1 00:00:00,527 --> 00:00:05,362 I love to dunk. I'm a great dunker. Anything. I just dunk anything. 2 00:00:05,362 --> 00:00:08,917 My husband says I'd dunk my own name if it wasn't stitched on. 3 00:00:09,447 --> 00:00:12,439 You know, in tea, or in coffee, or in… 4 00:00:13,367 --> 00:00:14,766 -Hmm? -You're… 5 00:00:15,487 --> 00:00:19,036 doing one of those repeats, I suppose, are you? Filming more of those repeats. 6 00:00:20,687 --> 00:00:21,756 You know… 7 00:00:21,756 --> 00:00:23,917 I suppose this is what I pay my licence fee for, is it? 8 00:00:23,917 --> 00:00:27,716 To keep you lot in jeans and heroin. 9 00:00:28,567 --> 00:00:29,920 Hmm. 10 00:00:32,127 --> 00:00:34,516 -And then I… -It's rather irritating, you know. 11 00:00:34,516 --> 00:00:37,679 I'm trying to get through here, and you're… 12 00:00:38,047 --> 00:00:40,197 There's no room. 13 00:00:41,727 --> 00:00:44,400 No, there's no room. I want to walk through here… 14 00:00:44,967 --> 00:00:47,640 I might… Look, you see? 15 00:00:47,640 --> 00:00:49,365 Oh, but that doesn't matter, does it? 16 00:00:49,365 --> 00:00:51,483 No, because you're all… You're all right, aren't you? 17 00:00:51,483 --> 00:00:55,799 In your jeans and your leather jackets, and your… opinions. 18 00:00:59,087 --> 00:01:03,126 When I said… I like to dunk a lot of things, 19 00:01:03,126 --> 00:01:07,120 just dunk, anything, really. And, um… Oh. 20 00:01:07,120 --> 00:01:11,246 I'm going to write a very stiff letter. A very stiff letter… 21 00:01:12,727 --> 00:01:14,126 on cardboard. 22 00:01:18,087 --> 00:01:21,363 -I expect you get a lot of this, do you? -And I shall post it, too. 23 00:01:27,487 --> 00:01:30,160 Between desire and reality. 24 00:01:31,287 --> 00:01:32,606 A bit. 25 00:01:32,847 --> 00:01:35,805 Between fact and breakfast, 26 00:01:35,805 --> 00:01:40,722 madness lies, lies, lies… 27 00:01:40,927 --> 00:01:42,519 A bit. 28 00:01:42,519 --> 00:01:45,804 I hate you, I hate you and yet… 29 00:01:45,804 --> 00:01:47,320 I hate you… 30 00:01:48,726 --> 00:01:53,005 As love, rage and aches of the ear. 31 00:01:58,207 --> 00:02:01,517 Pretension by Fry and Laurie. 32 00:02:08,527 --> 00:02:10,085 Ladies and… 33 00:02:11,287 --> 00:02:12,436 Ladies, uh… 34 00:02:14,047 --> 00:02:18,837 Oh, yes. Ladies and gentleman, welcome to A Bit of Fry and Laurie. 35 00:02:18,837 --> 00:02:23,000 Mesdames et messieurs, bienvenue â Un Morceau de Fry et Laurie. 36 00:02:24,167 --> 00:02:28,126 Stoat messy bim, goat yenda fent stootka 37 00:02:28,447 --> 00:02:30,199 Fry stink Laurie. 38 00:02:32,967 --> 00:02:36,926 Lars pebble finger hat, ply bo hen Fry shat Laurie. 39 00:02:38,807 --> 00:02:42,561 Thar mattadatta, polipwippip nipsip, 40 00:02:42,561 --> 00:02:44,956 Fry hidden Laurie. 41 00:02:46,087 --> 00:02:49,636 -That's a lovely accent. -Thank you. Thank you. 42 00:02:49,636 --> 00:02:50,716 Is that from a tape or… 43 00:02:50,716 --> 00:02:52,445 No, no, I used to live there in the '70s. 44 00:02:52,445 --> 00:02:54,119 -I thought so, I thought so. -Mmm, mmm. 45 00:02:54,119 --> 00:02:58,519 Well, anyway, that's enough verbal frotting for the time being. 46 00:02:59,447 --> 00:03:02,041 It's easy to say, you know, that the next half hour 47 00:03:02,041 --> 00:03:05,164 will soon be filled with the sound of good fellowship, 48 00:03:05,164 --> 00:03:08,045 the laughter of friends, and the sobbing of children. 49 00:03:08,567 --> 00:03:13,516 That's right. But what is hard, however what is painfully, grindingly, thigh-suckingly hard 50 00:03:13,516 --> 00:03:16,963 is to find the words that can adequately describe our first guest this evening. 51 00:03:16,963 --> 00:03:19,356 Well, the easiest bit first. She's a man. 52 00:03:19,356 --> 00:03:23,520 A man of real distinction, born within moaning distance of Sevenoaks in Kent, 53 00:03:23,767 --> 00:03:25,758 our first guest has variously been described 54 00:03:25,758 --> 00:03:28,839 as the finest classical murderer of his generation, 55 00:03:28,839 --> 00:03:31,487 and also as the Jilly Cooper of anal love. 56 00:03:33,247 --> 00:03:37,399 He's the captain of his soul and the chief petty officer of his destiny, 57 00:03:37,399 --> 00:03:41,526 and he brings to A Bit of Fry and Laurie a much-needed injection of heroin. 58 00:03:41,526 --> 00:03:45,435 -He is, of course, Clive Mantle. -Oh, excellent, I had no idea. 59 00:03:50,207 --> 00:03:52,721 Hello, Clive. 60 00:03:56,207 --> 00:03:59,119 Now, Clive, this is very exciting for me. 61 00:03:59,119 --> 00:04:03,405 In fact, this is something of a realisation of a lifelong ambition, as far as I'm concerned. 62 00:04:03,887 --> 00:04:06,355 My colleague wasn't all that keen on having you on, but I insisted. 63 00:04:06,355 --> 00:04:07,516 Really? 64 00:04:08,836 --> 00:04:12,078 My colleague will have his little joke. No, sincerely, a great pleasure, Clive. 65 00:04:12,078 --> 00:04:14,362 -Thank you. -Now, Clive, tell us what you've been up to. 66 00:04:14,362 --> 00:04:16,677 You had a bit of a hard night last night, I understand. 67 00:04:16,677 --> 00:04:17,995 -Not really. No. -No? 68 00:04:17,995 --> 00:04:20,237 Well, there was something about you and, you know… 69 00:04:20,237 --> 00:04:22,238 -What? -You and a certain actor from EastEnders. 70 00:04:22,807 --> 00:04:24,001 -Oh, that, well… -Yeah? 71 00:04:24,001 --> 00:04:26,123 A certain amount of hell was raised, I understand? 