1 00:00:01,167 --> 00:00:05,877 Okay, stand by, everybody. Tangos One and Two have now entered the Arrivals Hall. 2 00:00:05,967 --> 00:00:09,642 -Which has the case, please? -Tango One has the case at this stage. 3 00:00:09,727 --> 00:00:12,525 Right, hold on Tango One, then, please. 4 00:00:13,207 --> 00:00:17,280 Oh, there's been a changeover. Tango One has passed the case to Tango Two. 5 00:00:17,807 --> 00:00:20,321 And Tango Two doesn't want it, he's given it back. 6 00:00:20,407 --> 00:00:22,125 What? Are you sure that is Tango Two? 7 00:00:22,207 --> 00:00:24,721 Well, I thought it was Tango Two. Whoever he is, he didn't… 8 00:00:24,807 --> 00:00:27,082 Oh, no, it's Tango Two all right. He just doesn't want the case. 9 00:00:27,167 --> 00:00:28,964 Well, neither of them wants the case now. 10 00:00:29,047 --> 00:00:31,402 -Well, who has the case? -Tango One. 11 00:00:31,487 --> 00:00:33,717 Well, they're looking around now. 12 00:00:33,807 --> 00:00:36,116 I think they may… 13 00:00:36,207 --> 00:00:39,597 They may just be beginning to get a little bit suspicious now. 14 00:00:40,647 --> 00:00:43,400 I think they may have sensed the camera. 15 00:00:43,487 --> 00:00:46,843 -Have they rumbled our position? -I think they've rumbled our position. 16 00:00:46,927 --> 00:00:49,839 Well, pull out, pull out. All units, trouser, trouser, trouser. 17 00:00:49,927 --> 00:00:52,964 All units, trouser, trouser, trouser. Pull out. 18 00:01:05,087 --> 00:01:09,558 Anyway, the hire car was absolutely ready and waiting when we arrived at Heraklion airport. 19 00:01:09,647 --> 00:01:12,081 We'd done a deal with Hertz, through Amex, 20 00:01:12,167 --> 00:01:16,638 which meant we were able to upgrade the category without paying the extra price differential. 21 00:01:17,327 --> 00:01:20,603 This is one of the Hertz girl, Tonya, with the car. 22 00:01:20,687 --> 00:01:24,282 It's a Renault Mountaineer, specially designed for the Cretan terrain. 23 00:01:24,367 --> 00:01:26,517 Handles beautifully, we were very pleased with the colour. 24 00:01:26,607 --> 00:01:28,086 Were you, by crikey. 25 00:01:29,447 --> 00:01:32,996 Anyway, I'd studied the map of the roads from Heraklion while having lunch on the plane. 26 00:01:33,087 --> 00:01:37,126 -Did I tell you about lunch on the plane? -In some detail, as a matter of fact. 27 00:01:37,207 --> 00:01:39,437 Oh, look, here's another one of the lunch tray. 28 00:01:39,527 --> 00:01:42,485 I don't know how that got in there, must have muddled up the order somehow. 29 00:01:42,567 --> 00:01:45,320 I've been sucked into the deepest pit of hell. 30 00:01:45,407 --> 00:01:49,480 Oh, look. And here's one of the Renault's instrument panel. 31 00:01:49,567 --> 00:01:50,966 Uniquely fascinating. 32 00:01:51,047 --> 00:01:56,758 That's the left-hand control stalk with main beam, wipe wash and hooter on it. 33 00:01:57,367 --> 00:01:58,766 Oh, that's interesting! 34 00:01:59,847 --> 00:02:02,998 And here's one of the right-hand control stalk with indicators and so forth. 35 00:02:03,087 --> 00:02:05,362 Oh, I think this is gonna give me an erection. 36 00:02:06,407 --> 00:02:09,797 Anyway, so we skirted round Souda Bay via Thalakos. 37 00:02:10,087 --> 00:02:12,885 I discovered this marvellous little off-the-beaten-track taverna. 38 00:02:14,247 --> 00:02:16,715 It really was so authentic. Everyone there spoke… 39 00:02:16,807 --> 00:02:18,843 -Really, you should have been there. -Oh, no. I shouldn't. 40 00:02:18,927 --> 00:02:20,360 No, I shouldn't have been there. No. 41 00:02:20,447 --> 00:02:25,601 -This is one of me pointing at my moussaka. -Oh, wait a second, isn't that a revolting sight? 42 00:02:26,487 --> 00:02:29,559 And this is one of me on the toilet half an hour later. 43 00:02:29,647 --> 00:02:31,080 I used a self-timer for that one 44 00:02:31,167 --> 00:02:33,078 because the whole new Minolta range have got self-timers. 45 00:02:33,167 --> 00:02:35,522 Self-timers? Oh, well, then I must leave at once. 46 00:02:35,607 --> 00:02:38,075 I discovered this marvellous little man in Hadia 47 00:02:38,167 --> 00:02:40,965 who developed film the traditional Cretan way. 48 00:02:41,487 --> 00:02:44,365 Nikos his name was, or Costas. Could have been Andreas. 49 00:02:44,447 --> 00:02:47,325 Oh, but I must find out. Which? Which was his name? 50 00:02:47,767 --> 00:02:51,999 -This is him on the toilet. -Go away! 51 00:02:55,287 --> 00:02:59,997 Right. Well, you touch my daughter again and it'll be a slide show. You understand? 52 00:03:04,567 --> 00:03:06,717 -Hello. Both just got time to tell you… -Just. 53 00:03:06,807 --> 00:03:11,244 Just got time, yes. We both, well, we both used to have problems around here, didn't we? 54 00:03:11,327 --> 00:03:13,443 -Just around the eye area. -Certainly did. 55 00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,483 -Just there. -And this area as well. 56 00:03:15,567 --> 00:03:17,444 -Here and round there. -That's right. It was awful. 57 00:03:17,527 --> 00:03:19,563 Our eyes just kept coming out, didn't they? 58 00:03:19,647 --> 00:03:24,198 -Couldn't keep them in. It was horrible. -Ghastly. Now, thankfully, it's all cleared up. 59 00:03:24,287 --> 00:03:26,243 -It's stopped happening, hasn't it? -Effectively, yes. 60 00:03:26,327 --> 00:03:29,683 Yes, yes, they don't fall out anymore and we're pleased about that, aren't we? 61 00:03:29,767 --> 00:03:31,200 -Delighted. Yes. -Hmm. 62 00:03:34,247 --> 00:03:37,796 -Officer! -Good morning, sir. Would you like to take a seat? 63 00:03:38,287 --> 00:03:41,518 -Is there a queue? -Well, you may be more comfortable that way. 64 00:03:41,607 --> 00:03:43,199 No. I'm all right standing up, thanks. 65 00:03:43,287 --> 00:03:45,755 My name's Oliver, by the way. Excited to know you. 66 00:03:45,847 --> 00:03:49,920 -Oh, Peter Franks. -Hi, Peter. Peter, listen would you like a coffee? 67 00:03:50,007 --> 00:03:53,238 Filter, espresso, cappuccino. We offer decaf on all of those. 68 00:03:53,327 --> 00:03:55,761 Well, that's very kind. Do you have a tea? 69 00:03:55,847 --> 00:04:01,240 Tea… I don't think so, Peter. I'll just check that for you. Hello, Mabel, my love. 70 00:04:01,327 --> 00:04:04,399 It's Oliver here. Listen, my darling, do we carry a tea machine? 71 00:04:04,487 --> 00:04:07,365 -Sorry, dear. -Yes, I thought not. Many thanks, pet. 72 00:04:07,447 --> 00:04:10,280 -Sorry, Peter, no tea. -Oh, doesn't matter. Don't worry. 73 00:04:10,367 --> 00:04:15,282 -So, how may we help you? -Well, this is a police station, isn't it? 74 00:04:15,367 --> 00:04:18,484 -Well, of course it is, Peter. Yes. -Yes. 'Cause I tried to ring you earlier 75 00:04:18,567 --> 00:04:21,843 but you must have changed your number, all I got was music playing in my ear. 76 00:04:21,927 --> 00:04:23,440 The thing is, my car's been stolen. 77 00:04:23,527 --> 00:04:25,165 -Your car's been stolen? -Yes. 78 00:04:25,247 --> 00:04:28,956 Oh, Peter, I am sorry to hear that. 79 00:04:29,047 --> 00:04:32,278 Aw. And you'd like us to do something about it? 80 00:04:32,367 --> 00:04:33,595 Well, yes, please. 81 00:04:33,687 --> 00:04:37,521 Okay, well, have you had a look at our brochure, Peter? If you'll pardon the pun. 82 00:04:37,607 --> 00:04:38,926 What pun? 83 00:04:39,007 --> 00:04:42,443 Wasn't there one? Oh, I'm sorry. Well, Peter, if you'd like to come with me, 84 00:04:42,527 --> 00:04:45,678 we'll go through it together. Would you like to take a seat? 85 00:04:45,767 --> 00:04:51,000 Now, Peter, we offer basically three kinds of stolen car recovery service. 86 00:04:51,087 --> 00:04:53,840 That's the super, the lovely and the gorgeous. 87 00:04:53,927 --> 00:04:57,636 Now, the super is a basic non-priority listing of your car. 88 00:04:57,727 --> 00:05:03,006 The lovely is higher priority, and the gorgeous is A1 top priority. 89 00:05:03,087 --> 00:05:08,207 We put all our team onto it, field and creative. And that also includes a full waxing and valeting 90 00:05:08,287 --> 00:05:10,437 -of your car on recovery. -I see. 91 00:05:10,527 --> 00:05:14,042 Obviously, Peter, the gorgeous is a more expensive service. 92 00:05:14,127 --> 00:05:16,766 -I beg your pardon? -Do you have an account with us? 93 00:05:16,887 --> 00:05:20,004 -Account? No. -Oh, you're a shareholder, perhaps? 94 00:05:20,127 --> 00:05:24,245 -Well, I'm a citizen, if that's what you mean. -Citizen. Oh, you mean client? 95 00:05:24,327 --> 00:05:28,684 Look, I don't want to sound stupid, but I get back to England, I find my car's been stolen… 96 00:05:28,767 --> 00:05:33,522 Peter, you've been away? Did you perhaps miss the privatisation of the police force? 97 00:05:33,607 --> 00:05:37,805 -The what? -This is now a branch office of Brit Law PLC. 98 00:05:37,887 --> 00:05:42,165 -Would you like to fill out a form? -Fill out a form? Fill out a form? 99 00:05:42,247 --> 00:05:45,478 You mean fill in a form. Has everyone suddenly turned American? 100 00:05:45,567 --> 00:05:49,958 Now, Peter I shall need your address, I shall need your place and date of birth, 101 00:05:50,047 --> 00:05:54,643 your car registration number, and we should be able to have an account verified within 14 days. 102 00:05:54,727 --> 00:05:57,719 -Subject to status. -This is insanity. I'm a taxpayer. 103 00:05:57,807 --> 00:06:00,765 Peter, everybody had a chance to buy shares at the time of issue. 104 00:06:00,847 --> 00:06:05,875 It was all supervised by a reputable merchant bank. Well, by a merchant bank anyway. 105 00:06:05,967 --> 00:06:09,323 -This is madness. I'm leaving. -No, Peter. Not that way. Not that way, Peter. 106 00:06:09,407 --> 00:06:11,159 -What? -That's the High Street. 107 00:06:11,247 --> 00:06:14,444 -Yes? -The High Street is owned by UK Highroads PLC. 108 00:06:14,527 --> 00:06:16,961 We're employed by them to make sure that only those 109 00:06:17,047 --> 00:06:19,322 with valid roadway passes use the street. 110 00:06:19,407 --> 00:06:22,046 But that's the Queen's highway for goodness sake, surely I can use that. 111 00:06:22,127 --> 00:06:25,722 Queen's…? Oh, you have shares in the Royal Family PLC. That would be quite sufficient. 112 00:06:25,807 --> 00:06:27,604 Shares in the… No, of course I haven't. 113 00:06:27,687 --> 00:06:30,565 Well, Peter, I'm afraid I must ask you to come with me to the restraining bar. 114 00:06:30,647 --> 00:06:33,400 Now, if you'd just like to put your hands on the detention knob. 115 00:06:33,487 --> 00:06:36,206 -But I haven't done anything. -Not the gold member cuffs for you. 116 00:06:36,287 --> 00:06:38,118 I'm afraid we'll have to use the bronze, Master Peter. 117 00:06:38,207 --> 00:06:40,402 -No, no. Absolutely… no. No, I refuse. No. -Now, Peter. Peter. 118 00:06:40,487 --> 00:06:42,239 -Peter? -What? 119 00:06:44,207 --> 00:06:45,686 Well, you haven't changed that much, then. 120 00:06:46,567 --> 00:06:50,606 Welcome to Argue the Toss. My tosser this week is Simon Clituris. 121 00:06:50,687 --> 00:06:53,485 Simon Clituris, you saw that sketch. What did you think? 122 00:06:53,567 --> 00:06:56,798 -Well, I thought the sketch worked on two levels. -Only two? 123 00:06:57,167 --> 00:07:01,240 Ah. Yes, you're right. I'm being simplistic. I thought it worked on nine levels. 124 00:07:01,327 --> 00:07:05,684 -I thought I spotted 12. -Yes, yes. Well, yes, 12 if you include the… 125 00:07:05,767 --> 00:07:07,837 But, for heaven's sake, let's be condescending about this. 126 00:07:07,927 --> 00:07:09,997 -Absolutely. -I thought it worked, on the one hand, 127 00:07:10,087 --> 00:07:11,805 as a simple satire on modern Britain. 128 00:07:11,887 --> 00:07:14,355 And on the other hand, as a metaphor for the problem of redemption. 129 00:07:14,447 --> 00:07:16,563 -What about the underlying theme? -Ah. Which one? 130 00:07:16,647 --> 00:07:19,719 Well, the underlying theme of a man desperately trying to recover his stolen car. 131 00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:23,641 Well, that I thought was the least successful of all the underlying themes. It didn't work for me. 132 00:07:23,727 --> 00:07:25,957 -That's where the sketch really just disappeared. -Simply vanished? 133 00:07:26,047 --> 00:07:27,799 -Completely vanished. -I see. And the main characters? 134 00:07:27,887 --> 00:07:30,765 Well, I felt I didn't know enough about them. I was reminded of those occasions 135 00:07:30,847 --> 00:07:33,441 when one is asked to sleep with someone one doesn't know particularly well. 136 00:07:33,527 --> 00:07:36,200 Consequently, I was nervous and the whole thing was a disappointment. 137 00:07:36,287 --> 00:07:37,436 -In a word. -Brilliant. 138 00:07:37,527 --> 00:07:39,006 Simon Clituris, thank you very much. 139 00:07:39,127 --> 00:07:42,802 Welcome to Up the Arts. Martin Utrecht, you saw those critics there. 140 00:07:42,927 --> 00:07:45,839 -Were you impressed by what they had to say? -Let me say that it seems to me 141 00:07:45,927 --> 00:07:48,157 that what they were trying to achieve was essentially two-fold. 142 00:07:48,247 --> 00:07:51,637 I don't think it would be quite fair to judge them on that small extract we just saw. 143 00:07:51,727 --> 00:07:54,036 Good. So what was your judgement of the small extract we just saw? 144 00:07:54,127 --> 00:07:58,518 Well, it seems to me that they were trying to assess a comedy sketch, a humouresque routine… 145 00:07:58,607 --> 00:08:01,075 Did that work for you? For me, there was something about their criticism 146 00:08:01,167 --> 00:08:02,964 that was, I don't know, what's the word? Sterile? 147 00:08:03,047 --> 00:08:07,086 I was going to say fertile. Hardly different. No, I have to say it didn't work for me, no. 148 00:08:07,167 --> 00:08:09,397 I think, on the one hand, they were trying to encompass too much. 149 00:08:09,487 --> 00:08:10,636 They were overambitious. 150 00:08:10,727 --> 00:08:12,957 I was going to say overcautious. Yes. Hardly different. 151 00:08:13,047 --> 00:08:17,120 And, on the other hand, they were trying to present themselves as viable human beings 152 00:08:17,207 --> 00:08:20,165 -attempting to make sense of their… of their, um… -Environment? 153 00:08:20,247 --> 00:08:22,203 I was going to say trousers. Hardly different. 154 00:08:22,287 --> 00:08:24,755 Trousers, environment. Environment, trousers. It's a kind of square. 155 00:08:24,847 --> 00:08:28,283 I was gonna say circle. Much the same thing. And on the other hand… 156 00:08:28,367 --> 00:08:30,005 Ah, you've got three hands. 157 00:08:30,087 --> 00:08:32,806 -I've got three hands… -They, of course, were doing a two-hander. 158 00:08:32,887 --> 00:08:36,402 Would they have benefited from an extra hand? Would that have come in… useful? 159 00:08:36,487 --> 00:08:38,762 I feel with an extra hand, they might just have got away with it. 160 00:08:38,847 --> 00:08:40,360 Did you enjoy their criticism? 161 00:08:40,447 --> 00:08:44,122 Oh, I loved it. I wanted to go to bed with it and kiss it in many soft, private, little places. 162 00:08:44,207 --> 00:08:46,036 So their future as critics, bulbous, would you say? 163 00:08:46,136 --> 00:08:47,736 Yes, perineal. The exact word. 164 00:08:47,927 --> 00:08:49,565 -So we're agreed? -Of course not. 165 00:08:50,407 --> 00:08:52,921 Hello, welcome to Oh, No, Not Another One. 166 00:08:55,207 --> 00:09:00,759 Of all the deodorants, this is the one that I enjoy using most. 167 00:09:00,847 --> 00:09:05,318 It feels real nice going on and it smells good 168 00:09:05,407 --> 00:09:07,125 and keeps me dry all day. 169 00:09:07,207 --> 00:09:11,246 I don't have to worry about it cutting out in clutch moments. 170 00:09:11,327 --> 00:09:13,522 All of the other ones are just… 171 00:09:13,607 --> 00:09:17,043 I don't know. They just never seem to hold up under pressure for me. 172 00:09:17,127 --> 00:09:20,881 I can put this on once during the day 173 00:09:20,967 --> 00:09:24,198 and for the rest of the day I'm fine, I'm all set up. 174 00:09:24,727 --> 00:09:28,561 I don't have to worry about, you know, social nervousness or anything. 175 00:09:28,647 --> 00:09:34,961 It's just… It keeps me feeling good and fresh and I love the smell. 176 00:09:36,167 --> 00:09:39,603 I don't think there's any deodorant that comes close to this one. 177 00:09:42,567 --> 00:09:46,196 I think it was Donald Mainstock, the great amateur squash player, 178 00:09:46,287 --> 00:09:48,118 who pointed out how lovely I was. 179 00:09:48,207 --> 00:09:49,879 Until that time, I think it was safe to say 180 00:09:49,967 --> 00:09:53,118 that I had never really been aware of my own timeless brand of loveliness. 181 00:09:53,207 --> 00:09:55,277 But his words smote me because, of course you see, 182 00:09:55,367 --> 00:09:58,962 I am lovely in a fluffy moist kind of a way and who would have it otherwise? 183 00:09:59,047 --> 00:10:00,878 I walk, let's be splendid about this, 184 00:10:00,967 --> 00:10:05,358 in a lightly accented cloud of gorgeousness that isn't far short of being, quite simply, terrific. 185 00:10:05,487 --> 00:10:09,446 The secret of smooth almost shiny loveliness of the order of which we're discussing 186 00:10:09,527 --> 00:10:11,916 in this simple, frank, creamy soft way 187 00:10:12,007 --> 00:10:17,035 doesn't reside in oils, unguents, balms, ointments, creams, astringents, milks, moisturisers, 188 00:10:17,127 --> 00:10:21,484 liniments, lubricants, embrocations or balsams, to be rather divine for just one noble moment. 189 00:10:21,927 --> 00:10:27,206 It resides, and I mean this in a pink, slightly special way, in one's attitude of mind. 190 00:10:27,287 --> 00:10:30,643 To be gorgeous and high and true and fine and fluffy and moist and sticky and lovely, 191 00:10:30,727 --> 00:10:34,163 all you have to do is to believe that one is gorgeous and high and true and fine and fluffy 192 00:10:34,247 --> 00:10:35,475 and moist and sticky and lovely. 193 00:10:35,567 --> 00:10:39,116 And I believe it of myself, tremulously at first, and then with mounting heat and passion 194 00:10:39,207 --> 00:10:42,882 because, stopping off for a second to be super again, I'm so often told it. 195 00:10:43,327 --> 00:10:44,999 That's the secret really. 196 00:10:55,167 --> 00:10:56,316 Waiter. 197 00:10:56,807 --> 00:10:59,275 -Sir? -There's something wrong with my soup. 198 00:10:59,367 --> 00:11:01,881 Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir. It looks very smart to me. 199 00:11:01,967 --> 00:11:03,082 What? 200 00:11:04,367 --> 00:11:05,846 Nice pinstripe. 201 00:11:05,927 --> 00:11:08,521 No, no. No, my soup. There's something wrong with my soup. 202 00:11:08,607 --> 00:11:10,643 Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I thought you said suit. 203 00:11:10,727 --> 00:11:14,117 It, um, tastes… odd, somehow. 204 00:11:14,207 --> 00:11:15,686 -What does? -My soup. 205 00:11:15,767 --> 00:11:16,882 -Does it? -Hmm. 206 00:11:16,967 --> 00:11:18,286 -May I, sir? -Please do. 207 00:11:18,367 --> 00:11:19,595 Thank you. 208 00:11:22,727 --> 00:11:26,197 -Seems all right to me. -No. No, my soup. My soup tastes odd. 209 00:11:26,287 --> 00:11:27,640 -Oh, your soup! -Yes. 210 00:11:27,727 --> 00:11:28,921 -Oh, dear! -Taste it. 211 00:11:29,007 --> 00:11:30,679 I just have, sir. 212 00:11:30,767 --> 00:11:33,725 Not my suit. I want you to try my soup. 213 00:11:33,807 --> 00:11:35,684 Oh, I'd rather not if you don't mind, sir. 214 00:11:35,767 --> 00:11:37,723 -Why not? -Probably too long in the arms. 215 00:11:37,807 --> 00:11:40,367 No, no, no. What's the matter with you? 216 00:11:40,447 --> 00:11:42,199 I'm talking about my soup. 217 00:11:42,287 --> 00:11:43,845 S-O-U-P. 218 00:11:43,927 --> 00:11:45,519 -Oh, your soup! -Yes! 219 00:11:45,607 --> 00:11:48,075 -Is there something wrong with it, sir? -Well, I've told you. It tastes odd. 220 00:11:48,167 --> 00:11:49,566 -Well, may I, sir? -Please. 221 00:11:49,647 --> 00:11:51,160 Thank you so much. 222 00:11:54,287 --> 00:11:56,437 -Ah, yes. -“Ah, yes” what? 223 00:11:56,807 --> 00:11:58,445 It's the cyanide, sir. 224 00:11:58,527 --> 00:11:59,960 I beg your pardon? 225 00:12:00,047 --> 00:12:04,006 Chef does occasionally, in my opinion, tend to overstress the cyanide in his pottage. 226 00:12:04,967 --> 00:12:08,323 Are you telling me that the chef has put cyanide in the soup? 227 00:12:08,407 --> 00:12:11,046 No, sir, he's put cyanide in the soup. 228 00:12:12,847 --> 00:12:15,964 -That's what I said. -Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I thought you said suit. 229 00:12:16,047 --> 00:12:17,639 This is outrageous! 230 00:12:17,727 --> 00:12:19,957 Would you like me to bring you some soup without cyanide in it, sir? 231 00:12:20,047 --> 00:12:23,005 -Yeah. No, I mean… -Or perhaps something else from the menu? 232 00:12:23,087 --> 00:12:26,762 Well, why? Why has the chef put cyanide in the soup? 233 00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:28,565 He has a club foot, sir. 234 00:12:29,167 --> 00:12:31,283 -What? -The chef has a club foot. 235 00:12:31,367 --> 00:12:35,963 Well, I've got a bent nose but I don't go around massacring perfectly innocent diners. 236 00:12:36,047 --> 00:12:39,244 -There's no cyanide in the mozzarella salad, sir. -Oh, yippee. 237 00:12:39,327 --> 00:12:41,887 Just a hint of strychnine but not so as you'd notice. 238 00:12:41,967 --> 00:12:43,525 Oh, this is absurd. 239 00:12:43,607 --> 00:12:45,723 You're right. It is completely ridiculous. 240 00:12:45,807 --> 00:12:48,446 Well, would you like to be a comedy writer? 241 00:12:52,047 --> 00:12:57,201 What's happened is that we've deliberately left this sketch without a tagging punch line. 242 00:12:57,287 --> 00:12:59,357 Or ending, as we call it in the trade. 243 00:12:59,447 --> 00:13:01,722 That's right. Now, that's where you come in. 244 00:13:01,807 --> 00:13:07,120 The lines are now open for you to phone in your payoff to this hilarious skitlet. 245 00:13:07,527 --> 00:13:11,486 But just as an added difficulty, we're not actually going to give you the telephone number to ring. 246 00:13:11,567 --> 00:13:13,956 No, that's right. You have to use your skill and judgement 247 00:13:14,047 --> 00:13:17,323 to think up a witty, apt and amusing telephone number of your own. 248 00:13:17,407 --> 00:13:21,116 And if British Telecom think it's funny enough, they'll put you through to our switchboard here. 249 00:13:22,847 --> 00:13:24,121 Hello. 250 00:13:26,287 --> 00:13:30,166 And we have a clear winner straightaway. Mr JD Ward of Basildon. 251 00:13:30,247 --> 00:13:32,556 Well, well done, JD Ward. 252 00:13:32,647 --> 00:13:34,922 If you'll be so kind as to let us know your chest size, 253 00:13:35,007 --> 00:13:39,159 we'll send you a A Bit of Fry & Laurie chequebook and pen straightaway. 254 00:13:40,047 --> 00:13:42,800 -Well, let's go back to where we were, then. -Right. 255 00:13:42,887 --> 00:13:44,081 Oh, this is absurd. 256 00:13:44,167 --> 00:13:46,044 You're right. It is completely ridiculous. 257 00:13:46,127 --> 00:13:49,039 The brown soup has no cyanide in it whatsoever, sir. 258 00:13:49,127 --> 00:13:50,560 -The brown soup? -That's right, sir. 259 00:13:50,647 --> 00:13:53,161 No toxics, radioactive particles or microbes of any description? 260 00:13:53,247 --> 00:13:54,362 Not a drop, sir. 261 00:13:54,447 --> 00:13:56,438 -I'll have some of that, then. -Right you are, sir. 262 00:13:56,527 --> 00:13:57,846 Honestly. 263 00:14:00,647 --> 00:14:02,558 Nice one, JD. 264 00:14:06,567 --> 00:14:08,000 Now, ladies and gentlemen, 265 00:14:08,087 --> 00:14:12,319 Mr Hugh Laurie has kindly agreed to embarrass us all with a song of his own composing 266 00:14:12,407 --> 00:14:14,841 entitled, quite simply, Mystery. 267 00:14:14,927 --> 00:14:16,963 Mr Hugh Laurie. Mystery. 268 00:14:23,127 --> 00:14:25,402 ♫ Mystery 269 00:14:26,847 --> 00:14:30,726 ♫ All my life has been a mystery 270 00:14:32,327 --> 00:14:36,718 ♫ You and I were never ever meant to be 271 00:14:39,047 --> 00:14:43,677 ♫ That's why I call my love for you a mystery 272 00:14:48,127 --> 00:14:50,163 ♫ Different country 273 00:14:51,407 --> 00:14:56,117 ♫ You and I have always lived in a different country 274 00:14:56,967 --> 00:15:01,518 ♫ And I know that airline tickets don't grow on a tree 275 00:15:04,327 --> 00:15:08,115 ♫ So what kept us apart is plain for me to see 276 00:15:09,167 --> 00:15:12,955 ♫ That much at least is not really a mystery 277 00:15:17,367 --> 00:15:19,358 ♫ Estuary 278 00:15:21,967 --> 00:15:25,642 ♫ I live in a houseboat on an estuary 279 00:15:27,367 --> 00:15:32,600 ♫ Which is handy for my work with the Thames Water Authority 280 00:15:35,247 --> 00:15:40,321 ♫ But I know you would have found it insanitary 281 00:15:41,487 --> 00:15:43,557 ♫ Insanitary 282 00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:49,399 ♫ Taken a violent dislike to me 283 00:15:49,687 --> 00:15:54,317 ♫ I'd be foolish to ignore the possibility 284 00:15:55,007 --> 00:15:59,205 ♫ That if we'd ever actually met you might have hated me 285 00:16:00,047 --> 00:16:05,519 ♫ Still, that's not the only problem that I can see 286 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:10,879 ♫ Dead since 1973 287 00:16:13,727 --> 00:16:16,799 ♫ You've been dead now 288 00:16:16,967 --> 00:16:20,516 ♫ Wait a minute, let me see 289 00:16:21,207 --> 00:16:25,803 ♫ Fifteen years come next January 290 00:16:28,007 --> 00:16:33,035 ♫ As a human being, you are history 291 00:16:33,967 --> 00:16:37,516 ♫ So why do I still long for you? 292 00:16:37,607 --> 00:16:41,202 ♫ Why is my love so strong for you? 293 00:16:41,647 --> 00:16:45,003 ♫ Why did I write this song for you? 294 00:16:45,807 --> 00:16:49,038 ♫ Well, I guess it's just a mystery 295 00:16:52,727 --> 00:16:55,002 ♫ Mystery ♫ 296 00:17:06,727 --> 00:17:08,240 Mr Marsh? 297 00:17:08,327 --> 00:17:09,726 Mmm-hmm. 298 00:17:09,807 --> 00:17:13,766 Would you like me to take your bags up to your executive suite, Mr Marsh? 299 00:17:13,847 --> 00:17:16,964 Oh, no, thanks very much. I'm gonna be checking out in the morning… 300 00:17:18,567 --> 00:17:24,039 Gordon Inglis, as I live and close a sale, you crazy old buffalo. 301 00:17:24,127 --> 00:17:26,482 -What the hell are you doing here? -Oh, Stuart Marsh, 302 00:17:26,567 --> 00:17:29,843 you turbo-charged son of a mass retailer. How are you? 303 00:17:29,927 --> 00:17:32,760 Well, I'm hanging pretty tough, Gordon. Hanging pretty tough. 304 00:17:32,847 --> 00:17:34,917 What about yourself? Things not going so well, eh? 305 00:17:35,007 --> 00:17:38,283 Oh, no. I'm strictly moving to the rhythm, Stu. Why do you ask? 306 00:17:38,367 --> 00:17:41,484 Why do I ask? Well, Gordon, really. I mean, being a porter in a hotel, 307 00:17:41,567 --> 00:17:43,239 it's hardly the big time, is it? 308 00:17:43,327 --> 00:17:45,795 No… Stuart, that was a joke. 309 00:17:46,967 --> 00:17:51,404 Oh, well, then! Blimey, that's nice. I like that very much. Yeah, very good. 310 00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:55,480 So tell me, you old roister-doister, what the hell are you doing in Telford? 311 00:17:55,567 --> 00:17:57,956 The last I heard you were based out of Peterborough. 312 00:17:58,047 --> 00:18:01,756 Yeah, I did a spell in Peterborough, Gordon. It's part of a big new management shake up, 313 00:18:01,847 --> 00:18:04,805 but right now I'm fixing up to meet with old Derek Clark. 314 00:18:04,887 --> 00:18:06,718 Derek “the Fiddler” Clark? 315 00:18:06,807 --> 00:18:09,480 ♫ If I was a rich man ♫ 316 00:18:09,567 --> 00:18:11,046 The man's a legend. 