1
00:00:04,047 --> 00:00:07,039
Between desire and reality.

2
00:00:07,927 --> 00:00:09,201
A bit.

3
00:00:09,201 --> 00:00:12,085
Between fact and breakfast,

4
00:00:12,967 --> 00:00:16,846
madness lies, lies, lies…

5
00:00:17,647 --> 00:00:18,796
A bit.

6
00:00:19,007 --> 00:00:22,363
I hate you, I hate you and yet…

7
00:00:22,807 --> 00:00:23,922
I hate you…

8
00:00:25,122 --> 00:00:29,485
As love, rage and aches of the ear.

9
00:00:34,727 --> 00:00:37,958
Pretension by Fry and Laurie.

10
00:00:45,567 --> 00:00:47,046
It's all over!

11
00:00:48,527 --> 00:00:50,483
It's all over, finished!

12
00:00:50,483 --> 00:00:54,356
Rotting away, finished,
the sands of time dribbling onto the floor!

13
00:00:54,356 --> 00:00:56,961
Decaying flesh, mortality, nothing!

14
00:00:56,961 --> 00:00:59,561
No sound, just a brief pinprick of light

15
00:00:59,561 --> 00:01:02,036
extinguished into a darkness for eternity!

16
00:01:02,036 --> 00:01:05,842
Maggots crawling through the eye sockets
of maggots, crawling through eye sockets.

17
00:01:05,842 --> 00:01:09,317
Nothing but… Nothing but dried blood,
and just a faint smell.

18
00:01:09,317 --> 00:01:11,836
It's the end. It's over!

19
00:01:13,007 --> 00:01:17,523
Yes. What my colleague is trying to say,
is that this is the last in the current series

20
00:01:17,523 --> 00:01:19,677
of A Bit of Fry and Laurie,

21
00:01:19,677 --> 00:01:23,840
and that he's sorry it's over,
and he's very grateful
to you for allowing him into his home.

22
00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:25,997
That's right. It's a very nice home.
Thank you very much.

23
00:01:25,997 --> 00:01:29,636
I love what you've done with it.
I think you're right to leave
the coffee table where it is.

24
00:01:29,636 --> 00:01:33,003
If it is a coffee table, some of you
prefer a tea table, I know. Whatever.

25
00:01:33,003 --> 00:01:36,284
Whatever. This is, as I say, the last
in the current series of Fry and Laurie.

26
00:01:36,284 --> 00:01:41,043
And last shows, traditionally at the BBC,
are allowed two bottles of
champagne-style fluid,

27
00:01:41,043 --> 00:01:43,004
to be distributed unequally
amongst the audience.

28
00:01:43,004 --> 00:01:45,601
-My colleague, would you care to do the honours?
-Certainly will.

29
00:01:45,601 --> 00:01:49,999
There's a… There's a mean streak inside you,
isn't there?

30
00:01:49,999 --> 00:01:52,965
-There is, actually, quite a mean streak, yes.
-Yes, a very wide one.

31
00:01:52,965 --> 00:01:56,039
Yes, hardly room for my body either side of it.

32
00:01:56,039 --> 00:01:58,960
However, that's enough verbal rimming
for the moment.

33
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:01,607
Time now to introduce our most very honoured,

34
00:02:01,607 --> 00:02:04,155
guest-style units onto the show.

35
00:02:04,487 --> 00:02:09,402
And, you know, first out of the guest box
is a woman of great distinction.

36
00:02:09,402 --> 00:02:12,445
She served 12 years in the rank
of Lieutenant Colonel

37
00:02:12,445 --> 00:02:14,802
in Iraq's elite Republican Guard,

38
00:02:15,287 --> 00:02:17,881
before pitching her tent in
the Vale of Tharkston,

39
00:02:17,881 --> 00:02:21,926
where she makes some of the most
revolting marmalade I've ever seen.

40
00:02:21,926 --> 00:02:26,717
Ladies and gentlemen, will you please make
a clapping-style noise for Janine Duvitski.

41
00:02:35,047 --> 00:02:37,242
Janine, Janine, Janine.

42
00:02:39,367 --> 00:02:43,963
Janine, you look old, tired, badly dressed
and in a hell of a state, generally.

43
00:02:43,963 --> 00:02:46,436
-How do you feel?
-Fine, thank you, Stephen.

44
00:02:46,436 --> 00:02:48,324
-Oh, well, that's good to hear.
-Janine, Janine, I…

45
00:02:48,324 --> 00:02:50,875
There's something I've been
absolutely dying to ask you

46
00:02:50,875 --> 00:02:55,006
ever since I heard you were coming on the show.
What's Tommy Steele really like?

47
00:02:55,006 --> 00:02:56,281
Tommy Steele?

48
00:02:56,281 --> 00:02:58,323
I believe that's what I said.

49
00:02:58,767 --> 00:03:01,156
I don't know. I've never met him.

50
00:03:04,127 --> 00:03:05,196
I'm sorry?

51
00:03:05,196 --> 00:03:07,357
I've never met Tommy Steele.

52
00:03:07,687 --> 00:03:10,645
-Yes, well, never mind that…
-No, no, no. Hold on. Hold on.

53
00:03:10,645 --> 00:03:14,037
I want to get this straight.
You're saying you've never met Tommy Steele?

54
00:03:14,037 --> 00:03:15,162
No.

55
00:03:18,087 --> 00:03:19,315
Unbelievable.

56
00:03:20,047 --> 00:03:23,244
Well, no time for recriminations, Hugh.
Got to look to the future.

57
00:03:23,244 --> 00:03:24,965
Oh! Is there one?

58
00:03:25,807 --> 00:03:27,320
Get on with it.

59
00:03:28,207 --> 00:03:30,675
Right. Okay. Well, it now falls to me

60
00:03:30,675 --> 00:03:34,646
to pull open the drawer marked “Socks,
Underpants and International Superstars,”

61
00:03:34,646 --> 00:03:37,924
and pull out our next guest.
He's a man of distinction,

62
00:03:37,924 --> 00:03:41,477
three-times winner
of the Benson & Hedges smoking competition.

63
00:03:42,367 --> 00:03:47,157
He's got three convictions for shoplifting,
and 17 for aggravated assault,

64
00:03:47,157 --> 00:03:48,805
as well as a huge collection of skin.

