1 00:00:01,593 --> 00:00:04,629 Seriously, I've finally figured out my problem with women. 2 00:00:04,797 --> 00:00:08,383 The capybara is the largest member of the rodent family. 3 00:00:08,997 --> 00:00:10,760 What does that have to do with me? 4 00:00:10,928 --> 00:00:12,596 Nothing. It was a desperate attempt 5 00:00:12,721 --> 00:00:15,181 to introduce an alternate topic of conversation. 6 00:00:15,781 --> 00:00:18,536 My problem is, I don't project confidence. 7 00:00:18,661 --> 00:00:22,166 I decided that the next time I meet a woman attractive, 8 00:00:22,291 --> 00:00:24,412 rather than holding back and being cautious, 9 00:00:24,537 --> 00:00:26,651 I'm going to assume the mantle of self-assurance. 10 00:00:26,819 --> 00:00:28,194 What's that look like? 11 00:00:32,586 --> 00:00:33,386 Hi. 12 00:00:34,725 --> 00:00:35,825 I'm Leonard. 13 00:00:37,415 --> 00:00:38,666 You are beautiful. 14 00:00:38,940 --> 00:00:42,417 You pop, sparkle and buzz electric. 15 00:00:42,662 --> 00:00:44,306 I'm going to pick you up at eight, 16 00:00:44,431 --> 00:00:46,931 show you a night you will never forget. 17 00:00:48,974 --> 00:00:50,049 Where are we going? 18 00:00:55,085 --> 00:00:57,890 Good news. I made it onto the team 19 00:00:58,058 --> 00:01:00,893 for the new Defense Department laser-equipped surveillance satellite. 20 00:01:01,320 --> 00:01:02,403 Excuse me. 21 00:01:02,980 --> 00:01:05,517 If we're changing topics, I have first dibs with capybara, 22 00:01:05,642 --> 00:01:07,842 a rodent the size of a baby hippo. 23 00:01:09,829 --> 00:01:11,154 Congratulations. 24 00:01:11,536 --> 00:01:12,331 Thanks. 25 00:01:12,456 --> 00:01:14,528 I have to get a security clearance, 26 00:01:14,653 --> 00:01:17,410 you guys might be hearing from the FBI. 27 00:01:18,088 --> 00:01:20,163 I don't want to speak to the FBI. 28 00:01:20,963 --> 00:01:23,513 - Why not? - I'm brown and I talk funny. 29 00:01:24,656 --> 00:01:26,711 They're doing a background check on me. 30 00:01:26,879 --> 00:01:29,176 They'll find a reason to give me a one-way ticket back 31 00:01:29,301 --> 00:01:30,465 to Gandhi-ville. 32 00:01:31,884 --> 00:01:33,718 When I say that, it's not offensive. 33 00:01:34,610 --> 00:01:37,138 Don't be ridiculous. You're here legally. 34 00:01:37,306 --> 00:01:40,093 Do you know how long it's been since I got through airport security 35 00:01:40,218 --> 00:01:42,101 without being given a colonoscopy? 36 00:01:43,562 --> 00:01:45,805 I try very hard to make our lunch hours 37 00:01:45,930 --> 00:01:47,599 educational and informative, 38 00:01:47,724 --> 00:01:50,323 but your insistence on talking about your own lives 39 00:01:50,448 --> 00:01:52,153 stymies me at every turn. 40 00:01:52,897 --> 00:01:55,147 Fine, tell us about your giant rodents. 41 00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:58,959 You squandered your time with me, and the moment has now passed. 42 00:01:59,296 --> 00:02:00,777 Feast on your disappointment, 43 00:02:00,902 --> 00:02:03,164 much as the capybara feasts on its own waste. 44 00:02:36,548 --> 00:02:38,198 "Bella, don't you see?" 45 00:02:38,674 --> 00:02:41,824 "Edward's only pushing you away because he loves you." 46 00:02:43,818 --> 00:02:44,832 Coming. 47 00:02:49,671 --> 00:02:50,753 Dr. Koothrappali? 