1 00:00:00,847 --> 00:00:05,841 Hello, I'm Oprah Winfrey, and I'd like you to meet someone. 2 00:00:05,841 --> 00:00:08,566 Please say hello to Luella de la Tweeb. 3 00:00:09,207 --> 00:00:10,276 Hi. 4 00:00:11,807 --> 00:00:12,956 Tell us about yourself. 5 00:00:12,956 --> 00:00:16,835 Well, my name is Luella. I'm 37 years of age. 6 00:00:17,167 --> 00:00:21,763 I'm beautiful, I'm intelligent, I'm glamorous, I'm attractive, 7 00:00:21,763 --> 00:00:24,037 I'm warm, I'm sensitive, I'm caring, 8 00:00:24,687 --> 00:00:26,439 I'm rich, I'm sexy. 9 00:00:26,439 --> 00:00:30,276 I'm incredibly talented. 10 00:00:30,887 --> 00:00:33,640 So, what exactly is your problem, Luella? 11 00:00:33,640 --> 00:00:35,797 I suffer from low self-esteem. 12 00:00:36,767 --> 00:00:37,802 Mmm. 13 00:00:37,802 --> 00:00:40,640 That's an absolute bugger, isn't it? 14 00:00:41,287 --> 00:00:42,959 And how does that manifest itself? 15 00:00:42,959 --> 00:00:46,039 Well, I used to love myself, I used to think that I was great. 16 00:00:46,039 --> 00:00:49,358 Oh, don't tell me you stopped thinking you were great, that would be heart-breaking. 17 00:00:50,247 --> 00:00:52,317 Well, I stopped talking to myself, 18 00:00:52,317 --> 00:00:56,798 I stopped seeing myself for what I really am. I guess I started to take myself for granted. 19 00:00:56,798 --> 00:00:59,276 Let's have a pointless round of applause there, can we? 20 00:01:04,967 --> 00:01:07,435 So… Thank you. All right. 21 00:01:07,435 --> 00:01:11,156 So, Luella, what did you do next? 22 00:01:11,487 --> 00:01:13,398 -Well, I confronted myself. -Mmm-hmm. 23 00:01:13,398 --> 00:01:17,321 You know, I waited until I got home one day and I confronted myself. 24 00:01:17,321 --> 00:01:19,602 I said, “Hey, lady, what are you doing?” 25 00:01:19,602 --> 00:01:22,406 -You know. -How unbearably tense. 26 00:01:22,406 --> 00:01:24,239 And how did you respond? 27 00:01:24,239 --> 00:01:29,117 Well, you know, I started to shift around, I started blaming all kinds of other things, 28 00:01:29,117 --> 00:01:32,518 but in the end, you know, I had to admit that, yes, I was sleeping with someone else. 29 00:01:34,447 --> 00:01:37,723 I don't think I've ever been more emotionally knotted up than I am at the moment. 30 00:01:38,447 --> 00:01:39,675 Ask a question. 31 00:01:39,675 --> 00:01:41,723 Oh, who, me? Oh! 32 00:01:41,723 --> 00:01:45,083 I'd just like to ask Luella where she gets her strength from. 33 00:01:45,083 --> 00:01:49,843 Luella, lady here wants to know where the mascaraed arse you get your strength from. 34 00:01:50,087 --> 00:01:53,045 -Well, now, can I answer that with a question? -Can she? 35 00:01:53,045 --> 00:01:54,765 -Oh, I'd like that. -She'd like that. 36 00:01:54,765 --> 00:01:59,443 Right, well, I want you to do something for me. I want you to stand in front of a mirror, okay? 37 00:01:59,443 --> 00:02:00,596 Take all your clothes off… 38 00:02:01,676 --> 00:02:05,077 No, hey, look, I'm serious. It's what I did. 39 00:02:05,077 --> 00:02:08,961 You know, I stood naked in front of a mirror and I looked at myself, and I said, 40 00:02:08,961 --> 00:02:10,400 “I love me. 41 00:02:10,400 --> 00:02:14,241 “I love me for what I am. I love my whining aggression,” you know. 42 00:02:14,241 --> 00:02:17,125 “I love my hideous, suffocating self-pity, 43 00:02:17,125 --> 00:02:20,005 “I love the fact that I'm a neurotic and that I demand the world's respect 44 00:02:20,005 --> 00:02:22,043 “without having to do a single thing to earn it. I'm me. 45 00:02:22,043 --> 00:02:25,039 “I'm special, I'm crazy about the way I am.” Now, would you do that for me? 46 00:02:25,039 --> 00:02:26,765 I surely will. 47 00:02:27,447 --> 00:02:30,245 Right, well, I think we'd better take a vomit break now, but don't go away. 48 00:02:35,647 --> 00:02:38,559 Between desire and reality. 49 00:02:39,447 --> 00:02:40,596 A bit. 50 00:02:40,887 --> 00:02:43,959 Between fact and breakfast, 51 00:02:44,327 --> 00:02:49,037 madness lies, lies, lies… 52 00:02:49,327 --> 00:02:50,555 A bit. 53 00:02:50,555 --> 00:02:54,117 I hate you, I hate you and yet… 54 00:02:54,367 --> 00:02:55,436 I hate you… 55 00:02:56,636 --> 00:03:00,879 As love, rage and aches of the ear. 56 00:03:06,167 --> 00:03:09,523 Pretension by Fry and Laurie. 57 00:03:12,607 --> 00:03:13,722 Thank you. 58 00:03:15,367 --> 00:03:16,959 Ladies and gentlemen, 59 00:03:16,959 --> 00:03:20,483 a broad, wet kiss of a welcome, with tongues, obviously, 60 00:03:20,687 --> 00:03:23,884 to this edition of A Bit of Fry and Laurie. 61 00:03:23,884 --> 00:03:27,118 That's right. Over the next 30 minutes or so, we'd like you to make yourself at home, 62 00:03:27,118 --> 00:03:28,526 if you are at home, that is. 63 00:03:28,727 --> 00:03:30,240 If you're in a hotel, make yourself… 64 00:03:31,327 --> 00:03:32,442 in a hotel. 65 00:03:33,807 --> 00:03:35,035 Well… 66 00:03:35,035 --> 00:03:38,278 My colleague, you have a way with words that reminds me of… 67 00:03:38,278 --> 00:03:41,279 Reminds me of my old geography teacher after he'd had a couple. 