1
00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:41,958
Thank you.

2
00:00:46,520 --> 00:00:49,990
Oh! Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

3
00:00:50,160 --> 00:00:51,912
Thank you. Thank you.

4
00:00:52,000 --> 00:00:53,797
Good evening.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

5
00:00:53,880 --> 00:00:56,713
and welcome to A Bit of Fry And Laurie.

6
00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:59,109
Yes, but not just ladies and gentlemen.

7
00:00:59,200 --> 00:01:01,714
Let's not forget the large number
of domestic animals

8
00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:04,268
who sit in front of the television
while this programme is on.

9
00:01:04,360 --> 00:01:06,999
That's right. Let's all say hi
to the large number of dogs

10
00:01:07,080 --> 00:01:08,877
-who are with us this evening.
-Mmm.

11
00:01:14,560 --> 00:01:16,437
That was my hello to all the dogs.

12
00:01:16,520 --> 00:01:19,637
I'm sorry if it was too high-pitched for you,
ladies and gentlemen.

13
00:01:20,960 --> 00:01:24,350
And while we're at it,
let's say a big hi to Marlon Brando.

14
00:01:24,760 --> 00:01:28,230
Marlon, as you probably know,
is very much not a dear old friend of ours.

15
00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:30,595
Mmm. In fact, we've never met him.

16
00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:35,470
No, but if we say hi often enough,
he might just think that we've met him,

17
00:01:35,560 --> 00:01:38,597
and give one of those sort of embarrassed
half smiles that you give to somebody

18
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:41,478
when you're not sure
whether or not you know them, you know.

19
00:01:41,560 --> 00:01:43,471
Did you perhaps sit next to them
on the train once?

20
00:01:43,560 --> 00:01:45,596
Are they something to do
with your brother-in-law?

21
00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:46,875
This is pathetic.

22
00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:50,236
You're right. It is pathetic.
It's undeniably pathetic.

23
00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:52,550
But, ladies and gentlemen and canine pals…

24
00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:59,553
We're after your help tonight because
we aim, in the next half hour, to become big.

25
00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:03,918
So big that even Marlon Brando
will know exactly who we are.

26
00:02:04,000 --> 00:02:07,993
Yes, but first of all, it might be helpful
if we were to explain exactly what big is.

27
00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:10,310
You see, Stephen and I are both very tall,

28
00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:13,198
-but we're not very big.
-No.

29
00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:17,592
Whereas, by quite stark contrast,

30
00:02:17,680 --> 00:02:22,151
Mickey Rooney, Prince and Michael J Fox
are very short.

31
00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:24,112
But incredibly big!

32
00:02:24,720 --> 00:02:28,759
So, let's take a look at our big-o-meter,
so we can just spell that out.

33
00:02:29,480 --> 00:02:34,508
That's right. Now, up here,
registering 1,009, is Marlon Brando.

34
00:02:35,040 --> 00:02:37,918
And we're down here at 1.4.

35
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:42,118
And here, registering 108,

36
00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:44,794
is the big-ish Tony Gubba.

37
00:02:45,720 --> 00:02:49,599
So, that gives you some idea
of the kind of mountain we have to climb.

38
00:02:49,680 --> 00:02:52,319
But with your help, ladies and gentlemen,
we can make it.

39
00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:56,439
So let's see if we can't hit 1.5
by the end of the evening, all right?

40
00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:57,748
-Good luck.
-Good luck.

41
00:02:59,840 --> 00:03:04,630
I suppose if I am honest,
I use my penis as a sort of car substitute.

42
00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:09,237
You know what makes me really mad?
It's the fact that we have to pay for it.

43
00:03:09,320 --> 00:03:11,629
Oh, yes! Yes, we're the ones who pay for it.

44
00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:15,958
You know, ev-ev-every bit of food
we want to eat, we have to pay for it.

45
00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:19,871
The clothes I wear, I paid for them.
It makes me mad.

46
00:03:43,440 --> 00:03:45,749
…and similarly louche places.

47
00:03:46,600 --> 00:03:49,478
Jeremy, I must tell you,
I was in Venice last year.

48
00:03:51,880 --> 00:03:55,350
Now, you, I believe, know more about Venice
than anybody else in the world.

49
00:03:55,440 --> 00:03:56,839
The Queen of the Adriatic.

50
00:03:56,920 --> 00:04:00,356
Is just one of the things you've been called.

51
00:04:01,320 --> 00:04:04,073
I was strolling through the Rial… to,

52
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:07,755
returning from a walk which had taken in
the Santa Maria della Salu… te,

53
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:10,070
and the San Giorgio Roman… o.

54
00:04:10,160 --> 00:04:13,835
-Along the Giudec… ca?
-Along the Giudec…

55
00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:15,589
…ca, yes.

56
00:04:15,680 --> 00:04:17,955
And I believe I'm right in saying

57
00:04:18,040 --> 00:04:21,555
that I counted no less than 97 backpackers.

58
00:04:21,640 --> 00:04:23,870
Backpackers? Oh, dear Lord!

