1 00:00:10,327 --> 00:00:11,760 Interesting. 2 00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:15,237 He seems to be trying to develop some pressure on the b-file. 3 00:00:15,237 --> 00:00:19,002 I must say, I don't like the look of those double rooks at all. 4 00:00:19,002 --> 00:00:22,477 I think I might have a slight positional advantage 5 00:00:22,477 --> 00:00:24,000 after the coming exchange, 6 00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:26,681 but then again, it's hard to say. 7 00:00:27,207 --> 00:00:28,356 Tricky. 8 00:00:29,087 --> 00:00:31,681 -Oh, hello. We're on. Stephen? -Oh, yes. 9 00:00:32,836 --> 00:00:35,919 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to A Bit of Fry and Laurie. 10 00:00:35,919 --> 00:00:37,725 -Thanks for stopping by. -Thanks, indeed. 11 00:00:37,725 --> 00:00:39,604 We've got a neatly packed show for you tonight, 12 00:00:39,604 --> 00:00:41,803 with all the sketches on the top, so they don't get creased. 13 00:00:41,803 --> 00:00:44,924 We're also hoping that Michael Heseltine might drop in for a mug of cocoa, 14 00:00:44,924 --> 00:00:48,556 but as we haven't invited him, I fear our hoping may be in vain. 15 00:00:48,847 --> 00:00:50,883 Oh, that is so much pettifogging detail. 16 00:00:50,883 --> 00:00:53,197 Our real message is, get loose, get comfortable, 17 00:00:53,197 --> 00:00:56,165 kick off those corduroy hats and enjoy the show. 18 00:01:00,247 --> 00:01:03,239 Between desire and reality. 19 00:01:04,167 --> 00:01:05,441 A bit. 20 00:01:05,441 --> 00:01:08,564 Between fact and breakfast, 21 00:01:09,287 --> 00:01:13,121 madness lies, lies, lies… 22 00:01:13,807 --> 00:01:15,240 A bit. 23 00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:18,637 I hate you, I hate you and yet… 24 00:01:19,127 --> 00:01:20,162 I hate you… 25 00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:25,440 As love, rage and aches of the ear. 26 00:01:30,967 --> 00:01:34,084 Pretension by Fry and Laurie. 27 00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:38,242 Thank you. 28 00:01:38,487 --> 00:01:39,476 Thank you, thank you. 29 00:01:40,287 --> 00:01:41,356 Thank you. 30 00:01:41,356 --> 00:01:45,520 Well, good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to A Bit of Fry and Laurie. 31 00:01:45,520 --> 00:01:46,835 …23, 24, 25… 32 00:01:46,835 --> 00:01:48,440 Oh. Oh dear, oh dear! 33 00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:51,803 Uh, my colleague, Hugh Laurie, appears to be doing something 34 00:01:51,803 --> 00:01:54,242 rather odd and eccentric, which, on the face of it, at least, 35 00:01:54,242 --> 00:01:56,795 has absolutely nothing, whatever, to do with the show. 36 00:01:56,795 --> 00:01:57,956 …30, 31… 37 00:01:57,956 --> 00:02:00,277 I think, on your behalf, I'd better look into things. 38 00:02:00,277 --> 00:02:01,561 …32… 39 00:02:01,561 --> 00:02:03,160 My colleague, what are you doing? 40 00:02:03,160 --> 00:02:05,442 -None of your business. 34… -Huh! 41 00:02:05,442 --> 00:02:07,483 -“Curiouser and curiouser!” said Alice. -…35… 42 00:02:07,483 --> 00:02:09,558 No, seriously, Hugh, what are you doing? 43 00:02:09,558 --> 00:02:11,160 I said, it's none of your business. 44 00:02:11,160 --> 00:02:13,158 Yes, well, actually, it is my business! 45 00:02:13,158 --> 00:02:15,238 Since we're both paid to be performing a comedy show, 46 00:02:15,238 --> 00:02:17,841 and what you are doing is neither comic, nor showy, 47 00:02:17,841 --> 00:02:20,202 I think that gives me the right to ask you what you're doing, 48 00:02:20,202 --> 00:02:22,721 and for you to give me a straight answer! 49 00:02:23,927 --> 00:02:25,645 I am counting out money. 50 00:02:25,645 --> 00:02:29,083 I warn you, Mr Bond, my patience is not inexhaustible. 51 00:02:29,847 --> 00:02:31,758 Tell me why you are counting out money, 52 00:02:31,758 --> 00:02:35,601 or my pretty little piranha fish can expect a substantial meal this evening. 53 00:02:35,601 --> 00:02:39,680 Well, I'm counting out money that I've stolen during the course of today. 54 00:02:42,847 --> 00:02:45,680 -I beg your pardon? -That's right, I took up mugging, recently. 55 00:02:45,680 --> 00:02:48,122 Um, well, yesterday, actually. 56 00:02:48,122 --> 00:02:51,995 And at the end of the day, I like to count out how much I've earned for tax purposes. 57 00:02:51,995 --> 00:02:54,885 You… You took this money from people by mugging them? 58 00:02:54,885 --> 00:02:56,036 That's right. 59 00:02:56,036 --> 00:03:00,166 Two old ladies on the Finchley High Road, and a busker at Baker Street Tube. 60 00:03:00,166 --> 00:03:02,602 You stole this from them, forcibly, and without permission? 61 00:03:02,602 --> 00:03:03,802 Yep. 62 00:03:04,407 --> 00:03:06,238 What a brilliant idea! 63 00:03:06,687 --> 00:03:08,917 It is fantastic, isn't it? It really is incredibly easy. 64 00:03:08,917 --> 00:03:12,044 You just walk up to them, wave a knife under their nose, bob's your uncle. 65 00:03:12,044 --> 00:03:13,799 That is remarkable! 66 00:03:13,799 --> 00:03:16,401 Um, sort of morality-wise, what do you… 67 00:03:16,401 --> 00:03:20,719 Oh! Isn't that just typical of the chattering classes? 68 00:03:20,719 --> 00:03:24,959 Chatter, chatter, chatter… You know, imposing your views on people. 69 00:03:24,959 --> 00:03:27,766 Oh! He's absolutely right, I'm very ashamed. 