68 00:03:41,487 --> 00:03:44,479 -Couple of what? -Very serious car accidents. 69 00:03:44,479 --> 00:03:48,845 But the substance of his speech is right in there, kicking arse and cutting mustard, 70 00:03:48,845 --> 00:03:51,521 -and that is, be comfortable. -Be comfortable. Exactly. 71 00:03:51,521 --> 00:03:55,316 In fact, I believe my colleague, that you've actually written a song called Be Comfortable. 72 00:03:55,316 --> 00:03:56,806 -Indeed I have. -Very interesting. 73 00:03:56,806 --> 00:03:58,445 Well, now we move on 74 00:04:00,367 --> 00:04:04,155 to that part of the show where we introduce what used to be called “guests” 75 00:04:04,155 --> 00:04:07,796 and are now called “hospitality customers” onto the show. 76 00:04:07,796 --> 00:04:09,878 And first out of the linen press is a man… 77 00:04:09,878 --> 00:04:13,562 Well, is “man” a big enough word? He's got two ears, two eyes, 78 00:04:13,562 --> 00:04:18,323 two legs and one bottom, certainly, but there the resemblance to ordinary mortals ends. 79 00:04:18,323 --> 00:04:21,285 He's the friend of stars and the star of friends. 80 00:04:21,285 --> 00:04:24,404 Lord Owen described his contribution to the peace process in Bosnia 81 00:04:24,404 --> 00:04:26,398 as “meaningless and insulting”. 82 00:04:26,398 --> 00:04:29,525 His children call him “daddy”, his wife calls him regularly. 83 00:04:29,525 --> 00:04:33,486 The underpants that he wears today, you will wear tomorrow. 84 00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:37,083 His light shines in the darkness whenever he leaves it on. 85 00:04:37,083 --> 00:04:39,681 Ladies and gentleman, will you please receive, 86 00:04:39,681 --> 00:04:42,804 in complete and utter contempt and silence, 87 00:04:42,804 --> 00:04:46,323 actor, long-jumper, high-jumper, bungee-jumper, 88 00:04:46,323 --> 00:04:50,082 willy-jumper, queue-jumper, and anything-in-skirts-jumper, 89 00:04:50,082 --> 00:04:51,680 Mr Stephen Moore. 90 00:04:59,807 --> 00:05:02,002 -Please, sit down. -Thank you. 91 00:05:04,047 --> 00:05:06,003 -Stephen, lovely to have you on the show. -Thank you. 92 00:05:06,207 --> 00:05:11,122 Mmm, mmm. I mentioned your bottom earlier on in my introduction, 93 00:05:11,122 --> 00:05:13,516 and that's because it's particularly close to your heart, I believe. 94 00:05:13,516 --> 00:05:15,359 What, are you… 95 00:05:15,359 --> 00:05:18,519 -Are you saying I'm short? -Yes. 96 00:05:19,887 --> 00:05:21,639 No. No, no, no, no. 97 00:05:21,639 --> 00:05:23,445 No. What my colleague is saying 98 00:05:23,445 --> 00:05:25,882 is that you have something that you'd like to tell us about bottoms. 99 00:05:25,882 --> 00:05:28,197 Ah, yes. Well, yes, Stephen, that's right. 100 00:05:28,197 --> 00:05:30,676 -You see, when I was a younger man… -No, no, no… 101 00:05:31,527 --> 00:05:34,325 -No, I'm Hugh, that's Stephen. Stephen, Hugh. -Sorry? 102 00:05:34,325 --> 00:05:36,602 Oh! Yeah, right, yes, uh… 103 00:05:37,247 --> 00:05:40,000 Yeah, I don't watch your stuff, you see, so, you know… 104 00:05:41,527 --> 00:05:45,202 Right. Well, I think we ought to just move as swiftly on as we can, my colleague. 105 00:05:45,202 --> 00:05:47,357 Right. Well, next into the hot seat, 106 00:05:49,687 --> 00:05:53,123 I don't know why I call it that, really, it's actually quite a pleasantly cool seat. 107 00:05:53,123 --> 00:05:57,325 So, next into the quite pleasantly cool seat is a small but serviceable fishing smack. 108 00:05:57,325 --> 00:06:00,558 But is “small but serviceable fishing smack” really the right description? 109 00:06:00,558 --> 00:06:03,360 No, I don't think it is. I think “woman” is better. 110 00:06:03,360 --> 00:06:07,360 A woman whose photograph you've no doubt licked at one time or another. 111 00:06:07,360 --> 00:06:10,120 She drives a hard bargain and a Fiat Tipo. 112 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:14,445 She breaks wind like an angel and eats macaroni like a bloody warthog. 113 00:06:16,127 --> 00:06:19,961 Her remarkable linocuts have disfigured her kitchen floor, 114 00:06:19,961 --> 00:06:22,242 and her hairstyle was believed by many to be 115 00:06:22,242 --> 00:06:25,876 the inspiration behind Margaret Thatcher's final descent into madness. 116 00:06:25,876 --> 00:06:30,961 So will you please now make the traditional Mahweli gesture of welcome 117 00:06:31,167 --> 00:06:32,520 for Phyllida Law. 118 00:06:46,287 --> 00:06:48,721 -So, Phyllida, hi. -Hello. 119 00:06:49,887 --> 00:06:51,206 You've changed. 120 00:06:51,206 --> 00:06:52,640 No, I wore this on the way here. 121 00:06:52,640 --> 00:06:55,764 No, I meant you've changed your dress. 122 00:06:59,047 --> 00:07:01,242 Didn't really work, did it? 123 00:07:01,242 --> 00:07:03,283 Well, anyway… 124 00:07:03,283 --> 00:07:06,916 Three more civil wars have broken out in Europe while we've been sitting here a-gassing. 