1
00:00:01,607 --> 00:00:05,122
Hello, I'm now going to just
flip through some magazines.

2
00:00:05,207 --> 00:00:06,526
Er, this is Prima.

3
00:00:09,167 --> 00:00:12,603
Er, what have we got here?
We've got, well, obviously, Time magazine.

4
00:00:13,007 --> 00:00:15,441
Er, this is Woman's Own.

5
00:00:16,687 --> 00:00:19,645
And here we have Essentials, for bright ideas.

6
00:00:21,127 --> 00:00:23,083
Er, yes, I'm now going to go and see

7
00:00:23,167 --> 00:00:26,557
the person who first had the idea
of putting leaflets in magazines.

8
00:00:26,647 --> 00:00:27,682
Bye!

9
00:01:11,367 --> 00:01:13,835
My dear boy!

10
00:01:15,727 --> 00:01:19,402
Come in, come in, come in, come in.

11
00:01:24,127 --> 00:01:28,757
Don't mind Clothilda, she gets a little excited
when she sees strange men.

12
00:01:30,327 --> 00:01:32,841
This is Number 43 Cheyne Square, is it?

13
00:01:32,927 --> 00:01:36,636
Come through to my oubliette, my dear,
and faîtes comme chez vous.

14
00:01:39,727 --> 00:01:43,515
I shall mix you a little something devilish
of my own devising.

15
00:01:43,727 --> 00:01:47,003
A suspicion of Parfait Amour,
a hint of orgeat,

16
00:01:47,087 --> 00:01:51,524
a couple of cocktail cherries, some thick
cream and of course a sprig of hyssop.

17
00:01:51,727 --> 00:01:54,480
I call it my Moroccan Sunrise.

18
00:01:54,847 --> 00:01:59,477
And believe me, it has caused
many a son of Morocco to rise in its time.

19
00:01:59,567 --> 00:02:03,082
Oh! I should stop myself. I should really.

20
00:02:03,167 --> 00:02:06,523
Clothilda here will tell you
that I do go on so sometimes.

21
00:02:06,607 --> 00:02:07,642
Won't you, Clotty dear?

22
00:02:07,727 --> 00:02:10,366
I don't believe I caught your name?

23
00:02:10,567 --> 00:02:14,082
-Nigel Carter.
-Nigel Carter.

24
00:02:14,367 --> 00:02:17,120
Nigel Carter.

25
00:02:17,247 --> 00:02:20,557
There's a breath of something fine and ripe
in that name,

26
00:02:20,647 --> 00:02:24,481
something impossibly noble
and yet thrillingly rotten.

27
00:02:26,207 --> 00:02:28,482
Sit, Master Nigel Carter.

28
00:02:28,567 --> 00:02:30,956
Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

29
00:02:31,607 --> 00:02:33,359
It's called a lover's seat.

30
00:02:33,527 --> 00:02:38,317
And I picked it up in San Gimignano in 1963.
That and so much else besides.

31
00:02:39,207 --> 00:02:42,756
You may keep your clothes on for the moment

32
00:02:43,007 --> 00:02:46,124
while I weave my magic with my cocktail shaker.

33
00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:50,076
Clothilda shall amuse you with stories
of the gorgeous East.

34
00:02:50,407 --> 00:02:54,764
Er, yes, it's, um…
It's about the advertisement
in this month's Model Aeroplanes.

35
00:02:55,447 --> 00:02:58,996
Such a stimulating read. I never miss a copy.

36
00:02:59,367 --> 00:03:00,959
Yes. Erm…

37
00:03:01,247 --> 00:03:03,966
“Models wanted. Highest prices paid.

38
00:03:04,047 --> 00:03:07,642
“Apply Simbold Cleobury, 43 Cheyne Square.”
That is you, is it?

39
00:03:07,727 --> 00:03:08,955
It is I.

40
00:03:09,047 --> 00:03:13,120
My parents christened me Donald,
a name entirely without hope.

41
00:03:14,127 --> 00:03:17,039
Do you know, I think I'm going to
give you two cocktail cherries.

42
00:03:17,127 --> 00:03:19,641
One for each of your blue, blue eyes.

43
00:03:20,727 --> 00:03:25,278
I usually pay £30 for my models.
Does that seem fair, my dear?

44
00:03:25,407 --> 00:03:27,921
Oh, yes, yes, more than reasonable.
Yes. Erm…

45
00:03:28,127 --> 00:03:32,405
I've got a Sopwith Camel,
full RFC markings, scale 120th…

46
00:03:32,487 --> 00:03:33,806
I brought a photograph.

47
00:03:33,967 --> 00:03:35,286
A camel?

48
00:03:36,087 --> 00:03:40,319
Yes.
It's quite old but in very good condition.

49
00:03:40,567 --> 00:03:43,001
And where do you keep this camel,
Nigel Carter?

50
00:03:43,447 --> 00:03:45,165
Well, in my room at home in Greenford.

51
00:03:46,327 --> 00:03:51,447
And they dare to say, Nigel Carter,
that the age of romance is dead.

52
00:03:52,527 --> 00:03:55,166
I think you'll find it's the hyssop
that makes all the difference.

53
00:03:55,247 --> 00:03:57,681
I adore hyssop, don't you?

54
00:03:58,767 --> 00:03:59,882
Very tasty.

55
00:03:59,967 --> 00:04:04,404
So, what is the name of this camel
who lives with you in your room in Greenford?

56
00:04:04,807 --> 00:04:08,038
-Well, Sopwith.
-Sopwith. Too heavenly!

57
00:04:08,127 --> 00:04:11,836
Perhaps I shall paint you astride this Sopwith.
It's not impossible.

58
00:04:11,927 --> 00:04:15,044
But first I shall have you
sprawled on the tiger skin,

59
00:04:15,127 --> 00:04:18,244
firelight dancing on your naked,
shivering thighs.

60
00:04:19,767 --> 00:04:21,598
Have you modelled before?

61
00:04:21,687 --> 00:04:24,406
Oh, yes, yes, all my life.
Well, since I was four.

62
00:04:24,487 --> 00:04:28,685
-Mercy, Nigel. Mercy! Since you were four!
-Yes.

63
00:04:28,767 --> 00:04:31,839
-My grandfather started me off.
-So often the way.

64
00:04:35,047 --> 00:04:37,277
We both ended up covered in glue.

