1 00:00:47,468 --> 00:00:49,299 Thank you. Thank you very much. 2 00:00:51,268 --> 00:00:52,303 Now, er… 3 00:00:53,108 --> 00:00:54,302 good evening. 4 00:00:55,188 --> 00:00:57,304 Good evening. Good evening. Good evening. 5 00:00:57,708 --> 00:00:59,699 Good, to some extent, evening, ladies and gentlemen, 6 00:00:59,788 --> 00:01:02,461 and welcome to tonight's programme. 7 00:01:02,588 --> 00:01:05,261 As some of you are probably aware, 8 00:01:05,428 --> 00:01:08,226 the political and sexual climate in this country 9 00:01:08,308 --> 00:01:11,823 has led to many large institutions, like the BBC, 10 00:01:11,908 --> 00:01:14,786 being forced to look elsewhere for their funding. 11 00:01:15,388 --> 00:01:16,901 Fun-ding. 12 00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:21,184 And we are particularly excited here to be able to say 13 00:01:21,268 --> 00:01:26,058 that this show comes to you in association with Tideymans Carpets. 14 00:01:26,908 --> 00:01:30,742 Tideymans carpets resist stains and repel spills. 15 00:01:31,268 --> 00:01:35,819 They're regarded as a major step forward in the history of business sponsorship of the arts. 16 00:01:35,908 --> 00:01:37,660 Only Tideymans can do this. 17 00:01:38,308 --> 00:01:42,938 But we don't want you to run away thinking that in any way our editorial independence 18 00:01:43,028 --> 00:01:46,737 has been compromised here at A Bit of Fry and Tideymans Carpets. 19 00:01:49,708 --> 00:01:51,107 Bet you can't eat three. 20 00:01:52,228 --> 00:01:54,617 So without any further ado, 21 00:01:54,708 --> 00:01:57,461 here is the first item in tonight's programme. 22 00:01:57,548 --> 00:02:00,779 And it's called quite simply, “The spillage that wasn't.” 23 00:02:07,948 --> 00:02:09,461 Shut the door, Rufus, old scout. 24 00:02:09,548 --> 00:02:10,867 Oh, righto, Pater. 25 00:02:10,948 --> 00:02:12,427 Fancy a quick hundred up? 26 00:02:12,508 --> 00:02:14,146 Oh, absolutely, Governor. 27 00:02:14,588 --> 00:02:16,818 Ladies won't miss us for half an hour, right? 28 00:02:16,908 --> 00:02:18,057 Rather not. 29 00:02:18,708 --> 00:02:20,380 -I'll break off. -Mmm. 30 00:02:23,588 --> 00:02:27,661 Nice girl, this Helena. 31 00:02:27,748 --> 00:02:30,546 Oh, damn, hell and custard. 32 00:02:30,668 --> 00:02:32,784 Yes, she's a ripper, Father, an absolute ripper. 33 00:02:32,868 --> 00:02:34,506 Yes, yes. 34 00:02:34,628 --> 00:02:37,426 Good, erm, good set of breasts to her. 35 00:02:37,588 --> 00:02:38,987 Oh, yes. 36 00:02:39,348 --> 00:02:41,623 Fine curving arse. 37 00:02:41,708 --> 00:02:44,142 -Yes, she has got a nice arse, hasn't she? -Mmm. 38 00:02:45,268 --> 00:02:49,500 The thing is, Rufus, old scout. 39 00:02:49,628 --> 00:02:52,017 Erm, you getting married and so on, 40 00:02:52,108 --> 00:02:55,225 I thought it was time we raised this whole subject of women. 41 00:02:55,388 --> 00:02:56,707 Oh, blimey. 42 00:02:57,188 --> 00:03:00,225 Are you expecting to have children? 43 00:03:00,388 --> 00:03:04,301 -Oh, I should say so, Pater, yes. -Hmm, hmm, hmm. 44 00:03:05,028 --> 00:03:08,816 Now, I haven't raised this subject with you before, Rufus, 45 00:03:09,508 --> 00:03:12,864 but have you ever wondered how you came to be born? 46 00:03:14,068 --> 00:03:17,583 Oh, well, I just sort of assumed, Pater, you know, 47 00:03:17,668 --> 00:03:20,580 that one day you put your penis inside Mama's vagina 48 00:03:20,668 --> 00:03:22,499 and inseminated her ovaries. 49 00:03:25,028 --> 00:03:29,943 Yes. Yes, that is what we told you, isn't it? 50 00:03:31,668 --> 00:03:35,786 The thing is, Rufus, it's actually a spot more complicated than that. 51 00:03:35,988 --> 00:03:37,421 -Complicated? -Hmm. 52 00:03:37,748 --> 00:03:42,344 Yes, I'm afraid all that stuff about penises was just a lot of old pretending. 53 00:03:42,948 --> 00:03:45,018 So… So, what exactly…? 54 00:03:45,908 --> 00:03:49,503 Well, it's not easy, this, you know? 55 00:03:49,668 --> 00:03:51,898 -Well, have a stab at it, Pater. -Hmm. 56 00:03:51,988 --> 00:03:54,582 Erm, I know. 57 00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:56,096 Stroke the table. 58 00:03:56,948 --> 00:03:58,859 -Stroke the table? -Stroke the table. 59 00:04:01,028 --> 00:04:02,347 Is this strictly relevant, Pater? 60 00:04:02,428 --> 00:04:05,022 Come on, man. What does it remind you of? 61 00:04:05,908 --> 00:04:08,103 -Billiard table. -And? 62 00:04:08,308 --> 00:04:09,502 Well, nothing. 63 00:04:09,868 --> 00:04:11,620 -Unless, you mean…? -Go on! 64 00:04:11,708 --> 00:04:16,145 Of course, the lush, velvety texture of a Tideymans carpet. 65 00:04:16,228 --> 00:04:18,298 Good man! I knew you'd get there in the end. 66 00:04:19,188 --> 00:04:23,625 Pater, how does having a Tideymans carpet help you to have children? 67 00:04:24,228 --> 00:04:26,537 Are you completely stupid? 