59
00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:27,839
Who were “doing”, as I believe
the ghastly phrase is, “the Accademia”.

60
00:04:27,920 --> 00:04:31,071
Tourists, you see, tourists.

61
00:04:31,160 --> 00:04:34,914
And I remember thinking
they're taking away our Venice.

62
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:38,197
-The place is absolutely heaving with Germans.
-Yes, and Italians.

63
00:04:38,280 --> 00:04:40,316
The place is absolutely heaving with Italians.

64
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:42,470
Our Venice is sinking under their weight.

65
00:04:42,560 --> 00:04:46,439
So, you see, I've campaigned for years now
to have tourists banned from Venice.

66
00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,590
-Have you, have you?
-Yes, I have, I have.

67
00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:52,912
It sounds very cruel. Very harsh, I know. Very…

68
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:55,639
-Deglante?
-Very deglante. Thank you, yes.

69
00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:56,994
Yes, but I'm convinced it's the only way.

70
00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:58,911
Ng, ng, ng, ng.

71
00:04:59,000 --> 00:05:01,560
Who was it? Who was it who said,

72
00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:03,950
“He is a tourist,

73
00:05:04,560 --> 00:05:06,994
“you are a holidaymaker,

74
00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:09,953
“but I am a traveller.”

75
00:05:10,040 --> 00:05:12,474
Oh. Now, was it Humbert Wolfe?

76
00:05:12,560 --> 00:05:15,518
-It was Cocteau, surely.
-Doesn't sound very Cocteau.

77
00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:18,478
But then Cocteau never does,
which is how you can always tell it's Cocteau.

78
00:05:18,560 --> 00:05:21,199
True, true, true. Trouché.

79
00:05:23,560 --> 00:05:26,028
Of course, it's not just Venice.

80
00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:31,513
Oh, good heavens, no.
No, it's not just Venezia. Venedich. Veneeez.

81
00:05:31,600 --> 00:05:33,272
No, not by a long stroke.

82
00:05:33,360 --> 00:05:36,158
No, our whole world is being stained.

83
00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:38,948
-Stained. Stained.
-Stained. Yes. Yes, it is. It is.

84
00:05:39,548 --> 00:05:42,500
Eheu fugaces! O tempora, o mores.

85
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:45,394
-Jeremy?
-Yes.

86
00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:49,109
I blame television. I'm sorry, but I do.

87
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:52,954
Oh, no, television. No, don't, please.
Oh! That fearful, erm…

88
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:56,553
-Mervyn Bragg.
-Oh, Mervyn Bragg.

89
00:05:56,640 --> 00:06:00,030
Stop it at once.
If I had my way with that Mervyn Bragg…

90
00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:02,076
No one would be in the least surprised.

91
00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:05,393
Bitch.

92
00:06:05,680 --> 00:06:08,638
I say, this is the most
awfully good tarte citron.

93
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:09,709
Erm?

94
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:12,274
Tarte citron.

95
00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:14,078
Oh, the lemon pie, dear.

96
00:06:14,160 --> 00:06:19,792
Yes, yes. I've always said, you know, that
I could never truly be friends with anybody

97
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,677
who didn't love lemon pie.

98
00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:27,750
Now, now, Susan. Now, Susan, don't be sly.
Did you make this yourself?

99
00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:32,596
Well, let's just say I made it to the shops
in time to buy it.

100
00:06:32,680 --> 00:06:35,592
-I knew it. Marks & Spencer.
-Marks & Spencer.

101
00:06:35,680 --> 00:06:37,910
-M & S. Who else?
-M & S.

102
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:42,710
M et S. They are simply amazing, aren't they?

103
00:06:42,800 --> 00:06:45,519
-Have you tried their new boxer shorts?
-I haven't, I haven't.

104
00:06:45,600 --> 00:06:46,828
I have. Delicious.

105
00:06:46,920 --> 00:06:49,753
Oh, oh, and their dips.
Oh, bless me, their dips!

106
00:06:49,920 --> 00:06:53,071
In my local one,
there's a really marvellous primary school.

107
00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:54,639
-A primary school?
-Yes.

108
00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:56,551
Both mine and my husband's children go there.

109
00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:59,757
Well, of course, in my local one,
they've just opened a hospital section.

110
00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:00,829
Have they?

111
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:03,639
Oh, yes, yes. You can go in
and have minor operations, everything.

112
00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:07,156
Yes. Well, at the one near me,
you can actually buy weaponry.

113
00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:09,310
-Is that right?
-It is. Yes, it is, quite right.

114
00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:10,674
-Mine, too.
-Yes, I actually…

115
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:13,115
I bought an F-111 there last week.

116
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,953
-It was so fresh, I swear it was made that day.
-Really? Really?

117
00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:20,670
Well, listen, of course, the great thing about
them is that if you're not happy with anything,

118
00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:23,797
-you can always go back and change it.
-Change it, precisely.

119
00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:27,516
-Hello.
-Good morning, madam. Can I help you?

120
00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:30,433
I bought these suits for my husband, you see,

121
00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:32,875
and I want to return them, please.