48 00:02:53,215 --> 00:02:56,634 I'm Special Agent Page, FBI. May I come in? 49 00:02:59,197 --> 00:03:02,047 I'd like to talk to you about Howard Wolowitz. 50 00:03:04,708 --> 00:03:05,974 All right. 51 00:03:06,099 --> 00:03:07,854 How long have you known Mr. Wolowitz? 52 00:03:29,966 --> 00:03:30,916 Rum cake? 53 00:03:31,954 --> 00:03:35,136 No, thanks. Now, about Mr. Wolowitz... 54 00:03:35,261 --> 00:03:37,172 - Seven years. - I see. 55 00:03:40,662 --> 00:03:42,138 I'm in this country legally. 56 00:03:43,436 --> 00:03:44,786 I'm sure you are. 57 00:03:45,079 --> 00:03:48,478 To your knowledge, has Mr. Wolowitz ever committed a crime? 58 00:03:48,774 --> 00:03:51,142 Of course not. I'm here on an H-1B visa, 59 00:03:51,267 --> 00:03:53,321 which means I can't be associated in any way 60 00:03:53,446 --> 00:03:56,152 with crime or criminal activity. And I'm not. 61 00:03:56,691 --> 00:03:57,491 Good. 62 00:03:57,817 --> 00:04:00,573 To your knowledge, does Mr. Wolowitz have any foreign contacts? 63 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:01,841 No, just me. 64 00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:06,496 There it is. Here comes a cavity search. 65 00:04:07,561 --> 00:04:10,041 - Excuse me? - Don't send me back, it's so crowded! 66 00:04:10,209 --> 00:04:12,880 It's like the whole country is one endless Comic-Con, 67 00:04:13,005 --> 00:04:15,565 except everybody's wearing the same costume: 68 00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:17,290 Indian Guy. 69 00:04:18,283 --> 00:04:20,378 - Dr. Koothrappali.. - I love this country! 70 00:04:20,503 --> 00:04:22,470 The baseball, the freedom, 71 00:04:22,638 --> 00:04:24,461 the rampant morbid obesity! 72 00:04:24,586 --> 00:04:26,604 From California to the New York Island! 73 00:04:26,729 --> 00:04:29,602 - I'm a real Yankee Doodle boy! - Dr. Koothrappali, please. 74 00:04:29,770 --> 00:04:32,001 My country is of thee... 75 00:04:33,286 --> 00:04:34,148 ... liberty 76 00:04:35,317 --> 00:04:36,717 It's really great. 77 00:04:39,791 --> 00:04:42,115 When Howard said the FBI would be contacting me, 78 00:04:42,283 --> 00:04:44,033 I was expecting Mulder. 79 00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:46,440 Glad to see I got Scully. 80 00:04:47,850 --> 00:04:49,872 - Who? - Mulder and Scully. 81 00:04:50,836 --> 00:04:51,666 X-Files. 82 00:04:52,947 --> 00:04:55,044 "The truth is out there." Never mind. 83 00:04:56,559 --> 00:04:58,131 What would you like to know? 84 00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:01,759 You work with Mr. Wolowitz here at the university, correct? 85 00:05:01,927 --> 00:05:04,147 Yes. Of course, we're in different departments. 86 00:05:04,272 --> 00:05:06,389 He's an engineer and I'm an experimental physicist. 87 00:05:08,017 --> 00:05:11,128 One of those guys who examines the building blocks of creation and says 88 00:05:11,634 --> 00:05:13,173 "Hello, maker of the universe. 89 00:05:15,073 --> 00:05:16,873 "I see what you did there. 90 00:05:17,163 --> 00:05:18,163 "Good one." 91 00:05:19,071 --> 00:05:19,871 Right. 92 00:05:20,310 --> 00:05:23,573 Now, how would you characterize your relationship with Mr. Wolowitz? 93 00:05:24,443 --> 00:05:25,243 Good. 94 00:05:26,350 --> 00:05:28,100 It's a good relationship. 95 00:05:28,607 --> 00:05:31,407 Of course, most of my relationships are good. 96 00:05:31,749 --> 00:05:34,395 Probably because I exude confidence. 