1
00:00:05,607 --> 00:00:08,326
Ah, good morning, sir. Can I help you?

2
00:00:08,607 --> 00:00:12,156
Yes, I'd like eight packets
of condoms, please!

3
00:00:13,367 --> 00:00:14,925
-Eight?
-Yes, please!

4
00:00:15,007 --> 00:00:18,477
I'd like three Gossamer, three Fetherlite,

5
00:00:19,047 --> 00:00:20,924
the new single by Jason Donovan

6
00:00:21,007 --> 00:00:22,486
and, er…

7
00:00:23,807 --> 00:00:26,879
I'd like two of the ribbed arouser!

8
00:00:28,087 --> 00:00:29,964
-Jason Donovan?
-Yes, yes, that's right.

9
00:00:30,047 --> 00:00:34,165
And can you make sure
they're Sensitol lubricated, please?

10
00:00:34,487 --> 00:00:35,966
Jason Donovan?

11
00:01:30,647 --> 00:01:42,036
♫ He remains an Englishman ♫

12
00:01:44,567 --> 00:01:46,956
-Ambassador?
-Oh, Witty, isn't it?

13
00:01:47,047 --> 00:01:48,082
Yes, sir.

14
00:01:48,167 --> 00:01:50,123
Yes, a message just came through for you

15
00:01:50,207 --> 00:01:52,562
from the Vice-Consul in Al-Rahad
marked “most urgent”.

16
00:01:52,647 --> 00:01:55,525
Oh, well, then, I suppose you'd better read it,
dear boy.

17
00:01:55,607 --> 00:01:59,520
“Twelve armoured divisions heading south.
Infantry build-up along border continues.

18
00:01:59,607 --> 00:02:03,316
“Every indication, repeat, every indication
that invasion is imminent.

19
00:02:03,407 --> 00:02:05,204
“Repeat, imminent.”

20
00:02:05,287 --> 00:02:06,356
Hmm.

21
00:02:07,687 --> 00:02:11,646
-Well, what should we do, sir?
-Good question, Witty. Very good question.

22
00:02:11,727 --> 00:02:14,605
My feeling is that we should do The Mikado.

23
00:02:15,647 --> 00:02:16,796
I'm sorry, sir?

24
00:02:16,887 --> 00:02:20,766
I know a lot of the younger fellows in
the Chancery think it's time for a
Pirates of Penzance,

25
00:02:20,847 --> 00:02:23,156
-but there isn't a part in that for me, you see?
-I'm sorry, I don't…

26
00:02:23,247 --> 00:02:26,796
Well, I don't want to seem a spoilsport, but
I do think there has to be a part in it for me.

27
00:02:26,887 --> 00:02:29,196
And The Mikado seems
the most appropriate choice.

28
00:02:29,287 --> 00:02:32,597
But surely, sir, there are…
There are more pressing calls upon our time.

29
00:02:32,687 --> 00:02:35,155
Oh, the gymkhana, you mean? No.

30
00:02:35,247 --> 00:02:39,479
I think we can let the wives sort that one out.
I've agreed to pin the winning rosette.

31
00:02:39,567 --> 00:02:41,683
Julia is just going to have
to be satisfied with that.

32
00:02:41,767 --> 00:02:43,246
No, sir. No, the invasion.

33
00:02:43,327 --> 00:02:46,603
I mean, unless he's stopped now, there's
gonna be the most appalling catastrophe.

34
00:02:46,687 --> 00:02:49,076
Surely… Surely, we must at least
issue an ultimatum.

35
00:02:49,167 --> 00:02:52,682
Oh, very well, Witty. Dispatch this.

36
00:02:53,287 --> 00:02:56,757
“Unless you withdraw soonest,
your ticket allocation

37
00:02:56,847 --> 00:03:00,965
“for our next Gilbert and Sullivan production
will be severely reduced.”

38
00:03:01,047 --> 00:03:02,526
Ambassador, for heaven's sake.

39
00:03:02,607 --> 00:03:05,121
Not strong enough, you think?
Oh, all right, scratch that.

40
00:03:05,207 --> 00:03:07,357
Erm, “Unless you withdraw soonest,

41
00:03:07,447 --> 00:03:11,838
“Derek Nimmo's touring production
of Separate Tables will not be cancelled.”

42
00:03:12,487 --> 00:03:14,762
Ambassador, he is about to invade!

43
00:03:14,847 --> 00:03:17,725
Within a matter of hours,
we could be on the brink of a world war.

44
00:03:17,807 --> 00:03:20,879
You haven't been in the Foreign Office long,
have you, Witty?

45
00:03:20,967 --> 00:03:25,085
-Three years, sir.
-Oh dear. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

46
00:03:25,487 --> 00:03:28,524
That means you missed
our last production of HMS Pinafore.

47
00:03:28,607 --> 00:03:29,835
Yes, I'm afraid so, sir.

48
00:03:29,927 --> 00:03:33,715
-Pity, pity. I wore one of Julia's dresses.
-Yes, I'd heard that, sir.

49
00:03:33,807 --> 00:03:36,480
Little tight under the arms,
but otherwise surprisingly comfortable.

50
00:03:36,567 --> 00:03:38,683
-Really, sir, but…
-There was a…

51
00:03:38,767 --> 00:03:41,201
There was a wonderful moment in the second act,

52
00:03:41,287 --> 00:03:46,202
where I had to go downstage, as we say,
and kiss the wife of the First Secretary.

53
00:03:46,287 --> 00:03:49,757
-But I tripped over an upturned…
-Ambassador, I'm sorry to interrupt,

54
00:03:49,847 --> 00:03:52,156
but we are facing
an extremely dangerous situation here.

55
00:03:52,247 --> 00:03:56,559
Surely it's our duty to inform London that
invasion is imminent and request instructions.

56
00:03:56,647 --> 00:03:58,478
-I'll be honest with you, Witty.
-Sir?

57
00:03:58,567 --> 00:04:00,205
I don't like you.

58
00:04:01,047 --> 00:04:04,244
-Why not, sir?
-Because you're a troublemaker, that's why, Witty.

