Excuse me. Have you heard of the Sumatran tiger?
- lt's that, is it? - Yeah. There's only 500 left.
- lt looks really dangerous. - They are dangerous.
That's why we're trying to get rid of them, cos they're so dangerous.
- l assumed you were going to save them. - God, no. We're going to drown them.
- Really? - We'll get an abandoned reservoir,
and then we're going to put them all in the reservoir,
and then fill up the reservoir with water.
- They look quite dangerous. - They are dangerous.
They shit everywhere, as well. They're getting on everyone's tits.
- So let's put a stop to it. - Fair enough.
- Do you want to help? - Yeah, what do l do?
- Sign the paper, that'd be great. - Yeah, no problem.
# Big Train
Halt!
No, thank you.
Sod off.
Be on.
(highwayman) You bastards.
Excuse me. Could you keep an eye on my baby for a second, while l run to the loo?
Thanks ever so much.
Hello, baby.
(voice) What are you doing here all on your own?
Haven't you got a wife?
Did you say something? Were you talking to me?
(voice) l'm going to get you.
Thank you so much. That's really kind.
Thanks. Bye.
(voice) l'm going to bite your legs.
Tosser.
- (man) Hello. - Hello.
l'm Den Davis.
Come on, you (bleep). Zoom in another 20 per cent, l want to see those Victorian waifs.
They're going to be badly out of focus. l can't zoom in any closer, Den.
Zoom in, (bleep).
- The camera won't take it. - Another 20 per cent. Come on!
All right, but it won't take it.
- What the (bleep)? - lt's snapped. lt couldn't take the strain.
You... You...
Den, you're trying 1 00 per cent enlargement. Nobody's gone beyond 70 before.
Don't (bleep) tell me what l can do with my (bleep) camera.
Den, you're working too hard. This is the 56th job today. Look at you.
You're popping pills like there's no tomorrow.
(Dyke) Ladies, leave us.
Now!
You've got to get a grip, Den.
You and Ken Morse were at the top of the rostrum camera game, everyone knew that.
But you've fallen off the ladder. lt's not the Sixties any more.
Anybody who doesn't know a rostrum camera from a Sky Digibox knows who Ken Morse is.
You mention that (bleep) name again, and l'll put your head through the (bleep) wall.
People say you're losing it, Den. That you're popping pills.
Drinking too much. Your marriage is in trouble.
Don't (bleep) bring Margaret into this, all right?
(Den) l asked you, where'd you put my (bleep) pills?
- Where'd you put 'em? - (woman sobbing)
Look what you've made me do.
You've gone from being Den Davis to Den Dildo. Take a sabbatical.
(bleep) off, Greg. My work's my life.
Do you see me lying on a beach somewhere getting a (bleep) suntan?
They're saying the same at Channel 4.
- (bleep) -a-doodle-doo. l'll go to lTV. - You're living in the past, Den.
Those (bleep) haven't made a documentary since The World At War.
Take a break. Come back in six months, you'll be a new man.
You (bleep) (bleep), Dyke. What do you know about documentaries?
- Your background's in sport. - Now, Den, that's enough.
- And lest we forget... - Den.
Roland (bleep) Rat.
You (bleep) balding, bearded (bleep).
No, Den. Not the face.
Get out. Get out of my office! You'll never work with the BBC again. Never!
Security. Security, this is Greg Dyke, the head of the BBC.
Hurry!
Do you want your photograph taken? Souvenir of your trip to London?
Uh, yes.
You do? All right.
What you need to do is lie down flat and keep still under my rostrum camera.
Come on. Come on, lay down.
One at a time, you stupid bitch. Go on, lie down.
Get down under. That's it, under. That's it.
ln the middle. How can l do it if you're not in the middle?
Now, let's get this down here... Keep still!
Hang on, let's spin it round.
That on the right... What you doing?
Keep still. l need you to...
What you doing?
- We're going to drown them, actually. - Good luck. Thank you. Yeah, drown them.
- Same with the Filipino tortoises. - Did you wipe them out?
- We bombed them. Got a couple of F-1 1 s. - Well done. You want money?
- lf you've got any change? - Yeah.
We're hit. Number two engine's on fire, Skip.
- Shut it down, then. - Shutting down.
She's not responding. We're losing fuel. We'll never make it home.
Come on, man. We're going to make it.
- ls now a good time, sir? - Oh, hello, Dobbsy.
- Oh, is this little James? - Yes, sir.
Just showing him where his dad works.
- Hello, James. - (explosion)
Have you ever been in a Lancaster before?
- Not one that's on a mission, sir. - We're gonna die!
We're gonna die, aren't we, Skip? Aren't we?
Put a lid on it, man. Come on, don't be shy. Have a look.