122
00:07:32,960 --> 00:07:35,190
Right, you want to exchange them
for different suits?

123
00:07:35,280 --> 00:07:38,829
Oh, no, I don't want different suits.
That wouldn't be any good.

124
00:07:38,920 --> 00:07:40,512
Not now he's dead.

125
00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:43,234
Oh, I'm sorry.

126
00:07:43,320 --> 00:07:45,470
Now, this is the suit he died in.

127
00:07:46,840 --> 00:07:51,356
But I don't think you can tell, can you?

128
00:07:52,080 --> 00:07:54,674
I think I've managed to get most of it out.

129
00:07:55,920 --> 00:07:59,799
-And when exactly did you buy that suit?
-1947.

130
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:05,873
I remember the year because that was the year
I bought his suits.

131
00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:12,158
-I see. Yes, and you want a refund, do you?
-Refund?

132
00:08:12,240 --> 00:08:15,550
No, no, no, not a refund.

133
00:08:15,640 --> 00:08:17,835
No. I want my money back.

134
00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:22,597
I see. Have you got the receipt?

135
00:08:22,680 --> 00:08:25,274
No. But the lady will remember me.

136
00:08:26,960 --> 00:08:28,029
What lady?

137
00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:30,873
Well, the lady who sold them to me, of course.

138
00:08:30,960 --> 00:08:33,110
Well, can you remember what she looked like?

139
00:08:33,360 --> 00:08:37,717
Well, she was about 65 and…

140
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:43,158
I'm afraid that if she was 65 in 1947,
she'd be…

141
00:08:43,240 --> 00:08:46,710
-Ohhh!
-Ooh!

142
00:08:46,800 --> 00:08:49,837
Hello!

143
00:08:52,840 --> 00:08:56,276
Suit fit your husband all right, didn't it?

144
00:08:56,360 --> 00:08:58,555
Yes, thank you.

145
00:08:58,640 --> 00:09:02,713
And did you enjoy your tea
at Lyons Corner House?

146
00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:05,394
It was lovely, thank you.

147
00:09:05,600 --> 00:09:08,114
He looked so handsome in his uniform.

148
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:09,269
Ahh.

149
00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:11,351
Still together, are you?

150
00:09:11,720 --> 00:09:13,631
43 years.

151
00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:17,229
43 years

152
00:09:17,800 --> 00:09:19,950
since he last rang me.

153
00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:21,429
Men!

154
00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:24,673
Oh, they're bastards, aren't they?

155
00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:31,119
Can't live with them, can't live without them.

156
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:34,036
Mine can't live at all.

157
00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:38,713
He's dead.

158
00:09:39,360 --> 00:09:42,591
Oh! Oh, you'll be
wanting your money back, then.

159
00:09:42,680 --> 00:09:44,910
Oh, yes, please. Yes.

160
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:47,514
I put it by just in case.

161
00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:50,439
Here you are.

162
00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:53,273
You are a good girl.

163
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:57,069
£3,12 and six.

164
00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:58,752
Thank you.

165
00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:00,671
Or perhaps the lady would like a replacement?

166
00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:03,433
No, I told you I wanted my money back.

167
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:05,829
He means for your husband.

168
00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:10,596
-Oh, goodness! Do you do old men?
-Of course.

169
00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:12,478
What size do you take?

170
00:10:18,560 --> 00:10:20,676
Five-foot-six, if you have.

171
00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:24,636
Five-foot-six straight or five-foot-six bent?

172
00:10:24,720 --> 00:10:27,598
-Bent.
-I'll see what we've got.

173
00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:31,354
Yes, you'll like our old men, madam.
They don't smell at all.

174
00:10:33,120 --> 00:10:35,793
Well, they have got a sort of
stale manly odour.

175
00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:37,279
Oh!

176
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:39,033
What do you think?

177
00:10:39,120 --> 00:10:42,157
Oh, he's dishy, isn't he?

178
00:10:44,160 --> 00:10:48,312
-Isn't he?
-Mind you, you can't tell until you get them home.

179
00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:51,674
Can I change him if I'm not satisfied?

180
00:10:51,920 --> 00:10:53,194
Bloody women.

181
00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:55,795
They always want to change you.

182
00:10:56,960 --> 00:11:00,589
What makes me really mad
is this new drug, ecstasy.

183
00:11:00,800 --> 00:11:01,949
Makes me mad!

184
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:17,556
Gary's Bit In The Middle.

185
00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:23,518
All right! Hallelujah! Yeah!
How about that?

186
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:26,876
I'm really impressed because,
you know, even I struggle remembering that.

187
00:11:26,960 --> 00:11:28,951
Well, I did, actually,
but I got there in the end.

188
00:11:29,040 --> 00:11:30,439
Well done to you. What do you do, Paul?

189
00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:32,511
Thank you for sparing the time.

190
00:11:32,720 --> 00:11:33,709
No problem.

191
00:11:35,120 --> 00:11:36,917
You admire Gary Davies?

192
00:11:38,600 --> 00:11:40,352
Not much time for that sort of thing.

