1 00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,520 Ah! That's enough of that. 2 00:00:41,520 --> 00:00:43,800 I only took up smoking, so I could give it up. 3 00:00:43,800 --> 00:00:46,920 I've given up everything in fact. Reformed man. 4 00:00:46,920 --> 00:00:50,560 Yup! No more rum, bum and concertina for Frederick. 5 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:54,360 Ah! 6 00:01:15,680 --> 00:01:17,760 HE GROANS 7 00:01:24,160 --> 00:01:27,320 Now, Clarence, concentrate. 8 00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:30,280 The London Fresh Air Children arrive tomorrow. 9 00:01:30,280 --> 00:01:33,160 It comforts these children to see the civilized classes, 10 00:01:33,160 --> 00:01:35,200 which, in this unusual case, includes you, 11 00:01:35,200 --> 00:01:37,800 comporting themselves gracefully. 12 00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:40,480 Freddie! What have you done to your head? 13 00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:45,080 This is my reformed hair. It symbolizes my repudiation of vice. 14 00:01:45,080 --> 00:01:46,640 "What vice?", I hear you cry? 15 00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,640 Sins of the track and bookie, mainly, 16 00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:51,200 - but you name it, I'll repudiate it. - Enough! 17 00:01:51,200 --> 00:01:54,720 Now hear this. The reputation of the family is at stake. 18 00:01:54,720 --> 00:01:57,000 We must excel. 19 00:01:57,000 --> 00:02:02,200 And, Clarence, if you say to me, "Do I have to wear a top hat?" 20 00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:05,280 I shall stab you through the heart and have your mutilated corpse 21 00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:07,280 dragged around Blandings by a donkey. 22 00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:08,600 Naked. 23 00:02:08,600 --> 00:02:10,000 Me or the donkey? 24 00:02:10,000 --> 00:02:13,280 Oh, no, the donkey shall be clothed to amplify your total degradation. 25 00:02:13,280 --> 00:02:15,360 Better than wearing a top hat... 26 00:02:15,360 --> 00:02:17,760 How can I help? This is the new me, you see? 27 00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:19,760 Ever ready to help an old lady get a horse's hoof 28 00:02:19,760 --> 00:02:21,320 out of a boy scout, sort of thing. 29 00:02:21,320 --> 00:02:23,160 Oh, Freddie, you're an imbecile! 30 00:02:25,720 --> 00:02:28,400 Aunt C on cracking form. 31 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:34,800 London Fresh Air...Children? 32 00:02:34,800 --> 00:02:36,560 Ah-ha. 33 00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:39,560 So, what's the solution to this repulsive sogginess? 34 00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,160 Gravel! 35 00:02:41,160 --> 00:02:46,040 Proper stuff, y'ken, nae heathen stoor the size of peas. 36 00:02:46,040 --> 00:02:49,200 Braw great clinkers. 37 00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:53,320 Then yir dainty feet'll hae traction. 38 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:57,560 Awa' wi' all this filthy moss. 39 00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:00,440 - I shall speak to His Lordship. - He'll nae like it. 40 00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:04,320 He's a great one for the squilchy filth. 41 00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:06,480 Gravel it shall be, McAllister. 42 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:14,320 I'm on awa' to the idol o' erotic joy and trim wir bloated flaybers. 43 00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:20,680 (Bloated flaybers?) 44 00:03:21,880 --> 00:03:23,240 Beach, um, my hat - 45 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:27,320 you know, the boater affair bit of ribbon round it - 46 00:03:27,320 --> 00:03:29,760 seem to have lost track of it. 47 00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:32,280 Is it the one Your Lordship is presently wearing? 48 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:33,880 Oh... 49 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,760 Good heavens! Bless my soul. 50 00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:37,120 Thank you, Beach! 51 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:41,880 Ah, Connie. Had a pleasant turn around the ground? 52 00:03:41,880 --> 00:03:44,320 As you raise the subject of McAllister, 53 00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:47,360 he wishes to spread gravel across that hideous infestation 54 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:49,040 of moss in the lime tree walk. 55 00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:50,600 No, no, no, no. 56 00:03:50,600 --> 00:03:53,720 I am aware that McAllister seeks to desecrate my lovely moss 57 00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:55,320 and I shall not countenance it. 58 00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:07,480 Oh, they're rather splendid. 