97 00:05:35,165 --> 00:05:36,919 People are drawn to that? 98 00:05:39,082 --> 00:05:40,590 Confidence, not exuding. 99 00:05:43,039 --> 00:05:45,715 Do you know of any groups Mr. Wolowitz is a member of? 100 00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:48,040 You are beautiful, you know that? 101 00:05:49,391 --> 00:05:52,209 You pop, sparkle and buzz electric. 102 00:05:55,155 --> 00:05:57,355 I'm going to pick you up at eight, 103 00:05:57,603 --> 00:06:00,103 show you a night you will never forget. 104 00:06:01,582 --> 00:06:02,612 Sounds great. 105 00:06:03,453 --> 00:06:04,303 Really? 106 00:06:06,730 --> 00:06:09,830 Can my six-foot-two Navy SEAL husband come with us? 107 00:06:11,926 --> 00:06:12,818 Is that...? 108 00:06:12,943 --> 00:06:14,749 I didn't see the ring with my glasses off... 109 00:06:16,853 --> 00:06:18,789 Look at that, I'm starting to exude. 110 00:06:22,661 --> 00:06:23,838 Want to get that? 111 00:06:23,963 --> 00:06:25,313 Not particularly. 112 00:06:27,365 --> 00:06:30,711 - Could you get that? - I suppose I could if I were asked. 113 00:06:32,083 --> 00:06:34,683 - Would you please get that? - Of course. 114 00:06:37,144 --> 00:06:39,107 Why do you have to make things complicated? 115 00:06:41,670 --> 00:06:43,403 - Dr. Cooper? - Yes. 116 00:06:43,571 --> 00:06:45,071 I'm Special Agent Page, FBI. 117 00:06:49,361 --> 00:06:52,996 You say you're Special Agent Page, FBI. 118 00:06:53,325 --> 00:06:54,582 Here's my I.D. 119 00:06:55,175 --> 00:06:58,860 And here is my Justice League membership card. 120 00:07:01,881 --> 00:07:04,090 But that doesn't prove I know Batman. 121 00:07:05,494 --> 00:07:08,845 I want to ask you a few questions about Howard Wolowitz. 122 00:07:10,450 --> 00:07:11,599 All right. 123 00:07:12,698 --> 00:07:14,824 I doubt anyone would risk the stiff penalties 124 00:07:14,949 --> 00:07:17,597 for impersonating a federal officer to ask questions 125 00:07:17,722 --> 00:07:21,222 a minor league engineer with an unresolved Oedipal complex. 126 00:07:23,527 --> 00:07:26,901 For the record, I truly support the FBI 127 00:07:27,026 --> 00:07:29,866 in the mission which is expressed through their motto? 128 00:07:30,354 --> 00:07:32,535 Fidelity, bravery, integrity. 129 00:07:32,703 --> 00:07:34,273 Correct. Now to business. 130 00:07:35,342 --> 00:07:36,889 Eighteen years ago, 131 00:07:37,014 --> 00:07:40,800 I sent the FBI Crime Lab samples from a bag of excrement 132 00:07:40,925 --> 00:07:42,962 that had been lit on fire on my front porch. 133 00:07:45,382 --> 00:07:47,682 For fingerprinting and DNA analysis. 134 00:07:49,181 --> 00:07:50,970 Why haven't I heard back yet? 135 00:07:52,389 --> 00:07:55,433 The FBI Crime Lab does have a lot on its plate. 136 00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:56,890 That's of little comfort 137 00:07:57,015 --> 00:08:00,730 to a nation attempting to scrape burning feces off its shoes. 138 00:08:01,540 --> 00:08:03,858 Would you mind if we talked about Mr. Wolowitz now? 139 00:08:04,602 --> 00:08:06,102 A little, but go on. 140 00:08:08,007 --> 00:08:10,573 Would you characterize him as responsible? 