1
00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:26,400
Curious, Beach. The Empress appears to be breakfasting on blancmange. 

2
00:00:26,400 --> 00:00:28,880
It was Cook's idea, my lord. 

3
00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:33,000
In order to entice the Empress to return here from the kitchen. 

4
00:00:33,000 --> 00:00:36,720
It appears Wellbeloved left the gate open when he was refreshed. 

5
00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:39,960
We can't have the Empress wandering the streets, cadging blancmange. 

6
00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:41,840
Where IS Wellbeloved? 

7
00:00:41,840 --> 00:00:44,320
He was last seen in the small hours, my lord, 

8
00:00:44,320 --> 00:00:46,960
declaring he was "going home to Tewkesbury" 

9
00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:49,280
to stay with his mother, the old rat bag, 

10
00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:53,080
"God bless her, never drew a sober breath". 

11
00:00:53,080 --> 00:00:55,080
PIG BREAKS WIND 

12
00:00:55,080 --> 00:01:00,440
Y'see? Wellbeloved goes missing, it puts her bowels in an uproar. 

13
00:01:00,440 --> 00:01:04,440
Her ladyship would like to see you, my lord. 

14
00:01:04,440 --> 00:01:05,720
PIG DEFECATES LOUDLY 

15
00:01:05,720 --> 00:01:07,760
Tewkesbury. 

16
00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:10,040
It's practically in Belgium. 

17
00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:12,000
HE GROANS 

18
00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:34,440
That tree. 

19
00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:37,280
Altogether too loud. 

20
00:01:41,160 --> 00:01:44,200
Connie! The most appalling thing. 

21
00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:47,560
Wellbeloved's done a bunk! 

22
00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:52,200
Will you stop gibbering, Clarence. Lady Littlewood arrives any moment. 

23
00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:56,360
You must bathe, shave - BURN those clothes - 

24
00:01:56,360 --> 00:01:59,160
put on a suit and hat and then go somewhere else 

25
00:01:59,160 --> 00:02:00,960
where you can't possibly be seen. 

26
00:02:00,960 --> 00:02:04,320
Now, her husband was the Marquis of Littlewood, 

27
00:02:04,320 --> 00:02:06,400
one of the oldest marquisates in the country. 

28
00:02:06,400 --> 00:02:10,680
Was? Did he, er, give up being the marquis? 

29
00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:13,040
Well, in the sense that he died, yes. 

30
00:02:13,040 --> 00:02:15,240
It behoves us to assist his widow. 

31
00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:19,200
She seeks comfort amongst people who know her. 

32
00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:21,200
- Do we know her?
- No. 

33
00:02:21,200 --> 00:02:23,440
But there again, you entirely miss the point. 

34
00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:26,880
People like us know each other on principle. 

35
00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:28,720
Ah, Frederick. 

36
00:02:28,720 --> 00:02:31,480
Let's hope your arrival causes the intellectual portion 

37
00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:34,200
of this conversation to leap joyously. 

38
00:02:34,200 --> 00:02:36,000
Alcohol. 

39
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:38,080
Three syllables. Hurrah. 

40
00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:40,840
No more women. Never. 

41
00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:42,760
Now you're being garrulous. 

42
00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:45,200
Now, Daphne Littlewood is by all accounts 

43
00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:48,720
a delightful and intelligent woman. 

44
00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:50,760
How old is she? 

45
00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:54,640
The Dowager Marchioness is a woman of a certain age. 

46
00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:56,920
Not a threat. Good. 

47
00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:04,240
Mumsy, you're hurting me! 

48
00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:08,920
Sorry, darling. Mumsy's excited about meeting new friends. 

49
00:03:08,920 --> 00:03:11,800
HORN BLARES 

50
00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:20,680
I didn't tell you to stop. 

51
00:03:20,680 --> 00:03:24,040
You didn't give me no money for petrol, neither. 

