1
00:00:01,287 --> 00:00:02,845
Extraordinary!

2
00:00:03,087 --> 00:00:04,440
Absolutely extraordinary.

3
00:00:04,440 --> 00:00:08,440
I would say that our house
would've been round about here.

4
00:00:09,167 --> 00:00:11,397
And therefore, the front door
would've been over there,

5
00:00:11,397 --> 00:00:13,284
just where that branch of Safeway's is.

6
00:00:13,284 --> 00:00:15,722
And of course,
all this would've been our garden.

7
00:00:15,722 --> 00:00:17,923
And, uh, yes, I can remember

8
00:00:18,487 --> 00:00:20,443
the day that my dog, Hamper, died,

9
00:00:20,443 --> 00:00:23,997
a Border collie with the loveliest laugh.
It really was the saddest day of my life.

10
00:00:23,997 --> 00:00:27,841
I remember my father insisting that he
actually was dead. I could hardly believe it.

11
00:00:27,841 --> 00:00:29,320
Harsh lesson.

12
00:00:29,967 --> 00:00:31,241
Learnt young.

13
00:00:31,807 --> 00:00:34,480
Anyway, part of the process of grieving,
of course, is burial,

14
00:00:34,480 --> 00:00:38,879
so I would have buried Hamper, I suppose,
round about here, in fact. Yes.

15
00:00:39,687 --> 00:00:43,157
Hello! So much for 1990s build quality, eh?

16
00:00:43,927 --> 00:00:45,201
Good Lord!

17
00:00:47,687 --> 00:00:49,040
It's you!

18
00:00:54,887 --> 00:00:57,879
Between desire and reality.

19
00:00:58,767 --> 00:01:00,086
A bit.

20
00:01:00,086 --> 00:01:02,886
Between fact and breakfast,

21
00:01:03,607 --> 00:01:08,203
madness lies, lies, lies…

22
00:01:08,527 --> 00:01:09,801
A bit.

23
00:01:09,801 --> 00:01:13,197
I hate you, I hate you and yet…

24
00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:15,440
I hate you…

25
00:01:16,676 --> 00:01:20,476
As love, rage and aches of the ear.

26
00:01:25,607 --> 00:01:28,804
Pretension by Fry and Laurie.

27
00:01:40,567 --> 00:01:42,523
Hello. Good evening.

28
00:01:42,767 --> 00:01:46,521
Welcome to another evening
of light comedy, heavy sarcasm,

29
00:01:46,521 --> 00:01:49,400
medium-weight conversation,
and good, rocking sex.

30
00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:50,476
Mmm.

31
00:01:50,476 --> 00:01:54,355
For the next half-an-hour or so,
you're going to be in our hands,

32
00:01:54,355 --> 00:01:57,598
but we'd like to think of you
as being in our arms, too.

33
00:01:57,598 --> 00:02:02,357
That's right. Snuggled up in your cosy homes,
curtains drawn against the night.

34
00:02:02,357 --> 00:02:05,678
Cup of low-calorie, chocolate-style fluid
by your side.

35
00:02:05,678 --> 00:02:08,919
Your fingers toying with the hair
of your best-beloved in your lap.

36
00:02:08,919 --> 00:02:10,565
Or perhaps you're…

37
00:02:12,647 --> 00:02:14,763
just in some hotel,

38
00:02:15,047 --> 00:02:18,357
with nothing but a paper bag and a prostitute
for company.

39
00:02:19,207 --> 00:02:23,325
Or perhaps you're, as I often like to,
you're just standing naked

40
00:02:23,325 --> 00:02:28,561
in front of the mirror,
with nothing but a radish and a whole
world of possibilities open to you.

41
00:02:29,687 --> 00:02:30,722
Hmm.

42
00:02:31,367 --> 00:02:36,805
But whatever your height, age,
weight, sex, racial preference,
knee colouring, or cock length,

43
00:02:36,805 --> 00:02:39,037
some of you may be wondering

44
00:02:39,037 --> 00:02:42,437
how my colleague came by this bandage
upon his head.

45
00:02:42,437 --> 00:02:44,961
It's very simple. A nurse put it on.

46
00:02:45,527 --> 00:02:48,041
What my colleague is trying to say,
if he had but the words,

47
00:02:48,041 --> 00:02:52,200
is that this afternoon he sustained
an accident to his head.

48
00:02:52,647 --> 00:02:56,959
Vince, run that tape, if you'd be so
careful to do exactly as you're told.

49
00:02:57,607 --> 00:03:02,362
I hereby declare this second episode of
A Bit of Fry and Laurie open.

50
00:03:10,367 --> 00:03:11,641
My God. Sorry.

51
00:03:12,327 --> 00:03:13,919
Um…

52
00:03:15,847 --> 00:03:18,315
Hugh. Hugh, me old Chinese meal,

53
00:03:18,607 --> 00:03:20,279
I must ask you this.

54
00:03:20,807 --> 00:03:23,844
Have you sustained any loss of memory
as a result of that accident?

55
00:03:23,844 --> 00:03:27,078
And I think it only fair to warn you
that if you say, “What accident?”

56
00:03:27,078 --> 00:03:29,317
I shall squirt lemon juice into you.

57
00:03:29,317 --> 00:03:32,797
-None whatever, which is a blessing.
-Oh, that is good news.

58
00:03:33,087 --> 00:03:35,078
I have lost my memory, though.

59
00:03:35,567 --> 00:03:37,239
D'oh!

60
00:03:39,167 --> 00:03:41,601
Can't seem to find a flush, or a handle.

61
00:03:42,927 --> 00:03:43,916
Anybody know?

62
00:03:54,047 --> 00:03:55,526
Now, there.

63
00:03:56,607 --> 00:03:59,167
That is putting coppers back on the beat.

64
00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:04,878
I think this idea of lowering the age
of home secretaries is ridiculous.

65
00:04:08,247 --> 00:04:10,203
You know that cling film,

66
00:04:10,527 --> 00:04:13,360
that polythene stuff you put over food?

