1
00:00:36,407 --> 00:00:40,082
Hello, we haven't met. Terry Swale.
My wife tells me you're new to Yorkshire.

2
00:00:40,167 --> 00:00:42,681
Yes, that's right.
I'm a bit of a southerner, I'm afraid.

3
00:00:42,767 --> 00:00:44,325
Whoops. Can't have that.

4
00:00:46,767 --> 00:00:49,998
No, no. But my wife's family's
from Sheriff Hutton, though.

5
00:00:50,087 --> 00:00:52,647
Ah, well, there's some hope for you then, eh?

6
00:00:56,527 --> 00:00:58,324
I must say everyone seems very friendly.

7
00:00:58,407 --> 00:01:01,126
Well, you know, it's not all cloth-caps
and whippets up here.

8
00:01:01,207 --> 00:01:04,358
We have heard of avocados
and hot and cold running water.

9
00:01:07,087 --> 00:01:10,523
Hot and cold running water, that's priceless.

10
00:01:12,247 --> 00:01:13,965
-So, you live…
-Boroughbridge way.

11
00:01:14,047 --> 00:01:15,036
Ah, lovely.

12
00:01:15,127 --> 00:01:16,879
We got the Moors handy and the Dales.

13
00:01:16,967 --> 00:01:19,720
You know, in 10 minutes we can be
in York, Ripon, Harrogate. We like it.

14
00:01:19,807 --> 00:01:22,958
Mmm. Lots of good air and lovely walks,
I should imagine.

15
00:01:23,487 --> 00:01:26,001
-Yes, we have all got cars, you know.
-Well, naturally.

16
00:01:26,087 --> 00:01:28,681
-It's not all fell-walking and climbing boots.
-No.

17
00:01:28,767 --> 00:01:30,997
You should see some of the traffic we get
in Thirsk and Harrogate.

18
00:01:31,087 --> 00:01:32,122
-Really?
-Mmm.

19
00:01:32,207 --> 00:01:35,563
The pollution in Leeds can rival anything
you've got down south, we'd like to think.

20
00:01:35,647 --> 00:01:38,559
yes it can sometimes take me two hours
to get to work there's so many cars

21
00:01:38,647 --> 00:01:40,763
Yes, that can be terrible.
God, I remember when I was in London,

22
00:01:40,847 --> 00:01:43,156
I used to have to get everywhere by bicycle.

23
00:01:43,247 --> 00:01:47,286
Can't move for bicycles in Ripon.
Worst bicycle jams in Europe.

24
00:01:47,367 --> 00:01:49,198
Oh, really? Hmm.

25
00:01:49,287 --> 00:01:51,198
Still, the point is,
it's the quality of life, isn't it?

26
00:01:51,287 --> 00:01:54,359
It's a place to bring up your kids in.
Less of the seamier side of everything.

27
00:01:54,447 --> 00:01:57,405
We have heard of sex and violence, you know.

28
00:01:57,647 --> 00:02:02,084
We like to think that there are more
drug-related muggings, beatings and rapings

29
00:02:02,167 --> 00:02:05,682
in the vale of York
than anywhere outside Washington, DC.

30
00:02:05,767 --> 00:02:07,564
-See that woman over there?
-Yes.

31
00:02:07,647 --> 00:02:12,084
Sally Oldcastle. Runs the biggest crack kitchen
in the Northern Hemisphere.

32
00:02:12,167 --> 00:02:14,681
And what's more, she's not stuck up.

33
00:02:15,287 --> 00:02:18,245
-So, really, it's much the same as London, then?
-You said it, pal.

34
00:02:18,327 --> 00:02:21,683
Anything you've got down south we've got
more of at the Arndale centre in Ripon.

35
00:02:21,767 --> 00:02:26,158
And it's cheaper, and more expensive,
and you can't park.

36
00:02:26,607 --> 00:02:29,599
Hmm, I see. Right.

37
00:02:30,007 --> 00:02:34,285
Well, I must be on my way.
I think I'll just translocate myself home.

38
00:02:34,367 --> 00:02:36,403
-What?
-I'll just translocate myself home

39
00:02:36,487 --> 00:02:39,445
with this personal translocation podule.

40
00:02:39,527 --> 00:02:41,119
What the hell's that, then?

41
00:02:41,207 --> 00:02:43,323
Well, it's much the same
as a domestic translocation podule

42
00:02:43,407 --> 00:02:45,967
except you can wear it on your wrist.
That's the only difference, really.

43
00:02:46,047 --> 00:02:47,116
Yeah, what does it do?

44
00:02:47,207 --> 00:02:49,038
Well, I just punch in the coordinates
of where I want to go

45
00:02:49,127 --> 00:02:53,484
and my molecular structure disintegrates
and reassembles in my chosen destination.

46
00:02:53,767 --> 00:02:55,280
Hang on, hang on.

47
00:02:55,847 --> 00:02:58,486
-Wait, you mean like Star Trek?
-What?

48
00:02:58,847 --> 00:03:01,077
You mean, you go all wobbly and disappear?

49
00:03:01,167 --> 00:03:02,725
-My God!
-What?

50
00:03:02,807 --> 00:03:04,559
You mean, you haven't come across these?

51
00:03:04,647 --> 00:03:06,763
Oh, they're all the rage down south.

52
00:03:06,847 --> 00:03:10,920
Oh, yes. My daughter bought me this
at a petrol station, actually.

53
00:03:11,007 --> 00:03:14,522
It's just a Sinclair version.
You should see some of the Japanese ones.

54
00:03:14,607 --> 00:03:16,404
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

55
00:03:16,487 --> 00:03:20,480
If you've all got them things,
what do you need petrol stations for?

56
00:03:20,567 --> 00:03:22,205
Everlasting life.

57
00:03:22,527 --> 00:03:24,085
You must have heard that.

58
00:03:24,167 --> 00:03:27,318
Oh, yes. They discovered it
a couple of years ago in Southampton.

59
00:03:27,407 --> 00:03:31,082
If you drink a couple of pints of petrol,
you live forever.

60
00:03:31,167 --> 00:03:33,601
-Oh, yeah, we've heard of that. Oh, yeah.
-Have you?

