1
00:00:39,927 --> 00:00:41,121
Help you, chuck?

2
00:00:41,207 --> 00:00:44,995
Well, I don't know.
I don't know as if you can help me.

3
00:00:45,167 --> 00:00:47,681
Have you got any get well cards?

4
00:00:47,767 --> 00:00:49,962
Dozens, we've got dozens. Dozens, we've got.

5
00:00:50,047 --> 00:00:53,403
Oh, that's all very high and dandy,
but have you got one?

6
00:00:54,087 --> 00:00:58,319
You see,
it's me daughter's 21st, a week Friday.

7
00:00:58,407 --> 00:01:00,318
Oh, well you want a birthday card then, pet.

8
00:01:00,407 --> 00:01:02,921
Oh, I wish it were that simple, I do.

9
00:01:03,087 --> 00:01:05,396
No, it's just… Well, let me explain.

10
00:01:05,487 --> 00:01:09,275
My wife…
Well, she's me second wife, you understand?

11
00:01:09,367 --> 00:01:13,406
My first wife drowned in a mixed salad in 1978.

12
00:01:14,167 --> 00:01:16,601
My second wife is a younger lady.

13
00:01:16,687 --> 00:01:18,598
-Like myself?
-Like yourself.

14
00:01:18,687 --> 00:01:21,042
Yes, very like yourself.

15
00:01:21,207 --> 00:01:23,960
Slightly heavier beard-line, though.

16
00:01:25,247 --> 00:01:27,602
I've got a photo somewhere.

17
00:01:27,687 --> 00:01:28,722
Oh, lovely.

18
00:01:28,807 --> 00:01:32,197
Yes, but it's of the Bolton Wanderers reserves
playing away at Blackburn,

19
00:01:32,287 --> 00:01:34,278
so it's of no use.

20
00:01:35,367 --> 00:01:39,280
My second wife, you see,
she's a difficult woman, very jealous.

21
00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:41,961
She doesn't like to see younger ladies around.

22
00:01:42,047 --> 00:01:45,403
It reminds her that she's getting on herself,
you see?

23
00:01:45,527 --> 00:01:48,485
And as I say,
it's me daughter's 21st, Friday week.

24
00:01:48,567 --> 00:01:50,444
So, that'll be her stepdaughter?

25
00:01:50,527 --> 00:01:52,916
-Her stepdaughter, that's right, yes.
-Yes, yes, yes.

26
00:01:53,167 --> 00:01:57,080
Well, you see, it'll get her all in a bother
and remind her how old she's getting.

27
00:01:57,167 --> 00:02:00,239
Oh, well,
it's never easy being a stepmother, is it?

28
00:02:00,327 --> 00:02:04,366
Well, that's right, you see, so she'll have
a spasm, she'll have a jealous spasm.

29
00:02:04,447 --> 00:02:07,086
-A spasm?
-A spasm, she'll have one of her spasms.

30
00:02:07,167 --> 00:02:09,522
They can be nasty, them spasms, yes.

31
00:02:09,607 --> 00:02:13,725
Well, that's right, you see, that's why
I'd like a get well card, good and ready.

32
00:02:13,807 --> 00:02:16,082
Well, you know, we got one here.

33
00:02:16,847 --> 00:02:18,997
It's got a nice printed message.

34
00:02:19,127 --> 00:02:22,483
“Sorry about the varicose veins,
get well soon.”

35
00:02:23,767 --> 00:02:28,636
Oh, yes, it's grand that, it's lovely,
but I'm not sure as it's appropriate.

36
00:02:28,727 --> 00:02:31,116
Do they all have specific messages?

37
00:02:31,207 --> 00:02:34,882
Well, they do nowadays, yes.
It's the acid rain, I think.

38
00:02:35,847 --> 00:02:39,476
Now, let's see. Hold up, chucker-pet.
Oh no, this is more like.

39
00:02:39,567 --> 00:02:43,401
“Sorry to hear your teeth fell out
in the Arndale Centre.

40
00:02:44,127 --> 00:02:47,324
“All my love, Thomas.” Hmm?

41
00:02:48,007 --> 00:02:50,726
My, that is specific, isn't it?

42
00:02:50,807 --> 00:02:53,640
It is specific, doll, that's the charm.

43
00:02:53,727 --> 00:02:57,766
I see, I do see, but it's still not
quite right. Have you got anything else?

44
00:02:57,847 --> 00:03:01,237
Well, now then, how about a nice printed poem?

45
00:03:01,367 --> 00:03:05,804
“I'm right sorry to learn ya
Succumbed to another nasty hernia

46
00:03:06,207 --> 00:03:10,325
“You mustn't lift what you cannot carry
All the best, your grandson, Harry”

47
00:03:11,767 --> 00:03:13,519
I'll take that on the off-chance.

48
00:03:14,967 --> 00:03:16,195
What off-chance, duck?

49
00:03:16,287 --> 00:03:20,599
Well, on the off-chance that I change my name
from Fred to Harry,

50
00:03:20,687 --> 00:03:24,566
and me grandmother comes back to life
and has another nasty hernia.

51
00:03:24,647 --> 00:03:27,844
-I mean, you never know.
-Well, just as well to make sure, isn't it?

52
00:03:27,927 --> 00:03:30,043
But we must have something here
that meets your case, petty-love.

53
00:03:30,127 --> 00:03:32,083
Ah, now, look, here we go.

54
00:03:32,167 --> 00:03:35,637
“Where are your youthful years?
Your stepdaughter has 'em.

55
00:03:35,767 --> 00:03:38,201
“That's why you had such a dreadful spasm.

56
00:03:38,287 --> 00:03:42,246
“Hope you recover very quick.
Your loving husband, Frederick.”

57
00:03:42,527 --> 00:03:44,199
That's what you're after.