67
00:04:15,287 --> 00:04:16,959
I love that stuff.

68
00:04:18,127 --> 00:04:19,719
I do. I love it.

69
00:04:23,887 --> 00:04:25,605
I'm thinking about it now.

70
00:04:26,687 --> 00:04:29,997
I had that transport minister
in the back of the cab the other day,

71
00:04:29,997 --> 00:04:32,555
and it took us an hour and a half
just to get down the Embankment.

72
00:04:32,555 --> 00:04:36,162
And he tapped the window, this one behind me,
that window there, that very one.

73
00:04:36,162 --> 00:04:40,684
He tapped it. He said, “Oh, cabbie”, he said,
“Why is it taking so long?”

74
00:04:41,527 --> 00:04:45,042
I said, “It's taking so long, you dozy turd,

75
00:04:45,527 --> 00:04:50,043
“it's taking so long because you have let
the public transport service

76
00:04:50,043 --> 00:04:53,563
“of this country run into the ground.
They've become a standing joke.”

77
00:04:53,563 --> 00:04:55,558
“It's taking so long,” I said,

78
00:04:55,558 --> 00:05:00,641
“because you are a cast-iron,
hundred-carat, natural-fibred git!

79
00:05:00,641 --> 00:05:05,039
“Now, get out and walk, before I come round
the back and give you a good hiding.”

80
00:05:05,447 --> 00:05:09,486
Well, I didn't actually say that,
but I should have done. I should have done.

81
00:05:09,847 --> 00:05:14,159
I wrote to my MP a couple of weeks ago.
I said, “Dear dickhead, you're a wanker.”

82
00:05:15,767 --> 00:05:17,644
I haven't heard back yet.

83
00:05:19,727 --> 00:05:22,719
Now then, I've got a doll here.

84
00:05:22,719 --> 00:05:25,566
Can you show me what it was that he used to do?

85
00:05:25,566 --> 00:05:27,484
He didn't use a doll.

86
00:05:28,407 --> 00:05:30,398
No, no, no, I mean,

87
00:05:31,127 --> 00:05:34,119
I mean, pretend that the doll is you,
and then show me what it was…

88
00:05:34,119 --> 00:05:39,361
Right, well, he would take my hand, like that,
and he'd move it up and down a few times.

89
00:05:42,367 --> 00:05:46,280
Did he threaten you at all, did he make you
promise to keep this little secret of yours?

90
00:05:46,280 --> 00:05:47,595
No.

91
00:05:47,847 --> 00:05:51,283
-You don't remember?
-No, I do remember. He didn't threaten me.

92
00:05:52,007 --> 00:05:55,602
Huh. Well, let's just say that
you don't remember not remembering.

93
00:05:55,602 --> 00:06:00,078
No, I do remember remembering, because
I remember thinking, “I must remember this.”

94
00:06:01,527 --> 00:06:03,563
-You're in denial.
-I'm sorry?

95
00:06:03,767 --> 00:06:07,601
“Denial” is what we call
the state you're currently in.

96
00:06:08,127 --> 00:06:10,766
But denial, as everyone knows, is in Egypt.

97
00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:18,080
Well, it's time now, ladies and gentlemen,
to introduce some guests onto the show.

98
00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:21,318
And first up is
the thoughtless man's thinking man,

99
00:06:21,318 --> 00:06:23,875
the serene love kitten of the caring set,

100
00:06:23,875 --> 00:06:27,277
the DayGlo volunteer
of international masturbation.

101
00:06:27,567 --> 00:06:30,035
He's the boy they said would never grow up,

102
00:06:30,035 --> 00:06:32,687
the best damn lettuce in the whole salad bowl.

103
00:06:32,687 --> 00:06:36,965
Let's meet, let's greet,
let's something rhyming with “eat”,

104
00:06:36,965 --> 00:06:40,563
actor, book farmer and excremental narcissist,

105
00:06:40,563 --> 00:06:42,205
Kevin McNally.

106
00:06:52,000 --> 00:06:53,156
Kevin.

107
00:06:53,156 --> 00:06:56,444
-Hello.
-Well put, well put.

108
00:06:56,647 --> 00:07:00,037
Kevin, they tell me
that you're something of an impressionist.

109
00:07:00,037 --> 00:07:03,881
Are they right to tell me that,
or should I have them taken out and shot?

110
00:07:03,881 --> 00:07:06,242
Uh, well, you know, Modesty Blaise.

111
00:07:06,242 --> 00:07:09,046
-Well, the floor is yours, Kevin.
-Well, thank you, Stephen.

112
00:07:11,167 --> 00:07:13,761
-“Denial is in Egypt.”
-Yes, all right.

113
00:07:16,207 --> 00:07:19,836
♫ She packed my bags last night pre-flight

114
00:07:23,367 --> 00:07:25,961
♫ Zero hour 9am ♫

115
00:07:25,961 --> 00:07:28,607
-Whoa, whoa, whoa! Kevin, Kevin, Kevin, Kevin.
-What?

116
00:07:28,607 --> 00:07:30,040
-Impressionist?
-Impressionist?

117
00:07:30,040 --> 00:07:33,199
-He's nothing like Manet, or Renoir, or…
-Monet?

118
00:07:33,199 --> 00:07:35,437
-It's pathetic.
-You're way off, mate.

119
00:07:35,437 --> 00:07:38,200
Oh, no. That was… Sounded more like Elton John
than anything else.

120
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:39,316
Dear, oh dear, oh dear.

121
00:07:39,316 --> 00:07:41,363
You're in disgrace. Come and sit down.

122
00:07:41,363 --> 00:07:43,756
Hugh, who have you got lying under your tree?