52
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:32,480
Gin, sherry, port, brandy, pudding wine 

53
00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:34,880
and a substantial dash of bitters. 

54
00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:38,320
It's called Death Comes For The Archbishop. 

55
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:43,400
It insulates the drinker against the amorous attentions of the female. 

56
00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:45,320
I should think it does, sir. 

57
00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:49,920
I've been crossed in love for the last time, Beach. 

58
00:03:49,920 --> 00:03:53,320
I met a girl at the Pink Pussy. Daisy Warner. 

59
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:54,840
Slip of a thing. 

60
00:03:54,840 --> 00:03:57,120
We cut a rug, heard the chimes at midnight. 

61
00:03:57,120 --> 00:04:00,280
I asked her to marry me in the usual way. She accepted. 

62
00:04:00,280 --> 00:04:02,320
Arranged to meet at the church the next morning. 

63
00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:04,480
I show up, can't see her. 

64
00:04:04,480 --> 00:04:07,280
Bloke taps me on the shoulder. Guess who it is? 

65
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:09,360
- Lady's husband, sir?
- No, 

66
00:04:09,360 --> 00:04:12,480
it was Daisy, sans make-up. 

67
00:04:12,480 --> 00:04:16,240
Turns out she's a merchant seaman named Derek. 

68
00:04:16,240 --> 00:04:18,120
Bit of a shock. 

69
00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:21,360
I mean, Derek. 

70
00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:24,320
On the whole, I thought it best not to go through with the arrangement. 

71
00:04:24,320 --> 00:04:25,800
Crikey, sir. 

72
00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:28,200
Women have made me lose my powers of reason. 

73
00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:30,360
I hereby forswear 'em. 

74
00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:33,480
My heart shall never skip another beat on account of a floozy, 

75
00:04:33,480 --> 00:04:35,600
popsy, goddess, 

76
00:04:35,600 --> 00:04:41,800
nymph or any other manifestation of the laughably mislabelled gentle sex. 

77
00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:45,480
Fiver on it. 

78
00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:46,880
Very well, sir. 

79
00:04:46,880 --> 00:04:49,160
Good man. You'll regret it. 

80
00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:50,720
Hmm. 

81
00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:52,640
Her husband's death is not recent 

82
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:56,000
although I think it's a subject to be avoided. Stay off it. 

83
00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:14,080
- I say...
- Right, that's it! 

84
00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:16,920
THEY CHUCKLE 

85
00:05:16,920 --> 00:05:19,000
My dear Lady Littlewood! Welcome! 

86
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:24,960
Oh, Daphne, j'insiste. But this is just too splendid! 

87
00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:28,440
Oh, my brother and I rattle about the place. You know. 

88
00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:31,320
Oh, but I thought this handsome man was your husband! 

89
00:05:31,320 --> 00:05:33,400
What? 

90
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:35,920
Oh no! My husband is no longer with us. 

91
00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:38,600
My brother has never been... with us 

92
00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:42,840
- but his physical presence somehow endures. Clarence?
- What? 

93
00:05:42,840 --> 00:05:45,800
Don't mention the dead husband. Oh. 

94
00:05:45,800 --> 00:05:49,160
Oh, not hers. Oh, that's all right. 

95
00:05:49,160 --> 00:05:52,120
Good, good. My dear Lady Tittlewood. 

96
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:55,680
Welcome to, as it were... um... 

97
00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:58,920
- Blandings.
- Quite. 

98
00:05:58,920 --> 00:06:03,520
Yes, so kind of this young girl. This car's broken. 

99
00:06:03,520 --> 00:06:05,720
Screamingly dull. 

100
00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:10,640
And all the baggages and maids and clutter, all arrive tomorrow. 

101
00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:13,600
Huxley, greet Lord Emsworth. 

102
00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:16,280
- Are you an earl?
- Yes. 

103
00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:18,400
That's one down from the marquis. 

104
00:06:18,400 --> 00:06:20,600
I'm a marquis, so I'm better than you. 

