1
00:00:48,225 --> 00:00:52,855
Well, a lot's changed since the last series
of A Bit of Fry and Laurie.

2
00:00:53,425 --> 00:00:54,619
That's right.

3
00:00:55,665 --> 00:00:59,021
When A Bit of Fry and Laurie
last appeared on our screens,

4
00:00:59,105 --> 00:01:00,936
we looked something like this.

5
00:01:05,225 --> 00:01:09,537
Oh, dear. It's hard to believe we could
get away with noses like that, isn't it?

6
00:01:10,025 --> 00:01:12,664
-You're the one on the right, Hugh.
-Oh, right.

7
00:01:13,425 --> 00:01:17,464
Anyway, we thought it might be interesting
to chart just some of the changes

8
00:01:17,545 --> 00:01:20,662
that have gone on in this United Kingdom
since that time.

9
00:01:21,145 --> 00:01:22,180
That's right.

10
00:01:23,945 --> 00:01:26,823
Then we thought perhaps
it wouldn't be interesting.

11
00:01:27,905 --> 00:01:29,099
That's right.

12
00:01:29,745 --> 00:01:31,417
And so we decided not to.

13
00:01:32,225 --> 00:01:33,214
Mmm.

14
00:01:34,865 --> 00:01:38,414
Instead, we've each written a song
that sums up our feelings

15
00:01:38,505 --> 00:01:41,497
about what's gone on
in the last hectic one and a bit years.

16
00:01:41,585 --> 00:01:46,420
My song first. I've called it, quite simply,
The Years That Fell Away.

17
00:01:46,505 --> 00:01:48,655
This is it here.

18
00:01:48,745 --> 00:01:49,894
There it is.

19
00:01:51,225 --> 00:01:56,219
Yes, my song is called,
rather more complicatedly,
Time, Where Did You Go?

20
00:01:59,785 --> 00:02:03,141
♫ Time, where did you go? ♫

21
00:02:04,105 --> 00:02:06,335
That's all I had time for, I'm afraid.

22
00:02:07,105 --> 00:02:10,381
♫ Time, where did you go? ♫

23
00:02:20,385 --> 00:02:21,864
Stephen, what are you doing?

24
00:02:21,945 --> 00:02:23,822
Ah, well, I'll explain, Hugh.

25
00:02:24,985 --> 00:02:31,299
A year and a bit ago I was flabby,
overweight and, it grieves me to say so,
deeply unattractive.

26
00:02:31,545 --> 00:02:36,699
Erm, since then,
a friend put me on to “dancercises”.

27
00:02:37,665 --> 00:02:39,542
I won't tell you who this friend was

28
00:02:39,625 --> 00:02:42,981
but if I drop the hint
that it was a prominent quantity surveyor

29
00:02:43,065 --> 00:02:44,544
I think you'll probably guess.

30
00:02:45,345 --> 00:02:48,735
He put me on to dancercising.

31
00:02:49,025 --> 00:02:52,335
And I think it was probably
the most valuable thing he's ever done

32
00:02:52,425 --> 00:02:55,462
in his otherwise futile and squalid life.

33
00:02:56,785 --> 00:02:58,821
The key to dancercise

34
00:02:59,025 --> 00:03:02,097
is the rather ingenious
coupling of the word “dance”

35
00:03:02,305 --> 00:03:04,261
to the word “circumcise.”

36
00:03:08,225 --> 00:03:13,060
Let's now pretend
that I am a prominent quantity surveyor

37
00:03:13,465 --> 00:03:16,696
and Hugh is Geoffrey Cavendish, a client.

38
00:03:17,025 --> 00:03:19,823
You'll see that I'm able to work,
and while I work,

39
00:03:19,905 --> 00:03:23,978
able to build in all kinds
of strengthening and toning movements.

40
00:03:25,545 --> 00:03:27,661
-Morning, Geoffrey.
-Morning, Dennis.

41
00:03:28,185 --> 00:03:31,257
Do you have any quantities
for me to survey this morning?

42
00:03:31,345 --> 00:03:35,657
Yes, I have got one quantity
I'd very much like you to survey, yes.

43
00:03:35,945 --> 00:03:38,254
-This quantity here?
-That's the fellow.

44
00:03:40,105 --> 00:03:41,094
Right.

45
00:03:41,745 --> 00:03:44,134
Well, that's got that quantity surveyed.

46
00:03:44,265 --> 00:03:46,335
-Any others?
-Not just now Dennis, no.

47
00:03:46,425 --> 00:03:47,904
All right, but you will let me know?

48
00:03:47,985 --> 00:03:50,340
Dennis, if I have any more quantities
for you to survey

49
00:03:50,425 --> 00:03:51,904
you'll be the first to know about it.

50
00:03:51,985 --> 00:03:54,215
-Great.
-Oh, and by the way…

51
00:03:54,905 --> 00:03:56,384
-Yes?
-…love that body.

52
00:03:56,465 --> 00:03:58,854
Thanks. It's mine.

53
00:03:58,945 --> 00:04:00,139
I thought so.

54
00:04:02,425 --> 00:04:05,019
See this? You could eat your dinner off this.

55
00:04:07,105 --> 00:04:09,335
Sex is nothing to fax home about.

56
00:04:11,105 --> 00:04:13,983
Ah, yes, we took the caravan
down to Dorset this summer

57
00:04:14,065 --> 00:04:15,498
and pushed it over a cliff.

58
00:04:19,705 --> 00:04:21,775
-Yeah?
-Er, you got any grollings?

59
00:04:24,145 --> 00:04:26,864
-Beg your pardon?
-I need a dozen grollings.

60
00:04:28,025 --> 00:04:30,016
-Flushed or galvanised?
-Flushed.

61
00:04:32,585 --> 00:04:33,938
There you go. That the lot?

62
00:04:34,025 --> 00:04:36,744
No, have you got a copper flange pipe?

63
00:04:37,745 --> 00:04:41,579
-Flange pipe.
-Two jamborees and seven nipples.

64
00:04:43,425 --> 00:04:46,497
-Do you want the nipples greased?
-Greased nipples, yes.

