1
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Hello.

2
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-Hello, and welcome to A Bit of Fry and Laurie.
-Hello.

3
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Ladies and gentlemen,
because Hugh and I are known for our anger,

4
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our satirical rage at the human condition,
for want of a better cliché,

5
00:01:04,980 --> 00:01:08,939
er, we often get accused
of lacking a sense of proportion.

6
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Here's a letter that we received
that I'd like to read out to you, if I may.

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“Dear Fry and Laurie,

8
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“It's very easy to knock,
to rage, to snarl and to satirise.

9
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“It's oh so simple, for instance,
to knock Mrs Thatcher, isn't it?

10
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“But what are you suggesting should
go in the place of the institutions and people

11
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“you so viciously decry?”

12
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Well, of course, he's absolutely right.

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It is ludicrously easy to knock Mrs Thatcher,
isn't it?

14
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It's the simplest, easiest
and most obvious thing in the world

15
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to remark that she's a shameful, putrid scab,
an embarrassing, ludicrous monstrosity,

16
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who makes one frankly ashamed to be British,

17
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and that her ideas and standards are a stain
on our national history.

18
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That's easy. Anyone can see that.

19
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Nothing difficult about that.
But after tonight,

20
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no one can ever accuse us again of failing
to come up with something to take her place.

21
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Hugh.

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So that's… that's our constructive suggestion,
and I hope that's silenced some of our critics.

23
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Now, anyway,
on with the blind, unreasoning rage.

24
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Yes, well, exactly. Here we go.
I've written a savage, savage, angry song

25
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about jars that get separated from their lids.

26
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Um… I'm not really sure, Hugh,
that that sort of qualifies as satire.

27
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Well, you wait till you've heard it.
There's plenty of anger in there,
I can tell you.

28
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All right.

29
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Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

30
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♫ Where is the lid?

31
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♫ Where is the lid?

32
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♫ Where is the, where is the

33
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♫ Where is the, where is the lid?

34
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♫ Where is the lid?

35
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♫ Where is the lid?

36
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♫ Where is the, where is the

37
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♫ Where is the, where is the, where is the,
where is the lid?

38
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Um, it's here, Hugh.

39
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♫ Does anyone know?

40
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Yes, I do.

41
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♫ Does anyone know?

42
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I think everybody knows now.

43
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♫ Does anyone know

44
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Hugh?

45
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♫ Where is the lid?

46
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The lid is right here.
It was behind the sofa, really.

47
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♫ Where is the lid?

48
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Hugh!

49
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♫ Where is the lid?

50
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I'm putting the lid onto the jar.

51
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♫ Where is the

52
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♫ Where is the, where is the, where is the

53
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It's on the… Hugh!

54
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♫ Where is the lid?

55
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♫ Oh, where?

56
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Hugh, there…

57
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♫ Oh, where…♫

58
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We are devoting the rest of tonight's programme
to a tribute

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to the writer, comedian and light-sketch actor,

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Hugh “Excellent sermon, Vicar” Laurie,

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who died suddenly today
after a merciful accident

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that released him
from years of painful mental illness.

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Hugh Laurie, whose real name was Hugh Laurie,
was better known by his stage name,

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Hugh Laurie.

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Hugh was born and brought up
in a working-class home

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that his parents had specially built
in the grounds of their Gloucestershire estate.

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Like many shy children, Hugh learned
from a very early age simply to blend in.

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There's a picture of Hugh
in High Wycombe in 1964.

69
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Hugh's first acting job came in 1979

70
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at the Hereford Civic Centre, since renamed,
in Hugh's honour,

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the Hereford Civic and Amenities Centre.

72
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He brought a certain quality
to all the roles he played.

73
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And it was really a quality of…

74
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a quality of needing

75
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the money, really.

76
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He was an immensely dangerous man.
A very dangerous actor.

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You know, whenever he was around
there was always this feeling of “ooh”.

78
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Anything could happen.

79
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Hugh Laurie, on the other hand,
was one of the dullest men I've ever met.

80
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So, Stephen Fry, um, you probably knew
Hugh Laurie better than he knew himself.

81
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What's your fondest memory
of working with him?

82
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The moment I knew he was really dead
would be very hard to beat.

83
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So, anyway, on with A Bit of Fry and Laurie.

84
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-Deceased.
-Sorry, A Bit of Fry and Laurie.

85
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Good morning, I hope you can help me.
I've tried everywhere.

86
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Do you have a copy of
Fly Fishing by JR Hartley?

87
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I knew it, I knew it.

88
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-Didn't I say to you this morning?
-Yeah.

