1
00:00:01,070 --> 00:00:01,844
No.

2
00:00:03,300 --> 00:00:04,529
Hello, how do you do?

3
00:00:31,976 --> 00:00:33,375
Oh, my…

4
00:00:33,456 --> 00:00:35,889
my wife wears the trousers.
No question, no question.

5
00:00:35,975 --> 00:00:39,046
But we're hoping to get
a second pair sometime later, you see.

6
00:00:39,334 --> 00:00:41,326
My ideal woman.

7
00:00:43,654 --> 00:00:45,486
Really, in a TR4.

8
00:00:46,654 --> 00:00:50,441
Lavatories. Love them or loathe them,
they're here to stay.

9
00:00:51,733 --> 00:00:54,247
We use them, we lavish our affection on them.

10
00:00:54,334 --> 00:00:55,924
We clean them, polish them.

11
00:00:56,013 --> 00:00:59,209
Some of us spend up to half our lives in them.

12
00:00:59,292 --> 00:01:03,410
We read specialist lavatory magazines,
spend money on the latest models

13
00:01:03,491 --> 00:01:06,722
with air conditioning,
stereos and two-speed wipers.

14
00:01:06,811 --> 00:01:09,086
Some of us even race them.

15
00:01:09,171 --> 00:01:11,480
-No, no, no, no.
-What?

16
00:01:11,571 --> 00:01:13,083
-Cars.
-Hmm?

17
00:01:13,170 --> 00:01:15,364
You mean cars, not lavatories.

18
00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:17,762
Oh, yes.

19
00:01:19,210 --> 00:01:20,358
Sorry.

20
00:01:20,449 --> 00:01:23,360
Cars. How much do we know about them?

21
00:01:23,489 --> 00:01:25,480
We sit in them once a day and trust them

22
00:01:25,569 --> 00:01:29,846
to carry our effluent away
safely, cleanly, efficiently.

23
00:01:29,967 --> 00:01:32,606
Whether they're porcelain,
plastic or fibreglass,

24
00:01:32,687 --> 00:01:34,167
lever or button flush…

25
00:01:34,247 --> 00:01:35,840
No, no, no, no, no.

26
00:01:35,927 --> 00:01:37,997
-Hmm?
-No, you… Lavatories.

27
00:01:38,086 --> 00:01:39,566
You mean lavatories.

28
00:01:40,047 --> 00:01:41,399
Oh, yes.

29
00:01:43,926 --> 00:01:47,201
The beginnings of the modern lavatory
were humble enough.

30
00:01:47,285 --> 00:01:50,596
In 1793, Johannes Krell of Leipzig

31
00:01:50,685 --> 00:01:54,724
constructed the first simple metal cabinet
using inert gases

32
00:01:54,805 --> 00:01:58,433
condensing to chill the cabinet
to three degrees centigrade.

33
00:01:58,804 --> 00:02:01,444
The first dew bin or salad crisper
started to appear…

34
00:02:01,524 --> 00:02:03,992
No, no, no, no, no.

35
00:02:04,763 --> 00:02:05,912
-Fridges.
-Huh?

36
00:02:06,003 --> 00:02:08,994
You mean fridges now.
You're talking about fridges.

37
00:02:12,761 --> 00:02:16,357
Fridges, like them or loathe them,
you can't ignore them.

38
00:02:16,522 --> 00:02:18,956
Everyone's talking about fridges.

39
00:02:19,042 --> 00:02:20,996
Whether you're buying or selling a property,

40
00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:23,719
sooner or later
you'll come in contact with a fridge.

41
00:02:23,801 --> 00:02:26,598
Their commission is an important part
of your house buying…

42
00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:30,069
-No, no, no, no, no.
-What?

43
00:02:30,640 --> 00:02:33,995
Estate agents.
You're talking about estate agents.

44
00:02:38,798 --> 00:02:42,872
Estate agents. You can't live with them,
you can't live with them.

45
00:02:46,237 --> 00:02:49,593
With their jangling keys,
nasty suits, revolting beards,

46
00:02:49,677 --> 00:02:51,793
moustaches and tinted spectacles,

47
00:02:51,877 --> 00:02:55,710
estate agents roam the land
causing perturbation and despair.

48
00:02:56,717 --> 00:02:59,753
If you try and kill them, you're put in prison.

49
00:03:00,075 --> 00:03:02,748
If you try and talk to them, you vomit.

50
00:03:03,715 --> 00:03:06,104
There's only one thing
worse than an estate agent,

51
00:03:06,195 --> 00:03:10,507
but that at least can be safely lanced,
drained and surgically dressed.

52
00:03:11,793 --> 00:03:16,310
Estate agents. Love them or loathe them,
you'd be mad not to loathe them.

53
00:03:17,154 --> 00:03:19,190
-Is that right?
-Yes, fine, fine.

54
00:03:20,433 --> 00:03:24,391
Simon Flituris, you saw that sketch.
I assume you were disappointed.

55
00:03:24,472 --> 00:03:26,270
Yes, I thought it was predictable, really.

56
00:03:26,352 --> 00:03:29,582
-You predicted it, did you?
-Yes, I predicted it. It's pretty predictable.

57
00:03:29,672 --> 00:03:32,232
Uh, I thought the choice of targets
was predictable.

58
00:03:32,312 --> 00:03:34,746
-Yeah, estate agents?
-Where?

59
00:03:34,832 --> 00:03:38,504
-The target of that last sketch was estate agents.
-Was it? I didn't really notice.

60
00:03:38,590 --> 00:03:41,104
I thought the choice of language
was also predictable.

61
00:03:41,190 --> 00:03:44,818
Yes, I think English was a sadly predictable
language to have chosen.

62
00:03:44,910 --> 00:03:48,026
-Which is a shame.
-It is a shame, especially if you don't speak it.

63
00:03:48,109 --> 00:03:50,101
A bigger shame if you do.

64
00:03:51,269 --> 00:03:52,497
But I suppose we predicted it.

65
00:03:52,589 --> 00:03:54,942
I suppose so.
Can you predict what the next sketch will be?

66
00:03:55,028 --> 00:03:57,496
Oh, a parody of Treasure Island, bound to be.

67
00:03:58,228 --> 00:04:02,699
So, Miss Talliot, you are seriously asking
the court to believe

68
00:04:03,227 --> 00:04:05,695
that on the 14th of November last year,

69
00:04:05,786 --> 00:04:08,016
the very night, I would remind the court,

70
00:04:08,107 --> 00:04:11,655
on which the crime that my client
is accused of committing took place,

71
00:04:11,746 --> 00:04:15,136
you just happened to be walking in the park.

72
00:04:15,226 --> 00:04:16,817
-That is correct.
-That is what?

