1
00:00:01,127 --> 00:00:03,561
…find some tissues in the drawer, there.

2
00:00:03,927 --> 00:00:09,638
Good evening and welcome to another packed
half-hour of misery and abject desperation,

3
00:00:10,327 --> 00:00:13,205
a catalogue of cynicism and emptiness,

4
00:00:13,205 --> 00:00:16,279
and a whole ottoman full of vapid excuses.

5
00:00:16,279 --> 00:00:18,198
-My colleague would like to add something.
-Ta.

6
00:00:18,198 --> 00:00:22,724
Yes. I'd just like to say a big hi to
historians of the future,
who may be looking at this show

7
00:00:22,724 --> 00:00:26,561
as part of a higher-education course
in the year 2010 entitled,

8
00:00:26,561 --> 00:00:29,320
“Britain:
Just What the Bloody Hell Went Wrong?”

9
00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:32,604
That's probably enough wandering
and talking to the camera for now.

10
00:00:32,604 --> 00:00:37,124
In the words of the Emperor Hadrian,
“Let's expose some
light-sensitive magnetic tape,

11
00:00:37,124 --> 00:00:38,401
“and let's do it now.”

12
00:00:38,401 --> 00:00:39,556
-My colleague.
-My colleague.

13
00:00:39,556 --> 00:00:40,921
After me.

14
00:00:46,127 --> 00:00:49,517
Between desire and reality.

15
00:00:49,967 --> 00:00:51,002
A bit.

16
00:00:51,407 --> 00:00:54,240
Between fact and breakfast,

17
00:00:55,007 --> 00:00:58,966
madness lies, lies, lies…

18
00:00:59,767 --> 00:01:00,916
A bit.

19
00:01:01,247 --> 00:01:04,364
I hate you, I hate you and yet…

20
00:01:05,047 --> 00:01:06,036
I hate you…

21
00:01:07,116 --> 00:01:10,677
As love, rage and aches of the ear.

22
00:01:16,847 --> 00:01:20,157
Pretension by Fry and Laurie.

23
00:01:28,927 --> 00:01:30,679
Thank you. Thank you very much.

24
00:01:32,647 --> 00:01:35,525
Stephen, here we are again.

25
00:01:35,525 --> 00:01:39,646
Hugh, to my knowledge, you've only three times
in your life spoken a truer word than that.

26
00:01:39,646 --> 00:01:43,117
Stephen, of course I can remember the first
two occasions, that goes without saying,

27
00:01:43,117 --> 00:01:44,560
but what was the third time?

28
00:01:44,560 --> 00:01:46,558
Well, you said,

29
00:01:46,558 --> 00:01:51,277
that the BBC's motoring programme Top Gear
had become “irritatingly facetious”.

30
00:01:51,847 --> 00:01:56,125
Ah, yes. Yes, I remember it well.
Paris, a crisp November morning.

31
00:01:56,125 --> 00:01:59,199
You wore grey, the Germans wore bleached denim.

32
00:01:59,607 --> 00:02:02,679
You said, and correct me if I'm over-sexed,
you said…

33
00:02:03,687 --> 00:02:06,759
You said, “Why can't they talk about
cars on Top Gear,

34
00:02:06,759 --> 00:02:09,407
-“instead of farting around, trying to be funny?”
-“Trying to be funny.”

35
00:02:09,407 --> 00:02:13,560
-Yes.
-I mean, you said, “People don't road-test

36
00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:16,525
“Nissan Micras on comedy programmes,

37
00:02:16,525 --> 00:02:19,838
-“so, why do they…”
-The latest offering from Nissan comes

38
00:02:19,838 --> 00:02:23,397
in either three, or five-door hatchback form,

39
00:02:23,397 --> 00:02:27,639
with a choice of the 1-litre or 1.3-litre
16-valve twin cam engine.

40
00:02:27,639 --> 00:02:32,005
Although the design is, overall,
quite satisfactory, there are
one or two irritating little niggles.

41
00:02:32,005 --> 00:02:35,875
For example, this boot lid
is awkward and quite heavy to lift.

42
00:02:35,875 --> 00:02:38,037
Imagine trying to heave the lifeless body

43
00:02:38,037 --> 00:02:40,925
of Kenneth Baker into that
on a wet Friday evening.

44
00:02:40,925 --> 00:02:42,838
Elsewhere,
the car is quite pleasingly designed…

45
00:02:42,838 --> 00:02:46,078
Well, time now to introduce some people
onto the show.

46
00:02:47,156 --> 00:02:50,478
First out of the guest box
is a woman who's variously been described as

47
00:02:50,478 --> 00:02:55,561
a woman, a risk-taker,
a deal-maker, a heart-breaker,

48
00:02:55,561 --> 00:02:58,957
a gravel-raker, a baker, a faker,

49
00:02:59,527 --> 00:03:04,521
three-quarters of an acre,
and an iron fist in an iron glove,

50
00:03:04,521 --> 00:03:07,326
with iron bits sticking out from the knuckles.

51
00:03:07,326 --> 00:03:12,401
Ladies and gentlemen,
please give some muted and barely
polite applause for Caroline Quentin.

52
00:03:23,887 --> 00:03:27,880
Although the controls are quite well laid out,

53
00:03:28,727 --> 00:03:32,197
they are often quite difficult
to read while driving at night,

54
00:03:32,487 --> 00:03:34,842
as is A Suitable Boy, by Vikram Seth.

55
00:03:37,047 --> 00:03:40,198
Caroline, it's tremendous to have you here.
Have you come far?

56
00:03:40,198 --> 00:03:42,118
Well, no. I was just over there.

57
00:03:42,118 --> 00:03:45,836
Oh. Oh, well, that's not too bad then,
'cause you used to live in Cairo, didn't you?

58
00:03:45,836 --> 00:03:48,157
-No.
-No. I see.

59
00:03:48,157 --> 00:03:49,839
It was a bit of a wild guess, actually.

60
00:03:49,839 --> 00:03:52,316
Mind you, it would've been creepy
if I'd been right, wouldn't it?

61
00:03:52,316 --> 00:03:53,556
-Yes.
-All right, okay.

62
00:03:53,556 --> 00:03:57,083
Well, why don't you take the weight off your
feet and transfer it onto your buttocks,

63
00:03:57,083 --> 00:04:01,718
while I introduce a man
who's variously been tipped

64
00:04:02,007 --> 00:04:04,840
for the post of Minister of the Interior
in the Republic of Chile

65
00:04:04,840 --> 00:04:06,883
until that unfortunate business
of the out-of-date

66
00:04:06,883 --> 00:04:10,516
weekend-away saver daybreak ticket
from Paddington to Reading.