70 00:03:27,766 --> 00:03:31,317 Um, now, ladies and gentlemen, we've arrived at that part of the evening 71 00:03:31,317 --> 00:03:35,286 where, all things being equal, we would introduce some guests onto the show. 72 00:03:35,286 --> 00:03:40,202 There would be amusement, merriment, applause and jovial backslapping, 73 00:03:40,202 --> 00:03:41,845 as we affectionately swapped stories 74 00:03:41,845 --> 00:03:44,760 about what it was really like working with Keith Barron. 75 00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:48,476 But sadly, all things are not equal. 76 00:03:48,476 --> 00:03:52,196 That's right. Take, for example, the number of people who like Libby Purves, 77 00:03:52,196 --> 00:03:56,075 and compare it to the number of people who have to listen to her every day on the radio. 78 00:03:56,075 --> 00:03:58,203 -Definitely not equal. -Mmm. 79 00:03:58,407 --> 00:04:01,160 And so it is with this show, we cried and we moaned, 80 00:04:01,160 --> 00:04:02,885 we begged and we pleaded, 81 00:04:02,885 --> 00:04:05,925 we borrowed and we invested wisely, but to no avail. 82 00:04:05,925 --> 00:04:09,124 Not a single person answered our advertisement for guests 83 00:04:09,124 --> 00:04:11,437 in last month's edition of the Watchtower. 84 00:04:12,847 --> 00:04:15,315 And so, ladies and gentlemen, 85 00:04:16,367 --> 00:04:20,565 for the first time, my colleague and I are going to attempt… 86 00:04:20,565 --> 00:04:22,882 And the key word there is “foreskin”. 87 00:04:24,807 --> 00:04:27,765 Yes. We will attempt to complete a show 88 00:04:28,447 --> 00:04:32,201 in which there are virtually no guests. 89 00:04:32,607 --> 00:04:33,756 Guestless. 90 00:04:33,756 --> 00:04:36,998 In a virtually guest-free environment. 91 00:04:37,207 --> 00:04:39,198 I've chosen, in place of my guest, 92 00:04:39,198 --> 00:04:43,519 a pair of old trousers that my grandfather used to wear while he was gardening. 93 00:04:44,647 --> 00:04:47,719 And I've selected an old tin of Humbrol paint. 94 00:04:47,927 --> 00:04:52,045 So, let the good times, if not exactly roll, 95 00:04:52,045 --> 00:04:54,766 at least have a seat at the negotiating table. 96 00:04:54,766 --> 00:04:56,883 So, what was Keith Barron really like? 97 00:04:58,767 --> 00:05:00,359 Hello, and three dozen welcomes, 98 00:05:00,359 --> 00:05:03,519 to the national finals of the Young Tory of the Year, 99 00:05:03,519 --> 00:05:06,041 here, in Daily Mail Hall, Horrorgate, 100 00:05:06,041 --> 00:05:08,687 in front of an invited audience of local businessmen, 101 00:05:08,687 --> 00:05:12,806 and their slightly awkward teenage children in ponytails and annoying ties. 102 00:05:12,806 --> 00:05:14,957 With me is one of the judges, Brent Wheeler. 103 00:05:14,957 --> 00:05:18,801 He'll be giving us the benefit of his expert advice, and telling us what to look out for. 104 00:05:18,801 --> 00:05:20,400 -Good evening, Brent. -Quite right. 105 00:05:20,400 --> 00:05:22,557 Brent, last year, the standard was extraordinarily high. 106 00:05:22,557 --> 00:05:24,797 Do you think we can look forward to something similar this year? 107 00:05:24,797 --> 00:05:26,684 Yeah, uh, Susan, I think we probably can. 108 00:05:26,684 --> 00:05:29,281 Yes, I have been a judge in some of the local heats, 109 00:05:29,281 --> 00:05:32,757 and let me tell you that the talent this year is as awesome as it's ever been. 110 00:05:32,757 --> 00:05:34,803 Of course, this being the national finals, 111 00:05:34,803 --> 00:05:37,606 candidates will be concentrating largely on keynote speeches, 112 00:05:37,606 --> 00:05:40,201 and general displays of ignorance and prejudice, is that right? 113 00:05:40,201 --> 00:05:43,836 That's correct. Right, yes. Although, this year they have introduced a new round, 114 00:05:43,836 --> 00:05:46,919 a “getting shiny-faced in a t-shirt” round. 115 00:05:46,919 --> 00:05:48,963 -“T-shirts”? That doesn't sound very… -It doesn't… 116 00:05:48,963 --> 00:05:53,006 No, but you see, this is the way that young Toryism is being developed, you see. 117 00:05:53,006 --> 00:05:56,318 T-shirts show that this is not just an art for the middle classes. 118 00:05:56,318 --> 00:06:00,480 Uh, it gives it a general, American street fashion-wise appeal 119 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:01,761 for the young and hip, trendy. 120 00:06:01,761 --> 00:06:02,882 Right. 121 00:06:02,882 --> 00:06:06,084 Well, the lights are going down behind us, as you can probably hear. 122 00:06:06,084 --> 00:06:10,001 And I think our first competitor, Andrew Tredgold, is ready to go on. 123 00:06:12,527 --> 00:06:17,965 Andrew is in his second year at Exeter reading human bigotry and libertarian nonsense. 124 00:06:17,965 --> 00:06:23,326 He counts, amongst his inspirations, the Family Values Theme by John Patten, 125 00:06:23,326 --> 00:06:27,161 the Further Cuts and Public Expenditure Suite by Kenneth Clarke, 126 00:06:27,161 --> 00:06:31,923 arranged by Portillo, and the endless variations in J Major. 127 00:06:33,884 --> 00:06:37,084 So, Andrew Tredgold, Southwest regional winner. 128 00:06:37,084 --> 00:06:38,566 Conference! 129 00:06:38,767 --> 00:06:41,679 Core values, real punishment for offenders, 130 00:06:41,927 --> 00:06:45,397 family standards, opportunity for individual enterprise, 131 00:06:45,397 --> 00:06:47,159 roll back the frontiers of the state, 132 00:06:47,159 --> 00:06:49,602 Michael's bold and imaginative initiative, 133 00:06:49,602 --> 00:06:51,484 and yes, why not corporal punishment? 134 00:06:51,484 --> 00:06:53,603 Really crack down, young offenders, rule of law, 135 00:06:53,603 --> 00:06:55,040 and yes, I make no apologies, 136 00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:57,846 respect for ordinary, decent, vast majority, welfare spongers. 