1 00:00:36,047 --> 00:00:37,446 Help you? 2 00:00:37,527 --> 00:00:38,960 Did you write this? 3 00:00:40,687 --> 00:00:43,485 Jane Eyre. No, that was Charlotte Brontë. 4 00:00:43,887 --> 00:00:46,799 Right. Well, I'd like to speak to her then, please. 5 00:00:48,287 --> 00:00:49,276 Well… 6 00:00:51,207 --> 00:00:54,040 I'm afraid… I'm afraid she's no longer with us. 7 00:00:54,487 --> 00:00:55,886 Oh. Well, I can't say I'm surprised. 8 00:00:55,967 --> 00:00:58,845 Did she leave some kind of forwarding address? Where can I get in touch with her? 9 00:00:58,927 --> 00:01:01,964 No. No, I meant no longer with us in the sense of dead. 10 00:01:02,047 --> 00:01:03,446 -Dead? -Quite dead. Yes. 11 00:01:03,527 --> 00:01:05,677 Oh, I see. And when did she die exactly? 12 00:01:06,407 --> 00:01:09,001 Erm, 1855, I think I'm right in saying. 13 00:01:09,087 --> 00:01:10,281 1855? 14 00:01:10,367 --> 00:01:14,440 Oh, let me see, that's what, five minutes to seven, isn't it? 15 00:01:15,487 --> 00:01:16,681 No, no. 16 00:01:17,407 --> 00:01:20,604 No. 1855 in the sense of the year 1855. 17 00:01:20,687 --> 00:01:23,599 -Oh. Oh. -Was there some problem? 18 00:01:23,687 --> 00:01:26,485 Well, you'll have to do, I suppose, since you sold me the thing. 19 00:01:26,567 --> 00:01:28,080 I want my money back. 20 00:01:28,727 --> 00:01:33,164 -Well, do you mind me asking why? -I'll tell you why. Because it's balls, that's why. 21 00:01:33,247 --> 00:01:34,919 It's complete balls! 22 00:01:36,207 --> 00:01:38,323 I'm afraid I'm gonna have to disagree with you there. 23 00:01:38,407 --> 00:01:41,046 Oh, are you? Well, just let me… Just listen to this. 24 00:01:41,127 --> 00:01:42,765 Hm, hm… Er, er… 25 00:01:42,847 --> 00:01:46,840 Oh, yes. Here, here. “I mounted into the window seat, 26 00:01:49,447 --> 00:01:54,043 “gathering up my feet, I sat cross-legged, like a Turk.” 27 00:01:54,487 --> 00:01:56,557 I mean, it's just complete balls. 28 00:01:58,847 --> 00:02:02,123 -Balls in what sense? -Balls in the sense of balls. 29 00:02:02,647 --> 00:02:05,161 I mean, what window seat? This is the first page. 30 00:02:05,247 --> 00:02:07,238 She's never mentioned a window seat before. 31 00:02:07,327 --> 00:02:11,240 And what Turk? Have you ever seen a Turk mount a window seat? 32 00:02:11,607 --> 00:02:12,801 It's complete balls. 33 00:02:12,887 --> 00:02:15,720 Well, erm, I think you're supposed to imagine it. 34 00:02:15,807 --> 00:02:20,119 Oh! Oh, really? All right, then. All right. Well… Then how about this bit here? 35 00:02:20,207 --> 00:02:22,118 Oh, yes, here we are. Yes, chapter 38. 36 00:02:22,207 --> 00:02:23,401 “Reader… 37 00:02:26,167 --> 00:02:29,796 “Reader, I married him.” Hmm? 38 00:02:29,887 --> 00:02:33,766 Well, if that isn't balls, kindly fax me an explanation of what is. 39 00:02:34,127 --> 00:02:37,039 Hmm? What reader? Or, are you supposed to imagine this reader as well, are you? 40 00:02:37,127 --> 00:02:40,563 No, no, that's you. It's addressed to you, the reader of the book. 41 00:02:40,647 --> 00:02:43,081 Oh, balls! 42 00:02:43,247 --> 00:02:47,638 She couldn't know me. You just told me the stupid tart died in 1855. 43 00:02:47,727 --> 00:02:51,800 Well, not you specifically, but whoever happens to be reading the book at the time. 44 00:02:51,887 --> 00:02:54,037 Jane Eyre is telling you that she's married Mr Rochester. 45 00:02:54,167 --> 00:02:56,601 Jane Eyre's a made-up character! 46 00:02:56,687 --> 00:02:59,121 -She doesn't even exist. -No, but she writes the story. 47 00:02:59,207 --> 00:03:02,597 -She is the “I” of the story. -Oh, make your frigging mind up. 48 00:03:02,967 --> 00:03:05,925 You just told me Charlotte Brontë wrote the blasted story. 49 00:03:06,007 --> 00:03:07,440 Well… Well, yes, she did, but… 50 00:03:07,527 --> 00:03:11,566 Well, you're obviously as confused as I am. The whole thing is just balls from start to finish 51 00:03:11,647 --> 00:03:13,126 and I want my money back. 52 00:03:13,447 --> 00:03:15,119 Hmm? Give me something, please, to read 53 00:03:15,207 --> 00:03:17,596 that doesn't go on about window seats I've never heard of, 54 00:03:17,687 --> 00:03:21,316 and doesn't have some dead bitch calling you “Reader” all the time. 55 00:03:23,047 --> 00:03:24,480 All right. Erm… 56 00:03:25,767 --> 00:03:27,678 Well, what about this? This is proving very popular. 57 00:03:27,767 --> 00:03:28,802 Hmm? What is it? 58 00:03:28,887 --> 00:03:32,163 This is The Invalid by Myra Penworthy Fennerweave. 59 00:03:32,687 --> 00:03:34,439 -Any good? -Excellent. 60 00:03:34,527 --> 00:03:36,165 Right. Hmm. 61 00:03:36,847 --> 00:03:39,441 “Talbot entered the room in a feverish haste, 62 00:03:39,567 --> 00:03:43,196 “bearing his precious cargo before him like a votive offering. 63 00:03:43,287 --> 00:03:46,199 “Elizabeth lay back on her bed, her face pale and pinched. 64 00:03:46,287 --> 00:03:48,562 “‘Richard, is that you?’ she moaned.” 65 00:03:48,647 --> 00:03:50,399 Oh, this is just complete balls! 66 00:03:50,487 --> 00:03:54,400 Bally baldy, baldy bally, bally, bally, balls, balls, balls! 