1 00:02:20,750 --> 00:02:22,069 Cloffing. 2 00:02:23,350 --> 00:02:24,544 Prunk. 3 00:02:25,550 --> 00:02:26,665 Shote. 4 00:02:27,390 --> 00:02:28,425 Cucking. 5 00:02:28,510 --> 00:02:29,659 Skank. 6 00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:31,299 Fusk. 7 00:02:31,630 --> 00:02:33,029 Pempslider. 8 00:02:33,750 --> 00:02:35,945 No, we weren't going to use that one. 9 00:02:36,150 --> 00:02:38,106 -Weren't we? -No, if you remember, that's, you know, 10 00:02:38,190 --> 00:02:39,748 that's a bit too much. 11 00:02:39,830 --> 00:02:41,343 -What, pempslider? -Sh, yes. 12 00:02:41,430 --> 00:02:42,579 Sorry. Right. 13 00:02:43,190 --> 00:02:45,579 Lastly, pim-hole. 14 00:02:45,710 --> 00:02:47,063 Ha! 15 00:02:47,390 --> 00:02:49,745 So, here it is, ladies and gentlemen, 16 00:02:49,830 --> 00:02:53,505 please welcome our first sketch, crammed with these viscous swearwords. 17 00:02:54,750 --> 00:02:57,742 Erm, now, then, Sergeant Henderson, perhaps you'd care to tell the court 18 00:02:57,830 --> 00:03:00,264 what the accused said at the moment of arrest. 19 00:03:00,350 --> 00:03:02,739 Yes, sir. May I consult my notes, my lord? 20 00:03:02,830 --> 00:03:05,549 Certainly, certainly, certainly. By all means, yes. 21 00:03:06,110 --> 00:03:09,864 I apprehended the accused and advised him of his rights. 22 00:03:09,950 --> 00:03:14,307 He replied, “Why don't you ram it up your pim-hole? 23 00:03:14,390 --> 00:03:16,904 “You, fusking cloff-prunker.” 24 00:03:18,990 --> 00:03:22,619 Now, forgive my ignorance, Mr Clarkson, but what exactly is a “cloff-prunker”? 25 00:03:22,710 --> 00:03:25,065 -Er, well, my lord, it's a… -Yes. 26 00:03:25,150 --> 00:03:28,267 -An illicit practice, whereby one person… -Well? 27 00:03:28,350 --> 00:03:30,580 Er, whereby one person… 28 00:03:31,790 --> 00:03:33,985 frangulates another's plimp, my lord. 29 00:03:35,790 --> 00:03:37,143 Silence! He does what? 30 00:03:37,590 --> 00:03:42,106 He or she gratifies the other party by smuctating them avially. 31 00:03:42,270 --> 00:03:44,067 Good God! 32 00:03:44,590 --> 00:03:47,821 How absolutely disgusting! Do people really do that sort of thing? 33 00:03:47,910 --> 00:03:49,138 I believe so, my lord. 34 00:03:49,230 --> 00:03:51,505 -Very well. Carry on. -Thank you, my lord. 35 00:03:51,590 --> 00:03:53,660 Erm, so, Sergeant Henderson, 36 00:03:53,790 --> 00:03:56,224 after you arrested the accused, you took him to the police station. 37 00:03:56,310 --> 00:03:58,301 Do you have a transcript of the interrogation that ensued? 38 00:03:58,390 --> 00:03:59,743 I have, sir, yes. 39 00:03:59,830 --> 00:04:03,027 I asked him if he could explain his whereabouts on the night in question. 40 00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:07,900 He replied, “I was in all night, wasn't I, you pempslider?” 41 00:04:07,990 --> 00:04:10,106 -“Pempslider”? -Er, yes, my lord… 42 00:04:10,190 --> 00:04:13,580 No, thank you, Mr Clarkson. I'm not entirely ignorant in these matters. 43 00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:14,989 I beg your pardon, sir. 44 00:04:15,070 --> 00:04:16,867 I did go to Winchester, you know. 45 00:04:19,030 --> 00:04:21,146 Er, so, Sergeant? 46 00:04:21,270 --> 00:04:25,582 Um, he said, “Skank off, you cloffing cuck! 47 00:04:25,950 --> 00:04:29,340 “You're all a load of shote-bag fuskers, 48 00:04:29,430 --> 00:04:32,866 “so prunk that up your prime-ministering pim-hole.” 49 00:04:35,230 --> 00:04:36,868 And what did you say to that? 50 00:04:36,950 --> 00:04:40,420 Er, I told him to mind his language, my lord. 51 00:04:40,510 --> 00:04:42,307 I should bloody well think so. 52 00:04:45,510 --> 00:04:49,947 Well, I thought the whole thing was, erm, disgusting. 53 00:04:50,030 --> 00:04:52,100 The whole thing was simply disgusting. 54 00:04:52,190 --> 00:04:54,385 -Yes, did you…? -And there was no warning given 55 00:04:54,470 --> 00:04:57,507 as to what was in store. None whatsoever. 56 00:04:57,590 --> 00:04:58,864 We have the producer with us… 57 00:04:58,950 --> 00:05:01,669 Now, for goodness sake, what if my children had been watching, hmm? 58 00:05:01,750 --> 00:05:03,786 I mean, no thought had been given to this at all. 59 00:05:03,870 --> 00:05:07,260 -Did your children actually see the programme? -No, no, no, no. No, they didn't. 60 00:05:07,350 --> 00:05:11,229 They didn't see it, no. But only thanks to the purest of good fortunes 61 00:05:11,310 --> 00:05:13,619 that they don't actually happen to have been born yet. 62 00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:18,421 Otherwise, I dread to think what damage may have been caused. 63 00:05:18,510 --> 00:05:20,182 It was simply disgusting. 64 00:05:20,350 --> 00:05:22,545 -Yes, I think… -Simply disgusting. 65 00:05:23,430 --> 00:05:24,829 Turning… 66 00:05:25,350 --> 00:05:27,500 Simply disgusting. 67 00:05:27,830 --> 00:05:30,298 So, Colin Essdale, you're producer, 68 00:05:30,390 --> 00:05:34,429 -do you feel, Colin, that you… -Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. 