# Big train
(sentimental English classical music)
- (boy) Hello, sir. - (boy #2) Hello, sir.
(boy #3) How are you today, sir?
(boy #2) Can I help you with your bags?
Three cheers for sir. Hip, hip, hip.
(boy #1 ) I bet if King Arthur were alive now, he'd fight the Germans too.
- (boy #4) What time is rugger today, sir? - (boy #2) May I play on the first team, sir?
Big fat cocksl
(boy #3) How is Mrs Carstairs?
I think this is the best school in the whole worldl
(boy #4) Sir, why does the old clock not have a second hand?
(boy #3) May we have a class outside?
I've been so happy here.
(boy #1 ) But they can't knock down the schooll They can'tl
(boy #2) Big fat smelly cocksl
- (boy #4) Must we learn Latin today? - (boy #2) Big cocksl
(boy #3) May we have a prayer, sir, for the soldiers who didn't come back?
(boy #2) It's from my mother, sir. My father is very ill.
- Your arse stinksl - Big fat hairy fanniesl
- Giant knockersl - You smell, sirl
Big fat arses on your headl
(overlapping shouts of ridicule)
- Have you got a chance in the last? - Oooh, l dunno. Got a bit of a nag this time.
- Really? How about you? - l dunno. Going's good, though.
Oi! What are you doin' here? Go on, out.
- And you. Oi, go on out. - Sling your hook.
Go on, out you go.
So anyway, l went down that pub...
(John) You're watching the 43rd World Stare-out Championship finals.
We're all set for Anan Nanak
against England's John Duran.
(hubbub of crowd)
It's impossible not to comment on Duran's unusual style.
(David) Well, all I can say is that Duran is never an easy draw for any of the favourites.
He's a real battler and...
OK, he may not have as much natural ability as some of the bigger names,
but who knows what can happen?
This really is tremendous stuff.
(John) Much has been written about Duran not being taken seriously because of his style
and always being in the shadow of Britain's number one, Andrew Dudley.
But at 32, Duran is the first Briton to reach this stage of the championship since 1 993.
(David) He apparently goes on the town with Danny Baker, Chris Evans and Gazza.
(John) I wonder who pays for the first round of drinksl
(David chuckles knowingly)
(chuckling continues)
(chuckling peters out)
(crowd cheers)
(Hitler speaking in German)
(crowd chants)
(man) l thought that went really well.
They're always good here - always. There's always a good crowd.
- Are you sticking around for a bit? - Yeah, we'll be around for the evening.
Well, help yourselves to the services.
The wine's very good as well.
Frau and Fraulein Grumblat? Nice to see you again. l hope you enjoyed the show.
- Congratulations. - Thanks very much. l enjoyed it.
So, you know, there was nothing much to do after the First World War.
- You know what a state the country was in. - Yes.
Nietzsche is probably my main influence.
l found it hard to get through. lt was a tough read for me.
Maybe... Obviously you...
l dunno. lt's hard to read, l just thought.
- Oh, well, you know - Obviously you read it and...
And here we are. l suppose it's the difference between me and you.
Eh? No, you won't.
That stuff you were doing, was that...
The Ukrainian bread-shortage stuff, was that ad-libbed?
- Cos it was fucking brilliant! - Oh, no. l've had that for a while.
You moan about not coming up with new stuff, and then... pow!
One fantastic idea. You should have more faith in yourself, matey.
l know. lt's just... you know.
Been a really good night.
You must feel like a bloomin' million marks after that speech.
l've said it twice already, l know, but it was top. l really enjoyed it.
Well, you know, like l say, it was a good night, it was a good night, it was a very good night.
So what are you going to do about the old Communists?
(mocks with a silly voice)
The Foreign Ministry, that's where l want to get...
- (Nazi #2) Sex! Sex. - (woman) Mmmm.
- And... - (woman giggles)
- l want to get... - (Nazi #2) Let's have sex.
l want to get a fact pack. That's so rude, l swear to God, rude.
