- Manny. - Hm.
- (Sighs) Manny. - Ah-ah.
What time is it? Can we close up yet?
Hey, you're still open. It's Friday night.
Friday night? We should have been closed hours ago.
Time to get out of these work clothes.
Look, Bernard, look at my new phone.
It's got web access, it's got a camera, it can do everything.
- Can it stop boring conversations? - No, none of them can do that.
Mine can. Shut up about your phone.
I think tonight's gonna be something special.
- We should open our best bottle. - Not the £4.49!
Tonight's the night. This is the stuff Napoleon would have drunk
if he'd been a bit strapped and he couldn't get anything else.
Mm. Mm! Audacious.
Mm. Look at the robe on that.
Mm. (Sniffs) Ah, strawberry notes.
I'm getting caramel, I'm getting bitumen.
I'm getting red wine up my nose!
Notice anything different about me?
You've turned into a heron.
No.
Wait a minute, I've got it. Your ears are bigger.
My hair! Isn't it perfect? Aren't I divine?
I'm more me than I've ever been.
I can't believe you didn't notice.
Men have a different way of noticing hair. Which is not noticing it.
Gianni, my stylist, only charged me 85 quid.
My stylist is free. He's called Manicio.
I do it with a bread knife. Zip, zip, zip.
- I'm feeling a bit top-heavy. - Ahh.
Mm. Mm. S...
Mm. (Trills)
Why am I here, wasting my hair on your eyes?
I should be getting slavishly admired.
Ah, but you will. Because tonight... we go out.
- Why? - Cos it's Friday.
It's Friday night.
It was Friday night last week and it'll be Friday night every week
until we're dead and even then the whole, rotten business will go on.
But it's Friday now and we're here, young, alive.
- He's right. We should go out. - What are the options?
- Erm... cinema. - No smoking.
- Bowling. - Can't do the shoe thing.
- Theatre. - (AII laugh)
What about a restaurant? We could try Yo! Liver.
- I know of a party. - What party?
- My friends John and Ann. Teachers. - What's the place like?
Big kitchen/living room. Friendly place.
Right. So, it's a fridge-centred 25 to 40s party.
Chilli-shaped fairy lights, beer in the bath.
Lots of yuppies, dinkies and yummies.
Lively fun but it won't get out of hand. Yes, I'm listening.
- My hair says, "Go, baby!" - Yes!
- Sounds awful. How far is it? - Two minutes.
Too far. We're not going. We've got all we need here.
Oh, that means it's just us three again.
- We could sit in the garden. - (Both) Garden?
There's a garden out the back. I'm sure it's still there.
Come on.
(Traffic humming)
Right, so you don't want to sit in the garden.
We'll just have a nice glass of wine, OK?
There's more here somewhere.
Ooh, no. No, there isn't, Bernard.
Friday night, no booze.
Crisis. What can we do?
I know, we'll go to the party. That's what we'll do!
I am picking up a certain keenness from you about this party.
- There's no other reason to go? - Absolutely not.
- Except there is a... girl. - A what?
Girl. She's gonna be there.
I've met her before and I was hoping to meet her again.
We don't have to wait for Bernard.
It has to be all three. If I go with you and get talking to her,
then you'll be hovering, hovering. And a girl gets awkward, awkward.
Because she thinks that you and I are a thing, thing.
But all three of us go, then I catch her eye, peel off, natural, natural.
We need Bernard to get to my person.
You know I don't approve of you seeing other girls... people.
Who is she, this so-called person?
Rowena. She's a friend of Ann's.
Oh, I see. Ro-weena.
Ro-weeena.
(Farting noise) And what am I supposed to do
when you do the underpants-Charleston with this insane, blind tart?
Why are you so angry?
- I always get angry when I'm furious. - It's no big deal.
Before you move to the country to raise your bearded freak circus...
What's she like? What are her prospects?
- She's nice. - Oh, she's nice?
Don't make me get sick into my own scorn.
Does she play the viola? Embroider? Is she kind to the servants?
I just know that I like her. And there's a chance she likes me.
- That's all. - Right, we are going to this party.
Cos I'm trying to picture this girl who likes you.
And all I can see is you in a dress.
- Come on, come on. - Oh, oh, wait. We can't go yet.
- (Both) Why? - I need my kit.
Kazoo. Snuff.
Thimbles. Amulet.
Swabs. Plums.
It's things to accidentally leave behind, near to Rowena.
She'll find them later and I can ring her up.
Can't you just ring and say, "I'd like to see you again"?
Don't be stupid. I don't want her to think I'm gay.
- Can we go now? - Yeah. Let's par...
