1 00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:08,151 Is there anybody there? 2 00:01:09,600 --> 00:01:11,875 Is there anybody there? 3 00:01:13,680 --> 00:01:16,717 This is Radio 3. Is there anybody there? 4 00:01:18,920 --> 00:01:20,751 (DISCO MUSIC PLAYING) 5 00:01:27,920 --> 00:01:29,353 - You dancing? - Who's asking? 6 00:01:29,440 --> 00:01:31,078 - I'm asking. - You're asking? 7 00:01:31,160 --> 00:01:33,469 - I'm asking, are you dancing? - Am I dancing? 8 00:01:33,560 --> 00:01:36,393 - I'm dancing. - Right, I'll have your chair, then. 9 00:01:47,360 --> 00:01:51,148 Hello, good evening and welcome to the third in our series 10 00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:56,234 of Shakespeare Master Class: An Actor Prepares. 11 00:01:57,040 --> 00:02:00,749 Last week, if you remember, we were concentrating largely on the body. 12 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:05,755 Well, tonight, it's the turn of the voice and we'll be doing some vocal work. 13 00:02:06,000 --> 00:02:08,753 Well, here's our space, where's our actor? 14 00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:14,320 Well, we're very lucky to have with us in the studio this evening Hugh. 15 00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:15,469 - Hello, Hugh. - Hi. 16 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:16,595 Hi. 17 00:02:18,920 --> 00:02:20,736 What have you prepared for us this evening, Hugh? 18 00:02:20,760 --> 00:02:23,832 I have a speech from Troilus, 3, III. 19 00:02:24,560 --> 00:02:26,073 It's the Ulysses speech. 20 00:02:26,160 --> 00:02:29,072 The Ulysses speech, Tand C, 3, III. 21 00:02:29,720 --> 00:02:33,918 That's on page 66 in your Cambridge editions if you'd like to follow at home. 22 00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:40,155 So, Hugh, what I want you to do first of all 23 00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:44,155 is to imagine that you're a racing car going round a track, all right? 24 00:02:44,240 --> 00:02:46,470 - Right. - Now, there's a video camera attached to you 25 00:02:46,560 --> 00:02:47,959 so as you go round the track, 26 00:02:48,040 --> 00:02:50,395 - we're all going to get a good view of it, okay? - Okay. 27 00:02:50,480 --> 00:02:53,472 Now, later on, Hugh, we'll be taking your engine apart, 28 00:02:54,080 --> 00:02:57,993 piece by piece, oiling it, putting it back together again. 29 00:02:58,080 --> 00:02:59,496 - Right. - All right? But first of all, 30 00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:00,856 - let's have a view, shall we? - Okay. 31 00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:02,518 - Thank you, Hugh. - Yeah. 32 00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:07,076 - Hugh. - Yes? 33 00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:08,195 Why are you squatting? 34 00:03:08,280 --> 00:03:11,056 - Oh, sorry, I thought... - I don't think we're ready for that yet, are we? 35 00:03:11,080 --> 00:03:12,080 No. 36 00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:13,957 - Just the speech. - Okey-doke. 37 00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:20,632 "Time hath, my lord, a wallet at his back 38 00:03:20,920 --> 00:03:23,275 "Wherein he puts alms for oblivion 39 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:26,273 "A great-sized monster of ingratitude." 40 00:03:29,560 --> 00:03:33,109 Well, as you can see, Hugh, there's still a long way to go, isn't there? 41 00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:34,235 Yeah. 42 00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:36,416 All right, let's start right at the beginning, shall we? 43 00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:37,634 Right, yeah. 44 00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:40,951 What's the word... What's the word, I wonder, 45 00:03:41,040 --> 00:03:44,191 that Shakespeare decides to begin his sentence with here? 46 00:03:44,840 --> 00:03:46,034 "Time" is the first word. 47 00:03:46,120 --> 00:03:47,269 - Time. - Yeah. 48 00:03:48,320 --> 00:03:49,389 Time. 49 00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:51,995 Yeah. 50 00:03:53,160 --> 00:03:55,958 And how does Shakespeare decide to spell it, Hugh? 51 00:03:59,720 --> 00:04:00,755 T-I-M-E. 52 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:02,193 - T-I... - M. 53 00:04:02,280 --> 00:04:03,349 - M-E. - Yeah. 54 00:04:03,880 --> 00:04:06,792 And what sort of spelling of the word "time" is that? 55 00:04:11,080 --> 00:04:12,256 Well, it's the ordinary spelling. 56 00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:13,696 It's the ordinary spelling, isn't it? 57 00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:16,075 - It's the conventional spelling. - Oh, right. 58 00:04:17,800 --> 00:04:20,917 So, why, out of all the spellings he could've chosen, 59 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,275 did Shakespeare choose that one, do you think? 60 00:04:27,840 --> 00:04:30,354 Well, because it gives us time in an ordinary sense. 61 00:04:30,440 --> 00:04:33,989 Exactly, well done, good boy. Because it gives us time in an ordinary, 62 00:04:34,080 --> 00:04:36,674 - in a conventional sense. - Oh, right. 63 00:04:36,760 --> 00:04:40,799 So, Shakespeare has given us time in a conventional sense. 64 00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:43,519 - Yeah. - But he's given us something else, Hugh. 65 00:04:45,400 --> 00:04:48,039 Have a look at the typography, what do you spy? 66 00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:50,315 Oh, it's got a capital "T". 67 00:04:50,400 --> 00:04:54,109 Shakespeare's "T" very much uppercase there, Hugh, isn't it? 68 00:04:55,240 --> 00:04:56,240 Why? 69 00:04:57,920 --> 00:05:00,275 Because it's the first word in the sentence. 70 00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:02,316 Well, I think that's partly it, 71 00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:05,235 but I think there's another reason, too. 72 00:05:05,320 --> 00:05:06,639 Shakespeare has given us time 73 00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:08,153 - in a conventional sense. - Uh-huh. 74 00:05:08,240 --> 00:05:10,913 - And time in an abstract sense. - Right. 75 00:05:11,000 --> 00:05:12,035 - All right? - Yeah. 76 00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:14,056 - Think your voice can convey that, Hugh? - I hope so. 77 00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:17,072 I hope so, too. All right, give it a go. 78 00:05:17,160 --> 00:05:19,096 - Just the one word, then? - Just the one word for the moment. 79 00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:20,235 Yeah, okay. 80 00:05:23,760 --> 00:05:26,513 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 81 00:05:26,600 --> 00:05:29,717 Hugh, Hugh, Hugh, where do we gather from? 82 00:05:30,600 --> 00:05:32,136 - Oh, the buttocks. - Always the buttocks. 83 00:05:32,160 --> 00:05:33,776 - Sorry. - Hugh, we gather from the buttocks. 