Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked) by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew
(Fran) "Dear Bernard, dear Manny.
"Cornwall is pretty but I'm so bored.
"The highlight of the day is my walk through the village,
"where everyone gawps at me, trying to work out if I'm a virgin.
"It's been so long, I was wondering myself.
"But who cares if I haven't got a boyfriend. Or a job.
"Or a future. I do have a tan.
"At least there's somewhere I can always come back to.
"But you'll probably see me before this arrive...
"Manny, I found some lovely fudge to bring back for you.
"I haven't eaten it yet.
"But I will."
(Traffic)
People might call that invasive but we like to think it shows we care. See you.
(Electrical humming)
(Whirring)
(Alarm)
- How was your trip? - Come back to the shop.
What am I supposed to do?
I'm a girl and it's horrible in here.
Hi. I'm looking for a book of poetry by Graham Greene.
I don't think it's in print but I was just wondering...
- Where'd you get this? - Next door.
- Get out. - What?
You went next door. Try the other door next door.
- It's a Chinese takeaway. - Try the next door.
"He who goes next door must travel many doors."
- I only want an old copy of... - The next door you travel through
is the one you came in. Goodbye!
The cheek!
He's pushing round a vacuum cleaner with a smiley face on it.
Isn't that exactly the kind of vacuum cleaner he'd use?
Hello. I'm looking for somewhere in the Bloomsbury area,
overlooking Hyde Park, with a good view of the river
and a spiral staircase.
My budget is 100 a week.
Yes, I could share.
18 people. That's quite a lot.
Yeah. OK. How near is "virtually on the doorstep of central London"?
Kent. OK. Fine.
Yes, I suppose I could do a couple of shifts a week.
No, I won't go topless.
- Well, maybe in the early shows. - Manny.
OK. But everyone deserves a second chance.
I wouldn't take you back if we were the last people on Earth,
Earth was on fire,
I was starving and you had magic-fire-extinguisher breath
and sleeves that shot out crisps.
That's somewhere to work from, don't you think?
(Chuckles)
(Chuckles fondly)
Aah.
(Snuffles)
Are you all right? You look sick.
I'm fine. How-how can I help you?
Is there anyone I can ring? A friend?
There's no such thing. Friends are just enemies you haven't met yet.
- Shall I call doctor? - No. No!
None of them. They're all Satanists.
(Coughs) That's why they write "ambulance" backwards.
They fling you in the back and make you fill out forms,
sloshing around in your own blood. I don't want that.
Call this woman. Call this woman. Tell her to bring Am-Ambrose.
(Snuffles, snorts)
- Is Ambrose OK? - Not a bother.
- Is it true he was ordained? - He's in, all right.
They were lucky to get him.
- How are you doing now? - Fatima, I could bite a tiger.
You can unplug, so.
(Squeaking)
Remember now, no booze or smokes for the next 24 hours.
Otherwise the body will reject itself. I've seen it happen.
- It's not pretty. Promise me? - I promise, Fatima. I promise.
Thanks very much.
- Good luck now. - Thank you.
Bye, Ambrose.
(Clicking fingers)
Oh, one little drink can't hurt.
And a quick, nutritious smoke.
Mmm.
Mm-mm-mm-mm mmm.
(Breathes heavily)
(Buzzing)
Oh.
Oh! (Sobs)
No!
(Strains)
All right, calm, calm.
Easier with the light off.
One, two, three, go!
- (Buzzing) - (Yelps)
Oh, thank God!
- (Bell tinkles) - (Both) Customer!
- Do you have the new Doom Castle? - The what?
The books where children worship a horned god.
Yes, just over here.
Anything that gets them reading, eh?
- 6.66. - All her friends love it, too.
- They have little ceremonies. - (Hoarsely) We observe the sacred rites.
As all must.
OK. Hockey practice.
Come, book.
Come, lolly.
(Both) Lolly, lolly, lolly.
Lol...
Tidy. Nice and tidy.
I'll make the next pot. You just relax.
(Squeaking)
Moo-Ma, I'd better do this.
I could take a look at that, if you like. I've got my multitool with me.
- No, that's all right, thanks. - No, I'll sort it out.
Don't be like this. You must have to spend time with your parents, too.
- No. - Well, you must call them sometimes.
I don't, no.
- No, nor me. - Why would you? They're busy.
They get up at half-five so they don't miss their naps at lunch time.
Then there's the garden.
Also, there might be a programme on Radio 4
about the history of onions or jute.
- I'm not going back up there. - Come on. It's just till Sunday.
Come on.
Ohh...
This is lovely, isn't it?
Mm. Not sure about those sweets he left out for us, though.
- Sweets? - In that little plastic tray.
Oh, George, you've eaten my earplugs!
Did I? I'm sorry.
Do you think Manny's a bit nervous, a bit... jumpy?