67
00:04:10,516 --> 00:04:14,600
Ladies and gentlemen, would you please move
your hands repeatedly towards each other,

68
00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:18,999
until they make contact, releasing energy
in the form of sound, for Patrick Barlow.

69
00:04:27,727 --> 00:04:31,800
Another slightly annoying problem
is that the bonnet-release catch

70
00:04:32,647 --> 00:04:36,481
can get a little bit stiff
if it's not regularly greased,

71
00:04:37,007 --> 00:04:39,646
as can A Suitable Boy, by Vikram Seth.

72
00:04:40,407 --> 00:04:41,681
It's right here…

73
00:04:41,681 --> 00:04:43,917
Patrick. A great pleasure to have you here.

74
00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:47,363
-Well, Stephen, it's terrific to be here.
-Well, there's no need to lie.

75
00:04:47,363 --> 00:04:50,325
-No. No, I wasn't. I was just…
-Well, there's no need to go around sneering,

76
00:04:50,325 --> 00:04:53,080
-and telling snide, creepy little lies!
-Well, I…

77
00:04:53,487 --> 00:04:54,886
-I wasn't…
-Oh, shut up!

78
00:04:54,886 --> 00:04:57,606
Just shut the arse up will you?

79
00:04:58,007 --> 00:04:59,440
You! Points out of 10.

80
00:04:59,440 --> 00:05:01,836
Road-holding and economy, seven.

81
00:05:01,836 --> 00:05:05,516
Performance and styling, five.
Overall likeability, nil.

82
00:05:06,487 --> 00:05:10,082
Well, time now for an amusing little item
written by a colony of dragonflies

83
00:05:10,082 --> 00:05:11,566
from Devon in Exeter.

84
00:05:12,127 --> 00:05:14,800
You're a parent. You have children.

85
00:05:14,800 --> 00:05:18,323
You want those children to become
Premier League footballers.

86
00:05:18,527 --> 00:05:20,882
Well, this is the place for you.

87
00:05:21,167 --> 00:05:25,399
The Dave Wilson School in Ipswich,
in the heart of London's East End.

88
00:05:25,399 --> 00:05:27,796
Now, shake out, shake out.

89
00:05:27,796 --> 00:05:31,243
The name of Dave Wilson will be familiar
to anyone who knows it

90
00:05:31,243 --> 00:05:34,444
and to those who followed
the fortunes of Reading Town reserves

91
00:05:34,444 --> 00:05:36,995
during the dark days of the 1970s.

92
00:05:36,995 --> 00:05:41,922
Oh, yeah. They were dark.
They were… They were very, very dark days.

93
00:05:43,327 --> 00:05:45,921
I never actually thought they were dark,
but now that you mention it,

94
00:05:45,921 --> 00:05:47,440
they were ever so dark.

95
00:05:48,847 --> 00:05:51,600
Dave played in a total of two games
for the side

96
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:54,247
before a cartilage snapped in his head.

97
00:05:56,927 --> 00:05:58,042
Okay, next one…

98
00:05:58,042 --> 00:06:02,120
Following the accident,
Dave tried his hand at many things:

99
00:06:02,487 --> 00:06:06,526
astrologer, night-club owner,
interior designer, shadow home secretary.

100
00:06:06,526 --> 00:06:09,917
The jobs came and went,
but nothing seemed to stick.

101
00:06:10,127 --> 00:06:15,565
Until Dave turned up one day to watch his
nephew playing for the school side.

102
00:06:15,565 --> 00:06:18,679
Yeah, well, I saw a chance,
you know, to get involved.

103
00:06:18,927 --> 00:06:21,316
Uh, you know, football's been good to me, I…

104
00:06:21,316 --> 00:06:23,602
I saw a chance to put something
back into the game.

105
00:06:23,602 --> 00:06:25,678
Right, now. Listen!

106
00:06:26,487 --> 00:06:30,002
Okay, now. Football is a very simple game.
What is it?

107
00:06:30,002 --> 00:06:31,884
-A very simple game!
-Right.

108
00:06:31,884 --> 00:06:34,481
Now, what is the object
of the game of football?

109
00:06:34,481 --> 00:06:38,446
-To run into the box and fall over!
-Run into the box and fall over.

110
00:06:38,927 --> 00:06:42,476
Let's try that now.
One at a time. Ricky, off you go.

111
00:06:45,607 --> 00:06:49,486
What I'm really trying to do here
is to teach fundamental footballing skills

112
00:06:49,486 --> 00:06:50,886
at the earliest possible age.

113
00:06:50,886 --> 00:06:53,481
I've actually started teaching
my eight-month-old son.

114
00:06:53,481 --> 00:06:56,684
And, I've got to say, he's a natural.
Falls over like a diamond.

115
00:06:58,567 --> 00:07:02,480
Okay, listen. A lot of you,
as you go, are not getting your head back.

116
00:07:02,927 --> 00:07:04,042
Okay?

117
00:07:04,042 --> 00:07:07,045
Nice and loose in the neck.
As you get into the box, a lot of height.

118
00:07:07,045 --> 00:07:08,958
Goes like this, okay?

119
00:07:11,367 --> 00:07:13,961
You roll and roll. Okay?

120
00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:18,360
The same applies for the static fall.
Right, that's when you run into the box,

121
00:07:18,647 --> 00:07:21,115
you've forgotten to fall over
and you're just standing there, okay.

122
00:07:21,115 --> 00:07:23,596
Nice and loose in the neck, and…

123
00:07:26,327 --> 00:07:29,364
Okay, then. Limping.
Two lengths of the pitch. Go.

124
00:07:32,476 --> 00:07:35,326
Mr Wilson, found this in the changing room.
What is it?

125
00:07:35,326 --> 00:07:38,399
Never you mind what that is.
Right, you lot. Come here!

126
00:07:42,207 --> 00:07:43,720
Makes you sick, doesn't it?

127
00:07:43,720 --> 00:07:47,522
Right, listen.
I'm gonna say this once, and once only, okay?

128
00:07:48,327 --> 00:07:51,717
Martin has found this in the changing room.
Right?

129
00:07:51,717 --> 00:07:55,277
Now then, I don't want to see any of you
mucking around with these things, okay?