84 00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:35,199 - Right. - Thank you. 85 00:05:40,280 --> 00:05:41,395 "Time!" 86 00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:47,751 What went wrong there, Hugh? 87 00:05:49,560 --> 00:05:52,597 I don't know. I got a bit lost in the middle, actually. 88 00:05:54,160 --> 00:05:55,991 What I want you to do now 89 00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:57,600 - is to take the word "time"... - Yeah. 90 00:05:57,680 --> 00:05:59,616 ...and to start adding some of your own feelings. 91 00:05:59,640 --> 00:06:00,640 - All right? - Right. 92 00:06:00,720 --> 00:06:03,520 Some of your feelings of ruin and hopelessness and tragedy and despair. 93 00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:05,670 Feelings of loss and grief and bereavement. 94 00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:09,912 But feelings, too, of hope and spirit and love and ambition, all right? 95 00:06:11,440 --> 00:06:14,637 Feelings of jealousy, envy and covetousness. 96 00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:16,628 Right. 97 00:06:18,040 --> 00:06:19,234 Wantonness? 98 00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:22,514 - No, leave wantonness out, Hugh. - Oh, right, okay. 99 00:06:22,600 --> 00:06:23,635 All right? 100 00:06:23,720 --> 00:06:26,188 - So, one more time, then, all right? - Right. 101 00:06:26,280 --> 00:06:29,716 But I think what we'd better do first is do you feel ready for a little exercise 102 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,216 designed to build up your confidence and help your voice projection? 103 00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:33,434 - Yes. - You do? Good. 104 00:06:33,520 --> 00:06:37,229 With me then, I want you to adopt the mime stance, all right? 105 00:06:37,320 --> 00:06:38,594 - Right. - Mime stance. 106 00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:41,194 Good, now hand on shoulder. Good boy. 107 00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:47,355 Now, what I want you to do, after three, with me, is to say the word "time" 1 0 times, 108 00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:48,589 - very fast. - Right. 109 00:06:48,680 --> 00:06:49,715 - All right? - Yeah. 110 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:51,916 - Without the script? - Off book, yes. 111 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:55,278 So, three. 112 00:06:55,360 --> 00:06:58,557 BOTH: Time, time, time, time, time, time, time, time, time, time. 113 00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:01,471 - You see? - Oh, right. 114 00:07:02,720 --> 00:07:06,838 - You get that sense, that sense of... - Uh, drivel. 115 00:07:09,080 --> 00:07:13,631 That sense of what I like to call time collapsing into nonsense, Hugh. 116 00:07:13,760 --> 00:07:15,056 - A sense of nonsense. - Nonsense. 117 00:07:15,080 --> 00:07:17,136 Shakespeare knew it was there. We can't shirk it now. 118 00:07:17,160 --> 00:07:18,616 Put it in with the others, all right? 119 00:07:18,640 --> 00:07:20,153 Gathering from the buttocks. 120 00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:21,434 Thank you. 121 00:07:25,320 --> 00:07:27,151 (SHRIEKING) "Time!" 122 00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:36,192 - Much, much better, Hugh. - Thanks. 123 00:07:36,280 --> 00:07:39,716 Well done, we make tremendous strides. This is very exciting work. 124 00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:42,394 I'm very excited. I hope you're excited, too. 125 00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:45,711 All right? So, Hugh, what I want you to do now 126 00:07:45,800 --> 00:07:47,950 is to see how great the strides we've made have been 127 00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:49,792 by reading the rest of the speech as well 128 00:07:49,880 --> 00:07:51,136 - using what we've learnt. - Okay. 129 00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:52,559 - All right. - Right. 130 00:07:54,280 --> 00:07:57,590 "Time hath, my lord, a wallet at his back Wherein he puts alms for oblivion 131 00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:00,114 "A great-sized monster of ingratitude." 132 00:08:02,520 --> 00:08:05,956 Well, as you can see, still a very long way to go there. 133 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:11,396 Well, we'll be returning to Hugh with that speech, later on, perhaps, in our 1 988 series. 134 00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:14,080 But meanwhile, until the same time next week, 135 00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:18,392 from Shakespeare Master Class: An Actor Prepares It, good night and God bless. 136 00:08:44,520 --> 00:08:47,239 SHEARER (WITH RUSSIAN ACCENT): Ah, this is well in control. 137 00:08:47,320 --> 00:08:50,995 I play queen d8 followed by knight h5 to f4, 138 00:08:51,080 --> 00:08:53,548 exploiting his doubled f-pawns and weak king side. 139 00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:57,030 Yes, is strong move, queen d8. 140 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:01,791 SLATTERY: Well, what's he done that for? 141 00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:05,190 It was all nice before that, it went black, white, black, white, all the way down 142 00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:06,793 in a kind of zigzag. 143 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:10,796 I've got to balance it up, haven't I? I've got to balance it up. 144 00:09:11,320 --> 00:09:13,629 I'll move this tall thrusting one. 145 00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:19,753 SHEARER: Of course, now he attacks my queen and gains a tempo. 146 00:09:20,080 --> 00:09:22,753 What a good move. What to do? What to do? 147 00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:27,469 I have the resource. I must generate play on the black squares. 148 00:09:27,720 --> 00:09:31,315 I'll play queen c7 with the idea of rook c8 doubling on the c file, 149 00:09:31,400 --> 00:09:34,870 exercising pressure on his isolated queen's bishop's pawn. 150 00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:37,520 Yes, this is fine. Queen c7. 151 00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:41,816 SLATTERY: Well, he's a bleeding anarchist, this one. 152 00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:44,149 I mean, what's the point of having even squares like that 153 00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:46,196 if you're then gonna go and anarchist it? 154 00:09:46,680 --> 00:09:48,989 I'll have to move this horsey one here. 155 00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:50,911 Oh, this is in the way. 156 00:09:51,320 --> 00:09:53,197 Well, he won't notice. 157 00:09:54,840 --> 00:09:57,559 SHEARER: The man takes on f6 check, of course. 158 00:09:57,800 --> 00:09:59,438 This is genius. 159 00:09:59,720 --> 00:10:04,032 Now he threatens bishop f6, followed by bishop h 7, check king h 7, 160 00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:06,549 queen e4, check, my king side is destroyed. 161 00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:10,394 And he gets mate in... 1 4 moves. 