69 00:05:35,350 --> 00:05:38,262 This is obviously a very difficult problem. 70 00:05:38,510 --> 00:05:41,866 Perhaps, it might help if I explain 71 00:05:41,950 --> 00:05:46,102 that I don't give a flying toss about Mrs Barrett or her feeble views. 72 00:05:46,910 --> 00:05:48,468 Well, erm… 73 00:05:49,150 --> 00:05:50,344 I beg your pardon? 74 00:05:50,430 --> 00:05:52,990 Now, I've only got an estimated, erm… 75 00:05:53,670 --> 00:05:55,820 47 years left on this planet 76 00:05:55,910 --> 00:05:58,105 and I don't propose to waste any more of them 77 00:05:58,190 --> 00:06:02,183 in idle chatter with a confused old gasbag like you. 78 00:06:03,510 --> 00:06:06,343 So, I'm off to talk to a friend about making another programme, 79 00:06:06,430 --> 00:06:11,424 which I fully expect and hope that will irritate you and your half-witted friends even more. 80 00:06:11,510 --> 00:06:13,068 Goodbye. 81 00:06:15,990 --> 00:06:20,461 So, Mrs Barrett, are you satisfied with what you've heard? 82 00:06:22,590 --> 00:06:24,706 -Well, not really, no. -Tough. 83 00:06:24,870 --> 00:06:27,179 Colin Essdale, a last word from you? 84 00:06:27,870 --> 00:06:29,019 Pim-hole. 85 00:06:29,710 --> 00:06:33,225 I had shares in gas, water, electricity, the lot. 86 00:06:33,390 --> 00:06:36,109 But then the government sold them all, unfortunately. 87 00:06:36,950 --> 00:06:40,022 Yes, I've had sexual intercourse with her, yes, 88 00:06:40,110 --> 00:06:41,862 but only in the biblical sense. 89 00:06:47,230 --> 00:06:48,504 Ah, good morning. 90 00:06:49,150 --> 00:06:51,186 Sir, it is a good morning. 91 00:06:51,990 --> 00:06:54,424 Sir is handsomely right to say so. 92 00:06:54,990 --> 00:06:56,139 Yes, right. 93 00:06:56,230 --> 00:06:58,949 Was sir aware, I'm in the business of wondering, 94 00:06:59,030 --> 00:07:02,909 that I made so bold as to remark to the youngest of my mothers earlier today 95 00:07:02,990 --> 00:07:06,665 on the goodness of the morning, as she wheeled me into an upright position? 96 00:07:07,150 --> 00:07:09,459 Was sir in an awareness of that? 97 00:07:10,350 --> 00:07:11,988 Er, no. No, I had no idea. 98 00:07:12,350 --> 00:07:15,183 “Here is a morning, mother of my bosom,” I averred, 99 00:07:15,270 --> 00:07:17,022 “as fine and crisp and gutty 100 00:07:17,110 --> 00:07:20,102 “as any since the days that Compton and Edrich opened for England 101 00:07:20,190 --> 00:07:23,739 “and the sun never went down on the British without asking permission first.” 102 00:07:26,310 --> 00:07:29,541 -Did you? -Sir, I did. I did, sir. 103 00:07:30,110 --> 00:07:33,500 And if two broad-shouldered, long-fingered young men such as ourselves 104 00:07:33,590 --> 00:07:35,501 can come independently to the conclusion 105 00:07:35,590 --> 00:07:38,900 that the morning they are currently experiencing is one of a goodness, 106 00:07:38,990 --> 00:07:41,299 then one of a goodness it most assuredly is. 107 00:07:42,110 --> 00:07:43,304 -Really? -Really, sir, 108 00:07:43,390 --> 00:07:46,666 and you can spank me quietly with a chamois leather if it isn't, sir. 109 00:07:48,350 --> 00:07:50,784 -Aha. Now… -But sir didn't come into this shop 110 00:07:50,870 --> 00:07:53,020 to trade insults with me on the state of the morning, 111 00:07:53,110 --> 00:07:57,149 unless I'm more vastly mistaken than a man who thinks that Hilaire Belloc is still alive. 112 00:07:57,870 --> 00:07:59,144 No, no, I… 113 00:07:59,230 --> 00:08:00,868 Do sit down, sir. 114 00:08:00,950 --> 00:08:03,225 Oh, thank you very much. 115 00:08:03,310 --> 00:08:08,748 No, sir has brought his fine, handsomely-wrought young frame into this shop 116 00:08:08,830 --> 00:08:13,187 with the express purpose of going about the business of buying some jewellery. 117 00:08:13,270 --> 00:08:16,865 -Am I close to the mark? -Er, yes. That's more or less right, yes. 118 00:08:18,150 --> 00:08:20,141 Do you mind if we stand up, sir? 119 00:08:20,430 --> 00:08:24,184 I think perhaps your sitting down idea was a little ahead of its time. 120 00:08:25,470 --> 00:08:28,507 Er, yes, now, the thing is, I'm getting engaged next week… 121 00:08:28,590 --> 00:08:30,228 Would you like an Opal Fruit? 122 00:08:32,350 --> 00:08:35,228 A nice strawberry Opal Fruit, or indeed any flavour? 123 00:08:36,030 --> 00:08:38,703 Oh, well, yes, that'll be very nice, thank you. 124 00:08:39,030 --> 00:08:40,622 I won't be long. 125 00:08:44,710 --> 00:08:45,859 Where are you going? 126 00:08:45,950 --> 00:08:47,224 -Where am I going? -Yes. 127 00:08:47,310 --> 00:08:50,507 There is a sweetshop not two miles away from here 128 00:08:50,590 --> 00:08:52,945 and I happen to know that they sell Opal Fruits. 129 00:08:53,030 --> 00:08:55,385 No, no, no. Really, don't bother. 130 00:08:55,470 --> 00:08:56,869 -Don't bother? -No, really. 131 00:08:56,950 --> 00:08:59,942 Is sir in absolute possession of sureness in this regard? 