105
00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:22,960
Isn't he divine! He's such a wit! 

106
00:06:22,960 --> 00:06:28,400
- So, where's the pig? 
- God. There's so much of her. Hello. 

107
00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:31,280
- Who's that person? 
- She's your new pig man. 

108
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:40,320
I'm sorry about my brother. He's a trifle deaf. 

109
00:06:40,320 --> 00:06:43,480
He has sustained a terrible injury to the side of his head. 

110
00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:46,000
Oh, dear. When did that occur? 

111
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:50,160
Later this afternoon. Do come in. 

112
00:06:51,840 --> 00:06:56,000
Erm... Miss, are you local...? Miss, er? 

113
00:06:56,000 --> 00:06:58,400
Simmons. Yeah, I'm often down this way. 

114
00:06:58,400 --> 00:07:01,280
I come and help my uncle out with his pig. He calls her the Queen. 

115
00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:02,760
Extraordinary! 

116
00:07:02,760 --> 00:07:06,120
The most dreadful blaggard imaginable lives round the corner here. 

117
00:07:06,120 --> 00:07:09,400
- Calls his pig the Queen. 
- Sir Gregory Parsloe-Parsloe? 

118
00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:11,960
- Stinker Parsloe, I call him. 
- He's my uncle.
- Oh. 

119
00:07:11,960 --> 00:07:14,200
But you're right. He IS a stinker. 

120
00:07:14,200 --> 00:07:16,000
Miss Simmons, you're not a secret agent, 

121
00:07:16,000 --> 00:07:17,680
working for the Stinker are you? 

122
00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:20,880
No, Lord Emsworth. I'm just me. 

123
00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:23,440
Absolutely not, get a grip! 

124
00:07:23,440 --> 00:07:26,120
Her feet must be size 16... 

125
00:07:26,120 --> 00:07:29,040
..I mean, think of her legs... 

126
00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:31,200
HE MOANS 

127
00:07:31,200 --> 00:07:34,600
Now Connie, dear, do tell. Your brother. 

128
00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:38,040
What are his interests? Is there a lady in his life? 

129
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:40,120
There is! 

130
00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:42,440
Describe her to me. 

131
00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:47,120
Well! Her face is dished and bristled. 

132
00:07:47,120 --> 00:07:51,120
She is stupendously malodorous, she presently weighs - 

133
00:07:51,120 --> 00:07:55,480
and I know because Clarence gives me adoring reports, every morning - 

134
00:07:55,480 --> 00:07:57,640
46 stone. 

135
00:07:57,640 --> 00:08:01,400
But she has surprisingly delicate feet. 

136
00:08:03,160 --> 00:08:05,320
If God and the law allowed it, 

137
00:08:05,320 --> 00:08:09,880
Clarence's PIG would probably be Countess of Emsworth. 

138
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:12,480
No female human would take the job. 

139
00:08:17,160 --> 00:08:19,400
I was looking for tea, but I'll settle for a drinky. 

140
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:22,360
No, no. Actually, they're both for me. Careful! That's not for girls. 

141
00:08:22,360 --> 00:08:24,400
What about you? You for girls? 

142
00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,440
No. No, I'm not. 

143
00:08:26,440 --> 00:08:28,960
Do you bash the shuttlecock from the feathered end? 

144
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:33,000
What? No, I do not! I have forsworn the company of women. 

145
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:34,640
I now dedicate myself to alcohol. 

146
00:08:34,640 --> 00:08:36,680
You call THAT alcohol? 

147
00:08:36,680 --> 00:08:39,840
Tonight I'll give you something we used to mix up at my convent school. 

148
00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:42,840
It's called Stations Of The Cross. One sip, 

149
00:08:42,840 --> 00:08:45,040
you're crawling on your knees. 

150
00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:47,280
No. Tonight you will give me nothing. 

151
00:08:47,280 --> 00:08:49,360
I absolutely refuse to discuss your knees. 

