1 00:00:42,325 --> 00:00:44,839 Thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. 2 00:00:44,925 --> 00:00:46,438 Thank you so very much. 3 00:00:47,525 --> 00:00:49,993 Well, good evening. 4 00:00:51,405 --> 00:00:52,804 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome. 5 00:00:52,885 --> 00:00:54,398 Well, my hands are a bit full so, Hugh, 6 00:00:54,485 --> 00:00:56,680 perhaps you wouldn't mind doing the apostrophes for me this week? 7 00:00:56,765 --> 00:01:00,599 -Certainly, right. -Welcome to A Bit of Fry and Laurie. 8 00:01:01,725 --> 00:01:03,636 Some very, very exciting news. 9 00:01:04,005 --> 00:01:05,563 I received a letter today. 10 00:01:05,645 --> 00:01:06,634 -Hugh, if you would. -Right. 11 00:01:06,725 --> 00:01:11,276 A letter from Buckingham Palace and I'm going to read it to you. 12 00:01:12,525 --> 00:01:14,959 “Dear Mr Fry…” Misspelt. 13 00:01:16,245 --> 00:01:19,476 “Thank you very much for applying for the MBE. 14 00:01:21,285 --> 00:01:23,116 “As you know, numbers are limited. 15 00:01:23,205 --> 00:01:27,835 “We have only one MBE left on the upcoming Honours List.” 16 00:01:28,165 --> 00:01:30,076 -Oh, dear. -It's disappointing, isn't it? 17 00:01:30,165 --> 00:01:33,760 -That is disappointing. “Upcoming”? -Yes. Rather American, isn't it? 18 00:01:33,845 --> 00:01:35,483 Still, it goes on. 19 00:01:35,565 --> 00:01:38,921 “Apart from yourself, the shortlist includes Arthur Holt, 20 00:01:39,005 --> 00:01:40,723 “Reading's Mr Ballbearings, 21 00:01:42,045 --> 00:01:46,641 “Elspeth Reid, deputy to the deputy-deputy of the Chobham Conservative Party 22 00:01:47,085 --> 00:01:50,157 “and Sally Cooke.” Who is an Olympic athlete, is that right? 23 00:01:50,245 --> 00:01:53,362 -Oh, come on. Everyone knows who Sally Cooke is. -Sorry, okay. 24 00:01:53,445 --> 00:01:57,154 “And the winner will be the one who, in the opinion of the judges, 25 00:01:57,405 --> 00:01:59,202 “comes up with the best slogan.” 26 00:02:02,005 --> 00:02:04,280 -Slogan? -Yes, you have to say, 27 00:02:04,365 --> 00:02:05,684 in not more than 10 words, 28 00:02:05,765 --> 00:02:08,677 why you think the Queen is both marvellous and important. 29 00:02:11,005 --> 00:02:12,074 Right. Well… 30 00:02:12,165 --> 00:02:13,883 Well, come on, Hugh. You're a words man. Have a go. 31 00:02:13,965 --> 00:02:16,479 -It can't be that hard, can it? In 10 words. -Not more than. 32 00:02:17,125 --> 00:02:21,721 Right. I think the Queen is both marvellous and important because… 33 00:02:21,805 --> 00:02:23,238 That's it. 34 00:02:24,045 --> 00:02:25,364 -What? -10 words. 35 00:02:26,245 --> 00:02:29,362 “I think the Queen is both marvellous and important because.” 36 00:02:29,845 --> 00:02:32,757 -Yeah. It's got sort of a ring to it. -Yeah. 37 00:02:33,485 --> 00:02:35,680 -It's not overstated. -No, no. She'd like that, the Queen. 38 00:02:35,765 --> 00:02:38,120 -Very, very understated woman. -Terribly understated. 39 00:02:38,205 --> 00:02:39,718 -Discreetly understated. -Oh, yes, discreet. 40 00:02:39,805 --> 00:02:43,923 She'd never fall into the easy trap of overstating her understatedness. 41 00:02:44,005 --> 00:02:45,757 -Exactly. Very like Sally Cooke, actually. -Yes. 42 00:02:45,845 --> 00:02:47,801 I think the Queen and Sally Cooke would get on very well. 43 00:02:47,885 --> 00:02:48,954 That's true, actually, isn't it? 44 00:02:49,045 --> 00:02:50,683 Let's face it. Sally Cooke's got it, hasn't she? 45 00:02:50,765 --> 00:02:52,084 -She'll win the MBE. -Yeah, yeah. 46 00:02:52,165 --> 00:02:57,159 Well, then, ladies and gentlemen, a big A Bit hand for Sally Cooke, 47 00:02:57,245 --> 00:03:00,920 captain of the British Winter Olympics synchronised losing team! 48 00:03:10,205 --> 00:03:12,514 This is Dominic Appleguard. 49 00:03:13,285 --> 00:03:16,163 Dominic Appleguard is unhappy. 50 00:03:18,805 --> 00:03:21,273 When Dominic Appleguard was three months old, 51 00:03:21,685 --> 00:03:22,913 his mother left him. 52 00:03:26,085 --> 00:03:30,044 Dominic Appleguard always felt different from the other boys at school. 53 00:03:30,485 --> 00:03:33,795 He felt apart, somehow separate. 54 00:03:33,885 --> 00:03:37,844 Unlike them, dissimilar, not the same. 55 00:03:41,685 --> 00:03:44,279 Dominic's father died when he was only seven. 56 00:03:48,925 --> 00:03:54,204 Dominic developed a passion for broadcaster and TV personality Bob Holness. 57 00:03:59,245 --> 00:04:02,521 He vowed to strive always to be worthy of him. 58 00:04:06,845 --> 00:04:10,804 Dominic wears a hat in an odd but caring way. 59 00:04:13,045 --> 00:04:14,922 You can trust him with a peony 60 00:04:16,365 --> 00:04:18,003 and a cod. 61 00:04:22,285 --> 00:04:26,836 Dominic Appleguard designed the M25. 62 00:04:29,645 --> 00:04:33,524 If there were any justice in this world, Esther Rantzen would be Queen. 63 00:04:34,325 --> 00:04:35,474 Luckily, there isn't. 64 00:04:36,885 --> 00:04:40,434 Well, you see, it's a sensitive area, isn't it? It's a very sensitive area. 65 00:04:40,525 --> 00:04:42,038 That's why I very rarely rub it. 66 00:04:48,165 --> 00:04:50,599 Hello there. I am Rhodes Boyson. 