67 00:03:55,047 --> 00:03:57,845 It's not, actually. That is true. Every single word of that happened. 68 00:03:57,927 --> 00:04:00,043 Oh, double balls and bollocks! 69 00:04:00,487 --> 00:04:02,125 Richard, is that you? 70 00:04:02,207 --> 00:04:04,801 -Darling Elizabeth. -Oh, Richard. 71 00:04:04,887 --> 00:04:07,606 -I knew you would come. -I, too, Elizabeth. 72 00:04:07,687 --> 00:04:09,757 I, too, knew that I would come. 73 00:04:09,847 --> 00:04:12,361 Richard, I am far from well. 74 00:04:12,767 --> 00:04:16,476 -Far, far from well. -Elizabeth, I bring soup. 75 00:04:16,807 --> 00:04:20,925 I bring warm nourishing soup, fitter the better to make you more well with. 76 00:04:21,007 --> 00:04:24,079 Richard, you are so kind, so very kind. 77 00:04:24,287 --> 00:04:26,881 Let me help you to a little of this soup, Elizabeth. 78 00:04:26,967 --> 00:04:31,438 I shall pour it so, into this small dish or saucer. 79 00:04:31,727 --> 00:04:36,278 Can you, Elizabeth, can you bring this small dish or saucer of soup to your lips? 80 00:04:36,767 --> 00:04:42,319 Richard, I am trying to bring this small dish or saucer of soup to my lips. 81 00:04:42,407 --> 00:04:44,045 But the effort exhausts me. 82 00:04:44,127 --> 00:04:48,245 Let me, Elizabeth, let me bring this small dish or saucer of soup 83 00:04:48,327 --> 00:04:50,045 to your lips in this manner. 84 00:04:50,127 --> 00:04:54,006 Cradling your neck thus and introducing the soup as gently as I may know how. 85 00:04:54,087 --> 00:04:55,566 So kind, Richard. 86 00:04:57,407 --> 00:04:59,045 -So! -Henry. 87 00:04:59,407 --> 00:05:01,637 -Talbot? -Elizabeth. 88 00:05:01,767 --> 00:05:04,076 As soon as news reached me that you were in a decline, 89 00:05:04,167 --> 00:05:07,477 I drove from Hampshire like a man with a devil hot at his heels 90 00:05:07,567 --> 00:05:08,920 to bring you some broth. 91 00:05:09,007 --> 00:05:12,761 Broth? Huh! Cannot you see that this lady is ill, sir? 92 00:05:12,847 --> 00:05:16,044 I am helping her to a small dish or saucer of soup. 93 00:05:16,167 --> 00:05:18,044 She cannot be doing with broths. 94 00:05:18,127 --> 00:05:19,242 Soup! 95 00:05:19,327 --> 00:05:22,364 You dare to presume upon a sick girl with soup? 96 00:05:22,527 --> 00:05:25,963 Elizabeth, I cannot recommend that you endanger your delicate constitution 97 00:05:26,047 --> 00:05:28,356 with coarse, peasant broths. 98 00:05:28,567 --> 00:05:33,004 Peasant? This broth is refined from purest lamb's liver. 99 00:05:33,087 --> 00:05:34,315 Lamb's liver, is that all? 100 00:05:34,407 --> 00:05:38,241 All? The devil fly away with your impudence. Of course, it is not all. 101 00:05:38,327 --> 00:05:42,286 The brains of seven young guinea fowl are delicately sieved through muslin 102 00:05:42,367 --> 00:05:44,437 and left to set on a jelly of ox blood. 103 00:05:44,527 --> 00:05:45,596 Gentlemen, please. 104 00:05:45,687 --> 00:05:49,123 Aye, and left to sit in too warm a kitchen, too, I'll warrant. 105 00:05:49,207 --> 00:05:53,485 Thus curdling the whole into a mess unfit for an ailing lady. 106 00:05:53,567 --> 00:05:56,559 By no means, left to set in a chilled larder. 107 00:05:56,647 --> 00:05:59,605 The comminuted stock of fried bull's penis 108 00:05:59,807 --> 00:06:01,957 is then folded in on a gentle heat 109 00:06:02,047 --> 00:06:04,800 and thinned with pig's urine and goat sweat. 110 00:06:04,887 --> 00:06:08,277 Imparting a delicacy of flavour and a rich sustaining body 111 00:06:08,367 --> 00:06:12,076 that no thin, dandified soup could ever hope to attain. 112 00:06:12,167 --> 00:06:17,036 “Thin dandified soup?” By God, you'll pay for that insolence before this day is out, Talbot. 113 00:06:17,127 --> 00:06:21,962 This soup is reconstituted from a stock of boiled horse's rectum 114 00:06:22,047 --> 00:06:24,436 and thickened with German vomit. 115 00:06:25,287 --> 00:06:29,360 That is all very well, my fine young sir, but the proof of the soup is in the supping. 116 00:06:29,447 --> 00:06:33,076 Then sup on this, Talbot, and weep. 117 00:06:33,327 --> 00:06:37,525 If you can bear to be humbled, then taste the broth of paradise. 118 00:06:42,287 --> 00:06:45,438 -Mmm. Excellent. -Not bad at all. 119 00:06:48,407 --> 00:06:53,117 The recipe for both these dishes, Henry's broth and Richard's soup, 120 00:06:53,207 --> 00:06:56,517 is available on Ceefax, page 627. 121 00:06:56,927 --> 00:07:01,284 In the meantime, I'm going to have to decide which of these two to have sex with. 122 00:07:01,807 --> 00:07:03,081 Goodbye. 123 00:07:03,727 --> 00:07:04,716 -Bye. -Bye. 124 00:07:06,647 --> 00:07:11,357 Oh, yes, my boyfriend's a real DIY enthusiast, DIY mad. 125 00:07:11,447 --> 00:07:15,998 He's decorated the whole room and he's put up all these bookshelves, 126 00:07:16,087 --> 00:07:19,045 and now he's writing all these books to put on them. 127 00:07:20,207 --> 00:07:23,358 We used to have three bingo halls in this part of town. 128 00:07:23,447 --> 00:07:25,438 They're all bloody cinemas now. 129 00:07:25,527 --> 00:07:27,404 What is the world coming to? 130 00:07:28,647 --> 00:07:30,000 Yeah, I like tricks. 