This might look like a lot of dials, but that's the fellow we keep our eye on. The altimeter.
- That's the one spinning round and round. - Oh, yes.
Bumpity-bump. Usually that stays constant at about 1 0,000 feet.
We're losing her. We're losing her. l don't want to die.
Come on, man. Pull yourself together.
Now, James. Have you given any thought to what you might do when you leave school?
- We're going down. - This is exciting, isn't it, James?
l'll say.
Right. So, skipper and copilot have bought it.
We're on our own in occupied France.
So, who should we try to contact?
- The Resistance? - That's right, James.
Hande hochl
That means, ''Hands up'', James.
Schnell. Schnelll
That means, ''Get a move on'', James.
- You all right? - Yeah, l'll just put it under here.
- Looks nasty. - Yeah.
You know me around blood.
Can you check if they've got a bandage in that first-aid thing over there?
No, there's nothing there.
l'm going to leave you to it. lt's making me feel sick.
OK. l'll just dab it with a tissue, or something like that. That's what it wants.
- Cut your finger? - Yeah.
- You should put a bandage on that. - There's no bandages in the thing.
That should be enough. Thank you.
You need some scissors to cut the thing.
There's no more bog roll.
Come on, David. Finish your egg.
But it's too hard. The soldiers won't go in.
- Use your spoon, you silly sausage. - Who's a silly sausage? Telegram, darling.
- Take your pick with these two. - What have l done?
You haven't finished your kipper for a start, young lady.
John? What is it?
- What on earth's happened? - Nothing. Nothing.
lt's about Billie, isn't it?
Yes. Yes, it is.
''Regret to inform you Billie no longer in top twenty. Stop.''
''Billie archrival Christina Aguilera set at number one. Stop.''
lt's from the Billie Piper fan club.
David, take your sister into the garden.
Come along, Debs. We can play on the swing.
Listen, John. lt still went top ten. l know you had high hopes for the single...
No.
Darling, l... l know what you're trying to do, but it's no use.
lt's always the same. They go in at number seven one week, they're out the next.
lt was the same with Whigfield, Debbie Gibson. Adam Rickitt.
One could go back as far as Brother Beyond and Big Fun.
lt won't be long before the record company drops her.
Don't, darling. Even if it is over for Billie, she's still married to Chris Evans.
She won't have to make hats like Sonia.
Oh, darling, don't you see? That's the worst of it.
She'll still be in the limelight, clinging to his arm at premieres and so on.
Creatively, she'll be finished.
- lt's like Patsy Kensit all over again. - But even Patsy makes the occasional film.
Does she? Does she really?
Look, darling. Why don't you go and have a lie down?
l'll call the bank and tell them you're not feeling too well.
You could always listen to Billie's first album.
Yes.
Yes, things always seem much brighter after you've heard...
(''Because We Want To'' by Billie on record player)
l'm so sorry, l'm afraid l don't speak French.
(dramatic music)
- Oh, sorry. - Excuse me.
Hello. Um, excuse me...
He always ignores me. Funny, these dos, aren't they?
Yeah, they are a bit funny. The people are nice, though.
- Specially the ladies. - That's what...
Jesus, these muppets aren't exactly on the ball with the drinks, are they?
- Hello, l'm... - Did you hear that speech?
- He's... He's behind you. - What?
- He's behind you. - Don't care if he's behind me. lt was boring.
Yattering on and on. At least when l make a speech, we get to the point.
Hey, stand up, speak up or shut up, hey?
- Hello. - Oh, hi.
l wondered if you'd like to join us.
- Thanks. Seem to get busier and busier. - l don't really know, l'm not...
- Excuse me, what were you saying? - What was l saying?
We were just talking about an orgy we might have later. Wonder if you'd fancy joining in?
l didn't know it was going to be one of those nights. All right.
That'll be good then. We've got the jacuzzi booked for 8.30, a little bit of sparkling...
(dramatic music)
- He's really got you. - What's it like?
- Looks like you. - Did you go to art school, Rob?
No. l've always liked drawing, but, you know.
- Right, it's finished. - Let's have a look.
- lt's great. Can l keep it? - Yeah, sure.
- Boss, boss, boss. - Morning, all.
- Settling in, Rob? Everything all right? - Yes.
- Could you get me Brian Stafford? - Yes.
Rob's a cartoonist. He's done one of Jeremy.
(Jeremy) Yeah, look.
You should do one of Paul.
- (Jeremy) Go on. lt won't take long. - All right.
But don't try and flatter me just cos l'm boss.
All right.
What's the secret, then, Rob?
Um... well, you've just got to try and get the essence of the person.
Just as simply as possible.
That's sort of it.
(sobs)
(child crying)
All right, mate? Hey, hey, hey. You OK?