67 00:04:51,365 --> 00:04:53,925 Good evening. My name is Rhodes Boyson. 68 00:04:54,525 --> 00:04:58,359 We are the Rhodes Boysons and this is our hour. 69 00:04:58,485 --> 00:05:00,077 An hour in which phrases… 70 00:05:00,165 --> 00:05:02,042 Phrases, certainly. Yes, certainly phrases. 71 00:05:02,125 --> 00:05:04,764 Phrases such as “centres of excellence” will be much in evidence. 72 00:05:04,845 --> 00:05:08,394 The phrase “centre of excellence” will be muchly evidenced. 73 00:05:08,485 --> 00:05:11,636 -And by “centre of excellence” we mean… -We mean primarily… 74 00:05:11,725 --> 00:05:14,159 -Primarily, that is. -A centre that is… 75 00:05:14,245 --> 00:05:16,361 -By and large… -By-ly and largely… 76 00:05:16,445 --> 00:05:18,117 Excellent in some regard. 77 00:05:18,645 --> 00:05:22,115 -In some regard or other. -In some or other regard. 78 00:05:22,485 --> 00:05:25,921 That is what we mean by “centre of excellence”. I hope that's cleared that one up. 79 00:05:26,285 --> 00:05:28,799 Another word that cannot be stressed enough is “standards”. 80 00:05:28,885 --> 00:05:32,002 Standards as in “standards of excellence”, 81 00:05:32,285 --> 00:05:35,163 “moral standards” and “standards of accountability”. 82 00:05:35,245 --> 00:05:38,681 “Standards of accountability”. Oh, I love that one. Yes. 83 00:05:39,165 --> 00:05:40,803 Now, be prepared also for this phrase, 84 00:05:40,885 --> 00:05:43,718 “working to improve the lot of small businesses”. 85 00:05:44,165 --> 00:05:45,154 -Careful. -Careful. 86 00:05:45,245 --> 00:05:46,234 -Careful. -Careful. 87 00:05:46,325 --> 00:05:50,284 Careful. That's not working to improve “a” lot of small businesses. 88 00:05:50,485 --> 00:05:53,841 That's working to improve “the” lot of small businesses. 89 00:05:54,125 --> 00:05:57,322 So, for the time being, we'll leave you with these three marvellous phrases. 90 00:05:57,565 --> 00:06:00,443 -“Centres of excellence”. -That's “centres of excellence”. 91 00:06:00,525 --> 00:06:03,437 -“Standards of accountability”. -“Standards of accountability”. 92 00:06:03,525 --> 00:06:05,755 I do love that one. I shall be using that one in bed tonight. 93 00:06:06,365 --> 00:06:09,084 And “working to improve the lot…” Careful! 94 00:06:09,325 --> 00:06:10,360 Careful. 95 00:06:10,725 --> 00:06:13,285 “…the lot of small businesses”. 96 00:06:14,525 --> 00:06:16,880 So, it's bye-bye from Rhodes Boyson. 97 00:06:17,365 --> 00:06:19,321 And it's bye-bye from Rhodes Boyson. 98 00:06:19,805 --> 00:06:21,238 We trust that you have enjoyed… 99 00:06:21,325 --> 00:06:22,678 Our hour. 100 00:06:26,925 --> 00:06:30,201 He just picked me up and started to slap me really hard. 101 00:06:30,285 --> 00:06:32,674 I cried and cried, but he didn't take any notice. 102 00:06:32,885 --> 00:06:34,796 Then he put a plastic tag round my wrist, 103 00:06:34,885 --> 00:06:37,843 cut my umbilical cord and put me in a cot. It was awful. 104 00:06:41,245 --> 00:06:42,234 Mr Kerniff. 105 00:06:43,525 --> 00:06:45,675 -Where…? -Mr Kerniff, how are you feeling? 106 00:06:46,085 --> 00:06:47,074 Where am I? 107 00:06:47,285 --> 00:06:50,357 You probably don't remember, Mr Kerniff, but you were in an accident. 108 00:06:50,525 --> 00:06:52,993 -A van? -No, an accident. 109 00:06:54,365 --> 00:06:56,959 -You were on your bicycle and you were hit… -By a van. 110 00:06:57,125 --> 00:06:58,160 That's right. 111 00:06:59,045 --> 00:07:01,115 -Am I all right? -Oh, you're going to be fine, Mr Kerniff. 112 00:07:01,205 --> 00:07:03,275 Lots of drink and plenty of hot sleep. 113 00:07:03,365 --> 00:07:04,514 Right. 114 00:07:05,605 --> 00:07:10,076 I'm afraid to say, however, that you did sustain a very serious injury to your genitals. 115 00:07:11,645 --> 00:07:15,115 -Oh, dear. -“Oh,” as you rightly say, “dear.” 116 00:07:16,045 --> 00:07:18,798 So serious, in fact, that we were forced to remove them. 117 00:07:19,245 --> 00:07:21,554 My genitals? Oh, no! 118 00:07:22,045 --> 00:07:24,798 Oh, as you didn't rightly say, yes. 119 00:07:29,005 --> 00:07:30,404 However will I manage? 120 00:07:31,005 --> 00:07:32,802 Well, did you use them often, Mr Kerniff? 121 00:07:33,365 --> 00:07:35,515 No, but it was nice to know they were there. 122 00:07:36,365 --> 00:07:38,560 Well, I shouldn't worry too much, Mr Kerniff. 123 00:07:38,645 --> 00:07:40,681 Medical science has advanced a great deal. 124 00:07:40,765 --> 00:07:43,598 Prosthetic and substitute legs, arms, 125 00:07:43,685 --> 00:07:45,835 even noses are now really quite commonplace. 126 00:07:46,205 --> 00:07:48,241 You supply substitute genitals? 127 00:07:51,965 --> 00:07:53,842 Say hello to Killer, Mr Kerniff. 128 00:07:54,965 --> 00:07:56,000 I don't… 129 00:07:56,085 --> 00:07:58,280 I don't want a dog's genitals, for heaven's sake. 130 00:08:00,165 --> 00:08:02,725 What an almost amusing misunderstanding, Mr Kerniff. 