1
00:00:33,672 --> 00:00:34,991
Come in.

2
00:00:35,952 --> 00:00:38,386
Hello, Father.
Mother said you wanted to see me.

3
00:00:38,472 --> 00:00:39,985
Yes, yes, come in, Timothy.

4
00:00:40,072 --> 00:00:43,030
Erm, just wanted a word.
I wondered if you could… Oh.

5
00:00:43,992 --> 00:00:46,950
Oh, damn this drawer!
I just don't seem to be able to open it.

6
00:00:47,232 --> 00:00:48,904
I wonder, would you mind?

7
00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:52,505
Yes!

8
00:00:52,672 --> 00:00:56,711
Yes, it's true! Every word is true!

9
00:00:56,992 --> 00:01:01,065
I tried to fight it, but I knew it was useless.
It's true!

10
00:01:02,192 --> 00:01:03,545
Father?

11
00:01:04,472 --> 00:01:08,260
Timothy, it's time you knew who you were.

12
00:01:09,832 --> 00:01:13,222
-I know who I am, Father.
-No, child, you do not.

13
00:01:13,392 --> 00:01:14,950
I'm Timothy Forrest.

14
00:01:15,032 --> 00:01:17,341
No, I wish it was so, but no.

15
00:01:17,432 --> 00:01:18,831
Sit. Sit down.

16
00:01:23,312 --> 00:01:25,223
Twenty-five years ago,

17
00:01:25,952 --> 00:01:28,261
the doctors told your mother and me

18
00:01:28,352 --> 00:01:31,389
that it would be impossible for us
ever to have children.

19
00:01:31,992 --> 00:01:33,107
Oh, why not?

20
00:01:33,192 --> 00:01:37,390
I can't remember the exact reason.
It was something to do with penises, I think.

21
00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:40,782
So we decided to adopt a child.

22
00:01:41,952 --> 00:01:43,351
I see.

23
00:01:43,432 --> 00:01:46,902
-And you chose me?
-After a great deal of shopping around, yes.

24
00:01:48,152 --> 00:01:51,986
From a new edge-of-town orphanage
that had opened just outside Royston.

25
00:01:52,352 --> 00:01:54,946
Well, did they tell you
who my real parents were?

26
00:01:55,032 --> 00:01:59,662
Please, Timothy, let me tell this
in my own way, in my own time,
in my own clothes.

27
00:01:59,752 --> 00:02:01,663
I'm sorry, Father.

28
00:02:02,752 --> 00:02:07,223
On your seventh birthday
a man called round to this house.

29
00:02:07,872 --> 00:02:10,944
His name was Furlo Roth.

30
00:02:11,712 --> 00:02:14,943
He took out a small multi-bladed knife,

31
00:02:15,432 --> 00:02:17,866
and he placed it in this drawer,

32
00:02:18,152 --> 00:02:21,189
the drawer that you have just opened, Timothy.

33
00:02:21,352 --> 00:02:23,820
He then closed the drawer

34
00:02:23,912 --> 00:02:27,905
and said that only the Chosen One
would be able to open it.

35
00:02:28,672 --> 00:02:32,950
You, Timothy, you are the Chosen One.

36
00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:35,181
I am?

37
00:02:35,512 --> 00:02:39,471
And this is Berwhale the Avenger.

38
00:02:41,312 --> 00:02:44,110
The weapon of the Chosen One.

39
00:02:45,512 --> 00:02:47,582
Tomorrow is your 25th birthday,

40
00:02:47,672 --> 00:02:51,904
and you must leave us to go in search
of Pewnack the Destroyer,

41
00:02:52,152 --> 00:02:54,905
the Dark One, the Beast.

42
00:02:56,232 --> 00:02:59,144
-Golly.
-When the fourth moon of Trollack

43
00:02:59,232 --> 00:03:03,942
rises above the Cylinder of Eyelass
then Pewnack will strike.

44
00:03:04,152 --> 00:03:06,302
His kingdom shall be numberless

45
00:03:06,392 --> 00:03:09,145
and darkness will blight the land.

46
00:03:09,272 --> 00:03:13,629
All men will be slaves
and the time of weeping will begin.

47
00:03:14,112 --> 00:03:17,104
Only the Chosen One can stop him.

48
00:03:17,192 --> 00:03:21,549
So it is written in the runes
of Ollerman-Goth, so it must be.

49
00:03:21,632 --> 00:03:27,309
And only Berwhale the Avenger
can pierce the armour of the beast.

50
00:03:30,152 --> 00:03:31,904
I knew it!

51
00:03:31,992 --> 00:03:36,270
It sounds funny, Father,
but in my heart I knew there was something.

52
00:03:36,472 --> 00:03:39,589
I realise now that I've been waiting
for this moment all my life.

53
00:03:39,672 --> 00:03:42,550
Yes! Yes, it must be so.

54
00:03:42,792 --> 00:03:46,626
So where will I find
this beast, this Pewnack the Destroyer?

55
00:03:46,832 --> 00:03:50,620
He lives far beyond in Saffron Walden.

56
00:03:52,472 --> 00:03:54,144
Saffron Walden, right.

57
00:03:54,232 --> 00:03:55,950
You must go there.

58
00:03:56,032 --> 00:03:58,182
Surprise is the key.

59
00:03:58,272 --> 00:04:02,663
If he knew that you were after him,
he would set the minions of Threek on you.

60
00:04:03,432 --> 00:04:07,903
Become a part of the community.
Get a job in a canning factory.

61
00:04:07,992 --> 00:04:10,301
Bide your time.