What's up, then? You lost your mum?
Now, now! Hurry!
- Grab his arms. - Get his legs.
Take him to the caves.
Oh, my Christ, he's heavy.
- Another one to our collection. - Yeah.
- Oh, where am l? - You awake?
- l'm Toby, and this is Tasha. - Hi.
That... that boy. He trapped me.
ln the park? Yeah, that's how we ended up here.
We've been here two years now.
Two years?
- We've got to get out of here. - Well, yeah, but how?
They're kids. We grab the one with the key and knock him about till he gives us it.
- Hit a child? - Yes.
Christ knows what they've done to my leg. They've locked you up for years.
- A kicking's in order. - You obviously haven't got kids.
(Tasha) l could never hit a child.
Sod this.
- Toby, do something. - Want to see a porn mag?
- Yeah, brilliant. Ow! You're hurting me. - Gimme that key.
Right. You coming?
We think you're setting an appalling example.
- Oh, really? Well, sod you. - Where you going?
l see we do not understand each other after all.
As a reprisal for this man's action, every tenth one of you will be taken out and shooted.
Actually, Josh, it's ''taken out and shot''.
Don't correct him, Toby. You'll stifle him.
(dramatic music)
(boy) The police cause the riots. They come here with their lights,
get out the cars and start fighting.
(boy #2) lf they leave us alone, nothing will happen.
Just cos we, like, might dress a little bit, you know, brighter,
doesn't mean that we're different to you, or anyone else.
lf l want to go out and get a pint of milk, l should be allowed, without getting stopped.
lt is prejudice, because they're different.
People are always going to have a go at them. lt's a very sad side of human nature.
They do get a lot of hate mail, and some of it is very unsavoury.
This came through the letterbox on Monday.
And as you can see, it's a postcard.
And originally it just says, ''Come to the Tower of London''.
But somebody, and we think we know who,
who'll remain nameless, has written ''don't'' underneath.
So that is, ''Don't come to the Tower of London''.
l mean, it's filth.
- Specially as... - Who would do that?
(vicar) l wouldn't use the S-word, but don't poo on your own doorstep.
You know, you've already pooed on your own doorstep, don't go and poo on other people's.
- Death threats... - ''You'll be impaled on a spike.''
- Yes. - Horrible.
''Mary, Queen of Scots, Anne Boleyn, you'll be next.''
That was written on a small axe and block that came through.
What they thought was a dead raven came through the letterbox.
lt was actually a crow.
Some raven's muck, or crow's muck.
Some vegetarian burgers.
(dramatic music)
Both fighters have been showing great form lately.
Obviously, we're delighted Oliver's come to Britain to fight.
- Dave? - Yeah.
l'd like to ask Jenny, do you feel you've been pushed into this fight?
No, not really. l'm looking forward to the fight. l'm going to bash him up.
Could l add that this is entirely Jenny's own decision,
and lots of little girls these days play football, so why not box?
- (Dave) l see. Can l get a nose-to-nose? - Sure, don't see why not. Come on, Jenny.
You ain't gonna take me down.
(commentator) Martinez really seems to be feeling this. He's taken several body blows...
Martinez tiring now. She's really hammering him.
He's on the ropes. Surely this is it.
Martinez is down. Martinez is down.
The winner of tonight's bout is Jenny.
OK, darling. Let's get you bandaged up.
l really like Vegas, Mummy. When l've won the world title...
Now, listen, Jenny. Pay attention.
Mummy and Daddy don't want you to try as hard tonight as you normally do.
- But it's a title fight, Mummy. - l know that, Jenny.
lt's just that... Some men have offered Mummy and Daddy lots of money.
To buy you presents. But only if you're a very good girl.
- And take a dive, in the seventh. - l don't want to.
Don't start with me. lt might work with your father, but it doesn't with me.
Take a dive, that's an end to it.
- No. - Just do it, or l'll give you what for.
Just do as your mum says, Jen.
(commentator) Jenny powering in there with those trademark low blows.
Jenny!
Oh, good gracious, she is down. Unbelievable.
Where did that come from? That's incredible.
And so, ladies and gentlemen, that's the true story of why l never became world champ.
After all, l didn't want Mummy and Daddy to be beaten to death with baseball bats, did l?
And now, the moment you've all been waiting for. The strippers.
- Nice set, Jenny. - Yeah, yeah. Whatever.
(woman) Oh, come in, come in. l'm so glad you could make it. Have a seat.
This is Fiona, Chris, Derek, and you know Nick.
(man) We met at Tom's. l saw you recently.
l hope you weren't trying to avoid me cos you couldn't remember my name.
(dramatic music)
- l'm Colin, by the way. - Of course, Colin. Yes. Hi again.
Visiontext Subtitles: Paul Burns