59
00:04:04,327 --> 00:04:07,444
-And because you think you know it all.
-No, I don't, sir.

60
00:04:07,527 --> 00:04:10,200
With respect,
we are paid astonishing amounts of money,

61
00:04:10,287 --> 00:04:14,963
given servants, wine cellars,
automatic knighthoods and fantastic privileges,

62
00:04:15,047 --> 00:04:17,845
just so that when moments like this arise,
we will be able to avert war.

63
00:04:17,927 --> 00:04:19,246
That is our one function.

64
00:04:19,327 --> 00:04:23,923
And we owe it to
the peoples of the world to start
earning our money and actually do something.

65
00:04:24,007 --> 00:04:26,919
-A pretty speech, Witty.
-Well, thank you, sir.

66
00:04:27,007 --> 00:04:30,079
-Pretty and extremely convincing.
-Thank you very much, sir.

67
00:04:30,167 --> 00:04:34,479
The Victoria Club at Rassan holds
a public speaking competition every April.

68
00:04:34,567 --> 00:04:37,559
The first prize is only a silver cup,
but I think I might enter you.

69
00:04:37,647 --> 00:04:41,003
Sir, there is not going to be a Victoria Club
in 24 hours' time.

70
00:04:41,087 --> 00:04:44,079
-What are you talking about?
-It's right slap-bang next to the Sheikh's palace.

71
00:04:44,167 --> 00:04:46,681
In the event of war,
it's gonna be the first target, bound to be.

72
00:04:46,767 --> 00:04:49,679
Well, hell's bells, man,
this has got to be stopped!

73
00:04:49,767 --> 00:04:51,917
Who's the Foreign Secretary?
How do we get in touch with him?

74
00:04:52,007 --> 00:04:55,283
-We send a signal from the cipher room, sir.
-Cipher room? Where's that?

75
00:04:55,367 --> 00:04:59,155
-It's where we rehearsed The Gondoliers.
-Oh, that room, yes.

76
00:05:00,807 --> 00:05:04,482
Oh, yes, yes.
I'm very much a Daily Mail person.

77
00:05:05,727 --> 00:05:08,195
Well, I prefer it to a newspaper, really.

78
00:05:10,247 --> 00:05:14,320
In my dreams, I've played snooker
with Stephen Hendry,

79
00:05:14,407 --> 00:05:18,958
I've sung with Barbra Streisand
and I've been to bed with Anneka Rice.

80
00:05:19,207 --> 00:05:22,404
In reality, I've played snooker
with Barbra Streisand,

81
00:05:22,487 --> 00:05:26,116
I've sung with Anneka Rice
and I've been to bed with Stephen Hendry.

82
00:05:26,207 --> 00:05:29,279
Sometimes, life can be
even better than a dream.

83
00:05:31,487 --> 00:05:34,957
No, I can't stop, I'm afraid.
My wife is being towed away.

84
00:05:37,367 --> 00:05:38,482
Hello.

85
00:05:39,927 --> 00:05:42,122
Don't know if you recognise this.

86
00:05:42,207 --> 00:05:48,077
This is the ampersand we used in the
very first series of A Bit of Fry & Laurie.

87
00:05:48,967 --> 00:05:53,483
All those years ago, way back when, in what…
Nineteen eighty, let me think, seven.

88
00:05:54,087 --> 00:05:58,046
If you remember,
the words “A Bit of Fry” went on this side,

89
00:05:58,127 --> 00:06:00,800
and the word “Laurie” went on this side.

90
00:06:00,887 --> 00:06:03,082
'Cause an ampersand, of course, is a symbol,
isn't it?

91
00:06:03,167 --> 00:06:07,080
It's a sort of character
that can stand for the word “and”.

92
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:10,284
Now, ampersands, of course,
come in all shapes and sizes, don't they?

93
00:06:10,367 --> 00:06:13,200
And I think I'm right in saying
that Hugh has a whole tabletop full of them.

94
00:06:13,287 --> 00:06:15,881
-Isn't that right, Hugh?
-That's absolutely right, Stephen, yes.

95
00:06:15,967 --> 00:06:19,164
Now, this one here for example,
we're very excited about.

96
00:06:19,247 --> 00:06:21,203
This one has been lent to us from America,

97
00:06:21,287 --> 00:06:24,757
where it was used in all five series
of Cagney & Lacey.

98
00:06:25,327 --> 00:06:30,003
This is now permanently housed
in the Whitgift Ampersand Museum in Vermont.

99
00:06:30,087 --> 00:06:32,920
And… Now, what about this one here?
This slippery fellow.

100
00:06:33,007 --> 00:06:35,441
I wonder if you recognise this. Yeah? No?

101
00:06:35,527 --> 00:06:39,315
Well, this was used in the second series only,
I think I'm right in saying,

102
00:06:39,407 --> 00:06:42,843
of a programme called Food & Drink,
starring, of course, Chris Kelly

103
00:06:42,927 --> 00:06:44,997
and produced by Peter Bazalgette.

104
00:06:45,087 --> 00:06:47,965
-Of course, there are lots more, as you can see.
-Well, that's right.

105
00:06:48,047 --> 00:06:50,197
Of course, it may surprise you to know

106
00:06:50,287 --> 00:06:53,199
that you could well own an ampersand
of your very own.

107
00:06:53,287 --> 00:06:56,199
If you have a computer
or old-fashioned typewriter,

108
00:06:56,287 --> 00:07:00,678
you'll find you've probably got an ampersand
just above the number seven on your keyboard.

109
00:07:00,767 --> 00:07:03,406
But, please, do remember,
if you want to print it out,

110
00:07:03,487 --> 00:07:06,081
always press the shift button as well.

111
00:07:06,247 --> 00:07:08,556
-All right?
-Until then, goodbye…

112
00:07:09,607 --> 00:07:10,801
…good luck.

113
00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:21,077
Gentlemen, I believe you both know
the purpose of this meeting.