59 00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:13,840 My Lord, is that entirely wise? 60 00:04:16,840 --> 00:04:18,720 SNUFFLING AND GRUNTING 61 00:04:20,920 --> 00:04:22,600 No! 62 00:04:31,320 --> 00:04:33,880 The gardener, McAllister, My Lord. 63 00:04:33,880 --> 00:04:35,640 Oh... 64 00:04:37,800 --> 00:04:39,720 Thank you, Beach. 65 00:04:42,000 --> 00:04:45,280 Ah, McAllister! I expect you're wondering why I sent... 66 00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:49,320 The posteriors of the goddess have been ravaged by yir pug! 67 00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,520 My pug? 68 00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:55,640 My dear fellow, I don't possess a pug. 69 00:04:55,640 --> 00:05:01,040 And wi' the morn dairkening the horizon, it is a savage disgrace! 70 00:05:10,280 --> 00:05:13,120 Did ye pick they delphiniums? 71 00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:16,840 HE GROWLS 72 00:05:16,840 --> 00:05:20,320 Moss. That's what I wanted to talk to you about. 73 00:05:20,320 --> 00:05:24,160 McAllister! Unhand my moss! 74 00:05:24,160 --> 00:05:26,760 HE GROWLS 75 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:31,080 CAR HORN BLASTS 76 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:43,840 Why is McAllister getting into a taxi? 77 00:05:43,840 --> 00:05:46,920 Eh? Is he? I have no idea. 78 00:05:46,920 --> 00:05:50,680 He must be, er...on the...um... 79 00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:54,320 He's given in his notice. 80 00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:56,120 What? 81 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:57,520 Why? 82 00:05:57,520 --> 00:05:59,160 What have you done? 83 00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:01,400 Well, that's impossible! 84 00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:04,640 His presence is ESSENTIAL tomorrow! 85 00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:07,400 You haven't the faintest idea what I'm talking about! 86 00:06:07,400 --> 00:06:11,520 It's the Blandings Fete! The most important day of our year! 87 00:06:11,520 --> 00:06:12,880 Oh, good Lord! 88 00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:15,240 Oh, oh, can't you have a word? 89 00:06:15,240 --> 00:06:17,280 No, I can't! 90 00:06:17,280 --> 00:06:21,080 You and I know both know you are a withered homunculus 91 00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:24,120 rather than a conventional specimen of adult manhood, 92 00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:27,880 but you are the titular Master of Blandings! 93 00:06:27,880 --> 00:06:30,000 You must reclaim your gardener! 94 00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:34,160 Halt! 95 00:06:40,160 --> 00:06:42,680 Now, look here, McAllister, 96 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:46,200 we need to get one thing absolutely clear... 97 00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:49,080 (I'll double your salary.) 98 00:06:49,080 --> 00:06:50,640 HE GROWLS 99 00:06:50,640 --> 00:06:54,720 - When I say double I quite possibly mean treble? - Hm! 100 00:06:54,720 --> 00:06:57,320 Oh, my dear fellow, please don't go. 101 00:06:57,320 --> 00:06:58,920 Think of tomorrow. 102 00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:00,640 HE GROWLS 103 00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:03,640 Oh, I beg of you, McAllister! 104 00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:05,480 What else do I have to offer you? 105 00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:08,920 Ah. 106 00:07:08,920 --> 00:07:10,720 The gravel path. 107 00:07:10,720 --> 00:07:13,000 Yes, of course, McAllister, 108 00:07:13,000 --> 00:07:15,600 of course, with my blessing. 109 00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:18,880 You'll no' pick another flooer withoot my say-so? 110 00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:20,160 Mmm. 111 00:07:20,160 --> 00:07:24,680 And there'll be nae mair nibblin' on the dirty dumplin's o' the deity? 112 00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:27,200 Whatever that is, no, never. 113 00:07:30,920 --> 00:07:33,960 The incident is closed. 114 00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:36,040 McAllister, out you hop. 115 00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:37,520 Come, come. 116 00:07:56,880 --> 00:07:59,720 Such a pretty thing, under all the D-I-R-T. 117 00:08:03,440 --> 00:08:07,200 Can it, you lot! Reverend Gandle here is trying to speak. 118 00:08:07,200 --> 00:08:09,080 Thank you, Miss Younghusband. 119 00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:10,760 Now, I merely wish to say... 120 00:08:10,760 --> 00:08:13,320 CHILDREN LAUGHING Good heavens... 121 00:08:13,320 --> 00:08:15,840 Welcome to Market Blandings... 122 00:08:15,840 --> 00:08:21,120 I have here the roster of your accommodation. 123 00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:28,280 Ah-ha! 124 00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:30,760 What do you want, Frederick? Is it money? 125 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:35,040 Oh, dear old prune, not in the least. I am a man transfigured. 