130
00:07:55,277 --> 00:07:59,519
Any one of you sees one of these, I want
you to tell me or Mr Collins immediately.
All right?

131
00:07:59,519 --> 00:08:02,360
You want to make it to the top? It's training.

132
00:08:02,360 --> 00:08:06,406
No one ever got on in football messing
around with these things. Right, off you go.

133
00:08:06,927 --> 00:08:08,440
This makes me sad.

134
00:08:12,687 --> 00:08:16,157
Yeah. You see, people just don't realise
how much training

135
00:08:16,157 --> 00:08:18,283
goes into being an estate agent.

136
00:08:18,283 --> 00:08:20,756
Uh… virtually none.

137
00:08:22,687 --> 00:08:25,997
I don't mind growing old.
It does have some disadvantages, I suppose.

138
00:08:25,997 --> 00:08:30,126
I can't stoop to weed the garden
so much as I used to be able to.

139
00:08:30,126 --> 00:08:33,005
And nor can I bend down
to take it from my husband.

140
00:08:34,447 --> 00:08:37,166
No, I think that Virginia Bottomley
is doing the best she can, you know.

141
00:08:37,166 --> 00:08:38,965
It's just a shame it's crap.

142
00:08:42,327 --> 00:08:43,726
Good morning.

143
00:08:44,127 --> 00:08:45,480
I beg your pardon?

144
00:08:46,887 --> 00:08:48,161
I said good morning.

145
00:08:49,887 --> 00:08:51,400
At last!

146
00:08:52,047 --> 00:08:54,925
-I'm sorry?
-After all these years!

147
00:08:55,367 --> 00:08:57,437
-What?
-Welcome, comrade. Welcome!

148
00:08:57,437 --> 00:08:59,563
Sit down, rest your weary elbows.

149
00:08:59,563 --> 00:09:02,798
You'll take a glass of vodka?
Mr Dalliard! Mr Dalliard!

150
00:09:02,798 --> 00:09:06,163
Break out the false passports
and the rabbit-skin hats.

151
00:09:06,163 --> 00:09:08,078
We are going to Moscow!

152
00:09:08,647 --> 00:09:09,921
Moscow?

153
00:09:09,921 --> 00:09:12,999
What news?
Comrade Stalin in rude health, I trust.

154
00:09:12,999 --> 00:09:14,315
Wait, wait, wait. Wait a minute.

155
00:09:14,567 --> 00:09:17,957
-All I said was good morning.
-Precisely. The code.

156
00:09:18,887 --> 00:09:21,640
-“The code”?
-It is now 27 summers

157
00:09:21,640 --> 00:09:24,958
since Comrade Melinsky stood
slightly to the left of where you are now

158
00:09:24,958 --> 00:09:29,245
and told me that, one day, a man would come
into the shop and give notice of his allegiance

159
00:09:29,245 --> 00:09:32,046
with the phrase “Good morning,”

160
00:09:32,046 --> 00:09:35,722
and that, on hearing those words,
Mr Dalliard and I were
to detonate our relatives

161
00:09:35,722 --> 00:09:37,001
and fly to Dover…

162
00:09:38,047 --> 00:09:39,036
“Fly to Dover”?

163
00:09:39,036 --> 00:09:41,880
…where a man named Smith
would see us safely onto a goods train

164
00:09:41,880 --> 00:09:43,685
delivering livestock to Minsk.

165
00:09:43,685 --> 00:09:45,883
No, no, no. Wait. Wait. Wait a minute.

166
00:09:45,883 --> 00:09:49,164
When I said, “Good morning,” all I meant was,
you know, good morning.

167
00:09:49,164 --> 00:09:50,316
Oh!

168
00:09:50,316 --> 00:09:52,477
That's all I meant.

169
00:09:52,477 --> 00:09:56,441
Ah. Oh, well, in that case,
please accept my green felt apologies.

170
00:09:56,927 --> 00:09:59,077
That's all right.
I just came in here to buy a model.

171
00:09:59,077 --> 00:10:00,805
-A model. A model.
-Yes. Yes.

172
00:10:00,805 --> 00:10:02,798
-A model?
-Yes.

173
00:10:03,927 --> 00:10:06,885
-A model?
-Yes, that's right. I want to buy a model.

174
00:10:06,885 --> 00:10:09,322
With or without plastic struts?

175
00:10:10,727 --> 00:10:13,799
Um, well, I don't know.
I just thought maybe a model aeroplane.

176
00:10:13,799 --> 00:10:14,876
Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.

177
00:10:14,876 --> 00:10:18,596
Let me ask a different question
in the same way. Who is this aeroplane for?

178
00:10:18,596 --> 00:10:20,405
It's for my son. It's his birthday.

179
00:10:20,405 --> 00:10:22,398
-Your son? Just your son?
-Yes. Yes.

180
00:10:22,398 --> 00:10:24,717
-Mmm-hmm. And when is this birthday of his?
-Wednesday.

181
00:10:24,717 --> 00:10:27,241
Yes. That's what I said. When is the day?

182
00:10:28,047 --> 00:10:29,560
No. Wednesday.

183
00:10:29,927 --> 00:10:32,236
Are you stupid or just plain deaf?

184
00:10:33,247 --> 00:10:37,240
-Wednesday.
-Oh! You are genuinely stupid. I do apologise.

185
00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:41,525
I'm sorry, I thought you were just
being deaf. Mr Dalliard, command
the earth to swallow me up.

186
00:10:41,525 --> 00:10:44,644
I do apologise, sir. Life must be hard enough

187
00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,957
for stupid people,
without tactless old bastards

188
00:10:46,957 --> 00:10:50,244
like that lady over there
rubbing it into your face with salt, widely.

189
00:10:50,244 --> 00:10:52,363
Mr Dalliard, I've gone peculiar now.

190
00:10:54,687 --> 00:10:57,121
So, in plain-flavoured English.

191
00:10:57,121 --> 00:10:59,926
When. Is. Your.

192
00:11:00,487 --> 00:11:02,523
Son's. Birthday.

193
00:11:03,607 --> 00:11:04,881
The day after Tuesday.

194
00:11:04,881 --> 00:11:08,118
The day after… My word, doctors are
so specific these days, aren't they?

195
00:11:08,118 --> 00:11:11,199
Are you expecting this boy
to be a boy or a girl?