125 00:07:06,916 --> 00:07:11,046 So, before the whole world bursts into flames, there's just time, Phyllida, for me to ask you 126 00:07:11,046 --> 00:07:15,723 to hand round the contoured butt plugs and, um, Simon, would you be… 127 00:07:15,967 --> 00:07:18,879 Simon, would you be kind enough to slam your head in a fire door? 128 00:07:19,207 --> 00:07:22,085 -The name's Stephen. -I almost care. 129 00:07:23,567 --> 00:07:26,559 Well, time now to release the handbrake 130 00:07:26,559 --> 00:07:29,923 and slip gently, but with gathering speed, down into the green dell, 131 00:07:29,923 --> 00:07:33,283 what we call “the Valley of Sketches”. See you there in a mo… ment. 132 00:07:36,287 --> 00:07:39,359 Michael, you must be very thrilled ith that result. Take us through the race. 133 00:07:39,359 --> 00:07:43,639 Yes, well, I was not very happy with the car, 134 00:07:44,127 --> 00:07:46,004 and we had a lot of problems. 135 00:07:46,004 --> 00:07:49,557 And the car was not so good, I think that, you know… 136 00:07:49,557 --> 00:07:53,003 Yes, but you won. It's a great result for you. You must be very happy. 137 00:07:53,447 --> 00:07:59,079 Well, we had a lot of problems with the car, and I was not so happy, it was very hard. 138 00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:00,361 Yes, but you won. 139 00:08:01,727 --> 00:08:05,402 I won, yes, but there were many, many problems, 140 00:08:05,402 --> 00:08:08,126 and it was very hard and difficult, and… 141 00:08:08,126 --> 00:08:10,562 I was not happy at all with the car, and… 142 00:08:10,562 --> 00:08:14,356 Yes, can I… But you did actually win, did I get that straight, you actually won the race? 143 00:08:15,007 --> 00:08:18,317 We had a lot of problems. Yes, and it was very hard. 144 00:08:18,317 --> 00:08:21,399 Yeah, well, just leaving aside for the moment how hard it was, 145 00:08:21,399 --> 00:08:23,882 are you happy to have won the race? 146 00:08:23,882 --> 00:08:25,525 Well, it was very difficult… 147 00:08:25,525 --> 00:08:30,158 Yes, well, presumably it was difficult, that's why you get paid half a million pounds per race 148 00:08:30,158 --> 00:08:32,124 and get as much sex as you can eat. 149 00:08:32,124 --> 00:08:35,358 I just need to know if this makes you happy, having won the race. 150 00:08:35,358 --> 00:08:38,405 Delighted, enchanté, over the frigging moon. 151 00:08:39,847 --> 00:08:42,407 -Well, we had a lot of problems… -Are you happy? 152 00:08:44,447 --> 00:08:46,324 -It was very difficult… -Are you happy? 153 00:08:47,767 --> 00:08:48,882 Many problems… 154 00:08:49,956 --> 00:08:51,082 …with the… 155 00:08:51,082 --> 00:08:56,002 Are you arsing-well happy, you dismal, moaning French twat? 156 00:08:59,327 --> 00:09:03,559 You do a job that half of mankind would kill to be able to do 157 00:09:03,559 --> 00:09:06,878 and you can have sex with the other half as often as you like! 158 00:09:06,878 --> 00:09:10,437 I just need to know if this makes you happy! 159 00:09:13,367 --> 00:09:14,925 We had a lot of problems… 160 00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:22,719 See this? Made in England. 161 00:09:23,727 --> 00:09:26,560 And this? Made in England. 162 00:09:26,967 --> 00:09:30,004 And this, made in England. 163 00:09:30,004 --> 00:09:33,796 And, if you please, this, made in England. 164 00:09:34,487 --> 00:09:37,843 And all Sir Dickey, Puttnam et al can do 165 00:09:37,843 --> 00:09:40,487 is whinge on about the death of the British film industry. 166 00:09:41,647 --> 00:09:43,080 Okay, she was mad. 167 00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:47,285 She was mad, she was paranoid, she was a megalomaniac, she was deluded. 168 00:09:47,807 --> 00:09:50,799 But somehow, you know, when she was in charge, 169 00:09:51,767 --> 00:09:53,678 Blue Peter was Blue Peter. 170 00:09:55,327 --> 00:10:00,037 When the news of John Major's election came through, I was in the kitchen 171 00:10:00,037 --> 00:10:01,685 glazing my buns, 172 00:10:01,685 --> 00:10:06,318 and Michael, my husband, came through, 173 00:10:06,567 --> 00:10:09,127 and we broke open a bottle of champagne 174 00:10:09,127 --> 00:10:10,879 and tried to cut our throats with it. 175 00:10:12,287 --> 00:10:14,755 That Home Secretary, he's… 176 00:10:19,327 --> 00:10:20,840 He's a twit, isn't he? 177 00:10:22,287 --> 00:10:25,165 -You are Councillor Kenneth Wade? -I am. 178 00:10:25,165 --> 00:10:28,557 I hope you're aware, Councillor Wade, that this is an informal hearing. 179 00:10:28,557 --> 00:10:31,161 Yes, most certainly. I'd just like to say at the outset 180 00:10:31,161 --> 00:10:33,477 that I have done absolutely nothing of which I'm ashamed, 181 00:10:33,477 --> 00:10:37,082 and I stand by my record in local government. Having said that, I'm perfectly prepared 182 00:10:37,082 --> 00:10:40,955 to cooperate fully with this enquiry and answer such questions as you may see fit to put. 183 00:10:41,327 --> 00:10:45,240 You were elected to the Grangely City Council, Mr Wade, on a ticket of… Let me see… 184 00:10:45,447 --> 00:10:50,202 On a ticket of providing value for money for our charge-paying customers 185 00:10:50,202 --> 00:10:54,366 and for injecting new standards of decency, honour and family values into the community. 