126 00:08:35,040 --> 00:08:38,760 My only desire is to be of service to my peers, 127 00:08:38,760 --> 00:08:40,600 you being the peer available. 128 00:08:40,600 --> 00:08:43,720 I have no sympathetic ear for your desires, m'boy. 129 00:08:43,720 --> 00:08:49,040 Tomorrow I have to endure the torment of a stick-up collar and a top hat. 130 00:08:49,040 --> 00:08:51,440 Oh, grinding rectal ache! 131 00:08:51,440 --> 00:08:53,880 And, of course, you have to make a speech. 132 00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:57,800 Oh! You'd forgotten about the speech. 133 00:08:57,800 --> 00:09:00,120 - Err... - I tell you what! 134 00:09:00,120 --> 00:09:02,760 How about I get you out of that? 135 00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:04,840 - Eh? - Seriously. 136 00:09:04,840 --> 00:09:08,000 All I want now is to give succour to the suffering. 137 00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:11,000 And if ever there was a suffering sucker, Guv'nor, you're it. 138 00:09:11,000 --> 00:09:15,680 Aw this moss must be raked up! 139 00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,720 Fir the gravel. 140 00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:20,040 I hae commanded its delivery. 141 00:09:20,040 --> 00:09:23,440 Well! Rake up the moss? But it's rather jolly! 142 00:09:23,440 --> 00:09:24,880 Guv'nor, you love this... 143 00:09:24,880 --> 00:09:26,760 Raked up it shall be! 144 00:09:26,760 --> 00:09:30,520 With a canny great, God-fearin' rake! 145 00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:35,840 A muckle pile o' gravel shall come raining doon on the path! 146 00:09:35,840 --> 00:09:40,080 Whar there was squilch, mon, 147 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:44,800 there shall be a Godly crunch. 148 00:09:51,040 --> 00:09:52,760 The thing to remember is, 149 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:55,600 many of these London children are very like ordinary kids. 150 00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:57,480 Except that some of them are armed. 151 00:09:58,960 --> 00:10:00,720 I say! 152 00:10:00,720 --> 00:10:03,600 Good afternoon, gentlemen. I'm here to deliver you two children. 153 00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:07,240 Oh, er, excellent. And what would you like us to do with them? 154 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:08,440 Just accommodate them. 155 00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:10,920 Reverend Gandle has allocated them to the castle. 156 00:10:10,920 --> 00:10:12,840 Right. Guv'nor, I shall attend to this. 157 00:10:12,840 --> 00:10:14,600 Frederick, I'm a little confused... 158 00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:18,680 Undoubtedly, but I needs must waft this lady round the family shack. 159 00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:19,960 "Needs must waft"? 160 00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:23,240 I do wish you wouldn't refer to the place as "the family shack". 161 00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:27,040 Miss Younglegs and I are stepping this way to inspect the fixtures. 162 00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:30,040 Regale our guests with your scintillating conversation. 163 00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:33,720 Er, Frederick, erm... Ah... 164 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,960 Ah. Yes. 165 00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:40,560 - Lovely day. - Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. 166 00:10:40,560 --> 00:10:42,200 Popped down from London, what? 167 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:44,840 "Pop dine?" Speak English, mister. 168 00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:46,240 Can it, fish-face! 169 00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:48,560 - Can it what? - From London, sir. Yes, sir. 170 00:10:48,560 --> 00:10:49,840 Mm. 171 00:10:50,840 --> 00:10:52,680 Been out much this season? 172 00:10:52,680 --> 00:10:54,800 Our house does have a door, mate. 173 00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:56,840 Oh, that is good news. 174 00:10:56,840 --> 00:10:59,800 Erm, name, m'dear? 175 00:10:59,800 --> 00:11:02,560 Gladys, sir. And this is me brother, Ern. 176 00:11:02,560 --> 00:11:05,680 Ern is wearin' a straw hat that he found in a ditch. 177 00:11:05,680 --> 00:11:08,480 Good heavens. What a handsome article. 178 00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:10,440 LAUGHS WEAKLY 179 00:11:10,440 --> 00:11:12,400 PIG GRUNTS 180 00:11:13,920 --> 00:11:16,000 That doesn't look too good. 181 00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:18,240 I know. I wanted a yellow one. 182 00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:20,520 Well, next time I get lucky on the ponies, eh? 183 00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:23,360 - Are you a gambling man, Mr Threepwood? - Er, no. I never gamble. 184 00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:25,480 - SHE CHUCKLES - Don't know what you're missing. 