61
00:03:33,687 --> 00:03:37,077
Oh, we drink petrol up here.
Live forever, we do.
Yeah, sometimes longer.

62
00:03:37,167 --> 00:03:40,921
Oh, I should hope so.
I'm just amazed you haven't heard of these.

63
00:03:41,007 --> 00:03:42,998
-Who said we haven't heard of them?
-Well, it's just…

64
00:03:43,087 --> 00:03:46,318
Bloody designed and built up here,
them things, you know.

65
00:03:46,407 --> 00:03:47,886
Oh, yeah, we've had them for years.

66
00:03:47,967 --> 00:03:49,559
-They've come and gone, as a matter of fact.
-Have they?

67
00:03:49,647 --> 00:03:51,683
Oh, yeah. It was a craze for a while.

68
00:03:51,767 --> 00:03:54,565
No, I'm just surprised to see someone
still using one of them.

69
00:03:54,647 --> 00:03:56,558
It's been bloody years
since I've seen one of them.

70
00:03:56,647 --> 00:03:58,558
Oh, would you like a go at mine
for old times' sake, then?

71
00:03:58,647 --> 00:04:00,683
Er, no, thanks very much, no.

72
00:04:01,327 --> 00:04:02,646
I had a couple of drinks, you know.

73
00:04:02,727 --> 00:04:06,276
Don't wanna get pulled over by the law
when your molecules are all over the place.

74
00:04:06,367 --> 00:04:09,165
Right. Well, I best be on my way, then.

75
00:04:09,527 --> 00:04:11,757
Still, nice to see you. Come on, boy.

76
00:04:11,847 --> 00:04:12,996
What are those, then?

77
00:04:13,087 --> 00:04:16,238
Cloth-cap and whippet.
They're all the rage down south.

78
00:04:20,047 --> 00:04:23,835
There was a pneumatic drill outside our house
all night last night.

79
00:04:24,167 --> 00:04:26,237
Fortunately, it wasn't turned on.

80
00:04:28,607 --> 00:04:30,837
“Love thy neighbour as thyself,” I said.

81
00:04:30,927 --> 00:04:34,203
“Surely, surely that's not too difficult
a commandment.”

82
00:04:34,287 --> 00:04:36,926
“Ah, well,” he said,
that's all very well for you to say.

83
00:04:37,007 --> 00:04:40,124
“But you don't live next door to Esther Rantzen
and Desmond Wilcox.”

84
00:04:40,807 --> 00:04:43,685
Er, no, I don't mind being interviewed, no.

85
00:04:46,167 --> 00:04:47,964
European federalism?

86
00:04:52,007 --> 00:04:54,202
You got any other questions?

87
00:04:55,567 --> 00:04:57,000
-Hello.
-Certainly.

88
00:04:57,087 --> 00:04:59,920
Well, as you can see,

89
00:05:00,007 --> 00:05:02,885
we've had lots of letters, erm,

90
00:05:02,967 --> 00:05:05,879
in response to our name quest.

91
00:05:05,967 --> 00:05:10,995
Yes, we know that most of you out there
have met people with amusing or unusual names.

92
00:05:11,087 --> 00:05:15,524
And so we asked you to send in
and write and tell us what names they were.

93
00:05:15,607 --> 00:05:17,837
Yes, and what corkers you've sent us.
Thanks so much.

94
00:05:17,927 --> 00:05:20,805
Yes, I've, for instance, got a letter here.

95
00:05:21,207 --> 00:05:23,357
“Dear Mr Fry and Laurie,

96
00:05:24,087 --> 00:05:27,716
“There is a man who comes
to wash my windows once a month

97
00:05:27,807 --> 00:05:30,526
“whose name is Jervillian Swike.

98
00:05:31,327 --> 00:05:33,318
“It always makes me laugh a great deal.”

99
00:05:33,407 --> 00:05:37,639
That was sent in by Mr Suckmaster Burstingfoam
of Ipswich.

100
00:05:40,567 --> 00:05:43,001
This is an absolute favourite of mine here.

101
00:05:43,087 --> 00:05:47,638
“Dear A Bit of Fry & Laurie,
I was at school with a boy called Donald Duck

102
00:05:48,127 --> 00:05:52,040
“and later went out
with a woman named Soilia Piffin.

103
00:05:52,767 --> 00:05:54,803
“Yours, Peter Cummin-Myear.”

104
00:05:56,727 --> 00:05:59,685
£5 on its way to you, Mr Cummin-Myear.

105
00:06:01,127 --> 00:06:02,196
Well, then here's another.

106
00:06:02,287 --> 00:06:04,881
“Dear 'A Bit of Fry & Laurie',

107
00:06:04,967 --> 00:06:08,403
“My wife's first husband was called
Simon Coggie.

108
00:06:09,447 --> 00:06:12,917
“I still split my sides
whenever I hear that stupid name.

109
00:06:13,087 --> 00:06:16,238
“Yours faithfully,
Frigmy Popplehate-Fresharse.”

110
00:06:17,207 --> 00:06:19,357
Well, absolutely tremendous
response all around.

111
00:06:19,447 --> 00:06:22,757
Thanks so much to those of you who
sent these in. Meanwhile…

112
00:06:44,087 --> 00:06:46,317
Big Ears to see Mother Goose.

113
00:07:00,927 --> 00:07:04,761
Alan, my dear boy. Glad you could make it.
Shan't keep you a moment.

114
00:07:04,847 --> 00:07:07,919
-No problem.
-Three or four buttons on the cuff, sir?

115
00:07:08,007 --> 00:07:10,805
Oh, I'm not really sure.
What do you think, Alan?

116
00:07:10,887 --> 00:07:13,037
-Three is plenty.
-You think?

117
00:07:13,127 --> 00:07:15,243
The lighter the cuff, the faster you move.

118
00:07:15,327 --> 00:07:17,602
Four is normal nowadays, sir.

119
00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:20,997
Hmm, well, tell you what. What about
three on the left, four on the right?

120
00:07:21,087 --> 00:07:22,202
Very good, sir.

121
00:07:22,287 --> 00:07:25,723
Now, I daresay you're wondering
why I asked you here.

122
00:07:26,367 --> 00:07:28,881
Well, I assumed you wanted a suit made.