132 00:09:00,030 --> 00:09:01,907 I just came in here for an engagement ring. 133 00:09:01,990 --> 00:09:04,709 I merely thought that if you, you know, if you had an Opal Fruit on you… 134 00:09:04,790 --> 00:09:07,304 On me? Sir, I have no Opal Fruit on me. 135 00:09:07,990 --> 00:09:11,300 I can and will go further, I have never had an Opal Fruit on me. 136 00:09:11,390 --> 00:09:14,268 Perhaps sir would like to check the top of my head if he remains unconvinced. 137 00:09:14,350 --> 00:09:16,739 No, look, can we just forget about the Opal Fruit? 138 00:09:16,830 --> 00:09:19,742 The Opal Fruit is irrelevant. Can we just concentrate on the engagement ring? 139 00:09:19,830 --> 00:09:22,185 Sir, I am chastened and bowed. 140 00:09:22,270 --> 00:09:26,422 Ever the man of affairs, sir has reminded us all, all of our duty. 141 00:09:26,510 --> 00:09:28,978 -An engagement ring for sir. -That's right. 142 00:09:29,070 --> 00:09:31,982 What flavour of engagement ring have you in mind? 143 00:09:32,270 --> 00:09:33,703 Flavour? What are you talking about? 144 00:09:33,790 --> 00:09:36,543 Just my little joke. You'll humour a dying man. 145 00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:42,189 We have a large range of engagement rings which I would ask sir to cast over with sir's eyes, 146 00:09:42,270 --> 00:09:44,784 which I cannot help but notice, are of a startling cobalt blue 147 00:09:44,870 --> 00:09:48,783 that would go very well with the wallpaper in one of my god-niece's back rooms. 148 00:09:49,910 --> 00:09:52,026 -Right, I'm leaving. -How about this one, sir? 149 00:09:52,110 --> 00:09:53,941 -What? -This one here, sir. 150 00:09:55,950 --> 00:09:58,862 Er, well, yes, that's quite nice. 151 00:09:58,950 --> 00:10:01,510 Sir, the issue of the “quite niceness” of this particular ring 152 00:10:01,590 --> 00:10:03,979 has been raised in Prime Minister's Question Time. 153 00:10:05,550 --> 00:10:06,949 Well, how much is this one? 154 00:10:07,030 --> 00:10:11,069 I would be wrong to let it go for more than 40,000 of your Earth pounds. 155 00:10:15,590 --> 00:10:17,103 £40,000? 156 00:10:17,190 --> 00:10:20,307 I would be equally at fault if I let it go for less than 90. 157 00:10:22,270 --> 00:10:25,342 Right. So, it's between £40,000 and £90. 158 00:10:25,430 --> 00:10:28,263 Sir is as dogged in his pursuit of detail 159 00:10:28,350 --> 00:10:31,820 as Roy Walker, presenter of the never-popular Catchphrase, 160 00:10:31,910 --> 00:10:34,947 is dogged in his pursuit of a thick earlet. 161 00:10:36,510 --> 00:10:39,900 Yes, perhaps you could, in preference to me walking out of here 162 00:10:39,990 --> 00:10:44,859 just after hitting you very hard in the face, just tell me the frigging price. 163 00:10:45,790 --> 00:10:49,305 Since sir has been kind enough never to be Peter Sissons, 164 00:10:49,390 --> 00:10:53,702 I can let him have it for 218 poundingtons. 165 00:10:53,790 --> 00:10:55,189 £218? 166 00:10:55,270 --> 00:10:58,023 200 and 18 pounds that should be. 167 00:10:59,870 --> 00:11:03,101 -That's what I said. -That's what you said, I barely spoke at all. 168 00:11:03,390 --> 00:11:05,984 Right. Well, could you put it in a presentation box, please? 169 00:11:06,070 --> 00:11:08,538 There's no need, sir, I'll wear it straight away. 170 00:11:10,310 --> 00:11:12,665 -I beg your pardon? -And I really think you should talk to Father. 171 00:11:12,750 --> 00:11:14,263 He's upstairs in the cellar. 172 00:11:15,510 --> 00:11:17,102 Right, now I really am leaving. 173 00:11:17,190 --> 00:11:18,782 Leaving? But we're engaged. 174 00:11:18,870 --> 00:11:20,098 Goodbye. 175 00:11:22,190 --> 00:11:24,021 Men are such bastards. 176 00:11:26,750 --> 00:11:30,663 I can still remember my first ever girlfriend. 177 00:11:31,030 --> 00:11:33,544 Er, her name was Latifah. 178 00:11:34,670 --> 00:11:40,063 And she was something like the chief engineer on a Syrian minesweeper. 179 00:11:41,350 --> 00:11:43,545 I met her at a party in High Wycombe. Nice girl. 180 00:11:43,750 --> 00:11:45,502 A bit soppy, but nice. 181 00:11:45,710 --> 00:11:48,702 Er, and then there was Judith. 182 00:11:49,470 --> 00:11:51,301 Judith was amazing. 183 00:11:51,390 --> 00:11:53,301 I met her… Let me see, 184 00:11:53,430 --> 00:11:59,426 at the semi-final of The Daily Telegraph crossword competition in… 185 00:12:00,550 --> 00:12:04,065 I can't remember when. Peterborough, I think it must've been. 186 00:12:04,510 --> 00:12:08,867 And she cheated, I'm afraid. She had a dictionary hidden in her tights. 187 00:12:09,470 --> 00:12:11,426 But then, so did I. 188 00:12:11,790 --> 00:12:13,269 Erm, Judith… 189 00:12:15,110 --> 00:12:17,783 Judith worked for the Baader-Meinhof group. 190 00:12:17,870 --> 00:12:19,940 Er, I don't know what as. A secretary or something. 191 00:12:20,230 --> 00:12:24,018 But she was the one who introduced me to Lola, who I eventually married. 