89
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Yesterday, we had a shop full of them.

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-Crates full.
-Yeah, we were up to here with Fly Fishing.

91
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-Yeah.
-Yeah, but now…

92
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Voom!

93
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That shows the power of advertising, I suppose.

94
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-Yeah, yeah.
-I suppose it does, I suppose it does.

95
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I'll tell you what we have got, though.
We've got 30,000 copies of the Yellow Pages.

96
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-Can't shift 'em.
-Yellow Pages? Oh, can I order one?

97
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-Well, we've got them here.
-Yes, but I have to order it, you see.

98
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-Well, yeah, you can order one, if you like, yeah.
-Ah, splendid. May I use your phone?

99
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-What?
-I have to order it over the phone, you see.

100
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Help yourself.

101
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Hello?

102
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Hello.

103
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-Good morning.
-Good morning.

104
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Do you have a copy of Yellow Pages?

105
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-Yes.
-You do? Splendid.

106
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My name?

107
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-I didn't ask him his name, did you?
-No.

108
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Yes, it's Pages. LO Pages.

109
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Good old LO Pages.

110
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Rupert Murdoch would sell his own mother
for 50 quid.

111
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I offered him 40 but he said,
“No, 50. Take it or leave it.”

112
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So in a sense, in a sense, in a sense, Duncan,

113
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we are left with those two. Er, two.

114
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None other, nary another, not one other more.

115
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Er, we have on the one side of the gulf,
the chasm, the dividing line, if you please,

116
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we have the beauty of ideas,

117
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and on the other, I don't know, the other
term of the equation, if that's nicer,

118
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we have the idea of beauty.
Am I sensing through? Am I connecting?

119
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We're busy discussing the idea of beauty,
and the beauty of ideas.

120
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Hold the thought, Geoffrey, would you?
I'm going to give you a thought.

121
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I'd like you to hold it for me.
Would you do that for me, please?

122
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I'm going to hold a thought now.

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If beauty is only an idea, a form,
a pattern, a template, a paradigm, an ideal,

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an idea, if you like, with an “L”,

125
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then what is the beautiful?

126
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Beauty is unattainable,
but the beautiful surrounds us.

127
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Er, we return to language, Philip.
We make a return to language.

128
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That's the idea I'd like you to hold for me,
if you'd be ever so splendid.

129
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All right, well,
we've made a return to language.

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Listen to me. Listen to me, lovelet.

131
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Language circumscribes beauty.

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Confirms, confines, limbs and delineates.
It colours and contains.

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Yet language is only a tool,

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a tool that we use to dig up
the beauty that surrounds us,

135
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and is, we take, our only and absolute real.

136
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I'm in trouble now.

137
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Hush, tish, vibble.

138
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I'm speaking ahead.
Let me explain, expound, expand and exposit.

139
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-Would you?
-I find you beautiful, but you are not beauty.

140
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Whoops.

141
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Therefore, you contain a property of beauty.

142
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Therefore, the substance of which
you exhibit a property must exist. Where is it?

143
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That is language's task.

144
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Who was it who said

145
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“my language is the universal whore
that I must make into a virgin”?

146
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Who was it?

147
00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:35,894
Kate Adie?

148
00:09:37,500 --> 00:09:40,094
I think… I think it was Karl Kraus.

149
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But it needn't have been. It needn't have been.
Now, tell me, tell me.

150
00:09:43,140 --> 00:09:47,292
It's time to ask you to give back to me
the thought that I bade you hold.

151
00:09:47,380 --> 00:09:51,214
Um, I was holding the thought
that we've made a return to language.

152
00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:54,531
Correctly correctington.
Language pursues beauty,

153
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harries it, hounds it,
courses it across the rough lands of enquiry,

154
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and in so doing, can itself be beautiful.

155
00:10:02,220 --> 00:10:04,211
Ripple on ripple, image on image.

156
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Wheel within a wheel like the circles
that we find in the windmills of our mind.

157
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-Noel Harrison.
-Noel, as you so rightly, Harrison.

158
00:10:12,620 --> 00:10:14,338
Now, language can be beautiful.

159
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“And Madeline asleep in lap of legends old”,

160
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plenitude, dishes, martita, breasts,
tumble, emolument, forage,

161
00:10:22,260 --> 00:10:24,535
smitten, plenum, vulva.

162
00:10:24,620 --> 00:10:27,692
Words that have their own sonority and beauty,

163
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which is extrinsic, extrinsic to their
connotation or denotational referends.

164
00:10:33,780 --> 00:10:36,135
I think he said vulva.