196
00:11:12,767 --> 00:11:16,840
No, it's my son. He's nine.
This is going to be his 10th birthday.

197
00:11:16,840 --> 00:11:19,157
His 10th? Oh, sir, I feel you're spoiling him.

198
00:11:19,157 --> 00:11:20,566
I was only ever allowed one,

199
00:11:20,566 --> 00:11:22,126
on my birthday usually.

200
00:11:22,126 --> 00:11:24,482
Still, I guess that you know
your own business best.

201
00:11:24,482 --> 00:11:29,004
Just don't come bleating
to Mr Dalliard and me if this son of yours
turns out to be one of those

202
00:11:29,004 --> 00:11:31,396
drug jockeys
we're always reading about on television.

203
00:11:31,396 --> 00:11:32,761
Um, a glass of water?

204
00:11:32,761 --> 00:11:34,166
-No, thank you.
-A cup of water?

205
00:11:34,166 --> 00:11:35,316
-No.
-A plate of water, then?

206
00:11:35,316 --> 00:11:38,080
No, thank you. I just want a model aeroplane.

207
00:11:38,327 --> 00:11:40,477
-A model aeroplane of water?
-No, no.

208
00:11:41,247 --> 00:11:43,522
Forget the… I don't want any water.
Forget the water.

209
00:11:43,522 --> 00:11:44,960
I just want to buy a model aeroplane.

210
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:47,561
I thought, perhaps,
the Messerschmitt 109E in the window.

211
00:11:47,561 --> 00:11:49,638
-The Messerschmitt 109E in the window?
-That's right.

212
00:11:49,638 --> 00:11:51,046
Fizzy or still?

213
00:11:51,647 --> 00:11:53,285
-What?
-Ah.

214
00:11:53,285 --> 00:11:55,722
That doesn't count. I had my hand on my head.

215
00:11:55,722 --> 00:11:58,082
Just ignore anything I say
when my hand is on my head.

216
00:11:58,082 --> 00:11:59,316
Right.

217
00:11:59,316 --> 00:12:01,318
-So, the Messerschmitt 109E.
-Yes.

218
00:12:01,318 --> 00:12:03,762
-And I suppose some glue.
-Some glue?

219
00:12:03,762 --> 00:12:06,282
Then your son is already a drug jockey.

220
00:12:06,282 --> 00:12:09,006
Mr Dalliard and I warned you on bended legs.

221
00:12:09,006 --> 00:12:11,521
But would you listen? No. Now look at you.

222
00:12:11,521 --> 00:12:12,596
Hey, ho.

223
00:12:13,807 --> 00:12:14,876
What's this?

224
00:12:14,876 --> 00:12:18,755
A Messerschmitt 109E and a fix
for that degenerate junkie son of yours.

225
00:12:18,755 --> 00:12:20,803
Well, it's already done.

226
00:12:20,803 --> 00:12:22,559
-So?
-Well, the model's ready-assembled.

227
00:12:22,559 --> 00:12:25,923
Well, you can't expect us
to do all the work ourselves, sir.

228
00:12:25,923 --> 00:12:28,999
The whole joy of modelling lies
in carefully scraping off the paint,

229
00:12:28,999 --> 00:12:32,682
soaking off the transfers,
taking the plane apart, piece by piece,

230
00:12:32,682 --> 00:12:36,601
putting each piece into a small polythene bag,
which is then sealed and placed inside the box.

231
00:12:36,601 --> 00:12:38,564
An achievement, something to be proud of.

232
00:12:38,564 --> 00:12:41,605
Rare words, indeed, in these days
of supersonic hedgehog brothers

233
00:12:41,605 --> 00:12:43,405
and ready-sliced golf shots.

234
00:12:44,287 --> 00:12:46,642
That's it. Just forget it, forget it.
I'll try somewhere else.

235
00:12:46,642 --> 00:12:50,163
Mr Dalliard has a gun trained on you through
the curtain, sir. At a single word from me,

236
00:12:50,163 --> 00:12:51,726
he will blow your head clean off

237
00:12:51,726 --> 00:12:55,482
with as much mercy as if you were
a helpless seal pup called Arnold.

238
00:12:55,887 --> 00:12:57,081
What?

239
00:13:00,087 --> 00:13:03,602
I'm so sorry we couldn't help you, sir.
We do try to accommodate our customers,

240
00:13:03,602 --> 00:13:06,599
but not being a hotel,
we find it almost impossible.

241
00:13:08,047 --> 00:13:11,244
Right. Well, all I can say is
this has not been a very good morning.

242
00:13:11,244 --> 00:13:13,966
“Good morning”? Mr Dalliard! Mr Dalliard!

243
00:13:13,966 --> 00:13:17,483
We've been activated after all these years!

244
00:13:20,487 --> 00:13:22,045
Strange man.

245
00:13:24,927 --> 00:13:26,883
Ladies and gentleman,
some of you may be thinking,

246
00:13:26,883 --> 00:13:28,878
you know, “Hello, they've got
these guests on the show,

247
00:13:28,878 --> 00:13:30,764
“but the guests don't seem to do very much.”

248
00:13:30,764 --> 00:13:35,398
You know, “The tall one and his
slightly less tall, less-talented friend
seem to have hogged it all.”

249
00:13:35,398 --> 00:13:37,443
Uh, well, that's not actually…

250
00:13:37,443 --> 00:13:39,802
That's not actually true,
because how many people

251
00:13:39,802 --> 00:13:42,685
watching now and here in
the studio tonight actually noticed

252
00:13:42,685 --> 00:13:45,600
that Patrick here was in that last sketch.
Anybody?

253
00:13:46,247 --> 00:13:51,196
Anybody notice that? Well, that's interesting
because actually Patrick, in that last sketch,

254
00:13:51,196 --> 00:13:53,721
played the part of my colleague, Stephen Fry.

255
00:13:55,447 --> 00:13:58,007
Now, you see, Patrick, looking at that,
it is absolutely amazing.

256
00:13:58,007 --> 00:13:59,679
You know, it's hard to believe
it's the same person.

257
00:13:59,679 --> 00:14:01,485
Did you do a lot of work for the role?

258
00:14:01,485 --> 00:14:06,960
Oh, I did, yeah, I mean, I basically devoured
all the source material I could find.

259
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:08,275
Right, right.

260
00:14:08,275 --> 00:14:11,564
I'm just thinking, in case we've got
any viewers from planet Earth,

261
00:14:11,564 --> 00:14:14,002
it would be quite nice if you put
that into a known language.