65
00:04:37,367 --> 00:04:40,086
Nigel, you amaze me.

66
00:04:40,647 --> 00:04:43,161
-It was a Fokker.
-It sounds it, Nigel.

67
00:04:44,047 --> 00:04:45,605
In glue, you say?

68
00:04:45,687 --> 00:04:48,565
Well, you need fear
no such extravagances from me.

69
00:04:48,647 --> 00:04:52,765
Perhaps a light brushing in oil
to bring out your flesh tones but nothing more.

70
00:04:53,287 --> 00:04:55,005
Er, would you like to see my jumbo?

71
00:04:57,527 --> 00:05:01,839
Nigel, I should like to see your jumbo
very much indeed.

72
00:05:02,127 --> 00:05:03,640
There you are.

73
00:05:04,367 --> 00:05:08,758
Nigel, this is a photograph
of a large jet aeroplane.

74
00:05:10,207 --> 00:05:13,961
Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know how that
got in there. Er, there it is, there.

75
00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:17,517
My, that is a jumbo, isn't it?

76
00:05:17,807 --> 00:05:20,480
Now, clothes off and on to
the tiger skin with you.

77
00:05:20,567 --> 00:05:21,636
Righto.

78
00:05:23,727 --> 00:05:28,039
Well, bring back hanging, I say.
These tumble dryers are useless.

79
00:05:29,887 --> 00:05:32,845
I was popping, absolutely popping to go,

80
00:05:32,927 --> 00:05:36,237
so I said,
“Do you mind if I use your toilet, love?”

81
00:05:36,327 --> 00:05:39,876
And she would have let me, too.
Only that Prince Philip told me to naff off.

82
00:05:43,007 --> 00:05:45,396
Smell. Smell.

83
00:05:45,767 --> 00:05:48,406
Smell. Smell!

84
00:05:51,127 --> 00:05:52,526
Was that the sort of thing you meant?

85
00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:55,081
Computers?

86
00:05:55,647 --> 00:05:56,841
Bollocks, more like.

87
00:06:00,607 --> 00:06:02,962
-Hello.
-Good morning, sir. Can I do you for anything?

88
00:06:03,047 --> 00:06:04,480
Yes, I rather hope you can.

89
00:06:04,567 --> 00:06:06,842
Yeah. Tricks, novelties, jokes, games?

90
00:06:07,487 --> 00:06:09,682
-Tricks, I think.
-What about the tie snipper?

91
00:06:09,767 --> 00:06:10,882
-Tie snipper?
-Watch this.

92
00:06:15,767 --> 00:06:17,883
-Yes?
-It's a beauty that one, isn't it, sir?

93
00:06:18,847 --> 00:06:22,044
-You cut off the end of my tie.
-Yeah. Very popular, that one.

94
00:06:22,127 --> 00:06:23,685
-Is it?
-Hugely popular.

95
00:06:23,847 --> 00:06:24,836
Hmm.

96
00:06:25,527 --> 00:06:27,119
Not really a trick though, is it?

97
00:06:27,927 --> 00:06:31,158
Yeah, you're right. It's more of a gag.
You want a trick? I'll show you a trick.

98
00:06:31,447 --> 00:06:33,836
Now then, put your finger in there.

99
00:06:34,167 --> 00:06:35,395
-You sure about this?
-Oh, yeah.

100
00:06:35,487 --> 00:06:36,806
It's a beauty, this one. You'll love this one.

101
00:06:36,887 --> 00:06:38,002
-Put your finger in there.
-Right.

102
00:06:38,087 --> 00:06:39,964
Right. I'll drop the blade like so…

103
00:06:41,727 --> 00:06:43,080
My finger is chopped off.

104
00:06:43,167 --> 00:06:44,759
Right. So that proves it works.

105
00:06:44,847 --> 00:06:47,042
Now then, I'll take this cigar,

106
00:06:47,887 --> 00:06:50,117
place that in there like so.

107
00:06:50,207 --> 00:06:54,359
I drop the blade and, hey sesame,
the cigar is intact.

108
00:06:54,447 --> 00:06:55,846
Now, explain that.

109
00:06:58,247 --> 00:07:00,886
Hmm. Have you got anything else?

110
00:07:02,327 --> 00:07:03,806
Have a look at that.

111
00:07:04,167 --> 00:07:06,556
A plastic dog turd,
not even a very convincing one.

112
00:07:09,047 --> 00:07:14,121
Ah! Fooled you.
It looks like a plastic dog turd,
but is, in fact, a real dog turd.

113
00:07:14,567 --> 00:07:15,556
Mmm.

114
00:07:16,967 --> 00:07:19,401
Well, I'll take a dozen.

115
00:07:22,207 --> 00:07:23,276
How nice.

116
00:07:23,367 --> 00:07:25,801
-How absolutely delightful.
-Charming.

117
00:07:25,887 --> 00:07:28,242
Quite charming. A charming restaurant.

118
00:07:28,327 --> 00:07:32,445
-A charming, as you say, restaurant.
-Really quite delightful.

119
00:07:32,647 --> 00:07:35,525
I think one of my favourite
really quite delightful restaurants.

120
00:07:35,607 --> 00:07:38,599
Yeah, I agree. I do agree.
I really do agree. I really do.

121
00:07:38,687 --> 00:07:40,166
Are you ready to order?

122
00:07:41,727 --> 00:07:44,195
-Did you say something?
-No.

123
00:07:44,287 --> 00:07:45,402
I thought I heard…

124
00:07:45,487 --> 00:07:48,320
I rather think it may have been
a member of the restaurant staff.

125
00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:50,565
Ah. Ah.

126
00:07:51,727 --> 00:07:52,762
Ah.

127
00:07:52,847 --> 00:07:55,600
-Are you ready to order?
-Yes, we are ready to order, thank you.

128
00:07:55,687 --> 00:07:59,919
I shall have the melon
followed by the roast lamb.

129
00:08:00,007 --> 00:08:02,202
Melon, lamb. And you, sir?

130
00:08:02,287 --> 00:08:06,758
I shall have soupe de poisson,
I think followed by roast lamb also.

131
00:08:07,847 --> 00:08:09,678
Fish soup, lamb.

132
00:08:09,807 --> 00:08:11,320
-I'm so sorry.
-Yes?