114
00:07:21,167 --> 00:07:24,682
Thank you, Mr Tollerby, but the circumstances
of our meeting are well known to us.

115
00:07:24,767 --> 00:07:26,644
There is no need of further explanation.

116
00:07:26,727 --> 00:07:30,925
-Aye, let us be about the business.
-The business! Let us be about it.

117
00:07:31,007 --> 00:07:32,042
Very well, gentlemen.

118
00:07:32,127 --> 00:07:35,199
Let us be in the business
of going about the business.

119
00:07:35,287 --> 00:07:37,926
-Very well, then.
-In hand.

120
00:07:38,087 --> 00:07:41,238
Aye, the business in hand.

121
00:07:41,327 --> 00:07:45,036
So be it.
Sir David, I understand the choice is yours.

122
00:07:45,127 --> 00:07:47,083
-Sword or pistol?
-Sword.

123
00:07:47,447 --> 00:07:50,200
-As you wish.
-It is the only weapon for a gentleman.

124
00:07:50,287 --> 00:07:51,561
Just so.

125
00:07:51,647 --> 00:07:55,606
That means, Mr Van Hoyle,
that you have the pistol.

126
00:07:55,687 --> 00:07:57,040
Why, thank you, sir.

127
00:07:57,127 --> 00:07:59,687
Now, gentlemen,
when you're both braced and ready,

128
00:07:59,767 --> 00:08:03,362
-I shall drop the…
-No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait a minute.

129
00:08:03,447 --> 00:08:05,358
-Is there something wrong, Sir David?
-Well…

130
00:08:05,447 --> 00:08:07,199
Quick, man. The hour grows late.

131
00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:10,723
Well, it's just that I sort of assumed,
you know, when you said sword or pistol,

132
00:08:10,807 --> 00:08:13,196
that we'd both have the same one.

133
00:08:13,447 --> 00:08:15,563
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm not with you.

134
00:08:15,647 --> 00:08:18,605
Well, it's just that, you know,
I said “sword” thinking that would mean

135
00:08:18,687 --> 00:08:20,086
we would both have a sword.

136
00:08:21,727 --> 00:08:23,126
Oh, I see.

137
00:08:23,687 --> 00:08:24,915
-Well, it's a…
-Yes.

138
00:08:25,007 --> 00:08:27,567
The thing is,
I only brought one of each, unfortunately.

139
00:08:27,647 --> 00:08:28,875
Oh, shit.

140
00:08:28,967 --> 00:08:31,162
-I mean, I'm sorry to make a fuss…
-No, no, no.

141
00:08:31,247 --> 00:08:33,556
-I quite take your point.
-No, no, no.

142
00:08:34,527 --> 00:08:36,643
Well, I wonder if there is anywhere
we could get a sword.

143
00:08:36,727 --> 00:08:39,878
Oh, excuse me, you wouldn't happen
to have a sword on you, would you?

144
00:08:39,967 --> 00:08:41,195
Twenty past seven.

145
00:08:43,327 --> 00:08:46,637
-Damn.
-Well, we're stitched, aren't we?

146
00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:50,322
How would it be if Mr Van Hoyle
were to take the pistol,

147
00:08:50,407 --> 00:08:52,398
but promise not to fire it?

148
00:08:54,087 --> 00:08:57,159
Oh, you mean…
Ah, you mean use the pistol
as if it were a sword?

149
00:08:57,247 --> 00:08:59,044
Exactly.
-Suits me.

150
00:08:59,127 --> 00:09:01,846
-Hang on.
-Is that…?

151
00:09:01,927 --> 00:09:05,761
Look, I mean, it wouldn't cut anything.
It's blunt. See? Nothing.

152
00:09:05,847 --> 00:09:08,998
-Well, it stings.
-Oh, it stings? Yeah, well, it may sting,

153
00:09:09,087 --> 00:09:11,806
-but it's not the same, is it, as a sword?
-Just a thought.

154
00:09:11,887 --> 00:09:13,161
A crap one, if I may say so.

155
00:09:13,247 --> 00:09:17,286
No, you see… No, no. What we need is
something that we've got two of.

156
00:09:17,367 --> 00:09:19,323
I've got two brothers. No.

157
00:09:19,407 --> 00:09:21,557
Oh, I'll tell you what. Ha, matches.

158
00:09:21,647 --> 00:09:24,400
-What, you mean set fire to each other?
-Well, it's better than nothing.

159
00:09:24,487 --> 00:09:27,638
-Oh, no. I've only got one left.
-Oh, piddle.

160
00:09:28,487 --> 00:09:32,366
Bear with me.
I have one last idea up my sleeve.

161
00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:34,802
-What, a handkerchief?
-No, Sir David.

162
00:09:35,567 --> 00:09:37,398
Two handkerchiefs.

163
00:09:38,207 --> 00:09:43,156
Are you proposing that we duel to the death
with a pair of handkerchiefs?

164
00:09:43,247 --> 00:09:46,922
I realise it's not ideal, Mr Van Hoyle,
but at least it would be fair.

165
00:09:47,007 --> 00:09:51,478
It will take forever!
I have to be in town by 8:00 at the latest.

166
00:09:51,567 --> 00:09:54,764
-We haven't got anything else, though, you see.
-Oh, very well.

167
00:09:54,847 --> 00:09:58,556
-They better be clean, that's all.
-Scrupulously clean, I assure you.

168
00:09:58,647 --> 00:10:02,959
Now, gentlemen, when you are both
braced and ready, I shall drop the hank…

169
00:10:04,287 --> 00:10:07,836
-Oh, for heaven's sake.
-Arses.

170
00:10:08,727 --> 00:10:12,481
Yeah, people often ask
what we keep under our helmets.

171
00:10:12,567 --> 00:10:14,762
Well, I'll show you, all right?

172
00:10:24,047 --> 00:10:26,038
Some bastard's nicked it.

173
00:10:28,647 --> 00:10:32,720
EMF are good, so's KLF and OMD.

174
00:10:32,927 --> 00:10:34,565
ELO are crap.

175
00:10:34,647 --> 00:10:37,002
But the best is KLM. Do you know them?