72 00:04:26,123 --> 00:04:29,916 Uh, you know what the press are like, they'd like to blow everything out of all proportion. 73 00:04:29,916 --> 00:04:32,475 I think in your case, nature's already done that, Clive. 74 00:04:36,887 --> 00:04:40,846 But, Clive, tell me. Um, I've met a number of reformed hell-raisers, 75 00:04:40,846 --> 00:04:41,996 but I think I'm right in saying 76 00:04:41,996 --> 00:04:44,237 you're the first hell-raiser proper I've ever actually met. 77 00:04:44,237 --> 00:04:46,716 Tell us about this business of hell-raising, what's it all about? 78 00:04:46,716 --> 00:04:49,526 Well, I think it's specifically a reference to drinking. 79 00:04:49,887 --> 00:04:53,402 Oh, I see. So, when they say hell-raiser, they really mean “drunk.” 80 00:04:53,687 --> 00:04:56,406 -Correct? -No, I think there's a bit more to it than that. 81 00:04:56,406 --> 00:04:58,523 -Such as? -Well, 82 00:04:58,523 --> 00:05:02,845 being rude to waiters, you know, upsetting the odd table, that sort of thing. 83 00:05:04,121 --> 00:05:07,404 Well, something learnt there already, so when they say hell-raiser, 84 00:05:07,404 --> 00:05:10,718 they mean, “Old drunk who is rude to waiters and upsets tables.” 85 00:05:11,367 --> 00:05:14,723 -I think the idea is that it's quite stylish… -Stylish! 86 00:05:16,487 --> 00:05:19,126 Well, you know, amusing. 87 00:05:19,687 --> 00:05:22,155 Really? Amusing, really? Well, Stephen, your witness. 88 00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:24,044 No further questions. 89 00:05:25,287 --> 00:05:27,960 Relax, Clive, the rapier is back in its scabbard. 90 00:05:28,447 --> 00:05:32,599 Well, from sad old drunks who are rude to waiters and upset tables… 91 00:05:32,599 --> 00:05:34,882 -Stylishly. -Always stylishly. 92 00:05:34,882 --> 00:05:37,276 We move on to our second studio visitor. 93 00:05:37,687 --> 00:05:40,599 You know, ladies and gentleman, when Shakespeare wrote the words, 94 00:05:40,599 --> 00:05:44,919 “Time cannot wither her, nor custom stale her infinite variety,” 95 00:05:44,919 --> 00:05:47,237 it's possible he was thinking of Cleopatra. 96 00:05:47,237 --> 00:05:52,924 But it's also just possible too that he was thinking of our next studio guest. 97 00:05:52,924 --> 00:05:55,123 She's been described as the doyenne of… 98 00:05:55,123 --> 00:05:57,402 -It's very unlikely. -Highly unlikely. 99 00:05:58,247 --> 00:06:00,238 -Why? -Well, she was born centuries after Shakespeare. 100 00:06:00,238 --> 00:06:03,478 He couldn't possibly be talking about her, they never met, he'd never heard of her… 101 00:06:03,478 --> 00:06:04,841 Yeah, all right, all right, all right. 102 00:06:04,841 --> 00:06:08,806 Ladies and gentleman, when Jeffrey Archer wrote the words, 103 00:06:09,527 --> 00:06:13,315 “The expanding bullet mushroomed inside Ullman's thigh, 104 00:06:13,315 --> 00:06:16,843 “splintering bone and tissue, as if it had been cheap crockery,” 105 00:06:16,843 --> 00:06:19,919 it's just possible he was thinking of our next guest. 106 00:06:19,919 --> 00:06:21,645 -Better. Much better. -Much better. 107 00:06:21,645 --> 00:06:26,642 Her friends call her Snutty, but to millions of fans of the Littlewoods Catalogue, 108 00:06:26,927 --> 00:06:30,602 she is adoringly and affectionately known as the Cardigan Lady. 109 00:06:31,287 --> 00:06:35,678 Ladies and gentleman, please welcome, please ingest, please assimilate gently, 110 00:06:35,678 --> 00:06:38,361 the manifold delights of Imelda Staunton. 111 00:06:48,127 --> 00:06:51,164 Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, 112 00:06:51,164 --> 00:06:53,807 Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda. 113 00:06:53,807 --> 00:06:56,003 Imelda, Snutty, Snutty. 114 00:06:56,607 --> 00:07:00,043 -Um, tell us all about your week. -Oh, well, it's been frantic, Stephen. 115 00:07:00,043 --> 00:07:02,197 -Mmm. Supermarket openings? -How did you guess? 116 00:07:02,197 --> 00:07:03,640 -I didn't. -Well, you're wrong anyway. 117 00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:06,605 'Cause I've never opened a supermarket in my life. 118 00:07:06,605 --> 00:07:08,439 Fascinating. Really? 119 00:07:08,439 --> 00:07:10,563 -You never opened a supermarket? -No. 120 00:07:10,563 --> 00:07:14,196 I never knew that. But you do make a number of personal appearances during the course 121 00:07:14,196 --> 00:07:16,278 -of your weekly week, don't you? -Yes, yes, that's right. 122 00:07:16,278 --> 00:07:18,437 I did make a personal appearance yesterday, 123 00:07:18,437 --> 00:07:20,882 at the hairdresser's, to get my hair, um, you know… 124 00:07:20,882 --> 00:07:22,241 -Dressed? -Dressed, yeah. 125 00:07:22,241 --> 00:07:25,524 And I also made an appearance at the bus stop to catch a bus. 126 00:07:27,167 --> 00:07:30,762 They must take an enormous amount out of you, these personal appearances. 127 00:07:30,762 --> 00:07:33,680 Well, yeah. I've just gotta grin and bear it, though, you know… 128 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:35,325 Yes, well, I'd rather you didn't. 129 00:07:36,167 --> 00:07:38,601 My colleague, would you care to cross-examine? 130 00:07:38,601 --> 00:07:40,359 -Well, now, Imelda… -Oh, oh, oh… 131 00:07:40,359 --> 00:07:42,677 -Snutty, please. -Snutty, I'm so sorry. 