152
00:08:49,360 --> 00:08:51,640
This conversation is at an end. 

153
00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:54,000
Funny little thing, aren't you? 

154
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:02,840
Be still my beating heart. 

155
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:22,800
Goodness gracious, I'm so sorry, my lord. 

156
00:09:22,800 --> 00:09:25,360
I tried to divert the course of the falling sack... 

157
00:09:25,360 --> 00:09:27,640
There was no falling sack! 

158
00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:30,000
Let us shut the gate, my lord, shall we? 

159
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,680
We don't want the Empress loose in the grounds. 

160
00:09:38,760 --> 00:09:42,760
Now, Clarence. You have to make an effort with Daphne. 

161
00:09:42,760 --> 00:09:45,200
Of course. Daphne? 

162
00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:49,240
Oh, yes, to be sure, yes. Lady Littlewick, yes, yes. 

163
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:52,520
You wander off while she is talking. 

164
00:09:52,520 --> 00:09:54,680
Whatever must she think? 

165
00:09:54,680 --> 00:09:58,240
Just now she expressed a great personal interest in you, 

166
00:09:58,240 --> 00:10:00,440
which must have cost her considerable effort! 

167
00:10:00,440 --> 00:10:02,400
Just make her feel welcome, Clarence. 

168
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:04,720
- That her company is valued. 
- Yes, to be sure. 

169
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:06,800
Oh look, who's that? 

170
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:10,440
That's Daphne, you imbecile! Daphne! Do come and sit. 

171
00:10:10,440 --> 00:10:15,400
Might I have a little tete-a-tete with your brother? 

172
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:16,960
Of course. 

173
00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:21,360
Clarence will regale you with... 

174
00:10:21,360 --> 00:10:25,440
..hilarious anecdotes of his schooldays. 

175
00:10:34,800 --> 00:10:37,600
Oh! Ha-ha! 

176
00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:42,800
Yes. I went to school. Erm. 

177
00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:45,640
I had many pleasant friends. Yes. 

178
00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:53,160
They called me Fathead. Did your friends call you Fathead? 

179
00:10:53,160 --> 00:10:56,240
Not especially... 

180
00:10:58,120 --> 00:11:04,480
But I do find all this... incredibly... diverting. 

181
00:11:06,480 --> 00:11:10,080
What a... FASCINATING man you are. 

182
00:11:13,600 --> 00:11:19,720
My dear Lady... Piddlefoot. 

183
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:22,920
I should like you to know that your 

184
00:11:22,920 --> 00:11:28,200
visit to Blandings is very welcome. 

185
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:32,840
Why, thank you, Lord Emsworth. 

186
00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:36,080
It's valuable. 

187
00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:39,920
Oh, you are sweet. 

188
00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:48,000
As a child I was teased for my particular passion. 

189
00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:51,480
Pigs. 

190
00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:03,000
Would you care to see my wiffle? 

191
00:12:06,680 --> 00:12:09,600
Do I have the honour of addressing a Mr Ruddock, 

192
00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:11,560
the Butler to the Littlewoods? 

193
00:12:11,560 --> 00:12:14,280
Oh, I do beg your pardon, Madam. 

194
00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:16,680
I wonder if I might enquire 

195
00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:19,680
about certain domestic arrangements at your end? 

196
00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:28,120
HE YELLS 

197
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:31,840
If you distress this pig... or drive her from her home... 

198
00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:34,920
I will rub your noxious little face in that pile of dung. 

199
00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:36,280
Have a think about it. 

200
00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:38,480
Where am I going, Beach, and what am I doing? 

201
00:12:38,480 --> 00:12:42,440
You are fetching the book of pigs for Lady Littlewood, my lord. 

202
00:12:42,440 --> 00:12:45,680
Am I? What a capital idea. 

203
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:48,520
Y'know, she's a damned clever woman, don't you think? 

204
00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:51,840
Very sporting of her to be so interested in pigs. 

