0 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,000 Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked) by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew 1 00:00:04,327 --> 00:00:06,716 (Fran) "Dear Bernard, dear Manny. 2 00:00:06,767 --> 00:00:10,521 "Cornwall is pretty but I'm so bored. 3 00:00:10,567 --> 00:00:14,446 "The highlight of the day is my walk through the village, 4 00:00:14,487 --> 00:00:18,480 "where everyone gawps at me, trying to work out if I'm a virgin. 5 00:00:18,527 --> 00:00:21,997 "It's been so long, I was wondering myself. 6 00:00:22,047 --> 00:00:26,165 "But who cares if I haven't got a boyfriend. Or a job. 7 00:00:26,207 --> 00:00:28,880 "Or a future. I do have a tan. 8 00:00:30,167 --> 00:00:33,762 "At least there's somewhere I can always come back to. 9 00:00:33,807 --> 00:00:37,800 "But you'll probably see me before this arrive... 10 00:00:38,887 --> 00:00:43,039 "Manny, I found some lovely fudge to bring back for you. 11 00:00:43,087 --> 00:00:45,078 "I haven't eaten it yet. 12 00:00:45,127 --> 00:00:47,118 "But I will." 13 00:00:51,487 --> 00:00:53,603 (Traffic) 14 00:01:04,487 --> 00:01:09,277 People might call that invasive but we like to think it shows we care. See you. 15 00:01:15,367 --> 00:01:17,358 (Electrical humming) 16 00:01:21,047 --> 00:01:23,038 (Whirring) 17 00:01:43,607 --> 00:01:44,881 (Alarm) 18 00:01:46,567 --> 00:01:49,957 - How was your trip? - Come back to the shop. 19 00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:55,563 What am I supposed to do? 20 00:01:55,607 --> 00:01:58,758 I'm a girl and it's horrible in here. 21 00:02:03,767 --> 00:02:08,045 Hi. I'm looking for a book of poetry by Graham Greene. 22 00:02:08,087 --> 00:02:11,636 I don't think it's in print but I was just wondering... 23 00:02:12,607 --> 00:02:16,077 - Where'd you get this? - Next door. 24 00:02:16,127 --> 00:02:18,766 - Get out. - What? 25 00:02:18,807 --> 00:02:22,402 You went next door. Try the other door next door. 26 00:02:22,447 --> 00:02:25,519 - It's a Chinese takeaway. - Try the next door. 27 00:02:25,567 --> 00:02:29,401 "He who goes next door must travel many doors." 28 00:02:29,447 --> 00:02:33,759 - I only want an old copy of... - The next door you travel through 29 00:02:33,807 --> 00:02:36,560 is the one you came in. Goodbye! 30 00:02:37,767 --> 00:02:39,758 The cheek! 31 00:02:43,607 --> 00:02:47,964 He's pushing round a vacuum cleaner with a smiley face on it. 32 00:02:48,007 --> 00:02:52,000 Isn't that exactly the kind of vacuum cleaner he'd use? 33 00:03:01,087 --> 00:03:04,841 Hello. I'm looking for somewhere in the Bloomsbury area, 34 00:03:04,887 --> 00:03:08,482 overlooking Hyde Park, with a good view of the river 35 00:03:08,527 --> 00:03:10,518 and a spiral staircase. 36 00:03:10,567 --> 00:03:12,956 My budget is 100 a week. 37 00:03:14,127 --> 00:03:16,118 Yes, I could share. 38 00:03:16,167 --> 00:03:18,965 18 people. That's quite a lot. 39 00:03:19,007 --> 00:03:25,480 Yeah. OK. How near is "virtually on the doorstep of central London"? 40 00:03:25,527 --> 00:03:27,643 Kent. OK. Fine. 41 00:03:28,887 --> 00:03:32,800 Yes, I suppose I could do a couple of shifts a week. 42 00:03:32,847 --> 00:03:34,838 No, I won't go topless. 43 00:03:35,807 --> 00:03:39,038 - Well, maybe in the early shows. - Manny. 44 00:03:42,287 --> 00:03:45,643 OK. But everyone deserves a second chance. 45 00:03:45,687 --> 00:03:49,726 I wouldn't take you back if we were the last people on Earth, 46 00:03:49,767 --> 00:03:52,565 Earth was on fire, 47 00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:58,999 I was starving and you had magic-fire-extinguisher breath 48 00:03:59,047 --> 00:04:01,925 and sleeves that shot out crisps. 