58
00:03:44,887 --> 00:03:48,163
Oh, what a pity. Oh, what a shame.

59
00:03:48,247 --> 00:03:51,045
I'm Alfred, you see, not Frederick.

60
00:03:51,127 --> 00:03:53,357
Oh, that is a shame, yes.

61
00:03:53,447 --> 00:03:56,996
-Oh, well, I'll best forget it.
-Well, I'll tell you what, in that case.

62
00:03:57,087 --> 00:03:58,440
Best take one of these from me then.

63
00:03:58,527 --> 00:04:00,643
Oh, hello, what's this?

64
00:04:00,727 --> 00:04:03,764
“Poor old Alfred, life is hard.

65
00:04:03,847 --> 00:04:07,078
“You tried to buy a get well card.

66
00:04:07,327 --> 00:04:09,716
“There wasn't one to meet your case.

67
00:04:09,807 --> 00:04:12,275
“Ever so sorry, much love, Trace.”

68
00:04:12,367 --> 00:04:15,279
-That's me.
-Oh, bless you, chuck.

69
00:04:15,567 --> 00:04:18,445
Well, it's the least I could do, dove pot.

70
00:04:21,567 --> 00:04:24,240
Hello, I'm Tony Inchpractice.

71
00:04:24,927 --> 00:04:27,964
Welcome to Photocopying My Genitals With…

72
00:04:28,807 --> 00:04:32,959
Tonight, I shall be photocopying my genitals
with Sir Alan Beaverby,

73
00:04:33,047 --> 00:04:35,402
one time Labour Employment Secretary,

74
00:04:35,487 --> 00:04:38,126
now an active member
of the International Orphans Trust.

75
00:04:38,207 --> 00:04:39,959
Good evening, Sir Alan.
Thanks for coming on the show.

76
00:04:40,047 --> 00:04:41,480
Good evening, Tony. Nice of you to have me on.

77
00:04:41,567 --> 00:04:44,639
Right, well, Sir Alan, the equipment is ready.

78
00:04:46,687 --> 00:04:49,247
-So, shall I go first?
-Yes, after you, Tony.

79
00:04:49,327 --> 00:04:50,362
Right.

80
00:04:50,447 --> 00:04:51,926
Now, Sir Alan,

81
00:04:53,487 --> 00:04:58,197
you recently retired from politics after
a quarter of a century in the House of Commons.

82
00:04:58,287 --> 00:05:00,357
Was that a particularly sad time for you?

83
00:05:00,447 --> 00:05:02,563
Well, naturally.
One makes a great many friends in politics.

84
00:05:02,647 --> 00:05:04,524
It was a great pity to have to
leave them behind, as it were.

85
00:05:04,607 --> 00:05:05,801
Right, right.

86
00:05:05,887 --> 00:05:07,878
Now, would you mind
pressing the buttons for me?

87
00:05:07,967 --> 00:05:10,845
No, not at all.
How many copies do we usually have?

88
00:05:11,247 --> 00:05:13,920
Well, one for each of us and one for luck.

89
00:05:14,007 --> 00:05:15,486
Fine, yeah, that's fine, yes.

90
00:05:15,567 --> 00:05:16,556
Right.

91
00:05:16,687 --> 00:05:20,885
Now, Sir Alan, in the late '60s
you suffered a particularly harrowing time,

92
00:05:20,967 --> 00:05:24,243
when it was suggested that you were involved
in the Dobro property scandal.

93
00:05:24,327 --> 00:05:26,682
Were you at all tempted to leave politics then?

94
00:05:26,767 --> 00:05:28,200
Well, naturally I was, yes.

95
00:05:28,287 --> 00:05:30,881
But my wife was adamant that I should stay on
and so I did.

96
00:05:30,967 --> 00:05:32,639
Right, and…

97
00:05:35,327 --> 00:05:38,000
Do you still keep in touch
with the political scene now?

98
00:05:38,087 --> 00:05:39,759
Oh, yes, I'm still very active
in my constituency

99
00:05:39,847 --> 00:05:42,680
and I like to drop into the House of Commons
visitors' gallery whenever I can.

100
00:05:42,767 --> 00:05:44,723
Right, right. Well, Sir Alan, your turn.

101
00:05:44,807 --> 00:05:46,081
Right.

102
00:05:47,127 --> 00:05:49,721
Would it be all right
if I did something slightly different here?

103
00:05:49,807 --> 00:05:50,842
I don't see why not.

104
00:05:50,927 --> 00:05:53,566
It's just I'd be more interested
in photocopying my bottom.

105
00:05:53,647 --> 00:05:55,285
I don't know if that's all right.

106
00:05:56,287 --> 00:05:59,438
I see no reason why you shouldn't do that.
Can we do that?

107
00:05:59,647 --> 00:06:01,319
Yes, yes, we can do that.

108
00:06:01,767 --> 00:06:03,598
Would you like me to hold anything?

109
00:06:05,087 --> 00:06:06,566
No, no.

110
00:06:06,647 --> 00:06:09,366
I'll just hop on here, if that's all right.

111
00:06:09,447 --> 00:06:10,800
Right you are, then.

112
00:06:10,887 --> 00:06:12,002
So…

113
00:06:12,207 --> 00:06:13,526
Three copies?

114
00:06:15,687 --> 00:06:18,918
Again, you know,
I don't want to go bucking the system,

115
00:06:19,007 --> 00:06:21,362
and making a nuisance of myself,

116
00:06:21,447 --> 00:06:24,280
but would it be all right if we had 100 copies?

117
00:06:25,207 --> 00:06:26,640
A hundred? Wow.

118
00:06:26,727 --> 00:06:30,481
Well, it's just, you know, I get a lot of
requests to do things for charity, you know,

119
00:06:30,567 --> 00:06:31,761
-for auctions and so on.
-Yes.

