1 00:00:07,280 --> 00:00:09,271 # Big train 2 00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:29,958 # Big train 3 00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:39,790 (sentimental English classical music) 4 00:01:02,080 --> 00:01:04,594 - (boy) Hello, sir. - (boy #2) Hello, sir. 5 00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:06,511 (boy #3) How are you today, sir? 6 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,239 (boy #2) Can I help you with your bags? 7 00:01:09,320 --> 00:01:12,517 Three cheers for sir. Hip, hip, hip. 8 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:17,151 (boy #1 ) I bet if King Arthur were alive now, he'd fight the Germans too. 9 00:01:17,240 --> 00:01:20,789 - (boy #4) What time is rugger today, sir? - (boy #2) May I play on the first team, sir? 10 00:01:20,880 --> 00:01:22,871 Big fat cocksl 11 00:01:24,120 --> 00:01:25,997 (boy #3) How is Mrs Carstairs? 12 00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:29,675 I think this is the best school in the whole worldl 13 00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:33,719 (boy #4) Sir, why does the old clock not have a second hand? 14 00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:36,792 (boy #3) May we have a class outside? 15 00:01:36,880 --> 00:01:38,871 I've been so happy here. 16 00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:42,519 (boy #1 ) But they can't knock down the schooll They can'tl 17 00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:44,795 (boy #2) Big fat smelly cocksl 18 00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:48,479 - (boy #4) Must we learn Latin today? - (boy #2) Big cocksl 19 00:01:48,560 --> 00:01:51,870 (boy #3) May we have a prayer, sir, for the soldiers who didn't come back? 20 00:01:51,960 --> 00:01:55,157 (boy #2) It's from my mother, sir. My father is very ill. 21 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:59,995 - Your arse stinksl - Big fat hairy fanniesl 22 00:02:00,080 --> 00:02:03,152 - Giant knockersl - You smell, sirl 23 00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:05,310 Big fat arses on your headl 24 00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:08,437 (overlapping shouts of ridicule) 25 00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:13,991 - Have you got a chance in the last? - Oooh, l dunno. Got a bit of a nag this time. 26 00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:17,595 - Really? How about you? - l dunno. Going's good, though. 27 00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:20,797 Oi! What are you doin' here? Go on, out. 28 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:23,440 - And you. Oi, go on out. - Sling your hook. 29 00:02:23,520 --> 00:02:25,511 Go on, out you go. 30 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:28,316 So anyway, l went down that pub... 31 00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:35,396 (John) You're watching the 43rd World Stare-out Championship finals. 32 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:38,074 We're all set for Anan Nanak 33 00:02:38,160 --> 00:02:40,993 against England's John Duran. 34 00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:42,672 (hubbub of crowd) 35 00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:46,150 It's impossible not to comment on Duran's unusual style. 36 00:02:46,240 --> 00:02:51,792 (David) Well, all I can say is that Duran is never an easy draw for any of the favourites. 37 00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:54,553 He's a real battler and... 38 00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:58,155 OK, he may not have as much natural ability as some of the bigger names, 39 00:02:58,240 --> 00:03:00,549 but who knows what can happen? 40 00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:03,029 This really is tremendous stuff. 41 00:03:03,120 --> 00:03:07,557 (John) Much has been written about Duran not being taken seriously because of his style 42 00:03:07,640 --> 00:03:11,428 and always being in the shadow of Britain's number one, Andrew Dudley. 43 00:03:11,520 --> 00:03:16,958 But at 32, Duran is the first Briton to reach this stage of the championship since 1 993. 44 00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:21,158 (David) He apparently goes on the town with Danny Baker, Chris Evans and Gazza. 45 00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:24,152 (John) I wonder who pays for the first round of drinksl 46 00:03:24,240 --> 00:03:26,629 (David chuckles knowingly) 47 00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:30,911 (chuckling continues) 48 00:03:32,040 --> 00:03:34,031 (chuckling continues) 49 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:37,791 (chuckling continues) 50 00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:41,071 (chuckling continues) 51 00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:43,511 (chuckling continues) 52 00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:45,991 (chuckling continues) 53 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:49,951 (chuckling continues) 54 00:03:50,440 --> 00:03:52,431 (chuckling continues) 55 00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:54,711 (chuckling peters out) 56 00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:58,391 (crowd cheers) 57 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:02,192 (Hitler speaking in German) 58 00:04:10,480 --> 00:04:12,471 (crowd chants) 59 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:19,390 (man) l thought that went really well. 60 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:23,951 They're always good here - always. There's always a good crowd. 