176
00:10:37,087 --> 00:10:40,159
Oh, they're great.
Cheap flights daily to Amsterdam.

177
00:10:41,327 --> 00:10:44,478
Yeah, well, you might be interested
in this tie that I'm wearing.

178
00:10:44,567 --> 00:10:48,560
It was sent to me by some friends
in Nottingham. It's called a Triple R tie.

179
00:10:48,647 --> 00:10:52,117
And the Triple R is a club
for guys who've done three complete circuits

180
00:10:52,207 --> 00:10:56,803
of the Nottingham Ring Road
in the passenger seat of a Vauxhall Carlton.

181
00:10:57,487 --> 00:11:01,321
They've got about, well,
more than 200 members.

182
00:11:01,407 --> 00:11:05,320
And they have, you know, slide shows
and rallies and so on. It's a great club.

183
00:11:05,407 --> 00:11:08,604
And I'm very proud to be a member.
So, thanks, guys.

184
00:11:11,087 --> 00:11:15,763
If I had my druthers, as they say in America,
I should love to have met Oscar Wilde.

185
00:11:15,847 --> 00:11:20,443
He must have been a fascinating conversationalist
I should imagine he was very good in bed

186
00:11:22,327 --> 00:11:23,806
Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.

187
00:11:23,887 --> 00:11:27,357
We'd like to sing a song for you now,
but we can't.

188
00:11:27,447 --> 00:11:28,846
That is to say, my brother, Oren, can't,

189
00:11:28,927 --> 00:11:32,886
being as how he suffered a strange
musical accident when he was a boy,

190
00:11:32,967 --> 00:11:35,435
that caused lasting and everlasting damage.

191
00:11:35,527 --> 00:11:37,916
So, if it's all the same to you,
I'll sing the song

192
00:11:38,007 --> 00:11:42,558
and my brother, Oren, will just tap along
to the strange rhythms in his head.

193
00:11:42,847 --> 00:11:45,964
This song is called There Ain't But One Way.

194
00:11:46,807 --> 00:11:49,162
-Sing the song, Vern.
-I'm singing the song, Oren.

195
00:11:49,247 --> 00:11:51,477
Don't tell me to sing the song,
I'm singing the song.

196
00:11:51,567 --> 00:11:52,602
Sing the song.

197
00:12:02,527 --> 00:12:06,440
♫ Well, the world is facing problems
Getting bigger every day

198
00:12:06,527 --> 00:12:10,566
♫ We got a greenhouse over Texas
And recession's on the way

199
00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:15,198
♫ We got hunger in the third world
We got anger in the first

200
00:12:15,287 --> 00:12:19,166
♫ Half the world is flooding
And the other's dying of thirst

201
00:12:19,247 --> 00:12:23,877
♫ Although people tell you
That this planet's dying fast

202
00:12:24,367 --> 00:12:28,519
♫ Well, I ain't seen a problem yet
Can't be solved by kickin' ass

203
00:12:28,607 --> 00:12:30,563
♫ Kickin' ass
♫ Kickin' ass

204
00:12:30,647 --> 00:12:32,683
♫ Kickin' ass is what we do

205
00:12:32,767 --> 00:12:34,723
♫ Kickin' ass
♫ Kickin' ass

206
00:12:34,807 --> 00:12:37,526
♫ Iron foot in the velvet shoe

207
00:12:38,327 --> 00:12:43,162
♫ We don't care whose ass we kick
If we're ever all alone

208
00:12:43,247 --> 00:12:47,525
♫ We just stand in front of the mirror
And try and kick our own

209
00:12:50,527 --> 00:12:54,839
♫ Well, we kicked ass in Grenada
And we kicked ass in Iraq

210
00:12:54,927 --> 00:12:59,284
♫ We've kicked the ass out of the ozone layer
Now they say we gotta kick it back

211
00:13:00,047 --> 00:13:04,802
♫ We kicked the ass of cancer
And we'll kick the ass of AIDS

212
00:13:05,287 --> 00:13:09,485
♫ And as for global warming
We'll just kick ass wearing shades

213
00:13:09,567 --> 00:13:11,637
♫ Kickin' ass
♫ Kickin' ass

214
00:13:11,807 --> 00:13:13,718
♫ Kickin' ass is what we do

215
00:13:13,807 --> 00:13:15,843
♫ Kickin' ass
♫ Kickin' ass

216
00:13:15,927 --> 00:13:18,885
♫ Iron foot in the velvet shoe

217
00:13:19,447 --> 00:13:23,918
♫ We don't care whose ass we kick
If we're ever all alone

218
00:13:24,647 --> 00:13:29,118
♫ We just stand in front of the mirror
And try and kick our own

219
00:13:29,807 --> 00:13:34,278
♫ Well, you can move your ass and haul your ass
And busting ass is fine

220
00:13:34,367 --> 00:13:38,406
♫ And there ain't a better place to put your ass
Than on the line

221
00:13:38,487 --> 00:13:41,559
♫ But if you're like us

222
00:13:42,767 --> 00:13:43,802
Thank you.

223
00:13:43,887 --> 00:13:46,003
♫ And you won't take second best

224
00:13:46,087 --> 00:13:50,763
♫ You'll put your kickin' boots on
And kick like all the rest ♫

225
00:13:55,087 --> 00:13:56,406
Thank you. Thank you.

226
00:13:56,487 --> 00:13:58,796
-Thank you so much.
-Sing the song, Vern.

227
00:13:58,887 --> 00:14:00,639
I sang the song.

228
00:14:00,727 --> 00:14:03,036
-Sing the song.
-I sang the song.

229
00:14:03,127 --> 00:14:04,685
Sing the song, Vern.

230
00:14:06,007 --> 00:14:08,885
I think animal testing is a terrible idea.

231
00:14:08,967 --> 00:14:11,527
They get all nervous and give silly answers.

232
00:14:13,607 --> 00:14:16,679
Yeah, you know, it's a pity you couldn't
make it down to that club the other night.