185 00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:28,480 Oh. Are you a gambling husband, Miss Younglovely? No, I mean... 186 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:31,080 Oh, I know what you meant. I have been known to flutter. 187 00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:33,160 Golly, I'd be hardly be taken seriously in Bow 188 00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:35,200 if I didn't stick the odd oncer on a horse. 189 00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:37,400 - The odd oncer... - A fiver on occasion. 190 00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:41,920 Ah, um, I'm sorry, but I think you're going to have to marry me. 191 00:11:41,920 --> 00:11:43,160 Want to bet? 192 00:11:43,160 --> 00:11:44,320 Yes. 193 00:11:44,320 --> 00:11:48,760 What colour is your handkerchief? Get it right and I'll marry you. 194 00:11:48,760 --> 00:11:50,320 Er... 195 00:11:50,320 --> 00:11:51,760 Er, lemon! 196 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:53,480 It's purple. Hard cheese. 197 00:11:55,000 --> 00:11:56,400 Ohhh... 198 00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:01,760 Oh... 199 00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:07,200 That is one royally cool cucumber. 200 00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,720 PIG GRUNTS 201 00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:16,920 PIG GRUNTS MORE LOUDLY 202 00:12:19,880 --> 00:12:21,640 HE GROWLS 203 00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,360 No, no, my dear fellow, I insist. 204 00:12:26,360 --> 00:12:31,440 Five guineas is an acceptable fee for the restitution of the hat. 205 00:12:31,440 --> 00:12:33,080 Clarence! 206 00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:36,960 You appear to be issuing this small boy with a cheque. 207 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:40,000 No, no, no, no, no... Yes. 208 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:41,800 Well, he found my hat, you see. 209 00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:43,120 Nonsense. 210 00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:45,680 Dear little fellow. 211 00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:47,000 Here's sixpence. 212 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:48,680 Run along, now. 213 00:12:48,680 --> 00:12:50,760 - Woof-woof! - HE PANTS 214 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:52,320 What is the child doing? 215 00:12:52,320 --> 00:12:54,080 Er, he's being a dog. 216 00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:58,800 When someone gives Ern money, he does his turn as a playful dog. 217 00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:03,080 Most amusing! Connie, these young persons are staying with us. 218 00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:04,480 What?! 219 00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:06,040 Proof, mon! 220 00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:08,960 Proof! Yir pug has been devouring 221 00:13:08,960 --> 00:13:11,920 the shameful portions o' the goddess! 222 00:13:11,920 --> 00:13:16,240 You persist in this erroneous belief that I possess a pug. 223 00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:18,880 I think he means "pig", sir. 224 00:13:18,880 --> 00:13:21,320 Pig? Pig - ah! Thank you. 225 00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:22,760 Are you quite mad? 226 00:13:22,760 --> 00:13:28,240 Mad? Ye cry me mad when I beheld the unclean beast wi' my ain een? 227 00:13:28,240 --> 00:13:33,280 The filthy, trottery abomination! I ought to turn it into bacons! 228 00:13:33,280 --> 00:13:38,880 - Oh. - It may prove a condition o' my remaining in yir employ, mon. 229 00:13:39,800 --> 00:13:41,160 - ERN: - Woof-woof-woof! 230 00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:42,560 Oh. 231 00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:44,640 He's very lifelike, ain't he? 232 00:13:44,640 --> 00:13:46,520 You, boy! 233 00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:49,920 You are forbidden entrance to the Blandings Fete. 234 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:51,720 Woof-woof-woof! 235 00:13:51,720 --> 00:13:52,920 HE GROWLS 236 00:13:52,920 --> 00:13:54,280 - HE LAUGHS - Stop him! 237 00:13:55,800 --> 00:13:59,200 - SHE GASPS - Bleedin' hell on sticks. - Wow. 238 00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:02,440 His Lordship was very insistent that you should be comfortable. 239 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:04,200 Is His Lordship the great shaggy Herbert 240 00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:06,520 what shouted at the geezer in the knackered old coat? 241 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:09,080 No. The shaggy Herbert is the gardener. 242 00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:11,760 His Lordship is the gentleman in the coat. 243 00:14:11,760 --> 00:14:13,960 And this is his knackered old hat. 244 00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:17,280 So, the old biddy our Ern took a gnash at - 245 00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,120 that's Mrs Lordship? 246 00:14:19,120 --> 00:14:21,080 No, that is his sister. 