262
00:14:14,002 --> 00:14:15,645
“You devoured all the…”

263
00:14:16,127 --> 00:14:18,721
Well, basically,
I read everything I could find…

264
00:14:18,721 --> 00:14:22,004
-You read a lot. Right.
-…on Stephen and his school years,

265
00:14:22,004 --> 00:14:24,157
-his biography, his novel.
-You read his novel?

266
00:14:24,367 --> 00:14:25,402
-Yeah.
-Did you finish it?

267
00:14:25,402 --> 00:14:27,364
-I didn't, actually.
-No, I didn't either.

268
00:14:28,167 --> 00:14:32,001
And then I started to concentrate on the walk.

269
00:14:32,001 --> 00:14:33,202
Mmm.

270
00:14:33,202 --> 00:14:35,960
Although, in actual fact, you were
standing still all the way through that.

271
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:40,677
Uh, yes. Yes, I was. But you've got to be able
to walk before you can stand.

272
00:14:43,167 --> 00:14:46,443
Right, fascinating.
Well, Caroline, I don't want to leave you out.

273
00:14:46,443 --> 00:14:48,040
I suppose some people may be thinking now,

274
00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:49,845
“Hello, I suppose Caroline
played the part of Hugh Laurie.”

275
00:14:49,845 --> 00:14:51,076
But that's not actually true, is it?

276
00:14:51,076 --> 00:14:53,237
No, no. I played the wall behind your head.

277
00:14:53,237 --> 00:14:54,965
-Right, I think you can see that now.
-Yeah.

278
00:14:54,965 --> 00:14:59,279
There you are. Caroline, did you have to spend
a lot of time in makeup for that? Was that a…

279
00:14:59,279 --> 00:15:01,562
-No, no, about 20 minutes, that's all…
-Is that all?

280
00:15:01,562 --> 00:15:04,366
Yeah, a couple of coats of primer
and an eggshell top coat, and I was ready.

281
00:15:04,366 --> 00:15:07,439
-Yeah. No coving?
-We did talk about it,

282
00:15:07,439 --> 00:15:09,757
but I didn't think my wall would have coving.

283
00:15:09,757 --> 00:15:10,996
Yeah, right. Well…

284
00:15:10,996 --> 00:15:15,160
Well, Caroline, not a very demanding role,
I suppose, having to play the wall,

285
00:15:15,160 --> 00:15:17,442
but here's something that people
won't have noticed,

286
00:15:17,442 --> 00:15:21,884
and that is that, at this actual moment,
Caroline is actually playing me.

287
00:15:22,927 --> 00:15:28,718
Yes, that's right.
Underneath all this makeup, it's actually me,
Hugh Laurie, sitting right here.

288
00:15:29,007 --> 00:15:30,679
Tricks of the trade there. Anyway.

289
00:15:30,679 --> 00:15:34,840
Now, on with the meaningless slaughter
of migrating birds.

290
00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:43,041
♫ Standing on a bus
We packed shoulder to shoulder

291
00:15:43,041 --> 00:15:45,641
♫ With strangers in my face
I can feel it getting colder

292
00:15:45,641 --> 00:15:47,797
♫ Bus doors open
Nobody get out

293
00:15:47,797 --> 00:15:50,481
♫ Look here, a little old woman
Getting on, I start to shout

294
00:15:50,481 --> 00:15:52,637
♫ Say, get up, stand up
Up on your feet

295
00:15:52,637 --> 00:15:54,957
♫ Make space for the lady
Somebody give a seat

296
00:15:54,957 --> 00:15:57,436
♫ She's just standing there aching
Her whole body shaking

297
00:15:57,436 --> 00:15:59,836
♫ She's starting to fall over
This time she ain't faking it

298
00:15:59,836 --> 00:16:02,282
♫ But what? Nobody move
Don't hear a word I say

299
00:16:02,282 --> 00:16:04,722
♫ So I take a deep breath
This time I get my way

300
00:16:04,722 --> 00:16:07,480
♫ Say, please, don't make me say it twice

301
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:09,523
♫ 'Cause I'll get you as mad as hell
Let's try to be nice

302
00:16:09,523 --> 00:16:10,756
♫ Be nice

303
00:16:12,087 --> 00:16:13,679
♫ Be nice

304
00:16:13,679 --> 00:16:16,998
♫ 'Cause I'm a good-ass mother-liker

305
00:16:21,847 --> 00:16:23,997
♫ Get home to my bitch
She been waiting all alone

306
00:16:23,997 --> 00:16:26,601
♫ I put water in a bowl
And I give her a bone

307
00:16:26,601 --> 00:16:29,002
♫ Neighbours come calling
Holding out a cup

308
00:16:29,002 --> 00:16:31,555
♫ So I get out the sugar
And I fill it right up

309
00:16:31,555 --> 00:16:32,841
♫ Be nice

310
00:16:33,807 --> 00:16:35,160
♫ Be nice

311
00:16:35,527 --> 00:16:38,837
♫ 'Cause I'm a good-ass mother-liker ♫

312
00:16:48,087 --> 00:16:49,884
No, it was the damnedest thing.

313
00:16:49,884 --> 00:16:53,596
I was in this hardware store
about three weeks ago,

314
00:16:53,596 --> 00:16:56,838
buying a 30-gallon drum of car wax
for my daughter-in-law,

315
00:16:56,838 --> 00:16:58,446
when, suddenly, the door burst open

316
00:16:58,446 --> 00:17:01,963
and 30 coppers came lumbering in,
arrested everyone.

317
00:17:02,327 --> 00:17:04,477
Turned out the place was a brothel.

318
00:17:05,207 --> 00:17:07,516
Well, they've closed
all the brothels around us.

319
00:17:07,516 --> 00:17:09,916
All bloody bingo halls now.

320
00:17:10,647 --> 00:17:13,923
If you've got a jar of marmalade
in a cupboard, right?

321
00:17:13,923 --> 00:17:17,317
And you take the marmalade
out of the cupboard, right?

322
00:17:17,317 --> 00:17:19,159
You've still got the marmalade, yeah?

323
00:17:19,159 --> 00:17:21,556
It's not in the cupboard,
but you've got the marmalade.

324
00:17:21,556 --> 00:17:23,683
You've got to put the marmalade
somewhere else, haven't you?

325
00:17:23,683 --> 00:17:25,883
Of course you have, it stands to reason.