233
00:14:16,767 --> 00:14:20,282
-What, to Shaggers?
-Yeah, that is a cracking club, that. Cracking.

234
00:14:20,367 --> 00:14:23,677
I mean, the crumpet there is first-rate.
I mean, excellent. Absolutely excellent.

235
00:14:23,767 --> 00:14:25,917
Yeah, I'd heard the crumpet
was pretty top-drawer stuff.

236
00:14:26,007 --> 00:14:27,963
-It was excellent. It was absolutely excellent.
-Yeah.

237
00:14:28,047 --> 00:14:29,605
'Cause you're, what?
A gold member there, are you?

238
00:14:29,687 --> 00:14:30,836
What, at Shaggers? Platinum.

239
00:14:30,927 --> 00:14:32,326
-Oh, platinum?
-Yeah, yeah.

240
00:14:32,407 --> 00:14:34,637
'Cause I just got my membership through
for Screwers.

241
00:14:34,727 --> 00:14:37,321
-Really? Platinum?
-No, no, diamond with strontium edging.

242
00:14:37,407 --> 00:14:39,557
Oh, that's excellent. Absolutely excellent.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

243
00:14:39,647 --> 00:14:42,605
Excuse me, I'm trying to get
some petrol out of pump number four.

244
00:14:42,605 --> 00:14:43,587
Yup.

245
00:14:43,987 --> 00:14:46,760
Well, it doesn't seem to work, can you…
Hold on.

246
00:14:46,847 --> 00:14:48,644
Don't I know you two from somewhere?

247
00:14:48,727 --> 00:14:51,719
I don't believe I've had the pleasure, no.
Have you had the pleasure, Simon?

248
00:14:51,807 --> 00:14:54,844
Don't believe I've had the pleasure
of having the pleasure, Nick, no.

249
00:14:54,927 --> 00:14:57,202
Didn't you used to be estate agents?

250
00:14:57,287 --> 00:14:58,356
Erm…

251
00:14:58,447 --> 00:15:02,599
You did. You were estate agents at…
Where was it? Oh, Wilson and Routledge.

252
00:15:02,687 --> 00:15:05,360
Well, yeah, we did at one point
dabble in the property game, yeah.

253
00:15:05,447 --> 00:15:07,677
-Yeah, it is a game, isn't it?
-Oh, it's a game.

254
00:15:07,767 --> 00:15:09,723
Yeah, I mean, the stakes are high,
not everyone can take it.

255
00:15:09,807 --> 00:15:11,001
But it's a game nonetheless, yeah.

256
00:15:11,087 --> 00:15:14,204
-And now you're running a petrol station?
-Now we're in the petrol game, yeah.

257
00:15:14,287 --> 00:15:15,640
-And it is a game.
-Yeah.

258
00:15:15,727 --> 00:15:18,116
Well, do you mind moving into
the switching-on-pump-number-four game,

259
00:15:18,207 --> 00:15:19,401
'cause I'm in a bit of a hurry?

260
00:15:19,487 --> 00:15:23,526
Yes, do you mind me asking you, first of all,
how much you're thinking of spending?

261
00:15:23,607 --> 00:15:24,722
I beg your pardon?

262
00:15:24,807 --> 00:15:28,959
Yeah, my colleague is trying to focus in
on your idea of a sort of spending bracket.

263
00:15:29,047 --> 00:15:32,562
Look, I just want some petrol
out of pump number four.

264
00:15:32,647 --> 00:15:34,638
-Yeah, that will be the Super Plus?
-Yes.

265
00:15:34,727 --> 00:15:36,319
-Right. Er, Simon?
-Nick?

266
00:15:36,407 --> 00:15:38,682
Details on the Super Plus.
Lady's in a bit of a hurry.

267
00:15:38,767 --> 00:15:40,883
-Right you be.
-My colleague won't keep you waiting.

268
00:15:40,967 --> 00:15:44,357
-Details?
-Super Plus, Super Plus… Here we are.

269
00:15:44,447 --> 00:15:46,597
Oh, yes. Yeah, here we go.

270
00:15:46,687 --> 00:15:52,125
“Super Plus, a fine, well-presented petrol,
conveniently situated in a pump,

271
00:15:53,007 --> 00:15:57,523
“in an increasingly sought-after octane range,
ideal for the professional person.”

272
00:15:57,607 --> 00:15:59,165
Yes, yes, and can I have some, please?

273
00:15:59,247 --> 00:16:01,636
Simon, have we got the keys
to pump number four?

274
00:16:01,727 --> 00:16:04,560
Oh, I'm not so sure about that.
There's been a lot of interest in Super Plus.

275
00:16:04,647 --> 00:16:07,798
Oh, great deal of interest. Yeah, we've had
several motorists in here this afternoon,

276
00:16:07,887 --> 00:16:11,436
-as a matter of fact, offering cash deals.
-Well, look, I'm offering a cash deal.

277
00:16:11,527 --> 00:16:13,802
I want £10 worth of petrol.

278
00:16:13,887 --> 00:16:16,845
-Yowza! Looks like the lady means business.
-Surely does, and then some.

279
00:16:16,927 --> 00:16:19,521
So, £10 worth of Super Plus
would be what, Simon?

280
00:16:19,607 --> 00:16:20,926
I'm on the case.

281
00:16:21,007 --> 00:16:23,601
-That'll get you two pints.
-Two pints?

282
00:16:23,687 --> 00:16:26,076
Yeah, that's what? £40 a gallon is it, Simon?

283
00:16:26,167 --> 00:16:29,477
-Right as you'll ever be, Nick.
-£40? For a gallon of petrol?

284
00:16:29,567 --> 00:16:31,876
-For a gallon of Super Plus.
-That is a top-drawer petrol.

285
00:16:31,967 --> 00:16:33,400
-Oh, it's excellent, absolutely excellent.
-But I…

286
00:16:33,487 --> 00:16:35,125
I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what.
Nick, do you mind?

287
00:16:35,207 --> 00:16:36,196
Carry on ahead.