73
00:04:16,905 --> 00:04:19,499
-Correct.
-Oh, it is correct, is it?

74
00:04:19,585 --> 00:04:23,817
I see. I wonder, Miss Talliot,
whether you were aware

75
00:04:23,905 --> 00:04:27,533
that the American novelist Gertrude Stein

76
00:04:27,624 --> 00:04:29,853
was a self-confessed lesbian.

77
00:04:31,623 --> 00:04:33,022
Well, I believe so.

78
00:04:33,103 --> 00:04:35,411
You believe so. Miss Talliot…

79
00:04:36,423 --> 00:04:40,973
Gertrude Stein remains one of the most
celebrated novelists of the 20th century.

80
00:04:41,183 --> 00:04:44,935
Her lesbotic tendencies are a matter
of public record.

81
00:04:45,021 --> 00:04:46,340
-Yes.
-Yes.

82
00:04:46,421 --> 00:04:50,016
But you only believe that she is a lesbian.

83
00:04:51,821 --> 00:04:54,619
Well, I've never really thought about it.

84
00:04:54,700 --> 00:04:58,248
-I've never read any of her works.
-Oh, come, come, Miss Talliot.

85
00:04:58,340 --> 00:05:02,810
There is, not two streets away from your flat,

86
00:05:02,898 --> 00:05:07,814
a bookshop where the works of Gertrude Stein
are openly on display.

87
00:05:08,338 --> 00:05:10,487
-Oh.
-Yes, oh.

88
00:05:11,657 --> 00:05:13,569
And you are asking this jury to believe

89
00:05:13,658 --> 00:05:16,047
that on the numerous occasions
upon which you must,

90
00:05:16,138 --> 00:05:19,288
during the course of your duties
as a woman, have passed this shop

91
00:05:19,376 --> 00:05:21,207
while shopping, for example,

92
00:05:21,296 --> 00:05:23,571
you have never entered its premises

93
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:27,614
and bought a single volume
by this openly lesbicious writer?

94
00:05:29,815 --> 00:05:34,523
Mr Foley, I'm afraid I really fail to see
where this line of questioning is leading us.

95
00:05:34,614 --> 00:05:37,731
Well, with Your Lordship's permission,
I am trying to establish

96
00:05:37,814 --> 00:05:40,089
that this witness has been guilty

97
00:05:40,174 --> 00:05:43,643
of weaving a transparent tissue of farragoes,

98
00:05:43,733 --> 00:05:45,690
a catalogue of litanies,

99
00:05:45,773 --> 00:05:48,970
and that far from being the respectable
president of a children's charity

100
00:05:49,053 --> 00:05:52,488
and ambassador's daughter that my learned
friend, the council for the prosecution

101
00:05:52,572 --> 00:05:54,927
would have us believe, she is, in fact,

102
00:05:55,012 --> 00:05:58,448
an active, promiscuous and voracious lesbite.

103
00:06:00,690 --> 00:06:02,043
I see, well, carry on.

104
00:06:02,131 --> 00:06:05,089
But, Mr Foley, I must warn you
that if you attempt to ballyrag

105
00:06:05,171 --> 00:06:07,923
or bulldoze this witness,
I shall take a very dim view of it.

106
00:06:08,011 --> 00:06:09,443
Your Lordship is most pretty.

107
00:06:09,530 --> 00:06:11,646
Very well, then. You may proceed.

108
00:06:12,530 --> 00:06:14,599
Are you aware, Miss Talliot…

109
00:06:14,689 --> 00:06:16,520
It's Mrs, actually.

110
00:06:16,609 --> 00:06:19,806
Oh, oh, I do beg your pardon.

111
00:06:20,329 --> 00:06:22,365
Oh, well, if you wish to
make such a meal of it,

112
00:06:22,449 --> 00:06:27,840
I, for one, shall certainly not
stand in your way, Mrs Talliot,
if that is how you prefer to be known.

113
00:06:27,927 --> 00:06:30,395
Well, it's how my husband
prefers me to be known.

114
00:06:30,487 --> 00:06:32,796
Ah, yes, your husband.

115
00:06:33,247 --> 00:06:35,966
-Your husband, the well-known bishop.
-Yes.

116
00:06:36,046 --> 00:06:40,642
Yes, a bishop in the religion, the Church of
England, I believe it calls itself,

117
00:06:40,726 --> 00:06:42,636
which owns land. Much land.

118
00:06:42,725 --> 00:06:44,556
Land on which houses have been built.

119
00:06:44,645 --> 00:06:47,284
Houses in which it is statistically probable

120
00:06:47,365 --> 00:06:51,198
that private acts of lesboid love
have been committed.

121
00:06:52,324 --> 00:06:56,237
Mr Foley, I feel that once again
I must rein you in.

122
00:06:56,524 --> 00:06:59,117
I myself am a member of this selfsame church.

123
00:06:59,203 --> 00:07:02,957
Are we to imply from the tenor of your thrusts
that I am a lesbian?

124
00:07:03,043 --> 00:07:05,761
-No, no, Your Lordship misunderstands me.
-Well, I hope so.

125
00:07:05,843 --> 00:07:07,433
I hope the day is very far distant

126
00:07:07,522 --> 00:07:11,116
on which I could ever be accused
of making love to a woman.

127
00:07:12,762 --> 00:07:15,151
I absolutely adore Your Lordship.

128
00:07:15,722 --> 00:07:19,633
Attraction to women, however repellent
as it may be to persons of sensibility,

129
00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:21,439
is not in itself a crime.

130
00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:24,511
No, I long to nestle
between Your Lordship's thighs.

131
00:07:25,039 --> 00:07:29,317
We must therefore remember, Mr Foley,
in our enthusiasm to get to this bottom,

132
00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:32,556
that Miss Talliot is not on trial.
She is a witness.

133
00:07:32,638 --> 00:07:36,631
However depraved and wicked her acts of lust,

134
00:07:36,718 --> 00:07:40,428
they, in all their disgusting
and depraved bestiality,

135
00:07:40,518 --> 00:07:43,748
are not in themselves
the subject of this assize.

136
00:07:44,357 --> 00:07:46,951
Your Lordship is adorable, m'lord.

137
00:07:47,036 --> 00:07:48,310
Very well. Proceed.

138
00:07:48,396 --> 00:07:52,514
Thank you, m'love.
Now, I do not propose, Miss Talliot,

139
00:07:52,596 --> 00:07:54,746
to burden the jury with any more details

140
00:07:54,836 --> 00:07:58,383
of your sordid and disreputable erotic career
than is necessary.

141
00:07:58,474 --> 00:08:01,750
I merely wish to know,
for my own private elucidation,

142
00:08:01,834 --> 00:08:04,588
how it is that you expect a British jury

143
00:08:04,675 --> 00:08:08,792
to believe the testimony of a monstrous
bull-dyke of your standing

144
00:08:08,874 --> 00:08:11,182
against that of a respectable businessman.