137 00:06:57,846 --> 00:07:00,361 As Norman said, so clearly, individual-enterprise culture, 138 00:07:00,361 --> 00:07:03,723 opportunity, attack on trendy, liberal, education initiatives. 139 00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:07,197 I pick up on John's wonderfully forceful point, sloppy thinking, '60s, media knockers. 140 00:07:07,197 --> 00:07:10,245 In Michael's bold and imaginative values, standards, decency, 141 00:07:10,245 --> 00:07:12,477 family, law, yes, I make no apology, and why not? 142 00:07:12,477 --> 00:07:14,558 Even, perhaps, God, and pride in country, 143 00:07:14,558 --> 00:07:17,286 decent, ordinary, sloppy people, vast majority of bold new initiatives, 144 00:07:17,286 --> 00:07:19,961 decent family values, standards, core values, 145 00:07:19,961 --> 00:07:22,720 return to '50s, responsibility, individual respect, standards, 146 00:07:22,720 --> 00:07:24,001 values, and yes, why not? 147 00:07:24,001 --> 00:07:26,237 Values, respect, standards, working, a decent apology. 148 00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:28,887 I make no standards, vast, family, law, why not? 149 00:07:28,887 --> 00:07:31,640 Sloppy corporal law punishment, individual decent spongers, wishy-washy, 150 00:07:31,640 --> 00:07:33,683 trendy family, crime, Michael, values. Thank you. 151 00:07:43,167 --> 00:07:46,477 Well, as you can hear, the audience absolutely loving that. 152 00:07:46,477 --> 00:07:48,239 But what will the judges make of it, I wonder. Brent? 153 00:07:48,239 --> 00:07:51,160 It was wonderfully confident and assured, wasn't it? 154 00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:53,920 Original, though, I'm not sure how the judges are going to like that. 155 00:07:53,920 --> 00:07:55,998 You may have noticed that in one of the early passages, 156 00:07:55,998 --> 00:08:00,842 he opted for “family standards” instead of the more classically correct “family values”. 157 00:08:00,842 --> 00:08:03,725 But the technique was astounding, in one so young. 158 00:08:03,725 --> 00:08:06,162 Uh, every bit as insulting as a Tory twice his age. 159 00:08:06,162 --> 00:08:08,807 -But no actual mistakes. -Not real mistakes, no, no. 160 00:08:08,807 --> 00:08:11,481 I thought, at one point, he was gonna say something which made sense. 161 00:08:11,481 --> 00:08:12,886 Yes, he just avoided it. 162 00:08:12,886 --> 00:08:14,639 Uh, it was a tense moment, but no. No. 163 00:08:14,639 --> 00:08:16,558 Very assured, very ghastly, 164 00:08:16,558 --> 00:08:19,764 completely sucked dry of youth, energy, ideals, 165 00:08:19,764 --> 00:08:22,122 imagination, love, passion, or intelligence. 166 00:08:22,122 --> 00:08:23,236 Mmm. Mmm. 167 00:08:23,236 --> 00:08:27,764 Well, while the audience throws quietly up, we'll return you to the shop where we bought you. 168 00:08:28,847 --> 00:08:30,838 Well, you know, men… 169 00:08:30,838 --> 00:08:32,884 Men are just so fragile, aren't they? 170 00:08:32,884 --> 00:08:36,198 You know, you've only got to say something like, 171 00:08:37,247 --> 00:08:39,886 “You've got an absolutely tiny one, and you're hopeless in bed,” 172 00:08:39,886 --> 00:08:41,685 and they get all sort of hurt. 173 00:08:42,967 --> 00:08:45,276 I always say women are like eggs, 174 00:08:45,276 --> 00:08:47,204 best not keep them in the fridge. 175 00:08:51,567 --> 00:08:52,795 Yeah. 176 00:08:52,795 --> 00:08:53,956 Yes, I like to do… 177 00:08:55,887 --> 00:08:59,402 Like to do about 30 lengths every day, before I go to work. 178 00:08:59,402 --> 00:09:01,079 You know, it really… 179 00:09:01,687 --> 00:09:05,202 It really makes me feel, you know, shagged. 180 00:09:07,887 --> 00:09:11,243 When I was growing up, back then, in the, oh, so 1960s and '70s, 181 00:09:11,243 --> 00:09:14,319 television entertainment could be described in just six words, 182 00:09:14,319 --> 00:09:17,160 and those six words were “variety”. 183 00:09:17,487 --> 00:09:19,318 Whatever happened to variety? 184 00:09:19,318 --> 00:09:21,363 They tell us variety is dead. 185 00:09:21,363 --> 00:09:24,962 Well, I happen to know a young man who may just yet prove those cynics wrong. 186 00:09:24,962 --> 00:09:27,481 I wouldn't be embarrassed to call this talented youngster 187 00:09:27,481 --> 00:09:29,239 Mr Variety himself. 188 00:09:29,239 --> 00:09:32,444 He sings, he dances, he tells jokes, he's a remarkable impressionist 189 00:09:32,444 --> 00:09:34,199 and a world-class ventriloquist. 190 00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:37,802 He tears paper, he rides a monocycle, he walks the high wire, he performs magic, 191 00:09:37,802 --> 00:09:41,118 he reads minds, he plays the piano, the harpsichord and the sackbut. 192 00:09:41,118 --> 00:09:43,277 He writes all the material that he wears. 193 00:09:43,277 --> 00:09:45,642 He lifts impossible weights, he throws knives, 194 00:09:45,642 --> 00:09:48,082 he grows chameleons to an international standard, 195 00:09:48,082 --> 00:09:51,523 he forecasts the weather, he trains seals, he seals trains, 196 00:09:51,523 --> 00:09:54,440 he draws lightning portraits, he speaks over 30 languages, 197 00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:57,678 and is capable of sustaining an erection for over four hours. 198 00:09:57,678 --> 00:10:01,043 To top it all, he was just 20 years of age 199 00:10:01,043 --> 00:10:03,277 when he died in 1934. 200 00:10:03,277 --> 00:10:05,801 Please welcome Tommy McPherson. 