1
00:00:04,487 --> 00:00:07,524
Between desire and reality.

2
00:00:08,407 --> 00:00:09,635
A bit.

3
00:00:09,635 --> 00:00:13,083
Between fact and breakfast,

4
00:00:13,083 --> 00:00:17,922
madness, lies, lies, lies…

5
00:00:17,922 --> 00:00:19,486
A bit.

6
00:00:19,486 --> 00:00:22,917
I hate you, I hate you and yet…

7
00:00:23,367 --> 00:00:24,959
I hate you…

8
00:00:26,116 --> 00:00:30,041
As love, rage and aches of the ear.

9
00:00:35,247 --> 00:00:38,557
Pretension by Fry and Laurie.

10
00:00:48,287 --> 00:00:52,166
Strangest thing, really, isn't it?
Tony's off to lunch again.

11
00:00:52,166 --> 00:00:55,319
I swear that man gets earlier and earlier
every time.

12
00:00:55,319 --> 00:00:58,558
He's gonna meet himself
having breakfast one day.

13
00:00:59,327 --> 00:01:00,999
You all right, old fellow?

14
00:01:01,847 --> 00:01:04,884
Oh, I'm… Yes, yes, sorry, I'm just…

15
00:01:05,127 --> 00:01:08,881
No, come on, come on. Whatever it is,
out with it. It can't be that bad.

16
00:01:08,881 --> 00:01:11,401
I… I just can't help feeling that,

17
00:01:12,127 --> 00:01:14,880
you know, my life is grey and hopeless.

18
00:01:15,767 --> 00:01:20,079
Grey and hopeless? Grey and hopeless?
Whatever do you mean?

19
00:01:20,079 --> 00:01:23,443
Well, you know, I look into the future,
and what do I see?

20
00:01:23,443 --> 00:01:25,478
I don't know. What do you see?

21
00:01:26,007 --> 00:01:29,716
Just the blank rolling of the years,
one after another, like…

22
00:01:30,447 --> 00:01:33,644
Like grey, hopeless waves
beating against my brain

23
00:01:33,644 --> 00:01:36,446
until the blood runs out of my ears.

24
00:01:36,446 --> 00:01:38,165
Oh, come on now.

25
00:01:38,165 --> 00:01:42,160
Look at you, you've got a lovely wife.
Well, you've got a wife.

26
00:01:42,407 --> 00:01:45,877
You've got a very pleasant house,
three loving goldfish…

27
00:01:45,877 --> 00:01:49,721
Oh, I know, I know. But…
Well, I mean, what does it mean?

28
00:01:50,007 --> 00:01:52,999
You know, we live in a doomed world.

29
00:01:53,527 --> 00:01:56,360
Oh, nonsense, what do you mean, “doomed”?

30
00:01:56,360 --> 00:02:00,918
Nobody likes anybody any more.
Nobody cares about anybody or anything.

31
00:02:01,687 --> 00:02:06,317
People go around hitting and stealing
and stabbing and insulting.

32
00:02:07,207 --> 00:02:11,246
Cities are unbreathable,
the countryside's a poisonous mess.

33
00:02:11,246 --> 00:02:14,399
You can get beaten up by a 12-year-old,
and ripped off by your neighbour.

34
00:02:14,399 --> 00:02:17,285
Well, I grant you, things aren't perfect,
but I mean…

35
00:02:17,285 --> 00:02:20,643
There are no certainties any more,
it's just battle lines.

36
00:02:20,887 --> 00:02:24,596
There's no pleasure in anything,
except in getting drunk,

37
00:02:24,847 --> 00:02:29,125
or high on dangerous drugs
supplied by maniacs with machine guns.

38
00:02:29,125 --> 00:02:32,922
Well, it's a grim old world, all right,
but surely it's always been like…

39
00:02:32,922 --> 00:02:36,682
I mean, films and music are crap,
books are crap.

40
00:02:37,487 --> 00:02:41,002
Streets are so full, you can't walk in a town
without getting pushed off the pavement.

41
00:02:41,002 --> 00:02:44,557
Roads are unusable, trains are a bloody joke.

42
00:02:45,807 --> 00:02:50,437
The politicians are so feeble-minded and
gutless, you can't even hate them.

43
00:02:52,847 --> 00:02:55,919
Even sport isn't that much fun any more, is it?

44
00:02:56,167 --> 00:02:59,318
You smile at someone in the street,
you're either knifed in the kidneys,

45
00:02:59,318 --> 00:03:01,284
or up in court for rape.

46
00:03:02,647 --> 00:03:07,198
Looking at a newspaper is like
opening a fold of used lavatory paper.

47
00:03:07,727 --> 00:03:11,242
You turn on the television,
you're sprayed in coloured vomit.

48
00:03:11,607 --> 00:03:13,996
It's frigging useless, isn't it?

49
00:03:14,207 --> 00:03:15,686
We're done for.

50
00:03:15,686 --> 00:03:18,156
We're shagged. We're absolutely shagged.

51
00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:20,124
It's grey and hopeless.

52
00:03:20,487 --> 00:03:24,526
No pleasure, no prospect, no future, nothing.

53
00:03:24,807 --> 00:03:28,004
Just grey, hopeless hell.

54
00:03:28,927 --> 00:03:32,283
-Jesus.
-Oh, Christ Jesus.

55
00:03:33,087 --> 00:03:36,318
We're dead, we're dead,
we're dead, we're dead.