165
00:10:36,740 --> 00:10:41,416
So, Timothy, I'll leave you
with a thought, a breath,

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the fruit, the drops
from the bowels of my imaginings.

167
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Think beauty but be beautiful.

168
00:10:46,940 --> 00:10:51,377
Say beauty, but say it beautifully.
Beauty is duty and duty, beauty. So there.

169
00:10:51,460 --> 00:10:53,974
Good night, I don't feel quite so well now.

170
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,651
I don't think they ever
will invent a time machine,

171
00:11:02,740 --> 00:11:07,052
because if they had done so in the future,
they would've got in it straightaway

172
00:11:07,140 --> 00:11:09,938
and come back and made sure
that Esther Rantzen had never been born.

173
00:11:10,020 --> 00:11:12,375
But she has been,
so they can't have done, can they?

174
00:11:12,460 --> 00:11:14,132
Anarchy!
Anarchy!

175
00:11:14,220 --> 00:11:16,131
-Anarchy!
-Anarchy!

176
00:11:16,220 --> 00:11:19,292
-We believe in anarchy!
-We believe in anarchy!

177
00:11:19,380 --> 00:11:22,213
-God is dead!
-God is dead!

178
00:11:22,300 --> 00:11:25,736
-We don't believe in God!
-We don't believe in God!

179
00:11:25,820 --> 00:11:29,256
-Long live the god of anarchy!
-Long live the god of anarchy!

180
00:11:29,340 --> 00:11:32,696
-Who we don't believe in.
-No.

181
00:11:33,380 --> 00:11:35,814
In fact, we don't believe in anarchy!

182
00:11:35,900 --> 00:11:38,289
-Down with anarchy!
-Down with anarchy!

183
00:11:38,380 --> 00:11:40,769
We don't believe in anarchy!

184
00:11:40,860 --> 00:11:45,172
-So we're sorry to have bothered you.
-Sorry to have bothered you.

185
00:11:45,260 --> 00:11:47,376
-Bye.
-Bye.

186
00:11:52,100 --> 00:11:56,093
Damn it, John, it's biological leakage.
What can I tell you?

187
00:11:58,980 --> 00:12:02,450
Biological leakage?
What the hell is that supposed to mean?

188
00:12:02,540 --> 00:12:06,294
It means that our UK customer base
is being eroded.

189
00:12:07,180 --> 00:12:10,650
Peter, I'm not blaming you,
but you've got to look at it my way.

190
00:12:10,740 --> 00:12:13,652
In 90 minutes, I've got to go
before the Archbishop

191
00:12:13,740 --> 00:12:16,732
with a presentation on targets
for expanding our user base,

192
00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:19,618
-and you're giving me a set of figures…
-Ballpark.

193
00:12:19,700 --> 00:12:21,133
Ballpark, no matter.

194
00:12:21,220 --> 00:12:25,577
The Archbishop is gonna want to know
how project Christcom is panning out.

195
00:12:26,180 --> 00:12:29,172
You are not giving me the real numbers I need.

196
00:12:29,260 --> 00:12:33,378
John, give me 24 hours,
maybe I can cook something up,

197
00:12:33,460 --> 00:12:38,932
-a pie chart…
-24 hours and a pie chart in a dog's arse, Peter.

198
00:12:39,020 --> 00:12:43,059
Peter, remind me what the hell it says
above your parking space.

199
00:12:43,580 --> 00:12:46,219
-John, I don't understand…
-Answer me, damn it.

200
00:12:46,820 --> 00:12:50,290
-“Maximum height two metres.”
-Next to that.

201
00:12:51,820 --> 00:12:56,974
“Space reserved for Peter Sherman,
Executive Vice Bishop of Uttoxeter.”

202
00:12:57,580 --> 00:12:59,935
Thank you. Thank you, Peter.

203
00:13:00,020 --> 00:13:03,649
Because when I asked you to join me as my EVB,

204
00:13:03,740 --> 00:13:07,494
I didn't want just a set of pie charts,
I wanted results.

205
00:13:08,300 --> 00:13:12,088
Okay, John, maybe it's time
for some straight talking.

206
00:13:12,180 --> 00:13:15,297
No, no, no, no, Peter.
Yesterday was time for straight talking.

207
00:13:15,380 --> 00:13:18,178
Today is time for plain speaking.

208
00:13:18,260 --> 00:13:22,538
Well, John, just give me the ball for a second.
Let me run with it, will you?

209
00:13:22,620 --> 00:13:26,818
Okay, Peter, I guess you've earned it.
The field is yours,
you're clear to the touchline, go.