131 00:08:03,405 --> 00:08:06,522 No, no, no. No, Killer here will simply be your substitute 132 00:08:06,605 --> 00:08:07,833 for having genitals. 133 00:08:10,085 --> 00:08:11,154 I beg your pardon? 134 00:08:11,245 --> 00:08:13,713 Oh, surely you've seen people walking around with Dobermans before? 135 00:08:13,805 --> 00:08:16,603 -Yes. -Yeah, well, for men who have no genitals, 136 00:08:16,685 --> 00:08:20,234 the ownership of a Doberman, or a similarly violent animal, 137 00:08:20,325 --> 00:08:22,919 acts as an important psychological crutch. 138 00:08:24,445 --> 00:08:26,959 And I stress the word “important”. 139 00:08:28,525 --> 00:08:29,924 What about making love? 140 00:08:30,005 --> 00:08:32,519 Oh, I'm sure Killer will be on for that, won't you now? 141 00:08:33,245 --> 00:08:37,716 Yes. Now, in addition, we will also be supplying you with a diving watch, 142 00:08:39,245 --> 00:08:41,634 a year's subscription to Guns & Ammo 143 00:08:42,525 --> 00:08:44,436 and this camouflage combat jacket. 144 00:08:45,085 --> 00:08:47,474 -Oh, yes, and these will also be yours. -What are they? 145 00:08:47,565 --> 00:08:50,079 Keys to your rusty white van. It's parked outside. 146 00:08:51,125 --> 00:08:52,683 -Doctor. -Yes, Mr Kerniff? 147 00:08:53,125 --> 00:08:55,355 I appreciate that you're trying to help here, 148 00:08:55,565 --> 00:08:59,478 but I also used my genitals for, you know, expelling urine. 149 00:09:00,125 --> 00:09:02,639 Oh, but Mr Kerniff, that's the beauty of the whole system. 150 00:09:02,725 --> 00:09:05,159 When people see you in a combat jacket 151 00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:07,839 driving around in a rusty white van with Killer here in the back, 152 00:09:07,925 --> 00:09:09,961 the piss will be taken out of you constantly. 153 00:09:12,365 --> 00:09:14,560 Anyway, I was very reasonable. I said to the bank manager, 154 00:09:14,645 --> 00:09:16,636 you know, “Come on, it takes two to tango,” 155 00:09:16,725 --> 00:09:20,081 and he said, “Yeah, but it only takes one 156 00:09:20,165 --> 00:09:22,201 “to get out of my office and never come back.” 157 00:09:33,765 --> 00:09:34,834 Freddy. 158 00:09:37,645 --> 00:09:39,761 Good heavens, Jack, I didn't see you there. 159 00:09:40,645 --> 00:09:41,964 Good evening, Freddy. 160 00:09:42,525 --> 00:09:44,402 Well, good evening, Jack. 161 00:09:45,885 --> 00:09:48,797 Now, then, Freddy, you're a decent sort of chap. 162 00:09:49,685 --> 00:09:50,720 Well, I… 163 00:09:50,805 --> 00:09:51,920 Yes, I think so, Jack. Yes. 164 00:09:52,005 --> 00:09:54,599 I try to be a decent sort of chap, yes. 165 00:09:55,445 --> 00:09:57,515 Can I ask you a question, Freddy? 166 00:09:58,165 --> 00:10:00,474 Ask away, Jack. Ask a-bloody-way. 167 00:10:00,565 --> 00:10:01,759 Are you one of us? 168 00:10:02,285 --> 00:10:06,073 -Am I one of us? -Yes. 169 00:10:06,965 --> 00:10:11,117 -Am I one of us? -Yes. 170 00:10:11,925 --> 00:10:15,838 I'm not… I'm not entirely sure I've understood your question, Jack. 171 00:10:16,125 --> 00:10:17,763 Let me put it another way. 172 00:10:17,845 --> 00:10:20,837 Oh, would you, Jack? Yes, well, I'd be enormously grateful, yes. 173 00:10:21,805 --> 00:10:23,284 Do you believe in the cause? 174 00:10:24,045 --> 00:10:26,240 -The cause? -Cause of freedom. 175 00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:29,963 Well, Jack. I suppose… 176 00:10:30,245 --> 00:10:32,554 generally, yes. Yes, I do. Yes. 177 00:10:32,805 --> 00:10:34,523 If anyone's passing the hat round for freedom, 178 00:10:34,605 --> 00:10:37,073 then I'll bung them a quid or two, Jack, yes. 179 00:10:38,325 --> 00:10:40,281 I thought so. I thought so from the first. 180 00:10:40,365 --> 00:10:43,562 Yes, I'm one of us, Jack, if you want to put it that way. 181 00:10:44,045 --> 00:10:45,034 Excellent. 182 00:10:45,525 --> 00:10:48,483 Phew. Well, we got there in the end, eh, Jack? Sorted that one out. 183 00:10:49,765 --> 00:10:51,642 Gets a bit more complicated now. 184 00:10:52,845 --> 00:10:54,073 Hold on. 185 00:10:55,405 --> 00:10:58,681 Would you be prepared to do something in the cause of freedom? 186 00:11:00,205 --> 00:11:02,594 Wh-what sort of thing, Jack? 187 00:11:03,485 --> 00:11:06,283 Jumble sale? Hand out leaflets? What? 188 00:11:06,885 --> 00:11:08,637 Put a bomb in a restaurant. 189 00:11:09,805 --> 00:11:12,035 Put a bomb in a restaurant? 190 00:11:13,365 --> 00:11:14,354 Crikey. 191 00:11:16,165 --> 00:11:18,076 And leave it there, you mean? 192 00:11:18,165 --> 00:11:20,235 Leave it there, that's right. 193 00:11:20,445 --> 00:11:23,482 Yes, yes. You don't mean put it there, 194 00:11:23,565 --> 00:11:25,920 have a spot of lunch and then take it out again? 195 00:11:26,205 --> 00:11:29,402 No. I mean leave it there. 196 00:11:31,045 --> 00:11:33,434 -Until it goes off? -Precisely. 197 00:11:34,405 --> 00:11:37,875 Do you think you could manage that, Freddy, in the cause of freedom? 