Especially when we talk about his work.
- Shall I tell you what I think? - What?
He's suffering from executive stress.
I've heard about that on the radio.
It's a big problem with high achievers. Especially in London.
We'll look after him tomorrow.
Are you tired?
Who wants to know?
Are we old, Mary?
I don't feel old.
I'm surprised you feel anything, with all that brandy inside you.
And no, actually, I don't feel all that tired.
George.
(Snoring)
- Hi. Can I take that, please? - That's a fiver.
Oh, I've no change. Why don't we have a bet instead?
You win, you keep the book. I win, I get the tenner.
OK. What are we gonna bet on?
Erm... anything. The next person who walks in, it's gonna be a woman.
All right. Fiver says it's a man.
OK.
Hah!
Yes! Yes! I love you! Yes!
Yes! I wager, I triumph. It is law. I win.
Bye-bye.
Now, this is the desk.
- And this is the chair. - I know. Now, I thought we might...
Don't interrupt.
This is the till and this stays on the desk.
The chair remains next to the desk.
Other people have ripped this system off! I have seen it elsewhere.
Right. Well, this... is the phone.
This is the stapler. This is the lamp, the till...
Oh, oh, can you run all that by me one more time?
(Sighs) Right. Well, this is the desk, this is the chair...
Stop. This is a woman who ran her own business for years.
- Come on, there's work to do. - You're keen. I like that.
But wait. This is the book.
Now, when we make a sale, it goes in the book.
The title goes here, the cost here. At the end of the day, we add up.
- Where's the running total? - Here... what? You don't need one.
- I'll keep one. - No.
I have worked in a shop. I was the manager. I kept a running total.
- Didn't stop you going bankrupt. - We'll keep a running total.
- There's no column for it. - Yes, there is.
The... book! The book. The book.
The phone! The till!
The stapler!
N... no. No! Not the lamp. Not the lamp!
Daah!
Now, it has come to my attention
this morning, when I was reviewing my portfolio,
that I can't afford two employees.
- That's not fair... - He should go...
An interesting situation.
I am reminded of the parable of the talents, in which, as you may recall,
Jesus has to give some... talents to some people.
And... and then he has to do something and then...
the people go away. And then... then the end.
- That doesn't... - But...
Anyway... I am reminded of it.
So, what I'm prepared to do is
you can have a week in which to sell as many books as possible.
That was a very enjoyable evening. I'll be off now.
Bernard, it's six in the morning.
Even when I slip you killer cards, you still lose. You're hopeless.
- Just a bit more, I'm nearly there. - No, I'm going to my job interview.
If I can just get 12 seconds' sleep I'll be fine.
Manny, come on, play. I've got a queen and a two. What have you got?
Hah!
Mrs Bun says, "Suck my crust."
Oh, Manny. It really does mean a lot to you, doesn't it?
It was the whole point of me being born.
I know.
- But he picked me. - What? That's it?
You're just gonna lope off with him, like his bit of tropical totty?
Yes, I am. Yes. Yes. His Jungle Julie. His Savannah Susannah.
- His Knapsack Nancy. - Ohh...
- His Machete Betty. - No.
His Sahara Tamara. His Congo Clara.
What would you be, his Forrest Gump?
What time is it? Can we close yet?
Well, that one's slow. That one's fast. That one's stopped.
So, if I take the first clock, add that to the second, divide by that,
nah-nah nah, it's half past three.
It's been half past three for hours.
Oh, sorry, I forgot to carry the two.
Er, right. According to my calculations, it is exactly 8:35pm
last Wednesday.
Hey, you're still open.
- It's Friday night. - Friday night?
We should've been closed hours ago.
Time to get out of these work clothes.
Look at my new phone.
Look, it's got web access, it's got a camera.
- Look, it's got everything. - Can it stop boring conversations?
- No, none of them can do that. - Mine can. Shut up about your phone.
I always think days of the week have their own, distinct personality.
Er, Monday is sort of... Well, I don't really know.
Tuesday is kind of... Well, I don't really know.
Or Wednesday. Or Thursday.
Or Saturday or Sunday.
But Friday... Friday's great!
Thanks for sharing, Manny!
Right. Now... I think tonight's gonna be something special.
Oh, that means it's just us three again.
Look, you don't know anybody.
You'll spend all evening talking about this amazing new guacamole.
Or the new film with Ben Affleck, where he has 50 million nipples
and lives in space or something.
Or you could spend it with your proper friends who ignore you.
You could read. We don't even have to talk. There's Proust, he's very good.
- You haven't read Proust. - We go way back.
- What happens in Proust? - He's a French bloke.
Wakes up in France, has a biscuit, thinks, "What did I do yesterday?"
For 3,000 pages. Brilliant. Very French.
No thanks. There's nothing new to do in here.
We could always sit in the garden.