131 00:07:30,087 --> 00:07:32,442 I do a lot of tricks on the kids' birthdays. 132 00:07:32,527 --> 00:07:36,679 I did this one last year. I made them all stand in the hall 133 00:07:36,807 --> 00:07:39,605 and I went out, closed the door, and I haven't been back. 134 00:07:43,847 --> 00:07:47,726 Yes, I think on balance, I probably am a bit unbalanced. 135 00:07:50,167 --> 00:07:53,318 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm extremely lucky 136 00:07:53,407 --> 00:07:56,683 to have been born physically healthy, physically whole. 137 00:07:56,927 --> 00:08:00,715 You know, I've got… I've got two eyes, two arms, two legs, four nipples. 138 00:08:00,807 --> 00:08:04,436 And, you know, I'm physically normal and I give thanks for that every single day. 139 00:08:04,527 --> 00:08:06,722 But I do have a mental problem. 140 00:08:07,807 --> 00:08:12,119 I suffer from what psychiatrists call a split personality. 141 00:08:12,207 --> 00:08:13,356 No, I don't. 142 00:08:17,047 --> 00:08:18,878 I've had this problem for some time now. 143 00:08:18,967 --> 00:08:20,002 No, I haven't. 144 00:08:20,087 --> 00:08:22,078 But, recently, it has got much worse. 145 00:08:22,167 --> 00:08:24,237 How can it get worse, if it was never there? 146 00:08:24,327 --> 00:08:27,239 My psychiatrist… God, what a fraud he is. 147 00:08:27,607 --> 00:08:30,883 Suggested that I give my other personality a name, so I've called him Anthony. 148 00:08:30,967 --> 00:08:32,116 Yes, what do you want? 149 00:08:33,487 --> 00:08:36,285 Now, Anthony is… Anthony is not like me. 150 00:08:36,367 --> 00:08:37,595 You can say that again. 151 00:08:38,487 --> 00:08:42,275 Anthony likes, well, you know, different books, films, music. 152 00:08:42,767 --> 00:08:46,123 He likes double pleats on his trousers, when I prefer single. 153 00:08:46,967 --> 00:08:49,765 And if it were down to him, he would drive a Citroën GX. 154 00:08:49,847 --> 00:08:52,600 They happen to be extremely stylish motorcars. 155 00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:55,842 But possibly Anthony's biggest problem 156 00:08:55,927 --> 00:08:58,441 is that he suffers from a split personality. 157 00:08:58,527 --> 00:09:00,199 No, I bloody don't! 158 00:09:00,727 --> 00:09:03,560 Anthony's other half, as it were, is called Nathaniel, 159 00:09:03,647 --> 00:09:05,603 and he claims to be Welsh. 160 00:09:05,687 --> 00:09:07,962 What do you mean claim? I bloody am Welsh. 161 00:09:08,047 --> 00:09:11,084 I just don't happen to live there at the moment, that's all. 162 00:09:24,767 --> 00:09:27,725 The game of Bushwallyta, or Dragon Foot, 163 00:09:27,807 --> 00:09:31,436 is thought by many to have evolved from the earlier Kanwaniwani Games 164 00:09:31,527 --> 00:09:33,040 of the central Himalayas. 165 00:09:33,127 --> 00:09:35,197 To the casual observer, this may actually seem 166 00:09:35,287 --> 00:09:38,359 like an ordinary Kanwaniwani stalemate position. 167 00:09:38,767 --> 00:09:41,565 But Bushwallyta has many important differences. 168 00:09:41,647 --> 00:09:46,596 Rantors are used instead of bitomys and the scoring system is also quite different. 169 00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:51,158 What you're seeing now is a third round replay between two of the giants of modern Bushwallyta. 170 00:09:51,247 --> 00:09:54,683 To the left of us, the Hungry Wolf, undefeated this season, 171 00:09:54,767 --> 00:09:57,679 and opposite him, Katwan the Optimistic. 172 00:09:57,847 --> 00:10:00,998 At this point, the score is still nine all. 173 00:10:02,887 --> 00:10:06,084 And as they ready to brace themselves for a full bintwendo, 174 00:10:06,167 --> 00:10:09,637 Hungry Wolf really does ask a lot of questions of his opponents. 175 00:10:09,807 --> 00:10:14,039 Only one more respoty-spot allowed before a double fifth is declared. 176 00:10:16,807 --> 00:10:19,082 Looking very mean, very concentrated. 177 00:10:19,447 --> 00:10:23,918 Extraordinary tactical player, the Hungry Wolf. Very hard to predict. 178 00:10:28,767 --> 00:10:30,439 Not giving anything away. 179 00:10:33,847 --> 00:10:35,485 Beryayina! 180 00:10:35,607 --> 00:10:37,598 And we have a full beryayina. 181 00:10:37,687 --> 00:10:39,996 And, as you can see, the object of the game is to see which player 182 00:10:40,087 --> 00:10:43,477 can make a workable picnic chair out of whatever materials are available. 183 00:10:43,567 --> 00:10:45,046 In this case, of course, with grass. 184 00:10:45,127 --> 00:10:47,516 Looks as if the Hungry Wolf has done it. Yes. 185 00:10:47,607 --> 00:10:51,316 Extraordinary speed. He's managed, and is ready to sit. 186 00:10:51,607 --> 00:10:53,723 Yes. And again… 187 00:10:54,167 --> 00:10:56,397 Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Katwan the Optimistic managing… 188 00:10:57,607 --> 00:11:00,804 …not even a steam iron, only a flat iron on this occasion. 189 00:11:01,487 --> 00:11:04,001 So once more, the Hungry Wolf, victorious. 