210
00:13:26,900 --> 00:13:30,609
Okay, John. As I see it,
you and I were given a brief

211
00:13:31,180 --> 00:13:35,776
to set out the concept of front-end
accessibility with volume targeting.

212
00:13:35,860 --> 00:13:39,296
Tell me something I don't know, Peter.

213
00:13:40,220 --> 00:13:42,688
My geography teacher's middle name was Louis.

214
00:13:43,700 --> 00:13:45,053
Carry on.

215
00:13:45,140 --> 00:13:48,416
Now, at no stage…
You can pick me up on this if I'm out of line.

216
00:13:48,500 --> 00:13:52,288
At no stage did God ever specify
the exact corporate structure

217
00:13:52,380 --> 00:13:55,770
within which we were to carry out
this brief or remit.

218
00:13:55,860 --> 00:13:59,330
-When did you last speak with God?
-Last night, John.

219
00:13:59,460 --> 00:14:00,495
With a bit of luck…

220
00:14:01,740 --> 00:14:03,890
Wait a minute, it's a fax now.

221
00:14:05,420 --> 00:14:07,934
Yep, John, it's from God, all right.
Listen to this.

222
00:14:09,100 --> 00:14:11,568
“Re: your prayer of last night,

223
00:14:12,580 --> 00:14:14,969
“unable to anything about Anneka Rice.”

224
00:14:16,140 --> 00:14:19,928
Ah, but…“Suggest you proceed as planned

225
00:14:20,020 --> 00:14:22,454
“regarding merger with Rome Corp.”

226
00:14:22,540 --> 00:14:26,169
Merger with Rome Corp?
I haven't heard anything about this.

227
00:14:26,260 --> 00:14:29,093
It's an idea that
the Archbishop's been nursing.

228
00:14:29,180 --> 00:14:33,253
But merger? You don't merge
with a multinational like Rome Corp.

229
00:14:33,340 --> 00:14:37,970
You get taken over. You get eaten whole
for breakfast and crapped out before lunch.

230
00:14:38,060 --> 00:14:42,338
Tell me, Peter, maybe it's time to start
thinking management buyout.

231
00:14:42,420 --> 00:14:45,378
That's it, John.
That's exactly what I'm saying.

232
00:14:45,460 --> 00:14:49,738
Between us, you and me can put together
the kind of package that could
cut out Lambeth altogether.

233
00:14:49,820 --> 00:14:52,971
-Deal direct with Rome, you mean?
-Why the hell not?

234
00:14:53,820 --> 00:14:55,890
I like it. I like it a lot, Peter.

235
00:14:55,980 --> 00:14:59,017
But maybe…
maybe you've reckoned without one thing.

236
00:14:59,420 --> 00:15:03,777
Well, John, I don't claim to be infallible.
If I've missed a trick…

237
00:15:04,300 --> 00:15:05,528
Marjorie.

238
00:15:07,460 --> 00:15:11,055
Marjorie?
How the hell does Marjorie fit into this?

239
00:15:11,140 --> 00:15:12,778
Lengthways, Peter.

240
00:15:12,860 --> 00:15:17,775
Marjorie has got the United Episcopal Church
eating out of her goddamn portfolio.

241
00:15:18,260 --> 00:15:21,855
Damn it, John.
To think that you loved that woman once.

242
00:15:21,940 --> 00:15:23,134
I know.

243
00:15:23,220 --> 00:15:28,135
But Peter, I guess maybe love and hate
are just the same sides of a different coin.

244
00:15:28,700 --> 00:15:32,056
A coin that I spent years ago.

245
00:15:34,420 --> 00:15:37,617
-Did that make any sense, John?
-No.

246
00:15:37,700 --> 00:15:41,409
-But does it matter?
-Oh, yes, yes, it matters like hell, John.

247
00:15:41,500 --> 00:15:43,855
Because listen to me. If we keep our heads,

248
00:15:43,940 --> 00:15:46,693
if we stick together on this one,
you know, we can beat Marjorie.

249
00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:49,453
-Maybe. Maybe you're right.
-But this time, John,

250
00:15:49,540 --> 00:15:51,610
-we do it by the book.
-Check.

251
00:15:53,740 --> 00:15:55,219
Let us pray.

252
00:15:58,180 --> 00:16:00,694
Oh, Lord, you've seen the figures.

253
00:16:01,820 --> 00:16:05,779
Show us a way to streamline
some kind of management structure

254
00:16:05,860 --> 00:16:11,173
which will enable 4-5% growth
during the next financial twelvemonth.

255
00:16:11,260 --> 00:16:12,579
-Amen.
-Amen.