288
00:16:36,287 --> 00:16:38,847
-The lady's obviously keen.
-I read the lady as keen myself, Simon.

289
00:16:38,927 --> 00:16:42,476
What's to stop me from ringing the owners and
asking if they'd be prepared to take an offer?

290
00:16:42,567 --> 00:16:43,795
What are you talking about?

291
00:16:43,887 --> 00:16:45,957
-Very unlikely, Simon.
-I'm not saying it'll work.

292
00:16:46,047 --> 00:16:47,560
-I'm saying I'll give it my best shot.
-Okay, then.

293
00:16:47,647 --> 00:16:48,636
Okay.

294
00:16:49,487 --> 00:16:50,920
Right, so…

295
00:16:52,127 --> 00:16:54,595
What does yourself do in the evenings,
I'm wondering?

296
00:16:54,687 --> 00:16:56,325
Oh, good question there from my colleague.

297
00:16:56,407 --> 00:16:58,841
Does yourself ever go down to Shaggers
in the King's Parade?

298
00:16:58,927 --> 00:17:01,646
-Or Screwers in Horley Street?
-No, I'm afraid not.

299
00:17:01,727 --> 00:17:04,799
That's a shame. Now, they're cracking clubs.
I mean, excellent, absolutely excellent.

300
00:17:04,887 --> 00:17:09,085
Yeah, hello, Mrs Mobil?
Yeah, Simon Flaccid here.

301
00:17:09,167 --> 00:17:13,160
Listen, got a lady in
seems to be interested in the Super Plus.

302
00:17:13,247 --> 00:17:16,796
Wonder whether you'd be prepared
perhaps to be flexible on the price?

303
00:17:17,767 --> 00:17:20,122
All right.
She's just gone to check with Mr Mobil.

304
00:17:20,207 --> 00:17:23,040
Presumably, you're hoping
for a more attractive price?

305
00:17:23,127 --> 00:17:25,277
-I was going to go for a more sensible price.
-Oh, good move, yeah.

306
00:17:25,367 --> 00:17:27,517
Go for a sensible price first,
then an attractive price later.

307
00:17:27,607 --> 00:17:29,757
-Yeah.
-I wouldn't mind if it was cheaper.

308
00:17:29,847 --> 00:17:32,077
Cheaper? Well, it's been a long time
since I've heard that one.

309
00:17:32,167 --> 00:17:34,203
-What's cheaper in new money, Simon?
-Beautifully priced.

310
00:17:34,287 --> 00:17:37,040
Beautifully priced.
Yeah, well, let's see what old Simon can do.

311
00:17:37,127 --> 00:17:41,518
Hello, yeah, Mrs Mobil? Right, yeah.
Oh, I see. Can do, yeah.

312
00:17:41,607 --> 00:17:44,519
Mrs Mobil is anxious to dispose of the property

313
00:17:44,607 --> 00:17:48,919
and she's prepared to let it go
for £1.95 a gallon, immediate sale.

314
00:17:49,007 --> 00:17:51,043
-Fine.
-Oh, lady says that's fine.

315
00:17:51,127 --> 00:17:53,516
All right, we'll be back to you, Mrs Mobil.

316
00:17:53,607 --> 00:17:56,246
-Right, can we get on with it?
-Yeah, let's fast-track this one.

317
00:17:56,327 --> 00:18:00,718
-What about an arrangement to view…
-Why don't we say Friday at 11:00?

318
00:18:00,807 --> 00:18:03,685
-No, actually, Friday at 11:00 is no good for me.
-Is it not? Well…

319
00:18:03,767 --> 00:18:06,361
No, I'm showing some first-time drivers
around pump number six.

320
00:18:06,447 --> 00:18:10,042
Well, it's gonna have to be
the arse end of next week, then.

321
00:18:10,127 --> 00:18:12,402
-The arse end's clean for me.
-Is it, is it?

322
00:18:14,367 --> 00:18:16,039
Because of the property slump,

323
00:18:16,127 --> 00:18:19,836
25,000 estate agents,
who were safely confined in offices

324
00:18:19,927 --> 00:18:21,997
have been forced out into the community.

325
00:18:22,087 --> 00:18:26,080
It's a dreadful situation,
but you can do something to help.

326
00:18:26,407 --> 00:18:29,524
£50 will get us an assault rifle or handgun.

327
00:18:29,807 --> 00:18:35,040
Even 50 pence will buy enough ammunition
to deal with a team like Nick and Simon here.

328
00:18:35,607 --> 00:18:37,837
So, please, give generously.

329
00:18:38,327 --> 00:18:43,037
In the meantime, I'm going to have to decide
which of these two to shoot first.

330
00:18:43,247 --> 00:18:44,475
Goodbye.

331
00:18:44,887 --> 00:18:46,036
-Bye.
-Bye.

332
00:18:47,727 --> 00:18:51,515
Hmm, jobs? Well, yes,
I've had a variety of jobs
since I came to London.

333
00:18:51,607 --> 00:18:55,202
I started off running
a mobile 24-hour discotheque

334
00:18:55,287 --> 00:18:57,642
for the St John's Ambulance Brigade.

335
00:18:57,727 --> 00:18:59,558
For when they have those big functions,
you know.

336
00:18:59,647 --> 00:19:01,444
They need a discotheque standing by,
just in case.

337
00:19:01,527 --> 00:19:04,405
We never need it, thank God,
but, you know, we were there.

338
00:19:04,487 --> 00:19:07,479
And after that, I set up as a freelance nudist.

339
00:19:08,447 --> 00:19:12,599
You know, odds and ends, weddings,
opening supermarkets.

340
00:19:12,687 --> 00:19:15,440
Did a lot of work for Securicor,
funnily enough.

341
00:19:15,527 --> 00:19:18,246
Er, then came the big nudist crash of '87,

342
00:19:18,327 --> 00:19:21,205
and I got out
and joined a removals firm in Notting Hill.

343
00:19:21,287 --> 00:19:25,758
We did a job for a Saudi diplomat
called Nigel Havers.