205
00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:55,440
Indeed, my lord. The young marquis was advising me 

206
00:12:55,440 --> 00:12:58,840
that when at leisure, his mother likes to muck out the pigsties. 

207
00:13:00,440 --> 00:13:02,440
She finds it... soothing. 

208
00:13:02,440 --> 00:13:07,080
Well, well, that is extraordinary! 

209
00:13:08,160 --> 00:13:10,160
D'you know, Beach, for a minute there 

210
00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:13,680
I thought you said she like to muck out the pigsties! 

211
00:13:13,680 --> 00:13:16,880
I read in Variety Spice, my lord, 

212
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:20,800
that manual labour in the farmyard is intensely fashionable 

213
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,160
for ladies of a discerning temperament. 

214
00:13:23,160 --> 00:13:25,080
Good heavens! 

215
00:13:25,080 --> 00:13:29,040
Erm, do you suppose our guest might wish to slip down to the sty now? 

216
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:31,320
Quick once-round? Mop and brush? 

217
00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:33,760
I shall assemble the requisite instruments, my lord. 

218
00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:38,000
Get some buckets, Beach, yes and a stout shovel. 

219
00:13:38,000 --> 00:13:41,480
The Empress has still got a bit of a runny tummy. 

220
00:13:45,080 --> 00:13:47,560
PIG DEFECATES LOUDLY 

221
00:13:56,280 --> 00:14:00,080
Beach? Give Lady Littlespade the wood. 

222
00:14:07,000 --> 00:14:08,480
Don't be shy. 

223
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:10,240
Get stuck in. 

224
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:11,960
So, how does one...? 

225
00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:16,000
One bends the knees, your ladyship, and gets right underneath it. 

226
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:18,520
She's got a bit of a runny tummy, y'see. 

227
00:14:18,520 --> 00:14:21,480
Erm, it was the blancmange. 

228
00:14:21,480 --> 00:14:24,960
There you go. Tickety-boo! 

229
00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:31,880
Clarence! Under what demented pretext 

230
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:36,360
have you got the Marchioness of Littlewood mucking out the pigsty? 

231
00:14:36,360 --> 00:14:38,640
Oh, she loves it! Can't get enough of it! 

232
00:14:38,640 --> 00:14:42,040
Apparently at home you can't keep the shovel out of her hands! 

233
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:46,080
Charming woman. Awfully modern. 

234
00:14:48,680 --> 00:14:52,360
Muck-shovelling party? Excellent. Soon have the place shipshape. 

235
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:56,080
Connie? There is a spare bucket. 

236
00:14:56,080 --> 00:14:58,440
- Your ladyship. Might I have a...? 
- No. 

237
00:14:58,440 --> 00:15:01,560
This is the stuff for the troops, marvellous. 

238
00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:06,600
Beach! What've you got there? 

239
00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:08,120
Emergency measures, sir. 

240
00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:12,240
Now look, I want you to know that I am agitated by this Miss Simmons. 

241
00:15:12,240 --> 00:15:15,640
I'd be liar to say I wasn't, but I have backbone, damn it, 

242
00:15:15,640 --> 00:15:18,400
and a bet's a bet. What emergency? 

243
00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:19,960
It's not my place to say so! 

244
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:23,480
But I believe that Lady Littlewood has an ulterior motive. 

245
00:15:23,480 --> 00:15:26,920
Does she? By God! An ulterior motive. Hah! Erm. 

246
00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:31,560
- What is that? 
- She's not what she seems. 

247
00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:34,600
- She's not another bloke in drag? 
- No, sir. 

248
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:37,760
But I have reason to believe that the Littlewood estate is bankrupt, 

249
00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:40,680
their domestic servants have not been paid for months. 

250
00:15:40,680 --> 00:15:42,880
And the Marchioness tours the country 

251
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:45,680
looking for a solution to her embarrassment. 

252
00:15:45,680 --> 00:15:48,760
That is why she is here at Blandings. 