145
00:08:11,273 --> 00:08:13,070
I am merely reporting what I saw.

146
00:08:13,153 --> 00:08:17,509
What you saw?
What you saw through eyes dimmed with lust.

147
00:08:17,673 --> 00:08:21,951
What you saw maddened by the noxious juices
of your notorious practices.

148
00:08:22,033 --> 00:08:25,421
What I saw on my way back
from the parish council meeting.

149
00:08:25,511 --> 00:08:28,344
Is it not a fact, Miss Toilet,

150
00:08:28,431 --> 00:08:33,026
that the words “parish council”
are an infamous anagram

151
00:08:33,110 --> 00:08:35,500
of the words “lispian crouch”?

152
00:08:36,230 --> 00:08:37,902
-Oh…
-You hesitate, Miss Talliot.

153
00:08:37,990 --> 00:08:40,378
-Well, I…
-You stand condemned out of your own soiled

154
00:08:40,469 --> 00:08:41,982
-and contaminated mind.
-I…

155
00:08:42,069 --> 00:08:43,422
-No further questions.
-Well…

156
00:08:43,509 --> 00:08:47,024
No further questions. Thank you, Mrs Talliot.

157
00:08:47,990 --> 00:08:50,865
You may stand down, Mr Lesbian.

158
00:08:52,668 --> 00:08:53,816
Oh.

159
00:08:54,508 --> 00:08:56,384
Will you be in for tea tonight, Jeremy?

160
00:08:56,468 --> 00:08:59,539
Certainly, Mother.
Call Sir Anthony Known-Bender.

161
00:09:01,427 --> 00:09:04,897
Simon Flituris, you saw that sketch.
What did you think was going on there?

162
00:09:05,106 --> 00:09:08,893
Well, you know, again I thought
this was a very trite, rather predictable.

163
00:09:08,985 --> 00:09:11,545
I don't know what the word is
you'd use to describe it really.

164
00:09:11,626 --> 00:09:13,059
-Squib?
-Sort of, yes.

165
00:09:13,146 --> 00:09:16,500
Spoof, guying, take-off, pastiche, parody.

166
00:09:16,584 --> 00:09:18,973
What did you think
of the two central performances?

167
00:09:19,064 --> 00:09:20,736
I'd have welcomed them.

168
00:09:22,185 --> 00:09:24,300
I liked the clever and original use of words.

169
00:09:24,384 --> 00:09:25,612
-Thank you.
-Not at all.

170
00:09:25,704 --> 00:09:26,978
Your clever and original use of words

171
00:09:27,063 --> 00:09:29,257
have recently been gathered
in a book form, I understand.

172
00:09:29,342 --> 00:09:30,662
-That's right.
-Yes. Well received?

173
00:09:30,743 --> 00:09:33,620
You know how critics are.
I mean, what do they know about the work we do?

174
00:09:33,702 --> 00:09:35,897
Quite so. Quietly so, quietly so-ington. Yes.

175
00:09:35,982 --> 00:09:41,008
Now, to return to this spoof called squib,
pastiche, parody, guying of conventions,

176
00:09:41,100 --> 00:09:42,898
my main worry was that
it didn't tell us anything

177
00:09:42,981 --> 00:09:45,176
about the relationship
between the two main characters.

178
00:09:45,260 --> 00:09:46,978
I think that's very neatly put indeed.

179
00:09:47,060 --> 00:09:49,893
I mean, where were the truths
about relationships in England today,

180
00:09:49,980 --> 00:09:52,335
this afternoon, here, now,
today, this evening, now?

181
00:09:52,420 --> 00:09:54,979
-You couldn't see them from where I was lying.
-No, I hated it.

182
00:09:55,059 --> 00:09:57,049
-So, 2 out of 10 for trying, then.
-That's right.

183
00:09:57,138 --> 00:10:00,609
-Yeah, it just wasn't your cup of tea.
-No, no, that's my cup of tea.

184
00:10:00,699 --> 00:10:03,053
-No, that's mine, actually.
-Oh.

185
00:10:03,139 --> 00:10:04,651
Where's mine?

186
00:10:05,978 --> 00:10:07,968
He used to come round

187
00:10:08,097 --> 00:10:10,657
on the first January of every month,

188
00:10:10,738 --> 00:10:13,614
and then just pass out again, straight away.

189
00:10:13,936 --> 00:10:15,416
Rumbelows of the Bailey.

190
00:10:15,497 --> 00:10:18,613
Trigonometry was my favourite,
especially the blonde one.

191
00:10:18,696 --> 00:10:22,324
No, actually, I shouldn't really be wearing
these 'cause these are my eating glasses.

192
00:10:24,095 --> 00:10:26,734
Sorry I'm late, sorry.
Uh, I've kept you waiting.

193
00:10:26,815 --> 00:10:28,932
That's rude of me, sorry. Okay.

194
00:10:29,015 --> 00:10:30,732
Right, now, let's get cracking.

195
00:10:30,814 --> 00:10:34,601
Who's had a chance
to look at Romeo and Juliet since last week?

196
00:10:35,613 --> 00:10:39,731
Anybody? No, uh, well, I know
you've all been busy, difficult to make time.

197
00:10:39,812 --> 00:10:41,530
But anybody at all?

198
00:10:41,613 --> 00:10:44,411
No, okay, good, right,
so you're all coming to it fresh.

199
00:10:44,493 --> 00:10:47,403
That's probably better in fact.
In fact, well done, good.

200
00:10:48,451 --> 00:10:52,364
Right, first of all this is Mr Lewis. He's just
popped in to see how we're all getting on.

201
00:10:52,451 --> 00:10:55,602
Just ignore him.
Well, don't ignore him but, you know.

202
00:10:55,691 --> 00:10:59,683
Well, here's an interesting one.
I wonder who can tell me what ignore means?

203
00:11:00,131 --> 00:11:02,485
Anyone tell me what ignore means?

204
00:11:04,049 --> 00:11:06,199
Nobody, right, okay.

205
00:11:06,289 --> 00:11:10,601
Ignore means not to pay too much attention
to something. Not to be all that…

206
00:11:11,448 --> 00:11:13,245
Tony, wake up. Thanks.

207
00:11:13,328 --> 00:11:15,717
Not to be all that bothered by something.

208
00:11:15,808 --> 00:11:19,642
If you like, Tony was ignoring me just then,
okay, so that's ignore.

209
00:11:19,728 --> 00:11:21,479
Who'd like me to right it down?

210
00:11:21,567 --> 00:11:25,002
Should we write it down? Hands up,
who'd like me to write it down? Ignore.

