1
00:00:01,715 --> 00:00:04,267
Okay, now holding sides
of hearth in position,
2
00:00:04,269 --> 00:00:06,252
lower mantelpiece assembly
3
00:00:06,254 --> 00:00:09,222
onto top tabs.
4
00:00:09,224 --> 00:00:12,775
Look at that, I built a
fireplace with my own two hands.
5
00:00:12,777 --> 00:00:15,028
You're so butch.
6
00:00:15,030 --> 00:00:17,313
Aw, I got a little paper cut.
7
00:00:17,315 --> 00:00:19,232
Of course you did.
8
00:00:19,234 --> 00:00:21,434
Your hands are
softer than veal.
9
00:00:23,120 --> 00:00:25,154
Oh, before I forget,
Saturday I'm planning a little
10
00:00:25,156 --> 00:00:27,240
Dungeons and Dragons night
with the guys.
11
00:00:27,242 --> 00:00:29,492
Really? That's how you're gonna
spend your Saturday night?
12
00:00:29,494 --> 00:00:31,611
Oh, come on, I hardly ever get
a chance to play anymore.
13
00:00:31,613 --> 00:00:32,879
Oh, you poor thing.
14
00:00:32,881 --> 00:00:34,914
Is having a real-life girlfriend
who has sex with you
15
00:00:34,916 --> 00:00:37,750
getting in the way
of your board games?
16
00:00:37,752 --> 00:00:40,770
Little bit, yeah.
17
00:00:42,056 --> 00:00:45,558
Oh, great! I've always wanted
to play Dungeons and Dragons.
18
00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:46,959
Yeah, oh, I'm sorry.
19
00:00:46,961 --> 00:00:48,895
I should've mentioned
this earlier.
20
00:00:48,897 --> 00:00:50,096
You're not invited.
21
00:00:51,682 --> 00:00:54,150
Why not?
Amy,
22
00:00:54,152 --> 00:00:57,637
from time to time,
we men need to break free
23
00:00:57,639 --> 00:01:00,907
from the shackles
of civility and get in touch
24
00:01:00,909 --> 00:01:04,277
with our primal
animalistic selves.
25
00:01:04,279 --> 00:01:06,563
By rolling dice
and playing make-believe
26
00:01:06,565 --> 00:01:08,047
with little figurines?
27
00:01:08,049 --> 00:01:10,416
Yeah, like a bunch of savages.
28
00:01:11,585 --> 00:01:13,503
Saturday night?
29
00:01:13,505 --> 00:01:15,038
But I've been working
late all week.
30
00:01:15,040 --> 00:01:16,205
That was gonna be our night.
31
00:01:16,207 --> 00:01:17,507
But I have to go.
32
00:01:17,509 --> 00:01:18,824
We play as a group.
33
00:01:18,826 --> 00:01:21,844
If-if I'm not there,
then everyone will blame you.
34
00:01:21,846 --> 00:01:24,264
They'll be all,
"Bernadette ruined everything.
35
00:01:24,266 --> 00:01:26,049
She's the worst."
36
00:01:27,318 --> 00:01:28,834
So, you see?
37
00:01:28,836 --> 00:01:32,138
I have to play
Dungeons and Dragons...
38
00:01:32,140 --> 00:01:34,307
for the marriage.
39
00:01:34,309 --> 00:01:37,176
You're an idiot.
40
00:01:37,178 --> 00:01:39,212
I'm your idiot.
41
00:01:39,214 --> 00:01:42,415
Forever.
42
00:01:42,417 --> 00:01:46,202
So, listen, I know we talked
about getting a bite to eat
43
00:01:46,204 --> 00:01:48,688
in Silver Lake, and then seeing
the Christmas lights
44
00:01:48,690 --> 00:01:51,457
in Griffith Park,
but Leonard's talking about
45
00:01:51,459 --> 00:01:53,793
a big D and D game at his place.
46
00:01:53,795 --> 00:01:56,496
Saturday night just went
from crazy to epic!
47
00:01:56,498 --> 00:01:57,830
Woo-hoo!
48
00:01:57,832 --> 00:02:01,217
♪ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state ♪
49
00:02:01,219 --> 00:02:04,870
♪ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! ♪
50
00:02:04,872 --> 00:02:06,389
♪ The Earth began to cool
51
00:02:06,391 --> 00:02:09,325
♪ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools ♪
52
00:02:09,327 --> 00:02:11,494
♪ We built the Wall
♪ We built the pyramids ♪
53
00:02:11,496 --> 00:02:14,047
♪ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery ♪
54
00:02:14,049 --> 00:02:16,316
♪ That all started
with a big bang ♪
55
00:02:16,318 --> 00:02:17,818
♪ Bang! ♪
56
00:02:17,843 --> 00:02:21,343
♪ The Big Bang Theory 6x11 ♪
The Santa Simulation
Original Air Date on December 13, 2012
57
00:02:21,344 --> 00:02:24,844
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
58
00:02:26,868 --> 00:02:29,737
All right, Sheldon,
to start our quest,
59
00:02:29,739 --> 00:02:32,323
you need to open this little
Christmas gift I got you.
60
00:02:32,325 --> 00:02:34,141
A Christmas gift?
61
00:02:34,143 --> 00:02:36,494
You know I don't
enjoy Christmas.