61 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:27,828 - Are you sticking around for a bit? - Yeah, we'll be around for the evening. 62 00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:31,071 Well, help yourselves to the services. 63 00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:33,549 The wine's very good as well. 64 00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:39,878 Frau and Fraulein Grumblat? Nice to see you again. l hope you enjoyed the show. 65 00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:42,679 - Congratulations. - Thanks very much. l enjoyed it. 66 00:04:42,760 --> 00:04:46,355 So, you know, there was nothing much to do after the First World War. 67 00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:49,079 - You know what a state the country was in. - Yes. 68 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:51,355 Nietzsche is probably my main influence. 69 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:55,712 l found it hard to get through. lt was a tough read for me. 70 00:04:55,800 --> 00:04:58,189 Maybe... Obviously you... 71 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:02,031 l dunno. lt's hard to read, l just thought. 72 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:05,510 - Oh, well, you know - Obviously you read it and... 73 00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:09,149 And here we are. l suppose it's the difference between me and you. 74 00:05:09,240 --> 00:05:11,231 Eh? No, you won't. 75 00:05:14,640 --> 00:05:16,676 That stuff you were doing, was that... 76 00:05:16,760 --> 00:05:20,389 The Ukrainian bread-shortage stuff, was that ad-libbed? 77 00:05:20,480 --> 00:05:24,473 - Cos it was fucking brilliant! - Oh, no. l've had that for a while. 78 00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:29,554 You moan about not coming up with new stuff, and then... pow! 79 00:05:29,640 --> 00:05:33,269 One fantastic idea. You should have more faith in yourself, matey. 80 00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:35,794 l know. lt's just... you know. 81 00:05:40,280 --> 00:05:42,111 Been a really good night. 82 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:47,115 You must feel like a bloomin' million marks after that speech. 83 00:05:47,200 --> 00:05:52,911 l've said it twice already, l know, but it was top. l really enjoyed it. 84 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:59,269 Well, you know, like l say, it was a good night, it was a good night, it was a very good night. 85 00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:01,999 So what are you going to do about the old Communists? 86 00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:05,516 (mocks with a silly voice) 87 00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:08,592 The Foreign Ministry, that's where l want to get... 88 00:06:08,680 --> 00:06:11,274 - (Nazi #2) Sex! Sex. - (woman) Mmmm. 89 00:06:11,360 --> 00:06:14,158 - And... - (woman giggles) 90 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:16,435 - l want to get... - (Nazi #2) Let's have sex. 91 00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:21,548 l want to get a fact pack. That's so rude, l swear to God, rude. 92 00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:25,189 England. England's great. Just go - now. 93 00:06:25,280 --> 00:06:31,879 (posh accent) Oh, l say. Look, here come the Germans. We didn't expect that. 94 00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:38,718 And if l get a fact pack, l can just read that, and l'm off. 95 00:06:38,800 --> 00:06:43,271 The other thing l was gonna ask is, when are you on next? Cos l wanna catch that show. 96 00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:49,037 - Cos if it's anything as good as tonight... - Well, l'm doing Cologne on Thursday. 97 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:52,271 l'll be in Cologne on Thursday. l'm working there on Thursday. 98 00:06:52,360 --> 00:06:55,955 Oh, well, l'll look forward to seeing you there. 99 00:06:56,040 --> 00:06:59,157 Aren't you tired? Aren't you tired? 100 00:06:59,240 --> 00:07:00,639 Pissed, pissed up. 101 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:03,553 (woman) l've really aged since we've been in this room. 102 00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:07,633 Listen, l'm gonna head off. l'm gonna hit the road. Bye-bye. 103 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:09,278 (all shout goodbyes) 104 00:07:09,360 --> 00:07:12,796 - Nice to meet you. - (Hitler) Oh, you're not going, are you? Aw! 105 00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:17,556 - Take it easy. - And l'll see you in Cologne, hopefully. 106 00:07:17,640 --> 00:07:19,870 (Hitler) Oh, l'll look forward to that. 107 00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:24,158 (slurring) l'll look forward to seeing you in Cologne. 