201 00:10:19,927 --> 00:10:23,044 And now we present Dame Victoria Bennett 202 00:10:23,044 --> 00:10:27,006 in Alan Wood's acclaimed prestige dramatic monologue, 203 00:10:27,006 --> 00:10:28,600 Well I Never Did. 204 00:10:33,407 --> 00:10:34,396 Tsk. Oh. 205 00:10:35,287 --> 00:10:36,561 Oh, well. 206 00:10:37,407 --> 00:10:39,398 Oh, yes, I'll never forget that one. 207 00:10:39,398 --> 00:10:43,924 That was taken before they pulled down the gasworks and built that Netto superstore. 208 00:10:43,924 --> 00:10:47,841 Oh, he looks good in his Littlewoods keynote cardie, does our Alan. 209 00:10:48,207 --> 00:10:50,038 I said at the time, I said, “Alan, 210 00:10:50,038 --> 00:10:54,006 “if you want to get on in the world, you'd be wise to write down everything I say, 211 00:10:54,006 --> 00:10:56,157 “because it's gold, is what I say. 212 00:10:56,157 --> 00:10:59,205 “And don't hog the Peak Freans, lad, pass them round.” 213 00:10:59,927 --> 00:11:01,360 Lovely boy, he was. 214 00:11:01,927 --> 00:11:04,395 Teeth weren't his strong feature, of course, 215 00:11:04,395 --> 00:11:07,001 and his hair was never what you might call Leslie Howard. 216 00:11:07,001 --> 00:11:11,285 But I always say, teeth is teeth, what does it matter? So long as you've got your wealth. 217 00:11:11,567 --> 00:11:14,161 He said, “I can't wait to get out of here, Aunty Ivy, 218 00:11:14,161 --> 00:11:16,044 “and make my fortune down south.” 219 00:11:16,044 --> 00:11:17,276 I said, “Alan”, I said, 220 00:11:17,276 --> 00:11:20,677 “I may not be as cabbage-looking as my tongue is a fisherman's doily, 221 00:11:20,677 --> 00:11:24,521 “but what's London got that you won't find in the Arndale Centre in Todmorden?” 222 00:11:24,521 --> 00:11:27,161 Well, he was stuck for a reply. 223 00:11:27,161 --> 00:11:31,320 I said, “You want sophistication, you stick with us up here, love.” 224 00:11:31,727 --> 00:11:33,683 He knew I was right, bless him. 225 00:11:33,887 --> 00:11:36,355 I mean, we've got a Body Shop in the parade now. 226 00:11:36,355 --> 00:11:39,723 You can't move for Volvos in the autumn months. 227 00:11:40,287 --> 00:11:43,199 But then he's always had his head in the clouds, has our Alan. 228 00:11:43,199 --> 00:11:47,121 Caught him trying to scour a milk pan with a tea bag once. 229 00:11:47,327 --> 00:11:49,682 I said, “It's all very well knowing long words, 230 00:11:49,682 --> 00:11:52,235 “but if you can't tell the difference between a box of Brillo pads 231 00:11:52,235 --> 00:11:55,319 “and a packet of Typhoo One Cup, you'll never get on.” 232 00:11:56,087 --> 00:11:58,237 I'll go to the back of our fridge. 233 00:12:06,007 --> 00:12:09,317 He did leave, though, got a scholarship to Oxford. 234 00:12:09,317 --> 00:12:12,126 I said, “You make sure there's somewhere you can buy Kendal Mint Cake, 235 00:12:12,126 --> 00:12:14,562 “and a good bar of Wright's Coal Tar Soap, 236 00:12:14,562 --> 00:12:16,797 “because they've no idea down there.” 237 00:12:16,797 --> 00:12:20,880 Well, I mean, fancy ideas and tropical mixed croutons are all very well, 238 00:12:20,880 --> 00:12:22,719 but they don't get the Vimto buttered, do they? 239 00:12:22,719 --> 00:12:24,957 For all your fine Italian red lettuce, 240 00:12:24,957 --> 00:12:27,880 which to my mind tastes as bitter as a Skipton wind. 241 00:12:28,956 --> 00:12:31,317 He said, “Aunty, I'll be fine.” 242 00:12:31,527 --> 00:12:33,882 Well, of course, I didn't know him when he came back, 243 00:12:33,882 --> 00:12:36,800 green corduroy jacket, duffel coat, 244 00:12:36,800 --> 00:12:39,276 horn-rimmed spectacles he could eat parsley out of, 245 00:12:39,276 --> 00:12:41,801 and a head crammed with I don't know what. 246 00:12:41,801 --> 00:12:43,957 And books, you've never seen so many, 247 00:12:43,957 --> 00:12:46,641 some of them that dirty, I blushed to the roots of my Playtex. 248 00:12:46,641 --> 00:12:50,561 I said “Those books are going straight into the Hotpoint, and no buts.” 249 00:12:50,561 --> 00:12:52,001 Came up lovely, they did. 250 00:12:52,001 --> 00:12:55,557 Amazing what a bit of Lenor can do, if you've a mind. 251 00:12:55,557 --> 00:12:59,526 No, but that Oxford, and his smart friends, they've changed him. 252 00:12:59,847 --> 00:13:01,405 Ideas, that's what it is. 253 00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:04,843 I said, “What use is ideas when you've a capon to baste 254 00:13:04,843 --> 00:13:06,485 “and the telly man's due any minute?” 255 00:13:06,485 --> 00:13:09,081 “Name an idea,” I said, 256 00:13:09,081 --> 00:13:10,839 “that can get the front steps scrubbed, 257 00:13:10,839 --> 00:13:12,963 “the sausages pricked, and the navel oranges squeezed 258 00:13:12,963 --> 00:13:15,322 “in time for a meat tea and finger buffet.” 259 00:13:15,322 --> 00:13:17,563 He didn't know which way to look. 260 00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:19,366 These Oxford types, 261 00:13:19,366 --> 00:13:22,962 they're all apricot facial scrub, and yesterday's suet turnover. 262 00:13:22,962 --> 00:13:25,436 To look at them, you'd think a packet of Batchelor's Savoury Rice 263 00:13:25,436 --> 00:13:28,644 wouldn't melt in their Vosene Medicated, but they've no savvy. 264 00:13:29,007 --> 00:13:31,567 I could take a Black and Decker nose drill to the pack of them, 265 00:13:31,567 --> 00:13:34,957 and still have change left over for a bag of peanut brittle. 266 00:13:36,567 --> 00:13:38,239 Left home, of course, 267 00:13:38,239 --> 00:13:40,602 got involved with the BBC, 268 00:13:40,602 --> 00:13:42,882 all party eggs and tomato chutney. 