190 00:11:06,967 --> 00:11:09,765 Hard to imagine who could defeat him this season. 191 00:11:10,887 --> 00:11:15,517 As he takes the styling comb, and generous applause. 192 00:11:17,287 --> 00:11:18,845 A remarkable champion. 193 00:11:19,887 --> 00:11:23,926 And next week we'll be in Chile for the Afwafada Spithade Games. 194 00:11:29,807 --> 00:11:31,126 I gotta ask you something. 195 00:11:31,207 --> 00:11:32,276 Go ahead. 196 00:11:32,367 --> 00:11:35,723 -Are you sleeping with my wife? -What? 197 00:11:35,807 --> 00:11:37,843 -I said, are you…? -I heard what you said. 198 00:11:37,927 --> 00:11:40,999 -So, you gonna… -What the hell kind of a question is that? 199 00:11:41,087 --> 00:11:43,282 Are you sleeping with my wife? You gonna answer? 200 00:11:43,367 --> 00:11:44,356 Hell, no. 201 00:11:44,807 --> 00:11:46,763 -Hell, no? -Hell, no. It's a dumb question. 202 00:11:46,847 --> 00:11:48,883 “Are you sleeping with my wife?” is a dumb question? 203 00:11:48,967 --> 00:11:50,366 You're damn right. 204 00:11:51,607 --> 00:11:53,723 -So? -So what? 205 00:11:53,807 --> 00:11:55,638 -So, are you sleeping with my…? -Don't ask me that. 206 00:11:55,727 --> 00:11:57,718 Don't ask me that dumb question. 207 00:11:58,447 --> 00:12:00,642 -That means yes. -What the hell means yes? 208 00:12:00,727 --> 00:12:03,560 “Don't ask me that dumb question” means yes? What the hell's the matter with you? 209 00:12:03,647 --> 00:12:06,002 You haven't answered my question. I asked you a question, you haven't answered it. 210 00:12:06,087 --> 00:12:08,078 For Christ's sake, I'm sitting here, I'm eating my dinner. 211 00:12:08,167 --> 00:12:11,318 I'm eating my dinner, and you start with these dumb questions. 212 00:12:13,047 --> 00:12:14,446 -If you're sleeping with my wife… -What? 213 00:12:14,527 --> 00:12:16,358 -I'll kill you. -What the hell you gonna do? You'll kill me. 214 00:12:16,447 --> 00:12:17,880 -Yeah, I'll kill you. -You'll kill your own brother? 215 00:12:17,967 --> 00:12:21,642 -Yeah, I'll kill my own brother. -Yeah, well, relax. I ain't sleeping with your wife. 216 00:12:23,167 --> 00:12:25,476 -You prove that? -Prove what? 217 00:12:25,567 --> 00:12:27,046 Can you prove you're not sleeping with my wife? 218 00:12:27,127 --> 00:12:29,402 How the hell am I… How the hell am I gonna prove that to you, huh? 219 00:12:29,487 --> 00:12:32,047 What would be nice, maybe, is if you believe me when I tell you something, 220 00:12:32,127 --> 00:12:35,005 instead of starting with all these dumb questions. 221 00:12:41,487 --> 00:12:44,081 -Okay. -Okay what? 222 00:12:44,567 --> 00:12:45,966 -Okay, I believe you. -You believe me? 223 00:12:46,047 --> 00:12:48,515 -Yeah. -Well, thank you. I can eat my dinner now? 224 00:12:48,607 --> 00:12:49,881 -Sure. -Okay. 225 00:12:52,967 --> 00:12:55,925 Are you sleeping with my sister? 226 00:12:56,007 --> 00:12:57,679 -What? -I said, are you sleeping with…? 227 00:12:57,767 --> 00:12:59,200 No, no, wait a minute, wait a minute. 228 00:12:59,287 --> 00:13:01,323 -You're my brother, right? -Right. 229 00:13:01,407 --> 00:13:04,717 -So, your sister is my sister. -What do you mean? 230 00:13:05,247 --> 00:13:06,396 What do you mean, “What do you mean?” 231 00:13:06,487 --> 00:13:08,523 You're my brother, right? So your sister is also my sister. 232 00:13:08,607 --> 00:13:10,245 We have the same sister, you and me. 233 00:13:11,007 --> 00:13:12,156 So what? 234 00:13:12,247 --> 00:13:15,239 So? So, Jesus, you're asking me if I'm sleeping with my own sister? 235 00:13:15,327 --> 00:13:16,919 -Are you? -What? 236 00:13:17,007 --> 00:13:18,884 What the hell kind of a question is that? 237 00:13:18,967 --> 00:13:20,366 Are you sleeping with your sister? 238 00:13:20,447 --> 00:13:24,235 What am I doing? What am I doing sitting here, listening to all this bullshit, huh? 239 00:13:24,327 --> 00:13:26,887 -You're eating spaghetti. -Spaghetti bullshit. 240 00:13:28,527 --> 00:13:31,405 -Bolognese. -I come here… I come here to eat my dinner, 241 00:13:31,487 --> 00:13:34,047 -and I get all this bullshit, for what? -Well, for… 242 00:13:34,127 --> 00:13:36,880 You shut your mouth. Shut your mouth, all right? 243 00:13:37,607 --> 00:13:40,440 Sleeping with my own sister, Jesus. 244 00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:50,160 -Are you sleeping with my mother? -That's it. One more word out of you… 245 00:13:50,247 --> 00:13:51,441 -And what? -You know what. 246 00:13:51,527 --> 00:13:53,279 You and your dumb bullshit questions. 247 00:13:53,367 --> 00:13:55,881 Whose dumb bullshit questions? I ask a question, that's all. 248 00:13:55,967 --> 00:13:58,117 Hey, Mama. Come on, you hear this, huh? 249 00:13:58,207 --> 00:14:00,801 -You hear all this bullshit he's giving me? -What bullshit? 250 00:14:00,887 --> 00:14:02,286 I ask a question is all. 251 00:14:02,367 --> 00:14:08,237 Both of my boys, they just adore new Ragazzo Sauce. 252 00:14:10,367 --> 00:14:12,437 Are you sleeping with my brother? 253 00:14:14,367 --> 00:14:17,040 Well, I'm completely mad. Utterly insane. 