65
00:04:46,945 --> 00:04:48,173
-Erm…
-There you go.

66
00:04:48,585 --> 00:04:49,984
Let's see what we got here.

67
00:04:50,065 --> 00:04:52,784
Five olive-spantles, jigged and onioned.

68
00:04:53,065 --> 00:04:55,374
-Right, 12 or 17 mil?
-12 mil.

69
00:04:57,785 --> 00:05:01,334
Erm, metre of fleeling wire, coaxial.

70
00:05:01,425 --> 00:05:04,098
Fleeling wire, there you go.

71
00:05:04,865 --> 00:05:07,015
Twenty cock-grip shafting sleeves…

72
00:05:13,145 --> 00:05:15,261
and a parping couplet.

73
00:05:15,985 --> 00:05:18,055
-Parping couplet. Do you want male or female?
-Male.

74
00:05:18,145 --> 00:05:19,180
All right.

75
00:05:19,745 --> 00:05:22,305
-Actually, on second thoughts, one of each.
-Okay.

76
00:05:22,385 --> 00:05:24,979
Do you want the male parping couplet
standing proud?

77
00:05:25,065 --> 00:05:26,054
No.

78
00:05:27,225 --> 00:05:29,864
-Embarrassed, I think.
-Right.

79
00:05:32,985 --> 00:05:36,182
Right, there's your female,
there's your embarrassed male.

80
00:05:36,465 --> 00:05:38,137
Six sheets of gruddock paper.

81
00:05:38,225 --> 00:05:39,578
-Parkinised?
-No.

82
00:05:41,225 --> 00:05:42,294
There we go.

83
00:05:42,665 --> 00:05:47,580
Nearly there. And four felching pens
and a bevelled spill trunion.

84
00:05:49,625 --> 00:05:53,061
Yeah, I think we've only got one
felching pen left, as it happens.

85
00:05:53,145 --> 00:05:54,817
Got some frotting pencils, though.

86
00:05:54,905 --> 00:05:56,099
Will they do?

87
00:05:56,185 --> 00:05:57,857
Well, you know the thrush-plate?

88
00:05:57,945 --> 00:05:58,980
-Yeah.
-Yeah?

89
00:05:59,065 --> 00:06:01,135
Well, you can use
the frotting pencil on that, you see.

90
00:06:01,225 --> 00:06:04,979
Rude to the look-out valve on the fumpspoke,
and cut out the felching altogether.

91
00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:07,533
Provided you remember to rim
the satchel-arm properly first.

92
00:06:07,625 --> 00:06:09,377
Oh, right.
Well, I'll have the frotting pencils, then.

93
00:06:09,465 --> 00:06:10,534
Four frotting pencils, right.

94
00:06:10,625 --> 00:06:12,138
-Two, three, four.
-All right.

95
00:06:12,225 --> 00:06:13,738
And the bevelled spill-trunion.

96
00:06:13,825 --> 00:06:16,703
Bevelled spill-trunion, beg your pardon, yes.
Certainly, right.

97
00:06:16,785 --> 00:06:17,774
Great.

98
00:06:18,265 --> 00:06:19,664
-That's the lot then, is it?
-Yep.

99
00:06:19,745 --> 00:06:23,624
Yeah, you've already got a triple-nob-joint
with snatch membrane, have you?

100
00:06:23,705 --> 00:06:24,899
Should I have?

101
00:06:25,225 --> 00:06:28,262
-Well, are you going straight or curved?
-Straight then curved.

102
00:06:28,985 --> 00:06:33,342
Should be okay as long as you remember to suck
the clenching lobe tight to the bulb thrust.

103
00:06:33,425 --> 00:06:35,063
-Yeah, obviously.
-Yeah.

104
00:06:35,145 --> 00:06:39,661
And whatever you do, don't forget to lubricate
your sliphole before any grip-jigging.

105
00:06:42,225 --> 00:06:44,614
-How dare you?
-I'm sorry, I'm…

106
00:06:46,545 --> 00:06:48,740
-Damn it, Peter.
-John!

107
00:06:49,865 --> 00:06:53,699
Damn it four times around the car park
and back in for another damn it!

108
00:06:54,945 --> 00:06:58,062
Do I get the feeling
that something's on your mind, John?

109
00:06:58,145 --> 00:07:01,296
Come on, Peter, you know
what the hell I'm talking about.

110
00:07:01,705 --> 00:07:06,142
At a guess, I'd say this had something to do
with the DDL Enterprises takeover bid.

111
00:07:06,865 --> 00:07:09,857
Y'know, it's funny, Peter. Ha!

112
00:07:09,945 --> 00:07:11,173
Four years!

113
00:07:11,665 --> 00:07:15,499
Four hard years I put into
building up this health club

114
00:07:15,585 --> 00:07:18,383
and now, now I've gotta sit back

115
00:07:18,465 --> 00:07:23,903
and let some group of wet-arsed college kids
just slide in and take it away from me.

116
00:07:24,025 --> 00:07:26,823
I know, John.
Makes me vomit just to think of it.

117
00:07:27,465 --> 00:07:28,534
If only…

118
00:07:29,505 --> 00:07:32,656
If only Marjorie hadn't left the way she had.

119
00:07:32,945 --> 00:07:34,344
Oh, come on, John!

120
00:07:34,625 --> 00:07:37,378
You can't go on blaming yourself for that!
You and Marjorie had…

121
00:07:37,465 --> 00:07:39,057
Had? Had what?

122
00:07:39,145 --> 00:07:43,138
A marriage that was no more than a bad joke
and not even a very good one?

123
00:07:43,225 --> 00:07:45,898
You made some mistakes, John. That's all.

124
00:07:46,585 --> 00:07:49,145
You and Marjorie just had, well,
what can I say,

125
00:07:49,225 --> 00:07:52,740
different ideas about where
the company was headed. End of story.

126
00:07:53,065 --> 00:07:55,454
But, damn it. Marjorie was good, Peter.

127
00:07:55,545 --> 00:07:58,696
As a wife or as a business partner?

128
00:07:59,185 --> 00:08:00,777
Is there a difference?