186 00:10:54,366 --> 00:10:56,403 Fine words, no doubt, Mr Wade. 187 00:10:56,403 --> 00:10:59,445 You were, I believe, in charge of the contracting out 188 00:10:59,445 --> 00:11:02,200 of the Council's cleaning department. 189 00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:05,478 Cleansing department. We say “cleansing”, not “cleaning”. 190 00:11:05,478 --> 00:11:06,795 Why? 191 00:11:06,795 --> 00:11:08,639 'Cause it annoys people, I suppose. 192 00:11:09,807 --> 00:11:13,436 And the company you chose is called Wade Cleaning Services. 193 00:11:13,436 --> 00:11:15,518 “Cleansing”, Wade Cleansing. 194 00:11:15,518 --> 00:11:18,400 Slogan, “We know the meansing of cleansing.” 195 00:11:19,647 --> 00:11:23,799 Wade Cleansing is wholly owned and run by your wife. 196 00:11:24,047 --> 00:11:27,801 Yes, the matter was fully investigated by an independent enquiry at the time. 197 00:11:27,801 --> 00:11:30,959 Yes, Wade Independent Tribunals Limited. 198 00:11:31,287 --> 00:11:35,280 Certainly, the old publicly-run enquiry services were expensive and inefficient. 199 00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:38,165 We contracted out to Wade Independent Tribunals Limited, 200 00:11:38,165 --> 00:11:40,841 who offered a competitive, hard-hitting and business-oriented 201 00:11:40,841 --> 00:11:43,077 independent tribunal and enquiry service. 202 00:11:43,077 --> 00:11:46,045 Which is wholly owned and run by your son Geoffrey. 203 00:11:46,247 --> 00:11:47,885 As it happens, yes. 204 00:11:48,527 --> 00:11:50,165 Who is five months old. 205 00:11:51,047 --> 00:11:52,878 Five and a half months old. 206 00:11:52,878 --> 00:11:55,641 Geoffrey put together a most attractive bid. I was proud of the lad. 207 00:11:55,641 --> 00:11:56,802 Mmm. 208 00:11:56,802 --> 00:12:02,484 Geoffrey's mother, however, is not your wife, but your secretary, Ms Valerie Jethcott. 209 00:12:02,484 --> 00:12:06,720 Yes, the sexual service that my wife was offering was inefficient, 210 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:11,039 old-fashioned, cumbersome and, especially after the birth of our first children, 211 00:12:11,039 --> 00:12:14,961 overstretched and with a tendency to too much waist. 212 00:12:15,167 --> 00:12:17,806 I decided to contract out my sexual requirements 213 00:12:17,806 --> 00:12:20,640 and put them out for competitive tender in the marketplace. 214 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:24,197 My secretary, Valerie, offered a sexual service that was faster, 215 00:12:24,407 --> 00:12:29,435 tighter, certainly, more efficient, streamlined and slimmed-down than my wife's. 216 00:12:29,435 --> 00:12:31,961 I thought you stood for family values and clean living. 217 00:12:31,961 --> 00:12:34,003 -“Cleansed” living. -Cleansed living. 218 00:12:34,287 --> 00:12:38,758 In your electoral literature, for instance, you promised to come down hard on homosexuals. 219 00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:42,357 Since I've been in office, I've spent a great deal of money and energy 220 00:12:42,357 --> 00:12:44,836 coming down very hard indeed on homosexuals. 221 00:12:47,207 --> 00:12:51,485 To return to financial matters, Mr Wade, do you think it is appropriate 222 00:12:51,485 --> 00:12:55,560 -that in these very lean times… -In these very “leanse” times. 223 00:12:56,527 --> 00:12:57,755 Whatever. 224 00:12:58,607 --> 00:13:02,725 The point is, you have been accused of aking a lot of money from being a councillor. 225 00:13:02,725 --> 00:13:05,560 Oh, yes, there we have it, don't we? There we have it. “Accused”. 226 00:13:05,767 --> 00:13:07,200 Suddenly it's a crime to make money. 227 00:13:07,200 --> 00:13:09,517 This is an attitude I have to do deal with every day, nowadays. 228 00:13:09,517 --> 00:13:13,077 Well, I'm sorry. When I grew up, “profit” was not a dirty word. 229 00:13:13,327 --> 00:13:15,761 “Arse” was a dirty word. 230 00:13:15,761 --> 00:13:19,726 “Scrotum” and “titty” were pretty dirty words, too. But “profit” wasn't. 231 00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:22,317 And I have to tell you that I'm not ashamed of graft, 232 00:13:22,317 --> 00:13:26,719 of sheer bloody hard graft, or is “graft” a dirty word as well now? 233 00:13:26,719 --> 00:13:28,399 Like “botty” and “helmet”. 234 00:13:28,727 --> 00:13:31,844 I think we have heard more than enough, Councillor. 235 00:13:32,407 --> 00:13:35,843 This may be an informal hearing, but frankly, I… 236 00:13:35,843 --> 00:13:37,485 -I think we're all agreed, don't you? -Yeah. 237 00:13:37,485 --> 00:13:39,444 -Yeah? -No questions, it's all there. 238 00:13:39,444 --> 00:13:40,880 Mmm-hmm. Good. 239 00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:44,004 Kenneth Wade, your name will now go forward 240 00:13:44,004 --> 00:13:49,366 as that of our officially adopted parliamentary candidate for the Grangely constituency. 241 00:13:49,366 --> 00:13:52,439 -Congratulations, Ken. -Oh, thank you. Thank you. 242 00:13:52,439 --> 00:13:55,564 -Long live Britain. -God save the queens. 243 00:13:57,087 --> 00:14:00,284 Oh, the stuff I deal with, it's mostly small stuff. You know, 244 00:14:01,927 --> 00:14:04,122 car stereos, that kind of thing. 