65
00:03:48,805 --> 00:03:49,956
It is of course, Robert Daws.

66
00:03:49,956 --> 00:03:51,400
Oh, fantastic!

67
00:03:55,127 --> 00:03:56,355
Welcome.

68
00:04:04,847 --> 00:04:09,079
Robert, Robert.
It's lovely to have you with us.

69
00:04:09,079 --> 00:04:11,920
Now, tell me, tell me.
Have you met Tommy Steele?

70
00:04:13,647 --> 00:04:15,365
-No.
-Why not?

71
00:04:16,407 --> 00:04:18,363
Well, I don't know, I just never have.

72
00:04:18,363 --> 00:04:20,881
“I don't know, I just never have.”

73
00:04:20,881 --> 00:04:22,286
Yes, well, never mind…

74
00:04:22,286 --> 00:04:23,006
Jesus!

75
00:04:24,567 --> 00:04:28,958
Right. Well, with the time fast approaching
Crewe Junction, the driver dead,

76
00:04:28,958 --> 00:04:32,164
the brake hoses rotted through
by years of government neglect,

77
00:04:32,164 --> 00:04:36,081
it's time to pack our comedy tote bags,
bung a couple of condoms into the hip pocket,

78
00:04:36,081 --> 00:04:37,520
and head for sketch land.

79
00:04:39,247 --> 00:04:43,525
Tony Radcliffe is headmaster
of Lanark Primary School in Thurloe.

80
00:04:43,525 --> 00:04:48,044
The school has 84 pupils of mixed race,
religion, gender and shoe size.

81
00:04:49,047 --> 00:04:50,685
Mickey, don't do that. Cheers, mate.

82
00:04:50,685 --> 00:04:54,885
So, how does he deal with religious instruction
at the school's morning assembly?

83
00:05:00,327 --> 00:05:04,206
♫ We worship you, O god of gods

84
00:05:04,807 --> 00:05:08,163
♫ Whoever you may be

85
00:05:09,127 --> 00:05:13,200
♫ We realise that you operate

86
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:16,878
♫ Supernaturally

87
00:05:17,367 --> 00:05:21,519
♫ We thank you for the birds and bees

88
00:05:21,519 --> 00:05:25,202
♫ For creatures live or dead

89
00:05:25,847 --> 00:05:30,125
♫ But if you actually don't exist

90
00:05:30,125 --> 00:05:34,598
♫ Then ignore what we've just said

91
00:05:35,407 --> 00:05:36,127
♫ Ah ♫

92
00:05:43,167 --> 00:05:46,762
Well, what I've tried to do,
or, well, what we've tried to do, I should say,

93
00:05:46,762 --> 00:05:49,202
is to develop a religious agenda

94
00:05:49,202 --> 00:05:51,881
that serves the needs of the kids
in a very real sense.

95
00:05:51,881 --> 00:05:56,119
You must understand that we've got here, um…
We've got Jewish kids,

96
00:05:56,119 --> 00:06:00,365
we've got Buddhist kids, Hindu kids,
Muslim kids, Christian kids,

97
00:06:00,967 --> 00:06:04,403
atheistic kids, agnostic kids.
What they've all got in common,

98
00:06:04,403 --> 00:06:06,318
-is that they're all…
-Kids?

99
00:06:06,318 --> 00:06:09,080
Exactly. Exactly. Now that's very important.

100
00:06:09,080 --> 00:06:12,557
So, obviously,
any religious package that we offer

101
00:06:13,127 --> 00:06:18,076
must take account of all those differences
under a basic overarching umbrella.

102
00:06:24,847 --> 00:06:27,077
Sorry. I don't know what happened there.

103
00:06:27,077 --> 00:06:29,806
So, how do you manage this, in fact?

104
00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:32,276
How do you accommodate all these differences?

105
00:06:32,276 --> 00:06:33,482
Okay.

106
00:06:34,567 --> 00:06:38,765
What we've done is to sweep away
all the old divisions,

107
00:06:39,247 --> 00:06:43,479
and basically invent an entirely new religion.

108
00:06:43,479 --> 00:06:44,602
A new religion?

109
00:06:44,602 --> 00:06:47,520
That's right. It's a kind of
religious Esperanto, if you like.

110
00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:49,165
Nope. I don't think I do.

111
00:06:49,165 --> 00:06:52,557
Right. Well, we've called this religion
Lip Whip Whip Whip.

112
00:06:52,557 --> 00:06:54,717
“Lip Whip Whip Whip”?

113
00:06:55,687 --> 00:06:57,882
And that's the name of your god, is it?

114
00:06:57,882 --> 00:07:02,563
Uh, no, no. There is no one single god
in Lip Whip Whip Whip.

115
00:07:02,563 --> 00:07:04,717
So, it's a pantheon, is it?

116
00:07:05,167 --> 00:07:08,239
I prefer to call it a committee.

117
00:07:08,239 --> 00:07:11,444
It's a committee of gods.
There are eight voting members,

118
00:07:11,444 --> 00:07:15,361
and a non-executive chair
who rotates every four years.

119
00:07:15,361 --> 00:07:19,998
Mmm-hmm. And what do you worship
in Lip Whip Whip Whip?

120
00:07:19,998 --> 00:07:22,203
Okay. We worship air.

121
00:07:23,127 --> 00:07:26,244
We worship flexible work-share schemes,

122
00:07:26,567 --> 00:07:29,604
and we worship rounded corners on things.

123
00:07:29,604 --> 00:07:31,200
Why rounded corners?

124
00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:34,040
Well, they're a very important symbol

125
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,517
in Lip Whip… Lip Whip Whip…

126
00:07:36,517 --> 00:07:40,435
Luke, probably not a good idea. Cheers, mate.

127
00:07:41,887 --> 00:07:43,320
They're a very important symbol.

128
00:07:43,320 --> 00:07:47,446
The kids here worship the one
on the activity table in the art room.

129
00:07:47,446 --> 00:07:48,246
Om. Om. Om.

130
00:07:51,567 --> 00:07:55,401
Would you say, then, that Lip Whip Whip Whip
has been a success?