162 00:10:10,760 --> 00:10:12,352 (SPEAKING RUSSIAN) 163 00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:14,478 What a player. 164 00:10:14,560 --> 00:10:17,597 Oh, I have nothing. I must resign. 165 00:10:21,560 --> 00:10:23,596 Oi, you knocked your king over. 166 00:10:54,560 --> 00:11:01,477 "The day the letter arrived, I was due in court on the intricate case of Melchett vs The Vatican, 167 00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:05,999 "which was coming to a delicate and potentially explosive stage. 168 00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:09,633 "The letter then came as a welcome diversion 169 00:11:09,720 --> 00:11:14,396 "and I tipped the delivery boy out of the window with more than ordinary generosity. 170 00:11:17,040 --> 00:11:21,556 "Even then, I fancy I gave a momentary shudder as I unfolded the letter. 171 00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:26,431 "But it was a cold morning, and in accordance with Mr Tulkinghorn's instructions 172 00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:30,149 "with regard to Melchett vs The Vatican, I was naked. 173 00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:35,791 "The letter read as follows. 174 00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:41,800 "'If Mr John Lawson Particle will travel immediately to Transylvania 175 00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:44,792 "'as the honoured guest of Count Dracula 176 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:49,032 "'to personally advise His Excellency on a matter of great legal delicacy, 177 00:11:49,240 --> 00:11:52,357 "'Mr Lawson Particle will be handsomely remunerated. 178 00:11:53,120 --> 00:11:56,669 "'He is to bring on his journey no garlic, 179 00:11:56,760 --> 00:12:00,594 "'no crucifixes, no wooden stakes. 180 00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:06,071 "'Neither is he to look up in a dictionary the word "vampire".' 181 00:12:07,880 --> 00:12:09,916 "It seemed innocent enough. 182 00:12:11,880 --> 00:12:14,997 "Excited at the prospect of escaping a dreary London August, 183 00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:17,310 "I rushed into Mr Tulkinghorn's office. 184 00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:20,752 "He read the letter through and eyed me carefully. 185 00:12:21,680 --> 00:12:23,352 "Then he looked at my face. 186 00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:31,633 "'You don't find anything strange in this letter, Mr Lawson Particle?' 187 00:12:31,880 --> 00:12:33,677 "'Ah, you noticed it, too, sir. 188 00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:36,638 "'The split infinitive in the first sentence, yes.' 189 00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:40,112 "'No, I was thinking... Never mind. 190 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:43,397 "'You plan to go on this suic... on this fascinating journey?' 191 00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:47,676 "'With your permission, sir, I will go straight home, dress, 192 00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:50,115 "'and take the first train to Southampton.' 193 00:12:53,120 --> 00:12:54,838 "Four days later 194 00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:58,435 "saw me standing at the gates of Castle Dracula, 195 00:12:58,520 --> 00:13:00,715 "weary and travel-stained. 196 00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:05,115 "Prudence had demanded that I leave her behind, so I was alone. 197 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:10,676 "Night was just falling as I knocked on the mighty oaken door, 198 00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:13,991 "and heard the answering echoes ring through the castle. 199 00:13:14,720 --> 00:13:16,950 "After what seemed a cliché, 200 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:22,558 "iron bolts were drawn back, the portal swung open, 201 00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:26,229 "and Count Dracula's manservant stood before me. 202 00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:31,991 "Of all the hideously disfigured spectacles I have ever beheld, 203 00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:35,197 "those perched on the end of this man's nose 204 00:13:38,360 --> 00:13:42,035 "remain forever pasted into the album of my memory. 205 00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:48,397 "Bowing low, this loathsome wretch introduced himself. 206 00:13:49,280 --> 00:13:54,149 "'Travolta, sir, at your servile. 207 00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:58,750 "'If you will follow me, I shall tell the master you have arrived.' 208 00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:03,391 "Walking with a pronounced limp, L-I-M-P, pronounced limp, 209 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:08,435 "he showed me into a waiting room." 210 00:14:08,960 --> 00:14:11,713 Sorry. "Into a waiting room and vanished. 211 00:14:12,280 --> 00:14:14,589 "Presently, he returned with his master. 212 00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:17,792 "'Ah, Mr Lawson Particle!' cried the Count. 213 00:14:17,880 --> 00:14:22,556 "'Welcome to Castle Dracula. Dinner is in half an hour, if you would care to change. 214 00:14:22,680 --> 00:14:27,356 "'We can leave business until tomorrow. Travolta will show you to your room. 215 00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:31,232 "'Tell me, what blood type are you?' 216 00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:33,475 "'A.' 217 00:14:33,760 --> 00:14:35,830 "'I said, what blood type are you?' 218 00:14:37,440 --> 00:14:39,954 "'Oh, ' I said. 'B.' 219 00:14:46,240 --> 00:14:49,391 "I tried to question Travolta as I dressed for dinner. 220 00:14:49,520 --> 00:14:51,909 "I asked him the nature of the Count's business, 221 00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:54,833 "but he made the sign of the cross and said nothing. 222 00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:58,080 "I asked him why there were no mirrors in the castle. 223 00:14:58,160 --> 00:15:02,073 "But this time he made the sign of the very cross indeed and spat accordingly. 224 00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:08,193 "This was puzzling. 225 00:15:08,280 --> 00:15:12,432 "I couldn't see myself spending a month in a house without mirrors. 226 00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:18,875 "The man was either mad or both. 227 00:15:27,560 --> 00:15:32,156 "'Capon for dinner, sir, ' said Travolta, as we descended the vast stairway. 228 00:15:32,240 --> 00:15:33,958 "'Capon. Yummy, ' I replied. 229 00:15:34,560 --> 00:15:39,031 "'No, sir, the Count always insists that his guests put a cape on for dinner.' 230 00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:44,712 "And what a dismal repast it was. 231 00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:48,232 "I passed a fitful night in my vast bedroom. 232 00:15:48,320 --> 00:15:52,074 "Below me, I could hear the Count's footsteps echoing in the hallway. 233 00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:57,315 "I arose early, made my toilet, sat on it and then came down to breakfast. 