211
00:11:25,647 --> 00:11:28,241
No one. Okay, so we're happy with ignore.
Good, all right then.

212
00:11:28,326 --> 00:11:29,805
Oh!

213
00:11:30,446 --> 00:11:32,197
Yeah. Uh, Rosie,

214
00:11:32,286 --> 00:11:35,562
it's B-A-S-T-A-R-D.

215
00:11:35,726 --> 00:11:37,477
Yeah? Otherwise, good.

216
00:11:39,564 --> 00:11:41,521
Right, now, Romeo and Juliet.

217
00:11:41,605 --> 00:11:44,597
What do you think?
Should we talk about it first
and then read it or…

218
00:11:44,685 --> 00:11:47,676
I mean, hands up,
who'd like to talk about it first?

219
00:11:47,964 --> 00:11:51,842
No one, okay, well, I agree. Let's just
get straight in and read it, for heaven's sake.

220
00:11:51,923 --> 00:11:54,118
Always like to get them involved
as soon as possible.

221
00:11:54,244 --> 00:11:58,475
Okay, so Romeo and Juliet. Do we have a Juliet?
Who'd like to read Juliet? Anybody?

222
00:11:58,563 --> 00:11:59,757
Anybody like to…

223
00:11:59,843 --> 00:12:02,879
What about a Romeo? We've got to have
a Romeo, yeah? Couple of Romeos.

224
00:12:02,961 --> 00:12:05,077
Maybe one Romeo, eh?

225
00:12:05,641 --> 00:12:09,759
No. Okay, fine. I'll read them both
'cause then you can get a chance to…

226
00:12:11,082 --> 00:12:12,991
This is Juliet speaking, right.

227
00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:16,118
“Wilt thou be gone?
It is not yet near day:

228
00:12:16,201 --> 00:12:18,633
“It was the nightingale, not the lark,

229
00:12:19,560 --> 00:12:21,868
“That pierced the fearful hollow of thine ear;

230
00:12:23,399 --> 00:12:26,755
“Nightly she sings on yon pomegranate-tree:

231
00:12:26,959 --> 00:12:29,233
“Believe me, love, it was the nightingale.”

232
00:12:29,318 --> 00:12:30,796
This is Romeo now.

233
00:12:30,877 --> 00:12:35,473
“It was the lark that heralded the morn,
No nightingale:
look, love, what envious streaks

234
00:12:35,558 --> 00:12:38,117
“Do lace the severing clouds in yonder east.”

235
00:12:38,637 --> 00:12:40,707
Okay, now. Phew.

236
00:12:40,797 --> 00:12:44,994
Right, having heard that,
from what you just heard,

237
00:12:45,075 --> 00:12:49,115
what relevance do you think Romeo and Juliet
has to today's Britain?

238
00:12:50,076 --> 00:12:52,828
Who thinks its got any relevance at all?

239
00:12:53,995 --> 00:12:57,907
No one. Okay, right.
So we think it's irrelevant, do we?

240
00:12:59,034 --> 00:13:03,345
Ah! Interesting, right, so nobody…
We don't think it's relevant.

241
00:13:03,914 --> 00:13:05,904
We don't think it's irrelevant either, yeah?

242
00:13:05,994 --> 00:13:08,790
It's sort of in between, yeah?
It's in a kind of grey area.

243
00:13:08,872 --> 00:13:11,432
Now, that's interesting. Good. Well done.

244
00:13:11,512 --> 00:13:15,869
So why do you think Shakespeare
wrote something that was in a grey area?

245
00:13:15,952 --> 00:13:18,341
What did he mean by it?
Did he mean anything by it?

246
00:13:18,432 --> 00:13:21,264
Maybe he was just being stupid.
Who thinks that?

247
00:13:21,350 --> 00:13:24,786
Hands up those people who think
Shakespeare was being stupid?

248
00:13:24,870 --> 00:13:27,383
No, so, all right. That was stupid, no…
I was being stupid.

249
00:13:27,470 --> 00:13:32,260
So we don't think Shakespeare was stupid,
but he was writing in a grey area. Why?

250
00:13:32,590 --> 00:13:36,627
All right, while you all think about that one,
I'm just going to come out with an opinion.

251
00:13:36,708 --> 00:13:40,383
And it is just an opinion,
so you can all shout me down as usual.

252
00:13:40,468 --> 00:13:43,700
And that is that
Romeo and Juliet is about love.

253
00:13:43,789 --> 00:13:48,656
We have love, we do love in today's Britain,
so Romeo and Juliet therefore

254
00:13:48,747 --> 00:13:50,863
isn't, wasn't, irrelevant.

255
00:13:53,826 --> 00:13:57,262
Well, what do you think about that?
Anybody agree with that?

256
00:13:57,907 --> 00:14:02,296
Right, no, so nobody agrees with it,
but did anyone find it helpful at all?

257
00:14:03,425 --> 00:14:06,462
Nobody. Right, no, you're right.

258
00:14:06,825 --> 00:14:10,499
I was being unhelpful there.
That's stupid of me, I shouldn't…

259
00:14:11,224 --> 00:14:14,135
I've just got… I've just clouded
the whole issue now. I'm sorry.

260
00:14:14,223 --> 00:14:16,418
I'm sorry. I'm just holding you back.

261
00:14:17,784 --> 00:14:19,340
Well, who'd like me to stay?

262
00:14:19,423 --> 00:14:23,735
I mean, hands up those people
who'd like me to stay. Would you like me to…

263
00:14:25,583 --> 00:14:29,096
No one. Right, I… No, I agree.
I agree. You're right.

264
00:14:29,182 --> 00:14:30,456
I'm sorry.

265
00:14:32,742 --> 00:14:35,733
You know, until you've been there,
you haven't got any idea what it's like.

266
00:14:35,820 --> 00:14:38,380
I should think. I don't know.
I've never been there.

267
00:14:39,580 --> 00:14:42,299
Jack Lemmon and Walter Mitty, I like them.

268
00:14:42,380 --> 00:14:45,530
Oh, I can remember exactly what I was doing
when I heard the news.

269
00:14:45,620 --> 00:14:47,211
I was listening to the news.

270
00:14:47,900 --> 00:14:49,936
Well, I mean,
you've been through enough, haven't you?

271
00:14:50,020 --> 00:14:51,612
-I know.
-Well, that's right.

272
00:14:51,699 --> 00:14:55,327
-Mind you, my life hasn't been easy either.
-No, not easy, no, no.

273
00:14:55,418 --> 00:14:57,374
I hate it when things go wrong, don't you?

274
00:14:57,458 --> 00:14:58,687
-Oh, I hate it.
-I know.