108 00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:26,037 (snoring) 109 00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:28,111 (birdsong) 110 00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,231 (buzzing) 111 00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:57,471 OK? OK. 112 00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:00,552 Good day, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the tour. 113 00:08:00,640 --> 00:08:04,838 My name's Gonilla. lt's a beautiful day for it. l hope you enjoy seeing the sights. 114 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:10,711 Starting on the left-hand side here, you can see a lady, and she has very thin hair. 115 00:08:10,800 --> 00:08:14,634 lt is so thin, you can see the head through it, like a skull. 116 00:08:14,720 --> 00:08:17,996 Also she has had to draw on her eyebrows with a black pencil, 117 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:21,277 because she has no real hairs on her face. 118 00:08:21,360 --> 00:08:25,831 l think if you shone a bright light behind her, you would see through her head. 119 00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:29,879 And then, a little further back, also on the left is a lady. 120 00:08:29,960 --> 00:08:32,713 Her head is so red and puffed up, 121 00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:35,917 she looks like she will explode. Hope she doesn't! 122 00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:39,072 All the nerves and veins are standing out, like a penis. 123 00:08:39,160 --> 00:08:44,029 She looks strange and confused, maybe because she is a little boss-eyed. 124 00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:46,680 And now, young men with beards. 125 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:50,958 ls there a more strange or disturbing sight? Not in my lifetime. 126 00:08:51,040 --> 00:08:56,672 When l see a young man with a beard, l think, ''Oh, no! Danger! Yorkshire Ripper!'' 127 00:08:56,760 --> 00:08:59,149 And now l have saved the best till last. 128 00:08:59,240 --> 00:09:05,315 At the back, these two, surely in terms of unfortunate deformity, they are twins. 129 00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:09,552 This one, on the left, he's got a big fat head with a little tiny face, 130 00:09:09,640 --> 00:09:13,269 and on the other side the guy has a big face, but just one ear. 131 00:09:13,360 --> 00:09:14,759 lncredible! 132 00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:17,434 Also, they look as thick as planks. 133 00:09:17,520 --> 00:09:22,719 So l thank you for the tour, l hope you enjoyed it, and to see you again sometime. 134 00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:24,791 (sparse applause) 135 00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:35,755 Aggressive proliferation. How many times have we been through this? 136 00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:39,469 - lf the figures were better... - No, we've covered... we've covered it. 137 00:09:39,560 --> 00:09:42,358 We can't just keep going round like this. 138 00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:46,991 Alexander's coming in any second. We've got nothing. 139 00:09:47,080 --> 00:09:50,629 We might as well give the Germans the company. 140 00:09:50,720 --> 00:09:54,429 OK, look. Here's an idea, OK? Just let me... 141 00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:57,994 (paper being torn, paper rustling) 142 00:10:21,560 --> 00:10:23,596 What are you up to there, Peter? 143 00:10:23,680 --> 00:10:28,196 l'm thinking, ''Why don't l try and distract Alexander with this?'' 144 00:10:28,280 --> 00:10:30,271 And then he won't know what's going on. 145 00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:33,548 - l like it. - What, that's it? 146 00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:37,749 Well, no. l could do a little dance as well. Something like that. 147 00:10:39,440 --> 00:10:41,431 As l say, l like it. 148 00:10:41,520 --> 00:10:43,511 The only reservation l would have 149 00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:47,957 is that Alexander might not see you in the bra and pants if you're standing over there. 150 00:10:48,040 --> 00:10:52,556 - That's no problem. l can stand over there. - l think it's an excellent idea. 151 00:10:52,640 --> 00:10:55,200 The dance, though... What do we think about that? 152 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:57,350 l could do something like that. 153 00:11:08,040 --> 00:11:09,632 l think that is a better dance. 154 00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:12,996 lf Alexander comes in here and Peter's wearing the bra and pants 155 00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:15,230 and he's dancing and so on, 156 00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:18,710 Alexander's going to be hugely distracted and confused 157 00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:21,473 and may not even talk about Zurich at all. 158 00:11:21,560 --> 00:11:26,236 Are we assuming too much in thinking he'll be distracted by Peter in the bra and panties? 