England. England's great. Just go - now.
(posh accent) Oh, l say. Look, here come the Germans. We didn't expect that.
And if l get a fact pack, l can just read that, and l'm off.
The other thing l was gonna ask is, when are you on next? Cos l wanna catch that show.
- Cos if it's anything as good as tonight... - Well, l'm doing Cologne on Thursday.
l'll be in Cologne on Thursday. l'm working there on Thursday.
Oh, well, l'll look forward to seeing you there.
Aren't you tired? Aren't you tired?
Pissed, pissed up.
(woman) l've really aged since we've been in this room.
Listen, l'm gonna head off. l'm gonna hit the road. Bye-bye.
(all shout goodbyes)
- Nice to meet you. - (Hitler) Oh, you're not going, are you? Aw!
- Take it easy. - And l'll see you in Cologne, hopefully.
(Hitler) Oh, l'll look forward to that.
(slurring) l'll look forward to seeing you in Cologne.
(snoring)
(birdsong)
(buzzing)
OK? OK.
Good day, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the tour.
My name's Gonilla. lt's a beautiful day for it. l hope you enjoy seeing the sights.
Starting on the left-hand side here, you can see a lady, and she has very thin hair.
lt is so thin, you can see the head through it, like a skull.
Also she has had to draw on her eyebrows with a black pencil,
because she has no real hairs on her face.
l think if you shone a bright light behind her, you would see through her head.
And then, a little further back, also on the left is a lady.
Her head is so red and puffed up,
she looks like she will explode. Hope she doesn't!
All the nerves and veins are standing out, like a penis.
She looks strange and confused, maybe because she is a little boss-eyed.
And now, young men with beards.
ls there a more strange or disturbing sight? Not in my lifetime.
When l see a young man with a beard, l think, ''Oh, no! Danger! Yorkshire Ripper!''
And now l have saved the best till last.
At the back, these two, surely in terms of unfortunate deformity, they are twins.
This one, on the left, he's got a big fat head with a little tiny face,
and on the other side the guy has a big face, but just one ear.
lncredible!
Also, they look as thick as planks.
So l thank you for the tour, l hope you enjoyed it, and to see you again sometime.
(sparse applause)
Aggressive proliferation. How many times have we been through this?
- lf the figures were better... - No, we've covered... we've covered it.
We can't just keep going round like this.
Alexander's coming in any second. We've got nothing.
We might as well give the Germans the company.
OK, look. Here's an idea, OK? Just let me...
(paper being torn, paper rustling)
What are you up to there, Peter?
l'm thinking, ''Why don't l try and distract Alexander with this?''
And then he won't know what's going on.
- l like it. - What, that's it?
Well, no. l could do a little dance as well. Something like that.
As l say, l like it.
The only reservation l would have
is that Alexander might not see you in the bra and pants if you're standing over there.
- That's no problem. l can stand over there. - l think it's an excellent idea.
The dance, though... What do we think about that?
l could do something like that.
l think that is a better dance.
lf Alexander comes in here and Peter's wearing the bra and pants
and he's dancing and so on,
Alexander's going to be hugely distracted and confused
and may not even talk about Zurich at all.
Are we assuming too much in thinking he'll be distracted by Peter in the bra and panties?
- l will be doing the dance. - Yeah, don't forget that. The dance is key.
The only stumbling block for me, with respect, is that Peter's not a professional dancer.
That's the whole point about the dance - that it's spontaneous!
Yeah. Something like this.
That is great!
And the thing with Alexander is it's all psychology.
lf it's done with conviction, he'll buy it.
(door opens)
How are we doing on Zurich?
(liquid bubbling)
(door opens and closes)
- You called, sir? - Yes, l have, Simmons.
Will you remove this skeleton, please? lt's freaking me out.
- Certainly, sir. lt is a bit of a spazza. - Yes. Just get rid of it.
- (throws voice) OK. - Don't. That's creepy.