62
00:02:37,312 --> 00:02:38,829
What's wrong
with Christmas?
63
00:02:38,831 --> 00:02:40,064
Oh, where to begin?
64
00:02:40,066 --> 00:02:42,316
Trees indoors.
65
00:02:42,318 --> 00:02:45,970
Overuse of the words
"'tis" and "'twas."
66
00:02:45,972 --> 00:02:48,506
And the absurd custom
of one stocking.
67
00:02:48,508 --> 00:02:51,542
Everyone knows socks
belong in pairs.
68
00:02:51,544 --> 00:02:53,010
Who uses one sock?
69
00:02:53,012 --> 00:02:55,479
Pirate with a peg leg?
70
00:02:55,481 --> 00:02:58,065
Actually that helps,
thank you.
71
00:02:58,900 --> 00:03:00,217
Would you just look inside?
72
00:03:01,988 --> 00:03:03,887
Oh, a scroll.
73
00:03:03,889 --> 00:03:05,272
I like scrolls.
74
00:03:05,274 --> 00:03:06,390
They're my third
75
00:03:06,392 --> 00:03:07,741
favorite system of transmitting
76
00:03:07,743 --> 00:03:09,243
the written word.
77
00:03:09,245 --> 00:03:12,029
After stone tablets
and skywriting.
78
00:03:12,864 --> 00:03:15,065
"You have all been
summoned to join
79
00:03:15,067 --> 00:03:17,334
"a thrilling Dungeons
and Dragons adventure.
80
00:03:17,336 --> 00:03:18,369
"Your quest begins
81
00:03:18,371 --> 00:03:20,955
"in a secret northern
village of elves
82
00:03:20,957 --> 00:03:22,706
who have all been massacred."
83
00:03:22,708 --> 00:03:24,842
I like
where this is heading.
84
00:03:24,844 --> 00:03:26,126
"Your task
85
00:03:26,128 --> 00:03:29,263
is to rescue their leader
from a dungeon of ogres."
86
00:03:29,265 --> 00:03:31,248
Oh, that's a saucy twist.
87
00:03:31,250 --> 00:03:32,466
"That leader's name:
88
00:03:32,468 --> 00:03:34,084
Santa Claus""
89
00:03:34,086 --> 00:03:36,270
No, no, no!
90
00:03:36,272 --> 00:03:37,938
It's actually, "Ho, ho, ho,"
91
00:03:37,940 --> 00:03:39,857
but you'll get the hang of it.
92
00:03:40,775 --> 00:03:41,942
Thought it'd be fun to make
93
00:03:41,944 --> 00:03:43,110
a quest with a holiday theme.
94
00:03:43,112 --> 00:03:44,278
Fun?
95
00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:46,397
Mixing Dungeons and Dragons
with Christmas is
96
00:03:46,399 --> 00:03:48,649
like making a sandwich
of grape jelly,
97
00:03:48,651 --> 00:03:49,950
the best-tasting jelly,
98
00:03:49,952 --> 00:03:53,571
and petroleum jelly,
the worst-tasting jelly.
99
00:03:53,573 --> 00:03:55,439
Okay, here we go.
100
00:03:55,441 --> 00:03:57,241
"You find yourselves
101
00:03:57,243 --> 00:03:59,443
"in the smoking remains
of Santa's village.
102
00:03:59,445 --> 00:04:02,129
Clearly, a great battle
has taken place."
103
00:04:02,131 --> 00:04:03,664
Oh, man, the first
monster I see,
104
00:04:03,666 --> 00:04:06,000
I'm gonna sneak up behind
him, whip out my wand,
105
00:04:06,002 --> 00:04:09,620
and shoot my magic
all over his ass.
106
00:04:11,706 --> 00:04:14,925
Do you hear yourself
when you say these things?
107
00:04:15,727 --> 00:04:16,860
Okay,
108
00:04:16,862 --> 00:04:18,395
there are ogre
tracks and a trail
109
00:04:18,397 --> 00:04:20,064
of broken candy
canes in the snow.
110
00:04:20,066 --> 00:04:21,098
Sheldon, what do you do?
111
00:04:21,100 --> 00:04:23,984
I signal my contempt
for your cruel plan
112
00:04:23,986 --> 00:04:25,653
to shove Christmas joy
down my throat
113
00:04:25,655 --> 00:04:29,806
by making a gesture that says,
"Get a load of this guy."
114
00:04:30,808 --> 00:04:32,276
Fine. Howard, what do you do?
115
00:04:32,278 --> 00:04:36,530
I follow the ogre tracks,
checking for secret doors
116
00:04:36,532 --> 00:04:38,499
along the way.
117
00:04:38,501 --> 00:04:41,368
And you discover a secret door
leading to a dark corridor.
118
00:04:41,370 --> 00:04:43,537
Okay, guys, let's make a plan:
spell casters in the back,
119
00:04:43,539 --> 00:04:44,788
warriors in the front...
120
00:04:44,790 --> 00:04:46,257
No, screw that noise,
I'm going in.
121
00:04:46,259 --> 00:04:49,826
Hang on, Santa,
I'm coming for you!
122
00:04:50,962 --> 00:04:53,847
Okay, you run into
a room full of weapons,
123
00:04:53,849 --> 00:04:55,449
hit a trip wire...
