1
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:12,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.SubtitleDB.org today
2
00:00:40,577 --> 00:00:43,256
These sun beds are never-ending.
3
00:00:43,257 --> 00:00:46,137
You really shouldn't
be doing this at your age.
4
00:00:46,627 --> 00:00:48,777
Is there no-one to help you, Dad?
Not really.
5
00:00:48,790 --> 00:00:52,465
With all these cutbacks we seem
to be permanently short-staffed.
6
00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:55,479
I'm the only one putting out
these leaflets for Blow & Go.
7
00:00:55,480 --> 00:00:56,900
Kenneth's been no help at all!
8
00:00:56,911 --> 00:01:00,350
I know you're busy but what about
a helping hand? Aw! Thanks, Dad!
9
00:01:00,351 --> 00:01:03,511
That's very kind of you.
I'll see you later.
10
00:01:04,711 --> 00:01:06,951
No, I meant...
11
00:01:08,951 --> 00:01:11,431
Oh, bloody hell!
12
00:01:19,711 --> 00:01:21,671
Oh, for crying out loud!
13
00:01:41,431 --> 00:01:45,951
Oh, my God.
I am never drinking again.
14
00:01:48,671 --> 00:01:50,471
Ohh...
15
00:01:57,831 --> 00:02:00,071
Zack?
16
00:02:01,191 --> 00:02:03,071
Zack, are you in the bog?
17
00:02:08,631 --> 00:02:10,431
What...?
18
00:02:15,911 --> 00:02:18,471
What's 'taught' mean?
19
00:02:22,111 --> 00:02:25,790
This one is Terra Mitica,
is like theme park.
20
00:02:25,791 --> 00:02:29,030
You like exciting rides?
Not really.
21
00:02:29,031 --> 00:02:31,630
Excuse me, I've got an emergency.
22
00:02:31,631 --> 00:02:34,190
OK, then maybe this one for you.
23
00:02:34,191 --> 00:02:38,510
Aqualandia, is a water park.
You like to get wet?
24
00:02:38,511 --> 00:02:41,710
No, my friend's allergic to water.
How can this be?
25
00:02:41,711 --> 00:02:43,830
Is anybody else here?
I've been robbed!
26
00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:45,231
Please have some manners!
27
00:02:48,231 --> 00:02:52,270
For this one I can arrange discount
for the very prettiest girls.
28
00:02:52,271 --> 00:02:54,870
Give me your number and I call you.
29
00:02:54,871 --> 00:02:58,150
Why don't you go? They do a discount
for pensioners as well.
30
00:02:58,151 --> 00:03:00,030
What?
31
00:03:00,031 --> 00:03:01,951
Mate, please, can you help me?
32
00:03:03,031 --> 00:03:06,670
What is that written on your head?
I don't know. I woke up like this.
33
00:03:06,671 --> 00:03:09,391
Can I use your phone to call the UK?
Are you crazy?
34
00:03:09,391 --> 00:03:10,791
I am on Pay When You Go.
35
00:03:10,792 --> 00:03:13,710
Not your mobile!
I mean the hotel one.
36
00:03:13,711 --> 00:03:16,590
I've been robbed.
Everything's been taken.
37
00:03:16,591 --> 00:03:18,670
My phone, wallet, money,
credit cards.
38
00:03:18,671 --> 00:03:21,230
Is there any way I could
use your phone please?
39
00:03:21,231 --> 00:03:22,510
What's going on?
40
00:03:22,511 --> 00:03:26,150
Mateo, apparently the pool
is covered in leaflets.
41
00:03:26,151 --> 00:03:27,550
Could you sort it, please?
42
00:03:27,551 --> 00:03:30,910
Joyce Temple-Savage,
Solana manageress, can I help you?
43
00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:32,590
He wants to use the phone.
44
00:03:32,591 --> 00:03:36,190
I did not realise we are labelling
all the guests in-du-vidually.
45
00:03:36,191 --> 00:03:39,311
Is a good idea.
Mateo, the pool!
46
00:03:40,471 --> 00:03:43,031
I need to use your phone.
47
00:03:44,871 --> 00:03:47,471
Please?
48
00:04:19,591 --> 00:04:21,670
We've overslept!
49
00:04:21,671 --> 00:04:25,510
There's only 15 minutes
of breakfast left.
50
00:04:25,511 --> 00:04:27,910
I'm gonna have a shower later.
51
00:04:27,911 --> 00:04:30,790
Do you want me to save
you a sausage bap?
52
00:04:30,791 --> 00:04:35,790
No, no, I'll be down in a minute.
I just need to rinse my contacts.
53
00:04:35,791 --> 00:04:38,950
Glynn, I'm over here!
Oh, right.
54
00:04:38,951 --> 00:04:40,671
See you in a bit.
55
00:04:51,471 --> 00:04:53,751
Come on, come on!
56
00:05:01,151 --> 00:05:02,430
Clive's phone.
57
00:05:02,431 --> 00:05:04,710
Who's that? Is that Auntie Terri?
58
00:05:04,711 --> 00:05:07,830
What have I told you about calling
me auntie? You are my auntie.
59
00:05:07,831 --> 00:05:09,750
I don't look old enough
to be your auntie.
60
00:05:09,751 --> 00:05:12,830
You look old enough to be my gran!
Where's my dad?
61
00:05:12,831 --> 00:05:15,790
Gone up the offie for me.
I'm still bad with my legs.
62
00:05:15,791 --> 00:05:18,590
What's he doing at your house?
He hates you!
63
00:05:18,591 --> 00:05:20,510
I forgot my mobile.
64
00:05:20,511 --> 00:05:22,671
It just rang. I think it's Tiger.
65
00:05:24,391 --> 00:05:27,670
Tiger?
Dad, can you send me some money?
66
00:05:27,671 --> 00:05:29,070
What's going on?
67
00:05:29,071 --> 00:05:32,350
I lost my wallet, cards, everything.
I need a couple of hundred euros.
68
00:05:32,351 --> 00:05:35,670
Can't your mate lend you some?
He's the one who took my wallet.
69
00:05:35,671 --> 00:05:37,430
What's he saying?
Shut up.
70
00:05:37,431 --> 00:05:39,630
Dad?
I'll come out to you.
71
00:05:39,631 --> 00:05:41,390
What?! No!
72
00:05:41,391 --> 00:05:45,470
I mean, I don't want you and my mum
being dragged out here.
73
00:05:45,471 --> 00:05:47,590
I just need some money.
74
00:05:47,591 --> 00:05:49,910
I never said your mum. I said me.
75
00:05:49,911 --> 00:05:51,430
They've had a row.
Shut up!
76
00:05:51,431 --> 00:05:53,470
She's chucked him out.
Go in the other room!
77
00:05:53,471 --> 00:05:55,310
No, I won't, this is my house.
78
00:05:55,311 --> 00:05:59,030
She found knickers in the Land Rover
and they weren't your dad's!
79
00:05:59,031 --> 00:06:01,590
That's absolute drivel
and you know it, Terri!
80
00:06:01,591 --> 00:06:03,310
She didn't throw you out
for nothing!
81
00:06:03,311 --> 00:06:05,310
I am trying to talk to my son!
82
00:06:05,311 --> 00:06:07,550
What did she just say?
What's going on?
83
00:06:07,551 --> 00:06:11,670
I'll get the next flight out there.
I should be with you by tonight.
84
00:06:11,671 --> 00:06:14,070
If I can't get a flight today.
I'll ring you.
85
00:06:14,071 --> 00:06:16,710
Dad, why are you at Terri's?
What's going on?
86
00:06:16,711 --> 00:06:17,991
I'll explain later.
87
00:06:19,471 --> 00:06:21,870
What am I gonna do for money
until you get here?
88
00:06:21,871 --> 00:06:25,390
Two words, son, "all inclusive".
89
00:06:25,391 --> 00:06:27,111
I'll speak to you later.
90
00:06:29,311 --> 00:06:32,270
You really don't let the truth
get in the way of a good story!
91
00:06:32,271 --> 00:06:34,590
Did you get my vodka?
Get it yourself.
92
00:06:34,591 --> 00:06:37,591
Where you going?
Luton Airport!
93
00:06:38,671 --> 00:06:39,990
Bastard!
94
00:06:39,991 --> 00:06:41,550
Three hours!
95
00:06:41,551 --> 00:06:45,550
Three hours on the coach to get from
Alicante to Benidorm!
96
00:06:45,551 --> 00:06:46,790
Here we go again!
97
00:06:46,791 --> 00:06:50,070
They dropped that last couple off
in Bridlington before we got here.
98
00:06:50,071 --> 00:06:52,950
Don't exaggerate!
Why did they drop us off last?
99
00:06:52,951 --> 00:06:54,870
The coach went past here
three times.
100
00:06:54,871 --> 00:06:58,190
I'll tell you why, Jonah Lomu here
was elbowing people in the gob
101
00:06:58,191 --> 00:06:59,710
trying to get on the coach first.
102
00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:02,790
It should be first, in first out.
How many times did I tell you?!
103
00:07:02,791 --> 00:07:05,830
If your bags go in the coach first,
they're the last ones to come out!
104
00:07:05,831 --> 00:07:08,390
It's blatant racism.
How was it racism?
105
00:07:08,391 --> 00:07:10,950
Everyone on the coach was British!
The driver wasn't.
106
00:07:10,951 --> 00:07:12,990
Oh, for God's sake.
107
00:07:12,991 --> 00:07:15,990
Mrs Harvey!
Welcome back to paradise!
108
00:07:15,991 --> 00:07:19,230
Is everything all right? Your coach
should have been here first thing.
109
00:07:19,231 --> 00:07:21,550
Don't set her off!
Can I have your passports?
110
00:07:21,551 --> 00:07:25,230
Oh, now...
There's been a fax for you Mrs H.
111
00:07:25,231 --> 00:07:28,070
A fax?
Aye, some solicitors or something.
112
00:07:28,071 --> 00:07:31,390
I didn't read it, of course,
but it did sound important
113
00:07:31,391 --> 00:07:32,910
especially the bit at the end
114
00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:36,030
where they say they've been trying
to track you down for three years.
115
00:07:36,031 --> 00:07:37,310
Three years?!
116
00:07:37,311 --> 00:07:39,230
What's all this about, Mam?
117
00:07:39,231 --> 00:07:41,710
It's nothing.
Christ, what has she done now?
118
00:07:41,711 --> 00:07:44,590
I've not done anything!
Just mind your own business.
119
00:07:44,591 --> 00:07:46,950
Can you hurry up with these rooms?
120
00:07:46,951 --> 00:07:50,470
If something's up, tell us.
Can you just leave me alone?
121
00:07:50,471 --> 00:07:53,350
I'll go.
I'll come with you.
122
00:07:53,351 --> 00:07:55,750
Oh no, don't worry about me!
123
00:07:55,751 --> 00:07:57,711
I'm fine to sort
everything out here.
124
00:08:13,311 --> 00:08:15,510
"Dear Mrs Harvey,
we are contacting you
125
00:08:15,511 --> 00:08:18,630
"as the only surviving relative
of Mr Melvin Churchill Harvey."
126
00:08:18,631 --> 00:08:23,190
"This case has been open for several
years now", blah blah, here we go.
127
00:08:23,191 --> 00:08:26,790
"There has been considerable expense
in researching this case
128
00:08:26,791 --> 00:08:28,870
"but we are willing to come
to an arrangement
129
00:08:28,871 --> 00:08:31,870
"by payment of a percentage of
any monies recovered..."
130
00:08:31,871 --> 00:08:34,630
It's just a scam letter.
What did you get so upset about?
131
00:08:34,631 --> 00:08:35,990
It's just not nice!
132
00:08:35,991 --> 00:08:39,070
People using your dead husband's name
to try and get money out of you.
133
00:08:39,071 --> 00:08:41,390
No, it's not,
and fancy sending it here!
134
00:08:41,391 --> 00:08:43,510
Let's have a look.
That's what's upset me.
135
00:08:43,511 --> 00:08:46,030
I've had two letters at home
but I ignored them.
136
00:08:46,031 --> 00:08:50,870
Well, getting something here,
it's like they're following me.
137
00:08:50,871 --> 00:08:53,070
It says, "You are the only
surviving relative
138
00:08:53,071 --> 00:08:55,990
"to the Collins family
of Tucson, Arizona, USA."
139
00:08:55,991 --> 00:08:59,470
That's just rubbish! How can I be
related to anyone American?
140
00:08:59,471 --> 00:09:01,990
There's no fat people
with big gums in our family.
141
00:09:01,991 --> 00:09:05,190
"Please contact me as
a matter of great urgency.
142
00:09:05,191 --> 00:09:08,870
"I am available on
my personal cell phone 24/7.
143
00:09:08,871 --> 00:09:11,470
"Yours sincerely, Mr Buck A Roo.
144
00:09:11,471 --> 00:09:13,790
"Probate Attorney,
Los Angeles California".
145
00:09:13,791 --> 00:09:17,710
Let's have a look. Buck A Roo!
Are they taking the piss?
146
00:09:17,711 --> 00:09:20,310
What are his kids called?
Twister and KerPlunk.
147
00:09:20,311 --> 00:09:23,230
It's all right for you to laugh!
It's not you they're following!
148
00:09:23,231 --> 00:09:27,030
Mam, it's just a scam and not a very
convincing one by the sound of it.
149
00:09:27,031 --> 00:09:28,750
Just ignore it and they'll go away.
150
00:09:28,751 --> 00:09:31,670
Yeah. Yeah, you're right.
151
00:09:31,671 --> 00:09:36,990
24/7, that's not even long enough
for a mobile phone number.
152
00:09:36,991 --> 00:09:39,030
That means you can
ring them at any time.
153
00:09:39,031 --> 00:09:40,870
Well, it's still upset me.
154
00:09:40,871 --> 00:09:43,511
I've got a way of
resolving all this.
155
00:09:43,511 --> 00:09:46,470
There you go, all sorted.
156
00:09:46,471 --> 00:09:49,631
Now, if anyone wants me,
I'll be in my office.
157
00:10:00,653 --> 00:10:02,993
Lesley, is Blow & Go open yet?
158
00:10:03,022 --> 00:10:05,457
You've got to be joking.
It's nowhere near midday.
159
00:10:05,459 --> 00:10:07,212
I've been calling Kenneth
all morning.
160
00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:09,945
What are you looking for,
just a trim?
161
00:10:09,998 --> 00:10:11,518
You want us to give Liam a call?
162
00:10:11,526 --> 00:10:17,126
No, no, I need to speak to Kenneth.
It is, more, how you say? Personal.
163
00:10:18,219 --> 00:10:21,499
Oh, you're not having
one of them vajazzles, are you?
164
00:10:21,500 --> 00:10:24,538
What?
Oh, no, they can't be that for men.
165
00:10:24,539 --> 00:10:25,978
A pe-jazzle?
166
00:10:25,979 --> 00:10:28,499
I have no idea whichsoever
what you are talking about.
167
00:10:28,500 --> 00:10:32,018
Lesley, why are you
behind this desk?
168
00:10:32,019 --> 00:10:33,899
It's where I work.
169
00:10:33,899 --> 00:10:37,499
Well, some of the time.
I fired off a global this morning.
170
00:10:39,259 --> 00:10:41,578
It'll be that prawn curry
from last night.
171
00:10:41,579 --> 00:10:43,898
I was fine but then
I had the toad in the hole.
172
00:10:43,899 --> 00:10:46,818
I fired off a global email
instructing all staff
173
00:10:46,819 --> 00:10:48,938
of the time of their appraisals.
174
00:10:48,939 --> 00:10:50,658
Oh, sorry.
175
00:10:50,659 --> 00:10:54,499
You are ten minutes late.
My office, now.
176
00:10:58,939 --> 00:11:02,779
Oi, Casanova!
You're on in 15 minutes.
177
00:11:04,019 --> 00:11:06,138
On what in 15 minutes?
178
00:11:06,139 --> 00:11:07,778
Hola.
179
00:11:07,779 --> 00:11:10,618
Kenneth, Kenneth!
I need to speak to you.
180
00:11:10,619 --> 00:11:12,339
Wait here.
181
00:11:16,339 --> 00:11:18,219
Kenneth, I need your help.
182
00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:20,019
Right, hang on...
183
00:11:22,659 --> 00:11:25,219
I'm in a little bit of a hurry.
Shhh!
184
00:11:28,179 --> 00:11:30,458
Right, let's have a look.
185
00:11:30,459 --> 00:11:33,138
I have something I...
Shhh, shhh! No!
186
00:11:33,139 --> 00:11:36,379
Don't interrupt while
the muse is upon me.
187
00:11:37,619 --> 00:11:40,498
I see an '80s wedge in burnt sienna.
188
00:11:40,499 --> 00:11:42,098
No! Wait!
189
00:11:42,099 --> 00:11:45,178
Number four crop,
hint of a centre parting,
190
00:11:45,179 --> 00:11:49,658
bit like a soot-covered bog brush,
otherwise known as a Simon Cowell.
191
00:11:49,659 --> 00:11:52,298
Kenneth I...
No! I know. A Mohican!
192
00:11:52,299 --> 00:11:55,618
You've got a whiff of
Daniel Day Lewis about you already.
193
00:11:55,619 --> 00:11:58,818
Mind you, not so much
Last of The Mohicans,
194
00:11:58,819 --> 00:12:00,459
more My Left Foot.
195
00:12:00,459 --> 00:12:04,098
Kenneth, please listen to me.
I have a big problem!
196
00:12:04,099 --> 00:12:07,098
That's Edith done up the camp site.