133
00:08:11,407 --> 00:08:14,046
-What did you just say?
-Fish soup, lamb.

134
00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:17,324
Ah! Yes.
Perhaps I didn't make myself absolutely clear.

135
00:08:17,407 --> 00:08:20,444
I would actually like some soupe de poisson.

136
00:08:20,567 --> 00:08:22,398
Soupe de poisson is fish soup.

137
00:08:23,247 --> 00:08:25,078
-Oh, dear.
-Oh, deary me.

138
00:08:25,887 --> 00:08:30,324
-Was I speaking too quickly for you?
-Yes, you seem to be a little bit confused.

139
00:08:30,407 --> 00:08:34,195
-I asked for soupe de poisson.
-Soupe de poisson.

140
00:08:34,527 --> 00:08:36,563
Soupe de poisson is fish soup.

141
00:08:36,647 --> 00:08:40,242
-No, no, no, no, no.
-No, no, no, no.

142
00:08:40,327 --> 00:08:42,238
No, I've obviously lost you.

143
00:08:42,527 --> 00:08:46,202
Soupe de poisson is soupe de poisson.

144
00:08:46,327 --> 00:08:51,117
-Do you see?
-One thing cannot be another thing. All right?

145
00:08:51,327 --> 00:08:55,036
Now, as you have gone to the trouble
of advertising soupe de poisson

146
00:08:55,127 --> 00:08:58,119
and I have gone to the great lengths
of ordering soupe de poisson,

147
00:08:58,207 --> 00:09:02,359
perhaps you would be kind enough to bring me
some soupe de poisson. Thank you.

148
00:09:03,807 --> 00:09:07,356
-And some mineral water.
-Mineral water.

149
00:09:07,967 --> 00:09:09,116
Thank you.

150
00:09:11,007 --> 00:09:14,363
-What a delightful restaurant.
-Absolutely delightful, yes.

151
00:09:14,447 --> 00:09:16,802
-Mineral water.
-Oh, dear.

152
00:09:16,887 --> 00:09:19,765
-Oh, waitress.
-Waitress.

153
00:09:19,887 --> 00:09:20,956
Yes?

154
00:09:21,047 --> 00:09:23,481
Can you remember what it was I asked you for?

155
00:09:23,567 --> 00:09:25,842
I think I saw you write it down.
Did you write it down?

156
00:09:25,927 --> 00:09:27,679
Yes. Mineral water.

157
00:09:27,767 --> 00:09:29,837
-Bravo.
-Excellent, well done.

158
00:09:29,927 --> 00:09:32,646
But you have brought a bottle of mineral water.

159
00:09:32,727 --> 00:09:36,003
Do you see? These are called bottles.

160
00:09:36,967 --> 00:09:38,798
We asked for mineral water.

161
00:09:38,887 --> 00:09:42,402
Mineral water, just as you carefully wrote down
on your small pad.

162
00:09:43,687 --> 00:09:46,201
-How much mineral water?
-Some.

163
00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:50,245
Some mineral water, I think we asked for.

164
00:09:50,327 --> 00:09:52,158
-Some.
-Some?

165
00:09:52,247 --> 00:09:56,035
Yes, however, we can check precisely
how much we requested from you.

166
00:09:56,127 --> 00:10:00,837
We do tape all our conversations
against just such a contingency.

167
00:10:03,887 --> 00:10:05,878
Get out the pair of you, you snotty wankers!

168
00:10:05,967 --> 00:10:08,481
Ah, no. No.

169
00:10:08,567 --> 00:10:11,604
-That was the restaurant we were in yesterday.
-Yes.

170
00:10:12,127 --> 00:10:15,642
-And what a delightful restaurant it was, too.
-Quite delightful.

171
00:10:16,727 --> 00:10:17,842
Here we are.

172
00:10:17,927 --> 00:10:20,999
-And some mineral water.
-Mineral water.

173
00:10:21,087 --> 00:10:23,920
-There. Do you see?
-Some mineral water.

174
00:10:24,007 --> 00:10:26,999
-No mention of bottles.
-Shall I bring it in a jug?

175
00:10:27,087 --> 00:10:28,725
Yes, now, you see, young lady,

176
00:10:28,807 --> 00:10:32,846
my suggestion to you is that you should
bring us mineral water in a jug

177
00:10:32,927 --> 00:10:35,043
when we ask for mineral water in a jug.

178
00:10:35,127 --> 00:10:39,040
Till then, we'd be very grateful
if you just brought us some mineral water.

179
00:10:39,127 --> 00:10:41,197
-Thank you.
-All right, thank you.

180
00:10:42,647 --> 00:10:45,878
-What a delightful restaurant.
-Simply charming restaurant.

181
00:10:49,687 --> 00:10:50,961
-Thank you.
-Thank you.

182
00:10:51,047 --> 00:10:52,036
Delightful.

183
00:10:52,127 --> 00:10:56,086
Now, I wonder, my dear, is there a
gents near by? I'm rather desperate for a pee.

184
00:10:56,207 --> 00:10:59,597
Well, there is one, but it was out of order
earlier on. I'll just check for you.

185
00:11:00,807 --> 00:11:03,879
-Charming waitress, do you see?
-This is right, do you understand?

186
00:11:09,647 --> 00:11:12,320
Yes, now, waitress.
You must forgive my stupidity…

187
00:11:12,407 --> 00:11:14,557
Well, you asked for it. Listen.

188
00:11:16,927 --> 00:11:18,997
I'm rather desperate for a pea.

189
00:11:21,647 --> 00:11:22,921
I see.

190
00:11:23,447 --> 00:11:26,041
I was four when I saw my parents at it.

191
00:11:26,127 --> 00:11:29,358
My father said he was mending the fuse
that made Mummy's teeth work.

192
00:11:29,447 --> 00:11:31,039
I believed him, too.

193
00:11:32,127 --> 00:11:36,359
No, er, very happily married.
Very happily married.
Very happily married, indeed.

194
00:11:36,967 --> 00:11:40,323
Er, my wife's away in Wales at the moment,
visiting her sister.

195
00:11:42,727 --> 00:11:44,319
This isn't going out on television, is it?

196
00:11:45,807 --> 00:11:47,240
Who the hell are you?

197
00:11:48,007 --> 00:11:49,725
Who is she? Go away.