159 00:11:26,320 --> 00:11:30,518 - l will be doing the dance. - Yeah, don't forget that. The dance is key. 160 00:11:30,600 --> 00:11:36,152 The only stumbling block for me, with respect, is that Peter's not a professional dancer. 161 00:11:36,240 --> 00:11:39,596 That's the whole point about the dance - that it's spontaneous! 162 00:11:39,680 --> 00:11:41,671 Yeah. Something like this. 163 00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:43,872 That is great! 164 00:11:43,960 --> 00:11:47,191 And the thing with Alexander is it's all psychology. 165 00:11:47,280 --> 00:11:49,840 lf it's done with conviction, he'll buy it. 166 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:51,433 (door opens) 167 00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:58,155 How are we doing on Zurich? 168 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:02,317 (liquid bubbling) 169 00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:05,153 (door opens and closes) 170 00:12:06,520 --> 00:12:09,512 - You called, sir? - Yes, l have, Simmons. 171 00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:12,751 Will you remove this skeleton, please? lt's freaking me out. 172 00:12:12,840 --> 00:12:18,039 - Certainly, sir. lt is a bit of a spazza. - Yes. Just get rid of it. 173 00:12:18,120 --> 00:12:20,509 - (throws voice) OK. - Don't. That's creepy. 174 00:12:20,600 --> 00:12:23,114 - Sorry, sir. - And what's this thing here? 175 00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:27,113 Why do we want a picture of a man who's swallowed a lot of big, silver worms? 176 00:12:27,200 --> 00:12:31,398 lt was either this or a poster of a woman having her pants pulled down by a chimp. 177 00:12:31,480 --> 00:12:33,277 This seemed more appropriate. 178 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:36,750 Not at all. You can see the inside of his arse. 179 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:40,435 As for this, my baser imaginations lead me to surmise that it could be 180 00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:44,354 an illustration of a lady's lower Venusian furrowed plough. 181 00:12:44,440 --> 00:12:47,637 - Find a picture of a little girl on a swing. - lmmediately, sir. 182 00:12:47,720 --> 00:12:50,871 - lf l could keep this for my own use... - Do what you will with it. 183 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:53,838 - And get rid of all this scientific apparatus. - Very well, sir. 184 00:12:53,920 --> 00:12:56,388 l'm a fireman, for God's sake. 185 00:13:00,200 --> 00:13:03,875 (man) So, as l say, l'll try not to keep you too long. 186 00:13:03,960 --> 00:13:10,832 But what we want is as clear as possible a description of this man who attacked you. 187 00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:14,913 Now, l've got a basic, rough outline here, OK? 188 00:13:15,000 --> 00:13:19,391 So let's start with his eyes. What were his eyes like? 189 00:13:20,440 --> 00:13:24,194 They were... melancholy. 190 00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:27,111 They were melancholy? 191 00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:32,319 Um... Right. You mean they were big eyes? 192 00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:36,712 ls that what you mean by melancholy? Big, baby eyes? 193 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:40,076 No, they were more desperate than that. 194 00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:45,039 Right. Um... like, more weaselly? Smaller? 195 00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:47,111 No, not weaselly. 196 00:13:48,400 --> 00:13:51,790 They were more ragged, like bats' eyes. 197 00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:57,394 - Uh... what, hooded? - No, definitely not hooded. 198 00:13:57,480 --> 00:14:00,153 Like bats' eyes, but not hooded. 199 00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:05,518 Well, l... don't know what that looks like, really. 200 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:08,629 OK, let's try starting with something else. 201 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:12,110 And perhaps that'll help me to understand what you mean. 202 00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:17,069 OK, let's think about his nose. What did his nose look like? 203 00:14:18,560 --> 00:14:20,551 Defiant. 204 00:14:21,840 --> 00:14:24,957 Defiant, right. So that's straight. A straight nose. 205 00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:28,032 No. There was a rage behind the nose. 206 00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:32,191 Rage behind the nose, right. 207 00:14:32,280 --> 00:14:36,831 lf we can think less about what was behind the nose and more about what the actual... 208 00:14:36,920 --> 00:14:39,912 - l'm trying to help. - Yes, yes, l know. 209 00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:45,597 lt's just that if you stick to physical details, that'll really help me, OK? 210 00:14:45,680 --> 00:14:50,879 So, was it a straight nose, or did it have a bump on the bridge? 211 00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:53,030 Yeah, exactly like that, 212 00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:56,673 but... more mainstream. 