68 00:04:27,028 --> 00:04:28,063 Yes. 69 00:04:29,708 --> 00:04:33,587 If you haven't got a Tideymans carpet, you can't do any kissing, 70 00:04:33,668 --> 00:04:35,784 and kissing makes babies. 71 00:04:36,468 --> 00:04:38,345 But, Pater, I still don't understand. 72 00:04:38,428 --> 00:04:41,818 How does a Tideymans carpet help you to snog? 73 00:04:41,908 --> 00:04:43,660 Think, you jillock. 74 00:04:44,228 --> 00:04:47,538 Of course! Sucking a Tideymans carpet 75 00:04:47,628 --> 00:04:52,099 removes the stale unpleasant mouth odours that stop others from Frenching you. 76 00:04:52,188 --> 00:04:53,416 Quite right. 77 00:04:53,588 --> 00:04:56,261 -I got it in one, eh, Pater? -Hmm. 78 00:04:57,868 --> 00:05:00,587 Now, wrap your laughing gear round this 79 00:05:00,668 --> 00:05:03,387 and then wrap it round Helena. 80 00:05:03,988 --> 00:05:05,979 Just you try and stop me, Pater. 81 00:05:09,388 --> 00:05:12,141 Ah, that's my boy. 82 00:05:13,708 --> 00:05:15,380 Well, I was born Mary Patterson, 83 00:05:15,468 --> 00:05:17,982 but then I married, and naturally I took my husband's name, 84 00:05:18,068 --> 00:05:19,979 so now I'm Neil Patterson. 85 00:05:20,428 --> 00:05:23,420 I said, “Well, if God loves me, he's got a funny way of showing it, hasn't he?” 86 00:05:23,508 --> 00:05:25,464 That's shut him up, Pope or no Pope. 87 00:05:26,148 --> 00:05:31,302 Now, it may not be a very popular or fashionable view, 88 00:05:31,388 --> 00:05:35,097 but I do believe that everyone should be forced to wear flared trousers. 89 00:05:37,828 --> 00:05:40,137 Hello, Control, I was just wondering… 90 00:05:41,988 --> 00:05:42,977 Oh. 91 00:05:56,188 --> 00:05:58,224 Hello, this is the Secret Service. 92 00:05:59,908 --> 00:06:03,537 No, I'm afraid Control's not in at the moment. Who is this, please? 93 00:06:03,868 --> 00:06:05,779 Ah, hello, Mrs Control. 94 00:06:06,028 --> 00:06:08,098 No, I don't know where he is. 95 00:06:08,228 --> 00:06:09,377 Yes, it's very strange. 96 00:06:09,468 --> 00:06:11,823 I just popped in to ask him if he'd like a cup of coffee 97 00:06:11,908 --> 00:06:14,945 because it's nearly 11:00, and there's no one here. 98 00:06:15,988 --> 00:06:20,027 I agree with you, Mrs Control, that he'll probably turn up. Bye. 99 00:06:23,308 --> 00:06:24,582 Hello, Tony. 100 00:06:24,668 --> 00:06:28,183 -Ah, Control, I was just beginning to worry. -Oh? 101 00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:31,505 Yes, Mrs Control has just been on the telephone. 102 00:06:31,748 --> 00:06:35,502 And between me and Mrs Control, neither of us seem to know where you were. 103 00:06:35,588 --> 00:06:37,579 Well, let me explain, Tony. 104 00:06:37,908 --> 00:06:39,819 But before I do that, 105 00:06:39,908 --> 00:06:44,060 let me ask you if you notice anything unusual about the office? 106 00:06:44,708 --> 00:06:45,902 The window. 107 00:06:45,988 --> 00:06:49,776 Of course, the window always used to be slightly further to the left. 108 00:06:51,428 --> 00:06:53,305 Not quite, Tony. 109 00:06:53,388 --> 00:06:56,061 Oh, it was a bit of a guess, actually. 110 00:06:56,548 --> 00:07:00,302 I do remember that we did talk about moving the window, 111 00:07:00,388 --> 00:07:05,064 but, if you recall, I asked you to make a feasibility study into the whole thing, 112 00:07:05,148 --> 00:07:07,537 but I then had to make the rather difficult decision 113 00:07:07,628 --> 00:07:10,859 that that particular game just wasn't worth the candle. 114 00:07:10,948 --> 00:07:14,907 What's actually different about the window, Tony, is that it's open. 115 00:07:15,508 --> 00:07:16,861 So it is, Control. 116 00:07:16,948 --> 00:07:20,543 Is this in some way connected to your not having been in the office earlier on? 117 00:07:20,708 --> 00:07:23,780 Yes, you see, I fell out of the window. 118 00:07:27,188 --> 00:07:32,057 Gosh, Control, I can only say how sorry I am and ask whether you were hurt in any way. 119 00:07:32,148 --> 00:07:35,777 To my surprise, Tony, I was not hurt in any way at all. 120 00:07:35,868 --> 00:07:37,824 Well, that is something of a blessing. 121 00:07:37,908 --> 00:07:39,102 Yes, that's right. 122 00:07:39,188 --> 00:07:41,543 Because one of the other things about being Control, I've always thought, 123 00:07:41,628 --> 00:07:44,586 is that your office is on the sixth floor. 124 00:07:44,788 --> 00:07:46,585 So that in the event of something like this happening, 125 00:07:46,668 --> 00:07:48,704 you have got slightly further to fall 126 00:07:48,788 --> 00:07:52,781 than if you were in the Records department, who are located on the first floor of this building. 127 00:07:53,148 --> 00:07:56,504 Very similar thoughts were going through my mind, Tony, 128 00:07:56,628 --> 00:08:00,098 as I travelled towards the pavement with gathering speed. 129 00:08:01,468 --> 00:08:05,177 But, Control, how did this whole sorry business come about? 