56
00:03:39,047 --> 00:03:43,120
Well, first of all,
my colleague and I would like to
welcome you to a brand-spanking-new series

57
00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:45,323
of A Bit of Fry and Laurie,

58
00:03:45,323 --> 00:03:49,798
the show that tries to put a bit of jolliness
back into the darker corners of modern Britain,

59
00:03:49,798 --> 00:03:51,320
-but doesn't.
-Mmm.

60
00:03:51,607 --> 00:03:53,359
Yes, I'd…

61
00:03:53,359 --> 00:03:57,116
I'd like to add my own individual welcome,
on a more personal note,

62
00:03:57,116 --> 00:03:59,198
separate and distinct
from my colleague's joint welcome,

63
00:03:59,198 --> 00:04:02,279
which I always think is
a bit stiff, bit formal.

64
00:04:02,847 --> 00:04:06,203
Uh, you know, my welcome's
really just a bit of an old “Hi.”

65
00:04:06,887 --> 00:04:08,843
Sort of, just… Just, “Hi.”

66
00:04:10,567 --> 00:04:11,602
Jesus.

67
00:04:11,602 --> 00:04:15,726
So, the choice of welcomes on BBC television,

68
00:04:15,726 --> 00:04:18,765
it's either,
“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,”
or it's…

69
00:04:18,765 --> 00:04:19,836
Hi.

70
00:04:20,687 --> 00:04:23,201
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, you're very kind.

71
00:04:23,201 --> 00:04:25,676
How very sweet. Thank you so much.

72
00:04:25,676 --> 00:04:27,564
Thank you. Thank you.

73
00:04:27,564 --> 00:04:32,118
Well, now my colleague and I would like
to introduce some guests

74
00:04:32,118 --> 00:04:35,199
onto the A Bit of Fry and Laurie programme.

75
00:04:35,199 --> 00:04:39,326
That's right. They're going to be popping in
and out over the next half-an-hour or so,

76
00:04:39,326 --> 00:04:43,764
fetching, carrying, handing round bowls
of nuts and raisins during the quiet portions.

77
00:04:43,764 --> 00:04:47,283
And the first of those guests is,
well, will you please welcome,

78
00:04:47,283 --> 00:04:52,043
cook, father of nine, cook and amateur chef,

79
00:04:52,043 --> 00:04:53,958
yes, it's John Bird.

80
00:05:05,687 --> 00:05:07,837
-John, welcome.
-Thank you, great to be here.

81
00:05:07,837 --> 00:05:09,246
It is, isn't it? We were just saying that.

82
00:05:09,246 --> 00:05:11,204
-So much better than being over there.
-Yeah.

83
00:05:11,204 --> 00:05:15,166
John, tell the ladies and gentlemen
what you've been up to for the past 30 years,

84
00:05:15,166 --> 00:05:20,002
and what plans you've come up with
for the restructuring of modern Britain.

85
00:05:20,002 --> 00:05:21,884
-Well…
-You're a Sagittarian, is that right?

86
00:05:21,884 --> 00:05:24,800
-Yes.
-Mmm-hmm. And your favourite colour is?

87
00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:29,165
Aquamarine with a streak of mottled purple
where it joins the edge.

88
00:05:30,487 --> 00:05:32,603
They like you already, John. I can tell.

89
00:05:32,603 --> 00:05:36,282
I know this crowd.
They're a crazy crowd, and they like you. Hugh.

90
00:05:36,282 --> 00:05:41,396
Well, our next, last and final guest,
last, next and final guest,

91
00:05:41,396 --> 00:05:46,322
is the chef, writer, author,
chef, cook and amateur professional,

92
00:05:46,322 --> 00:05:47,920
yes, it's Jane Booker.

93
00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:50,077
-No, it isn't.
-It is.

94
00:05:53,287 --> 00:05:54,276
Jane, hello.

95
00:05:58,167 --> 00:06:00,203
Jane, you worked, um…

96
00:06:02,127 --> 00:06:05,881
You worked with Norman Lamont.
What was he like as a man, as a human being?

97
00:06:05,881 --> 00:06:09,482
Well, I remember once
driving back from Bristol…

98
00:06:09,482 --> 00:06:13,003
Bristol. That's an absolutely marvellous story,
and that's…

99
00:06:13,407 --> 00:06:16,638
-That story is now available on CD, am I right?
-Yes.

100
00:06:16,638 --> 00:06:21,039
Now, one of the things we hope to be doing
on this series of A Bit of Fry and Laurie

101
00:06:21,039 --> 00:06:23,925
is to be building up
a collection of guest movements.

102
00:06:23,925 --> 00:06:26,362
And to that end,
I've asked Jane, here, and John

103
00:06:26,362 --> 00:06:29,519
if they would come along
with some movements for us.

104
00:06:29,519 --> 00:06:31,882
John, can we have your movement first?

105
00:06:34,287 --> 00:06:37,279
-What a lovely movement.
-A great way to start our collection. Yeah.

106
00:06:37,279 --> 00:06:40,643
Jane, can we have your movement now, please?

107
00:06:44,527 --> 00:06:46,245
Two fabulous movements.

108
00:06:46,245 --> 00:06:47,919
Two fabulous movements.

109
00:06:47,919 --> 00:06:51,397
Now, perhaps, John, you wouldn't mind
taking the Twiglets up that side.

110
00:06:51,397 --> 00:06:54,877
And, Jane, can you dish out
the condoms up that side?

111
00:06:56,127 --> 00:06:58,687
I think these guests
have been really a great success.

112
00:06:58,687 --> 00:07:00,166
-We have been very lucky.
-Very lucky.

113
00:07:00,166 --> 00:07:03,205
Well, we have one final guest for you to meet,

114
00:07:03,205 --> 00:07:06,120
who hopefully is going to be with us
throughout the show,

115
00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:08,357
and his name is Dodger.