253
00:15:48,760 --> 00:15:52,600
To cast her net around his lordship. 

254
00:15:52,600 --> 00:15:56,000
You speak in nautical riddles. 

255
00:15:56,000 --> 00:16:01,680
She wishes to entrap your father in marriage. 

256
00:16:01,680 --> 00:16:05,880
Oh, phooey! What? Beach, you're tighter than I am! 

257
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:09,720
Who could possibly want to marry my father? Eh? Utter rot. 

258
00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:14,680
Oh, my God. What are we to do? 

259
00:16:25,200 --> 00:16:29,040
No, no, no, no. NO! 

260
00:16:34,280 --> 00:16:36,680
I've just been assaulting the Marquis of Littlewood. 

261
00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:39,760
Oh. Was that... pleasurable? 

262
00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:40,960
Excessively. 

263
00:16:42,040 --> 00:16:43,400
Hot work. 

264
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:46,560
Get me a towel, would you? 

265
00:16:46,560 --> 00:16:48,240
I cannot touch a woman. 

266
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:50,160
I didn't ask you to dry me. 

267
00:16:50,160 --> 00:16:51,840
I don't have a towel big enough. 

268
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:57,640
I don't quite know what I'm saying. Miss Simmons, you confuse me. 

269
00:17:07,040 --> 00:17:09,720
CLARENCE LAUGHS 

270
00:17:09,720 --> 00:17:13,160
I haven't done this since I was a nip nob! 

271
00:17:14,600 --> 00:17:17,680
Aha! A nine! 

272
00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:23,720
Now, look here, Connie, I want you to be the first to know. 

273
00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:31,200
I do believe I'm going to ask Lady Tickleputt a certain question. 

274
00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:36,560
Erm, Giddyfruit. Oh, dash it! What is her name? 

275
00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:39,080
Emsworth, by the sound of it. 

276
00:17:42,360 --> 00:17:45,480
Emsworth, I like that, I like that! 

277
00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:50,480
Two, four, six. A ten! Aha! 

278
00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:52,720
Bravo! 

279
00:17:55,160 --> 00:18:00,520
Daphne dear, I cannot permit this charade to continue. 

280
00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:05,520
We shall soon discover what can and cannot be permitted. 

281
00:18:07,880 --> 00:18:10,120
You have a brain, he doesn't. 

282
00:18:10,120 --> 00:18:12,200
He would be cataclysmically unhappy with you 

283
00:18:12,200 --> 00:18:14,280
and unable to work out why. It would be cruel. 

284
00:18:14,280 --> 00:18:17,720
Yes, certainly he will lose the benefit of your advice, 

285
00:18:17,720 --> 00:18:21,120
for you will not be here, Connie, dear. 

286
00:18:21,120 --> 00:18:24,880
Poor fellow dotes on me. I win, you see. 

287
00:18:24,880 --> 00:18:26,600
You lose. 

288
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:29,280
SHE LAUGHS 

289
00:18:29,280 --> 00:18:31,400
Capital! 

290
00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:41,760
I have for-slorn love. And yet the stuff is all around me. 

291
00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:47,280
There's the Guv'nor, look, about to be netted in Daphne's cap. 

292
00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:49,560
And then there's me. 

293
00:18:49,560 --> 00:18:50,960
PIG BREAKS WIND 

294
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:54,040
Well, that's easy for you to say. But I tell you this. 

295
00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:57,640
If Monica Simmons was here right now, 

296
00:18:57,640 --> 00:19:02,080
I should not be able to restrain myself. 

297
00:19:02,080 --> 00:19:04,920
I should say... 

298
00:19:04,920 --> 00:19:07,440
..your thundering good health.. 

299
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:09,840
What should you say? 

300
00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:15,160
I should say, "Look here, Monica Simmons. 

301
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:20,160
"You Olympian pile of sizzling womanhood. 