130 00:08:05,428 --> 00:08:08,465 Well, Tony, I've got a confession to make. 131 00:08:08,708 --> 00:08:10,858 You see, one of the things I like to do 132 00:08:10,948 --> 00:08:13,667 before you very kindly bring me my morning coffee 133 00:08:13,748 --> 00:08:16,899 is to feed the pigeons who perch on the windowsill. 134 00:08:17,148 --> 00:08:19,184 Control, I can't say I'm altogether surprised. 135 00:08:19,268 --> 00:08:22,817 There had been some rumours in the canteen to that effect. 136 00:08:22,908 --> 00:08:27,504 Well, I'm glad to be able to silence those wagging tongues once and for all. 137 00:08:27,588 --> 00:08:29,579 I do feed the pigeons, 138 00:08:29,668 --> 00:08:33,707 and it was while doing so this morning that I fell out of the window. 139 00:08:34,468 --> 00:08:36,857 Control, I think I can picture the scene. 140 00:08:37,068 --> 00:08:39,104 Here you were at the window, 141 00:08:39,188 --> 00:08:41,258 so engrossed in what you were doing 142 00:08:41,348 --> 00:08:44,021 that you neglected not to fall out of it. 143 00:08:44,548 --> 00:08:46,027 Am I pretty near the mark? 144 00:08:46,108 --> 00:08:48,019 -Spot on, Tony. -Hmm. 145 00:08:48,108 --> 00:08:51,942 Well, I'll tell you another thing, Control, that's resulted from this adventure. 146 00:08:52,348 --> 00:08:55,465 It's past 11:00 and you've not had your coffee. 147 00:08:55,548 --> 00:08:58,187 Oh! It never rains but it pours, eh, Tony? 148 00:08:59,748 --> 00:09:04,663 Yes, Control, but quite often it rains and pours at the same time. 149 00:09:05,668 --> 00:09:08,580 Uhn. Tell you what, Tony. 150 00:09:09,268 --> 00:09:11,736 On your way to the coffee-making area, 151 00:09:11,828 --> 00:09:16,344 perhaps you could ask Valerie kindly to pop outside and apologise 152 00:09:16,428 --> 00:09:20,341 to an old lady who was selling flowers outside the main entrance. 153 00:09:20,428 --> 00:09:21,941 I'll certainly do that, Control. 154 00:09:22,028 --> 00:09:25,384 Did she happen to be the unlucky one who broke your fall? 155 00:09:25,628 --> 00:09:27,937 No, she was fortunate in that respect, Tony, 156 00:09:28,028 --> 00:09:32,897 but she might be a little bit upset that my fall was broken by her small grandson. 157 00:09:34,628 --> 00:09:35,981 Well, fair enough, Control. 158 00:09:36,068 --> 00:09:39,538 I expect that in that case, she'd welcome a cup of coffee too. 159 00:09:39,868 --> 00:09:41,506 Good thinking, Tony. 160 00:09:41,788 --> 00:09:44,302 Oh, now come on, Simon. 161 00:09:44,388 --> 00:09:46,504 You've caused enough trouble today. 162 00:09:46,588 --> 00:09:49,056 You're not getting a single seed. 163 00:09:49,668 --> 00:09:51,499 Oh, all right, then. 164 00:09:53,068 --> 00:09:54,342 There you are. 165 00:09:56,268 --> 00:09:57,257 Bo! 166 00:09:58,908 --> 00:10:00,864 You see, you've got an aura around you. 167 00:10:01,068 --> 00:10:03,502 We all, we all of us… We all have auras round us. 168 00:10:03,588 --> 00:10:06,739 Now, I can tell from your aura that you're wearing shoes. 169 00:10:06,908 --> 00:10:08,182 Am I right? 170 00:10:08,548 --> 00:10:13,542 Now, it's our firm belief here on A Bit of Fry and Laurie, 171 00:10:14,428 --> 00:10:17,500 married to a passionate girl from Stockton-on-Tees, 172 00:10:17,588 --> 00:10:22,298 that there is a right way and a wrong way to do everything. 173 00:10:22,388 --> 00:10:25,585 So, now I and my partner-in-crime, Hugh Laurie… 174 00:10:26,868 --> 00:10:31,737 I call him my partner-in-crime, but we don't actually commit crimes together of any kind. 175 00:10:33,708 --> 00:10:38,145 That's just… That's just a ghastly and unacceptable phrase I like to use. 176 00:10:38,228 --> 00:10:42,221 So, I and my, as I say, partner-in-crime… 177 00:10:44,988 --> 00:10:48,822 would now like to show you the right way and the wrong way 178 00:10:48,908 --> 00:10:52,583 to deal with a couple of young children who've come round on Halloween, 179 00:10:52,668 --> 00:10:54,147 a-trick-or-treating. 180 00:10:54,428 --> 00:10:57,579 Right, all we've gotta do now is wait for the doorbell to ring. 181 00:10:57,788 --> 00:10:58,937 Right. 182 00:10:59,428 --> 00:11:02,465 Er, nice carpet, Hugh. Tideymans? 183 00:11:02,548 --> 00:11:06,541 Well, who else? If you'll pardon the pun. 184 00:11:09,708 --> 00:11:10,743 What pun? 185 00:11:12,068 --> 00:11:13,899 Oh, wasn't there one? I'm sorry. 186 00:11:15,108 --> 00:11:16,097 -Ah! -Ha! 187 00:11:19,068 --> 00:11:20,706 Trick or treat, mister. 188 00:11:22,108 --> 00:11:24,941 -Ah! Trick or treat. -Trick or treat. 189 00:11:25,028 --> 00:11:28,941 So tell me, Steve, did we prepare a bag of jellybeans out back? 190 00:11:29,028 --> 00:11:32,225 We most certainly did, I'll go fetch them. 191 00:11:34,428 --> 00:11:37,704 So, young shaver snapper, do you like football, do you? 192 00:11:37,788 --> 00:11:39,779 -Yeah. -Yeah. Do you fancy Arsenal this year? 193 00:11:39,868 --> 00:11:42,780 No way. I quite fancy me sister, though. 