198 00:11:42,365 --> 00:11:43,354 Well, Jack… 199 00:11:45,445 --> 00:11:47,197 Jack, I wonder if you wouldn't mind 200 00:11:47,285 --> 00:11:49,640 sort of joining up the dots for me, if you like. 201 00:11:50,445 --> 00:11:52,037 If it'll make it easier for you. 202 00:11:52,125 --> 00:11:54,559 Well, I… I think it will, Jack. I think it will. 203 00:11:54,645 --> 00:12:00,038 Yeah, because unless I fainted and missed a whole chunk of the conversation, 204 00:12:01,525 --> 00:12:04,801 we've been sitting here, you and I, having a nice old chat, nice old chat, 205 00:12:04,885 --> 00:12:08,241 putting the world to rights and so on, and then suddenly, 206 00:12:08,485 --> 00:12:11,318 you're asking me to put a bomb in a restaurant. 207 00:12:11,445 --> 00:12:12,434 That's right. 208 00:12:12,525 --> 00:12:17,519 Yes, well, those are the two dots I'd like you to join up, Jack, if you wouldn't mind. 209 00:12:17,605 --> 00:12:20,039 The nice chat and the bomb in the restaurant. 210 00:12:20,125 --> 00:12:22,514 Just join them up for me, there's a good fellow. 211 00:12:22,685 --> 00:12:25,199 All right, then, Freddy. 212 00:12:26,285 --> 00:12:27,923 There are certain people 213 00:12:28,565 --> 00:12:30,556 who do not believe in the cause. 214 00:12:31,885 --> 00:12:34,115 -Don't believe in freedom, you mean? -That's right. 215 00:12:35,165 --> 00:12:36,962 -Utter swine. -Right. 216 00:12:38,925 --> 00:12:41,837 And they eat in a particular restaurant, do they, Jack? 217 00:12:42,245 --> 00:12:46,443 Some of them will be eating in a particular restaurant on a particular day, yes. 218 00:12:46,725 --> 00:12:49,000 Well, Jack, sorry to stop you, 219 00:12:49,085 --> 00:12:51,645 -but I've an idea. -Yes? 220 00:12:51,725 --> 00:12:55,877 Yes, well, you know who these people are? 221 00:12:55,965 --> 00:12:56,954 -Yes. -Yes. 222 00:12:57,045 --> 00:12:58,876 And you know which restaurant they're going to be in? 223 00:12:58,965 --> 00:13:01,399 -Yes. -Right, so here's the idea. 224 00:13:01,485 --> 00:13:04,124 We go in there, you and I, Jack, 225 00:13:04,205 --> 00:13:08,915 and we sit down at their table and we have it out with them, eh, Jack? 226 00:13:09,005 --> 00:13:11,917 -Face to face. What do you say? -Fight them, you mean? 227 00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:14,480 No! No, no, no, Jack. No, argument. 228 00:13:14,685 --> 00:13:17,757 Argument! You're a persuasive fellow, Jack. 229 00:13:18,405 --> 00:13:21,795 You know, I bet you we could sit down at their table over the soup 230 00:13:21,885 --> 00:13:25,400 and you could talk, Jack, and I'll back you. I'll back you to the hilt, Jack! 231 00:13:25,485 --> 00:13:28,045 And I bet you anything we could have them believing in freedom 232 00:13:28,125 --> 00:13:30,685 by the time the pudding arrives, eh? What do you say, Jack? Hm? 233 00:13:31,205 --> 00:13:33,275 I don't think that'll quite do, Freddy. 234 00:13:33,965 --> 00:13:36,718 It won't quite do. All right, Jack. All right, how about this? 235 00:13:38,125 --> 00:13:41,401 We pretend… We pretend to put a bomb in the restaurant. 236 00:13:41,485 --> 00:13:43,203 -Freddy. -Yes, Jack? 237 00:13:43,565 --> 00:13:45,999 -I think perhaps… -Yes? 238 00:13:46,685 --> 00:13:48,915 I think perhaps I was wrong about you. 239 00:13:49,685 --> 00:13:53,473 No, Jack! No! No, you weren't. No, you were absolutely right, Jack. 240 00:13:53,565 --> 00:13:56,125 -Right as ruddy rain, you were. -Well, then. 241 00:13:58,645 --> 00:14:00,715 Jack, it's just that… 242 00:14:01,485 --> 00:14:04,761 I'm just the most awful duffer at this sort of thing, you know? 243 00:14:04,845 --> 00:14:08,360 The restaurant is called the Etoile d'Or in Maddox Street. 244 00:14:08,445 --> 00:14:12,757 I suggest you put that behind the lavatory system but of course, it's up to you. 245 00:14:13,725 --> 00:14:14,999 Oh, hell. 246 00:14:19,005 --> 00:14:23,203 Last night, I got what is technically known as completely ratted. 247 00:14:24,605 --> 00:14:27,358 Yes. I was not unadjacent to being totally legless. 248 00:14:28,565 --> 00:14:31,637 I was exceedingly proximate to being paralytic. 249 00:14:32,245 --> 00:14:35,043 I think an observer would have designated me quadriplegic. 250 00:14:35,885 --> 00:14:37,716 Poleaxed, certainly. 251 00:14:38,645 --> 00:14:40,283 So much so that when I woke up this morning, 252 00:14:40,365 --> 00:14:44,517 I couldn't remember the names of the five moons of Treglos 14. 253 00:14:45,405 --> 00:14:46,724 Oh? 254 00:14:46,805 --> 00:14:50,241 -Dear me. Dear me, indeed. I hope you can now. -Oh, certainly. Yes, yes. 255 00:14:50,325 --> 00:14:55,194 Zutron, Maim, Thrompthane, Sneet and Palstreecken. 256 00:14:55,685 --> 00:14:58,836 You know, I was not far distant yesterday in thinking that I'd uncovered 257 00:14:58,925 --> 00:15:02,315 a minor but definite inconsistency in the Miemstiff trilogy. 258 00:15:02,645 --> 00:15:05,876 -Say on. -Well, you know how in The Cold Planet 259 00:15:06,205 --> 00:15:09,117 Fliggsnare announces the three rules of the galactic quest? 