116
00:07:10,927 --> 00:07:12,406
Oh, bless him.

117
00:07:13,487 --> 00:07:17,002
Dodger is half-retriever, half-retriever,

118
00:07:17,647 --> 00:07:20,161
and he's going to be,

119
00:07:20,161 --> 00:07:23,876
well, hopefully, growing up with us
as the show goes on.

120
00:07:23,876 --> 00:07:26,720
That's right. Well, I think
that's more than enough introducing

121
00:07:26,720 --> 00:07:29,560
to satisfy even
the most introduction-hungry viewer.

122
00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:33,640
So, meantime, it's on
with the ruthless subversion of family values.

123
00:07:33,847 --> 00:07:36,600
Tonight's theme is “Themes:

124
00:07:38,127 --> 00:07:39,845
“what good are they?”

125
00:07:41,567 --> 00:07:44,479
No, I don't think they're any good at all.

126
00:07:44,727 --> 00:07:46,957
Useless. I sold all mine years ago.

127
00:07:46,957 --> 00:07:49,641
Themes? Well,
themes are what you make of them, you know.

128
00:07:49,641 --> 00:07:52,195
I mean, a good theme, like, say,

129
00:07:52,195 --> 00:07:56,405
“Sex between people of vastly differing
heights: can Britain take it?”

130
00:07:56,405 --> 00:08:00,036
can be a wonderful thing,
in the right hands, of course.

131
00:08:01,367 --> 00:08:02,356
Uh…

132
00:08:03,127 --> 00:08:06,244
Yeah, sex is a good theme. Yeah.

133
00:08:06,767 --> 00:08:08,837
Sex is thematically strong.

134
00:08:09,767 --> 00:08:12,520
Makes me want to throw up,
makes me want to keck,

135
00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:17,317
makes me want to vomit.
“Hearts of gold.” Arse of gold, more like.

136
00:08:17,317 --> 00:08:20,126
I don't pay my licence fee every year.

137
00:08:20,567 --> 00:08:23,081
But if I did…

138
00:08:23,687 --> 00:08:28,238
It was the strangest thing, you know.
I dreamt the other night

139
00:08:28,238 --> 00:08:31,842
that I was in bed with Andrew Neil.

140
00:08:32,487 --> 00:08:35,797
And, you know, I woke up, and I was thinking,

141
00:08:35,797 --> 00:08:37,798
“Why Andrew Neil?” you know.

142
00:08:37,798 --> 00:08:41,642
And then I realised that the cat
had been sick on the duvet.

143
00:08:42,847 --> 00:08:44,075
So…

144
00:08:44,367 --> 00:08:47,564
People are often mistaking me
for Luther Vandross.

145
00:09:00,247 --> 00:09:04,206
Oh, my God.
What's happened, Leonard?

146
00:09:04,206 --> 00:09:07,597
I am bloody furious, Jennifer, I tell you.

147
00:09:07,597 --> 00:09:10,281
Oh, the blood! What's happened?

148
00:09:10,281 --> 00:09:13,996
What's happened?
Well, I've killed your parents.
Basically, that's what's happened.

149
00:09:13,996 --> 00:09:15,759
-What?
-Stabbed them both to death.

150
00:09:15,759 --> 00:09:18,315
-What?
-I could not be more furious.

151
00:09:18,315 --> 00:09:21,444
-Stabbed, but why?
-Exactly. Why?

152
00:09:21,444 --> 00:09:24,439
It was so unnecessary.
That's why I'm so bloody annoyed.

153
00:09:24,439 --> 00:09:25,642
What?

154
00:09:25,642 --> 00:09:29,720
Well, you know, your father was being
a bit ratty, complained that
the tonic water was flat,

155
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:32,401
and all of a sudden, there I was,
stabbing him in the neck with a knife.

156
00:09:32,401 --> 00:09:33,806
I mean, what is going on here?

157
00:09:33,806 --> 00:09:35,843
God, you killed him!

158
00:09:36,407 --> 00:09:39,080
Yeah, all right. Don't go on about it.
How do you think I feel?

159
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:40,964
I don't know, Leonard.

160
00:09:40,964 --> 00:09:42,685
Bloody annoyed, that's how.

161
00:09:42,685 --> 00:09:45,565
-Annoyed?
-Well, somebody should have stopped this.

162
00:09:45,565 --> 00:09:46,875
I had to go out.

163
00:09:46,875 --> 00:09:48,958
No, no, no, I'm not blaming you, darling.

164
00:09:48,958 --> 00:09:52,039
But somebody should have seen
that this was a tragedy waiting to happen

165
00:09:52,039 --> 00:09:54,721
and done something about it. I really am livid.

166
00:09:54,721 --> 00:09:57,037
Oh, God, and Mummy, too!

167
00:09:57,037 --> 00:10:01,325
Yeah, well, she got in the way,
tried to defend him, so…

168
00:10:01,325 --> 00:10:05,116
There she was, lying dead, another victim
of bureaucratic inefficiency.

169
00:10:05,116 --> 00:10:06,560
I mean, it just won't do.

170
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:08,399
Have you called the police?

171
00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:12,241
No, no, I thought I'd write, actually.
I thought that would carry more weight.

172
00:10:12,241 --> 00:10:14,966
I mean, have you told them what you've done?

173
00:10:14,966 --> 00:10:16,878
-What I've done?
-Yes!

174
00:10:18,047 --> 00:10:21,278
What I've done? Oh, that's nice.
That's charming, isn't it?