194 00:11:46,748 --> 00:11:47,976 Here we are, then. 195 00:11:48,068 --> 00:11:50,138 There you go. Enjoy those. 196 00:11:50,548 --> 00:11:52,220 -Catch you guys later, all right. -All right. 197 00:11:52,308 --> 00:11:53,661 -Bye. -Bye-bye. 198 00:11:56,028 --> 00:11:58,861 That was, of course, ladies and gentlemen, the wrong way. 199 00:11:58,948 --> 00:12:00,301 -The wrong way! -Wrong way! 200 00:12:00,388 --> 00:12:01,662 -Wrong way! -Wrong way! 201 00:12:02,828 --> 00:12:04,659 We're now gonna show you the right way. 202 00:12:06,028 --> 00:12:07,586 Trick or treat, mister. 203 00:12:07,668 --> 00:12:08,783 -What? -What? 204 00:12:08,868 --> 00:12:10,665 -What did you say? -Trick or treat. 205 00:12:10,748 --> 00:12:12,943 -Trick or treat? -Ugh! Ugh! 206 00:12:13,028 --> 00:12:15,223 -Come here. You come here now. -What are you talking about? 207 00:12:15,308 --> 00:12:17,947 This is England, not America. What are you talking about? 208 00:12:18,028 --> 00:12:20,258 This is not America! 209 00:12:22,028 --> 00:12:24,223 We call it the Tideymans test, 210 00:12:24,308 --> 00:12:27,664 because only Tideymans carpets have the absorbency 211 00:12:27,748 --> 00:12:29,978 and luxurious shag pile bounce 212 00:12:30,068 --> 00:12:33,185 that can cushion a fall from even the highest of buildings. 213 00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:47,104 So if those two children had landed 15 feet further to the right, 214 00:12:47,188 --> 00:12:48,985 their lives would have been saved. 215 00:12:49,068 --> 00:12:52,299 Isn't it time you started thinking about a Tideymans in your life? 216 00:12:52,388 --> 00:12:54,777 The deep shag that really satisfies. 217 00:13:06,468 --> 00:13:08,345 Oh, I do beg your pardon. 218 00:13:10,268 --> 00:13:11,417 Ha! 219 00:13:13,748 --> 00:13:15,181 Play it again, Sam. 220 00:13:18,348 --> 00:13:20,816 -Well, that is brilliant, that. -Thank you. 221 00:13:21,548 --> 00:13:22,981 Play it again, Sam. 222 00:13:23,708 --> 00:13:24,743 Yes. 223 00:13:24,828 --> 00:13:28,298 Yeah, I used to play the piano, but I gave it up. 224 00:13:28,908 --> 00:13:30,102 -Really? -Yeah, 'cause you… 225 00:13:30,188 --> 00:13:32,065 You have to practise a lot, don't you? 226 00:13:32,148 --> 00:13:35,026 -That's quite right. -Yeah, it's all the practising. I couldn't take that. 227 00:13:35,108 --> 00:13:36,461 -Really? -Yeah. 228 00:13:36,548 --> 00:13:39,745 I'll tell you what, do you know that…? 229 00:13:39,828 --> 00:13:43,184 What's that song, Strangers in the Night? Do you know that one? 230 00:13:43,268 --> 00:13:44,383 -Strangers in the Night? -Yeah. 231 00:13:44,468 --> 00:13:46,106 -Yes, yes. -Oh, go on, play that one. 232 00:13:46,188 --> 00:13:48,099 Okay, it's Strangers in the Night. 233 00:13:48,188 --> 00:13:50,179 He's playing it. Go on. 234 00:13:51,428 --> 00:13:52,747 Oh, nice, yes. 235 00:13:53,868 --> 00:13:56,746 ♫ Some enchanted evening 236 00:13:57,708 --> 00:13:58,823 ♫ You… ♫ 237 00:13:58,908 --> 00:14:01,217 That's actually a different song. 238 00:14:01,308 --> 00:14:03,742 -What is? -“Some enchanted evening” 239 00:14:03,828 --> 00:14:06,581 comes from a song called Some Enchanted Evening. 240 00:14:07,548 --> 00:14:09,345 -No, it doesn't. -Yes, it does. 241 00:14:10,868 --> 00:14:14,099 ♫ Strangers in the night ♫ 242 00:14:14,788 --> 00:14:15,982 Yeah, which one do you want? 243 00:14:16,068 --> 00:14:18,707 No, Strangers in the Night, go on. Off you go. 244 00:14:19,428 --> 00:14:22,067 ♫ Strangers in the night ♫ 245 00:14:23,788 --> 00:14:25,460 What are the words to it? 246 00:14:25,988 --> 00:14:27,706 -“Exchanging glances.” -Exchanging glances, got it. 247 00:14:27,788 --> 00:14:29,016 All right, off you go. Go on. 248 00:14:29,108 --> 00:14:31,099 ♫ Strangers in the night, exchanging glances ♫ 249 00:14:31,188 --> 00:14:34,897 No, that's too high. Do it down there. Do it down there. 250 00:14:34,988 --> 00:14:36,023 ♫ Strange… ♫ 251 00:14:36,108 --> 00:14:37,700 That's it. Yeah, go on. 252 00:14:37,788 --> 00:14:40,222 ♫ Strangers in the night ♫ 253 00:14:40,308 --> 00:14:41,502 ♫ Exchanging… ♫ 254 00:14:41,588 --> 00:14:43,226 Oh, I'll tell you what, what's that other one? 255 00:14:43,308 --> 00:14:45,219 Erm, it goes… 256 00:14:46,068 --> 00:14:48,059 ♫ La de-di-da de-di-da 257 00:14:48,268 --> 00:14:49,587 ♫ My pretty one ♫ 258 00:14:49,668 --> 00:14:50,987 I don't think I know that one. 259 00:14:51,068 --> 00:14:53,787 Oh, you know. You must know that one. Everyone knows that one. 260 00:14:53,868 --> 00:14:56,780 I'll sing it for you. You follow along with me. 261 00:14:56,868 --> 00:14:58,665 ♫ La di-de-da di-de-da… ♫ 262 00:14:58,748 --> 00:15:00,227 Go on. Yes, that's it. 263 00:15:00,308 --> 00:15:01,582 ♫ La di-de-da 264 00:15:01,708 --> 00:15:03,619 ♫ My pretty one ♫ 265 00:15:03,868 --> 00:15:07,019 Oh, it's brilliant, that one. Who wrote that one? Er… 266 00:15:07,108 --> 00:15:09,144 -You did, I think. -No, no. 267 00:15:09,228 --> 00:15:10,707 No, I tell you what. Look, I'll… 268 00:15:10,788 --> 00:15:13,348 You shift up. You shift up, and I'll play, 'cause I do actually… 269 00:15:13,828 --> 00:15:15,056 No, I'll tell you what. 270 00:15:15,148 --> 00:15:18,345 I'll tell you what. I'll play you this one, 'cause this is absolutely my favourite one. 271 00:15:18,428 --> 00:15:20,896 Do you know this one? It goes… All right. 