141 00:08:12,265 --> 00:08:14,369 I'm going to answer that with a visual aid. 142 00:08:16,442 --> 00:08:18,452 This is my nine-disc complete 143 00:08:18,577 --> 00:08:20,917 Lord of the Rings trilogy Blu-ray set. 144 00:08:21,085 --> 00:08:23,063 Mr. Wolowitz borrowed it, 145 00:08:23,188 --> 00:08:26,301 damaged plastic retention hub number three... 146 00:08:31,212 --> 00:08:34,051 ... and then returned it to me, hoping I wouldn't notice. 147 00:08:34,176 --> 00:08:37,042 Would you characterize that as responsible? 148 00:08:38,054 --> 00:08:40,520 That's really not the sort of thing we're interested in. 149 00:08:41,414 --> 00:08:43,514 You heard me say Blu-ray, right? 150 00:08:44,431 --> 00:08:45,316 I did. 151 00:08:46,159 --> 00:08:49,058 Very well. Would you be interested in knowing 152 00:08:49,183 --> 00:08:52,934 that Mr. Wolowitz once snuck onto my World of Warcraft account 153 00:08:53,059 --> 00:08:55,947 and changed the name of a certain level-80 warlock 154 00:08:56,072 --> 00:08:58,288 from Sheldor to Smeldor? 155 00:08:59,625 --> 00:09:02,792 I'm afraid not. Is there anything else? 156 00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:05,165 Is there anything else? Where would you like to start? 157 00:09:05,290 --> 00:09:06,901 He refuses to pay fines 158 00:09:07,026 --> 00:09:08,836 when he's overdue with books I lend him. 159 00:09:08,961 --> 00:09:11,676 He crashed the Mars Rover while attempting to impress a woman. 160 00:09:11,844 --> 00:09:14,562 He recommended that I go see the third Matrix movie 161 00:09:14,687 --> 00:09:18,287 because it was, and I quote, "just as good as the first one." 162 00:09:19,537 --> 00:09:22,503 If that's not irresponsible, I don't know what is. 163 00:09:23,008 --> 00:09:24,480 The Mars Rover? 164 00:09:30,883 --> 00:09:33,156 - Did I say Mars Rover? - You did. 165 00:09:33,765 --> 00:09:37,615 That was a poorly chosen example, as it had nothing to do with me. 166 00:09:38,699 --> 00:09:40,830 Yes, let's talk about it anyway. 167 00:09:40,998 --> 00:09:42,207 I don't want to. 168 00:09:43,376 --> 00:09:45,651 Not that my disinclination to discuss the topic 169 00:09:45,776 --> 00:09:49,376 should be interpreted as evidence of his culpability in the destruction 170 00:09:49,501 --> 00:09:52,258 of government property worth millions of dollars. 171 00:09:52,426 --> 00:09:55,136 Thank you, Dr. Cooper. I think I have all I need. 172 00:09:56,103 --> 00:09:56,903 Good. 173 00:09:57,525 --> 00:10:00,511 I was afraid you were going to fixate on that Mars Rover incident. 174 00:10:07,236 --> 00:10:08,262 Hey, buddies. 175 00:10:08,512 --> 00:10:11,903 Guess who didn't get security clearance to work on the giant space laser? 176 00:10:12,071 --> 00:10:14,864 - What happened? - The interviews didn't go well. 177 00:10:15,194 --> 00:10:17,700 You guys wouldn't know anything about that, would you? 178 00:10:20,605 --> 00:10:23,373 Actually, I may have gotten a little tipsy when I talked to her. 179 00:10:24,873 --> 00:10:27,127 And I may have hit on her a little bit. 180 00:10:28,053 --> 00:10:30,404 I may have thrown up rum cake on her shoes. 181 00:10:31,992 --> 00:10:33,687 I see. It's good to know, 182 00:10:33,812 --> 00:10:36,296 when I need you guys, I can always count on you 183 00:10:36,421 --> 00:10:37,971 to step up and ruin everything. 184 00:10:41,452 --> 00:10:43,309 - I feel awful. - Me, too. 185 00:10:43,782 --> 00:10:47,313 If anyone was going to screw things up, it'd be Sheldon. 