302
00:19:20,160 --> 00:19:26,880
"You titanic, fabulous, double-breasted Amazon. 

303
00:19:26,880 --> 00:19:29,040
"I love you." 

304
00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:31,400
Olympian pile of sizzling womanhood? 

305
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:35,600
She is. I'd say, "Monica Simmons. 

306
00:19:35,600 --> 00:19:40,640
"You walk into a room, it makes me want to shin up a ladder 

307
00:19:40,640 --> 00:19:43,840
"and kiss your big... 

308
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:47,440
"red...lips." 

309
00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:53,560
Go on, then. 

310
00:20:02,240 --> 00:20:05,040
Ah... 

311
00:20:05,040 --> 00:20:08,560
All right. Let's just get one thing straight. 

312
00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:14,880
- You're not going to turn out to be a man, are you?
- No. 

313
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:18,720
- Are you?
- Oh... 

314
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:23,320
Beach? 

315
00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:25,200
You win. 

316
00:21:05,280 --> 00:21:09,880
When Lady Littlewood marries Lord Emsworth... 

317
00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:12,960
I expect to be banished. 

318
00:21:12,960 --> 00:21:15,400
I fear that you may also be removed. 

319
00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:21,120
I know it, your ladyship. I will take it on the chin. 

320
00:21:21,120 --> 00:21:22,720
Yes. 

321
00:21:25,120 --> 00:21:27,320
I think I shall go to my room. 

322
00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:30,760
Very good, my lady. 

323
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:54,400
Incidentally. Is Daffers getting anywhere with your old man? 

324
00:21:54,400 --> 00:21:56,520
Last week she tried it on with Uncle Gregory, 

325
00:21:56,520 --> 00:21:58,720
and he told her to sling her hook. 

326
00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:02,680
Digger Daphne, he called her. So she came here. 

327
00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:05,720
Full marks for perseverance. 

328
00:22:11,320 --> 00:22:15,600
Where's the Empress? 

329
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:18,480
Just hang on a minute. 

330
00:22:18,480 --> 00:22:21,600
Erm, erm, Miss Simmons. 

331
00:22:21,600 --> 00:22:25,960
You will observe, Lady Fiddleprune... 

332
00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:32,800
the fine prospect. There is a sun... 

333
00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:38,120
- ..some water.
- Yes. 

334
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:46,320
Lady, erm... Giddyfruit, I... 

335
00:22:46,320 --> 00:22:50,400
..oh! Ah! 

336
00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:57,760
Would you do me the honour, I wonder of erm..? 

337
00:22:57,760 --> 00:23:01,160
- MUMSY!
- Yes. 
- It bit my fingy... 

338
00:23:01,160 --> 00:23:03,800
Hold on, darling! Mumsy's coming. 

339
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:07,960
HE GROANS 

340
00:23:10,000 --> 00:23:11,920
CREAKING, FABRIC TEARS 

341
00:23:11,920 --> 00:23:13,960
Ow! 

342
00:23:13,960 --> 00:23:17,160
Beach! What is a fingy? 

343
00:23:17,160 --> 00:23:18,760
My FINGER, you stupid old goat! 

344
00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:22,760
Oh, right you are. It's his finger. What bit you? 

345
00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:27,400
- Your ruddy pig! Ow! 
- Darling, darling.
- Did he say pig? 

346
00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:31,320
Now look here, Cruxley, did you or did you not say pig? 

347
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:34,520
Pig! Pig! PIG, PIG, PIG! 

348
00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:36,840
- He said pig.
- THAT PIG! 

349
00:23:36,840 --> 00:23:42,320
My dear fellow, that is The Empress. She does not bite. 

350
00:23:42,320 --> 00:23:45,520
It ruddy well bit me. Look! 

351
00:23:46,640 --> 00:23:48,040
You! Pig girl! 

352
00:23:48,040 --> 00:23:50,240
The pig has become carnivorous. Despatch it. 

353
00:23:50,240 --> 00:23:52,800
Give over, you ghastly old trout! 