272 00:15:28,788 --> 00:15:31,507 -It's Beethoven, that is. -Is it? Is it, really? 273 00:15:31,948 --> 00:15:33,700 Always makes me very sad. 274 00:15:33,868 --> 00:15:35,301 Yes, I could weep. 275 00:15:51,468 --> 00:15:56,701 Berlin in 1924 was a shattered and divided city. 276 00:15:56,788 --> 00:15:58,699 No city for lovers. 277 00:15:59,068 --> 00:16:03,220 If Clarissa and I had known how brief our moments together were to be, 278 00:16:03,308 --> 00:16:05,026 perhaps we would have spent the time 279 00:16:05,108 --> 00:16:08,623 in the pension in the Friedrichstrasse with more care. 280 00:16:08,708 --> 00:16:11,984 But lovers are traditionally careless of time. 281 00:16:12,068 --> 00:16:14,298 -And what it… -Tell you what. Tell you what. 282 00:16:14,508 --> 00:16:16,021 Do you know this one? 283 00:16:22,628 --> 00:16:25,665 Oh, no, I absolutely, absolutely swear by these things. 284 00:16:25,948 --> 00:16:27,540 Okay, ask me anything. 285 00:16:27,628 --> 00:16:31,667 Ask me the time of day in Adelaide, anything, any… Tell you what. 286 00:16:31,748 --> 00:16:37,220 I'll tell you what I'm doing on the 3rd of August, 1997. 287 00:16:38,308 --> 00:16:39,627 There, you see? Nothing. 288 00:16:46,028 --> 00:16:47,347 What? What? 289 00:16:47,428 --> 00:16:52,582 Ah, we return to some form of consciousness, eh, Major? 290 00:16:52,668 --> 00:16:54,067 What? Where? 291 00:16:54,148 --> 00:16:56,787 You must forgive the rough methods of my colleagues, 292 00:16:56,868 --> 00:17:00,224 they are barbarians, barbarians. 293 00:17:00,308 --> 00:17:03,983 They have no finesse, it grieves me to say. 294 00:17:04,068 --> 00:17:05,979 Where the hell am I? 295 00:17:06,148 --> 00:17:08,378 You're fond of Matisse, Major? 296 00:17:09,068 --> 00:17:13,903 Such bold strokes of the brush, such masterly control. 297 00:17:15,308 --> 00:17:17,697 What were you doing so far in front of your own lines? 298 00:17:17,788 --> 00:17:20,541 What was the purpose of your operation? 299 00:17:21,308 --> 00:17:24,266 Donaldson, Eric. Major. 300 00:17:24,428 --> 00:17:27,147 Serial number 64003… 301 00:17:27,228 --> 00:17:30,504 Oh, come, come, Major. You can do so much better than that, 302 00:17:30,588 --> 00:17:32,579 you know, really, so much better. 303 00:17:32,668 --> 00:17:34,818 That's all you're getting out of me. 304 00:17:35,188 --> 00:17:37,827 Such a pity that our two nations are at war. 305 00:17:37,948 --> 00:17:40,098 We have so much in common, you know? 306 00:17:40,628 --> 00:17:43,938 Tell me, please, when is planned the invasion of France? 307 00:17:44,028 --> 00:17:46,337 Do you think I know that? 308 00:17:46,428 --> 00:17:49,818 And do you think if I did know, that I would tell… you? 309 00:17:50,628 --> 00:17:52,858 Oh, my God. 310 00:17:54,188 --> 00:17:55,541 What is the matter, please? 311 00:17:55,628 --> 00:17:58,096 You! I can't believe it! 312 00:17:58,788 --> 00:18:00,301 You are not believing what, please? 313 00:18:00,388 --> 00:18:03,698 You, you're so, so beautiful. 314 00:18:07,188 --> 00:18:08,507 What are you saying? 315 00:18:08,588 --> 00:18:13,264 That it should happen here and now, of all times and all places. 316 00:18:13,348 --> 00:18:16,420 This is it! I… I just can't believe it. 317 00:18:16,668 --> 00:18:21,458 You're the most fantastic and attractive creature I've ever laid eyes upon. 318 00:18:21,548 --> 00:18:25,621 Now, now. No. Don't… Don't play games with me, Major. 319 00:18:25,708 --> 00:18:28,666 Games? Games? This is no game. 320 00:18:28,748 --> 00:18:31,467 This is the realest thing that's ever happened to me. 321 00:18:31,548 --> 00:18:34,585 Where have you been all my life, you gorgeous darling? 322 00:18:35,028 --> 00:18:37,303 Now sit down, Major. 323 00:18:37,708 --> 00:18:40,666 Your eyes, they light up when you're angry. Did you know that? 324 00:18:40,748 --> 00:18:41,976 Now, look. 325 00:18:42,068 --> 00:18:44,059 There's so much time to make up for. 326 00:18:44,148 --> 00:18:47,345 I don't know anything about you. I don't know your name, your… 327 00:18:47,428 --> 00:18:50,864 Hauptsturmführer Friedrich von Stoltz. 328 00:18:50,948 --> 00:18:53,508 Friedrich. Yes! I like that, Friedrich. 329 00:18:53,588 --> 00:18:55,897 Major, have you taken leave of your senses? 