256
00:16:12,660 --> 00:16:14,696
-No, John. John.
-Oh, yeah.

257
00:16:15,220 --> 00:16:16,972
Oh, and Lord,

258
00:16:17,660 --> 00:16:22,575
show us some way that we can beat
seven types of corporate crap out of Marjorie.

259
00:16:22,660 --> 00:16:24,890
Damn!

260
00:16:27,700 --> 00:16:31,375
There are some very exciting chardonnays
coming out of New Zealand at the moment.

261
00:16:40,220 --> 00:16:41,539
That is delicious.

262
00:16:47,060 --> 00:16:50,177
First one was dog, the second one was cat.

263
00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:52,730
No? Oh, both cat?

264
00:16:59,300 --> 00:17:00,574
Mm-hm.

265
00:17:06,780 --> 00:17:09,931
Ah, no, it's a trick. They're both red.

266
00:17:10,740 --> 00:17:12,731
Yeah? Let's have a look.

267
00:17:16,260 --> 00:17:17,329
Oh.

268
00:17:18,540 --> 00:17:22,169
That's… Oh, that's very good. That's very good.

269
00:17:22,260 --> 00:17:24,171
That's quite funny. Um…

270
00:17:24,620 --> 00:17:27,737
You won't show this, will you?
'Cause I'm a wine merchant,

271
00:17:27,820 --> 00:17:30,015
and I'll get terrible stick at work.

272
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:34,854
My first kiss.

273
00:17:34,940 --> 00:17:38,376
I suppose everyone can remember
their first kiss.
Nothing quite lives up to it, does it?

274
00:17:38,460 --> 00:17:41,975
Um, I was, I think, 11 years old,

275
00:17:42,060 --> 00:17:46,019
and my great-uncle had come to stay
for a few weeks

276
00:17:47,660 --> 00:17:49,378
while on parole.

277
00:17:50,660 --> 00:17:54,539
And we used to play this game,
where I would sit on his lap

278
00:17:54,620 --> 00:17:57,339
and he would pretend to be a train.

279
00:17:57,420 --> 00:17:59,695
Hugh, Hugh, what are you saying?

280
00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:03,578
Well, I was just telling the ladies and
gentlemen about my first kiss.

281
00:18:03,660 --> 00:18:05,298
Yes, but Hugh, this is a delicate area,

282
00:18:05,380 --> 00:18:07,530
-I really don't think…
-No, no, it's all right, don't worry.

283
00:18:07,620 --> 00:18:09,975
-You sure?
-Yeah, it's fine, honestly.

284
00:18:10,060 --> 00:18:11,095
All right.

285
00:18:12,620 --> 00:18:16,693
So my surprise at suddenly feeling a tongue…

286
00:18:17,140 --> 00:18:19,495
Hugh, Hugh, Hugh.

287
00:18:20,780 --> 00:18:25,695
There are valid arenas and there are
valid arenas, and this is not one of them.

288
00:18:25,900 --> 00:18:27,970
No, no,
I want this experience to be understood.

289
00:18:28,060 --> 00:18:31,018
You know, because it may help others
to know that they're not the only ones

290
00:18:31,100 --> 00:18:33,978
-to have felt that wet…
-Hugh, Hugh.

291
00:18:34,060 --> 00:18:36,449
Hugh, this is a whole can of worms
you're opening here,

292
00:18:36,540 --> 00:18:38,610
and believe me, if there is one taboo left,

293
00:18:38,700 --> 00:18:41,817
one unmentionable subject
not fit for comic treatment,

294
00:18:41,900 --> 00:18:43,731
then you've just mentioned it.

295
00:18:43,820 --> 00:18:46,493
Well, but surely there's…
I mean, there's nothing so odd about it,
is there?

296
00:18:46,580 --> 00:18:50,414
I mean, there I was, sitting on my
great-uncle's lap and in came Lucy.

297
00:18:51,940 --> 00:18:53,692
-Lucy?
-Yes, Lucy.

298
00:18:54,380 --> 00:18:55,972
And how old was Lucy?

299
00:18:57,460 --> 00:19:00,020
Well, the same age as me, I think.
No, 12. She was 12.

300
00:19:00,100 --> 00:19:01,419
And I kissed her.

301
00:19:01,500 --> 00:19:02,853
-You kissed her?
-Yes.

302
00:19:03,380 --> 00:19:05,098
You've done this deliberately, haven't you?

303
00:19:05,700 --> 00:19:08,134
-Done what?
-You've set it up to make it look as if…

304
00:19:08,220 --> 00:19:11,132
-As if what?
-Oh, never mind, just get on with it.