234 00:16:02,880 --> 00:16:06,509 "Travolta informed me that his master had gone to bed at dawn, 235 00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:09,512 "and would expect me in his study later that evening. 236 00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:11,113 "It was a dreary morning. 237 00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:15,398 "The greatest excitement I had to look forward to was the prospect of a total eclipse of the sun, 238 00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:17,869 "which was expected during the afternoon. 239 00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:21,874 "When the time came, I watched through a fragment of smoked glass, 240 00:16:21,960 --> 00:16:24,952 "as the moon slid slowly across the surface of the sun 241 00:16:25,040 --> 00:16:27,270 "and darkness shrouded the Earth. 242 00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:30,230 "I started at a sound behind me. 243 00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:34,789 "By the dim light of a candle I had prudently placed on the table, 244 00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:38,634 "I could see that it was Count Dracula, my client. 245 00:16:40,240 --> 00:16:41,958 "He seemed a little excited. 246 00:16:43,040 --> 00:16:47,272 "A tendril of spaghetti appeared to be protruding from either side of his mouth. 247 00:16:49,760 --> 00:16:51,910 "'Why, good afternoon, Count!' I cried. 248 00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:56,357 "'I wasn't expecting you until this evening. Have you come to enjoy the spectacle?' 249 00:16:56,520 --> 00:16:57,873 "'Spectacle?' 250 00:16:57,960 --> 00:16:59,439 "'The solar eclipse.' 251 00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:01,671 "He looked out of the window. 252 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:03,359 "'Solar eclipse?' 253 00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:07,274 "'Yes, it's the first total eclipse I've ever seen. Exciting, isn't it?' 254 00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:10,512 "'Oh, shit.' 255 00:17:19,160 --> 00:17:20,912 "'Is there something wrong, Count?' 256 00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:25,312 "'How much longer is it going to last?' he cried, and I could see fear in his blood-red eyes. 257 00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:28,949 "'Well, it's just ending now, ' I replied. 'Look at that. Splendid, isn't it?' 258 00:17:29,040 --> 00:17:32,271 "I turned in time to watch the moon moving slowly away from the sun, 259 00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:35,193 "and light once more flooding the scene. 260 00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:37,960 "'Have you seen anything so... 261 00:17:39,200 --> 00:17:41,350 "'Oh. Count?' 262 00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:47,117 "But he had disappeared, leaving his cape behind him. 263 00:17:48,320 --> 00:17:52,950 "In his hurry, he must have upset the ashtray on the floor beside it. 264 00:17:57,640 --> 00:18:00,074 "I never saw him again." 265 00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:12,878 And not many people know that the Special Patrol Group 266 00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:16,873 have been instructed by Margaret Thatcher to kill everyone in the world. 267 00:18:18,880 --> 00:18:22,190 Have we, have we forgotten the lessons of Brixton and Toxteth? 268 00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:23,280 Luton. 269 00:18:25,440 --> 00:18:28,557 - Luton? - Yeah, lootin', riotin', pillagin'. 270 00:18:32,400 --> 00:18:35,870 I mean, doesn't it seem strange, doesn't it seem strange, that like, 271 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:38,520 every time there's a major civil disturbance on the streets, 272 00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:40,670 the police just happen to turn up? 273 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:46,038 And they turn up with riot shields and water pistols. 274 00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:47,428 - Cannon. - Cannon. 275 00:18:47,520 --> 00:18:49,715 I've had some really bad harasslement from the SPG. 276 00:18:49,800 --> 00:18:51,296 - Tell them. Go on, tell them. - Right, I will. 277 00:18:51,320 --> 00:18:52,912 - Okay. - Like, only the other day, 278 00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:56,356 only the other day, I was trucking down the Bayswater Road. 279 00:18:56,440 --> 00:18:58,256 Well, I wasn't trucking, I was walking, in fact. 280 00:18:58,280 --> 00:19:02,512 And when suddenly, suddenly, this bloody huge Transit... 281 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:04,113 panda car pulled up. 282 00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,994 And from out of the inside of it flooded about... 283 00:19:07,080 --> 00:19:08,400 - Well, how many, how many? - Two. 284 00:19:08,480 --> 00:19:10,038 - Two. - There were two of them. 285 00:19:10,680 --> 00:19:14,559 Two SPG officers, and one of them came right up to me and kicked me in the stomach. 286 00:19:14,640 --> 00:19:16,039 (EXCLAIMING INDIGNANTLY) 287 00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:18,456 Well, not so much kicked me in the stomach 288 00:19:18,480 --> 00:19:22,155 as said, "Excuse me, sir, what are you doing with that aerosol can?" 289 00:19:24,880 --> 00:19:26,279 So I punched her. 290 00:19:28,600 --> 00:19:30,736 - Are you sure she was a woman? - Oh, she was a woman, yeah. 291 00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:33,480 Okay, but I mean, women have got every right to be as vicious as men. 292 00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:36,034 - Right, I mean, hello 1 981. - Two. 293 00:19:36,120 --> 00:19:40,033 - Two. - Welcome to the 20th century, okay? 294 00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:44,239 Now, we'd like to dedicate this next song 295 00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:48,279 to all the plainclothes SPG men in the audience tonight, all right? 296 00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:50,995 (PLAYING GUITAR) 297 00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:54,072 It's called If You Can't Smoke It, Kick It To Death. 