123
00:07:30,127 --> 00:07:34,040
-Hmm. Alan, do you know why I asked you here?
-No.

124
00:07:34,127 --> 00:07:36,402
You're an outsider, Alan.
That means I can trust you.

125
00:07:36,487 --> 00:07:38,796
Excuse me, sir. Trousers?

126
00:07:38,887 --> 00:07:42,596
Oh, yes, I think so. Got to have trousers.
Look a complete arse without trousers.

127
00:07:42,687 --> 00:07:46,396
Yes, sir. Did you envisage zip or button fly?

128
00:07:46,847 --> 00:07:49,680
Hmm. Tricky one. Views, Alan?

129
00:07:49,767 --> 00:07:51,598
Personally, I'm a Velcro man.

130
00:07:51,687 --> 00:07:54,326
-Bit noisy, isn't it?
-Noisy but fast.

131
00:07:54,407 --> 00:07:57,444
By the time they've heard your flies,
it's a lifetime too late.

132
00:07:57,527 --> 00:08:00,166
Right. So, Velcro it is, then.

133
00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:04,365
Now, Alan,
I have a little theory I'd like to put to you.

134
00:08:04,447 --> 00:08:08,725
-I'm listening.
-The department is rotten. Rotten to the core.

135
00:08:08,927 --> 00:08:10,758
Am I ringing any bells with you?

136
00:08:10,847 --> 00:08:12,360
You're saying the department is rotten.

137
00:08:12,447 --> 00:08:13,960
-One other thing, sir.
-Yes?

138
00:08:14,047 --> 00:08:15,719
Which side do you dress?

139
00:08:15,807 --> 00:08:17,957
Nearest the window, usually.

140
00:08:18,687 --> 00:08:21,645
I want you to cast your mind back to Berlin.

141
00:08:23,487 --> 00:08:24,681
Problem?

142
00:08:25,007 --> 00:08:27,726
You told me to draw a line after Berlin, sir.

143
00:08:27,807 --> 00:08:29,877
Walk away and forget, you said.

144
00:08:29,967 --> 00:08:33,277
Yes, you had to leave
in rather a hurry, didn't you?

145
00:08:33,367 --> 00:08:35,005
I can't remember.

146
00:08:35,367 --> 00:08:37,722
-Ticket pocket, sir?
-What?

147
00:08:37,927 --> 00:08:41,522
-For the waistcoat.
-Ticket pocket. Ticket pocket. Ticket pocket.

148
00:08:41,607 --> 00:08:43,165
No, I don't think so.

149
00:08:43,247 --> 00:08:46,125
Hermoine and I don't seem to get out
to the theatre as much as we used to.

150
00:08:46,207 --> 00:08:47,640
Be rather a waste.

151
00:08:47,967 --> 00:08:49,559
Look, if you've hauled me all the way out here…

152
00:08:49,647 --> 00:08:53,003
-Now, calm yourself, Alan!
-…chicken tikka masala.

153
00:08:53,087 --> 00:08:55,681
There's reason in my madness.

154
00:08:56,927 --> 00:09:00,158
What do you know of Carl Albert Beiderbeck?

155
00:09:00,247 --> 00:09:04,843
Beiderbeck.
5′ 11″, medium eyes, blue build,

156
00:09:05,167 --> 00:09:07,476
father was a Romanian circus acrobat,

157
00:09:07,567 --> 00:09:10,320
did some courier work
for the Soviets in the late '50s,

158
00:09:10,407 --> 00:09:14,161
mother was a small business advisor
for the Midland Bank in Altrincham,

159
00:09:14,247 --> 00:09:19,321
a jujitsu, small arms, big feet,
fluent at the violin,

160
00:09:19,407 --> 00:09:22,285
distinguishing marks:
a small mole in his garden

161
00:09:22,847 --> 00:09:25,884
-I'm impressed, Alan.
-I've seen the file.

162
00:09:25,967 --> 00:09:29,482
Well, then you are one of the few people
in the department who has.

163
00:09:29,567 --> 00:09:31,637
-Meaning?
-Meaning,

164
00:09:32,247 --> 00:09:36,035
well, then you are one of the few people
in the department who has.

165
00:09:36,127 --> 00:09:37,276
I see.

166
00:09:37,847 --> 00:09:41,726
The Beiderbeck file went walkies six weeks ago.
It hasn't been seen since.

167
00:09:41,807 --> 00:09:43,684
Hence your rotten apple theory.

168
00:09:43,767 --> 00:09:46,804
No, hence my rotten department theory.

169
00:09:46,887 --> 00:09:49,276
I don't really have a rotten apple theory.

170
00:09:49,367 --> 00:09:52,325
-Who drew the file last?
-That's what I want you to find out.

171
00:09:52,407 --> 00:09:53,396
I'm begging your pardon, sir.

172
00:09:53,487 --> 00:09:55,796
Oh, no, you're not going to ask me
a question about turn-ups, are you?

173
00:09:55,887 --> 00:09:58,959
Oh, no, sir. About the Beiderbeck file.

174
00:09:59,047 --> 00:10:00,116
Yes?

175
00:10:00,207 --> 00:10:03,085
I was the last person to draw the file.

176
00:10:03,967 --> 00:10:04,956
You?

177
00:10:05,047 --> 00:10:08,437
Mr Beiderbeck wanted a suit made.
Said he was going on a trip.

178
00:10:08,527 --> 00:10:11,963
And where he was headed,
no one knew how to cut cloth properly.

179
00:10:12,047 --> 00:10:16,120
He couldn't come in for a fitting,
so I had to get his measurements from the file.

180
00:10:16,207 --> 00:10:19,358
Well, I'll be rogered with a stiff-wired brush.