198
00:11:50,087 --> 00:11:53,238
Is God an Englishman?
Well, that's a tricky one.

199
00:11:53,327 --> 00:11:54,965
Theologians are pretty much undecided,

200
00:11:55,047 --> 00:11:58,039
but I think it is universally accepted
that he isn't Welsh.

201
00:11:59,647 --> 00:12:02,207
Answer phones? Bollocks, more like.

202
00:12:10,007 --> 00:12:12,680
Oh, that was lovely, Michael.
Lovely. Absolutely lovely.

203
00:12:12,767 --> 00:12:14,883
I wouldn't mind going there myself.

204
00:12:15,087 --> 00:12:20,081
Well, hello, good morning and welcome
to this week's episode of Tahitian Kitchen.

205
00:12:20,167 --> 00:12:21,919
I'm Elizabeth Martin.

206
00:12:22,007 --> 00:12:24,362
Last week, if you can be bothered to remember,

207
00:12:24,447 --> 00:12:28,326
we looked at the preparation of main dishes,
Tahitian style.

208
00:12:28,407 --> 00:12:32,036
Well, this week I'm thinking of those
who might be on a tighter sodding budget,

209
00:12:32,127 --> 00:12:36,757
and so I shall be showing you
what to do with those cheaper off-cuts,

210
00:12:36,847 --> 00:12:38,485
the rarer offals and so on,

211
00:12:38,567 --> 00:12:42,640
which, while they may not look
so blasted, bloody-well tempting,

212
00:12:42,727 --> 00:12:47,278
can often be as appetising and nutritious
and arsingly well worth eating

213
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:49,642
as many of the dearer cuts.

214
00:12:49,727 --> 00:12:54,482
Well, I have here two ears,
which I've salted and marinated overnight.

215
00:12:55,367 --> 00:12:58,325
They come from a young Anglia journalist

216
00:12:58,807 --> 00:13:03,323
whom I slaughtered a couple of days ago
just outside Biggleswade.

217
00:13:04,087 --> 00:13:07,523
The important thing with ears
is that they should always be fresh.

218
00:13:07,607 --> 00:13:09,757
Now, what I'm going to do
is I'm going to combine them.

219
00:13:09,847 --> 00:13:10,882
I'm going to put them in a bowl

220
00:13:10,967 --> 00:13:13,561
and I'm going to combine them
with some testicles here.

221
00:13:16,247 --> 00:13:19,000
These are from
some Third Division football players.

222
00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:22,640
I'm going to put them in with the ears.

223
00:13:22,727 --> 00:13:27,278
And we're just going to add some fingers here,
which come from a Rod Stewart fan.

224
00:13:29,127 --> 00:13:33,086
They should all go in, including,
particularly delicious, of course, the thumb.

225
00:13:33,327 --> 00:13:37,479
Now, I'm just going to mix that
in a nice Provençal sauce of tomato and garlic.

226
00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:40,798
For those of you
who are more interested in feet and toes,

227
00:13:40,887 --> 00:13:44,596
I should urge you to remember
that smaller is tastier.

228
00:13:45,127 --> 00:13:47,641
These come from a Welsh heterosexual.

229
00:13:47,847 --> 00:13:52,557
Welsh toes are always preferable
if you can find them at this time of the year.

230
00:13:53,047 --> 00:13:56,039
Remember, too,
that toes are an absolutely ideal

231
00:13:56,127 --> 00:13:59,164
fork supper treat or appetising dip idea.

232
00:13:59,567 --> 00:14:03,082
-Michael, would you care to have a try?
-Well, I'm game for anything, Elizabeth.

233
00:14:03,167 --> 00:14:05,044
Don't I *** know it?

234
00:14:11,647 --> 00:14:14,923
-Mmm. Delicious.
-And they won't break the bank, either.

235
00:14:15,047 --> 00:14:17,845
And talking of not breaking the bank, Wilson…

236
00:14:18,287 --> 00:14:21,563
In this edition of My Favourite Pants,

237
00:14:21,647 --> 00:14:26,357
we visit the home of former
National Hunt jockey, Sir Clive Drummond.

238
00:14:26,887 --> 00:14:28,923
Though thankfully my daughter Jennifer

239
00:14:29,007 --> 00:14:33,319
now lives reasonably close at hand, so that's…
That's all worked out pretty well.

240
00:14:33,407 --> 00:14:35,363
Now these ones over here,

241
00:14:37,367 --> 00:14:40,086
not exactly my favourite pants,

242
00:14:40,767 --> 00:14:42,962
but ones, I think,
with the greatest sentimental value.

243
00:14:43,047 --> 00:14:48,075
Because, you see,
these used to belong to Arnold Travis,
the great Leicestershire fast bowler.

244
00:14:48,167 --> 00:14:49,919
He gave them to me shortly before he died.

245
00:14:50,007 --> 00:14:53,124
Now I can never look at these pants
without thinking of Arnold

246
00:14:53,207 --> 00:14:55,562
and that marvellous great booming laugh of his.

247
00:14:55,647 --> 00:14:58,639
And of course the day
he took five for 12 against Yorkshire.

248
00:14:58,727 --> 00:15:00,922
Wearing these very pants,
I think I'm right in saying,

249
00:15:01,007 --> 00:15:03,237
although Arnold could never give me
an absolute assurance of that.

250
00:15:03,327 --> 00:15:06,683
Ah, now, these ones here…
Again, not my favourite pants,

251
00:15:07,487 --> 00:15:11,082
but… Because I've always been
a lifelong Liberal, you see.

252
00:15:11,207 --> 00:15:13,926
And these pants used to belong
to Jimmy Westbrook

253
00:15:14,007 --> 00:15:17,602
who stood as the Liberal candidate
in the Newbury by-election of '61.

254
00:15:17,767 --> 00:15:20,645
Lost his deposit, unfortunately,
but fought a marvellous campaign

255
00:15:20,727 --> 00:15:22,524
and was admired by everyone who knew him.

256
00:15:22,607 --> 00:15:24,040
And he gave me these pants

257
00:15:24,127 --> 00:15:26,163
after the Liberal Party Conference
the following year.

258
00:15:26,247 --> 00:15:28,841
And he said that
if I ever wanted to go into politics,

259
00:15:28,927 --> 00:15:30,758
I ought to wear these pants.

260
00:15:32,047 --> 00:15:34,402
I never did, of course,
but a marvellous thought.

