,273
And rates and utilities and
insurance.
602
00:38:55,473 --> 00:38:59,433
Herbert thinks the world of you,
Kenneth but business is business.
603
00:39:01,433 --> 00:39:03,433
Are you OK?
604
00:39:04,313 --> 00:39:06,313
I'm fine.
605
00:39:13,433 --> 00:39:18,513
Total amount payable... zero. That's
just Herbert's slightly dramatic way
606
00:39:18,553 --> 00:39:21,433
of saying he's bought
the salon... for you.
607
00:39:22,913 --> 00:39:24,873
What?
Well, it's in his name
608
00:39:24,913 --> 00:39:27,993
but you can stay here rent-free
for as long as you like.
609
00:39:28,033 --> 00:39:30,073
I can't believe this.
610
00:39:30,953 --> 00:39:34,033
Wh-why didn't he come in and see me
or just give me a ring?
611
00:39:34,073 --> 00:39:36,273
I know.
612
00:39:36,313 --> 00:39:40,353
He's a great guy, Herbert,
but he can be one camp old bastard.
613
00:39:41,593 --> 00:39:43,593
I'd better get back to work.
614
00:39:46,033 --> 00:39:49,353
Drop in the club sometime.
Your name's always on the door.
615
00:39:54,473 --> 00:39:57,313
Who exactly apologised?
All three of them.
616
00:39:57,353 --> 00:39:59,753
My mam said sorry for being moody
at the spa,
617
00:39:59,793 --> 00:40:01,633
my dad said sorry
for having a go at you
618
00:40:01,673 --> 00:40:04,273
and my nana said sorry
for being rude. It's about time.
619
00:40:04,313 --> 00:40:06,953
They also said if you wanna
go for a drink at the bar later,
620
00:40:06,993 --> 00:40:09,393
the first round's on them.
It's all-inclusive.
621
00:40:09,433 --> 00:40:11,353
I know, I think it was a joke.
622
00:40:15,073 --> 00:40:17,433
I don't know how but I think
we got away with that.
623
00:40:17,473 --> 00:40:19,113
Of course. Who on the earth
624
00:40:19,153 --> 00:40:21,633
knows what the Dutch National Anthem
is like, anyway?
625
00:40:22,393 --> 00:40:24,393
Possibly the Dutch.
626
00:40:24,433 --> 00:40:26,433
Oh, yes.
627
00:40:26,473 --> 00:40:29,833
Right, I'm done in.
I'm having an early night.
628
00:40:29,873 --> 00:40:32,673
Miss Temple-Savage, are you OK?
629
00:40:34,153 --> 00:40:38,473
No, no, I'm not OK.
You are worried about Squirrel, no?
630
00:40:39,633 --> 00:40:43,473
It's just so out of character for
him to leave without saying goodbye.
631
00:40:43,513 --> 00:40:47,753
He did not say why in his letter?
632
00:40:48,953 --> 00:40:51,273
What letter?
Oops.
633
00:40:51,313 --> 00:40:53,953
What are you talking about?
No, no letter.
634
00:40:53,993 --> 00:40:56,233
Mateo, what letter?
635
00:40:56,273 --> 00:40:59,953
One of the staff, she put
the letter under your door...
636
00:40:59,993 --> 00:41:01,913
from Squirrel.
637
00:41:01,953 --> 00:41:04,873
When? I've had no letter.
Why didn't you say?
638
00:41:04,913 --> 00:41:08,153
It was yesterday but Squirrel
told her not to say anything.
639
00:41:08,193 --> 00:41:10,593
But there was no letter under my...
640
00:41:12,873 --> 00:41:15,153
Unless...
641
00:41:30,553 --> 00:41:33,113
They definitely apologised?
Yeah.
642
00:41:33,153 --> 00:41:35,153
Which one?
All of them.
643
00:41:35,193 --> 00:41:37,233
The mam said sorry about the spa,
644
00:41:37,273 --> 00:41:39,473
the dad said sorry
for having a go at you
645
00:41:39,513 --> 00:41:43,593
and Tiger apologised for... well,
letting me get a tattoo,
646
00:41:43,633 --> 00:41:45,553
even though it wasn't his fault.
647
00:41:45,593 --> 00:41:48,553
I don't believe it.
Well, that's up to you
648
00:41:48,593 --> 00:41:50,273
but they did, they apologised
649
00:41:50,313 --> 00:41:52,633
and they want to have a drink
with us at the bar.
650
00:42:06,833 --> 00:42:09,113
'My darling, Joyce.
651
00:42:09,153 --> 00:42:11,433
This is such a difficult
letter to write.