298 00:20:18,120 --> 00:20:20,315 ♪ Well, the filth are out to get you 299 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:21,833 ♪ Every single one 300 00:20:21,920 --> 00:20:25,708 ♪ Let the devil take the hindmost Just pick up your bags and run 301 00:20:25,800 --> 00:20:29,429 ♪ They may tell you it's only their job But they love it every bit 302 00:20:29,520 --> 00:20:32,193 ♪ So when they say it's not their way They're talking a lot of 303 00:20:32,280 --> 00:20:35,033 ♪ Hypocrisy, they hate you 304 00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:38,235 ♪ Everybody hates you 305 00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:45,515 ♪ You better look out behind you To see them stabbing you between the eyes 306 00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:51,593 ♪ Well, if you believe in friendship You're making a mistake 307 00:20:51,680 --> 00:20:55,309 ♪ 'Cause everybody's out to screw you Everyone's on the make 308 00:20:55,400 --> 00:20:58,915 ♪ The world is full of it Everywhere you look 309 00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:02,515 ♪ All the bloody establishment figures Rum-te-tum-te-book 310 00:21:02,600 --> 00:21:04,079 ♪ They hate you 311 00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:07,516 ♪ Everybody hates you 312 00:21:10,120 --> 00:21:14,989 ♪ You better look out behind you To see them stabbing you between the eyes 313 00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:21,075 ♪ Everybody in this world is out for number one 314 00:21:21,160 --> 00:21:24,835 ♪ You better forget it, baby If you're thinking of having fun 315 00:21:24,920 --> 00:21:28,356 ♪ Never mind the bureaucrats You've gotta use your mouth 316 00:21:28,440 --> 00:21:31,876 ♪ That's one of the things they taught me When I was at Charterhouse 317 00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:33,633 ♪ They hate you 318 00:21:34,920 --> 00:21:36,876 ♪ Everybody hates you 319 00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:42,710 ♪ Well, you better look out behind you 320 00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:45,872 ♪ To see them stabbing you 321 00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:47,154 ♪ Stabbing you ♪ Stabbing you 322 00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:48,719 ♪ Stabbing you ♪ Stabbing you 323 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:55,751 ♪ Between the eyes ♪ 324 00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:05,709 Ladies and gentlemen, 325 00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:08,755 the Evening Star Award 326 00:22:09,720 --> 00:22:13,918 for the best West End actress of 1 98 1. 327 00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:16,752 And the nominations are... 328 00:22:18,400 --> 00:22:20,630 Jacqueline Pike-Harding 329 00:22:21,560 --> 00:22:24,028 for her performance as Ian 330 00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:28,470 in Botham: A New Musical. 331 00:22:31,160 --> 00:22:32,798 Sarah Platt, 332 00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:36,352 for her part in Alan Ayckbourn's 333 00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:39,830 No Pyjamas In My Soup, Thanks, I'm A Satirist. 334 00:22:41,640 --> 00:22:43,517 Diana Spencer, 335 00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:48,597 for her part in The Revival Of Manhood at the Prince of Wales. 336 00:22:52,320 --> 00:22:54,117 And Julianna Talent, 337 00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:59,479 for her performance as Julianna in the play Julianna. 338 00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:04,759 And the winner is... If I can just get the envelope open. 339 00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:14,908 Ladies and gentleman, Miss Julianna Talent. 340 00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:17,751 (ORCHESTRA PLAYING FANFARE) 341 00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:41,035 Your Royal Highness, 342 00:23:41,240 --> 00:23:44,676 my lords, ladies and gentlemen, 343 00:23:45,320 --> 00:23:47,197 fellow artists, 344 00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:53,876 this award doesn't really belong to me. 345 00:23:56,360 --> 00:24:00,035 I must just say how worried I was after Gonerill at the Warehouse, 346 00:24:00,240 --> 00:24:02,708 um, that I was 347 00:24:03,560 --> 00:24:08,236 going to be able to cope with... with Julianna. 348 00:24:08,320 --> 00:24:13,075 I think the thing that worried me about her was that she might, as it were, start taking over. 349 00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:15,796 I don't know how else to put it, really. 350 00:24:15,880 --> 00:24:17,996 She might, as it were, start playing me. 351 00:24:20,840 --> 00:24:24,753 But if ever I felt her getting on top of me, 352 00:24:25,280 --> 00:24:29,831 all I'd have to do would be to just turn round and say, 353 00:24:30,640 --> 00:24:34,474 "Hey, lady, back off. " 354 00:24:36,920 --> 00:24:38,319 And she would, 355 00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:42,236 because that was the sort of relationship we had. 356 00:24:44,000 --> 00:24:48,118 At this point I'd like to say a very warm hello and good luck to Glenda, 357 00:24:48,200 --> 00:24:50,350 who's taking over for me tonight. 358 00:24:51,800 --> 00:24:53,518 Brave, brave lady. 359 00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:58,309 And of course I'd like to thank from the very bottom of my heart 360 00:24:58,640 --> 00:25:01,791 my husband Lindsay, the director. 361 00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:07,074 Actually, would it be all right if I did a little sort of story thing here? 362 00:25:07,400 --> 00:25:09,391 - Oh, please. - Would that be okay? 363 00:25:09,680 --> 00:25:13,673 It's not very long. I don't think it'll bore you or anything. Is that okay? Thanks. 364 00:25:15,000 --> 00:25:17,560 Once upon a time... 365 00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:22,712 I can see Lindsay smiling, he's heard this. 366 00:25:28,800 --> 00:25:33,032 Once upon a time, there was a little girl with a big ambition. 367 00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:36,313 She wanted to become a stage actress. 368 00:25:36,760 --> 00:25:39,752 And she had the great good fortune 369 00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:42,229 to meet a wonderful man, whom she married, 370 00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:44,954 and who helped her, 371 00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:50,075 with his love and his dedication to become so. 372 00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:56,076 And so, really, I'd just like to say to all those other little girls with big ambitions, 373 00:25:56,240 --> 00:25:59,357 if you have the love 374 00:25:59,640 --> 00:26:02,837 and the dedication, as I did, 375 00:26:03,160 --> 00:26:05,720 then all you need is luck. 376 00:26:09,440 --> 00:26:12,000 I was simply lucky enough 377 00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:16,710 to have been born with the most colossal talent. 378 00:26:16,880 --> 00:26:18,711 Thank you so much. Thank you. 379 00:26:28,120 --> 00:26:29,120 (SHOUTING AND CLAMOURING) 380 00:26:29,200 --> 00:26:30,269 (GAVEL POUNDING) 381 00:26:30,360 --> 00:26:31,713 SPEAKER: Order! 382 00:26:32,560 --> 00:26:34,039 Order! 383 00:26:35,040 --> 00:26:36,792 Order! 384 00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:40,109 MALE MP: What I want to know is 385 00:26:40,200 --> 00:26:43,556 why is there only one Monopolies Commission? 386 00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:54,874 - Anyway, that's my diet gone to blazes. - I didn't know you were on a diet, Alan. 387 00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:56,791 Not any more, I'm not, Bernard. No. 388 00:26:56,880 --> 00:26:57,915 (CHUCKLING) 389 00:26:58,000 --> 00:26:59,558 I'm not surprised. 