247 00:14:21,080 --> 00:14:24,600 Sister? She talks at him like she's married to him. 248 00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:26,760 So, who are you? Are you a Lord, an' all? 249 00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:29,840 I'm His Lordship's butler. My name is Beach. 250 00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:33,600 My job is to look after Lord Emsworth, 251 00:14:33,600 --> 00:14:35,840 his family and his guests. 252 00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:39,360 And you...are his guests. 253 00:14:41,680 --> 00:14:43,680 THEY MOUTH 254 00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:46,280 - SHE CLEARS THROAT - Mr Beach? 255 00:14:46,280 --> 00:14:48,120 I told Ern this was a man's job, 256 00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:50,640 but he won't do it cos he's embarrassed. 257 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:53,200 Please take this for your trouble, sir. 258 00:14:59,800 --> 00:15:01,720 Very kind of you, miss, 259 00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:03,520 but I'm afraid 260 00:15:03,520 --> 00:15:05,920 that if I were discovered receiving gifts from guests, 261 00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,440 I would have to be shot. 262 00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:09,920 - THEY GASP - His Lordship's very strict about that. 263 00:15:14,480 --> 00:15:16,000 'Oh, what?' 264 00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:17,680 What can I do for you, my dear? 265 00:15:17,680 --> 00:15:19,680 'Clarence! 266 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:23,680 'It is YOU who stands in the corridor outside MY room, 267 00:15:23,680 --> 00:15:26,600 'having just knocked on MY door.' 268 00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:29,240 Why did I do that, do you suppose? 269 00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:32,400 'You've come to beg me to be civil to that fantastically disgusting 270 00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:34,920 'brace of children.' 271 00:15:34,920 --> 00:15:39,000 Thank you, Connie. Will you be doing that sort of thing, do you think? 272 00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:40,680 'No. Boil your head!' 273 00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:42,160 Oh. 274 00:16:04,480 --> 00:16:06,800 Lord Emsworth... 275 00:16:06,800 --> 00:16:10,160 I trust, will say a few words. 276 00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:12,080 He is delighted... 277 00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:16,000 - Freddie! Frederick! - ..to welcome you all to Blandings. 278 00:16:16,000 --> 00:16:17,360 (Speech!) 279 00:16:17,360 --> 00:16:19,880 Oh, don't give it another thought. 280 00:16:19,880 --> 00:16:21,960 ..to take pleasure in the grounds. 281 00:16:23,080 --> 00:16:25,120 MICROPHONE WHINES 282 00:16:27,200 --> 00:16:30,160 YOU are supposed to be confined! 283 00:16:31,520 --> 00:16:33,520 Lord Emsworth. 284 00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:36,320 I wanted to say how very much the children 285 00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:38,600 are looking forward to your speech. 286 00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:40,480 - ERN: - Bull's-eye! 287 00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:41,800 PARTY HORN BLASTS 288 00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:44,160 Ah, my dear lady. 289 00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:45,920 There we are. 290 00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:47,640 PARTY HORN BLASTS 291 00:16:49,640 --> 00:16:53,280 That lady - Mrs Thingummy, runs a grocer's shop. 292 00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:55,600 What's her name...? Erm, Rossiter. 293 00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:58,080 Puce of face and squeaking. 294 00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:00,240 How would she like it if I went round to her place, 295 00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:03,520 dressed in this fatuous rig, went puce and squeaked? 296 00:17:03,520 --> 00:17:06,200 The fuss you make about for once in your life being dressed 297 00:17:06,200 --> 00:17:09,480 like a reasonable English gentleman and not like an incontinent tramp! 298 00:17:10,560 --> 00:17:12,120 Have you prepared your speech? 299 00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:17,120 We cannot have a repeat of last year's debacle. 300 00:17:17,120 --> 00:17:19,680 There was no debacle. I just... 301 00:17:19,680 --> 00:17:21,920 A couple of names eluded me. 302 00:17:21,920 --> 00:17:24,000 Mine. Your own. 303 00:17:25,160 --> 00:17:27,640 The King's. The name of the castle. 304 00:17:27,640 --> 00:17:29,800 Now, be quiet. Prepare your speech. 305 00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:42,560 YOU! Girl! 306 00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:44,960 Touch not they flooers! 307 00:17:52,760 --> 00:17:54,480 Argh! Yer... 308 00:17:55,480 --> 00:17:58,400 I'll hae yir reekin' tripes and bowels, 309 00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:01,120 ye rankin', slooty jezebel! 