305
00:19:12,460 --> 00:19:14,769
All right, so I kissed Lucy,

306
00:19:14,860 --> 00:19:18,330
and was very surprised
to feel her tongue pop out.

307
00:19:19,580 --> 00:19:22,140
It was my first real snog,

308
00:19:22,500 --> 00:19:24,855
and I loved it. I fell in love instantly.

309
00:19:24,940 --> 00:19:27,408
Um, sadly, the very next year,

310
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:30,697
Lucy developed distemper
and had to be put down.

311
00:19:33,700 --> 00:19:35,133
Toch!

312
00:19:47,620 --> 00:19:49,531
At least, I think that's what he said.

313
00:19:50,980 --> 00:19:54,768
I bumped into this
old school friend the other day.

314
00:19:55,260 --> 00:19:58,411
He was on a Yamaha 750.
It was a terrible mess.

315
00:20:00,420 --> 00:20:03,218
Well, you'd think…
Oh, Christ, I've left the iron on.

316
00:20:11,700 --> 00:20:15,773
Good evening and welcome to
Trying To Borrow A Fiver Off.

317
00:20:17,140 --> 00:20:20,894
Tonight, I shall be trying
to borrow a fiver off

318
00:20:20,980 --> 00:20:23,619
the conductor of the
Newbury Philharmonic Orchestra,

319
00:20:23,700 --> 00:20:27,932
-Neville Anderson. Good evening, Neville.
-Oh, for goodness sake, call me Neville.

320
00:20:28,740 --> 00:20:31,573
Well, if you insist. Uh, now, Neville, uh,

321
00:20:31,660 --> 00:20:34,458
could I possibly borrow a fiver off you
till Wednesday?

322
00:20:34,540 --> 00:20:38,499
Uh, let's see. Oh, I'm terribly sorry,
I've got nothing smaller than a 20.

323
00:20:38,980 --> 00:20:40,208
Bye-bye.

324
00:20:47,460 --> 00:20:48,859
Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

325
00:20:50,580 --> 00:20:52,059
Hello, Control.

326
00:20:52,540 --> 00:20:54,531
Oh, Tony, it's you.

327
00:20:54,620 --> 00:20:59,250
Yes, I understand from Valerie
that you wanted reasonably strongly to see me.

328
00:20:59,700 --> 00:21:03,932
Well, Valerie was by no means
leading you astray, Tony,

329
00:21:04,020 --> 00:21:06,375
because I do want to see you.

330
00:21:07,140 --> 00:21:10,177
I find that Valerie is usually right
in these little matters.

331
00:21:10,460 --> 00:21:11,734
That's true.

332
00:21:14,380 --> 00:21:15,779
Control,

333
00:21:16,340 --> 00:21:21,050
did you, I wonder, want to talk to me as well,
or was it just seeing me that was on your mind?

334
00:21:22,540 --> 00:21:25,850
No, Tony, there was something
I wanted to ask you,

335
00:21:25,940 --> 00:21:28,010
but it's a bit tricky.

336
00:21:28,420 --> 00:21:30,456
-Tricky?
-Yes. Tricky.

337
00:21:31,540 --> 00:21:33,292
Have you, Tony, I wonder,

338
00:21:33,420 --> 00:21:35,888
ever been in the position where you've had

339
00:21:36,220 --> 00:21:39,417
to say to someone that you like rather a lot

340
00:21:40,020 --> 00:21:42,773
that you're going to have to fire them
from their job?

341
00:21:44,860 --> 00:21:45,975
No.

342
00:21:46,660 --> 00:21:47,649
Ah.

343
00:21:48,220 --> 00:21:51,576
There. That didn't turn out to be too tricky
a thing to ask me, did it?

344
00:21:52,580 --> 00:21:56,255
No. But the thing is I haven't quite got
to the tricky part, Tony.

345
00:21:56,340 --> 00:22:00,379
Ah. Would it be the kind of thing that would go
better with a good cup of coffee, Control?

346
00:22:00,460 --> 00:22:01,939
Well, that's very kind of you, Tony,

347
00:22:02,020 --> 00:22:05,456
but I wouldn't want to be thought of
as hiding behind that cup of coffee.

348
00:22:06,060 --> 00:22:07,971
Well, that's just as well, Control,

349
00:22:08,060 --> 00:22:10,813
because the cup of coffee I had in mind
was going to be quite small.