Don't you dare you the word "party" as a verb in this shop!
Let's p... otter along in order to attend the party.
- Fran, get the wine. - Sure.
What? Lies! Subterfuge!
Seething corruption!
(Drunken singing, crashing about)
(Man) Oi! You lot! Be quiet!
(AIl) Shut up!
(Bernard) Is it here? (Fran) No. Here. You live... here.
(Bernard) The key won't go in the thing!
- Bernard, you're using your finger. - Oh, yeah.
- My hair. Is my hair still good? - Yeah, you're a vision.
See? I told you about hair power.
Three blokes put their phone numbers into my new phone.
Look.
I'm dancing.
- Why aren't you dancing? - There's no music.
Sing us a song, then. You're Irish.
That's what the Irish do after a drink, isn't it?
What would I sing?
Mm... something about cliffs and a girl with golden black hair.
And the English all being bad.
- Sing it yourself. - Fine.
# Oh, Eamonn, Danny dear
- # I miss the Galway Bay - (# Generic Irish tune)
# And I'll sing for all I got
# And a riddle-diddle Dublin and a riddle-diddle Donegal
# The English are all bollocks #
Oh, no. This is no good, we need proper music.
Let's have a dancing competition.
I'll go first and then it's you, Manny, OK?
(# Motorhead: The Ace Of Spades)
'# Pushing up the ante I know you got to see me
- # Read 'em and weep... # - I'm going next. That's rubbish.
I saw you at the party - you embarrassed us.
- I'll have you any day. - You can't do this.
# The ace of spades the ace of spades #
Why would I want to do that?
Why would I want to when I can do this?
(Music stops)
- (Coughs and splutters) - Oh...
(Fran) Oh...
Oh! What is this... I'm drinking? It's disgu...
It's like a choc ice fell into a bottle of bleach.
It's children's booze! What's yours?
Bludge. It's quite good, actually. You don't even have to drink it.
You just rub it on your hips and it eats right through to your liver.
- Manny, what's yours? - Delicio's beetroot liqueur.
- Give us a bit. Swap, come on. - No. It's mine!
Manny, don't be a baby. It sounds nice. Pour some.
I'll have one with ice and on fire.
- Come on. - It's mine. It's all mine!
- I'm gonna get blind drunk. - Don't be silly.
- You'll regret it tomorrow. - No!
Why are you always bringing the mood down?
I didn't wanna leave that party, it was great.
No, it wasn't! The music was too loud, the food was cold.
The drinks were few and the people many.
It was everything I expected. And less.
I'm never going outside again unless I need someplace to throw up.
Anyway, you got your chance with her. What did you talk about?
Offshore wind farms.
I couldn't think of anything else.
Never mind. I'm sure you left a bunsen burner behind.
You can get it tomorrow and propose.
No! I couldn't find the right moment to plant anything.
She kept following me around, in the kitchen, the bedroom, bathroom.
Every time I put something down, "You dropped your kazoo.
"Ooh, you got snuff on your plums."
A total waste of time.
Frankly, you're doomed. You and all the shy people are.
Natural selection favours the loud and aggressive.
I don't mean this in a bad way but genetically you are... a cul-de-sac.
OK. OK, I tried. All right? It didn't work.
At least I tried to make a connection with another person.
When have you ever done that? Eh?
Exactly. You don't actually have a heart, Bernard. Just a shard of ice.
- Flint. - Sorry?
Flint. I always saw it as a piece of flint.
Oh. You don't see yourself as a human.
You... you... you're some kind of superior species, aren't you?
Homo Bernardus. Scorning every fool who believes in happiness.
Manny, shush. This is the beetroot talking.
You don't know what love is.
You don't un... You don't know!
- I had a girlfriend. She died. - And anyway... What?
That's right. Her name was Emma.
Somebody you barely know knocked you back. Big deal.
I should be living with her by now.
Instead, every morning I look through my cornflakes
to see your big, mad, snaggle-toothed head.
So excuse me if I'm a bit... out of sorts sometimes.
Would you like some beetroot liqueur?
You can have it. You can have the whole bottle.
Really, I mean it. You can have nearly all of it.
- Whoa! Don't go mad. - I don't feel like a drink, anyway.
I'm making tea. Who wants tea?
That is the saddest story I've ever heard. Poor Bernard.
The worst part of it is...
She isn't actually dead. She lives the other side of Priory Road.
What?
Bernard told me about her three years ago.
A year after that, I started doing this exercise class run by a clown.
- Yeah? - Circusise, it was called.
We had to wear these really, really big shoes.
So the step stuff was really hard.
It was like this. It went...
(Honks) Two, three, four.