131
00:07:55,927 --> 00:07:58,999
I'll be as frank as I can.
We've had some problems, I'm afraid.

132
00:07:58,999 --> 00:08:00,122
Oh?

133
00:08:01,127 --> 00:08:02,765
Yeah. Um…

134
00:08:02,765 --> 00:08:09,195
Just yesterday, there was a kid
in Mrs Tremlow's 2APCVXBW class.

135
00:08:10,127 --> 00:08:12,561
Tristram. Funny kid.

136
00:08:12,887 --> 00:08:16,516
He decided to form a sect
that worshipped oblong surfaces.

137
00:08:16,516 --> 00:08:17,875
Oh, dear.

138
00:08:21,047 --> 00:08:24,562
Now, come on then, Tris.
I'm very disappointed. What are you?

139
00:08:25,087 --> 00:08:26,486
Hmm?

140
00:08:29,447 --> 00:08:31,881
-I'm a heretic.
-You're a heretic.

141
00:08:31,881 --> 00:08:35,516
Okay. Now, everybody, what do we think
about this? What shall we do with Tris?

142
00:08:35,516 --> 00:08:36,960
Burn him! Burn him!

143
00:08:36,960 --> 00:08:38,036
Burn him?

144
00:08:38,527 --> 00:08:39,516
Yes! Yes!

145
00:08:40,007 --> 00:08:43,556
Okay, okay. All right, then. That's settled.
Tris, we're going to burn you

146
00:08:43,556 --> 00:08:45,842
in the playground during morning break.

147
00:08:45,842 --> 00:08:48,805
Now then, Anna,
what's all this about you being a witch?

148
00:08:51,007 --> 00:08:55,444
See these? Plant one of these,
in about, oh, mid-July,

149
00:08:56,767 --> 00:08:58,997
a bit of water, bit of compost, bit of love.

150
00:09:01,247 --> 00:09:03,841
And about six months later,

151
00:09:03,841 --> 00:09:07,078
you've got a nine-lane motorway
running through your back garden.

152
00:09:07,078 --> 00:09:11,479
Yes, I always remember this spot
because it was right here…

153
00:09:11,767 --> 00:09:14,725
This was the very first time
that I saw my wife.

154
00:09:14,725 --> 00:09:16,957
I was standing absolutely here.

155
00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:21,404
And I remember thinking what an incredibly
tiny woman she was.

156
00:09:21,404 --> 00:09:23,000
Absolutely tiny. She was…

157
00:09:24,047 --> 00:09:26,766
about that size. Tiny little thing.

158
00:09:26,766 --> 00:09:30,920
It was only weeks later, as I got to know her,
that I realised that that was, of course,

159
00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:33,077
because she was a long way away.

160
00:09:33,847 --> 00:09:36,486
The things they say, eh? The things they say.

161
00:09:36,486 --> 00:09:41,243
My youngest, she said to me the other day,
she said, “Daddy, why are there wars?

162
00:09:41,243 --> 00:09:43,636
“Why do people kill each other and fight?”

163
00:09:43,636 --> 00:09:46,525
I said, “Rebecca, darling,

164
00:09:47,047 --> 00:09:50,483
“shut your face and watch the video,
or I'll belt you one.”

165
00:09:50,483 --> 00:09:54,958
Basically, I go around schools.
You know, I sit in with the kids,

166
00:09:56,527 --> 00:09:58,836
'cause I'm trying to learn French.

167
00:09:59,847 --> 00:10:03,203
-Are you gonna start then, Richard?
-Probably better if I start, Nick, yes.

168
00:10:03,203 --> 00:10:05,642
That way we can thrash out the position
in broad terms,

169
00:10:05,642 --> 00:10:07,803
-and then we'll know where we stand.
-That'll be the best way.

170
00:10:07,803 --> 00:10:10,037
-I think so, Nick. I really do.
-Go you on, then.

171
00:10:10,037 --> 00:10:12,721
Well, the position is that my client
wishes, in broad terms…

172
00:10:12,721 --> 00:10:15,321
-“Broad terms”?
-Broad terms at this stage, Nick, yes.

173
00:10:15,321 --> 00:10:17,079
I think we can thrash out specifics later.

174
00:10:17,079 --> 00:10:22,161
My client wishes to engage in a bout of
protracted sexual intercourse with your client.

175
00:10:22,161 --> 00:10:24,363
-Yeah. Can I just chip in here, Richard?
-Chip away, chip away.

176
00:10:24,363 --> 00:10:27,484
Probably gonna save a bit of time
if I tell you that my client is keen

177
00:10:27,484 --> 00:10:29,956
to proceed along the lines
of the standard pre-coital agreement,

178
00:10:29,956 --> 00:10:32,163
with just one or two riders and emendations.

179
00:10:32,163 --> 00:10:35,080
Ah, well, then, in that case,
my client is very anxious to expedite matters

180
00:10:35,080 --> 00:10:37,522
-as swiftly as possible.
-Yeah. How swiftly would that be, Richard?

181
00:10:37,522 --> 00:10:41,885
Well, my client was thinking in terms
of along the next half hour.

182
00:10:42,807 --> 00:10:46,720
Yes. My client would like it clearly understood
that she's not easy.

183
00:10:48,527 --> 00:10:51,803
Yes, my client is fully aware
that your client is not easy, Nick.

184
00:10:51,803 --> 00:10:55,243
In fact, he wishes me to stress
that he has enormous respect for your client

185
00:10:55,243 --> 00:10:58,797
as a woman, in a variety of personal,
non-sexual ways.

186
00:10:59,087 --> 00:11:01,282
My client is reassured
by your client's position.

187
00:11:01,282 --> 00:11:03,323
And I'd like to know
how your client intends to proceed.

188
00:11:03,323 --> 00:11:05,716
Well, my client was thinking in general terms

189
00:11:05,716 --> 00:11:10,085
of dinner at the Bombay Brasserie,
after which, at some mutually agreeable time,

190
00:11:10,085 --> 00:11:14,763
he would like to put his tongue inside your
client's mouth, and move it around slightly.

191
00:11:15,007 --> 00:11:17,441
That is more than acceptable to my client.

192
00:11:17,441 --> 00:11:21,680
My client then suggests putting a hand
up your client's skirt and having…

193
00:11:22,287 --> 00:11:23,925
a bit of an old feel.