123
00:07:43,756 --> 00:07:46,645
Well, you know, Stephen,
there are many people who can act,

124
00:07:46,645 --> 00:07:51,005
many who can sing, many who can dance,
many who can make you laugh,

125
00:07:51,005 --> 00:07:54,523
many who can play the kitchen, knit,
drive to Formula 3 standard,

126
00:07:54,523 --> 00:07:58,600
achieve a grandmaster norm at chess,
fart, and spell the word moccasins.

127
00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:02,157
But my following guest
is one of that rare breed

128
00:08:02,157 --> 00:08:07,002
who can do none of these things, and less.
She is quite simply quite simple.

129
00:08:07,327 --> 00:08:10,205
Her hair is her own,
and her shoe size never a disappointment.

130
00:08:10,205 --> 00:08:12,642
-Will you please welcome Fiona Gillies.
-Oh, it isn't.

131
00:08:12,642 --> 00:08:14,080
-It is.
-Oh, I never…

132
00:08:18,247 --> 00:08:19,282
Fiona, welcome. Welcome.

133
00:08:19,282 --> 00:08:22,404
-Okay. Did you not know I'm here?
-I can't believe this. I can't believe it.

134
00:08:25,441 --> 00:08:27,722
-No don't… Don't sit there! Don't sit there.
-Sorry, sorry.

135
00:08:27,722 --> 00:08:29,559
It's a sort of a Bermuda Triangle, just there.

136
00:08:29,559 --> 00:08:32,684
We had a couple of guests sit there last week,
and they just completely vanished.

137
00:08:32,684 --> 00:08:33,836
-No.
-Yeah.

138
00:08:33,836 --> 00:08:36,043
-What? What? What?
-Tell her about the frigates.

139
00:08:36,043 --> 00:08:39,642
The frigates. Yeah, that's right. We had
two Royal Navy frigates, and a rotring pen

140
00:08:39,642 --> 00:08:41,843
also vanish from that precise spot. Yeah.

141
00:08:41,843 --> 00:08:43,804
Though we did find one
of the frigates later, though.

142
00:08:43,804 --> 00:08:45,718
We did, yes.
It had slipped down the back of the sofa.

143
00:08:45,718 --> 00:08:49,436
So now, Fiona, we asked you to tell us
about your favourite TV blooper,

144
00:08:49,436 --> 00:08:51,563
or TV cock-up. Uh, which is it to be?

145
00:08:51,563 --> 00:08:54,719
Well, it's one I actually saw, actually.

146
00:08:54,719 --> 00:08:56,126
-Ooh, ooh.
-What, what?

147
00:08:56,126 --> 00:08:57,322
Two actuallies.

148
00:08:57,322 --> 00:09:00,524
Oh, Fiona, my colleague informs me
that you just used two actuallies.

149
00:09:00,524 --> 00:09:04,885
Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, it's a clip I actually saw, in fact.

150
00:09:04,885 --> 00:09:07,197
I was shooting Anna Karenina in York…

151
00:09:07,197 --> 00:09:10,359
Can I stop you there? Can I stop you there?

152
00:09:10,359 --> 00:09:13,245
When you say, “Shooting Anna Karenina,”

153
00:09:15,807 --> 00:09:18,367
you don't actually mean filming, do you?

154
00:09:19,327 --> 00:09:21,557
I mean blowing her brains out
with a 12-bore shotgun.

155
00:09:21,557 --> 00:09:25,526
Right, yeah. I wouldn't want to give
the viewers the wrong impression there.

156
00:09:25,526 --> 00:09:29,156
You know what it's like when you're
away from home in a strange hotel.

157
00:09:29,156 --> 00:09:34,002
You stand there naked
in front of the mirror with a radish
and a whole world of possibilities.

158
00:09:34,002 --> 00:09:35,759
You watch the TV.

159
00:09:36,327 --> 00:09:37,726
Yeah. Yes, yes, that's right.

160
00:09:37,726 --> 00:09:40,196
-That's what I said, wasn't it?
-Well,

161
00:09:40,196 --> 00:09:42,926
there I was, watching the TV,

162
00:09:42,926 --> 00:09:46,841
and this newsreader
had the most blissful coughing fit.

163
00:09:46,841 --> 00:09:48,679
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Fiona, I must stop you there,

164
00:09:48,679 --> 00:09:51,156
because we've actually tracked
this clip down, this blooper,

165
00:09:51,156 --> 00:09:56,002
and I believe that Mr Director
up in the gallery has got it
laced up and ready to roll?

166
00:09:56,002 --> 00:09:59,124
-Um, yes, I can confirm he has. He has.
-Oh, it's on? He's got it.

167
00:10:00,527 --> 00:10:03,564
The Local News at Ten Thirty Three
and a Bit.

168
00:10:04,047 --> 00:10:05,275
Good evening.

169
00:10:05,275 --> 00:10:06,800
The main story tonight…

170
00:10:11,687 --> 00:10:12,915
I'm so…

171
00:10:18,527 --> 00:10:19,960
I'm sorry…

172
00:10:21,727 --> 00:10:23,718
Yes, uh, the main story tonight,

173
00:10:23,718 --> 00:10:26,799
Ronald Satterthwaite of Skipton
announced that the oyster season…

174
00:10:43,007 --> 00:10:44,326
I don't…

175
00:10:45,047 --> 00:10:47,720
And you, Fiona,
you actually saw that, actually.

176
00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:49,001
Did indeed, Stephen, yes.

177
00:10:49,001 --> 00:10:51,521
Yes, I understand
that there was a happy ending to the story.

178
00:10:51,521 --> 00:10:54,883
The newsreader was rushed to hospital
but was found to be dead on arrival.

179
00:10:54,883 --> 00:10:57,845
Which is nice. Which is nice.

180
00:10:58,127 --> 00:11:02,166
Now, Kevin, could I ask you to
hand round the Hula Hoops.
There should be enough for one each.

181
00:11:02,166 --> 00:11:05,398
And, uh, Fiona, would you be a love,

182
00:11:06,087 --> 00:11:08,282
and scrub the back steps there?

183
00:11:08,282 --> 00:11:12,565
There's a sort of
yellowy-brown stain that my colleague
and I just haven't been able to shift.