652
00:42:11,473 --> 00:42:13,993
I'm using one of those
little betting shop pens
653
00:42:14,033 --> 00:42:16,953
and the top of it
keeps digging into my hand.
654
00:42:16,993 --> 00:42:22,233
But it's also difficult because
I know how I've let you down.
655
00:42:22,273 --> 00:42:26,313
I put your career in jeopardy
and that is inexcusable.
656
00:42:27,353 --> 00:42:30,353
I once put my late wife
Genevieve's job in danger
657
00:42:30,393 --> 00:42:33,433
when she worked as a rat catcher
in the late '80s.
658
00:42:33,473 --> 00:42:37,713
Being the animal lover I am,
I stayed up one night
659
00:42:37,753 --> 00:42:39,953
loosening all the springs
on her traps.
660
00:42:39,993 --> 00:42:41,993
But I digress.
661
00:42:42,033 --> 00:42:44,873
If you feel you can forgive me
662
00:42:44,913 --> 00:42:47,513
and you think there is some way
I can redeem myself,
663
00:42:47,553 --> 00:42:51,433
I'll be in the Julio Iglesias square
all day Tuesday
664
00:42:51,473 --> 00:42:53,513
alone with my thoughts.
665
00:42:53,553 --> 00:42:56,313
If I haven't heard from you
by six o'clock,
666
00:42:56,353 --> 00:42:59,353
I'll start making my way
to Alicante airport.
667
00:42:59,393 --> 00:43:03,953
I have an open return ticket and I'll
be flying on the 9:30 to Gatwick
668
00:43:03,993 --> 00:43:07,953
with my hand on my heart
and a tear in my eye.
669
00:43:09,433 --> 00:43:11,553
I'm not sure I've convinced you,
Joyce,
670
00:43:11,593 --> 00:43:15,033
so please forgive me
as I play my final card.
671
00:43:15,873 --> 00:43:18,273
Joyce, I love you.
672
00:43:18,313 --> 00:43:22,833
I've always loved you
and I always will love you.
673
00:43:22,873 --> 00:43:26,353
I just hope you feel the same way.
674
00:43:27,353 --> 00:43:30,393
Forever yours, Squirrel.'
675
00:43:39,273 --> 00:43:40,993
So whereabouts are you going, then?
676
00:43:41,033 --> 00:43:42,913
I told you,
I've got a bit of business.
677
00:43:42,953 --> 00:43:45,433
Yeah, I know, you said.
What does that even mean?
678
00:43:45,473 --> 00:43:47,993
Ask no questions,
I'll tell you no lies, mate.
679
00:43:48,873 --> 00:43:50,953
All right, whatever.
680
00:43:50,993 --> 00:43:54,033
Maybe see you in the morning
or summat. Yeah. Sweet.
681
00:44:02,993 --> 00:44:05,033
I know what you did, you know.
682
00:44:05,073 --> 00:44:08,193
What did I do? You told your lot
the same as you told my lot
683
00:44:08,233 --> 00:44:10,673
and they both think
each other apologised.
684
00:44:10,713 --> 00:44:14,393
So what? It worked, didn't it?
Why did you do that?
685
00:44:14,433 --> 00:44:17,913
Because it's the right thing to do.
And you always do the right thing?
686
00:44:17,953 --> 00:44:21,073
No, I don't but when I do,
it usually makes me feel better.
687
00:44:21,113 --> 00:44:23,193
Especially if my family's
involved...
688
00:44:24,753 --> 00:44:26,673
..and friends.
689
00:44:33,873 --> 00:44:36,993
I thought you were going
to sort out your 'bit of business'?
690
00:44:37,033 --> 00:44:39,393
Mikey, I... I can't believe this,
691
00:44:39,433 --> 00:44:43,113
I completely forgot
to tell you something. What?
692
00:44:43,153 --> 00:44:47,033
That girl Elena, from the beach,
she was looking for you.
693
00:44:47,073 --> 00:44:49,073
You're joking? When?
694
00:44:49,113 --> 00:44:51,153
Earlier tonight.
695
00:44:51,193 --> 00:44:53,193
I looked for you
but you weren't around
696
00:44:53,233 --> 00:44:57,913
so I said for her to meet you
on the beach tonight at 9:30.
697
00:44:57,953 --> 00:45:01,753
It's 9:30 now. And the beach
is what? 90 seconds away.
698
00:45:01,793 --> 00:45:04,633
If I run.
So run!
699
00:46:21,749 --> 00:46:54,840
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700
00:46:55,305 --> 00:47:01,583
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