132 00:07:42,677 --> 00:07:45,361 Snutty, um, when you agreed to come on the show, 133 00:07:45,361 --> 00:07:48,120 you said that you'd be prepared to undergo a bit of a challenge. 134 00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:50,721 -No, no, don't say that, now. -Oh, no… 135 00:07:50,721 --> 00:07:54,641 You can't back out of it now, because if you do, we'll hit you. 136 00:07:54,641 --> 00:07:59,403 What we want you to do, is to look at this photograph and provide an amusing caption. 137 00:07:59,403 --> 00:08:03,196 Photograph is right over there. So look at it now. Look at it. Look at it! 138 00:08:04,207 --> 00:08:06,084 -Ooh, uh… -I'll have to hurry you? 139 00:08:06,727 --> 00:08:10,037 So it's “Ooh, uh.” Clive, can you do any better than “Ooh, uh,” do you think? 140 00:08:10,367 --> 00:08:11,436 Uh, well… 141 00:08:11,436 --> 00:08:12,562 Hmm. 142 00:08:12,562 --> 00:08:16,162 So, we've got to choose between “Ooh, uh” and “Well.” 143 00:08:16,647 --> 00:08:18,080 -Tricky. -Very tricky, indeed. 144 00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:19,236 What do you think, my colleague? 145 00:08:19,236 --> 00:08:21,522 -I think we'll have to call it a draw. -I think you're right. 146 00:08:21,522 --> 00:08:26,283 Imelda, could you accept this old-fashioned English-assortment cigar tin from us 147 00:08:26,283 --> 00:08:27,686 as our… As your prize? 148 00:08:27,686 --> 00:08:31,442 And, Clive. Please accept this small kiss on the brow from my colleague. 149 00:08:32,647 --> 00:08:33,875 Good night. 150 00:08:35,847 --> 00:08:37,280 Strange man. 151 00:08:37,887 --> 00:08:39,878 And talking of strange men… 152 00:08:40,367 --> 00:08:42,164 Oh, well, what I always say is, 153 00:08:43,087 --> 00:08:47,126 if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, shoot it. 154 00:08:48,247 --> 00:08:51,159 I was christened Gay, you see. 155 00:08:51,407 --> 00:08:54,285 Um, it was a perfectly common name in the 1950s, 156 00:08:54,285 --> 00:08:57,843 but today, well, it has connotations, doesn't it? 157 00:08:57,843 --> 00:09:00,839 You know, if you go around saying, “Hello, I'm Gay.” 158 00:09:00,839 --> 00:09:03,202 So I went to the Deed Poll place 159 00:09:03,202 --> 00:09:07,166 and I changed it to “Rampantly Homosexual.” 160 00:09:13,407 --> 00:09:16,524 -Another one please, barman. -You sure? 161 00:09:16,524 --> 00:09:18,678 -What? -No offence, but this will be your seventh. 162 00:09:18,678 --> 00:09:21,964 -You just keep 'em coming. -Righto. Your funeral. 163 00:09:28,127 --> 00:09:30,163 -Bitch. -Come again? 164 00:09:30,163 --> 00:09:32,084 -My wife. -Oh, right, right. 165 00:09:32,447 --> 00:09:35,644 She doesn't understand me. She's never understood me. 166 00:09:35,644 --> 00:09:38,037 What, Polish or something, is she? 167 00:09:40,607 --> 00:09:41,596 You ever been… 168 00:09:41,596 --> 00:09:45,123 You ever been trapped in a loveless marriage with a woman you despise? 169 00:09:45,727 --> 00:09:47,046 Not since I was nine. 170 00:09:49,287 --> 00:09:50,845 Do you like it straight up? 171 00:09:52,527 --> 00:09:54,119 -What? -Or with ice? 172 00:09:54,119 --> 00:09:55,515 -Ice. -Righto. 173 00:09:56,407 --> 00:09:58,238 -Cocktail onion? -No, thanks. 174 00:09:59,407 --> 00:10:03,195 She takes no interest in my friends, you know. She laughs at my… 175 00:10:03,195 --> 00:10:04,686 -Peanuts? -…hobbies. 176 00:10:08,367 --> 00:10:11,279 -She doesn't even value my… -Crinkle-cut cheesy Wotsits? 177 00:10:12,127 --> 00:10:13,321 …career. 178 00:10:14,367 --> 00:10:15,880 You know, it's just so depressing. 179 00:10:15,880 --> 00:10:18,720 -All right, so other men have got larger… -Plums? 180 00:10:20,207 --> 00:10:22,801 …salaries, and better prospects, 181 00:10:22,801 --> 00:10:26,596 -and other men can boast a healthier-looking… -Stool? 182 00:10:28,207 --> 00:10:29,401 …lifestyle. 183 00:10:30,807 --> 00:10:34,846 All right, you know, so I haven't got loads of cash hanging around. 184 00:10:35,047 --> 00:10:38,244 You know, but why complain? Other people are worse off. I've got a job. 185 00:10:38,244 --> 00:10:40,522 -I've got two sweet, rosy… -Nibbles? 186 00:10:40,807 --> 00:10:42,081 …children. 187 00:10:45,247 --> 00:10:48,239 And she's always going on and on and on about my appearance. 188 00:10:48,239 --> 00:10:50,158 I mean, it's not as if she's an oil painting. 189 00:10:50,158 --> 00:10:53,239 -You know, I mean frankly she's… -Plain and prawn-flavoured. 190 00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:56,162 She's not as young as she used to be herself. 191 00:10:57,847 --> 00:11:00,520 I don't know why I bother with women. I'd be better off being a… 192 00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:01,676 -Fruit? -Well… 193 00:11:03,327 --> 00:11:05,238 Monk or a hermit or something. 194 00:11:05,727 --> 00:11:07,445 -At least if I was a… -Fag? 195 00:11:09,007 --> 00:11:12,636 At least if I was a monk, you know, I wouldn't have to put up with women, 196 00:11:12,636 --> 00:11:16,003 you know… Women going on and on, who can talk the hind leg off a… 197 00:11:16,003 --> 00:11:18,999 -Camel? -…donkey, you know. 198 00:11:18,999 --> 00:11:20,884 The trouble is, I couldn't live without women. 199 00:11:20,884 --> 00:11:23,162 You know, in a monastery the best you can hope for is a bit of… 200 00:11:23,162 --> 00:11:24,396 Chocolate Hobnob? 