- So, what's the idea behind this? - We've been looking at the world situation.
We'd like to draw attention to some things we think are important.
Hi, l'm here, l have a question. Aren't you worried about appearing foolish?
We may look foolish to you, but we think we look perfectly normal.
- What's your stance on Vietnam? - We think that the war is a genuine attempt
by the South Vietnamese government, with America, to combat communism.
- (all groan) - You can mumble all you like.
l don't think anybody here would swap their life for life under a communist dictatorship.
lsn't this just a cheap attempt at publicity?
Well, for a start, this hotel isn't cheap.
Do you also disagree with the use of hallucinogenics such as LSD?
We think that LSD is completely wrong.
- We wouldn't encourage... - What a pair of weirdos.
They're not weirdos. You just don't understand.
# Big Train
- He looks nice. - Oh, John? Yeah, he's lovely.
- ls he single? - Yes, l think he is.
- He's not gay, is he? - No.
And he's here on his own, too. Come on.
John, Sophie. Sophie, John.
- Hello. - Um...
Right, l'm off to sort the drinks out.
So, you're here on your own too?
(roars)
l... just need to go and get a refill.
l thought you said he wasn't gay.
(moans)
The grim business of the day begins, Mr Flint.
Aye, sir. Many men lost today in the field.
Lieutenant Fitzwilliam had his horse shot from under him. Both legs crushed.
Fine fellow. l met him and his wife at Buckminster last summer.
- Are you brave, soldier? - Aye, sir.
You may have to be. We ran out of whisky some time ago.
Do your worst, Dr Sanderson.
At least l shall fare better than poor young Johnny Fairfax.
l saw his body lying in the copse not three hours ago.
- This July 6 will live long in the memory. - lndeed, sir.
Begging your pardon, sir, does this date not hold some other significance for you, sir?
l don't...
Yes, Mr Dawson, you mean it is my birthday. l'd quite forgotten.
A celebration of such insignificance would seem out of place amidst the horror of battle.
- (nurse) Dr Sanderson? - Ah, nurse, uh, forgive me...
All right, lads! Go on girl!
(all sing ''The Stripper'')
(mumbles)
Wahey!
Hey-hey!
No, no, look, off you go. You...
Oh!
You monkeys.
Argh!
- lt's lovely here. - The food's good.
- Good. - Can l just say that
l think you've got really beautiful, soft hands.
Thank you.
- lt's a nice menu. - Yes.
l'm... l'm not very good at this.
What, ordering food?
No, l... l mean going on dates with men.
My family's quite religious, so l haven't got much experience with men.
lf it's any consolation, you're delightful company and l'm having a nice evening.
- Thank you. - l think l might have the duck.
- Philip, that man looks like George W Bush. - Who?
- That man there. - Hey, rude to point.
(tuts)
Jane, we've been going out for six months now and l think it might be time.
What do you mean?
Jane...
will you marry me?
Oh, Philip, yes, of course l will.
Let's try this on.
- There we go. - Philip, it's gorgeous.
Maybe now you might consider, you know, what we were talking about.
Philip, l've always said l'd rather wait until we were married.
- l just thought now we're engaged... - l know, but can you wait
until the wedding night? Please. l just want it to be special.
- OK. - Thanks.
Philip.
l think l'm ready.
God, you're beautiful.
- (Jane) Darling. - (music from ''Psycho'')
Come and do my back.
You may dress like an Arab, Lawrence, but may l remind you you're a British subject.
This plan you're proposing, you know my feelings about it. lt is preposterous.
- lt could lead you into great danger. - Let me show you something, Crawshaft.
What are you doing? That must be painful.
The trick, dear Crawshaft, is to control pain.
One can block out the sensation of burning flesh and feel nothing.
Lawrence, stop it.
Stop it, man!
Actually, that time l did feel a bit of tingling.
And that is my proposal. Now, l'm very confident that Dr Harmer is gonna like that.
OK, so, please, please, please, just let Dr Harmer have a look at it.
OK. This is how serious l am about this proposal, OK?
lf Dr Harmer reads it and doesn't like it, l'll kill myself.
You think l'm joking, don't you, but l'm not. l bought these yesterday.
These are cyanide capsules. Now, we've all seen this in the movies, you know,
the German, the Nazi, the leader - urgh! - you know, dies, whatever.
But this is real life and if Dr Harmer reads that and does not like it,
l will swallow one and be dead within seconds.
lf he does not like the proposal, l absolutely promise l will end my own life.
That's how confident l am that Dr Harmer is gonna like this proposal.
OK, let's up the stakes. Erskine.
l am so confident about this proposal that l am prepared to bet not only my life,
but someone else's as well.
What do you say, Erskine? Are you gonna join me?
There's no risk involved whatsoever, OK, cos l know he's gonna like it.
- l suppose so. - Thank you, thank you.
That's brilliant, but there's zero risk. All you have to do is show him the proposal, OK?
And l guarantee he will love it, OK?
Come on. Let's do this.
OK.
Great. Great. All right, l'm gonna go out there now.
You can have Dr Harmer in here, then you can all tell me just how much he loves it. OK?
So, anyone, who's good at opening champagne bottles?
This one, sorry.
No.
- What did he say? - He said no.
Really?
Well, l suppose in hindsight l could have...
it could have done with a bit more work, really, and, um...
some parts of it were... were weak.
Weak. So...
OK, um...
for you.
OK. Cheers.
(gasps)
(man) You know how it is - everyone's having a good time.
You're a young man with a good job and a bright future,
enjoying a nice time with your friends.
But things aren't always what they seem.
Sooner or later, talk can turn away from football and the pop scene,
and move on to darker subjects.
Subjects like buggery. You may have read about it in the newspapers.
Sometimes it's called other names, like ''hot love'', or ''making a ham sandwich''.
Some people may even tell you that it's fun.
Who knows, maybe one of your friends thinks it might be fun to bugger you.
ls Charlie's girlfriend really a girlfriend?
Or is she another man?
After all, you only met her that one time in Plymouth,
when the light in the discotheque was very poor. Oh, yes.
- Hast du Feuer? - Ja, komme ich.
(whispers) Stay still. Don't make a sound. OK? Sh.
(starts to sneeze)
(mouths words)
(yells) Bloody hell! Bollocks! Bollocks!
(quieter) Sorry. Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Pinch me. Pinch me. Pinch me. Pinch me. Tss...
(yells) Oh, what is the point? Bloody hell!
Atchoo!
Oh, for goodness' sake, it's just... Bloody, bloody, bloody, bloody hell! Bloody...
l-l-l-l... God!
l'll just get that handkerchief.
- lt's all right. l'll just be a sec. - No.
(blows loudly)
(blows loudly again)
(clicking)
Of all the beastly luck...
Complete pandemonium. Of course, it was then that dear Arthur Askey turned to me
and said, ''lt's all right, darling, if you ever play Richard lV, it'll come in very handy!''
Of course, you couldn't see that dear Arthur was clinging on to that chair for dear life.
Yes, he would have broken his bloody neck, wouldn't he?
But l would like to take this opportunity to say that it was wonderful working with you.
- And you, darling. - You're a very special lady.
Not only are you tremendous fun, but you're a marvellous actress with a heart of gold.
- Bless you, my darling. Thank you. - Bless you. Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen, John Winstanley.
Thank you, John. Well, after that success, you went on to star in the West End
in numerous plays and many films and television shows.
But there was a cloud on the horizon, when your husband Billy became seriously ill.
Billy developed a rare disease - Berlioz Syndrome.
The early symptoms resembled mild flu, but soon his brain shrunk to the size of an orange
and pus and mucus began to ooze out of his ears. Before long, cracks appeared in his skull.
Blood and membrane entered his digestive system.
Fluid congealed in his eye sockets, and he began to grow hair internally.
His finger and toenails fell out.
His armpits began to function at ten per cent of their previous capacity.
His nerve cells became entangled with the internal hair follicles,
while any erection was accompanied by excruciating and unbearable pain.
He was unable to satisfy you sexually.
He also developed lockjaw and the bones in his arms and legs liquefied.
He was unable to eat, drink, sweat, or defecate,
and steam pumped out of his face 24 hours a day.
Every one of his features merged.
The skin fell off his bones and crumpled on the floor.
Finally, in 1 962, the doctors were forced to reconstruct his entire body from catgut.
- But it wasn't all bad news. - That's right.
That was the year that l did my first sitcom with Junie Whitfield.
- This is very interesting. - Since we had these machines installed,
productivity in this factory has gone up, so we're very happy.
Really? And you print all sorts of things here, don't you?
Yes, we do. We look after all your printing needs.
- How many people do you employ here? - About 1 5 at the moment, in this unit.
- ln the town we're responsible for 50 or 60. - Do you have many European customers?
Yes, Scandinavia, particularly. Sweden. Denmark, you know.
Mm-hm. lt really is a great British success story.
Yes, it is.
l hope you've found the reduction in export duty helpful. Ow.
- Sorry, Minister. Are you OK? - Yes.
- l just hit you with this. - Right.
- Minister, l think we should move on. - OK. Right.
l'm just interested in this, because as a...
Ow! Ooh.
- l really think we should move on. - OK, we're running late?
No, it's just that Mr Purves is hitting you on the head.
Yes. Yes, of course.
OK, well, thank you so much for showing us round the factory.
- lt's been my pleasure. - lt's fasc... Ow!
Ow! Ow!
Ow!
Ow! Ow!
Ow!
- Right, thank you. - Thanks, John. Good to see you again.
- Shall we move on, Minister? - Yes, John, yeah.
(man) OK, guys, this is it. This is what we've trained for. 1 8 months, it's no game.
This is deadly serious. Anyone want to step out now, step out now.
Get the job done, get it done quick, clinical, clean.
OK.
Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Let the passengers off first.
Oh, hang on, is this East Finchley?
Guys! Guys!
We thought having a baby might help cement our relationship.
Well, as it stands at the moment, gay men can legally adopt,
but l'm afraid it's far from simple.
You'd have to first satisfy the authorities that you're able to look after a child
and fit to look after a child.
- We haven't been considering adoption. - That would be much further down the line.
Right, OK, in that case you must be thinking of surrogacy.
Um, again, that would be an option that would be very much a last resort.
We're still trying the usual methods.
- We make love all the time. - Yeah, uh...
We've tried every position, but we just can't seem to make a baby.
So we thought perhaps something along the lines of fertility treatment, or...
Right. Um...
Sorry, l don't quite, uh... underst...
Are you actually trying to conceive a child?
We're just frustrated that at this stage we... Despite making love all the time, we just...
Neither of us can manage to get pregnant.
But you're both men.
- Are you saying men can't be fathers? - l don't understand.
No, obviously, l mean, men can be fathers, but men can't, uh, get pregnant.
You know, l mean you... you don't have a womb.
Well..
We were thinking of turning the spare room into a room for the baby.
No, not a room, a womb.
Let me write it down for you.
- ''Womb.'' - What's that?
ls it, um... is it like a Womble?
l really don't think l'm going to be able to help you, l'm sorry.
(man tuts)
Oh, well. (clears throat)
We'll have to go elsewhere, then, l suppose.
Try the internet.
- Hello, sugar, did you have a nice time? - Yeah, we played pass the parcel.
Did you? You must be Lucy, then? Yeah, we're going to take you home? Come on then.
There we are, Lucy, number 33, that's right, isn't it?
Hi.
- Mr Vaughan? - Yeah, yeah. Hi, darling, good party?
Good-oh. Would you like to come in?
No.
Um, no, l won't, l've got Jessica in the car.
Hello, it's Sarah, isn't it?
- Yes, it is. - Oh, thanks so much for bringing her back.
Do you want to come in for a coffee? You can bring Jessica in.
No, thank you. Uh, we've... we've really got to... got to get back.
Are you sure?
- Yes, thanks. - OK. Another time.
Yes. OK. Bye.
- Bye. - Bye.
- See you.
Bill.
Come here.
Taste that. Taste it.
l think you've done it.
- ls this the sandwich? - Yeah.
- How long have you had it? - Must be about 30 minutes now.
David came up with it. We called straight away.
- Good. - (David) What are you doing?
We'll take it from here. ls this the bread board?
Yes, and that's the knife, but... Wait, you don't understand. A lot of work's gone into this.
(suited man) Don't worry about the sandwich.
Yes, but what happens now?
What are you...? Where are you taking it?
Where are you taking it? Answer my question! What are you gonna do with my sandwich?!
Yeah, obviously, l'm looking forward to it. l'm very excited about getting out there.
l'm obviously a bit nervous but at this stage l'm just looking forward to getting on with it.
- Best of luck, Kenny. - Thanks very much.
lt's very messy, there's a lot of blood, multiple stab wounds.
- Our man Tucker? - His wife hasn't seen him for a week, so...
- Best get someone round there. - Yes, sir.
Oh, look out, here comes the boss.
- Nice to keep me informed. - lt's been ten minutes...
Save it, Jeff.
Janet, this is Constable Atkins.
- Detective Sergeant Willoughby. - Nice to meet you.
(Janet's voice) He is gorgeous. l'd love to out with him.
l'd better get off.
He's really strong and handsome, and l'm just a weak, silly woman.
Multiple stab wounds. lt happened some time between midnight and three.
Urgh, they're horriblel Just look at the corner, just look at the corner.
- Right, OK, let's go inside. - l should warn you...
Jeff, l've seen a lot of dead bodies. This one's not gonna be any different. Let's go inside.
(Jeff) Name's Dick Vallence.
- lt's horriblel l'm gonna be sickl - (dramatic music)
Small-time crook, runs a... sorry, ran a garage in Muswell Hill.
His name came up during investigation into the Camberwell bank job.
- lt was Bethnal Green. - l think we're agreed it was the same outfit.
- No... - lt's the same outfit. Let's not quibble.
He's right. l got that completely wrong.
What am l doing as a detective sergeant? l haven't got a clue about crime.
Tea, sir? Ma'am?
He's a violent goon. He should have got ten years for that assault on Moorhead.
Oh, l'd love some chocolate with this tea. Lovely bar of Dairy Milk or a Creme Egg.
- Oh, Steve... - (music swells)
Ohhh...
Janet?
Yes, sorry, l slipped on the carpet.
- Can you get that sorted? Get a new one. - A new carpet?
Yes. Get a new carpet.
Don't you understand? lt's quite simple.
ln fact, that officer there can do it. Go on, off you go.
(cheeky music)
Oh, he's got a fantastic arse.
- We're gonna stake out Tucker's lockup. - l'm coming with you.
- No need. - lf Tucker's gonna show, l want to be there.
That's your prerogative, if you can't think of anything better to do on a Friday night.
(music from ''Big Train'' on TV)
(thunder)
Now is my greatest moment.
Now all my work shall be rewarded!
- (band starts playing) - Not yet, you fools.
- (band stops) - (wails)
lncrease the voltage, you scumbag.
(band starts playing)
# Ooh
# This must be, it has to be
# Pure
# Let's make this pure
- # Do you mean it? - # Yes, l do
- # Then let's sing it - # Certainly
# But first clear your hearts and cleanse your souls
- # A love... - # Let's try and, let's try and, let's try and...
- # (all) Let's make this precious - # Precious
# Let's make this precious
# Sing me a record that cries pure and true
# Like this one
# Not those guitars, they're too noisy and crude
# He's singing
# The kind that convinces, refuses to leave
The peasantry is not represented by New Labour.
l've been created from scraps and l'm furious.
Mel C is the most talented Spice Girl.
l've been searching for my contact lenses everywhere. l just can't find them.
Visiontext Subtitles: Abigail Smith