269 00:13:43,207 --> 00:13:45,038 Next thing I know, he's got a damehood, 270 00:13:45,038 --> 00:13:47,846 and a brand new Hostess Trolley to show for it. 271 00:13:47,846 --> 00:13:50,435 They'll fall for anything, them Londoners. 272 00:13:50,435 --> 00:13:53,798 Well, I'm off down to Morrisons for a jar of melon lip balm, 273 00:13:53,798 --> 00:13:55,878 and four pack of inter-uterine devices. 274 00:13:55,878 --> 00:13:59,596 I've got that Pat Routledge round for elocution lessons at 12:00. 275 00:13:59,596 --> 00:14:00,676 Ta-ra. 276 00:14:01,687 --> 00:14:04,884 Yeah, I'll always remember this, my father's advice to me was, 277 00:14:04,884 --> 00:14:08,118 “Neither a borrower, nor a git be.” 278 00:14:10,007 --> 00:14:12,567 Well, if people wanna be right-wing 279 00:14:12,567 --> 00:14:15,684 and nationalistic and bigoted, then let them go and live in Russia. 280 00:14:15,684 --> 00:14:17,166 That's what I say. 281 00:14:17,487 --> 00:14:20,479 Okay, so, you know, you say get rid of the Queen. 282 00:14:20,479 --> 00:14:22,159 You say get rid of the royal family. 283 00:14:22,159 --> 00:14:25,045 But, I mean, what are they gonna put on the stamps, hmm? 284 00:14:25,045 --> 00:14:28,961 Desmond Lynam? Mike Smith? You know, I mean… 285 00:14:29,287 --> 00:14:33,485 I'm gonna have to turn Mike Smith over and give him a licking every time I want to send a letter? 286 00:14:33,485 --> 00:14:35,876 People don't think these things through, do they? 287 00:14:35,876 --> 00:14:39,880 Ladies and gentlemen, a bit of a shadow has been cast over the show this evening. 288 00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:42,640 My colleague, Hugh, has received a death threat. 289 00:14:42,640 --> 00:14:45,002 That's right, it arrived this morning, 290 00:14:45,527 --> 00:14:48,041 and it's addressed to “Dear Sir or Madam”. 291 00:14:48,327 --> 00:14:49,806 It goes like this: 292 00:14:50,647 --> 00:14:53,719 “You are a cow son, bastard-sucking mental. 293 00:14:55,247 --> 00:14:58,478 “You die heavily in wet throat-ripping, everywhere. 294 00:14:58,478 --> 00:15:00,637 “Don't like the Queen, this country.” 295 00:15:00,637 --> 00:15:01,876 Spelt wrong. 296 00:15:02,407 --> 00:15:05,524 “For tear-out lungs, and replace with portable clothes.” 297 00:15:05,524 --> 00:15:07,484 Brackets, “Yes, please”, brackets. 298 00:15:07,484 --> 00:15:09,637 “National service, who is she? 299 00:15:09,847 --> 00:15:14,204 “Stripping scrotum through eerie, leery pastures of deep smell.” 300 00:15:15,647 --> 00:15:17,877 Pretty upsetting, as you can imagine. 301 00:15:18,247 --> 00:15:21,159 I've tried to persuade my colleague to take this threat seriously, 302 00:15:21,159 --> 00:15:23,442 but he insists on carrying on as if nothing has happened. 303 00:15:23,442 --> 00:15:26,678 Yeah, well, you see, I take the view that if you give in to these people, then, 304 00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,645 then you've given in, you know. 305 00:15:29,645 --> 00:15:31,917 Yes, but at the very least, my colleague, 306 00:15:31,917 --> 00:15:33,998 I don't think it's safe for you to do your song this evening. 307 00:15:33,998 --> 00:15:36,362 Well, you see, if I don't do my song, then he's won, 308 00:15:36,362 --> 00:15:39,280 and democracy might as well just take an early shower. Really. 309 00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:43,155 Yes, but whoever he is, this “M Pontillo”, 310 00:15:43,155 --> 00:15:45,283 I mean, he might, I don't know… 311 00:15:45,283 --> 00:15:48,325 He might be in the audience now, armed. 312 00:15:48,325 --> 00:15:50,682 Oh, but, you see, someone's got to take a stand. 313 00:15:50,682 --> 00:15:54,885 Look, my colleague, I think we would all understand if you didn't do your song. 314 00:15:54,885 --> 00:15:59,324 You know, this Pontillo could be in the piano with a mobile rocket launcher for all we know. 315 00:15:59,527 --> 00:16:02,200 My colleague, you must not sing tonight! 316 00:16:02,407 --> 00:16:03,635 What a… What a sweet man. 317 00:16:03,635 --> 00:16:07,959 My colleague, I appreciate what you're trying to do, you know, and I'm really touched by it, 318 00:16:07,959 --> 00:16:10,003 but my face is made up. 319 00:16:10,247 --> 00:16:11,236 For evil… 320 00:16:11,567 --> 00:16:14,957 For evil to flourish, all that is required is for good men to spout clichés. 321 00:16:14,957 --> 00:16:16,241 I'm going on. 322 00:16:17,562 --> 00:16:20,605 Well, ladies and, in a broader sense, gentlemen, as you've heard, 323 00:16:20,605 --> 00:16:24,646 my colleague has bravely decided to do his song this evening. 324 00:16:25,207 --> 00:16:29,120 That's 30 pence postage and package down the bloody drain, isn't it? 325 00:16:38,087 --> 00:16:41,124 ♫ Well, I don't mind being lonely 326 00:16:44,727 --> 00:16:47,639 ♫ I don't mind being poor 327 00:16:51,287 --> 00:16:55,644 ♫ What I mind is being misunderstood 328 00:16:57,927 --> 00:17:01,556 ♫ I can't take it any more 329 00:17:04,567 --> 00:17:07,604 ♫ You may say that I'm a loser 330 00:17:11,247 --> 00:17:14,444 ♫ And I won't say that that ain't true 331 00:17:17,607 --> 00:17:20,838 ♫ But if you say once more that I'm a Hoover 332 00:17:24,127 --> 00:17:27,358 ♫ Then, baby, I'm gonna have to disagree with you 333 00:17:31,007 --> 00:17:34,443 ♫ Too many times I've been called a garage 334 00:17:37,527 --> 00:17:40,724 ♫ More than once, I've been termed a hat 335 00:17:43,927 --> 00:17:47,203 ♫ For more than a year I lived in your pocket 336 00:17:50,367 --> 00:17:53,996 ♫ While you thought I was the key to your flat 337 00:17:57,247 --> 00:18:00,239 ♫ Now I'm saying that that's all over 338 00:18:03,567 --> 00:18:06,445 ♫ I got to stand up for what I am 339 00:18:10,207 --> 00:18:13,279 ♫ So from now on I want you to call me 340 00:18:15,247 --> 00:18:16,965 ♫ Just call me 341 00:18:17,927 --> 00:18:22,239 ♫ Whenever you can ♫ 342 00:18:41,647 --> 00:18:45,481 My wife was pulled down the other day, and rebuilt, just north of Leicester. 