62
00:04:10,632 --> 00:04:12,907
And how will I know this Beast?

63
00:04:12,992 --> 00:04:15,745
Only Teece the Wise One can tell you.

64
00:04:15,912 --> 00:04:17,186
-Teece?
-Teece.

65
00:04:17,792 --> 00:04:22,263
After six months, when you have been accepted
by the Saffron Walden community,

66
00:04:22,352 --> 00:04:25,025
then Furlo Roth will call on you

67
00:04:25,112 --> 00:04:27,626
and show you how you might find Teece

68
00:04:27,712 --> 00:04:32,661
and together set out on your quest
to rid the world of Pewnack forever!

69
00:04:32,752 --> 00:04:35,664
Yes, yes it shall be done!

70
00:04:35,752 --> 00:04:38,505
Now, take Berwhale the Avenger,

71
00:04:38,592 --> 00:04:41,470
go upstairs and wash your hands for lunch.

72
00:04:43,832 --> 00:04:45,151
Right.

73
00:04:52,752 --> 00:04:53,867
Well?

74
00:04:54,072 --> 00:04:55,824
I think he swallowed it.

75
00:04:56,952 --> 00:04:57,987
Thank God.

76
00:04:58,072 --> 00:05:01,269
Get that lazy little sod out of the house
and earning his living.

77
00:05:03,432 --> 00:05:06,947
Well, we had our first child on the NHS.

78
00:05:07,312 --> 00:05:10,429
And had to wait nine months.
Can you believe it?

79
00:05:11,792 --> 00:05:14,909
I found young people
are no longer enticed into the church

80
00:05:14,992 --> 00:05:18,302
on the promise of guitars
and a little folk music.

81
00:05:18,392 --> 00:05:19,950
We have to move with the times.

82
00:05:20,032 --> 00:05:22,944
We've started showing leather and bondage films
in St Barnaby's

83
00:05:23,032 --> 00:05:24,465
and the results have been very good.

84
00:05:24,552 --> 00:05:28,465
We were packed last Sunday.
Mostly young Conservatives, but it's a start.

85
00:05:29,392 --> 00:05:32,270
Well, I looked over at my friend Suzy

86
00:05:32,352 --> 00:05:36,061
and her body was there
but her head was right over there.

87
00:05:36,672 --> 00:05:38,981
It was quite a weekend, I can tell you.

88
00:05:40,072 --> 00:05:43,189
I think, in 50 years' time,
people will be saying

89
00:05:43,272 --> 00:05:46,548
“Whatever happened
to the traditional English McDonald's?”

90
00:05:46,632 --> 00:05:49,749
Eh? It's a thought, isn't it? Eh?
I mean, think about it. It's a thought.

91
00:05:49,832 --> 00:05:52,869
Do what, eh?
Well, it is a thought, isn't it? Right?

92
00:05:52,952 --> 00:05:55,671
All right. I mean, do what, turn it up. Right?

93
00:05:59,472 --> 00:06:03,260
This woman is very upset.
We think you should hear her story.

94
00:06:03,752 --> 00:06:05,310
-Now, Sally…
-Sarah.

95
00:06:05,392 --> 00:06:06,711
Sarah. Damn!

96
00:06:08,512 --> 00:06:09,740
Sarah.

97
00:06:09,872 --> 00:06:12,830
Would you like to tell us
what it is that's upset you like this?

98
00:06:12,912 --> 00:06:14,106
No.

99
00:06:14,712 --> 00:06:15,906
-You're too upset?
-Yeah.

100
00:06:15,992 --> 00:06:19,541
Right. Sarah's too upset even to talk about
what it is that's upset her.

101
00:06:19,632 --> 00:06:21,588
That's how upset she is.

102
00:06:21,672 --> 00:06:24,789
Would it be all right if I told the viewers
what it is that's upsetting you?

103
00:06:24,872 --> 00:06:26,191
No.

104
00:06:27,632 --> 00:06:28,860
Right.

105
00:06:29,192 --> 00:06:32,343
Right. Well, you can see for yourselves
that Sarah is immensely upset,

106
00:06:32,432 --> 00:06:37,426
so upset that she won't even let me tell you
on her behalf what it is that's upsetting her.

107
00:06:37,512 --> 00:06:39,980
I think I can, however,
give you the very barest details.

108
00:06:40,072 --> 00:06:41,710
-Basic…
-No, you can't.

109
00:06:43,392 --> 00:06:45,303
Right. No, absolutely not.

110
00:06:47,992 --> 00:06:49,550
The thing is they're, um…

111
00:06:50,232 --> 00:06:53,224
They're probably all a bit curious to know
what it is that's upsetting you now

112
00:06:53,312 --> 00:06:56,668
and, you know, if I… I'd be letting them down
if I didn't tell them something.

113
00:06:56,752 --> 00:06:58,105
Oh, but you can't.

114
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:00,185
Okay, okay.

115
00:07:00,272 --> 00:07:02,832
-So, I… I can't even…
-No, no…

116
00:07:02,952 --> 00:07:04,101
Right.

117
00:07:15,872 --> 00:07:17,305
What are you doing?

118
00:07:17,792 --> 00:07:20,829
-Nothing.
-Were you telling them what's upset me?

119
00:07:20,992 --> 00:07:22,505
-No.
-Good.

120
00:07:22,632 --> 00:07:25,066
Well, I mean, you told me not to,
so obviously I wouldn't.

121
00:07:25,152 --> 00:07:26,380
Right.

122
00:07:33,632 --> 00:07:35,463
You bastard!