260 00:15:09,765 --> 00:15:12,802 Well, I hope I wasn't so… I hope I wasn't so arseholed last night 261 00:15:12,885 --> 00:15:13,954 as to forget that. 262 00:15:15,765 --> 00:15:20,156 It says that any voyager who breaks a rule, yes, 263 00:15:20,365 --> 00:15:23,880 will be disqualified from the quest and re-colonised to the Quiet Zone. 264 00:15:24,685 --> 00:15:27,245 -True. -Yes, well, in Return of the Suk People, 265 00:15:27,405 --> 00:15:29,521 Fringo breaks the second rule 266 00:15:29,605 --> 00:15:32,722 by communicating with an empath from the Stained Quadrant. 267 00:15:32,805 --> 00:15:34,761 Yet he's never disqualified, is he? 268 00:15:34,845 --> 00:15:37,120 That's exceptionally true, as a matter of fact. 269 00:15:37,845 --> 00:15:41,315 I wonder if it might be worth writing to Jim Willis and pointing out that inconsistency? 270 00:15:41,405 --> 00:15:43,316 Well, I fully intend so to do. 271 00:15:45,685 --> 00:15:47,880 Oh. Anyway, in answer to your question… 272 00:15:47,965 --> 00:15:50,479 -Steffi Graf. -And I don't know. 273 00:15:52,165 --> 00:15:54,315 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 274 00:15:54,405 --> 00:15:58,239 This next song is a big hit for I in France. 275 00:15:58,325 --> 00:16:01,283 But now I make the change with it 276 00:16:01,365 --> 00:16:03,959 for the English speak. 277 00:16:05,845 --> 00:16:10,077 ♫ When your eyes are stubborn 278 00:16:11,005 --> 00:16:15,123 ♫ To many behind the cupboard 279 00:16:16,085 --> 00:16:19,600 ♫ Underneath your nose 280 00:16:20,245 --> 00:16:25,160 ♫ In all my little moonshine bottom ♫ 281 00:16:29,725 --> 00:16:31,636 They've got a bigger table than we have. 282 00:16:31,725 --> 00:16:33,397 Come on, Stuart. This is fine. 283 00:16:33,485 --> 00:16:35,635 No. Look, there are two of them. They've got a bigger table. 284 00:16:35,725 --> 00:16:36,953 There are four of us, look at this. 285 00:16:37,045 --> 00:16:39,923 -Oh, Stuart, for heaven's sake, a table's a table. -Darling. 286 00:16:40,485 --> 00:16:42,919 No, well, Jill, there we differ, you and I. 287 00:16:43,005 --> 00:16:45,565 To me there are tables and there are tables. Am I right, Gordon? 288 00:16:45,645 --> 00:16:48,284 Well, you know me, Stuart. Table is as table does. 289 00:16:48,365 --> 00:16:50,435 At least it's snug, poppet. 290 00:16:51,685 --> 00:16:55,883 What it is, poppet, is cramped. You should have used my name when you booked. 291 00:16:55,965 --> 00:16:57,000 I did. 292 00:16:57,125 --> 00:16:58,478 What, Mr Poppet? 293 00:17:03,125 --> 00:17:04,114 Oh. 294 00:17:04,205 --> 00:17:06,082 -Good evening, sir. -Good evening. 295 00:17:07,245 --> 00:17:08,598 Table for bomb, please. 296 00:17:09,165 --> 00:17:10,200 Excuse me? 297 00:17:12,725 --> 00:17:15,285 Yes. Table for one. For one. I was… 298 00:17:15,685 --> 00:17:18,040 Sorry. Bit nervous. I've never… 299 00:17:19,125 --> 00:17:20,877 never actually eaten. 300 00:17:21,885 --> 00:17:23,159 I mean, before. 301 00:17:23,805 --> 00:17:26,478 Oh, well, you have chosen the perfect place to start. 302 00:17:26,565 --> 00:17:27,554 Have I? 303 00:17:28,245 --> 00:17:29,360 Follow me, please. 304 00:17:35,085 --> 00:17:38,680 -So, what did we think of the show? -Loved it. Thought it was really nice. 305 00:17:38,765 --> 00:17:40,915 Me, too. High quality entertainment. 306 00:17:41,005 --> 00:17:43,155 Yeah, well, I'm going to come right out and say it's a, you know, 307 00:17:43,245 --> 00:17:47,079 that to me, Jeffrey Archer is the finest playwright this country has turned out 308 00:17:47,165 --> 00:17:50,202 since… since William Shakespeare. 309 00:17:50,445 --> 00:17:52,083 That's a hell of a statement, Stu. 310 00:17:52,165 --> 00:17:55,601 Well, I'm going to go one further, Gordon. To me, Jeffrey Archer delivers. 311 00:17:55,685 --> 00:17:58,040 Oh, the guy can write, no question. 312 00:17:58,405 --> 00:17:59,599 Delivers, does he? 313 00:17:59,925 --> 00:18:02,644 -I beg your pardon, Jill? -Come on, darling. You know what he means. 314 00:18:02,725 --> 00:18:05,956 No, it's all right. Thank you, Gordon. I can fight my own battles. 315 00:18:07,005 --> 00:18:11,078 What he delivers, Jill, to my mind, is quality drama. 316 00:18:12,045 --> 00:18:14,275 Okay, it's a little dangerous. 317 00:18:15,165 --> 00:18:18,680 Okay, it's not something that your average joe punter is going to find all that accessible, 318 00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:21,233 but in the market he's working to, he delivers, 319 00:18:21,325 --> 00:18:24,874 and Gordon will tell you that that's a compliment I use very sparingly indeed. 320 00:18:24,965 --> 00:18:26,637 It's true actually, Jill. It's true. 321 00:18:27,005 --> 00:18:30,042 Stuart is not the kind of man to bandy the word “deliver” around the place. 322 00:18:30,125 --> 00:18:33,197 -Yeah, well. Thank you, Gordon. -I thought the sets were marvellous. 323 00:18:33,285 --> 00:18:35,640 They were really clever. Weren't they, poppet? 