49 00:04:07,647 --> 00:04:11,083 That's somewhere to work from, don't you think? 50 00:04:15,167 --> 00:04:17,158 (Chuckles) 51 00:04:26,807 --> 00:04:29,275 (Chuckles fondly) 52 00:04:34,007 --> 00:04:35,998 Aah. 53 00:04:49,127 --> 00:04:51,118 (Snuffles) 54 00:04:58,847 --> 00:05:01,884 Are you all right? You look sick. 55 00:05:02,767 --> 00:05:05,361 I'm fine. How-how can I help you? 56 00:05:06,407 --> 00:05:09,205 Is there anyone I can ring? A friend? 57 00:05:09,247 --> 00:05:13,843 There's no such thing. Friends are just enemies you haven't met yet. 58 00:05:14,967 --> 00:05:17,606 - Shall I call doctor? - No. No! 59 00:05:17,647 --> 00:05:20,207 None of them. They're all Satanists. 60 00:05:20,247 --> 00:05:24,798 (Coughs) That's why they write "ambulance" backwards. 61 00:05:26,287 --> 00:05:30,280 They fling you in the back and make you fill out forms, 62 00:05:30,327 --> 00:05:34,684 sloshing around in your own blood. I don't want that. 63 00:05:35,687 --> 00:05:40,920 Call this woman. Call this woman. Tell her to bring Am-Ambrose. 64 00:05:42,487 --> 00:05:44,478 (Snuffles, snorts) 65 00:05:52,127 --> 00:05:54,846 - Is Ambrose OK? - Not a bother. 66 00:05:54,887 --> 00:05:58,675 - Is it true he was ordained? - He's in, all right. 67 00:05:58,727 --> 00:06:00,763 They were lucky to get him. 68 00:06:00,807 --> 00:06:04,117 - How are you doing now? - Fatima, I could bite a tiger. 69 00:06:04,167 --> 00:06:06,158 You can unplug, so. 70 00:06:07,567 --> 00:06:09,558 (Squeaking) 71 00:06:14,127 --> 00:06:19,326 Remember now, no booze or smokes for the next 24 hours. 72 00:06:19,367 --> 00:06:23,997 Otherwise the body will reject itself. I've seen it happen. 73 00:06:24,047 --> 00:06:28,563 - It's not pretty. Promise me? - I promise, Fatima. I promise. 74 00:06:28,607 --> 00:06:30,598 Thanks very much. 75 00:06:30,647 --> 00:06:32,478 - Good luck now. - Thank you. 76 00:06:32,527 --> 00:06:34,518 Bye, Ambrose. 77 00:06:43,167 --> 00:06:45,158 (Clicking fingers) 78 00:06:50,847 --> 00:06:53,077 Oh, one little drink can't hurt. 79 00:06:53,127 --> 00:06:55,357 And a quick, nutritious smoke. 80 00:07:03,527 --> 00:07:05,518 Mmm. 81 00:07:06,687 --> 00:07:08,678 Mm-mm-mm-mm mmm. 82 00:07:12,887 --> 00:07:14,878 (Breathes heavily) 83 00:07:23,207 --> 00:07:25,198 (Buzzing) 84 00:07:27,607 --> 00:07:29,598 Oh. 85 00:07:29,647 --> 00:07:31,638 Oh! (Sobs) 86 00:07:34,167 --> 00:07:36,158 No! 87 00:07:36,207 --> 00:07:38,198 (Strains) 88 00:07:39,727 --> 00:07:42,036 All right, calm, calm. 89 00:07:42,087 --> 00:07:44,555 Easier with the light off. 90 00:07:47,247 --> 00:07:50,205 One, two, three, go! 91 00:07:50,247 --> 00:07:52,556 - (Buzzing) - (Yelps) 92 00:08:03,047 --> 00:08:05,038 Oh, thank God! 93 00:08:19,429 --> 00:08:22,307 - (Bell tinkles) - (Both) Customer! 94 00:08:23,309 --> 00:08:27,097 - Do you have the new Doom Castle? - The what? 95 00:08:27,149 --> 00:08:30,346 The books where children worship a horned god. 96 00:08:30,389 --> 00:08:32,698 Yes, just over here. 97 00:08:35,429 --> 00:08:37,579 Anything that gets them reading, eh? 98 00:08:37,629 --> 00:08:40,860 - 6.66. - All her friends love it, too. 99 00:08:40,909 --> 00:08:45,539 - They have little ceremonies. - (Hoarsely) We observe the sacred rites. 100 00:08:45,589 --> 00:08:48,228 As all must. 101 00:08:50,389 --> 00:08:52,664 OK. Hockey practice. 102 00:08:58,709 --> 00:09:01,098 Come, book. 103 00:09:12,869 --> 00:09:14,825 Come, lolly. 