123
00:07:35,912 --> 00:07:38,904
-What? I wasn't doing anything. I… I was…
-I trusted you.

124
00:07:38,992 --> 00:07:42,064
Well, good.
I'm glad 'cause, you know, I trusted you.

125
00:07:42,312 --> 00:07:43,950
I don't want your trust.

126
00:07:53,952 --> 00:07:56,466
Right. Well, I think…
I think she's gone upstairs, so…

127
00:07:57,272 --> 00:08:00,662
Basically, I can tell you that
what happened was she was…

128
00:08:04,632 --> 00:08:08,784
Hello, I wonder if you can remember
what you were doing

129
00:08:08,872 --> 00:08:13,388
at half past three on the 16th of August, 1977.

130
00:08:13,912 --> 00:08:18,349
I remember exactly.
I was revising for my insect-killing exams.

131
00:08:18,712 --> 00:08:20,987
In those days
you could never really call yourself educated

132
00:08:21,072 --> 00:08:22,869
unless you knew how to kill wasps.

133
00:08:22,952 --> 00:08:26,149
Anyway, as I say,
I was swatting away for these exams

134
00:08:26,232 --> 00:08:30,669
when I felt a sudden rush in my soul,

135
00:08:31,152 --> 00:08:36,067
a sense of something incredibly beautiful
and mysterious passing into me.

136
00:08:36,232 --> 00:08:37,585
An extraordinary feeling,

137
00:08:37,672 --> 00:08:42,143
not unlike an evening with Cliff Michelmore
but somehow more peaceful.

138
00:08:42,872 --> 00:08:45,511
What could this feeling portend?

139
00:08:45,792 --> 00:08:48,864
Two hours later
I discovered its meaning exactly.

140
00:08:48,952 --> 00:08:51,910
For it was precisely at that time

141
00:08:52,152 --> 00:08:55,428
that Elvis Aaron Presley died.

142
00:08:56,192 --> 00:09:01,061
I knew then that the soul of Elvis
had passed into me.

143
00:09:02,432 --> 00:09:06,471
And since that day
I have, more or less, been Elvis.

144
00:09:06,912 --> 00:09:11,030
I've spent nearly all my time
stuffing my face with ice cream and Big Macs

145
00:09:11,112 --> 00:09:14,024
and popping Percodan and Quaalude pills.

146
00:09:14,112 --> 00:09:16,182
It's eerie, isn't it? Extraordinary.

147
00:09:16,272 --> 00:09:19,423
But I am, of course,
not the only person into whom Elvis,

148
00:09:19,512 --> 00:09:23,061
with his customary generosity,
breathed his soul.

149
00:09:23,152 --> 00:09:26,269
♫ Love me tender

150
00:09:26,432 --> 00:09:28,548
♫ Love me sweet

151
00:09:29,592 --> 00:09:33,631
♫ Never let me go

152
00:09:35,752 --> 00:09:41,031
♫ You have made my life complete

153
00:09:42,112 --> 00:09:45,991
♫ And I love you so

154
00:09:48,392 --> 00:09:51,225
♫ Love me tender

155
00:09:51,632 --> 00:09:54,066
♫ Love me true

156
00:09:54,392 --> 00:09:58,749
♫ All my dreams fulfilled

157
00:10:00,552 --> 00:10:03,589
♫ Oh, my darling

158
00:10:03,752 --> 00:10:05,982
♫ I love you

159
00:10:06,832 --> 00:10:11,462
♫ And I always will ♫

160
00:10:20,952 --> 00:10:25,503
Behold. This court doth find itself convened
under the eye of God,

161
00:10:25,592 --> 00:10:29,585
this day of our Lord, Tuesday,
which is called Tuesday.

162
00:10:29,672 --> 00:10:32,470
So be it. Be it so and not otherwise.

163
00:10:32,552 --> 00:10:34,031
-Nay.
-Moo.

164
00:10:34,312 --> 00:10:38,544
As witness my hand hereunto
bearing the great seal of Rotherham.

165
00:10:38,712 --> 00:10:39,781
Meow.

166
00:10:39,872 --> 00:10:43,023
All those who do have righteous business
before these presents

167
00:10:43,112 --> 00:10:46,024
either make sign or say this court nay.

168
00:10:46,112 --> 00:10:48,148
-Or moo.
-Or, possibly, moo.

169
00:10:48,232 --> 00:10:52,384
-The charge. Make known the charge.
-Fourteen guineas per calendar hour.

170
00:10:52,472 --> 00:10:53,507
-Cheap.
-Woof.

171
00:10:53,592 --> 00:10:58,507
Be it known and appended in these, our records,
that this chalice of Ultra Heat Treated milk,

172
00:10:58,592 --> 00:11:00,901
being appointed in the wisdom of our Lord God

173
00:11:00,992 --> 00:11:04,462
to accompany the coffee of the
most reverent and holy Bishop of Uffington,

174
00:11:04,552 --> 00:11:08,545
did fail to yield up its juices,
therefore most basely causing

175
00:11:08,632 --> 00:11:10,145
that holy and right goodly man

176
00:11:10,232 --> 00:11:15,226
to snag his fingernail against the tab,
the which is provided for the opening, thereof.

177
00:11:15,672 --> 00:11:17,822
-Unto.
-Of it.

178
00:11:18,232 --> 00:11:19,267
Slightly.

179
00:11:19,352 --> 00:11:22,105
This snagging the devil having achieved,

180
00:11:22,192 --> 00:11:26,151
for it must right wise be known
that the devil hath possessed this chalice…

181
00:11:26,232 --> 00:11:29,190
-Or pot.
-Hath possessed this chalice or pot.