120
00:06:31,847 --> 00:06:34,566
-Be nice to have something to give them.
-I quite understand.

121
00:06:34,647 --> 00:06:37,161
So, Sir Alan, enjoying retirement?

122
00:06:37,247 --> 00:06:38,646
Oh, enormously, enormously.

123
00:06:38,727 --> 00:06:39,842
Good night.

124
00:06:40,327 --> 00:06:43,842
My only criticism of David Icke
is that he doesn't go far enough.

125
00:06:45,327 --> 00:06:47,045
Well, I…

126
00:06:47,167 --> 00:06:49,601
I had a sort of agreement with my father.

127
00:06:50,687 --> 00:06:54,839
He promised me that
if I didn't smoke before I was 21,

128
00:06:55,247 --> 00:06:57,636
he'd make me Governor General of Canada.

129
00:06:59,487 --> 00:07:03,560
Oh, believe me, God is big enough
and strong enough to take a bit of blasphemy,

130
00:07:03,647 --> 00:07:04,921
a bit of swearing.

131
00:07:05,007 --> 00:07:07,999
What he really can't stand is the Daily Mail.

132
00:07:09,087 --> 00:07:10,076
Now, there's…

133
00:07:11,287 --> 00:07:13,881
There's a lot of crap
talked about pit bull terriers.

134
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:16,435
But, you know, they're great dogs,
absolutely great dogs.

135
00:07:16,527 --> 00:07:17,846
You know…

136
00:07:17,927 --> 00:07:20,760
I mean, Tyson here, he's absolutely,

137
00:07:20,847 --> 00:07:22,963
he's a great dog and he wouldn't hurt anyone…

138
00:07:35,647 --> 00:07:39,560
Jacobson, get your ass in here, right now.

139
00:07:39,647 --> 00:07:41,365
Ten-hut!

140
00:07:43,887 --> 00:07:44,956
Sir.

141
00:07:45,567 --> 00:07:48,877
Jacobson, what the hell am I gonna do
with your ass?

142
00:07:49,847 --> 00:07:51,485
With my ass, sir?

143
00:07:51,687 --> 00:07:54,724
Can you think of one goddamn reason

144
00:07:54,807 --> 00:07:58,004
why I shouldn't kick your ass
all the way from here to New Mexico?

145
00:07:58,087 --> 00:08:01,523
-Well, sir, if this concerns…
-You know what the hell it concerns, Jacobson.

146
00:08:01,607 --> 00:08:03,916
It concerns your ass.

147
00:08:04,367 --> 00:08:06,835
-What does it concern?
-My ass, sir.

148
00:08:07,767 --> 00:08:11,840
Do you recall what it was I said to you
the last time you were in this here office?

149
00:08:11,927 --> 00:08:14,316
Well, sir, you told me to move my ass,

150
00:08:14,407 --> 00:08:17,638
and to haul my ass, and not to sit on my ass,

151
00:08:17,727 --> 00:08:21,197
because if I did,
you would personally rearrange my ass.

152
00:08:21,287 --> 00:08:22,640
Wrong, Jacobson.

153
00:08:22,727 --> 00:08:24,957
I was not gonna rearrange your ass,

154
00:08:25,047 --> 00:08:28,403
I was gonna boil your ass in a bag
and have that ass for breakfast.

155
00:08:28,487 --> 00:08:29,840
Have the ass for breakfast.

156
00:08:31,167 --> 00:08:33,397
Read the sign on my desk, boy.

157
00:08:33,727 --> 00:08:35,763
“The buck stops at my ass.”

158
00:08:38,087 --> 00:08:42,160
See, that's why I got this here star
on my shoulder and you don't.

159
00:08:42,367 --> 00:08:44,562
'Cause my ass is on the line.

160
00:08:45,407 --> 00:08:47,284
-The bottom-line?
-The bottom-line.

161
00:08:47,367 --> 00:08:48,800
I understand, sir.

162
00:08:48,887 --> 00:08:52,562
Well, I'm glad you got your ass
straight on that, Jacobson.

163
00:08:52,647 --> 00:08:53,796
Now,

164
00:08:54,247 --> 00:08:56,317
I got me a problem.

165
00:08:58,887 --> 00:09:00,366
A problem, sir?

166
00:09:00,567 --> 00:09:05,482
Seems like some goddamn college boy
on the fifth floor wants a piece of my ass.

167
00:09:06,247 --> 00:09:09,080
-Your ass, sir?
-You bet your ass, my ass.

168
00:09:10,207 --> 00:09:11,959
-Sir…
-Mmm-hmm?

169
00:09:12,207 --> 00:09:13,959
How does my ass fit into all of this?

170
00:09:16,207 --> 00:09:17,879
It's very simple, Jacobson.

171
00:09:17,967 --> 00:09:20,435
You are aware that you ass is mine?

172
00:09:22,087 --> 00:09:24,362
-It is, sir?
-Oh, yes, sir.

173
00:09:24,447 --> 00:09:26,119
Your ass is mine, mister.

174
00:09:26,207 --> 00:09:29,995
The day you joined this man's army,
you signed your ass over to me.

175
00:09:30,087 --> 00:09:32,237
-Oh, I get it, sir.
-Oh, you do?

176
00:09:32,327 --> 00:09:33,806
This guy wants a piece of your ass,

177
00:09:33,887 --> 00:09:35,684
so you're thinking that,
being as my ass is yours,

178
00:09:35,767 --> 00:09:39,362
maybe you could give him a piece of my ass
as a way of saving your ass.

179
00:09:39,447 --> 00:09:40,880
-Jacobson.
-Sir?

180
00:09:40,967 --> 00:09:42,446
Shut your ass.

181
00:09:43,167 --> 00:09:45,283
Nobody likes a smart aleck.

182
00:09:48,007 --> 00:09:50,885
Now, you got your ass with you?