129
00:08:01,425 --> 00:08:02,744
I hope so, John.

130
00:08:04,265 --> 00:08:08,941
And now, while we're up to our arses
in our worst ever takeover scrap,

131
00:08:09,025 --> 00:08:11,698
she's sunning herself in the south of France.

132
00:08:11,865 --> 00:08:13,344
South of Wales, actually, John.

133
00:08:13,425 --> 00:08:16,576
Well, wherever the blue-rinsed hell she is!

134
00:08:16,665 --> 00:08:20,738
Listen, God damn it! This is no time
for you to start feeling sorry for yourself.

135
00:08:20,825 --> 00:08:23,419
But damn it every which way but one, Peter.

136
00:08:23,505 --> 00:08:25,223
John, do something for me.

137
00:08:25,385 --> 00:08:27,774
Come up here to the window. Take a look.

138
00:08:27,865 --> 00:08:31,062
-What is this? Some kind of game?
-No game, John!

139
00:08:31,665 --> 00:08:33,178
Tell me what you see.

140
00:08:33,465 --> 00:08:34,944
I see a car park.

141
00:08:35,905 --> 00:08:37,054
Well, that's funny, John.

142
00:08:37,145 --> 00:08:41,900
Because, you see, the last time
you looked out of that window you saw an idea.

143
00:08:42,065 --> 00:08:43,134
Don't you remember?

144
00:08:43,225 --> 00:08:46,774
Yes, I remember thinking,
“That would be a good place to put a car park.”

145
00:08:46,865 --> 00:08:51,177
Damn it, John! You're not listening to me.
I'm talking about the big idea.

146
00:08:51,265 --> 00:08:53,495
The dream that you and I shared!

147
00:08:53,705 --> 00:08:56,981
The dream of a health club
that would put the town of Uttoxeter

148
00:08:57,065 --> 00:08:59,215
on the goddamn map once and for all!

149
00:09:00,825 --> 00:09:02,053
Yeah, well,

150
00:09:02,785 --> 00:09:05,015
-maybe…
-Maybe?

151
00:09:05,865 --> 00:09:09,414
I don't believe I'm hearing this!
What the hell happened to the old John?

152
00:09:09,505 --> 00:09:12,099
We pulled it down when we built the car park.

153
00:09:12,545 --> 00:09:14,775
Damn it, John, you're not hearing me.

154
00:09:15,105 --> 00:09:18,017
-Damn it, I…
-No, don't you “Damn it, I” me!

155
00:09:18,105 --> 00:09:19,504
We've got that close!

156
00:09:19,785 --> 00:09:23,255
And you're just gonna,
you're just gonna lie down and walk away?

157
00:09:23,465 --> 00:09:26,616
Peter, don't harrassle me, I'm tired!

158
00:09:26,705 --> 00:09:28,582
Oh, tired, be damned!

159
00:09:28,825 --> 00:09:29,814
A man…

160
00:09:30,505 --> 00:09:35,215
A man's got to know when he's licked, Peter.
I know the feeling. I've been licked before.

161
00:09:35,585 --> 00:09:38,418
Jesus and all his Lord's saints preserve us.

162
00:09:38,585 --> 00:09:42,055
Did I ever tell you about the time
Marjorie licked me? Oh, yeah.

163
00:09:43,105 --> 00:09:46,575
She licked me good and proper,
and I've got that feeling again,

164
00:09:46,665 --> 00:09:48,462
and it's sore, Peter.

165
00:09:49,865 --> 00:09:52,504
Maybe it's time I moved on and just…

166
00:09:55,065 --> 00:09:58,694
John, I'm gonna look out of this window now
and tell you what I see.

167
00:09:58,785 --> 00:10:01,345
What is this, Peter, more games?

168
00:10:01,585 --> 00:10:04,099
Same game, John, different rules.

169
00:10:04,385 --> 00:10:07,661
I see, I see Tom, Sally, Debbie!

170
00:10:07,745 --> 00:10:10,782
Sally? But Sally called herself in
off sick with the flu.

171
00:10:10,905 --> 00:10:12,099
Exactly, John!

172
00:10:12,225 --> 00:10:16,138
Exactly! But she came in here today
because she believes in you.

173
00:10:16,225 --> 00:10:17,783
God knows why!

174
00:10:17,865 --> 00:10:20,857
Because she believes in
what you're trying to do here in Uttoxeter.

175
00:10:20,945 --> 00:10:24,460
And you're telling me that you're just gonna
walk away from these kids,

176
00:10:24,545 --> 00:10:26,422
and just turn your back on…

177
00:10:26,505 --> 00:10:29,065
Oh, damn it, I'll make no apology, a vision?

178
00:10:29,465 --> 00:10:33,538
-Damn it, Peter. Maybe you're right.
-You're damn right maybe I'm right!

179
00:10:33,625 --> 00:10:36,662
Damn double damn
and an extra pint of damn for the weekend.

180
00:10:36,745 --> 00:10:38,098
Daaamn!

181
00:10:38,545 --> 00:10:41,742
Get a fax over to Cliff at Harlinson's,
EGM, 3:00 tomorrow.

182
00:10:41,825 --> 00:10:44,180
Uh, find out where Janet is
and pull Martin in from…

183
00:10:44,265 --> 00:10:46,779
-Where the hell is Martin?
-High Wycombe.

184
00:10:46,865 --> 00:10:49,220
Right. And get Sarah in here now!

185
00:10:49,545 --> 00:10:51,661
We've got an agenda to work up.

186
00:10:52,705 --> 00:10:54,457
Welcome back to the fight, John.

187
00:10:54,545 --> 00:10:58,174
-Sorry if I was a little rough on you back there.
-Hell, I deserved it, Peter.

188
00:10:58,265 --> 00:11:01,063
I was acting like a damned amateur!

189
00:11:01,145 --> 00:11:04,137
Oh, and John, if Marjorie should call…

190
00:11:04,545 --> 00:11:06,217
If Marjorie should call,

191
00:11:06,665 --> 00:11:09,225
tell her I'm busy.

192
00:11:10,465 --> 00:11:11,978
-Damn!
-Damn!