310 00:18:03,680 --> 00:18:04,880 SHE GASPS 311 00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:06,160 Thief! 312 00:18:06,160 --> 00:18:07,480 McAllister. 313 00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:09,360 HE GROWLS 314 00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:20,280 Ah. 315 00:18:20,280 --> 00:18:21,560 Ern, is it not? 316 00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:24,840 If I were a gambling man, Ern, 317 00:18:24,840 --> 00:18:27,960 I'd wager you were doing something that you didn't ought. 318 00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:32,840 You have a nefarious and frankly desperate look about you. 319 00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:36,800 I like that in a man. 320 00:18:36,800 --> 00:18:38,400 I think we can do business. 321 00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:47,600 PIG GRUNTS 322 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:53,760 Oh! You haven't got a little bit of a cold coming on, have you? 323 00:18:55,120 --> 00:18:56,760 SOBBING 324 00:18:56,760 --> 00:19:00,160 God bless my soul. What are you doing in here? 325 00:19:00,160 --> 00:19:02,640 Please, sir, I was put. 326 00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:06,680 Er, how do you mean "put"? Why? 327 00:19:06,680 --> 00:19:08,800 For pinching things, sir. 328 00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:13,560 Pinching things? How extraordinary. What did you, er, pinch? 329 00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:17,560 Flowers. I thought they'd cheer up our Ern. 330 00:19:17,560 --> 00:19:21,520 Oh, is Ern in desperate need of cheering up with... 331 00:19:21,520 --> 00:19:23,720 - COCKNEY ACCENT: .."flahrs"? - Yes, sir. 332 00:19:23,720 --> 00:19:28,080 I fought I'd pick him a few flowers, them long, blue ones. 333 00:19:28,080 --> 00:19:30,880 But that great hairy man shouted and come runnin', 334 00:19:30,880 --> 00:19:33,240 so I copped him on the shin with a stone. 335 00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:35,800 Then I go - crash - straight into the lady, don't I? 336 00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:39,160 And all the other stuff I pinched for Ern dropped out me frock. 337 00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:42,080 Two sandwiches, slice-a-cake... 338 00:19:42,080 --> 00:19:45,320 - CRYING: - So that's why I was put here by the lady. 339 00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:48,040 Cos I belong with the pigs. 340 00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:49,600 SHE SOBS 341 00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:52,120 Confound the "loidy"! 342 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:56,280 CHATTERING 343 00:19:57,520 --> 00:19:59,440 Mrs Rossiter, please. 344 00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:04,840 Your father has deserted us. We require a speech, from you. 345 00:20:04,840 --> 00:20:06,280 Ah! 346 00:20:06,280 --> 00:20:07,840 You find that amusing? 347 00:20:07,840 --> 00:20:09,880 No, no, I just made some intricate arrangements 348 00:20:09,880 --> 00:20:12,960 that are no longer necessary. Lead on, old scream. 349 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,800 A little bit about the weather. 350 00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:17,800 No vulgarity. 351 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:19,920 You're not in your club now. 352 00:20:19,920 --> 00:20:22,680 We don't want a repeat of the debacle of Lady Maud's funeral. 353 00:20:23,720 --> 00:20:24,920 HE SIGHS CONTENTEDLY 354 00:20:24,920 --> 00:20:26,200 KNOCKING 355 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:27,640 HE GROANS 356 00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:29,160 Beach. 357 00:20:30,160 --> 00:20:33,320 This young lady would like some tea. 358 00:20:33,320 --> 00:20:35,440 Buns. Fruit. 359 00:20:36,600 --> 00:20:38,400 COCKNEY ACCENT: Jam sandwiches. 360 00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:39,760 Er, slice-a-cake. 361 00:20:39,760 --> 00:20:41,320 Very good, Your Lordship. 362 00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:43,960 Oh, and her brother, Beach. He'd like some stuff, too. 363 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:46,640 - Ern - would he like a little chicken? - Ah, coo! 364 00:20:46,640 --> 00:20:50,000 - Beg your pardon? - Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. 365 00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,560 He doesn't suffer from gout, does he? 366 00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:53,880 Capital. 367 00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:55,440 Beach, a bottle of that new port, 368 00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:57,600 from that lot they sent us down for us to try. 369 00:20:59,360 --> 00:21:02,040 It's nothing special, but it's drinkable. 