254 00:14:17,847 --> 00:14:21,283 There's a whole gang of us. The other day we went to the cinema. 255 00:14:21,367 --> 00:14:22,356 Mad. 256 00:14:23,927 --> 00:14:28,557 My nickname at school used to derive from the fact that I play with myself a lot. 257 00:14:30,287 --> 00:14:32,847 Yeah, we… I remember we had this teacher at school. 258 00:14:32,927 --> 00:14:35,361 She had… She had very large breasts. 259 00:14:35,567 --> 00:14:37,683 And we used to call her, I'll never forget this, 260 00:14:37,767 --> 00:14:40,156 we used to call her Mrs Wilson. 261 00:14:42,407 --> 00:14:46,241 We used to hope that our eldest son would become an engineer. 262 00:14:46,327 --> 00:14:49,524 But sadly, he became Minister for the Environment. 263 00:14:50,367 --> 00:14:54,246 The pamphlet, which was about the crisis in faith in the inner cities, 264 00:14:54,327 --> 00:14:56,921 was distributed at last year's synod. 265 00:14:57,007 --> 00:15:00,079 It was called, if I remember rightly, “Sit on my Faith.” 266 00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:04,604 Well, my next guest is a most unusual musician. 267 00:15:04,687 --> 00:15:07,520 He describes himself as an aromusician. 268 00:15:07,607 --> 00:15:11,600 To find out what that means, let's meet the self-styled professor of fragrance, 269 00:15:11,687 --> 00:15:13,245 Ottoman Nodge. 270 00:15:14,767 --> 00:15:16,803 Thank you. Thank you very much. 271 00:15:16,887 --> 00:15:18,240 Good evening, Professor. 272 00:15:18,327 --> 00:15:20,318 It's fantastic to be here. 273 00:15:20,487 --> 00:15:25,607 Now, you have a version of Mozart's Overture to The Marriage Of Figaro, 274 00:15:25,687 --> 00:15:27,279 which you are going to perform for us, I believe. 275 00:15:27,367 --> 00:15:30,086 Yes, quite right. Yes, this brilliant, fantastic piece, 276 00:15:30,167 --> 00:15:32,635 that's so popular for many, many years, 277 00:15:32,807 --> 00:15:35,560 has been heard in many versions. 278 00:15:35,727 --> 00:15:39,481 But never has before been transposed for fragrances. 279 00:15:39,567 --> 00:15:41,398 I see. Now, let me get this straight. 280 00:15:41,487 --> 00:15:45,844 You're going to do a version in which smells replace musical notes. 281 00:15:45,967 --> 00:15:49,277 You are shatting right that is what I am going to do, yes. 282 00:15:49,407 --> 00:15:51,682 My principle generally is this, 283 00:15:51,807 --> 00:15:55,880 that I take the vetivers and the wood barks 284 00:15:55,967 --> 00:16:00,518 and the darker, woodier tones for the minor key, 285 00:16:00,607 --> 00:16:04,805 and the richer, fruitier essences represent the major key. 286 00:16:04,887 --> 00:16:08,562 Well, that's enough talk. First of all, let's hear a snatch of the original. 287 00:16:08,647 --> 00:16:10,046 -Snatch? -Snatch. 288 00:16:10,127 --> 00:16:12,436 -You're sure, snatch? -Quite sure, thank you. 289 00:16:12,527 --> 00:16:14,518 Let's hear a snatch of the original. 290 00:16:24,087 --> 00:16:25,725 Well, thank you, Mozart. 291 00:16:25,807 --> 00:16:28,196 Now for my version. 292 00:16:28,527 --> 00:16:31,724 Of course, the great disadvantage of my technique 293 00:16:31,807 --> 00:16:34,958 is that I can only ever perform to an audience of one. 294 00:16:35,047 --> 00:16:36,844 So, this performance is just for me. 295 00:16:36,927 --> 00:16:39,157 That's right. I'm working, however, however, however, 296 00:16:39,247 --> 00:16:40,919 on the technique to overcome this. 297 00:16:41,007 --> 00:16:45,842 Now, we are in common time. So, three, four. 298 00:17:04,807 --> 00:17:07,879 Thank you. I now choose to revive him 299 00:17:07,967 --> 00:17:11,516 with my version of Take me Home, Country Roads. 300 00:17:11,647 --> 00:17:13,638 You're very kind. Thank you. 301 00:17:15,327 --> 00:17:19,718 Right. So, right. And right. 302 00:17:19,807 --> 00:17:23,686 So, er, Simon, I think… Erm, right. 303 00:17:23,767 --> 00:17:25,997 It's your choice, I think. 304 00:17:26,967 --> 00:17:29,037 A consonant please, Carol. 305 00:17:31,887 --> 00:17:34,196 Right, that's a “B”. 306 00:17:34,807 --> 00:17:35,796 Vowel. 307 00:17:37,607 --> 00:17:38,596 “O”. 308 00:17:39,327 --> 00:17:41,318 Another consonant please, Carol. 309 00:17:41,927 --> 00:17:43,246 That's “L”. 310 00:17:44,127 --> 00:17:45,719 And another consonant. 311 00:17:46,687 --> 00:17:47,836 Another “L”. 312 00:17:49,567 --> 00:17:50,716 Vowel, please. 313 00:17:52,447 --> 00:17:53,436 “O.” 314 00:17:54,607 --> 00:17:56,245 A consonant please, Carol. 315 00:17:58,047 --> 00:17:59,321 “C”. 316 00:17:59,887 --> 00:18:01,400 Another consonant, please. 317 00:18:01,527 --> 00:18:04,758 All right, that's an “S”. 318 00:18:05,767 --> 00:18:08,042 And another consonant please, Carol. 319 00:18:11,127 --> 00:18:12,401 And that's a “K”. 320 00:18:15,287 --> 00:18:19,041 All right, right. So… Right. 321 00:18:19,487 --> 00:18:23,480 Right, your countdown starts now. 322 00:18:37,047 --> 00:18:40,357 Right, so, Simon. 323 00:18:40,607 --> 00:18:43,201 -How did you get on? -Just four, I'm afraid. 