350
00:22:12,980 --> 00:22:15,733
Yes. Tony, have you, I wonder, in your position

351
00:22:15,820 --> 00:22:20,530
as Subsection Chief of the East Germany
and Related Satellites desk,

352
00:22:20,660 --> 00:22:25,176
noticed the way the wind has been blowing
behind the Iron Curtain of late?

353
00:22:25,780 --> 00:22:28,578
It's been blowing in odd kinds of ways,
hasn't it, Control?

354
00:22:28,660 --> 00:22:30,218
Yes, Tony, it has.

355
00:22:30,300 --> 00:22:33,770
Glasnost, perestroika and related phenomena

356
00:22:33,860 --> 00:22:37,978
have had their effect on the political map
of Europe in no uncertain terms.

357
00:22:38,060 --> 00:22:39,049
Yes.

358
00:22:39,140 --> 00:22:42,257
Only this morning I had to ask Valerie
if she wouldn't mind popping out

359
00:22:42,340 --> 00:22:44,695
and buying us some
new political maps of Europe.

360
00:22:44,780 --> 00:22:46,850
'Cause ours are really quite out of date.

361
00:22:47,140 --> 00:22:49,813
Yes. It's shaken up all our lives, it's true.

362
00:22:49,900 --> 00:22:51,492
Yes, Control, it has.

363
00:22:52,380 --> 00:22:54,371
And it also means, Tony,

364
00:22:54,460 --> 00:22:57,657
that our masters in Whitehall
have started to wonder

365
00:22:57,740 --> 00:23:01,130
whether they need quite so many people
involved in spying.

366
00:23:02,180 --> 00:23:04,489
I'm not sure I fully understand, Control.

367
00:23:04,620 --> 00:23:07,009
Well, Tony, they take the view

368
00:23:07,100 --> 00:23:11,491
that what with the Russians
ringing us up every day and
simply telling us all their secrets,

369
00:23:11,580 --> 00:23:15,778
we don't need to spend quite so much money
on finding them out.

370
00:23:15,860 --> 00:23:20,297
That's an astute piece of political thinking
by our masters in Whitehall, isn't it, Control?

371
00:23:20,380 --> 00:23:21,938
Yes, Tony, it is.

372
00:23:22,020 --> 00:23:26,298
-How about that coffee now?
-No, Tony. Not quite yet, thank you.

373
00:23:26,660 --> 00:23:30,619
What this has all been leading up to,
if you haven't already guessed, Tony,

374
00:23:30,700 --> 00:23:34,215
is that I'm going to have to
fire you from your job.

375
00:23:38,540 --> 00:23:42,055
Control, I'm slightly at a loss for words.

376
00:23:42,700 --> 00:23:46,170
Believe me when I tell you, Tony,
that this isn't easy for me at all.

377
00:23:46,500 --> 00:23:49,298
In fact, it's one of the hardest things
I've ever had to do

378
00:23:49,380 --> 00:23:51,814
in all my years as Head of the Secret Service.

379
00:23:52,380 --> 00:23:55,213
I certainly don't envy you
having to pass on a bit of news

380
00:23:55,300 --> 00:23:57,370
like the one you've just passed on to me.

381
00:23:57,780 --> 00:24:00,089
That's very understanding of you, Tony.

382
00:24:00,500 --> 00:24:03,412
Well, Control, I suppose that's that, then.

383
00:24:03,500 --> 00:24:05,491
Yes, Tony, it is.

384
00:24:05,740 --> 00:24:10,336
Well, Control,
may I take this opportunity of saying
how much I've enjoyed working for you,

385
00:24:10,420 --> 00:24:13,492
and wish you the best of luck
in all your future spying?

386
00:24:13,580 --> 00:24:18,700
Thank you, Tony. And I can tell you that
this place just won't be the same without you.

387
00:24:18,980 --> 00:24:21,699
No, I suppose it'll be quite different,
won't it, Control?

388
00:24:21,780 --> 00:24:23,611
Because I won't be here.

389
00:24:24,420 --> 00:24:25,535
Yes.

390
00:24:26,020 --> 00:24:28,932
-I'll be somewhere else.
-That's right.

391
00:24:30,540 --> 00:24:32,895
Well, goodbye, Control.

392
00:24:33,460 --> 00:24:35,257
Goodbye, Tony Murchison.

393
00:24:49,540 --> 00:24:50,768
Valerie,

394
00:24:51,460 --> 00:24:55,009
I wonder if you wouldn't mind popping in
with a cup of coffee for me?

395
00:24:56,900 --> 00:24:58,379
How do I like it?

396
00:24:58,980 --> 00:25:02,131
I like it the way
Tony Murchison used to make it.