192 00:12:24,390 --> 00:12:25,869 Quite by accident, as it happens. 193 00:12:25,950 --> 00:12:30,944 Lola was flying VC-10's for British Airways, or BOAC as it was then. 194 00:12:31,270 --> 00:12:32,703 And, er, 195 00:12:33,070 --> 00:12:36,949 I was on board when she did this emergency landing in Helsinki. 196 00:12:37,270 --> 00:12:39,261 Er, because of an undercarriage failure or something, 197 00:12:39,350 --> 00:12:43,707 and I went forward to congratulate her on this brilliant piece of flying. 198 00:12:43,870 --> 00:12:46,589 And she didn't speak any English at all, 199 00:12:46,670 --> 00:12:49,662 and I only have a smattering of Hebrew. 200 00:12:50,270 --> 00:12:52,067 So it wasn't until the next day that I realised 201 00:12:52,150 --> 00:12:55,028 that I'd actually mistakenly asked her to marry me. 202 00:12:55,390 --> 00:12:57,950 Er, she died at the ceremony. 203 00:12:58,230 --> 00:13:00,539 Which was very sad 'cause I really did love her. 204 00:13:00,630 --> 00:13:04,305 Er, but she was in her eighties or early nineties, if I remember. 205 00:13:04,390 --> 00:13:06,699 So it was a good innings, anyway. 206 00:13:08,350 --> 00:13:11,342 And then after Lola there was, er… 207 00:13:12,950 --> 00:13:13,985 Felicity. 208 00:13:15,150 --> 00:13:18,347 Who was, I suppose… I suppose you call her a piss artist. 209 00:13:19,990 --> 00:13:21,708 I mean, she was really a piss artist. 210 00:13:21,790 --> 00:13:25,021 She used to daub these enormous canvases with urine. 211 00:13:26,990 --> 00:13:29,140 Not hers, I don't think, but I could be wrong. 212 00:13:29,230 --> 00:13:31,221 Dora, who… 213 00:13:32,190 --> 00:13:36,308 I don't really remember much about Dora, except that she was immensely tall. 214 00:13:36,390 --> 00:13:38,779 She was well over seven feet tall. 215 00:13:39,070 --> 00:13:40,583 You know, really tall. 216 00:13:43,430 --> 00:13:47,423 Oh, yes. She used to have these sneezing fits whenever she went to the theatre. 217 00:13:47,510 --> 00:13:49,819 It was only the theatre that did it, funnily enough. 218 00:13:49,910 --> 00:13:51,628 'Cause I remember we, er, 219 00:13:51,710 --> 00:13:55,908 we had tickets to see the second night of Look Back in Anger, in Lisbon. 220 00:13:56,230 --> 00:13:57,629 And… 221 00:13:58,070 --> 00:14:00,868 You know, almost before it had started, there she was just sneezing away. 222 00:14:00,950 --> 00:14:05,182 We left. Couldn't… Didn't see any of it. Still haven't seen it, in fact. 223 00:14:06,230 --> 00:14:10,018 Er, then after Dora, let me see, who came after that, hmm… 224 00:14:10,950 --> 00:14:14,260 It's weird, isn't it? I mean, where to they find these people? 225 00:14:14,350 --> 00:14:15,465 I know. 226 00:14:15,550 --> 00:14:19,828 I mean, nobody has actually come out of a barbershop looking like that. 227 00:14:21,350 --> 00:14:22,669 Oh, well, anyway. 228 00:14:25,910 --> 00:14:29,425 Now, ladies and gentlemen, mystery objects. 229 00:14:29,510 --> 00:14:32,707 I wonder, how many of you can guess what this is. 230 00:14:33,070 --> 00:14:34,742 Er, any ideas, Stephen? 231 00:14:34,830 --> 00:14:36,741 -No, not really. -No? 232 00:14:36,830 --> 00:14:38,263 Oh, unless… 233 00:14:38,630 --> 00:14:40,746 Ah, are we going back to 1974? 234 00:14:40,830 --> 00:14:43,298 1974, that's absolutely right. Yes. 235 00:14:43,390 --> 00:14:46,143 Erm, ladies and gentlemen, this was one of the stars 236 00:14:46,230 --> 00:14:50,462 of an episode of Doctor Who, way back in 1974. 237 00:14:50,550 --> 00:14:53,860 This was one of the Wondarks from the Watei galaxy. 238 00:14:53,950 --> 00:14:56,589 Well, it was the Wondark spaceship, wasn't it? 'Cause… 239 00:14:56,670 --> 00:14:58,388 It was, yes, that's right, it was the spaceship. I'm sorry. 240 00:14:58,470 --> 00:15:00,859 The Wondarks were played by packets of Silk Cut. 241 00:15:00,950 --> 00:15:02,508 That's right, yes, yes. 242 00:15:02,590 --> 00:15:05,309 Anyway, I don't know if we can get a camera in really close here. 243 00:15:05,390 --> 00:15:06,584 Can we have a look at this? 244 00:15:06,670 --> 00:15:09,230 I don't know if you can see that, but this is actually made 245 00:15:09,310 --> 00:15:11,540 out of an old Sqezy bottle. 246 00:15:12,110 --> 00:15:16,069 Er, it's… I know it sort of gives away the illusion of it, 247 00:15:16,150 --> 00:15:18,380 but it's amazing to see what they can do, isn't it, really? 248 00:15:18,470 --> 00:15:20,620 -They can create an alien world. -Yeah. 249 00:15:20,710 --> 00:15:23,144 All for the price of a crap haircut. 250 00:15:28,750 --> 00:15:29,978 -Hello. -Morning. 