183
00:09:50,967 --> 00:09:52,559
Right here, sir.

184
00:09:55,407 --> 00:09:58,877
Sir, with respect, don't jerk my ass around.

185
00:10:02,287 --> 00:10:03,276
Hmm.

186
00:10:04,047 --> 00:10:05,446
Nice ass.

187
00:10:08,087 --> 00:10:10,123
Well, with me to discuss that scene

188
00:10:10,207 --> 00:10:13,597
from Scorsese's new release,
From Here to Just Over There,

189
00:10:13,687 --> 00:10:17,441
is the critic, critic and critic, Ray Daugh.

190
00:10:17,887 --> 00:10:21,641
Now, Ray, you've written countless,
almost worthless books

191
00:10:21,727 --> 00:10:24,116
on the iconography of the bottom
in American films.

192
00:10:24,207 --> 00:10:26,596
In what context could we approach this piece?

193
00:10:26,687 --> 00:10:28,086
Not really, no.

194
00:10:28,167 --> 00:10:31,204
I think that we already knew
that the ass had come to mean…

195
00:10:31,287 --> 00:10:32,925
By ass you mean bottom?

196
00:10:33,007 --> 00:10:35,521
That's right, you'll have to forgive me
for lapsing into jargon, there.

197
00:10:35,607 --> 00:10:39,600
By jargon you mean a series of
specialist phrases, an argot if you will,

198
00:10:39,687 --> 00:10:42,076
to describe the particular area of criticism?

199
00:10:42,167 --> 00:10:43,236
Hmm, um…

200
00:10:43,807 --> 00:10:45,206
In my last book, what I…

201
00:10:45,287 --> 00:10:47,278
A book being, well, what?

202
00:10:47,367 --> 00:10:50,916
A work of thought or prose
bound together between hard or soft covers

203
00:10:51,007 --> 00:10:53,282
and distributed by means of a bookshop.

204
00:10:53,367 --> 00:10:54,356
Broadly.

205
00:10:54,447 --> 00:10:59,043
In my last book, which was called
Backside Story:
The History of the American Bottom,

206
00:10:59,767 --> 00:11:01,519
I devoted an entire chapter to what I…

207
00:11:01,607 --> 00:11:02,926
Chapter…

208
00:11:03,167 --> 00:11:06,557
A subdivision in the book,
of which there may be 10, 12, 15 or so,

209
00:11:06,647 --> 00:11:08,080
creating blocks of writing?

210
00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:09,316
Partly, yes.

211
00:11:09,487 --> 00:11:13,400
I devoted an entire chapter to the phrase,
“My ass is on the line.”

212
00:11:13,487 --> 00:11:16,365
-The line being…
-Oh, I think we all know what a line is.

213
00:11:16,447 --> 00:11:20,042
Yes, a line in this sense being the
vestigial notion of the frontier.

214
00:11:20,127 --> 00:11:22,687
To put his bottom on the frontier, or hers,

215
00:11:22,767 --> 00:11:24,917
is still very much the goal
of the modern American.

216
00:11:25,007 --> 00:11:28,761
Hmm, and by this you mean
an absolutely infuriating gesture

217
00:11:28,847 --> 00:11:31,520
guaranteed to put people's backs up
in quite a major way.

218
00:11:31,607 --> 00:11:32,801
-I hope so.
-Hmm.

219
00:11:32,887 --> 00:11:34,240
Well, sadly the clock has…

220
00:11:34,327 --> 00:11:37,399
The clock? The large, round timepiece,

221
00:11:37,487 --> 00:11:41,116
a device that is used for keeping check
on the register of hours as they pass.

222
00:11:42,207 --> 00:11:43,686
…has beaten us once again…

223
00:11:43,767 --> 00:11:48,522
It's flagellated us, it's whipped us,
it's lashed us for a further time.

224
00:11:48,607 --> 00:11:49,596
So, thank you…

225
00:11:49,687 --> 00:11:53,316
I'm grateful, I'm beholden to you,
ta, cheers, mate.

226
00:11:53,727 --> 00:11:55,365
-Ray…
-Shaft or beam of light,

227
00:11:55,447 --> 00:11:58,200
or it's a flat fish, in the sense of a
manta ray or a stingray.

228
00:11:58,287 --> 00:12:01,199
-Very much…
-A huge amount, a great deal, vast quantity.

229
00:12:01,287 --> 00:12:04,324
-Pat.
-Small slab of butter, or knob.

230
00:12:05,847 --> 00:12:10,682
The atmosphere outside Bristol Crown Court
was tense this afternoon as the defendants…

231
00:12:10,767 --> 00:12:12,485
-Oh, sorry, sorry.
What?

232
00:12:12,567 --> 00:12:15,081
-Better just let these people through.
-What people?

233
00:12:15,167 --> 00:12:17,965
Oh, they've gone the other way.
Sorry, I thought they were coming this way.

234
00:12:18,047 --> 00:12:20,117
Ready whenever you are.
-Right.

235
00:12:20,207 --> 00:12:24,917
The atmosphere outside Bristol Crown Court
was tense this afternoon as the…

236
00:12:25,167 --> 00:12:26,998
Oh, damn, sorry.

237
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:28,475
What?
-Sorry.

238
00:12:28,567 --> 00:12:30,398
Sorry, I said Plymouth.

239
00:12:30,487 --> 00:12:31,966
No, you didn't.

240
00:12:33,007 --> 00:12:34,804
You said Bristol.

241
00:12:35,327 --> 00:12:39,366
Okay, right, let's just go ahead
and do this, all right? Okay.

242
00:12:39,647 --> 00:12:41,603
Jesus Christ!
-Right, okay.