390 00:26:59,640 --> 00:27:01,790 - Your lovely lady wife cooks a super supper. - Yeah? 391 00:27:01,880 --> 00:27:04,189 That really was a super supper, Sue. Thank you so much. 392 00:27:04,280 --> 00:27:06,555 - Thank you, Bernard. - Come and sit down beside me. 393 00:27:06,640 --> 00:27:09,712 Yes, that was very nice, darling. Lovely wine. 394 00:27:10,880 --> 00:27:13,474 - Cigar, Bernard? - Thankee, thankee. 395 00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:16,638 Tell you what. Why don't the pair of you come round to Ingleside 396 00:27:16,720 --> 00:27:18,950 and we'll give you a slap-up in return? What do you say? 397 00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:23,272 - Well, you don't cook, do you, Bernard? - No, when Mary gets out of hospital, I mean. 398 00:27:23,520 --> 00:27:27,911 - Look, I'll sit down here on this, then, shall I? - Nonsense! Ben will take the pouf, won't you? 399 00:27:28,000 --> 00:27:29,956 Okey-doke, there you go. 400 00:27:31,160 --> 00:27:34,436 - Alan, coffee. - Yes, darling, that'll be lovely. Thank you so much. 401 00:27:34,520 --> 00:27:36,033 So anyway, Ben. 402 00:27:36,120 --> 00:27:37,712 Right. I'll make it, shall I? 403 00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:40,776 Look, if you want any help in the kitchen, Sue, I'm sure Ben can lend a paw. 404 00:27:40,800 --> 00:27:43,856 Oh, no, no. That's all right, Bernard. We just bang it in the Colston, you know. 405 00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:46,599 Oh, they're marvellous, those dishwashers, aren't they? 406 00:27:46,680 --> 00:27:48,910 - Yeah. - Ours is in hospital at the moment. 407 00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:50,991 Whoops! Sexist! 408 00:27:54,280 --> 00:27:57,556 So, any old way, Ben, what are you doing with yourself now? 409 00:27:57,720 --> 00:28:00,712 I must say, Bernard, he's grown out of all proportion. 410 00:28:01,840 --> 00:28:03,432 You know, I remember 411 00:28:03,520 --> 00:28:06,432 when you used to bring him down to the Royal Oak in his pram. 412 00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:09,398 Do you remember that, Ben? I bet you do, eh, do you? Hm? 413 00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:12,714 Ben, um... 414 00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:15,958 Ben wants to be an actor, don't you, Ben? 415 00:28:20,920 --> 00:28:22,876 Lot of actors out of work, Ben. 416 00:28:24,120 --> 00:28:27,556 Just what I tried to tell him, Alan. Would he listen? No, thank you. 417 00:28:27,640 --> 00:28:28,993 Tell you what, though. 418 00:28:29,080 --> 00:28:30,798 Sue and I happen to be fairly chummy 419 00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:33,240 with one of the usherettes at the Peterborough Quay Theatre. 420 00:28:33,320 --> 00:28:37,233 We could maybe put in a good word for you. I mean, you never know, it's worth a try, isn't it? 421 00:28:37,320 --> 00:28:38,320 Well, there you are. 422 00:28:38,400 --> 00:28:40,311 - You see, Ben? Thanks a lot, Alan. - Well... 423 00:28:40,400 --> 00:28:43,073 I must say, I never knew you were a man of the theatre. 424 00:28:43,160 --> 00:28:46,072 Oh, yes! We always go up and see the Ayckbourn, you know. 425 00:28:46,160 --> 00:28:48,879 - Oh, he's marvellous, Ayckbourn, isn't he? - Yeah. 426 00:28:48,960 --> 00:28:51,496 Well, I've never actually seen any of his things, but I like him. 427 00:28:51,520 --> 00:28:54,159 I think he's brilliant, Bernard. He is quite, quite brilliant. 428 00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:56,800 I've taken Sue to see all of his plays twice. 429 00:28:56,880 --> 00:28:59,917 It really is uncanny. It's almost as if you were holding up a microscope. 430 00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:04,232 - Alan, have you seen the After Eights? - The what? 431 00:29:04,680 --> 00:29:07,672 The After Eights. I left them in the dining room. 432 00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:10,035 Whoops-a-didley-dandy-dee. 433 00:29:11,680 --> 00:29:15,559 Um, yeah, well, there weren't that many left, Sue. I did have a couple. 434 00:29:17,120 --> 00:29:20,590 Sue, I was just telling Bernard how much you adore Ayckbourn. 435 00:29:20,960 --> 00:29:22,188 I don't. 436 00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:26,594 Oh, Sue, you're such an old reactionary. 437 00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:29,914 So, any all way, Ben. Got many girlfriends, then, have you? 438 00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:32,594 I bet you have, you old devil, have you? 439 00:29:33,760 --> 00:29:35,512 No, actually, I'm... 440 00:29:35,600 --> 00:29:39,718 No, Ben hasn't got anyone in particular at the moment, have you, Ben? 441 00:29:39,800 --> 00:29:44,555 He's just cruising, er, looking around, you know. Playing the field, as it were. 442 00:29:45,080 --> 00:29:46,593 (BERNARD CLEARING THROAT) 443 00:29:49,040 --> 00:29:51,156 Yeah, well, there's plenty of time, isn't there? 444 00:29:51,240 --> 00:29:52,958 - Right. - Yeah. 445 00:29:53,840 --> 00:29:57,150 I started late myself, which is just as well for you, Alan. 446 00:29:57,240 --> 00:29:59,231 Or I might have found Sue first. 447 00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:00,673 (BOTH GIGGLING) 448 00:30:00,880 --> 00:30:03,189 Sue. Woof, woof! 449 00:30:04,880 --> 00:30:06,233 How is Mary? 450 00:30:07,600 --> 00:30:09,477 Oh, Mary's fine. 451 00:30:09,560 --> 00:30:11,536 Well, I mean, it's a holiday for her, really, isn't it? 452 00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:14,472 Right. There are always plenty of magazines in hospitals, aren't there? 453 00:30:14,560 --> 00:30:17,632 - Right. - Have you any idea why she tried to kill herself? 454 00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:23,431 It was an accident, Sue. 455 00:30:25,560 --> 00:30:28,791 - Let's play a game, shall we? - That's a good idea. Let's do that. 456 00:30:28,880 --> 00:30:30,996 What's that one where everybody hunts for a slipper? 457 00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:33,116 - Oh, yes. Hunt the Thimble. Yes. - That's the one. 458 00:30:33,200 --> 00:30:36,510 - Why don't we play charades? - Charades, is that the acting one? 459 00:30:36,600 --> 00:30:40,673 - Oh, right. Well, bags I go with Ben then, eh? - No, no, no, no. I'll go with Ben. 460 00:30:40,760 --> 00:30:42,318 - Right then, Alan. - All right. 461 00:30:42,400 --> 00:30:44,256 You come over here. We'll team up, for goodness sake. 462 00:30:44,280 --> 00:30:45,315 Okey-doke. 463 00:30:45,400 --> 00:30:47,736 Listen, what was that film we all went to see the other day? 464 00:30:47,760 --> 00:30:49,496 - Oh, yes! - It was called Ordinary something. 465 00:30:49,520 --> 00:30:51,272 - Ordinary... Ordinary... - Ordinary... 466 00:30:51,360 --> 00:30:53,237 ...People! 467 00:30:53,960 --> 00:30:55,712 BOTH: Ordinary People. 468 00:30:55,800 --> 00:30:57,358 - Ready. - Coming or not? 469 00:30:58,440 --> 00:31:01,159 So, if I give the first one to you, Ben, 470 00:31:01,240 --> 00:31:03,800 then you act it to Sue. Sue, you're not to listen, okay? 471 00:31:03,880 --> 00:31:05,916 Are you ready, Ben? Come over here. 472 00:31:06,000 --> 00:31:10,869 Now, then, what we've chosen for you is a film. It's got two words. 