275
00:14:58,778 --> 00:15:01,894
I hate it. Mind you, of course,
sometimes things go right, don't they?

276
00:15:01,977 --> 00:15:03,968
-And I like that.
-I like that.

277
00:15:04,057 --> 00:15:06,172
Yes, it's better than when things go wrong.

278
00:15:06,256 --> 00:15:08,054
Well, I mean, of course it is, of course it is.

279
00:15:08,137 --> 00:15:09,808
-Yeah, still.
-I know.

280
00:15:09,896 --> 00:15:11,932
-Well, I mean, you can't give up.
-No.

281
00:15:12,016 --> 00:15:14,405
You can't eat money, I always say.

282
00:15:15,776 --> 00:15:18,209
I say that! I always say that.

283
00:15:18,294 --> 00:15:20,286
-I know, me, too.
-Still, still.

284
00:15:20,375 --> 00:15:22,013
-Well, I mean, I know.
-That's it.

285
00:15:22,095 --> 00:15:23,687
Well, I mean, for goodness sake,
of course it is.

286
00:15:23,775 --> 00:15:25,969
Well, I mean, it's absolutely bound
and certain to be.

287
00:15:26,053 --> 00:15:29,091
-That's it. I know.
-As if it could be anything else other than it.

288
00:15:29,174 --> 00:15:32,848
That's it. That's completely and dreadfully
the whole point.

289
00:15:32,934 --> 00:15:34,490
-You're right.
-I know.

290
00:15:34,573 --> 00:15:36,961
-So right.
-Oh, God, I know.

291
00:15:37,052 --> 00:15:38,964
I know, I know.

292
00:15:39,052 --> 00:15:41,646
Oh, well, of course you do.
I mean, of course you know.

293
00:15:41,733 --> 00:15:43,324
Well, that's right, isn't it?

294
00:15:43,412 --> 00:15:46,084
-Of course it is, of course it is.
-Yes, yes, oh, yes, that's it.

295
00:15:46,171 --> 00:15:48,401
-Oh, yes!
-Yes, still, eh, mind you.

296
00:15:48,492 --> 00:15:50,721
-Well, I mean, anyway.
-Well, of course you mean anyway.

297
00:15:50,810 --> 00:15:52,562
-I mean, what.
-I mean, of course you do.

298
00:15:52,650 --> 00:15:56,006
-Well, there you go, you see?
-Well, of course I go there. Where else would I go?

299
00:15:56,091 --> 00:15:58,479
-Well, that's it, I mean, where else?
-Yes, but, I mean, where?

300
00:15:58,569 --> 00:16:00,002
I mean, shut up, that's it!

301
00:16:00,089 --> 00:16:03,286
I mean, sod right off, for God's sake,
I'm sure it's it!

302
00:16:03,369 --> 00:16:07,884
Go and slice little bits off yourself
and eat them. Of course you're right.
That's it!

303
00:16:07,969 --> 00:16:11,926
Then just quite simply shut up
and never speak again. Of course I am!

304
00:16:12,007 --> 00:16:13,804
-That's it, you see!
-I know, I know!

305
00:16:13,888 --> 00:16:16,481
-That's it!
-Oh, please, please be quiet!

306
00:16:16,567 --> 00:16:20,355
Oh, drink sick. You are so, so right!

307
00:16:21,687 --> 00:16:24,803
-I'm right!
-You are so, so, so right!

308
00:16:24,886 --> 00:16:27,446
-I know!
-God, I hate you, you are so right!

309
00:16:27,525 --> 00:16:29,800
Well, I mean, of course you do!
Of course you hate me!

310
00:16:29,886 --> 00:16:32,241
-You make me retch!
-I know I do!

311
00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:35,397
Well, that's it, you see.
The sight of you makes my skin fall off!

312
00:16:35,485 --> 00:16:37,634
Yes, yes, that's it! You've got it!

313
00:16:37,724 --> 00:16:39,954
-God, I want to kill you!
-I know, I know!

314
00:16:40,045 --> 00:16:41,193
-Still.
-Still.

315
00:16:41,285 --> 00:16:42,432
-Eh.
-I mean, eh.

316
00:16:42,524 --> 00:16:43,751
-Anyway.
-I know.

317
00:16:43,844 --> 00:16:45,641
-Well, there you are, you see.
-Well, that's it.

318
00:16:45,723 --> 00:16:47,396
-I know, yeah.
-Eh?

319
00:16:47,724 --> 00:16:50,316
Well, Mr Everard, thanks for agreeing
to be with us today.

320
00:16:50,402 --> 00:16:54,554
-Pleasant journey down, I hope.
-Uh, not pleasant exactly, no, no.

321
00:16:54,642 --> 00:16:56,314
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. What…

322
00:16:56,402 --> 00:16:58,392
Sorry, sorry, I just want to say,

323
00:16:58,481 --> 00:17:02,189
this sketch that we are doing now
is my absolute favourite one of all time.

324
00:17:02,280 --> 00:17:04,272
I just love this one.

325
00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:07,193
Now, watch what Stephen does in this
'cause it's fantastic.

326
00:17:07,280 --> 00:17:10,477
He is brilliant in it.
Sorry, anyway, sorry, carry on.

327
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:14,475
Um, so not a pleasant journey down?

328
00:17:14,559 --> 00:17:17,436
Uh, no, no. Not pleasant at all.

329
00:17:17,518 --> 00:17:19,316
Now… Now, just…

330
00:17:20,398 --> 00:17:23,833
watch the way he does this next bit
'cause it's brilliant, it's just brilliant.

331
00:17:24,237 --> 00:17:26,035
Go on, it's fantastic.

332
00:17:26,397 --> 00:17:27,830
Oh, dear.

333
00:17:32,516 --> 00:17:33,711
“Oh, dear.”

334
00:17:35,076 --> 00:17:38,672
Well, I can't do it as well as he can do it,
but it's just fantastic.

335
00:17:38,757 --> 00:17:42,270
“Oh, dear.” I just love it. Brilliant. Sorry.

336
00:17:44,875 --> 00:17:48,311
-So was it the weather or the traffic or something?
-Er… no.

337
00:17:49,434 --> 00:17:52,745
-No?
-No, now, now, ah, this, this…

338
00:17:52,834 --> 00:17:54,107
Yes, this…

339
00:17:54,193 --> 00:17:57,868
This next line coming up is my favourite line
in the whole thing. This is brilliant.

340
00:17:57,953 --> 00:18:01,423
Just watch the way he does this,
this is fantastic. This coming up.

341
00:18:01,513 --> 00:18:05,586
No, no, I was murdered
at a petrol station on the A1.

342
00:18:05,673 --> 00:18:07,867
Now, listen, listen, listen to this. Listen.

343
00:18:10,472 --> 00:18:12,190
I beg your pardon?