213 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:13,075 His mouth. What was his mouth like? Was it a wide mouth? Did he have a mouth? 214 00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:15,757 Daft. 215 00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:18,149 - What the hell does that mean? - lf you let me... 216 00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:19,878 Fuck off. 217 00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:29,477 (John) That's a very interesting variation. Almost disappeared under the table. 218 00:15:29,560 --> 00:15:31,516 (David) Yes. 219 00:15:32,320 --> 00:15:34,959 Here we go. Let's have a look at this. 220 00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:38,430 There's the angle, 32 degrees, and he drops. 221 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:41,239 And that is... according to that, 222 00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:45,154 37 degrees - that's quite a drop, 5 degrees. 223 00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:48,835 Welll Who says staring isn't exciting? 224 00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:54,156 His cheekbones were like, um... 225 00:15:54,240 --> 00:15:58,518 You know the way a shoal of fish groups? They were like that. 226 00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:02,275 And, um... that jaw there, 227 00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:05,113 it was really practical the way... 228 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:10,593 What kind of fish? Sorry, let's go back. What kind of fish? 229 00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:12,989 - Freshwater? Sea? - Yeah, freshwater. 230 00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:17,471 Freshwater fish, good. lt's best to get the detail down, isn't it? 231 00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:31,751 (ringing tone) 232 00:16:33,040 --> 00:16:37,238 (woman) Please hold. Your call is being held in a queue. 233 00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:39,311 (pop music) 234 00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:44,517 - Jackie speaking. How may I help you? -(man's voice) Hello. Um... 235 00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:48,832 Could l book a seat for tonight, please, for Oh, What a Lovely War?. 236 00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:51,229 - For this evening? - Yeah, please. 237 00:16:51,320 --> 00:16:54,073 Let's see what seats we've got available. 238 00:16:54,160 --> 00:16:56,754 - Did you want a top-price seat, or... ? - How much is it? 239 00:16:57,440 --> 00:17:01,035 Well, the best-priced seats are ? 1 9.50 with a ? 1 booking fee. 240 00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:03,395 - Yeah, that's fine. - That would be ?20.50. 241 00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:05,948 ? 1 9.50 with a ? 1 booking fee. ?20.50. 242 00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:10,033 And that's for this evening, Oh, What a Lovely War, at 7.45. 243 00:17:10,120 --> 00:17:11,792 Right. OK. 244 00:17:11,880 --> 00:17:15,270 Can l just ask what your policy on dogs is? 245 00:17:15,360 --> 00:17:18,352 - Whether dogs are allowed into the theatre? - Yeah. 246 00:17:18,440 --> 00:17:21,432 You're thinking of taking an animal with you tonight? 247 00:17:21,520 --> 00:17:24,398 Sort of, yes. Well... yes. 248 00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:27,074 - I'll find out for you. Hold on the line. - Thanks. 249 00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:29,594 (pop music) 250 00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:31,671 (dog hums along) 251 00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:36,119 - Hello. - Hello. 252 00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:38,430 - OK. Is it a visual-aid dog? - Um... 253 00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:39,589 No. 254 00:17:39,680 --> 00:17:42,672 - Right. So it's just a normal, um... - Dog. 255 00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:47,550 Cos they won't allow a dog in there unless it's for helping a person with impaired vision. 256 00:17:47,640 --> 00:17:49,835 Oh... Oh. OK. 257 00:17:49,920 --> 00:17:52,992 All right, never mind. l'll probably have to leave it, then. 258 00:17:53,480 --> 00:17:57,075 - Right. OK. I'm sorry about that. - Never mind. Thanks. Bye. 259 00:17:58,440 --> 00:18:00,431 Hello? Hello? 260 00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:03,671 ls anybody there? 261 00:18:03,760 --> 00:18:05,557 Hello? Hello? 262 00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:07,631 You bet there's someone here! Hello! 263 00:18:07,720 --> 00:18:09,199 What's your position? 264 00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:13,068 lt's hard to tell. The instrument panel's taken a bit of a beating. 265 00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:14,832 Bit like the rest of us, l suppose. 266 00:18:14,920 --> 00:18:16,956 - What's your name? - Say again? 267 00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:20,635 Got to put a name to the voice. Otherwise it's like listening to the radio. 268 00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:22,199 Lew Ayres and his orchestra. 