201 00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:28,479 …peace and spirituality. 202 00:11:29,527 --> 00:11:31,995 I mean, let's face it, we haven't slept together for years. 203 00:11:32,407 --> 00:11:35,683 -You know, the best I can hope for is a bit of… -Savoury finger? 204 00:11:36,487 --> 00:11:37,715 …a bit of a… 205 00:11:38,967 --> 00:11:40,844 Bit of a cuddle at Christmas. 206 00:11:42,527 --> 00:11:45,200 And, naturally, she won't let me give her so much as a… 207 00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:47,323 Good juicy tongue in the back passage. 208 00:11:52,047 --> 00:11:54,117 …as a peck on the cheek. 209 00:11:55,687 --> 00:11:59,600 I tell you… I tell you, the trouble with that woman, is that she's just a… 210 00:11:59,600 --> 00:12:02,918 Rather disgusting-looking tart that should have been disposed of ages ago? 211 00:12:03,527 --> 00:12:04,721 She… 212 00:12:05,007 --> 00:12:09,285 I tell you what it is, she's a complainer. That's what she is, a complainer. 213 00:12:10,447 --> 00:12:14,599 -Well, one more for the road I think, barman. -Certainly. Anything to go with it? 214 00:12:15,607 --> 00:12:17,677 Bag of oral sex, if you've got one. 215 00:12:19,007 --> 00:12:23,285 …and pants first. Always pants first. Then socks. 216 00:12:23,807 --> 00:12:26,844 Then shoes, trousers, shirt, tie, 217 00:12:28,927 --> 00:12:30,406 possibly a hat, 218 00:12:31,407 --> 00:12:32,920 but only if I'm really hungry. 219 00:12:33,567 --> 00:12:37,242 It's funny, we had this thrush outside our bedroom window, 220 00:12:37,927 --> 00:12:39,997 and it kept us awake for weeks. 221 00:12:39,997 --> 00:12:43,523 So, in the end, I got up and poured natural yoghurt all over it. 222 00:12:48,287 --> 00:12:50,960 -Hello, Julie. -Oh, hello, Frank. Kettle's on. 223 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:54,084 Uh, no, ta. Um, Julie, there's something I wanted to tell you. 224 00:12:54,084 --> 00:12:57,239 Oh, well, can't it wait? Only, I've got to pick Rebecca up at 4:00. 225 00:12:57,239 --> 00:12:59,557 -Oh, not really, no. -Oh, well, make it quick then. 226 00:12:59,557 --> 00:13:02,923 -Yeah, well, I'm trying. -Only, I've got to pick Rebecca up at 4:00. 227 00:13:02,923 --> 00:13:04,406 Yeah, but it's not easy. 228 00:13:04,406 --> 00:13:07,763 Oh, blimey. Look, it's nearly 4:00 now. I've got to pick Rebecca up in a minute. 229 00:13:07,763 --> 00:13:10,077 No, look, hold on, love. This is important. 230 00:13:10,077 --> 00:13:11,680 -Important? -Yeah. 231 00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:14,241 -You see, the thing is this. I've… -Bill! 232 00:13:14,241 --> 00:13:16,841 -Sorry, am I… -No, no, it's all right. 233 00:13:17,127 --> 00:13:18,719 No, Frank was going to tell me something important 234 00:13:18,719 --> 00:13:21,162 but I've got to pick Rebecca up at 4:00. So… 235 00:13:21,162 --> 00:13:23,078 Well, I'll pick Rebecca up if you like. 236 00:13:23,078 --> 00:13:24,680 -You sure? -Yeah. 237 00:13:25,447 --> 00:13:28,996 -Yeah, no problem. What time? -Uh, 4:00. 238 00:13:29,527 --> 00:13:32,246 -Oh, blimey, it's nearly 4:00 now. -I know. 239 00:13:32,447 --> 00:13:34,722 -Well, I'll go and pick her up, then. -Well, kettle's on. 240 00:13:34,722 --> 00:13:36,001 No thanks, treacle. 241 00:13:36,001 --> 00:13:38,760 Look, I better get a move on so I'll make it by 4:00. 242 00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:39,996 Oh, thanks. 243 00:13:39,996 --> 00:13:41,679 -All right, see you, sis. -See ya. 244 00:13:41,679 --> 00:13:44,235 -Now then, what's so important? -Well… 245 00:13:44,927 --> 00:13:47,441 -Kettle's on, by the way. -No, thanks, no. 246 00:13:47,441 --> 00:13:51,042 -You sure? Won't take a minute. -No, no, you see, the thing is this, Julie… 247 00:13:51,042 --> 00:13:54,005 -Sorry, am I…? -What's wrong? What's wrong? Rebecca all right? 248 00:13:54,005 --> 00:13:55,964 -Oh, fine… -No, tell me, what's happened? 249 00:13:55,964 --> 00:13:57,036 Nothing's happened. 250 00:13:57,036 --> 00:13:58,401 -It's just… -What? 251 00:13:58,401 --> 00:14:00,364 Well, where am I going to pick her up from? 252 00:14:01,647 --> 00:14:03,160 -Oh, Rebecca? -Yeah. 253 00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:05,807 -Tony's. -Oh, Tony's. Great, yeah. 254 00:14:05,807 --> 00:14:07,764 -What time? -I said 4:00. 255 00:14:08,087 --> 00:14:09,486 Oh, blimey. 256 00:14:10,127 --> 00:14:13,358 I'd better make a move or I might not make it by 4:00. 257 00:14:14,647 --> 00:14:16,080 Now then… 258 00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:18,556 -Let's have that tea. -Uh, no, not for me. 259 00:14:18,556 --> 00:14:20,877 -You sure? Kettle's on. -No, really… 260 00:14:20,877 --> 00:14:23,083 -Two seconds. Warm the pot… -No… 261 00:14:23,083 --> 00:14:24,395 -…couple of tea bags… -Julie. 262 00:14:24,395 --> 00:14:25,681 What? 263 00:14:25,887 --> 00:14:27,764 -Yeah, ta. I'd love a cup of tea. -Ooh. 264 00:14:27,764 --> 00:14:30,839 Now, this big important thing that can't wait… 265 00:14:30,839 --> 00:14:33,566 Well, it's not very easy, love, 'cause the thing is… 266 00:14:33,566 --> 00:14:35,717 -Sugar? -Uh, yeah, two. Thanks. 