197
00:12:07,099 --> 00:12:09,578
We've gone mobile.
Turn around, show him.
198
00:12:09,579 --> 00:12:12,378
"Blow & Go mobile.
We bring the mountain to Mohammed."
199
00:12:12,379 --> 00:12:13,858
"All religions catered for."
200
00:12:13,859 --> 00:12:16,298
Kenneth, I need to speak with you.
201
00:12:16,299 --> 00:12:17,778
I wanted to talk about this.
202
00:12:17,779 --> 00:12:19,738
Don't you think it's racist?
Racist?!
203
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:22,058
It's the opposite!
It means we do everybody.
204
00:12:22,059 --> 00:12:24,498
You never seen me with
pinking shears and an afro?
205
00:12:24,499 --> 00:12:26,338
How about "Blow & Go Mobile."
206
00:12:26,339 --> 00:12:28,858
"You do the dialling,
we do the styling."
207
00:12:28,859 --> 00:12:31,378
That's too boring.
I did have one other.
208
00:12:31,379 --> 00:12:35,058
"Don't leave the house.
We'll blow you right there."
209
00:12:35,059 --> 00:12:37,458
That's disgusting.
It's not, it's eye-catching!
210
00:12:37,459 --> 00:12:38,858
Kenneth!
What do you want?!
211
00:12:38,859 --> 00:12:40,938
Hello? We're still waiting!
212
00:12:40,939 --> 00:12:43,378
Now I have to go.
Go on! We're not stopping you!
213
00:12:43,379 --> 00:12:46,018
Is anybody there?
214
00:12:46,019 --> 00:12:47,219
Honestly.
215
00:12:50,419 --> 00:12:52,418
"Dial a do?"
No!
216
00:12:52,419 --> 00:12:54,978
"Cut to the chase?"
Shut up!
217
00:12:54,979 --> 00:12:58,178
So, you see, Lesley,
with recent year-end cutbacks,
218
00:12:58,179 --> 00:13:01,138
and the ongoing
financial crisis in Spain,
219
00:13:01,139 --> 00:13:05,138
Solana CEO Crystal Hennesey-Vass
breathing down my neck
220
00:13:05,139 --> 00:13:09,537
like a bull mastiff with halitosis,
my hands are tied.
221
00:13:09,538 --> 00:13:11,177
I still don't understand.
222
00:13:11,178 --> 00:13:14,017
You want me to help you
with the staff cutbacks?
223
00:13:14,018 --> 00:13:16,137
That's exactly right.
224
00:13:16,138 --> 00:13:19,017
Well, I mean,
apart from your core team
225
00:13:19,018 --> 00:13:20,937
which you'll obviously want to keep,
226
00:13:20,938 --> 00:13:24,177
I can only think of
Jesus in Maintenance
227
00:13:24,178 --> 00:13:28,857
and that girl in the kitchen with
the dry skin and the onion chaser.
228
00:13:28,858 --> 00:13:31,777
Onion chaser?
Yeah, she's got no gnashers.
229
00:13:31,778 --> 00:13:34,337
Apart from a single tooth
in the front of her mouth.
230
00:13:34,338 --> 00:13:37,938
I think her name's Juanita.
One eater!
231
00:13:39,618 --> 00:13:41,817
Sorry.
232
00:13:41,818 --> 00:13:46,337
The staff cutbacks,
to which I refer, include you.
233
00:13:46,338 --> 00:13:49,177
Oh, for a minute I thought... What?!
234
00:13:49,178 --> 00:13:51,617
I know what you're going to say,
witch hunt.
235
00:13:51,618 --> 00:13:54,617
What about Juanita? She looks
much more like a witch than me.
236
00:13:54,618 --> 00:13:58,857
No, I mean you are one of
several members of staff
237
00:13:58,858 --> 00:14:02,098
whom we sadly have to let go.
238
00:14:02,938 --> 00:14:05,257
I don't know what to say.
239
00:14:05,258 --> 00:14:06,977
I love it here.
240
00:14:06,978 --> 00:14:10,377
It's not just a job, it's my life.
241
00:14:10,378 --> 00:14:14,057
But, when one door closes,
242
00:14:14,058 --> 00:14:17,537
another swings gently ajar.
243
00:14:17,538 --> 00:14:20,977
We do have another position
available.
244
00:14:20,978 --> 00:14:24,457
It's less money...
Less money! How can it be less?
245
00:14:24,458 --> 00:14:27,497
I am trying to help you here, Lesley!
I know you are...
246
00:14:27,498 --> 00:14:29,457
As long as it's not cleaning.
247
00:14:29,458 --> 00:14:32,857
I can't stand the thought of being
on my hands and knees all day.
248
00:14:32,858 --> 00:14:34,098
Not at my age.
249
00:14:39,378 --> 00:14:42,177
Lesley, there you are!
250
00:14:42,178 --> 00:14:44,617
You will not believe
what just happened to me.
251
00:14:44,618 --> 00:14:49,337
Why are you dressed like a cleaner?
Because I AM a bloody cleaner.
252
00:14:49,338 --> 00:14:53,177
Temple-Savage sacked me
then reinstated me as a cleaner.
253
00:14:53,178 --> 00:14:57,017
She sacked me too, then offered me
a job as junior barman.
254
00:14:57,018 --> 00:15:00,857
Junior?!
I am forty... Almost forty.
255
00:15:00,858 --> 00:15:02,377
How can they make me a junior?
256
00:15:02,378 --> 00:15:05,977
That woman's got more front
than Blackpool. What does this mean?
257
00:15:05,978 --> 00:15:07,897
I just mean she's got
some brass neck
258
00:15:07,898 --> 00:15:10,617
to think she can get away with
this whole set up being a sham.
259
00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:11,777
Sham?
260
00:15:11,778 --> 00:15:14,617
Basically, she's now saving
hundreds of euros a week.
261
00:15:14,618 --> 00:15:17,577
I'll be a monkey's uncle if it's not
going straight in her coffers!
262
00:15:17,578 --> 00:15:20,137
Wait a minute, I do not understand.
263
00:15:20,138 --> 00:15:23,417
She's a crook, a swindler,
a snake in the grass.
264
00:15:23,418 --> 00:15:25,538
We've all been hoodwinked.
265
00:15:27,258 --> 00:15:30,337
And people say they have
a problem to understand me.
266
00:15:30,338 --> 00:15:31,298
Incredible!
267
00:15:40,578 --> 00:15:42,177
I am sorry for you to wait,
268
00:15:42,178 --> 00:15:46,218
I have been demolished to junior
barman so is very difficult for me.
269
00:15:51,698 --> 00:15:54,617
You are OK?
Yeah, yeah. I'm fine.
270
00:15:54,618 --> 00:15:56,977
Beer?
No, mate. I'm good.
271
00:15:56,978 --> 00:16:00,697
We do a good breakfast lager.
I'll have an orange juice.
272
00:16:00,698 --> 00:16:02,298
OK. No problem.
273
00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:07,657
Is your phone ever switched on?
Hey! Mikey!
274
00:16:07,658 --> 00:16:11,017
Is everything all right?
Not really.
275
00:16:11,018 --> 00:16:14,137
I Facebooked you from the airport
and sent a couple of texts.
276
00:16:14,138 --> 00:16:15,497
I tried ringing you as well.
277
00:16:15,498 --> 00:16:17,297
Drink for you?
Coke, please.
278
00:16:17,298 --> 00:16:19,297
Where's your mate?
279
00:16:19,298 --> 00:16:22,137
Zack? He's gone.
280
00:16:22,138 --> 00:16:24,497
Left last night.
What? Gone home?
281
00:16:24,498 --> 00:16:27,577
I dunno. He took my money,
credit cards, everything.
282
00:16:27,578 --> 00:16:29,017
What sort of mate is that?
283
00:16:29,018 --> 00:16:31,497
I only met him a week
before we came to Benidorm.
284
00:16:31,498 --> 00:16:33,377
I don't know where he lives.
285
00:16:33,378 --> 00:16:36,897
I even lent him the money
to pay for his holiday.
286
00:16:36,898 --> 00:16:39,297
Nightmare.
I know. I know.
287
00:16:39,298 --> 00:16:41,977
Come and sit with us.
Cheers, I might do later.
288
00:16:41,978 --> 00:16:44,337
I got to sort some stuff out
before my dad gets here.
289
00:16:44,338 --> 00:16:47,737
Your Dad's coming?
It's a long story. See you later.
290
00:16:47,738 --> 00:16:51,217
Tiger, you do know you've got TWAT
written on your forehead, don't you?
291
00:16:51,218 --> 00:16:54,217
TWAT?! You're joking?
292
00:16:54,218 --> 00:16:56,697
I looked in the mirror
and I thought it said 'taught'.
293
00:16:56,698 --> 00:17:00,017
Why would it say 'taught'?
I have no idea.
294
00:17:00,018 --> 00:17:02,697
I dunno. I'll see you later.