104 00:09:29,549 --> 00:09:34,498 (Both) Lolly, lolly, lolly. 105 00:09:34,549 --> 00:09:36,540 Lol... 106 00:09:48,011 --> 00:09:51,640 Tidy. Nice and tidy. 107 00:10:02,851 --> 00:10:05,649 I'll make the next pot. You just relax. 108 00:10:12,051 --> 00:10:14,042 (Squeaking) 109 00:10:22,771 --> 00:10:24,762 (Squeaking) 110 00:10:26,411 --> 00:10:28,641 Moo-Ma, I'd better do this. 111 00:10:42,771 --> 00:10:47,162 I could take a look at that, if you like. I've got my multitool with me. 112 00:10:47,211 --> 00:10:51,124 - No, that's all right, thanks. - No, I'll sort it out. 113 00:11:00,531 --> 00:11:06,322 Don't be like this. You must have to spend time with your parents, too. 114 00:11:06,371 --> 00:11:09,602 - No. - Well, you must call them sometimes. 115 00:11:09,651 --> 00:11:11,642 I don't, no. 116 00:11:11,691 --> 00:11:15,889 - No, nor me. - Why would you? They're busy. 117 00:11:15,931 --> 00:11:19,924 They get up at half-five so they don't miss their naps at lunch time. 118 00:11:19,971 --> 00:11:21,962 Then there's the garden. 119 00:11:22,011 --> 00:11:25,083 Also, there might be a programme on Radio 4 120 00:11:25,131 --> 00:11:27,565 about the history of onions or jute. 121 00:11:27,611 --> 00:11:32,446 - I'm not going back up there. - Come on. It's just till Sunday. 122 00:11:33,411 --> 00:11:35,402 Come on. 123 00:11:35,451 --> 00:11:37,442 Ohh... 124 00:11:45,691 --> 00:11:47,921 This is lovely, isn't it? 125 00:11:47,971 --> 00:11:52,522 Mm. Not sure about those sweets he left out for us, though. 126 00:11:52,571 --> 00:11:56,041 - Sweets? - In that little plastic tray. 127 00:11:56,931 --> 00:12:00,321 Oh, George, you've eaten my earplugs! 128 00:12:01,531 --> 00:12:03,601 Did I? I'm sorry. 129 00:12:05,731 --> 00:12:10,441 Do you think Manny's a bit nervous, a bit... jumpy? 130 00:12:10,491 --> 00:12:13,483 Especially when we talk about his work. 131 00:12:13,531 --> 00:12:15,761 - Shall I tell you what I think? - What? 132 00:12:15,811 --> 00:12:18,928 He's suffering from executive stress. 133 00:12:19,931 --> 00:12:22,650 I've heard about that on the radio. 134 00:12:22,691 --> 00:12:27,003 It's a big problem with high achievers. Especially in London. 135 00:12:28,051 --> 00:12:30,246 We'll look after him tomorrow. 136 00:12:38,051 --> 00:12:40,042 Are you tired? 137 00:12:41,131 --> 00:12:43,122 Who wants to know? 138 00:12:45,731 --> 00:12:47,722 Are we old, Mary? 139 00:12:47,771 --> 00:12:49,887 I don't feel old. 140 00:12:49,931 --> 00:12:54,243 I'm surprised you feel anything, with all that brandy inside you. 141 00:12:55,451 --> 00:13:00,161 And no, actually, I don't feel all that tired. 142 00:13:02,291 --> 00:13:04,327 George. 143 00:13:06,411 --> 00:13:08,402 (Snoring) 144 00:13:16,113 --> 00:13:19,662 - Hi. Can I take that, please? - That's a fiver. 145 00:13:19,713 --> 00:13:23,547 Oh, I've no change. Why don't we have a bet instead? 146 00:13:25,593 --> 00:13:29,268 You win, you keep the book. I win, I get the tenner. 147 00:13:29,313 --> 00:13:31,668 OK. What are we gonna bet on? 148 00:13:31,713 --> 00:13:36,389 Erm... anything. The next person who walks in, it's gonna be a woman. 149 00:13:36,433 --> 00:13:39,266 All right. Fiver says it's a man. 150 00:13:40,713 --> 00:13:42,431 OK. 151 00:13:43,993 --> 00:13:45,984 Hah! 152 00:13:48,753 --> 00:13:51,347 Yes! Yes! I love you! Yes! 153 00:13:51,393 --> 00:13:56,148 Yes! I wager, I triumph. It is law. I win. 154 00:13:56,833 --> 00:13:58,824 Bye-bye. 155 00:14:03,993 --> 00:14:06,985 Now, this is the desk. 156 00:14:07,033 --> 00:14:11,231 - And this is the chair. - I know. Now, I thought we might... 