344
00:18:14,991 --> 00:18:18,301
Sorry, it's the next one, it's the next line.
It's not that one.

345
00:18:18,711 --> 00:18:20,941
Uh, yes, yes, I was murdered.

346
00:18:21,030 --> 00:18:22,826
Murdered? Who by?

347
00:18:23,349 --> 00:18:26,739
No, no, it's not that one either.
It's coming up, it's coming up, honestly.

348
00:18:26,830 --> 00:18:30,903
Yes, I was stabbed
through the heart by a civil servant.

349
00:18:31,549 --> 00:18:32,617
Stabbed through…

350
00:18:32,708 --> 00:18:34,266
Killed me stone dead.

351
00:18:34,348 --> 00:18:38,228
-Then what are you doing…
-This is it, this is what… Listen, listen.

352
00:18:41,067 --> 00:18:44,343
Then what are you doing
sitting here in my office?

353
00:18:51,066 --> 00:18:52,978
Then what are you doing…

354
00:18:54,626 --> 00:18:57,583
That is… Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

355
00:18:59,465 --> 00:19:01,854
Actually, he didn't do it very well that time.

356
00:19:01,945 --> 00:19:05,982
He has done it better than that, honestly.
But it's great, though, isn't it? Fantastic.

357
00:19:08,224 --> 00:19:10,499
Martin, limp thoughts?

358
00:19:10,584 --> 00:19:13,494
-None whatsoever.
-I thought not. Care to make some up for me?

359
00:19:13,582 --> 00:19:16,302
-Well, this chair is soft, certainly.
-Very soft?

360
00:19:16,382 --> 00:19:20,739
No, no, it falls short of being very soft.
But, of course, if you look underneath we find…

361
00:19:20,822 --> 00:19:22,858
-The floor.
-The floor, precisely.

362
00:19:22,941 --> 00:19:24,374
Does the floor work for you?

363
00:19:24,461 --> 00:19:26,850
No, it doesn't work, it doesn't work.

364
00:19:26,941 --> 00:19:29,694
-The floor doesn't work for me, no, no.
-No.

365
00:19:29,782 --> 00:19:31,897
-Is it a fatal floor?
-Well, precisely.

366
00:19:31,980 --> 00:19:35,939
You see, the reason the floor doesn't work
is 'cause it's all on one level.

367
00:19:36,981 --> 00:19:40,892
And, of course, it also falls into the trap of
being essentially self-referential.

368
00:19:41,058 --> 00:19:42,856
By self-referential, you mean…

369
00:19:42,939 --> 00:19:47,217
I mean to make myself sound like an interesting
and impressive person.

370
00:19:47,298 --> 00:19:48,890
That ties in rather neatly.

371
00:19:48,978 --> 00:19:51,776
Well, exactly.
You see, I was wondering is there a sense

372
00:19:51,858 --> 00:19:55,533
in which you are not completely
squalid and pointless?

373
00:19:55,618 --> 00:19:57,209
I don't think there's a sense, no, no.

374
00:19:57,297 --> 00:20:00,050
I've looked hard for one,
but at the end of it I've come up senseless.

375
00:20:00,137 --> 00:20:01,365
I thought so.

376
00:20:01,457 --> 00:20:04,891
And I was wondering by the same token,
is there a critical standpoint yet devised

377
00:20:04,975 --> 00:20:09,287
by which you are any distance at all
from being hideously repellent?

378
00:20:09,375 --> 00:20:12,924
-None whatsoever. None whatsoever.
-Now, you see, that's interesting.

379
00:20:13,015 --> 00:20:15,848
-Oh dear, wasn't meant to be.
-Well, nobody's perfect.

380
00:20:15,935 --> 00:20:18,209
After all, we can't all be critics, can we?

381
00:20:21,013 --> 00:20:23,482
My wife and I were thinking
of going to Ireland personally

382
00:20:23,573 --> 00:20:27,532
to see what all the fuss is about.
But we couldn't face having all the injections.

383
00:20:29,413 --> 00:20:31,926
Did you actually know Richard Burton?

384
00:20:32,012 --> 00:20:34,401
Oh, yes, yes, I knew him, yes.

385
00:20:34,492 --> 00:20:37,769
Well, in as much as anyone
ever really knew Burton.

386
00:20:38,291 --> 00:20:41,010
Yes, I was very fond of the Burt.

387
00:20:41,451 --> 00:20:43,884
Amazing character, amazing character.

388
00:20:44,730 --> 00:20:48,484
-Now, Elizabeth Taylor, of course…
-Well, now, Liz, you see, was a joy,

389
00:20:48,570 --> 00:20:52,165
a dream, a treasure, marvellous.
If you could've seen them together.

390
00:20:52,370 --> 00:20:54,440
-Did you ever?
-Oh, good Lord, yes.

391
00:20:54,530 --> 00:20:58,362
Yes, as a matter of fact I was…
I was best man at their wedding.

392
00:20:58,688 --> 00:21:00,360
Really? Which one?

393
00:21:01,129 --> 00:21:02,608
All of them.

394
00:21:03,448 --> 00:21:06,724
-Now, Gielgud and Richardson…
-Yes, they never married, of course.

395
00:21:06,808 --> 00:21:08,525
No. Did you know them?

396
00:21:08,607 --> 00:21:11,917
Oh, good Lord, yes, yes, I knew…
Oh, amazing characters, yes.

397
00:21:12,046 --> 00:21:16,437
The Giel and the Rich
used to ask me for advice constantly.

398
00:21:16,527 --> 00:21:18,960
They used to call me their guru.

399
00:21:20,285 --> 00:21:22,082
Now, around this time you must have met…

400
00:21:22,165 --> 00:21:25,601
Well, just about everyone, really.
Yes, I knew everyone

401
00:21:25,685 --> 00:21:27,641
and everyone knew me.

402
00:21:27,725 --> 00:21:30,192
-You knew everyone?
-I knew absolutely everyone, yes.

403
00:21:30,284 --> 00:21:33,720
-And everyone knew?
-Absolutely everyone knew me, yes, yes.

404
00:21:34,444 --> 00:21:36,833
What did you think of Simon Condywust?

405
00:21:38,083 --> 00:21:41,075
-Simon?
-Condywust. Didn't you know him?

406
00:21:41,923 --> 00:21:46,871
Oh, yes, yes, I knew him.
Oh, yes, yes, well, everyone knew the Condy.

407
00:21:47,442 --> 00:21:50,002
Yes, he was an amazing character, amazing.

408
00:21:50,641 --> 00:21:53,440
What about Maureen Limpwhippypippydodo?

409
00:21:54,641 --> 00:21:57,553
Well, now, yes, she was a fascinating woman.