193
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:42,153
You should make time, Alan.

194
00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:43,834
A man should unwind.

195
00:11:45,000 --> 00:11:46,718
You don't mind if I call you Alan?

196
00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:51,149
-Fine with me.
-Good, good. I just find Sally a bit awkward.

197
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:52,989
I understand.

198
00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:56,836
Excellent. Now, then, Alan,
I've got your record in front of me here.

199
00:11:56,920 --> 00:11:58,751
It makes impressive reading.

200
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:01,918
Well, you know,
I've knocked about the world a bit.

201
00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:06,233
You certainly have.
But I'd like, if I may, to fill in
one or two gaps, take a few side bearings,

202
00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:08,709
rough out some contours. That okay with you?

203
00:12:08,800 --> 00:12:09,789
Fine.

204
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:14,710
Okay. '65, '66, you ran guns out of Macao

205
00:12:14,800 --> 00:12:17,519
using a refitted Dutch trawler.

206
00:12:17,600 --> 00:12:19,636
I can still smell those damn herring.

207
00:12:19,920 --> 00:12:24,198
In '68, you popped up on the Ivory Coast
smuggling refugees out of Nigeria.

208
00:12:24,440 --> 00:12:28,592
The following year, there was that nasty caper
with the Rhodesian mining company.

209
00:12:28,960 --> 00:12:32,316
From then on, it's a series of
apparently unrelated appearances,

210
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:37,076
working with Uruguayan customs,
a supply teacher in Maidstone,

211
00:12:37,160 --> 00:12:39,390
crop spraying in Rawalpindi,

212
00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:41,516
Home Secretary in the last Labour government

213
00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:45,832
and then a short spell as Nigel Pargetter
in The Archers.

214
00:12:47,160 --> 00:12:49,913
-Someone had to do it.
-Oh, yeah, I'm sure.

215
00:12:50,080 --> 00:12:51,832
Okay, now it's my turn, yeah?

216
00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:56,239
I got to tell you that I don't like being
rung up by strange men I've never met before

217
00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:58,072
and have files read out at me.

218
00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:00,958
I don't like being asked a lot of questions
by men in hats.

219
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:05,239
Suppose you tell me exactly what is going on
and who in blazes you are?

220
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:07,630
All right. We need a man, Alan.

221
00:13:08,000 --> 00:13:10,150
We need a man with exceptional abilities.

222
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:12,993
A man with a record of success
against all the odds.

223
00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:17,115
A man with the courage to try his hand
at the impossible.

224
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,350
-Go on.
-We want you, if you can,

225
00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:24,628
to sit down and watch an entire episode
of The Krypton Factor.

226
00:13:26,360 --> 00:13:27,713
You're out of your mind.

227
00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:30,908
Listen to me, Alan.
It's never been done before.

228
00:13:31,000 --> 00:13:35,949
No one has ever watched
an entire programme from start to finish.
Oh, sure, we've all seen bits.

229
00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:39,396
But no one has ever gone the full distance.

230
00:13:42,480 --> 00:13:43,674
If I don't make it,

231
00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:46,671
you'll see that Judy's taken care of?

232
00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:49,274
Of course, Alan. Of course.

233
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:52,308
See you in hell.

234
00:14:04,360 --> 00:14:05,998
When I was nine,

235
00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:09,152
oh, fewer years ago now
than I care to remember,

236
00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:10,559
um, um,

237
00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:13,751
my mother told me

238
00:14:13,840 --> 00:14:18,152
that in this life one could either be
an elf or a pixie.

239
00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:23,710
What she meant by that I fully suppose
you may be able all too readily to guess.

240
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:26,556
But her remarks set me thinking.

241
00:14:26,960 --> 00:14:29,076
And from that moment on, I purposed

242
00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:32,994
to be worthy of her
admonitions and adviselments

243
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:36,758
I suppose I can look back on my whole life
as a kind of quest.

244
00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:39,798
A search, a hunt,
an interrogation, if you like.

245
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:41,991
Yesterday was my birthday.

246
00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:44,870
I won't tell you which, because I hate you.

247
00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:48,789
And I celebrated it in fine style,

248
00:14:48,880 --> 00:14:51,599
in the company of a cold bottle of Chablis

249
00:14:51,680 --> 00:14:54,478
and a couple of prostitutes.

250
00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:59,673
I suppose, in a sense,

251
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:03,119
my quest has come full circle.

252
00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:06,400
Or, rather, my hunt is over

253
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:08,399
and I can rest now.

254
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:13,200
Well, I hope you enjoyed that.
I'll be here every Tuesday and Thursday,

255
00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:15,874
so until the next time,
good night and safe journey home.

256
00:15:20,880 --> 00:15:22,029
Come on.

257
00:15:22,960 --> 00:15:24,473
Come on, baby.

258
00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:27,468
Gotcha!

259
00:15:31,520 --> 00:15:34,159
-Is that you, John?
-Who else, Peter?

260
00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:38,390
I was beginning to wonder where the hell…

261
00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:40,471
Traffic, Peter. Plain and simple.