267 00:14:35,927 --> 00:14:37,963 Look, we've known each other for some time, haven't we? 268 00:14:37,963 --> 00:14:39,082 Yeah. 269 00:14:39,082 --> 00:14:42,159 I suppose what I'm trying to say is this, I've been… 270 00:14:42,407 --> 00:14:43,760 Either of you two seen Bill? 271 00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:45,439 -Bill? -Yeah, he's supposed to be giving me a lift. 272 00:14:45,439 --> 00:14:47,085 No, he's gone to fetch Rebecca. 273 00:14:47,085 --> 00:14:48,361 -What time? -9:00. 274 00:14:48,361 --> 00:14:50,563 -9:00? -Oh, no, wait a minute, 4:00. 275 00:14:50,563 --> 00:14:51,682 -4:00? -4:00. 276 00:14:51,682 --> 00:14:53,246 -Sure? -Sure. He'll be back in a minute. 277 00:14:53,246 --> 00:14:55,795 Oh, I'll hang on then. Kettle on, is it? 278 00:15:06,007 --> 00:15:08,362 ♫ Oh, little girl 279 00:15:08,847 --> 00:15:13,443 ♫ Would you like a sweetie? Would you put your hand in mine? 280 00:15:14,207 --> 00:15:17,722 ♫ I promise not to hurt you Or impinge upon your virtue 281 00:15:17,722 --> 00:15:20,640 ♫ All I want is half a second of your time 282 00:15:20,640 --> 00:15:23,036 ♫ Oh, little girl 283 00:15:23,367 --> 00:15:25,676 ♫ Won't you smile into the camera? 284 00:15:25,676 --> 00:15:28,440 ♫ This time I know we'll get the perfect shot 285 00:15:28,687 --> 00:15:32,760 ♫ Now do you think that it would hurt If you just undid your shirt 286 00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:35,401 ♫ And showed the readers everything you've got? 287 00:15:36,367 --> 00:15:38,198 ♫ Little girl 288 00:15:38,687 --> 00:15:43,442 ♫ You really mustn't worry No one will respect you any less 289 00:15:44,407 --> 00:15:47,956 ♫ When all is said and done You know, it's just a bit of fun 290 00:15:47,956 --> 00:15:50,721 ♫ Now be a sport, take off that pretty dress 291 00:15:53,487 --> 00:15:55,398 ♫ Little girl 292 00:15:55,927 --> 00:15:57,918 ♫ Can't you see now you are famous? 293 00:15:57,918 --> 00:16:00,919 ♫ Your name is on the nation's lips 294 00:16:01,367 --> 00:16:05,155 ♫ Over breakfast they'll admire you In their lunch hour they'll desire you 295 00:16:05,155 --> 00:16:08,438 ♫ And by tea time you'll be wrapping up their chips 296 00:16:08,887 --> 00:16:10,639 ♫ Little girl 297 00:16:11,047 --> 00:16:13,322 ♫ Congratulations on your record 298 00:16:13,322 --> 00:16:16,285 ♫ They played it on the wireless just today 299 00:16:16,847 --> 00:16:20,635 ♫ It was fast and rather naughty Went straight in at number 40 300 00:16:20,927 --> 00:16:23,725 ♫ Though the DJ said that's where it ought to stay 301 00:16:26,287 --> 00:16:27,515 ♫ Little girl 302 00:16:28,167 --> 00:16:30,442 ♫ So you got married to a pop star 303 00:16:30,442 --> 00:16:33,325 ♫ I can hardly work my camera for the tears 304 00:16:33,527 --> 00:16:37,759 ♫ But as you said your fond goodbyes I got a great one of your thighs 305 00:16:37,759 --> 00:16:40,919 ♫ What a shame you were divorced within a year 306 00:16:42,767 --> 00:16:44,519 ♫ Little girl 307 00:16:45,407 --> 00:16:48,604 ♫ You're not a girl and you're not little 308 00:16:49,687 --> 00:16:54,477 ♫ But there's still one thing I'd love it if you'd do 309 00:16:56,407 --> 00:16:59,479 ♫ Although she's slightly shorter 310 00:17:00,047 --> 00:17:03,198 ♫ I would love to meet your daughter 311 00:17:04,007 --> 00:17:06,965 ♫ Do you think that she would like to follow you? 312 00:17:07,727 --> 00:17:11,003 ♫ Do you think that she would like to follow you? ♫ 313 00:17:18,367 --> 00:17:20,881 Conservative. Sorry. There it is. 314 00:17:24,167 --> 00:17:25,441 Yes? 315 00:17:27,287 --> 00:17:29,084 Ah, well, now… I'm… 316 00:17:29,084 --> 00:17:33,206 I'm a lifelong, dyed-in-the-wool don't-know, really. 317 00:17:34,007 --> 00:17:36,123 Well, yeah, you see I got this system. 318 00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:38,562 I mean, I know people say there's no such thing as a perfect system, 319 00:17:38,562 --> 00:17:40,080 but, yeah, mine's pretty good. 320 00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:43,318 What happens is, I vote Conservative in elections, 321 00:17:43,318 --> 00:17:47,360 and if there isn't an election, I vote Labour. And that seems to work. 322 00:17:48,087 --> 00:17:51,443 I'm one of those, um… One of those ones that… 323 00:17:51,443 --> 00:17:54,485 Oh, what are they called? The people who change their minds all the time. 324 00:17:54,485 --> 00:17:56,319 An archetypal… 325 00:17:57,447 --> 00:18:01,440 Oh, what's the phrase? Someone who votes first this way and then that way… 326 00:18:02,527 --> 00:18:05,280 “Something” voter. That's what I am. 327 00:18:08,407 --> 00:18:10,318 You know, with the pace of modern life being what it is, 328 00:18:10,318 --> 00:18:12,796 it's sometimes hard, isn't it, to make time for the simple things, 329 00:18:12,796 --> 00:18:16,880 like masturbation, and brewing a really good pot of tea, 330 00:18:16,880 --> 00:18:20,437 because we're besieged on all sides, aren't we, by the “instant” merchants: 331 00:18:20,437 --> 00:18:23,121 instant coffee, instant traffic, instant hair, 332 00:18:23,121 --> 00:18:25,482 instant devolution of power to local government 333 00:18:25,482 --> 00:18:28,957 through the channels of tariff reform and the implementation of local weighting measures. 334 00:18:28,957 --> 00:18:33,086 Well, to help you slow down and make time, I'm going to get Snutty here 335 00:18:33,086 --> 00:18:35,084 to take us through the traditional way to make 336 00:18:35,084 --> 00:18:39,206 a pot of hot-strong, hot-strong-good-strong, hot-warming, but not hotting, 337 00:18:39,206 --> 00:18:41,847 good-fresh, fresh-good tea. Good. Snuts. 