182
00:11:29,552 --> 00:11:33,545
The lid did open in an
irritating little V shape

183
00:11:33,712 --> 00:11:36,863
and did most lewdly disgorge
its opal fluids

184
00:11:36,952 --> 00:11:40,308
upon the chaste and seemly waistcoat
of our most godly bishop.

185
00:11:40,392 --> 00:11:43,589
Thereat proving that
the pot is a most wicked pot!

186
00:11:43,672 --> 00:11:47,142
-Or chalice.
-A most wicked and contumely pot or chalice

187
00:11:47,232 --> 00:11:49,063
wherein Satan doth play Jackalawkins.

188
00:11:49,152 --> 00:11:50,949
-This being said…
-And neighed.

189
00:11:51,032 --> 00:11:54,388
This being said and neighed
unto the articles whereof it is written,

190
00:11:54,472 --> 00:11:58,351
it should be said and neighed
we do make most erotic demand

191
00:11:58,432 --> 00:12:01,822
that this chalice or pot
and its milk and contents

192
00:12:01,912 --> 00:12:03,823
be cast into the chasting dish

193
00:12:03,912 --> 00:12:08,463
thence to be tossed unshriven
and unhouseled into the condign flames

194
00:12:08,552 --> 00:12:11,146
whence they most surely rose.

195
00:12:11,592 --> 00:12:13,822
Prepare the chasting dish.

196
00:12:17,152 --> 00:12:19,825
The chasting dish is prepared.

197
00:12:20,912 --> 00:12:23,346
The chasting dish is prepared.

198
00:12:23,432 --> 00:12:27,789
-The opening! The opening!
-The opening and the pouring.

199
00:12:33,432 --> 00:12:34,945
Bugger.

200
00:12:36,352 --> 00:12:39,583
There's no such thing as
bad publicity, they say.

201
00:12:39,672 --> 00:12:41,902
Try telling that to Frank Bough.

202
00:12:43,752 --> 00:12:48,428
I… Personally, I think sandwiches
actually taste better out of Tupperware.

203
00:12:48,752 --> 00:12:51,107
Because I love the smell. I just…

204
00:12:51,712 --> 00:12:53,543
I… Oh, I love that.

205
00:12:54,672 --> 00:12:57,140
Yes, it… It is nice, isn't it?

206
00:12:57,232 --> 00:13:00,429
There's a little man in the village
who runs up my skirts.

207
00:13:11,592 --> 00:13:14,629
Yeah, it's… It's mostly legwork, this job.

208
00:14:04,912 --> 00:14:09,064
Alan, my dear boy. Good to see you.
I hope you don't mind, I was just…

209
00:14:09,152 --> 00:14:10,983
What the hell are you doing here?
How did you get in?

210
00:14:11,072 --> 00:14:13,108
Your landlady. Charming woman.

211
00:14:13,192 --> 00:14:16,423
Turns out both she and I
are great fans of Johnny Mathis.

212
00:14:17,472 --> 00:14:18,746
Ah!

213
00:14:18,952 --> 00:14:20,590
Yeah, what the hell do you want?

214
00:14:20,672 --> 00:14:24,381
I'd forgotten your obsession
with Japanese fighting fish.

215
00:14:24,552 --> 00:14:26,508
You're quite an expert, aren't you?

216
00:14:26,592 --> 00:14:29,345
Never mind that. Just say your piece
and get the hell out of here.

217
00:14:29,432 --> 00:14:32,230
Never really could see it myself.

218
00:14:32,592 --> 00:14:35,425
What is it about them that interests you?

219
00:14:35,512 --> 00:14:37,230
Japanese fighting fish?

220
00:14:37,312 --> 00:14:39,030
They're loyal. Honest.

221
00:14:39,112 --> 00:14:41,945
They don't send you to Aylesbury
on half-arsed operations

222
00:14:42,032 --> 00:14:43,431
and then sell you down the river.

223
00:14:43,512 --> 00:14:45,707
Oh, come now, Alan, that's hardly fair.

224
00:14:45,792 --> 00:14:48,431
-The Department…
-The hell with the Department!

225
00:14:48,512 --> 00:14:51,902
That's finished. It's over.
It's finished with. Over.

226
00:14:52,312 --> 00:14:55,622
Finished and done with. It's over.
It's completely finished.

227
00:14:55,832 --> 00:14:58,710
You're right, Alan. I see that now.
I shouldn't have come here.

228
00:14:58,792 --> 00:15:02,751
You have your own life now.
This flat, your fish.

229
00:15:03,312 --> 00:15:06,748
And there's a girl now, I believe.

230
00:15:06,832 --> 00:15:08,265
Deborah, is it?

231
00:15:10,992 --> 00:15:14,462
You wanna know something, read the file, sir.

232
00:15:15,512 --> 00:15:17,821
Of course, Alan. Of course.

233
00:15:18,192 --> 00:15:21,502
I shall leave you now.
Thanks for the use of the lavatory.

234
00:15:23,472 --> 00:15:27,101
-Oh, by the way.
-What now?

235
00:15:27,392 --> 00:15:31,180
We're reopening the Steinbeck case.
I thought you might be interested.

236
00:15:31,272 --> 00:15:33,581
Steinbeck? What the hell…?

237
00:15:33,672 --> 00:15:36,311
You and Steinbeck had quite a lot in common,
didn't you?

238
00:15:36,392 --> 00:15:40,351
Both orphaned at an early age.
Both took excellent degrees at the Sorbonne.

239
00:15:40,432 --> 00:15:43,185
Both had trials for West Bromwich Albion.