193
00:11:13,385 --> 00:11:14,784
-All right, are we ready?
-Yeah, anytime.

194
00:11:14,865 --> 00:11:18,255
-I was standing here and this guy…
-No, I was just talking to the cameraman, okay?

195
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:20,176
-Oh, right, sorry. Yeah, okay.
-All right?

196
00:11:20,265 --> 00:11:23,462
Now, basically, I'm just gonna ask you to tell,
in your words, precisely what you saw.

197
00:11:23,545 --> 00:11:25,103
Yeah. I was standing here and this guy

198
00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:26,538
-came haring round the corner…
-No, no, no.

199
00:11:26,625 --> 00:11:29,378
-Can you wait? Can you wait until…
-Oh right, sorry.

200
00:11:29,465 --> 00:11:31,740
All right? I ask you a direct question. Okay?

201
00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:34,783
Right. I was standing here and this guy
came haring round the corner.

202
00:11:34,865 --> 00:11:37,140
-I thought he was gonna hit that wall there.
-No, no, no.

203
00:11:37,225 --> 00:11:39,819
Can you wait until I've asked you a question?

204
00:11:40,265 --> 00:11:43,143
-Oh, right. Sorry. Yeah. Yeah, sorry.
-All right, now…

205
00:11:43,225 --> 00:11:46,820
-I was standing here and this guy came…
-Wait a minute!

206
00:11:47,585 --> 00:11:49,337
Oh, sorry, sorry, yeah.

207
00:11:49,705 --> 00:11:50,740
-Right.
-Right.

208
00:11:50,825 --> 00:11:52,178
-Brian, are we ready?
-Yeah, ready.

209
00:11:52,265 --> 00:11:55,541
-Okay, then. I was standing here and this guy…
-Shut up!

210
00:11:56,585 --> 00:11:59,895
-Oh, right. Yeah.
-Please, do not say anything

211
00:11:59,985 --> 00:12:03,580
-until I have asked you a question.
-Oh, right. I get you. I get you.

212
00:12:03,665 --> 00:12:05,815
-Sorry, sorry. Yeah, okay.
-Good.

213
00:12:05,905 --> 00:12:06,894
-Right.
-Thank you.

214
00:12:06,985 --> 00:12:08,213
-Now…
-I was standing here

215
00:12:08,305 --> 00:12:10,296
and this guy came haring round the corner…

216
00:12:10,385 --> 00:12:13,980
Wait until I have asked you a question!

217
00:12:16,905 --> 00:12:18,861
-Okay.
-Right!

218
00:12:21,745 --> 00:12:23,337
I was standing here and this guy…

219
00:12:29,505 --> 00:12:32,975
I was going through my grandfather's
old hairdryers the other day,

220
00:12:33,625 --> 00:12:39,575
when I came across this, wedged in the filter
of a Pifco Ultramatic Ready Tress.

221
00:12:40,145 --> 00:12:42,943
Erm, it's a letter written to my grandfather

222
00:12:43,025 --> 00:12:47,143
by the then Secretary of State for Housing,
Ernest Dalloway.

223
00:12:47,225 --> 00:12:50,058
Later, of course, Lord Dalloway of Sharples.

224
00:12:50,145 --> 00:12:53,854
Erm, I'll read it to you, actually,
'cause it's quite interesting.

225
00:12:53,945 --> 00:12:57,335
“Dear Sir, your letter to the Home Secretary
has been passed on to me,

226
00:12:57,425 --> 00:12:59,939
“as minister in charge of urban development.

227
00:13:00,025 --> 00:13:03,779
“I dream of covering your upturned face
with a 1,000 burning kisses…”

228
00:13:03,865 --> 00:13:05,457
Well, there's a lot more like that.

229
00:13:05,545 --> 00:13:09,220
Oh, yes. Here we are, here we are.
Now, this is a good bit.

230
00:13:09,305 --> 00:13:11,261
“I would direct your attention

231
00:13:11,345 --> 00:13:15,861
“to Section 17, the Housing Act 1916,
paragraph 5,

232
00:13:16,265 --> 00:13:20,099
“‘Where a local authority
has given no other sanction,’

233
00:13:20,185 --> 00:13:22,062
“you furious ball of shining beauty…”

234
00:13:22,145 --> 00:13:23,783
Blah, blah, blah.

235
00:13:23,865 --> 00:13:26,379
Yes,
“‘The entitlement to grants under the scheme

236
00:13:26,465 --> 00:13:29,138
“‘will come mandatorily into operation.’

237
00:13:29,265 --> 00:13:32,257
“Please, please
let me stroke your lovely thigh…

238
00:13:32,345 --> 00:13:36,941
“I hope this answers your inquiry
in the matter of 14 Stanshall Avenue.

239
00:13:37,025 --> 00:13:39,459
“I yearn to drink clarified butter
from your armpits.” Etcetera.

240
00:13:39,545 --> 00:13:41,376
Blah, blah, blah.

241
00:13:41,465 --> 00:13:42,818
“Ernest Dalloway.”

242
00:13:42,905 --> 00:13:45,897
Fascinating little glimpse of history there,
I think.

243
00:13:46,665 --> 00:13:48,940
My father was a Conservative.

244
00:13:49,385 --> 00:13:53,822
My mother voted Labour, so I suppose,
by rights, I should be a Liberal Democrat.

245
00:13:54,265 --> 00:13:55,937
But in actual fact, I'm a Nazi.

246
00:13:58,705 --> 00:14:01,265
Ah, Mr Arthur Meddlicott, is it?

247
00:14:01,545 --> 00:14:02,773
Yes, you, er…

248
00:14:03,465 --> 00:14:05,740
You look a bit young to me.
Still, I suppose you'll do.

249
00:14:05,825 --> 00:14:08,544
Right. Well, that's nice.

250
00:14:09,265 --> 00:14:12,701
So, now,
I shall be calling you Arthur, if I may?

251
00:14:12,905 --> 00:14:15,465
You may not. You'll call me Mr Meddlicott.

252
00:14:16,585 --> 00:14:18,018
And don't simper!

253
00:14:19,105 --> 00:14:20,174
Very well.

