(music on radio)
(turns off radio)
(thud)
Jesus Christ.
Oh, shit, shit! Sorry, sorry, sorry!
Jesus! Are you OK? Are you OK? Are you OK?
Are you all right?
Speak to me. Can you hear me? l can't help you if you don't talk to me.
Oh, right.
- Parlez-vous francais? - Oui.
- Ah. Ca va? - Ca va.
# Big Train
- So it's the big day, Martin. - Yeah.
How do you feel now about meeting your birth mother?
All sorts of things. l feel great, you know.
lt would have felt very wrong to have met her while my adoptive parents were alive,
but now they've gone...
So you're ready to meet your mum.
- OK. Julie, can you bring Diane in, please? - Yeah, sure.
Come in, Diane.
(deep gurgling noises)
Meet your mum, Diane.
- A lot of emotions. - Oh!
l know, l know.
Oh...
Oh, it's so lovely.
Oh!
- My mummy! - (belching noise)
lt makes it all worthwhile.
Judith, you might want to come and look at this.
- How do you turn the sound up on this? - Oh, yeah. l had it down a little bit.
(Smurf-like singing with ''boing'' noises)
So, in conclusion, these cakes really are selling extremely quickly.
They're selling like nobody's business. They're flying off the shelves.
Maybe it's because we warm them up first,
but they are being bought at a tremendous rate.
ln fact, l've never seen anything sell with such speed as these warmed-through cakes.
People are literally snapping up these cakes like, well, like they're going out of fashion.
Um, sorry. You could say they were selling like hot cakes.
That's as good a place as any to end the meeting, so thank you very much, Steve,
and thank you, everybody.
Peter, can l have a quick word?
Peter, l'm afraid l'm going to have to let you go.
You're... you're firing me?
- But why? - Because you're a smart aleck, Peter.
You can't help making glib remarks about cakes.
l'm afraid up here what counts is how you make cakes, not what you say about them.
Don't... Don't fire me, please.
l'm committed to cakes.
OK, it's clearly not working out for you in this division, so...
l'm prepared to give you another chance. l'm gonna move you to another section.
But l want you to cut out the smart remarks.
- OK? lt's down to you, Peter. - OK.
And so, to recap, this represents the vat of broth,
and these figures represent the broth makers, or cooks, if you will.
There's a lot of them.
And it's this surfeit of cooks that's having such a negative impact on the broth.
There's too many cooking staff, and it's ruining the product.
You'd think, wouldn't you, that having so many cooks would make it better,
but no, it's making it worse.
So, to put it in simple terms, the ratio of chefs to the amount of food being prepared
is proving detrimental to the broth.
Um...
You could say...
that you've bollocksed it up.
(siren)
(tunes up)
(# flamenco)
(tempo slows)
(tempo picks up)
(tempo slows)
- Good work, son. - Thank you.
Very good.
(squawking)
(man blows bird call)
- ls that a teal? - There's a flock of them.
- There, just over by that fallen tree. - Oh, yeah.
- There's six of them, isn't there? - Yeah, hang on.
- l'm gonna get that. - (rapid camera clicks)
Oi! What's going on here?!
What is going on here?
Come on, out!
l've told you before, haven't l? How many times have l told you before, eh?
How many times have l told you before?
This is a private sanctuary for ducks.
- Are you a duck? - No.
- Are you a duck?! - No.
Well, fuck off then! Come on, out! Come on, out!
Move yourself. Go on. Go on.
- Careful with the... - Go on, out!
- That's expensive. - Out!
- Don't push. - Out! Out! Out! Go on.
- (blows bird call) - Don't you quack at me!
Take that bloody thing with you as well.
Next time it won't be me. lt'll be the swans, right?
(softly) Watch it, watch it.
(men chuckling)
- (blows bird call) - (laughter)
- l don't think he heard you! - l don't think he heard anything!
- Hi. l'd like to buy a ball, please. - Sorry, sir. We don't sell balls.
Right.
Oh, hey, hang on...
We've got loads of balls.
(man) You may leave us, guard.
- How is the prisoner? - l am a man accustomed to injustice.
Have you thought more of our scheme?
lt is a plan not without danger, but this evil emperor must be overthrown.
We have an army of 20,000 men awaiting you.
l have certain demands.