- Sorry, sir. - And what's this thing here?
Why do we want a picture of a man who's swallowed a lot of big, silver worms?
lt was either this or a poster of a woman having her pants pulled down by a chimp.
This seemed more appropriate.
Not at all. You can see the inside of his arse.
As for this, my baser imaginations lead me to surmise that it could be
an illustration of a lady's lower Venusian furrowed plough.
- Find a picture of a little girl on a swing. - lmmediately, sir.
- lf l could keep this for my own use... - Do what you will with it.
- And get rid of all this scientific apparatus. - Very well, sir.
l'm a fireman, for God's sake.
(man) So, as l say, l'll try not to keep you too long.
But what we want is as clear as possible a description of this man who attacked you.
Now, l've got a basic, rough outline here, OK?
So let's start with his eyes. What were his eyes like?
They were... melancholy.
They were melancholy?
Um... Right. You mean they were big eyes?
ls that what you mean by melancholy? Big, baby eyes?
No, they were more desperate than that.
Right. Um... like, more weaselly? Smaller?
No, not weaselly.
They were more ragged, like bats' eyes.
- Uh... what, hooded? - No, definitely not hooded.
Like bats' eyes, but not hooded.
Well, l... don't know what that looks like, really.
OK, let's try starting with something else.
And perhaps that'll help me to understand what you mean.
OK, let's think about his nose. What did his nose look like?
Defiant.
Defiant, right. So that's straight. A straight nose.
No. There was a rage behind the nose.
Rage behind the nose, right.
lf we can think less about what was behind the nose and more about what the actual...
- l'm trying to help. - Yes, yes, l know.
lt's just that if you stick to physical details, that'll really help me, OK?
So, was it a straight nose, or did it have a bump on the bridge?
Yeah, exactly like that,
but... more mainstream.
His mouth. What was his mouth like? Was it a wide mouth? Did he have a mouth?
Daft.
- What the hell does that mean? - lf you let me...
Fuck off.
(John) That's a very interesting variation. Almost disappeared under the table.
(David) Yes.
Here we go. Let's have a look at this.
There's the angle, 32 degrees, and he drops.
And that is... according to that,
37 degrees - that's quite a drop, 5 degrees.
Welll Who says staring isn't exciting?
His cheekbones were like, um...
You know the way a shoal of fish groups? They were like that.
And, um... that jaw there,
it was really practical the way...
What kind of fish? Sorry, let's go back. What kind of fish?
- Freshwater? Sea? - Yeah, freshwater.
Freshwater fish, good. lt's best to get the detail down, isn't it?
(ringing tone)
(woman) Please hold. Your call is being held in a queue.
(pop music)
- Jackie speaking. How may I help you? -(man's voice) Hello. Um...
Could l book a seat for tonight, please, for Oh, What a Lovely War?.
- For this evening? - Yeah, please.
Let's see what seats we've got available.
- Did you want a top-price seat, or... ? - How much is it?
Well, the best-priced seats are ? 1 9.50 with a ? 1 booking fee.
- Yeah, that's fine. - That would be ?20.50.
? 1 9.50 with a ? 1 booking fee. ?20.50.
And that's for this evening, Oh, What a Lovely War, at 7.45.
Right. OK.
Can l just ask what your policy on dogs is?
- Whether dogs are allowed into the theatre? - Yeah.
You're thinking of taking an animal with you tonight?
Sort of, yes. Well... yes.
- I'll find out for you. Hold on the line. - Thanks.
(pop music)
(dog hums along)
- Hello. - Hello.
- OK. Is it a visual-aid dog? - Um...
No.
- Right. So it's just a normal, um... - Dog.
Cos they won't allow a dog in there unless it's for helping a person with impaired vision.
Oh... Oh. OK.
All right, never mind. l'll probably have to leave it, then.
- Right. OK. I'm sorry about that. - Never mind. Thanks. Bye.
Hello? Hello?
ls anybody there?