324 00:18:35,725 --> 00:18:38,239 Yeah, and the costumes, they were fantastic. 325 00:18:38,325 --> 00:18:40,634 Sorry, they were wearing suits, weren't they? 326 00:18:41,125 --> 00:18:45,038 Well, this is where Jeffrey Archer is so strongly seen, in his observation. 327 00:18:45,405 --> 00:18:46,884 He's observed that in an office 328 00:18:46,965 --> 00:18:49,604 a large number of people wear suits. Isn't that right, Gordon? 329 00:18:49,685 --> 00:18:52,916 -Absolutely, Stu. -Yeah, well, you see, he's observed that, you see? 330 00:18:53,005 --> 00:18:55,519 I mean, the guy's got an eye for detail, like… 331 00:18:55,605 --> 00:18:57,596 Well, there's no one like him in my book. 332 00:18:57,685 --> 00:18:59,164 To be fair to myself, Stu, 333 00:18:59,245 --> 00:19:01,679 I had observed that people in offices wear suits, too. 334 00:19:02,445 --> 00:19:04,481 No, no. No, you hadn't, Gordon. 335 00:19:04,645 --> 00:19:06,363 You see, you can only say that after you've seen the play. 336 00:19:06,445 --> 00:19:09,278 If I'd asked you before the play, you know, what people wear in offices, 337 00:19:09,365 --> 00:19:11,276 you wouldn't have had a clue. 338 00:19:11,365 --> 00:19:13,003 I think I would have said suits. 339 00:19:13,085 --> 00:19:15,280 -No, you wouldn't, Gordon. -I think I would. 340 00:19:15,365 --> 00:19:18,402 -No, you wouldn't! -I would. I would! 341 00:19:18,805 --> 00:19:19,840 Hold up. Now, wait a minute. 342 00:19:19,925 --> 00:19:22,678 Look, that bloke came in after us and they're taking his order. 343 00:19:22,765 --> 00:19:24,084 What would you like, sir? 344 00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:26,680 Crikey, yes. 345 00:19:27,405 --> 00:19:28,884 Is something the matter, sir? 346 00:19:30,085 --> 00:19:32,963 Well, how many lavatories have you got here? 347 00:19:33,605 --> 00:19:35,084 Just one, sir. Over there. 348 00:19:35,525 --> 00:19:37,277 Yes, yes, I've tried that one. 349 00:19:37,645 --> 00:19:39,840 It's no good. No bloody good! 350 00:19:42,245 --> 00:19:45,043 You see, the cistern, it's too close to the wall. 351 00:19:45,125 --> 00:19:47,923 You can't get anything between the cistern and the wall. 352 00:19:48,605 --> 00:19:50,038 Oh, hell! 353 00:19:51,805 --> 00:19:53,363 Are you ready to order, sir? 354 00:19:53,445 --> 00:19:57,518 Order, yes. Well, to be perfectly honest, I'm not awfully hungry. 355 00:19:58,365 --> 00:20:00,196 Well, may I recommend the salad? 356 00:20:00,485 --> 00:20:03,682 Perhaps a smoked chicken salad? It makes a perfect light meal. 357 00:20:04,285 --> 00:20:06,799 Yes, well, yes, that sounds awfully good. Awfully good. 358 00:20:06,885 --> 00:20:10,275 Tell you what, though, instead of that I think I'll just have a glass of water. 359 00:20:11,205 --> 00:20:12,638 Just a glass of water, sir? 360 00:20:13,245 --> 00:20:14,837 Oh, Lord, no! No, make it a bottle! 361 00:20:16,165 --> 00:20:18,838 No. Tell you what, half a dozen bottles. Hmm? 362 00:20:18,925 --> 00:20:20,961 I mean, you only live once, don't you? 363 00:20:21,405 --> 00:20:22,394 Very good, sir. 364 00:20:23,365 --> 00:20:24,639 Oh, hell. 365 00:20:26,445 --> 00:20:30,643 ♫ Hold my legs up skyward 366 00:20:31,885 --> 00:20:36,197 ♫ For you to smell just as I would 367 00:20:37,565 --> 00:20:40,204 ♫ Leaves the carpet bare 368 00:20:40,925 --> 00:20:43,997 ♫ And never let our ears 369 00:20:44,565 --> 00:20:46,715 ♫ Be rotten 370 00:20:55,405 --> 00:20:57,999 ♫ Too late, too big 371 00:20:58,325 --> 00:21:01,442 ♫ Too wide, too comfy ♫ 372 00:21:06,445 --> 00:21:07,514 Good evening, sir. 373 00:21:07,605 --> 00:21:10,563 Good evening. I'd like to order some soup to start and… 374 00:21:10,645 --> 00:21:11,714 Wait a minute. 375 00:21:11,805 --> 00:21:13,318 -What? -Good Lord. 376 00:21:13,405 --> 00:21:16,317 You're Keith Bennett, aren't you? The government minister? 377 00:21:16,405 --> 00:21:19,875 -Well, as a matter of fact I am, yes. -I thought so! I knew it! 378 00:21:19,965 --> 00:21:23,002 Oh, Mr Bennett, this is wonderful. I have to say, I'm a great admirer 379 00:21:23,085 --> 00:21:24,518 -of you and your policies. -Really? 380 00:21:24,605 --> 00:21:27,438 Oh, for definite. Can I recommend the halibut, by the way? 381 00:21:27,525 --> 00:21:30,323 -It comes in a nice black butter sauce. -Thank you. 382 00:21:30,605 --> 00:21:34,393 Yeah, 'cause you steered that broadcasting bill through the House of Commons, didn't you? 383 00:21:34,485 --> 00:21:37,716 -Yes, I did, indeed. -Brilliant, quite brilliant. 384 00:21:37,805 --> 00:21:40,035 Well, I must say, this is really most gratifying. 385 00:21:40,685 --> 00:21:42,562 So, you really do admire my policies? 386 00:21:42,645 --> 00:21:44,795 Yeah, what, most people don't like you, then? 387 00:21:44,885 --> 00:21:47,683 No, no, no, it's just that… Well, you know what it is. 388 00:21:47,765 --> 00:21:50,677 We aren't always the most popular of people, we politicians. 