Well, we will do everything in our power to see they're met.
l'll need fresh horses, food for several days.
lt shall be arranged.
Also, l have made a friend here.
Keith Emerson, from Emerson, Lake and Palmer.
He was sentenced for his part in the Thracian insurrection.
l wish to grant him his freedom.
What happened to Lake and Palmer?
Palmer was drowned in a lake.
Lake is a slave in Parma.
What a sorry fellow.
(prisoner) He says little. He communicates mainly through music.
- ls he a fighter? - The finest in all of Rome.
(growls)
(plays experimental rock)
As you can see, Keith's fascination with the more elaborate end of prog rock
has lumbered him with a vast array of keyboards.
- l need 200 mules for the journey. - 200 mules? lmpossible!
- Keith Emerson. - Yeah?
Do you agree to leave this place without your complete keyboard collection?
Perhaps you could take a single Yamaha DX7? Or the Moog synthesizer?
No.
Keith will not travel without his entire collection.
Such a journey is not possible without roadies.
The ELP roadies were sold into slavery in Crete.
- l need 200 mules. - Maximus, listen...
No! l will not leave without Keith and his entire keyboard collection.
- Maximus, l urge you to see reason. - Those are my conditions.
And, as usual, the usual terms and conditions apply to these conditions.
Very well. l cannot promise 200 mules, but l'll see what l can do.
(# prog rock)
Emerson, be quiet. l'm trying to think.
Did Markham contact you, James?
- Who? - Andrew Markham?
He wanted to show you a new film script, so l gave him your number. Hope you don't mind.
He's with Benton Hanratty at the moment, so he's feeling a bit frustrated.
- He did that great ad for oven chips. - Mm.
- Where they're dressed like Pan's People? - Yeah.
- Brilliant. - Oh, l read his treatment.
l kept thinking Lenny Henry.
Hm, l know what you mean, but l thought Neil Pearson.
Hm. He went in to see Big Pictures. You know, Biff Henderson's new company?
They offered him a deal, but l don't think he was very interested.
- Did he contact you? - Yes, he did.
What did you say to him?
l said the difference between Big Pictures and us is that we actually make films.
- He's terrible! - Yeah, l know.
(they carry on chattering)
(woman) Max, Max, look what l've found.
- ls something wrong, Max? - Take those clothes off at once!
But why? What have l done?
You must know my first wife was a Mexican bandido!
l... l...
Oh! Max!
Please... Please leave me.
Damn you!
You're still laughing now, even from the grave.
Aren't you, Pedro?
(chatter continues)
Hello. This is a friend from work. Jim.
- Hello, Jim. - Nick, a good friend of mine.
- We just saw Guy Ritchie outside. - Oh, yeah?
- He had two bodyguards with him. - ls that what they were?
- l saw Ralph Fiennes there the other week. - Well, they get their suits made round here.
- Shall l go t'bar? - Oh, yeah...
- l'll have a pint of best, please. - Best.
- Half for me, please. - Half for you.
- Great. So you work with Lenny? - Yeah, yeah.
- That thing you said about bodyguards. - Yeah?
Was that some sort of reference to me not being married?
Sorry?
Was that some kind of comment about me not being married?
No!
Cos if you say anything about me not being married again,
l'll put your fucking head through the wall!
- There we go. Little one for you. - Thank you.
Tell Nick about the... We were on a train at the weekend.
Well, you tell him. lt's a good story.
- Um... - You were on the train.
Yeah. Yeah, we were on the train. Um...
Yeah, we were in the carriage and there were a couple of kids kicking a can of Coke about...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, l know how this story ends.
- Yeah? - Ends with me not being married, doesn't it?
- What? - You think l don't know what you're saying?
Coke cans. Not Tango, Coke cans. You're talking about me not being married again.
No, l'm not! l'm...
Oh, is it just some sort of coincidence then that the kids are kicking a Coke can?
Not throwing, kicking. Marriage, Coke can, me not being married.
You won't let go of it will you? Are you mental?
No. No, l'm not having a go or...
l'm not afraid of you.
# l'm getting married in the morning
# Ding-dong, the bells are going to chime
(Lenny) That took long enough, didn't it?
l reckon Henman has a good chance in the French Open.
- l'm gonna go. - You what?