194
00:11:24,367 --> 00:11:25,402
Mmm.

195
00:11:25,402 --> 00:11:27,762
Which hand would that be, Richard?

196
00:11:27,762 --> 00:11:30,077
My client has not yet decided on the hand.

197
00:11:30,077 --> 00:11:34,285
Okay. Well, that's fine. If you could just
fax us with that, when you get…

198
00:11:34,285 --> 00:11:38,883
No problem, no problem.
“Fax Nick which hand up skirt.”

199
00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:43,077
I should say that after your client
has put his hand up my client's skirt,

200
00:11:43,077 --> 00:11:45,635
my client reserves the right to moan slightly.

201
00:11:45,635 --> 00:11:49,276
I don't see a problem there. No, that's fine.

202
00:11:49,276 --> 00:11:52,723
Well, at this point, my client will suggest
that your client drives my client

203
00:11:52,723 --> 00:11:56,516
back to your client's flat,
where your client will play some James Taylor.

204
00:11:56,516 --> 00:12:00,725
Ah. My client doesn't have
any James Taylor at this stage,

205
00:12:00,725 --> 00:12:04,163
but he wonders if Art Garfunkel
might be an acceptable compromise.

206
00:12:04,807 --> 00:12:09,323
My client has indicated that Art Garfunkel
is definitely not acceptable,

207
00:12:10,007 --> 00:12:12,965
but would be prepared to consider Tom Waits.

208
00:12:13,407 --> 00:12:14,920
Excellent. Excellent.

209
00:12:14,920 --> 00:12:17,646
Moving on, my client would now like to insert…

210
00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:21,324
He would now like to insert a clause

211
00:12:21,324 --> 00:12:24,524
allowing him to spill wine
on your client's blouse,

212
00:12:24,524 --> 00:12:27,121
which he's then able to mop off gently
with a handkerchief,

213
00:12:27,121 --> 00:12:30,802
allowing him to brush your client's breasts
lightly as he does so.

214
00:12:31,167 --> 00:12:35,479
Yes. We feel that in the interests of
both parties, a white wine spritzer
should be specified.

215
00:12:35,479 --> 00:12:37,797
So, white wine spritzer, it is.

216
00:12:37,797 --> 00:12:40,879
My client wonders whether your client
is able to accommodate…

217
00:12:40,879 --> 00:12:42,002
Yes?

218
00:12:42,002 --> 00:12:47,207
…able to accommodate a gentle, circular
licking motion around the upper body.

219
00:12:48,087 --> 00:12:50,157
Perfectly acceptable, if my client would be

220
00:12:50,157 --> 00:12:52,317
permitted to gaze at the ceiling,
and say the words,

221
00:12:52,317 --> 00:12:56,480
-“Oh, God” and “Yes”.
-“Oh, God” and “Yes”.

222
00:12:56,480 --> 00:12:58,717
-Or “Yeah”.
-Or “Yeah”, yeah.

223
00:12:58,717 --> 00:13:01,321
Fine. Well, I think a move to the bedroom
seems to be indicated.

224
00:13:01,321 --> 00:13:05,400
Indeed. I should point out, however,
that my client is keen that this
engagement should run along

225
00:13:05,400 --> 00:13:07,000
orthodox lines from hereon in.

226
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:10,204
Ah. Would that preclude the use of salad items?

227
00:13:10,807 --> 00:13:12,001
I'm afraid so.

228
00:13:12,001 --> 00:13:13,679
Well, in that case, my client feels

229
00:13:13,679 --> 00:13:17,760
that matters can be brought
to a satisfactory conclusion in three minutes.

230
00:13:19,247 --> 00:13:22,444
Ah. Well, now my client feels that
that would be premature.

231
00:13:22,444 --> 00:13:25,286
We feel 10 minutes is more acceptable.

232
00:13:27,407 --> 00:13:29,602
What say we compromise with six?

233
00:13:29,602 --> 00:13:32,042
Six? Six. All right, six minutes, then.

234
00:13:32,042 --> 00:13:34,846
I think, hereafter,
we're back on standard contract territory.

235
00:13:34,846 --> 00:13:37,646
I assume your client will then roll over
and turn his back on my client.

236
00:13:37,646 --> 00:13:41,197
Oh, my client will most certainly do so, yes.
Your client will then attempt to hold him,

237
00:13:41,197 --> 00:13:42,845
and he will behave coldly towards her.

238
00:13:42,845 --> 00:13:47,364
Quite so. My client will feel spurned
and shamed, as your client refuses
to share the afterglow.

239
00:13:47,364 --> 00:13:51,201
Yes. My client will sneak into his clothes
at 5:00 in the morning, go to work early,

240
00:13:51,201 --> 00:13:53,357
leaving no note for your client.

241
00:13:53,357 --> 00:13:55,881
My client will feel immensely rejected
and angry at this.

242
00:13:55,881 --> 00:13:57,320
Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.

243
00:13:57,320 --> 00:13:59,762
My client will pick up the phone once
during the afternoon,

244
00:13:59,762 --> 00:14:02,805
but fail to go through with the call,
after which he'll never be in touch again.

245
00:14:02,805 --> 00:14:06,846
Mmm-hmm. My client will, from hereafter,
refer to your client as “that bastard”.

246
00:14:07,247 --> 00:14:11,081
Absolutely. If my client meets your client
at a party, he will blush, look away.

247
00:14:11,081 --> 00:14:13,635
Mmm-hmm. Precisely.
So I think that's all satisfactory.

248
00:14:13,635 --> 00:14:16,958
Yes, indeed. If your client would like
to sign the bottom, here.

249
00:14:16,958 --> 00:14:20,198
Yes, and your client will sign here.
You got a pen?

250
00:14:20,198 --> 00:14:21,276
Here you go.

251
00:14:21,276 --> 00:14:24,518
Could you initial the Tom Waits clause?

252
00:14:26,327 --> 00:14:27,442
Excellent.

253
00:14:27,442 --> 00:14:28,721
Thank you.

254
00:14:28,721 --> 00:14:30,763
Thank you so much.

255
00:14:31,407 --> 00:14:32,886
Good.