157 00:14:11,273 --> 00:14:13,423 Don't interrupt. 158 00:14:13,473 --> 00:14:17,102 This is the till and this stays on the desk. 159 00:14:17,153 --> 00:14:19,872 The chair remains next to the desk. 160 00:14:19,913 --> 00:14:25,112 Other people have ripped this system off! I have seen it elsewhere. 161 00:14:26,713 --> 00:14:30,547 Right. Well, this... is the phone. 162 00:14:30,593 --> 00:14:34,871 This is the stapler. This is the lamp, the till... 163 00:14:34,913 --> 00:14:38,622 Oh, oh, can you run all that by me one more time? 164 00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:44,941 (Sighs) Right. Well, this is the desk, this is the chair... 165 00:14:44,993 --> 00:14:49,509 Stop. This is a woman who ran her own business for years. 166 00:14:49,553 --> 00:14:54,069 - Come on, there's work to do. - You're keen. I like that. 167 00:14:54,113 --> 00:14:57,901 But wait. This is the book. 168 00:14:59,353 --> 00:15:02,823 Now, when we make a sale, it goes in the book. 169 00:15:02,873 --> 00:15:08,072 The title goes here, the cost here. At the end of the day, we add up. 170 00:15:09,673 --> 00:15:13,871 - Where's the running total? - Here... what? You don't need one. 171 00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:16,143 - I'll keep one. - No. 172 00:15:16,193 --> 00:15:21,506 I have worked in a shop. I was the manager. I kept a running total. 173 00:15:21,553 --> 00:15:26,183 - Didn't stop you going bankrupt. - We'll keep a running total. 174 00:15:26,233 --> 00:15:29,430 - There's no column for it. - Yes, there is. 175 00:15:30,433 --> 00:15:34,108 The... book! The book. The book. 176 00:15:35,673 --> 00:15:38,141 The phone! The till! 177 00:15:38,193 --> 00:15:40,184 The stapler! 178 00:15:43,193 --> 00:15:46,663 N... no. No! Not the lamp. Not the lamp! 179 00:15:47,713 --> 00:15:50,068 Daah! 180 00:15:54,313 --> 00:15:56,622 Now, it has come to my attention 181 00:15:56,673 --> 00:16:00,188 this morning, when I was reviewing my portfolio, 182 00:16:00,233 --> 00:16:02,952 that I can't afford two employees. 183 00:16:02,993 --> 00:16:05,427 - That's not fair... - He should go... 184 00:16:05,473 --> 00:16:07,941 An interesting situation. 185 00:16:09,393 --> 00:16:14,751 I am reminded of the parable of the talents, in which, as you may recall, 186 00:16:14,793 --> 00:16:21,028 Jesus has to give some... talents to some people. 187 00:16:21,073 --> 00:16:24,702 And... and then he has to do something and then... 188 00:16:25,713 --> 00:16:30,025 the people go away. And then... then the end. 189 00:16:30,593 --> 00:16:32,390 - That doesn't... - But... 190 00:16:32,433 --> 00:16:34,947 Anyway... I am reminded of it. 191 00:16:34,993 --> 00:16:37,302 So, what I'm prepared to do is 192 00:16:37,353 --> 00:16:41,346 you can have a week in which to sell as many books as possible. 193 00:17:23,633 --> 00:17:27,023 That was a very enjoyable evening. I'll be off now. 194 00:17:28,793 --> 00:17:32,024 Bernard, it's six in the morning. 195 00:17:32,073 --> 00:17:36,351 Even when I slip you killer cards, you still lose. You're hopeless. 196 00:17:36,393 --> 00:17:40,432 - Just a bit more, I'm nearly there. - No, I'm going to my job interview. 197 00:17:40,473 --> 00:17:43,385 If I can just get 12 seconds' sleep I'll be fine. 198 00:17:45,113 --> 00:17:50,141 Manny, come on, play. I've got a queen and a two. What have you got? 199 00:17:51,793 --> 00:17:53,385 Hah! 200 00:17:53,433 --> 00:17:56,823 Mrs Bun says, "Suck my crust." 