181
00:10:28,567 --> 00:10:30,876
♫ Hey Jude

182
00:10:31,247 --> 00:10:34,319
♫ Don't make it bad

183
00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:37,235
♫ Take a sad song

184
00:10:37,567 --> 00:10:40,445
♫ And make it better

185
00:10:41,527 --> 00:10:46,078
♫ Remember to let her into your heart

186
00:10:46,807 --> 00:10:49,002
♫ Then you can start

187
00:10:49,567 --> 00:10:52,923
♫ To make it better

188
00:10:55,367 --> 00:10:58,484
♫ And any time you feel the pain

189
00:10:58,567 --> 00:11:01,718
♫ Hey Jude, refrain

190
00:11:01,807 --> 00:11:04,799
♫ Don't carry the world

191
00:11:04,887 --> 00:11:08,641
♫ Upon your shoulders

192
00:11:11,247 --> 00:11:14,364
♫ For well you know that it's a fool

193
00:11:14,447 --> 00:11:17,439
♫ Who plays it cool

194
00:11:17,527 --> 00:11:20,724
♫ By making his world

195
00:11:20,807 --> 00:11:24,322
♫ A little colder

196
00:11:25,047 --> 00:11:27,402
♫ La la la la la

197
00:11:27,487 --> 00:11:29,478
♫ La la la

198
00:11:30,127 --> 00:11:31,116
Come on, Jude!

199
00:11:31,887 --> 00:11:34,401
♫ Hey Jude

200
00:11:34,727 --> 00:11:37,525
♫ Don't make it bad

201
00:11:38,207 --> 00:11:40,880
♫ Take a sad song

202
00:11:41,007 --> 00:11:43,840
♫ And make it better

203
00:11:45,007 --> 00:11:49,364
♫ Remember to let her under your skin

204
00:11:50,047 --> 00:11:52,322
♫ Then you begin

205
00:11:52,887 --> 00:11:55,640
♫ To make it better

206
00:11:55,727 --> 00:12:00,323
♫ Better, better, better, better, better. Yeah!

207
00:12:00,407 --> 00:12:05,242
♫ Na na na na-na-na-naaa

208
00:12:05,847 --> 00:12:07,917
♫ Na-na-na-naaaa

209
00:12:08,007 --> 00:12:09,838
♫ Hey Jude

210
00:12:10,167 --> 00:12:11,316
Come on, Stephen!

211
00:12:12,487 --> 00:12:18,084
♫ Na na na na-na-na-na

212
00:12:18,567 --> 00:12:20,842
♫ Na-na-na-na

213
00:12:20,927 --> 00:12:22,485
♫ Hey Jude

214
00:12:23,167 --> 00:12:24,486
All right!

215
00:12:24,927 --> 00:12:30,877
♫ Na na na na-na-na-na

216
00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:33,362
♫ Na-na-na-na

217
00:12:33,447 --> 00:12:35,597
♫ Hey Jude

218
00:12:35,687 --> 00:12:37,166
One more time!

219
00:12:37,327 --> 00:12:43,163
♫ Na na na na-na-na-na

220
00:12:43,847 --> 00:12:46,566
♫ Na-na-na-na

221
00:12:46,647 --> 00:12:49,445
♫ Hey Jude ♫

222
00:12:53,847 --> 00:12:55,166
Thank you.

223
00:13:01,887 --> 00:13:05,641
I don't know if I ever told you
about the day I forgot my legs.

224
00:13:08,327 --> 00:13:09,840
I can't remember which day it was.

225
00:13:09,927 --> 00:13:12,395
It was one of the ones that happened in 1987.

226
00:13:12,487 --> 00:13:15,081
Can't recall which one exactly,
there were so many.

227
00:13:15,167 --> 00:13:17,886
In particular, there were
quite a lot of Tuesdays then, I remember.

228
00:13:17,967 --> 00:13:19,958
So I have a feeling
it may have been one of those.

229
00:13:20,047 --> 00:13:24,484
Anyway, I was on my way into work
with Sir Peter Thorneycroft, no relation,

230
00:13:24,567 --> 00:13:26,922
one fresh June morning in early May

231
00:13:27,007 --> 00:13:29,965
and we took the shortcut across the fields.

232
00:13:30,527 --> 00:13:32,757
I stooped, I recall, to pick a buttercup.

233
00:13:32,847 --> 00:13:35,919
Why people leave buttocks lying around,
I have no idea.

234
00:13:45,287 --> 00:13:46,959
The gentlest breeze

235
00:13:47,047 --> 00:13:50,357
and mildest camemberts
were packed in our hamper

236
00:13:50,807 --> 00:13:53,480
and all nature seemed to be holding its breath.

237
00:13:53,567 --> 00:13:55,637
We made good time by taking a back way

238
00:13:55,727 --> 00:13:58,400
across what was then
the main Corpusty to Saxmundham road.

239
00:13:58,487 --> 00:14:02,719
I was just remarking to Peter
how still and peaceful everything was

240
00:14:02,807 --> 00:14:04,798
when he suddenly agreed with me,

241
00:14:04,887 --> 00:14:08,482
and said how he thought
everything was still and peaceful too.

242
00:14:08,567 --> 00:14:12,765
You know how if you half-close your eyes
you can't see so well?

243
00:14:13,447 --> 00:14:17,360
Well, I just discovered that it was
equally true if you half-opened them.

244
00:14:17,447 --> 00:14:19,756
And I was pointing this out to him

245
00:14:19,847 --> 00:14:23,760
when I suddenly noticed
that I had completely forgotten my legs.

246
00:14:24,247 --> 00:14:26,920
Well, we had to go back for them
and the moment was spoiled

247
00:14:27,007 --> 00:14:31,797
and three years later, almost to the decade,
Margaret Thatcher was hounded from office.

248
00:14:32,167 --> 00:14:37,002
I sometimes muse on what might have happened
if I had forgotten my ears, as well.

249
00:14:37,207 --> 00:14:40,483
Never go back, ladies and gentlemen,
never go back.

250
00:14:43,487 --> 00:14:46,797
I cried the day Margaret Thatcher resigned.

251
00:14:46,887 --> 00:14:49,162
I cried and cried and cried.

252
00:14:49,247 --> 00:14:51,841
And then my husband and I,
and I remember this very clearly,

253
00:14:51,927 --> 00:14:56,443
we went out into the garden and we
slaughtered a goat in a ritual sacrifice.

254
00:15:01,047 --> 00:15:05,006
-Ah, Terry, Terry, Terry, thanks for dropping by.
-No problem.

255
00:15:05,087 --> 00:15:06,566
You got my memo, I take it?

256
00:15:06,647 --> 00:15:08,285
-The one asking me to drop by?
-That's the one.