295
00:17:02,698 --> 00:17:06,137
She shouldn't get away with this.
It's outrageous.
296
00:17:06,138 --> 00:17:08,017
It is.
It's illegal.
297
00:17:08,018 --> 00:17:09,377
Probably.
298
00:17:09,378 --> 00:17:12,497
That tabard is doing nothing
for your school girl figure.
299
00:17:12,498 --> 00:17:15,017
I could customise it,
but it's not the point.
300
00:17:15,018 --> 00:17:16,697
What about a demonstration?
301
00:17:16,698 --> 00:17:21,737
Well, I thought I could pinch
the waist in a bit like that
302
00:17:21,738 --> 00:17:26,017
then maybe pull the neckline
down a bit further.
303
00:17:26,018 --> 00:17:28,537
I didn't mean the tabard.
I meant positive action!
304
00:17:28,538 --> 00:17:31,298
Picket lines, posters,
local news coverage.
305
00:17:31,299 --> 00:17:33,458
We've tried all that before.
306
00:17:33,459 --> 00:17:37,138
What we need is ammunition.
We can't shoot her!
307
00:17:37,139 --> 00:17:38,818
We can't. We haven't got a gun.
308
00:17:38,819 --> 00:17:41,658
I mean a different sort
of ammunition. Evidence.
309
00:17:41,659 --> 00:17:44,138
But, where are we gonna get that?
310
00:17:44,139 --> 00:17:48,099
Ah, I think that's where I come in.
311
00:17:53,659 --> 00:17:56,538
Hiya, didn't know you were here.
312
00:17:56,539 --> 00:18:00,378
Hola! Oh yeah.
We arrived last night.
313
00:18:00,379 --> 00:18:01,978
I hope you don't need the loo.
314
00:18:01,979 --> 00:18:04,218
It's closed down and
the lifts are out of order.
315
00:18:04,219 --> 00:18:09,258
Oh, I know! Six flights of stairs
I had to walk down.
316
00:18:09,259 --> 00:18:14,018
I'm not used to working so hard
for me sausage in the morning.
317
00:18:14,019 --> 00:18:18,658
Sorry it took me so long.
You know the lift's not working?
318
00:18:18,659 --> 00:18:19,978
We were just saying.
319
00:18:19,979 --> 00:18:21,578
It's Janice, isn't it?
Yeah.
320
00:18:21,579 --> 00:18:23,258
This is Glynn.
321
00:18:23,259 --> 00:18:25,538
Hello.
Hello.
322
00:18:25,539 --> 00:18:29,578
Glynn's from Wales.
Oh, lovely.
323
00:18:29,579 --> 00:18:32,338
It's his first time in Benidorm.
324
00:18:32,339 --> 00:18:36,498
Are you enjoying it?
Well, it's early days yet.
325
00:18:36,499 --> 00:18:39,338
Glynn's wife Riannon
326
00:18:39,339 --> 00:18:43,178
is on holiday in France
with my husband Donald.
327
00:18:43,179 --> 00:18:45,099
I see.
328
00:18:46,299 --> 00:18:49,539
Right, well, good luck with that.
329
00:18:50,699 --> 00:18:52,818
See you later.
See ya!
330
00:18:52,819 --> 00:18:54,978
Jacqueline...
331
00:18:54,979 --> 00:18:58,938
I was wondering if we could
go somewhere quiet for a coffee.
332
00:18:58,939 --> 00:19:01,378
Well, there's Ragtimes,
333
00:19:01,379 --> 00:19:05,498
but it seems such a shame to
go inside when the sun's shining.
334
00:19:05,499 --> 00:19:07,498
I mean somewhere
AWAY from the hotel.
335
00:19:07,499 --> 00:19:11,098
But, it's all inclusive here.
It's OK. I'll pay.
336
00:19:11,099 --> 00:19:16,099
Oh right, lovely!
Let me just have a quick wee.
337
00:19:19,019 --> 00:19:22,418
Ooh! Ooh! That's fresh!
338
00:19:22,419 --> 00:19:24,819
Won't be a minute!
339
00:19:28,779 --> 00:19:30,418
You all right?
340
00:19:30,419 --> 00:19:32,418
Not really.
Tiger's just been robbed.
341
00:19:32,419 --> 00:19:33,978
I'm not surprised.
342
00:19:33,979 --> 00:19:36,458
The lad's a menace to society.
No, he's not.
343
00:19:36,459 --> 00:19:40,218
Last year when you hung out with him
you ended up drunk with a tattoo.
344
00:19:40,219 --> 00:19:43,818
It'll only be matter of hours before
you've got a bone though your nose.
345
00:19:43,819 --> 00:19:46,698
What does that even mean?
It means he's an animal.
346
00:19:46,699 --> 00:19:49,618
Poor lad, who robbed him?
Someone he came on holiday with.
347
00:19:49,619 --> 00:19:53,218
Exactly, you lay down with dogs,
you pick up fleas.
348
00:19:53,219 --> 00:19:55,018
Oh, give it up, will you?
349
00:19:55,019 --> 00:19:58,218
Right, two beers for me and your mam
and a saucer of milk for your Nana.
350
00:19:58,219 --> 00:19:59,778
Brandy.
351
00:19:59,779 --> 00:20:02,378
I've just sat down.
Now you're just getting up.
352
00:20:02,379 --> 00:20:04,338
Come on Stretch Armstrong, move it.
353
00:20:04,339 --> 00:20:06,058
I'm supposed to be
on holiday as well!
354
00:20:06,059 --> 00:20:09,338
Good day, Joyce Temple-Savage,
Solana manageress.
355
00:20:09,339 --> 00:20:11,698
Is one of you Mrs Harvey?
Who wants to know?
356
00:20:11,699 --> 00:20:13,658
She's told you,
Joyce Temple-Savage.
357
00:20:13,659 --> 00:20:15,658
I'll take that as a 'yes'.
358
00:20:15,659 --> 00:20:18,418
A Mr Roo has left a message for you.
359
00:20:18,419 --> 00:20:22,218
Apparently, he's lost his wallet
at the airport and is asking
360
00:20:22,219 --> 00:20:27,298
if you can leave 100 euros in
an envelope for him at reception.
361
00:20:27,299 --> 00:20:29,618
Hundred euros?!
362
00:20:29,619 --> 00:20:32,779
Most people here didn't pay that
for their holiday.
363
00:20:33,499 --> 00:20:37,218
Anyway, to whom it may concern...
364
00:20:37,219 --> 00:20:41,058
Airport?
What's he doing coming here?
365
00:20:41,059 --> 00:20:43,618
Oh, my God!
I told you they were following me!
366
00:20:43,619 --> 00:20:46,898
It all makes sense now.
What you mean, "It makes sense"?
367
00:20:46,899 --> 00:20:49,538
You don't have to be Cagney & Lacey
to crack this one.
368
00:20:49,539 --> 00:20:52,178
It's someone who works here.
I don't understand.
369
00:20:52,179 --> 00:20:55,618
You don't have to, because I am
gonna put an envelope at reception
370
00:20:55,619 --> 00:20:58,498
and me and lazy arse here are gonna
wait and see who picks it up.
371
00:20:58,499 --> 00:21:01,619
What? Like a stakeout?
After you get the drinks in.
372
00:21:02,739 --> 00:21:05,498
Do you not think
we should call the police?
373
00:21:05,499 --> 00:21:08,058
What for?
No crime has been committed yet.
374
00:21:08,059 --> 00:21:11,458
Until whoever we grab gets his
head smacked in. What? By you?
375
00:21:11,459 --> 00:21:16,418
You couldn't smack your lips.
I'm off to get some cigs.
376
00:21:16,419 --> 00:21:17,939
You're welcome!
377
00:21:19,699 --> 00:21:21,139
Get out of the way!
378
00:21:28,779 --> 00:21:32,298
Four sugars.
Lovely.
379
00:21:32,299 --> 00:21:35,058
Well, this is a treat.
380
00:21:35,059 --> 00:21:39,098
Jacqueline, I'm afraid
I've had a change of heart.
381
00:21:39,099 --> 00:21:41,738
You want me to pay for the coffees?
382
00:21:41,739 --> 00:21:43,098
Oh, no, no, no, no!
383
00:21:43,099 --> 00:21:45,738
I mean about the... wife swap.
384
00:21:45,739 --> 00:21:47,338
Oh, right.
385
00:21:47,339 --> 00:21:49,898
I don't suppose that's
such a huge surprise.
386
00:21:49,899 --> 00:21:52,498
Well, when you got up
to the room last night,
387
00:21:52,499 --> 00:21:56,218
barricaded your door with
the wardrobe and shouted,
388
00:21:56,219 --> 00:21:59,298
"Come anywhere near me
and I'll call the police",
389
00:21:59,299 --> 00:22:02,218
I did have my suspicions.
390
00:22:02,219 --> 00:22:05,978
I'm sorry. Those two lager shandies
hit me hard.