186 00:10:49,620 --> 00:10:52,070 Your expectations have been subverted. 187 00:11:00,237 --> 00:11:01,826 What are you doing up? 188 00:11:01,994 --> 00:11:03,954 Sleep eludes me. 189 00:11:04,122 --> 00:11:04,972 Really? 190 00:11:05,507 --> 00:11:07,557 Maybe sleep has met you before. 191 00:11:08,521 --> 00:11:11,127 Mockery? That's all you have to offer? 192 00:11:11,295 --> 00:11:13,838 - I'm sorry. Why can't you sleep? - Who knows? 193 00:11:13,963 --> 00:11:16,713 I haven't watched any scary movies recently. 194 00:11:16,838 --> 00:11:19,265 I'm no longer obsessing over why the predicted mass 195 00:11:19,390 --> 00:11:21,233 of the quantum vacuum has little effect 196 00:11:21,358 --> 00:11:22,973 on the expansion of the universe. 197 00:11:23,141 --> 00:11:26,810 It's been weeks since I took that accidental sip of Red Bull. 198 00:11:27,707 --> 00:11:30,105 Did something happen today that's bothering you? 199 00:11:30,559 --> 00:11:34,447 I did mention the Mars Rover incident to that FBI agent 200 00:11:34,572 --> 00:11:36,987 and probably cost Howard his security clearance. 201 00:11:37,155 --> 00:11:40,031 - What? - But why should that keep me up? 202 00:11:40,686 --> 00:11:42,158 Because you feel guilty? 203 00:11:43,013 --> 00:11:44,113 Interesting. 204 00:11:44,686 --> 00:11:48,665 You're saying my insomnia is caused by a guilty conscience. 205 00:11:49,019 --> 00:11:51,751 Actually, you don't have insomnia. You're sleeping now. 206 00:11:52,055 --> 00:11:55,005 - Excuse me? - You're having a guilt-ridden dream. 207 00:11:55,173 --> 00:11:57,716 Do you have any evidence to support that hypothesis? 208 00:11:57,884 --> 00:12:00,218 How about that Gorn sitting on the couch? 209 00:12:04,485 --> 00:12:06,435 That seems fairly conclusive. 210 00:12:10,708 --> 00:12:13,023 That's where I sit. 211 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:17,694 Thank you for agreeing to see me, Agent Page. 212 00:12:18,045 --> 00:12:21,615 Thank you for filing a complaint with my superior, Dr. Cooper. 213 00:12:22,910 --> 00:12:26,203 I understand you want to recant your statement about Mr Wolowitz. 214 00:12:27,288 --> 00:12:28,663 Was your statement untrue? 215 00:12:30,861 --> 00:12:33,710 Then I'm afraid you can't withdraw it. 216 00:12:33,878 --> 00:12:37,405 I'm sorry. I don't recall you saying "no backsies." 217 00:12:39,395 --> 00:12:40,717 Is there anything else? 218 00:12:41,458 --> 00:12:43,649 I'd like to offer a laudatory statement 219 00:12:43,774 --> 00:12:45,597 about Howard's many excellent qualities 220 00:12:45,765 --> 00:12:48,451 that I believe will tip the scales back in his favor. 221 00:12:48,576 --> 00:12:50,322 "Howard Joel Wolowitz. 222 00:12:50,447 --> 00:12:53,104 "H is for honesty, of which he has much. 223 00:12:53,892 --> 00:12:56,729 "O's for outstanding, which he is such. 224 00:12:56,854 --> 00:12:59,331 "W's for witty, he's quick with a joke. 225 00:12:59,456 --> 00:13:01,404 - "A's for artistic, his ability..." - I'm sorry. 226 00:13:01,659 --> 00:13:04,407 Dr. Cooper, this matter is already closed. 227 00:13:04,575 --> 00:13:07,494 But I still have "rd Joel Wolowitz" left to go. 228 00:13:07,933 --> 00:13:09,330 It's closed. 229 00:13:11,468 --> 00:13:14,084 I don't understand why you people are picking on my friend, 230 00:13:14,252 --> 00:13:16,515 when there are much more serious security threats to pursue. 