124
00:04:57,002 --> 00:04:59,770
...a cannon blows your face off,
you die, you're out of the game.
125
00:05:01,189 --> 00:05:03,190
But... a canon?
126
00:05:03,192 --> 00:05:05,175
Am I really out of the game?
127
00:05:05,177 --> 00:05:07,945
Lucky.
128
00:05:07,947 --> 00:05:09,196
Okay, come on, moving on.
129
00:05:09,198 --> 00:05:12,316
Wait, doesn't anyone have
a rod of resurrection?
130
00:05:12,318 --> 00:05:16,186
Because if you've got
one, I need it bad.
131
00:05:17,855 --> 00:05:20,524
Get in here with your rod
and give it to me.
132
00:05:21,660 --> 00:05:23,227
Okay, you need
to say these things
133
00:05:23,229 --> 00:05:25,312
in your head before
you say them out loud.
134
00:05:26,449 --> 00:05:28,615
Hey, guys.
135
00:05:28,617 --> 00:05:30,200
I don't mean to interrupt
your little game,
136
00:05:30,202 --> 00:05:32,002
but I thought you'd like to see
what you're missing out on.
137
00:05:32,004 --> 00:05:33,053
So...
138
00:05:33,055 --> 00:05:35,306
Bernadette?
139
00:05:40,729 --> 00:05:43,230
Bernadette's wearing
leopard-print pumps
140
00:05:43,232 --> 00:05:46,383
and a rack-tastic red dress
from Forever 21.
141
00:05:52,407 --> 00:05:53,941
And there's Amy,
142
00:05:53,943 --> 00:05:55,609
showing all kinds of ankle.
143
00:05:56,778 --> 00:06:00,614
In an outfit I'm assuming is
from Forever 63.
144
00:06:02,367 --> 00:06:04,535
And I, myself...
145
00:06:06,738 --> 00:06:08,572
...am wearing a little
number that got me
146
00:06:08,574 --> 00:06:11,041
out of two speeding
tickets and jury duty.
147
00:06:12,010 --> 00:06:13,961
I know they're making
a rhetorical point,
148
00:06:13,963 --> 00:06:16,079
I just don't know what it is.
149
00:06:16,081 --> 00:06:17,931
See you, boys. We
are going drinking.
150
00:06:17,933 --> 00:06:19,683
Uh, wait,
can I come with you?
151
00:06:19,685 --> 00:06:21,985
My character died.
152
00:06:21,987 --> 00:06:24,104
Sorry, Raj,
it's girls' night out.
153
00:06:24,106 --> 00:06:26,223
Maybe another time.
154
00:06:28,728 --> 00:06:30,260
Okay...
155
00:06:30,262 --> 00:06:31,762
Come on.
156
00:06:31,764 --> 00:06:33,096
Ooh!
157
00:06:33,098 --> 00:06:37,100
Girls' night, girls' night!
158
00:06:39,254 --> 00:06:41,905
How does he not hear that?
159
00:06:44,209 --> 00:06:45,376
So, what's the plan?
160
00:06:45,378 --> 00:06:47,044
Are we gonna teach
our fellas a lesson
161
00:06:47,046 --> 00:06:49,413
by getting stinking drunk,
luring strange men
162
00:06:49,415 --> 00:06:51,331
into the bathroom,
and turning the toilet stall
163
00:06:51,333 --> 00:06:53,917
into a temple of the senses?
164
00:06:53,919 --> 00:06:55,386
No!
No!
165
00:06:55,388 --> 00:06:58,505
Geez, who's Forever 63 now?
166
00:06:59,891 --> 00:07:02,459
Can we get another bottle of
champagne for the table?
167
00:07:02,461 --> 00:07:03,460
Don't worry.
168
00:07:03,462 --> 00:07:04,961
It's my treat.
169
00:07:04,963 --> 00:07:06,230
Thanks.
Wow!
170
00:07:06,232 --> 00:07:07,765
You should come
to girls' night more often.
171
00:07:07,767 --> 00:07:09,349
And not just because
if you weren't here,
172
00:07:09,351 --> 00:07:11,635
this would be a can of Pabst.
173
00:07:11,637 --> 00:07:13,320
My pleasure; nothing
makes me happier
174
00:07:13,322 --> 00:07:14,988
than the chance
to spoil a lady.
175
00:07:14,990 --> 00:07:16,356
Just ask my dog.
176
00:07:16,358 --> 00:07:18,642
My vet says if I give her
any more foie gras,
177
00:07:18,644 --> 00:07:20,661
she's going to die of gout.
178
00:07:20,663 --> 00:07:23,864
Hey, let's help Raj
meet a girl tonight.
179
00:07:23,866 --> 00:07:26,316
No, no, no, I'm fine.
Okay, wait, are we talking
180
00:07:26,318 --> 00:07:29,086
one-night stand or do we want
to get him into a relationship?
181
00:07:29,088 --> 00:07:31,288
Let's get him laid!
182
00:07:32,207 --> 00:07:35,042
Stop it.
You're ruining girls' night.
183
00:07:36,294 --> 00:07:37,961
Raj, you're a great guy,
184
00:07:37,963 --> 00:07:40,347
you're in a bar full of
single women; let us help you.