343 00:18:46,247 --> 00:18:47,726 Road-widening scheme? 344 00:18:48,796 --> 00:18:53,722 Road-widening scheme? I said, “Country-narrowing scheme, more like.” 345 00:18:54,847 --> 00:18:57,566 Country-narrowing scheme, think about it, yeah. 346 00:19:02,727 --> 00:19:03,876 Blimey. 347 00:19:05,487 --> 00:19:08,718 Well, bit of a surprise piece of news here, we don't normally do news stories, 348 00:19:08,718 --> 00:19:12,163 but this one does seem fairly major, it'd be silly to ignore it. 349 00:19:12,163 --> 00:19:14,363 According to a Reuters newsflash, 350 00:19:14,567 --> 00:19:19,004 the British Government has apparently just been bought by Honda. 351 00:19:20,207 --> 00:19:22,163 The deal went through in the early hours of this morning. 352 00:19:22,163 --> 00:19:23,646 According to Reuters, 353 00:19:23,646 --> 00:19:27,515 Honda fought off rival bids from Unilever and the John Lewis group, 354 00:19:29,087 --> 00:19:32,636 and is believed to have paid upwards of 400 million 355 00:19:32,636 --> 00:19:34,797 for the troubled democracy giant. 356 00:19:35,447 --> 00:19:39,076 I think, in fact, we can go over. We've got some… Yes, that's right, that's, um… 357 00:19:40,196 --> 00:19:42,755 That's Nigel Pargetter there. No relation. 358 00:19:42,755 --> 00:19:45,315 Deputy Director of the Board of Trade, I think he's about to… 359 00:19:45,315 --> 00:19:46,965 -We believe that this was a fair price… -Yes. 360 00:19:46,965 --> 00:19:50,278 …and that the British tax payer has got a good deal, here. 361 00:19:50,278 --> 00:19:51,641 -Honda, had… -Yeah, but does this mean… 362 00:19:51,641 --> 00:19:55,800 If you'll just let me finish. Honda have given us satisfactory undertakings, to the effect that 363 00:19:55,800 --> 00:20:00,483 they will make no massive changes to the structure of government, for at least six months, 364 00:20:00,483 --> 00:20:03,035 and that their only real social alterations 365 00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:06,403 involve converting Wales into a seven-million-hole golf course 366 00:20:06,403 --> 00:20:08,955 and the replacement of all houses and flats in Great Britain 367 00:20:08,955 --> 00:20:10,241 with Perspex living pods. 368 00:20:10,241 --> 00:20:12,921 -Have you tried… -Yes, I have tried one of the pods myself, 369 00:20:12,921 --> 00:20:15,475 -and believe me, they are extremely… -What about unemployment? 370 00:20:15,475 --> 00:20:17,956 Oh, what about unemployment! 371 00:20:17,956 --> 00:20:20,481 You people are obsessed, aren't you, hmm? 372 00:20:20,481 --> 00:20:22,523 Every time a new idea comes along, 373 00:20:22,523 --> 00:20:25,405 some change, which might do this country a bit of good, 374 00:20:25,405 --> 00:20:27,682 it's always, “What about unemployment?” 375 00:20:27,682 --> 00:20:30,281 Change the bleeding record, can't you. 376 00:20:30,281 --> 00:20:32,927 Yes, there will be some unemployment. 377 00:20:33,527 --> 00:20:37,122 Honda have pointed out, for example, that we do not, perhaps, necessarily need 378 00:20:37,122 --> 00:20:39,482 up to 625 Members of Parliament 379 00:20:39,482 --> 00:20:43,606 in the House of Commons. They are investing in a new laser-operated governing system. 380 00:20:43,606 --> 00:20:45,086 So, this country will have no elected… 381 00:20:45,086 --> 00:20:49,445 Oh, just rejoice, can't you? This is good news for Britain. 382 00:20:49,445 --> 00:20:52,280 Hmm? This is a vote of confidence in our country. 383 00:20:52,280 --> 00:20:54,961 It just proves what this government has maintained all along, 384 00:20:54,961 --> 00:20:57,720 that we are an attractive proposition for our customers. 385 00:20:57,720 --> 00:21:00,480 This is a good deal for Britain, a good deal. 386 00:21:00,927 --> 00:21:02,201 A good deal. 387 00:21:02,201 --> 00:21:04,243 This is a good deal for Britain. 388 00:21:04,527 --> 00:21:06,199 This is a good deal. 389 00:21:06,607 --> 00:21:10,600 This is good… G-O-O-D, D-E-A-L, for Britain. 390 00:21:10,600 --> 00:21:12,882 This is a good deal. Good deal for Britain. 391 00:21:12,882 --> 00:21:15,686 This is a good deal. Good deal. 392 00:21:16,927 --> 00:21:19,361 Yes, well, I think I ought to say at this point, 393 00:21:19,361 --> 00:21:21,085 that that was all made up. 394 00:21:21,327 --> 00:21:23,124 Honda haven't really bought the British Government. 395 00:21:23,124 --> 00:21:25,084 It's a completely silly idea. 396 00:21:26,687 --> 00:21:28,325 Or is it? 397 00:21:32,527 --> 00:21:35,087 Yes, I suppose in many ways, 398 00:21:36,047 --> 00:21:38,117 people might consider us lucky. 399 00:21:39,567 --> 00:21:42,764 You know, they think we have rather a privileged lifestyle here. 400 00:21:42,764 --> 00:21:47,443 But you see, actually, Hartington Castle isn't mine, doesn't belong to me. 401 00:21:47,443 --> 00:21:48,960 Yes, it does. 402 00:21:49,287 --> 00:21:51,847 Uh, yes, it does. I mean, it does. 403 00:21:51,847 --> 00:21:54,600 It does belong to me, in that sense. Yes, I own it. 404 00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:57,326 But actually I prefer to think that I borrowed it. 405 00:21:57,326 --> 00:21:59,523 -Who from? -From my children. 