240
00:15:43,272 --> 00:15:47,151
You at inside right, Steinbeck in goal,
I think I'm right in saying.

241
00:15:47,392 --> 00:15:49,860
Both have accounts with
John Lewis at Brent Cross.

242
00:15:49,952 --> 00:15:52,068
-Is that a crime?
-Not at all, my dear boy.

243
00:15:52,152 --> 00:15:54,746
I'm just pointing out
the similarities, that's all.

244
00:15:54,952 --> 00:15:57,546
And, of course, you both adore fish.

245
00:15:57,632 --> 00:15:59,588
Really quite remarkable.

246
00:15:59,992 --> 00:16:01,630
You bastard.

247
00:16:01,872 --> 00:16:04,750
He trusts you, Alan. You're the only one
who can bring him out alive.

248
00:16:04,832 --> 00:16:07,392
It's your damn porridge,
use your own damn spoon.

249
00:16:07,472 --> 00:16:09,986
Please, Alan, don't throw porridge in my face.

250
00:16:10,072 --> 00:16:13,781
That's completely over. Finished. Done with.
Over and finished with.

251
00:16:13,872 --> 00:16:15,988
Done over with. Finished. Over.

252
00:16:16,072 --> 00:16:18,188
You understand? Finished over with.

253
00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:19,626
Done.

254
00:16:19,912 --> 00:16:21,903
I seem to have touched a nerve.

255
00:16:21,992 --> 00:16:25,189
All right, Alan, blast you. 15-all.

256
00:16:25,432 --> 00:16:27,946
We need you, and you need us.

257
00:16:28,032 --> 00:16:30,182
I need nothing and nobody.

258
00:16:31,032 --> 00:16:36,743
You need an import licence for those
oh-so-pretty Japanese fighting fish of yours.

259
00:16:39,032 --> 00:16:41,068
You bloody bastard.

260
00:16:42,232 --> 00:16:44,792
First class flight to Chichester.

261
00:16:44,952 --> 00:16:48,831
Table for two on the sleeper
from Chichester to Stroud.

262
00:16:49,592 --> 00:16:53,665
Hair-trigger, fur-barrel, soft-eared bullets.
Just as you like them.

263
00:16:54,352 --> 00:16:56,308
You certainly came prepared, didn't you?

264
00:16:56,392 --> 00:17:00,624
I prefer to put it this way.
I certainly came prepared, didn't I?

265
00:17:00,792 --> 00:17:02,783
Welsh passport,

266
00:17:02,872 --> 00:17:05,625
hotel reservations
at the Welcome Break, Low Wycombe,

267
00:17:05,712 --> 00:17:08,101
all in the name of one Lewis Potter.

268
00:17:08,192 --> 00:17:11,502
-And the real Lewis Potter?
-A chartered prostitute from Hereford.

269
00:17:11,592 --> 00:17:14,504
Died two years ago in a smiling accident.

270
00:17:15,272 --> 00:17:17,024
Will you do it, Alan?

271
00:17:17,552 --> 00:17:19,702
-You said table for two?
-Of course.

272
00:17:19,992 --> 00:17:22,904
Allow me to introduce your wife.

273
00:17:23,272 --> 00:17:26,867
-What the hell?
-You need a new ballcock.

274
00:17:27,552 --> 00:17:29,782
-I beg your pardon?
-On your cistern.

275
00:17:29,872 --> 00:17:32,067
I've fixed it for now, but it needs replacing.

276
00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:35,940
I know you're used to working alone, Alan,
but under the circumstances
the Department felt…

277
00:17:36,032 --> 00:17:37,750
The Department can go to hell!

278
00:17:37,832 --> 00:17:40,585
I told you, I'm finished,
done away with at last.

279
00:17:40,672 --> 00:17:43,709
Period, no more, full stop,
the end, full period.

280
00:17:43,872 --> 00:17:45,783
You can shove the Department up your arse.

281
00:17:45,872 --> 00:17:48,181
No, I can't do that,
as you very well know, Alan.

282
00:17:48,272 --> 00:17:51,105
The Department is a large building
housing hundreds of people.

283
00:17:51,192 --> 00:17:54,502
I couldn't possibly shove it up my arse
without a great deal of discomfort…

284
00:17:54,592 --> 00:17:56,628
-Excuse me, Admiral.
-What is it, my dear?

285
00:17:56,712 --> 00:18:00,546
-Major Tarrant seems to doubt my abilities.
-You're damn right.

286
00:18:00,792 --> 00:18:02,703
Well, I'll leave you two to get acquainted

287
00:18:02,792 --> 00:18:05,511
while I have another go
on that excellent lavatory of yours.

288
00:18:05,592 --> 00:18:08,584
Don't worry, my dear.
His bark's much worse than his bite.

289
00:18:09,512 --> 00:18:12,026
So did he tell you what happened
to my last partner?

290
00:18:12,112 --> 00:18:14,467
Shot dead on the steps of the Prague Embassy.

291
00:18:14,552 --> 00:18:16,270
-I've read the file.
-Yeah?

292
00:18:16,752 --> 00:18:19,949
Well, files ain't a lot of use
when you're staring down the barrel of a knife.

293
00:18:20,032 --> 00:18:21,624
Nice flat.

294
00:18:21,752 --> 00:18:23,310
Gets me from A to B.

295
00:18:23,392 --> 00:18:26,668
Quite a collection of Japanese fighting fish.
Are they good?

296
00:18:26,832 --> 00:18:31,144
The one on the left's a black belt fourth dan.
The one on the right is retired.