185
00:07:40,349 --> 00:07:41,682
Yeah, you're
a real catch.
186
00:07:41,684 --> 00:07:43,267
I know you're shy,
but that doesn't mean
187
00:07:43,269 --> 00:07:45,052
you shouldn't have someone
wonderful in your life.
188
00:07:45,054 --> 00:07:46,386
That's sweet of you.
189
00:07:46,388 --> 00:07:47,671
But what can you do to help?
190
00:07:47,673 --> 00:07:49,106
We'll nose around,
191
00:07:49,108 --> 00:07:51,725
see if we can find a nice girl,
and then introduce you.
192
00:07:51,727 --> 00:07:53,009
Okay.
193
00:07:53,011 --> 00:07:54,394
Well, a couple of things.
194
00:07:54,396 --> 00:07:56,363
Don't tell them
I come from money.
195
00:07:56,365 --> 00:07:58,949
I want them to love me for me.
196
00:08:00,452 --> 00:08:02,686
They must be insanely hot.
197
00:08:04,072 --> 00:08:06,790
Like, nines or tens.
198
00:08:06,792 --> 00:08:08,575
Nines or tens?
199
00:08:08,577 --> 00:08:10,026
Okay, an eight is acceptable
200
00:08:10,028 --> 00:08:13,297
if she's willing to bring
another eight to the hot tub.
201
00:08:13,299 --> 00:08:14,798
Bottom line:
you'll take
202
00:08:14,800 --> 00:08:15,999
any woman who'll
have you, right?
203
00:08:16,001 --> 00:08:17,584
In a New Delhi minute.
204
00:08:19,687 --> 00:08:22,539
I don't remember you buying
these miniatures in my store.
205
00:08:22,541 --> 00:08:23,974
Oh, uh, yeah.
206
00:08:23,976 --> 00:08:26,059
I got 'em on Amazon.
207
00:08:26,061 --> 00:08:27,544
Sure. I get it.
208
00:08:27,546 --> 00:08:29,346
Why support a friend
209
00:08:29,348 --> 00:08:31,598
when you can support
a multinational conglomerate
210
00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:34,518
that is crushing the life
out of that friend?
211
00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:38,889
I know, but when I shop online,
I can do it on the toilet.
212
00:08:38,891 --> 00:08:40,223
Have you seen my store?
213
00:08:40,225 --> 00:08:41,742
The whole place is a toilet.
214
00:08:41,744 --> 00:08:44,227
C-Can we please move this along?
215
00:08:44,229 --> 00:08:45,262
Yeah, sorry.
216
00:08:45,264 --> 00:08:47,731
Uh, you come to the
end of the tunnel
217
00:08:47,733 --> 00:08:48,916
and find a large chest.
218
00:08:48,918 --> 00:08:49,917
What do you do?
219
00:08:49,919 --> 00:08:51,368
And, Howard, do not say,
220
00:08:51,370 --> 00:08:54,421
"I feel up the large chest."
221
00:08:54,423 --> 00:08:56,790
Excuse me,
I'm a married man now.
222
00:08:56,792 --> 00:08:59,242
I wasn't going to say
anything so juvenile.
223
00:08:59,244 --> 00:09:00,210
Great. What do you do?
224
00:09:00,212 --> 00:09:01,211
I walk up
225
00:09:01,213 --> 00:09:02,579
to the large chest,
226
00:09:02,581 --> 00:09:06,633
bury my face in it
and go.
227
00:09:09,537 --> 00:09:10,938
I open the chest.
228
00:09:10,940 --> 00:09:14,024
It's locked, but suddenly
the door behind you slams shut
229
00:09:14,026 --> 00:09:16,727
and now the walls of the room
start closing in.
230
00:09:16,729 --> 00:09:17,811
That's not good.
231
00:09:17,813 --> 00:09:20,531
My character and I
both have claustrophobia.
232
00:09:20,533 --> 00:09:23,099
Glowing letters appear
on the chest that read,
233
00:09:23,101 --> 00:09:25,602
"If squashed to death
you wish not to be,
234
00:09:25,604 --> 00:09:28,121
sing of Svaty Vaclav
and his victory."
235
00:09:28,123 --> 00:09:30,273
Who the hell is Svaty Vaclav?
Walls are getting closer.
236
00:09:30,275 --> 00:09:32,492
Oh, boy, happy place,
happy place.
237
00:09:32,494 --> 00:09:36,163
Wait, Svaty Vaclav was
the Duke of Bohemia.
238
00:09:36,165 --> 00:09:37,464
You're ten seconds away
from getting crushed!
239
00:09:37,466 --> 00:09:38,549
Nine, eight...
240
00:09:38,551 --> 00:09:39,550
What are we supposed to do?
241
00:09:39,552 --> 00:09:41,335
...seven, six...
Wait, wait.
242
00:09:41,337 --> 00:09:44,054
Svaty Vaclav is better known
as Good King Wenceslas
243
00:09:44,056 --> 00:09:45,839
from the beloved
Victorian Christmas carol.
244
00:09:45,841 --> 00:09:47,224
Never heard of it.
245
00:09:47,226 --> 00:09:49,593
Must be the one Christmas song
not written by a Jewish guy.
246
00:09:49,595 --> 00:09:51,728
...three, two...