406 00:21:59,927 --> 00:22:01,076 That's rather lovely. 407 00:22:01,076 --> 00:22:02,196 Mmm. Mmm. 408 00:22:02,196 --> 00:22:03,959 You see, really, it's just a trust, 409 00:22:03,959 --> 00:22:05,844 it's a sacred trust. 410 00:22:07,167 --> 00:22:10,842 I'm just a bloody caretaker, really, just a bloody old caretaker. 411 00:22:11,447 --> 00:22:15,884 Well, you see, that's the challenge, isn't it? You see, one's descendents… 412 00:22:16,887 --> 00:22:20,846 See, the way I look at it is, if my ancestors, my bloody old ancestors, 413 00:22:20,846 --> 00:22:23,043 mostly a load of old crooks, if the truth be told, 414 00:22:23,043 --> 00:22:24,640 if they could, you know, 415 00:22:24,640 --> 00:22:28,925 keep this thing going, then it's the least… The least I can do. 416 00:22:29,687 --> 00:22:32,918 Now this is what I was going to show you, this is very interesting. 417 00:22:32,918 --> 00:22:37,558 This bed, I think, was laid out by, I think it was the third duke. 418 00:22:37,807 --> 00:22:40,799 These things were very much the thing then, of course. 419 00:22:41,207 --> 00:22:42,959 Now, what he discovered, 420 00:22:42,959 --> 00:22:46,596 was that this was all the wrong kind of soil, apparently. 421 00:22:46,596 --> 00:22:49,997 So, what he did, well, you see, they thought big in those days, 422 00:22:50,527 --> 00:22:56,204 was that he transported 400-weight of the right type of soil, 423 00:22:56,567 --> 00:22:58,398 from all the way over there. 424 00:22:59,527 --> 00:23:02,121 Got a lot of locals in to do it, the whole village turned up. 425 00:23:02,121 --> 00:23:04,596 He stood them cider and badger cakes afterwards. 426 00:23:04,596 --> 00:23:06,643 Ah, but you see, they had vision in those days. 427 00:23:06,643 --> 00:23:09,719 If I tried to do something like that now, well, they'd probably call me crackers, 428 00:23:09,719 --> 00:23:13,243 and have me locked up and sowing potatoes, as soon as look at me. 429 00:23:13,527 --> 00:23:15,961 But it's rather fun. Rather fun. 430 00:23:16,687 --> 00:23:20,475 Well, yes, a certain amount of pressure is brought to bear in the matter of children. 431 00:23:20,475 --> 00:23:23,718 Obviously, I've got to provide an heir to take over this lot 432 00:23:23,718 --> 00:23:27,038 when I'm dead and gone, and buried, and… 433 00:23:27,527 --> 00:23:29,040 No longer alive. 434 00:23:29,967 --> 00:23:32,401 Mary does most of the work there, actually. 435 00:23:32,401 --> 00:23:35,638 It's something of a tradition in our family, 436 00:23:35,638 --> 00:23:39,720 that the wife actually carries the child in her stomach before it's born. 437 00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:42,162 I let Mary look after that side of things, 438 00:23:42,162 --> 00:23:44,397 and absolutely wonderful she is at it, too. 439 00:23:44,967 --> 00:23:48,277 Can't stand most of the children, in fact, great ugly things. 440 00:23:48,647 --> 00:23:50,558 You know, take up an enormous amount of room, 441 00:23:50,558 --> 00:23:55,516 and cost a devil of an amount to heat and keep free from damp. 442 00:23:55,847 --> 00:23:58,566 But, you know, it's all part of the job. 443 00:23:59,607 --> 00:24:01,882 You don't get a grant for it, or anything. 444 00:24:02,887 --> 00:24:05,196 You know, I call it “the job”. 445 00:24:05,927 --> 00:24:08,885 You know, most people probably imagine being a duke is just 446 00:24:08,885 --> 00:24:12,118 one long run of parties and fête openings, and so on. 447 00:24:12,118 --> 00:24:14,243 I mean, to me it is just a job, like any other. 448 00:24:14,243 --> 00:24:17,444 You know, like everyone else, I have to get up at 10:00, 449 00:24:17,444 --> 00:24:20,479 I have to put on my own clothes, as they've been laid out. 450 00:24:20,479 --> 00:24:23,365 I come down to breakfast, just like any person would. 451 00:24:23,365 --> 00:24:25,324 -Peter Ferris has died. -Oh, good. 452 00:24:25,324 --> 00:24:28,160 Then I might talk to the estate manager about the farm, 453 00:24:28,160 --> 00:24:30,602 discuss the state of the cupboards with my gamekeepers, 454 00:24:30,602 --> 00:24:33,599 and Mary and I will run over the events for the day. 455 00:24:33,599 --> 00:24:36,963 Who's coming to dinner, what menus we should arrange with the kitchens, and so on. 456 00:24:36,963 --> 00:24:39,959 It's really no different from being you know, a coal welder, 457 00:24:39,959 --> 00:24:41,924 or floor walker at your local ASDA. 458 00:24:41,924 --> 00:24:45,238 Of course, we absolutely must do something about the May Day Claimings. 459 00:24:45,238 --> 00:24:47,124 -Oh, has that come round again? -Mmm. 460 00:24:47,124 --> 00:24:50,483 One rather charming custom around here, 461 00:24:50,483 --> 00:24:55,203 in the local neighbourhood that surrounds the immediate 462 00:24:55,203 --> 00:24:58,996 environs of this nearby area, locally, in this vicinity, 463 00:24:59,527 --> 00:25:02,724 is the May Day Claimings, so called. 464 00:25:03,727 --> 00:25:06,241 Mary and I feel a great responsibility 465 00:25:06,727 --> 00:25:09,287 to keep up with these sort of local customs. 466 00:25:09,287 --> 00:25:12,120 -Otherwise, one can so easily lose touch. -That's right, I… 467 00:25:12,120 --> 00:25:15,995 When I married Charles, he warned me that what he calls his job 468 00:25:16,567 --> 00:25:19,320 does entail a great deal of public duty and responsibility, 469 00:25:19,320 --> 00:25:21,398 and I was always very keen to share that with him. 470 00:25:21,398 --> 00:25:25,844 Yes, the idea of the Claimings, is that I have to choose 471 00:25:25,844 --> 00:25:30,404 a young girl to lead the Mayday procession through the village. 