326
00:17:25,883 --> 00:17:28,959
There's the cupboard, no marmalade,
but you've still got the marmalade.

327
00:17:28,959 --> 00:17:31,117
It's the same with
sex and violence on television.

328
00:17:31,117 --> 00:17:35,120
Yeah, you can take sex and violence off
television, but where you gonna put 'em?

329
00:17:35,487 --> 00:17:37,239
Hmm? Tell me that.

330
00:17:37,727 --> 00:17:41,322
Yes, I've had two letters read out
on Points Of View now.

331
00:17:41,647 --> 00:17:44,844
Rather proud of that.
They say that if you can get three read out,

332
00:17:44,844 --> 00:17:48,158
you're automatically sectioned
under the Mental Health Act.

333
00:17:50,727 --> 00:17:54,800
Hello. If you're anything like me, then you
probably wash your hair quite often.

334
00:17:54,800 --> 00:17:59,278
And you probably use a shampoo.
You're pretty tall, you're called Stephen,

335
00:17:59,278 --> 00:18:01,323
and you haven't got much time for gardening.

336
00:18:01,323 --> 00:18:04,205
Well, I may just have
the answer for you, Stephen.

337
00:18:04,205 --> 00:18:08,838
It came to me yesterday… Oh, tell a pointless,
transparent lie, the day before yesterday,

338
00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:11,999
when I was standing here,
bent over the wash-hair basin.

339
00:18:12,327 --> 00:18:16,400
Here's a thing, I thought, that we do a couple
of times a week, which utilises

340
00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:21,003
the very same key nutrients and minerals
that any gardener will tell you are essential

341
00:18:21,003 --> 00:18:22,645
for healthy plants and gums.

342
00:18:22,645 --> 00:18:26,242
So, Stephen, I've come up
with this new five-minute addition

343
00:18:26,242 --> 00:18:28,716
to my hair grooming and
facial scrub programme

344
00:18:28,716 --> 00:18:33,085
Now, if you're anything like me, you'll
probably like to rinse after your second wash,

345
00:18:33,085 --> 00:18:38,036
and you'll have a friend called Hugh who plays
with an Etch A Sketch in your airing cupboard.

346
00:18:38,036 --> 00:18:42,439
Hugh, come on out and help me explain
my new breakthrough in hair.

347
00:18:42,439 --> 00:18:45,087
-Righto.
-I was just telling the viewing several there

348
00:18:45,087 --> 00:18:47,681
that after the second wash,
I like to have a thorough rinse.

349
00:18:47,681 --> 00:18:50,605
-No harm in that, if it's done sensibly.
-My point exactly.

350
00:18:50,605 --> 00:18:54,362
Now, it's at this very stage
when my new development comes in.

351
00:18:54,362 --> 00:18:56,483
Here, in my freshly-watered,

352
00:18:56,483 --> 00:18:59,479
protein-enriched hair are the ideal conditions,

353
00:18:59,687 --> 00:19:03,123
neutral-balanced pH-active liposomes
and gentle cleansing agents,

354
00:19:03,123 --> 00:19:05,767
for a small, but attractive, town garden.

355
00:19:05,767 --> 00:19:08,082
Hugh, what have you decided to sow?

356
00:19:08,082 --> 00:19:12,001
Well, I've gone for a mix of dog roses,
begonias and clematis.

357
00:19:12,001 --> 00:19:14,317
-No vegetables?
-Well, I thought I might do one or two potatoes

358
00:19:14,317 --> 00:19:15,442
just behind the crown there.

359
00:19:15,442 --> 00:19:18,837
-Uh-huh. So a general utility garden?
-Pretty much, yes.

360
00:19:18,837 --> 00:19:20,076
All right.

361
00:19:20,076 --> 00:19:25,082
Now it's time for me to put my Pifco Tressmatic
onto its lowest setting

362
00:19:25,082 --> 00:19:27,237
and let nature do the work.

363
00:19:30,527 --> 00:19:33,963
Well, let's see how it's fared, shall we?

364
00:19:35,927 --> 00:19:38,043
Oh, I think that's come out rather well.

365
00:19:38,043 --> 00:19:39,958
Simple, cheap, effective.

366
00:19:40,447 --> 00:19:43,439
Well done, Hugh, my “head” gardener.

367
00:19:44,247 --> 00:19:45,646
That's amusing.

368
00:19:45,847 --> 00:19:48,361
Of course, your own hair-garden

369
00:19:48,361 --> 00:19:51,086
needn't be confined
to this limited range of plants.

370
00:19:51,086 --> 00:19:52,885
The sky is very much the limit.

371
00:19:52,885 --> 00:19:55,959
Climbing wisterias, alpines,
runner beans, you name it.

372
00:19:55,959 --> 00:19:57,639
And if you have dandruff problems,

373
00:19:57,639 --> 00:20:01,606
you might consider the virtues of
a traditional Japanese snow garden.

374
00:20:01,606 --> 00:20:04,076
If you're like me,
you'll be keen to experiment,

375
00:20:04,076 --> 00:20:07,523
and you'll enjoy wearing Lycra one-pieces,
alone, in your bedroom.

376
00:20:09,247 --> 00:20:12,683
-Stephen, what are you doing?
-Hugh, I'm south-facing.

377
00:20:13,807 --> 00:20:17,322
-Well, back to the airing cupboard with me.
-See you next wash day.

378
00:20:17,322 --> 00:20:18,760
-Bye-bye.
-Bye-bye.

379
00:20:32,127 --> 00:20:35,119
Between imagination and desire,

380
00:20:35,119 --> 00:20:37,198
between reality and ambition,

381
00:20:37,198 --> 00:20:39,642
between what is known and what is feared,

382
00:20:39,642 --> 00:20:43,845
between purpose and despair,
between sense and shite,

383
00:20:44,047 --> 00:20:47,119
between the visible world and the inner world

384
00:20:47,119 --> 00:20:51,724
that straddles the curtain between what we know
and what we think we suspect,

385
00:20:51,724 --> 00:20:53,485
hangs a dark veil

386
00:20:53,485 --> 00:20:56,161
that waves gently between the beckoning finger,

387
00:20:56,161 --> 00:20:58,602
drawing us into the world of what could be

388
00:20:58,602 --> 00:21:01,440
and what never couldn't be impossible to dread.

389
00:21:01,727 --> 00:21:03,365
Or do they?