247
00:09:51,730 --> 00:09:53,480
Somebody sing the damn song!
248
00:09:53,482 --> 00:09:54,898
♪ Good King Wenceslas
looked out ♪
249
00:09:54,900 --> 00:09:56,850
♪ On the feast of Stephen
250
00:09:56,852 --> 00:09:58,134
♪ When the snow lay
'round about ♪
251
00:09:58,136 --> 00:10:00,704
♪ Deep and crisp and even
252
00:10:00,706 --> 00:10:01,822
The walls are getting slower.
253
00:10:01,824 --> 00:10:03,740
♪ Brightly shone the moon
that night ♪
254
00:10:03,742 --> 00:10:05,475
♪ Though the frost
was cru-el ♪
255
00:10:05,477 --> 00:10:07,310
♪ When a poor man
came in sight ♪
256
00:10:07,312 --> 00:10:10,814
♪ Gath'ring winter fu-el
257
00:10:13,701 --> 00:10:16,036
The walls stop! You're safe!
258
00:10:16,654 --> 00:10:17,704
That was amazing, Sheldon.
259
00:10:17,706 --> 00:10:19,456
How did you know that?
It was simple.
260
00:10:19,458 --> 00:10:21,842
I combined a well-known,
historical fact
261
00:10:21,844 --> 00:10:23,844
about Bohemia with the memory
of my grandparents,
262
00:10:23,846 --> 00:10:26,430
Mee-Maw and Pop-Pop,
singing Christmas carols
263
00:10:26,432 --> 00:10:29,016
while I sat in front of the fire
and tried to build
264
00:10:29,018 --> 00:10:31,718
a high-energy particle
accelerator out of Legos.
265
00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:34,054
Okay, continuing
our quest.
266
00:10:34,056 --> 00:10:35,155
W-W-Wait.
267
00:10:35,157 --> 00:10:36,440
There's still four more verses.
268
00:10:36,442 --> 00:10:38,191
You don't sing a song
and not finish it.
269
00:10:38,193 --> 00:10:40,176
♪ Hither, page,
and stand by me ♪
270
00:10:40,178 --> 00:10:41,778
♪ If thou know'st it,
telling ♪
271
00:10:41,780 --> 00:10:43,730
♪ Yonder peasant, who is he?
272
00:10:43,732 --> 00:10:45,515
♪ Where and what his dwelling?
273
00:10:45,517 --> 00:10:48,335
♪ Brightly shone the moon that
night, though the frost... ♪
274
00:10:58,095 --> 00:11:00,061
Looks like he's
doing pretty good.
275
00:11:00,063 --> 00:11:01,179
Of course he is.
276
00:11:01,181 --> 00:11:03,398
Look, that girl just got
dumped by her boyfriend.
277
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:04,849
She's angry, she's drunk,
278
00:11:04,851 --> 00:11:06,985
and her favorite movie
is Slumdog Millionaire.
279
00:11:06,987 --> 00:11:07,969
I mean...
280
00:11:07,971 --> 00:11:10,471
That is some low-hanging fruit.
281
00:11:11,290 --> 00:11:13,124
Oh, here he comes.
282
00:11:13,126 --> 00:11:14,926
So, how'd it go?
Great.
283
00:11:14,928 --> 00:11:16,428
I bought her a couple
of drinks,
284
00:11:16,430 --> 00:11:18,296
and she gave me
her e-mail address.
285
00:11:18,298 --> 00:11:19,998
Ooh!
286
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:25,286
"Jennifer@not-even-if-you-were-
the-last-guy-on-earth.loser""
287
00:11:26,122 --> 00:11:27,205
What?
288
00:11:27,207 --> 00:11:28,673
I'm sorry, Raj.
289
00:11:28,675 --> 00:11:31,259
Why can't I find someone?
290
00:11:31,261 --> 00:11:32,877
I'm smart, I've got a cool job,
291
00:11:32,879 --> 00:11:34,963
and my naturally
bronzed complexion
292
00:11:34,965 --> 00:11:36,464
means I can pull off
mustard yellow
293
00:11:36,466 --> 00:11:38,333
in a way most guys can't.
294
00:11:39,185 --> 00:11:41,335
Oh, honey,
it's not you, it's them.
295
00:11:41,337 --> 00:11:42,336
No, it's not.
296
00:11:42,338 --> 00:11:44,773
She was too beautiful for me.
297
00:11:44,775 --> 00:11:47,308
Why would you say that?
It's true.
298
00:11:47,310 --> 00:11:49,728
I'm always attracted
to women I can't have.
299
00:11:49,730 --> 00:11:51,062
I do it all the time.
300
00:11:51,064 --> 00:11:53,347
I did the same thing
with the two of you.
301
00:11:54,066 --> 00:11:55,066
The two of them?
302
00:11:55,068 --> 00:11:57,652
I don't understand.
303
00:11:57,654 --> 00:12:01,189
Well, uh, there was a time
when I had a thing for Penny,
304
00:12:01,191 --> 00:12:02,707
and I thought she
was into me, too,
305
00:12:02,709 --> 00:12:05,293
because she got drunk and naked
and climbed into bed with me.
306
00:12:05,295 --> 00:12:08,580
But apparently
I misread those signals.
307
00:12:10,082 --> 00:12:12,667
And you liked Bernadette also?