269 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:25,511 l'd much rather be speaking to a pretty girl like you. 270 00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:27,513 l'm not so pretty. 271 00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:30,478 - Oh, l bet you are. What's your name? - Helen. 272 00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:33,358 Helen, l don't have much time, so l've got to be quick. 273 00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:38,833 Name: David Harcroft. Rank: flight lieutenant. Conservative by nature, Labour by experience. 274 00:18:38,920 --> 00:18:41,354 l dislike classical music, except for Elgar. 275 00:18:41,440 --> 00:18:46,560 David, l'm sorry, l have to stop you there. Another doomed airman is on a different line. 276 00:18:46,640 --> 00:18:50,030 The rolling green hills, how l wish l was there now. 277 00:18:50,120 --> 00:18:53,715 Maybe stop off for a pint on the way home. Cricket on the village green. 278 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:57,110 Eric, Helen here again. How are you getting on there? 279 00:18:57,200 --> 00:19:00,636 Fine, thanks, Helen. l wonder who'll win the Boat Race this year. 280 00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:05,794 (interference) ..pretty in her red dress, her mother making scones in the kitchen, 281 00:19:05,880 --> 00:19:08,872 her father in the garden tending his roses. 282 00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:10,871 Was it really only last summer? 283 00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:14,669 - Alan, Helen here again. - Helen! Hello! 284 00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:17,479 Gosh, l bet you're pretty. l wish l could see you. 285 00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:21,917 lf l could, l'd pepper sweet kisses all over your pretty little face! Do you hear me? 286 00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:26,357 lt's wasted on me, old boy. l think Helen must've got the old lines crossed a bit. 287 00:19:26,440 --> 00:19:27,475 l'm here, David. 288 00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:31,792 Helen, l haven't got much time. There's something l want to know before l die. 289 00:19:31,880 --> 00:19:34,917 Could someone like you ever love a crusty old flyboy like me? 290 00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:36,718 You know l could, David. 291 00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:40,713 l've had some girls in my time, maybe even loved a few, 292 00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:43,439 but give me a crusty old flyboy any day of the week. 293 00:19:43,520 --> 00:19:45,750 l say, could someone put Helen back on? 294 00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:47,592 Hello? Hello? 295 00:19:47,680 --> 00:19:50,194 - l think she's gone. - Oh, blast! 296 00:19:50,280 --> 00:19:53,556 - (engine sputters) - Oh, well. Better start screaming, l suppose. 297 00:19:53,640 --> 00:19:55,119 l suppose we'd better. 298 00:19:56,160 --> 00:19:57,388 Aaaaarghhh! 299 00:19:57,480 --> 00:19:58,151 Aaaaarrrghhh! 300 00:19:58,240 --> 00:19:59,639 Aaarghhhh! 301 00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:01,711 (humming to herself) 302 00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:06,629 (breathless) OK, Mike. That's great. 303 00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:08,631 Let's try a few starts. 304 00:20:08,720 --> 00:20:12,235 Now... lt's so important to get this right. 305 00:20:12,320 --> 00:20:15,630 You can be 1 00% fit, you can be the best there is, 306 00:20:15,720 --> 00:20:17,711 but if your timing's out... 307 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,597 So focus. 308 00:20:19,680 --> 00:20:20,874 OK. 309 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:22,951 And... ready. 310 00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:28,793 OK. Mike? You were just a little bit late there. 311 00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:32,873 - Right. - Just a little bit late, so try it again. 312 00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:37,071 Ready! 313 00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:41,748 Yeah, still a little bit late. 314 00:20:42,760 --> 00:20:45,558 Come back. Basically... immediately after the gun. 315 00:20:45,640 --> 00:20:47,915 - OK. lmmediately after the gun. - Yeah. 316 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,992 OK, we'll try the full routine. 317 00:20:51,080 --> 00:20:53,389 OK. Ready? 318 00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:56,070 On your marks! 319 00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:57,957 Set! 320 00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:01,391 Now, again... 321 00:21:01,480 --> 00:21:03,948 there's just that tiny delay. 322 00:21:05,320 --> 00:21:08,471 Basically, if you can not delay at all, that'd be... 323 00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:11,233 - So no delay. - Exactly. No delay. 324 00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:13,311 - OK. - OK. 325 00:21:14,600 --> 00:21:15,828 Ready! 