- l wanna go, l wanna go. - All right. All right, mate. l'll come with you.
(speaking in French)
Ah-ha, here we go. There's the spine.
- (heartbeat) - You can make out all the vertebrae.
l'm just going up to the head. Can you see the head just there?
- Um... - Yeah?
Van Morrison.
lt's got Van Morrison's face.
Can you turn it up a bit?
(Van Morrison) Jazz or R&B, but music. l'm about music.
l'm very, very sorry.
Well, that was, as ever, spectacular.
- So, how long is she away? - l don't know.
- She's your wife, James. - lt just depends how long the shoot is.
Voycek'll keep them in that godforsaken jungle for six months if he has to.
- You're a bastard, James. - (chuckles knowingly)
You're no Sue Barker yourself, are you?
- So, where does Alex think you are today? - At home.
He's got an appointment with the accountant.
lt looks like he might lose the Savile Row shop.
l always thought Alex was all mouth and trousers.
Now it would seem he's all mouth, without even the trousers.
Thank you. Thank you.
Now, there's a quote in your book from Naomi Woolf.
lt's not actually a quote from Naomi Woolf.
lt's something a friend said was like something Naomi Woolf might have said.
Right. So do you agree with the quote, or suggested quote,
to the effect that there's a gender bias in the media
which could be equated with discrimination against Afro-Americans in the 1 960s?
No. What l would say is that women are still not being listened to.
- Yes, but that's... - lf l may finish.
Yes, of course we have a platform in the media - l myself am a writer -
but as opinion-formers, we still have a very long way to go.
So do you think your opinions are valuable, as a woman?
- They're very important. - Think they're more emotional than logical?
- No, of course l don't. That's a silly remark. - Well, that's something...
- lt's an obvious observation. - Yeah, but could l just ask...
To me that's the kind of observation that was being made in the '80s...
- lf l could just ask... - (# piano intro)
# Why is a woman so illogical?
# While a man is rational and clear
# The feminine emotional response can be completely baffling, l fear
# You see, a man will solve a problem with a minimum of fuss
# A woman, on the other hand, is quite different from us
# She'll scream and shout and stamp her foot in quite an alarming fashion
# While men address a problem with a minimum of passion
- # Oh, why are they so infuriating? - We're not.
- # So utterly irrational? - But we're not.
- # So damnably emotional? - l refute that.
# So frustratingly impossible? So thoroughly unpredictable?
# So consistently maddening? So deliriously hysterical?
# Oh, why can't they just be more...
# Well, like a man?
lf that's the level of debate you're expecting to have,
then l really have nothing further to add. lt's quite ridiculous.
l rest my case.
Ah! Ah!
You like that? How about this? Oh!
l'll give you more later. l'll break you in gently.
Oh, my God! Ah!
- l think l'm gonna come. - Miaow.
- There we go. - Oh!
God, you are so good.
Well, l've never had any complaints.
- l'm exhausted. - Yeah, you would be.
- How long's your wife away? - l told you, l don't know.
- You didn't tell me. - Didn't l?
- No. - Well, l don't know.
l saw Alex and Jane this week.
She said that Alex was gonna have to shut the shop in Savile Row.
l thought Alex was all mouth and trousers.
Now it would seem he's mouth without even the trousers.
- That is so funny. - Yeah, l just thought of it now.
You said we could get away this weekend. Patrick will be in Zurich all week.
Well, l can't. l've got to go to LA to meet John Travolta.
l want him to be in the film. He loves Patrick's screenplay.
John Travolta? Wow.
Well, ''He's the one that l want Ooh, ooh, ooh, honey.''
Thanks.
(phone rings)
Ruth Jenson.
Oh, hello, Mr Robinson. Thanks for calling back.
l work at the Venus De Milo Health and Beauty Centre.
Your wife was in earlier today
and we think she might have spent longer than we'd usually recommend on our sun bed.
Well, she looks all right with a bit of blusher.
(in French)
- ls it locked? - Yes.
- lt's on you tonight. - All right.
(chatter/giggling)
- Straight to bed, l think, Mrs Jones. - l think so.
Don't need that, don't need that. Let's get in there.
- Oh. - What?
- Darling... - Shh!
Ah!
- lt's safe to talk now, l think. - l think so.
Visiontext Subtitles: Natasha Cohn