175
00:10:21,278 --> 00:10:26,236
I stab your parents to death with a bread
knife, and all of a sudden it's my fault.

176
00:10:26,236 --> 00:10:29,319
Leonard, darling, I mean, you did it.
You said so yourself.

177
00:10:29,319 --> 00:10:33,719
No. No, no, no, no, my hand did it, Jennifer,
my hand and the knife did it, yes.

178
00:10:33,719 --> 00:10:36,037
But what is making my hand
do these things, hmm?

179
00:10:36,037 --> 00:10:37,526
That's what you should be asking yourself.

180
00:10:37,526 --> 00:10:38,835
Well, you.

181
00:10:38,835 --> 00:10:42,636
No! No, no, no, no, absolutely not.
It's the system.

182
00:10:42,636 --> 00:10:45,525
I loved your parents, Jennifer. You know that.

183
00:10:45,525 --> 00:10:48,565
You father could be a bit gassy at times,
but they were lovely people.

184
00:10:48,565 --> 00:10:51,684
And now they're dead,
all because the system failed again.

185
00:10:51,684 --> 00:10:55,726
You're right. It's all my fault.
I shouldn't have gone out shopping.

186
00:10:56,327 --> 00:10:59,319
Well, that was my first reaction, I must admit.
Bloody Jennifer.

187
00:10:59,319 --> 00:11:02,524
God, she's left me in a right pickle here.
But it's not you, darling.

188
00:11:02,524 --> 00:11:05,963
You know, there are people paid
to make sure this kind of thing doesn't happen,

189
00:11:05,963 --> 00:11:08,163
and those people simply didn't do their job.

190
00:11:08,163 --> 00:11:09,999
Yes, but if I had been here, I could…

191
00:11:09,999 --> 00:11:12,726
Yeah, but you weren't, my angel. You weren't.

192
00:11:12,726 --> 00:11:15,640
You know, the system failed you,
just like it failed me.

193
00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:18,799
Oh, God. What are we going to do now?

194
00:11:21,287 --> 00:11:24,120
Well, I've got a bloody good mind
to kill you, to be honest.

195
00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:27,085
Yeah, well, that would teach the
social services a lesson, wouldn't it?

196
00:11:27,085 --> 00:11:29,442
I'd like to see them talk their way
out of three dead bodies.

197
00:11:29,442 --> 00:11:32,325
-Well, I'd rather you didn't.
-Well, I'd rather I didn't,

198
00:11:32,325 --> 00:11:35,877
Jennifer, but what about my hand?
What is making my hand do these things, hmm?

199
00:11:35,877 --> 00:11:37,446
-The system.
-The system, exactly.

200
00:11:38,562 --> 00:11:41,559
You know, these people
with their cosy little offices,

201
00:11:41,559 --> 00:11:44,161
and their fat bloody salaries, sitting there

202
00:11:44,161 --> 00:11:46,044
while your parents, Jennifer,

203
00:11:46,044 --> 00:11:49,483
you know, good people, kind people,
are being slaughtered.

204
00:11:49,483 --> 00:11:51,842
I mean, what is this country coming to?

205
00:11:51,842 --> 00:11:53,201
-Mr Hammond?
-Yes.

206
00:11:53,201 --> 00:11:55,164
Derek Broom, social services.

207
00:11:55,164 --> 00:11:58,956
Oh, well, hurrah for the bloody cavalry.
I hope you're satisfied.

208
00:11:58,956 --> 00:12:00,924
-I'm sorry.
-Leonard's killed my parents.

209
00:12:00,924 --> 00:12:02,884
He's stabbed them with a knife.

210
00:12:03,207 --> 00:12:04,959
Oh, damn.

211
00:12:05,567 --> 00:12:08,559
Yes, well, quite funny, but only quite.

212
00:12:09,247 --> 00:12:11,124
Oh, thanks very much.

213
00:12:11,124 --> 00:12:14,995
But what can you do about it?
Well, until recently, nothing.

214
00:12:15,407 --> 00:12:18,365
But, ladies, and,
in a broader sense, gentlemen,

215
00:12:18,365 --> 00:12:22,963
my colleague and I, concerned as ever with
providing a higher and higher comic service

216
00:12:22,963 --> 00:12:27,438
here at A Bit of Fry and Laurie
have decided to institute a charter.

217
00:12:28,207 --> 00:12:32,166
The charter, or “charter,”

218
00:12:32,166 --> 00:12:35,922
that we're proposing
contains a raft of key points,

219
00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:40,159
and a key basket of top proposals
to ensure that you, the viewer…

220
00:12:40,159 --> 00:12:43,398
-The man on the Clapham omnibus, if you like.
-Yes.

221
00:12:43,607 --> 00:12:46,201
Yes, well, the man who would've been
on the Clapham omnibus,

222
00:12:46,201 --> 00:12:48,881
but discovered, after waiting for two hours,
that it's been cancelled

223
00:12:48,881 --> 00:12:50,844
and replaced by a bright yellow Transit van

224
00:12:50,844 --> 00:12:55,159
called a Shopper Hopper flopper…

225
00:12:55,159 --> 00:12:56,760
that only runs at peak times…

226
00:12:56,760 --> 00:12:58,360
Whatever the bleeding hell they are.

227
00:12:58,360 --> 00:13:00,597
…to ensure that you have the right,

228
00:13:00,597 --> 00:13:05,602
the muscle, the arse-widening power,
to make a difference.

229
00:13:06,047 --> 00:13:09,039
Now, there are two main prongs.

230
00:13:09,039 --> 00:13:13,405
By which we mean
two main sticky-out bits at the end.

231
00:13:14,407 --> 00:13:16,477
-There is delivery.
-And there is quality.

232
00:13:16,477 --> 00:13:19,400
Any joke which fails to come up to
the standard that you'd expect

233
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:22,923
from A Bit of Fry and Laurie

234
00:13:22,923 --> 00:13:24,963
can be reported to the charter commission,

235
00:13:24,963 --> 00:13:28,437
where it will be inspected
by a key team of top experts,

236
00:13:28,437 --> 00:13:31,917
who will then pass it
on to a top team of key experts.

237
00:13:32,247 --> 00:13:37,958
And they will award, in a very grown-up way,
charter marks.

238
00:13:38,207 --> 00:13:41,802
And if the joke
and your complaint about it is upheld,

239
00:13:41,802 --> 00:13:44,799
then that joke will be humanely destroyed.

240
00:13:44,799 --> 00:13:48,880
Which brings us
to our other sticky-out bit, delivery.

241
00:13:49,487 --> 00:13:51,921
Prong two: delivery.

242
00:13:51,921 --> 00:13:56,956
In a modern society,
jokes must be delivered on time.

243
00:13:57,167 --> 00:14:02,082
If you experience any delivery
where the timing is too…

244
00:14:02,887 --> 00:14:04,036
Slow?

245
00:14:04,887 --> 00:14:07,162
-Or if the timing should be…
-Quick.

246
00:14:08,207 --> 00:14:10,562
Or if the joke never even…

247
00:14:10,767 --> 00:14:14,476
Then the commission will be only
too happy to look into it.

248
00:14:14,847 --> 00:14:18,157
-The comedy charter, peace of mind.
-Audience power.

249
00:14:18,157 --> 00:14:21,319
Your guarantee of satisfaction and delivery.

250
00:14:21,319 --> 00:14:22,726
Without dripping.

251
00:14:24,687 --> 00:14:27,645
Oh, now, how did that poem go? Um…

252
00:14:29,847 --> 00:14:32,600
“They bring you up, your mum and dad”

253
00:14:36,447 --> 00:14:40,838
“Crate, a normal nighman
Hane a freethy stipe

254
00:14:41,367 --> 00:14:46,122
“You veen where musse is Simon Critch
Botty trees a wipe”

255
00:14:48,087 --> 00:14:52,080
I first wrote the poem,
from which that verse was an extract,

256
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:54,596
when my grandfather was murdered.

257
00:14:55,567 --> 00:14:58,365
I wrote it again in 1978,

258
00:14:58,365 --> 00:15:01,166
after hearing of the death of rock music.

259
00:15:01,767 --> 00:15:06,477
I'd like, with your kind indulgence,
to write it once more.

260
00:15:07,367 --> 00:15:08,686
Thank you.

261
00:15:14,967 --> 00:15:17,686
We see things, we hear things,

262
00:15:18,207 --> 00:15:21,244
we touch things, we taste things.

263
00:15:22,567 --> 00:15:25,479
But never forget that we also smell.

264
00:15:29,687 --> 00:15:31,678
John, my spies tell me…

265
00:15:31,678 --> 00:15:34,839
I should point out here
that when I say spies, of course,

266
00:15:34,839 --> 00:15:38,636
I don't mean spies in the sense
of people with hidden cameras or false bottoms.

267
00:15:38,636 --> 00:15:42,242
I'm talking about spies
in the sense of people who tell me things.

268
00:15:42,242 --> 00:15:45,444
My spies, in that sense,
tell me that in your spare time,

269
00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:48,564
you are Vice Professor of Smell
at De Montfort University.

270
00:15:49,487 --> 00:15:51,842
Reserve your seat of learning now.

271
00:15:54,447 --> 00:15:58,042
John, do you think we've forgotten smell?

272
00:15:58,807 --> 00:16:00,604
Do I think we've forgotten smell?

273
00:16:00,604 --> 00:16:03,565
I think we neglect smell.

274
00:16:03,565 --> 00:16:06,002
I think that smell is the one sense
that got left behind

275
00:16:06,002 --> 00:16:08,920
in the mad rush for profit and cheap housing.

276
00:16:09,767 --> 00:16:13,077
-Can you give me any examples?
-Of what?

277
00:16:13,647 --> 00:16:18,038
Well, um, examples of the things you say…
When I say that, I stress the word “you.”

278
00:16:18,038 --> 00:16:20,846
The things you say that we're missing out on.

279
00:16:20,846 --> 00:16:24,806
Yes, and have a go at this
and tell me what you think.

280
00:16:27,287 --> 00:16:29,118
Oh, God, what is that?

281
00:16:29,527 --> 00:16:32,963
That's revolting. What is it?

282
00:16:32,963 --> 00:16:37,438
Now, that is Michael Portillo getting out
of a Rover 200

283
00:16:39,007 --> 00:16:40,838
after quite a long journey.

284
00:16:41,407 --> 00:16:42,965
How on earth did you get hold of that?

285
00:16:42,965 --> 00:16:44,366
Everybody asks me that.

286
00:16:44,366 --> 00:16:46,358
-Let's try this one.
-Oh, that.

287
00:16:47,087 --> 00:16:49,760
Oh, actually, I know this.

288
00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:52,361
-Well, you ought to.
-Oh, ah, what is it?

289
00:16:52,361 --> 00:16:54,244
Well, you… You have a guess.

290
00:16:54,567 --> 00:16:57,035
-Ah… No, no, tell me.
-Go on, go on. Go on.

291
00:16:57,447 --> 00:17:02,282
Is… Ah! Is it, um… Is it the lavatories
at Earl's Court during the Royal Tournament?

292
00:17:03,607 --> 00:17:06,838
No, but I can see
the way your mind's working. No.

293
00:17:07,927 --> 00:17:09,997
In fact, that's your right knee.

294
00:17:10,527 --> 00:17:11,642
Is it?

295
00:17:14,287 --> 00:17:15,720
Good Lord, so it is.

296
00:17:16,367 --> 00:17:19,837
-There you are, you see?
-And you say, you say

297
00:17:20,527 --> 00:17:22,119
that a lot of people are missing out on this.

298
00:17:22,119 --> 00:17:25,005
I say that. I say that.
And I think that's a shame.

299
00:17:25,005 --> 00:17:27,806
So do I, and so does Dodger.

300
00:17:29,167 --> 00:17:31,965
Dodger's grown up a little now, as you can see.

301
00:17:31,965 --> 00:17:34,242
He's had his jabs
and he's become very much a friend

302
00:17:34,242 --> 00:17:36,636
of all the staff here
at A Bit of Fry and Laurie.

303
00:17:36,636 --> 00:17:37,921
Gordon.

304
00:17:59,007 --> 00:18:02,079
♫ When the poor keep getting hungrier

305
00:18:02,079 --> 00:18:04,886
♫ And the rich keep getting fat

306
00:18:06,407 --> 00:18:10,764
♫ Politicians change
but they're never gonna change that

307
00:18:12,487 --> 00:18:14,398
♫ But you and me girl

308
00:18:14,398 --> 00:18:17,240
♫ We got the answer right in our hands

309
00:18:18,647 --> 00:18:21,161
♫ All we got to do is

310
00:18:30,087 --> 00:18:32,920
♫ When the winds of war are blowing

311
00:18:33,287 --> 00:18:35,721
♫ And the tide is coming in

312
00:18:37,047 --> 00:18:39,242
♫ Don't you be hoping for the good times

313
00:18:39,242 --> 00:18:42,046
♫ Because the good times have already been

314
00:18:43,007 --> 00:18:45,760
♫ But girl we got the answer

315
00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:48,407
♫ So easy you won't believe

316
00:18:49,887 --> 00:18:52,560
♫ All we got to do is

317
00:18:56,407 --> 00:18:59,683
♫ It's so easy to see

318
00:19:02,527 --> 00:19:06,122
♫ If only they'd listen to you and me

319
00:19:07,367 --> 00:19:09,244
♫ We got to

320
00:19:10,521 --> 00:19:12,962
♫ Since we can

321
00:19:13,687 --> 00:19:15,803
♫ We got to

322
00:19:16,916 --> 00:19:18,884
♫ Woman every man

323
00:19:19,967 --> 00:19:21,798
♫ We got to

324
00:19:23,122 --> 00:19:25,357
♫ Time after time

325
00:19:26,287 --> 00:19:27,879
♫ We got to

326
00:19:29,007 --> 00:19:31,202
♫ Caroline ♫

327
00:20:00,567 --> 00:20:03,035
Can't find that channel changer?
Where did I put it last?

328
00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:06,358
Is this always happening to you? Sometimes,
actually, you have to get up to find it?

329
00:20:06,358 --> 00:20:08,802
All those channels available
in authentic cinema sound,

330
00:20:08,802 --> 00:20:12,402
plus laser discs, CDI, Game Gear, video,
satellite, home shopping,

331
00:20:12,402 --> 00:20:14,603
but no use without a channel changer.

332
00:20:14,603 --> 00:20:16,439
But who wants to get up and find it?

333
00:20:16,439 --> 00:20:19,041
Now there's the amazing Wristchanger.

334
00:20:19,967 --> 00:20:22,435
Available in a choice
of one arresting colours and fabrics,

335
00:20:22,435 --> 00:20:26,361
the Wristchanger simply locks onto your wrist,
and need never be lost again.

336
00:20:26,361 --> 00:20:29,837
No more digging behind sofas,
no more unnecessary and unpleasant standing up.

337
00:20:29,837 --> 00:20:34,159
Change channels with maximum comfort
to all muscle groups. But that isn't all.

338
00:20:34,159 --> 00:20:36,203
As an introductory offer to the Wristchanger,

339
00:20:36,203 --> 00:20:39,404
we're offering two more items
designed to enhance viewer comfort.

340
00:20:39,404 --> 00:20:40,761
You know that feeling.

341
00:20:40,761 --> 00:20:43,202
You're settled into your favourite American
wrestling programme,

342
00:20:43,202 --> 00:20:45,676
and suddenly, “Ow!”
Nature calls.

343
00:20:45,676 --> 00:20:48,486
Well, now you can say goodbye
to old milk bottles,

344
00:20:48,486 --> 00:20:51,001
or the more distressing effort associated
with standing up.

345
00:20:51,001 --> 00:20:52,918
Introducing Comfipee.

346
00:20:53,607 --> 00:20:56,758
Plumbed into your home,
Comfipee allows you to expel those wastes

347
00:20:56,758 --> 00:20:59,077
that build up in the bladder
after a hard afternoon's drinking

348
00:20:59,077 --> 00:21:01,362
of your favourite diet cola or isotonic drink,

349
00:21:01,362 --> 00:21:05,406
because, sure, fitness is important,
without having to leave the action.

350
00:21:05,406 --> 00:21:06,715
But it doesn't stop there

351
00:21:06,715 --> 00:21:10,766
because Comfipee comes
with a completely free companion, Comfipoo.

352
00:21:11,927 --> 00:21:14,566
You know what those pizzas turn into
inside your tummy.

353
00:21:14,566 --> 00:21:17,525
Before, you used to have to get up
to do something about it. No longer.

354
00:21:17,525 --> 00:21:19,518
Comfipoo to the rescue.

355
00:21:20,887 --> 00:21:23,720
Comfipoo's built-in wiper,
moist wipe and tank module

356
00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:25,684
gives you total freshness.

357
00:21:25,927 --> 00:21:29,636
From cradle to grave,
a world of entertainment, just for you.

358
00:21:50,127 --> 00:21:54,325
It's over. It's all over, just end it.

359
00:21:55,047 --> 00:21:58,676
The whole bloody thing's
gone and finished with.

360
00:21:58,676 --> 00:22:01,526
Let's face it,
the world will be a better place without me.

361
00:22:01,526 --> 00:22:03,996
Oh, I wish I'd never been born.

362
00:22:04,327 --> 00:22:05,999
Oh, Jesus.

363
00:22:10,327 --> 00:22:12,318
Don't do it, son.

364
00:22:16,327 --> 00:22:17,601
Oh, my.

365
00:22:22,407 --> 00:22:25,399
Who, what, which, where, how many?
Did I ever? What?

366
00:22:25,399 --> 00:22:27,796
There, there, take it easy.

367
00:22:28,047 --> 00:22:30,607
I should be dead. How the hell did I…

368
00:22:31,167 --> 00:22:36,161
-Who are you?
-Me? Oh, Clarence Cosy, angel, second class.

369
00:22:36,161 --> 00:22:38,761
-You are Rupert.
-How did you know that?

370
00:22:42,527 --> 00:22:45,997
Well, I've granted your wish.

371
00:22:45,997 --> 00:22:47,964
You've never been born.

372
00:22:48,327 --> 00:22:50,158
Jigs, that's all I need.

373
00:22:52,247 --> 00:22:55,125
-Well, shag me twice.
-What's that?

374
00:22:55,125 --> 00:22:57,004
Water must have healed my cut.

375
00:22:57,004 --> 00:23:01,478
What cut? There was never any cut,
because you were never born.

376
00:23:01,478 --> 00:23:04,525
Look, angel,
just fly away for Christ's sake, will you?

377
00:23:04,525 --> 00:23:07,804
Oh, I can't do that.
I haven't got my wings yet.

378
00:23:09,487 --> 00:23:11,443
I'm getting out of here.

379
00:23:15,367 --> 00:23:20,077
Oh, jigs. That's all I need.
Some cock-wit's stolen my sodding car.

380
00:23:20,077 --> 00:23:22,806
You don't have a car, Rupert.
You haven't been born.

381
00:23:22,806 --> 00:23:26,675
Look, I don't know who you are, or under what
law you've been released into the community,

382
00:23:26,675 --> 00:23:28,325
but just frig off, will you?

383
00:23:28,325 --> 00:23:30,682
Angels don't frig, Rupert.
We don't have the training.

384
00:23:30,682 --> 00:23:33,998
Listen, Tiny Tim, get this.
I own the largest conglomerate

385
00:23:33,998 --> 00:23:36,726
of newspaper and satellite television companies
in the world.

386
00:23:36,726 --> 00:23:41,119
I've got slightly better things
to be doing than standing here
talking to a chocolate cake like you.

387
00:23:41,119 --> 00:23:43,801
Don't you understand, Rupert?
I'm your guardian angel.

388
00:23:43,801 --> 00:23:47,197
I'm gonna show you what this town would've
been like if you'd never been born.

389
00:23:47,197 --> 00:23:49,847
That way you'll realise
your life is worth living after all,

390
00:23:49,847 --> 00:23:54,045
the countless differences you've made
to people's lives, the joy you've spread.

391
00:23:54,045 --> 00:23:56,766
I'm going home. Where's a bloody minicab?

392
00:23:58,647 --> 00:24:01,559
-Where to, Governor?
-Wapping. Wait a second.

393
00:24:01,559 --> 00:24:03,763
See the difference you've made?

394
00:24:15,607 --> 00:24:18,405
Wait a second.
Where the arse are all the satellite dishes?

395
00:24:18,405 --> 00:24:21,479
-There aren't any satellite dishes.
-What do you mean?

396
00:24:21,767 --> 00:24:24,565
I keep telling you, you haven't been born yet.

397
00:24:24,565 --> 00:24:26,365
Mind how you go, gents.

398
00:24:27,007 --> 00:24:28,156
Thank you.

399
00:24:28,156 --> 00:24:30,317
People don't have satellite TV.

400
00:24:30,317 --> 00:24:33,558
They don't have the chance to watch
World Wrestling and Wheel of Fortune

401
00:24:33,558 --> 00:24:36,081
and Video Bloopers 24 hours a day.

402
00:24:36,287 --> 00:24:39,279
They're still forced to watch
the old BBC and ITV,

403
00:24:39,279 --> 00:24:42,484
with all that drama and sports
and news programmes.

404
00:24:42,484 --> 00:24:44,603
-You did away with all that.
-I did?

405
00:24:44,603 --> 00:24:46,643
Mmm-hmm, swept it all away.

406
00:24:46,643 --> 00:24:48,638
You pretended it was to give
people more choice,

407
00:24:48,638 --> 00:24:52,083
but actually it was just
to make you fabulously rich.

408
00:24:52,447 --> 00:24:54,085
Come on, let's go inside.

409
00:25:02,047 --> 00:25:04,277
Whoa, wait a minute.
Not my kind of place.

410
00:25:04,277 --> 00:25:06,005
Well, why not?

411
00:25:06,005 --> 00:25:08,396
Well, you know, a lot of minorities.

412
00:25:08,396 --> 00:25:10,717
Don't you like minorities?

413
00:25:10,717 --> 00:25:14,880
Well, I don't mind them but, you know,
they're not gonna like me very much.

414
00:25:14,880 --> 00:25:17,765
No, no, no, I keep telling you,
because you haven't been born,

415
00:25:17,765 --> 00:25:21,123
the newspapers you would have owned
haven't been able to teach everybody

416
00:25:21,123 --> 00:25:25,405
to sneer at their neighbours because
they're foreign or different or left-wing.

417
00:25:25,405 --> 00:25:28,638
People have ended up liking each other,
and liking this country.

418
00:25:28,638 --> 00:25:30,877
Heck, they might even like you.

419
00:25:30,877 --> 00:25:34,124
Now, two very nice drinks, please.

420
00:25:34,124 --> 00:25:37,438
Jesus, mothering arse.
Where the hell are all the tits?

421
00:25:37,438 --> 00:25:39,916
They're right in front of women's chests.

422
00:25:39,916 --> 00:25:42,885
I guess the editor didn't think
that was much of a news story.

423
00:25:42,885 --> 00:25:46,562
-Gotta have tits to sell a paper.
-Well, apparently not.

424
00:25:46,562 --> 00:25:49,958
Without your newspapers debasing
people's view of the world

425
00:25:49,958 --> 00:25:51,878
with every sentence they produce,

426
00:25:51,878 --> 00:25:54,435
people have turned out to be interested
in all kinds of other things.

427
00:25:54,435 --> 00:25:56,006
Strange, isn't it?

428
00:25:57,807 --> 00:26:00,037
-Here, I'll get these.
-Thank you.

429
00:26:00,967 --> 00:26:03,322
Well, suck my arse. Who the hell is that?

430
00:26:03,567 --> 00:26:06,400
That's the Queen. They still have one, you see.

431
00:26:06,647 --> 00:26:09,923
♫ Silent night

432
00:26:10,207 --> 00:26:13,279
♫ Holy night ♫

433
00:26:13,279 --> 00:26:15,597
Get me the cock out of here.

434
00:26:19,527 --> 00:26:23,884
-Well?
-It's brilliant. Totally bloody brilliant.

435
00:26:23,884 --> 00:26:28,518
Big red buses, free hospitals,
an amusing royal family,

436
00:26:29,007 --> 00:26:32,158
proper taxis, decent newspapers,
best television in the world,

437
00:26:32,158 --> 00:26:34,203
people actually getting on with each other.

438
00:26:34,203 --> 00:26:37,359
-You like it? You really like it?
-It's fantastic, it's paradise.

439
00:26:37,359 --> 00:26:39,597
Oh, help me, Clarence. I wanna live again.

440
00:26:39,597 --> 00:26:42,121
Well, this is marvellous news, Rupert.

441
00:26:42,121 --> 00:26:45,245
Just think of the money I could make
in a world like this.

442
00:26:45,245 --> 00:26:48,717
I could introduce big tits,
break up the broadcasting monopolies,

443
00:26:48,717 --> 00:26:51,719
destroy The Times, the BBC, the royal family.

444
00:26:51,967 --> 00:26:54,640
I could make an absolute bloody fortune.

445
00:27:03,847 --> 00:27:05,166
Twat.

446
00:27:07,676 --> 00:27:10,804
Well, once more,
old Father Time has raised his sickle,

447
00:27:10,804 --> 00:27:13,526
and mown us ruthlessly down without stopping.

448
00:27:13,526 --> 00:27:17,805
We've come now to the end of this edition
of A Bit of Fry and Laurie.

449
00:27:17,805 --> 00:27:21,721
My colleague, thoughts, views, visions,
a summary, if you please.

450
00:27:21,721 --> 00:27:24,879
-Well, Stephen, it's been a…
-Oh, no, no, no. Not out loud.

451
00:27:25,927 --> 00:27:28,122
-Right. I'm so very…
-I know.

452
00:27:28,407 --> 00:27:30,159
I know, I know.

453
00:27:30,367 --> 00:27:34,599
My guests, have you… Have you chosen
tonight's cocktail? What's it to be?

454
00:27:34,599 --> 00:27:39,203
-Oh, a golden meteorite, I think, Stephen.
-Yes, please. A golden meteorite.

455
00:27:39,203 --> 00:27:41,278
A golden meteorite.

456
00:27:41,278 --> 00:27:44,598
Well, now, for a golden meteorite you will need

457
00:27:44,598 --> 00:27:48,402
one shot gin, one shot vodka,

458
00:27:49,367 --> 00:27:52,359
one shot of this highball tumbler, close up,

459
00:27:54,327 --> 00:27:58,081
one shot of straight Kentucky sour mash
sipping whisky,

460
00:27:59,287 --> 00:28:00,766
a zeal of ice,

461
00:28:01,887 --> 00:28:05,197
a priest of lemon, a slug of milk,

462
00:28:07,087 --> 00:28:09,237
two-and-a-half litres of air,

463
00:28:11,967 --> 00:28:14,117
and a finger of slug shot.

464
00:28:15,607 --> 00:28:20,556
We will also need some warm, warm,
warm, warm, warm, warmest music,

465
00:28:20,887 --> 00:28:23,799
which is achieved by my saying these words,

466
00:28:23,799 --> 00:28:26,640
please, Mr Music, will you play?

467
00:29:19,247 --> 00:29:20,726
Soupy twist.