370 00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:04,200 I'd like your brother's opinion of it. 371 00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:05,640 Coo! 372 00:21:05,640 --> 00:21:07,960 So, here we all are... 373 00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:11,000 ..banged up in this stinking-hot tent. 374 00:21:11,000 --> 00:21:12,280 THEY MURMUR AGREEMENT 375 00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:15,920 And the guv'nor - very sensibly in my opinion - has done a bunk. 376 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:18,160 He's probably cuddled up to his pig. 377 00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:19,360 LAUGHTER 378 00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:22,920 Personally, I'd rather be closeted somewhere breezy with a pint 379 00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:27,560 of gin and tonic, and somebody slim and authoritative with a whistle. 380 00:21:27,560 --> 00:21:30,560 You would see some cuddling then, eh? 381 00:21:30,560 --> 00:21:33,040 - LAUGHTER AND MURMURS OF APPROVAL - Eh? Eh? Would you? 382 00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:35,480 Rule number one - get 'em laughing. 383 00:21:35,480 --> 00:21:36,960 You know, all this reminds me 384 00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:39,840 of a story I heard backstage at The Pink Pussy Club. 385 00:21:39,840 --> 00:21:41,400 ALL: Ooh! 386 00:21:41,400 --> 00:21:42,600 How's that? 387 00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:44,200 LAUGHTER 388 00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:48,080 Um, yes, well, there was a Frenchman and an Irishman 389 00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:50,360 and a Rabbi - stop me if you know it. 390 00:21:50,360 --> 00:21:52,360 No, no, tell a lie, could have been a Hindu. 391 00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:55,360 Anyway, they're all on a train, going to Rangoon. 392 00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:58,360 Er, except the Spanish bloke. It turns out he doesn't have a ticket! 393 00:21:58,360 --> 00:21:59,600 HE CHUCKLES 394 00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:01,600 No, no, that comes later. Where are they going? 395 00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:03,120 - CHILD SHOUTS: - Kowloon! - Kowloon. 396 00:22:03,120 --> 00:22:07,240 'Thank you. So time goes on, they get a bit peckish...' 397 00:22:08,640 --> 00:22:10,160 Are you enjoying that? 398 00:22:10,160 --> 00:22:14,200 No face so lovely that it cannot be improved by the application 399 00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:16,440 of a little jam, eh, Beach? 400 00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:19,320 Oh. What do you have there? 401 00:22:19,320 --> 00:22:21,800 Ern's comestibles, as discussed, my Lord. 402 00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:25,400 I have ventured to add some toffee and a packet of sultanas, 403 00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:29,320 and Cook has contributed a bag of what she calls "gobstoppers". 404 00:22:31,080 --> 00:22:34,040 I think our guest says "coo". 405 00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:37,400 Is there anything else we can get you, my dear? Don't be shy. 406 00:22:37,400 --> 00:22:38,760 Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. 407 00:22:38,760 --> 00:22:41,400 I'd love get Ern a bunch of them flowers. 408 00:22:41,400 --> 00:22:44,920 I know he's a lad, but he's partial. He likes the colour. 409 00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:48,640 Back home, we don't have colour. 410 00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:53,520 I say, damn it, Beach! 411 00:22:54,480 --> 00:22:58,680 If this lady desires "flahrs" for her little brother, 412 00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:00,360 she can jolly well have them. 413 00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:04,840 Will you be requiring me to do the cutting, my Lord? 414 00:23:07,080 --> 00:23:08,760 Scissors, Beach. 415 00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:23,000 We are now going outside to cut..."flahrs". 416 00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:25,080 We may be some time. 417 00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:27,480 'So, Paddy says him... Oh, no, no.' 418 00:23:27,480 --> 00:23:29,800 I said Frenchman - I meant Chinese. 419 00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:31,440 - ALL: Oh! - And he's blind. 420 00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:34,840 Yeah, be definite with gags. That's also rule number one. 421 00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:37,760 So, Paddy says to him... Oh, no, no. Hang on, 422 00:23:37,760 --> 00:23:40,200 I forgot to tell you about the very tall waitress. 423 00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:43,560 Go back a bit. Well, she's called Maureen. 424 00:23:43,560 --> 00:23:45,560 Or possibly Hamish. Anyway, 425 00:23:45,560 --> 00:23:48,680 the important thing about her is that she has to get to Brighton. 