410
00:21:57,641 --> 00:22:01,519
Fascinated, I was fascinated by Maureen
for many, many years, yeah.

411
00:22:01,680 --> 00:22:03,715
Was she an amazing character?

412
00:22:03,799 --> 00:22:05,233
Well, no, she was a woman.

413
00:22:05,319 --> 00:22:08,311
The men were amazing characters,
the women were fascinating.

414
00:22:09,520 --> 00:22:11,828
Colin Fenchmosleythinkihave?

415
00:22:12,599 --> 00:22:16,557
Oh, Lord, yes. What a character…
Yes, well, the Fench? Yes, yes.

416
00:22:16,638 --> 00:22:19,106
Knew him terribly well, terribly well.

417
00:22:19,198 --> 00:22:22,746
What did you think of Fenella Hahahahahaspuit?

418
00:22:22,958 --> 00:22:25,552
Fascinating woman, fascinating, yeah.

419
00:22:26,116 --> 00:22:29,426
And what about Peter Weeeeee?

420
00:22:29,515 --> 00:22:31,905
Oh, yes, well, you see…

421
00:22:32,236 --> 00:22:35,034
They broke the mould after they made Peter.

422
00:22:35,477 --> 00:22:38,706
And Evelyn Brokethemouldaftertheymadepeter?

423
00:22:38,795 --> 00:22:41,104
Delightful… woman?

424
00:22:41,435 --> 00:22:43,232
Angela Delightfulwoman?

425
00:22:43,315 --> 00:22:45,225
Splendid chap.

426
00:22:45,394 --> 00:22:46,826
Dick van Dyke?

427
00:22:48,474 --> 00:22:50,272
You just made that up.

428
00:22:51,714 --> 00:22:54,784
Rupert Jeremy James, I baptise thee
in the name of the Father…

429
00:22:54,872 --> 00:22:56,863
No, no, no, hold on, hold on.

430
00:22:56,952 --> 00:22:59,864
-What's the problem?
-No, you're absolutely right. Nicholas is better.

431
00:22:59,952 --> 00:23:02,944
-Yeah. Nicholas Thomas Geoffrey.
-Nicholas Thomas Geoffrey?

432
00:23:03,032 --> 00:23:05,784
Oh, darling, you can't have Nicholas Thomas,
that's a very ugly rhyme.

433
00:23:05,871 --> 00:23:08,339
Yeah, you're right.
What was that other one we liked?

434
00:23:08,432 --> 00:23:11,025
-Timothy Nicholas Peter.
-Oh, Nicholas Timothy Peter.

435
00:23:11,110 --> 00:23:12,624
-Nicholas Timothy Peter?
-Yes.

436
00:23:12,711 --> 00:23:14,985
Right. Nicholas Timothy Peter, I baptise…

437
00:23:15,070 --> 00:23:18,301
-It's a shame to lose the Jeremy, though, isn't it?
-I still like Duncan.

438
00:23:18,389 --> 00:23:20,459
Jeremy Nicholas Duncan
or Duncan Nicholas Jeremy?

439
00:23:20,549 --> 00:23:22,699
Um, I have got a wedding in 10 minutes.

440
00:23:22,789 --> 00:23:24,381
You're being paid, aren't you?

441
00:23:24,470 --> 00:23:25,902
-No.
-Uh, now…

442
00:23:27,108 --> 00:23:28,461
Nick's idea was Peregrine.

443
00:23:28,548 --> 00:23:30,937
Oh, darling, you can't call a baby Peregrine.

444
00:23:31,027 --> 00:23:32,426
Peregrine Jeremy Nicholas?

445
00:23:32,508 --> 00:23:35,147
I know it sounds silly,
but I've always loved Dick.

446
00:23:35,227 --> 00:23:36,342
Um…

447
00:23:38,507 --> 00:23:40,179
Now, Dirk's due for a revival.

448
00:23:40,267 --> 00:23:42,497
-Duncan Dirk Dick.
-Well, it's rather fetching.

449
00:23:42,587 --> 00:23:46,339
Duncan Dirk Dick, I baptise thee in the name
of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.
Amen.

450
00:23:46,426 --> 00:23:49,020
-There's too many D's in it.
-Yes.

451
00:23:49,106 --> 00:23:52,064
-What about Tweeble?
-Oh, darling, we can't call a baby Tweeble.

452
00:23:52,145 --> 00:23:54,340
Well, it's our nickname for
the little blighter, so why not?

453
00:23:54,425 --> 00:23:56,699
-What about Tweeble Timothy James?
-Perfect.

454
00:23:56,784 --> 00:23:59,173
-Amen.
-Tweeble Timothy James.

455
00:24:01,343 --> 00:24:04,380
I'm sorry it's Duncan Dirk Dick,
I've just done it.

456
00:24:04,463 --> 00:24:06,056
Well, undo it.

457
00:24:06,143 --> 00:24:07,496
Undo it?

458
00:24:08,104 --> 00:24:12,095
This is a holy sacrament of the Church,
not a bleeding hotel reservation.

459
00:24:12,502 --> 00:24:14,220
I can't just undo it.

460
00:24:14,302 --> 00:24:16,338
You're beginning to annoy me, buster.

461
00:24:16,423 --> 00:24:18,538
Look at this. What does this say, hmm?

462
00:24:18,621 --> 00:24:20,851
-Christening service.
-Yes, service, notice.

463
00:24:20,941 --> 00:24:23,774
Doesn't say rudeness,
doesn't say christening rudeness, does it?

464
00:24:23,860 --> 00:24:25,419
-I wasn't being rude.
-Just bear in mind

465
00:24:25,501 --> 00:24:27,491
that there are plenty of other religions.

466
00:24:27,580 --> 00:24:30,048
Some of them, I may say,
offering much greater range and value.

467
00:24:30,140 --> 00:24:32,256
Not to mention the carpets. Look at this.

468
00:24:32,340 --> 00:24:33,898
-So, come on, hand him over.
-Hand him over?

469
00:24:33,980 --> 00:24:37,254
Yes, we'll have a look at the mosque on
Arlington Road, if it's all the same with you.

470
00:24:37,338 --> 00:24:39,056
But I haven't finished the service yet.

471
00:24:39,138 --> 00:24:41,733
The rudeness, you mean?
Well, you should have thought of that before.

472
00:24:41,819 --> 00:24:44,969
You can't just walk out in the middle
of a service. I mean, think of the child.

473
00:24:45,057 --> 00:24:47,447
Oh, screw the child.
Haven't you heard the news?

474
00:24:47,538 --> 00:24:50,813
There's a revolution going on.
Enterprise, initiative.

475
00:24:50,897 --> 00:24:54,172
-Those who can't trim the fat go to the wall.
-What wall?