245 00:14:04,122 --> 00:14:06,960 Look, I'll get you something bigger if you want it. 246 00:14:08,367 --> 00:14:10,562 If history has taught us one thing, 247 00:14:11,207 --> 00:14:14,119 it has taught us that the Battle of Agincourt was in 1415. 248 00:14:14,887 --> 00:14:17,447 Well, I mean, you know, hese, these, uh… These… 249 00:14:17,447 --> 00:14:20,803 They just come over here and sponge, don't they? You know, these queers. 250 00:14:21,127 --> 00:14:24,164 These sponging queers come over here and sign on the dole. 251 00:14:27,007 --> 00:14:28,565 Or is that black people? 252 00:14:29,367 --> 00:14:32,040 I don't know. I get so confused sometimes, I… 253 00:14:32,727 --> 00:14:34,683 I was hit on the head as a child, you see. 254 00:14:36,247 --> 00:14:39,796 I'm afraid weight has been a perennial problem with me. 255 00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:43,283 I've tried all the diets, I tried the Hip and Thigh Diet. 256 00:14:43,283 --> 00:14:45,005 And that was… It didn't work for me at all, 257 00:14:45,005 --> 00:14:49,166 because I've always hated the taste of thighs, even when well-done. 258 00:14:49,487 --> 00:14:52,524 Yeah, phone sex is good. I like that, phone sex. 259 00:14:52,967 --> 00:14:55,435 At least you never have to ring them the next day. 260 00:14:56,487 --> 00:15:00,241 It's red, it's shiny, it's instantly desirable and it's remarkably cheap. 261 00:15:00,241 --> 00:15:03,876 Only one drawback, it doesn't yet exist. We wondered, why not? 262 00:15:03,876 --> 00:15:07,118 Douglas Hurd has been Foreign Secretary now for a record five years. 263 00:15:07,118 --> 00:15:10,438 If anyone knows, it'll be Gordon Wade of Market Soundings PLC. 264 00:15:10,438 --> 00:15:13,883 Gordon, it's red, it's shiny, everyone wants one, it needn't cost a fortune, 265 00:15:13,883 --> 00:15:15,958 and it isn't tested on animals. But it doesn't exist. 266 00:15:15,958 --> 00:15:17,196 -What's going on? -I don't know. 267 00:15:17,196 --> 00:15:20,723 I'm sorry, it should exist, I know that, all I can say is that we are working on it. 268 00:15:20,723 --> 00:15:22,240 Mmm-hmm. Have you settled on a name for it yet? 269 00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:25,205 Not as of yet, although the project does have a working title. 270 00:15:25,205 --> 00:15:26,561 There's just time to ask you, what is it? 271 00:15:26,561 --> 00:15:29,241 -The name at the moment is Mark Bannister. -Mark Bannister. Price? 272 00:15:29,241 --> 00:15:31,795 About £3.50, we hope, but it could go as high as 90,000. 273 00:15:31,795 --> 00:15:34,117 -£90,000? -Yes. Rather depends on what it does, you see, 274 00:15:34,117 --> 00:15:36,721 and how much it costs to make it. But these, of course, are just details. 275 00:15:36,721 --> 00:15:38,957 I see, I see. The basic message so far is that you are going ahead, 276 00:15:38,957 --> 00:15:41,925 we might expect to see Mark Bannisters in our shops pretty soon. 277 00:15:41,925 --> 00:15:44,077 -Pretty soon. -Fair answer. My colleague, it's over to you. 278 00:15:47,207 --> 00:15:51,041 -Well, as you can see that is quite a total. -Thanks so much. 279 00:15:51,367 --> 00:15:56,282 Let's see if we can't get it over five million in our telephone quizline quiz. 280 00:15:56,282 --> 00:15:58,642 -Stephen, off you go. -Thanks, David. 281 00:16:04,327 --> 00:16:05,646 Was it… 282 00:16:10,527 --> 00:16:15,237 Or C, the athlete and fast record-breaking fast-miler, 283 00:16:15,237 --> 00:16:19,286 Sir Roger “Four Minute” Bannister, the famous runner? 284 00:16:19,286 --> 00:16:22,359 If you think you know the answer, you could qualify for being one of the people 285 00:16:22,359 --> 00:16:23,800 who got the answer right. 286 00:16:23,800 --> 00:16:26,845 All your calls will be charged at £400 a second. 287 00:16:27,127 --> 00:16:29,641 And do remember that all the money, 288 00:16:29,641 --> 00:16:32,241 the moment you call, goes directly to British Telecom. 289 00:16:32,241 --> 00:16:33,601 That's right. 290 00:16:33,601 --> 00:16:37,362 BT uses only recorded voices and employs no operators or staff, 291 00:16:37,362 --> 00:16:40,598 so there's no wasteful expenditure on salaries and employment. 292 00:16:40,598 --> 00:16:45,363 The money goes directly where it's needed, to men like Phillip. 293 00:16:46,247 --> 00:16:48,807 Phillip is on the board of British Telecom, 294 00:16:48,807 --> 00:16:52,124 for which he receives just £84,000 a year. 295 00:16:52,567 --> 00:16:55,365 To pay for Phillip's three homes, his six cars, 296 00:16:55,365 --> 00:16:58,484 his yacht and his helicopter with en suite cocaine habit, 297 00:16:58,484 --> 00:17:01,525 Phillip desperately relies on the yearly dividend payout 298 00:17:01,525 --> 00:17:03,598 from his British Telecom shares. 299 00:17:03,807 --> 00:17:07,595 Last year, your calls to our quizlines were kind enough to give Phillip 300 00:17:07,595 --> 00:17:10,360 nearly £400,000 in dividends. 