243
00:12:42,807 --> 00:12:46,720
The atmosphere outside Bristol Crown Court
was tense this afternoon…

244
00:12:46,807 --> 00:12:48,604
Sorry, would you mind, just…

245
00:12:48,687 --> 00:12:50,643
Sorry, there's some kid staring at me.

246
00:12:50,727 --> 00:12:53,002
Thanks very much, that's great.

247
00:12:53,807 --> 00:12:56,002
Right, okay, right, this is it, here we go.

248
00:12:57,687 --> 00:13:01,396
The atmosphere outside Bristol Crown Court
was tense this afternoon…

249
00:13:01,487 --> 00:13:03,364
Oh, I don't believe it.

250
00:13:03,527 --> 00:13:05,483
What is it now?

251
00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:06,920
Aeroplane.

252
00:13:07,207 --> 00:13:08,322
What?

253
00:13:08,567 --> 00:13:09,716
-Can't you hear it?
-No!

254
00:13:09,807 --> 00:13:11,320
Well, isn't it…

255
00:13:12,527 --> 00:13:14,324
The atmosphere outside Bristol Crown…

256
00:13:14,407 --> 00:13:15,806
Actually, you know, I've just had a thought.

257
00:13:15,887 --> 00:13:18,162
Wouldn't it be better if we filmed it
around the corner?

258
00:13:18,247 --> 00:13:19,441
Then, when they come out…

259
00:13:19,527 --> 00:13:21,483
Do this now or I will kill you.

260
00:13:21,567 --> 00:13:24,923
-What?
-I will kill you unless you do this now!

261
00:13:25,007 --> 00:13:28,795
Now, come on, no, no, no, all right,
okay, okay, I'll do it, I'll do it.

262
00:13:28,887 --> 00:13:32,516
The atmosphere outside Bristol Crown Court
was tense this…

263
00:13:32,607 --> 00:13:34,086
-Oh, my God!
-What?

264
00:13:34,167 --> 00:13:35,964
-Look, there they are, coming out of that door.
-Where?

265
00:13:36,047 --> 00:13:37,799
There, there, there!

266
00:13:44,807 --> 00:13:47,275
God save our gracious Queen,

267
00:13:47,367 --> 00:13:49,437
long live our noble Queen,

268
00:13:50,007 --> 00:13:51,759
God save the Queen.

269
00:13:51,887 --> 00:13:55,038
Send her victorious, happy and glorious.

270
00:13:55,207 --> 00:13:59,086
Long to reign over us, God save the Queen.

271
00:13:59,527 --> 00:14:03,600
Now, some of the younger people watching me
here on this programme tonight

272
00:14:03,687 --> 00:14:06,281
might think that that there is
something amusing or ridiculous

273
00:14:06,367 --> 00:14:08,597
in the words of that grand old hymn,

274
00:14:08,687 --> 00:14:11,565
our own great British national anthem.

275
00:14:11,847 --> 00:14:16,637
I happen to find such people sick,
disgusting, degraded,

276
00:14:16,727 --> 00:14:20,925
and enormously limp-making in a sexual sense.

277
00:14:22,287 --> 00:14:24,926
There is nothing arousing at all

278
00:14:25,007 --> 00:14:28,204
about people who can mock and sneer
at simple love of country,

279
00:14:28,287 --> 00:14:30,721
nothing to make the loins twitch and quiver

280
00:14:30,807 --> 00:14:34,766
about the kind of hooligan
who can despoil our flag.

281
00:14:35,007 --> 00:14:39,159
The sort of cynical, atheistical,
unpatriotic yoboiks,

282
00:14:39,247 --> 00:14:40,999
who hold nothing sacred,

283
00:14:41,087 --> 00:14:44,875
have no power at all
to bring me to a proud twitching stand.

284
00:14:45,847 --> 00:14:48,600
You're gonna have to do something
a little bit more

285
00:14:48,687 --> 00:14:51,599
than repeat a few cheap jibes
about the land I love,

286
00:14:51,687 --> 00:14:55,600
if you want me to thicken and engorge
with mounting excitement.

287
00:14:58,047 --> 00:15:02,040
In the old days,
as soon as the national anthem was heard

288
00:15:02,127 --> 00:15:05,244
the whole nation would rise
stiffly to attention.

289
00:15:06,647 --> 00:15:08,603
Am I the only one left?

290
00:15:09,287 --> 00:15:10,515
Good night.

291
00:15:12,287 --> 00:15:15,040
Yes, I've never actually owned a piano.

292
00:15:15,087 --> 00:15:19,080
But, I used to have a photograph of one
on my bedroom wall.

293
00:15:20,087 --> 00:15:22,920
But then the neighbours complained,
so it had to go.

294
00:15:25,647 --> 00:15:29,720
Apparently, there's a Frenchman from Provence
who's written a bestseller in France

295
00:15:29,807 --> 00:15:33,766
called Une Année en Essex, A Year in Essex.

296
00:15:33,847 --> 00:15:37,476
I'm just terrified it's going to spoil Essex,
that's all.

297
00:15:38,087 --> 00:15:41,284
All right then,
ask me what my favourite food is.

298
00:15:41,407 --> 00:15:43,125
Lancashire hot pot.

299
00:15:43,207 --> 00:15:44,196
Why?

300
00:15:44,327 --> 00:15:47,160
Lancashire hot pot, you,
in the name of the law.

301
00:15:49,447 --> 00:15:51,358
Irish stew, damn.

302
00:15:51,887 --> 00:15:53,718
Irish stew.

303
00:15:55,527 --> 00:15:57,245
Right, so…

304
00:15:58,127 --> 00:16:00,402
Peter, would you like to start?

305
00:16:01,207 --> 00:16:04,165
My name is Peter Bales and I'm an alcoholic.

306
00:16:04,247 --> 00:16:08,718
I last had a drink two years,
seven weeks and three days ago.