476
00:24:54,256 --> 00:24:56,134
You just don't know
what I'm talking about, do you?

477
00:24:56,217 --> 00:24:58,491
I'm talking about the way
you're running this whole operation.

478
00:24:58,576 --> 00:25:01,612
I mean, take this building. Look at it.
All this equity tied up for what?

479
00:25:01,695 --> 00:25:03,367
Couple of weddings a week. It's pathetic.

480
00:25:03,455 --> 00:25:07,334
-It may be pathetic to you, but I assure…
-God, what I could do with a place like this.

481
00:25:07,415 --> 00:25:10,292
What do you think, darling?
We could have some luxury flats up top there.

482
00:25:10,374 --> 00:25:12,444
We could have the shopping arcade
along the back,

483
00:25:12,535 --> 00:25:15,173
a fountain in the middle.
We'd have a brasserie here in no time.

484
00:25:15,254 --> 00:25:16,891
It's really just a criminal waste.

485
00:25:16,973 --> 00:25:21,330
Look, matey, this is a church,
not a dealing room.

486
00:25:21,413 --> 00:25:25,405
I'm not interested in your creepy theories
about enterprise and initiative.

487
00:25:25,492 --> 00:25:29,565
This place is founded on ideas
a little bit more permanent than
the Dow Jones Index.

488
00:25:29,651 --> 00:25:30,970
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.

489
00:25:31,051 --> 00:25:34,760
Something a tad classier than
buy long, sell short and get into gilt.

490
00:25:34,850 --> 00:25:36,330
-Oh, really?
-Yes, really.

491
00:25:36,411 --> 00:25:39,881
This church is going to be here
long after your little brat has grown up,

492
00:25:39,972 --> 00:25:43,564
ripped a few people off and died
unloved in his Spanish retirement villa.

493
00:25:44,449 --> 00:25:47,647
Portuguese, actually.
There's no need to be so beastly.

494
00:25:47,730 --> 00:25:50,721
Well, I'm sorry,
but people like you really piss me off.

495
00:25:52,449 --> 00:25:55,724
All right then, mister, so what's your pitch?
What's your scam? What's your angle?

496
00:25:55,808 --> 00:25:57,288
Well, look at you people, eh?

497
00:25:57,368 --> 00:26:00,326
You spend all your days
trying to scrape together enough money

498
00:26:00,407 --> 00:26:03,922
just so you can end your life
just wobbling your fat bottoms up and down

499
00:26:04,007 --> 00:26:05,839
some Iberian beach playing crazy golf.

500
00:26:05,928 --> 00:26:08,486
But what thought…
what thought have you ever given

501
00:26:08,566 --> 00:26:11,399
for making provision
for after your retirement, hmm?

502
00:26:12,006 --> 00:26:14,042
After my retirement?

503
00:26:14,126 --> 00:26:15,957
I'm talking about heaven.

504
00:26:16,605 --> 00:26:17,754
Heaven.

505
00:26:18,486 --> 00:26:21,079
Isn't that where the Gilroys went, darling?

506
00:26:21,164 --> 00:26:23,394
-Devon.
-Oh, Devon, yeah.

507
00:26:24,764 --> 00:26:29,042
After a hard life, don't you think you deserve
something in the way of long-term security?

508
00:26:29,444 --> 00:26:33,231
Heaven implies comfort, status,
lifestyle and peace of mind.

509
00:26:33,322 --> 00:26:36,713
-Don't listen to him, pudding.
-No, no, no, give me space, give me space.

510
00:26:36,802 --> 00:26:39,237
No, no, she's right, pudding, she's right.

511
00:26:39,323 --> 00:26:43,201
Think about it yourself and you should
seek out an independent spiritual adviser.

512
00:26:46,601 --> 00:26:48,433
He may have something, you know.

513
00:26:48,521 --> 00:26:51,752
Well, I mean,
if you don't do it for yourselves,
think of Duncan Dirk Dick here.

514
00:26:51,841 --> 00:26:53,637
Give him a chance to get in
on the ground floor.

515
00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:57,509
Look, darling, and no disrespect to you, Vicar,
but, darling, what I was thinking is this.

516
00:26:57,600 --> 00:27:00,750
What about a mixed portfolio, right,
whereby we spread him

517
00:27:00,839 --> 00:27:03,307
through Judaism, Islam, Hindu and so on,

518
00:27:03,399 --> 00:27:07,152
while maintaining our core investment
within the Church of England.
What do you think?

519
00:27:07,238 --> 00:27:09,195
-Well, it certainly does sound safer.
-Exactly.

520
00:27:09,278 --> 00:27:12,111
Right, so, Duncan Dirk Dick, I baptise you…

521
00:27:12,198 --> 00:27:15,872
But in that case, shouldn't it be
something more like Duncan Isaac Sanjay?

522
00:27:15,957 --> 00:27:17,675
Duncan Abraham Sanjay would be nice.

523
00:27:17,757 --> 00:27:19,952
-Duncan Abraham Naresh?
-That's perfect, you see.

524
00:27:20,038 --> 00:27:24,506
Right, baby, prayer book, font.
Do it yourselves, I'm off for a slash.

525
00:27:25,835 --> 00:27:30,352
Feet? Yeah, they're all right.
You know, if you just want to get from A to B.

526
00:27:30,515 --> 00:27:32,710
Hi, or if you prefer, hello.

527
00:27:32,795 --> 00:27:35,389
This week, as I'm sure
most of you have been aware,

528
00:27:35,475 --> 00:27:38,113
has been Swiss week on BBC2.

529
00:27:38,195 --> 00:27:41,947
We've had a rip-snorting season
of Swiss films on show

530
00:27:42,074 --> 00:27:44,190
as well as some very exciting Swiss opera.

531
00:27:44,274 --> 00:27:48,585
I know for a fact that all of you
enjoyed Floyd on Fondu last night

532
00:27:48,672 --> 00:27:51,425
and David Icke's interview
with the Swiss ambassador

533
00:27:51,512 --> 00:27:53,867
was never very far from being interesting.

534
00:27:53,952 --> 00:27:58,468
But one thing that we feel
has been rather lacking

535
00:27:58,552 --> 00:28:01,748
from the season has been
a celebration of Swiss comedy.

536
00:28:01,832 --> 00:28:05,823
Well, Hugh and I would like to put that right
before the week closes

537
00:28:05,949 --> 00:28:09,545
and present to you our very own version
of the classic Swiss sketch,

538
00:28:09,630 --> 00:28:12,542
“Heidi and Johann Smell Just Right.”

539
00:28:20,542 --> 00:28:24,842
Guten Tag, Johann.
Du riechst ganz richtig.

540
00:28:25,942 --> 00:28:28,242
Dankeschön, Heidi. Und Du auch.