231 00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:18,617 For instance, when I first met Leonard, 232 00:13:18,742 --> 00:13:21,001 he was on the verge of giving away rocket secrets 233 00:13:21,126 --> 00:13:24,511 to a North Korean spy, and not one agent investigated that. 234 00:13:26,283 --> 00:13:28,015 This is Leonard Hofstadter? 235 00:13:29,415 --> 00:13:31,135 No, it's a different Leonard. He's... 236 00:13:31,894 --> 00:13:34,146 Chinese, red hair, six fingers. Good-bye. 237 00:13:39,401 --> 00:13:42,654 - Have you seen Howard? - I think he's eating lunch. 238 00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:45,377 I want you to meet Neil deGrasse Tyson 239 00:13:45,502 --> 00:13:47,242 from the Hayden Planetarium in New York. 240 00:13:47,515 --> 00:13:49,666 I'm quite familiar with Dr. Tyson. 241 00:13:49,791 --> 00:13:52,051 He's responsible for the demotion of Pluto 242 00:13:52,176 --> 00:13:53,852 from planetary status. 243 00:13:53,977 --> 00:13:55,125 I liked Pluto. 244 00:13:56,377 --> 00:13:58,096 Ergo I do not like you. 245 00:13:59,249 --> 00:14:00,659 I actually didn't demote Pluto. 246 00:14:00,784 --> 00:14:03,300 That was a vote of the International Astronomical Union. 247 00:14:03,468 --> 00:14:05,631 If "ifs" and "buts" were candy and nuts, 248 00:14:05,756 --> 00:14:07,680 we'd all have a merry Christmas. 249 00:14:08,995 --> 00:14:10,307 Think about that, Dr. Tyson. 250 00:14:12,769 --> 00:14:14,665 Is that the guy you were telling me about? 251 00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:21,313 The person at fault for you 252 00:14:21,438 --> 00:14:23,361 not getting a security clearance is me. 253 00:14:24,187 --> 00:14:24,987 You? 254 00:14:25,323 --> 00:14:27,457 Yes, but before you get upset, I want you to know 255 00:14:27,582 --> 00:14:30,160 I went to the FBI and retracted my statement. 256 00:14:30,748 --> 00:14:34,790 - And they were okay with that? - No. If anything, I made it worse. 257 00:14:36,420 --> 00:14:38,844 In any case, I have been riddled with guilt, 258 00:14:38,969 --> 00:14:41,667 which is causing Gorn-infested REM sleep. 259 00:14:42,809 --> 00:14:45,175 I'm here now to say I'm sorry. 260 00:14:46,006 --> 00:14:49,575 Are you kidding me? You've set my career back two years, 261 00:14:49,700 --> 00:14:51,807 and you think you can make it right with "I'm sorry"? 262 00:14:54,519 --> 00:14:57,498 I followed the social protocol. I attempted to right the wrong, 263 00:14:57,623 --> 00:15:00,232 and when I failed to do so, I delivered a heartfelt apology. 264 00:15:00,611 --> 00:15:02,762 Now you say: "Apology accepted," 265 00:15:02,887 --> 00:15:06,238 and I will offer you a one-time-only high five. 266 00:15:07,991 --> 00:15:09,699 Your apology is not accepted. 267 00:15:10,087 --> 00:15:12,035 You're tricking me. It really is, isn't it? 268 00:15:12,753 --> 00:15:14,246 Leave me alone, Sheldon. 269 00:15:17,381 --> 00:15:19,405 Dr. Cooper, I just wanted you to know 270 00:15:19,530 --> 00:15:22,045 I'm sorry for the role I played in the Pluto matter. 271 00:15:22,795 --> 00:15:23,630 Shut up. 272 00:15:32,307 --> 00:15:35,457 - What are you doing here? - I have troubles, Penny. 273 00:15:36,432 --> 00:15:39,771 I've come to pour them out to the sympathetic ear of the barkeep. 