338 00:18:41,847 --> 00:18:44,885 Well, the first step is to warm the pot. 339 00:18:44,885 --> 00:18:47,686 Well, priceless piece of advice right there, ladies and gentleman. 340 00:18:47,686 --> 00:18:51,203 Next, find yourself an area of soil, 341 00:18:52,767 --> 00:18:55,725 not less than two metres square, preferably south-facing, 342 00:18:55,725 --> 00:18:57,957 where you can plant a tea plant. 343 00:18:58,407 --> 00:19:00,523 And that's where we get tea from, is it? 344 00:19:00,523 --> 00:19:01,642 Sorry? 345 00:19:01,642 --> 00:19:03,797 From the tea plant, that's where we get tea from, is it? 346 00:19:03,797 --> 00:19:05,559 No, that's where we get cups and saucers. 347 00:19:07,487 --> 00:19:08,715 Having… 348 00:19:10,687 --> 00:19:14,600 Having planted a tea plant, you're looking at a number of years, perhaps three, 349 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:18,600 before the bush is strong enough to yield a reasonable amount of what we call tea leaves. 350 00:19:18,600 --> 00:19:20,279 Mmm! Can hardly wait. 351 00:19:20,727 --> 00:19:21,921 -Hugh? -Yes? 352 00:19:21,921 --> 00:19:23,235 Would you be a love and fetch my secateurs? 353 00:19:23,235 --> 00:19:25,682 -Secateurs, right. Where are they? -At my uncle's house in Carlisle. 354 00:19:25,682 --> 00:19:26,802 -Okay. -Thank you. 355 00:19:26,802 --> 00:19:30,675 So, luckily, three years ago, Hugh mentioned they might be featuring the tea plant. 356 00:19:30,675 --> 00:19:33,122 So I went ahead and planted one, and here it is. 357 00:19:33,122 --> 00:19:35,118 -So I think it would… -Carlisle? 358 00:19:35,118 --> 00:19:36,242 Yeah. 359 00:19:37,167 --> 00:19:38,520 But that's miles away. 360 00:19:38,520 --> 00:19:41,121 No, no, no, no. Intercity, no time. 361 00:19:41,367 --> 00:19:42,561 Right. 362 00:19:43,327 --> 00:19:46,524 So if I tear off a couple of these leaves, they give off, 363 00:19:46,967 --> 00:19:49,686 -mmm, a fabulous aroma. -You were absolutely right, no time at all. 364 00:19:49,686 --> 00:19:52,645 Oh, well done. Well done, well done. 365 00:19:53,047 --> 00:19:55,197 Very good, actually. They're very good, these. 366 00:19:55,197 --> 00:19:58,245 -So was there a buffet car? -Yes, there was, actually. Yes. 367 00:19:58,245 --> 00:19:59,760 And how was their tea? 368 00:19:59,760 --> 00:20:02,759 Not bad at all. It was instant, but you know… 369 00:20:02,759 --> 00:20:05,122 -It's not the same, really, is it? -As what? 370 00:20:05,122 --> 00:20:10,042 Same as this good old-fashioned, proper, British, good-hot, fresh, hot-fresh, good-fresh-good, 371 00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:13,039 warming-but-not-hotting, good-fresh, fresh-good tea. British. 372 00:20:14,196 --> 00:20:15,606 -Right. So, Snutty… -Yeah. 373 00:20:15,606 --> 00:20:17,518 -…you've planted your tea plant, all right. -Mmm-hmm. 374 00:20:17,518 --> 00:20:19,916 You've waited for three years, and you've warmed the pot already… 375 00:20:19,916 --> 00:20:22,726 Yes, now you can see why you warm the pot first, can't you? 376 00:20:22,726 --> 00:20:25,685 To save time, of course. So what's the next stage? 377 00:20:25,685 --> 00:20:27,723 Well, now we go to a restaurant or cafe 378 00:20:27,723 --> 00:20:30,367 where they have a reputation for serving an excellent cup of tea. 379 00:20:30,367 --> 00:20:31,516 Let's do that now. 380 00:20:32,767 --> 00:20:37,443 You know, we're not really very interested in politics, not very adventurous, you know… 381 00:20:38,407 --> 00:20:41,638 Missionary position's always been all right for us. So why change? 382 00:20:42,527 --> 00:20:45,724 People always mock things that they can't understand. 383 00:20:46,007 --> 00:20:48,805 That's why they mock John Major being Prime Minister. 384 00:20:48,805 --> 00:20:50,957 Nobody can understand how it happened. 385 00:20:52,447 --> 00:20:56,838 Went to the theatre the other night, the National… Our National Theatre… 386 00:20:56,838 --> 00:20:59,202 Our Royal National Theatre. 387 00:20:59,202 --> 00:21:01,721 Saw a play. Yes, all right, it was only a play. 388 00:21:01,721 --> 00:21:03,877 Oh, brilliant! So now I'm to be judged and mocked 389 00:21:03,877 --> 00:21:06,401 and whipped and scorned because it was only a play, am I? 390 00:21:06,401 --> 00:21:09,081 It's all right! It was only a sod-buggering play! 391 00:21:09,447 --> 00:21:11,756 No, Eric Cantona wasn't in it. 392 00:21:11,967 --> 00:21:15,596 Nor was Linford Christie or Stephen Hendry or any of the big stars. 393 00:21:15,596 --> 00:21:17,837 Jesus Christ! What do you want from me, huh? 394 00:21:17,837 --> 00:21:19,525 Hmm? Hmm? 395 00:21:19,927 --> 00:21:24,318 I mean, Christ, at least I bother to get off my fat, wobbling, festering, 396 00:21:24,318 --> 00:21:27,205 lardy carpet and actually go to the theatre! 397 00:21:27,205 --> 00:21:28,879 Suddenly, I'm Adolf Eichmann! 398 00:21:29,247 --> 00:21:32,842 Well, I mean you just don't… Oh, why won't this frigging tomato behave? 