256
00:14:37,407 --> 00:14:39,079
-Nice people.
-Very nice people.

257
00:14:39,079 --> 00:14:40,441
-Nice people.
-Yes.

258
00:14:40,441 --> 00:14:43,997
-Fancy a steamy sex romp?
-Yes, please.

259
00:14:52,367 --> 00:14:54,517
♫ I wear sophisticated clothes

260
00:14:54,517 --> 00:14:57,201
♫ I say sophisticated things

261
00:14:57,201 --> 00:15:00,563
♫ Everything about me says
I'm a sophistication king

262
00:15:00,563 --> 00:15:03,241
♫ But when I'm with you

263
00:15:03,241 --> 00:15:06,046
♫ Can't seem to find my cool

264
00:15:08,247 --> 00:15:10,283
♫ Yeah, when I'm with you

265
00:15:11,247 --> 00:15:14,159
♫ I just sit there and drool

266
00:15:16,127 --> 00:15:18,197
♫ I got sophisticated hands

267
00:15:18,197 --> 00:15:20,437
♫ I got sophisticated feet

268
00:15:20,437 --> 00:15:24,202
♫ A sophisticated car
Parked on Sophistication Street

269
00:15:24,202 --> 00:15:26,278
♫ But when I'm with you

270
00:15:27,087 --> 00:15:29,760
♫ Can't seem to find my cool

271
00:15:31,967 --> 00:15:34,276
♫ Yeah, when I'm with you

272
00:15:34,927 --> 00:15:37,964
♫ I'm just a dribbling fool

273
00:15:40,847 --> 00:15:44,237
♫ When you look at me and you start to flirt

274
00:15:44,237 --> 00:15:47,842
♫ I have to wipe the dribble
Off the front of my shirt

275
00:15:48,727 --> 00:15:51,719
♫ When you ask me what's on my mind

276
00:15:52,127 --> 00:15:54,595
♫ All I can think to answer is:

277
00:15:56,927 --> 00:15:58,804
♫ I eat sophisticated food

278
00:15:58,804 --> 00:16:00,957
♫ I breathe sophisticated air

279
00:16:00,957 --> 00:16:04,801
♫ Run a sophisticated comb
Through my sophisticated hair

280
00:16:04,801 --> 00:16:06,923
♫ But when I'm with you

281
00:16:07,727 --> 00:16:10,287
♫ Can't seem to find my cool

282
00:16:12,527 --> 00:16:14,643
♫ Yeah, when I'm with you

283
00:16:15,567 --> 00:16:18,923
♫ I'm just a dribbling fool ♫

284
00:16:30,567 --> 00:16:33,001
When I was 17,
I'd already tried 14 different jobs,

285
00:16:33,001 --> 00:16:35,123
married twice, fathered many, many,
many, many children,

286
00:16:35,123 --> 00:16:37,846
eaten a perfectly enormous quantity of food,
over a long-time period,

287
00:16:37,846 --> 00:16:39,918
been weaned off six types
of class A dangerous drug,

288
00:16:39,918 --> 00:16:42,646
given up smoking, taken it up again,
given it up again, taken it up again,

289
00:16:42,646 --> 00:16:45,764
given taking it up, and taken giving it up
again and again and again and again.

290
00:16:45,764 --> 00:16:48,077
By the time I was 20,
alcohol had never passed my lips,

291
00:16:48,077 --> 00:16:49,759
yet I was a reckless and predatory alcoholic.

292
00:16:49,759 --> 00:16:52,919
My life was in pieces, my marriages
were shattered, my children lay in ruins.

293
00:16:52,919 --> 00:16:56,238
I was paying alimony along the sinuses,
behind the dark interior passages of the skull,

294
00:16:56,238 --> 00:16:57,476
and through the nose.

295
00:16:57,476 --> 00:17:00,843
But at 30, at 30 came the chance
to redeem a bin liner of broken promises.

296
00:17:00,843 --> 00:17:03,202
If I didn't take that chance, what would I be?
What would I become?

297
00:17:03,202 --> 00:17:06,245
Just another friendless acid spot
on the back buttock of a weeping society.

298
00:17:06,245 --> 00:17:09,046
So I took it. Took the chance.
Picked up the ball and ran. Went for it!

299
00:17:09,046 --> 00:17:10,480
Threw caution to the teeth of the gale.

300
00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:14,082
Never looked back. Just keep running. I did it!
Forget the past, there's nothing there,

301
00:17:14,082 --> 00:17:16,727
not even memories, just a road
you never travelled, unwinding backwards

302
00:17:16,727 --> 00:17:19,879
to a place you never came from,
where fruit grows on trees you never climbed,

303
00:17:19,879 --> 00:17:22,561
in an orchard where you lost your virginity
to a boy called Timothy,

304
00:17:22,561 --> 00:17:24,603
who died of Horlicks poisoning
before you were born.

305
00:17:24,603 --> 00:17:26,359
-No answers there…
-Stephen, Stephen, Stephen, Stephen.

306
00:17:26,359 --> 00:17:27,436
Yes?

307
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:29,719
Go and have a lie down.

308
00:17:29,719 --> 00:17:31,957
Oh. Okay.

309
00:17:38,367 --> 00:17:42,042
I belong to the wine society.
I enjoy fine wines very much.

310
00:17:42,042 --> 00:17:45,039
Also their malt whiskies.
I like a nice malt whisky.

311
00:17:45,247 --> 00:17:46,885
Great pleasure to me.

312
00:17:47,487 --> 00:17:50,843
It's one of the great benefits
of being an alcoholic, really, I suppose.

313
00:17:51,367 --> 00:17:55,645
Well, I'm aroused every morning
by a very insistent cock.

314
00:17:56,847 --> 00:17:59,236
In the morning? Yes, I used to use

315
00:17:59,236 --> 00:18:02,637
one of those automatic things
that makes you a cup of tea,

316
00:18:02,637 --> 00:18:05,764
and does this horrible screeching noise
in your ear.

317
00:18:06,927 --> 00:18:09,600
But then I divorced her and bought a Teasmade.

318
00:18:09,600 --> 00:18:11,484
What, alarm? In the morning?