261
00:15:35,127 --> 00:15:38,802
Now, the pants I most like to wear
on a day-to-day basis are these ones.

262
00:15:40,327 --> 00:15:42,158
Marks and Spencer, so nothing very fancy.

263
00:15:42,247 --> 00:15:45,080
But, you know, I always say
there's little point in a fancy pant.

264
00:15:45,167 --> 00:15:46,566
You know, give me a…

265
00:15:46,647 --> 00:15:49,081
Give me a straight no-nonsense
Marks and Spencer pant,

266
00:15:49,167 --> 00:15:50,680
and I'm as happy as a sandboy, you know.

267
00:15:50,767 --> 00:15:54,237
These pants really are
the ideal working or leisure pant,

268
00:15:55,487 --> 00:15:57,478
equally at home in town or country.

269
00:15:58,407 --> 00:16:00,363
Truly a pant for all seasons.

270
00:16:01,607 --> 00:16:03,359
Yeah. Oh, good Lord, now, here…

271
00:16:03,567 --> 00:16:06,286
I'd quite forgotten about these. Now there's a…

272
00:16:06,367 --> 00:16:09,279
There's a very funny story
attached to these pants.

273
00:16:10,607 --> 00:16:14,236
But it must have fallen out.
It was stapled into the gusset there.

274
00:16:14,327 --> 00:16:17,000
I can't think what would have happened to that.

275
00:16:17,087 --> 00:16:19,521
Oh, now, yes. Now, look at this.

276
00:16:19,607 --> 00:16:22,883
These ones,
now these really are the Rolls-Royce of pants.

277
00:16:23,287 --> 00:16:26,199
These were made by
Wellard's of Bishop's Stortford,

278
00:16:26,967 --> 00:16:30,516
who made pants for, well,
just about everyone you can think of.

279
00:16:30,607 --> 00:16:31,960
They're custom made, as you can see.

280
00:16:32,047 --> 00:16:35,403
You put these on and you feel like a maharaja.
You really do.

281
00:16:35,687 --> 00:16:39,999
In fact, I often think it's a bit of a crime
to put trousers on over these ones.

282
00:16:40,247 --> 00:16:41,316
Yeah, yes…

283
00:16:41,407 --> 00:16:43,841
Quite often I'll put these on
outside my trousers

284
00:16:43,927 --> 00:16:48,842
and, you know, walk up and down the High Street
just admiring them in shop windows and so on.

285
00:16:49,167 --> 00:16:52,637
And let me tell you,
they attract quite a lot of attention.

286
00:16:53,407 --> 00:16:54,999
Now, these ones over here…

287
00:16:55,727 --> 00:16:58,116
No, you… You can't lick the system.

288
00:16:59,167 --> 00:17:00,839
You can give it a damn good fondling, though.

289
00:17:02,327 --> 00:17:05,797
I gave up smoking in July 1985.

290
00:17:06,527 --> 00:17:11,362
Just like that. Didn't cut down,
didn't get acupuncture. I just plain stopped.

291
00:17:12,007 --> 00:17:13,599
I've been in hell ever since.

292
00:17:15,007 --> 00:17:18,682
Oh, no, I've… I'm afraid to say,
I've never forgiven the Japanese.

293
00:17:19,327 --> 00:17:23,036
To this day I refuse
to have a Japanese car in the house.

294
00:17:24,447 --> 00:17:29,202
Well, he was drinking so much
low-alcohol beer that he was
in danger of becoming a low-alcoholic.

295
00:17:30,967 --> 00:17:33,037
Fax machines? Bollocks, more like.

296
00:17:34,327 --> 00:17:36,795
Well, way to go, get seriously down to that.

297
00:17:36,887 --> 00:17:40,596
Now it's time to crank it up and really
boogie to some back-to-back fat beat.

298
00:17:40,687 --> 00:17:44,441
Let's have ourselves a rocking good time
with the Bishop and the Warlord.

299
00:17:44,527 --> 00:17:45,846
Give me at least five.

300
00:17:56,487 --> 00:17:59,604
♫ Yes, my baby turns some heads

301
00:18:01,167 --> 00:18:03,601
♫ When she walks in through the door

302
00:18:05,127 --> 00:18:07,800
♫ She's got red, red ruby lips

303
00:18:09,647 --> 00:18:12,207
♫ And legs right down to the floor

304
00:18:13,767 --> 00:18:16,327
♫ She walks just like a wild cat

305
00:18:18,687 --> 00:18:21,406
♫ And she sings just like a dream

306
00:18:22,327 --> 00:18:24,682
♫ Yes, my baby

307
00:18:25,287 --> 00:18:28,484
♫ Well, she's the greatest thing
that you've ever, ever seen

308
00:18:29,687 --> 00:18:32,281
♫ I need the heat of your loving, baby

309
00:18:32,367 --> 00:18:35,518
♫ You've got to burn with your desire

310
00:18:35,607 --> 00:18:38,121
♫ Start smoking at the edges

311
00:18:38,487 --> 00:18:41,638
♫ Set yourself on fire

312
00:18:42,287 --> 00:18:46,041
♫ Oh, my baby is mine, mine, mine

313
00:18:46,127 --> 00:18:49,676
♫ My baby is mine, all mine, all mine

314
00:18:50,967 --> 00:18:55,643
♫ Set yourself on fire, my dear
Set yourself on fire ♫

315
00:18:56,327 --> 00:19:00,320
“Set yourself on fire.”
Four words, Your Honour.

316
00:19:00,487 --> 00:19:03,797
Four innocent words
every bit as common in our everyday language

317
00:19:03,887 --> 00:19:07,323
as “freedom” or “vitamin enriched”.

318
00:19:07,727 --> 00:19:10,605
But you play those four words backwards
and what do you have?

319
00:19:10,687 --> 00:19:12,484
Erifnoflesruoytes.

320
00:19:13,047 --> 00:19:14,765
But that isn't enough for these people. Oh, no.

321
00:19:14,847 --> 00:19:18,920
No, they're smarter than that, because
if you play “Erifnoflesruoytes” backwards,

322
00:19:19,007 --> 00:19:22,761
you can clearly make out the words
“Set yourself on fire.”