Hello? Hello?
You bet there's someone here! Hello!
What's your position?
lt's hard to tell. The instrument panel's taken a bit of a beating.
Bit like the rest of us, l suppose.
- What's your name? - Say again?
Got to put a name to the voice. Otherwise it's like listening to the radio.
Lew Ayres and his orchestra.
l'd much rather be speaking to a pretty girl like you.
l'm not so pretty.
- Oh, l bet you are. What's your name? - Helen.
Helen, l don't have much time, so l've got to be quick.
Name: David Harcroft. Rank: flight lieutenant. Conservative by nature, Labour by experience.
l dislike classical music, except for Elgar.
David, l'm sorry, l have to stop you there. Another doomed airman is on a different line.
The rolling green hills, how l wish l was there now.
Maybe stop off for a pint on the way home. Cricket on the village green.
Eric, Helen here again. How are you getting on there?
Fine, thanks, Helen. l wonder who'll win the Boat Race this year.
(interference) ..pretty in her red dress, her mother making scones in the kitchen,
her father in the garden tending his roses.
Was it really only last summer?
- Alan, Helen here again. - Helen! Hello!
Gosh, l bet you're pretty. l wish l could see you.
lf l could, l'd pepper sweet kisses all over your pretty little face! Do you hear me?
lt's wasted on me, old boy. l think Helen must've got the old lines crossed a bit.
l'm here, David.
Helen, l haven't got much time. There's something l want to know before l die.
Could someone like you ever love a crusty old flyboy like me?
You know l could, David.
l've had some girls in my time, maybe even loved a few,
but give me a crusty old flyboy any day of the week.
l say, could someone put Helen back on?
Hello? Hello?
- l think she's gone. - Oh, blast!
- (engine sputters) - Oh, well. Better start screaming, l suppose.
l suppose we'd better.
Aaaaarghhh!
Aaaaarrrghhh!
Aaarghhhh!
(humming to herself)
(breathless) OK, Mike. That's great.
Let's try a few starts.
Now... lt's so important to get this right.
You can be 1 00% fit, you can be the best there is,
but if your timing's out...
So focus.
OK.
And... ready.
OK. Mike? You were just a little bit late there.
- Right. - Just a little bit late, so try it again.
Ready!
Yeah, still a little bit late.
Come back. Basically... immediately after the gun.
- OK. lmmediately after the gun. - Yeah.
OK, we'll try the full routine.
OK. Ready?
On your marks!
Set!
Now, again...
there's just that tiny delay.
Basically, if you can not delay at all, that'd be...
- So no delay. - Exactly. No delay.
- OK. - OK.
Ready!
No. No.
- Too small a delay there. - Right.
Basically, you went off before l fired the gun.
Right. OK.
- You all right? - Yeah.
- Got it? - Yeah, l've got it.
Ready!
No, that's too... too big a delay now.
- Right. - All right?
- Let's rein it back to the original delay, OK? - OK.
- All right. Got it? - Yeah. OK.
Ready!
No... Mike! That's what l mean.
Your ''On your mark, set'' - that was fine.
But, uh...
if you delay after the gun, that's the only sticking point, you see?
lf you don't delay after the gun, well, that's it, you're gonna have it cracked.
You can run 1 00 metres in nine seconds.
lf you don't delay, you'll be an Olympic gold medallist.
- You think? - As simple as that.
We'll try one more, then have a break, have a cup of tea. All right?
OK.
- OK? - Yeah.
Ready!
Perfect! That's it, Mike!
Straight line! Straight line, Mike! Straight line!
That's it... Straight line, Mike!
Back on the track!
Mike!
You all right?
Mike?
(John) There it is, what every competitor is staring at - or should I say ''staring for''?
The trophy, only eight and a half inches high.
What wouldn't these two men give to get their hands on it?
All the greats have won this trophy.
People like Alan Gambles, Todot Strottengeimer, Bing Sharples.
- Nodding away there, David. - Yes.