262
00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:42,152
That's a bitch, John.

263
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:44,435
Took the switchback routes wherever I could,

264
00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:47,717
but, frankly,
the A47 is a car park at the moment.

265
00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:49,472
Damn that ball cock!

266
00:15:49,560 --> 00:15:51,676
Peter, it's no good blaming the system.

267
00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:53,159
Well, maybe you're right.

268
00:15:54,360 --> 00:15:57,318
So, fill me in. How's business this a.m.?

269
00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:59,516
Business has been pretty quiet, John.

270
00:16:00,400 --> 00:16:03,153
Had a couple of noisy ones
in stall three earlier on,

271
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:06,353
-but mostly it's been quiet.
-Good. Any calls?

272
00:16:06,480 --> 00:16:10,268
Yeah, I had one from the maintenance boys
about fixing this damn towel rollup.

273
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,828
-And?
-Can't make it till next Tuesday.

274
00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:15,115
-Damn!
-That's what I said, John.

275
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:18,510
Damn, blast, triple damn
with an extra side order of damn!

276
00:16:18,840 --> 00:16:20,159
Yep, said that as well.

277
00:16:20,240 --> 00:16:23,232
How can they expect us to run
a public lavatory complex

278
00:16:23,320 --> 00:16:24,878
without adequate maintenance backup?

279
00:16:24,960 --> 00:16:26,154
Beats me, John.

280
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:28,515
They said they'd give it top priority, but…

281
00:16:28,600 --> 00:16:31,398
Top priority, my arse!

282
00:16:31,920 --> 00:16:34,992
-Just a lot of hot air, Peter.
-I know, John.

283
00:16:35,080 --> 00:16:38,516
Our clients can't be expected
to dry their hands with hot air.

284
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:40,194
Well, actually, John…

285
00:16:40,280 --> 00:16:43,431
No, Peter, Peter, don't start
on that electric hand dryer business again.

286
00:16:43,520 --> 00:16:47,718
I read your report.
It was good work, but now is not the time.

287
00:16:49,560 --> 00:16:50,993
Not the time.

288
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:55,552
I wonder if you'd have used a phrase like that
back when we were running the health club?

289
00:16:56,880 --> 00:17:00,759
Peter, Marjorie won, pure and simple.
It wasn't a fair fight, I grant you,

290
00:17:00,840 --> 00:17:02,319
but that's it. Over.

291
00:17:03,320 --> 00:17:05,993
You don't have to throw
Marjorie in my face, John.

292
00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:09,354
I'm sorry, Peter, but damn it,
we've got a chance here

293
00:17:09,440 --> 00:17:13,592
to build the finest public amenity system
Uttoxeter has ever known.

294
00:17:13,840 --> 00:17:16,912
Damn it, John, when? What's the time frame?

295
00:17:17,000 --> 00:17:19,150
Only a fool would answer that question, Peter.

296
00:17:19,240 --> 00:17:21,356
A month, maybe 12, I don't know.

297
00:17:22,240 --> 00:17:23,309
You know, John,

298
00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:27,474
every day when I leave the house,
Sarah kisses me on the cheek.

299
00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:30,796
Sarah? But your wife's Nancy, surely?

300
00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:32,798
Yeah, Sarah's the au pair.

301
00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:34,950
She helps out with a lot of Nancy's chores.

302
00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:40,991
She kisses me on the cheek and damn it, John,
if there aren't tears in her eyes.

303
00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:43,548
Peter, I know it's hard.

304
00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:46,514
Kids get a rough time at school, you know.
Oh, yes.

305
00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:48,716
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

306
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:51,155
“Sherman's dad is a lavatory attendant.”

307
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:53,754
Don't ever say that, Peter!

308
00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:57,116
The Peter I know, that Peter,
that one there, him, yeah,

309
00:17:57,520 --> 00:17:59,351
he's nobody's lavatory attendant.

310
00:17:59,840 --> 00:18:02,991
He is an equal partner in an enterprise

311
00:18:03,320 --> 00:18:07,074
that is going to put Uttoxeter's sanitation
well into the 21st century.

312
00:18:07,640 --> 00:18:09,471
Damn it, John! The shame.

313
00:18:09,760 --> 00:18:12,354
Peter, listen up now and listen up good.

314
00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:15,758
What you're doing here
is for Nancy and the kids.

315
00:18:16,080 --> 00:18:19,197
Every time you refill one of these
soap dispensers, it's for them.

316
00:18:19,560 --> 00:18:23,348
Every time you pluck a cigarette end
out of that urinal, it's for them.

317
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:27,270
Every time you unclog a U-bend
with your bare hands,

318
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:28,799
it's for them.

319
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:31,553
-Damn it, John, maybe you're right.
-You bet I'm right.

320
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:35,677
So, now, let's go to work.

321
00:18:36,160 --> 00:18:37,195
Right, shoot.

322
00:18:37,840 --> 00:18:39,796
-Paper in every stall?
-Check.

323
00:18:39,880 --> 00:18:41,871
-Evacuation points cleaned?
-Check.