257
00:15:08,367 --> 00:15:10,597
-Yeah. Got it this morning.
-Excellent.

258
00:15:10,687 --> 00:15:13,645
-Er, you got mine, hopefully?
-Yours? No, I don't think I did.

259
00:15:13,727 --> 00:15:16,446
-It's not important. It just said I would drop by.
-Ah.

260
00:15:16,527 --> 00:15:20,202
I expect it's in my “in” tray.
I think Carol's probably dealt with it.

261
00:15:20,287 --> 00:15:23,916
-How is Carol, by the way?
-Carol? Er, hang on a sec.

262
00:15:24,527 --> 00:15:26,279
-Carol?
-Yes.

263
00:15:26,407 --> 00:15:28,523
-How are you?
-Fine, thank you.

264
00:15:28,607 --> 00:15:30,438
-She's fine.
-Oh, good.

265
00:15:30,527 --> 00:15:32,882
I thought she was but I didn't have
the paperwork in front of me.

266
00:15:32,967 --> 00:15:35,800
-Anyway, worth checking.
-Absolutely.

267
00:15:36,007 --> 00:15:39,044
Now, Terry, Terry, Terry.

268
00:15:40,087 --> 00:15:43,557
Terry, would you mind if I just went over
a small recap of your career here.

269
00:15:43,647 --> 00:15:44,762
No problem.

270
00:15:44,847 --> 00:15:48,681
Right. Now, you've been with this company for,
well, getting on for three years.

271
00:15:48,767 --> 00:15:50,120
Seven, actually.

272
00:15:50,287 --> 00:15:52,847
Seven? Well, I've got three written down here.

273
00:15:52,927 --> 00:15:56,442
Well, thanks for putting me right on that.
Right. Nearly seven years.

274
00:15:56,527 --> 00:15:59,803
And how would you describe your duties with us
here in that time?

275
00:15:59,887 --> 00:16:01,206
Well, as personnel manager,

276
00:16:01,287 --> 00:16:04,279
I guess it's been down to me
to look after the hiring and firing round here.

277
00:16:04,367 --> 00:16:06,198
-Hiring and…
-Firing.

278
00:16:06,527 --> 00:16:09,041
Firing. Firing. Firing.

279
00:16:09,807 --> 00:16:11,320
Two “F's” in “firing”?

280
00:16:11,687 --> 00:16:14,724
-No, just one. Mmm-hmm.
-Just one? Oh, yes.

281
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:19,005
Yes, now that I look at it, it looks
silly with two, doesn't it? Yes. Firing.

282
00:16:19,087 --> 00:16:23,285
Of course, by firing I take it you don't mean
rifles or anything of that sort, do you?

283
00:16:23,367 --> 00:16:26,086
No. You mean sacking or dismissing employees.

284
00:16:26,167 --> 00:16:29,603
That's right, yeah. Although a rifle
would come in handy every now and then.

285
00:16:29,687 --> 00:16:31,598
Would it?
My dear fellow, you should have said.

286
00:16:32,167 --> 00:16:33,156
Not really.

287
00:16:33,247 --> 00:16:36,478
I've also given courses of instruction
to senior management.

288
00:16:36,567 --> 00:16:38,603
-In how to fire people.
-That's right.

289
00:16:38,687 --> 00:16:40,757
Well, believe me, Terry,
this company is immensely grateful

290
00:16:40,847 --> 00:16:43,202
for all the guidance you've given us
in senior management

291
00:16:43,287 --> 00:16:47,599
on how to fire, sack
and dismiss employees from their jobs.

292
00:16:47,687 --> 00:16:49,518
Well, I aim to please.

293
00:16:49,927 --> 00:16:52,202
Aim to please. Fire to please.

294
00:16:52,287 --> 00:16:54,039
That's it. You know, that's very good.

295
00:16:55,127 --> 00:16:58,164
Now, Terry, I have a problem.

296
00:16:58,447 --> 00:16:59,516
Fire away.

297
00:16:59,807 --> 00:17:04,483
Ha…ha…ha…ha…ha.

298
00:17:05,167 --> 00:17:09,365
Yes. Terry, supposing there was someone
I wanted to fire.

299
00:17:09,527 --> 00:17:12,883
Well, you know,
I always advise directness and candour.

300
00:17:12,967 --> 00:17:14,480
Directness and…

301
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:16,444
-Two “S's” in “directness”?
-That's right.

302
00:17:16,527 --> 00:17:20,679
I start off with a brief recap of their career,
how long they've held their current job.

303
00:17:20,767 --> 00:17:21,961
Done that.

304
00:17:22,047 --> 00:17:26,245
And then go on to tell them directly
and candidly that they're fired.

305
00:17:26,327 --> 00:17:27,885
-Just like that?
-Just like that.

306
00:17:27,967 --> 00:17:30,800
So, sort of, “Terry, you're fired,”
would, you think, meet the case?

307
00:17:30,887 --> 00:17:32,718
-Absolutely.
-Oh, well.

308
00:17:32,807 --> 00:17:34,559
Terry, you're fired.

309
00:17:34,647 --> 00:17:37,286
-That's it.
-Hmm, hmm.

310
00:17:37,367 --> 00:17:38,959
-Terry.
-Yup?

311
00:17:39,047 --> 00:17:41,322
-You're fired.
-That's perfect.

312
00:17:43,047 --> 00:17:45,515
Yes. Terry, you are actually fired.

313
00:17:45,607 --> 00:17:47,757
No, no, you only have to say it once.

314
00:17:47,847 --> 00:17:49,678
-Ah, no need to repeat it?
-Best not to.

315
00:17:49,767 --> 00:17:51,678
Right, so having said, “Terry, you are fired,”

316
00:17:51,767 --> 00:17:53,997
you would ideally get up
and walk out of this building.

317
00:17:54,087 --> 00:17:55,520
-Sometimes.
-Sometimes?

318
00:17:55,607 --> 00:17:58,246
Sometimes, I might break down in tears,
beg you to take me back.

319
00:17:58,327 --> 00:17:59,555
-Oh, dear.
-I know.

320
00:17:59,647 --> 00:18:00,636
Well, we don't want that.