301 00:17:10,360 --> 00:17:13,325 But this year, Phillip needs even more. 302 00:17:14,207 --> 00:17:17,722 So do call. And if you don't call, do call. 303 00:17:17,722 --> 00:17:20,367 -But do call. -And if you don't, do please call. 304 00:17:20,367 --> 00:17:22,244 But do call, even if you don't. 305 00:17:22,244 --> 00:17:24,124 Doesn't matter if you don't know the answer, just call. 306 00:17:24,124 --> 00:17:25,276 -Call. -Call anybody. 307 00:17:25,276 --> 00:17:27,039 -About anything. -Just call. 308 00:17:27,039 --> 00:17:28,321 For Phillip's sake. 309 00:17:28,321 --> 00:17:29,635 Call. 310 00:17:30,927 --> 00:17:32,360 Favourite film? 311 00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:36,122 Um, well, what's that one with that poor man who looks like an elephant? 312 00:17:36,567 --> 00:17:39,639 What's his name? Oh, you know, Colin Welland. 313 00:17:41,287 --> 00:17:45,280 Yeah, those dickheads in the Council, they got this noise pollution squad. 314 00:17:46,127 --> 00:17:49,437 I rang them up to complain about my neighbour who plays music, well, he calls it music, 315 00:17:49,437 --> 00:17:50,960 all night, 3:00 in the morning. 316 00:17:52,567 --> 00:17:54,956 They fined me 50 quid for shouting down the phone. 317 00:17:56,007 --> 00:17:58,726 Well, what I think's funny is the way they say “watershed”. 318 00:17:58,726 --> 00:18:03,562 You know, they say things like, “You can't say ‘tit’ till after the 9:00 watershed.” 319 00:18:04,047 --> 00:18:08,359 Well, who keeps water in a shed, and what's that got to do with tits? 320 00:18:16,887 --> 00:18:18,206 What you got in there? 321 00:18:19,847 --> 00:18:22,759 -I'm sorry? -What you got in there, I wonder? 322 00:18:23,247 --> 00:18:24,396 Uh, a cat. 323 00:18:24,396 --> 00:18:27,399 You got a mog in there, have you? Got a kitty-puss? 324 00:18:27,887 --> 00:18:31,084 Lovely. This is Clover, my dachssie. 325 00:18:31,084 --> 00:18:34,643 I've always had dachssies, I like smooth-coated dachssies best. 326 00:18:35,207 --> 00:18:36,526 -Really? Is that right? -Mmm. 327 00:18:36,927 --> 00:18:40,203 So what sort of mogwog is your kitty-puss? Hmm? 328 00:18:40,967 --> 00:18:44,243 Is it a tapples, or a tumtum, or what? 329 00:18:44,847 --> 00:18:48,203 -Burmese. -Aw, a burmie. I love a burmie. 330 00:18:48,567 --> 00:18:50,398 Is it a girl or a boy burmie? 331 00:18:50,807 --> 00:18:54,436 Oh, Christ. Uh… It's, uh… It's male. 332 00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:58,316 Hello, Mr Burmie. What's your name, then? 333 00:18:58,527 --> 00:19:00,279 Yes, he can't speak, actually. 334 00:19:01,927 --> 00:19:04,646 Ah, but they can understand every word you say, can't they? 335 00:19:04,646 --> 00:19:06,126 Not much evidence for that. 336 00:19:06,767 --> 00:19:10,885 My first dachssie, my first ever dachssie, was called Scully. 337 00:19:11,167 --> 00:19:14,523 I named him after Hugh Scully, who presents the Antiques Roadshow. 338 00:19:15,127 --> 00:19:17,038 I love that programme, don't you? 339 00:19:17,447 --> 00:19:18,641 Pervertedly. 340 00:19:19,767 --> 00:19:21,519 Do you know what I do of a Sunday? 341 00:19:21,967 --> 00:19:23,844 Every day, after we've had our walk, 342 00:19:23,844 --> 00:19:26,521 'cause Clover and I always go walkums of a Sunday… 343 00:19:26,521 --> 00:19:30,077 Well, you know, just Clover and me, and of course my little pooper-scooper. 344 00:19:31,487 --> 00:19:35,526 Because that nasty parky man doesn't like to see poochie-poop on his best grass, does he? 345 00:19:35,526 --> 00:19:38,115 -No, so… -Oh, Christ. 346 00:19:38,927 --> 00:19:41,680 And, of course, I don't like to see poochie-poop on my best carpet, 347 00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:45,521 and if I do, Clover knows she can expect a visit from the smack fairy. 348 00:19:48,047 --> 00:19:49,605 So, we come back, 349 00:19:50,407 --> 00:19:53,126 and I make myself a cheese and tommy-toe toasty. 350 00:19:55,047 --> 00:19:56,196 A what? 351 00:19:56,647 --> 00:19:58,080 A cheese and what? 352 00:19:58,287 --> 00:20:01,006 Tommy-toe, tommy-toe, tommy-toe. 353 00:20:01,807 --> 00:20:04,480 -Tomato. -Tommy-toe. 354 00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:06,325 -Tommy-toe… -Don't say it again. 355 00:20:08,807 --> 00:20:13,403 I make myself a cheese and tommy-toe toasty, sometimes two toasties, 356 00:20:13,687 --> 00:20:15,325 and an old muggins of tea, 357 00:20:15,325 --> 00:20:18,638 and I just snudge it down in front of the television 358 00:20:18,638 --> 00:20:21,685 and I watch the Roadshow. I love my Sunday afternoonies. 359 00:20:21,685 --> 00:20:23,246 Jesus. God, help. 360 00:20:24,207 --> 00:20:28,678 And, of course, if it isn't the Roadshow, it might be that animal programme with Desmond. 361 00:20:28,678 --> 00:20:30,086 Desmond Morris. 362 00:20:30,086 --> 00:20:32,317 Ah, yes, but we call him Desmond in our household, 363 00:20:32,317 --> 00:20:35,205 'cause he's like a friend, he's like an old chum, is Desmond. 364 00:20:35,205 --> 00:20:38,245 Or we might watch MasterChef with Loydie, 365 00:20:38,245 --> 00:20:40,841 or the Clothesie Show with Jeff Banksie-Wanksie. 