323
00:19:22,847 --> 00:19:27,045
A distinct explicitous
and unambiguoustical instruction to my client,

324
00:19:27,127 --> 00:19:28,480
which she obeyed,

325
00:19:28,567 --> 00:19:31,843
to pour a can of gasoline over her head
and set fire to it,

326
00:19:31,927 --> 00:19:34,600
causing untold physical
and mental traumatisation.

327
00:19:34,687 --> 00:19:36,643
Let me get this straight, Mr Sanchez.

328
00:19:36,727 --> 00:19:39,400
You're saying that your client
listened to the song…

329
00:19:39,567 --> 00:19:42,684
-Grease My Gristle, Blow My Whistle.
-Catchy title.

330
00:19:42,767 --> 00:19:46,282
-And as a result she set fire to herself?
-Precisely, Your Honour.

331
00:19:47,007 --> 00:19:49,999
As a matter of interest,
did she also grease her gristle and…

332
00:19:50,087 --> 00:19:53,841
She certainly did, Your Honour,
causing herself grievous internal bruisality.

333
00:19:53,927 --> 00:19:55,804
That case comes to trial next month.

334
00:19:55,887 --> 00:19:59,675
-Any other cases pending?
-Yes, Your Honour, we have a suit of $700 million

335
00:19:59,767 --> 00:20:01,405
against the rock group Queen

336
00:20:01,487 --> 00:20:05,878
who caused my client to suffer a broken jaw
by urging her to become champion of the world.

337
00:20:05,967 --> 00:20:08,083
-In what?
-Light-middleweight boxing.

338
00:20:08,167 --> 00:20:11,318
$400 million against Frankie Goes to Hollywood

339
00:20:11,407 --> 00:20:14,080
for instructioning her to relax and not do it.

340
00:20:14,167 --> 00:20:15,202
Relax and not do what?

341
00:20:15,287 --> 00:20:18,563
Relax and not apply the breaks of her
automobile at a T-junction.

342
00:20:18,647 --> 00:20:22,162
And finally $900 million against Jason Donovan.

343
00:20:22,367 --> 00:20:25,086
-For what?
-We haven't decided yet, Your Honour.

344
00:20:25,247 --> 00:20:29,684
I see. Well, that makes $2 billion.
Quite a substantial figure, Counselor.

345
00:20:29,767 --> 00:20:32,804
Well, to be honest, Your Honour,
my wife and I have seen a place down south

346
00:20:32,887 --> 00:20:34,002
that we're kind of keen on.

347
00:20:34,087 --> 00:20:36,396
It's, you know, space for the kids,
weekends, that sort of thing.

348
00:20:36,487 --> 00:20:38,762
-Oh, really? What's it called?
-Paraguay.

349
00:20:38,887 --> 00:20:39,956
That's nice.

350
00:20:40,047 --> 00:20:41,958
Now, do you have any witnesses?

351
00:20:42,047 --> 00:20:44,561
I certainly have. I call the defendant himself.

352
00:20:44,647 --> 00:20:48,560
The self-styled clergyman of cool,
Bishop of Attleborough.

353
00:20:48,847 --> 00:20:51,566
Take the book in your
right hand and say after me.

354
00:20:51,647 --> 00:20:54,207
-I have no objection…
-“I have no objection…”

355
00:20:54,287 --> 00:20:57,597
-…to this trial being televised…
-“…to this trial being televised…”

356
00:20:57,687 --> 00:21:00,599
-…and subsequently being made…
-“…and subsequently being made…”

357
00:21:00,687 --> 00:21:03,485
…into a motion picture,
book or stage musical, so help me God.

358
00:21:03,567 --> 00:21:07,276
“…into a motion picture,
book or stage musical, so help me God.”

359
00:21:08,327 --> 00:21:09,476
Now then,

360
00:21:10,207 --> 00:21:11,481
what is your name, sir?

361
00:21:11,567 --> 00:21:15,003
-My name is…
-Just answer the question “Yes” or “No”, please.

362
00:21:15,087 --> 00:21:16,805
What is your name?

363
00:21:16,927 --> 00:21:18,565
-Yes.
-Yes?

364
00:21:18,767 --> 00:21:21,042
-Yes.
-Is that your real name?

365
00:21:21,607 --> 00:21:23,199
-No.
-“No”, is your real name?

366
00:21:23,287 --> 00:21:24,515
-No.
-“No”, it's not your real name?

367
00:21:24,607 --> 00:21:26,165
-Yes…
-Objection, Your Honour…

368
00:21:26,247 --> 00:21:27,600
Objection overseen, Counselor.

369
00:21:27,687 --> 00:21:30,838
Now, Mr Yes, you are the lead singer
of the heavy metal band

370
00:21:30,927 --> 00:21:32,042
The Bishop and the Warlord?

371
00:21:32,127 --> 00:21:35,039
-That's substantially correct.
-Substantially?

372
00:21:35,167 --> 00:21:36,282
Well, of course being a bishop

373
00:21:36,367 --> 00:21:39,040
means I have to spend a great deal of time
within my own diocese

374
00:21:39,127 --> 00:21:41,766
as well as attending council of synod meetings,

375
00:21:42,167 --> 00:21:45,125
which means I have only limited amount of time
to devote to the band.

376
00:21:45,207 --> 00:21:48,438
-But you are, in essence, correct.
-I am, in essence, correct.

377
00:21:48,527 --> 00:21:52,805
I see, and when you look upon
the poor wretched figure of my client, Mr Yes,

378
00:21:52,887 --> 00:21:55,606
an innocent victim of your handiwork,
how do you feel?

379
00:21:55,687 --> 00:22:00,124
Your Honour, I really must stand up
and make some pretence of earning my fee.

380
00:22:00,207 --> 00:22:03,563
-Nice work, Counselor.
-I say it again, how do you feel?

381
00:22:03,647 --> 00:22:06,400
Well, most awfully sorry.

382
00:22:07,327 --> 00:22:09,443
“Most awfully sorry.”

383
00:22:09,847 --> 00:22:14,557
But it simply never crossed my mind
that people could be told what to do so easily.

384
00:22:14,807 --> 00:22:17,879
I mean, for instance,
perhaps you know our second album,

385
00:22:17,967 --> 00:22:20,800
May I Plant My Bulb in Your Window Box?

386
00:22:21,207 --> 00:22:24,756
There was a song in that which I wrote called,
Bake Me a Love Soufflé.