321
00:18:00,727 --> 00:18:03,844
Other times,
I might just get very quiet and nod.

322
00:18:04,047 --> 00:18:06,607
Well, that was more the sort of thing
I had in mind, I must say.

323
00:18:06,687 --> 00:18:08,917
It varies from case to case.
Depends on the individual.

324
00:18:09,007 --> 00:18:10,759
-What about you?
-Me?

325
00:18:10,847 --> 00:18:12,963
Yes, would you say you were
a nodder or a crier?

326
00:18:13,047 --> 00:18:14,924
Well, you never really know
till it's happening.

327
00:18:15,007 --> 00:18:16,326
I see. I see.

328
00:18:16,407 --> 00:18:17,920
I think I'm a nodder.

329
00:18:18,007 --> 00:18:20,680
A nodder. Right. Nodder. Good.

330
00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:22,516
-Terry.
-Yeah?

331
00:18:22,607 --> 00:18:23,835
You're fired.

332
00:18:23,927 --> 00:18:25,406
That's great.

333
00:18:26,847 --> 00:18:29,202
-Terry, you're fired.
-Just once.

334
00:18:29,567 --> 00:18:30,886
Yes, yes.

335
00:18:30,967 --> 00:18:33,879
And if the person you are firing
doesn't take you seriously?

336
00:18:33,967 --> 00:18:35,116
-Oh, well, that often happens.
-Does it?

337
00:18:35,207 --> 00:18:36,606
Often happens. The thing to do then

338
00:18:36,687 --> 00:18:39,440
is just to look them straight in the eyes
and tell them.

339
00:18:39,527 --> 00:18:40,676
I see.

340
00:18:40,967 --> 00:18:44,323
Terry, you're fired.

341
00:18:45,087 --> 00:18:47,681
Just like that. That's it. That's perfect.

342
00:18:48,367 --> 00:18:50,835
Good. Thank you. Yes.

343
00:18:50,927 --> 00:18:54,886
-So, well, is that all?
-No, there is one other thing, Terry.

344
00:18:55,207 --> 00:18:56,401
Perhaps you can help me out.

345
00:18:56,487 --> 00:19:00,116
I'm having the most terrible difficulty
firing somebody.

346
00:19:00,207 --> 00:19:02,960
-Mmm-hmm.
-I've done everything you've suggested,

347
00:19:03,047 --> 00:19:04,685
directness with two “S's”, candour,

348
00:19:04,767 --> 00:19:06,439
I've looked them in the eyes.

349
00:19:06,527 --> 00:19:09,599
Yeah, they just can't take it on board.
They can't accept that it relates to them.

350
00:19:09,687 --> 00:19:11,882
-That is very common. Very common indeed.
-Is it?

351
00:19:11,967 --> 00:19:14,720
If you like, just give me their name,
department. I'll take care of it for you.

352
00:19:14,807 --> 00:19:15,796
Terry, would you?

353
00:19:15,887 --> 00:19:19,084
Oh, that would be the most enormous burden
off my shoulders. How kind.

354
00:19:19,167 --> 00:19:22,204
-That's what I'm here for.
-Yes, I suppose it is, isn't it?

355
00:19:23,047 --> 00:19:24,958
So, love to Carol.

356
00:19:25,527 --> 00:19:28,485
-Maybe, catch you later.
-Possibly, possibly.

357
00:19:32,727 --> 00:19:34,160
You bastard!

358
00:19:35,447 --> 00:19:37,802
I thought you said you were a nodder.

359
00:19:39,727 --> 00:19:42,002
So, Emlyn, what happened next?

360
00:19:42,087 --> 00:19:43,884
Well, what's happened is that the lad,

361
00:19:43,967 --> 00:19:47,004
he's read the bit of paper
with his name on it, and…

362
00:19:49,807 --> 00:19:53,800
What I think is that the lad is…
He's gone back in,

363
00:19:53,887 --> 00:19:56,799
and the lad is… He's broke down in tears

364
00:19:56,887 --> 00:19:59,606
and the other lad, sitting behind the desk

365
00:19:59,687 --> 00:20:03,157
is giving him his hanky
to, you know, dry his tears with.

366
00:20:03,247 --> 00:20:05,442
-I see. So that's what you think happened.
-Yeah, that's what happened, yeah.

367
00:20:05,527 --> 00:20:08,917
-Yeah, you think he came in, broke down in tears…
-Yeah, he gives him a hanky, yeah.

368
00:20:09,007 --> 00:20:10,156
-That's your answer?
-Yeah.

369
00:20:10,247 --> 00:20:12,442
-You don't want to change your mind?
-No, that is definitely what happened.

370
00:20:12,527 --> 00:20:15,599
So you think he came in, broke down in tears,

371
00:20:15,687 --> 00:20:18,121
was then given a handkerchief
with which he wiped his face?

372
00:20:18,207 --> 00:20:20,243
-That's what happened.
-That's what you think happened next?

373
00:20:20,327 --> 00:20:21,726
-Yes!
-And you don't want to change your mind?

374
00:20:21,807 --> 00:20:23,081
No, that is what happened.

375
00:20:23,167 --> 00:20:25,158
-You're sticking to that answer. I see.
-Yes!

376
00:20:25,247 --> 00:20:29,923
Well, Emlyn, you are absolutely rrrriiiii…

377
00:20:30,007 --> 00:20:32,840
orrrriiiiorr…

378
00:20:33,687 --> 00:20:35,643
So, Emlyn, what happened next?

379
00:20:35,727 --> 00:20:39,003
-Well, he's… The lad's answered the question…
-Yes?

380
00:20:39,087 --> 00:20:41,396
…and then he's got so pissed off,

381
00:20:41,487 --> 00:20:45,036
because the host of the programme won't tell
him whether the answer is right or not,

382
00:20:45,127 --> 00:20:48,881
that the lad, what he's done is,
he's pulled out a gun, and he shot him.

383
00:20:48,967 --> 00:20:50,036
-He shot him?
-Yeah.

384
00:20:50,127 --> 00:20:51,196
-He shot him?
-Yeah.

385
00:20:51,287 --> 00:20:52,322
-He shot him?
-Yeah.

386
00:20:52,407 --> 00:20:53,965
-You think he shot him?
-He shot him.