324
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:43,837
-Even under the rim?
-Even under the rim.

325
00:18:43,920 --> 00:18:46,275
-Mirrors polished?
-Till you can see your face in them.

326
00:18:46,360 --> 00:18:47,349
Good work.

327
00:18:47,720 --> 00:18:52,350
I had to close off this urinal here
momentarily for cleaning purposes,

328
00:18:52,440 --> 00:18:55,637
and, as you know, in this business
when that happens, the weak go to the wall.

329
00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:57,199
-Did you stop them?
-No problem.

330
00:19:03,640 --> 00:19:04,709
Good morning, sir.

331
00:19:06,720 --> 00:19:08,790
Is this your first visit to our facility?

332
00:19:10,560 --> 00:19:12,471
In which case, you will be pleased to know

333
00:19:12,560 --> 00:19:15,472
that the full-relief service cubicles
are situated to your right.

334
00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:17,710
The quick-service stalls are this way, sir.

335
00:19:29,880 --> 00:19:31,518
Thank you for your custom, sir.

336
00:19:32,280 --> 00:19:33,952
Damn. Damn it!

337
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:36,998
Damn it, Peter, we're still not attracting
the right kind of client.

338
00:19:37,080 --> 00:19:38,229
I know, John.

339
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:41,039
A lot of the more desirable punters
are going next door.

340
00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:43,509
Well, why in hell's name
aren't they coming here?

341
00:19:43,720 --> 00:19:45,199
Because they're women, John.

342
00:19:45,920 --> 00:19:50,471
Damn it all, Peter. I want you to go there and
find out who's running next door's operation.

343
00:19:50,560 --> 00:19:53,279
I already know who's running
next door's operation, John.

344
00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:55,555
It came as quite a surprise, I can tell you.

345
00:19:55,840 --> 00:19:59,879
No. No. No, Peter. I don't want to hear this.

346
00:19:59,960 --> 00:20:01,359
Yep, you guessed it.

347
00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:03,392
It's Marjorie, all right.

348
00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:05,675
Damn!

349
00:20:06,600 --> 00:20:11,628
-Good evening. I am Robert Robinson.
-And my name is Robert Robinson.

350
00:20:11,880 --> 00:20:13,393
Ah, we are…

351
00:20:13,480 --> 00:20:15,152
The Robert Robinsons.

352
00:20:15,240 --> 00:20:18,835
This is our hour. That much is certain.

353
00:20:18,920 --> 00:20:23,038
Though tish, ah, nay,
hush and fourpence, Mr Dwyer.

354
00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:26,152
And an extra point for being so clever.

355
00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:28,595
Would that it were, would that it were.

356
00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:33,510
Ah, indeed. Would that it were, Mr Charteris.
Would that it were.

357
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:39,829
Ah, now here's a thing that put pish and tish.

358
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:44,279
I have a letter from a Mr Colin Elgood
of Carshalton Beeches,

359
00:20:44,360 --> 00:20:48,672
who tells me that
he always turns his carrier bags inside out

360
00:20:48,760 --> 00:20:53,595
so as not to give free advertising
to Mr Sainsbury and men of his ilk.

361
00:20:53,840 --> 00:20:57,958
-Nay, men of his stamp.
-Men of his ilk, stamp and kidney.

362
00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:00,429
Your answer is better, Mr Meredith.

363
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:03,398
So much better, but wrong, sadly wrong.

364
00:21:03,760 --> 00:21:06,513
And an extra mark for being so clever.

365
00:21:07,880 --> 00:21:11,429
Ah, someone has plumped. Someone has plumped.

366
00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:13,272
Go on, Mr Harris, have a plump, too.

367
00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:16,830
But hish and tusk, it only now remains for me

368
00:21:16,920 --> 00:21:20,913
to declare the Twee family
winners of our little game.

369
00:21:21,040 --> 00:21:24,635
An extra point followed
by this round of applause.

370
00:21:26,680 --> 00:21:29,877
But, ah, the pity, the pity of it.

371
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:33,111
Time, our old enemy, comes round again.

372
00:21:33,200 --> 00:21:36,988
Ah, nish, tussock, flip and fourpence.

373
00:21:37,080 --> 00:21:39,913
-We bid you goodbye.
-We bid you farewell.

374
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:42,958
But our hish, bish, starp and trivock,

375
00:21:43,120 --> 00:21:45,873
not for long. Not for long.

376
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:50,714
Goodbye.

377
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,994
And do you know what makes me really mad?

378
00:21:54,240 --> 00:21:56,959
It's this belief that I'm John the Baptist.

379
00:21:58,360 --> 00:22:01,079
Well, the thing…
Oh, Christ, I've left the iron on.

380
00:22:10,280 --> 00:22:14,114
-Hello, Control.
-Hello, Tony. I'll be with you in a minute.

381
00:22:16,120 --> 00:22:18,918
I say, Control,
that's rather a splendid device.

382
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:22,231
Where did you get that,
if you don't mind my prying into your affairs?