184
00:11:12,565 --> 00:11:14,285
All right? Thanks.

185
00:11:14,285 --> 00:11:19,122
And, funnily enough, “yellowy-brown stains”
links in rather neatly with our next item.

186
00:11:20,047 --> 00:11:22,356
I walked into a shop the other day.

187
00:11:23,167 --> 00:11:24,805
14 stitches.

188
00:11:27,847 --> 00:11:30,441
You know, I mean,
they're always going about, “Don't do it”

189
00:11:30,441 --> 00:11:31,880
and, “Say no” and all that.

190
00:11:31,880 --> 00:11:33,719
You know, and that…
It's just full of shit, innit?

191
00:11:33,719 --> 00:11:38,517
Because, you know, I mean,
I don't do, you know, smack or crack,
or anything rhyming with “ack,”

192
00:11:38,517 --> 00:11:40,723
or, you know, any of the heavy shit.
You know, I do all the rest.

193
00:11:40,723 --> 00:11:43,560
And, you know, I think
they should legalise it, really,

194
00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:45,603
because, you know,
it don't do me any farm-weather pants,

195
00:11:45,603 --> 00:11:49,316
or, you know, smiling cream…
or onion dealers, do it?

196
00:11:50,887 --> 00:11:54,197
Yes, well, I'm a Capricorn

197
00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:57,684
and my boyfriend's an alcoholic.

198
00:12:02,647 --> 00:12:07,038
Hello, and welcome to English People
Appear to be the Most Ignorant in Europe.

199
00:12:07,038 --> 00:12:10,722
This morning, I shall be asking questions
of our three likely contestants,

200
00:12:10,722 --> 00:12:13,446
Dieter Schaummer,
who is a dental technician from Hamburg…

201
00:12:13,446 --> 00:12:14,596
Hello.

202
00:12:14,596 --> 00:12:18,123
…Andrea Larsen,
who is a dental technician from Oslo…

203
00:12:18,123 --> 00:12:19,242
Hi.

204
00:12:19,242 --> 00:12:24,447
…and finally, Colin Mint, who is a dental
technician from Tunbridge Wells in Kent.

205
00:12:26,085 --> 00:12:29,000
Right, well, let's go straight into
the first round. Dieter, your question.

206
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:33,683
Who am I? I am a female journalist who came
to fame in the 1960s presenting Blue Peter.

207
00:12:33,683 --> 00:12:36,600
-Valerie Singleton.
-Correct, Dieter. Andrea, your question.

208
00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:40,236
Who am I? I am an Underground station
on London's Northern Line,

209
00:12:40,236 --> 00:12:42,841
situated between Warren Street
and Tottenham Court Road.

210
00:12:42,841 --> 00:12:44,519
-Goodge Street.
-Correct, Andrea.

211
00:12:44,519 --> 00:12:46,245
Colin, your question. Are you ready?

212
00:12:46,245 --> 00:12:47,316
Mmm.

213
00:12:57,527 --> 00:12:59,404
Go on, Colin. Have a guess.

214
00:12:59,887 --> 00:13:01,240
Um, Simon Mayo?

215
00:13:03,487 --> 00:13:07,799
The answer I have on my card,
Colin, I'm afraid, is
General Agreement on Tariff and Trade.

216
00:13:07,799 --> 00:13:09,798
Never mind. Second round.

217
00:13:10,327 --> 00:13:12,045
Have a look at this.

218
00:13:24,687 --> 00:13:27,565
♫ She's got eyes like diamonds

219
00:13:27,847 --> 00:13:29,963
♫ Hair like twisted gold

220
00:13:30,807 --> 00:13:33,002
♫ When she looks up to me

221
00:13:33,767 --> 00:13:35,997
♫ I feel my blood run cold

222
00:13:36,807 --> 00:13:39,719
♫ No, I don't care if people laugh

223
00:13:40,647 --> 00:13:42,239
♫ Ha ha

224
00:13:42,927 --> 00:13:46,681
♫ I'm in love with Steffi Graf

225
00:13:48,887 --> 00:13:51,560
♫ I watched her all last summer

226
00:13:51,967 --> 00:13:53,923
♫ I watched her every day

227
00:13:55,087 --> 00:13:57,681
♫ She knew that I was with her

228
00:13:58,007 --> 00:14:00,316
♫ She didn't have to say

229
00:14:01,207 --> 00:14:04,358
♫ She can run but she can't hide

230
00:14:06,967 --> 00:14:11,165
♫ She knows I feel deep down inside

231
00:14:12,247 --> 00:14:15,080
♫ That Steffi is an angel

232
00:14:15,080 --> 00:14:20,162
♫ But she folds her wings
and walks like you and me

233
00:14:24,287 --> 00:14:27,085
♫ She's extremely good at tennis

234
00:14:27,085 --> 00:14:31,240
♫ On any kind of surface there might be

235
00:14:32,887 --> 00:14:34,684
♫ Clay or grass

236
00:14:35,447 --> 00:14:37,677
♫ She'll flay your ass

237
00:14:39,567 --> 00:14:43,640
♫ When she hits that topspin second serve

238
00:14:45,327 --> 00:14:50,117
♫ I think I know the meaning now of love

239
00:14:52,367 --> 00:14:54,676
♫ East Bonn never was her favourite

240
00:14:55,367 --> 00:14:57,597
♫ The outside courts were damp

241
00:14:58,367 --> 00:15:01,006
♫ She had a hamstring problem

242
00:15:01,006 --> 00:15:03,687
♫ And recurring muscle cramp

243
00:15:03,687 --> 00:15:07,680
♫ But she dug deep and won it just the same

244
00:15:10,287 --> 00:15:13,757
♫ My angel never lost a service game

245
00:15:16,207 --> 00:15:19,005
♫ But now a shadow in the distance

246
00:15:19,527 --> 00:15:21,404
♫ A girl with ponytail

247
00:15:22,287 --> 00:15:24,755
♫ 16 and full of hunger

248
00:15:25,527 --> 00:15:27,802
♫ The end of Steffi's trail

249
00:15:28,167 --> 00:15:31,364
♫ I can't wait for her defeat

250
00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:37,921
♫ I fetch a knife and take my seat