254
00:14:20,265 --> 00:14:22,825
So why are you here, Mr Meddlicott?

255
00:14:24,145 --> 00:14:26,613
Well, why do you think?
You're a psychiatrist, aren't you?

256
00:14:26,705 --> 00:14:30,220
I haven't come here
for dancing lessons or free sex,

257
00:14:30,305 --> 00:14:32,375
I've come here to be cured!

258
00:14:32,465 --> 00:14:33,693
Cured? Of what?

259
00:14:34,345 --> 00:14:37,576
Oh, for heavens sake.
Am I gonna have to teach you your job?

260
00:14:37,665 --> 00:14:41,214
Of madness, of course.
I'm slightly mad and I want you to cure me.

261
00:14:41,305 --> 00:14:42,499
“Of what?”

262
00:14:44,825 --> 00:14:45,940
You're mad?

263
00:14:47,025 --> 00:14:49,141
Am I gonna have to say everything twice?

264
00:14:49,225 --> 00:14:51,261
No, just, just get on with it,
if you wouldn't mind.

265
00:14:51,345 --> 00:14:54,178
I'm a busy man
and I'd be grateful if you'd get a move on.

266
00:14:54,265 --> 00:14:57,257
Right. Would you like to tell me
why you think you're mad?

267
00:14:57,345 --> 00:15:00,178
What is this, some sort of game?

268
00:15:00,625 --> 00:15:03,662
Do you imagine I've got time to waste
walking around thinking that I'm mad!

269
00:15:03,745 --> 00:15:07,624
I am mad! Just take my word for it, will you?
And let's have a little less lip.

270
00:15:09,105 --> 00:15:13,064
Right. So how does this
madness of yours manifest itself?

271
00:15:14,225 --> 00:15:16,261
For heavens sake, watch closely.

272
00:15:22,305 --> 00:15:25,775
You take off your shoes
and you put a piece of bread in each one.

273
00:15:26,705 --> 00:15:28,343
I know I do!

274
00:15:29,225 --> 00:15:30,943
What is your problem?

275
00:15:31,705 --> 00:15:33,423
So, what happens next?

276
00:15:33,945 --> 00:15:37,938
I take the bread out of my shoes
and hide it in my secretary's handbag.

277
00:15:38,465 --> 00:15:40,854
Then I take it out of her handbag
and throw it in the bin.

278
00:15:40,945 --> 00:15:44,824
Well, you won't be doing that today, will you?
Because your secretary isn't here.

279
00:15:44,905 --> 00:15:47,578
Oh, give the man a bloody medal!

280
00:15:50,105 --> 00:15:52,414
So, that's it, is it?

281
00:15:53,225 --> 00:15:56,183
Oh, well, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if it's not enough for you.

282
00:15:56,625 --> 00:16:00,174
I'm sure you'd rather that I went around
wrapped in bacon rind

283
00:16:00,265 --> 00:16:03,143
and pretending to be Florence Nightingale.
Well, I'm sorry!

284
00:16:03,225 --> 00:16:05,580
I'm as mad as I am but no madder!

285
00:16:06,225 --> 00:16:07,214
I see.

286
00:16:08,385 --> 00:16:10,774
So, what are you gonna do
about this madness of mine?

287
00:16:10,865 --> 00:16:13,299
Nothing. I don't think you're mad at all.

288
00:16:13,505 --> 00:16:16,497
Oh, oh, you…
Oh, you think it's perfectly usual, do you,

289
00:16:16,585 --> 00:16:20,055
to put a slice of bread in your shoes,
on a daily basis?

290
00:16:20,145 --> 00:16:23,535
That's normal practice, is it?
In your foul part of the world.

291
00:16:23,745 --> 00:16:27,101
Well, you're welcome to a second opinion,
of course, but I don't think you're mad.

292
00:16:27,185 --> 00:16:28,379
Eccentric, certainly.

293
00:16:29,385 --> 00:16:33,173
This is what we pay our psychiatrists for, is it?
Well, well, well, well, well.

294
00:16:33,625 --> 00:16:37,538
Yes, I shall be writing a very stiff letter
to the Daily Mail about this.

295
00:16:38,305 --> 00:16:41,536
Now, cure me of my madness
or I won't put my shoes on ever.

296
00:16:42,105 --> 00:16:44,255
You write letters to the Daily Mail?

297
00:16:46,865 --> 00:16:50,301
Not exclusively the Mail, no.
Sometimes, The Sun or the Mirror.

298
00:16:50,785 --> 00:16:53,174
-And they're published?
-Well, of course.

299
00:16:54,305 --> 00:16:55,499
Just a moment.

300
00:16:56,385 --> 00:16:57,898
Is this one of yours?

301
00:17:00,065 --> 00:17:01,578
“A good way to stop

302
00:17:01,665 --> 00:17:04,020
-“your money being stolen is to keep it…
-Is to keep it…

303
00:17:04,105 --> 00:17:07,859
-”…in a special pocket sewn inside your coat.”
-…in a special pocket sewn inside your coat.

304
00:17:07,985 --> 00:17:10,579
-You're June Ellis of Stockport?
-Of course.

305
00:17:10,665 --> 00:17:12,144
What about this one?

306
00:17:15,585 --> 00:17:18,895
-“Why can't bus conductors…”
-Bus conductors be more friendly?

307
00:17:18,985 --> 00:17:22,864
A smile a day keeps the doctor away,
and it's free, too.

308
00:17:26,385 --> 00:17:28,103
-Chest size?
-42.

309
00:17:28,225 --> 00:17:30,136
Wait here, I'll get your straitjacket.

310
00:17:32,305 --> 00:17:35,183
The lengths you have to go to,
to prove you're mad.

311
00:17:37,065 --> 00:17:40,262
Yeah. I went around to her primary school
'cause it had that end of term thing

312
00:17:40,345 --> 00:17:41,778
and they show all their paintings.

313
00:17:41,865 --> 00:17:43,378
All the paintings they'd done in her class,

314
00:17:43,465 --> 00:17:45,376
they show them all around the wall.
They were crap!