326 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:17,911 No. No. 327 00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:20,560 - Too small a delay there. - Right. 328 00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:23,871 Basically, you went off before l fired the gun. 329 00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:25,359 Right. OK. 330 00:21:25,440 --> 00:21:27,237 - You all right? - Yeah. 331 00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:29,595 - Got it? - Yeah, l've got it. 332 00:21:30,200 --> 00:21:32,191 Ready! 333 00:21:36,560 --> 00:21:39,199 No, that's too... too big a delay now. 334 00:21:39,280 --> 00:21:40,872 - Right. - All right? 335 00:21:40,960 --> 00:21:45,033 - Let's rein it back to the original delay, OK? - OK. 336 00:21:45,120 --> 00:21:47,588 - All right. Got it? - Yeah. OK. 337 00:21:48,320 --> 00:21:50,311 Ready! 338 00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:55,950 No... Mike! That's what l mean. 339 00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:59,596 Your ''On your mark, set'' - that was fine. 340 00:21:59,680 --> 00:22:01,477 But, uh... 341 00:22:01,560 --> 00:22:06,793 if you delay after the gun, that's the only sticking point, you see? 342 00:22:06,880 --> 00:22:11,715 lf you don't delay after the gun, well, that's it, you're gonna have it cracked. 343 00:22:11,800 --> 00:22:13,916 You can run 1 00 metres in nine seconds. 344 00:22:14,000 --> 00:22:16,912 lf you don't delay, you'll be an Olympic gold medallist. 345 00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,309 - You think? - As simple as that. 346 00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:22,870 We'll try one more, then have a break, have a cup of tea. All right? 347 00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:24,154 OK. 348 00:22:24,240 --> 00:22:26,276 - OK? - Yeah. 349 00:22:26,360 --> 00:22:28,351 Ready! 350 00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:30,871 Perfect! That's it, Mike! 351 00:22:30,960 --> 00:22:33,838 Straight line! Straight line, Mike! Straight line! 352 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:36,593 That's it... Straight line, Mike! 353 00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:38,671 Back on the track! 354 00:22:39,240 --> 00:22:41,231 Mike! 355 00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:44,431 You all right? 356 00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:46,559 Mike? 357 00:22:48,040 --> 00:22:53,558 (John) There it is, what every competitor is staring at - or should I say ''staring for''? 358 00:22:53,640 --> 00:22:56,757 The trophy, only eight and a half inches high. 359 00:22:56,840 --> 00:23:00,071 What wouldn't these two men give to get their hands on it? 360 00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:02,435 All the greats have won this trophy. 361 00:23:02,520 --> 00:23:08,709 People like Alan Gambles, Todot Strottengeimer, Bing Sharples. 362 00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:10,791 - Nodding away there, David. - Yes. 363 00:23:10,880 --> 00:23:11,869 Giggles Clifton. 364 00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:18,115 (David) I tell you what, John. It makes me nostalgic thinking of Giggles Clifton. 365 00:23:18,200 --> 00:23:20,998 They used to call him ''the Tall Man''. 366 00:23:21,080 --> 00:23:25,198 (John) It was stolen, of course, in 1 97 1 - or just before the 1 97 1 tournament. 367 00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:27,748 - (David) Yes. - But, as everyone knows, 368 00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:29,831 it was found under a bush by a dog. 369 00:23:29,920 --> 00:23:33,356 - Do you remember the name of that dog? - (David laughs) Yes, I do. 370 00:23:33,440 --> 00:23:41,028 The dog's name was Mr Jobby. Yes, he found it under a... under a hedge. 371 00:23:41,120 --> 00:23:43,918 - And thank goodness he did, John. - Absolutely. 372 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:46,389 (David) And where would we be without it? 373 00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:51,478 - You dare to blame me, sir? - You lead me to it, Shelby. Compel me to it! 374 00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:54,677 But when l see an officer acting in flagrant disregard... 375 00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:57,638 Damn it, man, a battle makes new demands every second! 376 00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:01,156 l do not contest that, but that such an impudent upstart as yourself... 377 00:24:01,240 --> 00:24:04,437 - Upstart? - Aye, sir! Upstart. lll-disciplined and... 378 00:24:04,520 --> 00:24:09,435 # Rose, Rose, shall l ever see thee wed? 379 00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:16,551 # Aye, marry that thou wilt when l am dead 380 00:24:16,640 --> 00:24:20,269 # Rose, Rose, Rose, Rose 381 00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:24,273 - # Shall l ever see thee wed? - # Rose, Rose, Rose, Rose 382 00:24:24,360 --> 00:24:26,157 - # Aye, marry... - # Rose, Rose... 383 00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:30,028 No, no, no, no! As soon as l finish, you're supposed to come in! 384 00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:32,111 - l did! - You didn't! You were late. 385 00:24:32,200 --> 00:24:35,078 - l went, ''Rose, Rose, Rose, Rose...'' - And l came in! 386 00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:37,390 Listen! You went, ''Rose, Rose, Rose, Rose...'' 387 00:24:37,480 --> 00:24:40,074 - And l came in! - Shut up! l'm doing the pause you did! 388 00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:44,153 - l didn't do a pause! - You did do a pause! l heard it! 389 00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:46,310 You can't hear a pause! lt's just silence! 