390
00:21:03,647 --> 00:21:06,844
Perhaps it isn't. Maybe we were only dreaming.

391
00:21:07,047 --> 00:21:10,039
Perhaps the answers could be found
in that other realm

392
00:21:10,039 --> 00:21:12,277
that lies between the foundry of the heart

393
00:21:12,277 --> 00:21:14,323
and the sweating laundry room
of the imagination,

394
00:21:14,323 --> 00:21:17,558
where the only rhythms are the smiles
of the forgotten winter

395
00:21:17,558 --> 00:21:22,926
and the incessant beating of the
frightened human thigh that we call fear.

396
00:21:22,926 --> 00:21:24,645
Or is it?

397
00:21:24,645 --> 00:21:29,437
I'm Gelliant Gutfright,
and tonight's tale must give us pause.

398
00:21:29,437 --> 00:21:32,559
It is called “Flowers for Wendy,”

399
00:21:32,559 --> 00:21:37,277
but might it rather have been called
“You Have Been Warned”?

400
00:21:37,277 --> 00:21:39,198
No, it might not.

401
00:21:43,847 --> 00:21:46,600
Andrew Beckett is on his way home
from work.

402
00:21:46,600 --> 00:21:51,317
A nice young man is Andrew Beckett,
a kind word for everyone,
and everyone for a kind word,

403
00:21:51,317 --> 00:21:54,126
liked by all who come into contact with him.

404
00:21:54,126 --> 00:21:57,165
Another hard day's work,
another quiet evening in,

405
00:21:57,165 --> 00:21:59,522
perhaps a little television, a crossword,

406
00:21:59,522 --> 00:22:04,556
maybe he'll finally get round
to cataloguing those… Wait.

407
00:22:04,556 --> 00:22:09,402
What is he thinking of?
Not just another evening.
After all, it's Wendy's birthday.

408
00:22:09,402 --> 00:22:12,524
Dinner at Mario's, but first he should…

409
00:22:13,087 --> 00:22:16,079
Strange, he's never noticed
that flower-seller before,

410
00:22:16,079 --> 00:22:19,637
yet he comes home this route everyday.
Providential.

411
00:22:19,637 --> 00:22:21,718
Good evening, Mr Beckett.

412
00:22:22,167 --> 00:22:23,520
Well, that's extraordinary.

413
00:22:23,520 --> 00:22:26,758
How could you possibly have known that
it was evening? You aren't wearing a watch.

414
00:22:26,758 --> 00:22:28,883
I know most things, Mr Beckett.

415
00:22:28,883 --> 00:22:31,879
How about buying some flowers
for your wife's birthday?

416
00:22:31,879 --> 00:22:35,437
But this is uncanny.
That's exactly what I want.
How could you possibly have known?

417
00:22:35,437 --> 00:22:39,964
How about some roses, Mr Beckett?
All the ladies love a rose.

418
00:22:39,964 --> 00:22:42,242
-Well, now, what are these?
-Ah.

419
00:22:42,242 --> 00:22:46,280
Don't want to bother with those, sir.
They are special blooms.

420
00:22:46,280 --> 00:22:49,598
-They're rather splendid. What are they called?
-Ranunculus pugnans.

421
00:22:49,598 --> 00:22:50,842
Ranun… what?

422
00:22:50,842 --> 00:22:55,239
Commonly known as
“Old Man's Wrinkles”, sir, or…

423
00:22:55,756 --> 00:22:57,562
…“the Fighting Buttercup”.

424
00:22:57,562 --> 00:22:59,365
I must say, the smell is very…

425
00:22:59,365 --> 00:23:03,235
-It didn't get that name by accident, Mr Beckett.
-What name?

426
00:23:03,487 --> 00:23:04,966
Fighting Buttercup.

427
00:23:04,966 --> 00:23:11,486
They say that the bouquet of this bloom
can bring out all the anger in a person.

428
00:23:11,486 --> 00:23:14,127
-Well, what nonsense.
-That's what they say, sir.

429
00:23:14,127 --> 00:23:16,675
-Superstitious hooey.
-No doubt about it, sir.

430
00:23:16,675 --> 00:23:18,598
-Arse clap.
-As you say, sir.

431
00:23:18,598 --> 00:23:20,325
Rhino bollocks.

432
00:23:20,527 --> 00:23:23,246
-How much are they?
-Five pounds, sir. But I must…

433
00:23:30,207 --> 00:23:31,845
Oh, get out of it.

434
00:23:32,767 --> 00:23:35,122
Poor Andrew, poor Wendy.

435
00:23:35,122 --> 00:23:38,597
A kind thought for a birthday
and a simple bunch of flowers.

436
00:23:38,597 --> 00:23:43,124
But when your life is a perilous yo-yo
eaten by destiny's right hand,

437
00:23:43,124 --> 00:23:45,084
when fate lights the cigarette,

438
00:23:45,084 --> 00:23:48,000
when chance plays the trumpet not very well,

439
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:51,238
and hazard deals the cards
from the bottom of your aunt…

440
00:23:51,238 --> 00:23:52,521
Oh, come on!

441
00:23:52,521 --> 00:23:55,758
…then you must expect the unexpected.

442
00:23:59,047 --> 00:24:02,517
-Andrew, what…
-Jesus, suffering arse, this bloody door!

443
00:24:02,517 --> 00:24:04,563
-I don't understand!
-Don't understand?

444
00:24:04,563 --> 00:24:07,320
Don't understand what,
you hopeless saucer of puss?

445
00:24:07,320 --> 00:24:10,558
It's a frig-mothering door
and it keeps getting vomiting stuck!

446
00:24:10,558 --> 00:24:12,842
That's all there is to understand!
It's not differential calculus!

447
00:24:12,842 --> 00:24:13,996
Andrew!

448
00:24:13,996 --> 00:24:14,746
Ow!

449
00:24:16,287 --> 00:24:20,565
Now look what you've done, you pointless tart.
You've broken the snotting banister.

450
00:24:20,565 --> 00:24:22,478
Andrew, what's wrong?

451
00:24:22,478 --> 00:24:26,116
I'm gonna get a drink.
Happy birthday, you saggy old bitch.

452
00:24:26,487 --> 00:24:27,920
Oh, thank you.

453
00:24:28,407 --> 00:24:29,886
They're lovely

454
00:24:29,886 --> 00:24:31,605
and they smell…

455
00:24:32,961 --> 00:24:34,958
…gorgeous.