324 00:18:43,287 --> 00:18:46,962 Four, just four. Right, so, four. 325 00:18:47,647 --> 00:18:50,878 And our champion, Liz, how about you? 326 00:18:50,967 --> 00:18:52,559 Four, as well. 327 00:18:52,647 --> 00:18:56,765 Right. Four, too. So, four each there. 328 00:18:57,007 --> 00:18:58,599 Good “four” each of you. 329 00:18:59,887 --> 00:19:04,005 Right. So, good. That's very interesting. So, four each. 330 00:19:04,087 --> 00:19:07,602 -What's your four? Simon first. -“Lobs”. 331 00:19:08,607 --> 00:19:11,440 Lobs. So, lobs. Right. 332 00:19:11,527 --> 00:19:14,485 Meaning lobs, I suppose. 333 00:19:15,127 --> 00:19:19,518 Right, right. Well, let me lob it over to you, eh, Liz. 334 00:19:19,607 --> 00:19:22,201 Can I ask what you got for your four? 335 00:19:22,367 --> 00:19:23,356 “Look”. 336 00:19:23,887 --> 00:19:27,800 Look, look, look. Right, look. 337 00:19:28,287 --> 00:19:32,997 I think we can allow that. No need to look that one up in the dictionary. 338 00:19:33,447 --> 00:19:36,757 So, what about our guardian of the dictionary, 339 00:19:37,047 --> 00:19:38,844 did you find anything better? 340 00:19:39,127 --> 00:19:43,200 Well, now, as a celebrity, rather than a member of the public, 341 00:19:43,327 --> 00:19:48,082 I naturally did rather better, and came up with “books” for five, 342 00:19:48,167 --> 00:19:50,522 or “blocks” for six, 343 00:19:50,607 --> 00:19:52,837 or there is an eight, actually. 344 00:19:53,207 --> 00:19:56,483 An eight, eight. So, eight. 345 00:19:56,567 --> 00:19:59,957 Well, that's a… Eight. That's very exciting. Eight. 346 00:20:00,047 --> 00:20:02,959 So, well, what's your eight? 347 00:20:03,127 --> 00:20:04,321 “Sloblock”. 348 00:20:06,367 --> 00:20:10,485 Sloblock. So, sloblock. Right. 349 00:20:10,567 --> 00:20:11,886 Sloblock. 350 00:20:11,967 --> 00:20:15,801 And what does “sloblock” mean, exactly? 351 00:20:15,967 --> 00:20:18,959 Basically, a sloblock means balls, 352 00:20:19,087 --> 00:20:21,043 the things we keep in our scrotums, 353 00:20:21,127 --> 00:20:24,039 or by extension, something that is rubbish 354 00:20:24,127 --> 00:20:26,038 or a pile of nonsense. 355 00:20:26,207 --> 00:20:29,677 “Oh, that's a load of sloblock,” you might say. 356 00:20:31,087 --> 00:20:35,797 I see, right. Well, let's hope no one calls this programme 357 00:20:35,887 --> 00:20:37,445 a load of sloblock. 358 00:20:39,367 --> 00:20:41,198 What's the difference… 359 00:20:41,327 --> 00:20:44,205 All right, what's the difference between a man and a woman? 360 00:20:46,087 --> 00:20:47,315 No? Oh. 361 00:20:48,327 --> 00:20:51,478 Excuse me, what's the difference between a man and a woman? 362 00:20:52,287 --> 00:20:54,039 No, me neither. 363 00:20:55,007 --> 00:20:57,965 Yeah, we… We may be slow. 364 00:20:58,327 --> 00:21:01,603 You know, but we're steady. We get there in the end. 365 00:21:02,127 --> 00:21:05,881 Oh, excuse me, madam. Does the name Jack the Ripper mean anything to you? 366 00:21:09,367 --> 00:21:11,881 “Well, there's no point going at it half-cock,” I said. 367 00:21:11,967 --> 00:21:16,279 “Mind you,” I said, “In your case, there's not much point going at it full-cock.” 368 00:21:23,007 --> 00:21:27,319 Good heavens, Jack. Good Lord, you gave me such a fright there. 369 00:21:27,927 --> 00:21:31,078 Oh, there I was mending the bloody old lawnmower. 370 00:21:31,167 --> 00:21:33,556 And, well, in actual fact it's… 371 00:21:33,647 --> 00:21:35,842 It's not an old lawnmower, it's quite a new lawnmower. 372 00:21:35,927 --> 00:21:38,395 That's why it's so bloody for having gone wrong. 373 00:21:38,487 --> 00:21:40,796 -Hello, Neddy. -Well, hello, Jack. Hello, Jack. 374 00:21:40,887 --> 00:21:45,517 Sorry. I was wittering there just now. Yeah, so… Well, you know, lawnmower's bust and… 375 00:21:45,607 --> 00:21:47,723 Well, how are you, Jack? 376 00:21:47,807 --> 00:21:49,126 I am well, thank you, Neddy. 377 00:21:49,207 --> 00:21:52,756 Well? Oh, that is good news. Good, good. Because, you know, here I was, 378 00:21:52,847 --> 00:21:54,758 thinking the world was a pretty bloody sort of a place, 379 00:21:54,847 --> 00:21:57,725 you know, you could pay good money for a lawnmower that doesn't even work. 380 00:21:59,007 --> 00:22:01,282 And then, you know, you tell me that you're well, 381 00:22:01,367 --> 00:22:04,120 and suddenly things don't seem to be so bad after all. 382 00:22:04,207 --> 00:22:05,765 Sort of puts everything in perspective. 383 00:22:05,847 --> 00:22:07,200 -Neddy? -Oh, Jack. 384 00:22:07,327 --> 00:22:10,080 -I have a question to put to you. -Oh, good. 385 00:22:10,167 --> 00:22:13,842 I would be very grateful if you could furnish me with an honest answer. 386 00:22:13,927 --> 00:22:15,963 Furnish you, Jack? Yes, yes, of course, I'll furnish you. 387 00:22:16,047 --> 00:22:19,676 Yes, you ask away, and leave the furnishing to me. 388 00:22:19,767 --> 00:22:20,836 Good. 389 00:22:21,127 --> 00:22:23,960 Yes, clever little toy, that, isn't it, Jack? Yes. 390 00:22:24,087 --> 00:22:25,998 It's called a Stanley knife. It's… 391 00:22:26,087 --> 00:22:29,159 It's a sort of knife made by a fellow called Stanley. 