274 00:15:40,347 --> 00:15:43,775 They have a really nice bar over at the Olive Garden. 275 00:15:44,367 --> 00:15:45,994 I don't like the Olive Garden. 276 00:15:46,119 --> 00:15:47,919 They treat me like family. 277 00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:52,117 What can I get you? 278 00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:53,185 Alcohol. 279 00:15:54,296 --> 00:15:57,477 - Could you be a little more specific? - Ethyl alcohol. 280 00:15:58,304 --> 00:15:59,583 40 milliliters. 281 00:15:59,882 --> 00:16:02,002 I'm sorry, honey. I don't know milliliters. 282 00:16:02,751 --> 00:16:04,983 Blame President James "Jimmy" Carter. 283 00:16:05,586 --> 00:16:08,143 He started America on a path to the metric system 284 00:16:08,268 --> 00:16:09,971 but then just gave up. 285 00:16:10,096 --> 00:16:12,429 He wonders why he was a one-term president. 286 00:16:13,491 --> 00:16:15,265 Would you say that's about 40 milliliters? 287 00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:17,267 - More or less. - Great. 288 00:16:19,601 --> 00:16:20,520 Where were we? 289 00:16:20,849 --> 00:16:23,754 I believe you were about to ask me to choose a cocktail. 290 00:16:23,879 --> 00:16:27,129 Fortunately, thanks to computer-savvy alcoholics, 291 00:16:27,254 --> 00:16:28,797 there's an app for that. 292 00:16:29,896 --> 00:16:32,777 Let's see. "Harvey Wallbanger." 293 00:16:33,303 --> 00:16:35,285 "Sex on the Beach." I hardly think so. 294 00:16:36,758 --> 00:16:37,788 "Rob Roy, 295 00:16:37,956 --> 00:16:40,007 "Silk Slipper, Mad Hatter." 296 00:16:41,578 --> 00:16:44,418 - I'll have a Rosewater Ricky. - A what? 297 00:16:44,543 --> 00:16:46,850 You'll need "pitted, brandied cherries, 298 00:16:46,975 --> 00:16:48,500 "gin, rosewater, 299 00:16:48,625 --> 00:16:51,013 "Angostura bitters and over proofed rum." 300 00:16:51,138 --> 00:16:53,640 Now, first, "dust the cherries with sugar, 301 00:16:53,765 --> 00:16:56,502 "then spray them with a mixture of rum and bitters. 302 00:16:56,627 --> 00:17:00,277 - "Then ignite the rum..." - Here you go. One Rosewater Ricky. 303 00:17:00,987 --> 00:17:02,814 That's not how it looks in the picture. 304 00:17:03,669 --> 00:17:06,525 Every bartender makes it differently. Why don't you give it a try. 305 00:17:07,565 --> 00:17:08,565 All right. 306 00:17:10,714 --> 00:17:12,264 To the metric system. 307 00:17:23,499 --> 00:17:25,349 I can't taste the cherries. 308 00:17:27,791 --> 00:17:29,923 All right. What's on your mind? 309 00:17:30,712 --> 00:17:33,760 I wronged Howard, and he won't accept my apology. 310 00:17:34,298 --> 00:17:37,139 Right, that. Leonard told me, sorry, honey. 311 00:17:38,151 --> 00:17:40,100 You face failure on a daily basis. 312 00:17:42,421 --> 00:17:44,486 - How do you cope? - I drink. 313 00:17:47,225 --> 00:17:48,325 To drinking. 314 00:17:52,149 --> 00:17:52,949 Nope. 315 00:17:57,544 --> 00:18:00,631 If only there were some way to force Howard to accept my apology 316 00:18:00,756 --> 00:18:03,332 so I could escape this miasma of guilt. 317 00:18:03,627 --> 00:18:06,839 Sometimes stuff just happens, and there's nothing you can do. 318 00:18:06,964 --> 00:18:09,975 Lisa Peterson hasn't talked to me since the 11th grade, 319 00:18:10,100 --> 00:18:11,848 because no matter how much you apologize, 320 00:18:11,973 --> 00:18:14,873 you can't go back and un-dry-hump someone's boyfriend. 