387
00:20:54,047 --> 00:20:56,880
You think he's pulled out a gun
because he is so annoyed at not being told…

388
00:20:56,967 --> 00:20:58,764
-Yes! Yes!
-…whether his answers are right or wrong,

389
00:20:58,847 --> 00:21:02,601
that he's pulled out a gun
and he shot the host of the programme?

390
00:21:02,687 --> 00:21:03,961
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

391
00:21:04,047 --> 00:21:05,400
-You don't want to change your mind?
-No.

392
00:21:05,487 --> 00:21:06,602
-You think that happened?
-Yes!

393
00:21:06,687 --> 00:21:11,124
Well, Emlyn, you are absolutely rrrrriiiiiiiii…

394
00:21:14,327 --> 00:21:16,079
…absolutely right.

395
00:21:56,847 --> 00:21:59,520
£20? So I said, “I'll toss you for it.”

396
00:21:59,607 --> 00:22:02,246
And he said, “What would you do for £50?”

397
00:22:05,287 --> 00:22:08,723
Excuse me, you, er, you have got permission
to film here, do you?

398
00:22:08,807 --> 00:22:11,560
143, 143.
-Hold on a sec.

399
00:22:11,647 --> 00:22:15,481
-I'll put the answerphone on.
-Hello, PC-143.

400
00:22:15,567 --> 00:22:17,956
I'm afraid I'm unable to take your call
at the moment.

401
00:22:18,047 --> 00:22:20,766
-But if you'd like to leave a message,
-Now, the only reason I ask

402
00:22:20,847 --> 00:22:23,600
-please speak slowly and clearly after the bleep.
-is that we've had a lot of burglaries

403
00:22:23,687 --> 00:22:25,279
-Thank you for calling. Bye.
-with people pretending to be film crews

404
00:22:25,367 --> 00:22:27,005
and actually stealing Japanese bonsai trees.

405
00:22:27,567 --> 00:22:30,877
Shoe shop?
Well, there is one just round the corner.

406
00:22:30,967 --> 00:22:32,195
I should be careful, though.

407
00:22:34,167 --> 00:22:36,806
-Good morning.
-I beg your pardon?

408
00:22:36,887 --> 00:22:40,038
-I said good morning.
-Good morning to you, sir.

409
00:22:40,127 --> 00:22:42,516
Mr Dalliard, we have a gentleman in the shop.

410
00:22:42,607 --> 00:22:46,566
I have parried his opening remark,
and we are now having a pleasant conversation.

411
00:22:46,647 --> 00:22:49,719
Mr Dalliard will be joining us
as soon as is likely.

412
00:22:50,127 --> 00:22:51,480
Well, indeed, sir. Good morning.

413
00:22:51,567 --> 00:22:54,445
Though of course, one says good morning,
does one not, Mr…

414
00:22:54,527 --> 00:22:57,644
-Pardoe.
-One says good morning, does one not, Mr Jowett?

415
00:22:57,727 --> 00:23:00,958
But, in fact, if you were kind enough
to look outside the door,

416
00:23:01,047 --> 00:23:04,801
which is conveniently situated just over there,
for Christ's sake,

417
00:23:04,887 --> 00:23:06,764
you will see that it is
far from a good morning.

418
00:23:06,847 --> 00:23:10,123
It is, in fact, rather win… try.

419
00:23:12,047 --> 00:23:15,084
-Yes, I suppose it is rather.
-Very, very win…

420
00:23:16,647 --> 00:23:18,603
-Try?
-Indeed.

421
00:23:18,687 --> 00:23:23,317
So, from win… triness to you,
young Master Jowett,

422
00:23:23,407 --> 00:23:25,921
-how may we serve?
-Well, I was after a pair of shoes.

423
00:23:26,007 --> 00:23:28,680
Very well, I shall serve them first.

424
00:23:31,447 --> 00:23:35,838
No. I meant I am looking for a pair of shoes.

425
00:23:35,927 --> 00:23:37,121
-To buy?
-To buy.

426
00:23:37,207 --> 00:23:41,439
Mr Dalliard, the gentleman wants to buy
a pair of shoes.

427
00:23:42,087 --> 00:23:44,965
Really? Oh, what rotten, decomposing luck.

428
00:23:45,207 --> 00:23:47,846
Mr Dalliard tells me we have no shoes.

429
00:23:47,927 --> 00:23:49,918
I must say, you've got very good hearing.

430
00:23:50,007 --> 00:23:53,602
-I beg your pardon?
-Well, I couldn't hear your Mr Dalliard at all.

431
00:23:53,687 --> 00:23:55,962
-My Mr Dalliard?
-Yes, the fellow who was…

432
00:23:56,047 --> 00:23:58,163
-Oh, sir, I've confused you.
-Have you?

433
00:23:58,247 --> 00:24:00,841
Yes, I should make it clearer
than a Waterford bedpan

434
00:24:00,927 --> 00:24:03,600
that he is not my Mr Dalliard.

435
00:24:04,087 --> 00:24:07,079
He's everybody's Mr Dalliard.

436
00:24:07,287 --> 00:24:09,278
A gift to the nation, if you like.

437
00:24:09,367 --> 00:24:12,439
As much my Mr Dalliard as your Mr Dalliard,

438
00:24:12,527 --> 00:24:14,518
or, dare I say it, and I think I dare,

439
00:24:14,607 --> 00:24:17,599
Graham Gooch's Mr Dalliard.

440
00:24:17,767 --> 00:24:19,166
Graham Gooch?

441
00:24:19,247 --> 00:24:22,523
So it looks, sir, as if you've come
to exactly the wrong place.

442
00:24:22,607 --> 00:24:24,199
I advise you to leave by the door,

443
00:24:24,287 --> 00:24:27,723
which is still conveniently situated
just over there, for Christ's sake,

444
00:24:27,807 --> 00:24:31,322
walk 17 paces to your left
and turn into the small shoe shop

445
00:24:31,407 --> 00:24:35,605
that you will find next
to a branch of Finlay's, the tobacco people.

446
00:24:35,887 --> 00:24:37,320
You mean, this isn't a shoe shop?

447
00:24:37,407 --> 00:24:40,240
Good Lord and lots else besides,
no, Mrs Jowett.