473 00:31:11,240 --> 00:31:12,992 And it's Ordinary People. 474 00:31:14,320 --> 00:31:16,788 Ordinary People. Two words. 475 00:31:16,880 --> 00:31:18,393 Best of luck. 476 00:31:24,520 --> 00:31:26,158 (STAMMERING) Wait! You can't start yet. 477 00:31:26,240 --> 00:31:27,958 - You got to be timed. - Oh, yes, timing. 478 00:31:28,040 --> 00:31:30,759 - We'll go by my Swiss one, shall we? - Right you are, yeah. 479 00:31:31,920 --> 00:31:33,114 Now! 480 00:31:35,200 --> 00:31:36,519 Film. 481 00:31:36,960 --> 00:31:38,188 Two words. 482 00:31:39,160 --> 00:31:40,912 The whole thing. 483 00:31:42,760 --> 00:31:44,239 Ordinary People? 484 00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:49,398 That was good. 485 00:31:53,440 --> 00:31:55,158 Sue, you were listening. 486 00:31:55,600 --> 00:31:56,896 - I wasn't listening, Alan. - (SCOFFING) Listening. 487 00:31:56,920 --> 00:31:58,216 Well, you must have been listening. 488 00:31:58,240 --> 00:32:01,038 - How on earth does that mean Ordinary People? - Yeah. 489 00:32:01,120 --> 00:32:02,951 It's us, it's ordinary people. 490 00:32:03,040 --> 00:32:04,109 (BERNARD SCOFFING) 491 00:32:04,200 --> 00:32:07,670 - You can speak for yourself there, Sue. - Yeah, right. 492 00:32:09,600 --> 00:32:13,275 - Well, you go then. - Ben, you give me what you've chosen. 493 00:32:13,400 --> 00:32:15,160 - Okay. - What have you got for me then, Ben? 494 00:32:15,200 --> 00:32:16,394 Let's think. 495 00:32:19,200 --> 00:32:20,553 Dog. 496 00:32:24,600 --> 00:32:27,353 - Is that it? - Yes, it's a play. 497 00:32:27,960 --> 00:32:29,109 Dog. 498 00:32:32,400 --> 00:32:33,674 All right. 499 00:32:34,000 --> 00:32:37,754 Alan and I have got a kind of telepathy running between us. It shouldn't take too long. 500 00:32:37,840 --> 00:32:40,559 Yes, this might be a little bit tricky, actually, Bernard. 501 00:32:40,640 --> 00:32:42,216 It's one of those modern things, isn't it, Ben? 502 00:32:42,240 --> 00:32:44,176 That's all right, I've seen his bookshelves. I know them all. 503 00:32:44,200 --> 00:32:45,376 - Oh, you have. Good. - Are you ready? 504 00:32:45,400 --> 00:32:46,799 Yes, ready. 505 00:32:46,880 --> 00:32:48,313 - Off you go. - Right. 506 00:32:48,440 --> 00:32:49,953 Right, so it's a book. 507 00:32:52,680 --> 00:32:54,830 Oh, I mean a film, sorry. 508 00:32:54,960 --> 00:32:57,758 Oh, no. Oh, it's a television show. 509 00:32:57,840 --> 00:32:58,840 (MUMBLING) 510 00:32:58,920 --> 00:33:00,512 A radio show? 511 00:33:00,720 --> 00:33:03,154 Oh, it's a bookshelf. No, um... 512 00:33:04,800 --> 00:33:07,109 Ballet? Ballet... Uh, um... 513 00:33:07,800 --> 00:33:09,074 Opera? Operetta? 514 00:33:09,160 --> 00:33:10,388 - Time! - Time? 515 00:33:10,480 --> 00:33:11,799 Time's up, I'm afraid. 516 00:33:11,880 --> 00:33:14,394 Look, he doesn't even know what that means! 517 00:33:14,480 --> 00:33:17,199 We can't start till he knows what that means, can we? 518 00:33:17,280 --> 00:33:19,555 - It's a play, Bernard. - That's a play, Bernard. 519 00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:21,232 - A play? - Yes. 520 00:33:21,880 --> 00:33:22,949 Why? 521 00:33:24,440 --> 00:33:26,431 It's the curtains opening, Bernard. 522 00:33:26,520 --> 00:33:28,776 Otherwise you wouldn't be able to see what was going on, would you? 523 00:33:28,800 --> 00:33:29,835 - SUE: Alan! - I'm sorry. 524 00:33:29,920 --> 00:33:31,069 He said he knew. 525 00:33:31,160 --> 00:33:33,040 - Why don't we start again? - We'll start again. 526 00:33:33,120 --> 00:33:34,553 - Off you go. - Right. 527 00:33:34,720 --> 00:33:36,073 So it's a play. 528 00:33:36,920 --> 00:33:40,595 One. One... One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. 529 00:33:41,680 --> 00:33:44,592 Erm, one man... Oh, I... I, Claudius. 530 00:33:44,680 --> 00:33:45,680 (ALAN MUMBLING) 531 00:33:45,760 --> 00:33:47,159 Claudius The God? 532 00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:49,590 One, one, one... 533 00:33:49,680 --> 00:33:51,750 - One word! - One Word! 534 00:33:51,840 --> 00:33:53,068 One Word. 535 00:33:57,680 --> 00:34:00,069 Oh, one word title. One word title, play. 536 00:34:00,160 --> 00:34:01,798 Sorry, Alan. All right. 537 00:34:03,200 --> 00:34:05,236 Cat On A Hot Tin Roof. 538 00:34:06,960 --> 00:34:08,279 One. Um... 539 00:34:09,280 --> 00:34:10,759 - Dog Day Afternoon. - Yes. 540 00:34:10,840 --> 00:34:12,114 "Afternoon" plus... 541 00:34:12,200 --> 00:34:14,634 Well, could you nod when I'm getting warm? 542 00:34:14,720 --> 00:34:16,960 - For Christ's sake, Alan! - It's not difficult, Bernard! 543 00:34:20,680 --> 00:34:22,716 A Tale Of Two Cities. 544 00:34:23,120 --> 00:34:24,155 (ALAN MUMBLING) 545 00:34:24,240 --> 00:34:27,073 One. One. Um, um... 546 00:34:29,080 --> 00:34:30,877 Cock O' The North. 547 00:34:32,520 --> 00:34:34,795 Juno And The Paycock? 548 00:34:34,880 --> 00:34:37,155 Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory? 549 00:34:38,240 --> 00:34:40,959 It's a dog, you stupid bastard! 550 00:34:42,240 --> 00:34:45,755 You lose, Alan. You're not allowed to talk. 551 00:34:51,320 --> 00:34:53,709 (POP BALLAD INTRO PLAYING ON KEYBOARD) 552 00:35:05,880 --> 00:35:11,750 ♪ Sitting all alone on my bed in my bedsit 553 00:35:12,440 --> 00:35:16,513 ♪ Staring at the bullets on the floor 554 00:35:19,520 --> 00:35:24,548 ♪ Magazine women all over the walls 555 00:35:24,720 --> 00:35:29,271 ♪ And a bull's-eye on the door 556 00:35:32,160 --> 00:35:34,674 ♪ Open my suitcase 557 00:35:35,320 --> 00:35:37,515 ♪ Take my pick 558 00:35:38,200 --> 00:35:40,873 ♪ Squeeze on the trigger 559 00:35:41,760 --> 00:35:45,275 ♪ Feel the hammer go click 560 00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:52,234 ♪ I'm going to shoot somebody famous 561 00:35:54,840 --> 00:35:58,594 ♪ I'm going to shoot somebody big 562 00:36:00,640 --> 00:36:03,916 ♪ I smile at the picture of John on the wall 563 00:36:04,000 --> 00:36:07,913 ♪ So many to go, George, Ringo and Paul 564 00:36:08,240 --> 00:36:12,153 ♪ I'm going to shoot somebody dead 565 00:36:14,400 --> 00:36:20,316 ♪ Photographs of famous people strewn all around me 566 00:36:20,800 --> 00:36:25,032 ♪ Just a blindfold and a pin so I can choose 567 00:36:27,880 --> 00:36:33,079 ♪ Politicians laughing at me through the camera 568 00:36:33,720 --> 00:36:37,872 ♪ But I am their judge and I accuse 569 00:36:40,880 --> 00:36:43,235 ♪ I fix the time 570 00:36:43,800 --> 00:36:45,916 ♪ I fix the place 571 00:36:47,120 --> 00:36:49,839 ♪Just need the courage 572 00:36:50,480 --> 00:36:53,552 ♪ To show the world my face 573 00:36:56,560 --> 00:36:59,028 ♪ Staring at my fists 574 00:36:59,120 --> 00:37:02,396 ♪As I sit in the darkness 575 00:37:03,240 --> 00:37:07,392 ♪ Waiting for the hour I feel is right 576 00:37:09,360 --> 00:37:15,435 ♪ I'm just about to leave when I begin to cry softly 577 00:37:15,840 --> 00:37:19,753 ♪ Someday I swear I'll go but not tonight 578 00:37:23,160 --> 00:37:25,754 ♪ Close up my suitcase 579 00:37:26,400 --> 00:37:28,675 ♪ Begin to wait 580 00:37:29,640 --> 00:37:32,154 ♪ So many people 581 00:37:32,880 --> 00:37:36,270 ♪ So many people to hate 582 00:37:39,680 --> 00:37:43,753 ♪ Someday I'll shoot somebody famous 583 00:37:46,480 --> 00:37:50,029 ♪ Someday I'll shoot somebody big 584 00:37:52,440 --> 00:37:55,989 ♪ I've got to do better than shoot the Pope 585 00:37:56,080 --> 00:37:59,231 ♪ Assassinate God, it's my only hope 586 00:38:00,120 --> 00:38:05,592 ♪ Someday I'll shoot somebody dead ♪ 587 00:38:16,400 --> 00:38:18,277 (SPEAKING GIBBERISH) 588 00:38:29,200 --> 00:38:31,953 Now, that's a lot of nonsense and you know it. 589 00:38:48,120 --> 00:38:52,033 My darling, you're looking pale. 590 00:38:53,280 --> 00:38:56,670 - I am pale. - Don't say that, my darling, don't even think it. 591 00:38:56,760 --> 00:39:00,036 You're going to be well, as well as anything. 