383
00:22:22,600 --> 00:22:25,990
I don't mind at all, Tony.
After all, you're only human.

384
00:22:26,080 --> 00:22:28,275
That's right, Control, I am.

385
00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:33,509
It's my birthday today and this was a present
from my sister Marie.

386
00:22:34,440 --> 00:22:37,113
I didn't know you had a sister
called Marie, Control.

387
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:40,954
Well, Marie is actually a codename
I've invented for her

388
00:22:41,040 --> 00:22:43,838
to prevent people from
discovering her real name.

389
00:22:44,080 --> 00:22:46,878
Ah, well, that's cleared up
that little confusion.

390
00:22:47,720 --> 00:22:49,756
Her real name is Maria.

391
00:22:50,920 --> 00:22:53,878
You are a wily old fox, Control.

392
00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:59,436
Anyway, this contraption is called a telescupe.

393
00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:02,194
Telescupe?

394
00:23:02,360 --> 00:23:05,670
Yes, though I ought to point out that
that's also a codename.

395
00:23:06,480 --> 00:23:09,517
Say no more, Control. Hush-hush.

396
00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:13,195
Absolutely, though I don't think
I'd be speaking out of school

397
00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:18,434
if I said that this device allows you to
see quite clearly over quite a long distance.

398
00:23:19,400 --> 00:23:20,753
Here, have a go.

399
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:23,595
Control, I don't know what to say.

400
00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:25,558
Don't mention it, Tony.

401
00:23:25,880 --> 00:23:29,589
Have a look at that man there,
next to the telephone kiosk.

402
00:23:30,120 --> 00:23:32,429
Gosh, Control, you weren't exaggerating

403
00:23:32,520 --> 00:23:36,195
when you said it allowed you to see things
quite clearly over a long distance.

404
00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:38,994
That man could almost be in the room with us.

405
00:23:39,080 --> 00:23:40,798
That's a true thing to say.

406
00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:43,872
But here's where the telescupe comes in
because Tony?

407
00:23:43,960 --> 00:23:46,554
-Mmm?
-That man isn't in the room with us.

408
00:23:47,840 --> 00:23:50,559
Well, I thought he wasn't in the room
with us, Control,

409
00:23:50,640 --> 00:23:53,393
but I must say
it's nice to have it confirmed by you.

410
00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:56,919
He's actually on the other side of the street.

411
00:23:57,000 --> 00:23:59,673
Yes, Control, he's looking this way and…

412
00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:01,229
Wait a minute.

413
00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:05,313
That man is looking at us with a telescupe.

414
00:24:05,400 --> 00:24:09,393
Yes. It's my theory, Tony,
that he's an enemy agent

415
00:24:09,480 --> 00:24:12,597
charged with the task
of keeping us under surveillance.

416
00:24:14,320 --> 00:24:16,356
What a confounded cheek, Control.

417
00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:19,398
I've a good mind to fetch a policeman
and have him moved on.

418
00:24:19,520 --> 00:24:22,239
Steady on, Tony, I've got a better plan.

419
00:24:22,920 --> 00:24:27,038
Valerie was kind enough to go outside
and find out the number of the kiosk.

420
00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:32,833
Control, that man is going into the kiosk
and he's lifted up the receiver.

421
00:24:33,320 --> 00:24:35,675
Hello, enemy agent?

422
00:24:36,400 --> 00:24:37,992
It's Control here.

423
00:24:39,240 --> 00:24:40,753
Very well, thank you.

424
00:24:42,160 --> 00:24:44,993
Could you stop keeping us
under surveillance, please?

425
00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:47,475
Thank you.

426
00:24:48,760 --> 00:24:53,231
Control, your plan is working.
He's getting into a car and driving away.

427
00:24:53,840 --> 00:24:57,435
Another small but significant
victory for our side.

428
00:24:57,520 --> 00:24:59,431
Congratulations, Control.

429
00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:02,832
Now, you run along and
get a nice cup of coffee,

430
00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:06,196
and we'll pretend this whole ugly incident
never took place.

431
00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:10,037
-I can go one better than that, Control.
-Oh?

432
00:25:10,640 --> 00:25:15,919
♫ Happy birthday to Control
Happy birthday to Control ♫

433
00:25:16,040 --> 00:25:17,632
Oh, get along with you.

434
00:25:18,960 --> 00:25:20,791
Aren't you going to open it, then?

435
00:25:21,240 --> 00:25:22,355
Bo!

436
00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:26,315
Ladies and gentlemen, some very exciting news.

437
00:25:26,400 --> 00:25:30,791
Yes, absolutely. We have, ladies and gentlemen,
hit 1.6 on the big-o-meter.

438
00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:36,154
You, um…

439
00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:40,192
you remember we told you earlier
about the large number of dogs

440
00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:42,111
that watch us here on A Bit of Fry and Laurie?

441
00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:45,198
Yes, well, we're happy to say
that Irene, a red setter

442
00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:49,159
who lives in Lytham St Anne's
way down in… Surrey, is it?