366 00:20:42,127 --> 00:20:45,005 We love our Sunday afties, don't we, Clover? 367 00:20:47,487 --> 00:20:49,159 So, what's wrong with Mr Burmie? 368 00:20:49,487 --> 00:20:51,205 -What? -Mr Burmie. 369 00:20:51,205 --> 00:20:54,245 Why has he come in to see vetiloo, has he got a poorly tums? 370 00:20:56,887 --> 00:20:58,764 Did you just say “vetiloo”? 371 00:20:59,847 --> 00:21:01,075 Sore throatie? 372 00:21:01,487 --> 00:21:03,842 Hmm? What's the matter with Mr Burmie? 373 00:21:04,247 --> 00:21:06,363 I've brought him in to be killed. 374 00:21:11,967 --> 00:21:13,320 Excusie? 375 00:21:13,320 --> 00:21:16,126 He's got cancer of the liver, I've brought him in to be put to death. 376 00:21:18,007 --> 00:21:19,281 -Cancer? -Yes. 377 00:21:20,127 --> 00:21:21,526 -Cancer of the liver? -Yes. 378 00:21:23,167 --> 00:21:25,158 -Cancie-wancie? -Oh, God! 379 00:21:26,927 --> 00:21:30,078 Have you got cancie-didlies then, have you, Mr Burmie? 380 00:21:30,078 --> 00:21:32,807 You going to be put to deathies, are you? 381 00:21:32,807 --> 00:21:35,879 Is your little heart going to be made to stoppie-wop-wop? 382 00:21:36,527 --> 00:21:38,757 Are they going to go killie chum-chums? 383 00:21:39,007 --> 00:21:43,558 Are they going to put your coldie-woldie body-wod in the groundie-wound, are they? Eh? 384 00:21:44,047 --> 00:21:45,605 Clover? 385 00:21:45,605 --> 00:21:46,881 Yeah? 386 00:21:48,327 --> 00:21:49,646 What can I do for you? 387 00:21:49,646 --> 00:21:52,201 I'd like to have this man put down, please. 388 00:21:56,807 --> 00:22:01,562 You low, corrosive lump of faecal horror, you maniac bastardly turd, 389 00:22:01,562 --> 00:22:05,959 I would rather drink stale urine from Norman Fowler's arse-pit 390 00:22:05,959 --> 00:22:08,720 than remain one moment more in your defiling company. 391 00:22:08,720 --> 00:22:13,483 You're filth, you're cack, you're the ooze of a burst boil, I abominate you, 392 00:22:13,483 --> 00:22:15,762 you towering mound of corrupted slime. 393 00:22:15,762 --> 00:22:18,919 Your every utterance is like he slithering hiss of a fat maggot 394 00:22:18,919 --> 00:22:21,441 in the putrid guts of a decomposing rat. 395 00:22:21,441 --> 00:22:25,998 Your face is fouler than the unwiped inner ring of Satan's rectum! 396 00:22:28,087 --> 00:22:29,884 Have a cream slice. 397 00:22:31,047 --> 00:22:32,162 Thanks. 398 00:22:35,407 --> 00:22:37,238 Blimey, they've been up there long enough. 399 00:22:37,238 --> 00:22:38,806 -Oh, good. -What? 400 00:22:38,806 --> 00:22:42,675 Well, if they hadn't been up there long enough, they'd have to go up there again. 401 00:22:42,675 --> 00:22:46,601 -Silly going up twice, all those stairs. -Are you drunk? 402 00:22:48,122 --> 00:22:51,722 -Thanks very much, lovely cup of tea, ta. -Very nice piece of shortbread, too. 403 00:22:52,127 --> 00:22:55,119 -Well? -Well, yes. Now, as you suggested, 404 00:22:55,119 --> 00:22:57,562 there is evidence of your having wasps up in your attic. 405 00:22:57,562 --> 00:22:58,881 -Wasps? -Wasps. 406 00:22:58,881 --> 00:23:00,036 Wasps. 407 00:23:00,036 --> 00:23:02,083 “Evidence”, he said, “Evidence of wasps in the attic.” 408 00:23:02,083 --> 00:23:03,566 What sort of evidence? 409 00:23:03,566 --> 00:23:04,841 -Shall I? -Go ahead. 410 00:23:04,841 --> 00:23:08,044 Yeah, well, the evidence breaks down neatly into three parts: 411 00:23:08,044 --> 00:23:11,563 firstly, there are two wasps' nests up there, 412 00:23:12,287 --> 00:23:14,801 secondly, there are a lot of wasps up there, 413 00:23:15,167 --> 00:23:18,239 and thirdly, my associate swears, and I've never known him to be wrong yet, 414 00:23:18,239 --> 00:23:20,045 swears he heard some buzzing. 415 00:23:20,607 --> 00:23:23,405 -Buzzing? -Not loud, but loud enough. 416 00:23:23,405 --> 00:23:25,921 -I see. -So what are we to do? 417 00:23:25,921 --> 00:23:27,360 Uh… Will you? 418 00:23:27,360 --> 00:23:31,599 Well, we can play this any number of ways. We can pretend it never happened, 419 00:23:31,847 --> 00:23:33,565 simply walk away, just go home, 420 00:23:33,565 --> 00:23:36,115 have a nice hot meal, watch a bit of television, go to bed, 421 00:23:36,115 --> 00:23:38,641 get up in the morning, brush our teeth, come down, have breakfast… 422 00:23:38,641 --> 00:23:40,718 -Yeah, I think, I think… -Well, I'm just painting the picture. 423 00:23:40,718 --> 00:23:42,240 -Fair enough. -Right, that's option one. 424 00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:46,400 -Option two is we can get rid of them. -Oh, I think we should get rid of them. Don't you? 425 00:23:46,400 --> 00:23:47,636 Oh, yeah. Get rid of them. 426 00:23:47,636 --> 00:23:49,285 -The wasps? -The wasps. 427 00:23:49,285 --> 00:23:51,079 -The wasps! -The wasps. 428 00:23:51,079 --> 00:23:52,202 Option two. 429 00:23:52,202 --> 00:23:55,723 Yeah. Well, I should point out that option two does carry with it a portion of risk. 430 00:23:56,047 --> 00:23:57,241 You see, wasps… 431 00:23:58,007 --> 00:23:59,679 Well, you know, wasps are tricky things. 432 00:24:00,327 --> 00:24:01,555 Boy, ain't that the truth. 