390 00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:49,995 (# ''The Girl from Ipanema'' playing on hi-fi) 391 00:24:59,040 --> 00:25:01,031 (knock on door) 392 00:25:10,280 --> 00:25:12,589 - Oh. Hello. - (man) Hi. 393 00:25:12,680 --> 00:25:16,514 - Yes? - You called for an escort. 394 00:25:16,600 --> 00:25:20,195 Look... No... No, wait there a sec, please. 395 00:25:22,240 --> 00:25:25,789 l think there's been a terrible mistake. l called for this woman. 396 00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:27,836 That's obviously a Page Three model. 397 00:25:27,920 --> 00:25:30,912 You didn't expect me to look like that, did you? 398 00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:33,070 Well, l'm not gay. 399 00:25:33,160 --> 00:25:37,153 That's OK, l do gay or straight. A little extra for straight, but... 400 00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:39,231 Oh, right. Um... 401 00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:42,639 - Well, you'd better come in then. - Great. 402 00:25:44,480 --> 00:25:47,119 - Can l have a drink? - Yeah, sure. What can l get you? 403 00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:49,395 Vodka and orange, please. 404 00:25:49,560 --> 00:25:52,313 Can l have a pint? 405 00:25:56,920 --> 00:25:59,388 Come to bed. 406 00:26:02,360 --> 00:26:04,555 There you are. 407 00:26:07,160 --> 00:26:09,355 - Cheers. - Cheers. 408 00:26:36,400 --> 00:26:41,235 Yeah, l just need to... Are you sure this is straight sex? 409 00:26:41,320 --> 00:26:46,792 - Yeah. - Mm-hm. So, uh... how does that work? 410 00:26:46,880 --> 00:26:51,749 Um, hard to explain, but you'll find out once we're away. 411 00:26:51,840 --> 00:26:55,071 Right. OK. You're not hermaphrodite, or...? 412 00:26:55,160 --> 00:26:59,119 No, no, no. They're neither, l'm both. 413 00:27:00,120 --> 00:27:03,829 Right. Fine. Definitely straight sex? 414 00:27:03,920 --> 00:27:07,629 Yeah. Yeah. You know, unless you're curious. 415 00:27:07,720 --> 00:27:10,792 No, no. l'm definitely straight. Definitely. 416 00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:13,110 OK. Straight it is, then. 417 00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:16,988 OK. l just still can't quite work out how it's going... 418 00:27:22,160 --> 00:27:24,310 Oh! Right. 419 00:27:25,320 --> 00:27:28,949 - (hooker) Do you see? - That is very clever. 420 00:27:33,160 --> 00:27:37,039 So, eyebrows as if they were on retractable springs, 421 00:27:37,120 --> 00:27:39,509 but not actually on retractable springs. 422 00:27:39,600 --> 00:27:42,068 Yeah, just the impression of those springs. 423 00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:44,196 Just below his eyes. 424 00:27:44,280 --> 00:27:46,555 No, the eyebrows were above his eyes. 425 00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:49,393 Oh, they were above his eyes? OK. Um... 426 00:27:50,400 --> 00:27:52,789 - Two, one on each eye? - He had two eyebrows, yeah. 427 00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:54,711 Cor! Did he? 428 00:27:54,800 --> 00:27:56,438 And his ears. 429 00:27:56,520 --> 00:28:01,753 You were saying that his ears were like a fat, dead Japanese businessman. 430 00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:07,198 Yeah. l don't think you've tried to get that. That is exactly how they were. 431 00:28:07,280 --> 00:28:09,510 You've got the fatness, but not the dead thing. 432 00:28:09,600 --> 00:28:13,559 ls it the pinstripe suit that's not accurate? l've perhaps missed that one... 433 00:28:13,640 --> 00:28:17,519 - Yes, he didn't have a suit on. - No, what a stupid idea. 434 00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:19,636 We'll scrub the suit, then, shall we? 435 00:28:19,720 --> 00:28:22,632 What about getting a 3-D model, a bit like that? 436 00:28:22,720 --> 00:28:26,235 Perhaps that's what he looked like. Let's get on to the sergeant. 437 00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:29,551 Hello, Sergeant. Yeah, it's Peters here. 438 00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:34,156 Can you, uh... can you look out for a man who looks like a load of...? 439 00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:36,708 Oh, bollocks! 440 00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:41,988 Right, let's start again. 441 00:28:42,080 --> 00:28:44,469 Please... 442 00:28:44,680 --> 00:28:45,954 Please... (whimpers) 443 00:28:46,040 --> 00:28:48,110 OK. Now... 444 00:28:48,200 --> 00:28:50,634 - Please... - There. 445 00:28:50,720 --> 00:28:56,397 That... is what l mean when l say a sheepish jaw, right? 446 00:28:56,480 --> 00:28:58,471 Please don't do any more! 447 00:28:58,560 --> 00:29:00,471 Visiontext Subtitles: Doreen Trenerry