399 00:21:34,647 --> 00:21:39,482 God! I mean, what is the earthly point of trying, just for once in your life, 400 00:21:39,482 --> 00:21:44,357 just trying to make an honest, decent salad for no other motive other than love, 401 00:21:44,357 --> 00:21:46,165 and a decent desire, 402 00:21:46,165 --> 00:21:49,956 without the crudging, arsing thing coming apart in your hand? 403 00:21:52,807 --> 00:21:57,597 Anyway, I saw a play there by Shakespeare, as it happens. 404 00:21:57,887 --> 00:22:00,765 And so I started thinking. Thinking about… 405 00:22:00,765 --> 00:22:04,283 Oh, damn and blast! This cocking cucumber! 406 00:22:06,127 --> 00:22:08,277 Why does it have to be like this? 407 00:22:09,007 --> 00:22:13,876 I watched television last night. It was like… It was like staring into a sewer. 408 00:22:14,727 --> 00:22:19,323 I counted 23 tits, 14 arses, and a thigh. 409 00:22:20,407 --> 00:22:22,159 Hmm? Well, I mean, why can't they 410 00:22:22,159 --> 00:22:26,320 show something on television that shows you don't have to be dirty? 411 00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:27,840 Hmm? You don't have to be dirty. 412 00:22:32,927 --> 00:22:35,805 Hello, and welcome to Don't Be Dirty. 413 00:22:35,805 --> 00:22:38,725 The show that shows you don't have to be dirty. 414 00:22:38,927 --> 00:22:41,566 With us is Tony, three-times semi-finalist, 415 00:22:41,566 --> 00:22:43,837 and John, keen to be clean, 416 00:22:43,837 --> 00:22:48,637 who came through unexpectedly when last week's finalist, Mr Nottingham, died in a canoe. 417 00:22:48,637 --> 00:22:51,241 Tony, I'd like you to start first. 418 00:22:51,241 --> 00:22:53,682 Would you describe for us, Tony, please, 419 00:22:53,682 --> 00:22:58,079 the act of fellatio, that's the act, Tony, of fellatio, without, Tony, 420 00:22:58,079 --> 00:23:01,159 and I'm sure you must know the rules by now, without being dirty. 421 00:23:01,487 --> 00:23:04,240 And your time starts five seconds ago. 422 00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:07,558 Uh… This is an act that takes place between two people, 423 00:23:07,558 --> 00:23:09,603 uh, possibly of opposite sexes, but possibly not… 424 00:23:09,603 --> 00:23:10,756 Careful, Tony. 425 00:23:10,756 --> 00:23:14,920 …whereby, one of the participants takes a part of the other participant's person 426 00:23:14,920 --> 00:23:18,556 into the place where they might more commonly keep bubblegum, say, 427 00:23:18,556 --> 00:23:19,841 and proceeds to masticate… 428 00:23:19,841 --> 00:23:23,044 Oh, Tony, I thought you were a goner there. You're playing with fire, mind. 429 00:23:23,044 --> 00:23:27,484 …until the other participant arrives at a state of pleasurable relaxation. 430 00:23:27,484 --> 00:23:32,118 The second participant then gives the first participant ten quid and goes home. 431 00:23:33,196 --> 00:23:36,996 Oh, unbelievable! Can no one beat this big man from Hunstanton? 432 00:23:36,996 --> 00:23:39,203 Well, John, it's up to you. Now… 433 00:23:39,567 --> 00:23:42,240 Your topic is the preservation of hardwoods. 434 00:23:42,687 --> 00:23:44,484 Your time starts… then! 435 00:23:44,484 --> 00:23:46,762 Well, this is a very necessary business operation… 436 00:23:47,836 --> 00:23:49,645 -Tony's challenged. -He said “business.” 437 00:23:49,645 --> 00:23:51,922 You did say “business,” John, you did. 438 00:23:51,922 --> 00:23:54,441 Little bit dirty there. Minute away but plenty of time to go. 439 00:23:54,441 --> 00:23:57,963 Operation that has to be carried out if developers are not to rase our hardwood forests… 440 00:23:59,036 --> 00:24:00,560 Another challenge from our reigning champion. 441 00:24:00,560 --> 00:24:03,161 -The nature of your challenge, Tony, please. -He said… He said “rase.” 442 00:24:03,161 --> 00:24:05,522 -He did say “rase,” Tony. -“Rase” is an anagram of “arse.” 443 00:24:05,522 --> 00:24:08,997 Rase is an anagram of arse, John, it is, it is, it is. 444 00:24:08,997 --> 00:24:12,045 So sorry. I'm afraid we have to lose you. You were keen to be clean 445 00:24:12,045 --> 00:24:14,402 but you came up against a man very much at the top of his form. 446 00:24:14,402 --> 00:24:16,876 -So sorry to say goodbye. -Oh, piss! 447 00:24:18,247 --> 00:24:20,317 Tony, you've been in this position before. 448 00:24:20,317 --> 00:24:23,365 You keep the £800 anyway. They're yours to keep, as of right. 449 00:24:23,365 --> 00:24:26,405 No one can take them away from you, but I'm offering you now 450 00:24:26,405 --> 00:24:29,763 another £600, plus an opportunity 451 00:24:29,763 --> 00:24:33,601 to go into our Don't Be Dirty daily double with a chance to win £10. 452 00:24:33,601 --> 00:24:36,082 -I'll go for the daily double. -I knew you'd say that, Tony. 453 00:24:36,082 --> 00:24:37,885 You're a sport, quite a sport. 454 00:24:37,885 --> 00:24:40,720 But do remember that the prizes that you've won are yours to keep. 455 00:24:40,720 --> 00:24:43,958 -They're yours, yours alone. You're clear on that? -I am clear on that, Bradley, yes. 456 00:24:43,958 --> 00:24:47,596 All right. So long as you're clear on that. They're yours, no one else's, just yours. 457 00:24:47,596 --> 00:24:52,317 All right. Can we have the Don't Be Dirty daily double categories on the board, please? 458 00:24:52,687 --> 00:24:54,996 Your categories are: rimming, 459 00:24:55,967 --> 00:24:59,642 genital torture, and David Vine. 460 00:25:01,127 --> 00:25:04,244 Now remember, this is a daily double, so two subjects, Tony. 461 00:25:05,447 --> 00:25:08,996 I have to hurry you as you take your time. Just take your time, very quickly. 