391
00:22:05,979 --> 00:22:10,778
It's not that you're unattractive.
That has nothing to do with it.
392
00:22:10,779 --> 00:22:15,578
It's just, Riannon and I had been
going through a bit of a bad patch
393
00:22:15,579 --> 00:22:18,338
and, being very open-minded people,
394
00:22:18,339 --> 00:22:20,738
you know we're both naturists,
we just thought...
395
00:22:20,739 --> 00:22:22,818
So, you're not swingers?
396
00:22:22,819 --> 00:22:26,218
No, not at all.
397
00:22:26,219 --> 00:22:27,658
Oh dear.
398
00:22:27,659 --> 00:22:29,618
And, that's not all.
399
00:22:29,619 --> 00:22:33,098
I got a message
from Riannon this morning.
400
00:22:33,099 --> 00:22:34,898
"Having a fabulous time."
401
00:22:34,899 --> 00:22:39,338
"Donald is amazing.
See you in a few days, RiRi".
402
00:22:39,339 --> 00:22:41,978
Just ring her and say
you don't feel the same.
403
00:22:41,979 --> 00:22:45,738
No! Don't you see?
This is what she wants!
404
00:22:45,739 --> 00:22:47,818
She doesn't want me!
405
00:22:47,819 --> 00:22:49,978
She'd rather have some
huge, overweight,
406
00:22:49,979 --> 00:22:52,938
red-faced buffoon
bearing down on her.
407
00:22:52,939 --> 00:22:55,738
None taken.
408
00:22:55,739 --> 00:22:58,978
What have I done?
What have I done?
409
00:22:58,979 --> 00:23:02,939
What have I done to her?
What have I done?
410
00:23:05,819 --> 00:23:08,218
Now remember, Betty, don't stand up
411
00:23:08,219 --> 00:23:10,338
until I've turned it off
and removed the hood.
412
00:23:10,339 --> 00:23:14,058
When your hair caught fire last time
it was a waste of a pint of lager.
413
00:23:14,059 --> 00:23:16,538
- You all right, love?
- Thank you.
414
00:23:16,539 --> 00:23:20,738
Kenneth, I need to speak with you.
I'm glad that you've turned up.
415
00:23:20,739 --> 00:23:22,418
I've sent Liam to find Lesley.
416
00:23:22,419 --> 00:23:24,939
Apparently, she's dug up some dirt
on Temple-Savage.
417
00:23:24,939 --> 00:23:26,619
I need to speak to you in private.
418
00:23:26,620 --> 00:23:28,538
"In private?"
We're all in the same boat.
419
00:23:28,539 --> 00:23:30,858
No, you don't understand!
I have a problem...
420
00:23:30,859 --> 00:23:33,218
Shall we go somewhere
a bit more private?
421
00:23:33,219 --> 00:23:36,299
Don't worry about Betty. She can't
hear a thing under that dryer.
422
00:23:36,299 --> 00:23:38,378
Temple-Savage is across the hall.
423
00:23:38,379 --> 00:23:40,098
Oh... I know.
424
00:23:40,099 --> 00:23:43,299
Hello? Shop?
425
00:23:44,339 --> 00:23:46,778
I think you might be needed.
Argh!
426
00:23:46,779 --> 00:23:48,619
Is there anybody about?
427
00:23:54,219 --> 00:23:55,299
Yes?
428
00:23:55,315 --> 00:23:58,835
Hello, can you tell me what room
my son, Tiger Dyke, is in?
429
00:23:58,921 --> 00:24:01,721
Tie a what?
Tiger. Tiger Dyke.
430
00:24:01,721 --> 00:24:04,481
Do you not remember us
from last year? No.
431
00:24:06,201 --> 00:24:09,040
Ah yes, now I remember you.
432
00:24:09,041 --> 00:24:11,760
Your eyes they look much more piggy
without your erm...
433
00:24:11,761 --> 00:24:13,361
I forgot how to say gafas.
434
00:24:14,601 --> 00:24:17,760
OK, let me check.
Did you just say "piggy"?
435
00:24:17,761 --> 00:24:20,400
What is your son's name.
Tiger Dyke!
436
00:24:20,401 --> 00:24:22,921
OK, OK, don't shout!
437
00:24:22,921 --> 00:24:26,000
I booked a room online as well.
And your surname?
438
00:24:26,001 --> 00:24:27,960
Dyke!
You are Tie the Dyke?
439
00:24:27,961 --> 00:24:32,040
I thought that was your son's name.
My son is Tiger Dyke.
440
00:24:32,041 --> 00:24:34,601
I am Clive Dyke.
441
00:24:35,481 --> 00:24:40,040
Good afternoon, Joyce Temple-Savage
Solana manageress, how can I...?
442
00:24:40,041 --> 00:24:42,120
Oh, it's you.
443
00:24:42,121 --> 00:24:45,280
That's just the sort of welcome
I expected from this place.
444
00:24:45,281 --> 00:24:47,040
Well, you came back.
445
00:24:47,041 --> 00:24:49,600
Your all inclusive wristband
and room key.
446
00:24:49,601 --> 00:24:51,681
Thank you, Mateo.
I'll deal with this now.
447
00:24:53,161 --> 00:24:55,920
I have just dealed with it.
Pool bar.
448
00:24:55,921 --> 00:25:00,041
I am serving the Dyke.
Pool bar!
449
00:25:02,641 --> 00:25:06,720
Welcome back to the Solana,
Mr, erm, Dyke.
450
00:25:06,721 --> 00:25:10,240
I trust you will have another
enjoyable stay with us!
451
00:25:10,241 --> 00:25:12,320
I only came here
to look after my boy.
452
00:25:12,321 --> 00:25:14,240
He got robbed while he was here.
453
00:25:14,241 --> 00:25:16,640
Probably something to do
with the company he keeps.
454
00:25:16,641 --> 00:25:20,520
Yeah, or the crappy hotel
he's staying in.
455
00:25:20,521 --> 00:25:22,921
No pleasing some people.
456
00:25:27,401 --> 00:25:30,761
Hello? Kenneth?
Hello, can you hear me?
457
00:25:33,841 --> 00:25:35,801
Typical!
458
00:25:39,721 --> 00:25:41,640
I think she's gone.
459
00:25:41,641 --> 00:25:45,520
Sorry about that, Betty love.
I'll turn you back on now.
460
00:25:45,521 --> 00:25:50,640
Right, as I was saying, not only
has she reduced all staff wages,
461
00:25:50,641 --> 00:25:53,480
I found an internal memo
from Joyce to Hennesey-Vass
462
00:25:53,481 --> 00:25:55,760
saying she's gonna start
sacking people too!
463
00:25:55,761 --> 00:25:57,200
It's outrageous!
464
00:25:57,201 --> 00:25:59,040
I'm not surprised.
That woman is evil.
465
00:25:59,041 --> 00:26:01,440
How have you had access
to internal emails?
466
00:26:01,441 --> 00:26:04,881
Well, sometimes being
the lowly cleaner has its perks.
467
00:26:19,401 --> 00:26:22,880
So, come on, you haven't
mentioned a word about my mum yet.
468
00:26:22,881 --> 00:26:25,440
I texted her but she said,
"Everything fine".
469
00:26:25,441 --> 00:26:26,960
Yeah, well she would.
470
00:26:26,961 --> 00:26:30,000
That's all a case of,
'What the neighbours might think'.
471
00:26:30,001 --> 00:26:32,160
I'm not her neighbour, I'm her son.
472
00:26:32,161 --> 00:26:36,000
Your mother and I have been going
through a bit of a rough patch.
473
00:26:36,001 --> 00:26:37,560
For how long?
474
00:26:37,561 --> 00:26:39,120
About 23 years.
475
00:26:39,121 --> 00:26:41,280
You've only been married for 22!
476
00:26:41,281 --> 00:26:43,520
Well, no-one can say
I wasn't warned.
477
00:26:43,521 --> 00:26:47,040
You're splitting up then?
No, we're not splitting up.
478
00:26:47,041 --> 00:26:51,000
We ain't staying together
but we're not splitting up.
479
00:26:51,001 --> 00:26:52,641
What is that supposed to mean?
480
00:26:53,961 --> 00:26:59,120
All I can say is that this
little break for us, me being here,
481
00:26:59,121 --> 00:27:01,240
will probably do us
the world of good.
482
00:27:01,241 --> 00:27:04,960
I don't want you to split up,
but I want you both to be happy.
483
00:27:04,961 --> 00:27:06,640
Happy?
484
00:27:06,641 --> 00:27:08,800
Happy? Yeah, oh I remember that!
485
00:27:08,801 --> 00:27:13,000
Meanwhile...
I've got a great idea for tonight.
486
00:27:13,001 --> 00:27:16,240
Oh yeah, what's that?
We both get absolutely hammered.
487
00:27:16,241 --> 00:27:18,480
You know something, son?