344
00:19:27,087 --> 00:19:30,762
So you can imagine the sort of stick he got,
having the same name as…

345
00:19:32,967 --> 00:19:34,559
Nigel Havers, that's right.

346
00:19:34,647 --> 00:19:37,115
Er, he was a nice enough chap.
We moved house for him.

347
00:19:37,207 --> 00:19:39,926
He wanted his house moved down
to the end of the street,

348
00:19:40,007 --> 00:19:41,804
as he said it was easier to park there.

349
00:19:41,887 --> 00:19:45,516
The funny thing was that we'd just finished it
and put the last slate back on the roof,

350
00:19:45,607 --> 00:19:48,075
and this Austin 1100 came
and parked right in front,

351
00:19:48,167 --> 00:19:50,806
so we had to move it all back again. But…

352
00:19:50,927 --> 00:19:52,838
Happy days, happy days.

353
00:19:53,207 --> 00:19:54,560
Then, erm…

354
00:19:55,207 --> 00:19:58,199
Let me see, I had a couple of months
in the white slave trade.

355
00:19:59,127 --> 00:20:01,482
On the selling side, I should point out.

356
00:20:01,567 --> 00:20:04,479
It was just, you know, telephone stuff.
Mostly mail order work, in fact.

357
00:20:04,567 --> 00:20:06,603
It was pretty dull,
but that got me my next job,

358
00:20:06,687 --> 00:20:10,077
which was as director
of pharmaceutical research for ICI.

359
00:20:10,687 --> 00:20:12,962
God knows why,
'cause I don't know anything about drugs.

360
00:20:13,047 --> 00:20:15,925
But I did do a pretty good interview.

361
00:20:16,607 --> 00:20:18,279
But they rumbled me, eventually.

362
00:20:18,367 --> 00:20:21,359
All I could think of to say was that
the pills ought to be oblong instead of round.

363
00:20:21,447 --> 00:20:23,563
And after a couple of years of that, you know,
they threw me out.

364
00:20:23,647 --> 00:20:25,285
Which was just fine with me,
'cause I needed a break.

365
00:20:25,367 --> 00:20:29,485
And I went and joined this group
of travelling loss adjusters.

366
00:20:29,767 --> 00:20:32,725
Because in the summer, you see,
there aren't many losses that need adjusting.

367
00:20:32,807 --> 00:20:35,446
And what they do is that
they go round the seaside resorts

368
00:20:35,527 --> 00:20:39,122
putting on loss-adjusting shows for children,
which was great fun.

369
00:20:39,207 --> 00:20:41,960
God, we drank a lot, though.
Those loss adjusters can stick it away.

370
00:20:42,047 --> 00:20:43,321
It's unbelievable.

371
00:20:43,407 --> 00:20:47,400
Then after that, I spent a couple of months
as Princess Anne's assistant.

372
00:20:47,927 --> 00:20:50,316
Well, I chucked that in because,
you know, it's perfectly obvious

373
00:20:50,407 --> 00:20:53,877
they were never going to make me Princess Anne,
no matter how well I did the job.

374
00:20:53,967 --> 00:20:57,084
And it was a question of who you were,

375
00:20:57,167 --> 00:21:01,285
rather than how well you did the job,
and I hate that. I just can't bear that.

376
00:21:03,847 --> 00:21:08,045
I was very shocked when my son told me
that his boyfriend was homosexual.

377
00:21:09,247 --> 00:21:13,035
Oh, yeah, I was in the hospital
when my youngest was born,

378
00:21:13,447 --> 00:21:14,960
having my appendix out.

379
00:21:16,367 --> 00:21:19,006
What do I think of John Major's leadership?

380
00:21:19,087 --> 00:21:20,236
I'd welcome it.

381
00:21:32,287 --> 00:21:35,882
Well, first, may I say what a privilege
this is for my company,

382
00:21:35,967 --> 00:21:40,643
and that I hope that this will be the start
of a long and fruitful European cooperation.

383
00:21:40,727 --> 00:21:42,558
-So, shall we begin?
-Mmm-hmm.

384
00:21:43,207 --> 00:21:45,846
Now, first of all, Mrs Carry Bannerchief…

385
00:21:46,487 --> 00:21:49,524
Tistrada mempot cloonystart,

386
00:21:49,607 --> 00:21:53,919
wesker memenchyfud,
billiant bolliant belliant,
Messi Carry Bannerchief.

387
00:21:54,527 --> 00:21:56,040
My company…

388
00:21:56,567 --> 00:22:02,199
Hip lokerbelly wimey wimey wimey
bobular custole fensefiper…

389
00:22:03,167 --> 00:22:04,282
…would…

390
00:22:05,967 --> 00:22:11,041
…stisterhar bababulan cotrotty… weethlethwisk…

391
00:22:12,167 --> 00:22:13,361
…like…

392
00:22:15,207 --> 00:22:17,675
…marpy fanholer crikerbomb

393
00:22:18,247 --> 00:22:21,080
yelymasterman incy gobtratter…

394
00:22:22,407 --> 00:22:26,320
…to tie up a far-reaching European deal
with your company.

395
00:22:27,527 --> 00:22:28,596
…te.

396
00:22:31,967 --> 00:22:33,878
But I hope you will agree…

397
00:22:34,247 --> 00:22:39,196
Wop bum bum bum bum bum bum bum
bum bum bum bum bum bum…

398
00:22:39,807 --> 00:22:42,765
…that the price must be fair to both parties.

399
00:22:43,287 --> 00:22:45,039
…linhakky tutular…

400
00:22:45,167 --> 00:22:46,361
Er…

401
00:22:46,807 --> 00:22:48,001
Problem?

402
00:22:48,087 --> 00:22:52,524
Well, it's just that
there's no such word as “price” in Strom.

403
00:22:52,927 --> 00:22:56,556
-Oh, well, cost?
-Not really.

404
00:22:56,807 --> 00:22:59,037
-Hinty pepapular?
-Fatcock.

405
00:23:01,487 --> 00:23:02,806
But you… Well, you must have a word

406
00:23:02,887 --> 00:23:05,003
for the amount of money
that is to be paid for something?