448
00:24:40,327 --> 00:24:42,841
-But…
-This a place where people come

449
00:24:42,927 --> 00:24:46,920
to meet and talk privately
in an intimate, informal atmosphere

450
00:24:47,007 --> 00:24:50,886
with a view to a massage
or several rounds of sexual intercourse.

451
00:24:53,527 --> 00:24:55,483
-What?
-This is a place where people…

452
00:24:55,567 --> 00:24:57,523
You mean this is a brothel?

453
00:24:57,647 --> 00:24:59,842
I dislike the word “brothel”, Mr Jowett.

454
00:24:59,927 --> 00:25:01,519
I prefer the word “brothels”.

455
00:25:01,607 --> 00:25:04,075
Yes, this is a brothels.

456
00:25:04,847 --> 00:25:06,997
But what about the shoes?

457
00:25:07,327 --> 00:25:08,965
-Shoes?
-Well, these.

458
00:25:09,127 --> 00:25:11,561
Those are my prostitutes, Mr Jowett.

459
00:25:12,807 --> 00:25:14,126
Prostitutes?

460
00:25:14,487 --> 00:25:17,320
You mean people pay to have sex with these?

461
00:25:17,447 --> 00:25:20,120
Very much, of course, they pay, Lady Jowett.

462
00:25:20,207 --> 00:25:22,004
I am not a charitable organisation,

463
00:25:22,087 --> 00:25:25,636
much though the evidence may point
to my being reasonably tall.

464
00:25:27,167 --> 00:25:28,282
Lots of people?

465
00:25:28,367 --> 00:25:33,964
Ah. I fancy I detect a wrinkle of concern
in your otherwise smooth and tobogganable brow.

466
00:25:34,127 --> 00:25:35,719
Yes, your intimations are right.

467
00:25:35,807 --> 00:25:39,038
Business is not what it was,
it is not even what it is.

468
00:25:39,167 --> 00:25:41,965
It may not even be what it will be.
We shall see. If it…

469
00:25:42,047 --> 00:25:45,039
Mr Dalliard, I've started to talk drivel now.

470
00:25:46,807 --> 00:25:50,880
You mean to say, really, having sex with shoes.

471
00:25:50,967 --> 00:25:52,958
-Sir?
-Well, it seems very…

472
00:25:53,047 --> 00:25:54,799
-Very?
-Very…

473
00:25:54,887 --> 00:25:56,002
Very?

474
00:25:56,207 --> 00:25:58,198
-Well, very…
-Well, very?

475
00:25:58,767 --> 00:25:59,882
Oh, I don't know.

476
00:25:59,967 --> 00:26:03,164
Yes, it does. It seems very,
“Oh, I don't know,” doesn't it, sir?

477
00:26:03,247 --> 00:26:04,999
I mean if… I mean, this…

478
00:26:05,087 --> 00:26:09,239
Fredericka is perhaps the most popular moccasin
in this brothels, sir.

479
00:26:09,327 --> 00:26:12,046
-Well, I grant you the lining is very…
-£20.

480
00:26:12,127 --> 00:26:14,595
-What?
-You have just inserted your hand

481
00:26:14,687 --> 00:26:18,123
right into Fredericka's most intimate
interior partlets.

482
00:26:18,967 --> 00:26:22,039
You cannot be expected to do
such a thing gratis.

483
00:26:22,127 --> 00:26:24,322
-But I…
-£20.

484
00:26:25,167 --> 00:26:27,397
That's all I get for £20, is it? Just a feel?

485
00:26:27,487 --> 00:26:30,763
No, no, no.
If you were to go into the copulatorium thither

486
00:26:30,847 --> 00:26:33,202
with Fredericka and a partner of your choice,

487
00:26:33,287 --> 00:26:36,085
you can sauce her to your heart's con…

488
00:26:36,727 --> 00:26:38,638
-Tent?
-I see. Well…

489
00:26:40,087 --> 00:26:44,524
As I'm here, I suppose…
Yes, all right, I'll take this one.

490
00:26:45,007 --> 00:26:46,440
Sir, that is more than my job is worth.

491
00:26:46,527 --> 00:26:50,202
If you want that kind of thing,
I suggest you go to the Philippines.

492
00:26:51,527 --> 00:26:55,679
All right.
Well, I'll take Fredericka and this one.

493
00:26:56,127 --> 00:26:58,197
Very good, sir, Fredericka and Colin.

494
00:26:58,287 --> 00:27:00,960
-Through there. You have half an hour.
-Colin?

495
00:27:01,047 --> 00:27:04,437
I won't tell a soul, sir,
discretion is my middle letter.

496
00:27:06,447 --> 00:27:10,565
Mr Dalliard, we have a three-way.
Meet you at the peep-hole!

497
00:27:12,727 --> 00:27:15,002
Well, that's about it for this week.

498
00:27:15,087 --> 00:27:19,160
-That's right. Sadly the clock has beaten us.
-Oh, do be quiet, Hugh.

499
00:27:19,247 --> 00:27:20,316
Right.

500
00:27:20,927 --> 00:27:24,476
So, until we happen into each other again
in the corridor of life,

501
00:27:24,567 --> 00:27:27,604
-it's good night from me.
-And it's good night from me.

502
00:27:27,687 --> 00:27:29,882
And it's good night from me.

503
00:27:30,007 --> 00:27:33,363
We're going to leave you
with tonight's cocktail recipe.

504
00:27:33,487 --> 00:27:37,719
This one is called,
“Everything in the Till and No Sudden Moves”.

505
00:27:37,807 --> 00:27:40,560
You can have fun asking for
that in your local bar.

506
00:27:40,687 --> 00:27:43,804
And for it you need four measures of gin,

507
00:27:43,887 --> 00:27:47,038
rum, brandy, whisky, tequila,
Angostura bitters,

508
00:27:47,127 --> 00:27:49,038
and a sprint of orange juice

509
00:27:49,167 --> 00:27:52,318
and a pack of ordinary playing cards.

510
00:27:52,607 --> 00:27:55,201
Please, Mr Music, will you play?

511
00:28:42,847 --> 00:28:44,883
-Soupy Twist.
-Soupy Twist.