315
00:17:46,545 --> 00:17:49,776
As we look down now
on this glorious July afternoon,

316
00:17:49,865 --> 00:17:51,344
what a splendid sight it is, Peter.

317
00:17:51,425 --> 00:17:54,178
It's an absolute picture, isn't it?
The sun beating down now.

318
00:17:54,265 --> 00:17:55,300
Beautiful day.

319
00:17:55,385 --> 00:17:57,819
The crowds… Not a seat to be had anywhere.

320
00:17:57,905 --> 00:17:59,816
-Packed house.
-Absolutely packed.

321
00:17:59,905 --> 00:18:02,658
-And the grass looking so lovely.
-Green as anything.

322
00:18:02,745 --> 00:18:06,215
-Green as you like. Absolutely as green as can be.
-Grass has never looked greener.

323
00:18:06,305 --> 00:18:08,865
-Yeah, what a scene, what a scene.
-Marvellous scene.

324
00:18:09,105 --> 00:18:10,777
Oh, I say! Look, there's a bus.

325
00:18:10,865 --> 00:18:14,335
Oh, yes, look. There's a beautiful old English…
What is that? Is that a number 29?

326
00:18:14,425 --> 00:18:17,542
-It's a 29 bus, yes.
-Beautiful English 29 bus.

327
00:18:17,625 --> 00:18:20,981
Yes, what a marvellous scene.
Grass, sun, bus, marvellous.

328
00:18:21,065 --> 00:18:23,818
Yes, and that bus making its way now along

329
00:18:23,905 --> 00:18:27,659
-the Garboldisham Road.
-Garboldisham. Beautiful village there.

330
00:18:27,745 --> 00:18:31,704
-Oh, an absolutely delightful village, yes.
-Garboldisham, what a lovely name.

331
00:18:31,785 --> 00:18:35,380
Oh, lovely name. Lovely English name.

332
00:18:35,465 --> 00:18:38,104
-Yes.
-Hello, there's some people getting off the bus.

333
00:18:38,185 --> 00:18:40,096
Oh. Oh, look out!

334
00:18:40,185 --> 00:18:42,653
They're off to enjoy good old
English strawberries and cream.

335
00:18:42,745 --> 00:18:46,499
Oh, English. Yes, yes.
Watch out for those German strawberries!

336
00:18:46,585 --> 00:18:48,815
-Yes, not the same.
-No, not the same thing at all, no.

337
00:18:48,905 --> 00:18:50,975
English strawberries and cream,

338
00:18:51,065 --> 00:18:54,023
29 bus going down the Garboldisham Road.

339
00:18:54,105 --> 00:18:55,823
-Grass.
-Cream.

340
00:18:55,985 --> 00:18:58,135
-Garboldisham.
-Crowds.

341
00:18:58,225 --> 00:19:00,978
-The South Downs.
-Ovaltine.

342
00:19:01,065 --> 00:19:03,863
-Cream.
-Heaps of cream.

343
00:19:03,945 --> 00:19:05,537
Cream and lawnmowers.

344
00:19:05,625 --> 00:19:08,458
Oh, summer holidays in creamy Cromer.

345
00:19:08,545 --> 00:19:11,184
Vaulting over a stile in a country lane.

346
00:19:11,265 --> 00:19:14,337
Catching sticklebacks in an old tin can.

347
00:19:14,425 --> 00:19:16,177
“Honestly, Nanny, I never touched them.”

348
00:19:16,265 --> 00:19:19,098
Piano lessons with Mrs Duckworth.

349
00:19:19,185 --> 00:19:21,540
Father's hands on the steering wheel.

350
00:19:21,625 --> 00:19:24,378
-Sit up straight!
-We're all going faster and faster!

351
00:19:24,825 --> 00:19:27,578
-Locked in the cupboard!
-Oh, for being rude to Mrs Howlett!

352
00:19:27,665 --> 00:19:30,623
-Take the Wolseley for a run!
-Oh, England, Elgar.

353
00:19:30,705 --> 00:19:32,582
-South Downs!
-Bath Olivers.

354
00:19:32,665 --> 00:19:35,020
-Oh, play the game!
-Elbows off the table!

355
00:19:35,105 --> 00:19:36,504
Who's a brave soldier, then?

356
00:19:36,585 --> 00:19:39,179
Oh, nanny's hands all steamy and starched!

357
00:19:39,265 --> 00:19:41,335
-England and cream!
-Creamy old England!

358
00:19:41,425 --> 00:19:43,461
-Custard cream!
-Strawberries and cream!

359
00:19:43,545 --> 00:19:45,263
-Strawberries!
-English cream!

360
00:19:45,345 --> 00:19:47,176
-Creamy England!
-England!

361
00:19:47,265 --> 00:19:49,779
-Cream!
-The roast cream of old England!

362
00:19:49,865 --> 00:19:52,174
-Oh, oh!
-Oh!

363
00:19:52,265 --> 00:19:54,654
-Oh, I say.
-Oh, I say.

364
00:19:54,745 --> 00:19:56,098
Oh, my word.

365
00:19:58,025 --> 00:19:59,219
-Oh.
-Oh, dear.

366
00:19:59,625 --> 00:20:04,699
And Eric Bristow steps out onto the oche now.

367
00:20:06,065 --> 00:20:08,784
Well, the thing…
Oh, Christ, I've left the iron on.

368
00:20:17,785 --> 00:20:19,013
Hello, Control.

369
00:20:21,385 --> 00:20:22,500
Control?

370
00:20:24,105 --> 00:20:27,654
Are you all right?
You appear to be taking your pulse.

371
00:20:28,265 --> 00:20:30,904
I'm a Russian spy, Tony. That's what I am.

372
00:20:32,905 --> 00:20:36,261
-I beg your pardon?
-I plan to overthrow the Queen.

373
00:20:38,025 --> 00:20:40,255
Control, this is a bit of a surprise.

374
00:20:41,145 --> 00:20:45,058
All the more so because you're actually
the head of British Intelligence.

375
00:20:45,185 --> 00:20:48,416
I aim to undermine our entire
Western way of life.