407
00:23:05,087 --> 00:23:08,284
Not really. There's “hifty bewn-hate”.

408
00:23:09,087 --> 00:23:10,679
Right, and what does that mean?

409
00:23:10,767 --> 00:23:15,283
Well, it means “price”
in the sense of “exploding vest”.

410
00:23:17,287 --> 00:23:20,996
There's no sense in which “price”
means “exploding vest”.

411
00:23:21,687 --> 00:23:23,757
Well, it's the closest we get.

412
00:23:24,647 --> 00:23:29,562
Well, all right, the exploding vest
must be fair to both parties.

413
00:23:30,047 --> 00:23:34,962
-Hifty bewn-hate. Hippy hap-wipe.
-Weethle-wisk prenty arse.

414
00:23:35,527 --> 00:23:37,757
-That would be perfectly sofa factory.
-Right.

415
00:23:37,847 --> 00:23:41,283
Well, all that remains
is the long-term contracts…

416
00:23:45,207 --> 00:23:46,686
Sorry, what's so…

417
00:23:49,087 --> 00:23:52,966
-You said, “Long-term contracts.”
-Yes?

418
00:23:53,047 --> 00:23:55,083
Yes, well, you see, to us that's very funny,

419
00:23:55,167 --> 00:23:59,604
because long-term contracts
is what you would call a wee-wee.

420
00:23:59,687 --> 00:24:00,676
Wee-wee.

421
00:24:01,207 --> 00:24:03,163
-Is it, really?
-Yes.

422
00:24:05,527 --> 00:24:06,755
Well,

423
00:24:06,847 --> 00:24:09,919
the long-term contract

424
00:24:10,727 --> 00:24:13,958
-for after-sales service.
-What?

425
00:24:14,607 --> 00:24:16,279
After-sales service.

426
00:24:19,087 --> 00:24:21,043
Fudd nob!

427
00:24:21,367 --> 00:24:22,516
Ow!

428
00:24:22,607 --> 00:24:26,395
-Well, I do apologise.
-What on earth did she do that for?

429
00:24:26,487 --> 00:24:30,560
Well, I think maybe Mrs Carry Bannerchief
wasn't so happy you should insult her.

430
00:24:30,647 --> 00:24:32,717
All I said was after-sales service.

431
00:24:34,327 --> 00:24:36,716
So you do speak Strom, after all?

432
00:24:36,807 --> 00:24:38,957
No, well… No. I mean, what does it mean?

433
00:24:39,047 --> 00:24:40,765
Well, it's very hard to define,

434
00:24:40,847 --> 00:24:44,044
but I could show you if I had a goat

435
00:24:44,127 --> 00:24:47,483
and four pairs of Marigold washing up gloves,

436
00:24:47,567 --> 00:24:51,276
and a very short billiard cue,
and a local radio weatherman…

437
00:24:51,367 --> 00:24:54,837
But that would only hint
at what the word means.

438
00:24:55,847 --> 00:24:56,882
Oh, dear.

439
00:24:58,047 --> 00:25:01,801
-Oh, well, what now?
-You said, “Oh, dear.”

440
00:25:01,887 --> 00:25:03,843
Well, what does “dear” mean?

441
00:25:05,127 --> 00:25:07,925
You really are cruising for a bruising.

442
00:25:10,727 --> 00:25:14,117
“Dear” is a very bad word to say.

443
00:25:14,207 --> 00:25:18,280
It means, in our…
Well, it means a sort of animal with wet noses

444
00:25:18,367 --> 00:25:21,040
and big, soft brown eyes and the antlings.

445
00:25:21,127 --> 00:25:23,561
And it's the worst thing you can call anybody.

446
00:25:24,207 --> 00:25:27,119
So, well,
I suggest we have a cooling-off period.

447
00:25:27,207 --> 00:25:31,803
You go and consult your principals.
I'll try and placate Mrs Carry Bannerchief.

448
00:27:17,367 --> 00:27:19,300
Any luck with Mrs Carry Bannerchief?

449
00:27:19,400 --> 00:27:22,157
No, I'm afraid she's inconsolables.

450
00:27:22,247 --> 00:27:24,681
Well, this is more than
a little embarrassing.

451
00:27:24,767 --> 00:27:27,600
I had hoped by the end of today
to tie up all the details.

452
00:27:29,167 --> 00:27:31,886
-How dare you!
-What now? I mean, what have I…

453
00:27:31,967 --> 00:27:34,276
-For goodness' sake.
-“Sake”?

454
00:27:39,567 --> 00:27:40,841
Careful!

455
00:27:43,607 --> 00:27:45,006
Mind my glasses.

456
00:27:53,487 --> 00:27:55,478
-Well, that's about it for this week.
-That's right.

457
00:27:55,887 --> 00:27:57,605
-Time, the old enemy…
-Oh, shut up.

458
00:27:57,687 --> 00:27:59,200
Right, I'm sorry.

459
00:27:59,927 --> 00:28:01,883
So, until we meet again,

460
00:28:01,967 --> 00:28:05,277
-it's good night from me.
-And it's good night from me.

461
00:28:05,367 --> 00:28:08,279
We're going to leave you
with tonight's cocktail recipe,

462
00:28:08,367 --> 00:28:10,881
A Slow Snog With A Distant Relative.

463
00:28:10,967 --> 00:28:13,925
For this, you'll need three measures brandy,

464
00:28:14,007 --> 00:28:17,238
two of dark rum,
one of white gin, one of yellow,

465
00:28:17,327 --> 00:28:19,522
a spoonful of crushed sugar puffs,

466
00:28:19,607 --> 00:28:22,758
two hard-boiled eggs and an open-toed sandal.

467
00:28:22,847 --> 00:28:25,042
Size nine, if you can get it.

468
00:28:25,127 --> 00:28:27,766
Please, Mr Music, will you play?

469
00:29:14,687 --> 00:29:15,915
Enjoy.

470
00:29:16,007 --> 00:29:17,679
-Soupy twist.
-Soupy twist.