389 00:21:50,765 --> 00:21:54,724 Yeah, yeah. You must get used to people calling you a complete dickhead, I suppose. 390 00:21:55,605 --> 00:21:57,163 No, not exactly. 391 00:21:57,765 --> 00:22:01,724 Oh, that speech you made about de-regularising broadcasting. 392 00:22:01,805 --> 00:22:04,478 I cheered for you that night, Mr Bennett. 393 00:22:05,325 --> 00:22:07,680 “We must strive to offer the consumer 394 00:22:07,765 --> 00:22:09,801 “a far greater range of choice. 395 00:22:09,885 --> 00:22:13,400 “For too long broadcasting has been in the grip of a small elite. 396 00:22:13,485 --> 00:22:16,557 “We must expand and offer more choice!” 397 00:22:16,925 --> 00:22:19,519 Good heavens. You've remembered it word for word. 398 00:22:19,605 --> 00:22:22,642 Well, it was masterly stuff, Mr Bennett. I mean… 399 00:22:23,125 --> 00:22:24,399 -Oh, my God. -What? 400 00:22:25,245 --> 00:22:26,917 -Your cutlery. -What's wrong? 401 00:22:27,005 --> 00:22:29,075 A silver knife and fork. I can't believe it. 402 00:22:29,165 --> 00:22:30,917 These are rather nice. They're not dirty, are they? 403 00:22:31,005 --> 00:22:33,075 Oh, my… That this should happen to you of all people. 404 00:22:33,165 --> 00:22:35,759 -I am so sorry. I'll be right back. -They were fine. 405 00:22:39,165 --> 00:22:40,280 Of course. 406 00:22:40,885 --> 00:22:42,159 Moulinex. 407 00:22:42,765 --> 00:22:44,437 -What? -All the way through, 408 00:22:44,525 --> 00:22:46,675 I was trying to think where I'd seen that actress before. 409 00:22:46,765 --> 00:22:49,677 -She's the one in the Moulinex advert. -Oh, that's right. 410 00:22:49,765 --> 00:22:51,642 -Yes, the one about the blender. -That's it. 411 00:22:51,725 --> 00:22:52,794 What, the wife? 412 00:22:53,845 --> 00:22:54,834 Sorry? 413 00:22:55,085 --> 00:22:57,280 The actress who played the wife is in some sort of advert 414 00:22:57,365 --> 00:22:58,354 at the moment, is she? 415 00:23:00,725 --> 00:23:02,716 Hello? Laura, wake up! 416 00:23:03,045 --> 00:23:06,879 The actress in the play who was playing the wife that we just saw tonight, 417 00:23:07,085 --> 00:23:08,677 you're saying she's in an advert at the moment? 418 00:23:09,085 --> 00:23:10,598 -The wife? -Yes. 419 00:23:11,245 --> 00:23:13,475 Actually, Stuart, she was playing his daughter. 420 00:23:15,725 --> 00:23:18,478 Hold on. I'm probably getting her confused with someone. Wait a minute. 421 00:23:20,245 --> 00:23:22,713 There was only one woman in the play, Stuart. 422 00:23:23,645 --> 00:23:25,442 And she was his daughter, poppet. 423 00:23:25,685 --> 00:23:28,245 That was sort of the idea of the entire evening, Stu. 424 00:23:30,845 --> 00:23:32,437 Yeah, daughter. 425 00:23:32,965 --> 00:23:35,115 -What did I say? -You said wife. 426 00:23:35,845 --> 00:23:38,234 -Did I? -Three times. 427 00:23:40,405 --> 00:23:43,556 This table is definitely smaller, you know. I mean, all those other ones… 428 00:23:43,645 --> 00:23:45,044 Gor blimey! 429 00:23:45,325 --> 00:23:47,122 Look, that man over there. 430 00:23:47,645 --> 00:23:48,839 He's in the government, isn't he? 431 00:23:48,925 --> 00:23:51,678 -Isn't he a cabinet minister or something? -It's Keith Bennett. 432 00:23:51,765 --> 00:23:54,484 Got it! Roy Hattersley, you're quite right, Gordon. 433 00:23:57,565 --> 00:23:59,442 I do apologise. 434 00:23:59,805 --> 00:24:01,841 Apologise for what? The fork and knife were fine. 435 00:24:01,925 --> 00:24:04,962 Oh, it's very kind of you, sir, but I absolutely insist. 436 00:24:05,045 --> 00:24:06,558 What… What… 437 00:24:06,645 --> 00:24:09,113 -What's this? -Your cutlery, sir. 438 00:24:09,325 --> 00:24:12,476 Cutlery? But these are plastic coffee stirrers. 439 00:24:12,565 --> 00:24:14,954 Yes, I know. But at least you've got the choice now, haven't you? 440 00:24:15,045 --> 00:24:18,276 I mean, they may be complete crap, but at least you've got the choice, haven't you? 441 00:24:18,365 --> 00:24:20,560 And that's so important, isn't it? To have a choice! 442 00:24:20,645 --> 00:24:22,795 You mad, disgusting bastard! 443 00:24:23,205 --> 00:24:26,515 What are you doing to our television system? What are you doing to our country? 444 00:24:26,605 --> 00:24:29,278 I'm gonna kill you, you bastard! 445 00:24:29,405 --> 00:24:32,636 That politician man's being strangled by a waiter. 446 00:24:32,725 --> 00:24:34,716 God, I hate you! I'm gonna kill you, you bastard! 447 00:24:34,805 --> 00:24:36,636 At least he's got a decent sized table. 448 00:24:37,405 --> 00:24:39,202 Anyway, to return to the play, 449 00:24:39,285 --> 00:24:42,004 I have to say that although the acting was really good… 450 00:24:42,085 --> 00:24:43,962 -Marvellous acting. -Yeah. 451 00:24:44,045 --> 00:24:47,321 I do think the play would have been benefited from having a Paul Eddington in it. 452 00:24:47,405 --> 00:24:50,442 -A Paul Eddington? -Well, ideally the Paul Eddington. 453 00:24:50,525 --> 00:24:51,799 Isn't he wonderful? 454 00:24:51,885 --> 00:24:54,843 Yeah, well, you see the thing about Paul Eddington, of course, is his timing. 