376
00:20:48,785 --> 00:20:50,821
Hmm, well, before you do that, Control,

377
00:20:50,905 --> 00:20:53,658
I'd better go and telephone
the relevant authorities.

378
00:20:53,745 --> 00:20:56,817
And as a precaution,
please don't open any more letters.

379
00:20:57,665 --> 00:21:00,498
Tony, I'm not really a Russian spy.

380
00:21:00,825 --> 00:21:04,659
Well, now, Control, you mustn't say that
just to spare me the paperwork.

381
00:21:05,465 --> 00:21:08,138
No, honestly, Tony, I'm not and you were right.

382
00:21:08,225 --> 00:21:10,136
I was taking my pulse.

383
00:21:10,305 --> 00:21:13,854
Well, I thought so because you appeared to be
gripping your wrist lightly but firmly

384
00:21:13,945 --> 00:21:15,617
and counting to yourself.

385
00:21:15,785 --> 00:21:20,097
You see, the Americans have come up
with a new machine called the lie detector

386
00:21:20,185 --> 00:21:23,336
that helps you find out
whether somebody's telling a fib.

387
00:21:23,545 --> 00:21:26,742
Surely that would be quite useful
for people in our line of work, Control.

388
00:21:26,825 --> 00:21:27,894
Exactly.

389
00:21:28,585 --> 00:21:31,782
It's based on the well-known
scientific principle

390
00:21:31,865 --> 00:21:35,255
that when you tell a fib your pulse speeds up.

391
00:21:36,025 --> 00:21:37,822
Gosh, how ingenious.

392
00:21:37,905 --> 00:21:40,214
But at the same time, how quite simple.

393
00:21:42,465 --> 00:21:46,344
Sadly enough, the machines
are rather expensive to buy.

394
00:21:46,425 --> 00:21:47,414
Oh, dear.

395
00:21:49,585 --> 00:21:50,859
Our American counterparts

396
00:21:50,945 --> 00:21:54,335
do often seem to have more money to spend
than we do, don't they, Control?

397
00:21:54,425 --> 00:21:56,700
But, Tony, I often say,

398
00:21:56,785 --> 00:22:00,778
“What we lack in money,
we more than make up for in British know-how.”

399
00:22:01,665 --> 00:22:03,496
I'm not quite following you, Control.

400
00:22:03,585 --> 00:22:06,975
At a fraction of the cost
I've come up with this lie detector.

401
00:22:07,305 --> 00:22:09,136
Of course, a stopwatch.

402
00:22:09,265 --> 00:22:12,337
It cuts out the need for expensive
and cumbersome equipment.

403
00:22:12,425 --> 00:22:13,574
That's quite right.

404
00:22:13,665 --> 00:22:18,102
I was telling a deliberate fib
when I told you that I was a Russian agent.

405
00:22:18,505 --> 00:22:22,817
Ah! You wanted to see if your pulse got faster.

406
00:22:22,905 --> 00:22:24,543
-That's right.
-Did it?

407
00:22:24,745 --> 00:22:25,734
No.

408
00:22:27,545 --> 00:22:28,534
Oh, dear.

409
00:22:29,025 --> 00:22:31,459
If your pulse didn't speed up, that must mean…

410
00:22:31,545 --> 00:22:36,573
Yes. When I said I was a Russian spy
I must have been telling the truth.

411
00:22:37,985 --> 00:22:40,943
So, on the very first try of this technique

412
00:22:41,025 --> 00:22:43,744
you've discovered that you,
the head of British Intelligence,

413
00:22:43,825 --> 00:22:45,622
are actually a Soviet agent.

414
00:22:45,745 --> 00:22:49,533
Yes, and Tony,
the Minister will be ever so pleased.

415
00:22:49,625 --> 00:22:52,583
Don't you think we ought to test
the technique again, just to make certain?

416
00:22:52,665 --> 00:22:55,782
Yes. It wouldn't be a very good idea
to go around the place

417
00:22:55,865 --> 00:22:59,175
boasting that we've discovered
that I'm a top Soviet agent

418
00:22:59,265 --> 00:23:01,256
if we weren't absolutely certain.

419
00:23:01,345 --> 00:23:03,176
My thoughts exactly, Control.

420
00:23:03,505 --> 00:23:07,817
Right. You tell me a fib this time
and I'll see if your pulse speeds up.

421
00:23:07,905 --> 00:23:11,022
Right. I've got to think of something
that isn't true.

422
00:23:13,185 --> 00:23:16,416
Oh, yes. I know. My name is Susan Donovan.

423
00:23:18,865 --> 00:23:21,140
Well, that seems to prove it.

424
00:23:21,265 --> 00:23:23,221
-Really?
-Yes, Susan. Really.

425
00:23:26,825 --> 00:23:30,261
-Hmm. Control?
-Susie?

426
00:23:32,145 --> 00:23:34,534
Why don't we go back to our old method?

427
00:23:34,665 --> 00:23:36,064
-You mean…
-Yes.

428
00:23:36,425 --> 00:23:41,215
The good old
British Secret Service way of finding out
if someone's telling you a fib or not.

429
00:23:41,305 --> 00:23:43,773
-All right. You first.
-Right.

430
00:23:45,665 --> 00:23:47,815
Is your name Tony Murchison?

431
00:23:48,225 --> 00:23:50,295
Yes, Cubs' honour.

432
00:23:50,545 --> 00:23:52,422
Right. My turn.

433
00:23:53,465 --> 00:23:55,296
Are you a Russian spy?

434
00:23:55,425 --> 00:23:58,861
I am not a Russian spy,
cross my heart and hope to die.

435
00:24:01,265 --> 00:24:04,416
-Phew.
-Well, I'm glad we got that one sorted out.

436
00:24:04,505 --> 00:24:07,144
-Hmm. Tell you what, Control.
-What, Tony?

437
00:24:07,225 --> 00:24:10,103
I'm going to bring you
a cup of nice coffee now.

438
00:24:11,545 --> 00:24:13,217
-And, Control?
-Hmm?

439
00:24:13,305 --> 00:24:14,658
That's the truth.

440
00:24:15,145 --> 00:24:16,134
Bo!