387
00:22:24,847 --> 00:22:27,077
Now, surely you're not suggesting
that anybody would go to such…

388
00:22:27,167 --> 00:22:30,796
Love soufflé. One baked by my client.

389
00:22:30,887 --> 00:22:33,082
Sadly, at no personal injury to herself.

390
00:22:33,167 --> 00:22:36,955
Mr Yes, in the light of this evidence
I have no choice but to find for the plaintiff.

391
00:22:37,487 --> 00:22:39,921
Do you have anything to say
before I name the amount?

392
00:22:40,007 --> 00:22:43,682
-Well, yes, Your Honour. One thing does occur.
-Yes?

393
00:22:44,087 --> 00:22:45,725
Perhaps I can put it this way.

394
00:22:45,807 --> 00:22:47,320
-One, two, three.
-Objection!

395
00:22:47,407 --> 00:22:48,476
♫ Woman!

396
00:22:49,687 --> 00:22:51,120
♫ Woman, drop your case

397
00:22:51,207 --> 00:22:54,358
♫ Woman! Woman, get out of my face!

398
00:22:55,807 --> 00:22:58,719
♫ Woman, forget the whole thing ever happened

399
00:22:58,807 --> 00:23:02,163
♫ Drop those charges and pay my legal costs

400
00:23:02,247 --> 00:23:05,080
♫ Woman, you know this case is as good as lost

401
00:23:05,167 --> 00:23:06,919
♫ Woman, get out of my life

402
00:23:07,007 --> 00:23:08,884
♫ Woman, get out of my face

403
00:23:08,967 --> 00:23:12,118
♫ Get out of my face, woman
Get out of my face ♫

404
00:23:12,207 --> 00:23:15,836
Your Honour after due consultation
with my client she has asked me to say

405
00:23:15,927 --> 00:23:20,318
that she would like to drop all charges,
pay all the legal costs and, er…

406
00:23:21,727 --> 00:23:24,446
She would also like permission
to get out of his face.

407
00:23:24,527 --> 00:23:27,087
Such permission is so engranted, Mr Sanchez.

408
00:23:27,167 --> 00:23:29,806
Case dismissulated. Next case.

409
00:23:29,887 --> 00:23:32,765
The state would like to call
Mr Tony Inchpractice.

410
00:23:32,847 --> 00:23:35,202
Hello, I'm Tony Inchpractice.

411
00:23:35,567 --> 00:23:40,846
Welcome to Flying a Light Aeroplane
Without Having Had Any Formal Instruction With.

412
00:23:41,247 --> 00:23:45,923
Today I shall be flying a light aeroplane
without having had any formal instruction

413
00:23:46,007 --> 00:23:49,682
with Sir Peter Winstanton,
former Chairman of the National Trust

414
00:23:49,767 --> 00:23:52,486
and now Maître de Danse
at the Galliard Ballet Company.

415
00:23:52,567 --> 00:23:55,001
-Hello, Sir Peter.
-Good afternoon, Johnny.

416
00:23:55,167 --> 00:23:57,442
-No, my name isn't Johnny.
-Never said it was.

417
00:23:57,527 --> 00:24:01,406
Right. Now, Sir Peter, have you ever flown
a light aeroplane before?

418
00:24:01,487 --> 00:24:03,796
-Never have, Johnny, never, no.
-Never had any lessons?

419
00:24:03,887 --> 00:24:05,718
Oh, I've had lessons, yes, yes…

420
00:24:05,807 --> 00:24:09,117
-History, Geography, English, Maths…
-Yes, but not in flying?

421
00:24:09,207 --> 00:24:11,198
-Flying, no.
-No, and I've never flown before.

422
00:24:11,287 --> 00:24:14,006
-Is this something you've always wanted to do?
-Not particularly.

423
00:24:14,087 --> 00:24:17,045
So when you rang up
I absolutely leapt at the chance.

424
00:24:17,327 --> 00:24:20,763
-Right. Well, Sir Peter, shall we?
-Right.

425
00:24:20,887 --> 00:24:22,161
I mean, I don't know if you…

426
00:24:22,247 --> 00:24:25,683
Actually, would it be all right if I sat
in the front? Because I tend to get a bit sick…

427
00:24:25,767 --> 00:24:27,086
-It's fine by me, yes.
-…if I'm in the back.

428
00:24:27,167 --> 00:24:28,566
-Absolutely, carry on.
-Right.

429
00:24:28,647 --> 00:24:30,478
Put… Yes, that's it.

430
00:24:30,647 --> 00:24:31,762
Now…

431
00:24:31,847 --> 00:24:36,477
Sir Peter, can I begin by asking you
about your early childhood influences?

432
00:24:36,567 --> 00:24:39,479
Your parents died when you were very young,

433
00:24:39,567 --> 00:24:44,595
and you were brought up by an aunt in a
boarding house on the South Coast, I believe.

434
00:24:44,687 --> 00:24:46,086
Yes, that's right.

435
00:24:46,567 --> 00:24:49,639
So, what… What exactly do we do now?

436
00:24:49,767 --> 00:24:51,359
Haven't got the faintest idea, I'm afraid.

437
00:24:51,447 --> 00:24:52,721
-Ah.
-It's, I suppose…

438
00:24:52,807 --> 00:24:54,160
-Start the, um…
-Mmm.

439
00:24:54,247 --> 00:24:57,284
You know, in my Saab,
it won't start unless you're in park.

440
00:24:58,007 --> 00:25:00,840
I do say. Well, let's try a few knobs.

441
00:25:00,927 --> 00:25:04,363
So, presumably, yours must have been
rather a lonely childhood?

442
00:25:04,767 --> 00:25:08,316
-Hello! That was a stroke of luck.
-Well done!

443
00:25:08,407 --> 00:25:10,841
Tell you what.
Have you got any levers in the back?

444
00:25:10,927 --> 00:25:12,883
-Any what?
-Levers in the back.

445
00:25:14,007 --> 00:25:16,885
No, I tell you what. I have got a hat, though.

446
00:25:16,967 --> 00:25:18,082
-A hat?
-Yes.

447
00:25:18,167 --> 00:25:20,078
-Oh, I've got a hat.
-Hats on?

448
00:25:20,167 --> 00:25:21,998
-Hats on, good idea.
-Right.

449
00:25:25,167 --> 00:25:27,727
Oh, what the hell? I'll just pull everything.