308
00:12:12,669 --> 00:12:14,586
That was before Penny.
309
00:12:14,588 --> 00:12:16,387
I make it a rule
to only fall for
310
00:12:16,389 --> 00:12:19,257
one of my friends'
girlfriends at a time.
311
00:12:19,259 --> 00:12:21,876
I'm very old-fashioned that way.
312
00:12:21,878 --> 00:12:24,646
So at, uh, some point,
313
00:12:24,648 --> 00:12:27,849
you probably had
a thing for me, too.
314
00:12:29,101 --> 00:12:31,402
No, not really.
315
00:12:33,355 --> 00:12:37,108
Oh, come on, Raj,
not even a little bit?
316
00:12:37,110 --> 00:12:39,727
Not that I can think of.
317
00:12:41,063 --> 00:12:43,731
Think harder.
318
00:12:44,566 --> 00:12:46,201
Nope.
319
00:12:47,236 --> 00:12:48,787
I guess the heart wants
what the heart wants.
320
00:12:48,789 --> 00:12:49,789
Or in this case, doesn't.
321
00:12:49,790 --> 00:12:52,590
I mean, at all.
322
00:12:55,044 --> 00:12:57,045
What?
323
00:12:59,098 --> 00:13:01,683
♪ Ye who now will
bless the poor ♪
324
00:13:01,685 --> 00:13:04,719
♪ Shall yourselves
find blessing ♪
325
00:13:04,721 --> 00:13:05,970
♪ Ba-da-bum.
326
00:13:07,273 --> 00:13:09,257
Done?
327
00:13:09,259 --> 00:13:12,760
I think the word you're
looking for is "bravo."
328
00:13:14,029 --> 00:13:15,930
Okay, you leave the room
and find yourself
329
00:13:15,932 --> 00:13:18,366
standing before a pool
of melted snowmen.
330
00:13:18,368 --> 00:13:19,617
Melted snowmen?
331
00:13:19,619 --> 00:13:21,786
Are there carrots
and lumps of coal in the water?
332
00:13:21,788 --> 00:13:23,071
I don't know.
What's the difference?
333
00:13:23,073 --> 00:13:25,290
It's a game of
the imagination, Leonard.
334
00:13:25,292 --> 00:13:26,274
Paint a picture.
335
00:13:26,276 --> 00:13:27,325
Fine.
336
00:13:27,327 --> 00:13:28,827
You leave the room
and find yourself
337
00:13:28,829 --> 00:13:30,545
standing before a pool
of melted snowmen.
338
00:13:30,547 --> 00:13:32,446
There are carrots and
lumps of coal in the water.
339
00:13:32,448 --> 00:13:35,300
What happened to the
top hats and the corncob pipes?
340
00:13:35,302 --> 00:13:37,051
You see those, too.
341
00:13:37,053 --> 00:13:39,787
Oh, it's like I'm really there.
342
00:13:41,957 --> 00:13:45,459
I gotta tell you, this-this is
the most holiday fun I've had
343
00:13:45,461 --> 00:13:48,629
since my therapist changed
my anxiety medication
344
00:13:48,631 --> 00:13:51,465
and I stopped caring about
the blood in my stool.
345
00:13:53,819 --> 00:13:55,803
Good story.
346
00:13:56,739 --> 00:13:58,022
What are you drinking there?
347
00:13:58,024 --> 00:13:59,073
Little eggnog?
348
00:13:59,075 --> 00:14:00,325
Yes.
349
00:14:00,327 --> 00:14:01,609
What, is there a problem?
350
00:14:01,611 --> 00:14:04,662
No, it's nice to see you
enjoying a holiday beverage.
351
00:14:04,664 --> 00:14:05,813
Pretty Christmasy.
352
00:14:05,815 --> 00:14:08,249
Since when is eggnog
a Christmas drink?
353
00:14:09,651 --> 00:14:11,286
Eggs are available
all year 'round.
354
00:14:11,288 --> 00:14:14,539
I've been known to
enjoy this poolside.
355
00:14:14,541 --> 00:14:16,624
Come on, Sheldon.
356
00:14:16,626 --> 00:14:18,659
You know all the Christmas
stories, and the carols,
357
00:14:18,661 --> 00:14:20,879
you've got an eggnog
mustache going on there.
358
00:14:20,881 --> 00:14:22,163
Just admit it.
359
00:14:22,165 --> 00:14:23,765
You're getting
a little Yuletide spirit.
360
00:14:23,767 --> 00:14:25,266
Oh, don't be silly.
361
00:14:25,268 --> 00:14:28,186
Christmas is a bunch of baloney
created by the tinsel industry.
362
00:14:29,021 --> 00:14:31,005
Why is this so important to you?
363
00:14:31,007 --> 00:14:33,107
Honestly, because I had enough
crappy Christmases as a kid
364
00:14:33,109 --> 00:14:35,193
and I'm tired of you
sucking the joy out of them now.
365
00:14:35,195 --> 00:14:37,028
What was so bad
about them?
366
00:14:37,030 --> 00:14:39,948
I grew up in a house
full of crazy academics.
367
00:14:39,950 --> 00:14:42,150
Instead of leaving Santa
milk and cookies,
368
00:14:42,152 --> 00:14:44,452
we had to leave him
a research paper.