251 00:15:30,070 --> 00:15:32,948 -We're from the Westminster Society. -The Society, yes. 252 00:15:33,030 --> 00:15:35,339 And we wondered if we could come in and talk to you about our aims… 253 00:15:35,430 --> 00:15:36,943 Is there any chance of us coming in and talking to you? 254 00:15:37,030 --> 00:15:40,579 -…and the possibility of you joining us. -Is there a possibility you may want to join us? 255 00:15:40,670 --> 00:15:41,898 -Well. -Oh, thanks ever so much. 256 00:15:41,990 --> 00:15:43,343 Thanks very much. 257 00:15:43,430 --> 00:15:47,503 -Thank you. I say, what a lovely front room. -Yes, what a handsomely proportioned room, yes. 258 00:15:47,590 --> 00:15:50,627 -It's a lovely front room. Hmm. -Very nice indeed, very nice front room. Hmm. 259 00:15:50,710 --> 00:15:54,180 My name is Mr Willis, by the way, and this is Mr Barraciough. 260 00:15:54,270 --> 00:15:56,147 Barraciough is my name, yes. 261 00:15:56,430 --> 00:15:59,786 -No relation, in case you're wondering. -Sorry? 262 00:15:59,870 --> 00:16:03,704 -We're not related, in case you thought we were. -You may have thought we were, but we're not. 263 00:16:03,790 --> 00:16:06,384 -Why should you be? -We shouldn't be. That's what I'm saying. 264 00:16:06,470 --> 00:16:09,860 -He's saying we're not. -I'm saying we shouldn't be related and we're not. 265 00:16:09,950 --> 00:16:11,542 -Yes, that's right. -Hence, the totally different names. 266 00:16:11,630 --> 00:16:13,939 That's really why we've got completely different names. 267 00:16:14,030 --> 00:16:16,100 So, what can I do for you? 268 00:16:16,190 --> 00:16:17,862 -Well, as I say… -The thing is… 269 00:16:17,950 --> 00:16:20,544 -…we're thinking of founding a society. -…my colleague's really thinking 270 00:16:20,630 --> 00:16:21,983 of founding a society. 271 00:16:22,070 --> 00:16:24,789 -And perhaps you'd like to join us. -And you may be interested in joining us, 272 00:16:24,870 --> 00:16:25,905 who knows? 273 00:16:25,990 --> 00:16:27,662 What is the society for? 274 00:16:28,270 --> 00:16:30,909 -It's, well… -Well… 275 00:16:31,310 --> 00:16:32,709 That's obviously one of the things 276 00:16:32,790 --> 00:16:34,746 -we've got to look at. -Yes, we obviously have to look at this 277 00:16:34,830 --> 00:16:36,468 very carefully, indeed, yes. 278 00:16:36,550 --> 00:16:39,462 Well, all right then. What is the point of the society? 279 00:16:39,550 --> 00:16:42,667 I mean, you've got to have a point, otherwise there's no point. 280 00:16:43,390 --> 00:16:45,346 -That's a good point. -That's a very good point. 281 00:16:45,430 --> 00:16:47,625 Yes, that's a good point, well-made. Hmm. 282 00:16:47,710 --> 00:16:50,588 I mean, are you going to collect postage stamps? 283 00:16:51,950 --> 00:16:53,178 -Yes. -Yes, we are. 284 00:16:53,270 --> 00:16:55,704 Yes, we are going to collect postage stamps, definitely, yes. 285 00:16:55,790 --> 00:16:58,020 Or are you going to practise Highland Dancing? 286 00:16:58,550 --> 00:17:00,666 -Yes. -Yes, we'll be doing that as well, yes. 287 00:17:00,750 --> 00:17:03,423 Postage stamps and Highland Dancing are very high on the society's agenda. 288 00:17:03,510 --> 00:17:05,705 Hardly anything higher on the agenda than those two. 289 00:17:05,990 --> 00:17:07,184 But you don't know. 290 00:17:07,270 --> 00:17:08,988 -Know what? -Know what, precisely? 291 00:17:09,070 --> 00:17:12,267 You don't know for certain what the society's going to be for. 292 00:17:12,350 --> 00:17:15,786 -Well, we've made one or two notes. -We have made one or two notes, yes. 293 00:17:15,870 --> 00:17:20,102 -But unfortunately nothing to do with the society. -No, on a completely different matter. 294 00:17:20,190 --> 00:17:23,023 So, to answer your question in the spirit in which it was asked. 295 00:17:23,110 --> 00:17:24,338 That selfsame spirit. 296 00:17:24,430 --> 00:17:27,979 -We believe that the society should be run… -We believe, ideally it should be run… 297 00:17:28,070 --> 00:17:30,903 -…in the interest of its members. -…in the interest of its members, really. 298 00:17:30,990 --> 00:17:33,550 -But as we don't have any members… -You see, we haven't got any members. 299 00:17:33,630 --> 00:17:36,463 -we don't really have any interests. -So, our hands are tied. 300 00:17:36,550 --> 00:17:38,029 So can you help us? 301 00:17:38,870 --> 00:17:40,223 Can I make a suggestion? 302 00:17:40,310 --> 00:17:43,188 -Oh, that's a good idea, suggestions. -Now, eureka. Suggestions, yes. 303 00:17:43,270 --> 00:17:44,988 Tuesdays and Thursdays could be suggestion evenings. 304 00:17:45,070 --> 00:17:47,379 The perfect evenings for suggestions would be Tuesdays and Thursdays. 305 00:17:47,470 --> 00:17:49,506 No, can I make a suggestion now? 306 00:17:49,590 --> 00:17:53,344 And that is that you come back when you've decided what the society's going to be for. 307 00:17:53,430 --> 00:17:55,148 I can't stand here talking all day. 308 00:17:55,230 --> 00:17:57,186 -Now that is a good idea. -Now, that, yes, you see… 309 00:17:57,270 --> 00:17:59,830 -A society for people who can't stand here… -They can't stand here… 310 00:17:59,910 --> 00:18:01,787 -…talking all day. -…talking all day and all night. 