201 00:18:03,575 --> 00:18:07,568 Oh, Manny. It really does mean a lot to you, doesn't it? 202 00:18:07,615 --> 00:18:10,812 It was the whole point of me being born. 203 00:18:11,615 --> 00:18:13,606 I know. 204 00:18:15,055 --> 00:18:18,604 - But he picked me. - What? That's it? 205 00:18:18,655 --> 00:18:23,683 You're just gonna lope off with him, like his bit of tropical totty? 206 00:18:23,735 --> 00:18:28,365 Yes, I am. Yes. Yes. His Jungle Julie. His Savannah Susannah. 207 00:18:29,175 --> 00:18:31,735 - His Knapsack Nancy. - Ohh... 208 00:18:31,775 --> 00:18:34,243 - His Machete Betty. - No. 209 00:18:34,295 --> 00:18:37,924 His Sahara Tamara. His Congo Clara. 210 00:18:37,975 --> 00:18:41,047 What would you be, his Forrest Gump? 211 00:18:47,756 --> 00:18:50,429 What time is it? Can we close yet? 212 00:18:51,236 --> 00:18:56,026 Well, that one's slow. That one's fast. That one's stopped. 213 00:18:56,796 --> 00:19:02,075 So, if I take the first clock, add that to the second, divide by that, 214 00:19:02,116 --> 00:19:04,550 nah-nah nah, it's half past three. 215 00:19:04,596 --> 00:19:07,064 It's been half past three for hours. 216 00:19:07,116 --> 00:19:10,153 Oh, sorry, I forgot to carry the two. 217 00:19:10,196 --> 00:19:14,872 Er, right. According to my calculations, it is exactly 8:35pm 218 00:19:14,916 --> 00:19:16,907 last Wednesday. 219 00:19:18,356 --> 00:19:20,711 Hey, you're still open. 220 00:19:20,756 --> 00:19:24,032 - It's Friday night. - Friday night? 221 00:19:24,076 --> 00:19:26,909 We should've been closed hours ago. 222 00:19:29,036 --> 00:19:31,425 Time to get out of these work clothes. 223 00:19:31,476 --> 00:19:33,467 Look at my new phone. 224 00:19:33,516 --> 00:19:36,906 Look, it's got web access, it's got a camera. 225 00:19:36,956 --> 00:19:41,029 - Look, it's got everything. - Can it stop boring conversations? 226 00:19:41,076 --> 00:19:45,513 - No, none of them can do that. - Mine can. Shut up about your phone. 227 00:19:46,996 --> 00:19:51,467 I always think days of the week have their own, distinct personality. 228 00:19:51,516 --> 00:19:54,906 Er, Monday is sort of... Well, I don't really know. 229 00:19:54,956 --> 00:19:58,551 Tuesday is kind of... Well, I don't really know. 230 00:19:58,596 --> 00:20:00,905 Or Wednesday. Or Thursday. 231 00:20:00,956 --> 00:20:03,390 Or Saturday or Sunday. 232 00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:05,950 But Friday... Friday's great! 233 00:20:08,716 --> 00:20:10,593 Thanks for sharing, Manny! 234 00:20:12,276 --> 00:20:16,428 Right. Now... I think tonight's gonna be something special. 235 00:20:19,036 --> 00:20:22,426 Oh, that means it's just us three again. 236 00:20:24,036 --> 00:20:26,470 Look, you don't know anybody. 237 00:20:26,516 --> 00:20:31,306 You'll spend all evening talking about this amazing new guacamole. 238 00:20:31,356 --> 00:20:35,872 Or the new film with Ben Affleck, where he has 50 million nipples 239 00:20:35,916 --> 00:20:38,874 and lives in space or something. 240 00:20:38,916 --> 00:20:42,909 Or you could spend it with your proper friends who ignore you. 241 00:20:42,956 --> 00:20:48,792 You could read. We don't even have to talk. There's Proust, he's very good. 242 00:20:48,836 --> 00:20:52,351 - You haven't read Proust. - We go way back. 243 00:20:52,396 --> 00:20:55,945 - What happens in Proust? - He's a French bloke. 244 00:20:55,996 --> 00:21:00,274 Wakes up in France, has a biscuit, thinks, "What did I do yesterday?" 245 00:21:00,316 --> 00:21:02,955 For 3,000 pages. Brilliant. Very French. 246 00:21:02,996 --> 00:21:06,750 No thanks. There's nothing new to do in here. 247 00:21:06,796 --> 00:21:09,105 We could always sit in the garden.