369
00:14:46,155 --> 00:14:48,356
And in the morning,
you could tell he'd been there
370
00:14:48,358 --> 00:14:50,124
because the paper
would be graded.
371
00:14:51,293 --> 00:14:52,794
No wonder you love Christmas.
372
00:14:52,796 --> 00:14:55,046
That sounds amazing.
373
00:14:55,048 --> 00:14:57,031
It wasn't amazing.
374
00:14:57,033 --> 00:14:59,867
I got a C-minus
four years in a row.
375
00:14:59,869 --> 00:15:01,369
Yeah, I'm familiar
with your work.
376
00:15:01,371 --> 00:15:02,720
C-minus was your gift.
377
00:15:05,808 --> 00:15:08,559
Amy, I'm really sorry.
378
00:15:08,561 --> 00:15:10,311
I didn't mean to upset you.
379
00:15:10,313 --> 00:15:11,646
It's fine.
380
00:15:11,648 --> 00:15:13,881
I'm used to being the girl
who never gets looked at twice.
381
00:15:13,883 --> 00:15:16,901
I didn't have my first kiss
till I was 22,
382
00:15:16,903 --> 00:15:20,054
and the guy only did it so
I'd give him back his insulin.
383
00:15:22,241 --> 00:15:26,444
Sometimes the pancreas wants
what the pancreas wants.
384
00:15:27,279 --> 00:15:28,613
Forget it.
385
00:15:28,615 --> 00:15:30,164
I don't expect
you guys to understand.
386
00:15:30,166 --> 00:15:31,749
I understand.
387
00:15:31,751 --> 00:15:33,751
In seventh grade,
I played Spin the Bottle
388
00:15:33,753 --> 00:15:35,403
and it landed on Alina Shankar.
389
00:15:35,405 --> 00:15:37,038
She said if I came near her,
390
00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:39,657
she would break
the bottle and cut me.
391
00:15:39,659 --> 00:15:41,209
You think that's bad?
392
00:15:41,211 --> 00:15:43,244
In college, I passed out
at a frat party
393
00:15:43,246 --> 00:15:45,680
and woke up with
more clothes on.
394
00:15:49,802 --> 00:15:51,469
Sometimes I get so lonely,
395
00:15:51,471 --> 00:15:53,855
I sit on my left hand
until it goes numb,
396
00:15:53,857 --> 00:15:56,107
then I put it in
my right hand and pretend
397
00:15:56,109 --> 00:15:58,592
I'm holding hands
with another person.
398
00:15:58,594 --> 00:16:01,562
I do that, too.
399
00:16:01,564 --> 00:16:03,764
Sometimes the left hand
tries to cop a feel.
400
00:16:05,567 --> 00:16:07,785
And I let it.
401
00:16:09,371 --> 00:16:12,206
It's kind of nice
to talk to someone
402
00:16:12,208 --> 00:16:14,459
who understands what
it feels like to be alone.
403
00:16:14,461 --> 00:16:16,744
It is, isn't it?
404
00:16:16,746 --> 00:16:18,612
But you're not alone anymore.
Now you've got Sheldon.
405
00:16:18,614 --> 00:16:19,914
I do.
406
00:16:19,916 --> 00:16:22,967
And don't worry, someday
you'll have somebody, too.
407
00:16:22,969 --> 00:16:24,335
Thank you.
408
00:16:24,337 --> 00:16:28,256
I hope she's half as
lovely and amazing as you are.
409
00:16:29,124 --> 00:16:31,676
Thank you, Rajesh.
410
00:16:31,678 --> 00:16:33,594
He wants me, I'm good.
We can go now.
411
00:16:35,964 --> 00:16:36,981
Damn it.
412
00:16:36,983 --> 00:16:38,349
What?
413
00:16:38,351 --> 00:16:40,184
Now that I know
she doesn't like me,
414
00:16:40,186 --> 00:16:42,286
I'm kind of into her.
415
00:16:43,472 --> 00:16:45,556
All right.
416
00:16:45,558 --> 00:16:49,394
I think I cracked the code
to lower the drawbridge.
417
00:16:49,396 --> 00:16:50,811
Great.
Let's do it.
418
00:16:57,753 --> 00:16:59,203
The drawbridge is lowering.
419
00:17:05,544 --> 00:17:07,045
My carpal tunnel's acting up.
420
00:17:07,047 --> 00:17:08,463
Play through
the pain!
421
00:17:19,674 --> 00:17:21,692
You did it!
The drawbridge is down.
422
00:17:21,694 --> 00:17:23,277
You cross the chasm
423
00:17:23,279 --> 00:17:26,114
and find yourself in
a small dungeon room.
424
00:17:26,116 --> 00:17:28,766
And in the corner,
chained to the wall,
425
00:17:28,768 --> 00:17:31,352
you see a bloodied and beaten
Santa Claus.
426
00:17:31,354 --> 00:17:35,022
He says, "Ho, ho, help me."
427
00:17:35,024 --> 00:17:37,542
Yes, we found Santa!
428
00:17:37,544 --> 00:17:39,544
Christmas is saved!
429
00:17:39,546 --> 00:17:42,213
Don't ever tell
my mother I said that.