426 00:23:48,680 --> 00:23:50,960 Which of course is nowhere near Africa, 427 00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:52,360 and she has this aunt... 428 00:23:54,520 --> 00:23:55,640 Oh... 429 00:23:57,240 --> 00:24:00,000 My dear, I shouldn't want you to think my hand is trembling 430 00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:02,080 because I am in any way apprehensive about 431 00:24:02,080 --> 00:24:03,760 cutting my own flowers. 432 00:24:03,760 --> 00:24:06,080 No, it is because I drink. 433 00:24:06,080 --> 00:24:09,960 The colossal amount of alcohol I ingest every day 434 00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:12,240 has turned my nervous system to jelly. 435 00:24:13,440 --> 00:24:15,480 Haud yir hand! 436 00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:28,600 Well, McAllister? 437 00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:32,040 When you speak Scotch, you are unintelligible, 438 00:24:32,040 --> 00:24:35,160 and I cannot permit you to raise your voice in my garden. 439 00:24:35,160 --> 00:24:37,760 So speak again, McAllister. What do you want? 440 00:24:39,280 --> 00:24:43,080 This young lady, whose name escapes me, but that is not material, 441 00:24:43,080 --> 00:24:45,680 has my full permission to take as many flowers 442 00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:47,280 as she wants from my garden. 443 00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:49,640 Note the possessive adjective, McAllister, 444 00:24:49,640 --> 00:24:52,160 and if you do not like it, you know what you to do. 445 00:24:53,760 --> 00:24:55,240 HE CLEARS THROAT 446 00:24:56,520 --> 00:25:00,080 Moreover, if you wish to remain at Blandings, 447 00:25:00,080 --> 00:25:05,480 you will surrender every shred of your demented ambition 448 00:25:05,480 --> 00:25:10,480 to disfigure my moss with a disgusting gravel path. 449 00:25:10,480 --> 00:25:13,040 There you have it, McAllister. 450 00:25:13,040 --> 00:25:14,360 What do you say? 451 00:25:18,560 --> 00:25:19,880 Good. 452 00:25:21,280 --> 00:25:24,240 And the lady's name is Gladys, as you ask. 453 00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:25,600 SCREAMING 454 00:25:25,600 --> 00:25:28,640 Stone the crows! The 'ole bloomin' tent's on the wobble! 455 00:25:30,200 --> 00:25:32,000 Hang on, you'll love this... 456 00:25:33,040 --> 00:25:35,600 No! Hold your fire, Aunt C! 457 00:25:35,600 --> 00:25:38,280 I understand what's happened here, and I am in control.. 458 00:25:39,560 --> 00:25:41,520 I have you now, Aunt Constance 459 00:25:46,840 --> 00:25:49,320 They don't come much darker than you, Mr Threepwood. 460 00:25:49,320 --> 00:25:51,240 Oh, God, Miss Youngsqueeze, let me explain! 461 00:25:51,240 --> 00:25:52,640 Oh! 462 00:25:52,640 --> 00:25:54,400 Oh, Mrs Rossiter! 463 00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:56,720 Oh, yes! Keep doing that! 464 00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:59,000 You are so very lovely when you smile. 465 00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:00,360 Frederick! 466 00:26:12,360 --> 00:26:13,960 I am going... 467 00:26:15,760 --> 00:26:17,360 ..to my room. 468 00:26:36,040 --> 00:26:38,280 PIG GRUNTING 469 00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:40,520 Ern asked me to give you this, sir. 470 00:26:40,520 --> 00:26:42,120 Oh! 471 00:26:42,120 --> 00:26:46,800 Oh, please tell Ern that I embrace him as a gentleman 472 00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:50,680 and am for ever in his service. Oh! 473 00:26:56,360 --> 00:26:59,120 Would you care to scratch the Empress? 474 00:26:59,120 --> 00:27:01,720 Yes, sir, thank you, sir. 475 00:27:09,280 --> 00:27:10,920 Corton, '02. 476 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:16,040 From the vines of Charlemagne himself. 477 00:27:17,760 --> 00:27:20,800 Regum mensis arisque deorum. 478 00:27:20,800 --> 00:27:23,800 "For the tables of kings and altars of gods." 479 00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:25,520 Cheeky little minx. 480 00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:31,200 HE SLURPS 481 00:27:33,880 --> 00:27:35,760 Quite right. Past its best. 482 00:27:37,440 --> 00:27:40,840 Guv'nor? I was wondering, 483 00:27:40,840 --> 00:27:45,520 now that the speech business has been successfully finessed, 484 00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:47,400 could you find it in your heart 485 00:27:47,400 --> 00:27:50,120 to settle my account at the Pink Pussy Club? 486 00:27:50,120 --> 00:27:51,880 - You see, when I said... - Yes. 487 00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:55,120 ..that I didn't need money, I was using the word "need" 488 00:27:55,120 --> 00:27:57,520 in a purely private sense to mean... 489 00:27:57,520 --> 00:27:59,200 What? 490 00:27:59,200 --> 00:28:01,720 Yes. I'll write you a cheque. 491 00:28:03,080 --> 00:28:04,840 Good God. Are you quite well? 492 00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:06,760 Tickety-boo, my boy. Tip-top. 493 00:28:08,120 --> 00:28:11,760 You do know that Aunt Constance has gone to her room? 494 00:28:11,760 --> 00:28:13,800 Best place for her. 495 00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:41,760 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd