1 00:00:00,507 --> 00:00:01,201 Uh… 2 00:00:02,007 --> 00:00:03,006 Hmm. Um… 3 00:00:03,027 --> 00:00:03,706 Um… 4 00:00:04,387 --> 00:00:05,340 Uh… 5 00:00:06,007 --> 00:00:06,776 Um… 6 00:00:07,567 --> 00:00:08,006 Um… 7 00:00:08,047 --> 00:00:08,836 Um… 8 00:00:32,927 --> 00:00:35,487 -Ah, good morning, Michael. -Good morning, sir. 9 00:00:35,567 --> 00:00:36,761 Good morning, Mr Smear. 10 00:00:36,847 --> 00:00:39,645 Yes, well, we'll dispense with the good mornings if you don't mind. 11 00:00:39,727 --> 00:00:41,399 I haven't got time for good mornings. 12 00:00:41,687 --> 00:00:44,326 As you wish. Now, you wanted to discuss something with me. 13 00:00:44,407 --> 00:00:46,443 I think you know why I'm here. 14 00:00:46,527 --> 00:00:48,199 I don't think I do. 15 00:00:48,287 --> 00:00:50,437 -Tell him. -Tell me what? 16 00:00:50,527 --> 00:00:52,882 Tell him what you told your mother last night. 17 00:00:53,567 --> 00:00:55,603 -Come on, come on. Sexual intercourse… -…intercourse 18 00:00:55,687 --> 00:00:57,996 can often bring about pregnancy in the adult female. 19 00:00:58,087 --> 00:01:01,238 Can often bring about pregnancy in the adult female. Yes. 20 00:01:01,327 --> 00:01:02,601 Yes? 21 00:01:02,687 --> 00:01:04,439 -You heard that, did you? -Yes. 22 00:01:04,527 --> 00:01:07,758 Yes, well, I'd like an explanation if it's not too much trouble. 23 00:01:08,767 --> 00:01:10,359 An explanation of what? 24 00:01:10,447 --> 00:01:12,642 An explanation of how my son 25 00:01:12,727 --> 00:01:15,525 came to be using language like that in front of his mother. 26 00:01:17,127 --> 00:01:20,915 Well, I, um, I assume it's something that Michael's been learning in his biology classes. 27 00:01:21,007 --> 00:01:22,486 -Is that right? -Yes, sir. 28 00:01:22,567 --> 00:01:25,764 Yes, with Mr Hent. Glad to see some of it's sinking in. 29 00:01:28,807 --> 00:01:31,241 Well, this is a turn up and no mistake. 30 00:01:31,327 --> 00:01:32,646 What is? 31 00:01:32,727 --> 00:01:35,400 I didn't imagine you'd be quite so barefaced about it. 32 00:01:35,487 --> 00:01:38,365 -About what? -I came here today to make a complaint 33 00:01:38,447 --> 00:01:41,644 about my son being exposed to gutter language in the playground. 34 00:01:41,767 --> 00:01:43,723 I am frankly staggered 35 00:01:43,807 --> 00:01:47,277 to find that this is something he's actually been taught in a classroom. 36 00:01:47,367 --> 00:01:50,757 -What is going on here? -Well, we're trying to teach your son… 37 00:01:50,847 --> 00:01:53,042 Oh, are you indeed? Trying to teach him what? 38 00:01:53,127 --> 00:01:56,756 How to embarrass his parents? How to smack himself with heroine? What? 39 00:01:58,967 --> 00:02:02,562 -Mr Smear, I can assure you, we have no… -Call yourself a school? 40 00:02:02,647 --> 00:02:05,207 Well, I don't actually call myself a school, no. 41 00:02:06,767 --> 00:02:08,359 You ought to be ashamed of yourself. 42 00:02:08,447 --> 00:02:11,723 Filling a young lad's head with filth like that. Well, let me tell you something 43 00:02:11,807 --> 00:02:14,367 about the real world. You're here to provide a service. 44 00:02:14,447 --> 00:02:16,199 -That's quite right. -Oh, “that's quite right.” 45 00:02:16,287 --> 00:02:20,360 Well, I'm not happy with it. I'm not happy with the service you're providing. 46 00:02:20,447 --> 00:02:23,200 Would you rather that Michael didn't attend biology classes? 47 00:02:23,287 --> 00:02:24,959 Well, certainly I would 48 00:02:25,047 --> 00:02:28,483 if those are the kind of lies I can expect to hear repeated at the dinner table. 49 00:02:28,567 --> 00:02:31,684 -They're not lies, Mr Smear. -Oh, aren't they? 50 00:02:31,767 --> 00:02:35,680 Aren't they? What, sexual intercourse can bring about pregnancy in the adult female? 51 00:02:35,767 --> 00:02:36,995 Well, it's quite true. 52 00:02:38,327 --> 00:02:40,158 True my arse. 53 00:02:41,287 --> 00:02:45,485 It's nothing more than a disgusting rumour put about by trendy young people in the '60s. 54 00:02:46,607 --> 00:02:48,563 Trendy young people in their '60s? 55 00:02:49,287 --> 00:02:51,243 The '60s. In the '60s. 56 00:02:51,327 --> 00:02:53,363 That's when it all started, people like you. 57 00:02:53,447 --> 00:02:55,961 I can assure you, Mr Smear, that sexual reproduction 58 00:02:56,047 --> 00:02:58,163 has been part of the biology syllabus for many years. 59 00:02:58,247 --> 00:03:00,761 I don't care about your blasted syllabus. 60 00:03:00,847 --> 00:03:03,407 -What good is a blasted syllabus out there? -Out where? 61 00:03:03,487 --> 00:03:05,637 -Out there. -The Arkwright Road? 62 00:03:07,047 --> 00:03:08,844 Arkwright jungle, I call it. 63 00:03:08,927 --> 00:03:11,839 Well, what would… What would you rather we taught your son? 64 00:03:11,927 --> 00:03:13,042 I would rather, 65 00:03:13,127 --> 00:03:16,085 I would rather you taught him values, Mr… 66 00:03:16,767 --> 00:03:18,041 -Casilingua. -Casilingua. 67 00:03:18,127 --> 00:03:21,483 Values. Respect. Decency. Standards. 68 00:03:21,567 --> 00:03:25,526 That's what you're here for. You're not here to poison my son with a lot of randy sex talk. 69 00:03:27,007 --> 00:03:29,362 Michael definitely is your son, is he? 70 00:03:29,447 --> 00:03:30,675 Well, certainly he's my son. 71 00:03:30,767 --> 00:03:32,678 Then it's safe to assume that at some stage 72 00:03:32,767 --> 00:03:35,076 you and Mrs Smear must've had sexual intercourse. 73 00:03:35,527 --> 00:03:36,801 Right. That's it. 74 00:03:36,887 --> 00:03:39,959 I've had enough of this. I'm gonna knock some sense into you myself. 75 00:03:40,047 --> 00:03:43,005 -You're gonna fight me now, are you? -Yes, I bloody well am. 76 00:03:43,527 --> 00:03:46,439 -I'm not gonna stand for this. -Well, do you mind if I do? 77 00:03:46,527 --> 00:03:48,995 Talking like that in front of the boy. You're a bloody disgrace. 78 00:03:49,967 --> 00:03:52,242 Mr Smear, how can Michael be your son 79 00:03:52,327 --> 00:03:54,761 if you and Mrs Smear have not had sexual intercourse? 80 00:03:55,807 --> 00:03:58,640 -Michael is my son… -Yes? 81 00:03:59,287 --> 00:04:02,085 -…in the normal way. -Ah. 82 00:04:02,447 --> 00:04:05,598 And what, in your opinion, is the normal way to have a son? 83 00:04:06,967 --> 00:04:09,925 If you're trying to trick me into sexy talk, there isn't… 84 00:04:10,767 --> 00:04:13,076 Well, the normal way to have a son is 85 00:04:13,727 --> 00:04:15,206 -to get married. -Mmm-hmm. 86 00:04:15,287 --> 00:04:20,202 Uh, buy a house, get properly settled in, uh, furniture and so on. 87 00:04:20,447 --> 00:04:23,086 And, um… And just wait for a bit. 88 00:04:23,167 --> 00:04:24,202 Ah. 89 00:04:24,287 --> 00:04:27,040 Make sure you eat properly. Three hot meals a day. 90 00:04:27,127 --> 00:04:28,446 -Three hot meals? -Hot meals. Yes. 91 00:04:28,527 --> 00:04:31,997 Right. And Michael just sort of, um, popped up, did he? 92 00:04:32,647 --> 00:04:37,641 Yes, well, of course it was a few years ago now, but I think, uh, yes, one day he was just there. 93 00:04:38,127 --> 00:04:41,915 And at no stage did you or Mrs Smear engage in any act of sexual intimacy? 94 00:04:42,007 --> 00:04:45,841 Yes, it's very hard for you to believe, isn't it? It's very hard for you to believe 95 00:04:45,927 --> 00:04:48,487 that there are still some of us who can bring a child to this world 96 00:04:48,567 --> 00:04:51,445 without recourse to cannabis and government handouts. 97 00:04:52,407 --> 00:04:54,967 -Well, I really don't know what to say. -No, I bet you don't. 98 00:04:55,047 --> 00:04:57,845 It's not every day a consumer stands up to you and makes demands, is it? 99 00:04:57,927 --> 00:04:59,440 Well, not of this nature certainly. 100 00:04:59,527 --> 00:05:04,157 No, well, welcome to the harsh realities of the market place, Mr Casilingua. 101 00:05:04,247 --> 00:05:06,602 Right, okay. So what do you want me to do? 102 00:05:07,087 --> 00:05:09,442 -Well, it's perfectly obvious, isn't it? -Not to me. 103 00:05:09,527 --> 00:05:11,597 Well, I mean, if I go to Littlewoods 104 00:05:11,687 --> 00:05:15,316 and say that I'm not happy with a cardigan, for example, 105 00:05:15,447 --> 00:05:17,961 well, they'll change it for me, and gladly. 106 00:05:18,047 --> 00:05:19,685 You want me to change your son? 107 00:05:21,127 --> 00:05:23,436 Well, of course I do. Mine is soiled now. 108 00:05:24,727 --> 00:05:25,955 Um… 109 00:05:27,967 --> 00:05:30,322 I'm afraid we don't have any spare sons. 110 00:05:31,527 --> 00:05:33,245 Typical, isn't it? 111 00:05:33,327 --> 00:05:35,716 Well, what have you got of equal value? 112 00:05:40,727 --> 00:05:43,241 Oh, we have got some locusts in the biology lab. 113 00:05:44,207 --> 00:05:46,846 Locusts, hmm. Do I have your assurance 114 00:05:46,927 --> 00:05:50,397 that these locusts will not embarrass Mrs Smear at table with foul language? 115 00:05:51,447 --> 00:05:53,244 I think I can go that far. 116 00:05:53,327 --> 00:05:57,206 -Hmm. How many of them are they? -Well, there are two at the moment. 117 00:05:57,287 --> 00:05:59,039 What do you mean, at the moment? 118 00:05:59,127 --> 00:06:00,242 Ah. 119 00:06:01,007 --> 00:06:06,206 Well, um, they're married, you see, and they've bought their own cage, 120 00:06:06,287 --> 00:06:10,644 and some furniture, and have settled down and are having three meals a day. 121 00:06:11,207 --> 00:06:12,640 -Hot meals? -Warmish. 122 00:06:14,367 --> 00:06:17,439 So Mrs Smear might one day become a grandmother? 123 00:06:17,807 --> 00:06:19,604 It's a distinct possibility. 124 00:06:21,127 --> 00:06:22,560 She'd like that. 125 00:06:24,447 --> 00:06:25,596 Um… 126 00:06:26,807 --> 00:06:29,241 Well, they've got hotter pavements, I know that. 127 00:06:31,367 --> 00:06:34,359 Well, Sue Lawley used to, before she went mad. 128 00:06:34,687 --> 00:06:36,325 No, I just couldn't. 129 00:06:38,447 --> 00:06:40,483 Or am I thinking of bus lanes? 130 00:06:42,927 --> 00:06:46,681 “Underneath the bellied skies Where dust and rain find space to fall 131 00:06:46,767 --> 00:06:49,600 “To fall and lie and change again Without a care or mind at all 132 00:06:49,687 --> 00:06:51,405 “For art and life and things above 133 00:06:51,487 --> 00:06:53,125 “In that, there, look just there 134 00:06:53,207 --> 00:06:55,641 “No right left up down past or future 135 00:06:55,727 --> 00:06:57,843 “We have but ourselves to fear.” 136 00:06:58,487 --> 00:07:02,321 Hugh, you chose that poem. Um, for God's sake, why? 137 00:07:04,207 --> 00:07:06,038 I chose it for a number of reasons, Stephen. 138 00:07:06,127 --> 00:07:07,958 -Chief amongst them being? -Well… 139 00:07:08,087 --> 00:07:11,318 Can I perhaps turn that question round and say, “Because it was short”? 140 00:07:11,407 --> 00:07:12,556 -The poem? -Yes. 141 00:07:12,647 --> 00:07:13,841 And that's important? 142 00:07:13,927 --> 00:07:16,646 Well, yes, it seems to me, with the pace of modern life being what it is, 143 00:07:16,727 --> 00:07:19,241 most people just haven't got time to spend on long poems. 144 00:07:19,327 --> 00:07:21,716 Therefore, this is something that would ideally suit 145 00:07:21,807 --> 00:07:23,923 the short-haul commuter or the busy housewife 146 00:07:24,007 --> 00:07:27,204 and leave plenty of time over for other sporting and leisure activities. 147 00:07:27,287 --> 00:07:30,006 -Well, that represents quite a boon. -Oh, an enormous boon. 148 00:07:30,087 --> 00:07:32,840 Well, we're always on the lookout for enormous boons. 149 00:07:33,767 --> 00:07:36,645 -Is it perfectly safe? -Oh, it's absolutely safe. 150 00:07:36,727 --> 00:07:39,287 Yes, this is a poem you can leave around the house in absolute confidence. 151 00:07:39,367 --> 00:07:41,801 Presumably, though, there must be shorter poems than that. 152 00:07:41,887 --> 00:07:43,115 -Oh, good heavens, yes. -Good heavens, yes? 153 00:07:43,207 --> 00:07:44,606 -Good heavens, yes. -Oh. 154 00:07:44,687 --> 00:07:48,396 There's a poem by Richard Maddox called Institutions which I can read for you if you like? 155 00:07:48,487 --> 00:07:49,966 -Please. -Right. 156 00:07:51,247 --> 00:07:52,521 “Li.” 157 00:07:54,127 --> 00:07:56,083 -That is short. -It's very short. Yes. 158 00:07:56,167 --> 00:07:57,805 -Too short, perhaps? -Possibly. 159 00:07:57,887 --> 00:08:00,765 Nonetheless, it might suit, say, the very busy senior executive 160 00:08:00,847 --> 00:08:03,202 who's only got a few moments to snatch between meetings and so on. 161 00:08:03,287 --> 00:08:05,323 Well, that of course is the market that Maddox was aiming for. 162 00:08:05,407 --> 00:08:08,444 Right. Now, round about this time, a lot of people are starting to think 163 00:08:08,527 --> 00:08:10,165 about going on summer holidays. 164 00:08:10,247 --> 00:08:13,956 Do you have any advice as to the kind of poems that might be suitable, say, 165 00:08:14,047 --> 00:08:17,323 for a family about to embark on a budget-bargain break weekend, 166 00:08:17,407 --> 00:08:19,318 fortnight getaway day now? 167 00:08:20,727 --> 00:08:24,561 Well, can I first of all issue a warning to any family 168 00:08:24,647 --> 00:08:26,638 planning to take poetry on holiday with them? 169 00:08:26,727 --> 00:08:28,365 -And that warning is? -Be careful. 170 00:08:28,447 --> 00:08:29,960 Oh, that sounds like good advice. 171 00:08:30,047 --> 00:08:34,325 Check with your travel agent to see if there are specific customs regulations regarding poetry 172 00:08:34,407 --> 00:08:37,080 and if you're travelling outside the EEC, wrap up warm. 173 00:08:37,167 --> 00:08:38,236 Right. 174 00:08:38,327 --> 00:08:41,558 Do you have any particular advice on how to carry poetry abroad? 175 00:08:41,647 --> 00:08:44,639 Ah, yes, now, I would say it's definitely worth investing 176 00:08:44,727 --> 00:08:47,116 in a proper travelling poetry bag. 177 00:08:47,207 --> 00:08:49,118 -A travelling poetry bag? -A travelling poetry bag. 178 00:08:49,207 --> 00:08:52,358 Yes, you can get one of these at most big high street travelling poetry bag shops. 179 00:08:54,447 --> 00:08:57,723 Right. Now, I believe you've got one more poem that you're going to read to us 180 00:08:57,807 --> 00:09:00,037 -before you go away from here. -That's right. 181 00:09:00,887 --> 00:09:05,563 This is called The Rest of My Life and it's by TP Mitchell. 182 00:09:05,647 --> 00:09:08,286 -The TP Mitchell? -No, a TP Mitchell. 183 00:09:09,447 --> 00:09:11,677 This is quite solid but without being too heavy. 184 00:09:11,767 --> 00:09:14,281 I think it's quite stylish, it's quite reader-friendly. 185 00:09:14,367 --> 00:09:16,244 All right. So that might suit, say, a young couple 186 00:09:16,327 --> 00:09:19,558 just about to start out in the catering business in the North Wales area? 187 00:09:19,647 --> 00:09:21,160 Perfect. 188 00:09:21,247 --> 00:09:23,442 “Forward and back Said the old man in the dance 189 00:09:23,527 --> 00:09:25,995 “As he whittled away at his stick Long gone, long gone 190 00:09:26,087 --> 00:09:28,442 “Without a glance To the entrance made of brick.” 191 00:09:28,727 --> 00:09:30,797 -Thank you. -That's all right. 192 00:09:31,847 --> 00:09:32,962 Uh… 193 00:09:34,287 --> 00:09:38,166 I don't think anyone here can fail to be alarmed 194 00:09:38,607 --> 00:09:41,121 by what's happening to our young people. 195 00:09:41,647 --> 00:09:46,641 I'm thinking here of crime, of drug addiction, of easy sex, 196 00:09:46,927 --> 00:09:50,806 of all the vices that can destroy a young person's life. 197 00:09:51,567 --> 00:09:55,116 And I believe we must look to the schools to tackle this problem. 198 00:09:55,967 --> 00:09:58,083 Schools must help youngsters 199 00:09:58,167 --> 00:10:01,557 to develop a sense of decent, civilised behaviour. 200 00:10:02,447 --> 00:10:04,756 Because everyone must surely agree 201 00:10:04,847 --> 00:10:08,317 that decent, civilised behaviour is every bit as important 202 00:10:08,687 --> 00:10:12,157 as being able to subtract or take away. 203 00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:18,677 Basically, the plain and simple purpose of education 204 00:10:19,167 --> 00:10:24,116 must be to teach children, young people, not, I repeat, not… 205 00:10:24,767 --> 00:10:26,485 to break into my car. 206 00:10:28,767 --> 00:10:33,158 There will be other aspects to education, I'm sure, 207 00:10:33,247 --> 00:10:38,275 but the most fundamental principle of decent, civilised behaviour is 208 00:10:38,927 --> 00:10:41,202 don't break into my car. 209 00:10:42,927 --> 00:10:46,317 Of course, I am concerned that young people 210 00:10:46,407 --> 00:10:49,205 shouldn't break into other people's cars, too. 211 00:10:49,727 --> 00:10:53,925 But I think that's more of an ethical question and not really the province of government. 212 00:10:55,367 --> 00:11:00,361 The most important thing is that they don't break into my car. 213 00:11:01,527 --> 00:11:05,839 And, of course, we must look to the courts to sanction this principle. 214 00:11:06,407 --> 00:11:10,685 Community service, such a favourite with magistrates in recent years, 215 00:11:11,447 --> 00:11:15,486 shouldn't be a matter of simply scrubbing graffiti off a few lavatory walls. 216 00:11:16,047 --> 00:11:20,643 Young offenders must expect a short, sharp lesson 217 00:11:20,727 --> 00:11:23,685 in replacing the nearside window of my car. 218 00:11:25,407 --> 00:11:29,719 Because leaving my bloody car alone is what this government means 219 00:11:30,167 --> 00:11:32,761 by decent, civilised behaviour. 220 00:11:33,607 --> 00:11:34,642 Thank you. 221 00:11:35,087 --> 00:11:37,282 Well, it only takes about 10 minutes, apparently, 222 00:11:37,367 --> 00:11:39,597 and when you come out, you look exactly like Keith Harris. 223 00:11:41,327 --> 00:11:44,876 They don't feather up so… so easily. 224 00:11:45,207 --> 00:11:48,643 It's very hard to undo it, though, so you have to be absolutely sure. 225 00:11:49,687 --> 00:11:51,757 So you'd like to join the SAS? 226 00:11:53,887 --> 00:11:55,605 -Not really. -Not really? 227 00:11:56,167 --> 00:11:58,965 -Well, yes, all right. -That's better. So, height? 228 00:11:59,687 --> 00:12:01,723 -9′ 6″. -9′ 6″. 229 00:12:01,967 --> 00:12:03,446 -Weight? -Three tons. 230 00:12:04,127 --> 00:12:05,685 -Really? -Well, a bit over. 231 00:12:05,767 --> 00:12:07,405 That's better. A bit over three tons. 232 00:12:07,487 --> 00:12:10,923 It's as well to be accurate on these matters. Saves complications later on. 233 00:12:11,007 --> 00:12:13,157 All right. Do you have any particular disabilities? 234 00:12:13,247 --> 00:12:16,398 -I've got no sense of taste. -Uh-huh. What, in films? Music? 235 00:12:16,487 --> 00:12:19,718 -Food. I can't taste food. -Oh, dear, that might be a bit of a problem. 236 00:12:19,807 --> 00:12:22,799 -Might that be a bit of a problem? -I just said it might be a bit of a problem. 237 00:12:22,887 --> 00:12:25,526 Never mind. Pressing on. Special skills of any kind? 238 00:12:25,887 --> 00:12:27,639 -I look good in black. -Excellent. 239 00:12:29,647 --> 00:12:31,478 -How old are you? -Ten and a half. 240 00:12:32,487 --> 00:12:34,000 -Shoe size? -28. 241 00:12:34,527 --> 00:12:35,846 Any particular quirks? 242 00:12:35,967 --> 00:12:38,561 Yes. I keep muddling up my shoe size and my height. 243 00:12:40,407 --> 00:12:43,205 I mean, my height and my shoe size. There, I've done it again. 244 00:12:43,287 --> 00:12:45,596 All right, all right. Are you good at small talk? 245 00:12:45,687 --> 00:12:47,166 -What, weather and traffic? -That sort of thing. 246 00:12:47,247 --> 00:12:49,715 -Yeah. I can hold my end up. -Splendid. Splendid. 247 00:12:49,807 --> 00:12:51,923 How much do you know about the SAS? 248 00:12:52,007 --> 00:12:53,918 -Well, not much, really. -Not really. Right. 249 00:12:54,007 --> 00:12:55,679 Well, the SAS was originally founded 250 00:12:55,767 --> 00:12:59,680 to be a crack secret, elite secret and crack assault force 251 00:12:59,767 --> 00:13:02,839 -to work behind enemy lines during World War II. -Right. 252 00:13:02,927 --> 00:13:06,283 Now, our role has changed substantially since that time. 253 00:13:06,407 --> 00:13:08,875 Now we are here primarily to act as a masturbatory aid 254 00:13:08,967 --> 00:13:10,605 for various backbench MPs. 255 00:13:12,087 --> 00:13:13,236 I see. 256 00:13:13,327 --> 00:13:16,524 Yes, I'm afraid so. You see, it seems a lot of today's parliamentarians 257 00:13:16,607 --> 00:13:18,996 are quite unable to achieve sexual gratification 258 00:13:19,087 --> 00:13:21,726 without fantasising about the SAS, you see. 259 00:13:22,567 --> 00:13:25,206 So we have to go about the place being crack secret, 260 00:13:25,287 --> 00:13:28,563 and assaulting and secret and crack all the time, and as elite as possible 261 00:13:28,647 --> 00:13:31,605 just so these people can keep their marriages intact. 262 00:13:31,687 --> 00:13:33,882 -Doesn't sound very exciting. -No. 263 00:13:33,967 --> 00:13:37,084 -You got anything else on your cards? -Um… 264 00:13:37,167 --> 00:13:39,761 Well, we are looking for someone to go through that door there. 265 00:13:39,847 --> 00:13:41,246 -Which door where? -That one, there. 266 00:13:41,327 --> 00:13:42,601 Oh. 267 00:13:48,527 --> 00:13:50,597 -Yes? -Hello. Yes, I've just been looking for 268 00:13:50,687 --> 00:13:54,077 a particular book in the sports section and it doesn't seem to be there. 269 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,885 It's by Ted Cunterblast 270 00:13:56,047 --> 00:14:00,757 and I think it's called The West Indies: A Nation of Cricketers. 271 00:14:01,647 --> 00:14:03,444 That'll be in the sports section. 272 00:14:04,607 --> 00:14:07,519 Yes, I've just tried that and it doesn't seem to be there. 273 00:14:08,767 --> 00:14:10,962 -Who's it by? -Ted Cunterblast. 274 00:14:14,967 --> 00:14:17,959 -The West Indies: A Nation of Cricketers? -That's the one. 275 00:14:18,047 --> 00:14:19,685 It's by Ted Cunterblast. 276 00:14:20,287 --> 00:14:23,085 Yes, yeah, I know that. But have you got it? 277 00:14:23,167 --> 00:14:24,885 Well, apparently. 278 00:14:25,807 --> 00:14:27,559 Oh, thanks very much. 279 00:14:31,687 --> 00:14:33,598 There are some bits missing. 280 00:14:33,687 --> 00:14:36,326 -Have you read the book before? -No. 281 00:14:36,407 --> 00:14:39,001 Then how do you know there are bits missing? 282 00:14:39,367 --> 00:14:41,164 Is there a problem, sir? 283 00:14:42,407 --> 00:14:44,159 Yes, this book is incomplete. 284 00:14:45,447 --> 00:14:47,085 I think not, sir. 285 00:14:48,287 --> 00:14:49,640 I beg your pardon? 286 00:14:49,727 --> 00:14:51,445 What you have in your hands is a copy of 287 00:14:51,527 --> 00:14:54,025 The West Indians: A Nation of Cricketers by Ted Cunterblast 288 00:14:54,225 --> 00:14:55,507 precisely as it was delivered to us. 289 00:14:55,807 --> 00:14:57,957 Well, that's what I said, I told him that. 290 00:14:58,047 --> 00:15:00,163 No, no, wait a minute. Look at this. Look at this. 291 00:15:00,247 --> 00:15:02,238 “The West Indies aren't… 292 00:15:02,327 --> 00:15:03,999 “much good… 293 00:15:04,087 --> 00:15:05,361 “at cricket.” 294 00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:09,716 That's all it says. That's the whole book. 295 00:15:10,287 --> 00:15:13,404 -Did you enjoy it, sir? -No, I did not. 296 00:15:13,487 --> 00:15:17,275 This book is supposed to contain an account of the last five test series against England. 297 00:15:17,367 --> 00:15:20,677 All it says is, “The West Indies aren't much good at cricket.” 298 00:15:20,767 --> 00:15:24,282 -I envy you, sir. I can never read a book twice. -Neither can I. 299 00:15:24,367 --> 00:15:26,801 -Makes me giddy. -Where's the rest of it? 300 00:15:26,887 --> 00:15:28,286 -The rest of what? -Of this book. 301 00:15:28,367 --> 00:15:31,484 -Apart from everything else, it isn't true. -Oh, ha ha! Not true? 302 00:15:31,567 --> 00:15:33,046 -Isn't it, sir? -No! 303 00:15:33,127 --> 00:15:36,358 We haven't won a test series against the West Indies for 14 years. 304 00:15:36,447 --> 00:15:38,165 Now there, I'm afraid, I must take issue with you, sir. 305 00:15:38,247 --> 00:15:40,283 Oh, go on, Mr Twee, take issue with him. 306 00:15:41,167 --> 00:15:43,965 England has not lost a game of cricket since the war. 307 00:15:44,367 --> 00:15:47,325 -I beg your pardon? -Even I know that. 308 00:15:47,567 --> 00:15:49,603 We do have copies of Wisden if you'd like to check. 309 00:15:49,687 --> 00:15:51,598 Yes, all right. Let's see them, come on. 310 00:15:51,687 --> 00:15:52,915 Mrs Pert? 311 00:15:59,367 --> 00:16:00,846 “England is great 312 00:16:00,927 --> 00:16:04,237 “and much better than any other country in the world.” 313 00:16:05,407 --> 00:16:06,635 -You see? -This is ridiculous. 314 00:16:06,727 --> 00:16:08,319 Oh, it's ridiculous, is it? 315 00:16:08,407 --> 00:16:11,444 It doesn't agree with his pet theories so it's ridiculous. 316 00:16:11,527 --> 00:16:13,199 Thank you, Mrs Pert. Sir. 317 00:16:14,007 --> 00:16:17,761 I am a librarian. But I'm also an Englishman. 318 00:16:17,847 --> 00:16:18,962 To be blunt, 319 00:16:19,047 --> 00:16:22,005 I'm an Englishman who merely happens to be a librarian. 320 00:16:22,087 --> 00:16:24,999 If, God forbid, the day should come when I would have to choose 321 00:16:25,087 --> 00:16:26,964 between being a librarian and being an Englishman… 322 00:16:27,047 --> 00:16:28,400 Yes, yes, I think I get the idea, yeah. 323 00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:31,445 Good. Because may I say that I find your continued efforts 324 00:16:31,527 --> 00:16:35,281 to drag down and smear this country of ours to be frankly disgusting. 325 00:16:35,367 --> 00:16:37,403 I'm not trying to smear and drag down anybody. 326 00:16:37,487 --> 00:16:41,082 I suppose you'd rather read books about England losing at cricket than winning, wouldn't you? 327 00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:42,680 Well, yes, if it's true. 328 00:16:43,487 --> 00:16:45,318 Then I feel sorry for you. 329 00:16:46,247 --> 00:16:49,319 -He's a knocker, that's what he is. -I agree with you, Mrs Pert. 330 00:16:49,407 --> 00:16:54,356 Oh, it's very easy to knock, isn't it? You with your snide university ways. 331 00:16:55,247 --> 00:16:58,842 -Snide University? -Or wherever it is you went. 332 00:17:00,207 --> 00:17:04,120 So often these days, sir, we see, don't we, these so-called clever people 333 00:17:04,207 --> 00:17:06,516 who just can't wait to tear down and destroy. 334 00:17:06,607 --> 00:17:07,881 -And knock. -And knock, yes. 335 00:17:07,967 --> 00:17:11,084 But do they ever have anything to put in the place of things that they destroy? No. 336 00:17:11,167 --> 00:17:12,486 It's wanton destruction. 337 00:17:12,567 --> 00:17:14,922 -Nothing offered… -Well, yes, it's a bit of an exaggeration, 338 00:17:15,007 --> 00:17:18,283 but sometimes you really have to wonder what's happening to this country, you do. 339 00:17:19,567 --> 00:17:24,482 Well, I started on the piano. Then I moved up onto the mantelpiece. 340 00:17:25,967 --> 00:17:27,639 Now, Mr Nude, you claim… 341 00:17:27,727 --> 00:17:31,197 That's right. Yes, I do claim. I do indeed claim. Yes, that's right. 342 00:17:31,607 --> 00:17:35,202 Yes, you claim to be able to bend spoons using psychic energy. 343 00:17:35,287 --> 00:17:39,838 Psychic energy. Yes, that is the method I have chosen to bend spoons with. Yes, that's right. 344 00:17:39,927 --> 00:17:42,725 -How long have you had this ability? -How long exactly, yes. 345 00:17:42,807 --> 00:17:45,765 That's absolutely correct. How long, yes, indeed. 346 00:17:45,847 --> 00:17:46,996 Well? 347 00:17:47,087 --> 00:17:50,602 Thank you, you are very sympathetic. Sometimes it's difficult when people are not sympathetic 348 00:17:50,687 --> 00:17:52,484 but you are sympathetic. Thank you. 349 00:17:52,567 --> 00:17:55,365 Yes. Can you do other things with spoons apart from bend them? 350 00:17:55,447 --> 00:17:57,517 -I can do anything with a spoon. -Really? 351 00:17:57,607 --> 00:18:00,519 Yes. You give me a spoon and I'll give you the whole world. 352 00:18:01,367 --> 00:18:03,085 Well, that's an impressive claim, certainly. 353 00:18:03,167 --> 00:18:04,361 -Thank you. -Thank you. 354 00:18:04,447 --> 00:18:05,926 -No, thank you. -Right. 355 00:18:06,007 --> 00:18:09,283 Well, um… We have a selection of spoons here. 356 00:18:09,367 --> 00:18:11,597 I wonder if you'd care to give us a demonstration. 357 00:18:11,687 --> 00:18:14,485 -I'm not a freak, you know. -Yes. I realise that. 358 00:18:14,567 --> 00:18:17,035 Some people think that I am some kind of a circus freak. I'm not a freak. 359 00:18:17,127 --> 00:18:18,446 No, no, I'm sure no one here… 360 00:18:18,527 --> 00:18:21,678 “Freak!” they sometimes shout at me when I'm walking down the street. 361 00:18:21,767 --> 00:18:22,916 But I'm no freak. 362 00:18:23,007 --> 00:18:24,725 -That must be rather distressing. -Yes, it is. 363 00:18:24,807 --> 00:18:26,638 Thank you, you're very sympathetic. Yes, thank you. 364 00:18:26,727 --> 00:18:28,206 Right. Um, I… 365 00:18:28,287 --> 00:18:31,484 -Would you care to have a go? -Yes, I will bend the spoon now, yes, I will. 366 00:18:31,567 --> 00:18:34,957 Right. Well, ladies and gentlemen, Mr Nude is now going to bend this spoon 367 00:18:35,047 --> 00:18:36,526 using psychic energy. 368 00:18:36,607 --> 00:18:39,565 Yes, now is when I'm going to bend. I'm going to bend the spoon now. 369 00:18:39,647 --> 00:18:41,638 -Right. Go ahead. -Right. 370 00:18:47,167 --> 00:18:50,637 I don't know if your cameras can get in close to see what has happened here, 371 00:18:50,727 --> 00:18:53,366 but the spoon is very bent. If I show you an ordinary spoon, 372 00:18:53,447 --> 00:18:57,486 you can see that this is now, it's extremely bent, there you go. 373 00:18:58,607 --> 00:19:00,916 Well, the spoon is certainly bent. 374 00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:04,841 Of course it is, of course it is bent. I bent it so of course it is bent. 375 00:19:05,287 --> 00:19:06,925 Yes, that much is clear and beyond argument. 376 00:19:07,007 --> 00:19:10,716 No, forgive me, I am very tired now. It is very tiring for me to bend spoons 377 00:19:10,807 --> 00:19:12,763 and I've bent too many spoons today. 378 00:19:12,847 --> 00:19:14,997 -How many spoons… -I bent four spoons today. 379 00:19:15,087 --> 00:19:17,999 It's too many, you know. I'm not a circus freak. I'm a human being. 380 00:19:18,127 --> 00:19:21,039 -Yes. Forgive me, Mr Nude… -Of course. 381 00:19:21,127 --> 00:19:23,641 -Yes, thank you. -No, thank you. 382 00:19:23,727 --> 00:19:28,198 But from where I was sitting, it did rather look as if you bent that spoon with your hand. 383 00:19:28,287 --> 00:19:30,642 -What are you saying? -Simply that… 384 00:19:30,727 --> 00:19:32,479 -What is this? -It's a bent spoon. 385 00:19:32,567 --> 00:19:34,080 A bent spoon. Yes, so there. 386 00:19:34,167 --> 00:19:36,840 Yeah, but the question is, how did it become bent? 387 00:19:36,927 --> 00:19:39,964 You know, I'm not so sure that I like you as much now. 388 00:19:40,047 --> 00:19:42,880 I think maybe you're not so sympathetic after all. Maybe. 389 00:19:42,967 --> 00:19:46,642 Are you sure it isn't “fraud” that people shout at you in the streets? 390 00:19:46,727 --> 00:19:47,762 Oh. 391 00:19:47,847 --> 00:19:51,237 Now, hey, look, mister, it is you who made the claims. 392 00:19:51,367 --> 00:19:53,403 You know, I bend spoons with psychic energy, 393 00:19:53,487 --> 00:19:57,036 I never claimed to able to bend them with my hands. That is your claim. 394 00:19:57,127 --> 00:19:58,685 Well, you certainly did bend it with your hand. 395 00:19:58,767 --> 00:20:03,238 Yeah, well, yes, maybe the psychic energy does flow through my hands. 396 00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:07,206 -But the fact is that the spoon is bent. Hmm? -Well, I can bend spoons with my hands. 397 00:20:07,287 --> 00:20:09,357 I never claimed that my powers were unique. 398 00:20:09,447 --> 00:20:12,086 Always I stress that anybody can bend a spoon. 399 00:20:12,167 --> 00:20:14,476 And my book is not expensive, by the way. 400 00:20:15,687 --> 00:20:16,836 There. 401 00:20:16,927 --> 00:20:17,996 You see? 402 00:20:18,087 --> 00:20:22,797 You know, it just amazes me that I ever thought that you were sympathetic, you know. 403 00:20:22,887 --> 00:20:25,526 Because I now know that you're not sympathetic at all. 404 00:20:25,607 --> 00:20:29,395 And do you know what I have in here now? The beginnings of hatred for you. Yes. 405 00:20:29,487 --> 00:20:31,603 Well, next week we shall be examining the claims of… 406 00:20:31,687 --> 00:20:34,201 If viewers in the Matlock and Buxton areas of Derbyshire 407 00:20:34,287 --> 00:20:37,279 would like to check their cutlery drawers, they will find a bent spoon 408 00:20:37,367 --> 00:20:39,437 and an unused Weetabix special offer coupon. 409 00:20:39,527 --> 00:20:42,678 Also, I can reveal that viewers in the town of Datchet over the age of 14 410 00:20:42,767 --> 00:20:45,998 have a slight itch on their right thigh which they are scratching as I speak. 411 00:20:46,087 --> 00:20:47,440 Good night. 412 00:20:47,527 --> 00:20:48,960 Parper, parper… 413 00:20:49,687 --> 00:20:51,279 I haven't done this for ages. 414 00:20:52,207 --> 00:20:53,845 I wouldn't suck it. 415 00:20:55,367 --> 00:20:58,996 Um, ladies and gentlemen, we were going to be doing a sketch for you at this point. 416 00:20:59,087 --> 00:21:00,440 But we're not now. 417 00:21:00,527 --> 00:21:02,677 Yes, we're not going to be doing it now. 418 00:21:02,767 --> 00:21:04,917 -Or ever. -Or ever. Probably. 419 00:21:05,007 --> 00:21:07,885 Unless this country radically changes direction. 420 00:21:08,727 --> 00:21:10,206 Which looks unlikely. 421 00:21:10,287 --> 00:21:12,596 Which, on the face of it, does seem to be unlikely. 422 00:21:12,687 --> 00:21:14,962 The reason we're not gonna be doing this sketch is that 423 00:21:15,047 --> 00:21:17,925 it is a sketch which contains a great deal of sex and violence. 424 00:21:18,007 --> 00:21:19,440 A great deal. 425 00:21:19,527 --> 00:21:22,360 Yes. Lots of sex. Lots of violence. 426 00:21:22,447 --> 00:21:26,838 During the course of this sketch, Stephen hits me several times with a golf club. 427 00:21:27,167 --> 00:21:30,239 Which, in the ordinary course of events, of course, wouldn't matter, 428 00:21:30,327 --> 00:21:32,477 except that I do it very sexily. 429 00:21:33,407 --> 00:21:37,923 This is it, you see. He does it so sexily, I just wish you could see it. I really do. 430 00:21:38,887 --> 00:21:41,685 And the sketch ends with us going to bed together. 431 00:21:43,407 --> 00:21:44,760 Violently. 432 00:21:46,287 --> 00:21:48,005 Very, very violently. 433 00:21:49,327 --> 00:21:51,238 Now, this raises problems. 434 00:21:51,687 --> 00:21:53,405 -Not for me. -No. 435 00:21:54,327 --> 00:21:58,923 Nor indeed, nor indeed for me, but Sir William, now Lord, Rees-Mogg, 436 00:21:59,007 --> 00:22:02,044 the chairman of the Broadcasting Standards Council, 437 00:22:02,127 --> 00:22:04,641 has seen our sketch and he didn't like it one bit. 438 00:22:05,567 --> 00:22:07,046 Well, he liked it one bit. 439 00:22:07,127 --> 00:22:10,403 He liked it one bit but he didn't like it lots of other bits. 440 00:22:11,927 --> 00:22:14,282 Now, we wouldn't want you to run off to Cornwall with the idea 441 00:22:14,367 --> 00:22:16,961 that Sir William's remit with the Broadcasting Standards Council 442 00:22:17,047 --> 00:22:20,722 is so sweeping as to be a kind of government thought police. 443 00:22:20,807 --> 00:22:24,322 No, no. The concern, as always, is primarily for standards. 444 00:22:24,407 --> 00:22:26,363 -Standards. -Standards. 445 00:22:26,447 --> 00:22:28,085 For the sake of our children. 446 00:22:28,167 --> 00:22:33,366 And so, in a generous spirit of give and take, Sir William has taken our sketch. 447 00:22:33,727 --> 00:22:35,399 And we have given it to him. 448 00:22:36,087 --> 00:22:38,203 And he's written another one for us to do instead 449 00:22:38,287 --> 00:22:41,359 which is completely free of gratuitous sex and violence. 450 00:22:41,447 --> 00:22:44,007 And shows due and proper regard for decency 451 00:22:44,087 --> 00:22:45,839 -and standards. -Standards. 452 00:22:45,927 --> 00:22:48,521 Promoting family values and protecting our children. 453 00:22:48,607 --> 00:22:52,805 Sir William has called his sketch quite simply, “Bitchmother, Come Light My Bottom.” 454 00:22:56,647 --> 00:22:58,797 And we're gonna do it for you now. 455 00:22:58,887 --> 00:23:03,563 So, Bitchmother, Come Light My Bottom, by Sir William, now Lord, Rees-Mogg. 456 00:23:09,487 --> 00:23:11,000 -Good morning, sir. -Morning. 457 00:23:11,087 --> 00:23:13,806 Yes, indeed, sir, it is a good morning. 458 00:23:13,887 --> 00:23:17,436 I do believe we are in for a spell, as they used to say in the music halls. 459 00:23:17,727 --> 00:23:20,366 Not too hot, but not too mild neither. 460 00:23:20,447 --> 00:23:21,516 Hmm. 461 00:23:22,407 --> 00:23:25,444 Re the weekend just past, sir, 462 00:23:25,527 --> 00:23:28,883 may I enquire as to whether sir was in receipt of an enjoyableness, 463 00:23:28,967 --> 00:23:32,437 or did events prove themselves to be of an otherwise nature? 464 00:23:32,527 --> 00:23:35,599 -No, very pleasant, thank you. -Very pleasant, thank you. 465 00:23:35,687 --> 00:23:37,040 Thank you, sir. 466 00:23:38,287 --> 00:23:43,202 Then might I take it, sir, that for that period, you were not within 467 00:23:43,687 --> 00:23:47,362 the boundaries of Lincolnshire where, I understand, it rained like a bitch? 468 00:23:49,127 --> 00:23:50,958 No, I was nowhere near Lincolnshire. 469 00:23:51,047 --> 00:23:54,960 Sir, I am uplifted to hear such news. 470 00:23:55,407 --> 00:23:57,762 No, my wife and I spent the weekend in Hull. 471 00:24:02,167 --> 00:24:04,397 -Sir is married? -Yes. 472 00:24:04,847 --> 00:24:06,519 I had literally no idea. 473 00:24:07,767 --> 00:24:08,882 Well, never mind. 474 00:24:08,967 --> 00:24:13,199 Sir, my remissness in failing to felicitate sir upon the joyousness in good tidings 475 00:24:13,287 --> 00:24:16,165 is something I fear I shall have to live with for the rest of my life. 476 00:24:16,247 --> 00:24:17,566 Now to business. 477 00:24:17,647 --> 00:24:20,798 Being one of the shrewdest sirs who has ever swum into my purview, 478 00:24:20,887 --> 00:24:22,798 may I take it that sir is keen to exploit 479 00:24:22,887 --> 00:24:25,959 the financial and social advantages inherent in having a haircut? 480 00:24:26,047 --> 00:24:30,086 -A haircut, that's right, yes. -Of course. A hair cut is a hair enhanced. 481 00:24:30,167 --> 00:24:33,876 If sir will entirely fail to slash my throatlet for being so old. 482 00:24:33,967 --> 00:24:36,356 Now sir, the hair in question is? 483 00:24:36,887 --> 00:24:39,685 -What? -The hair currently under advisement belongs to? 484 00:24:39,767 --> 00:24:41,439 -What do you mean? -What do I mean? 485 00:24:41,527 --> 00:24:42,721 Yes. 486 00:24:42,807 --> 00:24:45,116 Sir, I sneak myself towards the suspicion 487 00:24:45,207 --> 00:24:48,563 that sir has cast me as the mouse in his ever popular cat drama. 488 00:24:51,607 --> 00:24:53,325 It's my hair. I want you to cut my hair. 489 00:24:53,407 --> 00:24:54,635 -Your hair? -Yes. 490 00:24:54,727 --> 00:24:58,037 So your own hair is the hair upon which this entire transaction is to be founded. 491 00:24:58,127 --> 00:25:02,405 Well, of course. Why would I come in here to get you to cut someone else's hair? 492 00:25:02,487 --> 00:25:05,001 Sir, please set fire to my legs if you think I'm trying to make 493 00:25:05,087 --> 00:25:09,842 haircutting sound more romantic and glamorous than it really is, 494 00:25:09,927 --> 00:25:13,636 but believe me when I tell you that in my position, one cannot be too careful. 495 00:25:13,727 --> 00:25:15,957 -Really? -Yes, indeed, sir. 496 00:25:16,047 --> 00:25:17,639 Once, and once only, 497 00:25:17,727 --> 00:25:20,639 have I had to cut the hair of a gentleman against his will. 498 00:25:20,727 --> 00:25:24,197 And believe me when I tell you that it was both difficult and impossible. 499 00:25:25,687 --> 00:25:27,166 Well, it's my hair. 500 00:25:27,247 --> 00:25:28,521 -Your hair? -Yes. 501 00:25:28,607 --> 00:25:33,158 Now, sir, we proceed to that most important of stages. 502 00:25:33,607 --> 00:25:35,120 Which one? 503 00:25:36,887 --> 00:25:38,206 Which one what? 504 00:25:38,287 --> 00:25:41,757 Which of the manifold hairs upon sir's crisp and twinkling headage 505 00:25:42,567 --> 00:25:45,365 would sir like to place in my professional care 506 00:25:45,447 --> 00:25:47,563 for the purposes of securing an encutment? 507 00:25:48,007 --> 00:25:49,281 All of them. 508 00:25:49,367 --> 00:25:50,720 -All of them? -Yes. 509 00:25:50,807 --> 00:25:53,640 -Sir is entirely sure? -Of course I'm sure. What's the matter with you? 510 00:25:53,727 --> 00:25:56,685 Sir, I seek not to question the profoundness of sir's wonder, 511 00:25:56,767 --> 00:26:00,760 merely to express my own humbleness at the prospect of so magnificent a charge. 512 00:26:00,847 --> 00:26:03,122 No. Well, all of them. 513 00:26:03,207 --> 00:26:04,925 -All of them? All of them? -Yes. Yes. 514 00:26:05,007 --> 00:26:06,486 -My word! -Is that a problem? 515 00:26:06,567 --> 00:26:09,479 No, indeed, sir. No, indeed, sir. Not a problem, sir. 516 00:26:09,567 --> 00:26:12,684 So far from being a problem, sir, as you would not believe. 517 00:26:13,327 --> 00:26:15,283 I merely hope that sir can take time off 518 00:26:15,367 --> 00:26:17,927 from what I know is a very hectic schedule to appreciate 519 00:26:18,007 --> 00:26:20,441 that for me to cut all the hairs on sir's head 520 00:26:20,527 --> 00:26:23,200 represents the snow-capped summit of a barber's career. 521 00:26:24,247 --> 00:26:28,001 -Well, you've done it before, haven't you? -Oh, yes, indeed, sir. 522 00:26:28,127 --> 00:26:31,915 Yes, I once cut all the hairs on a gentleman's head in Cairo shortly after the war, 523 00:26:32,007 --> 00:26:35,602 when the world was in uproar and to a young man, everything seemed possible. 524 00:26:35,687 --> 00:26:36,836 Once? 525 00:26:36,927 --> 00:26:40,363 It would be bootless to deny that I was a younger and better-looking barber then, 526 00:26:40,447 --> 00:26:44,122 but let's hope that the magic has not entirely disappeared up its own rabbit hole. 527 00:26:44,207 --> 00:26:46,243 -We shall see. We shall see. -Wait a minute. Wait… 528 00:26:46,327 --> 00:26:48,716 -Wait one cotton-picking minute here. -Sorry? 529 00:26:49,807 --> 00:26:53,083 You've cut someone's hair, all of it, that is, once since the war? 530 00:26:53,207 --> 00:26:57,598 Sir would prefer it if, in the sphere of total hair cuttation, I was to him a virgin? 531 00:26:57,687 --> 00:26:59,564 -I beg your pardon? -Yes. 532 00:26:59,647 --> 00:27:01,683 -That I can respect. -What? 533 00:27:01,767 --> 00:27:05,316 The desire that we should both of us embark upon this journey together as innocents. 534 00:27:05,407 --> 00:27:07,602 As wide-eyed travellers to a distant land, 535 00:27:07,687 --> 00:27:09,996 unknowing of our fate, careless of our destination, 536 00:27:10,087 --> 00:27:11,805 to emerge someday, somewhere 537 00:27:12,207 --> 00:27:17,235 bruised, sad, a little wiser perhaps, but ultimately and joyously alive. 538 00:27:18,607 --> 00:27:20,006 Goodbye. 539 00:27:22,007 --> 00:27:23,645 -Sir is leaving? -Yeah. 540 00:27:23,727 --> 00:27:26,605 May he favour me with an explanation as to the whyness? 541 00:27:26,687 --> 00:27:31,203 Because I don't believe you've got the faintest idea how you're gonna end this. 542 00:27:34,487 --> 00:27:37,638 -Sir could not be more wrong if he tried. -Oh, really? 543 00:27:37,767 --> 00:27:39,280 -Yes. -Well, go on, then. 544 00:27:39,367 --> 00:27:40,402 Um… 545 00:27:40,487 --> 00:27:43,206 -You see, you're completely stuck. -No, no. I can… I can… 546 00:27:43,287 --> 00:27:45,437 I can convincingly end this sketch in 45 seconds. 547 00:27:45,527 --> 00:27:47,404 -45 seconds? -45 seconds. 548 00:27:47,487 --> 00:27:49,000 All right, then, off you go. 549 00:27:49,087 --> 00:27:52,682 Um, if sir would care to resume the seatedness of his posture. 550 00:27:52,767 --> 00:27:54,439 Okey-dokey. 551 00:27:56,887 --> 00:27:59,447 May I assume that sir is close to the level of maximum comfort? 552 00:27:59,527 --> 00:28:00,880 40 seconds. 553 00:28:00,967 --> 00:28:04,164 Very good. Um, I shall just go and fetch the necessary tools. 554 00:28:08,687 --> 00:28:11,565 Oh, ha ha. It's gonna be a chainsaw or… 555 00:28:21,047 --> 00:28:23,083 Fucker. 556 00:28:24,047 --> 00:28:27,483 Well, I wouldn't say it would do you any harm, unless you suck it.