441
00:24:21,145 --> 00:24:23,739
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is a very exciting moment for me,

442
00:24:23,825 --> 00:24:26,020
and indeed for everyone here on the show.

443
00:24:26,105 --> 00:24:28,619
It's a real honour to be able to welcome a man

444
00:24:28,705 --> 00:24:32,459
who, perhaps more than any other,
can lay claim to the title “Superstar”.

445
00:24:32,545 --> 00:24:35,696
Ladies and gentlemen,
will you please welcome, Michael Jackson!

446
00:24:42,265 --> 00:24:45,018
Michael, thank you very much indeed
for coming on the show.

447
00:24:45,105 --> 00:24:47,665
It's a great pleasure. Great pleasure.

448
00:24:47,745 --> 00:24:50,054
'Cause I know you must be
frantically busy at the moment.

449
00:24:50,145 --> 00:24:52,500
Things are a bit hectic just now, yes.

450
00:24:53,025 --> 00:24:55,141
'Cause I believe you've actually got
a new album coming out.

451
00:24:55,225 --> 00:24:59,741
Absolutely right. A brand-new album. Even,
even the little hole in the middle is new.

452
00:25:00,065 --> 00:25:01,498
I love those clothes, by the way.

453
00:25:01,585 --> 00:25:05,464
Oh, thank you. Yes, this is a pretty plain
Irish Thornproof, actually.

454
00:25:05,545 --> 00:25:07,820
I mean, it's very hard-wearing
but I've had it for years.

455
00:25:07,905 --> 00:25:10,658
Right. I bet right now
there are kids all over the world

456
00:25:10,745 --> 00:25:12,098
desperately trying to copy that look.

457
00:25:12,185 --> 00:25:14,619
Well… perhaps.

458
00:25:18,145 --> 00:25:19,658
Now, Michael,

459
00:25:20,505 --> 00:25:24,054
you've been in the music business for…
Well, most of your life.

460
00:25:24,145 --> 00:25:25,783
-Nigh on.
-Michael, I have to put this to you.

461
00:25:25,865 --> 00:25:29,904
This is difficult for me
but there have been allegations over the years

462
00:25:29,985 --> 00:25:32,704
that you have, with the aid of plastic surgery,

463
00:25:33,625 --> 00:25:35,695
set about altering your appearance.

464
00:25:36,465 --> 00:25:40,094
Yes, well, that's just the newspapers,
isn't it? You know.

465
00:25:40,345 --> 00:25:41,778
So you completely deny this?

466
00:25:41,865 --> 00:25:44,333
Well, I don't think
it's even worth denying really, you know.

467
00:25:44,425 --> 00:25:48,384
I think, what it boils down to, is
people being, perhaps, jealous of my success.

468
00:25:48,465 --> 00:25:50,660
And, you know, they'll print anything.

469
00:25:50,745 --> 00:25:54,260
Right, right. Now, we have actually got
a photograph of you here.

470
00:25:55,625 --> 00:25:58,583
This is when you just signed to Motown.

471
00:25:58,665 --> 00:26:01,418
It's an early publicity shot.
It has to be said,

472
00:26:01,745 --> 00:26:04,134
you do look quite a bit different there.

473
00:26:04,785 --> 00:26:07,583
I was eight years old, for goodness sake.

474
00:26:07,865 --> 00:26:10,584
-I mean, we've all changed.
-Yes, right.

475
00:26:10,905 --> 00:26:13,339
Well, Michael,
I hope that's answered your critics.

476
00:26:13,425 --> 00:26:16,462
And now, I believe you're actually
going to do for us a song off the new album.

477
00:26:16,545 --> 00:26:18,661
That's right. It's called, Move It On Out Girl.

478
00:26:18,745 --> 00:26:22,135
Ladies and gentleman,
Move It On Out Girl, Michael Jackson!

479
00:26:50,265 --> 00:26:52,540
♫ Move it on out, girl

480
00:26:53,785 --> 00:26:56,902
♫ Don't leave it where it is, girl

481
00:26:57,905 --> 00:27:00,624
♫ Put it somewhere else, girl

482
00:27:01,625 --> 00:27:03,900
♫ But don't you move it on in

483
00:27:05,105 --> 00:27:08,222
♫ If you move it on in, girl

484
00:27:08,945 --> 00:27:12,824
♫ I might have to find another girl, girl

485
00:27:13,105 --> 00:27:16,017
♫ So don't give me no trouble, girl

486
00:27:16,985 --> 00:27:19,783
♫ So, please just move it on out ♫

487
00:27:27,665 --> 00:27:28,859
All right, girls.

488
00:27:30,385 --> 00:27:31,579
So, erm…

489
00:27:32,705 --> 00:27:33,694
Is there a problem?

490
00:27:33,785 --> 00:27:37,334
No, no, no, Michael, that was very enjoyable.
Very enjoyable.

491
00:27:37,425 --> 00:27:40,144
-I love that body, by the way.
-Oh, thank you. I dancercise.

492
00:27:40,225 --> 00:27:41,624
I thought so. Yes.

493
00:27:42,265 --> 00:27:43,903
No, no, it's just that I…

494
00:27:43,985 --> 00:27:45,543
Well, I'm sorry to have to put this to you,

495
00:27:45,625 --> 00:27:48,662
but I could not help noticing
that you were miming.

496
00:27:49,825 --> 00:27:51,622
-No, I wasn't.
-Yes, you were.

497
00:27:51,705 --> 00:27:53,138
No, I wasn't.

498
00:27:55,025 --> 00:27:57,175
Now, you see,
I just think this is so disappointing.

499
00:27:57,265 --> 00:28:00,894
It's so hard for the kids nowadays
to see an artist do a live performance.

500
00:28:00,985 --> 00:28:02,384
Look, I know some people do it

501
00:28:02,465 --> 00:28:06,140
but I promise you that miming
is simply not the Michael Jackson way.

502
00:28:10,385 --> 00:28:12,421
It's tragic really, isn't it,
ladies and gentlemen?

503
00:28:12,505 --> 00:28:13,984
Anyway, there you go.

504
00:28:14,265 --> 00:28:15,300
Goodnight.