330 00:18:55,988 --> 00:18:57,785 Yes! Yes, I have. 331 00:18:57,868 --> 00:19:02,339 For the first time in my life, I've taken leave of my senses, and I love it! 332 00:19:03,188 --> 00:19:07,147 Did anyone ever tell you, you have the sweetest, silliest little nose, 333 00:19:07,228 --> 00:19:09,901 and the biggest, bluest eyes? 334 00:19:09,988 --> 00:19:14,061 Now, I am going to give you one last warning, Major Donaldson. 335 00:19:15,348 --> 00:19:17,578 Get that arse! 336 00:19:19,548 --> 00:19:24,827 Friedrich, Friedrich, that has got to be the cutest little bum ever. 337 00:19:25,428 --> 00:19:28,386 No, no. Now, listen. Enough, Major, enough. 338 00:19:28,468 --> 00:19:29,787 Maybe… Ha! Yes. 339 00:19:29,868 --> 00:19:33,224 Maybe you are playing on me some of your English senses of humour. 340 00:19:33,308 --> 00:19:35,822 -But, you know… -Oh, that accent. 341 00:19:35,908 --> 00:19:40,504 It's so dreamy you could bathe in it. Kiss me, Friedikins, kiss me now. 342 00:19:40,588 --> 00:19:42,340 When is planned the invasion? 343 00:19:42,428 --> 00:19:45,386 Oh, who cares about a stupid little invasion? 344 00:19:45,468 --> 00:19:46,457 I do. 345 00:19:46,548 --> 00:19:50,780 Oh, all right, then. 6th of June, Normandy. 346 00:19:51,388 --> 00:19:55,620 But that doesn't matter. What matters is that we've found each other. 347 00:19:55,908 --> 00:19:58,058 6th of June, Normandy. 348 00:19:58,428 --> 00:20:03,377 Yes. Now, honey, don't you think that deserves a kiss? 349 00:20:03,828 --> 00:20:05,739 Well, maybe just a little one. 350 00:20:08,548 --> 00:20:11,267 Well… Oh, Christ, I've left the iron on. 351 00:20:12,428 --> 00:20:14,703 Cheers, Keith. Thanks for your time. 352 00:20:15,388 --> 00:20:16,821 -Damn it! -What? 353 00:20:17,388 --> 00:20:19,538 It's pretty much as we feared, John. 354 00:20:19,708 --> 00:20:22,176 -Yeah? -Only a whole heap worse. 355 00:20:22,348 --> 00:20:24,703 Suppose you start from the beginning. 356 00:20:25,308 --> 00:20:28,300 Not much to say. Seems that… 357 00:20:31,708 --> 00:20:36,543 Seems that 20 minutes ago, our time, Derwent Enterprises went into liquidation. 358 00:20:36,908 --> 00:20:37,977 What? 359 00:20:38,108 --> 00:20:40,827 Keith called a couple of hours ago from Helsinki. 360 00:20:40,908 --> 00:20:42,864 But that was Keith just now, surely. 361 00:20:43,148 --> 00:20:46,823 Yeah, just now, our time, but he called a couple of hours ago, his time. 362 00:20:47,348 --> 00:20:49,782 And he called to say that Derwent had gone under? 363 00:20:49,868 --> 00:20:51,460 -That's right. -Damn! 364 00:20:51,548 --> 00:20:53,186 Damn it to damnation! 365 00:20:53,308 --> 00:20:56,505 Damn, double damn and an extra slice of double damn. 366 00:20:57,028 --> 00:20:58,256 Who else knows this? 367 00:20:58,348 --> 00:21:00,703 Well, it's gonna be all around town before you can say, 368 00:21:00,788 --> 00:21:04,383 “Hell, triple blast and damn it to Hades twice.” 369 00:21:04,468 --> 00:21:06,857 Hell, triple blast and damn it to Had… 370 00:21:08,068 --> 00:21:10,059 Yup? Derek knows. 371 00:21:10,748 --> 00:21:12,022 Damn it! 372 00:21:12,108 --> 00:21:14,906 Christ, if they pull in their options, it doesn't bear thinking about. 373 00:21:14,988 --> 00:21:17,183 This whole health club could go belly up. 374 00:21:17,868 --> 00:21:21,304 Right. I wanna know who's behind them. 375 00:21:21,628 --> 00:21:23,823 I wanna know who's pulling the strings. 376 00:21:24,028 --> 00:21:27,304 I wanna know what in hell's name is going on. 377 00:21:27,588 --> 00:21:29,897 Damn it, John, I do believe you're scared. 378 00:21:29,988 --> 00:21:32,707 You're damn right I'm scared. 379 00:21:33,308 --> 00:21:36,505 I sense Marjorie's hand in this. 380 00:21:36,788 --> 00:21:38,016 Marjorie? 381 00:21:38,748 --> 00:21:42,184 I never told you this, Peter, but after Marjorie left me, 382 00:21:42,468 --> 00:21:45,505 I settled a block of shares on her and the boy. 383 00:21:46,588 --> 00:21:49,660 Shares in the health club? Were you out of your goddamn mind? 384 00:21:49,748 --> 00:21:50,817 In the club, no. 385 00:21:50,908 --> 00:21:54,821 No, I knew I couldn't trust her there, but I gave her shares in D-Tec. 386 00:21:55,148 --> 00:21:57,662 -And you think… -Think? I don't think anything. 387 00:21:57,748 --> 00:22:00,308 There isn't time to think. There's only time to act. 388 00:22:01,308 --> 00:22:06,177 But is Marjorie really capable of pulling a scrimshaw trick like this? 389 00:22:06,348 --> 00:22:11,138 Hell, Marjorie would float her own grandmother as a holding corporation 390 00:22:11,228 --> 00:22:15,665 and strip her bare of preference stock if she thought it would hurt me. 391 00:22:15,908 --> 00:22:19,344 Three pints of damn and a chaser of hell blast. 392 00:22:20,068 --> 00:22:21,740 What about the boy, John? 393 00:22:22,228 --> 00:22:23,900 The boy is Dennis, Peter. 