317 00:18:11,127 --> 00:18:14,961 So tell me, you're gonna be working under Derek Clark now, is that it? 318 00:18:15,047 --> 00:18:18,722 Well, not so much under, Gordon, more kind of alongside. 319 00:18:18,847 --> 00:18:22,965 I'm gonna be a sort of flexible, highly-resourced, independently-targeted, 320 00:18:23,047 --> 00:18:25,322 free-range trouble-shooter, if you like. 321 00:18:25,407 --> 00:18:27,557 Free-range? Sounds challenging. 322 00:18:27,647 --> 00:18:30,081 Anyway, he and I are supposed to be having a working breakfast together. 323 00:18:30,167 --> 00:18:32,123 I'd ask you to join us, Gordon, but, you know… 324 00:18:32,207 --> 00:18:34,437 Oh, no Sweatsville, Idaho, Stu. 325 00:18:34,527 --> 00:18:36,245 So tell me, do they do a good working breakfast here? 326 00:18:36,327 --> 00:18:39,399 I don't believe I've ever actually working-breakfasted at this hotel before. 327 00:18:39,487 --> 00:18:42,160 They only do the best working breakfast in the state of Telford, Gordon. 328 00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:43,521 Waiter. 329 00:18:43,607 --> 00:18:45,245 Gordon, you'll take some coffee, surely. 330 00:18:45,327 --> 00:18:47,795 Well, I don't know. How does the coffee perform? 331 00:18:47,887 --> 00:18:50,162 Oh, the coffee performs okay, Gordon. Don't you worry about that. 332 00:18:50,247 --> 00:18:51,965 Waiter, pot of coffee for two. 333 00:18:52,047 --> 00:18:56,120 Make sure it's hot, strong and in a pot. Okay? For two. 334 00:18:56,207 --> 00:18:59,961 If you see Mr Clark, tell him I'm in the executive breakfast lounge, will you? 335 00:19:00,847 --> 00:19:03,202 How will I know Mr Clark, sir? 336 00:19:03,647 --> 00:19:05,046 I beg your pardon. 337 00:19:05,127 --> 00:19:07,038 How will I recognise Mr Clark? 338 00:19:07,127 --> 00:19:08,719 Are you trying to be funny? 339 00:19:08,807 --> 00:19:11,879 Derek Clark, he's… You know, his lapel badge. He's with Unitec. 340 00:19:11,967 --> 00:19:14,561 -Lapel badge! -Yes, sir. 341 00:19:14,847 --> 00:19:17,042 And he's to meet you in the breakfast lounge. 342 00:19:17,127 --> 00:19:19,436 In the executive breakfast lounge. 343 00:19:19,527 --> 00:19:23,839 -There's only one breakfast lounge, sir. -Yes, and it's the executive breakfast lounge! 344 00:19:23,927 --> 00:19:25,519 Right. I'll tell him, sir. 345 00:19:26,247 --> 00:19:27,600 Hey, sonny. 346 00:19:28,367 --> 00:19:29,800 Come here. 347 00:19:31,087 --> 00:19:33,806 If you've got any thoughts about making it in the hotel business, 348 00:19:33,887 --> 00:19:36,082 then you better just watch your lip, okay? That's all. 349 00:19:36,167 --> 00:19:37,759 -I'm sorry… -That's all. Thank you. 350 00:19:37,847 --> 00:19:40,486 That's all. Thank you very much, waiter! That is all. 351 00:19:41,407 --> 00:19:43,079 The kid's just green, Stu. 352 00:19:43,167 --> 00:19:46,284 Oh, Gordon, when you and I were green… 353 00:19:46,367 --> 00:19:49,564 we didn't go around giving lip to busy senior executives. 354 00:19:49,647 --> 00:19:52,366 No, we used to give them a bit of tongue from time to time. 355 00:19:52,447 --> 00:19:55,962 -So, looks like Derek Clark stood you up. -No, it's all right. 356 00:19:56,047 --> 00:19:59,756 He rang down and said he was having a bit of trouble with the trouser press in his room. 357 00:19:59,847 --> 00:20:01,644 It's an executive trouser press, you see. 358 00:20:01,727 --> 00:20:05,766 Derek tried to put an ordinary leisure trouser on it and, not surprisingly, the machine wouldn't play. 359 00:20:05,847 --> 00:20:07,246 -What a son of a bitch. -Yeah. 360 00:20:07,327 --> 00:20:10,160 So what about yourself, Gordon. What's keeping you off the streets these days? 361 00:20:10,247 --> 00:20:13,717 Well, actually, I've gone into business for myself, Stuart. 362 00:20:13,807 --> 00:20:16,367 Yeah? I hope you're taking good advice. 363 00:20:16,447 --> 00:20:19,439 The very best. I've got hold of a new kind of bank account. 364 00:20:19,527 --> 00:20:22,405 It's called… Smug. 365 00:20:23,367 --> 00:20:25,085 I wish you the very best of luck, Gordon. 366 00:20:25,167 --> 00:20:27,727 I really do, because you and I, hey, we go all the way back. 367 00:20:27,807 --> 00:20:30,446 Oh, right the way back to the end zone, Stu. 368 00:20:30,527 --> 00:20:32,324 You know what they used to call us back in Reading? 369 00:20:32,407 --> 00:20:34,762 -What was that? -The wild dogs of retailing. 370 00:20:34,847 --> 00:20:36,883 -Wild dogs. -Yeah. Yeah. 371 00:20:36,967 --> 00:20:39,322 You and I, we broke a few moulds in our time, eh, Gordon? 372 00:20:39,407 --> 00:20:41,363 -Yeah, and a few eggs. -Yeah. 373 00:20:42,807 --> 00:20:45,196 -Eggs? -You can't make an omelet… 374 00:20:46,247 --> 00:20:48,442 -Yes, I can. -No, you can't. 375 00:20:48,527 --> 00:20:50,438 -Yes, I can. -Not without breaking eggs. 376 00:20:52,167 --> 00:20:53,759 So what if I can't, Gordon? 377 00:20:53,847 --> 00:20:57,157 I mean, I'm a busy man. My talents lie in other directions. 378 00:20:57,247 --> 00:20:59,761 No, no. I mean, you can't make an omelet without breaking eggs. 379 00:21:00,807 --> 00:21:04,482 What is this, Cookery Corner? I don't need this, Gordon, all right? 380 00:21:04,567 --> 00:21:09,846 I'm about to have a working breakfast with the toughest divisional sales manager since Moses 381 00:21:09,927 --> 00:21:12,395 and all of a sudden you're giving me a list of all the things I can't do! 382 00:21:12,487 --> 00:21:13,681 Thanks for the support, partner. 383 00:21:13,767 --> 00:21:15,837 -No, Stu, I only meant… -What am I supposed to say? 384 00:21:15,927 --> 00:21:19,761 “Derek, I'm not right for this job, choose someone else. I can't make an omelet.” 385 00:21:19,847 --> 00:21:23,237 -No, you can, Stu. But not without… -It's delegation, Gordon. I don't have the time. 386 00:21:23,327 --> 00:21:26,399 I want an omelet, I go to an omelet-maker. Does that make me a failure? 387 00:21:26,487 --> 00:21:29,126 All right, I'm a failure. I can't make an omelet without breaking eggs. 388 00:21:29,207 --> 00:21:31,801 Well, no one can, Stu. That's the point. It's impossible. 389 00:21:31,887 --> 00:21:34,276 -What do you mean, it's impossible? -It can't be done. 390 00:21:34,367 --> 00:21:37,518 What do you think I've been eating all these years? I had an omelet last night. 391 00:21:37,607 --> 00:21:39,882 Yeah, but they broke the eggs. 392 00:21:40,927 --> 00:21:46,001 I hardly think they'd use broken eggs in executive room service, Gordon. 393 00:21:50,887 --> 00:21:53,037 Do you know what I'd like to know? 394 00:21:53,127 --> 00:21:55,163 -Have you told me before? -No. 395 00:21:55,247 --> 00:21:56,999 Then how can I possibly? 396 00:21:57,087 --> 00:22:00,523 I'd like to know why, oh, why, oh, why 397 00:22:00,607 --> 00:22:06,079 the word gay has been so ruthlessly hijacked from our beloved English language. 398 00:22:06,807 --> 00:22:08,718 I agree with your question 100%. 