307
00:16:09,887 --> 00:16:12,560
Well done, Peter. Well done, well done.

308
00:16:14,487 --> 00:16:16,557
My name is William Gerard.

309
00:16:16,927 --> 00:16:18,565
I'm an alcoholic.

310
00:16:18,687 --> 00:16:21,918
I haven't drunk for five months and six days.

311
00:16:23,407 --> 00:16:25,159
Well done, Bill, well done.

312
00:16:27,127 --> 00:16:30,164
My name is Andrea McLain and
I'm an alcoholic.

313
00:16:30,607 --> 00:16:33,440
And I last had a drink two days ago.

314
00:16:33,527 --> 00:16:34,846
I'm sorry, I…

315
00:16:34,927 --> 00:16:38,158
That's all right, Andrea, we can
talk about that later, that's no problem.

316
00:16:38,247 --> 00:16:39,885
Thanks, thanks.

317
00:16:40,487 --> 00:16:43,285
Now, would our new member like to speak?

318
00:16:43,767 --> 00:16:44,836
Erm…

319
00:16:46,407 --> 00:16:48,079
Well, I know it can be hard,

320
00:16:48,167 --> 00:16:52,718
but everyone here at AA will tell you that
the first thing to do is to face your problem,

321
00:16:52,807 --> 00:16:54,126
to give it a name.

322
00:16:54,207 --> 00:16:55,401
Right, I see that, yes.

323
00:16:55,487 --> 00:16:58,604
Right, if you can't stand up and say it,
we can't help you.

324
00:16:58,687 --> 00:16:59,676
I know.

325
00:17:00,087 --> 00:17:05,639
I'm sure that everyone here can confirm
that AA is about confidence and sharing, okay?

326
00:17:05,727 --> 00:17:07,445
-Yes.
Yeah, very much so.

327
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:08,721
Right.

328
00:17:10,567 --> 00:17:12,364
My name's Trevor Wareham,

329
00:17:12,447 --> 00:17:17,077
and basically my problem is
that the starter motor gets stuck

330
00:17:17,167 --> 00:17:19,476
especially in cold weather.

331
00:17:27,647 --> 00:17:30,923
Have you tried putting it in first gear
and rocking it backwards and forwards?

332
00:17:31,007 --> 00:17:34,204
-Yes, I've tried that, I've tried.
You've tried that, right.

333
00:17:34,287 --> 00:17:36,517
Well, we'll send someone around
as soon as possible.

334
00:17:36,607 --> 00:17:37,926
Thank you.

335
00:17:40,727 --> 00:17:43,605
-Have a drink while you're waiting.
-Oh, thank you.

336
00:17:46,887 --> 00:17:49,560
Darling, could you pass the marmalade?

337
00:17:50,207 --> 00:17:51,322
What?

338
00:17:51,967 --> 00:17:54,401
The marmalade, could you pass it?

339
00:17:54,767 --> 00:17:57,839
You want me to arse the parlour maid?

340
00:17:58,287 --> 00:17:59,686
No, dear…

341
00:17:59,807 --> 00:18:03,720
There's a pot of marmalade at your elbow.
Could you pass it?

342
00:18:03,807 --> 00:18:06,526
A potty marinade in my dildo?

343
00:18:07,487 --> 00:18:09,478
Have you run mad, woman?

344
00:18:09,807 --> 00:18:13,117
Darling, I want you to pass the marmalade.

345
00:18:14,207 --> 00:18:17,085
You want me to fart the hit parade?

346
00:18:18,847 --> 00:18:21,407
Pass the marmalade!

347
00:18:22,527 --> 00:18:24,882
Smile at Roy Hattersley?

348
00:18:25,407 --> 00:18:28,126
You want me to smile at Roy Hattersley?

349
00:18:28,887 --> 00:18:31,606
Doesn't sound anything like
“pass the marmalade.”

350
00:18:31,687 --> 00:18:34,804
Roy Hattersley hasn't found anyone
to pass the marmalade?

351
00:18:34,887 --> 00:18:36,115
You're babbling, woman.

352
00:18:36,207 --> 00:18:38,767
No dear, I want you to pass the marmalade.

353
00:18:38,847 --> 00:18:42,123
Roy Hattersley wants me to pass the marmalade?

354
00:18:42,207 --> 00:18:43,799
No, I do, darling!

355
00:18:43,887 --> 00:18:45,320
Eiderdown?

356
00:18:46,047 --> 00:18:48,800
Roy Hattersley wants me to pass him
an eiderdown?

357
00:18:48,887 --> 00:18:50,718
If you'll just listen.

358
00:18:50,847 --> 00:18:54,886
Expecting people to pass him eiderdowns
as if he were someone special.

359
00:18:55,007 --> 00:18:57,601
No one's ever passed me an eiderdown.

360
00:18:57,687 --> 00:19:00,565
I want you to pass the marmalade!

361
00:19:00,647 --> 00:19:03,559
No, I will not go to bed with Les Dennis.

362
00:19:04,607 --> 00:19:07,599
Not at any price! You must be off your chop.

363
00:19:25,687 --> 00:19:30,681
“The Substantial Tide's Indebt
smell by more quoits”?

364
00:19:31,887 --> 00:19:36,563
No dear, “The Financial Times Index
fell by four points.”

365
00:19:36,807 --> 00:19:39,037
Oh. Pass the marmalade, will you?

366
00:19:43,087 --> 00:19:45,965
You want mad? I'll show you mad, hang on.

367
00:19:46,887 --> 00:19:48,081
There.

368
00:19:48,247 --> 00:19:50,761
Jason, the Blue Peter's first cat.

369
00:19:51,047 --> 00:19:53,003
Mad as a nail he was.

370
00:19:53,087 --> 00:19:56,238
BBC kept it hushed up for years
but it was an open secret.