354
00:23:52,800 --> 00:23:54,760
She's after you, Guv'nor. 

355
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:57,440
Her husband blew the family fortune on booze - 

356
00:23:57,440 --> 00:24:00,440
medal for him, by the way - and now she wants to be 

357
00:24:00,440 --> 00:24:04,280
Mrs The Earl of Emsworth. Don'cha, Daph? 

358
00:24:04,280 --> 00:24:05,640
HE BELCHES 

359
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:07,520
Excuse me. Moreover. 

360
00:24:07,520 --> 00:24:09,720
As soon as Pinkbeard's got you in the bag, 

361
00:24:09,720 --> 00:24:13,160
- she'll make Beach walk the plank. 
- And me. 

362
00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:17,160
And me. And her. I mean it, Guv'nor. 

363
00:24:17,160 --> 00:24:19,200
Beach will become a tramp, 

364
00:24:19,200 --> 00:24:21,760
Aunt C will fall among the Shabby Women, 

365
00:24:21,760 --> 00:24:25,360
you'll come down to breakfast to find the Hideous Huxley 

366
00:24:25,360 --> 00:24:27,000
sitting in MY chair, 

367
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:31,360
scoffing the tragic sausages that are all that remains of The Empress. 

368
00:24:43,800 --> 00:24:48,160
But my dear Lady Littlehope. This can never be. 

369
00:24:49,360 --> 00:24:52,520
Constance, Frederick. 

370
00:24:52,520 --> 00:24:58,360
Beach. The Empress. This is my family. 

371
00:24:59,520 --> 00:25:02,000
If I may be permitted to clarify. 

372
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:06,480
You may have decided to marry my brother, 

373
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:10,000
but in fact he would like you to leave. 

374
00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:11,520
Would that be a fair precis? 

375
00:25:13,640 --> 00:25:17,320
You have no idea the contempt 

376
00:25:17,320 --> 00:25:23,080
the name of Emsworth shall inspire in the drawing rooms of Mayfair, 

377
00:25:23,080 --> 00:25:27,360
when I speak of my treatment here. 

378
00:25:27,360 --> 00:25:31,480
Well, be sure to take off all your clothes before doing so. 

379
00:25:31,480 --> 00:25:34,880
There is an aroma of fat old sow about you 

380
00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:36,880
that is frankly overpowering. 

381
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:43,160
Better to be naked in Mayfair, Lady Earwig, 

382
00:25:43,160 --> 00:25:44,840
than a bad smell. 

383
00:25:46,400 --> 00:25:49,360
- LITTLEWOOD! 
- Earwig will do for you. 

384
00:25:49,360 --> 00:25:53,440
- Ha!
- You're drunk! 

385
00:25:53,440 --> 00:25:56,320
I am as tight as an owl. 

386
00:25:56,320 --> 00:25:59,600
But in the morning, I shall have a headache, 

387
00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:04,640
and you'll still have a bum like a moose. 

388
00:26:06,920 --> 00:26:10,000
- Ha!
- Cheerio! 

389
00:26:16,080 --> 00:26:19,240
Oh, hurry up, mother! 

390
00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:26,040
Oh, is Lady Pifflewit leaving? 

391
00:26:26,040 --> 00:26:29,840
- She is, Clarence.
- Oh. I do hope nobody said anything untoward 

392
00:26:29,840 --> 00:26:32,200
about her dead husband? 

393
00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:39,640
- Mumsy, my fingy!
- Move your hand, you stupid child! 

394
00:26:42,000 --> 00:26:44,920
- Beach.
- Your ladyship. 

395
00:26:44,920 --> 00:26:47,400
Champagne on the terrace, I think. 

396
00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:51,080
I want us all to enjoy the view. 

397
00:27:21,040 --> 00:27:23,720
HE PLAYS BOOGIE-WOOGIE 

398
00:27:59,760 --> 00:28:03,120
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