399 00:22:08,807 --> 00:22:11,560 -Gay used to be such a lovely word. -A lovely word. 400 00:22:11,647 --> 00:22:15,003 Yes. You can't use it anymore. It's been taken away from us. 401 00:22:15,087 --> 00:22:18,079 That's right. No longer can ordinary people, such as we, 402 00:22:18,167 --> 00:22:23,116 use an ordinary word, like gay, in an ordinary example of the great British sentence. 403 00:22:23,287 --> 00:22:26,279 Without people thinking that you mean poofy. It's a disgrace. 404 00:22:26,367 --> 00:22:27,800 Damn shame. 405 00:22:27,887 --> 00:22:30,720 And there's another one, you see? Poofy. You can't say that anymore. 406 00:22:30,807 --> 00:22:32,399 -Of course you can't. -Used to. 407 00:22:32,487 --> 00:22:34,045 -All the time. -Yes, but now… 408 00:22:34,127 --> 00:22:36,880 -Now. -…people think you mean arse bandit. 409 00:22:38,287 --> 00:22:40,881 Arse bandit. There you go again, you see? 410 00:22:41,007 --> 00:22:42,963 -Well, of course you do. -You know, arse bandit. 411 00:22:43,047 --> 00:22:45,481 -Perfectly decent couple of words. -That's right. 412 00:22:45,567 --> 00:22:47,922 -Used to use them every day. -So did I. 413 00:22:48,007 --> 00:22:52,717 “Would you care to have a go on the arse bandit?” One used to ask, quite innocently. 414 00:22:52,807 --> 00:22:57,085 Yes. Yes, or, “Back in a moment, darling. I'm just taking the arse bandit to the menders.” 415 00:22:57,167 --> 00:22:58,282 Yeah. 416 00:22:59,207 --> 00:23:00,925 -But now, of course… -Nowadays. 417 00:23:01,007 --> 00:23:03,282 -…people think you mean homosexual. -Right. 418 00:23:03,367 --> 00:23:05,562 -And there's another one. -Yeah. 419 00:23:05,647 --> 00:23:09,322 When was the last time you could use the word homosexual in its proper context? 420 00:23:09,407 --> 00:23:12,524 -Right, and it's such a lovely word. -Oh, it's one of the great words. 421 00:23:12,607 --> 00:23:17,237 “My word, Jane,” I used to say to my wife, “the garden's looking very homosexual this morning.” 422 00:23:17,327 --> 00:23:20,000 Quite right. Quite right. Lovely word. 423 00:23:20,087 --> 00:23:21,645 One of the great words. Always were. 424 00:23:21,727 --> 00:23:25,959 “Landlord, I'll have two foaming pints of your most homosexual beer, thank you.” 425 00:23:27,007 --> 00:23:29,202 “Oh, and a packet of arse bandits as well.” 426 00:23:29,287 --> 00:23:32,006 Right. Yes. Yes. Yes. “And keep the change.” 427 00:23:32,087 --> 00:23:33,156 -Right. -Yes. 428 00:23:33,247 --> 00:23:34,362 -But now… -Nowadays. 429 00:23:34,447 --> 00:23:36,165 -People just laugh at you. -That's right. 430 00:23:36,247 --> 00:23:40,320 Oh, well, I'm off to the dry-cleaner's to pick up a couple of screaming benders. 431 00:23:40,407 --> 00:23:41,999 -Are you coming? -I don't see why not. 432 00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:43,918 Then we can get them home and go to bed with them. 433 00:23:44,007 --> 00:23:45,281 -That's right. -That's right. 434 00:23:50,807 --> 00:23:52,479 Morning. You're ugly. 435 00:23:57,207 --> 00:23:58,560 No. 436 00:23:59,047 --> 00:24:00,162 Um… 437 00:24:00,247 --> 00:24:03,000 We're not… We're not doing that one. 438 00:24:04,087 --> 00:24:06,999 No. If you remember, I didn't like it. 439 00:24:08,807 --> 00:24:10,923 I thought that was quite funny, that one. 440 00:24:11,007 --> 00:24:13,999 -Yes. Yes, we'll be doing this one instead. -Right. All right then. 441 00:24:14,087 --> 00:24:15,236 Right. 442 00:24:18,487 --> 00:24:21,479 Huh. I can see you've fallen in love already, sir. 443 00:24:21,567 --> 00:24:25,401 -Oh, hello. Yes, I was just looking at the… -The Aston Martin. Isn't she beautiful? 444 00:24:25,487 --> 00:24:28,206 To be honest with you, that's the best car in the place, that one. 445 00:24:28,287 --> 00:24:30,676 Out of all of them, that is the best one in the place. 446 00:24:30,767 --> 00:24:33,565 Only come in Tuesday, as a matter of fact. 447 00:24:33,647 --> 00:24:36,002 Obviously it's not for me. It's for my nephew. 448 00:24:36,087 --> 00:24:38,760 -It's his birthday tomorrow. He'll be nine. -Yeah, that's nice. 449 00:24:38,847 --> 00:24:41,236 And he told me he's set his heart on an Aston Martin so… 450 00:24:41,327 --> 00:24:43,079 Yeah, well, you know, who wouldn't? 451 00:24:43,167 --> 00:24:46,523 To be honest with you, if I had the money, that is the one I would… 452 00:24:46,607 --> 00:24:49,075 You know, for my own personal use, I would choose that one. 453 00:24:49,207 --> 00:24:51,004 -You can have a go on it if you want. -Really? 454 00:24:51,087 --> 00:24:52,839 Yeah, sure. I'll get it out for you. 455 00:24:58,607 --> 00:25:00,677 -Goes a bit, doesn't it? -Yeah. 456 00:25:04,887 --> 00:25:06,605 Sounds a bit rough to me. 457 00:25:08,047 --> 00:25:12,165 Yeah, that's 'cause you're not getting your tongue far enough back in your throat. That's why. 458 00:25:12,247 --> 00:25:14,602 -Like that, you see? -Oh, right. Yeah. 459 00:25:14,687 --> 00:25:17,360 Oh, yes. Good. So how much is it? 460 00:25:17,447 --> 00:25:21,759 The Aston Martin DB6 Plantagenet silver. 461 00:25:21,847 --> 00:25:23,439 Oh, that's £4. 462 00:25:23,527 --> 00:25:24,676 -£4? -Yeah. 463 00:25:24,807 --> 00:25:27,640 And it's one owner. Immaculate history. 464 00:25:28,367 --> 00:25:30,039 It's not new, then? 465 00:25:30,127 --> 00:25:33,085 Oh, no. No, no, no. No, you won't get a new Aston for £4. 466 00:25:33,167 --> 00:25:35,123 That is cheap. That is a good price. 467 00:25:35,207 --> 00:25:37,880 For an Aston, £4 is cheap. I'm telling you. 468 00:25:37,967 --> 00:25:42,324 Obviously, we make sure that the vehicle is completely immaculate before it goes out of here. 469 00:25:42,407 --> 00:25:45,001 We do a complete five-point check on the vehicle. 470 00:25:45,087 --> 00:25:46,998 We clean and polish it… 471 00:25:48,327 --> 00:25:52,525 and then we do the other four things that are included in the five-point check. 472 00:25:52,607 --> 00:25:56,316 Basically, we do everything that is humanely possible to the car. 473 00:25:57,807 --> 00:26:00,241 Look, if you're not sure, you know, why not bring your nephew in? 474 00:26:00,327 --> 00:26:03,637 You know, if he knows about Astons. Maybe he'd like to have a look underneath it. 475 00:26:03,727 --> 00:26:06,116 We can have a look underneath it now if you want. 476 00:26:06,927 --> 00:26:09,760 -Clean. Yeah. -It is clean. It is clean. Yes. 477 00:26:09,847 --> 00:26:11,724 Do you exchange? 478 00:26:11,807 --> 00:26:14,321 -Well, what's he got at the moment? -A tractor. 479 00:26:15,367 --> 00:26:18,439 Well, I'll be lucky to shift a tractor by new year. 480 00:26:18,527 --> 00:26:19,880 Maybe 40p. 481 00:26:19,967 --> 00:26:21,559 He is very fond of his tractor. 482 00:26:22,247 --> 00:26:26,126 All right, then. It's his birthday. You're an ugly bastard. 