472 00:25:30,847 --> 00:25:33,122 -She must be no older than… -16. 473 00:25:33,122 --> 00:25:36,085 16, that's right, and no younger than 14. 474 00:25:36,367 --> 00:25:40,201 And she's Queen of the May for the day, I have to crown her. 475 00:25:40,407 --> 00:25:43,843 And then, after the maypole dancing, and all that sort of palaver, 476 00:25:43,843 --> 00:25:47,044 I have to take her off to the dungeons in the old part of the castle, 477 00:25:47,044 --> 00:25:49,163 -and privately violate her. -Mmm. 478 00:25:49,647 --> 00:25:50,875 Yes, we all… 479 00:25:50,875 --> 00:25:55,478 We always have great fun, don't we, at choosing the girls for the Claimings? It's… 480 00:25:56,007 --> 00:25:58,965 I suppose, it's one of those silly English customs 481 00:25:58,965 --> 00:26:01,561 whose origins are lost in the mists of… 482 00:26:01,807 --> 00:26:03,559 Of which we get rather a lot, round here. 483 00:26:03,559 --> 00:26:05,956 But it would be a shame to lose contact with history, wouldn't it? 484 00:26:05,956 --> 00:26:08,766 That's right. It derives, I think, 485 00:26:09,567 --> 00:26:12,957 from sometime in the '70s, when my father thought 486 00:26:12,957 --> 00:26:16,926 that violating a young girl from the village would be rather a good idea. 487 00:26:17,727 --> 00:26:19,763 Though some people think it goes as far back as 1968. 488 00:26:19,763 --> 00:26:22,486 -'68, yeah. Yeah. -That's right, yes. Can't really be sure. 489 00:26:22,486 --> 00:26:25,957 But it's all great fun, though. And though I usually dread it 490 00:26:25,957 --> 00:26:28,003 when it's upcoming, 491 00:26:28,003 --> 00:26:31,841 I always throw myself into the spirit of the thing, and usually end up having a damn good time. 492 00:26:31,841 --> 00:26:32,916 Mmm. 493 00:26:39,036 --> 00:26:41,322 Well, my colleague, 494 00:26:41,322 --> 00:26:44,524 1,740 seconds have elapsed 495 00:26:44,524 --> 00:26:47,041 since first we welcomed the viewing several 496 00:26:47,041 --> 00:26:50,517 into our lives for another evening of entertainment and hatred. 497 00:26:50,517 --> 00:26:54,202 My colleague, you've opened your mouth, and a great truth has come out. 498 00:26:54,202 --> 00:26:58,121 I'll save you embarrassment by pretending you never said that, or anything like it. 499 00:26:58,121 --> 00:26:59,925 He's firm, but he's fair. 500 00:27:00,447 --> 00:27:03,883 In the great sandwich of broadcasting, we at A Bit of Fry and Laurie 501 00:27:03,883 --> 00:27:06,435 are perhaps but a thin slice of turkey breast. 502 00:27:06,435 --> 00:27:08,643 We nourish, but we don't cause wind. 503 00:27:10,327 --> 00:27:14,002 -I could have put it better myself. -What's more, he could, too. He could. 504 00:27:14,002 --> 00:27:17,204 So now, my colleague, we have to sweep up the broken shards 505 00:27:17,204 --> 00:27:19,084 and decaying lumps of the evening, 506 00:27:19,084 --> 00:27:21,840 gather them into an old towel, and heave them over the side. 507 00:27:21,840 --> 00:27:23,360 Fair breaks your heart, doesn't it? 508 00:27:23,360 --> 00:27:26,883 I turn to you, my colleague, and I ask you to gaze down at the drinks menu 509 00:27:26,883 --> 00:27:29,606 and fix us a debonair cocktail selection. 510 00:27:29,847 --> 00:27:32,486 Ooh, well, now, this is a difficult choice. 511 00:27:32,927 --> 00:27:34,997 Choose carefully, my colleague, 512 00:27:34,997 --> 00:27:38,682 one choice brings certain death, the other freedom. 513 00:27:40,287 --> 00:27:41,515 Well, now, 514 00:27:41,807 --> 00:27:44,116 you'd expect me to choose the Silver Prostate, 515 00:27:44,116 --> 00:27:46,846 but then you'd know that I'd know that you'd expect that. 516 00:27:46,846 --> 00:27:50,602 So really I should choose the Boiling Idiot, but the Boiling Idiot's got Campari in it, 517 00:27:50,602 --> 00:27:52,723 and he knows that I hate Campari, so… 518 00:27:52,723 --> 00:27:55,401 -So? -So it will be the Silver Prostate. 519 00:27:55,401 --> 00:27:56,522 Ha! 520 00:27:56,522 --> 00:27:58,598 You have chosen wisely, little one. 521 00:27:58,598 --> 00:28:00,405 Yoda has taught you well. 522 00:28:01,647 --> 00:28:04,639 The Silver Prostate does indeed bring freedom. 523 00:28:04,639 --> 00:28:07,036 Now, to prepare a Silver Prostate at home, 524 00:28:07,036 --> 00:28:08,879 you will need seven of the following: 525 00:28:08,879 --> 00:28:12,039 a cocktail shaker, a cocktail-shaker shaker, that's me, 526 00:28:12,039 --> 00:28:14,766 a helping of Liquore Strega, 527 00:28:15,327 --> 00:28:19,764 an assistance of Parfait Amour, lovely purple, violet liqueur, there, 528 00:28:19,967 --> 00:28:22,606 a tit of Maker's Mark Bourbon, 529 00:28:23,207 --> 00:28:26,563 a rash of Bailey's Irish Cream to throw away, 530 00:28:27,127 --> 00:28:32,042 square lumps of frozen water, sculpted into the shape of ice cubes 531 00:28:33,287 --> 00:28:36,324 and a farewell from newsreader Andrew Harvey, 532 00:28:36,324 --> 00:28:38,318 digitally recorded off-air. 533 00:28:38,607 --> 00:28:42,282 That's the national and international news tonight, good night. 534 00:28:43,247 --> 00:28:47,126 While I mix these together, I turn to the debonair doyen of the dance, 535 00:28:47,126 --> 00:28:50,597 and I ask, as askingly as I might, this ask, 536 00:28:51,167 --> 00:28:53,635 please, Mr Music, will you play? 537 00:29:43,087 --> 00:29:44,839 Soupy twist.