Giggles Clifton.
(David) I tell you what, John. It makes me nostalgic thinking of Giggles Clifton.
They used to call him ''the Tall Man''.
(John) It was stolen, of course, in 1 97 1 - or just before the 1 97 1 tournament.
- (David) Yes. - But, as everyone knows,
it was found under a bush by a dog.
- Do you remember the name of that dog? - (David laughs) Yes, I do.
The dog's name was Mr Jobby. Yes, he found it under a... under a hedge.
- And thank goodness he did, John. - Absolutely.
(David) And where would we be without it?
- You dare to blame me, sir? - You lead me to it, Shelby. Compel me to it!
But when l see an officer acting in flagrant disregard...
Damn it, man, a battle makes new demands every second!
l do not contest that, but that such an impudent upstart as yourself...
- Upstart? - Aye, sir! Upstart. lll-disciplined and...
# Rose, Rose, shall l ever see thee wed?
# Aye, marry that thou wilt when l am dead
# Rose, Rose, Rose, Rose
- # Shall l ever see thee wed? - # Rose, Rose, Rose, Rose
- # Aye, marry... - # Rose, Rose...
No, no, no, no! As soon as l finish, you're supposed to come in!
- l did! - You didn't! You were late.
- l went, ''Rose, Rose, Rose, Rose...'' - And l came in!
Listen! You went, ''Rose, Rose, Rose, Rose...''
- And l came in! - Shut up! l'm doing the pause you did!
- l didn't do a pause! - You did do a pause! l heard it!
You can't hear a pause! lt's just silence!
(# ''The Girl from Ipanema'' playing on hi-fi)
(knock on door)
- Oh. Hello. - (man) Hi.
- Yes? - You called for an escort.
Look... No... No, wait there a sec, please.
l think there's been a terrible mistake. l called for this woman.
That's obviously a Page Three model.
You didn't expect me to look like that, did you?
Well, l'm not gay.
That's OK, l do gay or straight. A little extra for straight, but...
Oh, right. Um...
- Well, you'd better come in then. - Great.
- Can l have a drink? - Yeah, sure. What can l get you?
Vodka and orange, please.
Can l have a pint?
Come to bed.
There you are.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
Yeah, l just need to... Are you sure this is straight sex?
- Yeah. - Mm-hm. So, uh... how does that work?
Um, hard to explain, but you'll find out once we're away.
Right. OK. You're not hermaphrodite, or...?
No, no, no. They're neither, l'm both.
Right. Fine. Definitely straight sex?
Yeah. Yeah. You know, unless you're curious.
No, no. l'm definitely straight. Definitely.
OK. Straight it is, then.
OK. l just still can't quite work out how it's going...
Oh! Right.
- (hooker) Do you see? - That is very clever.
So, eyebrows as if they were on retractable springs,
but not actually on retractable springs.
Yeah, just the impression of those springs.
Just below his eyes.
No, the eyebrows were above his eyes.
Oh, they were above his eyes? OK. Um...
- Two, one on each eye? - He had two eyebrows, yeah.
Cor! Did he?
And his ears.
You were saying that his ears were like a fat, dead Japanese businessman.
Yeah. l don't think you've tried to get that. That is exactly how they were.
You've got the fatness, but not the dead thing.
ls it the pinstripe suit that's not accurate? l've perhaps missed that one...
- Yes, he didn't have a suit on. - No, what a stupid idea.
We'll scrub the suit, then, shall we?
What about getting a 3-D model, a bit like that?
Perhaps that's what he looked like. Let's get on to the sergeant.
Hello, Sergeant. Yeah, it's Peters here.
Can you, uh... can you look out for a man who looks like a load of...?
Oh, bollocks!
Right, let's start again.
Please...
Please... (whimpers)
OK. Now...
- Please... - There.
That... is what l mean when l say a sheepish jaw, right?
Please don't do any more!
Visiontext Subtitles: Doreen Trenerry