251
00:15:39,367 --> 00:15:42,165
♫ 'Cause Steffi is a goddess

252
00:15:43,327 --> 00:15:47,240
♫ My love for her, it knows no bounds

253
00:15:51,407 --> 00:15:54,240
♫ I'd kill to make her happy

254
00:15:54,567 --> 00:15:59,322
♫ Or just to get her through the early rounds

255
00:16:00,087 --> 00:16:01,759
♫ Kill or maim

256
00:16:02,767 --> 00:16:05,076
♫ It's just a game

257
00:16:06,887 --> 00:16:11,119
♫ But if I had another life I'd choose

258
00:16:12,767 --> 00:16:16,316
♫ To come back as one of Steffi's shoes

259
00:16:18,647 --> 00:16:21,525
♫ 'Cause Steffi is an angel

260
00:16:21,525 --> 00:16:25,965
♫ But she folds her wings
and walks like you and me ♫

261
00:16:37,087 --> 00:16:38,440
Ready?

262
00:16:43,487 --> 00:16:46,081
Welcome to The Lover's Helper.

263
00:16:46,081 --> 00:16:48,806
In the course of this cassette tape,

264
00:16:48,806 --> 00:16:53,597
I'll be telling you about a number of
techniques you can use
to improve your love life,

265
00:16:53,597 --> 00:16:56,963
bringing you and your partner closer than ever.

266
00:16:58,487 --> 00:17:02,639
The first section of this course
deals with foreplay. In this…

267
00:17:08,327 --> 00:17:10,841
In this section,
I want to deal with some techniques

268
00:17:10,841 --> 00:17:13,600
that can help you arouse your partner.

269
00:17:14,007 --> 00:17:17,158
Start off by simply holding each other.

270
00:17:19,047 --> 00:17:21,561
Now try stroking your partner.

271
00:17:24,567 --> 00:17:28,003
The key thing to remember
at this point is relaxation.

272
00:17:29,722 --> 00:17:31,957
If you're feeling very relaxed,

273
00:17:31,957 --> 00:17:36,677
now might be a good time
for the man to touch the woman's breasts.

274
00:17:38,247 --> 00:17:40,238
But remember to be gentle.

275
00:17:41,767 --> 00:17:44,679
Touch them as gently as you can.

276
00:17:49,487 --> 00:17:52,923
Try moving one of your hands
gently up and down.

277
00:17:56,167 --> 00:17:57,919
Does that feel good?

278
00:18:00,287 --> 00:18:02,676
Now it's the woman's turn.

279
00:18:02,887 --> 00:18:05,082
Put your hands on his bottom.

280
00:18:10,967 --> 00:18:13,845
Perhaps you might give his bottom a squeeze.

281
00:18:15,647 --> 00:18:19,276
Now, during all of this,
I hope you'll have been kissing.

282
00:18:19,767 --> 00:18:22,565
But kissing doesn't just
have to be on the mouth.

283
00:18:22,767 --> 00:18:26,760
Some people like to kiss their partners
all over their bodies.

284
00:18:29,847 --> 00:18:32,315
Who knows, if things are going really well,

285
00:18:32,315 --> 00:18:35,638
you might even end up
nibbling your partner's toes.

286
00:18:39,887 --> 00:18:41,286
If it feels good,

287
00:18:41,286 --> 00:18:45,042
this may be the right time
to start thinking about intercourse.

288
00:18:51,727 --> 00:18:55,561
You know, there's been a lot of stuff
in the news recently about the rise of fascism.

289
00:18:55,561 --> 00:18:58,559
It's the next big thing, they say.
But what exactly is fascism?

290
00:18:58,559 --> 00:19:00,763
What kind of music do fascists listen to?

291
00:19:00,763 --> 00:19:02,838
What do they wear?
Are there clubs you can go to?

292
00:19:02,838 --> 00:19:06,158
Well, now, Kevin, you're a bit
of an old fascist from way back.

293
00:19:06,158 --> 00:19:07,839
Tell me, what's it all about?

294
00:19:07,839 --> 00:19:11,158
Well, I suppose the first thing
that got me into fascism was the uniform.

295
00:19:11,158 --> 00:19:14,284
Right, have you got your
uniform with you at all?

296
00:19:15,407 --> 00:19:18,080
-Well, I'm wearing it now.
-Oh, that's it, is it?

297
00:19:18,080 --> 00:19:20,601
-Oh, I see. Yeah.
-Yeah, it's comfortable, it's hard-wearing,

298
00:19:20,601 --> 00:19:22,996
and I just… I don't know,
I just think I look good in it.

299
00:19:22,996 --> 00:19:25,726
You do, Kevin,
you look absolutely fabulous, yeah.

300
00:19:25,726 --> 00:19:29,516
If I was homosexual,
I'd want to buy you a drink at the very least.

301
00:19:29,516 --> 00:19:32,838
Well, thanks.
If I was homosexual, I'd have a pint of lager.

302
00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:34,764
-As it is, I like birds.
-Me too.

303
00:19:34,764 --> 00:19:36,485
Right, now we've got…

304
00:19:37,327 --> 00:19:39,557
We've got someone on the line.
I think it's Anna.

305
00:19:39,557 --> 00:19:40,921
Hello, Anna, are you there?

306
00:19:40,921 --> 00:19:42,122
-Hello?
-Anna, hi.

307
00:19:42,122 --> 00:19:44,277
-Hello, Anna.
-What's your question for Kevin?

308
00:19:44,277 --> 00:19:47,803
-Kevin, could you give my mum a wave?
-Certainly.

309
00:19:49,647 --> 00:19:52,081
Yeah, what's your question for Kevin, Anna?