394 00:22:25,508 --> 00:22:27,897 No, no. What about the boy, John? 395 00:22:27,988 --> 00:22:30,821 You leave the boy out of this. He's just a boy. 396 00:22:30,908 --> 00:22:33,627 -There's something I've always wondered, John. -Yeah? 397 00:22:33,708 --> 00:22:37,587 How the boy ended up living with Marjorie after the divorce? 398 00:22:38,148 --> 00:22:41,538 The court ruled that I was violent and unstable. 399 00:22:41,628 --> 00:22:43,459 An unfit father. 400 00:22:43,868 --> 00:22:45,824 Well, that's a damn joke, John. 401 00:22:46,148 --> 00:22:49,106 If they could have seen how you've parented this company. 402 00:22:49,188 --> 00:22:53,864 Yeah, well, Marjorie told them a story about how one night I'd been working late. 403 00:22:53,948 --> 00:22:56,985 I came home, and I sensed in Marjorie's eyes and voice 404 00:22:57,068 --> 00:22:59,536 a sneering, a mocking, I don't know. 405 00:22:59,948 --> 00:23:04,339 I suppose I must have flipped. I emptied a bowl of trifle all over her. 406 00:23:05,388 --> 00:23:07,185 So, she got custody. 407 00:23:07,268 --> 00:23:08,417 Very. 408 00:23:12,068 --> 00:23:16,619 Well, it must have hurt, John. Must have hurt, not being able to watch Dennis grow up. 409 00:23:16,708 --> 00:23:20,144 Hurt, no. No, the boy means nothing to me now. 410 00:23:20,228 --> 00:23:22,378 Oh, yeah, John? Oh, yeah? 411 00:23:22,468 --> 00:23:24,140 So how come every year on his birthday 412 00:23:24,228 --> 00:23:27,300 you take him down to London to see Phantom Of The Opera? 413 00:23:27,788 --> 00:23:29,699 I do that because I hate him. 414 00:23:30,948 --> 00:23:32,222 Well, fair enough. 415 00:23:32,308 --> 00:23:35,300 But I give Marjorie due warning this day. 416 00:23:35,388 --> 00:23:39,176 If she wants a fight, then by arse she's gonna get one. 417 00:23:39,548 --> 00:23:42,506 -And the prize, John? -It's as big as they get, Peter. 418 00:23:42,588 --> 00:23:47,139 The entire leisure market in the Uttoxeter catchment area goes to the winner. 419 00:23:47,348 --> 00:23:49,145 No strings attached. 420 00:23:49,868 --> 00:23:53,304 Why can't you leave me alone? 421 00:23:54,468 --> 00:23:58,222 John, what was it you once said to me about perspective? 422 00:23:58,508 --> 00:24:01,102 I seem to remember asking how it was spelt. 423 00:24:02,188 --> 00:24:03,826 No, no. After that. 424 00:24:05,068 --> 00:24:07,866 What are you trying to say to me, Peter? 425 00:24:07,948 --> 00:24:09,586 I'm saying… 426 00:24:10,588 --> 00:24:12,306 I'm saying, damn it, I'm here. 427 00:24:12,388 --> 00:24:16,267 Marjorie's, well, 150 miles away, her time. 428 00:24:16,508 --> 00:24:20,820 And, well, if you and I, we can't fight this bastard, son of a mongrel, hellcat bitch, 429 00:24:20,908 --> 00:24:24,662 well, then we aren't the team that weathered the Tideymans crisis 430 00:24:24,788 --> 00:24:27,621 and came up smelling of roses. That's what I'm saying. 431 00:24:27,708 --> 00:24:29,585 Damn it, Peter, you're right. 432 00:24:30,628 --> 00:24:33,301 Call Ipswich now, your time, 433 00:24:33,388 --> 00:24:38,223 and tell them that Derwent Enterprises or no Derwent Enterprises, 434 00:24:38,308 --> 00:24:42,824 this health club is in business and stays in business. 435 00:24:42,948 --> 00:24:47,738 -And if Marjorie should call, John? -Marjorie? Never heard of her. 436 00:24:47,828 --> 00:24:50,342 Damn it, John, I love it when you're flying. 437 00:24:50,428 --> 00:24:54,865 Right, Sarah, get in a pot of hot, strong coffee and a dozen memo pads. 438 00:24:56,228 --> 00:24:59,425 Right. Let's get the hell out of here before they arrive. 439 00:24:59,828 --> 00:25:02,137 -Damn! -Damn! 440 00:25:03,428 --> 00:25:05,259 Oh, this is, er…? 441 00:25:05,468 --> 00:25:07,504 This is one of them hidden camera things, is it? 442 00:25:08,308 --> 00:25:11,823 No? Oh, well, 'cause I was gonna say, it's not very well hidden, is it? 443 00:25:19,828 --> 00:25:22,820 Now, ladies and gentlemen, we're very excited. 444 00:25:22,908 --> 00:25:24,626 -We're very excited, aren't we, Hugh? -Yes. 445 00:25:24,708 --> 00:25:28,542 We're certainly tremendously excited. Shall I tell them or will you? 446 00:25:28,748 --> 00:25:32,058 I think you'd better tell them because I don't know what you're going to say. 447 00:25:33,308 --> 00:25:35,185 Well, ladies and gentlemen, 448 00:25:35,268 --> 00:25:40,296 our final item this evening, our end sketch, has been stolen. 449 00:25:40,948 --> 00:25:43,303 -Stolen? -Mmm, by Omar Sharif. 450 00:25:44,668 --> 00:25:46,659 -Again? God! -Yes. 451 00:25:46,748 --> 00:25:49,581 Well, I say stolen. I lost it to him in a game of backgammon. 452 00:25:49,668 --> 00:25:53,058 And even as we speak, he's using it as his end sketch 453 00:25:53,148 --> 00:25:55,981 in Monaco TV's Omar Sharif Comedy Hour. 454 00:25:57,188 --> 00:26:01,306 So that means we're going to have to improvise our end sketch this week. 455 00:26:01,388 --> 00:26:03,822 Ah, well now, you see, now I know why you were excited. 