311 00:18:01,870 --> 00:18:03,667 I mean, when you think of the people who ring on your bell. 312 00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:04,739 Knock on your bell, yes. 313 00:18:04,830 --> 00:18:07,822 -That's right. Jehovah's Witnesses. -There are witnesses to the Jehovah's incident. 314 00:18:07,910 --> 00:18:11,300 -Charity collectors, estate agents… -Charity collectors. Estate agents, another group. 315 00:18:11,390 --> 00:18:12,948 Small boys wanting their ball back. 316 00:18:13,030 --> 00:18:16,147 Small boys whose ball's accidentally gone over your fence back. 317 00:18:16,230 --> 00:18:18,698 Would you be interested in joining such a society? 318 00:18:18,790 --> 00:18:21,258 Erm, I'm going to have to ask you to leave now. 319 00:18:21,350 --> 00:18:22,908 -Excellent and wonderful. -Excellent, yes. 320 00:18:22,990 --> 00:18:25,584 -Asking us to leave shows a definite… -Yes, quite right, too. Marvellous. 321 00:18:25,670 --> 00:18:27,626 -…and absolute commitment to the aims… -It does. Absolutely. 322 00:18:27,710 --> 00:18:29,223 -…of a society for people… -The goals of a society. 323 00:18:29,310 --> 00:18:31,778 -…who just can't stand here talking all day. -For that sort of society. 324 00:18:31,870 --> 00:18:33,986 I'll open the door and I want you to go. 325 00:18:34,070 --> 00:18:37,346 -Oh, this is wonderful, wonderful commitment. -Now, you see, what a wonderful member. 326 00:18:37,430 --> 00:18:40,228 I think I may have to ask you if won't mind being elected our treasurer. 327 00:18:40,310 --> 00:18:41,538 Yes, I'll certainly vote for you. 328 00:18:41,630 --> 00:18:44,144 -I'm going to shut the door now. -Right. 329 00:18:44,430 --> 00:18:48,742 -Well, that's one member of our society. -Yes, one definite member for definite, yes. 330 00:18:48,830 --> 00:18:51,185 -Shall we try next door? Hmm. -Why don't we try next door? 331 00:18:52,270 --> 00:18:53,339 Well… 332 00:18:53,430 --> 00:18:55,466 Oh, Christ. I've left the iron on. 333 00:18:56,510 --> 00:18:58,580 Damn it, Peter. 334 00:18:58,870 --> 00:19:00,064 Thanks, John. 335 00:19:00,150 --> 00:19:02,983 This is, what can I say, this is good work. 336 00:19:03,070 --> 00:19:06,107 Well, I kind of hoped we might be along the right lines there, you know. 337 00:19:06,190 --> 00:19:08,306 Right lines? 338 00:19:08,390 --> 00:19:10,984 Damn it backwards into a narrow space, Peter. 339 00:19:11,070 --> 00:19:15,746 This is set to change the face of Uttoxeter service and leisure industry forever. 340 00:19:16,030 --> 00:19:20,182 Jill reckons that from there to full plans, 10 days at the most. 341 00:19:20,470 --> 00:19:23,940 Which means we could have the whole thing up and running by the 29th. 342 00:19:24,150 --> 00:19:26,220 -You mean… -Exactly, John. 343 00:19:26,430 --> 00:19:28,785 The Derwent Enterprises Board meeting. 344 00:19:29,350 --> 00:19:31,625 And with something like that nestling in your hip pocket, 345 00:19:31,710 --> 00:19:34,019 you could really kick some arse. 346 00:19:42,350 --> 00:19:43,749 What's up, John? 347 00:19:44,590 --> 00:19:46,660 I was just thinking, Peter, 348 00:19:46,830 --> 00:19:50,425 can you imagine how Marjorie is going to react to this? 349 00:19:50,670 --> 00:19:51,864 Well, at a guess, 350 00:19:51,950 --> 00:19:56,068 I'd say she's going to be wilder than a hungry hellcat in a tornado. 351 00:19:57,310 --> 00:19:59,460 That's putting it mildly, Peter. 352 00:20:00,070 --> 00:20:01,105 Is it? 353 00:20:02,630 --> 00:20:04,586 Yeah, Sarah, what is it? 354 00:20:06,630 --> 00:20:07,824 Hold on. 355 00:20:08,070 --> 00:20:10,106 John, it's Marjorie. 356 00:20:10,550 --> 00:20:11,824 Marjorie? 357 00:20:12,070 --> 00:20:13,742 Talk of the she-devil. 358 00:20:14,390 --> 00:20:16,028 What the hell, I'll take the call. 359 00:20:16,110 --> 00:20:19,864 It's not a call, John! She's outside, wants to see you. 360 00:20:20,390 --> 00:20:22,858 -Marjorie, here? -Check. 361 00:20:25,510 --> 00:20:27,421 Show her in, Sarah. 362 00:20:29,030 --> 00:20:31,339 John, are you out of your goddamn mind? 363 00:20:31,430 --> 00:20:33,227 You don't know what it's about, Peter. 364 00:20:33,310 --> 00:20:35,266 Oh, to hell with what it's about, John! 365 00:20:35,350 --> 00:20:36,669 Peter, we need to talk. 366 00:20:36,750 --> 00:20:38,866 -Where and when? -Round the table, right now. 367 00:20:38,950 --> 00:20:40,065 I'm on my way. 368 00:20:40,950 --> 00:20:45,262 John, listen. You and I, we've busted our hump building up this health club 369 00:20:45,350 --> 00:20:47,580 with Marjorie gunning for us every inch of the way. 370 00:20:47,670 --> 00:20:50,138 Now, now, you're just going to let her swan in here? 371 00:20:50,230 --> 00:20:51,743 Now, listen to me, Peter… 372 00:20:51,830 --> 00:20:53,900 Oh, listen be damned, John. 373 00:20:53,990 --> 00:20:58,461 Do I have to remind you that that hell-bitch fiend tried to break us in two, hm? 374 00:20:58,550 --> 00:20:59,539 Peter… 375 00:20:59,630 --> 00:21:01,985 I'm not going to let you do it, John. 376 00:21:02,070 --> 00:21:03,469 Hello, John. 377 00:21:05,590 --> 00:21:07,148 Hello, Marjorie. 