488
00:27:18,481 --> 00:27:21,121
You're not as stupid as you look.
489
00:27:23,721 --> 00:27:25,921
Like father, like son!
490
00:27:27,281 --> 00:27:30,760
Give them back!
I can't see nothing without them!
491
00:27:30,761 --> 00:27:33,760
Oi, come back!
492
00:27:33,761 --> 00:27:36,480
Tiger! Tiger, come back here!
493
00:27:36,481 --> 00:27:39,000
You want one more for the roads?
494
00:27:39,001 --> 00:27:40,480
What?
495
00:27:40,481 --> 00:27:44,400
Another shandy?
Oh. How many have I had?
496
00:27:44,401 --> 00:27:46,960
I've lost count.
Two.
497
00:27:46,961 --> 00:27:50,560
I'd better not.
My head's spinning as it is.
498
00:27:50,561 --> 00:27:54,040
Oh, you're there!
I've been looking everywhere for ya!
499
00:27:54,041 --> 00:27:56,360
I'm sorry.
I've been licking my wounds.
500
00:27:56,361 --> 00:27:58,680
Have you spoken to your wife?
501
00:27:58,681 --> 00:28:00,560
No, but we've been
texting each other.
502
00:28:00,561 --> 00:28:03,240
I tried to suggest maybe
we'd made a mistake,
503
00:28:03,241 --> 00:28:06,440
but she was too busy telling me
what a great time she was having.
504
00:28:06,441 --> 00:28:09,160
She also told me your Donald
505
00:28:09,161 --> 00:28:12,040
had organised the wife swap
for your anniversary.
506
00:28:12,041 --> 00:28:14,440
Well, he's a very romantic man.
507
00:28:14,441 --> 00:28:18,120
Yes, but for your
25th wedding anniversary!
508
00:28:18,121 --> 00:28:21,120
I'm sorry, I just,
I just don't understand.
509
00:28:21,121 --> 00:28:27,041
Donald and I love each other dearly
but we also LOVE trying new things.
510
00:28:28,281 --> 00:28:30,840
Oh, I'm sorry,
are you waiting to close?
511
00:28:30,841 --> 00:28:32,720
No, no, is fine.
512
00:28:32,721 --> 00:28:34,520
Where was I?
513
00:28:34,521 --> 00:28:37,360
You and your husband
love trying new things.
514
00:28:37,361 --> 00:28:38,840
Thank you.
515
00:28:38,841 --> 00:28:43,600
We love trying new things and
what makes it all even better
516
00:28:43,601 --> 00:28:46,400
is we know we'll always
have each other.
517
00:28:46,401 --> 00:28:48,640
Yes, but where's the romance?
518
00:28:48,641 --> 00:28:50,160
What can I say?
519
00:28:50,161 --> 00:28:53,280
Some days are romantic and some days
520
00:28:53,281 --> 00:28:57,480
we're going at it like hammer
and tongs with complete strangers.
521
00:28:57,481 --> 00:29:00,640
Variety is the spice of life.
522
00:29:00,641 --> 00:29:04,520
Do you want me to call
your wife for you?
523
00:29:04,521 --> 00:29:06,960
No, no, let's just leave it for now.
524
00:29:06,961 --> 00:29:09,880
All right, have a late siesta
525
00:29:09,881 --> 00:29:12,680
and then we'll have
some tea in Neptunes
526
00:29:12,681 --> 00:29:15,240
and work out what to do next.
527
00:29:15,241 --> 00:29:18,641
They do a smashing
toad in the hole here.
528
00:29:20,681 --> 00:29:22,561
Only in Benidorm.
529
00:29:31,281 --> 00:29:34,240
Dad, we've been here ages.
He's not coming, is he?
530
00:29:34,241 --> 00:29:37,840
Slowly, slowly catchy monkey.
What does that mean?
531
00:29:37,841 --> 00:29:41,120
It means shut up moaning
and go get me a beer.
532
00:29:41,121 --> 00:29:45,321
Ay-up, here we go, here we go...
533
00:29:48,961 --> 00:29:51,841
What are you doing?
I'm going undercover.
534
00:29:54,201 --> 00:29:57,160
Why are you hiding your face?
He doesn't know what you look like.
535
00:29:57,161 --> 00:29:58,761
Shut up, shut up!
536
00:30:00,161 --> 00:30:02,240
Here we go.
537
00:30:02,241 --> 00:30:03,761
Hola.
538
00:30:05,921 --> 00:30:09,080
Oh no, no, no, this is the Solana.
539
00:30:09,081 --> 00:30:12,240
Which way?
Up there, turn left.
540
00:30:12,241 --> 00:30:15,320
About 200 yards
on the right-hand side.
541
00:30:15,321 --> 00:30:16,800
Right. Thank you.
Adios amigo.
542
00:30:16,801 --> 00:30:20,000
Bollocks.
Thought we had our man then.
543
00:30:20,001 --> 00:30:22,800
I'm bored. I'm off to find Tiger.
544
00:30:22,801 --> 00:30:24,600
No, you're not!
545
00:30:24,601 --> 00:30:27,521
You've got no idea how important
your role in all this is.
546
00:30:27,522 --> 00:30:29,841
Oh yeah? What is my role?
547
00:30:29,841 --> 00:30:33,000
Head of refreshments, off you pop.
548
00:30:33,001 --> 00:30:35,201
If you're a good lad,
you can have a shandy.
549
00:30:41,441 --> 00:30:44,520
I don't know what I'd do
if I came into a lot of money.
550
00:30:44,521 --> 00:30:46,840
You could do something
with your hair for a start.
551
00:30:46,841 --> 00:30:48,280
What does that mean?
552
00:30:48,281 --> 00:30:51,600
You've always had split ends
and dry skin.
553
00:30:51,601 --> 00:30:53,880
It's not your fault.
It runs in the family.
554
00:30:53,881 --> 00:30:57,240
Thanks.
My mother was practically bald.
555
00:30:57,241 --> 00:31:01,481
Nana Baron? No, she wasn't.
Bald with a big, dry, square head.
556
00:31:01,482 --> 00:31:03,641
She looked like a Greggs steak bake.
557
00:31:03,641 --> 00:31:05,801
Woman down our street
won 100,000 last year.
558
00:31:05,802 --> 00:31:08,641
£100,000 I wouldn't know
what to do with it.
559
00:31:08,641 --> 00:31:10,920
If you don't know what
to do with it, give it to me!
560
00:31:10,921 --> 00:31:12,680
I'd give you 10,000.
561
00:31:12,681 --> 00:31:16,040
20,000 to our Michael
for a deposit on a house.
562
00:31:16,041 --> 00:31:18,880
I'd give our Chantelle...
10,000?
563
00:31:18,881 --> 00:31:21,680
'Ey?
You'd only give me 10,000?
564
00:31:21,681 --> 00:31:23,401
10,000 is a lot of money.
565
00:31:23,401 --> 00:31:25,960
I've sacrificed
my whole life for you,
566
00:31:25,961 --> 00:31:29,000
wrecked my bodily functions
to bring you into this world
567
00:31:29,001 --> 00:31:31,080
and you'd keep 90,000 for yourself?
568
00:31:31,081 --> 00:31:33,840
No, I just said
I'd give our Michael 20,000...
569
00:31:33,841 --> 00:31:35,120
Oh, I see!
570
00:31:35,121 --> 00:31:37,880
He gets twice as much as me?
Hang on, I haven't finished...
571
00:31:37,881 --> 00:31:40,920
Oh no, frig the lot of you
if that's how you're gonna treat me.
572
00:31:40,921 --> 00:31:42,120
It's hypothetic!
573
00:31:42,121 --> 00:31:47,160
It is pathetic!
10,000 quid for the gift of life.
574
00:31:47,161 --> 00:31:50,440
For God's sake. I'm gonna get
another cup of tea. Do you want one?
575
00:31:50,441 --> 00:31:53,961
No, you'll probably keep
90% of that for yourself as well.
576
00:32:02,041 --> 00:32:04,521
Hang on, here we go.
577
00:32:05,961 --> 00:32:07,801
We're on.
578
00:32:09,601 --> 00:32:11,241
Go on.
579
00:32:14,241 --> 00:32:16,401
Go, go, go, go, go!
580
00:32:19,481 --> 00:32:21,520
Get the envelope, get it!
Got it!
581
00:32:21,521 --> 00:32:22,880
What are you doing?
582
00:32:22,881 --> 00:32:24,840
Dad...
Stop struggling!
583
00:32:24,841 --> 00:32:26,560
You're going nowhere!
584
00:32:26,561 --> 00:32:29,640
This toerag thinks it's clever
to con pensioners out of...
585
00:32:29,641 --> 00:32:31,680
Hang on, son,
to con pensioners out of...
586
00:32:31,681 --> 00:32:33,280
Dad!
What?
587
00:32:33,281 --> 00:32:34,601
This isn't our envelope.