319
00:18:11,484 --> 00:18:16,925
Well, I have an old tape of Carlo Maria Giulini
conducting the Vienna Philharmonic Orchestra,

320
00:18:16,925 --> 00:18:20,204
in a perfectly transcendent version
of Schubert's 7th Symphony.

321
00:18:20,204 --> 00:18:24,917
And I've rigged it up so that,
at exactly 7:30 every morning,

322
00:18:25,487 --> 00:18:27,762
it falls from the ceiling onto my face.

323
00:18:28,487 --> 00:18:32,480
No, I haven't got an alarm clock.
I've got three children instead.

324
00:18:34,047 --> 00:18:38,916
It was a difficult choice, but I thought the
children would go better with the wallpaper.

325
00:18:38,916 --> 00:18:41,316
Well, you know,
he tried to palm me off with margarine.

326
00:18:41,316 --> 00:18:45,844
I said, you know, if you're gonna palm me off,
at least use butter or olive oil.

327
00:18:50,127 --> 00:18:52,595
People can be horribly inconsiderate,
can't they?

328
00:18:52,595 --> 00:18:54,996
Especially when they're out of breath.

329
00:18:57,047 --> 00:18:58,082
Mmm.

330
00:18:58,082 --> 00:19:01,603
You know, I can remember my mother
used to drive me, absolutely, to school

331
00:19:01,603 --> 00:19:03,837
-every morning in an old Wolseley.
-Ah.

332
00:19:03,837 --> 00:19:06,037
-You know, the kind with wheels?
-Yeah.

333
00:19:06,037 --> 00:19:07,116
Good old thing.

334
00:19:07,807 --> 00:19:11,561
All soft leather and walnut and chrome.

335
00:19:11,561 --> 00:19:13,683
And she usually wore a hat, as well.

336
00:19:13,683 --> 00:19:15,280
Yeah. Interesting.

337
00:19:15,280 --> 00:19:17,085
Oh, excuse me. Sorry, sorry.

338
00:19:17,567 --> 00:19:18,716
Hello.

339
00:19:19,447 --> 00:19:20,641
Hello?

340
00:19:20,641 --> 00:19:24,083
It's so annoying, isn't it?
It's always happening.

341
00:19:24,083 --> 00:19:26,203
Was that our phone, or was it yours?

342
00:19:26,203 --> 00:19:27,356
That's right,

343
00:19:27,356 --> 00:19:32,282
because with the advances
in NICAM digital stereo sound,

344
00:19:32,282 --> 00:19:35,200
and the disbanding
of the old mechanical ringing of the telephone,

345
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:38,518
20th-century Britain has plunged itself
into a bit of a wet nightmare.

346
00:19:38,518 --> 00:19:41,041
When the phone rings on the TV,
many Britons are horribly confused.

347
00:19:41,041 --> 00:19:42,640
Is it fiction, or is it real?

348
00:19:44,167 --> 00:19:47,796
That's right. Well, you know,
we've got plenty of phones here.

349
00:19:47,796 --> 00:19:52,005
Let's, for goodness sake, use them.
Robert, why don't you dial my number,

350
00:19:52,005 --> 00:19:55,921
and it will come out on our viewers'
left-hand speaker on their television at home

351
00:19:55,921 --> 00:19:57,326
if they're watching in stereo.

352
00:19:57,326 --> 00:20:01,480
That's right, and, Janine, you ring me,
and we'll output through the right channel.

353
00:20:05,606 --> 00:20:06,722
-Mmm.
-You see?

354
00:20:06,722 --> 00:20:09,844
-Absolutely terrifying, isn't it?
-It's a nightmare.

355
00:20:09,844 --> 00:20:11,201
Yeah, yeah.

356
00:20:11,567 --> 00:20:15,162
Well, now, as part of our ongoing,
continuing attempt

357
00:20:15,162 --> 00:20:19,320
to provide a better public service,
and earn lots of charter marks,

358
00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:21,398
we at Fry and Laurie,

359
00:20:21,398 --> 00:20:25,036
have decided to institute
a small flashing symbol here.

360
00:20:26,407 --> 00:20:29,444
To indicate whether
the phone you hear ringing is yours…

361
00:20:29,444 --> 00:20:30,880
Or ours.

362
00:20:34,727 --> 00:20:37,321
No. Now, that one is definitely yours.

363
00:20:37,767 --> 00:20:41,476
Or is it?
Because, as part of our ongoing commitment

364
00:20:41,476 --> 00:20:44,161
to earn no charter marks at all this term,

365
00:20:44,161 --> 00:20:46,602
and to be put into detention
by the Prime Minister,

366
00:20:46,602 --> 00:20:51,477
we have decided that, from now on, your life
is gonna be made a living hell of telephones.

367
00:20:54,087 --> 00:20:56,442
-No, that's yours.
-No, that… Yeah, definitely.

368
00:20:56,442 --> 00:20:59,997
Answer it.
It's probably your mother from Australia!

369
00:21:02,487 --> 00:21:04,318
-Come on.
-The third one is theirs, definitely.

370
00:21:04,318 --> 00:21:05,726
Vince, over to you.

371
00:21:09,796 --> 00:21:10,876
Terry, can I have a…

372
00:21:14,407 --> 00:21:16,602
Terry, got a moment?

373
00:21:16,967 --> 00:21:18,116
What?

374
00:21:19,327 --> 00:21:21,761
Have you got a window in your packed schedule?

375
00:21:21,761 --> 00:21:25,635
In which case, can you open a curtain
and let me peak through, just for a moment?

376
00:21:25,635 --> 00:21:29,879
-Yeah.
-Good. Now, Terry. School.

377
00:21:30,207 --> 00:21:32,402
Now, I've just had Mr Stroke on the phone.

378
00:21:33,767 --> 00:21:36,600
He tells me that you didn't turn up today.

379
00:21:36,600 --> 00:21:38,803
-So?
-So, why not?

380
00:21:39,367 --> 00:21:40,766
It's boring.

381
00:21:40,766 --> 00:21:42,326
Well, how would you know that, Terry?

382
00:21:42,326 --> 00:21:46,480
According to Mr Stroke,
you haven't been to school for four years.

383
00:21:46,480 --> 00:21:48,797
-So?
-So, where have you been all this time?