310
00:19:52,081 --> 00:19:55,955
Kevin, what sort of music do you listen to?

311
00:19:55,955 --> 00:19:58,515
Yeah, no, uh, that's quite a good question,
actually, Anna.

312
00:19:58,515 --> 00:20:02,759
Yeah, Kevin, what is your bag,
what's your thing, what's your scene?
What's your…

313
00:20:02,759 --> 00:20:06,556
I suppose what Anna's really asking is,
what kind of music do you listen to?

314
00:20:06,556 --> 00:20:10,879
Oh. Well, it's all sorts really, Anna.
Uh, military music, marching bands,
and a lot of Wagner.

315
00:20:10,879 --> 00:20:13,401
-Yeah, 'cause of course, Hitler liked all that stuff.
-Well, absolutely.

316
00:20:13,401 --> 00:20:14,886
Yeah. Does that answer your question, Anna?

317
00:20:14,886 --> 00:20:17,037
-Well…
-Yeah, cheers, love.

318
00:20:18,167 --> 00:20:21,000
Now, for those of you watching at home,
it's worth pointing out

319
00:20:21,000 --> 00:20:23,885
that Hitler was quite a big name
in the fascism business

320
00:20:23,885 --> 00:20:25,764
way back in the, what, early '70s, was it?

321
00:20:25,764 --> 00:20:28,156
-No, earlier than that, even.
-What, even earlier than that?

322
00:20:28,156 --> 00:20:30,807
So he's, like, right in there at the beginning,
like a kind of Elvis figure.

323
00:20:30,807 --> 00:20:32,115
-Yeah.
-Yeah, that's…

324
00:20:32,115 --> 00:20:34,357
That's really interesting.
Now, tell me something about Hitler,

325
00:20:34,357 --> 00:20:36,358
'cause there has been a lot of stuff
written about him,

326
00:20:36,358 --> 00:20:39,166
you know, a lot of magazine profiles.
What kind of guy was he, do you think?

327
00:20:39,166 --> 00:20:42,159
Oh, he was a wild guy, and a little bit
strict, in a funny sort of way.

328
00:20:42,159 --> 00:20:43,362
Yeah, I've heard that.

329
00:20:43,362 --> 00:20:45,483
I'd heard he really liked to
live out there on the edge.

330
00:20:45,483 --> 00:20:47,080
-Oh, absolutely.
-That's really interesting.

331
00:20:47,080 --> 00:20:50,364
Did he have a philosophy at all?
Was he a John-Lennony kind of guy?

332
00:20:50,364 --> 00:20:54,804
Well, I suppose that the supremacy
of the Aryan race was his sort of inspiration.

333
00:20:54,804 --> 00:20:56,718
Yeah, and a sort of
segregational kind of thing.

334
00:20:56,718 --> 00:20:59,241
-Racial purity.
-Racial purity, all that sort of stuff.

335
00:20:59,241 --> 00:21:01,921
-Yeah, but then, tragically, he died, didn't he?
-Yeah, I'm afraid so.

336
00:21:01,921 --> 00:21:04,885
-Yeah, what was it? Was it drugs? I think I heard…
-No, he shot himself.

337
00:21:04,885 --> 00:21:08,323
Oh, he shot himself? Oh, that's really sad.
Yeah. Yeah.

338
00:21:08,323 --> 00:21:10,557
I guess he must have been really depressed.

339
00:21:11,727 --> 00:21:14,764
Depression… Depression is
a terrible thing. Terrible thing.

340
00:21:15,047 --> 00:21:17,561
I've been depressed now for 14 years.

341
00:21:17,561 --> 00:21:19,000
Can't shake it off.

342
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:23,603
My wife says I should kill myself,
but it's just a coward's way out, you know.

343
00:21:23,603 --> 00:21:27,680
I did try it once, though.
Locked myself in the garage, started the car.

344
00:21:28,647 --> 00:21:31,002
Bloody thing had a catalytic converter.

345
00:21:31,002 --> 00:21:33,806
Came out after seven hours
with a slight headache.

346
00:21:33,806 --> 00:21:35,718
But mustn't grumble

347
00:21:39,317 --> 00:21:40,556
Hello?

348
00:21:44,447 --> 00:21:46,677
There doesn't seem to be anyone here.

349
00:21:46,887 --> 00:21:49,879
I expect the others will turn up in a minute.

350
00:21:51,527 --> 00:21:53,643
In the meantime,

351
00:21:53,643 --> 00:21:58,039
it rather looks as if I'm sort of on my own.

352
00:21:58,247 --> 00:22:00,124
That's right, my dear.

353
00:22:00,124 --> 00:22:03,119
You are quite, quite alone.

354
00:22:03,119 --> 00:22:04,560
Who's that?

355
00:22:08,327 --> 00:22:13,037
A fog has settled on the moor
and may not lift for days.

356
00:22:13,287 --> 00:22:15,118
Who is there? Show yourself!

357
00:22:15,367 --> 00:22:18,518
Oh, come, my dear,
don't say you've forgotten me.

358
00:22:18,518 --> 00:22:20,563
Forgotten who? What?

359
00:22:20,847 --> 00:22:23,884
Welwyn Garden City, 1974,

360
00:22:24,167 --> 00:22:26,317
Debenhams car park.

361
00:22:26,317 --> 00:22:27,476
Max!

362
00:22:27,807 --> 00:22:29,445
I waited, Fiona.

363
00:22:29,445 --> 00:22:32,400
I waited a long, long time.

364
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:34,125
But you never came.

365
00:22:34,125 --> 00:22:36,880
Why didn't you come, Fiona?

366
00:22:36,880 --> 00:22:38,599
I waited.

367
00:22:38,599 --> 00:22:41,804
The traffic, I had a flat headache.

368
00:22:42,047 --> 00:22:45,005
My wife turned up, the fire burnt down.

369
00:22:45,207 --> 00:22:47,767
Oh, what's the use?