371
00:19:56,327 --> 00:19:57,919
Thought he was a Siamese.

372
00:19:58,007 --> 00:20:00,316
Sad, really, but bonkers.

373
00:20:19,007 --> 00:20:20,645
♫ Too long, Johnny

374
00:20:21,207 --> 00:20:23,675
♫ Too long, it's way too long

375
00:20:27,567 --> 00:20:28,966
♫ Too long, Johnny

376
00:20:29,527 --> 00:20:32,280
♫ Too long, it's way too long

377
00:20:36,087 --> 00:20:37,759
♫ Make it shorter, Johnny

378
00:20:38,327 --> 00:20:41,046
♫ It's been too long for way too long

379
00:20:44,727 --> 00:20:46,957
♫ That's a perfect length now, Johnny

380
00:20:47,047 --> 00:20:49,607
♫ It just may be a bit too wide

381
00:20:53,367 --> 00:20:55,483
♫ Don't make it any shorter, Johnny

382
00:20:55,647 --> 00:20:58,286
♫ It just may be a bit too wide

383
00:21:01,967 --> 00:21:03,958
♫ Take a little off the width, Johnny

384
00:21:04,047 --> 00:21:06,800
♫ And we got ourselves a perfect size

385
00:21:11,007 --> 00:21:13,077
♫ Oh, now that's too much, Johnny

386
00:21:13,367 --> 00:21:15,756
♫ Gone and made it all too thin

387
00:21:19,687 --> 00:21:21,643
♫ The length is perfect, Johnny

388
00:21:21,887 --> 00:21:24,765
♫ You just went and made it all too thin

389
00:21:28,367 --> 00:21:30,756
♫ Looks like I'll have to throw it away, Johnny

390
00:21:30,847 --> 00:21:33,202
♫ Start all over again ♫

391
00:22:01,167 --> 00:22:02,282
Hello.

392
00:22:02,567 --> 00:22:04,637
I'm Gelliant Gutfright,

393
00:22:04,727 --> 00:22:07,685
your host on The Seventh Dimension.

394
00:22:08,287 --> 00:22:13,156
Tonight's story is called
“The Red Hat of Patferrick”.

395
00:22:13,927 --> 00:22:15,565
But I must add a warning.

396
00:22:15,927 --> 00:22:21,285
The BBC do not advice that you watch
the unfolding of this dark tale

397
00:22:21,647 --> 00:22:25,526
if you are, in any way,
of an erotic disposition.

398
00:22:27,687 --> 00:22:29,086
Office life.

399
00:22:29,847 --> 00:22:33,920
It seems so ordinary, doesn't it? So mundane.

400
00:22:34,367 --> 00:22:38,246
What is the worst that could happen
in an ordinary publisher's office?

401
00:22:38,327 --> 00:22:42,161
Suzy loses the Tipp-Ex,
Lucy forgets to fax that contract to Stuttgart,

402
00:22:42,247 --> 00:22:45,398
the wrong package is DHLed to San Francisco.

403
00:22:45,487 --> 00:22:46,602
Nothing sinister…

404
00:22:47,847 --> 00:22:51,203
in an ordinary publisher's office, is there?

405
00:22:52,687 --> 00:22:54,006
Is there?

406
00:22:55,407 --> 00:22:56,840
Or is there?

407
00:22:59,447 --> 00:23:02,484
Jonathan Hadey. A nice guy.

408
00:23:02,687 --> 00:23:04,757
One of the world's good scouts.

409
00:23:04,847 --> 00:23:07,441
Governor of his local primary school, Rotarian,

410
00:23:07,527 --> 00:23:11,566
Chief High Coven Priest of
the Amersham and District's Satanic Abuse Club.

411
00:23:11,647 --> 00:23:14,605
An ordinary, decent British citizen.

412
00:23:14,887 --> 00:23:20,519
Every day is much like the day before
for publisher, Jonathan Hadey.

413
00:23:21,447 --> 00:23:22,482
Except for today.

414
00:23:24,247 --> 00:23:27,876
Except for April, the 29th of August.

415
00:23:28,207 --> 00:23:29,435
Oh, yes.

416
00:23:30,367 --> 00:23:32,039
Except for today.

417
00:23:33,567 --> 00:23:36,877
Louise is out of the office,
flirting with Ted from marketing

418
00:23:36,967 --> 00:23:39,527
while she makes
Jonathan's mid-morning cup of coffee.

419
00:23:39,607 --> 00:23:42,201
He might as well answer the telephone himself,

420
00:23:43,087 --> 00:23:44,202
for once.

421
00:23:45,567 --> 00:23:49,606
-Hello?
-I want to speak to Jonathan Hadey.

422
00:23:49,687 --> 00:23:50,802
Hadey, here.

423
00:23:50,887 --> 00:23:54,846
You have the Red Hat of Patferrick.

424
00:23:55,447 --> 00:23:58,996
-The what?
-Don't play games, Mr Hadey.

425
00:23:59,327 --> 00:24:04,003
You have just seven hours
to return it to its rightful owners.

426
00:24:04,687 --> 00:24:06,439
Shall I put you through to marketing?

427
00:24:12,687 --> 00:24:17,044
Sorry I took my time, Mr Hadey,
but Ted from marketing was licking my breasts.

428
00:24:17,287 --> 00:24:20,597
-Who was that?
-Oh, a wrong number probably.

429
00:24:21,007 --> 00:24:24,602
Except they asked for me.
Something about a hat.

430
00:24:25,087 --> 00:24:28,636
-A hat?
-Yes, the hat from Portmerrick or something.

431
00:24:28,727 --> 00:24:30,718
Not Patferrick?

432
00:24:30,807 --> 00:24:32,798
Yes! That's it. The hat of Patferrick.

433
00:24:32,887 --> 00:24:36,960
-Did they say what colour?
-The red hat, I think they said.