456
00:24:35,767 --> 00:24:39,965
Oh, come on, open,
you scrotum-ing dribble of faeces!

457
00:24:40,287 --> 00:24:42,243
That's better.

458
00:24:45,567 --> 00:24:47,285
Ah, that's much better.

459
00:24:49,207 --> 00:24:51,323
After all, it's only a door.

460
00:24:51,727 --> 00:24:54,685
It's not the end of the world.
Nothing to get annoyed about.

461
00:24:58,007 --> 00:24:59,406
-What the…
-Sorry.

462
00:24:59,406 --> 00:25:01,205
-“Sorry”?
-Yes.

463
00:25:01,487 --> 00:25:05,526
Sorry I didn't hit you with a sock
full of gravel, you flabby,
drivelling waste of clothes.

464
00:25:05,526 --> 00:25:07,245
-Wendy, darling.
-“Wendy, darling”?

465
00:25:07,245 --> 00:25:10,364
I'll darling your arse with
a rusty lawn sprinkler.

466
00:25:12,687 --> 00:25:15,042
-What… What's happened?
-“Happened”?

467
00:25:15,042 --> 00:25:17,595
Nothing's happened that
a Swiss Army penknife can't sort out.

468
00:25:17,595 --> 00:25:21,521
Now why don't you take
these bottom-wipingly ugly flowers

469
00:25:21,521 --> 00:25:24,246
and stick them into your lungs!

470
00:25:25,407 --> 00:25:28,717
The flowers! Of course. Listen, Wendy.

471
00:25:29,127 --> 00:25:31,721
I think I know what's happened,
what this is all about.

472
00:25:31,721 --> 00:25:32,796
You see…

473
00:25:32,796 --> 00:25:34,718
And so, Wendy Beckett

474
00:25:34,718 --> 00:25:37,799
sat at her husband's knees
and listened to a story,

475
00:25:37,799 --> 00:25:43,166
a fantastic story, a tale that danced
along the crumbling brim of credibility,

476
00:25:43,166 --> 00:25:45,044
yet never once lost its footing.

477
00:25:45,044 --> 00:25:48,005
A tale of walking home, and pavements,

478
00:25:48,005 --> 00:25:50,920
and forgettings of birthdays, and rememberings,

479
00:25:50,920 --> 00:25:52,884
and wantings to buy flowerings,

480
00:25:52,884 --> 00:25:56,880
and discoverings of a flower stalling
just at the right momentings.

481
00:25:56,880 --> 00:26:02,758
And when he had finished,
Andrew Beckett took his wife's face
in his lovely, young hands…

482
00:26:03,207 --> 00:26:06,199
Now, Wendy, do you see?
Do you understand what's happened?

483
00:26:06,199 --> 00:26:11,202
-Oh, Andrew, I feel such a fool.
-Well, Wendy, I think we've both been a little mad.

484
00:26:11,202 --> 00:26:14,438
But what matters now is the future. It's us.

485
00:26:14,727 --> 00:26:16,922
-Oh, Andy.
-Oh, Wendy.

486
00:26:19,767 --> 00:26:22,361
A happy ending, you may think,

487
00:26:22,361 --> 00:26:25,644
loose ends tied up, the books balanced.

488
00:26:25,644 --> 00:26:28,195
And yet… And yet.

489
00:26:28,195 --> 00:26:32,121
What of our friend, the blind flower-seller?

490
00:26:32,647 --> 00:26:35,286
Old Man's Wrinkle, madam,

491
00:26:35,286 --> 00:26:38,279
or the Fighting Buttercup.

492
00:26:38,279 --> 00:26:41,683
They say that the bouquet of this bloom

493
00:26:41,683 --> 00:26:44,725
brings out all the anger in a person.

494
00:26:44,725 --> 00:26:48,402
-Really?
-And when they've done that for a bit,

495
00:26:48,767 --> 00:26:50,246
they explode.

496
00:26:51,887 --> 00:26:55,482
-How much?
-To you, madam, nothing.

497
00:26:55,807 --> 00:26:57,877
Ooh, thank you very much.

498
00:27:10,207 --> 00:27:11,526
Good night,

499
00:27:11,526 --> 00:27:12,881
if you can.

500
00:27:24,847 --> 00:27:28,157
Well, we come now to that part of the show

501
00:27:28,157 --> 00:27:33,162
where I say,
“Well, we come now to that part of the show”.

502
00:27:33,162 --> 00:27:35,477
Oh, get on with it.

503
00:27:46,927 --> 00:27:48,280
Have you chosen your cocktail, Caroline?

504
00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:51,279
Yes, I'll have A Quick One With You,
Stephen, please.

505
00:27:51,279 --> 00:27:54,444
A Quick One With You, Stephen, it will be.
For you, Patrick?

506
00:27:54,444 --> 00:27:56,165
Could I just have a glass of water, Stephen?

507
00:27:57,236 --> 00:28:01,036
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm afraid the answer is,
“No, you can't.” I do apologise.

508
00:28:01,036 --> 00:28:03,203
You can have A Quick One With You, Stephen.

509
00:28:03,203 --> 00:28:06,518
A Quick One With You, Stephen.
Now you may be making this at home,

510
00:28:06,518 --> 00:28:09,917
in which case, what you'll need is
a measure of gin,

511
00:28:10,527 --> 00:28:12,324
two measures of gin,

512
00:28:13,127 --> 00:28:14,560
one of gin,

513
00:28:15,327 --> 00:28:16,965
a measure of gin,

514
00:28:17,407 --> 00:28:21,685
an item of clothing worn by any member
of the cast of Two Point Four Children.

515
00:28:22,007 --> 00:28:26,637
In this case, I'm using a pair of Gary Olsen's
Fruit of the Loom Y-pants

516
00:28:27,927 --> 00:28:30,521
and a measure of gin.

517
00:28:31,967 --> 00:28:34,720
And now, into the cocktail shaker of my mouth,

518
00:28:35,367 --> 00:28:38,120
I throw these six magnificent words,

519
00:28:38,727 --> 00:28:42,640
you, please, Music, Mr, will, play.

520
00:28:43,167 --> 00:28:44,998
I give a brief shake

521
00:28:46,447 --> 00:28:48,961
and I pour out this golden phrase,

522
00:28:49,247 --> 00:28:51,966
“Please, Mr Music, will you play?”

523
00:29:43,167 --> 00:29:44,725
Soupy twist.