384
00:21:48,797 --> 00:21:51,355
What have you been doing
for the last four years?

385
00:21:51,355 --> 00:21:53,119
Got to level nine.

386
00:21:54,807 --> 00:21:57,082
Level nine? What do you mean, level nine?

387
00:21:57,082 --> 00:21:58,998
Level nine, top level.

388
00:21:59,287 --> 00:22:02,836
Yes, but school, Terry,
learning, growth, development.

389
00:22:03,287 --> 00:22:05,164
-What's the point?
-What?

390
00:22:05,164 --> 00:22:08,205
Well, I don't want to go to school
'cause it's boring. There's no point.

391
00:22:08,205 --> 00:22:11,165
You “don't want”? You “don't want”?

392
00:22:11,165 --> 00:22:13,477
And who, pray, be good enough to tell me,

393
00:22:13,477 --> 00:22:17,321
is supposed to give an
electrically-operated shag
about what you want?

394
00:22:17,927 --> 00:22:19,042
Hmm? Hmm?

395
00:22:24,646 --> 00:22:26,763
No, just… Just leave me alone, can't you?

396
00:22:26,763 --> 00:22:29,680
Leave you alone?
Why the hell should I leave you alone?

397
00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:32,201
What are you doing?
Are you making a cheese sauce?

398
00:22:32,201 --> 00:22:34,323
Working on a cure for cancer?

399
00:22:34,323 --> 00:22:37,399
Is an oboe concerto
forming in your mind? What?

400
00:22:37,607 --> 00:22:39,279
I'm on level nine.

401
00:22:39,647 --> 00:22:44,596
Bugger level nine! Bugger up the arse of
level nine with an Anglepoise lamp!

402
00:22:45,407 --> 00:22:48,285
-I'm talking about your life, Terry.
-What about it?

403
00:22:48,285 --> 00:22:52,155
“What about it?” Never mind “what about it”,
what is it? What is your life, Terry?

404
00:22:52,155 --> 00:22:54,124
Tell me what your life is.

405
00:22:54,447 --> 00:22:56,563
-Well, what's yours?
-What do you mean?

406
00:22:56,563 --> 00:23:01,124
-Well, what's your life?
-What, my life? My life? My life?

407
00:23:01,527 --> 00:23:04,439
My life is energy, work, dedication!

408
00:23:04,439 --> 00:23:09,163
Thirty-three bloody years at Russell & Bromley,
that's what my life is!

409
00:23:09,163 --> 00:23:13,519
My life is having you. I had you, didn't I?
That was supposed to be a good thing.

410
00:23:13,519 --> 00:23:15,359
I didn't ask to be born.

411
00:23:15,359 --> 00:23:19,486
You didn't ask…
Judas Priest on a two-stroke moped!

412
00:23:20,647 --> 00:23:22,763
What is that supposed to mean, huh?

413
00:23:22,967 --> 00:23:26,323
You didn't ask to be born. I…
You'd be better off dead, would you?

414
00:23:26,567 --> 00:23:30,003
-Maybe.
-“Maybe”? “Maybe”? “Maybe”? “Maybe”?

415
00:23:30,407 --> 00:23:31,442
What do you mean, “maybe”?

416
00:23:31,442 --> 00:23:33,757
Well, I've thought about it.

417
00:23:33,757 --> 00:23:37,635
-Thought? What, about killing yourself?
-Yeah, when I finish this game.

418
00:23:38,327 --> 00:23:41,524
Oh, great.
Well, I'll order the headstone, shall I?

419
00:23:41,524 --> 00:23:45,680
“Here lies Terry Gardiner.
He got to level bloody nine.”

420
00:23:46,327 --> 00:23:49,842
What? Do you want singing cherubim around it,
or do you want it plain?

421
00:23:49,842 --> 00:23:51,599
Bingo! Done it!

422
00:23:52,167 --> 00:23:57,116
Right. Well, you gonna choose a knife
in the gut or bullet in the head? What?

423
00:23:57,527 --> 00:23:58,721
Knife, I think.

424
00:24:02,287 --> 00:24:03,640
About bloody time.

425
00:24:06,567 --> 00:24:09,365
I only know one, I'm afraid.

426
00:24:09,365 --> 00:24:12,803
How many cabinet ministers
does it take to change a light bulb?

427
00:24:12,803 --> 00:24:14,081
Three.

428
00:24:15,247 --> 00:24:17,477
Seems rather a lot to me, but there you are.

429
00:24:18,447 --> 00:24:20,403
Where is this country headed?

430
00:24:20,647 --> 00:24:22,877
That's the 64p question.

431
00:24:23,887 --> 00:24:26,606
…'cause in our village,
there's a marvellous old game

432
00:24:26,606 --> 00:24:29,076
we play every Lammas Eve.

433
00:24:29,076 --> 00:24:32,842
Tradition has it that everyone living in the
village, of pensionable age,

434
00:24:32,842 --> 00:24:36,363
has to dress up as a bale of straw.
And then the rest of us,

435
00:24:36,363 --> 00:24:39,280
we split up into packs of six,
in four-wheel-drive vehicles,

436
00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:42,996
and we have to hunt them down
and beat them to death with fence posts.

437
00:24:42,996 --> 00:24:45,760
I'm not absolutely sure of its origins.

438
00:24:46,087 --> 00:24:49,602
It's something to do with the
Conservative Party, I believe.

439
00:24:58,002 --> 00:25:02,205
Well, my colleague, my colleague,
what a melancholy occasion is this.

440
00:25:02,205 --> 00:25:05,040
-It is at that. It is at that. And yet…
-And yet…

441
00:25:05,040 --> 00:25:08,437
And yet, for millions of people
it's a time for simple rejoicing

442
00:25:08,437 --> 00:25:10,597
and quiet explosions of merriment.

443
00:25:10,927 --> 00:25:12,155
I hate you.

444
00:25:12,367 --> 00:25:14,597
I know what he's trying to say, I do.

445
00:25:14,597 --> 00:25:17,440
How, my colleague? How to find fit words

446
00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:20,564
with which to bid farewell
to our viewing several?

447
00:25:20,564 --> 00:25:24,560
Let go, Luke. Feel the force.
Be in touch with your feelings.