450
00:25:28,887 --> 00:25:31,242
Oh, hello! Looks like we're off.

451
00:25:33,367 --> 00:25:37,565
-I'll just head for the trees, shall I?
-Fine with me, Sir Peter.

452
00:25:37,647 --> 00:25:39,399
Now, Sir Peter, can I ask you?

453
00:25:39,487 --> 00:25:41,284
You've often said that your wife

454
00:25:41,367 --> 00:25:43,881
has been an important source of encouragement
in your career.

455
00:25:43,967 --> 00:25:45,320
How did you actually come to meet?

456
00:25:45,407 --> 00:25:47,045
Well, there's a story behind that, actually.

457
00:25:47,127 --> 00:25:48,879
-Is there? I thought there might be.
-Yes.

458
00:25:48,967 --> 00:25:51,800
-I went to a fancy dress party in Bournemouth…
-Oh, how nice.

459
00:25:51,887 --> 00:25:54,606
…and I was dressed as an airmail parcel.

460
00:25:54,887 --> 00:25:57,765
I then got posted overseas.

461
00:25:57,847 --> 00:25:59,519
-Right.
-And I met her in Bombay.

462
00:25:59,607 --> 00:26:01,643
-Bombay?
-Bombay. And…

463
00:26:01,727 --> 00:26:03,558
Was it love at first sight,
do you mind me asking?

464
00:26:03,647 --> 00:26:07,083
-I adored Bombay. It's a lovely city. Lovely city.
-Right.

465
00:26:07,167 --> 00:26:10,364
Oh! Hello.
Oh, I thought for a moment we were off.

466
00:26:10,447 --> 00:26:13,245
Well, I have to say, Sir Peter,
I think you're doing enormously well.

467
00:26:13,327 --> 00:26:15,443
-Well, beginners' luck, I think.
-Yes.

468
00:26:15,527 --> 00:26:18,325
-We're definitely off the ground now.
-It really is splendid.

469
00:26:21,247 --> 00:26:22,885
How about that?

470
00:26:23,527 --> 00:26:26,360
Oh, hello? Oh, no, there go my car keys.

471
00:26:26,447 --> 00:26:27,562
Oh, no, you haven't, have you?

472
00:26:27,647 --> 00:26:31,356
I hope they don't land on the button or
they'll open all the car doors automatically.

473
00:26:31,447 --> 00:26:32,960
-That's what happens.
-Yes.

474
00:26:33,047 --> 00:26:35,038
Now, Sir Peter,

475
00:26:35,127 --> 00:26:38,119
how and when
did you come to join the National Trust?

476
00:26:38,207 --> 00:26:39,606
Well, it was a strange thing, I…

477
00:26:39,687 --> 00:26:42,440
This looks like it's…
Is it landing, do you think?

478
00:26:42,527 --> 00:26:45,166
-Well, it's as near as one can get I suppose.
-Yes, yes.

479
00:26:45,247 --> 00:26:47,477
So what happened was… Oh!
-Oh! Hello.

480
00:26:47,567 --> 00:26:50,127
I wrote a letter to the National Trust group

481
00:26:50,207 --> 00:26:53,358
-asking if I could join them.
-Yes. Do you mind not actually doing this?

482
00:26:53,447 --> 00:26:54,846
-This bouncing.
-Are you getting a bit queasy?

483
00:26:54,927 --> 00:26:57,043
Just a little bit queasy, yes.
-You in the back, of course.

484
00:26:58,327 --> 00:27:00,477
So sorry.
-Oh, my word.

485
00:27:02,007 --> 00:27:04,316
So, Sir Peter, where to from here?

486
00:27:04,407 --> 00:27:08,195
Well, I think probably
the Bell at Aston Clinton for a spot of tea.

487
00:27:08,287 --> 00:27:09,766
Jolly nice, too.

488
00:27:11,767 --> 00:27:13,883
Testicles? Bollocks, more like.

489
00:27:16,567 --> 00:27:18,558
Well, that's about it for this week.

490
00:27:19,007 --> 00:27:20,838
Indeed that's about it for this series.

491
00:27:20,887 --> 00:27:24,323
If you've enjoyed this series of
A Bit of Fry & Laurie,

492
00:27:24,407 --> 00:27:26,079
you may like to know that the BBC

493
00:27:26,167 --> 00:27:29,204
are bringing out some special
commemorative oven gloves

494
00:27:29,287 --> 00:27:32,643
in the shape of
special commemorative oven gloves.

495
00:27:32,727 --> 00:27:34,957
And for those of you
who like to get out into the garden…

496
00:27:35,047 --> 00:27:36,116
-Hugh.
-I'm sorry.

497
00:27:36,207 --> 00:27:38,163
I do beg your pardon.
I shouldn't have said that.

498
00:27:38,247 --> 00:27:40,807
All right. So until we meet the next time,

499
00:27:40,887 --> 00:27:43,447
and who knows where
or under what circumstances,

500
00:27:43,527 --> 00:27:46,360
there's just time for me to say,
it's good night from me.

501
00:27:46,447 --> 00:27:49,166
-And it's good night from me.
-And it's good night from me.

502
00:27:49,247 --> 00:27:52,205
-And it's good night from me.
-And it's good night from me.

503
00:27:52,287 --> 00:27:54,403
And it's good night from me.

504
00:27:54,487 --> 00:27:58,196
And we're going to leave you now
with our final cocktail recipe.

505
00:27:58,367 --> 00:28:01,564
And this one's called Berliner Credit Sequence.

506
00:28:01,647 --> 00:28:04,115
For this you will a need a television set,

507
00:28:04,207 --> 00:28:06,437
the names in German of all the people

508
00:28:06,527 --> 00:28:09,837
who go to make up
a faintly amusing television series

509
00:28:09,927 --> 00:28:12,157
and a plate of tomato sandwiches.

510
00:28:12,607 --> 00:28:16,805
Now, I'm going to ask
the master magician of handcraft himself,

511
00:28:17,087 --> 00:28:19,726
Mr Music, for the very last time,

512
00:28:19,807 --> 00:28:23,038
to weave a dizzying, jazz pattern of sound.

513
00:28:23,127 --> 00:28:25,482
As I say for the final time,

514
00:28:25,567 --> 00:28:28,206
please, Mr Music, will you play?