297
00:18:31,392 --> 00:18:35,670
-You don't like me, do you, Major?
-Save it, lady. I don't have a lot of time.

298
00:18:36,552 --> 00:18:39,544
Look, if we're gonna be working together,
we might as well be friends.

299
00:18:39,632 --> 00:18:41,350
I work faster alone.

300
00:18:41,432 --> 00:18:44,265
Perhaps it'd be a good idea
if we went to bed together.

301
00:18:44,352 --> 00:18:46,741
Like I said, I work faster alone.

302
00:18:47,592 --> 00:18:50,629
-Me, too. Have you got two bedrooms?
-Sure.

303
00:18:50,752 --> 00:18:52,822
I'll take this one. You take the other.

304
00:18:59,792 --> 00:19:01,384
-Better?
-Much.

305
00:19:01,512 --> 00:19:03,389
-I don't even know your name.
-Does it matter?

306
00:19:03,472 --> 00:19:04,541
I guess not.

307
00:19:04,632 --> 00:19:08,102
Look, if you wanna make yourself useful,
you could start by fixing us a pair of drinks.

308
00:19:08,192 --> 00:19:09,671
-You'll find some whisky above…
-Above the sink.

309
00:19:09,752 --> 00:19:13,267
-I know. I've read the file, remember?
-You minx.

310
00:19:14,472 --> 00:19:18,306
Oh, that really was most enjoyable.
Would anyone else like a go?

311
00:19:18,632 --> 00:19:21,783
No? Well, in that case,
I think I might have another turn myself.

312
00:19:21,872 --> 00:19:23,544
Really most excellent.

313
00:19:26,072 --> 00:19:27,790
What does he do in there?

314
00:19:28,272 --> 00:19:29,910
I've really no idea.

315
00:19:33,592 --> 00:19:35,469
♫ The world is ever sliding

316
00:19:35,552 --> 00:19:37,941
♫ Ever gliding, ever turning

317
00:19:38,032 --> 00:19:41,342
♫ Ever yearning and colliding

318
00:19:42,272 --> 00:19:44,467
♫ The stairs begin to creak

319
00:19:44,592 --> 00:19:46,822
♫ You turn but cannot speak

320
00:19:46,912 --> 00:19:49,301
♫ As the bubble starts to squeak

321
00:19:49,392 --> 00:19:52,543
♫ And you find the truth you seek

322
00:19:53,552 --> 00:19:56,749
♫ You, yes, you, you, you

323
00:19:56,832 --> 00:19:59,392
♫ It's you I'm speaking to

324
00:19:59,472 --> 00:20:02,350
♫ You, the sparkle of my fright

325
00:20:02,432 --> 00:20:04,900
♫ The goddess of what seems

326
00:20:04,992 --> 00:20:07,460
♫ The starling of my night

327
00:20:07,552 --> 00:20:10,146
♫ The parcel of my dreams

328
00:20:10,232 --> 00:20:13,827
♫ Just the parcel of my dreams

329
00:20:13,992 --> 00:20:15,550
♫ Oh, yes

330
00:20:16,432 --> 00:20:19,663
♫ You, yes, you, you, you

331
00:20:19,752 --> 00:20:22,744
♫ The you who do what none can do

332
00:20:22,832 --> 00:20:25,744
♫ The you that haunts my ears

333
00:20:25,832 --> 00:20:28,824
♫ On the shortlist of wasted rains

334
00:20:28,912 --> 00:20:31,665
♫ The avenue of chandeliers

335
00:20:31,752 --> 00:20:34,869
♫ That shames my frozen veins

336
00:20:34,952 --> 00:20:39,025
♫ That shames my frozen veins, not yet

337
00:20:39,112 --> 00:20:41,068
♫ The world is ever hiding

338
00:20:41,152 --> 00:20:43,143
♫ Ever riding, ever churning

339
00:20:43,232 --> 00:20:46,349
♫ Ever burning and dividing

340
00:20:47,072 --> 00:20:51,509
♫ For the horse bestrides the cart
And the temple rent apart

341
00:20:51,592 --> 00:20:53,947
♫ And thou wilt be what thou art

342
00:20:54,032 --> 00:20:58,230
♫ As your hand becomes your heart

343
00:20:59,072 --> 00:21:02,348
♫ You, yes, you, you, you

344
00:21:02,472 --> 00:21:05,782
♫ The you who knows what once I knew

345
00:21:05,872 --> 00:21:08,670
♫ The you that spits my blood

346
00:21:08,752 --> 00:21:11,824
♫ And stares at both my clouds

347
00:21:11,952 --> 00:21:14,591
♫ You wear a sleeve of mud

348
00:21:14,672 --> 00:21:17,664
♫ Your cuffs become my shrouds

349
00:21:17,752 --> 00:21:20,744
♫ Your cuffs become my shrouds

350
00:21:20,832 --> 00:21:22,185
♫ Oh, why?

351
00:21:22,272 --> 00:21:25,548
♫ You, yes, you, you, you

352
00:21:25,632 --> 00:21:28,669
♫ The which, why, how and who

353
00:21:28,752 --> 00:21:31,505
♫ You crumple the skirts of need

354
00:21:31,592 --> 00:21:33,548
♫ In the belly of desire

355
00:21:33,632 --> 00:21:36,146
♫ Where my freshly planted seed

356
00:21:36,232 --> 00:21:39,861
♫ Can spin its tangled wire

357
00:21:39,952 --> 00:21:42,989
♫ Can spin its tangled wire

358
00:21:43,112 --> 00:21:44,909
♫ It is finished ♫

359
00:21:51,672 --> 00:21:54,664
Yes, I've… I've smoked pot, erm, only once.