430
00:17:43,298 --> 00:17:45,199
I take out
my skeleton key
431
00:17:45,201 --> 00:17:46,968
and run to Santa
to unchain him.
432
00:17:46,970 --> 00:17:48,970
But first, I cast
a spell of paralysis
433
00:17:48,972 --> 00:17:51,422
on Stuart and Howard.
Wait, what are you doing?
434
00:17:51,424 --> 00:17:53,741
You can't talk;
you're paralyzed.
435
00:17:53,743 --> 00:17:57,678
I get right up in Santa's
big, fat face and say...
436
00:17:57,680 --> 00:17:59,213
Well, well, well,
437
00:17:59,215 --> 00:18:01,899
jolly old Saint Nick,
we meet again.
438
00:18:01,901 --> 00:18:03,584
Yeah, I believe
the last time we spoke
439
00:18:03,586 --> 00:18:06,654
was in the Baybrook Mall
in Galveston, Texas,
440
00:18:06,656 --> 00:18:08,906
when I was five years old,
isn't that right?
441
00:18:08,908 --> 00:18:11,125
Uh, okay.
442
00:18:11,127 --> 00:18:12,560
My mother
dragged me there
443
00:18:12,562 --> 00:18:14,445
and she plopped me
down on your lap
444
00:18:14,447 --> 00:18:16,747
and you asked me
what I wanted for Christmas.
445
00:18:16,749 --> 00:18:18,699
And I told you "my Pop-Pop,"
446
00:18:18,701 --> 00:18:21,235
because that was the year
my grandfather died.
447
00:18:21,237 --> 00:18:24,071
I missed him
and I wanted him back.
448
00:18:24,923 --> 00:18:27,425
This is weird, right?
449
00:18:30,429 --> 00:18:32,346
Pop-Pop was the only one
in my family
450
00:18:32,348 --> 00:18:34,215
who encouraged me
to pursue science.
451
00:18:34,217 --> 00:18:36,417
But you didn't bring
him back, did you?
452
00:18:36,419 --> 00:18:39,137
Instead, I got Lincoln Logs.
453
00:18:39,139 --> 00:18:43,090
Well, you can build a lot of
neat things out of Lincoln Logs,
454
00:18:43,092 --> 00:18:44,942
but Pop-Pop ain't one of 'em.
455
00:18:44,944 --> 00:18:48,262
And now you're here
asking me for something--
456
00:18:48,264 --> 00:18:49,597
to save you.
457
00:18:49,599 --> 00:18:53,934
Well, sorry, Mr. Kringle,
but today's not your day.
458
00:18:53,936 --> 00:18:55,486
I'm leaving you here to rot,
459
00:18:55,488 --> 00:18:58,156
and I hope the ogres
feast on your bones.
460
00:18:58,158 --> 00:19:01,709
I take the skeleton key,
and I toss it into the chasm,
461
00:19:01,711 --> 00:19:03,711
and on the way out, I give Santa
462
00:19:03,713 --> 00:19:06,747
a swift kick in his
bowl full of jelly!
463
00:19:08,050 --> 00:19:10,468
Okay.
464
00:19:10,470 --> 00:19:13,671
So Wolowitz and Stuart
are paralyzed, Santa's dead,
465
00:19:13,673 --> 00:19:17,124
and I picked this over
having sex with my girlfriend.
466
00:19:35,283 --> 00:19:36,583
Santa?
467
00:19:36,585 --> 00:19:41,071
Oh, hello, Sheldon.
468
00:19:41,073 --> 00:19:43,290
You should be asleep.
469
00:19:43,292 --> 00:19:45,408
Well, then, you shouldn't have
jingle bells on your boots.
470
00:19:45,410 --> 00:19:46,660
Oh...
471
00:19:47,461 --> 00:19:50,113
I've been wanting
to talk to you.
472
00:19:50,115 --> 00:19:54,301
I'm sorry I disappointed you
when you were a little boy.
473
00:19:55,102 --> 00:19:58,788
I-I can do a lot
of magical things,
474
00:19:58,790 --> 00:20:03,343
but unfortunately bringing your
Pop-Pop back isn't one of them.
475
00:20:04,178 --> 00:20:06,296
I understand.
476
00:20:06,298 --> 00:20:09,683
But I-I do have
something special for you.
477
00:20:10,534 --> 00:20:12,302
Close your eyes.
478
00:20:14,155 --> 00:20:16,639
Oh, I hope it's a train.
479
00:20:16,641 --> 00:20:19,826
Oh, it's better than a train.
480
00:20:19,828 --> 00:20:23,079
Two trains?
481
00:20:23,081 --> 00:20:24,814
Better.
482
00:20:24,816 --> 00:20:27,000
I'm getting three trains.
483
00:20:28,836 --> 00:20:30,870
Okay, open 'em.
484
00:20:34,425 --> 00:20:36,659
This is for leaving me
in the dungeon
485
00:20:36,661 --> 00:20:39,512
to be eaten alive by ogres!
486
00:20:39,514 --> 00:20:40,964
Wait, uh, uh, hang on.
487
00:20:40,966 --> 00:20:42,048
I-In my defense...
488
00:20:42,050 --> 00:20:44,551
Ho, ho, ho, ya big dork!
489
00:20:45,469 --> 00:20:50,469
== sync, corrected by elderman ==