588
00:32:36,121 --> 00:32:37,600
Que pasa?
589
00:32:37,601 --> 00:32:41,200
This is Mario. He's collected a list
for the bullfight trip tomorrow.
590
00:32:41,201 --> 00:32:43,481
What?
He is a holiday rep!
591
00:32:46,481 --> 00:32:49,920
Oh right. Sorry about that, pal.
592
00:32:49,921 --> 00:32:52,240
So, our envelope's still
behind there, is it?
593
00:32:52,241 --> 00:32:54,280
What is your envelope?
Never mind.
594
00:32:54,281 --> 00:32:57,600
We'd better check on your Nana.
What about our 100 euros?
595
00:32:57,601 --> 00:33:01,601
I didn't put money in the envelope.
I'm not a complete idiot!
596
00:33:09,921 --> 00:33:13,961
# Open up your eyes
Then you'll realise
597
00:33:13,961 --> 00:33:18,040
# Here I stand with my
Everlasting love
598
00:33:18,041 --> 00:33:21,920
# Need you by my side
Girl to be my pride
599
00:33:21,921 --> 00:33:25,441
# You'll never be denied
Everlasting love...
600
00:33:25,441 --> 00:33:30,081
You see, son, the thing about
your mother and me is...
601
00:33:31,121 --> 00:33:33,800
It's all about compatibility.
602
00:33:33,801 --> 00:33:38,000
But, you've been together 20 years.
You must be compatible.
603
00:33:38,001 --> 00:33:41,640
Well, that's where
another word comes in.
604
00:33:41,641 --> 00:33:43,520
Tolerance.
605
00:33:43,521 --> 00:33:46,880
She's tolerated you for this long,
what's different now?
606
00:33:46,881 --> 00:33:48,640
Not ME!
607
00:33:48,641 --> 00:33:51,080
I've tolerated HER!
608
00:33:51,081 --> 00:33:52,600
Then she chucked me out!
609
00:33:52,601 --> 00:33:55,280
But, you must still have
feelings for her.
610
00:33:55,281 --> 00:33:59,840
I do. I do have feelings for her.
611
00:33:59,841 --> 00:34:02,960
It's difficult to describe...
612
00:34:02,961 --> 00:34:07,641
So, I'm gonna do it in a song.
No, Dad, please don't, Dad! Dad!
613
00:34:10,361 --> 00:34:12,920
You're not gonna leave that,
are you?
614
00:34:12,921 --> 00:34:15,161
I don't seem to have
much of an appetite.
615
00:34:18,001 --> 00:34:19,920
Oh, it's Donald!
616
00:34:19,921 --> 00:34:22,040
Hiya!
617
00:34:22,041 --> 00:34:26,200
Oh, happy anniversary to you, too.
618
00:34:26,201 --> 00:34:28,240
Glynn? Erm...
619
00:34:28,241 --> 00:34:31,720
Well, no, he's fine.
620
00:34:31,721 --> 00:34:34,960
OK love. Yeah, you get off.
621
00:34:34,961 --> 00:34:37,960
This must be costing a fortune.
622
00:34:37,961 --> 00:34:41,241
Night-night, love you!
Happy anniversary!
623
00:34:42,881 --> 00:34:46,400
I'm sorry, I just can't get my head
around this whole situation.
624
00:34:46,401 --> 00:34:50,321
I have nobody to blame but myself.
625
00:34:55,761 --> 00:34:58,681
# From the very start
Open up your heart
626
00:34:58,681 --> 00:35:03,680
♪ Feel like you've falling in
Everlasting love ♪
627
00:35:03,681 --> 00:35:07,440
Thank you very much!
Enjoy the rest of your evening.
628
00:35:07,441 --> 00:35:09,080
Good night!
629
00:35:09,081 --> 00:35:14,040
Thank you there
to Mick and Janice Gravy.
630
00:35:14,041 --> 00:35:18,241
Now, a round of applause for Clive.
631
00:35:22,681 --> 00:35:26,360
I'd like to dedicate this song
632
00:35:26,361 --> 00:35:29,360
to my wife of 20 years,
633
00:35:29,361 --> 00:35:35,361
and I mean every, every single word.
634
00:35:38,121 --> 00:35:42,681
# Oh oh ooh ooh
635
00:35:45,241 --> 00:35:47,881
# No no no
636
00:35:51,361 --> 00:35:57,241
# See I don't know why
637
00:35:57,241 --> 00:36:00,080
# I liked you so much
638
00:36:00,081 --> 00:36:04,800
# I gave you all of my trust
639
00:36:04,801 --> 00:36:10,880
# I told you I loved you
640
00:36:10,881 --> 00:36:14,880
# Now that's all down the drain
You put me through pain
641
00:36:14,881 --> 00:36:18,041
# I wanna let you know how I feel
642
00:36:18,921 --> 00:36:22,280
# Fuck what I said
It don't mean shit now
643
00:36:22,281 --> 00:36:25,961
# Fuck the presents
You might as well throw them out
644
00:36:25,961 --> 00:36:29,200
# Fuck all the kisses
They don't mean jack
645
00:36:29,201 --> 00:36:32,680
# Fuck you, you hoe
I don't want you back
646
00:36:32,681 --> 00:36:36,721
Dad, Dad! What are you doing?
Sit down, sit down!
647
00:36:38,121 --> 00:36:39,840
Oh, for God's sake!
648
00:36:39,841 --> 00:36:43,720
# Keep this shit from me yeah
649
00:36:43,721 --> 00:36:47,521
# You bad bitch I heard the story
You played me...
650
00:36:59,401 --> 00:37:02,681
Clive there with a very
personal message to his wife.
651
00:37:02,681 --> 00:37:05,441
Apologies to any children listening.
652
00:37:06,721 --> 00:37:10,840
We do have some unscheduled
entertainment later on,
653
00:37:10,841 --> 00:37:15,041
but while we wait for that,
play some music, Darren!
654
00:37:16,921 --> 00:37:21,841
# Congratulations and celebrations...
655
00:37:21,841 --> 00:37:25,040
What kind of a song was that
for a man to sing for his wife?
656
00:37:25,041 --> 00:37:29,200
Well, I've always said
honesty is the best policy.
657
00:37:29,201 --> 00:37:31,680
Where's all the romance
in the world?
658
00:37:31,681 --> 00:37:33,120
That's what I'd like to know.
659
00:37:33,121 --> 00:37:35,920
Here you're sitting
with a complete stranger
660
00:37:35,921 --> 00:37:39,240
on your 25th wedding anniversary.
661
00:37:39,241 --> 00:37:40,920
The world's gone mad.
662
00:37:40,921 --> 00:37:42,680
Oh, I don't know.
663
00:37:42,681 --> 00:37:46,000
People don't have to
live in each other's pockets.
664
00:37:46,001 --> 00:37:50,441
Sometimes absence
makes the heart grow fonder.
665
00:37:53,121 --> 00:37:56,760
A word please, Mrs Temple-Savage.
666
00:37:56,761 --> 00:37:58,241
Yes, can I help?
667
00:37:59,561 --> 00:38:03,120
Well, there's no nice way
of putting this but...
668
00:38:03,121 --> 00:38:06,200
You've been caught
with your pants down.
669
00:38:06,201 --> 00:38:09,560
What a charming turn of phrase.
Could you elaborate?
670
00:38:09,561 --> 00:38:13,880
Well, with the situation with
demoting most of the staff.
671
00:38:13,881 --> 00:38:16,520
What about it?
We have received intelligence...
672
00:38:16,521 --> 00:38:20,680
It's been a long time coming but
I can only see that as a good thing.
673
00:38:20,681 --> 00:38:24,760
No, hang on, let me finish,
we have received intelligence
674
00:38:24,761 --> 00:38:28,240
regarding your not-so-little
wages fiddle.
675
00:38:28,241 --> 00:38:29,400
Fiddle?
676
00:38:29,401 --> 00:38:32,520
I'm sorry.
What are you talking about?
677
00:38:32,521 --> 00:38:33,800
It's disgusting!
678
00:38:33,801 --> 00:38:36,241
As soon as this comes out,
your head will be on a pole.
679
00:38:36,242 --> 00:38:38,201
When all what comes out?
680
00:38:38,201 --> 00:38:40,160
I did not want to believe it,
681
00:38:40,161 --> 00:38:43,360
but it seems the evidence
against you is incongestable.
682
00:38:43,361 --> 00:38:45,880
None of you are making any sense,
683
00:38:45,881 --> 00:38:48,320
which I realise is
hardly headline news,
684
00:38:48,321 --> 00:38:50,800
but I would like to know
what I'm being accused of!
685
00:38:50,801 --> 00:38:53,320
We know the cuts you've made
to our pay packets
686
00:38:53,321 --> 00:38:54,800
are going in your pocket!