360
00:21:55,032 --> 00:21:58,820
But, it was… It was strange, really,
because I got arrested and sent to prison.

361
00:21:58,912 --> 00:22:01,710
And my parents were shunned
by the local community,

362
00:22:01,792 --> 00:22:04,750
and my father lost his job,
and my mother became an alcoholic,

363
00:22:04,832 --> 00:22:07,949
and my sister and I were put into care,
and now I'm homeless.

364
00:22:08,032 --> 00:22:10,671
All from smoking pot.
It's funny, really, isn't it?

365
00:22:12,032 --> 00:22:15,945
What, this old thing?
Well, it could be a help and a hindrance.

366
00:22:16,672 --> 00:22:20,108
On the plus side,
I can get into Ronnie Scott's half price.

367
00:22:20,432 --> 00:22:23,344
On the minus side, I do look a complete tosser.

368
00:22:24,632 --> 00:22:28,341
Yes, I drive a Vauxhall Nova Splash.

369
00:22:28,552 --> 00:22:29,905
It's a limited edition.

370
00:22:29,992 --> 00:22:32,984
I think they only made
one and a half million of them.

371
00:22:34,272 --> 00:22:38,424
These?
Bernard Matthews' Golden Turkey Drummers.

372
00:22:38,592 --> 00:22:40,947
You'd be surprised how versatile they are.

373
00:22:41,032 --> 00:22:43,341
I've got one in at the moment, actually.

374
00:22:46,192 --> 00:22:48,501
So I think it would be useful if we started

375
00:22:48,592 --> 00:22:52,028
by your telling me something
about your state of mind at the moment.

376
00:22:52,112 --> 00:22:55,661
How would you describe it?
Would you say you were happy or depressed?

377
00:22:55,752 --> 00:22:57,788
Confident or unsure of yourself?

378
00:22:57,872 --> 00:23:01,148
What words would you use
to describe your mood, would you say?

379
00:23:01,232 --> 00:23:02,506
Take your time.

380
00:23:04,392 --> 00:23:06,986
Fascinating. Absolutely fascinating.

381
00:23:07,072 --> 00:23:11,509
Your problem seems to centre around
the delusion that you are a psychiatrist

382
00:23:12,632 --> 00:23:15,305
and that everyone you speak to
is a patient of some sort.

383
00:23:15,392 --> 00:23:17,906
This is a rare but not unheard of syndrome.

384
00:23:19,272 --> 00:23:22,867
I think perhaps it would be helpful now
if we talked a little bit about your mother.

385
00:23:22,952 --> 00:23:24,624
What are your feelings towards your mother?

386
00:23:24,712 --> 00:23:26,987
Extraordinary, really. Very intriguing.
Now why mother?

387
00:23:27,072 --> 00:23:30,269
Was your mother affectionate towards you
when you were small?

388
00:23:30,352 --> 00:23:35,346
Affection? Affection, that's interesting.
I wonder why you chose that word particularly.

389
00:23:35,712 --> 00:23:38,988
I think it will be helpful if you told me
at this point, if you can remember,

390
00:23:39,072 --> 00:23:41,825
whether or not you were breastfed as an infant.

391
00:23:42,432 --> 00:23:46,266
Already, you see, we're focusing in on breasts.
Good, good.

392
00:23:46,352 --> 00:23:49,549
Now, how do you feel about breasts now?
Do they… Do they frighten you?

393
00:23:49,632 --> 00:23:50,906
Because, again, this is quite common.

394
00:23:50,992 --> 00:23:52,710
Breasts and fear.

395
00:23:52,792 --> 00:23:55,465
Ah, now, that is very interesting,
breasts and fear.

396
00:23:55,552 --> 00:23:57,031
Fascinating association.

397
00:23:57,112 --> 00:23:59,706
Where do you think your father fits
into that association?

398
00:23:59,792 --> 00:24:02,386
Right, right. Absolutely classic.
Father, father…

399
00:24:02,472 --> 00:24:04,747
All right, so let's imagine a line, shall we?

400
00:24:04,832 --> 00:24:08,268
We have fear at one end, breasts at the other.

401
00:24:08,352 --> 00:24:11,071
Now, where would you place your father
on that line?

402
00:24:11,152 --> 00:24:14,269
Lines. Lines. Now that is… That is interesting.

403
00:24:14,352 --> 00:24:16,422
Line… I may ask you
to draw those lines in a minute

404
00:24:16,512 --> 00:24:20,346
in something we call a Bender-Gestalt test,
which can be very revealing.

405
00:24:20,432 --> 00:24:23,981
But lines, let's explore those for a moment.
They're very penetrative, aren't they?

406
00:24:24,072 --> 00:24:27,462
Very, very thrusting,
very male, very masculine.

407
00:24:27,752 --> 00:24:30,027
-They urge onwards, don't they?
-Right, right.

408
00:24:30,112 --> 00:24:33,787
So now at last the layers are
beginning to unpeel. This is very important.

409
00:24:33,872 --> 00:24:36,830
So we have… We have breasts. We have fear.

410
00:24:36,912 --> 00:24:40,905
We have male thrusting, penetrative, urging,

411
00:24:41,032 --> 00:24:45,025
some sort of psychiatric jargon you've
picked up from the Reader's Digest.

412
00:24:45,792 --> 00:24:48,181
How often would you say you masturbated?

413
00:24:49,112 --> 00:24:51,546
Now, I'm gonna be really
quite firm now, all right?