370
00:22:48,247 --> 00:22:51,762
Oh, Max, Max, Max!

371
00:22:52,327 --> 00:22:56,036
I've waited a long time for this moment, Fiona.

372
00:22:56,607 --> 00:23:00,839
-Max, I'm so sorry.
-“Sorry”? “Sorry”?

373
00:23:00,839 --> 00:23:04,715
You leave me with three bags
of quite heavy shopping,

374
00:23:04,715 --> 00:23:08,880
run off to Paris
with your lover-boy dancing laugher,

375
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:11,879
and then tell me that you're sorry?

376
00:23:11,879 --> 00:23:14,322
Oh, Max, you don't understand.

377
00:23:14,322 --> 00:23:17,126
I was young. I was in love.

378
00:23:17,327 --> 00:23:21,161
You broke me. You broke me into a thousand…

379
00:23:21,161 --> 00:23:23,807
Fiona, my colleague, what's going on?

380
00:23:23,807 --> 00:23:25,320
-Oh, nothing, nothing.
-Nothing at all.

381
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:27,557
No, we were just, um… Just chatting.

382
00:23:28,487 --> 00:23:32,400
Fiona, I must say, you look
absolutely fabulous. Alive, feline, arousing.

383
00:23:32,647 --> 00:23:34,365
No, that's Fiona.

384
00:23:41,367 --> 00:23:43,323
Yes, all right, you know?

385
00:23:43,323 --> 00:23:46,717
It's a sketch in a hospital ward. I'm so sorry.

386
00:23:46,717 --> 00:23:51,756
I'm so sorry that we're not breaking moulds
and deconstructing forms

387
00:23:51,756 --> 00:23:54,805
and drinking strange new types of lager
in underground bars

388
00:23:54,805 --> 00:23:56,684
with tight hipster jeans
hanging off our earlobes.

389
00:23:56,684 --> 00:23:58,120
I'm so sorry,

390
00:23:58,120 --> 00:24:01,404
you know, that we haven't raised
interesting cultural questions.

391
00:24:01,404 --> 00:24:03,239
I'm so nose-blowingly sorry.

392
00:24:03,239 --> 00:24:05,318
-You're not sorry at all.
-Damn bloody right, I'm not.

393
00:24:05,318 --> 00:24:08,797
It's a hospital room, all right?
He's a doctor, he's a patient. Oh, dear!

394
00:24:08,797 --> 00:24:10,115
Oh, arsing dear!

395
00:24:10,115 --> 00:24:13,085
What a disappointment.
Where are the challenged perceptions there?

396
00:24:13,085 --> 00:24:16,045
I don't wonder for a single hair-gelled,

397
00:24:16,045 --> 00:24:18,277
Time Out-reading, bloody minute.

398
00:24:19,007 --> 00:24:20,679
-Say “ah.”
-Ah.

399
00:24:20,679 --> 00:24:22,325
-Say “twim.”
-Twim.

400
00:24:22,567 --> 00:24:24,000
-Twim.
-Twim.

401
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:26,157
-Fa-dabba-ha-wee.
-Fa-dabba-ha-wee.

402
00:24:26,157 --> 00:24:27,362
-Twim.
-Twim.

403
00:24:27,362 --> 00:24:30,280
They do still exist, you know, hospitals.

404
00:24:30,280 --> 00:24:34,246
Just 'cause a lot of twats in black polo necks
fart their way through the Late Show,

405
00:24:34,246 --> 00:24:37,717
talking about “the dark underbelly
of British social repression”

406
00:24:37,717 --> 00:24:39,126
doesn't mean hospitals don't exist,

407
00:24:39,126 --> 00:24:41,004
and that people don't go to them
when they're feeling ill…

408
00:24:41,004 --> 00:24:42,156
-Hugh.
-What?

409
00:24:42,156 --> 00:24:43,680
Get out.

410
00:24:44,167 --> 00:24:45,202
Well, Doctor?

411
00:24:45,202 --> 00:24:46,322
“Well, Doctor.” Yes.

412
00:24:46,322 --> 00:24:50,719
Well, the situation is this. We do have
a new heart standing by, ready to go in.

413
00:24:50,719 --> 00:24:52,365
A very nice heart it is, too.

414
00:24:52,365 --> 00:24:54,756
Red, which I always think
is the only colour for a heart.

415
00:24:54,756 --> 00:24:56,519
No, that side of things is all fine.

416
00:24:56,519 --> 00:24:57,676
Oh, thank God.

417
00:24:57,676 --> 00:25:00,156
But, and it's a pretty fat “but,”

418
00:25:00,807 --> 00:25:02,445
you're a smoker, aren't you, Mr Spears?

419
00:25:02,445 --> 00:25:05,246
-Well, I occasionally…
-You occasionally smoke cigarettes, yes.

420
00:25:05,246 --> 00:25:07,682
-Is that a problem?
-Well, I'm afraid it is, yes.

421
00:25:07,682 --> 00:25:10,600
Puts me in a hell of a position.
Mr Twovey doesn't smoke, you see.

422
00:25:10,600 --> 00:25:12,917
-Mr Twovey?
-Yes, nice chap, two rooms down,

423
00:25:12,917 --> 00:25:15,157
came in yesterday.
He's also hoping for a new heart,

424
00:25:15,157 --> 00:25:16,521
and he's never smoked in his life.

425
00:25:16,521 --> 00:25:19,326
Well, he smoked once,
but didn't inhale, so he says.

426
00:25:19,326 --> 00:25:23,036
So, you mean the one heart you've got,
you're going to give it to Mr Twovey?

427
00:25:23,036 --> 00:25:25,197
No, no, not necessarily.
As I say, he's a nice enough chap.

428
00:25:25,197 --> 00:25:27,164
But, by God, you should see him eating soup.

429
00:25:27,164 --> 00:25:28,396
Soup?

430
00:25:28,396 --> 00:25:31,718
Oh, revolting sight. Slurping,
and sucking, and spilling all over the place.

431
00:25:31,718 --> 00:25:33,126
-Quite revolting.
-Yes?

432
00:25:33,126 --> 00:25:36,961
Now, I've seen you eating soup, Mr Spears,
and it's rather an attractive sight.

433
00:25:36,961 --> 00:25:39,800
You know, you hold the spoon properly,
tilt the bowl away from you,

434
00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:42,117
suck out of the side of the spoon,
not out of the end.

435
00:25:42,117 --> 00:25:44,767
Yeah, all together very neat about it,
very neat indeed.

436
00:25:44,767 --> 00:25:47,407
-So?
-So, I would say, you're about even on that score.

437
00:25:47,407 --> 00:25:49,557
'Course, you don't dress as well as Mr Twovey.

438
00:25:49,557 --> 00:25:51,763
Gerald does a lot of
good work in the community.

439
00:25:51,763 --> 00:25:54,759
-I'm so sorry?
-He's very active within the community.

440
00:25:54,759 --> 00:25:57,361
Yes, I've never really been sure
what that phrase means.

441
00:25:57,361 --> 00:26:00,041
I mean, burglars are very active
within the community, aren't they?

442
00:26:00,041 --> 00:26:02,277
Well, Gerald once met Esther Rantzen.

443
00:26:02,277 --> 00:26:04,642
-Did you?
-Yes, but I didn't inhale.

444
00:26:04,642 --> 00:26:06,718
I feel so shitty.

445
00:26:07,647 --> 00:26:10,207
Eany-meany-miney-mo…

446
00:26:14,527 --> 00:26:16,040
Oh, now that is good news.

447
00:26:16,040 --> 00:26:19,517
My nurse informs me
that a new heart has just come in,

448
00:26:19,517 --> 00:26:21,199
so we can, in fact, service you both.

449
00:26:21,199 --> 00:26:24,165
-Never!
-Oh, thank God. Can I kiss you, Doctor?

450
00:26:24,165 --> 00:26:26,966
If I can punch you violently
in the throat, then yes.

451
00:26:26,966 --> 00:26:29,959
Now, um, since I'm here,
I might as well give you first choice.

452
00:26:29,959 --> 00:26:32,607
Of the two hearts, the first is…

453
00:26:32,607 --> 00:26:36,077
It's from a young squash player from Aberdeen,
about 25 years old.

454
00:26:36,077 --> 00:26:39,603
And the new heart that's just come in
is from a 65-year-old cabinet minister.

455
00:26:39,603 --> 00:26:41,166
Which would you…

456
00:26:41,407 --> 00:26:43,967
Definitely, I think the cabinet minister.

457
00:26:44,687 --> 00:26:46,279
May I ask why?

458
00:26:46,279 --> 00:26:48,562
Because it's never been used.

459
00:26:59,647 --> 00:27:02,366
Say, Hugh. Do you know the way to San Jose?

460
00:27:04,845 --> 00:27:08,158
No, Hugh…
God, you ask a perfectly civil question…

461
00:27:08,887 --> 00:27:11,640
Not his fault.
He's a little hard of understanding.

462
00:27:11,967 --> 00:27:13,798
Uh, my colleague, my guests,

463
00:27:14,287 --> 00:27:16,926
um, I've just been on the telephone
to the slim controller,

464
00:27:16,926 --> 00:27:19,999
and I begged him to allow us
to go beyond our allotted time,

465
00:27:19,999 --> 00:27:21,725
but I'm sorry to say that

466
00:27:21,725 --> 00:27:24,526
he was hard, he was inflexible,
and he was very hot.

467
00:27:24,526 --> 00:27:27,485
And that means that we're going to have to draw

468
00:27:27,485 --> 00:27:32,118
another thick woollen scarf over yet
another week of fun, temptation and pain.

469
00:27:32,118 --> 00:27:33,435
Well, you know, Stephen, that's very sad…

470
00:27:33,435 --> 00:27:34,562
-Hugh.
-What?

471
00:27:34,562 --> 00:27:36,126
Shut your neck.

472
00:27:38,727 --> 00:27:42,959
Now, my guests, have you made
your cocktail selection this evening?

473
00:27:43,847 --> 00:27:45,678
-You ever had avocado?
-Maybe.

474
00:27:49,847 --> 00:27:52,645
I would like a long confident suck, please.

475
00:27:53,767 --> 00:27:56,486
-You've selected a long confident suck.
-Yes, please.

476
00:27:56,486 --> 00:27:58,239
A very wise, if I may say so, decision.

477
00:27:58,239 --> 00:28:01,876
It would be my honour and my privilege
to prepare it for you.

478
00:28:01,876 --> 00:28:05,277
Now, for a long confident suck,
you need a tall glass,

479
00:28:06,127 --> 00:28:09,642
tall spoon, a tall barman, that's me.

480
00:28:11,007 --> 00:28:14,761
You need a sugar lump steeped
in Angostura bitter, a pitted olive,

481
00:28:15,007 --> 00:28:19,080
a handful of Rice Krispies.
They must be Rice Krispies. Ricicles won't do.

482
00:28:20,607 --> 00:28:22,882
To this, you add a full measure of gin,

483
00:28:23,767 --> 00:28:25,723
a full measure of Fernet-Branca,

484
00:28:26,447 --> 00:28:28,517
a full measure of cooking yogurt,

485
00:28:29,887 --> 00:28:31,639
a full measure of Drambuie,

486
00:28:32,687 --> 00:28:35,121
with or without, it doesn't really matter.

487
00:28:35,121 --> 00:28:38,358
And, least important of all, some fried water.

488
00:28:40,647 --> 00:28:43,639
However, the most vital ingredient is missing,
and will be delivered

489
00:28:43,639 --> 00:28:45,365
when I say these words.

490
00:28:45,887 --> 00:28:48,685
Please, Mr Music, will you play?

491
00:29:39,807 --> 00:29:41,525
Soupy twist.