50p. 483 00:26:29,687 --> 00:26:32,884 I'd just like to tell you about this cigarette case. 484 00:26:32,967 --> 00:26:37,006 It used to belong to my grandfather on my parents' side. 485 00:26:39,927 --> 00:26:45,797 He was given it by his god-niece as a kind of loss of virginity present, really. 486 00:26:47,047 --> 00:26:51,438 He took it with him to Flanders in 1912 when he went there on holiday. 487 00:26:51,567 --> 00:26:55,162 Then he took it again in 1915 when he went to fight in the war. 488 00:26:55,647 --> 00:27:00,846 Now, what grandfather used to do is he would keep cigarettes in it like this. 489 00:27:00,927 --> 00:27:05,318 And if he wanted one, he would simply take it out, smoke it and close the case again. 490 00:27:06,567 --> 00:27:09,764 Now, he used to keep his cigarette case here, 491 00:27:09,847 --> 00:27:13,965 in the breast pocket of his field tunic, or battle blouse. 492 00:27:14,727 --> 00:27:19,403 Now, one day grandfather had to go over the top, out of the trenches into action 493 00:27:19,487 --> 00:27:22,763 and he was shot by a German sniper 494 00:27:22,847 --> 00:27:24,519 clean through the temple. 495 00:27:25,927 --> 00:27:29,886 Now, if grandfather had worn his cigarette case here… 496 00:27:32,527 --> 00:27:33,721 um… 497 00:27:34,767 --> 00:27:37,201 it would have an unpleasant dent in it… 498 00:27:37,927 --> 00:27:39,758 and I'd be alive today. 499 00:27:43,527 --> 00:27:46,724 Oh, that's… That's brilliant, that is. That's fantastic. 500 00:27:46,807 --> 00:27:48,126 What? 501 00:27:48,207 --> 00:27:50,038 The wars are funny now, are they? 502 00:27:50,127 --> 00:27:52,482 The First World War was just a joke to you, I suppose, was it? 503 00:27:52,567 --> 00:27:54,797 Well, yes, not very well-told. 504 00:27:54,887 --> 00:27:58,766 Oh, right, so the Great War and World War II were just vast entertainments 505 00:27:58,847 --> 00:28:00,758 laid on for your benefit, were they? 506 00:28:00,847 --> 00:28:03,919 Well, if you put it that way, then obviously yes. 507 00:28:04,407 --> 00:28:07,160 Do you know, I wonder, what it's like to die? 508 00:28:08,207 --> 00:28:10,437 -Erm… no, I don't, actually. -No, right. 509 00:28:10,527 --> 00:28:13,439 But do you think it's funny that millions of people died for you? 510 00:28:13,527 --> 00:28:17,236 I don't think millions of people did die for me. They didn't know me. I wasn't born. 511 00:28:17,327 --> 00:28:20,399 They happened to be dying for generations yet unborn, 512 00:28:20,487 --> 00:28:22,955 -which I think includes you. -Yes, but they didn't know that, did they? 513 00:28:23,047 --> 00:28:24,799 They didn't go into battle shouting, 514 00:28:24,887 --> 00:28:28,243 “Let's die for Stephen Fry who may or may not be born one day.” 515 00:28:28,327 --> 00:28:30,522 -They were just obeying orders. -Oh, forget it. Forget it. 516 00:28:30,607 --> 00:28:31,960 Sick, you are. 517 00:28:32,047 --> 00:28:33,196 Sick. 518 00:28:33,287 --> 00:28:37,246 Well, I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen. I mean, the fact is I am sick. 519 00:28:38,567 --> 00:28:41,525 But I don't think even Hugh knows quite how sick I am. 520 00:28:41,607 --> 00:28:44,883 The fact is, and this is something only Hugh's closest friends are aware of, 521 00:28:44,967 --> 00:28:47,117 that he has been suffering now for sometime 522 00:28:47,207 --> 00:28:50,722 from a gradual but persistent deterioration in his eyesight. 523 00:28:52,847 --> 00:28:55,964 Normally, it's absolutely fine. No one would ever know. 524 00:28:56,047 --> 00:29:00,802 He learns the position of all the furniture, all the props on stage and no one could ever guess. 525 00:29:00,967 --> 00:29:06,200 But today, so sick am I, I just went out this morning and moved everything here just… 526 00:29:07,727 --> 00:29:10,400 Oh, dear. I'm sorry. It was sick of me. 527 00:29:10,487 --> 00:29:14,082 As you can see, he's completely disoriented. I don't know… 528 00:29:14,167 --> 00:29:16,920 I don't know why I did it. I'm sorry. It was sick of me. 529 00:29:17,007 --> 00:29:20,317 -All right. Come on, let's get on with it. -Sorry. On with the sketch. 530 00:29:24,567 --> 00:29:26,319 Soldiers are… 531 00:29:26,447 --> 00:29:30,884 Now, I don't know how to tell you this so I'm going to have to come straight out with it. 532 00:29:30,967 --> 00:29:34,482 -I'm afraid I can't let you go on the escape. -I'm sorry, sir? 533 00:29:34,567 --> 00:29:37,240 -I can't let you go on the escape. -Well, why not, sir? 534 00:29:37,327 --> 00:29:39,887 Because, Whitlow, because you're blind. That's why not. 535 00:29:39,967 --> 00:29:41,685 -No, I'm not, sir. -You're blind, Whitlow, 536 00:29:41,767 --> 00:29:43,962 and I can't jeopardise the lives of 14 other prisoners 537 00:29:44,047 --> 00:29:48,006 just because one of the members of the escape party happens to be blind. 538 00:29:48,607 --> 00:29:51,360 -Pardon, sir? -I said, I can't… 539 00:29:52,727 --> 00:29:55,321 -What's the matter? Are you deaf? -Yes, sir. 540 00:29:57,127 --> 00:29:59,846 -You're deaf and blind? -No, just deaf, sir. 541 00:29:59,927 --> 00:30:02,521 No, you're blind as well, Whitlow. You keep bumping into things. 542 00:30:02,607 --> 00:30:05,167 Oh, that! Oh, well, that's just a joke, sir. 543 00:30:06,767 --> 00:30:08,166 It's not very funny, is it? 544 00:30:08,247 --> 00:30:10,124 Well, the chaps like it, sir. 545 00:30:10,727 --> 00:30:13,287 -If you'll pardon the pun. -What pun? 546 00:30:13,367 --> 00:30:15,676 -Wasn't there a pun? Oh, I'm sorry. -No. 547 00:30:17,327 --> 00:30:21,115 All right, you claim you can see. I have here, Whitlow, an electric carving knife. 548 00:30:21,727 --> 00:30:24,639 I'm going to plug it in, switch it on and throw it at you. 549 00:30:26,407 --> 00:30:29,205 If you don't drop it, I'll let you go on the escape. 550 00:30:29,287 --> 00:30:31,243 I'm sorry, I didn't catch that, sir. 551 00:30:31,327 --> 00:30:33,283 I haven't thrown it yet. 552 00:30:33,367 --> 00:30:35,676 Actually, I was telling a bit of a lie just now. 553 00:30:35,767 --> 00:30:38,520 -Ah, you mean you're not deaf? -No, I mean I am blind. 554 00:30:38,607 --> 00:30:41,041 -You're blind and deaf? -Pardon? 555 00:30:41,127 --> 00:30:44,722 Well, I can't very well let you go on the escape if you're deaf and blind, now can I? 556 00:30:44,807 --> 00:30:47,116 It was a forlorn hope, sir, yes. 557 00:30:47,207 --> 00:30:50,677 Just a moment. If you're deaf, how can you hear what I'm saying? 558 00:30:50,767 --> 00:30:52,837 -I can lip-read, sir. -Ah, I see. 559 00:30:53,527 --> 00:30:54,880 Lip-read? 560 00:30:54,967 --> 00:30:57,197 -But you're blind! -Pardon? 561 00:30:58,247 --> 00:31:00,715 How can you read my lips if you're blind? 562 00:31:00,807 --> 00:31:05,756 Oh, well, it's because I'm deaf, sir, that my sense of vision is naturally enhanced. 