434
00:24:37,047 --> 00:24:41,245
Oh, no! Not red! Please God, not red.
No, no, no, no!

435
00:24:46,087 --> 00:24:47,805
Oh, my God, Louise!

436
00:24:53,447 --> 00:24:54,482
Hadey speaking.

437
00:24:55,647 --> 00:24:56,636
Police?

438
00:24:57,887 --> 00:24:59,923
Yes, Caroline Hadey is my wife.

439
00:25:01,447 --> 00:25:02,880
What kind of accident?

440
00:25:04,727 --> 00:25:07,082
Oh, my God! Squashed?

441
00:25:07,607 --> 00:25:09,245
In the name of heaven, what by?

442
00:25:10,927 --> 00:25:13,361
A hat? What kind of hat?

443
00:25:15,287 --> 00:25:19,075
A sort of marooney,
sort of burgundy-ish crimson.

444
00:25:19,167 --> 00:25:22,159
Damn it, man, you mean red.
If it's red, say so. A red hat…

445
00:25:24,327 --> 00:25:26,045
From the dust on the brim,

446
00:25:26,127 --> 00:25:29,199
it could only come from one place, you say?

447
00:25:30,007 --> 00:25:32,726
Thank you, Inspector,
but I think I know already.

448
00:25:32,807 --> 00:25:34,445
It's Sergeant, actually.

449
00:25:34,567 --> 00:25:35,966
Patferrick.

450
00:25:36,247 --> 00:25:39,080
The Red Hat of Patferrick.

451
00:25:44,927 --> 00:25:47,395
Wake up, Mr Hadey. It's your coffee.

452
00:25:47,487 --> 00:25:51,765
What! The hat… The pat…
The redferrick of hat pat…

453
00:25:53,327 --> 00:25:56,637
Dreaming again, Mr Hadey? I don't know.

454
00:25:57,487 --> 00:25:59,318
Ha! But it was all so, so real.

455
00:26:00,007 --> 00:26:03,044
Oh, what's the matter with me?
I think I need a holiday.

456
00:26:03,127 --> 00:26:05,687
Oh! There's a man on his way up to see you.

457
00:26:05,767 --> 00:26:09,316
Said he's bringing
the red hat of somewhere or other.

458
00:26:09,607 --> 00:26:12,997
No! It can't be! It's happening just as…

459
00:26:13,487 --> 00:26:17,958
-The red hat of where? Speak, girl.
-Well, Pat-somewhere or other, I think he said.

460
00:26:18,047 --> 00:26:19,765
No, no, no, no!

461
00:26:19,847 --> 00:26:23,078
The Red Hat of Patferrick! Here in Amersham.

462
00:26:23,167 --> 00:26:24,282
No!

463
00:26:27,367 --> 00:26:29,403
Something wrong, my dear?

464
00:26:29,487 --> 00:26:31,125
Mr Hadey, he just…

465
00:26:31,527 --> 00:26:33,995
Twenty-three floors up and he just…

466
00:26:34,447 --> 00:26:35,482
Oh!

467
00:26:35,567 --> 00:26:36,636
God!

468
00:26:36,847 --> 00:26:43,116
Well, in that case, I had better take
the Red Hat of Patferrick elsewhere, hadn't I?

469
00:26:43,207 --> 00:26:47,917
The red hat?
That's why Mr Hadey jumped. What is it?

470
00:26:48,007 --> 00:26:51,158
Oh, just the manuscript of a story, my dear.

471
00:26:51,327 --> 00:26:53,716
A wholly improbable tale.

472
00:26:53,967 --> 00:26:58,324
It concerns a young publisher
who has a dream about a hat,

473
00:26:58,567 --> 00:27:00,080
and when he awakes…

474
00:27:00,487 --> 00:27:03,320
But it is nothing but fancy.

475
00:27:03,567 --> 00:27:06,320
Could never really happen, could it?

476
00:27:06,527 --> 00:27:07,801
Could it?

477
00:27:08,567 --> 00:27:09,682
Or could it?

478
00:27:10,327 --> 00:27:12,124
Perhaps, it could.

479
00:27:12,887 --> 00:27:14,081
Or could it?

480
00:27:14,687 --> 00:27:16,040
Good night.

481
00:27:17,247 --> 00:27:19,238
Well, that's about it for this week.

482
00:27:19,367 --> 00:27:22,598
That's right. Hard to believe
that 30 minutes has just flown by…

483
00:27:22,687 --> 00:27:24,803
Oh, do shut your neck.

484
00:27:26,807 --> 00:27:31,961
So, unless we graze shoulders
in the saloon lounge of real life,

485
00:27:32,047 --> 00:27:34,959
-it's a good night from me.
-And it's good night from me.

486
00:27:35,047 --> 00:27:38,517
-And it's good night from me.
-And it's good night from me.

487
00:27:38,607 --> 00:27:41,917
We're going to leave you
with tonight's cocktail recipe.

488
00:27:42,007 --> 00:27:45,204
It's called “A mug of Horlicks.”

489
00:27:45,287 --> 00:27:48,120
For this, you'll need Horlicks,
a camping stove,

490
00:27:48,207 --> 00:27:51,199
some milk, a teaspoon and a mug.

491
00:27:51,607 --> 00:27:53,359
Ha! Will I do?

492
00:27:53,447 --> 00:27:56,519
No, Hugh, I meant mug
in the sense of drinking vessel.

493
00:27:56,687 --> 00:28:00,282
We'll also need an idiot
to hit on the head with your teaspoon.

494
00:28:00,527 --> 00:28:03,439
-Ha! Will I do?
-Admirably.

495
00:28:03,767 --> 00:28:06,361
Please, Mr Music, will you play.

496
00:28:57,327 --> 00:28:59,761
-Soupy twist.
-Soupy twist.