443
00:25:49,240 --> 00:25:51,993
-Sussex, Lancashire…
-Devon, Wiltshire…

444
00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:55,755
Somewhere like that, anyway. Now, Irene
watches A Bit of Fry and Laurie every week,

445
00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:58,400
but in the last half hour
she's had five puppies.

446
00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:01,597
And the consequent boost to our viewing figures

447
00:26:01,680 --> 00:26:03,989
has pushed us right up into the high ones.

448
00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:05,229
-Yes.
-So, there we are.

449
00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:08,073
So, we are now, then,
ladies and gentlemen, officially big!

450
00:26:08,560 --> 00:26:11,279
Too big, I fear, to perform
our own sketches any more.

451
00:26:11,360 --> 00:26:14,716
That's right. Yes, our last sketch this evening
is going to be performed for us

452
00:26:14,800 --> 00:26:16,916
by a pair of young South American actors.

453
00:26:17,000 --> 00:26:19,389
That's right.
We're just going to sit here and enjoy a drink

454
00:26:19,480 --> 00:26:22,358
while the sketch is done for us by…
well, servants really.

455
00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:23,919
-Servants. Yes, yes.
-Yes.

456
00:26:24,000 --> 00:26:26,389
-It's nice being big, isn't it?
-I love being big.

457
00:26:26,480 --> 00:26:27,515
-Big.
-Yes.

458
00:26:27,600 --> 00:26:28,999
-Come on, off you go.
-Yep.

459
00:26:32,040 --> 00:26:33,632
Hello, Mr Doli.

460
00:26:34,120 --> 00:26:37,829
Hello.
What can I do for you on this lovely day?

461
00:26:39,760 --> 00:26:44,390
Well, you know I lent you my lawnmower

462
00:26:44,880 --> 00:26:46,711
some time ago?

463
00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:49,315
Yes.

464
00:26:51,160 --> 00:26:53,310
Could I have it back, please?

465
00:26:54,480 --> 00:26:56,675
But I haven't wiped it yet.

466
00:26:58,000 --> 00:26:59,149
Oh, dear.

467
00:27:00,640 --> 00:27:02,915
How long will it take you to wipe it?

468
00:27:03,840 --> 00:27:07,992
Well, if I'm going to wipe it properly,
about two weeks.

469
00:27:09,600 --> 00:27:11,113
Yours is very good, isn't he?

470
00:27:11,200 --> 00:27:13,760
Oh, he's marvellous, a godsend.
I don't know what I'd do without him.

471
00:27:13,840 --> 00:27:16,479
-No, I don't blame you, I don't blame you.
-Marvellous.

472
00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:19,989
-Oh, wait a minute. It's coming through.
-This could be it.

473
00:27:20,080 --> 00:27:21,718
Manuel, Fernandez,

474
00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:25,110
if you'd like to bow to the audience and then
off you go. We won't need you any more.

475
00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:27,794
-Yep. Thank you.
-All right? Bow to the audience.

476
00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:34,429
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
the moment we've all been waiting for.

477
00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:37,592
Yes, ladies and gentlemen,
we are now being joined live by satellite

478
00:27:37,680 --> 00:27:40,990
-by Mr Marlon Brando! Yes!
-Oh, yes! How exciting.

479
00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:45,710
Hello there, good evening, Marlon.
How are you doing, my man?

480
00:27:50,320 --> 00:27:53,915
-Bit quiet, isn't he?
-No, no, Hugh. Not quiet, never quiet.

481
00:27:54,000 --> 00:27:58,232
Merely sullen, brooding,
and possessed of an intense silent charisma.

482
00:27:58,840 --> 00:28:00,034
-Quiet.
-Yes.

483
00:28:01,320 --> 00:28:05,359
Marlon, do you know who you're talking to here?
Do you know who we are?

484
00:28:06,480 --> 00:28:09,552
-He's still not moving his lips, Stephen.
-When you're as big as Marlon,

485
00:28:09,640 --> 00:28:12,279
you don't have to move your lips.
You get someone else to move them for you.

486
00:28:12,360 --> 00:28:14,954
-Like we have people doing our…
-Our sketches, yes. That's right.

487
00:28:15,040 --> 00:28:16,996
Marlon, Marlon, it's the biggies talking.

488
00:28:17,080 --> 00:28:18,718
You know who we are?

489
00:28:18,800 --> 00:28:20,199
Good evening to you.

490
00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:23,110
Well, good evening to you, sir.

491
00:28:24,800 --> 00:28:28,110
Hey, you're Little and Large, right?

492
00:28:29,240 --> 00:28:31,674
-Uh, well…
-Yes, yes, that's right. Yes, we are.

493
00:28:31,760 --> 00:28:34,035
-Little and Large, that's quite right.
-Gotta go now.

494
00:28:34,560 --> 00:28:35,788
-Ah.
-Ah, well.

495
00:28:35,880 --> 00:28:37,518
Well, goodbye, Marlon.

496
00:28:37,600 --> 00:28:41,115
And goodbye to you all
from A Bit of Little and Large.

497
00:28:41,200 --> 00:28:42,474
Bye-bye.