397
00:25:15,260 --> 00:25:19,538
Good evening and welcome
to Introducing My Grandfather To.

398
00:25:20,660 --> 00:25:23,572
Tonight, I shall be introducing my grandfather

399
00:25:23,660 --> 00:25:27,619
to the pornographer and steeplechase jockey,
Benton Asher.

400
00:25:27,700 --> 00:25:29,418
-Good evening, Benton.
-Good evening.

401
00:25:29,500 --> 00:25:33,459
And now, may I introduce you to my grandfather?
Grandfather, this is Benton Asher.

402
00:25:33,740 --> 00:25:35,298
-How do you do?
-Yes.

403
00:25:36,980 --> 00:25:38,095
Good night.

404
00:25:43,620 --> 00:25:46,657
Ladies and gentlemen, bear with me.
Bear with me, please, just for a moment.

405
00:25:46,740 --> 00:25:49,015
Don't stop bearing with me.

406
00:25:49,660 --> 00:25:54,051
I have a vision, ladies and gentlemen,
I have a vision of Britain.

407
00:25:54,460 --> 00:25:59,011
I see a country… I see a country peopled,
a country peopled with people.

408
00:25:59,900 --> 00:26:04,894
People who people it with charm, with grace,
yes, even with greatness.

409
00:26:05,340 --> 00:26:06,819
And as they people it,

410
00:26:07,180 --> 00:26:11,617
they enhance it with amusing voices
and their unusual children.

411
00:26:12,860 --> 00:26:16,057
And I see many towns and many villages.

412
00:26:16,300 --> 00:26:19,849
And I see family-amusement,
heritage-theme fun parks,

413
00:26:20,020 --> 00:26:22,215
which will smell of urine and vomit.

414
00:26:24,020 --> 00:26:28,298
And I see 10 water and sewage businesses.
I see leisuredromes.

415
00:26:28,900 --> 00:26:31,858
I see huge edge-of-town crematoriums

416
00:26:31,940 --> 00:26:36,092
and DayGlo Bermuda shorts
flecked with urine and vomit.

417
00:26:36,860 --> 00:26:39,579
I see thousands of miles of motorway

418
00:26:39,660 --> 00:26:44,051
conveniently stuffed full
of hundreds of thousands of cars,

419
00:26:44,140 --> 00:26:48,975
whose seats shall be stained
with children and urine and vomit.

420
00:26:49,740 --> 00:26:53,449
♫ Urine and vomit ♫

421
00:26:54,780 --> 00:26:56,850
And the interiors of these cars…

422
00:26:57,220 --> 00:27:02,578
the interiors of these cars
shall be hot and sweaty and bad-tempered,

423
00:27:02,660 --> 00:27:06,778
for the queue
to the family-entertainment leisure hychrodrome

424
00:27:06,860 --> 00:27:09,499
shall be thousands of miles long.

425
00:27:09,580 --> 00:27:13,653
And I see hundreds of shiny magazines
out of which will fall

426
00:27:13,860 --> 00:27:17,136
dozens of smaller shiny magazines,

427
00:27:17,740 --> 00:27:20,812
advertising personal attack alarms

428
00:27:20,900 --> 00:27:24,449
and handy freshen-up wipe and absorbent pads.

429
00:27:24,540 --> 00:27:27,100
And the faces of the people who shall be
peopling this new Britain

430
00:27:27,180 --> 00:27:29,819
shall be flushed and they shall be shiny
and they shall be pink,

431
00:27:29,900 --> 00:27:33,131
because they know that they are forging
a new Britain.

432
00:27:33,340 --> 00:27:35,570
A Britain of family heritage,

433
00:27:35,860 --> 00:27:38,420
and a Britain of amusement and amenity fun.

434
00:27:39,260 --> 00:27:43,219
As yet, it is only a vision.

435
00:27:43,540 --> 00:27:46,452
A vision of family heritage urine

436
00:27:47,420 --> 00:27:49,251
and fun amenity vomit.

437
00:27:50,860 --> 00:27:56,139
But soon, soon with luck,
sincerity and steadfast voting,

438
00:27:56,220 --> 00:27:59,018
it may become a reality.

439
00:28:52,540 --> 00:28:57,534
Good evening and welcome to
Realising I've Given The Wrong Directions To.

440
00:28:58,980 --> 00:29:05,419
Tonight, I shall be realising I've given the
wrong directions to Rabbi Michael Leibovitz.

441
00:29:05,500 --> 00:29:07,138
Good eve…

442
00:29:08,700 --> 00:29:10,258
Oh, damn.

443
00:29:12,420 --> 00:29:13,569
Good night.