414
00:24:51,952 --> 00:24:56,025
-I'm the doctor. You are the patient.
-Yes, that's right.

415
00:24:56,112 --> 00:25:00,344
Now, I'm sorry, I want to hear you say it.
I want to hear you say, “I am the patient.”

416
00:25:00,432 --> 00:25:02,662
-What was that?
-“I am the patient.”

417
00:25:02,872 --> 00:25:04,305
Good, good. That's a breakthrough.

418
00:25:04,392 --> 00:25:07,350
Now that you can say that,
now that you can admit it,

419
00:25:07,432 --> 00:25:09,184
we can proceed. Excellent.

420
00:25:10,512 --> 00:25:12,264
You are the patient.

421
00:25:12,432 --> 00:25:14,946
I am, you are. Perhaps we're all patients.

422
00:25:15,032 --> 00:25:16,988
No, I am not a patient.

423
00:25:17,072 --> 00:25:19,666
Now, now, please remain calm, Mr Windrush.

424
00:25:19,752 --> 00:25:20,946
Dr Windrush.

425
00:25:21,032 --> 00:25:24,502
Now, you realise that I only have to
lift this phone, you will be restrained.

426
00:25:24,592 --> 00:25:25,661
Yes, hello?

427
00:25:25,752 --> 00:25:28,983
-Yes, it's all right, Rebecca, I'm in a session…
-Don't worry, thank you, Rebecca.

428
00:25:29,072 --> 00:25:32,109
-He's just a patient. Don't worry about it.
-There's nothing to worry about.

429
00:25:32,712 --> 00:25:37,183
Now, look, I can't help you
unless you stop playing this ridiculous game.

430
00:25:37,392 --> 00:25:40,828
Extraordinary. I don't think I've ever
come across a more deeply embedded illusion.

431
00:25:40,912 --> 00:25:42,140
It is not an illusion.

432
00:25:42,232 --> 00:25:45,190
Your last doctor tried you
on a course of Lentizol, I believe.

433
00:25:45,272 --> 00:25:46,705
Did you find that helped at all?

434
00:25:46,792 --> 00:25:49,101
All right, let's go right back
to the beginning, shall we?

435
00:25:49,192 --> 00:25:51,422
If you are, as you think, a doctor…

436
00:25:52,712 --> 00:25:56,705
Well, I'm sorry,
that's the full hour, Mr Windrush.
Shall we say same time next week?

437
00:25:56,792 --> 00:25:59,909
Er, yes, I think I can fit you in
same time next week.

438
00:25:59,992 --> 00:26:00,981
Perhaps for the next session

439
00:26:01,072 --> 00:26:03,427
you could bring some photographs
of your parents. That might be useful.

440
00:26:03,512 --> 00:26:06,026
Yes, I think I might try you
on a course of hypnosis next time.

441
00:26:06,112 --> 00:26:10,310
And if you'll just confirm that appointment
with Rebecca on the way out. Thank you.

442
00:26:10,432 --> 00:26:11,421
Mmm.

443
00:26:13,432 --> 00:26:15,502
Oh. You're both here.

444
00:26:16,112 --> 00:26:19,104
Well, I think I'm
seeing you first, Mr Windrush.

445
00:26:21,112 --> 00:26:24,991
Would you mind waiting outside, Mr Johanssen?
You're a little bit early.

446
00:26:25,352 --> 00:26:27,070
Rebecca, two teas, please.

447
00:26:28,432 --> 00:26:30,502
Extraordinary.

448
00:26:30,912 --> 00:26:34,302
-So deep-seated.
-Simply fascinating.

449
00:26:34,632 --> 00:26:37,465
-Well, that was just…
-Do sit down, Mrs Meddlicott…

450
00:26:37,552 --> 00:26:40,191
-Have a seat… I'm finished my session with him.
-He's on his way out.

451
00:26:51,152 --> 00:26:54,508
The interesting thing is
I've never had a lesson in my life.

452
00:26:56,352 --> 00:26:58,104
But then, you see,

453
00:26:58,432 --> 00:27:02,141
I'd have to say that my mother and I
have never really agreed on…

454
00:27:02,992 --> 00:27:07,065
Hold on, you've got a…
You've got a bit of a
spec of dirt on the camera.

455
00:27:07,992 --> 00:27:09,550
There you go.

456
00:27:11,632 --> 00:27:13,987
Well, that's about it for this week.

457
00:27:14,072 --> 00:27:16,427
That's right.
We seem to have exceeded our allotted time.

458
00:27:16,512 --> 00:27:17,627
-Hugh, old love?
-What?

459
00:27:17,712 --> 00:27:20,943
-Button it. There's a dear.
-Right. Yes, of course. I'm sorry.

460
00:27:21,032 --> 00:27:24,991
So until we happen into each other once again,
it's good night from me.

461
00:27:25,072 --> 00:27:26,903
And it's good night from me.

462
00:27:26,992 --> 00:27:30,462
We're going to leave you with
tonight's cocktail recipe.

463
00:27:30,552 --> 00:27:32,827
Tonight it's Whisky Thunder.

464
00:27:32,912 --> 00:27:35,665
For this you'll need whisky, Angostura bitters,

465
00:27:35,752 --> 00:27:39,347
lemon juice,
a pint of oh-so-fresh-fresh dairy cream,

466
00:27:39,432 --> 00:27:41,309
two olives and a peanut.

467
00:27:41,672 --> 00:27:44,186
Please, Mr Music, will you play.

468
00:28:34,672 --> 00:28:36,344
-Soupy twist.
-Soupy twist.