687
00:38:54,801 --> 00:38:58,200
I'm sorry, we've made a decision,
we're not calling the police,
688
00:38:58,201 --> 00:39:01,800
but I will be calling Hennesey-Vass
first thing in the morning!
689
00:39:01,801 --> 00:39:05,760
I wouldn't do that because
she thinks you've been sacked.
690
00:39:05,761 --> 00:39:09,000
We know all about that as well...
Been sacked?
691
00:39:09,001 --> 00:39:12,600
I had instructions from
Hennesey-Vass to make cutbacks,
692
00:39:12,601 --> 00:39:16,120
namely, to let two of the highest
earning members of staff go.
693
00:39:16,121 --> 00:39:18,080
But, I couldn't do it.
694
00:39:18,081 --> 00:39:23,000
So, I made small cuts to wages across
the board instead, including my own!
695
00:39:23,001 --> 00:39:25,440
I know it's going to be
a tough few months,
696
00:39:25,441 --> 00:39:27,560
but I'll slowly increase your money
697
00:39:27,561 --> 00:39:30,440
with the odd bonus
and small pay rises.
698
00:39:30,441 --> 00:39:32,280
That's the best I can do.
699
00:39:32,281 --> 00:39:33,920
Oops.
700
00:39:33,921 --> 00:39:37,721
Right, I'd better go
and introduce this group.
701
00:39:41,241 --> 00:39:44,641
Well done, Jessica Fletcher,
another case solved.
702
00:39:49,599 --> 00:39:53,918
Now, in a slight change to our
advertised evening of karaoke,
703
00:39:53,919 --> 00:39:55,638
may I present to you,
704
00:39:55,639 --> 00:39:59,839
Benidorm's own tribute to
The Stylistics!
705
00:40:04,879 --> 00:40:09,719
Happy anniversary, Jacqueline,
from your devoted husband Donald.
706
00:40:12,159 --> 00:40:14,279
From Donald for you.
707
00:40:19,199 --> 00:40:23,158
Those are nice.
Yes!
708
00:40:23,159 --> 00:40:28,038
# A great big movie star
709
00:40:28,039 --> 00:40:30,759
# Overnight sensation
710
00:40:31,679 --> 00:40:35,038
Mrs Temple-Savage,
I just want to apologise
711
00:40:35,039 --> 00:40:39,758
about the erm,
slight confusion we just had.
712
00:40:39,759 --> 00:40:42,638
Don't worry. These are desperate
times we are living in.
713
00:40:42,639 --> 00:40:44,078
I totally understand.
714
00:40:44,079 --> 00:40:48,438
I never believed the rumours anyway.
Even though you started them? Ow!
715
00:40:48,439 --> 00:40:51,838
Although the next time you think
you've caught me with my pants down,
716
00:40:51,839 --> 00:40:56,119
let's talk, rather than you
trying to pull them up for me.
717
00:40:59,759 --> 00:41:02,039
I need a drink.
Come on, I'll help you.
718
00:41:03,959 --> 00:41:08,118
Kenneth, you know I have been
trying to talk to you all day.
719
00:41:08,119 --> 00:41:10,278
Have you?
Yes!
720
00:41:10,279 --> 00:41:14,758
I need to ask you
to do something for me.
721
00:41:14,759 --> 00:41:19,558
Well, go on then.
No, it is... personal.
722
00:41:19,559 --> 00:41:22,239
Oh yeah?
I do not want anyone else to hear.
723
00:41:23,399 --> 00:41:24,679
Then whisper it.
724
00:41:30,919 --> 00:41:32,558
Oh, my God!
725
00:41:32,559 --> 00:41:36,919
Please, Kenneth, it is a secret.
Well, we've all got them, love.
726
00:41:38,119 --> 00:41:40,918
Lola, a woman in the old town,
she used to do it for me.
727
00:41:40,919 --> 00:41:42,918
I bet she did.
728
00:41:42,919 --> 00:41:46,359
Please, Kenneth,
you will do it for me?
729
00:41:51,119 --> 00:41:53,839
Meet me in the salon.
I'll be there in two minutes.
730
00:41:55,239 --> 00:41:57,918
Slippery nipple?
Yeah, two.
731
00:41:57,919 --> 00:42:01,719
# I'd give the world to you
732
00:42:02,999 --> 00:42:07,519
# I'd like to someday be
733
00:42:07,519 --> 00:42:09,398
# The owner of...
734
00:42:09,399 --> 00:42:12,398
Everything's gonna be
all right, son.
735
00:42:12,399 --> 00:42:14,918
Have you spoken to my mum?
736
00:42:14,919 --> 00:42:17,439
Not since we had the row, no.
737
00:42:19,279 --> 00:42:21,679
Maybe you just need
a bit of time apart.
738
00:42:21,680 --> 00:42:25,479
Yeah, maybe that's all we need,
a bit of time apart.
739
00:42:27,399 --> 00:42:30,918
The next 20 years
should just about do it.
740
00:42:30,919 --> 00:42:34,679
# I guess it's true
741
00:42:34,679 --> 00:42:40,799
♪ 'Cause I'm stone
In love with you... ♪
742
00:42:46,159 --> 00:42:50,519
OK, let's get you on your feet.
You all know this next one.
743
00:42:52,719 --> 00:42:56,758
# If I had money I'd go wild
744
00:42:56,759 --> 00:43:00,919
# Buy you furs
Dress you like a queen
745
00:43:02,359 --> 00:43:04,918
# And in a chauffeured limousine
746
00:43:04,919 --> 00:43:07,558
# We'd look so fine
747
00:43:07,559 --> 00:43:11,198
I'm off to have a drink with Tiger.
Oh, that's it!
748
00:43:11,199 --> 00:43:13,919
Next time we see him, he'll be
drugged up to the eyeballs,
749
00:43:13,919 --> 00:43:16,118
floating face down in the pool.
750
00:43:16,119 --> 00:43:19,078
Right. No alcohol and stay
where we can see you.
751
00:43:19,079 --> 00:43:20,158
Yeah, I know.
752
00:43:20,159 --> 00:43:22,318
Are we having a dance?
Ooh yeah!
753
00:43:22,319 --> 00:43:24,438
Oh, that's it,
leave me here on my own?
754
00:43:24,439 --> 00:43:27,438
Come and have a dance!
No, I don't want to be a burden.
755
00:43:27,439 --> 00:43:30,078
Well go on, just leave me here.
756
00:43:30,079 --> 00:43:33,238
You'd think I'd be used to
your selfishness by now.
757
00:43:33,239 --> 00:43:36,438
What? My mother got annoyed because
I wouldn't share my winnings.
758
00:43:36,439 --> 00:43:38,438
What winnings?
It's a long story.
759
00:43:38,439 --> 00:43:40,598
Hey, it's a shame
Buck A Roo didn't turn up.
760
00:43:40,599 --> 00:43:43,119
You could have shared
your winnings with us!
761
00:43:55,319 --> 00:43:58,758
Well, fancy seeing you here.
762
00:43:58,759 --> 00:44:00,838
Please, Kenneth,
don't make fun of me.
763
00:44:00,839 --> 00:44:04,998
Don't worry, Mateo,
we all have needs.
764
00:44:04,999 --> 00:44:10,318
So, the woman who usually does you,
when did she leave town?
765
00:44:10,319 --> 00:44:13,839
Three weeks ago, I can sort out
getting touched up myself,
766
00:44:13,839 --> 00:44:17,638
but it gets to a point
where I need the full head.
767
00:44:17,639 --> 00:44:22,799
Well, lie back and think of Espana.
768
00:44:33,839 --> 00:44:35,958
I think we should go for
Midnight Dream.
769
00:44:35,959 --> 00:44:37,999
I think dying your hair
Double Jet Black
770
00:44:38,000 --> 00:44:41,959
might make people think you're
sponsored by Magic Marker.
771
00:44:41,959 --> 00:44:46,799
So, going anywhere nice
for your holidays?
772
00:44:48,919 --> 00:44:51,318
# I...
773
00:44:51,319 --> 00:44:55,959
# Can't give you anything
774
00:44:55,959 --> 00:44:59,878
# But my love
775
00:44:59,879 --> 00:45:05,279
# But my love
Here we go whoo
776
00:45:09,239 --> 00:45:12,678
# I cannot promise you the world...
777
00:45:12,679 --> 00:45:15,159
Mrs Madge Harvey?
778
00:45:16,519 --> 00:45:19,478
Yeah? Yeah, I'm Madge.
779
00:45:19,479 --> 00:45:23,038
My name is Buck, Buck A Roo.
780
00:45:23,039 --> 00:45:27,238
You're a very difficult lady
to get a hold of.
781
00:45:27,239 --> 00:45:31,399
I can't quite believe
I've finally found you.
782
00:45:31,399 --> 00:45:34,639
# My devotion I will give
783
00:45:36,719 --> 00:45:39,319
# For as long as I live...
784
00:45:41,241 --> 00:46:10,600
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785
00:46:11,305 --> 00:46:17,237
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