592 00:39:00,920 --> 00:39:03,434 I sometimes think I never shall be well. 593 00:39:03,960 --> 00:39:07,270 You must prepare yourself, my dear, faithful darling, 594 00:39:07,360 --> 00:39:09,828 for the possibility that I shall never be well. 595 00:39:11,280 --> 00:39:13,396 But my darling, what can you mean? The doctors... 596 00:39:13,480 --> 00:39:14,674 Doctors? 597 00:39:15,960 --> 00:39:17,871 What do they know? 598 00:39:17,960 --> 00:39:20,030 - But, my peach... - No, my dear. 599 00:39:20,120 --> 00:39:23,396 If it's not to be, I shall be like this always. 600 00:39:24,120 --> 00:39:26,076 A useless invalid. 601 00:39:26,160 --> 00:39:28,390 Oh, never, my dear. Never. 602 00:39:28,480 --> 00:39:30,232 Never, never, never! 603 00:39:31,560 --> 00:39:35,030 You can be well, but only you can do it. 604 00:39:35,920 --> 00:39:39,071 I read some more of your poems again last night. 605 00:39:39,360 --> 00:39:41,874 They're so rare, so fine. 606 00:39:42,360 --> 00:39:43,998 So absolutely fantastic. 607 00:39:45,480 --> 00:39:47,755 - Fantastic? - Absolutely fantastic. 608 00:39:49,440 --> 00:39:52,432 - How fantastic? - Oh, fantastically fantastic. 609 00:39:53,400 --> 00:39:56,119 My dear, you're so talented, you have so much to offer. 610 00:39:56,200 --> 00:39:57,838 - Do you really think so? - Yes, really. 611 00:39:57,920 --> 00:39:59,880 Why, my dear, you're becoming really quite famous. 612 00:39:59,920 --> 00:40:01,558 - People might... - People! 613 00:40:01,920 --> 00:40:03,717 What do people know? 614 00:40:04,920 --> 00:40:08,356 Oh, Robert, if only you understood how weak I felt. 615 00:40:08,880 --> 00:40:10,836 I do feel so desperately weak. 616 00:40:10,920 --> 00:40:13,070 Oh, but my darling, you must be strong. 617 00:40:16,280 --> 00:40:17,872 You can be strong. 618 00:40:18,200 --> 00:40:19,519 Be strong. 619 00:40:20,200 --> 00:40:23,954 Be strong for me, Elizabeth. Can you be strong for me? 620 00:40:24,640 --> 00:40:26,358 Be strong for me. 621 00:40:27,000 --> 00:40:29,673 Take my hand and walk with me to the window. 622 00:40:29,760 --> 00:40:33,833 Take your hand and walk with you to the window? Robert, what are you saying? 623 00:40:34,080 --> 00:40:38,073 - My darling, you can do it. - Oh, Robert, if Daddy saw me? 624 00:40:38,160 --> 00:40:40,435 Oh, daddies, what do they know? 625 00:40:41,960 --> 00:40:45,270 Darling, don't say that. It hurts me when you say that. 626 00:40:45,440 --> 00:40:48,034 Daddy is good and kind and fine. 627 00:40:48,120 --> 00:40:49,235 Yes, but you're going... 628 00:40:49,320 --> 00:40:53,074 You're going to marry me, Elizabeth. You're not going to marry Daddy. 629 00:40:56,640 --> 00:40:59,712 I am going to marry you, darling, aren't I, when I'm strong and well? 630 00:40:59,800 --> 00:41:01,438 Help me to be strong. 631 00:41:01,520 --> 00:41:03,556 I do so desperately want to be strong. 632 00:41:03,640 --> 00:41:06,871 It'll be such heaven when I'm well and strong again. 633 00:41:06,960 --> 00:41:09,793 I will marry you and write more of my poems. 634 00:41:13,400 --> 00:41:16,392 More of your absolutely fantastic poems. 635 00:41:16,480 --> 00:41:19,517 More of them, yes. You will help me, won't you, Robert? 636 00:41:20,280 --> 00:41:21,952 I'm so afraid. 637 00:41:22,200 --> 00:41:25,749 - So very afraid. - But my darling, you must be brave. 638 00:41:25,920 --> 00:41:29,071 - Every day I pray to God... - God! 639 00:41:30,440 --> 00:41:32,158 What does He know? 640 00:41:33,120 --> 00:41:36,635 Oh, don't talk like that, my autumn rose. It pains me when you speak so. 641 00:41:36,720 --> 00:41:39,757 Come, take my hand and walk with me to the window. 642 00:41:39,840 --> 00:41:41,478 - Be brave and come with me. - Must I? 643 00:41:41,560 --> 00:41:44,472 - Yes, you must and then you will be well. - Well, oh, how I wish I were. 644 00:41:44,560 --> 00:41:46,869 - If you wish you were, then come. - But I cannot, Robert. 645 00:41:46,960 --> 00:41:49,474 - Yes, you can, my Elizabeth. - I'm so desperately weak. 646 00:41:49,560 --> 00:41:52,438 - Come, take my hand, for me. - I'm so desperately afraid. 647 00:41:52,520 --> 00:41:55,159 - Put your hand in mine, I beg you. - But I cannot come. 648 00:41:55,240 --> 00:41:58,596 My darling, if you take my hand and walk with me to the window, 649 00:41:58,680 --> 00:42:00,875 - I promise, I promise... - Yes? 650 00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:03,269 I promise to whip you senseless. 651 00:42:20,440 --> 00:42:22,317 (LIGHT POP MUSIC PLAYING) 652 00:42:26,120 --> 00:42:30,079 ♪ Come join us in the noblest of causes 653 00:42:30,760 --> 00:42:35,231 ♪ The battle for national improvement 654 00:42:35,320 --> 00:42:39,393 ♪ The creaking of leather and uniforms 655 00:42:39,480 --> 00:42:44,395 ♪ Is the hymn of a British Movement 656 00:42:46,560 --> 00:42:50,473 ♪ We promise you riches and prosperity 657 00:42:51,200 --> 00:42:55,796 ♪ Employment for the British working man 658 00:42:55,880 --> 00:42:59,589 ♪ We promise you holidays in America 659 00:43:00,040 --> 00:43:04,033 ♪ On exchange with the Ku Klux Klan 660 00:43:07,240 --> 00:43:11,711 ♪ Eliminate the Paki, exterminate the blackie 661 00:43:11,800 --> 00:43:15,634 ♪ Pull out this disease by the roots 662 00:43:16,120 --> 00:43:20,750 ♪ The British Movement Government would repatriate the immigrant 663 00:43:20,840 --> 00:43:24,469 ♪ To the tramp of Union Jack boots 664 00:43:27,880 --> 00:43:31,634 ♪ Children in football grounds and classrooms 665 00:43:31,720 --> 00:43:36,510 ♪ Are paraded in tidy rank and file 666 00:43:36,600 --> 00:43:40,878 ♪ Incited to multiracial aggro 667 00:43:41,080 --> 00:43:45,312 ♪ Exhorted by the war cry Sieg Heil! 668 00:43:45,400 --> 00:43:46,992 Sieg Heil! 669 00:43:50,080 --> 00:43:54,596 ♪ Imagine our society with skinheads roaming wild and free 670 00:43:54,680 --> 00:43:58,070 ♪ And not a pair of thick lips in sight 671 00:43:59,480 --> 00:44:03,519 ♪ Fumigate the Underground And sterilise the cricket ground 672 00:44:03,600 --> 00:44:05,795 ♪ White hope and white elephant 673 00:44:05,880 --> 00:44:08,030 ♪ Whitewash and white Christmas 674 00:44:08,120 --> 00:44:11,999 ♪ White horse and white rich and white poor 675 00:44:12,320 --> 00:44:14,515 ♪ White dirt and white liquorice 676 00:44:14,600 --> 00:44:16,670 ♪ White helmets, white truncheons 677 00:44:16,760 --> 00:44:20,116 ♪ White face and white Willie Whitelaw ♪