378 00:21:07,950 --> 00:21:08,985 Peter. 379 00:21:09,950 --> 00:21:13,545 -Marjorie. -I hope I'm not interrupting anything. 380 00:21:14,070 --> 00:21:16,982 Oh, we were, that is, I, that was, no, we just, I didn't… 381 00:21:17,070 --> 00:21:20,346 Are you all right, Peter? You look a little uncomfortable. 382 00:21:21,190 --> 00:21:22,305 Yeah, maybe I'll… 383 00:21:22,390 --> 00:21:25,746 Maybe I'll go outside and get myself a bite of air. 384 00:21:26,350 --> 00:21:29,820 The atmosphere in here seems to have got to my stomach. 385 00:21:33,510 --> 00:21:34,829 You, er… 386 00:21:35,270 --> 00:21:38,740 You look well, Marjorie. You look damn well. 387 00:21:39,470 --> 00:21:40,869 New breasts? 388 00:21:43,430 --> 00:21:44,545 Swiss. 389 00:21:44,630 --> 00:21:46,063 They suit you. 390 00:21:46,150 --> 00:21:49,426 I like what you've done to your hair. It looks much better there. 391 00:21:51,110 --> 00:21:54,625 Thanks, John. You look pretty fit yourself. 392 00:21:54,710 --> 00:21:56,189 Fit? Yeah! 393 00:21:58,110 --> 00:22:01,307 That's one of the perks of running a health and leisure business I guess. 394 00:22:01,390 --> 00:22:02,743 That is… 395 00:22:02,830 --> 00:22:04,468 If I do still run it. 396 00:22:04,550 --> 00:22:07,701 The meeting will decide, John, you know that. 397 00:22:07,790 --> 00:22:10,987 Yeah, but who will decide how the meeting goes, Marjorie? 398 00:22:11,070 --> 00:22:15,029 Damn it, old man Ashby's in your pocket, Dexter and O'Neill will do what you tell them 399 00:22:15,110 --> 00:22:18,705 and Tim will, well, I guess Tim will jump with the tide. 400 00:22:19,070 --> 00:22:21,459 Do you still like it straight up? 401 00:22:22,190 --> 00:22:24,067 Ice, two lumps. 402 00:22:25,350 --> 00:22:29,263 I do what I do for the boy, John, you know that. 403 00:22:29,470 --> 00:22:31,461 Yeah, the boy. 404 00:22:32,630 --> 00:22:35,622 Have you taught him to hate me, Marjorie? 405 00:22:35,790 --> 00:22:38,668 Hate you? Hate you? 406 00:22:38,950 --> 00:22:41,225 You'll never really know me, will you? 407 00:22:41,830 --> 00:22:44,025 Not if I live to be 300. 408 00:22:45,390 --> 00:22:48,348 Peter resents me. 409 00:22:49,390 --> 00:22:54,339 Seven damns and a fat blast, Marjorie! Haven't you given him cause enough? 410 00:22:54,750 --> 00:22:58,186 Haven't you kept shutting him out, making him feel an outsider? 411 00:22:58,270 --> 00:22:59,908 Do you need Peter? 412 00:23:00,350 --> 00:23:02,420 Do we need Peter? 413 00:23:02,550 --> 00:23:06,065 Damn it, Marjorie, what are you after? 414 00:23:06,150 --> 00:23:07,981 Yeah, what are you after? 415 00:23:08,070 --> 00:23:12,268 I just want you to know, that whatever happens at that meeting this afternoon, 416 00:23:12,350 --> 00:23:15,228 it wasn't personal. Strictly business. 417 00:23:15,750 --> 00:23:18,867 I still like you, John, a lot. 418 00:23:19,790 --> 00:23:22,304 Come here, you, you, 419 00:23:22,430 --> 00:23:24,261 you Marjorie. 420 00:23:31,190 --> 00:23:34,978 I'll see you round the boardroom table. 421 00:23:38,630 --> 00:23:42,384 Yeah, round the boardroom table. Oh, and, Marjorie… 422 00:23:42,470 --> 00:23:43,505 Yes? 423 00:23:43,590 --> 00:23:46,548 Damn you to hell, you're one hell of a woman. 424 00:23:47,710 --> 00:23:48,859 I know. 425 00:23:49,350 --> 00:23:51,261 Well, you know where to find me. 426 00:23:52,750 --> 00:23:54,308 Marjorie, I… 427 00:23:55,310 --> 00:23:58,620 No, no, John, don't do it! Don't do it! 428 00:23:58,710 --> 00:24:00,587 Don't you see what she's trying to… 429 00:24:03,950 --> 00:24:06,464 Damn! 430 00:24:09,110 --> 00:24:11,783 I suppose they'll be saying Hitler was a racist next. 431 00:24:12,750 --> 00:24:15,025 Er, Moira Stuart. 432 00:24:16,070 --> 00:24:17,788 And Jill Gascoigne. 433 00:24:17,870 --> 00:24:20,338 Neither of them wrote back. Can you believe these people? 434 00:24:20,430 --> 00:24:24,389 I mean, how much trouble can it be to just bung a pair of stockings in the post? 435 00:24:26,670 --> 00:24:28,228 Er, letters. 436 00:24:28,310 --> 00:24:29,538 Letters. 437 00:24:31,230 --> 00:24:33,539 -More letters. -More letters. 438 00:24:34,710 --> 00:24:37,270 -Still more letters. -Still more letters. 439 00:24:37,350 --> 00:24:41,025 Sorry, we'll be with you in a moment. Just got some filing to do. 440 00:24:41,110 --> 00:24:43,419 Yes, but while you're waiting, why not sit back and relax 441 00:24:43,510 --> 00:24:46,741 to the sociable sound of Joe Loss and His Orchestra. 442 00:24:50,030 --> 00:24:53,420 -Still more letters again. -More letters again. 443 00:24:55,350 --> 00:24:58,865 -Er, yet further letters. -Yet further letters. 444 00:25:02,870 --> 00:25:05,100 -Genital fungus. -Genital fungus. 445 00:25:06,310 --> 00:25:07,425 Oh. 446 00:25:07,670 --> 00:25:09,069 -Oh, dear. -Oh, dear. 447 00:25:09,150 --> 00:25:10,219 -Now, that's a pity, isn't it? -Yes. 448 00:25:10,310 --> 00:25:11,504 That's a great disappointment. 