563 00:31:06,407 --> 00:31:10,525 Blind people are known to have very keen hearing. So they sort of cancel each other out, sir. 564 00:31:10,607 --> 00:31:14,282 -You mean you can see and hear perfectly? -Yes, because I'm blind and deaf. 565 00:31:15,047 --> 00:31:17,800 One miraculously compensates for the other. 566 00:31:17,887 --> 00:31:20,959 You poor beggar, but I still can't let you go on the escape. 567 00:31:21,047 --> 00:31:23,641 It's because I'm dumb, isn't it, sir? 568 00:31:23,727 --> 00:31:26,400 -It's a talker's world. -What are you talking about? 569 00:31:26,487 --> 00:31:28,384 If you can't talk, you're nobody, nothing, a zero. 570 00:31:28,584 --> 00:31:29,584 Whitlow, shut up. 571 00:31:29,767 --> 00:31:31,883 They think it means I'm stupid, but I've got ideas… 572 00:31:31,967 --> 00:31:35,084 Be quiet, Whitlow. You're not coming on this escape. 573 00:31:35,167 --> 00:31:36,600 If it's because I can't smell, sir. 574 00:31:36,687 --> 00:31:38,678 You are not coming on this escape and that is final. 575 00:31:38,767 --> 00:31:41,759 But, sir, I lost my sense of smell while forging the minutest details 576 00:31:41,847 --> 00:31:43,439 of a thousand Nazi documents. 577 00:31:43,527 --> 00:31:46,758 I know that, Whitlow, but you can't come because you're a bastard and we hate you. 578 00:31:46,847 --> 00:31:49,156 -We don't want you to come. -Oh, fair enough, sir. 579 00:32:00,207 --> 00:32:01,606 Oh, hi, Bradley. 580 00:32:01,687 --> 00:32:04,884 I just looked in to see if I couldn't have a borrow of your garden sprinklie. 581 00:32:04,967 --> 00:32:07,845 Oh, sure, mate. Help yourself. It's over there in the coolie. 582 00:32:07,927 --> 00:32:09,724 Thanks, mate. 583 00:32:09,807 --> 00:32:13,436 By the way, how are Javelina and Trevelin these days? 584 00:32:14,607 --> 00:32:16,598 Jings, mate, don't reopen old wounds. 585 00:32:16,687 --> 00:32:19,121 Was I doing that, Craig? Was I reopening old wounds? 586 00:32:19,207 --> 00:32:21,004 -Old sores? -You certainly were. 587 00:32:21,127 --> 00:32:23,595 Listen, Shane, a word to the wise. 588 00:32:23,687 --> 00:32:26,804 If you wanna re-establish your relationship with those two, 589 00:32:26,887 --> 00:32:29,560 you've got to stop running away from yourself. 590 00:32:29,647 --> 00:32:31,797 Jings, mate, don't you think I know that? 591 00:32:31,887 --> 00:32:35,197 Don't you think I've tried not running away from myself? 592 00:32:35,287 --> 00:32:39,724 It seems like every time I look out the window, there I go haring down the street. 593 00:32:39,807 --> 00:32:41,957 -Away from yourself? -Away from myself, precisely. 594 00:32:42,047 --> 00:32:44,038 How does Donna feel about this? 595 00:32:44,127 --> 00:32:47,756 Owen, I'm gonna ask you man to man, leave Donna out of this. 596 00:32:48,367 --> 00:32:50,403 All right, I'm sorry. Keep your sweat on. 597 00:32:50,527 --> 00:32:52,119 It's okay, mate. 598 00:32:52,207 --> 00:32:55,438 It's just that ever since Morwenna's graphic design studio went down the tubes, 599 00:32:55,527 --> 00:32:58,485 I just seem to have withdrawn right into myself. 600 00:32:58,567 --> 00:33:01,957 Oh, heck, Findley. You can't blame yourself for that. 601 00:33:02,047 --> 00:33:06,359 Sean over-capitalised. You warned him time and time enough. 602 00:33:06,527 --> 00:33:08,722 Yeah, but performance is the bottom line, Clark, 603 00:33:08,807 --> 00:33:11,605 and I hold myself accountable in no small measure. 604 00:33:12,607 --> 00:33:16,202 Well, how do you think I feel, Declan, for crike's sakes, eh? 605 00:33:16,287 --> 00:33:19,916 I personally underwrote the equity on Yvonne's marital boutique. 606 00:33:20,087 --> 00:33:22,521 It's my ass on the bottom line, too, you know. 607 00:33:22,607 --> 00:33:24,962 Listen, you leave Yvonne out of this, all right? 608 00:33:25,047 --> 00:33:27,800 Jings, mate, I'm sorry. God, it's pretty stuffy in here. 609 00:33:27,887 --> 00:33:29,525 Why don't we get some fresh air? 610 00:33:29,607 --> 00:33:32,804 Sure, mate, help yourself. There's some air freshener in the dunnie over there. 611 00:33:32,887 --> 00:33:35,196 Oh, by the way, I know what it was I wanted to say to you. 612 00:33:35,287 --> 00:33:37,721 We're having a barbie tomorrow night. Do you want to come along? 613 00:33:37,807 --> 00:33:40,275 You leave Barbie out of this! 614 00:33:41,247 --> 00:33:42,566 No, a barbecue. 615 00:33:42,647 --> 00:33:46,765 It's to celebrate the opening of Morkwinda's new executive fitness centre and garage. 616 00:33:46,847 --> 00:33:48,485 -Do you want to come? -Sounds great. 617 00:33:48,567 --> 00:33:49,966 Okay, then. 618 00:33:50,047 --> 00:33:51,639 -Oh, Jims! -What? 619 00:33:51,727 --> 00:33:54,036 I've just seen Joycie coming up the pathie. 620 00:33:54,127 --> 00:33:55,355 Oh, Jims! 621 00:33:55,447 --> 00:33:59,281 Listen, there's something I've been discussing with Castella and Lilette. 622 00:34:00,247 --> 00:34:04,798 And I'd rather that, you know, Joycie and Lenore didn't find out about it. 623 00:34:04,887 --> 00:34:06,684 What? Spit it out, mate, she's almost here. 624 00:34:06,767 --> 00:34:11,124 Look, I don't know how to tell you this, mate. It's hard for me to say. The fact is… 625 00:34:11,207 --> 00:34:13,846 I've been having, well, affair, it's the only word. 626 00:34:13,927 --> 00:34:17,397 I've been having an affair with you for sometime now. 627 00:34:18,927 --> 00:34:20,485 -What? -It's true. 628 00:34:21,007 --> 00:34:22,838 You bastard! 629 00:34:22,927 --> 00:34:28,797 Look, mate, you had to find out sooner or later and I'd just rather it came from me, that's all. 630 00:34:28,887 --> 00:34:31,765 You mean we've been sleeping together all this time? 631 00:34:31,887 --> 00:34:33,366 Behind my back? 632 00:34:35,487 --> 00:34:38,718 I've said I'm sorry. I don't know what else I can say. 633 00:34:38,807 --> 00:34:40,320 The fact is that… 634 00:34:40,407 --> 00:34:42,318 I was vulnerable and you were there. 635 00:34:42,407 --> 00:34:44,363 You leave me out of this! 636 00:34:45,487 --> 00:34:47,842 I've said I'm sorry. I just don't know what else I can say, mate. 637 00:34:47,927 --> 00:34:50,282 Why am I always the last one to know? 638 00:34:50,367 --> 00:34:52,164 It won't happen again, Vin. I promise. 639 00:34:52,247 --> 00:34:57,002 I just wish that if you were gonna sleep with me, ou could at least have done it to my face. 640 00:34:57,087 --> 00:34:59,043 I'll bear that in mind for next time. 641 00:35:00,327 --> 00:35:04,400 The truth is, mate, I was confused and slightly bewildered. 642 00:35:04,927 --> 00:35:08,636 I'd just discovered that Durnik isn't my real father. 643 00:35:08,727 --> 00:35:11,082 He isn't! Well, then who is? 644 00:35:11,607 --> 00:35:12,960 I am. 645 00:35:14,127 --> 00:35:17,358 -Then that must mean that you must be… -Exactly. 646 00:35:17,447 --> 00:35:20,917 Devlin's half-sister's wife's doctor's cousin's niece. 647 00:35:21,647 --> 00:35:23,842 Well, then who the hell am I? 648 00:35:23,927 --> 00:35:26,441 I don't know, mate, but it's your round.