448
00:25:24,560 --> 00:25:28,959
Yes. Yes. Oh, viewing several. Time…

449
00:25:28,959 --> 00:25:32,357
Time, like a thief in the night,
has smashed our near-side window,

450
00:25:32,357 --> 00:25:35,564
and stolen thence
the stereo from our dashboard therein.

451
00:25:35,564 --> 00:25:37,160
For the last time,

452
00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:41,525
I turn, wiping a sad, soft, salt tear
from my crimsoning cheek,

453
00:25:41,525 --> 00:25:45,885
as I request and require
our disastrously lovely guest units

454
00:25:46,167 --> 00:25:50,604
to tell me what is, and will be,
their choice of farewell cocktail this evening.

455
00:25:50,604 --> 00:25:54,276
Well, I like the sound of a London Felch.

456
00:25:55,847 --> 00:25:58,156
What about a Golden Shower?

457
00:25:59,527 --> 00:26:01,040
Hmm!

458
00:26:01,367 --> 00:26:05,246
Good idea. We should be concentrating
on choosing a cocktail first, though.

459
00:26:07,567 --> 00:26:10,365
Oh, yes. Well, there's the Martini Navratilova.

460
00:26:11,127 --> 00:26:13,118
What's a Sodding Mary?

461
00:26:13,118 --> 00:26:17,564
Um, a Sodding Mary…
A Sodding Mary, it's like a Bloody Mary,

462
00:26:17,564 --> 00:26:19,797
but it's a little bit ruder.

463
00:26:21,367 --> 00:26:23,039
-All right, have to hurry you.
-Yep.

464
00:26:23,039 --> 00:26:24,924
-Yes, yes, I think you're right.
-That's the one.

465
00:26:24,924 --> 00:26:27,885
We'd like a Modern Britain.

466
00:26:27,885 --> 00:26:29,685
A Modern Britain. Ha!

467
00:26:29,685 --> 00:26:32,839
My colleague, my colleague,
what did you say to me only this morning?

468
00:26:32,839 --> 00:26:34,918
What indeed.

469
00:26:35,167 --> 00:26:37,397
Well, they've chosen a Modern Britain.

470
00:26:37,397 --> 00:26:40,206
A Modern Britain is really like
an old-fashioned,

471
00:26:40,206 --> 00:26:42,278
but with a new twist.

472
00:26:42,278 --> 00:26:46,201
For a Modern Britain, you'll need finely made,
English hand-blown crystal glasses,

473
00:26:46,201 --> 00:26:50,405
the very best Islay malt whisky,
lovingly blended by craftsmen who care.

474
00:26:50,405 --> 00:26:53,877
You'll need freshly-squeezed apple juice
from pleasant Somerset orchards.

475
00:26:53,877 --> 00:26:57,084
You'll need a quarter gill
of best dry London gin,

476
00:26:57,084 --> 00:27:00,443
a pint of rich Jersey cream and, of course,

477
00:27:00,767 --> 00:27:04,123
a half-quart of soft,
still Welsh mountain water.

478
00:27:04,123 --> 00:27:06,596
And to garnish, you'll need a shamrock,

479
00:27:06,596 --> 00:27:09,565
a daffodil, a thistle and a rose.

480
00:27:09,927 --> 00:27:13,158
There's a difference with a Modern Britain,
however, because a Modern Britain

481
00:27:13,158 --> 00:27:14,600
goes like this…

482
00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:17,565
We add to this kindly,
noble, honourable and civilised mixture…

483
00:27:18,921 --> 00:27:21,475
…a centilitre of flat, cola-style syrup,

484
00:27:21,475 --> 00:27:24,718
a hectare of low-calorie brand sweetener,

485
00:27:24,718 --> 00:27:29,597
a pot of non-dairy whitener,
a sachet of instant heritage,

486
00:27:29,597 --> 00:27:33,123
a two-parent-family-size pack
of diluted good values,

487
00:27:33,123 --> 00:27:37,359
free market vegetables,
a greedy helping of self-governing trusts

488
00:27:37,359 --> 00:27:40,723
and a plastic ice cube
for cosmetic purposes only.

489
00:27:41,087 --> 00:27:43,647
The product should be half-baked
at an immoderate temperature

490
00:27:43,647 --> 00:27:45,285
of the lowest common denominator,

491
00:27:45,285 --> 00:27:48,359
in an atmosphere of greasy cant
and corrupt sleaze,

492
00:27:48,359 --> 00:27:51,883
until richly dishonoured and seared with shame.

493
00:27:51,883 --> 00:27:56,279
Your Modern Britain will ideally, by now,
have lost all colour, flavour and fizz,

494
00:27:56,279 --> 00:28:01,282
and should be then divided against itself,
and left in shoddy disrepair
for a number of years,

495
00:28:01,282 --> 00:28:04,439
until it rots, before being sold off
to the highest bidder.

496
00:28:04,439 --> 00:28:08,918
The whole botched cocktail should be served
with a raft of unappetizing sound bites,

497
00:28:08,918 --> 00:28:13,683
and a package of feeble initiatives,
stuffed with tasteless media slime.

498
00:28:13,683 --> 00:28:16,918
But perhaps, somewhere, you might be inspired

499
00:28:16,918 --> 00:28:20,682
to add one small, tender,
caring, cherry of hope.

500
00:28:20,682 --> 00:28:21,836
I wonder.

501
00:28:21,836 --> 00:28:25,715
While you decide, I will entreat for the
very finalist of last, last times,

502
00:28:25,715 --> 00:28:29,482
this entreaty of my colleague,
Britain's very own melody man,

503
00:28:29,482 --> 00:28:32,877
as I say to him,
please, please, oh, please, Mr Music,

504
00:28:32,877 --> 00:28:35,686
please, Mr Music, will you play?

505
00:28:47,767 --> 00:28:49,439
It's ruined.

506
00:28:49,647 --> 00:28:51,478
Britain is ruined.

507
00:28:52,007 --> 00:28:53,360
There's nothing there!

508
00:28:53,360 --> 00:28:54,476
It's rotten!

509
00:28:58,247 --> 00:29:00,602
Oh, God, it's all gone.

510
00:29:27,247 --> 00:29:30,000
Soupy, soupy, soupy, soupy twist.