449 00:25:11,590 --> 00:25:14,150 So, you know what this means, don't you? 450 00:25:14,470 --> 00:25:16,381 You know what this… It's going to mean letters. 451 00:25:16,470 --> 00:25:20,065 Mmm. We mentioned genital fungus and some of you laughed. 452 00:25:21,470 --> 00:25:24,143 We're now going to get hundreds of thousands of letters 453 00:25:24,230 --> 00:25:25,982 accusing us of making fun of genital fungus? 454 00:25:26,070 --> 00:25:28,061 Which is something we never have and never would do. 455 00:25:28,150 --> 00:25:30,664 Never, never. Some… Obviously, some of you, 456 00:25:30,750 --> 00:25:34,220 quite a lot in fact, seem to find genital fungus, well, 457 00:25:34,710 --> 00:25:36,462 amusing in some way. 458 00:25:36,590 --> 00:25:39,946 You know, you're tempted to laugh at other people's misfortunes. 459 00:25:40,990 --> 00:25:43,868 My name is Stephen Fry and I'm an alcoholic. 460 00:25:44,630 --> 00:25:46,586 -Here's one, there's one here. -Oh, no. 461 00:25:46,670 --> 00:25:49,548 This one, I told him that I was an alcoholic and he laughed. 462 00:25:49,630 --> 00:25:52,702 Alcoholism is one of the most serious and destructive conditions 463 00:25:52,790 --> 00:25:54,746 prevalent in this country, and you find it funny! 464 00:25:54,870 --> 00:25:56,701 -Sicko. -Creep. 465 00:26:00,950 --> 00:26:04,101 My great-aunt Mutie died in 1944. 466 00:26:08,230 --> 00:26:10,141 She was a good and decent woman! 467 00:26:10,630 --> 00:26:14,225 But her death to you is just a source of entertainment, isn't it? 468 00:26:14,310 --> 00:26:15,299 Oh. 469 00:26:15,750 --> 00:26:17,786 Please fondle my botty, please? 470 00:26:18,950 --> 00:26:22,738 Thousands of people are dying every year because no one will fondle their bottoms, 471 00:26:22,830 --> 00:26:25,264 -and you find that funny. -Er. 472 00:26:25,710 --> 00:26:28,099 -No, no. You see, they're not. -What? 473 00:26:28,750 --> 00:26:30,183 -Aren't they? -No, they are not. No. 474 00:26:30,270 --> 00:26:32,738 -Oh, I thought… -No, well, never mind what you thought. 475 00:26:32,830 --> 00:26:36,743 But no one has ever actually died from not having their bottom fondled. 476 00:26:37,190 --> 00:26:39,420 Well, I sometimes feel quite unwell. 477 00:26:40,270 --> 00:26:41,783 Well, yes, that as may be, but you can't, 478 00:26:41,870 --> 00:26:44,065 you can't blame this woman for laughing at bottom fondling 479 00:26:44,150 --> 00:26:46,983 -because no one genuinely suffers from it. -Oh, highly amusing. 480 00:26:47,070 --> 00:26:49,538 That is not even remotely funny. 481 00:26:50,830 --> 00:26:54,300 I'm sorry. -I'm suffering very badly as it goes. 482 00:26:58,150 --> 00:26:59,185 Are you? 483 00:26:59,270 --> 00:27:02,421 I've been told that I'm going to die within six months, 484 00:27:02,510 --> 00:27:05,502 unless my bottom is fondled. 485 00:27:06,030 --> 00:27:07,349 Satisfied, Hugh? 486 00:27:08,270 --> 00:27:09,669 Oh, bollocks. 487 00:27:11,070 --> 00:27:14,540 Look, I'm sorry to hear about this desperate condition. Do you need help? 488 00:27:14,630 --> 00:27:16,621 Well, yeah. I mean, I'm at the end of my tether, mate. 489 00:27:16,710 --> 00:27:20,259 -Yeah. What sort of help do you need? -Well, you know, I need money. 490 00:27:20,350 --> 00:27:23,820 -Money, yes, what for? -Well, to buy vital equipment. 491 00:27:25,390 --> 00:27:26,618 Vital equipment. Yeah. 492 00:27:26,710 --> 00:27:28,701 Yeah, a CD player, in fact. 493 00:27:30,030 --> 00:27:31,986 You know how expensive they are, you know, so. 494 00:27:32,070 --> 00:27:35,142 Yeah. I'll tell you what, if we all put our hands in our pockets here tonight. 495 00:27:35,230 --> 00:27:38,063 Few pounds, £3 each, something like that. I'm sure we can raise enough money… 496 00:27:38,150 --> 00:27:40,903 No, wait a minute. Wait a minute. What is going on here? 497 00:27:40,990 --> 00:27:42,867 We're having a whip-round to get this man a CD player. 498 00:27:42,950 --> 00:27:44,508 No, no, no, I'm sorry. 499 00:27:44,590 --> 00:27:49,744 No, you, sir, are exploiting the compassion and generosity of this audience… 500 00:27:50,190 --> 00:27:52,943 -Hugh. Hugh. -…frankly. No, no, we're all sorry 501 00:27:53,030 --> 00:27:55,260 that nobody fondles your bottom. 502 00:27:55,350 --> 00:27:59,468 You know, that's a damn shame, but you can't go using that just to get free hi-fi. 503 00:27:59,550 --> 00:28:03,099 Hugh, you may not be aware of this, but the new Yamaha 600-RS CD player, 504 00:28:03,190 --> 00:28:06,148 has an electronic arm that comes out and fondles your bottom. 505 00:28:09,830 --> 00:28:11,024 Oh, God. 506 00:28:11,310 --> 00:28:13,266 Without it, this man will die. 507 00:28:13,350 --> 00:28:16,865 God, I'm so sorry, I… Well, I mean, I… 508 00:28:18,150 --> 00:28:19,265 Well, what can I do? 509 00:28:19,350 --> 00:28:21,625 Well, you can fondle his bottom for starters. 510 00:28:22,630 --> 00:28:23,904 Well, it's only fair.