392 00:22:30,047 --> 00:22:32,845 First or second name, I'm not sure, Jack. I could find out. 393 00:22:32,927 --> 00:22:35,760 If you're interested, you know, make some inquiries, as it were. 394 00:22:35,847 --> 00:22:37,917 -Ingenious. -Do you like it? 395 00:22:38,007 --> 00:22:40,885 -Well, for goodness' sake, you keep it, old sport. -That's very kind of you, Neddy. 396 00:22:40,967 --> 00:22:44,118 Oh, don't mention it, Jack. Yes, plenty more where that came from. 397 00:22:44,207 --> 00:22:46,402 -Neddy? -Still here, Jack. Yes. 398 00:22:46,687 --> 00:22:49,076 How would you like to be Prime Minister? 399 00:22:52,047 --> 00:22:55,198 -Well? -Sort of a trick question, is it, Jack? 400 00:22:55,287 --> 00:22:57,755 -Not at all, Neddy. -“Not at all, Neddy”. 401 00:22:57,847 --> 00:22:59,917 Yeah, well, how would I like to be Prime Minister? 402 00:23:00,007 --> 00:23:02,157 Well, Jack, do you fancy a cup of tea? 403 00:23:02,247 --> 00:23:03,521 I could just pop in… 404 00:23:03,607 --> 00:23:08,044 When you've furnished me with an answer, Neddy, a cup of tea would be most agreeable, thank you. 405 00:23:08,127 --> 00:23:12,166 Well, Prime Minister. Yes. Well, yes, I expect it would be very enjoyable, 406 00:23:12,247 --> 00:23:13,316 to be Prime Minister, Jack, yes. 407 00:23:13,407 --> 00:23:16,558 You know, riding around in big motorcars, policemen saluting you and all that. 408 00:23:16,647 --> 00:23:18,842 Yes, I expect it would be very interesting work. 409 00:23:18,927 --> 00:23:20,883 You'd like to be Prime Minister? 410 00:23:20,967 --> 00:23:23,720 Well, I expect there are worse jobs. 411 00:23:26,167 --> 00:23:27,885 And what about your wife? 412 00:23:28,487 --> 00:23:31,399 No, I wouldn't like to be my wife, Jack. No, no. That would be, well… 413 00:23:31,527 --> 00:23:35,042 I mean, how would your wife take to you being Prime Minister? 414 00:23:35,527 --> 00:23:37,995 Well, I tell you what, Jack, why don't I pop in and ask her. 415 00:23:38,087 --> 00:23:40,442 I want your opinion, if you don't mind, Neddy. 416 00:23:40,527 --> 00:23:43,644 As you know, I represent a group of people. 417 00:23:43,727 --> 00:23:47,606 Yes, yes, I do know that, Jack. Yes. Very fine people, too. I have no doubt. 418 00:23:47,687 --> 00:23:50,042 A group of people who are becoming increasingly concerned 419 00:23:50,127 --> 00:23:52,243 at the direction in which this country is going. 420 00:23:52,327 --> 00:23:53,476 Right. Right, yes. 421 00:23:53,567 --> 00:23:56,798 We feel that the current Prime Minister won't do. 422 00:23:57,527 --> 00:23:59,916 -Won't do? -Won't do. 423 00:24:00,887 --> 00:24:04,084 -Won't do what, Jack? -Won't do, Neddy. 424 00:24:04,647 --> 00:24:06,683 -Oh, I get you. -Do you? 425 00:24:07,007 --> 00:24:08,156 No. 426 00:24:08,247 --> 00:24:11,364 We feel that a change is needed if disaster is to be averted. 427 00:24:11,447 --> 00:24:14,200 We want you to be the next Prime Minister. 428 00:24:15,327 --> 00:24:16,601 Crikey. 429 00:24:17,167 --> 00:24:20,557 Well, Neddy, will you do this for us? 430 00:24:21,247 --> 00:24:22,600 Oh, Jack. 431 00:24:23,207 --> 00:24:27,758 Well, first of all, let me say that I am deeply touched, 432 00:24:27,847 --> 00:24:29,075 deeply touched. 433 00:24:29,367 --> 00:24:31,961 You know, but, Jack, there is just… There is just one thing. 434 00:24:32,047 --> 00:24:33,366 Can I tell you something, Jack? 435 00:24:33,447 --> 00:24:35,517 -By all means, Neddy. -Right, well, Jack. 436 00:24:35,607 --> 00:24:39,486 You know, when I was at school, I used to play cricket for the third eleven. 437 00:24:40,287 --> 00:24:42,005 No bloody good, of course. 438 00:24:42,367 --> 00:24:43,959 Used to go in at number eight. 439 00:24:44,047 --> 00:24:48,165 Well, no, I went in at number seven once when Proby had his appendix out. 440 00:24:48,287 --> 00:24:50,243 But otherwise, you know, well down the order. 441 00:24:50,327 --> 00:24:51,919 Is this strictly necessary and relevant? 442 00:24:52,007 --> 00:24:55,477 Well, I think it is necessary and relevant, Jack. Yes, yes, I think it is. 443 00:24:55,567 --> 00:24:58,127 Well, you see, the point is that we used to play this match, 444 00:24:58,207 --> 00:25:00,562 this one match every year against Trenton House. 445 00:25:00,647 --> 00:25:03,525 A bit of a sort of needle match, Jack, to be honest with you. 446 00:25:03,607 --> 00:25:05,757 You know what boys are like. Well, anyway… 447 00:25:05,847 --> 00:25:08,919 This one year, they turned up without an umpire. 448 00:25:09,007 --> 00:25:12,761 And the captain told me to get out there and call the shots. 449 00:25:13,447 --> 00:25:17,326 And, well, the thing is, Jack, you know, I couldn't do it. 450 00:25:17,407 --> 00:25:18,920 What do you mean, you couldn't do it? 451 00:25:19,007 --> 00:25:21,965 Well, you know, Jack, the responsibility, the decisions, you know. 452 00:25:22,047 --> 00:25:24,277 “Howzat?” they would scream in my face, you know. 453 00:25:24,367 --> 00:25:27,564 And I just used to go into the most dreadful funk. 454 00:25:28,807 --> 00:25:31,765 Gave one chap out before he'd even left the pavilion. 