455 00:24:55,445 --> 00:24:59,040 -His timing is just so… -Well, it's the timing of a master. 456 00:24:59,125 --> 00:25:01,719 A friend of mine's sister married Paul Eddington's doctor. 457 00:25:02,285 --> 00:25:05,402 -You never told me that, Gordon. -Well, you know, one doesn't like to boast. 458 00:25:05,485 --> 00:25:07,077 Though, apparently… 459 00:25:07,165 --> 00:25:09,315 apparently, it's well known 460 00:25:09,405 --> 00:25:12,715 that Paul Eddington has the second best timing in the business 461 00:25:12,805 --> 00:25:14,158 after Nigel Havers. 462 00:25:16,445 --> 00:25:19,243 What is timing, exactly? 463 00:25:19,325 --> 00:25:23,398 Well, timing, it's… It's a bit difficult to explain to a woman, Jill, 464 00:25:23,485 --> 00:25:30,357 but timing is basically the magic ingredient that Paul Eddington's got. 465 00:25:30,445 --> 00:25:31,673 Well, what is it? 466 00:25:31,765 --> 00:25:34,074 Yes, I'd like to know that, too, I must say. 467 00:25:36,685 --> 00:25:38,641 I know your doctor's brother-in-law. 468 00:25:41,765 --> 00:25:42,754 How nice. 469 00:25:43,565 --> 00:25:47,240 Yes, well, we were just explaining to our wives 470 00:25:47,325 --> 00:25:50,123 that, well, you've got amongst the best timing in show business. 471 00:25:50,205 --> 00:25:52,036 Ah, well. After Nigel Havers. 472 00:25:52,725 --> 00:25:54,078 Yes. Come on, level with us, Paul, 473 00:25:54,165 --> 00:25:56,759 would you class your timing as good, 474 00:25:56,845 --> 00:26:00,758 very good, extremely good, or immaculate? 475 00:26:01,925 --> 00:26:02,914 Well… 476 00:26:06,765 --> 00:26:09,199 Hello, look, excuse me, everyone. 477 00:26:10,125 --> 00:26:12,923 Sorry to bother you and all that sort of filth. 478 00:26:13,885 --> 00:26:16,319 But… Oh, nearly forgot. Long live freedom. 479 00:26:17,045 --> 00:26:20,560 No, the thing is, there's a bomb. 480 00:26:21,925 --> 00:26:23,802 Yeah, I know. Rotten, isn't it? 481 00:26:24,725 --> 00:26:27,797 No, the thing is, it is about to go off, so… 482 00:26:27,885 --> 00:26:29,637 I don't know, you might like to leave. 483 00:26:31,765 --> 00:26:33,403 -That's right. This way. Yes. -Yes, yes. 484 00:26:33,485 --> 00:26:35,953 This way. This way. This way, please. 485 00:26:36,045 --> 00:26:37,797 Oh, crikey, my bill. 486 00:26:51,325 --> 00:26:52,758 You know, I think they like me. 487 00:27:06,565 --> 00:27:08,760 Now, ladies and gentlemen, now that… Ah, now, yes. 488 00:27:08,845 --> 00:27:11,803 I wonder if you recognise that from Where Eagles Dare. 489 00:27:11,885 --> 00:27:15,161 There's a scene in Where Eagles Dare where, ha, 490 00:27:15,605 --> 00:27:19,883 where Richard Burton is pretending to be a German agent. 491 00:27:20,045 --> 00:27:22,764 When, in actual fact, what he's doing is, he's trying to find out 492 00:27:22,845 --> 00:27:25,439 the names of all the German agents working in England. 493 00:27:25,525 --> 00:27:29,564 And the funny thing is, you see, that happened to me the other day. 494 00:27:30,925 --> 00:27:32,074 -It did? -Yes, it did. Yes. 495 00:27:32,165 --> 00:27:35,282 It's funny 'cause things from films are always happening to me. There was… 496 00:27:35,525 --> 00:27:37,436 Do you know the scene in WarGames 497 00:27:37,525 --> 00:27:42,883 where the scientist calls the Air Force general a pig-eyed sack of shit? 498 00:27:44,085 --> 00:27:46,474 That happened to me. Someone called me that the other day. 499 00:27:46,565 --> 00:27:49,204 And Fatal Attraction. 500 00:27:50,325 --> 00:27:53,362 I almost sued when that came out. I mean, that could have been made about me! 501 00:27:53,445 --> 00:27:54,514 It's incredible. 502 00:27:54,605 --> 00:27:57,073 You were persecuted by a one-night stand, were you? 503 00:27:57,165 --> 00:27:59,838 No, no, no. Don't be silly. No. 504 00:27:59,925 --> 00:28:01,517 I went to bed with Glenn Close, though. 505 00:28:03,165 --> 00:28:05,599 -That's ridiculous. -Yes, it is ridiculous, yes. 506 00:28:06,325 --> 00:28:07,599 Went to bed with Michael Douglas. 507 00:28:08,485 --> 00:28:11,124 -You went to bed with Michael Douglas? -Well, in a sense. 508 00:28:11,205 --> 00:28:12,194 In what sense? 509 00:28:13,005 --> 00:28:14,882 Completely made-up, untrue sense. 510 00:28:15,885 --> 00:28:18,604 Yes. Well, I've been to bed with Michael Douglas in that sense. 511 00:28:18,685 --> 00:28:21,119 -Really? -Well, nibbled his toes. 512 00:28:22,165 --> 00:28:23,200 What was it like? 513 00:28:23,285 --> 00:28:25,674 -Great. He was very sensitive and caring. -Really? 514 00:28:25,765 --> 00:28:28,404 But I will tell you, ladies and gentlemen, a really true thing 515 00:28:28,485 --> 00:28:30,999 that actually did happen to me, and this is rather interesting. 516 00:28:31,085 --> 00:28:35,044 I was sprawled in bed with Kathleen Turner and David Vine, 517 00:28:35,845 --> 00:28:38,359 when suddenly, the most remarkable thing happened… 518 00:28:38,445 --> 00:28:40,959 Immaculate, I'd say.