456 00:26:03,908 --> 00:26:06,661 Because, of course, improvisation is very much the coming thing, isn't it? 457 00:26:06,748 --> 00:26:09,103 That's right, that's right. Everybody's at it. 458 00:26:09,188 --> 00:26:12,066 Apparently David Vine, “The Guv'nor”… 459 00:26:12,188 --> 00:26:15,976 -Even David Vine improvises. Has been for years. -Mmm-hmm. 460 00:26:16,068 --> 00:26:17,899 -So does Mike Smith. -That's right. 461 00:26:17,988 --> 00:26:24,097 Everything that The Guv'nor and Smitty say just comes to them off the top of their brains. 462 00:26:24,188 --> 00:26:25,667 -Frightening. -Mmm. 463 00:26:25,988 --> 00:26:28,183 Now, in order to prove to you 464 00:26:28,268 --> 00:26:32,546 that the sketch we're going to end this evening with is totally improvised, 465 00:26:32,628 --> 00:26:37,577 we're going to ask you, the audience, to give us, the us, 466 00:26:37,788 --> 00:26:43,021 some kind of first line on which we can build our improvised sketch. 467 00:26:43,108 --> 00:26:46,544 That's right, and to give you some idea of a suitable sort of thing for a first line, 468 00:26:46,628 --> 00:26:51,338 we're going to show you some first lines from the A Bit of Fry and Laurie First Line Archive. 469 00:26:53,908 --> 00:26:57,059 Erm… has Deborah Munnings arrived yet? 470 00:26:58,268 --> 00:27:01,260 Yes, I'd like to apply to become a homosexual, please. 471 00:27:12,788 --> 00:27:16,417 -I didn't know you had spots. -I haven't, just great looking hair. 472 00:27:23,628 --> 00:27:26,062 ♫ When somebody loves you 473 00:27:26,628 --> 00:27:29,586 ♫ It's no good unless they love you ♫ 474 00:27:32,828 --> 00:27:37,106 Well, perhaps I can press you to a cream slice, as I once said to an actress. 475 00:27:39,348 --> 00:27:41,066 Has Deborah Munnings arrived yet? 476 00:27:42,148 --> 00:27:45,185 So if any of you have any ideas for first lines of sketches 477 00:27:45,268 --> 00:27:47,418 -that we can improvise, well, hit us now. -Anybody? 478 00:27:47,508 --> 00:27:51,786 Hit us hard. The first line. Some first line that we can weave some kind of magic around. 479 00:27:51,868 --> 00:27:53,017 First line. Yes? 480 00:27:53,108 --> 00:27:54,302 Do you sell grapefruit? 481 00:27:54,388 --> 00:27:56,982 -Do you sell grapefruit? -Do you sell grapefruit? 482 00:27:57,068 --> 00:27:58,057 Well, it's a… 483 00:27:58,148 --> 00:28:00,218 We can weave a pretty tantalising spell around that one. 484 00:28:00,308 --> 00:28:02,458 -Okay, we'll try this. -Christ, yes. Fabulous. Whoo! 485 00:28:02,548 --> 00:28:04,379 -All right. -All right, so, ladies and gentlemen, 486 00:28:04,468 --> 00:28:07,540 we now present our improvised sketch entitled “Do You Sell Grapefruit?” 487 00:28:07,628 --> 00:28:09,744 Yes, I'm hot for this. Hot, hot, hottie. 488 00:28:09,828 --> 00:28:12,137 Right. All right, okay. 489 00:28:14,148 --> 00:28:15,137 What? 490 00:28:15,588 --> 00:28:17,738 I'll be the grapefruit seller, you be the customer. 491 00:28:17,828 --> 00:28:20,467 Oh, right. Yes, okay, right. Let's go. Right. 492 00:28:20,868 --> 00:28:22,506 Wait a minute. What do I say? 493 00:28:23,988 --> 00:28:26,741 -You make it up as you go along. -Oh, I make it up as I go along, yes. 494 00:28:26,828 --> 00:28:29,581 Oh, I'm excited about this. Yes, right, okay. 495 00:28:31,508 --> 00:28:33,544 Do you sell any grapefruit? 496 00:28:34,108 --> 00:28:35,257 Yes. 497 00:28:41,948 --> 00:28:43,506 Right, I'll have three, please. 498 00:28:44,588 --> 00:28:46,465 They're 14 pence each. 499 00:28:47,668 --> 00:28:50,341 -Here's 50p. -Thank you. 500 00:28:51,468 --> 00:28:55,825 Here's 8p change and your grapefruits. 501 00:28:56,268 --> 00:28:57,587 Thank you. 502 00:28:58,508 --> 00:29:00,578 -Well, we just made that one up! -That's amazing. 503 00:29:00,668 --> 00:29:02,624 -All up. -Every word of it. 504 00:29:03,468 --> 00:29:04,947 Unbelievable. 505 00:29:06,708 --> 00:29:08,938 -We're very excited about it. -Oh, yes, yes. 506 00:29:09,028 --> 00:29:12,623 Well, seeing as being as how we're on a roll, 507 00:29:12,708 --> 00:29:16,223 -does anybody have any other suggestions at all? -Any more first lines? 508 00:29:16,308 --> 00:29:17,741 You're wearing my hat. 509 00:29:17,828 --> 00:29:21,423 -Well, yes, there could be something there. -Good one. Any others? 510 00:29:21,948 --> 00:29:23,222 Bugger off! 511 00:29:24,228 --> 00:29:26,822 -Bugger off. -Bugger off, now… 512 00:29:27,148 --> 00:29:30,618 -It's not really a line, is it? -No, it's more of a sort of idea, really. 513 00:29:33,628 --> 00:29:35,698 -It's quite a good idea, though, isn't it? -Yeah, yeah. 514 00:29:35,788 --> 00:29:36,903 -Should we do it? -Let's do it. 515 00:29:36,988 --> 00:29:38,387 -We'll do it. We'll do it, right. -Okay. 516 00:29:38,468 --> 00:29:40,538 -Nice jacket. Tideymans? -No, Allied.