455 00:25:32,287 --> 00:25:36,121 Well, what I'm really saying, Jack, is that, you know, I'm a follower. 456 00:25:36,207 --> 00:25:37,765 Not a leader, if you know what I mean. 457 00:25:37,847 --> 00:25:40,156 -Precisely, Neddy. -Precisely, Jack, yes. 458 00:25:40,247 --> 00:25:42,636 You are precisely the person we need. 459 00:25:43,207 --> 00:25:44,435 Oh, Lor. 460 00:25:44,527 --> 00:25:46,916 So, will you do this small thing for us? 461 00:25:47,167 --> 00:25:52,195 Well, of course I'll do it, Jack. Yes, good Lord, yes. Anything for my old pal, Jack. Yes. 462 00:25:52,287 --> 00:25:57,202 Excellent. Congratulations, Neddy. I know the country is in safe hands. 463 00:25:57,847 --> 00:26:00,725 The House of Commons sat in stunned silence today 464 00:26:00,807 --> 00:26:04,800 as the Prime Minister, Mr John Major, announced his intention to resign, 465 00:26:05,207 --> 00:26:09,917 saying he wanted to spend more time with his collection of miniature fire engines. 466 00:26:10,567 --> 00:26:14,719 His successor, a Mr Neddy Muldoon of Orchard Lane, St Neots, 467 00:26:14,807 --> 00:26:18,516 has been elected unopposed by the Parliamentary Conservative Party. 468 00:26:19,767 --> 00:26:21,837 I say, Jack. Not a bad turnout, is it? 469 00:26:21,927 --> 00:26:23,121 Mr Muldoon! 470 00:26:23,207 --> 00:26:24,526 Yes, over here. I'm Muldoon. 471 00:26:24,607 --> 00:26:28,998 Mr Muldoon, what is your position on Europe? Do you see yourself as a federalist? 472 00:26:29,927 --> 00:26:30,916 Er, crikey. 473 00:26:31,567 --> 00:26:36,197 Well, you know, federalist is as federalist does. That's always been my watchword. 474 00:26:36,287 --> 00:26:38,676 Does that mean you'll be advocating the German model 475 00:26:38,767 --> 00:26:39,882 in future discussions? 476 00:26:40,887 --> 00:26:45,005 Er, Jack, a boy from Trenton House is screaming “howzat” in my face. 477 00:26:45,087 --> 00:26:48,602 I believe very strongly in the notion of peace through strength. 478 00:26:48,847 --> 00:26:50,439 -Yes. So do I. -You do what? 479 00:26:50,527 --> 00:26:54,076 I believe in what Jack just said. Yes, peace through strength. Very important. Yes. 480 00:26:54,167 --> 00:26:55,725 And if it should become necessary… 481 00:26:55,807 --> 00:26:58,958 And if it should, at any time, become necessary… 482 00:26:59,047 --> 00:27:00,639 …to protect the interests of this country… 483 00:27:00,727 --> 00:27:05,198 …to protect, in a manner of speaking, the interests, as it were, of this country… 484 00:27:05,287 --> 00:27:07,357 …we will not hesitate to invade Poland. 485 00:27:07,447 --> 00:27:11,326 …we will not hesitate to invade… Excuse me. 486 00:27:11,487 --> 00:27:14,843 Er, Jack, you don't you think that's pitching it a bit strong, do you? 487 00:27:14,927 --> 00:27:17,122 -It's what we agreed. -We? 488 00:27:17,207 --> 00:27:20,119 Your supporters, Neddy. We agreed. 489 00:27:20,207 --> 00:27:23,677 But, Jack… Oh, hello, you've still got that knife I gave you. 490 00:27:23,767 --> 00:27:24,836 It's doing all right, is it? Useful? 491 00:27:24,927 --> 00:27:26,599 Very useful. Thank you, Neddy. 492 00:27:26,687 --> 00:27:29,884 Mr Muldoon, did you say that you were prepared to invade somewhere? 493 00:27:29,967 --> 00:27:32,800 Oh, no, no, no. Just a silly misunderstanding, no. 494 00:27:32,887 --> 00:27:37,278 What I always suggest in situations like this is that you sit round the table… 495 00:27:37,407 --> 00:27:41,036 Well, it doesn't have to be a round table, you could sit along the side of a long table. 496 00:27:41,127 --> 00:27:44,164 And just have a bit of an old chat and a head scratch. 497 00:27:45,167 --> 00:27:47,601 -Oh, Jack. -Yes, Neddy? 498 00:27:48,607 --> 00:27:51,963 -Someone's just gone and stuck a knife in me. -Officer! 499 00:27:52,047 --> 00:27:54,277 The police are after them now, Neddy. 500 00:27:56,647 --> 00:27:57,762 Are you all right? 501 00:27:57,847 --> 00:27:59,963 -Jack. -Yes, Neddy? 502 00:28:00,647 --> 00:28:02,603 I want you to have my lawnmower. 503 00:28:05,447 --> 00:28:08,120 Well, that seems to be about it for this week. 504 00:28:08,207 --> 00:28:09,959 That's right. Sadly, there isn't even enough time left… 505 00:28:10,047 --> 00:28:12,038 For you to finish that sentence. 506 00:28:12,607 --> 00:28:16,361 -So, it's good night from me. -And it's good night from me. 507 00:28:16,447 --> 00:28:19,359 -And it's good night from me. -And it's good night from me. 508 00:28:19,447 --> 00:28:21,324 And it's good night from me. 509 00:28:21,407 --> 00:28:24,365 We're going to leave you with tonight's cocktail recipe. 510 00:28:24,447 --> 00:28:27,359 And tonight, it's beef goulash. 511 00:28:27,927 --> 00:28:30,725 For this, you will need a microwave oven 512 00:28:30,807 --> 00:28:33,605 and a frozen packet of beef goulash. 513 00:28:34,007 --> 00:28:36,840 Please, Mr Music, will you play. 514 00:29:27,447 --> 00:29:28,721 Dinner is served. 515 00:29:28,807 --> 00:29:30,604 -Soupy twist. -Soupy twist.