462 00:25:09,887 --> 00:25:13,596 Uh, genital torture and David Vine, please, Bradley. 463 00:25:13,596 --> 00:25:14,802 Tony… 464 00:25:16,287 --> 00:25:19,962 You have 30 earth seconds in which to talk 465 00:25:19,962 --> 00:25:22,766 about genital torture and David Vine. 466 00:25:22,967 --> 00:25:25,527 And those 30 seconds, Tony, start… 467 00:25:26,607 --> 00:25:28,086 Oh, damn, just missed that one. 468 00:25:29,327 --> 00:25:30,476 Coming up. 469 00:25:32,807 --> 00:25:33,922 Now! 470 00:25:33,922 --> 00:25:37,084 Uh, nipple clamps and scrotal compressors 471 00:25:37,084 --> 00:25:40,279 are frequently deployed, as well as a variety of serrated needles 472 00:25:40,279 --> 00:25:42,961 which are inserted into parts of the body 473 00:25:42,961 --> 00:25:45,800 normally kept inside pants and vests. 474 00:25:45,800 --> 00:25:50,085 Presenting various sporting events, most notably the World Snooker finals 475 00:25:50,085 --> 00:25:52,761 from the Crucible Theatre, Sheffield, David Vine combines 476 00:25:52,761 --> 00:25:57,557 an easy, relaxed presentational style, with a clear expertise on the game. He… 477 00:25:59,444 --> 00:26:01,916 Oh, Tony, Tony! You said “on the game”! 478 00:26:01,916 --> 00:26:04,123 Oh, you're dirty, Tony, and that's a pity. 479 00:26:04,123 --> 00:26:06,323 I was. I was dirty. Shite, arse, damn. 480 00:26:06,323 --> 00:26:09,365 Only four seconds to go, and you were dirty. 481 00:26:09,365 --> 00:26:13,440 Tony, I'm so sorry. It means you lose all the prizes you won last week 482 00:26:13,440 --> 00:26:15,483 and the prizes you won tonight. They're gone. 483 00:26:15,483 --> 00:26:19,321 They're not yours, they're lost. As of right, they're not yours any more. 484 00:26:19,321 --> 00:26:22,399 I'm afraid you have to repay to us your travel expenses 485 00:26:22,399 --> 00:26:24,125 and you leave us empty-handed. 486 00:26:24,125 --> 00:26:27,005 -But, Tony, you knew the risks. -I did, Bradley, yes, I knew the risks, yes. 487 00:26:27,005 --> 00:26:30,124 But tell me this thing, Tony. Have you had a good time on Don't Be Dirty? 488 00:26:30,124 --> 00:26:32,004 Have you enjoyed yourself? Has it been a pleasure? 489 00:26:32,004 --> 00:26:34,282 It's been a big one, Bradley. 490 00:26:34,282 --> 00:26:37,325 It's been a really, really big one. I've pleasured myself hugely. 491 00:26:37,325 --> 00:26:38,806 Oh, well, that's good to hear. 492 00:26:38,806 --> 00:26:42,436 Until next time, ladies and gentlemen, we say goodbye. But do remember this. 493 00:26:42,436 --> 00:26:44,518 -Don't be dirty. -Don't be dirty. 494 00:26:58,047 --> 00:27:01,483 Well, that bitch, whore, strumpet time 495 00:27:01,483 --> 00:27:04,479 has dealt us another deadly dog turd, I'm afraid. 496 00:27:04,479 --> 00:27:07,599 And I look up at the space on the wall that's covered by the Fry and Laurie clock 497 00:27:07,599 --> 00:27:10,679 and I see that in one-and-a-half minutes' time, I will no longer be able to say, 498 00:27:10,679 --> 00:27:14,316 “Ladies and gentlemen, you are watching A Bit of Fry and Laurie.” 499 00:27:14,316 --> 00:27:15,681 I can say it now, however. 500 00:27:15,681 --> 00:27:19,442 Ladies and gentlemen, you are watching A Bit of Fry and Laurie. 501 00:27:19,967 --> 00:27:21,082 But not for long. 502 00:27:21,082 --> 00:27:22,725 -Hugh. -What? 503 00:27:22,725 --> 00:27:24,206 I'd be interested to see the memo 504 00:27:24,206 --> 00:27:26,801 from the Director General that gives you permission to butt in like that. 505 00:27:27,607 --> 00:27:28,801 I'm so very sorry. 506 00:27:28,801 --> 00:27:31,526 I can certainly show you the memo that tells you to butt out. 507 00:27:31,526 --> 00:27:32,960 He's quite right. 508 00:27:33,607 --> 00:27:36,883 Well, now it comes to that time where I ask our guests 509 00:27:36,883 --> 00:27:41,677 to tell me the kind, sort, or kind of cocktail that they would like served to them this evening. 510 00:27:41,677 --> 00:27:45,601 Lady guest and gentle guest, faites vos choix, s'il vous plaît. 511 00:27:52,687 --> 00:27:54,405 Well, I want one of each. 512 00:27:54,405 --> 00:27:59,356 No, no, no. No, I think we'll plump for the South Seas Vulvic Wart. 513 00:27:59,356 --> 00:28:00,436 Mmm! 514 00:28:00,767 --> 00:28:02,883 The South Seas Vulvic Wart. 515 00:28:02,883 --> 00:28:06,198 Well, for this you will need two scooped-out melons, 516 00:28:06,198 --> 00:28:09,797 plenty of ice, some dry London gin, 517 00:28:10,127 --> 00:28:12,687 check, that should be wet London gin. 518 00:28:12,927 --> 00:28:16,966 You will need the opening paragraph of George Eliot's Silas Marner. 519 00:28:18,047 --> 00:28:20,436 You will need a wedge of toast for decoration, 520 00:28:20,436 --> 00:28:25,078 a lump of Cinzano Bianco, of course, some Cointreau, 521 00:28:25,647 --> 00:28:30,038 and some photographs of Lech Walesa attached to cocktail sticks. 522 00:28:31,807 --> 00:28:35,561 And as I prepare a South Seas Genital Wart, I say, 523 00:28:35,561 --> 00:28:37,638 as I like to on these occasions, 524 00:28:37,638 --> 00:28:41,242 those six refreshing words that unlock the door 525 00:28:41,242 --> 00:28:43,397 to sophisticated evening happiness. 526 00:28:43,397 --> 00:28:45,125 I say, 527 00:28:45,125 --> 00:28:47,323 please, Mr Music, will you play? 528 00:29:37,887 --> 00:29:39,479 Soupy twist.