And throw the bucket of water.
- (Honks) Two, three... - Yeah, Fran, Fran.
- Try to stick to the story. - Oh, right. Yeah.
Afterwards, we'd go for a pizza. One time, we talked about boyfriends.
This girl, she says that she once got engaged
to this awful Irish guy...
called...
Bernard. The only way she could think of getting out of it
was to get her friends to say she was dead.
- But she wasn't... dead? - No, Manny.
Which is why she was having a pepperoni with extra cheese...
years later.
- Why haven't you told Bernard? - Oh, I couldn't deal with all that.
Can you imagine? All the shouting and the blaming. No, be very messy.
No, now, listen. Oi, you don't tell him.
- Don't you ever tell him. - No.
- No, Manny, I mean it. - I won't. I won't do it.
- Not even in ten or even 20 years. - No, no way.
- No, no. - What about a nice game of Monopoly?
Oh, yeah, that is a good idea.
Yeah. Yeah. OK, all right. Here we go.
So, OK, Fran, you be the hat. I'll be the dog and, Bernard, you...
She's alive! Bernard, she's alive!
Fran told me. Fran knows her! Ask her. Ask Fran.
Emma lives in London.
Still. I'm sorry, Bernard.
- So, you're saying she must have... - Yeah.
I don't believe you.
Well, look. She's in my phone.
That's her full name, isn't it?
I... I still don't believe you.
That's her and me at her last birthday.
One of the many she'll have, still being alive.
Her dental records.
It can't be her!
OK. Here's her birth certificate.
I keep it safely inside the envelope with the photo of her
reading yesterday's newspaper,
wearing an "I love life" T-shirt.
So. So... house rules as usual.
Fines in the middle. If we throw three doubles...
- How long have you known this? - Couple of years. Does it matter?
Oh! We all want Pall Mall, don't we?
- Who else knows? - Nobody. Hardly anybody.
A few people.
Mr Singh at the newsagent's. Oh, and your parents, I told them.
And I tell people at parties if your name comes up.
Well, maybe I know a few things about you.
- Maybe I've got a few little facts. - I've thrown a seven! Beat that.
Manny doesn't know what name you were born with. Have you met Enid?
N... Don't let's go down this road.
The letter you wrote to your mother as part of the self-help programme?
You couldn't find it. I posted it.
Manny, you did get into the Open University.
But Bernard tore up the letter.
I read your personal ad, I saw that.
"Intelligent, funny, 30-something female
"seeks solvent man for sex and possible friendship.
"Sense of humour irrelevant."
- I've been reading your short stories. - That's different.
Ah, but it's good. Listen to this.
"Feared by men and admired by women,
"Brendan Blake turned from the window and patted Larry,
"his barely hominoid, milk-fed gimp."
You went to the party looking like that.
(Screams)
I think that covers everything.
- Hello? - Rowena!
Hi. Hi.
- Hi. - Hi.
We were talking at the party.
- Yes, hi, hi. - Hi.
- And you left something behind. - Did I?
You were drinking out of this.
I thought maybe you wanted to keep the cup.
So I asked Ann where you lived and... But you're busy.
- I'm sorry. I'm stupid. - No, no, no.
Thanks for bringing it.
I'm really, really pleased that you came round... with... it.
Oh, for Christ's sake!
Well... thanks. Thanks. I'll just put that there.
Safe and sound.
So... Erm...
- That's about it, really. - Right. Right.
Well, th... thanks for... er, bringing it round.
Offer her something, you fool.
Oh. Oh. S-Seeing as you're here, would you like some tea or coffee?
Or Bovril? Or a herbal coffee?
- Tea's nice. - Tea! Coming up.
I'll help you make it.
- (Giggling) - (Footsteps going upstairs)
Aah. Good for Manny.
I'm sorry, I should've told you about Emma but she asked me not to.
I was too good for her, anyway.
She had arms like a stevedore. Stay and have a drink, will you?
Oh, no, no. I've gotta go home.
I'm not sleeping in the skip again.
I'll just lie down, just to rest my eyes.
I've got a date tomorrow.
I've gotta look nice.
(Snores)
Could I talk with Emma... Oh, it's you. Hi.
Yes. That's right. That's right, it's me.
I'm very well, th... Actually, no, I'm dead.
That's right, actually, physically dead. Not funny now, is it?
I'm haunting you, that's what I'm doing.
Well, why don't you f...
You can't hang up on the undead!
(Manny and Rowena giggling)
Shut up!
Did you want something?
Yes, I want not to hear any squawking or squeaking or squealing
and if I do I'll throw you both into the street.
Right.
Nighty-night.
Eh?