433 00:24:01,555 --> 00:24:05,003 You know, a wasp isn't a thing you can just get rid of. 434 00:24:05,003 --> 00:24:06,315 There you spoke a mouthful. 435 00:24:06,315 --> 00:24:09,046 Yeah, you know, you can't just wave a magic wand over a wasp 436 00:24:09,046 --> 00:24:12,278 -and hope that it'll just go away. -How much easier our lives would be if you could. 437 00:24:12,278 --> 00:24:15,404 Yeah, no, what you got to do is, you gotta get inside the wasp's mind, 438 00:24:15,927 --> 00:24:18,760 learn what makes him happy, what makes him sad. 439 00:24:19,167 --> 00:24:22,284 What are his wants, what are his fears? Learn to think how a wasp thinks. 440 00:24:22,284 --> 00:24:24,045 And how do wasps think? 441 00:24:24,045 --> 00:24:26,083 Oh, I don't suppose we'll ever really know the answer to that. 442 00:24:26,083 --> 00:24:28,158 Nah, no, no. We can guess. 443 00:24:28,158 --> 00:24:30,522 Oh, we could guess, yeah, but understand them, 444 00:24:30,522 --> 00:24:33,041 really understand a wasp, not in our lifetime. 445 00:24:33,041 --> 00:24:34,845 No, we're just poking around in the dark, to be honest. 446 00:24:34,845 --> 00:24:36,076 Whistling in the wind. 447 00:24:36,076 --> 00:24:38,727 -Yeah. We don't even know how little we know. -Mmm-hmm. 448 00:24:38,727 --> 00:24:40,280 But you can get rid of them? 449 00:24:40,527 --> 00:24:42,245 -Oh, we can get rid of them! -Oh, yeah, that's no problem. 450 00:24:42,245 --> 00:24:44,318 -Yeah, yeah. If that's what you want. -If that's what you want. 451 00:24:44,318 --> 00:24:46,921 -Yes. -If you wanna just turn away and carry on 452 00:24:46,921 --> 00:24:50,443 -with your cosy, comfortable lives… -Cut off one more link with the natural world… 453 00:24:50,443 --> 00:24:52,677 Nail up the gate into the secret garden. 454 00:24:52,677 --> 00:24:57,079 Watch another star wink its final wink and fade into the inky blackness. 455 00:24:58,207 --> 00:25:01,916 -What do you reckon? -Oh, well, they can't do any harm, can they? 456 00:25:01,916 --> 00:25:05,477 -They can sting you. They will sting you. -Oh, they will sting you, yes. 457 00:25:05,477 --> 00:25:07,478 Oh, all right then, leave them be. 458 00:25:07,478 --> 00:25:09,319 -You sure? -If you are. 459 00:25:09,319 --> 00:25:12,638 -Oh, I'm sure. -That'll be £87.50, please. 460 00:25:15,487 --> 00:25:19,321 My associate, I do believe we have done a beautiful thing here. 461 00:25:19,321 --> 00:25:23,605 I do believe we have, and it's got nothing to do with wasps. 462 00:25:35,356 --> 00:25:38,883 Well, welcome to the back end of the pantomime camel 463 00:25:38,883 --> 00:25:42,403 that has been tonight's edition of A Bit of Fry and Laurie. 464 00:25:42,847 --> 00:25:47,875 Little hand is already pointing at “good”, and the big hand will soon be pointing at “bye”. 465 00:25:48,367 --> 00:25:49,641 We know what that means, don't we? 466 00:25:49,641 --> 00:25:50,921 -Hugh. -What? 467 00:25:50,921 --> 00:25:55,046 One more squeak out of you, I'm going to tear your guts out and stamp on your colon. 468 00:25:56,447 --> 00:25:57,800 I do ask for it sometimes. 469 00:25:58,367 --> 00:26:00,927 But there is just enough time, you'll be horrified to know, 470 00:26:00,927 --> 00:26:04,443 for me to turn to our oh-so-welcome hospitality customers 471 00:26:04,443 --> 00:26:07,758 and to ask them to gaze down at the cocktail menu and tell me what is 472 00:26:07,758 --> 00:26:10,281 and will be their choice of farewell cocktail. 473 00:26:10,487 --> 00:26:12,364 -Hmm. Well… -Oh. 474 00:26:12,364 --> 00:26:15,280 -Ooh, I think… -Yeah, no, but have you seen that one? I mean… 475 00:26:15,280 --> 00:26:19,645 Do please let us know, Mr Music and I are very much on the edge of our tempers, 476 00:26:19,645 --> 00:26:21,604 -isn't that right? -That's as right as you know, 477 00:26:21,604 --> 00:26:23,200 and then just a little bit righter than that. 478 00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:25,847 So can we have your votes, Zurich, please. 479 00:26:25,847 --> 00:26:29,283 I think we'd like to go for the Swinging Ball Sack, please. 480 00:26:29,283 --> 00:26:32,200 You have chosen the Swinging Ball Sack. 481 00:26:32,200 --> 00:26:36,679 Well, for a properly prepared Swinging Ball Sack, 482 00:26:36,679 --> 00:26:39,367 you'll need four shots of tequila, 483 00:26:40,167 --> 00:26:41,759 an item of gin, 484 00:26:42,327 --> 00:26:45,956 one shot of pure-grain heroin cut lengthways, 485 00:26:47,887 --> 00:26:51,323 two measures of self-raising sugar and one of carbonated, 486 00:26:51,767 --> 00:26:53,997 some freshly-milled tungsten 487 00:26:55,007 --> 00:26:56,486 and to garnish, 488 00:26:56,687 --> 00:27:00,282 six nipple hairs plucked from a cabinet minister, 489 00:27:00,567 --> 00:27:04,640 it doesn't matter which, but in this instance I'm using Virginia Bottomley's. 490 00:27:06,247 --> 00:27:10,399 And as I prepare your Swinging Ball Sacks, I ask this question, 491 00:27:10,399 --> 00:27:12,324 in accordance with known principles, 492 00:27:12,727 --> 00:27:15,525 please, Mr Music, will you play? 493 00:28:04,167 --> 00:28:06,044 Soupy twist.