321 00:18:16,461 --> 00:18:17,261 I see. 322 00:18:17,811 --> 00:18:20,887 You're saying I'm facing Starfleet Academy's 323 00:18:21,012 --> 00:18:24,186 unwinnable command scenario: the Kobayashi Maru. 324 00:18:24,548 --> 00:18:26,605 Exactly. Sometimes you can't win. 325 00:18:26,850 --> 00:18:28,200 Captain Kirk won. 326 00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:31,470 Kirk cheated. 327 00:18:33,612 --> 00:18:35,405 Impressive that you know that. 328 00:18:36,860 --> 00:18:39,493 It's hard to believe I'm having this conversation with you. 329 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:41,950 Right there with you. 330 00:18:43,304 --> 00:18:45,437 Kirk beat the Kobayashi Maru 331 00:18:45,562 --> 00:18:47,871 by reprogramming the simulator. 332 00:18:49,171 --> 00:18:50,843 - That's it. - What? 333 00:18:50,968 --> 00:18:52,881 - I'll reprogram Howard. - What...? 334 00:18:54,084 --> 00:18:55,801 you can't reprogram people. 335 00:18:56,224 --> 00:18:58,595 No, you can't reprogram people. 336 00:18:59,848 --> 00:19:02,058 To James Tiberius Kirk. 337 00:19:12,805 --> 00:19:14,027 Hello, all. 338 00:19:16,463 --> 00:19:19,074 You're feeling better about me today, aren't you? 339 00:19:19,555 --> 00:19:20,534 Not really. 340 00:19:21,136 --> 00:19:22,648 Yes, you are. 341 00:19:22,773 --> 00:19:24,939 I'm using neurolinguistic programming 342 00:19:25,064 --> 00:19:27,332 to modify your thought patterns. 343 00:19:29,446 --> 00:19:30,572 Go away. 344 00:19:31,802 --> 00:19:34,381 There's a 9.95 e-book down the drain. 345 00:19:35,036 --> 00:19:37,290 - What's in the bag? - It's for Howard. 346 00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:39,886 You can't fix this with gifts. 347 00:19:40,054 --> 00:19:43,348 Nevertheless, I've hurt you, and whether you forgive me or not, 348 00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:45,014 I want you to have this. 349 00:19:47,612 --> 00:19:49,895 You're giving me a couch cushion? 350 00:19:50,398 --> 00:19:52,242 The cushion is merely symbolic. 351 00:19:52,367 --> 00:19:54,943 I'm giving you my spot on the couch. 352 00:19:57,489 --> 00:19:58,989 But you love that spot. 353 00:19:59,157 --> 00:20:01,415 No. I love my mother. 354 00:20:01,693 --> 00:20:04,811 My feelings for my spot are much greater. 355 00:20:06,831 --> 00:20:08,894 It is the singular location in space 356 00:20:09,019 --> 00:20:11,418 around which revolves my entire universe. 357 00:20:12,587 --> 00:20:14,087 And now it's yours. 358 00:20:15,590 --> 00:20:18,240 My God, dude. Now you have to forgive him. 359 00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:22,846 All right. Apology accepted. 360 00:20:23,758 --> 00:20:24,758 High five. 361 00:20:25,235 --> 00:20:26,385 Not too hard. 362 00:20:28,353 --> 00:20:29,353 Thank you. 363 00:20:30,219 --> 00:20:32,969 I haven't cried like this since Toy Story 3. 364 00:20:42,992 --> 00:20:45,767 I got to tell you, I understand why you chose this spot. 365 00:20:45,892 --> 00:20:48,589 The temperature is good, but there's no draft. 366 00:20:48,714 --> 00:20:50,826 I can see the television, but I can still talk... 367 00:20:50,951 --> 00:20:53,008 I changed my mind. Get out of my spot. 368 00:20:55,204 --> 00:20:57,660 - How long? - Ninety-four seconds.